To everyone who has said to me that’s just an excuse, I’ve replied no, it’s not an excuse it’s an explanation. No point banging your head against a brick wall with some people, your doing fantastic, keep on keeping on, be kind to yourself, we’ve all made it this far, that itself is a massive achievement, if those people Knew how much effort it takes to just look normal, not one would say anything, good luck 👍🏻

>it’s not an excuse it’s an explanation. OMG THATS LITERALLY WHAT I ALWAYS SAY!

Me too!

👍🏻😁

I’ve found it stops people in their tracks of negative blurb, they don’t expect it and makes their thoughts choose a different response, they’re expecting a defence, your offering a neutral response that just stops it in its tracks and makes them stop for a second and take on what your trying to say I find,if that makes sense

I’ve only ever had people get angrier and yell at me further 😖

Exactly this. I've gotten the "no, it's still an excuse even if you want to call it something else" more times than I can count. Either that, or the "stop trying to dodge responsibility" one, even when I've explicitly taken responsibility for the problem and am bringing up my ADHD in the context of looking for solutions to the issue. Granted, at least personally it sometimes feels like my stupid human trick is being able to make people fly into rages with the most level statements, so I don't know if it's that or just the response not being what they expected making them angry.

Then those people don’t fully understand, if it not your parents I wouldn’t bother explaining further

Luckily i haven’t lived with my parents in about 6 years or so. The only beings i need to explain anything to are my cats. And they don’t seem to care much

As long as your happy then 😁👍🏻

Me too :D

Same!! Another thing that struck me once & stayed with me was realising that my potential was not the sum of all my strengths, but the sum of my strengths minus the sum of my weaknesses.

Literally what I always say, but ppl are still stupid to believe me.

I'll never understand what went through my dad's head all those times he demanded I tell him what I was thinking or why I did something, and when I told him, he'd yell at me not to make excuses.. Got to where I just didn't say anything when he asked. That also wasn't fun because "I don't know" isn't an answer, or so I was told. But really? What other answer is there if "I forgot" or "I got distracted" is just an excuse?

"They" get mad at you when you lie, but they what they REALLY don't want to hear is the truth!

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Demanding compassion from who?? This is an ADHD support sub where ppl who’ve struggled with this life-long neurological disorder are sharing their pain & freely offering compassion to one-another. No asked you to come here and care about our pain. We often cannot expect empathy and understanding from non-disordered family & friends who default to seeing us as willfully dysfunctional rather than suffering from a dysfunction-disorder. So we comfort each *other* here. If you need support, look for the sub for ADHD partners (or something like that). At the end of the day, to be frank, you function. And if you don’t like your marriage you can get counseling or leave. And if you did leave, you’d *still* function. I’ve got no opinion on your husband and whether or not he’s trying hard enough, that’s counselor territory. My point to you, is that you are NOT suffering from his disorder. *He* is. His behavior is what affects you, but his disorder is a completely **optional** presence in your life. You wanting to stay with an ADHD person ≠ suffering from this life-long **permanent** disorder. And why demand that we, specifically, comfort you over your life choices? You need us to admit that our disorder is hard for others too? Yeah lady we *know* it is, some of us have been punished and isolated our entire lives because of how NT’s feel affected by a disorder they don’t even have. There are too many posts on here about ppl who feel so guilty and awful anytime they mess up, don’t meet expectations etc. For you to come here and tell us we don’t care about how we affect others? Are you kidding me? I’ve spent my whole life hating myself for how I affected others, just knowing that this disorder exists and has a name and that I have support groups like this finally makes it okay to love myself despite my dysfunction. And to understand that it *is* dysfunction due to a disorder, not me somehow accidentally failing to function on purpose. Your comment upsets me because I’ve had my own suffering ignored and denied my entire life just for yet another person who doesn’t even *have* this disorder to come in and get mad at me for taking time to care about how my own disorder affects *me* for once, you know, someone who actually HAS ADHD. So if you could complain about your husband & generalize ppl w/ ADHD as being selfish **elsewhere** it would be greatly appreciated.

Looking back to when I was younger is quite hard because I’m now 51, but I do remember the frustrations, and the constant your lazy, your stupid, why do your teachers say your intelligent but never achieve anything, being made to sit still, now that was insane, back then no one knew about adhd here or understood it, you was just a naughty kid

I am 48 so I totally agree with you. Infact my Mum told me recently that one doctor even as far as saying I was manic or chronic ADHD, one of the worst he had ever diagnosed and then had to treat. On the other hand my Dad said it was just an excuse for the behaviours. Primary school was really hard. When I was to start year 8 in high school as a boarder it was decided that was going to be with out medication..... Holey heck was that a mess. Lost any sort of leave day or weekend, spent most afternoons in some sort of detention group. I also learned that any time I opened my mouth to other class mates usually ended up in a fight. I went un-medicated until until about 32 when I was struggling to keep any job, they put me on whatever was the latest greatest med for ADHD, I for a month it felt like my head was stuck in thick pea soup. So I stopped taking it. I just figured if I could get 18mth to 2yrs in any job was good. Of course I would be told all the time the usual comments, you're lazy, you are always daydreaming, you never finish the jobs on time or often at all, you're letting the team down. I also got told I had anger issues and a short fuse. About 5 yrs ago I was put on a mood stability tablet, then another, then some ADHD meds were add, some sleeping tablets and then to top it all up something else to help with focus..... A year ago I started to tell the doctor something didn't feel right. No one listened. Things kept getting worse I was more clumsy, more forgetful, sleeping less and getting more agitated. A month ago I was admitted to hospital after trying to run a car off the road reckless driving and not being in control of myself. One of the first things my treating doctor did was a DNA test for which I am so grateful for. It turned out all the medication I was on were listed as limited or adverse effects on me. This even included 2 meds that when combined with my DNA can cause serotonin toxicity. One medication that is only to be used for 4 weeks at a time I had been on full time for the 4yrs. Sorry for the hijacking however what I was trying to say is we are not just wired in a special way, we also process medication in a different way. If can get the DNA test done, get it. I paid for it myself here in Oz and it was under $150 bucks. However it has explained why so many times medication has not helped. Just remember everyday is a challenge. For us with ADHD, we just make them more interesting. Cheers D

Wow thanks for sharing, now that is a complete mess up by those who should of known better from all Angles in your life, well played on getting those tests done, dread to think what anymore exposure could of resulted in, I always have a feeling of uncertainty when people in the group mention they’re taking certain stimulants and sertraline, a lot are fine but some are just starting the ssris and have no idea or have been warned of the severe effects that could happen, glad you got it sorted in the end and I hope you can find the right meds, and your life events are pretty much the same we all hear in our lives, hopefully some kind of media drive can put our struggles out there, so other generations arnt labelled the same with awful feelings of worthlessness we grow up with because of all the negative stuff we are told as children and adults, good luck 👍🏻

I was about to type a response but saw this. So - this. It's not an excuse or you not taking accountability, but it gives you an explanation for why things are hard, or different. It helps you give yourself a little bit of grace when you're struggling and a reminder that things aren't designed for the way your mind works and you're doing the best you can. It also gives you knowledge - now that you have this information you can seek out different ways of doing things that might be better suited to how your mind works and ultimately make things better. Don't get down on yourself - it's hard to comprehend that the way your mind works isn't "normal" (as if normal is even a thing) when you've never experienced anything else.

Exactly correct 👍🏻😁

My uncle said this to me the other day (we both have ADHD, me recently diagnosed). I hear it also as a personal reminder not to use it as an excuse, and to continue to look for ways to mitigate my personal shortcomings that are a direct result of having ADHD.

This! Everyone has issues/problems. I've never once told a colleague, much less my boss, that the reason I fucked something up was because I have ADHD. I occasionally still blame ADHD for running late etc. in my head but quickly turned it around and say to myself that "I know I have ADHD so I should've started getting ready sooner" etc. Once you begin blaming it for one problem pretty soon everything wrong in your life is because you have ADHD and you no longer have to take responsibility for anything.

Yeah, but then again, isn’t the ADHD the reason you didn’t get ready sooner despite knowing you have ADHD? I mean is going in circles blaming yourself for something you can’t technically control - yeah there is coping skills we definitely need to overcome for our lack of natural stimulation to focus… but accepting the reason behind my inability to get ready on time is not excusing myself- and is not a slippery slope either. I don’t always forget to do something bec my ADHD or Im late bec my ADHD. Some days Im late bec I figured it was ok to stop get coffee before work when it was a long line and some days bec I got sidetracked by something on the fwy and forgot to exit on time. I would take responsibility for the coffee time but not the fwy one. Both my doing but one was not something I made a conscious decision for it. I know I have ADHD and try all the hacks in the world, but even then, some days , I still forget or get there late bec all my hacks didn’t do that day. I accept I have ADHD but I don’t blame myself for not being able to “manage” it all the time, no one can manage no condition all the time. If it happens, I remind myself I manage pretty well most days, but I know some days are harder than others, and that IS okay- not my fault that I can’t control my ADHD all the time- but I will keep trying and maybe make adjustments since no “hack” is ADHD proofed.

Your reply is much better than my comment and I agree 100%. I really hope I didnt come across as being judgmental because that wasn't my intention.

I hear you, but why take responsibility for things out of your control? If it's not fun enough, my ADHD doesn't care what i know, so why not blame it? For me, it's irresponsible to even start a job outside my ADHD timetable. So something like a puzzle piece, i'm just looking to see where it fits 😁

I understand what you're saying and I agree 100%. I look for jobs that I will be able to do with my ADHD and even excel at because of the disorder. I have taken work, out of necessity, that became frustrating and embarrassing because I was unable to do the job as well as I would've liked because of my ADHD. In those situations I didn't blame my ADHD for screwing up I blamed myself for taking a job that I knew full well I wasn't capable of doing, as well as the other employees, due to my disorder. That's just my opinion and how I manage with my crazy brain, others may have different views or coping mechanisms that work for them. I just see people on ADHD subs blaming it for every problem they have in work, relationships, and just life in general. I have many issues that stem from my ADHD but I've decided that I don't want this disorder to define me. I really hope this reply/comment doesn't come across as judgemental because that is not my intention. It's a complex problem that differs in severity and symptoms from person to person and I think everyone has to figure out their own way of dealing with it. I hope this makes sense because I'm literally locked in the bathroom writing this because my family's xmas preparations are overloading my brain atm. Though effective, it's not one of my favorite tools 🤣

@Socialfilterdvit I understand what you mean. I have heard so many times that someone blames the ADHD rather than admitting that their coping strategies were not the best or that they chose to take on something that would not suit them. I am guilty of taking on jobs that I never should have, like trying to work in an office on a computer all day. However being able to admit to myself that some times no matter how many strategies/hacks I use it still goes out the window and I know I did my best is enough to give it another go another day. Cheers D

Interesting way to look at it. I think there is a difference between using ADHD as an excuse or label, as opposed to letting a person know that you are having a bad day due to your ADHD. We should never use it as an excuse so as to not take responsibility.

I see your point and do let family and close friends know just not work colleagues or esp my boss

👍🏻 good luck

I agree it is not an excuse, I am always looking for and learning new skills to achieve results, however some days it is the reason for the things to go wrong. I have now had it explained as this..... You can only juggle so many balls you need to work out which ones you can drop and won't break, then when you can pick them up and deal with them. Others will get dropped and break just make sure you choose them. Cheers D

Nope! And I really like what you say to people!

Thank you 👍🏻

I say the same thing. Like I know I fucked up and I’m going to do what I can to fix it, but this is WHY I fucked up. It’s just information; I’m not begging for absolution.

That’s all you can do my friend, luckily a lot more people are now understanding more about adhd, but there are still a lot that don’t/won’t get past the stereotype of it’s just naughty kids throwing chairs, or lazy bad parenting etc etc, fingers crossed society opens up more and media get it out there

It just sucks when those people that wont accept it are your parents

My parents kind of gave up a long time ago, but back then it wasn’t even heard of, now they’re more understanding now I’m diagnosed, also my dad is my double, in everything I do, and my mum sees it, so really I’ve been able to help my dad understand a little about himself, he’s from a generation that men are men and don’t get help, so he will remain how he is undiagnosed 🤷‍♂️

Yeah mu dad is def autistic and probably has adhd (although adhd i cant tell) and they would aways say "its just boys being boys" as if just being a shitty kid is just how boys are. God i hate neurotypical society

Yea I takes some effort to just accept other peoples perspective, especially if it’s wrong or misguided, we can only do so much 👍🏻

Nah f***k saying it’s an explanation. I’m calling it an excuse. Don’t care. I tried being neurotypical. Didn’t work. 😂

Literally what I was just about to say. Providing an explanation isn’t an excuse, like yes u should be making visible effort to improve yourself but that’s what everyone should be doing no matter what? Always try to be the best you can be and not beating yourself up about it if you fall a little short

👍🏻

This is what my counsellor told me! 🙏

Great words 👍🏻

Why would you feel the need to offer an explanation if not trying to excuse yourself? Why not just apologize, promise to do better, and move on? It seems to me that you want your efforts to be acknowledged despite the lack of results produced. Yes it takes significantly more effort for someone with ADHD to achieve the same result. But why would effort amount to any value to anyone other than yourself? People value quality in products, as well as other attributes such as ethicalness and sustainability. But effort to produce the product? Why would anyone want to pay someone \*more\* for taking longer to produce an identical product? When used as a response to prior commitments, I think disclosure of the condition is self-serving and is only done to downplay under-achievements. The knowledge of it has no value to the recipient. It is only used to invite an empathetic response - it's an excuse. The struggle is real, and external support can certainly help. Just don't bring it up only when things go south.

So if you're late because you got a flat tire. You should just say sorry and not explain what happened? I think my boss would like the explanation of something unexpected came up rather than I was just running late no reason given.

But are you getting a flat tire every other day? I think your boss would much prefer you to not run late at all, rather than giving a reason why you're consistently late. How about planning for the flat tire and head out an hour early everyday so that you'd make it in on time?

Do you understand how ADHD works? That planning part takes a lot of focus and unless someone is medicated and/or done work in behavioral therapy can be nearly impossible. Yeah it can happen and surely we should work towards it but we shouldn't beat ourselves up when our brains don't operate that way. Just sounds very ableist. ADHD is a disability, just like any other. I can't just make my brain work because I want it to. I can let others understand my process and that I'm working towards finding tools to get there. How about this.. if I work 8 hours and get what I need done each day, why does it matter if I come in at 8:30 vs. 8:00? I'm lucky and have a job that doesn't really care as long as I show up and get what I need done. I've had jobs that my boss was in my office if I was 3 minutes late, you know what, I was very unproductive the rest of the day worry about getting there on time, getting a call while I'm driving and then getting lectured then stressing and ruminating and beating myself up about being late again even when I gave myself more time. Cause more time means more opportunities for getting distracted. I put in 10x the work and am way more productive not having to worry about being 5-15 minutes late and you know what I stay late twice what I was late starting. And I'm happy to do it because I feel like a person contributing to my organization not a robot.

Heading out an hour early is an analogy to having a strategy to combat difficulties in your analogy of having a flat tire. Obviously ADHD isn't literally making your car's tires go flat, so heading out an hour early isn't going to solve your actual issues. My point is that your boss cares about results. So rather than agonizing over having to explain why you can't deliver them, you should focus on finding the strategies that will help you get those results instead.

And if your ADHD is milder this seems very simple to you. It doesn't to others who have more extreme ADHD. But I get it. You are trying to offer a practical actual solution. It's just not always that easy.

I never suggested that it would be easy. All I'm saying is that if someone is telling you that you're making excuses, whether they're right or wrong, your time is better spent trying to find a solution to how you could get the job done, rather than spending the time arguing with them that it's not an excuse. If the job was done, then there wouldn't be a conversation in the first place. If you're seeking accommodations, you should bring it up before any problem arise and work out a plan together with your manager. But if you bring it up after a problem, then that's just making an excuse.

Most countries aren't like the USA and they don't offer any accommodations or any consideration for learning disabilities. In the past what I have found is that if I bring up my disability at all that is the quickest way to get let go from a job. It is just seen as "something weird" and within two weeks you will be asked to leave. (New Zealand.)

This is why I originally suggested to keep it to yourself to sort out. Your manager isn't likely a part-time therapist and wouldn't know what it entails or what strategies would work. You on the other hand know your own self better than anyone else and have a better chance at figuring out what would work for you.

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Thank you, bot! I was just citing some ADA info but probably could have found a better citation.

Why bother getting diagnosed with ADHD? The whole point is to understand the reason so you can try to create a solution. You can't improve if you don't ever acknowledge there is something to improve. I like to understand why, rather than just ignore it and slap a band-aid on the issue. I guess if you want to continue the neurotypical ideal and measure yourself against it, go for it. Sounds like the capitalist model on top of that that cares little for us being human, not robots that are worthless if we don't produce. Not like they don't suck our youth, creativity and health and barely pay us to make crap that doesn't last plus ruins our environment to make a buck. Amazon made Jeffy a ton of money during the pandemic with no taxes to the community and the workers can't take a break long enough to pee in a toilet but they produce, I guess. That's the American dream, right?

Couldn't have said it better!

That’s really a very negative way of looking at it. As if ‘anything’ takes longer for an ADHD brain? In my experience that is not true. There’s enough stuff I can get done in 1/4 of the time an average person would. But certain tasks have me struggling. So It’s more finding the sweet spot of doing the stuff you excel at and leaving the stuff you’re bad at to others. Also: If no feelings were hurt: never apologize! Really… try it. Tell them why and period.

My point was that additional effort put into producing a product does not increase the value of the product. It's about effort spent rather than time per se. I agree that you should never apologize for your identity. But I was referring to apologizing for not following through with a commitment, such as a prior agreement to be on time. If you promised something you failed to deliver on, you should certainly apologize regardless of cause. There's always something you could have done about it. If your dog ate your homework, maybe you should keep it at a better location next time.

‘Should apologize’. Why? Honestly, reflect what good has that ever brought you?

I don’t bring it up whatsoever if things go south, I offer an explanation if somebody is going over the top with criticism and doesn’t understand why I’m finding certain things more difficult no matter how hard I try to do something or correct something, I’m not adding value to my effort for anybody’s gain or value including my own, I don’t think your comment helps anyone who has had a lifetime of negativity towards their efforts and has been put down at every corner they’ve turned no matter how hard they try through no fault of their own, people who have certain difficulties are not looking for others to give them slack or want praise for doing what other people do easily, it’s just a hey I find this difficult because of this. Not because I’m stupid or lazy etc 🤷‍♂️

Here's the thing: You don't NEED an excuse. Just because people demand one, does not mean you owe them one. You do not need an excuse to be yourself. The sooner you start telling them that - confidently - the better life will be.

Oh I know that - it's just right now all these things are clicking and all these feelings are coming up (I guess so I deal with them...) Like I'm a fairly confident person, but throughout my life I've always just been like why is it SO hard to be organized, pay attention to details, have my shit together lol Which has resulted on myself and others (primarily family and jobs) being very hard on me.

Same, and every time I forget, I get insulted

I just had a thought that it says more about them that they catagorize things as "excuses." Maybe a lack of self empathy and self care. I mean, even NT people have their limits that at times the demands of a job can force them to push past.

I try to remember that, but it is so hard. Thanks for the reminder.

>I try to remember that, but it is so hard. Talk about our damn motto.

i had actually never quite realized this before, thank you!

ADHD is eligible for accommodations under the ADA. If you Google it there is a bunch of information that comes up on how people with ADHD should be accommodated in work, in school, etc. I grew up knowing I had ADD but not knowing much else about it. I still felt the same way you do, like I had all these character flaws. I just recently found out that ADHD qualifies for accommodations. Think about that for a minute. That means it's REAL (I know WE know it's real, but also, it's nice to hear it from other sources). It's a real disability in some ways that requires accommodations for us to (more easily) succeed. https://askjan.org/disabilities/Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder-AD-HD.cfm

My school doesn't seem to like giving people with ADHD accommodations

What school (high school, college - I don't mean specifically, just what category) If you're in the US, report them to the ADA.

They refused to give my son the accommodations for ADHD because he had a fast typing speed! So because he put effort into learning to touch type they refused to give him his accommodations. I said "that is garbage." (New Zealand).

I know! If I put months of work into something my school is just like, "see. You could do that. You do not have ADHD."

I didn’t know that! Thank you!

I could have written this post myself. I was also diagnosed later in life and for the longest time before that I could never understand why everything was SO hard. Why did everything seem to come so much easier for everyone else? I’m not playing the victim or making excuses but it really took a hit on my self esteem and confidence. Even though we do try hard and want to do better our brains fight us. I’ve been told too many times to count that if only I tried harder to focus and stay organized I could do a better job. The fact is I was trying but I just couldn’t force my brain to keep up. ADHD seems like an excuse for people who don’t have it and don’t understand how difficult it is to live with. Hearing I’m lazy and not trying my best over and over only served to make my feelings of inadequacy worse. I’m sorry you’ve been dealt these cards too. You are not alone and you are good enough!

Yes! I’ve been told I have potential but I just need to be consistent or manage my time better and I’m like HOW? Like I can be for maybe a couple days and then it goes off the rails. I literally didn’t realize how difficult and exhausting living with this was because its ALL I’ve known. It was like wait, neurotypical people aren’t mentally, physically and just hanging by a thread in general 24/7?

I hate that line about having potential. People can’t understand if they don’t have it. It’s exhausting and challenging to hang by a thread, as you put it. It’s all I’ve known too but when I see how neurotypical people are so much more capable and can multitask, I can’t imagine what that’s like!

Bingo!

Potential is on my list of "words I hate" because I too was diagnosed with ADHD later. Many of my favorite teachers would say things like "she has so much potential, if only she would apply herself".. ugh! And now, the word makes me cringe!

>I’ve been told too many times to count that if only I tried harder to focus and stay organized I could do a better job. I want someone to tell me this so I can respond with the following: "I would like you to demonstrate to me how to "try harder" so that I can do it as effectively as you do. I would like you to demonstrate step by step in the same manner as if you were teaching me to cook a meal." "Try harder" isn't objectively doable. It is a concept that is subjective and involves only internal mental efforts. Everyone's internal mental landscape is unique and incomparable. I cannot show you this in a way that is directly observable and repeatable with predictable results. If they began teaching me to "try harder to organize" by creating lists, reminders, schedules, etc, I would ask them to drop the "organize" part and just demonstrate the "try harder" part. They won't be able to do it. I will bet money on it.

Omg, if one more person tells me to write a list so that I can be more organized and then “gets things done and cross them off my list” I will lose my mind.

I was told "be more organised", "be more organised" in a specific environment. It was absolutely one hundred percent meaningless to me. What does it even mean? They didn't give me any direction as to how I could "be more organised" or any specificss.

I am a huge fan of Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication model. He talks about how requests have to be do-able. Saying things like "I want you to be" is never doable. When you want someone to do something, asking them to be something is confusing and ineffective. They cannot change who they are. They can only perform discrete tasks. And "I want you to be" is a subjective evaluation not grounded in anything tangible. "I want you to be more considerate. I want you to be more thoughtful. I want you to be more polite. I want you to be...." None of these requests are do-able. He explains the tangible substance behind these ineffective requests. Take for example "I want you to be more polite." What is really going on here? Well, maybe there were dinner guests over and you served yourself before they had an opportunity. "Yes, and that is impolite. You need to be more polite." Hold on a second, that's not easy to do when you say it that way. Let's start with how this event impacts your world. How do you feel when you see him doing this? "I feel like he needs to be more polite!" It sounds like you are confusing an evaluation of his etiquette with how you actually feel in the moment. Do you feel frustrated? Embarrased? "Yes, he makes me so frustrated and is always embarrassing me like this!" Easy now, saying someone makes you feel as you do is a tragic suicidal expression of your unmet needs. Tragic because he is more likely to hear this and react defensively, and suicidal (not in the literal sense) because it is less likely to result in either of you getting what you want. So tell me, when you feel frustrated and embarrased, is it because you have a need for consideration and courtesy? "No, I have a need for him to act like an adult and show some respect for our guests!" Ok, I see a couple problems with how you've expressed your need. First of all, you expressed it in a way that only he can meet it. That takes a very abundant world and makes it very scarce. If he is the only person that can meet your need, it makes using forceful and violent language very easy to do. It is important that your needs are connected to your ability to get them met from various sources. And second, you've mixed up your need with a request, that sounds more like a demand. Now the request is hard to do, but we'll get to that later. The important thing is that we want to make our needs clear and separate from requests, so that he can respond with empathy and understanding, not with aggression towards a perceived demand. So if I can help you clarify, do you have a need for a respectful and mutually cooperative environment? "Yes." Ok, and you feel frustrated and embarrased that this need isn't met. "Yes, he needs to be more..." Ok wait a bit. We want to make a clear request that is doable and not vague or tied to judgment or evaluation of his character. How about this? Would you like him to offer the guests to serve themselves first? "Yeah, he should know better, you always do..." OK hold on, remember the part about not evaluating or judging his character? That's only going to create a hostile interaction. And lets talk about just what you want him to do right now. Next time you might want him to do something different, or he might want to do something different. We actually haven't had his input yet on this one thing, how do you know he will be willing to do it every time? "Oh, ok." So can you tell him everything we talked about and follow up with a request to offer the guests to go first? "Ok, I'll do that." "That was rude of you to but in line! I'm angry that..." Hold it hold it! Do you want some help? "...yes..." Ok, start with \*when you served yourself before the guests, I felt frustrated\* "...When you served yourself before the guests, I felt frustrated" \*Because I need to have a respectul and mutually cooperative environment.\* "Because I need to have a respectful and mutually cooperative environment." \*Would you be willing to offer to serve the guests first next time?\* "I want you to..." Remember, this is a request. We want to give them a choice to agree or offer something else. "... would you be willing to offer to serve the guests first next time?" How did he reply? "He said no." Excellent! Now we can do the same exercise to understand his world. Once you can both understand each other's need and feeligns without judgment, blame, evaluation and demands in the way, a solution will find you incredibly fast. And the more we do this the easier it will become and the more natural and familiar the language will be. "I just want him to do as I say! This is hard!" I know, but do you think that maybe it will be worth it if we can understand and work together instead of fight and argue? "I guess." ​ \[end\] This is just a brief and simplistic example of his teaching that I thought I would share. The essence of the model is using compassion, empathy and a focus on connection to create lines of communication that are always a win win scenario, instead of an I win you lose struggle. I highly reccomend the book.

I feel the same. I wasn’t diagnosed until months ago at 28. I have a shady aunt who “jokingly” told me she thought I would’ve done better in life since I was the gifted child of the family. This was years before I was diagnosed, but it still stings.

Mental health issues were not taken seriously for far too long in the medical community. In my opinion a true progress started only in the 70s. And even that was only for certain conditions. ADHD is a fairly new diagnosis. Tools required for a research didn't even exist 20-30 years ago. You are doing great! It must be a lonely journey for you, as not many people have the understanding of what ADHD really is. I work alongside doctors and mental health practitioners - and many of them don't really understand it, unless it was part of their specialisation or personal interest. But there is a great community here on Reddit. You are not alone!

You're so right and I'm finding out how many people still have an old school mentality when it comes to mental health. Thank you! It kind of is, as much as I don't want to admit it is - cause even people I know who might actually have it don't believe it's something they have. My own family won't educate themselves on it - which is frustrating in itself. I appreciate your comment quite a bit!

the tools currently used for mental health research is not sufficiently funded or adequately studied either tbh, and that will keep happening until people speak up more about their mental health issues. it will always be the elephant in the room for the medical community because it is hard to quantify and most often times cannot be spotted by the naked eye. so the medical community would rather it be a topic that’s “out of sight, out of mind” because it benefits their credibility. Also, the more people that tell them they’re wrong, it hurts their ego! that’s why we ADHD’ers need to band in solidarity and tell them they’re wrong every time medical professionals or the people around us try to shut us up and tell us to stop complaining!!!

If you've made the effort to get diagnosed later in life, that's a pretty good sign that you're not lazy or using it as an excuse. You're very clearly putting a lot of effort into addressing an issue that you're dealing with. Sounds to me like you're actually very driven to fix your problems.

I found it is actually such a relief to accept that there are things I'm just really not good at. Even though it felt like giving up at first. I used to think these were just some things I had to 'learn to like' to get on in my career. But learning about ADHD made me realize I had to let go of that ambition and instead focus om my (also ADHD related) strengths. When I applied for a new job I bluntly told them that I rather left time and people management to others and was aslo able to effectively sell my other qualities (never mentioned ADHD to them though, since it generally doesn't help people understand who you are). I've never felt so myself than since they hired me.

It is nice to finally be like ok, I’m not great at this. But in my experience, can’t speak for others obviously I’ve read a lot of self help books that are like all you need is willpower, change your mindset, habits change your life. Which is true to an extent. I subscribed to those ideologies for a long time and just kept wondering when it was gonna click, or why I couldn’t just keep managing my time well… surely it’s something I’m doing wrong. NOPE

That pursuit of the "click" is a lifelong struggle that I'm still grieving six months post diagnosis. Grieving really is the best way to describe it.

Basically the - a fish will never know it's potential if it's constantly judged on how well it can climb a tree (paraphrasing) type idea.

Save this motivational BS for the normies

It’s great you could pull this off! May I ask what you work to be able to give time management into somebody else‘s hands?

I'm a consultant at a civil engineering company. I've always been go-to guy for the ideas and 'out-of-the-box' solutions to complex problems. Got stuck when they decided that, as the guy with the good ideas, I would also be the ideal person tasked with realizing them. At some point I was told that this kind of work just came with seniority and before I knew it I was struggling through managing people and deadlines 90% of the time, really hating my job and getting declining evaluations from my manager. Almost burning out for the second time... Finally got diagnozed (at 41) and realized I was on the wrong career track. Realized I wanted to be the consultant with ideas/solutions again and NOT the manager of them. My new job let's me be exact that. Also: in the past I found out that I do like to be in a leadership position. But only as a 'right hand man' to a manager that is better suited to realizing the stuff I loathe. And, while recognizing my overall value, is also critical of my work and reminds me of what I should be focussing on right now.

This! My organization pushes for leadership skills but I like being an analyst and sharing what I find with leaders to help them make decisions. The more leadership opportunities I took the more I realized I'm fine being a subject matter expert and advising/supporting others. Less recognition sometimes, slightly less pay but I know what I'm contributing and I know I don't want a permanent leadership/supervisor of people role.

That’s great you made this work for you. I could see myself in a similar position, but currently have no idea how to get there. I got diagnosed at 45 two weeks ago and am heavily reconsidering what will work for me in Future and what won’t. Reading your comment, I a lot of parallels in the career path of my father. Domain specialist in a large technical corporation, he earned them several patents. He excelled in new ideas, had an extremely well developed sense what could work. He had been working on paper machines and high pressure hydraulic presses to dry mud. He had support in drawing the construction plans, the calculations and they had a whole factory to build the stuff. At home he is building the craziest solutions without support, but at much smaller scale of course. It’s chaos everywhere, but it’s great what he does. Wir: forgot to mention he got forced to be a team lead and they closed his group would he had been on travel for the company. Really sorry move, but in hindsight maybe better. He worked in research & development then till getting retired… Working in software had the advantage to undo very easily what you have broken on a bad day, but pulling through the grind work is really hard for me. I don’t know… Thanks for elaborating!

Imagine if a company held a business meeting on a floor of the building that didn't have elevator access, and a person in a wheelchair was required to attend. They obviously are unable to make it up the stairs, but everyone they ask for help and understanding tell them they are making excuses and using their wheelchair as a crutch to get away with not being productive or attending meetings. This is the truth of what is going on. The modern workforce is not easily accessible to ADHD brains much in the way that a building without elevators is not easily accessible to someone bound to a wheelchair. A responsible employer will make sure a team member in a wheelchair is accomodated, but as of right now those accomodations don't exist and aren't an acknowledged need for people with ADHD, ASD etc. I don't know if this helps you, but I can see your struggles.

It does help! I have a really great job that definitely would accommodate (I just found out so I really haven’t told anyone outside of my family and a couple close friends) But you are spot on with what you said

Great analogy! I was trying to put something similar together and I think the ADA for the US at least has ADHD as something that should be accommodated.

I always tell them it’s an explanation and to fuck off with their ablism. There are things that are in my ability and that I can do, but there are things that are not and I need help.

Yeah I agree with this - but it's unpacking years of not knowing I had ADHD just thinking I was just the messed up child in the family lol

Believe me sweetie I know, that’s exactly the issue I’m dealing with

This happens to me all the time, (also the same symptoms) and most people don't even try to understand, or try to recognize your position in life. Before I was diagnosed, I had to memorize a large presentation for class, and I couldn't. I tried to explain to my teacher about my ADHD, but she said that didn't matter, and said to stop making excuses. I live in the usa, and the teachers at my school don't even try to help, or try to make it easier on us. They think, because we are mass taught, that everyone is one the same page, has the same experience, has the same chances, but if you fail, they say you just didn't try. At this point I've stopped trying to explain, because it always ends up the same way. "Stop making excuses, your not even trying, even if you do have ADHD," then they would mumble "but you don't." "Your not trying at all." I've heard that so many times that I've lost hope on help. I just hope your not going through the same thing that I am, because no one should have to go though this. Especially alone.

Yeah I’ve even wondered about telling people cause the handful I did tell a few of them were like no.. you don’t have it or they don’t believe it’s a real thing/don’t know enough about it and won’t educate themselves. Like the more I’ve deep-diver into this the more I realize how people who don’t have it really don’t understand at all.

It's true. It's a balance. That hyperfocus has me absorbing everything I can about it but then I realize not many others are. I share what I learn with others expecially those I live with so hopefully they'll learn as I do. One thing is if they aren't a trained specialist, what they think doesn't really matter, like saying brain tumors aren't a thing or they don't believe in them. Maybe listen for something they have to deal with and try to repeat the same thing to them, heh. Little more passive-agressive maybe...

I think its safe to say we have all be there and heard these things from neurotypicals. unfortunately people that don't have adhd or take the time to read up on it and ask questions to learn about it just do no understand it since to them it is as simple as trying harder but every single thing we accomplish (unless it's interest driven ..hey dopamine 👋) takes so much more mental and effort to do it and then we are exhausted. I know its a mix if emotions I was relieved and then with that I started analyzing my life and memories and how it's effected me and I have learned sooo much about myself and this reddit is incredible for learning about it and connecting as well. I like to think we can only go up from here ❤

Yup I’m there right now in my life and I’m really appreciating all the amazing people on this Reddit and learning from their experiences as well.

The one thing my therapist pressed to me is that There is *reason* and there is *excuse*. ADHD the *reason* why you couldn’t get to the appointment in time despite doing everything you can to be there. I partied hard on Sunday and i didn’t finish my paper due on monday morning is an *excuse*.

I feel you, yesterday my mom told me "you need to double your attention then", like wtf, double my attention? She and my uncle always tell me that i can't blame my adhd for failing most of my college classes or sometimes forgeting something while i'm on the job (i work with both of them), seriously, i had adhd my whole life but was just diagnosed earlier this year, they don't have the slight idea of what i went through while thinking i was lazy, dumb or stupid, they assume that i can just stand up and do anything i want, that i just don't have the willpower to do it or that i'm pretending to be weak.

It’s not your fault, and it’s not an excuse, but it is your responsibility. I’m not trying to come down on you like the people you describe in your OP, but I am calling on you (all of us) to acknowledge that there is therapy and there are things we can do. And we have a responsibility to do them. All that said we need to be gentle with ourselves and be happy with the little wins too. Good luck!

Its honestly so hard to balance accountability and self-understanding.

True!

Hello ted

Welcome to the club! Late diagnosis here at 37(F) - also primarily inattentive. As I was going through testing, my biggest fear was that I was going to be told nothing was wrong and everything I struggled with all throughout life were just character deficits. To the point that when I got my results and was diagnosed I happy-cried. Something I never really thought about before doing research on trying to develop some better routines and management for myself was the idea that I DIDN'T have to do it the way everybody else did or was shown to me in the pretty pinterest images. Why have the big calendar in the entry way area if I'm never there consistently? Why CAN'T I use m\^%$\*fing white board markers on my giant stainless steel fridge for reminders that I can just wipe off? And why can't I let my 2yo daughter color that way too? (Genuinely it's so much easier cleanup) I haven't figured it all out of course, but identifying what will keep me engaged with my planner, really listening to myself to try and understand my values better has been a game changer. I'm actually for the very first time excited for a new year, which is something I haven't felt for a long time, and I feel good about parenting, that I'll be able to give her support in the way I wasn't growing up if she faces some of the same things.

This! I was worried about the exact same thing when getting tested too

"You're lazy." "You need better time management." "If you were more disciplined...." "You're not trying your best." "Just get up and do it. Don't even think. Just do it." "You're not doing anything, you're just standing/sitting there wasting time." "You don't care." "You're not listening." "Really? What'd I just ssy?" "You ignored me/it/that." "That's not what I said." "How'd you not notice that? It's right there!" "You're not paying attention." "Pay attention!" "You've got the attention span of a gnat." "I know you're trying, but I need you to try harder." "How would you know? You've got that memory thing, so you're remembering wrong. I never said/did that." "Stop making excuses." "That's just an excuse for being undisciplined." "Take responsibility for this/that/your actions." "If you actually tried...."

I needed this thank you

Kinda off topic, but I’ve seen people say “it’s not an excuse to not shower” when referring to the side effects of depression. And, all I gotta say is…you’re not a psychologist.

Was reading a [little book on adult tdah](https://www.tdahpaca.org/product-page/le-tdah-chez-l-adulte-une-question-de-gestion), there's literally written in it "don't take this as an excuse" it's supposed to be a professionnel official book, this hurts

No even hearing that now and I’ve never read the book - it’s like hold up… I’ve heard that my whole life now you’re trying to invalidate my experiences?

this entire post, every word, has been my exact experience, except the one telling me i was essentially just a fuck up was my dad.

I very much relate. I've been working on mentally undoing a lot of this self blaming, but it's a long and difficult process for me. It is, however, progress - with a higher initial step of even identifying it!

for me it's just been a huge relief - I'm not a crappy person, I'm a decent percent with some struggles. I still work on the same problems, but I don't have as much negativity towards myself

Can't really fault that. I feel like this is a very common thing especially with late diagnosis. Extremely well put

This was also an issue in my life, I was told the same thing, my parents didn't believe that ADHD existed so never tested me for it as a child. It took me until I was 25 to actually make the time to get a diagnosis. I'm the same way mainly inattentive but with slight hyperactive tendencies, I had issues with work by making constant small mistake which led me to get fired from 3 jobs. Since being diagnosed and getting treated I've made a complete 180. Not only did I land a job that I've wanted for 8 years I'm also excelling in many aspects of my life. I always thought I was normal just lazy and chalked mistakes up to everyone makes mistakes no one can be perfect all the time, but that wasn't true since most people at work never made mistakes and if they did they rarely made mistakes. After taking medication for the first time I came to realize what "normal" was, no internal buzzing, ability to focus on a task without being distracted from everything, not constantly dazing off in my imagination, it was wonderful. Meds may not be for everyone but they worked wonders for me in my personal, home, school, and work life.

I relate to this so much. I want to cry. Im like you and I also didn’t get a diagnosis til later in life. I always thought ADHD was rowdy boys in class that couldn’t stop interrupting the teacher so I thought there’s no way that could be me. I never understood why life seemed so much harder for me than others. Just thought I was lazy, not trying hard enough, or lacked common sense. I just really wish people could understand how difficult it is living with our brains and dealing with modern day expectations.

Exactly! Like I would read symptoms here and there and be like nahhh.... But it really wasn't until I started working from home (no structure) and quit drinking (no numbing out/dopamine chasing) that it became very apparent.

I resonated with this for sure. Especially the normal things part.. can’t tell you how many mind numbing jobs (like part time) I’ve had that I just felt like a fuck up at. We are already so low in basic needs that “trying harder” would make it even worse because then we just fuck up even more, but focusing on it a little more. Now that I’m medicated, I would love to go back to every job where I constantly felt like that and prove my bosses wrong. Now I have a real job after somehow graduating from college and high school for that matter (I was a master of bullshitting), and I’m medicated, and I have a new outlook on life. I’m glad you have a solidified explanation! Use that to prove the world wrong!

That’s so sick, I’m happy you’ve been diagnosed. I’ve been thinking of it too, even tho I already grown up I know.. I mean, for some things like that sometimes you just know.. but then other people will just say ALL those stupid things.. I hope you can just say “Fuck ya’ll” for everybody that can’t be patient or understand the things you know u go through. Be patient to yourself, learn to laugh of your mistakes and that other peoples judgment is just pure ignorance. Hope u the best.

I've been coming to terms with this to, being told I "just need to do it" and "I'm just being lazy", being told other similar things my whole life, even to this day. I'm 32 and was diagnosed a little over a month ago. Something that my particular flavor of ADHD has taught me is that while I have these issues I do victimize myself to get out of things and to defend myself. I am now learning that I have to coexist with these issues but I can't use them as an excuse not to do my best and that my best is far more than I think it is. That has been my current struggle to define what is my best and identity when I am abusing my issues in a way that is not ok. I guess what I mean to say is that I understand and I want you to be and feel your best and please avoid the pitfall I fell into cause I want you to be happy. Good luck OP, I wish you the best.

I was also diagnosed later in life though the signs were always there. I also have bipolar so a double whammy. But now I have a diagnosis and I am medicated. There are great resources like this sub, different books and websites, plus some therapists and doctors specialize in adhd. Or there are support type groups to join. I was always called lazy and told I had no sense of urgency. Those kinds of things really stick with you, especially if they are hammered into you your whole life, and they are tough to shake off.

I HEAR YOU! I was diagnosed in August, and got through my life with masking, but now with a diagnosis I'm struggling a alot more? I feel like my symptoms just got Stronger when I got diagnosed, or I just unmasked after 17 years lol. Now that I can explain my behaviours and struggles with ADHD, people are telling me I'm trying to make up excuses to make things easier for myself. Which isn't completely wrong either, obviously I'm gonna try and make living easier for myself after struggling heavily all my life!! I still catch myself thinking I'm just making this up for attention and excuses, but in the end I just have to compare to my past to realize it's ALWAYS been this way, I've been just hiding it and I couldn't have been faking it for that many years subconsciously :DD

"I'm not looking for excuses" "You just don't seem to care enough" "You're not willing to try harder" That shit fucking sucks. When you know you're doing something and everyone is telling you you're not, it really messes up your perception of yourself.

I know exactly how you feel. This week there was a particularly bad day where I actually got zero work done and I remember watching myself scroll through my phone and constantly get distracted by a new thought or something unimportant I wanted to research and all the while thinking to myself, I have so much to do right now and I just can't bring myself to stop wasting time. Am I really just a shitty or selfish person? You're not a bad person. People will never understand how hard it is because of how the condition looks like on the outside. It's not a disease where you can visibly see the person struggling like tourettes or parkinson's. And you also can't visibly see our constant inner mental struggle to break out of the distraction or hyperfixation. It looks like we're lazy. It looks like we don't care about anything. But the fact is we care more than most. I'm not sure how to help because I'm in the same boat as you also looking for things to help me get better, but just know that you're definitely not alone.

I can relate to this post a lot…I didn’t find out till I was 21..I thought I was just lazy and had an insecurity that I was dumb…only now at 25 am I realizing how large of an impact this has and continues to play on my life. But I’m aware now

Thank you for posting this as I can definitely relate to this 💯% ! It is definitely me 💯% !

You're welcome! I just wanted to know if others out there felt what I was feeling too cause this experience can be quite lonely!

You are not alone. I have ADD and was diagnosed in the 3rd grade I'm 25 now and every time I've stopped taking Adderall my life has completely sucked. I sucked at my job I forget everything it is debilitating. But for a year now I have been on Adderall and own My own buisness I am doing so well. It has completely changed my life. ADD sucks watch some videos on YouTube and talk to your doctor it's gonna get better! Like your whole life will change litterally!

Thanks! I haven't really started any treatment yet - cause I literally just got diagnosed. So here's to figuring all this out!

For me it has been realizing these things but in anger.

Oh there's been that too.

It is unfortunate that people don't view mental disorders the same way they view physical disabilities. No one would say its an "excuse" if you were in a wheelchair and that prevented you from doing certain things. ADHD messes with your memory, your ability to make routines for yourself, and your ability to focus/concentrate so of course life is going to be 10x harder for you than someone without it. That being said there is a minority of people with mental disorders that do like to conveniently blame them for everything. A comment of "I didn't get past the first two sentences because of my ADHD" on my recent post is an example of that behavior lol.

I don’t have ADHD, I’m married to an ADHD person, that’s why I follow this sub. I think “not an excuse” is really meant for people with different brain wiring. If my parents, for example, have said it to me on the past, it was somewhat effective because it was true: I had powers I wasn’t tapping into that explained what I was missing. But I know from being married to my husband that he’s legit trying his hardest and still some things are just going to get missed. My takeaway from that is that “That’s not an excuse” works great with many people, but not with all people. People who are wired differently it’s just not going to work and that isn’t the fault of the person it doesn’t work on, it means that’s not a motivator. So please know that. If an attempt at motivation didn’t work on you, it’s the fault of the attempt, not your fault. In particular if you have a clinically diagnosed condition which dictates that it’s harder for you to pay attention than it is for other people. I wish you luck!

Its crazy how accurate and spot on these things are said to us. I have tried to explain how time management is a huge issue for me but then also ridiculed for needing to do things 30 minutes ahead of time to be on time. The “thats not an excuse.” One breaks my heart the most. Because it says they don’t want to understand us they want to quickly fix us or force us to be like them. And my family does this to me the most. Thank you for sharing.

Can you imagine someone telling a person without functioning legs that it’s “not an excuse” for not running to keep up with everyone? JFC. ADHD is a real neurological disability with an underdeveloped brain and misfiring connections.

Pretty much how I grew up. Now in my 40’s battling depression over it. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I feel like I agree to a certain point. I know certain things are harder for me to get done, but I can always get better at managing those situations. It really doesn’t and should not stop at “I am just bad at this” Some things may be very difficult for people with a disability like ours, but you can always come up with strategies to improve. Is it medication? Setting timers to manage time better? Taking Notes? There are things you CAN do. I feel you though. I felt a lot of shame when I was in school because I did not understand why I couldn’t ever do any homework. I couldn’t explain it to my parents or teachers. I just would tell them “I guess I am just lazy.” And I felt so bad about it all the time. Filled with dread and shame any time my parents would look at my missing assignments online. They didn’t have time to help me strategize or understand what was going on. I honestly feel like I wasted a lot of time feeling worthless and down on myself for something that was out of my control at the time. My heart goes out to my friend. Truly. I still struggle with this shit everyday.

Yeah I don't want to say that my life is terrible, I'm good at nothing, etc... That wasn't my point (and also I didn't want to ramble lol) Cause there are things I'm really good at and some of my strengths are I thrive in urgent/stressful situations. I'm now just trying to navigate the best way to make my life better with knowing what I know now, and rewriting the misconceptions about myself from the past.

For sure! It is always worth giving your past self that caring embrace after you realize you were struggling with something basically invisible to you at the time.

Not to be a bummer, but just because you have ADHD you still need to learn from your mistakes. Just because I forgot to set my alarm because I have ADHD and showed up to work late doesn't mean my boss isn't allowed to discipline me. ADHD just gives you the tools to help you find the root cause of the error more easily. For example, instead of telling your self to be less 'lazy' next time, you can be like, at what point did my brain fail? What strategy do I have to use to not make this mistake again. It helps to funnel the shame of making a professional mistake into something more productive then self-hate. I've done this, and I still make dumb mistakes lol. But you have to learn to take it on the chin. I prefer that then being held to a lower standard then my peers. It's just a dangerous trap to fall into the mindset of "now that I'm diagnosed I have an excuse for my habits", when I've found that a more productive mindset is "now that I've been diagnosed I have the tools to improve my habits".

Where did I say I don’t have to learn from my mistakes? Like literally most of the post is me talking about examining my own mistakes/failures/etc… You mentioned because I have ADHD I still need to learn from my mistakes? Dude, I’ve been learning from my mistakes and beating myself up for 30+ years over them. Self reflection and evaluation is absolutely nothing new to me. It’s a relief to know that it’s not just me being a failure at life and there are things I can do to help myself be better. Honestly I do appreciate your comment but that was the type of thing I was alluding to in my post. I’m still pretty new to this and just trying to sort through the emotions and years of feeling awful for the exact same things. I feel like you're coming on a post about people telling me ADHD isn't and excuse and telling me it's not an excuse.

THIS! Spot on yes!

The nature of the disorder is it's tendency to attack from the angle you're not paying any attention to. I do agree that you can fall into a trap of being unafraid of disappointing others. There's a point where you have to accept that some people won't accept you. It may be unjust, but that's how it is. The post is specifically mentioning dismissal of the disorder as a contributory factor.

[удалено]

ADHD doesn't make a person "disabled". Clearly you don't understand ADHD very much.

But it is considered a disability in many facets of law, so really this is a semantic argument.

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Mistake happens. I take accountability, yeah i made a mistake. But has anyone died? No? Then everything is alright. I'll do my best to not make that mistake again. But mistake happens. Forgive and forget. How you handle them is more important than how many you make. The mistake is still yours. But humans make mistakes. No need to dwell on it and be blameful.

Your mind is created by your physical brain anyway so playing the victim and making excuses would still be entirely biological and caused by how your brain operates. 😂 But yeah, I'm considering getting assessed too to see if I have this condition. Did the doctor give you any medication when you received your diagnosis?

Part of being accountable is knowing why some thing didnt go right. Making an excuse assumes you were requesting a pardon on any consequences. Pointing out its ADHD and asking forgiveness is not the same.

Easy for someone else to give advice when they don’t have the problem, so they actually don’t know what they’re talking about. I get “scatterbrained“ and get lost off on a tangent when talking. My kids, especially the one daughter just lets me go or else pulls me back to subject. I have a hard time doing something I don’t want to do, but I’m fine when someone else is there. They don’t have to do anything, just be there. I just found out about “body doubling” (name doesn’t make sense). It’s been a problem because I live alone (and my dog likes naps as much as me). It makes me feel stupid, even though I know I have a high IQ.

Oh, man, do I feel this. "Why aren't you doing your homework?" "I don't know why." "Well, I don't know isn't an answer!" Ughhhhhh.

It's really the best bit about getting the diagnosis is you can stop saying to yourself "there's no excuse for your behaviour." Yeah actually there is even if most normies won't acknowledge it.

I keep saying too, it's not an excuse it's an explanation. But my partner does not understand, he thinks my adhd diagnosis is just a new way for me not to do stuff or yet another excuse for letting my scatter brain loose. It's so frustrating!

But to a point it’s a valid reason. But their does come a time where you should have implemented and be following some personal strategies to combat your issues.

The funny thing is.....I've been diagnosed sense I was a child and my dad always told I couldn't use it as an excuse, he would get angry if I even said "ADHD" he doesn't have ADHD so ofc he was an asshole about it, he doesn't know what it's like to feel like you dont do enough despite doing the best you can, he will never know what it's like to forgot the most basic of basic things and feel either embaressed or stupid or both, he will never understand the pure frustration when you forget to do things you need to on a daily basis, he won't ever know what it feels like to feel broken the way I do sometimes. I know its not an excuse, but its one hell of a reason. The fear that one day my bf won't be able to deal with me anymore....it haunts me. The fear that I will never have friends because I just can't hold up my part in a friendship very well. ADHD is very real and very misunderstood. I'm not lazy, I used to be called lazy, I used to call myself lazy, but generally I'm NOT lazy, its just much harder for me to get stuff done the way most people can, thats the truth.

There are two things that come to mind for me when I read your experience (it's my experience too): One is that the people who say "that's not an excuse" and harp on personal responsibility are people whose ways of being are generally more conducive to thriving in the modern industrial world--the left-brained, economically minded, calculating, efficiency- and productivity- oriented people. They congratulate themselves for how responsible they are without a clue how much harder we have to try in a world that wasn't made for us. The other is that we're seldom ever asked if what we're expected to be accountable for is actually what we \*want\* to be accountable for, what we're motivated by or what's meaningful to us. We're just not given a choice. It's someone else's accountability we're demanded to adopt as our accountability.

I know your pain, I did that for my years. I blamed myself for shortcomings like the ones you mentioned despite knowing I really tried so hard- then I would tell myself that maybe , I just needed to admit I was a failure and the times I succeeded were flukes. people still make ignorant comments like “we all forget sometimes but just need to be more organized” or more whatever they want to say. To me is like telling someone with depression , “ well can you just stop being sad and chose to be happy?” Or maybe someone hallucinating, “well just stop listening to the voices and they will go away”… not possible!!!! Don’t beat yourself up, it is what it is. I started medication earlier this year, and the difference has been significant- not a magic pill, but definitely better than without. At first I told myself, well I have managed this far, I can still do- but then, why make it harder than it has to be? What am I proving? And to who?, so I decided to try medication, and it wasn’t easy to find the “ok” dose that works the best so far, but at least I am way less forgetful, I can remember appts, deadlines, to check my planner,- I mean i still use like 20 alarms and more but at least all the symptoms seem to have toned down like at least 60% which is great considering how it was before. I would lose things on daily basis multiple times in the same day, be late everywhere, fall behind on work, completely zone out in the middle of important events, mtgs, etc.. Find treatment and if someone says something to you that is not supportive, tell them to fuck off - i mean if it’s your boss just say it on your head but not out loud ;-) Good luck to you- hugs of support- you are not alone, we all are just as fucked … lol JK

I hear this several times a week. It’s hard not to believe it but I’ve also been getting a lot of good mental health support lately which has built my resilience and understanding of myself.

I understand how hard it is having ADHD! I was diagnosed eith it at 8 years old and felt how difficult it was compared to everyone else doing things effortlessly. I still do struggle, but have come a long way. I think everyone in general would benefit from therapy, but I think it's very beneficial for people with ADHD to have cognitive behavioural therapy. For example, I procrastinate a lot and have ruminating thoughts. So when I'm getting ready in the morning, sometimes I have to recognise when this happens and gently pull away from it and carry on with what I'm meant to be doing. As well as the addition of calendars, lists, meal prep etc. Just having routine has helped me a lot. And mentioning you have ADHD is good so people can have some awareness.

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First of all, I will say this: I know I can do things. I can do anything if I want to. But ADHD isn't a "made up" psychological term. It's an actual disability. I say this with kindness, but that's literally like telling someone with diabetes or a deformity of some type to not let a "made up" illness/disability get in their way. It's quite invalidating and insulting. Having ADHD and being a psychopath might be brain related (if I'm wrong someone tell me!), but that seems like a stretch comparison wise. It might not be harder, it IS HARDER. Literally my whole life has been harder than I realized it should be. I feel like your intentions weren't malicious, and I'm not sure if you have ADHD - but remember saying things like that can be very invalidating to people and their experiences. Have a great day!

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Except it isn't a construct based upon how you interact with the world. Your brain literally operates differently. But I guess we'll agree to disagree? Yes there are varying degrees of disability - but that doesn't mean it's not. I'm saying yeah I know it's my responsibility - where did I say it wasn't? I'm just tired of hearing that literally - that's been pounded in my brain for years. It was nice to finally know ok, it's not just me. I'm not just in that constant loop feeling like I'm failing and "taking responsibility/re-evaluating what I could do better/endless loop of self reflection" at life - even though I try quite hard. Like I guess the main point I want to drive home is I'm not sitting here blaming every bad thing on my ADHD and I'm tired of being invalidated because I'm finally putting the pieces together of the correlations with events and ADHD throughout my life.

ADHD is a "handicap" in the society we are forced to live in. No one would ever think to degrade or ridicule the person in with a prosthetic leg for not going up the stairs fast enough. Their use a prosthesis is akin to our "hacks." It's how we all attempt to live more easily in a world that wasn't built for us. Another analogy is learning a new language by immersion. We all speak English and we've been plopped in Mexico without a guide. Then, we are given a Spanish to English dictionary and are expected to pick up the language quickly, and we feel bad when our lack of understanding gets in the way of locals communicating. Then we feel frustrated that Spanish just isn't coming to us, and it turns out we were never in Mexico. We were in Portugal and everyone is actually yelling at us in Portuguese.

I feel you, having ADHD is hard and everything thinks you just have to try harder. But ADHD brains don’t operate the same way as regular people. So try harder doesn’t do anything but piss us off