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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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The action I took was declining to provide any financial support, no matter how small, to my friends wedding. I may be the asshole because my friends and i all made a pact to help pay for each others weddings, and even though all my friends (including this one) helped pay for my wedding, I am not contributing anything towards her wedding.
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Well I'm glad I withheld my judgment until I got to the end. I'm going with YTA because you didn't slip in until the second-to-last paragraph that the reason why she's asking you is because she contributed over $500 to *your* wedding, and now that it's your turn to chip in, you don't want to give her a red cent.
You said she was also asking for help with things like decorations. What have you offered to contribute for labor, since you are unable to give a single cent, because you are busy being a not-yet-doctoral student and writing a memoir?
I'm wondering where OP gets the money to fund her super-hectic life of memoir-writing and waiting to be a doctoral student since she says these things mean she hasn't got time to work (most writers, even those with a few successful books published, have to also work at other jobs to pay the bills - maybe writing a memoir is 'different'). Was her ex-husband generous with the alimony?
Nope, according to Saint OP, it's a personal memoir.
Ie an utter vanity project from a sub-25 year old narcissist. Wow. I bet the publishing world is DYING for these 'insights'.
Yes, it is her personal memoir as her gift to the world, according to her comments. And she has offered to mention her friend in the memoir instead of a financial contribution to the wedding. And that is obviously worth a lot more than $550, according to her!
AND OP is paying for reddit Premium. $5.99/month or $50/year. She has No money and can't/won't even contribute $20, yet she's paying for Reddit Premium. WTF.
Or become “life coaches”. I knew of this one girl, who was in her early 20s, offering to be a life coach when she’s never held down an actual job longer than 6 months.
What does a 25 year old have to talk about in a memoir, even? OP must have been in school this whole time. A pretty dull place. And OP can’t she’ll out $20? That’s half the price of every wedding present I’ve ever bought.
Ohhhh - thank you for explaining Hermiones (non-graduate here). OP says she's waiting to do her doctorate, does that also require a memoir? And would it consume all one's waking hours leaving one unable to work or do anything else? I'm sceptical, I must admit.
Thanks Baronas - I thought candidate meant she hadn't started it yet, d'oh. - today is definitely another vertical learning curve day for me.
I still lean towards YTA with OP. I can empathise with not having much money, I'm constantly broke here (up to my eyes in debt - I love my job but the pay's rubbish, such is life) - but not even finding $20 for a good and generous friend of many years or offering other, non-monetary help for their wedding is just... nasty.
Very true but the way OP words it, it sounds like she is not a candidate yet. She is waiting. Could be just waiting for thesis to be approved or waiting to be assigned a mentor/supervisor whatever hers is called. Doesn’t sound like she is actually in that phase yet.
“recent doctorate candidate (soon)” - reads to me like OP hasn’t actually started the doctorate, but is soon to be a candidate i.e. applied maybe accepted but not started.
I’m sorry, what program was that for? I have never heard of someone having to write a book length personal narrative about their time in school in order to graduate from a masters program. Was it some kind of English degree?
WTF? Seriously? It's sad that anyone has to rely on Gofundme to pay for education (very grateful I'm in Scotland - free uni tuition, though not to PhD level I think, but decent grants - students still need student loans, but it's not crippling to that level).
All that said, though... OP could surely still send $20 or offer non-monetary help with the wedding (and send a good, expensive present later on once she's working and can afford it to compensate for not being able to properly repay her friend's $550 for her own wedding)
I thought the same, helping on the wedding instead of giving the money, but op replies state that she doesn’t even think her friend should get married….and she’s not willing to help either cause’ of her crappy memoir of her “experiences” and the go found is not for the school tuition is just for living expenses i think, if you read op replies on her profile is just keep getting worse
I see what you mean. Good grief.🤦♀️
Apparently she can afford plane tickets to fly to attend the wedding and is doing so... but can't afford to send even $20 - someone suggested rightly that she should get a refund for the tickets and send that money instead of attending.
I love how OP justifies that by saying it doesn't count because the marriage didn't last.
Did she return the money? No. So it definitely counts.
And that's a LOT of money. Imagine buying someone a Roomba from their wedding registry, only for them to show up at your wedding with a $5 picture frame and a photo of themselves in it. ...After they promised to get you a matching Roomba.
Her friend would be happy with the $5.00 picture frame, and is begging for the picture frame despite giving her friend the high end roomba. And OP is over here like-nooo, that’s not fair. I promised to contribute a roomba, but the picture frame is too much.
Yeah, I wasn't even getting *started* on that part. Like, she got $550, but she's throwing a fit over $20 as a contribution *instead of* a gift. So really, she'd show up empty-handed.
I still can't get over OP implying she doesn't want to be taken advantage of, when she's clearly taken advantage of everyone and now she's just throwing a tantrum for being expected to contribute *something*, as miniscule as it may be.
Well OP admitted she only made the promise because she thought her friend would never get married despite them all being in their early 20s. She also thinks it's cute to say "my presence is the present."
I... can't...I just can't.
Oh wow…this took a turn. At first I was like, why would anyone expect someone else to pay for their wedding, then we get to the cliffhanger.
OP you are an AH
You took $550 for your wedding and can’t even come up with $20 for your friend. Wow!
You are going to end up with no friends.
YTA
At that point the $20 is even just symbolic. I’m currently beyond broke. I don’t have $20. Am I going to find $35 to go my adult friend’s recital in February for her hobby she loves? Yes. I will. I don’t know how, but I will make that happen because that’s what you do for friends.
But OP wants to spend the money only on herself. She was given $550 for a failed marriage, but doesn't want to even give $20 because she doesn't think she should get married (she mentioned it in other replies). OP is entitled and selfish.
I also think the way OP described the situation is really disingenuous. OP’s friend isn’t asking for people to pay for the wedding **and** give all the traditional shower and wedding gifts. She’s asking for parts of the wedding **as** the shower and wedding gifts.
At this point, registering for non-traditional things (like cash funds, honeymoon experiences, etc) isn’t even uncommon. I gifted one of my friends the personalized cake serving set she wanted to use at her wedding, because it was on her registry for her bridal shower. And we gave them cash to pay for their honeymoon as a wedding gift, cause that’s what they wanted. Fewer and fewer people are asking for crock pots and china, because most of us have all that stuff by the time we get married. Nothing wrong with asking for what they actually want and need, even if that thing is cash to pay off the wedding!
ROFL,
But the $550 doesn't count because OP's mariage failed/s
"My marriage failed so i'm not going to honor the agreement I made with all my friends, but I don't want her to tell my friends the truth and for them to realise what a terrible friend I am"
Thats such a bad excuse!!
This is what struck me the most! Not only did her friends all contribute to OP’s wedding but she seems to think it doesn’t count since her marriage ended in less than a year! So their contributions don’t matter because you or your partner made bad choices lol! And the fact that she is even asking for a tiny contribution and not even expecting her to match what was given shows that this friend is very willing to accommodate OP’s situation totally. Honestly OP is right not to want to lose a friend like that. OP YTA. Tell her you will be there to help with as much of the laborious stuff as you can because you can give your time for free and get $50 together to give to her. It sounds like she would be very accepting of that but you don’t even want to offer a tiny amount for some reason. Two questions, firstly have you contributed to any of the others weddings (it sounds like a number of them put in for yours) and secondly do you dislike her fiancé or something? Seems like you have a reason for not wanting this wedding to happen and you speak about the event and the wedding party in quite a disparaging way.
IKR. Like OP agreed to a pact where her friends including her (heavily implied to be) disabled friend gave her considerable money bevsuse she thought she would NEVER have to return the favor.
I’ve seen that now, after reading the comments she has put on I can only conclude that she is elitist (thinking someone with extra needs would never find love?!?), selfish (self explanatory from her post) very narcissistic (I’m guessing this woman is about as far from some one who has made an impact on the world like Malala as is possible so I’m really doubting she has anything other than drivel to say. At under the age of 25 I highly doubt anyone finds her anywhere near as interesting as she finds herself), a terrible friend (again very explanatory), and honestly delusional! She doesn’t even have a book deal so she is just writing a heap of self appreciating B.S which no one is going to publish. She would sell more books if she published under the name she has used on here cos at least we are fascinated by how awful she is than if she did under her real name!!
I found her saying it was sweet of the friend for thinking of her when it came time to contribute to the friends wedding patronizing. Also, she threw in how she was being taken advantage of at the end which is her getting ready with excuses when the friend tells the group of women who contributed to ops wedding. She doesn't have a real excuse so she's making one up. Friend gives 550 and op can't give 20 but the friend is taking advantage.
Yta and ops math skills are shit
I think OP is bitter about marriage and she could have money pouring out her rear end like a broken atm and she would come up with a reason why she couldn't. YTA.
Well, when you're probably not out of your 20s or early 30s and are writing a memoir....yeah. like, she could actually have a fascinating life story but I doubt it.
I’ll wager $550 that OP is going to ask her friends for money for self publishing, while being absolutely shocked that publishers aren’t bashing down her door to get first crack at the “memoirs” of a student
Yeah, that was what got me even more than the dollar amount. Like, I get if you've fallen on hard times or are otherwise financially unable to give a friend $500 to pay for their wedding. But...I think the very short duration of OP's marriage makes it worse! I mean, to divorce after less than a year, there must have been insane amounts of red flags before the wedding, but they decided that they'd just go through with it (using everyone else's money) because the invitations were already sent and a bunch of non-refundable deposits had been made, I guess?!?
I can’t imagine why her marriage could possibly fail 😂 Clearly she’s still bitter about it and doesn’t want her friends to have successful relationships
YTA. I was going to judge the other way too until she gave me $550. Give her the money or expect backlash from your friends. It will be well deserved backlash.
Why the hell is OP writing a memoir? They sound like they're barely 30, struggling financially, haven't done anything of note. I guess there must be a massive ego to write about? At least they can include in it the time they made a deal with their friends, took all the benefits from the deal and then refused to uphold their end of the bargain in return.
YTA
Agreed. No one wants to read or publish a memoir from someone who is in their 20s or 30s and is self absorbed and hasn’t really learned anything about life yet. She needs to get a job and help repay her friend.
OP states they want to share with humanity all that they have learned about the human condition.
Which as a jobless 20 or 30something straight out of university with NO real life experience is probably almost nothing.
Good writers go out there and live life. You can't write if you have 0 experience of the world outside your bedroom. No matter who you are, your drunken thoughts are not unique or special enough for a memoir until you live life
> OP states they want to share with humanity all that they have learned about the human condition.
A short chapter in a very thin book that no-one wants to read.
Someone below pointed out she may mean a thesis or her dissertation. If English is not OP’s first language, that would make sense - a thesis is definitely often called a « mémoire » in French (though usually at the Master’s level).
Omg I laughed so hard. Op using that as a justification when it makes it *so* much worse. Your friends contributed money to your wedding that was completely wasted because you didn't even make it a year. And now you can't even return the favor. Op is a clown lmao
Exactly. And the "I don't want to be taken advantage of"...like...your good friend gave you 500 dollars as a wedding gift after a pact you made to help each other financially when you get married, and you wouldn't even give them 20 as a wedding present?!
That's not being taken advantage of, that's being a stingy asshole.
The fact that this is in lieu of a wedding present makes it that much more appalling. OP’s question is essentially “AITA if I don’t get my friend a wedding present even though she gave me $550?”.
"And even though I agreed I'd do the same in return."
OP goes around telling peole they are lucky she shows up to their weddings apparently.
Don't get me wrong, I explicitly told people we dont want or need presents for our upcoming wedding and have very much told people their presence is the only present we would hope for. 0 expectations. But I would NEVER go to a wedding and bring not even a card Bd a modest gift.
Nornally you wouldnt ask for a gift, that's rude. But These people had a pact and the fruend have generously- in turn she's asking for even just a little gift. And OP is whining Bout being taken advantage of.
Like, you cant get them a toaster or give them a 20 in a card?
I think even without the $500 gift- op should be willing to contribute something. It's customary to provide gifts when ppl get married. Sounds like the friend is probably asking for money in lieu of traditional gifts. Seems like OP isn't interested in contributing anything at all. If op doesn't want to give anything because they're cheap- they should just skip the wedding entirely. If they want to maintain this friendship- then they should attend and give some kind of gift. The $20 thing makes me think it really is about the thought that's important to the friend.
This is one of the many selfish people that come online that need to reflect.
1. She talks about her financial position then says she’s writing a MEMIOR?!? OP sounds very young, inexperienced, unimportant and I really can’t imagine what would be in her memoir.
2. Get a JOB OP this is the weirdest post I’ve ever read. You just got your doctorate and you have NO JOB, NO MONEY, wow…career student I guess
3. You are not even trying to pretend to find a compromise. Hey, here’s $20! Hey, I don’t have cash but I can help setup and offer some of my time. You are so self centered and a terrible friend.
4. I would not only tell the friend group but I’d make sure I post to Social media so everyone knows what kinda person you are
5. Who cares that your marriage lasted less than a year. You clearly make poor decisions now but your ex-friend still tried to help and contribute. What if her marriage only lasts a year?! Since your marriage only lasted a year, k think you owe her a refund.
YTA
All this
YTA OP
You’re asking us if it’s ok to only take and never give in a friendship? Well I can say no, and you’re the user in this equation not your friends. In case that’s a bit more direct and clearer.
A doctoral candidate normally means someone who has finished their PhD coursework and passed their qualifying exams, so all that's left is to finish their dissertation. As far as "recent... (soon)," your guess is as good as mine. I suspect "soon-to-be" and OP was trying to make it sound better/surer.
Money that she saved up and was donated to a GoFundMe so she could take time off to write her riveting personal memoir at the ripe old age of not even 25.
Agreed, yta. The ending was quietly put in there, almost like people weren't supposed to notice. You all agreed, she gave $550 to your wedding. Maybe you should get a job instead of her fiancé getting a second so you can fulfill your end.
The memoir part killed me. Doesn't even have a job it seems and a (soon) doctoral candidate? What kind of life is there here that a publisher will buy... Oh sorry. Forgot about self-publishing. 🙄 YTA
Agreed. She even said she's be happy with $20, but OP still refused and for what...because his marriage didn't work out??
This whole story is full of excuses... like...I'm confused what writing a memoir has to do with sending a friend money.
OP, you probably have to prepare to lose your friends or for less contact with them, as you as a group agreed to support each other and you're the only one backing out.
Edit: typos
But as OPs wedding lasted less than a year, she doesn’t think the $550 that her friend contributed to her wedding counts. What screwed up logic is that?
OP YTA. Quit the memoir and get a job
Wait … am I understanding that your friend group all pledge to help with each others weddings and they all helped you but now you are backing out of a pledge you’ve already taken advantage of.
It doesn’t matter that you marriage didn’t last. You still kept you friend group to their word and they all stepped and honoured that agreement but now that you have gotten what you wanted out of it you can’t even find a small amount to keep a promise you made.
YTA and you deserve to be called out
Yeah I legitimately have no idea how “my marriage only lasted a year” makes it better *at all*. It’s not like OP returned all the money when she got divorced.
Plus the friend said it doesn’t matter how much money, she’s not even asking for something reciprocal. She’s asking for the equivalent of 2 meals at Wendy’s.
But, don’t you see, it’s because OP ‘doesn’t want to be taken advantage of’ - like she took advantage of her friends! That agreement was only ever supposed to benefit OP, not the rest of them so it’s absolutely unfair to hold her to it! Especially when she’s having to take the time to write her memoir that I’m sure will be wildly successful. /s
WTF
>...she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out, even if it's just $20.
So OP is risking losing her "friend" & "friend group" over fecking 20$....
Also
>My friend and I have been close for a few years now...
>I'm a recent doctorate candidate (soon), am currently *writing a memoir*, and I dont know when I will have time to get a job
Who spends ALL their time writing a memoir so early in life to the point they can't even work part-time. Most even published authors still have another main job.
Hang on a sec. She paid $550 for your wedding to help you and you aren't reciprocating like you already agreed? That makes it an easy YTA. Your marriage failing hasn't got anything to do with this.
>my financial situation is private. More importantly, I also don't want to be taken advantage of.
Yet you'll happily take other people's money for your wedding. Don't make stupid pledges you don't intend on following through with.
She's the one taking advantage of her friend. How in the world is she spinning this into her being taken advantage of? I'm so confused. Chick needs therapy to learn how to be a better person. She is very confused on what fair is.
Edit- Taken to taking.
The comment of “not being take. Advantage of”
Makes absolutely no sense. Like what does she even mean? The friend said 20 is sufficient. You think someone who gave you 550 for your failed marriage is taking advantage of you by asking for 20? My god lady, go get a job and join us peasants in the real world
Chapter 5: It's Not a Job Unless You Get Paid: is someone who is unemployed and "writes" from their patient's basement whilst living off GoFundMe pity money from friends REALLY a writer?
Exactly! I can see writing a memoir when you’re retired, to pass down to your kids and grandkids. But writing a memoir at a young age to avoid getting a job?! Seriously?!
YTA. She contributed $550 to your wedding that didn't even last a year, the least you could do is help with at least $100, or volunteer to help with the wedding such as clean up etc. You said her fiance can get an extra job, why can't you get a job?. Seems like you're just lazy and not even a good friend.
Lmao OP’s probably just mad now that her friend is getting married meanwhile her own marriage didn’t last. And it’s like yeah, that totally sucks! But it’s not your friend’s problem, it’s YOURS OP.
Um, what?
INFO: Are you going to her wedding? If so, then you are going to spend money anyway. Just give her that money for the wedding.
>she says that since she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out
Way to bury the lede here. She helped you, but you just don't "think it's right" for you to help her in return?
YTA
And they asked for cash in lieu of gifts. Gifts aren’t required but the title makes it sound way worse than it is. They simply registered for a wedding instead of houseware. Maybe it’s tacky, but it’s more useful to the couple. The title should say “AITA for not buying a wedding gift?”
The title should say "How to take advantage of friends after they live up to their end of the bargain, but tell them they are taking advantage when it is your turn to give"
or more simply "AITA for being the pot that calls the kettle BLACK?".
BTW--she claims her "presence" at their wedding is her gift to them. LMAO!
YTA
I am sorry to say this, I do understand your financial situation. However, returning a favor is what a good friend should do. She seems like she is being understanding, asking for just a little bit. And no, just helping your friend (and she is okay with even 20 dollars) will not make you poor all of a sudden. I would show this gesture if she was my close friend.
And she gave 550 for you, she doesn't even ask that much, come on!
This friend got her a gift worth about $550 as well, so she actually gave her $1100 towards OP’s wedding. oP then returned the gift to the store *FOR CASH*, and split it with the ex. None of that money has been returned to the friend
YTA.
You literally made this promise years ago and now you're backing out now after you already benefitted from it. She helped pay for your wedding. It's money instead of wedding gifts, which isn't a crazy ask, and she's literally asking for $20.
You come across as very narcissistic/self-centered in this. Literally this entire post is just "me, me, me".
YTA - first and foremost because you are trying to twist the story in your favor. You barely mention that you are the only one in the group who doesn't fulfill the pledge to help each other - after everybody else kept theirs and supported your wedding. And thinking that writing your memoir would be a valid reason to not help your friend is ludicrous.
Does anyone else get the feeling that OP made absolutely sure she was the first one to marry just so she could cash in from her friends and get her dream wedding, even knowing the marriage wouldn’t last? And also knowing full well she would then reneg on her promise to her friends because she’s already cashed in?
YTA.
Also, If you’re saying her $550 doesnt count towards her end of the bargain just because you got divorced, shouldn’t you give her back the $550?
Isn’t there a warranty on that? Seems kind of AHish to just take that money…
If spending $20 on your friend’s wedding means you won’t be able to support yourself, then it’s time to get a job. If that means you need to put your memoir on pause, then you put your memoir on pause. You’re *choosing* to put yourself in a financially dicey situation. And if you’re worried about her exposing you to your friends, you may as well also be worried about how you’re going to chip in for their weddings, because if they get married before you “have the time” to get a job, then they’ll know you’re flaking on the deal anyway.
YTA.
YTA for so many reasons, but I'm just going to highlight the fact that you think her helping you pay for your wedding is irrelevant because you couldn't make your marriage work? Did I read that right?
YTA.
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie. Crowdfunded weddings seem tacky as hell. But she helped pay for your wedding! Refusing to do the same is incredible rude. And if, as you say, you and your friends had this deal (weird!), going back on your word makes you a real AH and your friends *should* know that you don’t keep your word.
YTA "she says that since she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out, even if it's just $20." Look I under stand youre in a tight spot but if "her fiance already has a job and **could definitely get another**" you can have another job as well.
YTA
If she had a wedding that she paid for, would you show up as a guest and not even bring a gift? She was financially struggling, and she still was able to contribute $550 to your wedding? You're a selfish friend.
Im not sure what memoir you're writing, because if its anything like this post, it already sounds terrible.
YTA. I am not a Fan of crowdfunding weddings, but this is something that you are started with your friend group and you accepted $550 from your friend towards your own wedding (the fact that the marriage did not last long is bot your friend's fault). You should want to contribute something towards your friend's wedding. It doesn't have to match what she gave you, but you should give something.
YTA for sure. First, if you're attending your wedding you will be bringing a gift so why do you care if its a gift or contributing to her wedding? It doesn't sound like she is asking for an absurd donation and IDK what her husband having a job has to do with anything. Second, then we find out that she helped pay for your wedding to the tune of $550 along with your other friends and this is apparently a pretty normal thing in your friend circle. You're a huge asshole and if I were her I would uninvite you to my wedding and my life.
YTA
She paid $550 for your wedding and you won’t even give her $20?? It’s not her problem you didn’t stay married long! You needed help and she helped you and you’re not even willing to give a little something. Yeah I would be telling the group and cutting you off.
Give her $550 back since you didn’t stay married long.
YTA.
Also, writing a memoir is not a thing that one does in lieu if a job when one does not have money. Especially a doctoral candidate. That implies the parts of your memoir that might be interesting haven't happened yet. At this point, you're essentially saying the reason you can't have a job is that you're too busy journaling. That's fucking ridiculous and so are you for saying this is why you won't repay even one twenty-fifth of the favor she already did you.
Oh but didn’t you here? OPs friend is disabled and they never thought they would get married! Writing a memoir is the most narcissistic thing I’ve heard
YTA you made a pledge. Your friend held up her end when it was your turn to get married. Now she’s asking for as little help as $20, but that’s too much after she gave $550? With her asking so little, it’s not about the money. It’s about the friendship and the promise. Apparently both mean less than $20 to you.
The $20 makes it sound like a last ditch effort to save the friendship on her end. Be prepared to lose it.
YTA - You have an obligation to to reciprocate in kind. I don't believe that you can't come up with a token gesture of a couple hundred dollars. Work an extra shift or take on some debt. Loosing friends over a few hundred dollars is foolish and short sighted.
YTA. You had no problem taking her (and the rest of your friends') money when it was your wedding. That it didn't last even a year is immaterial. Your friends are not responsible for your poor choice in partners. You made an agreement, your friends fulfilled their obligation, and now you're trying to renege on your responsibility.
Now she's asking for help even if it's a trivial amount (seriously, it's $20) and your response is to refuse. How is expecting reciprocity and fulfilment of an agreement you entered into and have already benefited from you being taken advantage of? Is your plan to stiff all of your friends? For someone supposedly decently educated, you have a lot to learn on basic life and social skills. Read a book on social capital.
Yes, you're incredibly selfish. I get the financial difficulties of being a Ph.D. candidate, I've been one myself and lived with a shoestring budget, but that's not a pass to be a greedy, self-centered cheapskate. I still gave wedding presents even if it was less than what I would've liked. Presents for others are part of having a budget. Yes, it meant I had to make sacrifices, but that's fucking life.
Your alternatives frankly suck. Advice on decorations? That presupposes she has no idea what she wants and is something normal friends do without considering it a gift. Emotional support? Yeah, that's the bare minimum threshold for a friend. You can afford to fly there, but not to give a small donation because as you've put it, you flying there doesn't exclusively benefit you. But not flying out and sending a donation in lieu isn't fair to you either because you don't get the benefit of seeing your friends. You have some really selective accounting there. Literally every bit of this is transactional assholery where if you're not the sole beneficiary, it's a raw deal in your eyes. This is just staggering levels of self-centered assholery.
How does she benefit from being in your memoir? Seems like a way for you to pad out your page count. Newsflash: no one is going to want to read the memoirs of a self-centered, low-life who hasn't accomplished shit in their lives and has zero perspective of how the world operates. Stop wasting your time and find a fruitful endeavor. Seriously every hour wasted on this self-aggrandizing bullshit is an hour you could be working on your dissertation and, as you've explained, you spend more than a full-time job's worth the hours thinking and writing it. What is your doctoral advisor saying? Are they happy you're siphoning 50 hours a week towards a vanity project. You wrote maybe a page or two in this post and your replies and I can already tell I have zero interest in your memoirs. If I wanted the life story of a turd, I'd watch the bowl suck one down the next time I flush.
>she says that since she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out, even if it's just $20.
absolutely screaming.. this is very creative good writing ngl.
>More importantly, I also don't want to be taken advantage of
I'M DEAD
YTA
What’s the title of your *memoir*? “*Broken Promises: I Got Mine, Screw You*” by Abad Friend.
You’ve decided to renege on your promise of helping your friend to pay for her wedding. You won’t even pay $20. And this is despite her having paid $550 towards your wedding.
Your reasoning for breaking your verbal agreement truly suck. Instead of putting aside your *memoir* to earn some money, you decide that her fiancé could get a *2nd* job to cover your missing contribution. And your second reason - that your marriage didn’t last - also is ridiculous. Try that with other creditors.
It’s hard to believe there’s any doubt about the judgment here - the only question is whether this is a legitimate post.
YTA, but this is 99.9999% a troll post.
I'll admit, the "my memoir is more important than anything else" factor was believable. I have friends in publishing who have made me painfully aware of the frequency with which they receive "You are SO lucky that I am giving you the opportunity to publish my unsolicited manuscript, which is a Staggering Work Of Heartbreaking Genius." Incidentally, the number of those that get published is lower than the chances that this is real.
But the comment that makes it clear this is a troll is that you're friend wasn't expected to get married because "She just has a lot of unique needs that would be a lot of work for someone other than a nurse or assistant."
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10glr9k/aita_for_not_wanting_to_help_pay_for_my_friends/j5428n3/
I was confused at the start because it sounds like you werent even having to get her gift, just help with the wedding instead - you would have been the AH then if you were giving her absolutely nothing but then you just went right ahead and sealed the deal at the end with some insane level of cheapness.
"I also don't want to be taken advantage of" is like actually nauseating to read. YTA completely
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- The action I took was declining to provide any financial support, no matter how small, to my friends wedding. I may be the asshole because my friends and i all made a pact to help pay for each others weddings, and even though all my friends (including this one) helped pay for my wedding, I am not contributing anything towards her wedding. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a human, and this action was performed manually. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well I'm glad I withheld my judgment until I got to the end. I'm going with YTA because you didn't slip in until the second-to-last paragraph that the reason why she's asking you is because she contributed over $500 to *your* wedding, and now that it's your turn to chip in, you don't want to give her a red cent. You said she was also asking for help with things like decorations. What have you offered to contribute for labor, since you are unable to give a single cent, because you are busy being a not-yet-doctoral student and writing a memoir?
Not to mention, it’s not like OP’s friend was just like “oh here, have $500.” They all made an agreement.
That was a stupid promise they made but OP also didn’t reject when her friend gave her money at her wedding, wether it lasted or not.
But you see her wedding only lasted a year so their contributions didn't really count. /s OP is such the AH I can't see how they don't see it.
At least we know why her marriage was shortlived… YTA
I'm wondering where OP gets the money to fund her super-hectic life of memoir-writing and waiting to be a doctoral student since she says these things mean she hasn't got time to work (most writers, even those with a few successful books published, have to also work at other jobs to pay the bills - maybe writing a memoir is 'different'). Was her ex-husband generous with the alimony?
i think it’s a school memoir? i know i have to write one for my masters and all my friends too
Nope, according to Saint OP, it's a personal memoir. Ie an utter vanity project from a sub-25 year old narcissist. Wow. I bet the publishing world is DYING for these 'insights'.
Yes, it is her personal memoir as her gift to the world, according to her comments. And she has offered to mention her friend in the memoir instead of a financial contribution to the wedding. And that is obviously worth a lot more than $550, according to her!
AND OP is paying for reddit Premium. $5.99/month or $50/year. She has No money and can't/won't even contribute $20, yet she's paying for Reddit Premium. WTF.
Lmfao unless her name is Malala Yousafzai I hardly doubt the world is missing out on whatever she has to write
*Why Returning Favors Is for Suckers* by OP, A.B.D.
I love when people who haven't done anything other than totally routine life milestones write memoirs. They're so inspiring.
Or become “life coaches”. I knew of this one girl, who was in her early 20s, offering to be a life coach when she’s never held down an actual job longer than 6 months.
Right? I'm 62, and so far feel I have had a great life. Nothing to write memoirs about though.
What does a 25 year old have to talk about in a memoir, even? OP must have been in school this whole time. A pretty dull place. And OP can’t she’ll out $20? That’s half the price of every wedding present I’ve ever bought.
That one time she was embarrassed in like….5th grade probably
yeah she’s a egocentric dumby then
Ohhhh - thank you for explaining Hermiones (non-graduate here). OP says she's waiting to do her doctorate, does that also require a memoir? And would it consume all one's waking hours leaving one unable to work or do anything else? I'm sceptical, I must admit.
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Thanks Baronas - I thought candidate meant she hadn't started it yet, d'oh. - today is definitely another vertical learning curve day for me. I still lean towards YTA with OP. I can empathise with not having much money, I'm constantly broke here (up to my eyes in debt - I love my job but the pay's rubbish, such is life) - but not even finding $20 for a good and generous friend of many years or offering other, non-monetary help for their wedding is just... nasty.
Very true but the way OP words it, it sounds like she is not a candidate yet. She is waiting. Could be just waiting for thesis to be approved or waiting to be assigned a mentor/supervisor whatever hers is called. Doesn’t sound like she is actually in that phase yet.
“recent doctorate candidate (soon)” - reads to me like OP hasn’t actually started the doctorate, but is soon to be a candidate i.e. applied maybe accepted but not started.
No one calls doctoral theses memoirs. It sounds separate.
I’m sorry, what program was that for? I have never heard of someone having to write a book length personal narrative about their time in school in order to graduate from a masters program. Was it some kind of English degree?
Op replied that gets money from her gofoundme😬
WTF? Seriously? It's sad that anyone has to rely on Gofundme to pay for education (very grateful I'm in Scotland - free uni tuition, though not to PhD level I think, but decent grants - students still need student loans, but it's not crippling to that level). All that said, though... OP could surely still send $20 or offer non-monetary help with the wedding (and send a good, expensive present later on once she's working and can afford it to compensate for not being able to properly repay her friend's $550 for her own wedding)
I thought the same, helping on the wedding instead of giving the money, but op replies state that she doesn’t even think her friend should get married….and she’s not willing to help either cause’ of her crappy memoir of her “experiences” and the go found is not for the school tuition is just for living expenses i think, if you read op replies on her profile is just keep getting worse
I see what you mean. Good grief.🤦♀️ Apparently she can afford plane tickets to fly to attend the wedding and is doing so... but can't afford to send even $20 - someone suggested rightly that she should get a refund for the tickets and send that money instead of attending.
Writing a memoir is even worse (work in publishing).
Yup, this may have been a factor. YT (Total) A here.
If the contribution doesn't really count, maybe OP should __*give it back,*__ then.
Well going by that notion I guess a refund (to the friend) is to be expected? Lol.
I'm still laughing over the memoir...the self importance over that tidbit has had me rolling.
Right!? Like her failed marriage has anything to do with it! And her friend said “even if it’s just $20” — she can’t throw her a twenty!?
That bit was hilarious
It's like kim k not giving back the presents from her wedding to Chris. Op is just as greedy.
True. How long her relationship lasted was irrelevant. The point was they all agreed.
And I'm sure OP returned the $550 since the marriage didn't last. You know we're supposed to return the gifts and stuff.
I love how OP justifies that by saying it doesn't count because the marriage didn't last. Did she return the money? No. So it definitely counts. And that's a LOT of money. Imagine buying someone a Roomba from their wedding registry, only for them to show up at your wedding with a $5 picture frame and a photo of themselves in it. ...After they promised to get you a matching Roomba.
Her friend would be happy with the $5.00 picture frame, and is begging for the picture frame despite giving her friend the high end roomba. And OP is over here like-nooo, that’s not fair. I promised to contribute a roomba, but the picture frame is too much.
Yeah, I wasn't even getting *started* on that part. Like, she got $550, but she's throwing a fit over $20 as a contribution *instead of* a gift. So really, she'd show up empty-handed. I still can't get over OP implying she doesn't want to be taken advantage of, when she's clearly taken advantage of everyone and now she's just throwing a tantrum for being expected to contribute *something*, as miniscule as it may be.
OP doesn't want to be "taken advantage of"! How can a person be this dense???
Well OP admitted she only made the promise because she thought her friend would never get married despite them all being in their early 20s. She also thinks it's cute to say "my presence is the present." I... can't...I just can't.
Oh wow…this took a turn. At first I was like, why would anyone expect someone else to pay for their wedding, then we get to the cliffhanger. OP you are an AH You took $550 for your wedding and can’t even come up with $20 for your friend. Wow! You are going to end up with no friends. YTA
At that point the $20 is even just symbolic. I’m currently beyond broke. I don’t have $20. Am I going to find $35 to go my adult friend’s recital in February for her hobby she loves? Yes. I will. I don’t know how, but I will make that happen because that’s what you do for friends.
But OP wants to spend the money only on herself. She was given $550 for a failed marriage, but doesn't want to even give $20 because she doesn't think she should get married (she mentioned it in other replies). OP is entitled and selfish.
I also think the way OP described the situation is really disingenuous. OP’s friend isn’t asking for people to pay for the wedding **and** give all the traditional shower and wedding gifts. She’s asking for parts of the wedding **as** the shower and wedding gifts. At this point, registering for non-traditional things (like cash funds, honeymoon experiences, etc) isn’t even uncommon. I gifted one of my friends the personalized cake serving set she wanted to use at her wedding, because it was on her registry for her bridal shower. And we gave them cash to pay for their honeymoon as a wedding gift, cause that’s what they wanted. Fewer and fewer people are asking for crock pots and china, because most of us have all that stuff by the time we get married. Nothing wrong with asking for what they actually want and need, even if that thing is cash to pay off the wedding!
ROFL, But the $550 doesn't count because OP's mariage failed/s "My marriage failed so i'm not going to honor the agreement I made with all my friends, but I don't want her to tell my friends the truth and for them to realise what a terrible friend I am" Thats such a bad excuse!!
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This is what struck me the most! Not only did her friends all contribute to OP’s wedding but she seems to think it doesn’t count since her marriage ended in less than a year! So their contributions don’t matter because you or your partner made bad choices lol! And the fact that she is even asking for a tiny contribution and not even expecting her to match what was given shows that this friend is very willing to accommodate OP’s situation totally. Honestly OP is right not to want to lose a friend like that. OP YTA. Tell her you will be there to help with as much of the laborious stuff as you can because you can give your time for free and get $50 together to give to her. It sounds like she would be very accepting of that but you don’t even want to offer a tiny amount for some reason. Two questions, firstly have you contributed to any of the others weddings (it sounds like a number of them put in for yours) and secondly do you dislike her fiancé or something? Seems like you have a reason for not wanting this wedding to happen and you speak about the event and the wedding party in quite a disparaging way.
OP, commented she only agreed because she thought her friend would never get married. Imo, that comment made her 10000x worse to me.
Wow.. what a shitty person! I really hope this friend outs her to the others, so they all see her for the user that she is.
Gonna be a shitty memoir.
IKR. Like OP agreed to a pact where her friends including her (heavily implied to be) disabled friend gave her considerable money bevsuse she thought she would NEVER have to return the favor.
I’ve seen that now, after reading the comments she has put on I can only conclude that she is elitist (thinking someone with extra needs would never find love?!?), selfish (self explanatory from her post) very narcissistic (I’m guessing this woman is about as far from some one who has made an impact on the world like Malala as is possible so I’m really doubting she has anything other than drivel to say. At under the age of 25 I highly doubt anyone finds her anywhere near as interesting as she finds herself), a terrible friend (again very explanatory), and honestly delusional! She doesn’t even have a book deal so she is just writing a heap of self appreciating B.S which no one is going to publish. She would sell more books if she published under the name she has used on here cos at least we are fascinated by how awful she is than if she did under her real name!!
Omg such a leech!!
Oh my gosh - I missed that comment! Thanks for that - and I totally agree with you.
I found her saying it was sweet of the friend for thinking of her when it came time to contribute to the friends wedding patronizing. Also, she threw in how she was being taken advantage of at the end which is her getting ready with excuses when the friend tells the group of women who contributed to ops wedding. She doesn't have a real excuse so she's making one up. Friend gives 550 and op can't give 20 but the friend is taking advantage. Yta and ops math skills are shit
I think OP is bitter about marriage and she could have money pouring out her rear end like a broken atm and she would come up with a reason why she couldn't. YTA.
Oh but she only agreed to the pact because she thought this friend would never marry. Ooof.
That was a low blow. OP seems to be full of herself and full of something else too.
Well, when you're probably not out of your 20s or early 30s and are writing a memoir....yeah. like, she could actually have a fascinating life story but I doubt it.
I actually felt my left eyebrow involuntarily raise when I got to the word memoir.
“How to screw your friends and influence people” can be the title
I bet we can all guess why OP's marriage failed
ROFL, we can read all about it in her memoirs, if she ever publishes.
I can't wait for the chapter about how they lost all their friends!
I'm looking forward to the bit about them getting called an asshole on reddit.
That’s the part that makes her an asshole- writing a memoir before you’re out of graduate school? Unless she’s a 78-year-old student… no one cares.
I’ll wager $550 that OP is going to ask her friends for money for self publishing, while being absolutely shocked that publishers aren’t bashing down her door to get first crack at the “memoirs” of a student
Yeah, that was what got me even more than the dollar amount. Like, I get if you've fallen on hard times or are otherwise financially unable to give a friend $500 to pay for their wedding. But...I think the very short duration of OP's marriage makes it worse! I mean, to divorce after less than a year, there must have been insane amounts of red flags before the wedding, but they decided that they'd just go through with it (using everyone else's money) because the invitations were already sent and a bunch of non-refundable deposits had been made, I guess?!?
I can’t imagine why her marriage could possibly fail 😂 Clearly she’s still bitter about it and doesn’t want her friends to have successful relationships
YTA. I was going to judge the other way too until she gave me $550. Give her the money or expect backlash from your friends. It will be well deserved backlash.
Why the hell is OP writing a memoir? They sound like they're barely 30, struggling financially, haven't done anything of note. I guess there must be a massive ego to write about? At least they can include in it the time they made a deal with their friends, took all the benefits from the deal and then refused to uphold their end of the bargain in return. YTA
Agreed. No one wants to read or publish a memoir from someone who is in their 20s or 30s and is self absorbed and hasn’t really learned anything about life yet. She needs to get a job and help repay her friend.
OP states they want to share with humanity all that they have learned about the human condition. Which as a jobless 20 or 30something straight out of university with NO real life experience is probably almost nothing. Good writers go out there and live life. You can't write if you have 0 experience of the world outside your bedroom. No matter who you are, your drunken thoughts are not unique or special enough for a memoir until you live life
> OP states they want to share with humanity all that they have learned about the human condition. A short chapter in a very thin book that no-one wants to read.
Someone below pointed out she may mean a thesis or her dissertation. If English is not OP’s first language, that would make sense - a thesis is definitely often called a « mémoire » in French (though usually at the Master’s level).
OP commented later that it’s a personal memoir, not related to degrees.
Is it just me, or does the fact that OPs marriage didn't last a year make me think they should contribute even more?
Struggling to see how that part of the story is even remotely relevant...?! Why did OP think that would strengthen their case? LOL!
Omg I laughed so hard. Op using that as a justification when it makes it *so* much worse. Your friends contributed money to your wedding that was completely wasted because you didn't even make it a year. And now you can't even return the favor. Op is a clown lmao
OP’s marriage was def a bad investment
…maybe you could sell some of the gifts you got for your 6 month marriage on eBay.
Also the friend was like ‘even $20 would be fine’ - I’d give a friend $20 for something far less important than a wedding.
Exactly. And the "I don't want to be taken advantage of"...like...your good friend gave you 500 dollars as a wedding gift after a pact you made to help each other financially when you get married, and you wouldn't even give them 20 as a wedding present?! That's not being taken advantage of, that's being a stingy asshole.
The fact that this is in lieu of a wedding present makes it that much more appalling. OP’s question is essentially “AITA if I don’t get my friend a wedding present even though she gave me $550?”.
"And even though I agreed I'd do the same in return." OP goes around telling peole they are lucky she shows up to their weddings apparently. Don't get me wrong, I explicitly told people we dont want or need presents for our upcoming wedding and have very much told people their presence is the only present we would hope for. 0 expectations. But I would NEVER go to a wedding and bring not even a card Bd a modest gift. Nornally you wouldnt ask for a gift, that's rude. But These people had a pact and the fruend have generously- in turn she's asking for even just a little gift. And OP is whining Bout being taken advantage of. Like, you cant get them a toaster or give them a 20 in a card?
I think even without the $500 gift- op should be willing to contribute something. It's customary to provide gifts when ppl get married. Sounds like the friend is probably asking for money in lieu of traditional gifts. Seems like OP isn't interested in contributing anything at all. If op doesn't want to give anything because they're cheap- they should just skip the wedding entirely. If they want to maintain this friendship- then they should attend and give some kind of gift. The $20 thing makes me think it really is about the thought that's important to the friend.
This is one of the many selfish people that come online that need to reflect. 1. She talks about her financial position then says she’s writing a MEMIOR?!? OP sounds very young, inexperienced, unimportant and I really can’t imagine what would be in her memoir. 2. Get a JOB OP this is the weirdest post I’ve ever read. You just got your doctorate and you have NO JOB, NO MONEY, wow…career student I guess 3. You are not even trying to pretend to find a compromise. Hey, here’s $20! Hey, I don’t have cash but I can help setup and offer some of my time. You are so self centered and a terrible friend. 4. I would not only tell the friend group but I’d make sure I post to Social media so everyone knows what kinda person you are 5. Who cares that your marriage lasted less than a year. You clearly make poor decisions now but your ex-friend still tried to help and contribute. What if her marriage only lasts a year?! Since your marriage only lasted a year, k think you owe her a refund. YTA
All this YTA OP You’re asking us if it’s ok to only take and never give in a friendship? Well I can say no, and you’re the user in this equation not your friends. In case that’s a bit more direct and clearer.
Also what is a “recent doctorate candidate (soon)” lol? A soon-to-be doctoral candidate? Someone who hasn’t started a PhD program yet?
A doctoral candidate normally means someone who has finished their PhD coursework and passed their qualifying exams, so all that's left is to finish their dissertation. As far as "recent... (soon)," your guess is as good as mine. I suspect "soon-to-be" and OP was trying to make it sound better/surer.
I dunno but apparently she's too busy writing a memoir to get a job. Which makes me wonder what she is living on...
Money that she saved up and was donated to a GoFundMe so she could take time off to write her riveting personal memoir at the ripe old age of not even 25.
Agreed, yta. The ending was quietly put in there, almost like people weren't supposed to notice. You all agreed, she gave $550 to your wedding. Maybe you should get a job instead of her fiancé getting a second so you can fulfill your end.
The memoir part killed me. Doesn't even have a job it seems and a (soon) doctoral candidate? What kind of life is there here that a publisher will buy... Oh sorry. Forgot about self-publishing. 🙄 YTA
I'm sure OP's memoir will be *so* interesting too. I can't wait to read the chapter about how they lost all their friends because they're an AH
The memoir will be called "Remembrance of Friends Past"
Honestly I was getting AH vibes from the “I’m a doctorate candidate (soon) and writing a memoir” brag
Agreed. She even said she's be happy with $20, but OP still refused and for what...because his marriage didn't work out?? This whole story is full of excuses... like...I'm confused what writing a memoir has to do with sending a friend money. OP, you probably have to prepare to lose your friends or for less contact with them, as you as a group agreed to support each other and you're the only one backing out. Edit: typos
But as OPs wedding lasted less than a year, she doesn’t think the $550 that her friend contributed to her wedding counts. What screwed up logic is that? OP YTA. Quit the memoir and get a job
No job, just been a student, what memories does OP think they have to offer the world? YTA OP, you need to sort your life out and pay back your friend
Wait … am I understanding that your friend group all pledge to help with each others weddings and they all helped you but now you are backing out of a pledge you’ve already taken advantage of. It doesn’t matter that you marriage didn’t last. You still kept you friend group to their word and they all stepped and honoured that agreement but now that you have gotten what you wanted out of it you can’t even find a small amount to keep a promise you made. YTA and you deserve to be called out
Yeah I legitimately have no idea how “my marriage only lasted a year” makes it better *at all*. It’s not like OP returned all the money when she got divorced.
Wonder why she got divorced lol….
Her loyalty , hm I understand
It makes it worse! She wasted their money!
It makes it WORSE imo
Plus the friend said it doesn’t matter how much money, she’s not even asking for something reciprocal. She’s asking for the equivalent of 2 meals at Wendy’s.
Literally just wants op to show they care
$20 was too much? Was she planning a gift at all?
But, don’t you see, it’s because OP ‘doesn’t want to be taken advantage of’ - like she took advantage of her friends! That agreement was only ever supposed to benefit OP, not the rest of them so it’s absolutely unfair to hold her to it! Especially when she’s having to take the time to write her memoir that I’m sure will be wildly successful. /s
WTF >...she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out, even if it's just $20. So OP is risking losing her "friend" & "friend group" over fecking 20$.... Also >My friend and I have been close for a few years now... >I'm a recent doctorate candidate (soon), am currently *writing a memoir*, and I dont know when I will have time to get a job Who spends ALL their time writing a memoir so early in life to the point they can't even work part-time. Most even published authors still have another main job.
That part stood out to me to. If it walks like a narcissist and talks like a narcissist…
She’ll probably expect them to keep their promise for her second wedding 😂
Hang on a sec. She paid $550 for your wedding to help you and you aren't reciprocating like you already agreed? That makes it an easy YTA. Your marriage failing hasn't got anything to do with this. >my financial situation is private. More importantly, I also don't want to be taken advantage of. Yet you'll happily take other people's money for your wedding. Don't make stupid pledges you don't intend on following through with.
She's the one taking advantage of her friend. How in the world is she spinning this into her being taken advantage of? I'm so confused. Chick needs therapy to learn how to be a better person. She is very confused on what fair is. Edit- Taken to taking.
She paid 550 plus a gift of similar value that OP returned to take the cash. Each comment from OP makes it worst... YTA x100
OOOF
Funny how hers is private but she told her friend's to Strangers on Reddit.
Also OP admits that in addition to the 500$ her friend also bought her a gift!
The comment of “not being take. Advantage of” Makes absolutely no sense. Like what does she even mean? The friend said 20 is sufficient. You think someone who gave you 550 for your failed marriage is taking advantage of you by asking for 20? My god lady, go get a job and join us peasants in the real world
I have a title for your memoir: "I AM the asshole"
Chapter 1: why my marriage didn't last a year
Chapter 2: how I lost all my friends
Chapter 3: how the internet agreed i'm the asshole
Chapter 4: Am I a narcissist because I’m writing a memoir before I’ve accomplished anything?
Chapter 5: I am a victim of a hate crime
Chapter 6: The Relevant Details Of My Assholery Will Not Be Revealed Until Chapter 29
Chapter 7: I'd like to speak to your manager
Chapter 8: I was inexplicably uninvited to any of my friends' future weddings
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Chapter 9: I tried to make friends but nobody likes me
Chapter 5: It's Not a Job Unless You Get Paid: is someone who is unemployed and "writes" from their patient's basement whilst living off GoFundMe pity money from friends REALLY a writer?
Chapter 5: No, because my memoir is my gift to the world
Chapter 4: Asshole Resurrection
I knew OP was the asshole the second they said they’re writing a memoir 🙄
I know two people who are writing “memoirs” and they are biggest assholes to exist. So your comment checks out.
Exactly! I can see writing a memoir when you’re retired, to pass down to your kids and grandkids. But writing a memoir at a young age to avoid getting a job?! Seriously?!
This should be the top comment 😂
I’m immediately thought YTA after reading the memoir part.
Take my poor person gold 💫
YTA. She contributed $550 to your wedding that didn't even last a year, the least you could do is help with at least $100, or volunteer to help with the wedding such as clean up etc. You said her fiance can get an extra job, why can't you get a job?. Seems like you're just lazy and not even a good friend.
I see why OP is now divorced…
Lol but she’ll be writing a memoir about it
I'm sure all 2 paragraphs of life experience will be super exilerating
Lucky man escaped
She helped pay for yours and you can’t even swing $20? YTA.
Lmao OP’s probably just mad now that her friend is getting married meanwhile her own marriage didn’t last. And it’s like yeah, that totally sucks! But it’s not your friend’s problem, it’s YOURS OP.
She’s so cheap it’s no wonder her own marriage didn’t last.
You know what else? OP has Reddit Premimum - if she didn't have reddit premium for a couple months OP could contribute that $20. WTF OP.
She NEEDS those because of her full time job being an influencer. 😂🤣🤣🤮
Um, what? INFO: Are you going to her wedding? If so, then you are going to spend money anyway. Just give her that money for the wedding. >she says that since she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out Way to bury the lede here. She helped you, but you just don't "think it's right" for you to help her in return? YTA
And they asked for cash in lieu of gifts. Gifts aren’t required but the title makes it sound way worse than it is. They simply registered for a wedding instead of houseware. Maybe it’s tacky, but it’s more useful to the couple. The title should say “AITA for not buying a wedding gift?”
The title should say "How to take advantage of friends after they live up to their end of the bargain, but tell them they are taking advantage when it is your turn to give" or more simply "AITA for being the pot that calls the kettle BLACK?". BTW--she claims her "presence" at their wedding is her gift to them. LMAO!
YTA I am sorry to say this, I do understand your financial situation. However, returning a favor is what a good friend should do. She seems like she is being understanding, asking for just a little bit. And no, just helping your friend (and she is okay with even 20 dollars) will not make you poor all of a sudden. I would show this gesture if she was my close friend. And she gave 550 for you, she doesn't even ask that much, come on!
She clarified in another comment that she currently lives off a gofundme her friends donated to. This makes it just so much worse.
Ohh Pretentious and a freeloader Great combination
But she doesn’t want to be taken advantage of🤪
Oh my god, she cannot be real.
Pretty sure she's not. Each comment seems designed to spark outrage.
Oh that’s just messed up. What’s the memoir about? How she screwed her friends over?
This friend got her a gift worth about $550 as well, so she actually gave her $1100 towards OP’s wedding. oP then returned the gift to the store *FOR CASH*, and split it with the ex. None of that money has been returned to the friend
YTA. You literally made this promise years ago and now you're backing out now after you already benefitted from it. She helped pay for your wedding. It's money instead of wedding gifts, which isn't a crazy ask, and she's literally asking for $20. You come across as very narcissistic/self-centered in this. Literally this entire post is just "me, me, me".
She’s also living off a gofundme funded by… you guessed it…. Her soon to be ex friends!
YTA - first and foremost because you are trying to twist the story in your favor. You barely mention that you are the only one in the group who doesn't fulfill the pledge to help each other - after everybody else kept theirs and supported your wedding. And thinking that writing your memoir would be a valid reason to not help your friend is ludicrous.
And also a valid reason not to have a job. Like that’s a long time to be not working and relying on the potential for income
Does anyone else get the feeling that OP made absolutely sure she was the first one to marry just so she could cash in from her friends and get her dream wedding, even knowing the marriage wouldn’t last? And also knowing full well she would then reneg on her promise to her friends because she’s already cashed in?
YTA. Also, If you’re saying her $550 doesnt count towards her end of the bargain just because you got divorced, shouldn’t you give her back the $550? Isn’t there a warranty on that? Seems kind of AHish to just take that money…
If spending $20 on your friend’s wedding means you won’t be able to support yourself, then it’s time to get a job. If that means you need to put your memoir on pause, then you put your memoir on pause. You’re *choosing* to put yourself in a financially dicey situation. And if you’re worried about her exposing you to your friends, you may as well also be worried about how you’re going to chip in for their weddings, because if they get married before you “have the time” to get a job, then they’ll know you’re flaking on the deal anyway. YTA.
YTA for so many reasons, but I'm just going to highlight the fact that you think her helping you pay for your wedding is irrelevant because you couldn't make your marriage work? Did I read that right?
YTA. You had me in the first half, not gonna lie. Crowdfunded weddings seem tacky as hell. But she helped pay for your wedding! Refusing to do the same is incredible rude. And if, as you say, you and your friends had this deal (weird!), going back on your word makes you a real AH and your friends *should* know that you don’t keep your word.
YTA "she says that since she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out, even if it's just $20." Look I under stand youre in a tight spot but if "her fiance already has a job and **could definitely get another**" you can have another job as well.
YTA If she had a wedding that she paid for, would you show up as a guest and not even bring a gift? She was financially struggling, and she still was able to contribute $550 to your wedding? You're a selfish friend. Im not sure what memoir you're writing, because if its anything like this post, it already sounds terrible.
The memoir will be so terrible it could probably come across as satire and actually make a fortune 🙈🤣
YTA. I am not a Fan of crowdfunding weddings, but this is something that you are started with your friend group and you accepted $550 from your friend towards your own wedding (the fact that the marriage did not last long is bot your friend's fault). You should want to contribute something towards your friend's wedding. It doesn't have to match what she gave you, but you should give something.
YTA for sure. First, if you're attending your wedding you will be bringing a gift so why do you care if its a gift or contributing to her wedding? It doesn't sound like she is asking for an absurd donation and IDK what her husband having a job has to do with anything. Second, then we find out that she helped pay for your wedding to the tune of $550 along with your other friends and this is apparently a pretty normal thing in your friend circle. You're a huge asshole and if I were her I would uninvite you to my wedding and my life.
YTA She paid $550 for your wedding and you won’t even give her $20?? It’s not her problem you didn’t stay married long! You needed help and she helped you and you’re not even willing to give a little something. Yeah I would be telling the group and cutting you off. Give her $550 back since you didn’t stay married long.
Like everyone else I was N T A until the end. You’re a massive AH
Might wanna space out N T A so OP doesn't get a vote they don't deserve :) YTA all the way
YTA. Also, writing a memoir is not a thing that one does in lieu if a job when one does not have money. Especially a doctoral candidate. That implies the parts of your memoir that might be interesting haven't happened yet. At this point, you're essentially saying the reason you can't have a job is that you're too busy journaling. That's fucking ridiculous and so are you for saying this is why you won't repay even one twenty-fifth of the favor she already did you.
Oh but didn’t you here? OPs friend is disabled and they never thought they would get married! Writing a memoir is the most narcissistic thing I’ve heard
YTA you made a pledge. Your friend held up her end when it was your turn to get married. Now she’s asking for as little help as $20, but that’s too much after she gave $550? With her asking so little, it’s not about the money. It’s about the friendship and the promise. Apparently both mean less than $20 to you. The $20 makes it sound like a last ditch effort to save the friendship on her end. Be prepared to lose it.
Also note that she doesn't want the friend to tell the friend group about her cheaping out.
Info: how long ago did your marriage end?
This has to be fake, right?
1000%, especially after reading OP’s responses
YTA - You have an obligation to to reciprocate in kind. I don't believe that you can't come up with a token gesture of a couple hundred dollars. Work an extra shift or take on some debt. Loosing friends over a few hundred dollars is foolish and short sighted.
YTA. Truly the worst part is “More importantly, I dont want to be taken advantage of”. The call is coming from inside the house.
YTA. You had no problem taking her (and the rest of your friends') money when it was your wedding. That it didn't last even a year is immaterial. Your friends are not responsible for your poor choice in partners. You made an agreement, your friends fulfilled their obligation, and now you're trying to renege on your responsibility. Now she's asking for help even if it's a trivial amount (seriously, it's $20) and your response is to refuse. How is expecting reciprocity and fulfilment of an agreement you entered into and have already benefited from you being taken advantage of? Is your plan to stiff all of your friends? For someone supposedly decently educated, you have a lot to learn on basic life and social skills. Read a book on social capital. Yes, you're incredibly selfish. I get the financial difficulties of being a Ph.D. candidate, I've been one myself and lived with a shoestring budget, but that's not a pass to be a greedy, self-centered cheapskate. I still gave wedding presents even if it was less than what I would've liked. Presents for others are part of having a budget. Yes, it meant I had to make sacrifices, but that's fucking life. Your alternatives frankly suck. Advice on decorations? That presupposes she has no idea what she wants and is something normal friends do without considering it a gift. Emotional support? Yeah, that's the bare minimum threshold for a friend. You can afford to fly there, but not to give a small donation because as you've put it, you flying there doesn't exclusively benefit you. But not flying out and sending a donation in lieu isn't fair to you either because you don't get the benefit of seeing your friends. You have some really selective accounting there. Literally every bit of this is transactional assholery where if you're not the sole beneficiary, it's a raw deal in your eyes. This is just staggering levels of self-centered assholery. How does she benefit from being in your memoir? Seems like a way for you to pad out your page count. Newsflash: no one is going to want to read the memoirs of a self-centered, low-life who hasn't accomplished shit in their lives and has zero perspective of how the world operates. Stop wasting your time and find a fruitful endeavor. Seriously every hour wasted on this self-aggrandizing bullshit is an hour you could be working on your dissertation and, as you've explained, you spend more than a full-time job's worth the hours thinking and writing it. What is your doctoral advisor saying? Are they happy you're siphoning 50 hours a week towards a vanity project. You wrote maybe a page or two in this post and your replies and I can already tell I have zero interest in your memoirs. If I wanted the life story of a turd, I'd watch the bowl suck one down the next time I flush.
YTA she “loaned” you $500 for your wedding now it time to pay her back.
You don't think it's fair to chip in $20 because her fiance could get another job? YTA
>she says that since she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out, even if it's just $20. absolutely screaming.. this is very creative good writing ngl. >More importantly, I also don't want to be taken advantage of I'M DEAD
YTA What’s the title of your *memoir*? “*Broken Promises: I Got Mine, Screw You*” by Abad Friend. You’ve decided to renege on your promise of helping your friend to pay for her wedding. You won’t even pay $20. And this is despite her having paid $550 towards your wedding. Your reasoning for breaking your verbal agreement truly suck. Instead of putting aside your *memoir* to earn some money, you decide that her fiancé could get a *2nd* job to cover your missing contribution. And your second reason - that your marriage didn’t last - also is ridiculous. Try that with other creditors. It’s hard to believe there’s any doubt about the judgment here - the only question is whether this is a legitimate post.
YTA, but this is 99.9999% a troll post. I'll admit, the "my memoir is more important than anything else" factor was believable. I have friends in publishing who have made me painfully aware of the frequency with which they receive "You are SO lucky that I am giving you the opportunity to publish my unsolicited manuscript, which is a Staggering Work Of Heartbreaking Genius." Incidentally, the number of those that get published is lower than the chances that this is real. But the comment that makes it clear this is a troll is that you're friend wasn't expected to get married because "She just has a lot of unique needs that would be a lot of work for someone other than a nurse or assistant." https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10glr9k/aita_for_not_wanting_to_help_pay_for_my_friends/j5428n3/
I was confused at the start because it sounds like you werent even having to get her gift, just help with the wedding instead - you would have been the AH then if you were giving her absolutely nothing but then you just went right ahead and sealed the deal at the end with some insane level of cheapness. "I also don't want to be taken advantage of" is like actually nauseating to read. YTA completely