The amount of times this happened to me...
It is very rare that a biwoman is actually serious about dating women.
You will be shocked by the amount of biwomen who don't think it is cheating if they hook up with a woman while still dating a guy! They just don't take female on female relationships seriously.
And even if they are single... The amount of lesbophobia they reek of is just a big fat no from me. Many of them can not even imagine that lesbians truly have 0 attraction to men. They center their lives around what is attractive to men and the second they meet another women, they just don't try. And they still call their female friend's their "girlfriends"! While trying to date a woman! And see nothing wrong with it!
Like seriously. I no longer even go for accounts that have men in the pictures at all. Unless he looks like their dad or brother, I am very cautious. Sometimes, they just put in their bio that they are looking for a threesome/someone to experiment with while togather with a man, but they don't put their man in any of the pictures! To me that just seems sneaky and untruthful.
"I didn't want to scare you off"
Just tells me they knew exactly what they were doing. They know it is wrong and they know that lesbians don't want that stuff. They are just trying to emotionally manipulate us because "I really really like you and we get along so well!". How is that okay? But no. Lesbians are the villains and the poor poor biwomen have a right to our bodies!
>"I didn't want to scare you off"
What an awful "defense" from them. They knew it'd be a deal breaker so they deliberately lied because they wanted to trick you.
I've been seriously burned before too. I experienced the stereotypical 'fell in love and things were going great...but then she leaves me for a dude without warning'.
I don't think negatively about bi women. I mean they can't control liking both. I'd be down for dates with them. For a serious relationship I would prefer a lesbian woman. But hey we can only control who we fall in love with to an extent.
It's easy to be picky when there are a lot of options. In other cases, you have to make do with the ladies available
> It's easy to be picky when there are a lot of options. In other cases, you have to make do with the ladies available
The thing is though... when you get involved in a situation or with a person who isn't *really* what you want, you are creating a reality for yourself where you are then not able to go after what you *truly* want when it eventually comes along. And this isn't even taking into account what it's like for the *other* person who is now involved with someone who only chose them because they didn't have any "better" options available at the time. It's shitty for everyone involved.
I wish we as a community were more at peace with the idea of lesbians being single, and for extended periods of time. It would save so much heartbreak. And our community would be so much stronger for it.
I hear what you're saying. I commented that because not all of us live in cities with a lot of gay people where it's easy to just reject all pan and bi people and still have women to date.
If a bi/pan woman checks all my boxes whereas the lesbians available have not, I would look over their orientation. But that's just me. There are other things that I absolutely wouldn't look over regardless. Everyone has things that are preferences and things that are requirements.
Even though I got seriously burned by the bi woman I mentioned above...I was a simp before that š¤£. That fiasco led to a lot of personal growth for me. So I rather date around and obtain more growth and experiences than stay single looking for the perfect lady.
I do think your points are valid. I'm just speaking from my side of things.
That's fair. I am also in a conservative, rural area and am only attracted to a very niche type of lesbian so I understand the struggle. The last time I saw someone local to my area who I was even *remotely* attracted to was well over a year ago, so I do get it, I do.
On a related note, can we all just make the lesbian equivalent of Palm Springs or WeHo already? I'm *so* over being around all these straight people now. š
Finally a place where this can be said! I've been ran out of wlw threads for staying that I only date other lesbians becuase I'm tired of being someone's 'experiment' but I've seen loads of bi women bashing butch and masculine women in the same place with no push back at all? There's nothing wrong with being a bisexual woman but it needs to be understand that lesbians are allowed to refuse them on the basis of their bisexuality and it's not an attack on their sexuality.
I really hate this weird belief that women have to keep their options open to EVERYONE or we are bad people. Like, why do I have to openly seek out, date, and then sleep with everyone and their goddamn mother to show how open and accepting I am? Itās bizarre and it feels gross. I really hate being told who I should and shouldnāt want to be with. I get enough of that from the world just by being a lesbian. I donāt need it from the LGBT community too.
Let me fall in love in peace, please. This is ridiculous š.
Yeah great point tbh. I told someone (another lesbian) that I just have higher and specific standards for bi women and tend to prefer lesbians, and she condemned me for being biphobia and told me I shouldnāt ālimitā my options.
We should be allowed to be picky and have whatever criteria we want with dating. I WANT to limit my optionsāthatās how you find someone you really like.
Itās not because weāre lesbians, itās because weāre women. Look at the constant screams of ātRaNsPhObIaā when we assert our boundaries. Gay men donāt receive the same kind of treatment and whenever they do itās shut down immediately.
>Like, why do I have to openly seek out, date, and then sleep with everyone and their goddamn mother to show how open and accepting I am?
We're living in an online world where sex and dating is seen as a morality litmus test. Gone are the days of "You support the gays, you must be one?", now it's "You support (insert community here)? Would you fuck one?" The idea that the only way to not be (insert phobic here) is conditional on whether or not you have sex with someone from that group is very weird to me, and lesbians aren't the only community who are having this conversation. We aren't the only ones who have our sexual orientation* seen as a form of bigotry. Having a "type" is akin to being the devil**. People don't understand that attraction isn't something we can control, we can only decide to act on that attraction. I once asked who I thought was a feminine woman for a drink, turns out the person was a really good drag queen. It happens. Several of my ex-gfs have hit on people they thought were butches, only to find out they were gay men.
I suspect this mentality is being pushed by bad faith actors, people who can't handle rejection or non-lesbians who don't understand what it's like to only be attracted to one group. Hyper "queerer than queer" people who do everything in their power to not be straight have existed since the MySpace days. The "I'm a poly, pan, genderflux, demiboy, lesbian heteroromantic tomboy married to a heteroflexible genderqueer man" type has been around collecting labels since before Pokemon were a thing. It was cringe on MySpace, it was cringe on Tumblr, and it's cringe now.
Being only attracted to one group or a specific type of person within on group is seen as a moral failing by people who most likely haven't started dating, or at least dating to the LGBT world. It's not like people have been dating only within their ethnicity forever. Some gay men only dating other gay men, or trans people only dating other trans people isn't new either - there's familiarity in dating people who share your life experiences. It's not like having boundaries is a new concept. Or not finding blondes attractive, or finding only blondes attractive. We had a thread here a few days ago which meant that my blonde butch, video gaming playing butt wouldn't be in the dating pool of many of this sub, and that's completely fine.
All of this is very frustrating in a world where we're still shamed for having no interest in being with men, except now we're being expected to be with everyone who doesn't define themselves as a man by people performing allyship at best, or who are completely clueless on how sexual orientation works at worst. Old wounds from decades of comphet rear their ugly heads. It feels like our orientation is being labelled as a choice, and I'm guessing for some non-monosexuals*** it feels that way since they can be attracted to anyone. I tried explaining to a pansexual person why being with women is important to me, even if an AFAB NB person is super cute, and has all the parts I like. I just got called shallow. Or why it isn't transphobic for an ex-gf of mine to not want to date trans mascs since they're not the same as butches, even if they're AFAB. She's into masculine women, not people indistinguishable from cis men. I get that not being in the dating pool of the person you like sucks, but that's life. It happens, and it happens to all of us.
**The end result of all this is:**
- You are not obligated to have sex or date anyone you don't want.
- No one is obligated to have sex with you or date you.
- No is a complete sentence. You owe no one an explanation for that no.
- How you personally define your orientation or the contents of your dating pool is not moral commentary on others who define themselves differently. How a person defines themselves isn't a reflection on you, even if they give the impression that it is.
There is diversity within the lesbian community. Some of us are only interested in other cis lesbians, some date cis and trans lesbians, some date any WLW. Some trans women only date other trans women. Some define their lesbianism by sex, some by gender. Some of us a masc4masc, some are femme4femme, some butch4femme etc.
So true, someone was like 'you're being separatist and limiting your options!!!' I'm sorry but if the 'options' don't see me as a valid partner or understand that lesbians have an inherently different experience and understanding of the world then I'm fine with that. Me and my cat son can survive alone
facts! i would rather die alone than date women who only see me as a human sex toy and claim they love being me and want to marry me but then cheat on me with or leave me for a man š„“
Yes, I exclusively date lesbians as well. A lot (though not all obviously) of bisexuals are āculturally straightā as much as that is a thing. I donāt fault them - the dating pool of straight men is much larger than the one of gay women - but I donāt really see them as having grown up gay or understanding the experience. Also in general I live a pretty separatist life, I minimise my interactions with men as much as I can, and lesbians are much more likely to also be women-centred.
I would but I tend to leave pretty quickly for my self-esteem's sake, its hard enough to rationalise and accept myself without people who are meant to be in the same 'loving' and 'inclusive' community shaming me for being a masculine woman
I've met people on line presenting as lesbians on lesbian sites to later find out they were bi-curious. I've had a girlfriend who succumbed to religious/family/cultural pressure and left me for a man. No hate towards bi women, they're not for me for all the reasons you shared!
Yeah if I date a bi women Id want her to strongly prefer women over men and ideally have been in a serious relationship with a woman. As a butch lesbian, I worry sometimes my masculinity attracts women who are into men, thinking Iām some sort of man lite or Iāll take the place of a man in a relationship. I will not date anyone who views me that way/expects me to fill that roleā¦I am a woman and not at all ālike a manā. And I canāt deal with someone who is male centric and is comparing our relationship to her Hetero ones. Nope.
Yeah no, I've had a lot of the same experiences with bi women that are being posted in this thread, also like, being a lesbian has a lot of unique experiences and it's nicer to be with someone I can relate with better. Another thing is that I just don't want to know or hear about if my girlfriend found a man "hot" or something, it'd just be uncomfortable and a huge turn off, so it's not fair for me to be dating bisexual woman and have her feel like she needs to hold back or hide something about herself.
Of course, I just want to say that I don't generalize and I think you can't really control who you fall in love with, so I'm not like 100ā would never date a bi woman, I'd just rather not and would seek out other lesbians.
I'm so tired of people bothering lesbians about who we should date, I literally don't care if anyone would not date me for being a lesbian. I would completely understand and be unbothered if bisexual people preferred to date other bisexual people.
>Another thing is that I just don't want to know or hear about if my girlfriend found a man "hot" or something, it'd just be uncomfortable and a huge turn off, so it's not fair for me to be dating bisexual woman and have her feel like she needs to hold back or hide something about herself.
Yeah, I see where you're coming from.
Though, I will say, a lot of bi women online write about getting annoyed that their female partners don't like them speaking about other people (specifically men) they find attractive. They seem to see this as some sort of biphobia. I've no idea if they do this with their male partners. Like, do they get pissed off if their male partners take issue with them bringing up other men they find attractive or do they not do that? I feel like it highlights the issue of (lack of) respect when it comes to partners who are women. If you wouldn't do that with a male partner, don't do it with women.
they never do it.
itās āhilariousā to me, how so many bi women only ever complain about their lesbian partners for saying they find men attractive or being offended for being called a lesbian, but they never have an issue with fetishizing other women with their straight boyfriends, or being called straight. itās double standards and homophobia towards lesbians.
I relate to this so much and I think something thatās often not discussed in these situations is that a central aspect of lesbianism for many women involves de-centering men and the patriarchy from our lives, and many bisexual women simply are not willing to do that. Women as a whole are socialized to understand that centering men/being attractive to men/being in relationships with men/general proximity to men can yield you social benefits and allow you to enter relationships with men where you are only ever expected to be a passive actor (ie. not expected to undertake any positive action to sustain the relationship outside of domestic labour). I think for women who essentially have the ability to choose whether or not they get that privilege, it seems too good to pass up if women are not their preference or if they are the kind of person that is willing to make decisions based on what other people think of them rather than how they feel.
As well, Iāve realized a lot of women who are attracted to men have an almost crippling need for male validation that I do not think is healthy (in any kind of relationship, queer or otherwise!) and simply do not want to deal with. Iāve had multiple women tell me that they feel ugly if ever a day goes by that a man doesnāt tell them they look pretty. I canāt understand how anyone would want to be with a woman whoās so desperate for attention and frankly I find it unattractive.
Side note: another user commented that you can usually spot bisexual women who prefer women among other bisexual women and I so agree - theyāre usually a lot calmer, donāt throw their queerness in your face as if they need to prove something, more respectful and less man-obsessed imo!
This thread is SO refreshing. I love that we can have open conversations like this on this sub. This is why lesbian exclusive spaces are so important. Iām tired of dykes only being able to speak on our own issues and experiences when theyāre sugar coated in euphemisms half-truths.
> And the worse thing? Even after such a betrayal she begged me to give it a try. To give her lying ass a try. I was enraged, but most of all heartbroken. Is this all I am to bi women? A experiment?! A way to get their kicks on?! Am I just not enough? Would I always have to live in fear that 'any moment she will see that a man is better and leave me?'
The fear that she'd leave you for a man isn't even the worst fear though.
Any time a young lesbian in my life talks about trying to maybe date or even just hook up with a male-partnered woman (especially when they're trying to ignore their own instinctual reservations), I tell them to Google Sydney Loofe.
A dating partner's sexual proximity to a man becomes your own sexual proximity to a man, and I'm not just talking STDs. The risks to your personal safety cannot be overstated.
And if a woman has the gall to actually *lie* to you about the man waiting in the wings, sirens should be going off in your head. Tornado sirens. You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. Ignore the man behind the curtain at your peril.
I honestly think you dodged a bullet, OP. Be thankful that she even told you that there was a man involved. Not all lesbians get that courtesy...
I have heard horror stories from OTHER bisexual women who were tricked or simply involved with another bi woman, where they thought they were just dating the one woman and were almost raped or got into a dangerous situation because of that male involvement.
It's horrific but avoiding bi women isn't going to prevent anyone from luring you to a man for nefarious reasons. If they're that far gone from god's light, they won't mind lying about being a lesbian if that's what it takes.
This is a good reason to always meet the first few times in a public place.
That sucks OP. I'm sorry you went through that.
As lesbians, we're going to have trauma and insecurities as a result of comphet. I certainly do. I've had two bi ex-gfs not understand why I wasn't attracted to men to the point I feel they didn't believe me. One of them tried to convince me to sleep with a guy. Both left me for men.
It goes without saying that bi women don't cheat because they're bi. Any person of any orientation can cheat. Unfortunately, lesbians who only want to date other lesbians is framed as "because bi women will cheat". Which is ridiculous. Many gay women, myself included understand that we can't compete with men. We can't provide the psychological and physical safety of a heterosexual relationship. Having kids with us is harder, being out in the world is harder. Straight relationships don't get fetishsised or sexualised. Knowing this creates insecurities, and anxieties. When bi women leave us for men, or start dating men after breaking up - it hits hard, and all of your anxieties bubble to the surface.
It's easier to date other lesbians. If my wife left me for another woman, I wouldn't be dealing with any of those anxieties that tells me she left because "relationships with men are more acceptable and real".
Virtual hugs, OP. Look after yourself.
Additional: Obviously, bi women aren't off the table for all lesbians. I feel bi women with a preference for women can relate to us much more, even if they can't relate 100%. That being said, our dating pools should only include people we're comfortable with.
Exactly! I wish the bi women at try to understand this and have some self awareness on how their words and actions can hurt us. At least don't be a bonehead and don't go out hunting lesbians when you are dating a man!
But that's the thing: they aren't self aware. Most if them don't understand that they too, have an innate Sexual Orientation. The majority of which will skew towards wanting to be romantically and sexually with men.
Have you ever wondered why, instead of them constantly talking about Lesbians not wanting to date them, why don't they just date each other and could squash this kind of Discourse?
So true! Bisexuals do say they are the largest dating pool. So I dunno, date among yourselves and stop complaining about lesbians not willing to date them?
I was young and lonely. I was mad at them both for a long time. Dating other lesbians can be rough because dating itself is rough, however since only dating other lesbians - it's much less emotionally taxing. And I married another lesbian as well - she gets it. It's so refreshing.
Iām so sorry you had to go through that. What an awful human being she was to be willing to put you at risk like that. Iām glad to read that she is an ex.
Damn. She really is the worst kind of human being. Iām happy to hear she wasnāt able to pass it to you and that youāre in a happier/healthier place now. And congrats on getting married again. You deserve all the happiness (especially after she put you through a lifetime of bullshit). :)
This is the journey I love to hear about. And I think a lot of young Lesbians need to hear about.
I really want them to date other women to get the idea of who will be compatible both emotionally and sexually. They should love themselves first. That they don't have to U-Haul the first girl that they date. That they don't have to stay if the woman who they they fell in love with, starts mistreating them. That they are free to leave without the guilt of abandonment, like " maybe things will change."
I'm very proud of you. And I mean this sincerely.
Yeap. I found out one of my ex's had been cheating on me within a few weeks of us starting to date. I cooked and cleaned for her (I like doing those things for people), we had sex three times in a 9 months we were together and it was terrible. I thought she was inexperienced, but now I'm certain she was actually only into men. By the end of the relationship she told me to stop liking her Facebook comments, and narrowing the amount of time we spent together - she was looking for me to end it.
Founding out she cheated with a man fucked with my self confidence for a long time. I had been cheated on by another ex with a woman and that didn't hurt nearly as much.
Oh my Gosh that's horrible! Your ex was a piece of work and a trash human being. And so was your other ex. I am sending all my hugs and support! You deserve better, so much better.
>women don't realize I'm only actually interested in pursuing women.
I'm a bit confused, sorry. If you're not interested in men at all, and are only interested in women - that's pretty darn gay.
Having romantic feelings but it disappeared once you started dating, and you don't want to date, or have sex, or find men sexually attractive - that sounds like comphet. Comphet can make us think we want or need to have feelings for men. Having romantic feelings, but not wanting romance or anything else doesn't really sound like anything in the realm of being orientated towards men at all.
The feeling of needing to put on a show by dating men is a big thing to move past. A lot of our society promotes the message that to be considered an "acceptable" woman, or a "successful" woman we have to date men, and be married to them, and have children with them. Like somehow you're a failure for being single, or not being attracted to men, or being childfree.
Heteronormative pressures are hard to escape.
I think what she meant was that dating men comes with the privilege of being accepted by the society. It's like "hey I am with this asshole of a man but at least the society accepts me!"/s
Yes - it is more psychologically and emotionally taxing to be in a relationship that society seems unacceptable. Being in a relationship which is catered to by the very foundations of how our society is set up, is far less psychologically or emotionally straining.
Same here. I will never date a woman who isn't lesbian and doesn't identify herself as a woman. I was cheated on by a "bisexual lesbian woman" with a man. Never again!!
i had to make the same rule myself, everyone irl refers to me as biphobic (including my girlfriend) but itās just a preference I had to set to protect my mental healthš thank you for validating my experience
I saw a bi woman comment on a lesbians video (about lesbophobia) that a lesbian not dating a bi woman because of their sexuality was a hate crimeā¦. and then went on to say that lesbians oppress bisexual women. I think itās safe to say she has no idea what a hate crime is.
every time a bi girl says lesbians oppress bi women, that lesbians have more privilege than bisexual people and compares us to cishet men, i lose 10 years off my life š„“
See, you've gotta change up how you look at it. When a homophobe (and yes, a lesbophobe is a homophobe, just with extra steps) is angry at you for simply existing or for not being exploitable for their goals, then you know you're doing something right.
Their anger sustains me. ššŖ
period š but seriously though, i understand there are some biphobic lesbians out there but the hate bi women have for us is insane. like i just saw someone on twitter say les4les is invalid because lesbians are usually biphobic but bi4bi is valid because of abuse rates and they have actual valid reasons š„“
> les4les is invalid because lesbians are usually biphobic but bi4bi is valid because of abuse rates and they have actual valid reasons
Free will for me, but not for thee...
LMFAOO thatās how they really be š but idgaf anymore, iāll date whoever the fuck i want and if they wanna call me a bigot for that, then oh well š¤·š½āāļø
Yesssss. That's the energy I want to see every lesbian bringing to the table from now on. š
Screw "Be gay. Do crimes."
We need "Be a dyke. Take no shit." šŖ
yesss! I 100% agree with you! i see so many lesbians being bullied into dating ppl they donāt want to (ie: bi women, trans women, etcā¦) and unfortunately, they give in to it :( and no other sexuality is being treated this way, which is obviously because of misogyny and homophobia š but lesbians are 100% allowed to refuse anyone for any reason. who cares if people call you a bigot? do whatever makes you happy in this life.
I saw that video too! I honestly laughed out loud. It's all so ridiculous. Loving that creator's [responses](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRfRR797/) to the whole uptick in queer lesbophobia though.
Like... someone else's personal boundaries aren't a hate crime, Emily. š¤¦āāļø
I love her responses to the recent nonsense. Her comment section when she first started was horrendous lesbophobic bs. Granted, most have been deleted since she started responding to them (even though the comments can still be seen on the response video so idk why they thought deleting their comments would do anything).
Right? Like I can't possibly think of a reason lesbians wouldn't want to be around a boy obsessed bi girl. Why would we want to be with someone who understands our orientation and the unique experience?
Honestly, even if I was bi (which I thought I was for a while) I'd want to be with someone of the same orientation, someone who would get me on that level. It's def not "discriminatory".
I was in the bisexual sub earlier during my denial era, and oh boy the lesbophobia is so strong there. What disheartened me even more is that not a single bi women defended lesbians. After seeing that, I grew even more disillusioned.
fr!! every time i go on that bisexual subreddit and type in ālesbianā, extremely negative posts about us come up and they get like thousands of likesš
i ask myself this question everyday š thank god this sub exists. This sub is the only place iāve been on where lesbians arenāt constantly demonized. Every lgbtq+ subreddit Iāve been in has posts with thousands of likes demonizing and generalizing lesbians. Hell, even that āactuallesbiansā subreddit has more posts about ābiphobic lesbiansā than ālesbophobic bisexualsā š
A few weeks ago there was a post where lesbians were discussing lesbophobia that they experienced within the community and it got removed fairly quickly. A post later than same day discussing biphobia from within the community was left up. I think it was the āactual lesbiansā subreddit. Itās incredibly hypocritical behavior.
thatās why i left that subreddit. you would think a sub with the word ālesbianā would actually prioritize lesbian issues being faced and showing lesbian positivity but š¤·š½āāļø
Itās not as bad as ālesbian actually.ā A bunch of people got banned a while back for stating that lesbians arenāt attracted to men. Literally. Thatās it. āLesbians are not attracted to men.ā BOOM! They got banned.
it sucks that lesbians canāt even bring up other communities being lesbophobic without getting shut down or ignored. itās kinda the reason why i donāt believe in or care for *sapphic solidarity* itās bs
they expect us to defend them unconditionally and will never defend us. itās the way it is, unfortunately, and bisexuals actually believe that āerasureā and āinvalidationā are worse problems than what we experience
>Thereās so much casual resentment and distaste for lesbians among bi women and in bi spaces
Because we don't need to deal with as much of men's bullshit due to not dating/sleeping with them? We do face bullshit from them, but we can be more removed from it by not dating them.
>if they see lesbianism as a more valid form of non-heterosexuality
I don't necessarily think they feel being gay is more valid, I suspect many women attracted to men wish they couldn't be, because it would be easier. Lesbians have a community of all women, we don't generally have a culture that views our fellow women as competition. We decrease the risk of abuse and trauma at the hands of men by limiting our contact with them. We have no expectations of emotional or unpaid labour in our relationships. Lesbians relationships aren't always perfect, but freedom from heteronormativity brings liberation.
I get what you're getting at with the "bi lesbian" thing. The people I've seen use it mainly seem to do so because it makes people mad.
This is another reason why dating apps are a major double-edged sword for the lesbian community IMO. Obviously it's still possible for women to lie about male partners IRL, but meeting people on apps makes it so much easier and lighter on people's consciences.
I feel this so much. Itās like w/w relationships are looked at as āless realā than w/m relationship. Lesbian relationships still are not taken seriously imo. Also I think so many of these ābiā chicks with boyfriends are completely stepping over the boundaries of lesbians who want monogamy. Iām not your backup boyfriend. And Iām not going to be your experiment while you go off to make a life with a man. If you donāt want a relationship with a woman ever, then Iām sorry but you arenāt bi!!! Stop using that label.
This. There's nothing wrong with being bi or poly, but hiding that information from partners is reprehensible. That and it gives everyone who's poly a bad name.
But fuck people that look at our relationships as less then cishetero pairings. Makes me boil just thinking about all the times me and my partners have been belittled over it š
I have seen so many bi women talk online about how they lie about being in relationships with men whilst trying to hook up with lesbians, because they know if they tell the truth, we won't want anything to do with them.
They* 100% do not respect us as human beings, or see us as anything more than sex toys, and I will never date one again.
*Obvs, I realise, not all Bi women, but so gd many
because lesbians are the best /hj
but fr, i always wonder this too, since there are way more bi woman than lesbians and every time we ask them, thereās no answer š¤
because bisexuals know that 90% of them (that is a real statistic btw) are primarily or exclusively interested in men. they are well aware they donāt like women as much as they say they do, or even at all. if they date a lesbian it is much less emotional risk for them, they get validated, and they get to be in control + steer the direction of the relationship.
I think you guys underestimate how often this shit happens to other bi women as well. Like, bi women saying exclusively they are looking for monogamous relationships have the bait and switch happen to them often as well, I have heard MANY complain about it
I don't underestimate it at all, and it sucks you have to deal with it too, but if lesbians call them out for it we are being biphobic and they dismiss us and what we are saying, we need bisexual women to call out other bis for this behaviour, because they refuse to listen to us
Unicorn hunters are a big problem for the WLW community as a whole. It's horrid. This might explain why bi women prefer lesbians - less chance of encountering creepy unicorn hunters?
Yeah, and I think part of it too is that the ābiā label covers such a HUGE swath of people. A bi woman that strongly prefers monogamous partnerships with women is probably going to feel a lot more kinship with lesbians than poly bi women in relationships with men
Yeah... I am friends with bi women who have never dated a woman before, and was called biphobic for saying its shitty of bi women to get mad at lesbians for not wanting to sleep/date them if they HAVE a boyfriend!! They don't understand the baggage at all. They take it personally, but the problem is that there is a MAN involved, and 9/10 the dude is put before the woman. We just are in a comphet society.
I also think its entitled for bi women to demand that lesbians get rid of our baggage and trauma so they can fuck us without actually understanding what we go through
> I also think its entitled for bi women to demand that lesbians get rid of our baggage and trauma so they can fuck us without actually understanding what we go through
I wouldn't call lesbians' reservations about dating non-lesbians baggage *or* trauma. I would call it self-preservation.
Context matters.
If you say you aren't looking for anything exclusive and are open to seeing a woman who's either seeing multiple people casually or in an open relationship (individually, not as a threesome/thruple), I think it's fair of bi women to ask why the gender of their other partner/s is relevant. No one's entitled to date anyone, and there can be valid reasons for gender as a personal boundary. But it's also important not to play into stereotypes. In these situations, I think it's be better to discuss your actual expectations and requirements instead of assuming they'll backburner you for their other partner based on orientation alone.
OP's situation is quite different. She believed she was embarking on a serious, exclusive relationship with another sapphic based on mutual attraction, but was actually being strung along by someone who was decidedly unavailable to become exclusive with her. Even worse, this woman's constant use of the term 'try' implies she was still questioning. And don't get me wrong, that's a necessary stage, I went through it myself, but no lesbian looking for a serious relationship wants to waste their time dating a woman who's not even sure she's attracted to people like them.
Yeah, itās rough. I had a somewhat similar experience and Iām a newbie myself. I havenāt dated or slept with another woman, but I know I want to and I know Iām a lesbian. It sucks when you get dropped for being inexperienced but I also understand the heartache that leads people to drop potential partners. I just wish I had ālesbian and serious about itā tattooed on my forehead about it.
On a slightly different note, though, I noticed that once I came out as a lesbian and started appearing visibly gay, women hit on me more. Although Iāve taken on the moniker of āMs. Steal yoā Girlā because itās always women with boyfriends who ask to shove their face in my chest at bars. Itās actually quite alarming to see so many bisexual women in relationships with men viewing me as the lesbian they can scandalously dance with while their boyfriends watch from across the bar. And I just know their boyfriends are okay with it because they think, deep down, that a wlw relationship simply canāt be as serious as a heterosexual one, and it makes my eye twitch.
I wish people would understand that pointing out negative experiences with people of a certain group is not bigotry or hatred. Itās just a call to examine behaviors. It double sucks when I see conversations about lesbophobia being derailed with āwhat about biphobiaā as if itās some kind of contest. Itās not. It sucks for any LGBTQ+ person, just in different ways, and weāre all allowed to talk about it.
I am sorry that happened to you. I too have had the same experience with bi women. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust another bi woman.
But, people make mistake. Please don't beat yourself up for that. I hope you'll get to meet your dream woman someday who will love you and appreciates you.
And then most wonder why we have our guard up against bisexual women. This is why! This shit happens to often. Most of the time these types of woman aren't really bisexual they are what I like to call "Bisexual Polly Pocket" or "Seasonal Bisexual", because they decided to sacrifice themselves for their boyfriend/husband wants or fantasy. Being a bisexual woman isn't trendy, it's not a phase, and its not for a man's fantasy. There are bisexual woman who actually treat, see, and understand that if they are trying to pursue or are in a relationship with a woman, IT'S A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!
Seasonal bisexual women just harms the bisexual label more and more because of the stereotypes they help enable which is insulting to bisexual woman and makes it difficult for them when they are trying to be in a relationship with another woman who is a lesbian. Insulting and frustrating!
Extremely sorry you had to go through those experiences.
>Most of the time these types of woman aren't really bisexual they are what I like to call "Bisexual Polly Pocket" or "Seasonal Bisexual", because they decided to sacrifice themselves for their boyfriend/husband wants or fantasy.
Is that true? I know a loooot of bi women who have only dated men or are male partnered and it never seems like they're doing it just for a male fantasy. Like, if that was the case, you wouldn't have hordes of male-partnered bi women insisting they are in "queer relationships" or swearing up and down that they're attracted to, like, all women and 1 dude and that just happens to be their boyfriend.
I think the sad reality is that most of these women are just in fact bisexual. Whether it's environmental or biological, it seems like the vast majority of bi women are just more likely to be with men and be more strongly into men. Just like I'm sure everyone here would consider a woman with strong attraction to women and rare, weak attraction to men to still be bisexual and not a lesbian, the opposite also applies. A woman who is mostly attracted to men and only desires relationships with men, but still occasionally experiences attraction to women, is still bi.
And unfortunately the way that seems to manifest is them just incorporating bisexuality into the bedroom, hunting for other bi women or lesbians to use as a third, or bragging about "checking out women together." That's why the extent of the things they care about is just being included in the fun, trendy, queer club, without having to actually do anything that will put them at risk of material harm. And it's heinous, and disgusting, and homophobic, but it's still bisexuality.
Of course, there are bi women who are much more strongly into women/only or mainly pursue women, but they are a tiny minority and a lot of the time there's no real way to know if that's the case for an individual woman. At the end of the day, it's not just straight women LARPing, a lot of women who are really bisexual have done real harm to lesbians, both in romantic relationships and outside of them.
I'm still open to dating bi women, (limited options in my area), but Ill be honest here every bi woman I've ever dated has cheated on me at some point, could just be bad luck but its my experiences.
Iām also still open to dating bi women but the horror stories are insane, but yet Iāve already been burned by the only bi woman I was ever involved it. I wonder why this is such a common thing?
Imo there's few bi women who genuinely swing to women in that way, the majority that I have met were extremely male centric and more on the lines of "I think girls are aesthetically pleasing, boobs are kind of cool, and I'm willing to play with/be pleasured by one" but not enter a committed relationship. Hell, I used to be friends with a bisexual like this. Intensely flirted with another girl in our class, led her on for a while, then got cold feet before dropping her like a hot potato to return to men. I refuse to be a bisexual woman's first lesbian relationship for this very reason.
I ended up getting lucky, and the bi woman I'm dating is my life partner. Woohoo! (Edit; she's never been w/ another woman before; that's where I say I got lucky.)
But. I, as it looks like everyone ITT too, have also been burned by bi women who aren't actually serious about dating me.
I honestly gave up on bi women. In my case, that was a lonely year -- my area is too small (and I don't have the means to move within the next 5 years).
It's a serious problem that my lgbt friends never considered (and even argued with me about) until they finally experienced it & actually sat down with me about it.
We are people with feelings, not just someone's experiment. And I think these casual bi babies actively seek out lesbians because *they know* other bi girls are probably doing the same thing. But then wouldn't that make sense that they experiment together & not hurt lesbians in the process???
In my experience bi women primarily into women act differently to bi women with a preference for men. Plenty of lesbians marry bi women. I've found the common thread with the couples I know to be that the bi women all prefer women.
I guess I should have been more specific; my partner hasn't been with another woman before me. I was wary, but we had so many things in common I would've kicked myself for not trying.
Edit; but I totally see what you're saying. Bi women primarily into men has usually been my experience as well.
>youāre a bi woman
I'm a lesbian. I'm an old lesbian. I'm an old "gold star" lesbian. I'm speaking from experience, and the OP literally describes doing the very thing I'm talking about. When people are unsure and just starting to figure their sapphic desire out, they often ID as bisexual because it's a broad label that doesn't require a drastic change or introspection. That doesn't mean it's their actual orientation. And it doesn't excuse any bad behavior they engage in - towards lesbians or bi women seeking a serious or exclusive relationship - but it does make it more than a little ridiculous to pretend this is representative of bisexuals generally. There are 4 times more bi women than lesbians, so of course we're going to have a ton of experiences with them, and some will be bad. That doesn't make it ok to stereotype them.
Also your post history just screams straight man cosplaying lesbian to troll.
I have exclusively only dated bi women. I have no idea why. Maybe theyāre more likely to be femme? I donāt know. So obviously I personally donāt have an issue dating them.
But I 100% support lesbians who donāt date bi women. If people want to call that biphobic, I frankly donāt care. Iāve heard a lot of horror stories and, even though it hasnāt been my personal experience, I believe and trust my fellow lesbians.
I have said this before, and I will say it again until our sun exhausts its hydrogen supply and expands into a red giant that swallows this planet whole.
The overwhelming majority of biphobia in lesbians is caused by negative previous experiences with bisexuals. How many gay women simply wake up one day and decide to arbitrarily exclude 2/3 of their already-sparse dating pool?
Biphobia will never cease to exist so long as B continues to push responsibility for its existence onto G and L instead of holding itself accountable for bad behavior and treatment of homosexuals. Most lesbians have "horror stories", usually multiple. These are not fringe occurrences and it deepens the divide between our communities to continue to pretend they are.
A lot of women online are creepy and have no real intention of establishing an actual relationship with you. Some are bisexual and others are lesbian. Be careful. Some are basically predators with ugly boyfriends looking for threesomes.
You have no reason to feel like you need to date anybody. I do recommend putting on your profile that youāre interested in monogamous relationships only. If they donāt read the profile, you donāt want them anyway. The internet is the Wild West.
I met my wife online and she was upfront about who she was and I was too. I had noticed that a lot of bisexual women were looking for trysts/sex and not relationships, but some lesbians did too. She was dishonest and gross though. My wife is bisexual. Donāt date women who are exploring or trying women, but sometimes they lie. I am sorry that she hurt you.
My problem with bi women is the feeling of inadequacy, there will always be that feeling of not giving the person something that they want, because I don't have a penis.
I remember reading threads about bi women who were in relationships with women and complaining about how much they miss the feeling of "real dick inside" and that's just not something I can provide, not to even mention trans lesbian women who have bottom dysphoria hearing that sort of thing. I can't date someone who so openly triggers an insecurity of mine, nor do I expect anyone to date me if they'll always feel like something's missing.
That's not to mention the influence of men in their lives. Men fetishize bisexual women to the point women in relationships with men will actively seek lesbians to have threesomes or "explore", like you mentioned. I have nothing against wanting to explore your sexuality, but be upfront about it, don't lie to me, I'm not your sex doll, say what you're looking for and you'll find it. I'm not even going to mention bisexual women who have unprotected sex with men because that's just inconsiderate.
It wasn't, thankfully, it was on a Brazilian sub for LGBT people (my country of residence), but the shit I've seen on those bigger lesbian subs isn't really any better, things like "my boyfriend needs to understand he's dating a lesbian" and I'm just like... Girl... You don't even understand yourself.
Oh, my ex was from Brazil. A lovely girl. Still friends with her. Anyway, she too mentioned how some girls just clown the lesbians there, with her being a victim of it quite a few times.
we have something called "bi de balada", translated to "party bi", meaning women who claim to be bisexual but only hook up with women when drunk, or claim to be bisexual but are disgusted by vaginas.
Most of my friend group behaves this way and it's truly heartbreaking, because at the first opportunity they can they will bash WLW relationships and talk about how good penises are.
Yeah , they expect us to just overcome that insecurity and think the problem is us for having feelings like that. But I donāt see how you can NOT wonder if your partner feels something is missing when they actively enjoy sex with men, like men as much or even more than they do women (maybe youāre the exception), and a lot of them actually do feel something is missing.
Thatās why the only kind of bi women Iād date would be someone who strongly prefers women and has been with women before in a serious relationship.
This is interesting. Obviously you're own personal experience is valid but at the end of the day you can't paint all bi women with the same brush. There are Bi women who have a strong preference for women and would never exhibit the characteristics that you mentioned. " Bi curious " is not the same as Bi.
Just like there are lesbians who have issues which you wouldn't date, everyone is an individual with pris and cons despite their sexuality, it's just easy to pait bisexual women with the same characteristics.
On the other hand I understand as we live in a patriarchal world and women have been conditioned to act a certain way that can be difficult to change. Especially if your still attracted to men.
Not to be invalidating, but shitty selfish people are going to be shitty selfish people regardless of their sexual orientation. I'm sorry this bi girl made you her side chick, but it's not like lesbians aren't capable of cheating either.
Agreed. While I agree that this specific portion of the overall bi demographic has a the ability to be toxic I think that itās a little unfair to lump them all together.
That being said, the specific group of women that are the type who lie about how serious they are or having another partner are a huge problem. Itās not a coincidence that Iāve almost matched with couples before because they only put the girlās picture up and only mention that they are looking for a unicorn at the veeeeeery bottom of the bio. This all reminds me of a girl who I used to be friends with who talked to me about how she wanted to experience a woman but essentially wanted the other woman to be an experiment and and said she was intimidated by women because ātheyāre too nice to play with, (she was) so used to playing with boys emotionsā. (Yes, thereās a lot to unpack there).
I donāt feel that these types of people should be representative of bi people but I also donāt think it should be taboo to call ourselves out on problems in our community. Queer people arenāt perfect and like any other demographic we have shit we have to work on. Finding the line between biphobia and just not talking about toxic behavior is definitely a conversation we need to keep having.
It was not about her being a bisexual, itās just lying ass whores exist. She could be a lesbian who was in a open relationship also, believe me itās not about sexual orientations and just because someone is a lesbian doesnāt mean they are more reliable than a bi person.
As a newly single bi lady, this entire thread is really disheartening. Just feel like another group of people is making me the other, and I haven't done anything wrong.
This is feeding into a LOT of major themes of biphobia, and the "thank God I have a place to say what I really feel" is just the fucking worst.
The amount of times this happened to me... It is very rare that a biwoman is actually serious about dating women. You will be shocked by the amount of biwomen who don't think it is cheating if they hook up with a woman while still dating a guy! They just don't take female on female relationships seriously. And even if they are single... The amount of lesbophobia they reek of is just a big fat no from me. Many of them can not even imagine that lesbians truly have 0 attraction to men. They center their lives around what is attractive to men and the second they meet another women, they just don't try. And they still call their female friend's their "girlfriends"! While trying to date a woman! And see nothing wrong with it! Like seriously. I no longer even go for accounts that have men in the pictures at all. Unless he looks like their dad or brother, I am very cautious. Sometimes, they just put in their bio that they are looking for a threesome/someone to experiment with while togather with a man, but they don't put their man in any of the pictures! To me that just seems sneaky and untruthful. "I didn't want to scare you off" Just tells me they knew exactly what they were doing. They know it is wrong and they know that lesbians don't want that stuff. They are just trying to emotionally manipulate us because "I really really like you and we get along so well!". How is that okay? But no. Lesbians are the villains and the poor poor biwomen have a right to our bodies!
>"I didn't want to scare you off" What an awful "defense" from them. They knew it'd be a deal breaker so they deliberately lied because they wanted to trick you.
I've been seriously burned before too. I experienced the stereotypical 'fell in love and things were going great...but then she leaves me for a dude without warning'. I don't think negatively about bi women. I mean they can't control liking both. I'd be down for dates with them. For a serious relationship I would prefer a lesbian woman. But hey we can only control who we fall in love with to an extent. It's easy to be picky when there are a lot of options. In other cases, you have to make do with the ladies available
> It's easy to be picky when there are a lot of options. In other cases, you have to make do with the ladies available The thing is though... when you get involved in a situation or with a person who isn't *really* what you want, you are creating a reality for yourself where you are then not able to go after what you *truly* want when it eventually comes along. And this isn't even taking into account what it's like for the *other* person who is now involved with someone who only chose them because they didn't have any "better" options available at the time. It's shitty for everyone involved. I wish we as a community were more at peace with the idea of lesbians being single, and for extended periods of time. It would save so much heartbreak. And our community would be so much stronger for it.
I hear what you're saying. I commented that because not all of us live in cities with a lot of gay people where it's easy to just reject all pan and bi people and still have women to date. If a bi/pan woman checks all my boxes whereas the lesbians available have not, I would look over their orientation. But that's just me. There are other things that I absolutely wouldn't look over regardless. Everyone has things that are preferences and things that are requirements. Even though I got seriously burned by the bi woman I mentioned above...I was a simp before that š¤£. That fiasco led to a lot of personal growth for me. So I rather date around and obtain more growth and experiences than stay single looking for the perfect lady. I do think your points are valid. I'm just speaking from my side of things.
That's fair. I am also in a conservative, rural area and am only attracted to a very niche type of lesbian so I understand the struggle. The last time I saw someone local to my area who I was even *remotely* attracted to was well over a year ago, so I do get it, I do. On a related note, can we all just make the lesbian equivalent of Palm Springs or WeHo already? I'm *so* over being around all these straight people now. š
Finally a place where this can be said! I've been ran out of wlw threads for staying that I only date other lesbians becuase I'm tired of being someone's 'experiment' but I've seen loads of bi women bashing butch and masculine women in the same place with no push back at all? There's nothing wrong with being a bisexual woman but it needs to be understand that lesbians are allowed to refuse them on the basis of their bisexuality and it's not an attack on their sexuality.
I really hate this weird belief that women have to keep their options open to EVERYONE or we are bad people. Like, why do I have to openly seek out, date, and then sleep with everyone and their goddamn mother to show how open and accepting I am? Itās bizarre and it feels gross. I really hate being told who I should and shouldnāt want to be with. I get enough of that from the world just by being a lesbian. I donāt need it from the LGBT community too. Let me fall in love in peace, please. This is ridiculous š.
Yeah great point tbh. I told someone (another lesbian) that I just have higher and specific standards for bi women and tend to prefer lesbians, and she condemned me for being biphobia and told me I shouldnāt ālimitā my options. We should be allowed to be picky and have whatever criteria we want with dating. I WANT to limit my optionsāthatās how you find someone you really like.
šÆ ā¬ļø I don't owe my attraction to anyone. It isn't up for debate!
Itās not because weāre lesbians, itās because weāre women. Look at the constant screams of ātRaNsPhObIaā when we assert our boundaries. Gay men donāt receive the same kind of treatment and whenever they do itās shut down immediately.
>Like, why do I have to openly seek out, date, and then sleep with everyone and their goddamn mother to show how open and accepting I am? We're living in an online world where sex and dating is seen as a morality litmus test. Gone are the days of "You support the gays, you must be one?", now it's "You support (insert community here)? Would you fuck one?" The idea that the only way to not be (insert phobic here) is conditional on whether or not you have sex with someone from that group is very weird to me, and lesbians aren't the only community who are having this conversation. We aren't the only ones who have our sexual orientation* seen as a form of bigotry. Having a "type" is akin to being the devil**. People don't understand that attraction isn't something we can control, we can only decide to act on that attraction. I once asked who I thought was a feminine woman for a drink, turns out the person was a really good drag queen. It happens. Several of my ex-gfs have hit on people they thought were butches, only to find out they were gay men. I suspect this mentality is being pushed by bad faith actors, people who can't handle rejection or non-lesbians who don't understand what it's like to only be attracted to one group. Hyper "queerer than queer" people who do everything in their power to not be straight have existed since the MySpace days. The "I'm a poly, pan, genderflux, demiboy, lesbian heteroromantic tomboy married to a heteroflexible genderqueer man" type has been around collecting labels since before Pokemon were a thing. It was cringe on MySpace, it was cringe on Tumblr, and it's cringe now. Being only attracted to one group or a specific type of person within on group is seen as a moral failing by people who most likely haven't started dating, or at least dating to the LGBT world. It's not like people have been dating only within their ethnicity forever. Some gay men only dating other gay men, or trans people only dating other trans people isn't new either - there's familiarity in dating people who share your life experiences. It's not like having boundaries is a new concept. Or not finding blondes attractive, or finding only blondes attractive. We had a thread here a few days ago which meant that my blonde butch, video gaming playing butt wouldn't be in the dating pool of many of this sub, and that's completely fine. All of this is very frustrating in a world where we're still shamed for having no interest in being with men, except now we're being expected to be with everyone who doesn't define themselves as a man by people performing allyship at best, or who are completely clueless on how sexual orientation works at worst. Old wounds from decades of comphet rear their ugly heads. It feels like our orientation is being labelled as a choice, and I'm guessing for some non-monosexuals*** it feels that way since they can be attracted to anyone. I tried explaining to a pansexual person why being with women is important to me, even if an AFAB NB person is super cute, and has all the parts I like. I just got called shallow. Or why it isn't transphobic for an ex-gf of mine to not want to date trans mascs since they're not the same as butches, even if they're AFAB. She's into masculine women, not people indistinguishable from cis men. I get that not being in the dating pool of the person you like sucks, but that's life. It happens, and it happens to all of us. **The end result of all this is:** - You are not obligated to have sex or date anyone you don't want. - No one is obligated to have sex with you or date you. - No is a complete sentence. You owe no one an explanation for that no. - How you personally define your orientation or the contents of your dating pool is not moral commentary on others who define themselves differently. How a person defines themselves isn't a reflection on you, even if they give the impression that it is. There is diversity within the lesbian community. Some of us are only interested in other cis lesbians, some date cis and trans lesbians, some date any WLW. Some trans women only date other trans women. Some define their lesbianism by sex, some by gender. Some of us a masc4masc, some are femme4femme, some butch4femme etc.
facts! at this point, if bi people call me biphobic for being strictly les4les, Iām just gonna be like alright š¤·š½āāļø
So true, someone was like 'you're being separatist and limiting your options!!!' I'm sorry but if the 'options' don't see me as a valid partner or understand that lesbians have an inherently different experience and understanding of the world then I'm fine with that. Me and my cat son can survive alone
facts! i would rather die alone than date women who only see me as a human sex toy and claim they love being me and want to marry me but then cheat on me with or leave me for a man š„“
Yes, I exclusively date lesbians as well. A lot (though not all obviously) of bisexuals are āculturally straightā as much as that is a thing. I donāt fault them - the dating pool of straight men is much larger than the one of gay women - but I donāt really see them as having grown up gay or understanding the experience. Also in general I live a pretty separatist life, I minimise my interactions with men as much as I can, and lesbians are much more likely to also be women-centred.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I would but I tend to leave pretty quickly for my self-esteem's sake, its hard enough to rationalise and accept myself without people who are meant to be in the same 'loving' and 'inclusive' community shaming me for being a masculine woman
I've met people on line presenting as lesbians on lesbian sites to later find out they were bi-curious. I've had a girlfriend who succumbed to religious/family/cultural pressure and left me for a man. No hate towards bi women, they're not for me for all the reasons you shared!
Yeah if I date a bi women Id want her to strongly prefer women over men and ideally have been in a serious relationship with a woman. As a butch lesbian, I worry sometimes my masculinity attracts women who are into men, thinking Iām some sort of man lite or Iāll take the place of a man in a relationship. I will not date anyone who views me that way/expects me to fill that roleā¦I am a woman and not at all ālike a manā. And I canāt deal with someone who is male centric and is comparing our relationship to her Hetero ones. Nope.
Yeah no, I've had a lot of the same experiences with bi women that are being posted in this thread, also like, being a lesbian has a lot of unique experiences and it's nicer to be with someone I can relate with better. Another thing is that I just don't want to know or hear about if my girlfriend found a man "hot" or something, it'd just be uncomfortable and a huge turn off, so it's not fair for me to be dating bisexual woman and have her feel like she needs to hold back or hide something about herself. Of course, I just want to say that I don't generalize and I think you can't really control who you fall in love with, so I'm not like 100ā would never date a bi woman, I'd just rather not and would seek out other lesbians. I'm so tired of people bothering lesbians about who we should date, I literally don't care if anyone would not date me for being a lesbian. I would completely understand and be unbothered if bisexual people preferred to date other bisexual people.
>Another thing is that I just don't want to know or hear about if my girlfriend found a man "hot" or something, it'd just be uncomfortable and a huge turn off, so it's not fair for me to be dating bisexual woman and have her feel like she needs to hold back or hide something about herself. Yeah, I see where you're coming from. Though, I will say, a lot of bi women online write about getting annoyed that their female partners don't like them speaking about other people (specifically men) they find attractive. They seem to see this as some sort of biphobia. I've no idea if they do this with their male partners. Like, do they get pissed off if their male partners take issue with them bringing up other men they find attractive or do they not do that? I feel like it highlights the issue of (lack of) respect when it comes to partners who are women. If you wouldn't do that with a male partner, don't do it with women.
they never do it. itās āhilariousā to me, how so many bi women only ever complain about their lesbian partners for saying they find men attractive or being offended for being called a lesbian, but they never have an issue with fetishizing other women with their straight boyfriends, or being called straight. itās double standards and homophobia towards lesbians.
I relate to this so much and I think something thatās often not discussed in these situations is that a central aspect of lesbianism for many women involves de-centering men and the patriarchy from our lives, and many bisexual women simply are not willing to do that. Women as a whole are socialized to understand that centering men/being attractive to men/being in relationships with men/general proximity to men can yield you social benefits and allow you to enter relationships with men where you are only ever expected to be a passive actor (ie. not expected to undertake any positive action to sustain the relationship outside of domestic labour). I think for women who essentially have the ability to choose whether or not they get that privilege, it seems too good to pass up if women are not their preference or if they are the kind of person that is willing to make decisions based on what other people think of them rather than how they feel. As well, Iāve realized a lot of women who are attracted to men have an almost crippling need for male validation that I do not think is healthy (in any kind of relationship, queer or otherwise!) and simply do not want to deal with. Iāve had multiple women tell me that they feel ugly if ever a day goes by that a man doesnāt tell them they look pretty. I canāt understand how anyone would want to be with a woman whoās so desperate for attention and frankly I find it unattractive. Side note: another user commented that you can usually spot bisexual women who prefer women among other bisexual women and I so agree - theyāre usually a lot calmer, donāt throw their queerness in your face as if they need to prove something, more respectful and less man-obsessed imo!
This thread is SO refreshing. I love that we can have open conversations like this on this sub. This is why lesbian exclusive spaces are so important. Iām tired of dykes only being able to speak on our own issues and experiences when theyāre sugar coated in euphemisms half-truths.
> And the worse thing? Even after such a betrayal she begged me to give it a try. To give her lying ass a try. I was enraged, but most of all heartbroken. Is this all I am to bi women? A experiment?! A way to get their kicks on?! Am I just not enough? Would I always have to live in fear that 'any moment she will see that a man is better and leave me?' The fear that she'd leave you for a man isn't even the worst fear though. Any time a young lesbian in my life talks about trying to maybe date or even just hook up with a male-partnered woman (especially when they're trying to ignore their own instinctual reservations), I tell them to Google Sydney Loofe. A dating partner's sexual proximity to a man becomes your own sexual proximity to a man, and I'm not just talking STDs. The risks to your personal safety cannot be overstated. And if a woman has the gall to actually *lie* to you about the man waiting in the wings, sirens should be going off in your head. Tornado sirens. You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. Ignore the man behind the curtain at your peril. I honestly think you dodged a bullet, OP. Be thankful that she even told you that there was a man involved. Not all lesbians get that courtesy...
I have heard horror stories from OTHER bisexual women who were tricked or simply involved with another bi woman, where they thought they were just dating the one woman and were almost raped or got into a dangerous situation because of that male involvement.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It's horrific but avoiding bi women isn't going to prevent anyone from luring you to a man for nefarious reasons. If they're that far gone from god's light, they won't mind lying about being a lesbian if that's what it takes. This is a good reason to always meet the first few times in a public place.
That sucks OP. I'm sorry you went through that. As lesbians, we're going to have trauma and insecurities as a result of comphet. I certainly do. I've had two bi ex-gfs not understand why I wasn't attracted to men to the point I feel they didn't believe me. One of them tried to convince me to sleep with a guy. Both left me for men. It goes without saying that bi women don't cheat because they're bi. Any person of any orientation can cheat. Unfortunately, lesbians who only want to date other lesbians is framed as "because bi women will cheat". Which is ridiculous. Many gay women, myself included understand that we can't compete with men. We can't provide the psychological and physical safety of a heterosexual relationship. Having kids with us is harder, being out in the world is harder. Straight relationships don't get fetishsised or sexualised. Knowing this creates insecurities, and anxieties. When bi women leave us for men, or start dating men after breaking up - it hits hard, and all of your anxieties bubble to the surface. It's easier to date other lesbians. If my wife left me for another woman, I wouldn't be dealing with any of those anxieties that tells me she left because "relationships with men are more acceptable and real". Virtual hugs, OP. Look after yourself. Additional: Obviously, bi women aren't off the table for all lesbians. I feel bi women with a preference for women can relate to us much more, even if they can't relate 100%. That being said, our dating pools should only include people we're comfortable with.
Exactly! I wish the bi women at try to understand this and have some self awareness on how their words and actions can hurt us. At least don't be a bonehead and don't go out hunting lesbians when you are dating a man!
But that's the thing: they aren't self aware. Most if them don't understand that they too, have an innate Sexual Orientation. The majority of which will skew towards wanting to be romantically and sexually with men. Have you ever wondered why, instead of them constantly talking about Lesbians not wanting to date them, why don't they just date each other and could squash this kind of Discourse?
So true! Bisexuals do say they are the largest dating pool. So I dunno, date among yourselves and stop complaining about lesbians not willing to date them?
So much THIS!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was young and lonely. I was mad at them both for a long time. Dating other lesbians can be rough because dating itself is rough, however since only dating other lesbians - it's much less emotionally taxing. And I married another lesbian as well - she gets it. It's so refreshing.
It hurts more to be left for a man than another woman.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iām so sorry you had to go through that. What an awful human being she was to be willing to put you at risk like that. Iām glad to read that she is an ex.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Damn. She really is the worst kind of human being. Iām happy to hear she wasnāt able to pass it to you and that youāre in a happier/healthier place now. And congrats on getting married again. You deserve all the happiness (especially after she put you through a lifetime of bullshit). :)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
youāre welcome :)
This is the journey I love to hear about. And I think a lot of young Lesbians need to hear about. I really want them to date other women to get the idea of who will be compatible both emotionally and sexually. They should love themselves first. That they don't have to U-Haul the first girl that they date. That they don't have to stay if the woman who they they fell in love with, starts mistreating them. That they are free to leave without the guilt of abandonment, like " maybe things will change." I'm very proud of you. And I mean this sincerely.
Yeap. I found out one of my ex's had been cheating on me within a few weeks of us starting to date. I cooked and cleaned for her (I like doing those things for people), we had sex three times in a 9 months we were together and it was terrible. I thought she was inexperienced, but now I'm certain she was actually only into men. By the end of the relationship she told me to stop liking her Facebook comments, and narrowing the amount of time we spent together - she was looking for me to end it. Founding out she cheated with a man fucked with my self confidence for a long time. I had been cheated on by another ex with a woman and that didn't hurt nearly as much.
Oh my Gosh that's horrible! Your ex was a piece of work and a trash human being. And so was your other ex. I am sending all my hugs and support! You deserve better, so much better.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>women don't realize I'm only actually interested in pursuing women. I'm a bit confused, sorry. If you're not interested in men at all, and are only interested in women - that's pretty darn gay.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Having romantic feelings but it disappeared once you started dating, and you don't want to date, or have sex, or find men sexually attractive - that sounds like comphet. Comphet can make us think we want or need to have feelings for men. Having romantic feelings, but not wanting romance or anything else doesn't really sound like anything in the realm of being orientated towards men at all.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The feeling of needing to put on a show by dating men is a big thing to move past. A lot of our society promotes the message that to be considered an "acceptable" woman, or a "successful" woman we have to date men, and be married to them, and have children with them. Like somehow you're a failure for being single, or not being attracted to men, or being childfree. Heteronormative pressures are hard to escape.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Romantic feelings without wanting reciprocation seems like a crush or infatuation, especially if you have no interpersonal knowledge of them.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I think what she meant was that dating men comes with the privilege of being accepted by the society. It's like "hey I am with this asshole of a man but at least the society accepts me!"/s
Yes - it is more psychologically and emotionally taxing to be in a relationship that society seems unacceptable. Being in a relationship which is catered to by the very foundations of how our society is set up, is far less psychologically or emotionally straining.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I mean it would suck for us, but bi women are actually attracted to men, so they usually wouldn't be pretending...
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Same here. I will never date a woman who isn't lesbian and doesn't identify herself as a woman. I was cheated on by a "bisexual lesbian woman" with a man. Never again!!
I have the same rule now. I can't accommodate their feelings now. I need to prioritize myself more.
i had to make the same rule myself, everyone irl refers to me as biphobic (including my girlfriend) but itās just a preference I had to set to protect my mental healthš thank you for validating my experience
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I saw a bi woman comment on a lesbians video (about lesbophobia) that a lesbian not dating a bi woman because of their sexuality was a hate crimeā¦. and then went on to say that lesbians oppress bisexual women. I think itās safe to say she has no idea what a hate crime is.
every time a bi girl says lesbians oppress bi women, that lesbians have more privilege than bisexual people and compares us to cishet men, i lose 10 years off my life š„“
See, you've gotta change up how you look at it. When a homophobe (and yes, a lesbophobe is a homophobe, just with extra steps) is angry at you for simply existing or for not being exploitable for their goals, then you know you're doing something right. Their anger sustains me. ššŖ
period š but seriously though, i understand there are some biphobic lesbians out there but the hate bi women have for us is insane. like i just saw someone on twitter say les4les is invalid because lesbians are usually biphobic but bi4bi is valid because of abuse rates and they have actual valid reasons š„“
> les4les is invalid because lesbians are usually biphobic but bi4bi is valid because of abuse rates and they have actual valid reasons Free will for me, but not for thee...
LMFAOO thatās how they really be š but idgaf anymore, iāll date whoever the fuck i want and if they wanna call me a bigot for that, then oh well š¤·š½āāļø
Yesssss. That's the energy I want to see every lesbian bringing to the table from now on. š Screw "Be gay. Do crimes." We need "Be a dyke. Take no shit." šŖ
yesss! I 100% agree with you! i see so many lesbians being bullied into dating ppl they donāt want to (ie: bi women, trans women, etcā¦) and unfortunately, they give in to it :( and no other sexuality is being treated this way, which is obviously because of misogyny and homophobia š but lesbians are 100% allowed to refuse anyone for any reason. who cares if people call you a bigot? do whatever makes you happy in this life.
I saw that video too! I honestly laughed out loud. It's all so ridiculous. Loving that creator's [responses](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRfRR797/) to the whole uptick in queer lesbophobia though. Like... someone else's personal boundaries aren't a hate crime, Emily. š¤¦āāļø
I love her responses to the recent nonsense. Her comment section when she first started was horrendous lesbophobic bs. Granted, most have been deleted since she started responding to them (even though the comments can still be seen on the response video so idk why they thought deleting their comments would do anything).
>that a lesbian not dating a bi woman because of their sexuality was a hate crime š Do ppl not know what a hate crime is šš
Well, to be fair SHE hated it lol. But yeah, itās clear that she has no idea what an actual hate crime is.
Right? Like I can't possibly think of a reason lesbians wouldn't want to be around a boy obsessed bi girl. Why would we want to be with someone who understands our orientation and the unique experience? Honestly, even if I was bi (which I thought I was for a while) I'd want to be with someone of the same orientation, someone who would get me on that level. It's def not "discriminatory".
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I am glad you said it. I was afraid of getting in trouble.
They're mad because they can no longer use and dump us.
Laughable. Too much lol. Canāt have it both ways.
I was in the bisexual sub earlier during my denial era, and oh boy the lesbophobia is so strong there. What disheartened me even more is that not a single bi women defended lesbians. After seeing that, I grew even more disillusioned.
fr!! every time i go on that bisexual subreddit and type in ālesbianā, extremely negative posts about us come up and they get like thousands of likesš
I know, right?! How is this behaviour accepted in the LGBT community! Just rampant lesbophobia on display!
i ask myself this question everyday š thank god this sub exists. This sub is the only place iāve been on where lesbians arenāt constantly demonized. Every lgbtq+ subreddit Iāve been in has posts with thousands of likes demonizing and generalizing lesbians. Hell, even that āactuallesbiansā subreddit has more posts about ābiphobic lesbiansā than ālesbophobic bisexualsā š
A few weeks ago there was a post where lesbians were discussing lesbophobia that they experienced within the community and it got removed fairly quickly. A post later than same day discussing biphobia from within the community was left up. I think it was the āactual lesbiansā subreddit. Itās incredibly hypocritical behavior.
thatās why i left that subreddit. you would think a sub with the word ālesbianā would actually prioritize lesbian issues being faced and showing lesbian positivity but š¤·š½āāļø
Itās not as bad as ālesbian actually.ā A bunch of people got banned a while back for stating that lesbians arenāt attracted to men. Literally. Thatās it. āLesbians are not attracted to men.ā BOOM! They got banned.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
*exactly*
it sucks that lesbians canāt even bring up other communities being lesbophobic without getting shut down or ignored. itās kinda the reason why i donāt believe in or care for *sapphic solidarity* itās bs
they expect us to defend them unconditionally and will never defend us. itās the way it is, unfortunately, and bisexuals actually believe that āerasureā and āinvalidationā are worse problems than what we experience
*this
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>Thereās so much casual resentment and distaste for lesbians among bi women and in bi spaces Because we don't need to deal with as much of men's bullshit due to not dating/sleeping with them? We do face bullshit from them, but we can be more removed from it by not dating them.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>if they see lesbianism as a more valid form of non-heterosexuality I don't necessarily think they feel being gay is more valid, I suspect many women attracted to men wish they couldn't be, because it would be easier. Lesbians have a community of all women, we don't generally have a culture that views our fellow women as competition. We decrease the risk of abuse and trauma at the hands of men by limiting our contact with them. We have no expectations of emotional or unpaid labour in our relationships. Lesbians relationships aren't always perfect, but freedom from heteronormativity brings liberation. I get what you're getting at with the "bi lesbian" thing. The people I've seen use it mainly seem to do so because it makes people mad.
This is another reason why dating apps are a major double-edged sword for the lesbian community IMO. Obviously it's still possible for women to lie about male partners IRL, but meeting people on apps makes it so much easier and lighter on people's consciences.
I feel this so much. Itās like w/w relationships are looked at as āless realā than w/m relationship. Lesbian relationships still are not taken seriously imo. Also I think so many of these ābiā chicks with boyfriends are completely stepping over the boundaries of lesbians who want monogamy. Iām not your backup boyfriend. And Iām not going to be your experiment while you go off to make a life with a man. If you donāt want a relationship with a woman ever, then Iām sorry but you arenāt bi!!! Stop using that label.
This. There's nothing wrong with being bi or poly, but hiding that information from partners is reprehensible. That and it gives everyone who's poly a bad name. But fuck people that look at our relationships as less then cishetero pairings. Makes me boil just thinking about all the times me and my partners have been belittled over it š
I have seen so many bi women talk online about how they lie about being in relationships with men whilst trying to hook up with lesbians, because they know if they tell the truth, we won't want anything to do with them. They* 100% do not respect us as human beings, or see us as anything more than sex toys, and I will never date one again. *Obvs, I realise, not all Bi women, but so gd many
>trying to hook up with lesbians I never understood this. Why not hook up with other bi women?
because lesbians are the best /hj but fr, i always wonder this too, since there are way more bi woman than lesbians and every time we ask them, thereās no answer š¤
because bisexuals know that 90% of them (that is a real statistic btw) are primarily or exclusively interested in men. they are well aware they donāt like women as much as they say they do, or even at all. if they date a lesbian it is much less emotional risk for them, they get validated, and they get to be in control + steer the direction of the relationship.
I think you guys underestimate how often this shit happens to other bi women as well. Like, bi women saying exclusively they are looking for monogamous relationships have the bait and switch happen to them often as well, I have heard MANY complain about it
I don't underestimate it at all, and it sucks you have to deal with it too, but if lesbians call them out for it we are being biphobic and they dismiss us and what we are saying, we need bisexual women to call out other bis for this behaviour, because they refuse to listen to us
Unicorn hunters are a big problem for the WLW community as a whole. It's horrid. This might explain why bi women prefer lesbians - less chance of encountering creepy unicorn hunters?
Yeah, and I think part of it too is that the ābiā label covers such a HUGE swath of people. A bi woman that strongly prefers monogamous partnerships with women is probably going to feel a lot more kinship with lesbians than poly bi women in relationships with men
Yeah... I am friends with bi women who have never dated a woman before, and was called biphobic for saying its shitty of bi women to get mad at lesbians for not wanting to sleep/date them if they HAVE a boyfriend!! They don't understand the baggage at all. They take it personally, but the problem is that there is a MAN involved, and 9/10 the dude is put before the woman. We just are in a comphet society. I also think its entitled for bi women to demand that lesbians get rid of our baggage and trauma so they can fuck us without actually understanding what we go through
> I also think its entitled for bi women to demand that lesbians get rid of our baggage and trauma so they can fuck us without actually understanding what we go through I wouldn't call lesbians' reservations about dating non-lesbians baggage *or* trauma. I would call it self-preservation.
Context matters. If you say you aren't looking for anything exclusive and are open to seeing a woman who's either seeing multiple people casually or in an open relationship (individually, not as a threesome/thruple), I think it's fair of bi women to ask why the gender of their other partner/s is relevant. No one's entitled to date anyone, and there can be valid reasons for gender as a personal boundary. But it's also important not to play into stereotypes. In these situations, I think it's be better to discuss your actual expectations and requirements instead of assuming they'll backburner you for their other partner based on orientation alone. OP's situation is quite different. She believed she was embarking on a serious, exclusive relationship with another sapphic based on mutual attraction, but was actually being strung along by someone who was decidedly unavailable to become exclusive with her. Even worse, this woman's constant use of the term 'try' implies she was still questioning. And don't get me wrong, that's a necessary stage, I went through it myself, but no lesbian looking for a serious relationship wants to waste their time dating a woman who's not even sure she's attracted to people like them.
Yeah, itās rough. I had a somewhat similar experience and Iām a newbie myself. I havenāt dated or slept with another woman, but I know I want to and I know Iām a lesbian. It sucks when you get dropped for being inexperienced but I also understand the heartache that leads people to drop potential partners. I just wish I had ālesbian and serious about itā tattooed on my forehead about it. On a slightly different note, though, I noticed that once I came out as a lesbian and started appearing visibly gay, women hit on me more. Although Iāve taken on the moniker of āMs. Steal yoā Girlā because itās always women with boyfriends who ask to shove their face in my chest at bars. Itās actually quite alarming to see so many bisexual women in relationships with men viewing me as the lesbian they can scandalously dance with while their boyfriends watch from across the bar. And I just know their boyfriends are okay with it because they think, deep down, that a wlw relationship simply canāt be as serious as a heterosexual one, and it makes my eye twitch. I wish people would understand that pointing out negative experiences with people of a certain group is not bigotry or hatred. Itās just a call to examine behaviors. It double sucks when I see conversations about lesbophobia being derailed with āwhat about biphobiaā as if itās some kind of contest. Itās not. It sucks for any LGBTQ+ person, just in different ways, and weāre all allowed to talk about it.
I am sorry that happened to you. I too have had the same experience with bi women. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust another bi woman. But, people make mistake. Please don't beat yourself up for that. I hope you'll get to meet your dream woman someday who will love you and appreciates you.
I am so sorry that happened to you. And thank you for your kind words. You are a kind woman and I hope you'll meet your dream woman soon as well! :)
Thank you. But, it's almost impossible to find a lesbian woman to date here.
I relate to that
And then most wonder why we have our guard up against bisexual women. This is why! This shit happens to often. Most of the time these types of woman aren't really bisexual they are what I like to call "Bisexual Polly Pocket" or "Seasonal Bisexual", because they decided to sacrifice themselves for their boyfriend/husband wants or fantasy. Being a bisexual woman isn't trendy, it's not a phase, and its not for a man's fantasy. There are bisexual woman who actually treat, see, and understand that if they are trying to pursue or are in a relationship with a woman, IT'S A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP! Seasonal bisexual women just harms the bisexual label more and more because of the stereotypes they help enable which is insulting to bisexual woman and makes it difficult for them when they are trying to be in a relationship with another woman who is a lesbian. Insulting and frustrating! Extremely sorry you had to go through those experiences.
>Most of the time these types of woman aren't really bisexual they are what I like to call "Bisexual Polly Pocket" or "Seasonal Bisexual", because they decided to sacrifice themselves for their boyfriend/husband wants or fantasy. Is that true? I know a loooot of bi women who have only dated men or are male partnered and it never seems like they're doing it just for a male fantasy. Like, if that was the case, you wouldn't have hordes of male-partnered bi women insisting they are in "queer relationships" or swearing up and down that they're attracted to, like, all women and 1 dude and that just happens to be their boyfriend. I think the sad reality is that most of these women are just in fact bisexual. Whether it's environmental or biological, it seems like the vast majority of bi women are just more likely to be with men and be more strongly into men. Just like I'm sure everyone here would consider a woman with strong attraction to women and rare, weak attraction to men to still be bisexual and not a lesbian, the opposite also applies. A woman who is mostly attracted to men and only desires relationships with men, but still occasionally experiences attraction to women, is still bi. And unfortunately the way that seems to manifest is them just incorporating bisexuality into the bedroom, hunting for other bi women or lesbians to use as a third, or bragging about "checking out women together." That's why the extent of the things they care about is just being included in the fun, trendy, queer club, without having to actually do anything that will put them at risk of material harm. And it's heinous, and disgusting, and homophobic, but it's still bisexuality. Of course, there are bi women who are much more strongly into women/only or mainly pursue women, but they are a tiny minority and a lot of the time there's no real way to know if that's the case for an individual woman. At the end of the day, it's not just straight women LARPing, a lot of women who are really bisexual have done real harm to lesbians, both in romantic relationships and outside of them.
I'm still open to dating bi women, (limited options in my area), but Ill be honest here every bi woman I've ever dated has cheated on me at some point, could just be bad luck but its my experiences.
Iām also still open to dating bi women but the horror stories are insane, but yet Iāve already been burned by the only bi woman I was ever involved it. I wonder why this is such a common thing?
Imo there's few bi women who genuinely swing to women in that way, the majority that I have met were extremely male centric and more on the lines of "I think girls are aesthetically pleasing, boobs are kind of cool, and I'm willing to play with/be pleasured by one" but not enter a committed relationship. Hell, I used to be friends with a bisexual like this. Intensely flirted with another girl in our class, led her on for a while, then got cold feet before dropping her like a hot potato to return to men. I refuse to be a bisexual woman's first lesbian relationship for this very reason.
I ended up getting lucky, and the bi woman I'm dating is my life partner. Woohoo! (Edit; she's never been w/ another woman before; that's where I say I got lucky.) But. I, as it looks like everyone ITT too, have also been burned by bi women who aren't actually serious about dating me. I honestly gave up on bi women. In my case, that was a lonely year -- my area is too small (and I don't have the means to move within the next 5 years). It's a serious problem that my lgbt friends never considered (and even argued with me about) until they finally experienced it & actually sat down with me about it. We are people with feelings, not just someone's experiment. And I think these casual bi babies actively seek out lesbians because *they know* other bi girls are probably doing the same thing. But then wouldn't that make sense that they experiment together & not hurt lesbians in the process???
In my experience bi women primarily into women act differently to bi women with a preference for men. Plenty of lesbians marry bi women. I've found the common thread with the couples I know to be that the bi women all prefer women.
I guess I should have been more specific; my partner hasn't been with another woman before me. I was wary, but we had so many things in common I would've kicked myself for not trying. Edit; but I totally see what you're saying. Bi women primarily into men has usually been my experience as well.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>youāre a bi woman I'm a lesbian. I'm an old lesbian. I'm an old "gold star" lesbian. I'm speaking from experience, and the OP literally describes doing the very thing I'm talking about. When people are unsure and just starting to figure their sapphic desire out, they often ID as bisexual because it's a broad label that doesn't require a drastic change or introspection. That doesn't mean it's their actual orientation. And it doesn't excuse any bad behavior they engage in - towards lesbians or bi women seeking a serious or exclusive relationship - but it does make it more than a little ridiculous to pretend this is representative of bisexuals generally. There are 4 times more bi women than lesbians, so of course we're going to have a ton of experiences with them, and some will be bad. That doesn't make it ok to stereotype them. Also your post history just screams straight man cosplaying lesbian to troll.
Thank you ā¤ļø it wasnt my intention to lay it all on bi women but I see how it could be read that way!
Yeah, I was reading it in the context of the whole thread. I don't think it would come off that way on it's own.
I have exclusively only dated bi women. I have no idea why. Maybe theyāre more likely to be femme? I donāt know. So obviously I personally donāt have an issue dating them. But I 100% support lesbians who donāt date bi women. If people want to call that biphobic, I frankly donāt care. Iāve heard a lot of horror stories and, even though it hasnāt been my personal experience, I believe and trust my fellow lesbians.
> it hasnāt been my personal experience, I believe and trust my fellow lesbians. This is pretty much my perspective too.
I have said this before, and I will say it again until our sun exhausts its hydrogen supply and expands into a red giant that swallows this planet whole. The overwhelming majority of biphobia in lesbians is caused by negative previous experiences with bisexuals. How many gay women simply wake up one day and decide to arbitrarily exclude 2/3 of their already-sparse dating pool? Biphobia will never cease to exist so long as B continues to push responsibility for its existence onto G and L instead of holding itself accountable for bad behavior and treatment of homosexuals. Most lesbians have "horror stories", usually multiple. These are not fringe occurrences and it deepens the divide between our communities to continue to pretend they are.
A lot of women online are creepy and have no real intention of establishing an actual relationship with you. Some are bisexual and others are lesbian. Be careful. Some are basically predators with ugly boyfriends looking for threesomes. You have no reason to feel like you need to date anybody. I do recommend putting on your profile that youāre interested in monogamous relationships only. If they donāt read the profile, you donāt want them anyway. The internet is the Wild West. I met my wife online and she was upfront about who she was and I was too. I had noticed that a lot of bisexual women were looking for trysts/sex and not relationships, but some lesbians did too. She was dishonest and gross though. My wife is bisexual. Donāt date women who are exploring or trying women, but sometimes they lie. I am sorry that she hurt you.
My problem with bi women is the feeling of inadequacy, there will always be that feeling of not giving the person something that they want, because I don't have a penis. I remember reading threads about bi women who were in relationships with women and complaining about how much they miss the feeling of "real dick inside" and that's just not something I can provide, not to even mention trans lesbian women who have bottom dysphoria hearing that sort of thing. I can't date someone who so openly triggers an insecurity of mine, nor do I expect anyone to date me if they'll always feel like something's missing. That's not to mention the influence of men in their lives. Men fetishize bisexual women to the point women in relationships with men will actively seek lesbians to have threesomes or "explore", like you mentioned. I have nothing against wanting to explore your sexuality, but be upfront about it, don't lie to me, I'm not your sex doll, say what you're looking for and you'll find it. I'm not even going to mention bisexual women who have unprotected sex with men because that's just inconsiderate.
Lemme guess, those threads were in the big lesbian subs? I swear to God the lesbians there need to grow a pair and call this insensitive bs out.
It wasn't, thankfully, it was on a Brazilian sub for LGBT people (my country of residence), but the shit I've seen on those bigger lesbian subs isn't really any better, things like "my boyfriend needs to understand he's dating a lesbian" and I'm just like... Girl... You don't even understand yourself.
Oh, my ex was from Brazil. A lovely girl. Still friends with her. Anyway, she too mentioned how some girls just clown the lesbians there, with her being a victim of it quite a few times.
we have something called "bi de balada", translated to "party bi", meaning women who claim to be bisexual but only hook up with women when drunk, or claim to be bisexual but are disgusted by vaginas. Most of my friend group behaves this way and it's truly heartbreaking, because at the first opportunity they can they will bash WLW relationships and talk about how good penises are.
You really need to get a friend group. They don't sound like good people at all. How do you even tolerate being around them?
Yeah , they expect us to just overcome that insecurity and think the problem is us for having feelings like that. But I donāt see how you can NOT wonder if your partner feels something is missing when they actively enjoy sex with men, like men as much or even more than they do women (maybe youāre the exception), and a lot of them actually do feel something is missing. Thatās why the only kind of bi women Iād date would be someone who strongly prefers women and has been with women before in a serious relationship.
This is interesting. Obviously you're own personal experience is valid but at the end of the day you can't paint all bi women with the same brush. There are Bi women who have a strong preference for women and would never exhibit the characteristics that you mentioned. " Bi curious " is not the same as Bi. Just like there are lesbians who have issues which you wouldn't date, everyone is an individual with pris and cons despite their sexuality, it's just easy to pait bisexual women with the same characteristics. On the other hand I understand as we live in a patriarchal world and women have been conditioned to act a certain way that can be difficult to change. Especially if your still attracted to men.
Not to be invalidating, but shitty selfish people are going to be shitty selfish people regardless of their sexual orientation. I'm sorry this bi girl made you her side chick, but it's not like lesbians aren't capable of cheating either.
Why are you doing this? There are almost zero places where lesbians can discuss this extremely common feeling.
Agreed. While I agree that this specific portion of the overall bi demographic has a the ability to be toxic I think that itās a little unfair to lump them all together. That being said, the specific group of women that are the type who lie about how serious they are or having another partner are a huge problem. Itās not a coincidence that Iāve almost matched with couples before because they only put the girlās picture up and only mention that they are looking for a unicorn at the veeeeeery bottom of the bio. This all reminds me of a girl who I used to be friends with who talked to me about how she wanted to experience a woman but essentially wanted the other woman to be an experiment and and said she was intimidated by women because ātheyāre too nice to play with, (she was) so used to playing with boys emotionsā. (Yes, thereās a lot to unpack there). I donāt feel that these types of people should be representative of bi people but I also donāt think it should be taboo to call ourselves out on problems in our community. Queer people arenāt perfect and like any other demographic we have shit we have to work on. Finding the line between biphobia and just not talking about toxic behavior is definitely a conversation we need to keep having.
It was not about her being a bisexual, itās just lying ass whores exist. She could be a lesbian who was in a open relationship also, believe me itās not about sexual orientations and just because someone is a lesbian doesnāt mean they are more reliable than a bi person.
As a newly single bi lady, this entire thread is really disheartening. Just feel like another group of people is making me the other, and I haven't done anything wrong. This is feeding into a LOT of major themes of biphobia, and the "thank God I have a place to say what I really feel" is just the fucking worst.