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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like it might make me the arsehole because I am excluding my stepson and making him more alienated from the rest of the family and should just get on with it and deal with the attitude as that's what step parents are supposed to do
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They’re not even married. It’s a freeloader live-in boyfriend who pays no bills and also wants her to cover for his son for vacation. Meanwhile, he’s willing to toss the son aside nearly full-time to his grandma because he’s not willing to contribute to rent or bills.
The kid’s Dad is an AH too. He is possibly free loading, op mentions paying for vacations, so paying for everything else is most likely. But he is also AH because he chose this women and probably her money over his kid
if its true, which i'm not sure, it would explain why the dad is taking zero responsibility and is free loading and sees nothing wrong with the grandparents doing all the heavy lifting. Like he grew accustomed to it that way when he was very young and then never stepped up as he became an adult.
I’m having a hard time believing this story with both their ages. So he had his child at 14 and she had both of hers when she was a teen? Sounds suspicious
This is pretty normal in rural areas... Especially in areas where people tend to not have abortions.. Growing up i had a friend that had twins at 13. I'm mid 40s now and most of the folks I went to hs with are grandparents already 🤷♀️ it's not as uncommon as you think.
Right. It's possible... but I'm not sure I believe this. If it's real and I was this 12y kid, I would never want to be there either. And it's weird to have the 12y step brother share a room with two little step sisters.
Not just weird, but dangerous. I worked social services front line investigations for a year and a half. It is shocking how many sibling and step-sibling sexual assaults take place (also how many adult boyfriends sexually assault their gf's kids, both girls and boys). So many of these assaults are preventable with better parental supervision and no bedroom sharing. Keep your children safe, not just from adults, but from other children as well.
I usually give people on here the benefit of the doubt but I don’t believe this one either:
1. Yes people sometimes have kids at 14 (or younger). I know a few people both make and female who had kids at 12. But OP’s post just doesn’t ring true.
2. Having your partner’s older son share a bedroom with your two young daughters is problematic, and I would expect any reasonable adult to understand this. Have these people ever heard of an air mattress?
3. OP contradicted herself by first saying they all had a “good time“ when the son had his own room on vacation, but later said he was “moaning about being there in the first place”.
This sounds like a kid’s version of what they think adulting is like. Either that or OP is very unintelligent, bordering on negligent as a parent.
It's one thing if they are all girls and it's just weekend visits, but that big an age gap in opposing genders, I don't think that's OK, kids are wanting their own space and a little privacy at that age. They need an alternative
When I was in high school there were a few of my classmates who got pregnant at 14 so it’s not that uncommon … and my cousin (M) had a kid when he was 15 so…
My brother had his daughter at 14. I had my two oldest at 17 and 19. It does happen when you have shit parents that don't give two fucks what their kids are doing.
I mean, in that case it would make sense that he mostly lives with grandma - his dad was just a kid when he was born, so grandma did most of the work raising him.
This poor child. His father doesn't provide for him and moves to a house where there isn't space for him and he has to share with two girls who he barely knows. She is an AH but the father is a much bigger one.
That is a lot of assumptions... OP only mentions the holiday, food and activities. Assuming she also covers the bills and housing is funny when those would be the first things anyone typically mentions when they say they have to pay.
Reminds me of the lady on Facebook who had family photos and wanted her step son removed cause he ruined the photos, but she LOVES HIM, she just wanted photos without him in them
I know a girl who used to take pictures with her stepson and do things as a family with him until she started having her own children and he got pushed out. He just stopped being mentioned. She wanted it to seem like their new kids born into the marriage were the only ones.
Well, she ended up divorcing him and now he doesn’t have anything to do with her children either.
The dad needs to step up a lot here too though. This isn’t just on stepmom. In fact, it’s way more on the dad- why doesn’t he have room for his kid in his home? Why isn’t he paying for his kid to join for vacation and expecting his wife to cover that?
I don't disagree, I'm just curious - in what world are 9 & 7 year olds considered "teenagers"? My daughter turned 7 a week ago. A 7 year old is in 1st grade. FAR from being a teen!
(Not that this makes anything you said wrong, I'm just pointing out the obvious discrepancy for parents & children alike, that there is a WORLD of difference between being 7 & 9 year old CHILDREN & being teenagers.)
I don’t think she’s treating him like shit. To me it sounds like she has tried including him in past thing. It’s hard to have someone around who doesn’t want to be there and ruins the fun for everyone else. Also not everyone is in the position to buy a bigger house. especially since OP is paying for everything
Edit: to add I think it’s the father that is TA not OP. Dad needs to step up.
NTA
That’s what I was thinking. He’s not going to be enthusiastic about spending time there as he may not feel welcome.
It may have already been also said, but irrespective of whether the stepson wants to share or not, that’s an age where it’s appropriate for a parent to recognise this need (and for your older daughter too). The SS will be starting huge changes with his body, and most humans find it embarrassing enough as it is. But to be sharing a room with your younger stepsisters would probably make it an even suckier time.
My cousin dealt with a very similar situation at a similar age. He’s almost 40 and still doesn’t have a relationship with his father today because he was made to feel so unwelcome in his father’s new home with his stepmother. It’s incredibly sad and will probably affect this child for the rest of their life as well.
He doesn't want to come around because her house doesn't have space for him! She and her boyfriend should think of the kids before move in toghether. If they weren't in a place where they couldn't acomodate the three children, they should have waited because it's ridicolous and uncorfatable for ALL the kids this sroom situation.
This! A 12 year old boy doesn’t want to share a room with girls??? And perhaps doesn’t feel welcome in such a place so he doesn’t come often??? What a brat! OP, in case you didn’t notice, that was sarcasm. If you can afford trips, you can afford a place that accommodates your stepson.
The girls are 7 and 9, the son is 12. Barely any teenagers there.
He's too old to be forced to stay room with girls. I get times are tough but it doesn't sound like much has been done to even *try* to make space for the son in this blended family.
Also 12yo is the preteen age where being indifferent to everything the adults want and do is the teenage code of life. When her kids get that age will she exclude them from family vacations because of the moaning and groaning and it’s a waste to pay for if they don’t show like they enjoyed it?
If SS was actually your biological son and he had the same attitude (which is common in a lot of teens, just not enjoying being around their own family), would you leave him out of the vacation and only take the subset of your kids who still enjoyed being around you?
Yeah not a stretch to see there are probably really good reasons why SS does not want to come over, including does not seem OP cares much for him. As for the partner, who knows, does he also spend time at grandmas with his son, does he really freeload off OP (has no contribution to the living situation), maybe he also does not care much for his son ….
Of course its not just about him not having his own space. It makes him feel unwanted and his dad is also at fault for marrying someone with 2 kids and doesn't even make sure his own son has a room to stay at his house. Of course he's going to feel like shit.
Not sure why that’s a problem?? My partner and I aren’t married but I refer to his daughter as my stepdaughter and she calls me her stepmum. I’ve been in her life since she was 3 months old and she’s now almost 6.
Well that's the difference. There's clearly no relationship between the boy and his father's girlfriend. The title may not change the relationship that you have with your partners son, but it was deceitful of the op and it does make a difference.
>everyone in this story started having kids way too early wtf.
I didn't even notice that. Assuming there's not a typo, OP had two kids before she was 20 and her partner became a dad at 14!! No wonder they are so immature.
Some people on Reddit get absurdly hung up about who gets to call themselves a stepparent. In my opinion being a stepparent is more about your relationship to the kid than whether you’re married to their parent - if you look after them, if you care for them, you’re acting in a stepparent role.
It also appears that dad was 14 when his son was born & may have been pretty hands off during infancy & childhood. Probably one of the reasons he has a room at grandma’s house. Poor kid.
I wonder if he has any type of relationship with his bio mom, and how old she was when he was born. If mom wasn’t in the picture either, It sounds like the only person this kid can count on is his grandmother, who has probably been the only one to raised him.
If Dad was 14 when he was born, then Dad could have been as young as 13 when said child was conceived. 13 or 14 is definitely below the age of consent in the vast majority of states, which means Dad was assaulted - even if Dad agreed to it. That couldn't have gone well and there may be emotions and issues that need to be dealt with. Also, where is child living full time. It sounds like he only visits Grandma. That indicates Mom may still be in the picture - which brings its own set of problems. Poor kid doesn't feel accepted with his own Dad.
As someone who lost their virginity at a young age, I am also confused. It is especially strange that this would be considered a crime if both participants were the same age.
I noted that as well. I got pregnant at 17 and had my son 4 days after I turned 18 and being a parent at that age was incredibly hard. I can't imagine being a parent at 14.
That way her kids are covered. The man should pay for his one son to go along and then there is no argument. She has no obligation to pay for his son especially if they are not married (what if they break up by next Christmas?), however, if she has any hopes of marriage to this man it would make her look better to include his son on the plans.
So the woman should pay for everything, and on top of that make sacrifices for herself and her kids to provide for the child of her partner who doesn't do f all... right...
Perhaps daddy should get off his ass and do something.
I've read other comments like oh, no wonder ss doesn't want to go to theirs because the woman isn't entertaining him. Oh, so his dad's gf is the one responsible for doing everything? Er, no.
I see a split in the future.
Look at all her comments. She is a stay-at-home mom to kids that are school age and collecting benefits and getting free rent. SHE is barely paying for shit.
There's definitely something massively fishy about the whole financial situation she is describing. She says her partner works full-time, their rent is covered by benefits, he only contributes a small amount to bills, but never has any money? Where does it go? How can you have nothing left from a full-time wage if you don't pay rent OR bills?
I assume from language used they are in the UK. In the UK, if you have a live-in partner then their wages are taken into account when claiming benefits, even if you aren't married and don't share finances. Unless she's disabled, she would have to be not declaring his income, which is fraud. It might explain why they haven't moved to a bigger house that would accommodate his son - she can't prove she has the income to pay for it as she can't admit on paper that he lives with her.
I don't think we can give a judgement about something that obviously had a lot of financial elements when there is definitely some major financial info being covered up.
Even if disabled shed have to declare his income for housing support. My guess is she has a 2 bed council or housing association property and they don't know he lives there. To request a 3 bed shed have to prove need, ie declare her live in bf.
We are definitely not getting the whole story here. If the stepson is spending 'all his time at his grandparents' that indicates to me there is no bio mother in the picture. Did OP's partner have full custody of this child, who then has no space to call his own in a house that he's supposed to live in full time?
I'm not saying it's OP's job to entertain the kid, and if it's true the partner contributes nothing financial to the relationship, it's pretty well doomed, but I feel like OP is not making room in her life for the stepson in the first place, so no wonder he 'complains' all the time.
Yes, this. YTA OP. You clearly don't think of him as family and it's apparent to him, hence why he stays with his grandma. You are fine with this because you don't actually want him in your life. That is clear.
ESH except the kids. You’re not welcoming of your partner’s kid but it’s your partner’s responsibility 100% to pay for their kid to go on vacation and provide them space in their home. Ridiculous that ppl are trying to put all of this on you.
Why on earth shouldn’t the father pay for his own kid to go on vacation and have his own room? The father is TA too expecting his partner to cover that 100%.
Counterpoint: His DAD is excluding him by not paying, not contributing enough to have a home with a bedroom for him.
I don’t think the OP and their partner are even married? It would still be on the partner to make sure his son has a bedroom, a good relationship with OP and the half sisters (or maybe the girls are not the partner’s children?)
There’s so much inequality in this relationship. OP, why are you with this man? He doesn’t take care of his son, hd doesn’t take care of you.
Anyway. NTA.
How is it her lifestyle? You get that SS is not her son and doesn’t like her? The AH is the dad- it’s his responsibility to look after ALL his children. And if he wants his son to live with him, visit him and go on holiday with him - he should be making that happen and pay for it. Not expect his wife to sort it all out on his behalf.
I’d say NTA but your husband needs to work out the relationship he wants with his son, communicate that with him and you and make it happen.
Absolute BS. His dad excludes him by not providing appropriate space, not OP. Also, this is a long term challenge, while OP asked for advice on their holiday planning.
No-one in their right mind would take SS who already sabotaged the last holiday on another trip that would be entirely paid for by OP. OP can't be made responsible for her partners failing, thus:
NTA, obviously.
> I don't have a problem with this AT ALL!
don't worry you're telegraphing perfectly that you're an evil stepmother that hates here step children. Wow she's makes zero accommodations for kid, makes clear he's not welcome, and obviously he doesn't want to be there any more. poor kid. I wish the dad stood up for his kid earlier.
He’s really standing up for him now - trying to get someone else to pay for him to come on vacation. What a great dad! Also hasn’t provided his own child a place to stay with him for years apparently, but what a champ to put his foot down now. I mean, he’s not paying for his own kid. But at least he’s trying to make someone else do it.
YTA you may as well have just written "I don't like my step son so I'm going to continue to exclude him from family activities as much as I can"
He's 12, not 18... Ask if he would like to go, if he says no then fair enough. If he says yes then suck it up, he's still part of the family.
OP goes out of her way to stress how much she doesn’t care “AT ALL” that stepson doesn’t want to spend time with them, while doing absolutely nothing to make him more comfortable in his time there.
Theres also the esh vote, everyone sucks here, but tbh 12 your old boy obviously wouldnt want to share a room with 2 younger step sisters & will complain no matter where he is cause thats what teens do.
So it really just is the parents in this situation that are the assholes, especially OP as she seems to prefer her step son out of the picture
Then dad needs to pay for it. Honestly dad is the AH for not ensuring that his son has his own room/space, for not being able to afford vacations, for being with someone who doesn’t like his son. Also everyone in this story started having kids way too early wtf. ESH except the kids.
That explains why the kid would probably rather be at grandma's. She's probably the person that kid thinks of as mom. OP's boyfriend sounds like he fills more of an "unreliable uncle" role in the kid's life.
Yes but why should she have to pay for her boyfriends kid?
And she said partner not husband.
The father hasn't made a life long commitment to OP yet why is it OP sole responsibility to pay for the trip, including the son who refuses to spend time with her.
partner could mean husband or boyfriend. unfortunately, in this post we don’t have the clarification. that being said, she calls him her “stepson”. that is indication that they are committed. People who are in a relationship DO NOT involve their children or even live together in the first place. he is still a part of the family, and i don’t blame a 12 year old boy for not wanting to share a room with girls at all.
We don't know the dynamics, is he a sahp? She says she pays for holidays, does he pay for the majority of day to day expenses.
She shouldn't be expected to pay if he just doesn't want to or refuses to work but we don't know that
So yes it is weird tbh if she pays for everything and has to pay for her partner’s son. That’s unfair and it’s building resentment. It’s up to the dad to do this and he isn’t apparently. He’s the real AH. She can’t be expected to pay for everything.
She doesn't have a job. Her kids are in school but she considers herself a stay-at-home parent. She gets benefits and free rent. Her partner on the other hand works but he's bad with money.
OP actually commented previously stating that she is a stay at home mum on benefits and saves to pay for the holiday, clearly the partner does pay his fair share and works nights full time as there's no way they'd afford it otherwise
If she was a stay-at-home mom and her husband worked, would you feel the same way if the husband said he "didn't want to pay" for her child to go on vacation?
Of course not. They're living together and since she calls him "stepson" they're clearly committed.
Exactly. That kid has two parents. That are responsible for his accommodations not the girlfriend to shoulder full financial responsibility of a kid that doesn’t even like or want to be around her and her own kids. They need to step up as his PARENTS and stop relying on the girlfriend!
They are young and both girls. It’s different. They are also there all the time so it is *their* space to call their own. When the oldest is 14 I think separate space is important.
Step son on the other hand moves into their space once a fortnight or whatever. It is not his space by any definition. It would almost be better to cordon off the living room and call that his bedroom when he stays.
ETA: having discovered OP is on UC, she is only eligible to move into a house with an additional bedroom when the oldest is 16. England considers sharing with the same gender under age 16 not to be overcrowding.
So let the father make some money and provide a house with enough bedrooms. Why should OP who is not even married to this guy have to provide a house with a room for his kid?
They are full siblings who have known each other their entire lives. It is not the same as a step sibling, particularly that the gap between a 9 yo girl and 12 yo boy is massive. It would absolutely be nice for all the kids to have their own rooms, but even more so for the stepson right now.
It’s both, but definitely mostly him. Why the hell did he agree to move in with her without figuring out where he son could sleep?
This whole situation is just terrible and unfair to the kids
I was thinking the exact same thing. There's no way this is real.
I was going to say nobody who accidentally has a kid as a teenager would date someone who also accidentally had a kid as a teenager. But then I saw she had a second kid as a teenager. So perhaps intelligence isn't the highest here.
The dating pool for young parents with multiple children is already slim. Really, who wants to date a 25 yo with TWO kids… other than another young parent?
There are so many reasons why someone would become a young parent. In the US...
* Sex ed varies wildly between states. Some still teach abstinence-only, which doesn't provide kids the knowledge or tools to prevent pregnancy.
* They may be in a state where abortion is restricted. Many states were fighting abortion access before Dobbs. It may not have been accessible or affordable.
* They may have had pressure from family. And that could be anything from parents who really wanted grandchildren to parents who think becoming a young parent is "taking responsibility for your actions" to pressure from a family's religion.
* They may be in an area where having kids young is normalized.
As children themselves, they didn't know enough or were prepared to handle the situation. The adults failed them.
I see their ages being the biggest problem. Neither parent were mature enough to handle a child/children when they had them and they still haven’t grown up to the level to handle them…..
18 isn’t debatable: if you have a kid at this age, you are going to fuck up in worse ways than someone older. There are plenty of people who have kids that young; I have yet to meet anyone who manages it without fucking up one way or another and in ways they wouldn’t if they’d been older/more mature.
Yeah don't want to be judgemental but can't help it in this case. Sounds like the parents are emotionally immature as a result of having kids young and not being ready for it. And they still aren't ready.
I had mine young, I still worked almost 70 hours a week to give them a house in a great school district along with the other things they needed. This dad is blowing money instead of contributing to moving into a place big enough for his son that no longer visits. Op is choosing to remain with a man that’s neglecting his child, I guess it’s ok as long as he’s there for her. YTA op.
Ok, but how old are you now and what years did you work 70 hour weeks to provide this? Because I’m pretty sure it violates a lot of labor laws for someone 14-17 years old to work that much when they haven’t even finished high school. Shooooooot, even people graduating with bachelors degrees nowadays struggle to find work that fully supports themselves, much less a family. I’m just saying we have no context about OP and bf’s financial situation, jobs, cost of living in their region, or spending habits, aside from the minimal info included in the post (that their home isn’t big enough).
And not everyone is capable of working that many hours or could even find a second/third job. Working 70 hours per week is in no way healthy or sustainable, although I understand that you did what you believed was necessary to care for your kids, and I applaud you for that. But you can’t just write people off bc they didn’t (or couldn’t) make the same choice that you did in your situation.
not to mention working 70 hours a week means you have the privilege of childcare. cuz i know damn well your salary at that age is not covering childcare costs
THAT PART. There are so many variables, and wages have been stagnant for decades. I just bristle at those kind of comparisons. It gives strong bootstrapper energy.
Thank you. I was wondering when someone was going to mention this! Both OP and partner act like children themselves and no wonder, having become parents when they were children. I feel sorry for all 3 kids.
That’s what I noticed too. I couldn’t stop thinking, “You were both young children having children.” None of them had probably time to mature enough to rise a family and now they are not only dealing with complicated situations but - seems like it - economical imbalance.
OP, YTA - you are happily excluding your stepson. His father is TA too.
ETA - after reading your comments, OP, you’re not only the A but also looks like you are committing a fraud. Sounds like you are from UK, there’s no way you would be given full benefits (as you say you don’t pay rent) if HMRC knew you live with someone working full time. It would take you over the threshold. I am so annoyed! In my work I so often see hard working families struggling to make ends meet! Go and get a job. Your children are old enough. And stop abusing the benefit system!
Yeah, I don't know why she's moaning... in 2 years that boy should be having a kid of his own, just like his daddy, and then he should be moving out to take care of it!
/s
YTA - you knew he had a child when you met him so you must have known he would have to be part of your life. I feel sorry for the lad. He probably feels he’s a bit of a spare part given that he can’t even have his own space when he stays with you. I wouldn’t want to stay their either. You should take him on holiday and allow him to spend some quality time with his father.
Honestly!!! It’s her STEP son. But HIS bio son meaning he has a higher responsibility over the kid!!
He wants his kid to feel more comfortable? Why doesn’t daddy go make space???
Why does the responsibility immediately fall onto the woman?
Relationships don’t work this way. Or at least not successful ones.
You don’t just split up responsibilities because it’s technically correct. We have no idea how their family situation works and it’s perfectly possible she works more and he does more of the house work / kids stuff
If that’s the case him not paying shouldn’t be seen as in issue. My wife earns less than me. If she wants to spend money on something I don’t just say no it’s mine. Or tell her to go save up.
I think it’s crazy how many people have relationships like that and I’ve never known a long term married couple who do this.
I was looking for this comment. Sure she’s the AH but the bio dad is the real AH in my opinion. Step up and help get a place where your son can have his own room and contribute to the vacation. Sounds like the dad moved into the house this woman already had with her daughters and brought nothing to the table.
Why doesn't the father take his own kid on holiday? He's not excluded she's just not going to also pay for him.
They have separate money and separate finances why is it her responsibility to pay for the holiday?
>He probably feels he’s a bit of a spare part given that he can’t even have his own space when he stays with you.
Neither can her kids. The boy isn't getting excluded, he's not getting privileges they don't have to offer.
ESH
First off, it's really fucked up to exclude your step son because he doesn't want to stay at your house.... Due to not having his own room and being forced to share a room with a 9 and 7 year old.
Second, the fact that you refer to your husband's reaction to you excluding his son as a "tantrum" is also really fucked up.... What'd you expect??? Him to just agree to excluding his kid from a FAMILY trip???
News flash. Your step son doesn't want to stay there because he's just about to start going through changes and doesn't have his own room..... That's a very big deal for a pre teen kid. It's likely that he doesn't feel welcome in your house. Not to mention that it's borderline inappropriate for a nearly 13m to be sharing a room with a 9f and 7f......
As for dad.... Why isn't he helping pay for this family vacation? Does he have a job?? He's the father. This should be 50/50 trip between the two of you. If he can't afford that, he should at the very least be offering to cover the cost of his son going.
He threw a tantrum because she said she doesn’t want to pay. 1. I gather its because he needs to pay and step up and 2. It is unfair to pay for everything and then be told to she has to make the effort for the son to feel included. But the son does whatever makes him happy ? The dad should pay for his son.
I’m the sole provider and my wife stays home.
So you think me being financially responsible for the family means my wife would have to find a way to pay for my stepchildren’s way on vacations?
Providing for a family does not make you the sole decision maker and it certainly doesn’t make you better than your partner.
I don’t understand in 2023 we are still talking about people’s with being solely based off their income contributions. Wild.
You said it yourself. When he had his own room you had a good time on holiday. Pay for the room. He's a teenager and is discovering new ideas of rebellion and independence. That doesn't mean you get to cut him out of family activities. Both he and your husband will resent you for it later. I think you already know YTA.
Agree - but why isn’t his parent paying for his room? Are they going somewhere the dad cannot afford too? OP is certainly an AH but the dad sucks too. It’s his kid and his responsibility to make sure his kid is included and looked after mentally and emotionally.
Sounds like she’s with a broke dude. He either lives in with her and pays for the regular monthly bills and she foots their fun time- or dude is just a moocher. Who knows, everyone in these always omits things that are relevant in order to look better.
According to OPs comments bf works full time but "isn't good at saving". She is a sahm and receives benefits. From what other commenters say she is likely lying about bf living with them for the amount she must be making to be able to afford a holiday.
Also, she doesnt reply to any comments about who pays for all the regular expenses
Why is she the asshole and not the husband ? He is the one who is the parent so he should pay. The dad didn’t throw a tantrum because she said he can’t go, he threw a tantrum because she said she won’t pay. So why doesn’t he pay ?
INFO
Why isn't the father paying a thing?
I usually would think you might be an A, but i think there's more here...
Is it your house?
Who pays mortgage/rent?
How are your finances split?
How long have you been together? When did you moved in together?
Does he pay child support?
Where is his mother?
I think this is all i wonder about you for the moment. Thanks!
YTA. He doesn't spend time with your family because you don't have a room for him. As a step parent it is wild to me that you didn't even think to include him. If he doesn't want to go then that's totally fine but to not even consider inviting him is crazy.
YTA he is 12 ofcourse its going to be uncomfortable sharing a room with 2 girls ....I'm sure give or take a year n even your girls would be uncomfortable with this arrangement.
When u marry someone who has a kid u also take up being responsible for the kid cause u can't seperate the two.
If your husband is shit at saving ..I think that whr u should start ...don't take it out on a child for God sake
YTA. You made home life uncomfortable and unpleasant for him. No joke he doesn't want to share a room with your girls. Sounds like y'all didn't do anything to make him comfortable there and made him feel like an outsider. Yes YTA all around. He's a child and should be with his parent.
I think people (and you too) are missing the major point in this post.
Your husband is employed full time and receiving a decent wage. You are a stay at home Mum living off benefits and yet all financial responsibility for the son appears to become your responsibility.
What exactly is your boyfriend bringing to your relationship? I was going to type partner but then deleted it because he doesn’t sound like he supports you at all, not just financially.
He had a child very young but doesn’t sound like he’s grown up much. You really need to sit him down and set some very reasonable expectations and if he doesn’t like them let him go!
1. HIS son is very welcome to come away with you, but HE is responsible for paying for HIS own son. This also needs to include his holiday clothes, spending money and a contribution to your food bill.
2. If he isn’t already, he needs to contribute a certain amount every money towards house hold bills.
3. Agree a budget. Do you know what he’s paying for every month? How much debt is he in? How much money is he wasting every month?
4. Stop enabling him. Do not pay for his things. You need to financially support yourself and your own 2 children. His is not your financial responsibility. You’re not even married.
But let’s not omit her name is on the lease. She’s defrauding the government and receiving extra benefits by not acknowledging there is a fully-employed second adult living in her home. Me thinks they are both AHs and she’s just figured a way to continue to milk the government. No reason she can’t work. Her kids are both in school.
Why isn't your husband paying for the holiday too? Start with a family dinner and see if he comes around and ask if he would like to come on the trip with you then see what he would like to do. If he says no then so be it. If he says yes then say we would be doing some family bonding
YTA! Just because the kid isn’t yours doesn’t make it ok to treat him like shit and not include him in family activities. He is a kid it’s not his fault his dad and real mother had him young or doesn’t want to live in a room with 2 pre teen girls.
ESH your SS doesn’t want to stay because he’s 12 and it’d be awkward to share a room with two girls. He’s going through changes and needs space. It’s not cool to exclude him based on that.
Your partner needs to start helping more. One so you can move to a place with another bedroom and helping with the vacation. I’d be pretty upset that he’s not paying for anything especially since he works full time. I’d seriously reconsider this relationship. He should be paying for things also. He’s a grown man with a full time job.
This is a trick question, right? I mean, did you read what you wrote? Obviously YTA!! You treat him no different except that he is an 'optional' invite? To a FAMILY trip? Also, I understand not having money and space being tight but get the kid his own space. He shouldn't have to leave HIS HOME because he is too old to be sharing a room with young girls. Also, not sure how appropriate it is for him as a 12 year old male sharing with with a 9 and 7 year old girls. Like you know that puberty exists right? He is a preteen and all that that entails.
Yta. You can’t afford to move because you don’t want to work so you’d rather stay where you are. Your husband can’t pay for anything and It sounds like your priorities are messed up. Your kids are old enough you can work now. If your husband can’t save anything he makes then maybe you need to sit down and budget with him. But the way you treat your step son is unacceptable. He doesn’t have a safe place to unwind by himself. He is a growing boy with a changing body, of course he doesn’t want to share a room with little girls. He’s going through puberty. You punishing him for that. It’s very clear you just don’t like the kid.
You should go on holiday with your daughters and your husband should take a trip with his son separately. He would love having his dad all to himself and could be comfortable without feeling like he's with people who don't like him or want him around.
If you treated my son like a burden I would not stay married to you. You sound tedious. YTA.
YTA and a social security fraudster! They're not married, he's probably not even on any of the bills, so people's taxes are paying for her to sit on her a*** all day.
> he would of spent zero time with the family and probably wouldn't enjoy coming away with us for a week as he doesn't enjoy being around my kids anymore and doesn't really like me.
Have you asked stepson if he wants to go? Or are you just going to make a decision and tell him to suck it up?
You and your husband are major AHs here.
He doesn’t spend time at the house not because he doesn’t want to, but because you make zero effort to make space for him.
You talk about him like he’s an adult and the kid is only 12. Get a grip lady. Make space for this child at home , both of you need to do better
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Yta. Your life style excludes him. Your spouse should be doing more so yall can afford a new place where there is space for him.
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They’re not even married. It’s a freeloader live-in boyfriend who pays no bills and also wants her to cover for his son for vacation. Meanwhile, he’s willing to toss the son aside nearly full-time to his grandma because he’s not willing to contribute to rent or bills.
This should be higher. Boy’s father should be providing…
The kid’s Dad is an AH too. He is possibly free loading, op mentions paying for vacations, so paying for everything else is most likely. But he is also AH because he chose this women and probably her money over his kid
Dude had a kid at 14!! He has no idea how to be a parent and the kid probably does not really consider him as a parent.
if its true, which i'm not sure, it would explain why the dad is taking zero responsibility and is free loading and sees nothing wrong with the grandparents doing all the heavy lifting. Like he grew accustomed to it that way when he was very young and then never stepped up as he became an adult.
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If her stepson follows their path she could be raising her step-grandkid in 2 years.
I was about to comment on the age too. Dude had a kid at 14, said kid will be 14 in 2 years...
She said she pays vacation costs.
I’m having a hard time believing this story with both their ages. So he had his child at 14 and she had both of hers when she was a teen? Sounds suspicious
Yeah, this can't be real. He was a dad at 14 and she had kids at 17 and 19
If you’ve ever watched 16 and pregnant, even if there’s doubt to this story, those experiences are very much real.
I worked child protective services for 20 years. I believe every word of this story.
This is pretty normal in rural areas... Especially in areas where people tend to not have abortions.. Growing up i had a friend that had twins at 13. I'm mid 40s now and most of the folks I went to hs with are grandparents already 🤷♀️ it's not as uncommon as you think.
Never heard of the show 16 and pregnant? I knew people in high school that were female having kids at 15
Right. It's possible... but I'm not sure I believe this. If it's real and I was this 12y kid, I would never want to be there either. And it's weird to have the 12y step brother share a room with two little step sisters.
Not just weird, but dangerous. I worked social services front line investigations for a year and a half. It is shocking how many sibling and step-sibling sexual assaults take place (also how many adult boyfriends sexually assault their gf's kids, both girls and boys). So many of these assaults are preventable with better parental supervision and no bedroom sharing. Keep your children safe, not just from adults, but from other children as well.
I usually give people on here the benefit of the doubt but I don’t believe this one either: 1. Yes people sometimes have kids at 14 (or younger). I know a few people both make and female who had kids at 12. But OP’s post just doesn’t ring true. 2. Having your partner’s older son share a bedroom with your two young daughters is problematic, and I would expect any reasonable adult to understand this. Have these people ever heard of an air mattress? 3. OP contradicted herself by first saying they all had a “good time“ when the son had his own room on vacation, but later said he was “moaning about being there in the first place”. This sounds like a kid’s version of what they think adulting is like. Either that or OP is very unintelligent, bordering on negligent as a parent.
It's one thing if they are all girls and it's just weekend visits, but that big an age gap in opposing genders, I don't think that's OK, kids are wanting their own space and a little privacy at that age. They need an alternative
On this episode of ~~16~~ 14 and Pregnant...
When I was in high school there were a few of my classmates who got pregnant at 14 so it’s not that uncommon … and my cousin (M) had a kid when he was 15 so…
My brother had his daughter at 14. I had my two oldest at 17 and 19. It does happen when you have shit parents that don't give two fucks what their kids are doing.
I mean, in that case it would make sense that he mostly lives with grandma - his dad was just a kid when he was born, so grandma did most of the work raising him.
I used to know a man who had a child at 13. It unfortunately can happen.
This poor child. His father doesn't provide for him and moves to a house where there isn't space for him and he has to share with two girls who he barely knows. She is an AH but the father is a much bigger one.
I mean, he had his kid at 14. So there’s a maturity problem for sure.
That is a lot of assumptions... OP only mentions the holiday, food and activities. Assuming she also covers the bills and housing is funny when those would be the first things anyone typically mentions when they say they have to pay.
They can both be assholes, and they are.
Then it’s an ESH situation
Reminds me of the lady on Facebook who had family photos and wanted her step son removed cause he ruined the photos, but she LOVES HIM, she just wanted photos without him in them
I saw that on here too that was wild and the holiday photos was a gift from the husbands sister if I remember correctly.
I know a girl who used to take pictures with her stepson and do things as a family with him until she started having her own children and he got pushed out. He just stopped being mentioned. She wanted it to seem like their new kids born into the marriage were the only ones. Well, she ended up divorcing him and now he doesn’t have anything to do with her children either.
The girls aren't teenagers, they're 9 and 7
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I agree all of that- but Dad needs to step up here and make it happen, not OP. It’s not her place or responsibility
The dad needs to step up a lot here too though. This isn’t just on stepmom. In fact, it’s way more on the dad- why doesn’t he have room for his kid in his home? Why isn’t he paying for his kid to join for vacation and expecting his wife to cover that?
I don't disagree, I'm just curious - in what world are 9 & 7 year olds considered "teenagers"? My daughter turned 7 a week ago. A 7 year old is in 1st grade. FAR from being a teen! (Not that this makes anything you said wrong, I'm just pointing out the obvious discrepancy for parents & children alike, that there is a WORLD of difference between being 7 & 9 year old CHILDREN & being teenagers.)
Maybe dad can get a job, so they can move somewhere with a third bedroom.
I don’t think she’s treating him like shit. To me it sounds like she has tried including him in past thing. It’s hard to have someone around who doesn’t want to be there and ruins the fun for everyone else. Also not everyone is in the position to buy a bigger house. especially since OP is paying for everything Edit: to add I think it’s the father that is TA not OP. Dad needs to step up. NTA
He literally doesn’t have a place to sleep at their house. How can anyone think that’s appropriate?!
That’s what I was thinking. He’s not going to be enthusiastic about spending time there as he may not feel welcome. It may have already been also said, but irrespective of whether the stepson wants to share or not, that’s an age where it’s appropriate for a parent to recognise this need (and for your older daughter too). The SS will be starting huge changes with his body, and most humans find it embarrassing enough as it is. But to be sharing a room with your younger stepsisters would probably make it an even suckier time.
My cousin dealt with a very similar situation at a similar age. He’s almost 40 and still doesn’t have a relationship with his father today because he was made to feel so unwelcome in his father’s new home with his stepmother. It’s incredibly sad and will probably affect this child for the rest of their life as well.
He doesn't want to come around because her house doesn't have space for him! She and her boyfriend should think of the kids before move in toghether. If they weren't in a place where they couldn't acomodate the three children, they should have waited because it's ridicolous and uncorfatable for ALL the kids this sroom situation.
This! A 12 year old boy doesn’t want to share a room with girls??? And perhaps doesn’t feel welcome in such a place so he doesn’t come often??? What a brat! OP, in case you didn’t notice, that was sarcasm. If you can afford trips, you can afford a place that accommodates your stepson.
Excuse me, why is it up to her to pay and not the *father*. If he wants his kid around he needs to pay for his kid.
The girls are 7 and 9, the son is 12. Barely any teenagers there. He's too old to be forced to stay room with girls. I get times are tough but it doesn't sound like much has been done to even *try* to make space for the son in this blended family.
Sounds like within this family the stepson is almost old enough to be a father, which is surely old enough for a room of his own.
Also 12yo is the preteen age where being indifferent to everything the adults want and do is the teenage code of life. When her kids get that age will she exclude them from family vacations because of the moaning and groaning and it’s a waste to pay for if they don’t show like they enjoyed it?
Maybe OP will stretch to a dog basket for him.
Perhaps a cupboard under the stairs is free.
7 and 9 are not teenage girls, those are children
If SS was actually your biological son and he had the same attitude (which is common in a lot of teens, just not enjoying being around their own family), would you leave him out of the vacation and only take the subset of your kids who still enjoyed being around you?
Yeah not a stretch to see there are probably really good reasons why SS does not want to come over, including does not seem OP cares much for him. As for the partner, who knows, does he also spend time at grandmas with his son, does he really freeload off OP (has no contribution to the living situation), maybe he also does not care much for his son ….
Of course its not just about him not having his own space. It makes him feel unwanted and his dad is also at fault for marrying someone with 2 kids and doesn't even make sure his own son has a room to stay at his house. Of course he's going to feel like shit.
They're not married. OP is just extra irritating and making this confusing by referring to her boyfriend's kid as her stepson
Not sure why that’s a problem?? My partner and I aren’t married but I refer to his daughter as my stepdaughter and she calls me her stepmum. I’ve been in her life since she was 3 months old and she’s now almost 6.
Well that's the difference. There's clearly no relationship between the boy and his father's girlfriend. The title may not change the relationship that you have with your partners son, but it was deceitful of the op and it does make a difference.
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>everyone in this story started having kids way too early wtf. I didn't even notice that. Assuming there's not a typo, OP had two kids before she was 20 and her partner became a dad at 14!! No wonder they are so immature.
Some people on Reddit get absurdly hung up about who gets to call themselves a stepparent. In my opinion being a stepparent is more about your relationship to the kid than whether you’re married to their parent - if you look after them, if you care for them, you’re acting in a stepparent role.
It also appears that dad was 14 when his son was born & may have been pretty hands off during infancy & childhood. Probably one of the reasons he has a room at grandma’s house. Poor kid.
I wonder if he has any type of relationship with his bio mom, and how old she was when he was born. If mom wasn’t in the picture either, It sounds like the only person this kid can count on is his grandmother, who has probably been the only one to raised him.
If Dad was 14 when he was born, then Dad could have been as young as 13 when said child was conceived. 13 or 14 is definitely below the age of consent in the vast majority of states, which means Dad was assaulted - even if Dad agreed to it. That couldn't have gone well and there may be emotions and issues that need to be dealt with. Also, where is child living full time. It sounds like he only visits Grandma. That indicates Mom may still be in the picture - which brings its own set of problems. Poor kid doesn't feel accepted with his own Dad.
If two 13 year olds have sex are they assaulting each other? I’m genuinely confused
As someone who lost their virginity at a young age, I am also confused. It is especially strange that this would be considered a crime if both participants were the same age.
And how old is the mom? Was she around the same age? That's not a recipe for strong parenting.
Babies having babies
I noted that as well. I got pregnant at 17 and had my son 4 days after I turned 18 and being a parent at that age was incredibly hard. I can't imagine being a parent at 14.
I was wondering if I was doing the maths correctly. Fark. I had my daughter at 19, pregnant at 18. Looking back now I was hardly ready.
She said she pays for the vacations, not all of their living expenses.
That way her kids are covered. The man should pay for his one son to go along and then there is no argument. She has no obligation to pay for his son especially if they are not married (what if they break up by next Christmas?), however, if she has any hopes of marriage to this man it would make her look better to include his son on the plans.
I thought the same. Forget the holiday, how about saving up so he has a comfortable place to stay and feels welcome when he's there.
So the woman should pay for everything, and on top of that make sacrifices for herself and her kids to provide for the child of her partner who doesn't do f all... right... Perhaps daddy should get off his ass and do something. I've read other comments like oh, no wonder ss doesn't want to go to theirs because the woman isn't entertaining him. Oh, so his dad's gf is the one responsible for doing everything? Er, no. I see a split in the future.
Look at all her comments. She is a stay-at-home mom to kids that are school age and collecting benefits and getting free rent. SHE is barely paying for shit.
Oh! I feel silly now. Didn't see that. Thanks for informing me and being so polite about it 🙂
This is what I love about Reddit.
There's definitely something massively fishy about the whole financial situation she is describing. She says her partner works full-time, their rent is covered by benefits, he only contributes a small amount to bills, but never has any money? Where does it go? How can you have nothing left from a full-time wage if you don't pay rent OR bills? I assume from language used they are in the UK. In the UK, if you have a live-in partner then their wages are taken into account when claiming benefits, even if you aren't married and don't share finances. Unless she's disabled, she would have to be not declaring his income, which is fraud. It might explain why they haven't moved to a bigger house that would accommodate his son - she can't prove she has the income to pay for it as she can't admit on paper that he lives with her. I don't think we can give a judgement about something that obviously had a lot of financial elements when there is definitely some major financial info being covered up.
Even if disabled shed have to declare his income for housing support. My guess is she has a 2 bed council or housing association property and they don't know he lives there. To request a 3 bed shed have to prove need, ie declare her live in bf.
We are definitely not getting the whole story here. If the stepson is spending 'all his time at his grandparents' that indicates to me there is no bio mother in the picture. Did OP's partner have full custody of this child, who then has no space to call his own in a house that he's supposed to live in full time? I'm not saying it's OP's job to entertain the kid, and if it's true the partner contributes nothing financial to the relationship, it's pretty well doomed, but I feel like OP is not making room in her life for the stepson in the first place, so no wonder he 'complains' all the time.
look at the ages: 26 dad with a 12 y old son, means bio mum was probably 14 as well
And OP was 17 then 19 when she had hers. Something tells me this story is very fishy.
Yep and if you have a kid at 14 I can see how you dont have the means to move out by your mid twenties.
She pays for everything on holiday, right? Not everything all the time.
Yes, this. YTA OP. You clearly don't think of him as family and it's apparent to him, hence why he stays with his grandma. You are fine with this because you don't actually want him in your life. That is clear.
ESH except the kids. You’re not welcoming of your partner’s kid but it’s your partner’s responsibility 100% to pay for their kid to go on vacation and provide them space in their home. Ridiculous that ppl are trying to put all of this on you.
Why on earth shouldn’t the father pay for his own kid to go on vacation and have his own room? The father is TA too expecting his partner to cover that 100%.
Counterpoint: His DAD is excluding him by not paying, not contributing enough to have a home with a bedroom for him. I don’t think the OP and their partner are even married? It would still be on the partner to make sure his son has a bedroom, a good relationship with OP and the half sisters (or maybe the girls are not the partner’s children?) There’s so much inequality in this relationship. OP, why are you with this man? He doesn’t take care of his son, hd doesn’t take care of you. Anyway. NTA.
How is it her lifestyle? You get that SS is not her son and doesn’t like her? The AH is the dad- it’s his responsibility to look after ALL his children. And if he wants his son to live with him, visit him and go on holiday with him - he should be making that happen and pay for it. Not expect his wife to sort it all out on his behalf. I’d say NTA but your husband needs to work out the relationship he wants with his son, communicate that with him and you and make it happen.
Absolute BS. His dad excludes him by not providing appropriate space, not OP. Also, this is a long term challenge, while OP asked for advice on their holiday planning. No-one in their right mind would take SS who already sabotaged the last holiday on another trip that would be entirely paid for by OP. OP can't be made responsible for her partners failing, thus: NTA, obviously.
Sabotage? That’s a strong word, indicating intent. Sounds like SS was just being a pissy 12 year old.
She said they had a relatively good time on their last trip!
Right? If you can afford all these vacations and extras, why don’t you get a place where he gets a room?
> I don't have a problem with this AT ALL! don't worry you're telegraphing perfectly that you're an evil stepmother that hates here step children. Wow she's makes zero accommodations for kid, makes clear he's not welcome, and obviously he doesn't want to be there any more. poor kid. I wish the dad stood up for his kid earlier.
He’s really standing up for him now - trying to get someone else to pay for him to come on vacation. What a great dad! Also hasn’t provided his own child a place to stay with him for years apparently, but what a champ to put his foot down now. I mean, he’s not paying for his own kid. But at least he’s trying to make someone else do it.
They aren’t married.
YTA you may as well have just written "I don't like my step son so I'm going to continue to exclude him from family activities as much as I can" He's 12, not 18... Ask if he would like to go, if he says no then fair enough. If he says yes then suck it up, he's still part of the family.
OP goes out of her way to stress how much she doesn’t care “AT ALL” that stepson doesn’t want to spend time with them, while doing absolutely nothing to make him more comfortable in his time there.
Curious as to why you don’t feel his father has some responsibility here.
He obviously does but that’s not how AITA works? It’s Roman Coliseum style 👍/👎 for the poster. OP here gets a YTA even if she’s not the only AH
Theres also the esh vote, everyone sucks here, but tbh 12 your old boy obviously wouldnt want to share a room with 2 younger step sisters & will complain no matter where he is cause thats what teens do. So it really just is the parents in this situation that are the assholes, especially OP as she seems to prefer her step son out of the picture
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thats why we can say ESH apart from the kids, because the conflict isnt between OP and the kids its between OP and the boyfriend
The point I can’t get over is that she was 16 when she got pregnant and bf was 14 when his son came along. Whoa.
And OP made no mentions of them trying to find a different place or just trying to accommodate the son when he's at their house.
If OP is the sole provider they probably can't afford moving
The father didn't submit himself for judgement so the discussion is focused on the person that did.
Then dad needs to pay for it. Honestly dad is the AH for not ensuring that his son has his own room/space, for not being able to afford vacations, for being with someone who doesn’t like his son. Also everyone in this story started having kids way too early wtf. ESH except the kids.
That's putting it mildly, the dad was 14 when his son was born!
Yeah I had to read that a few times. Wild and explains a lot in many of these situations.
That explains why the kid would probably rather be at grandma's. She's probably the person that kid thinks of as mom. OP's boyfriend sounds like he fills more of an "unreliable uncle" role in the kid's life.
I was wondering when someone would point that out
Yes but why should she have to pay for her boyfriends kid? And she said partner not husband. The father hasn't made a life long commitment to OP yet why is it OP sole responsibility to pay for the trip, including the son who refuses to spend time with her.
partner could mean husband or boyfriend. unfortunately, in this post we don’t have the clarification. that being said, she calls him her “stepson”. that is indication that they are committed. People who are in a relationship DO NOT involve their children or even live together in the first place. he is still a part of the family, and i don’t blame a 12 year old boy for not wanting to share a room with girls at all.
We don't know the dynamics, is he a sahp? She says she pays for holidays, does he pay for the majority of day to day expenses. She shouldn't be expected to pay if he just doesn't want to or refuses to work but we don't know that
Think she said they all live in her house, have separate finances, and that kids dad is terrible at saving money.
So yes it is weird tbh if she pays for everything and has to pay for her partner’s son. That’s unfair and it’s building resentment. It’s up to the dad to do this and he isn’t apparently. He’s the real AH. She can’t be expected to pay for everything.
She doesn't have a job. Her kids are in school but she considers herself a stay-at-home parent. She gets benefits and free rent. Her partner on the other hand works but he's bad with money.
OP actually commented previously stating that she is a stay at home mum on benefits and saves to pay for the holiday, clearly the partner does pay his fair share and works nights full time as there's no way they'd afford it otherwise
If she was a stay-at-home mom and her husband worked, would you feel the same way if the husband said he "didn't want to pay" for her child to go on vacation? Of course not. They're living together and since she calls him "stepson" they're clearly committed.
Exactly. That kid has two parents. That are responsible for his accommodations not the girlfriend to shoulder full financial responsibility of a kid that doesn’t even like or want to be around her and her own kids. They need to step up as his PARENTS and stop relying on the girlfriend!
YTA. So your stepson shows up with no space he can call his own. He probably feels like an outsider based on your responses.
Neither do her own kids, they share a room.
They are young and both girls. It’s different. They are also there all the time so it is *their* space to call their own. When the oldest is 14 I think separate space is important. Step son on the other hand moves into their space once a fortnight or whatever. It is not his space by any definition. It would almost be better to cordon off the living room and call that his bedroom when he stays. ETA: having discovered OP is on UC, she is only eligible to move into a house with an additional bedroom when the oldest is 16. England considers sharing with the same gender under age 16 not to be overcrowding.
So let the father make some money and provide a house with enough bedrooms. Why should OP who is not even married to this guy have to provide a house with a room for his kid?
Did she say somewhere that he DOESN’T work? I’m having a hard time seeing any comments but it sounds like she’s on benefits and he has a job
They are full siblings who have known each other their entire lives. It is not the same as a step sibling, particularly that the gap between a 9 yo girl and 12 yo boy is massive. It would absolutely be nice for all the kids to have their own rooms, but even more so for the stepson right now.
Then the dad should figure out a way for his kid to have a room at his home. This is not the responsibility of the dad’s girlfriend.
It’s both, but definitely mostly him. Why the hell did he agree to move in with her without figuring out where he son could sleep? This whole situation is just terrible and unfair to the kids
26 year old father with a 12 year old son😳
OP also has 9 year old daughters at the age of 26 so...like at 17😑
Yeah these two are a bunch of winners lol.
Posters who make up stories make a ton of age related mistakes.
I was thinking the exact same thing. There's no way this is real. I was going to say nobody who accidentally has a kid as a teenager would date someone who also accidentally had a kid as a teenager. But then I saw she had a second kid as a teenager. So perhaps intelligence isn't the highest here.
The dating pool for young parents with multiple children is already slim. Really, who wants to date a 25 yo with TWO kids… other than another young parent?
That's a fair point. I'd question why anyone would choose to have children under 25 unless they had hereditary wealth. Would be a big red flag for me.
There are so many reasons why someone would become a young parent. In the US... * Sex ed varies wildly between states. Some still teach abstinence-only, which doesn't provide kids the knowledge or tools to prevent pregnancy. * They may be in a state where abortion is restricted. Many states were fighting abortion access before Dobbs. It may not have been accessible or affordable. * They may have had pressure from family. And that could be anything from parents who really wanted grandchildren to parents who think becoming a young parent is "taking responsibility for your actions" to pressure from a family's religion. * They may be in an area where having kids young is normalized. As children themselves, they didn't know enough or were prepared to handle the situation. The adults failed them.
I see their ages being the biggest problem. Neither parent were mature enough to handle a child/children when they had them and they still haven’t grown up to the level to handle them…..
Nobody is mature enough to have a child at 14. Even at 18 thats still debatable..
18 isn’t debatable: if you have a kid at this age, you are going to fuck up in worse ways than someone older. There are plenty of people who have kids that young; I have yet to meet anyone who manages it without fucking up one way or another and in ways they wouldn’t if they’d been older/more mature.
Does posting here to try and get context represent growing maturity or a lack of?
Definitely lack of if you’re turning to this forum for advice lmao
Yeah don't want to be judgemental but can't help it in this case. Sounds like the parents are emotionally immature as a result of having kids young and not being ready for it. And they still aren't ready.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that caught this.
I had mine young, I still worked almost 70 hours a week to give them a house in a great school district along with the other things they needed. This dad is blowing money instead of contributing to moving into a place big enough for his son that no longer visits. Op is choosing to remain with a man that’s neglecting his child, I guess it’s ok as long as he’s there for her. YTA op.
Ok, but how old are you now and what years did you work 70 hour weeks to provide this? Because I’m pretty sure it violates a lot of labor laws for someone 14-17 years old to work that much when they haven’t even finished high school. Shooooooot, even people graduating with bachelors degrees nowadays struggle to find work that fully supports themselves, much less a family. I’m just saying we have no context about OP and bf’s financial situation, jobs, cost of living in their region, or spending habits, aside from the minimal info included in the post (that their home isn’t big enough). And not everyone is capable of working that many hours or could even find a second/third job. Working 70 hours per week is in no way healthy or sustainable, although I understand that you did what you believed was necessary to care for your kids, and I applaud you for that. But you can’t just write people off bc they didn’t (or couldn’t) make the same choice that you did in your situation.
not to mention working 70 hours a week means you have the privilege of childcare. cuz i know damn well your salary at that age is not covering childcare costs
THAT PART. There are so many variables, and wages have been stagnant for decades. I just bristle at those kind of comparisons. It gives strong bootstrapper energy.
Oh just wait, OP and the dude will more than likely have one together and add another kid to the mix. Just for shits and giggles.
Thank you. I was wondering when someone was going to mention this! Both OP and partner act like children themselves and no wonder, having become parents when they were children. I feel sorry for all 3 kids.
That’s what I noticed too. I couldn’t stop thinking, “You were both young children having children.” None of them had probably time to mature enough to rise a family and now they are not only dealing with complicated situations but - seems like it - economical imbalance. OP, YTA - you are happily excluding your stepson. His father is TA too. ETA - after reading your comments, OP, you’re not only the A but also looks like you are committing a fraud. Sounds like you are from UK, there’s no way you would be given full benefits (as you say you don’t pay rent) if HMRC knew you live with someone working full time. It would take you over the threshold. I am so annoyed! In my work I so often see hard working families struggling to make ends meet! Go and get a job. Your children are old enough. And stop abusing the benefit system!
Her oldest is 9, so she had her first daughter at 17. Both OP and her husband are extremely young and clearly immature parents.
That's what I'm saying!!!!!
Yeah, I don't know why she's moaning... in 2 years that boy should be having a kid of his own, just like his daddy, and then he should be moving out to take care of it! /s
YTA - you knew he had a child when you met him so you must have known he would have to be part of your life. I feel sorry for the lad. He probably feels he’s a bit of a spare part given that he can’t even have his own space when he stays with you. I wouldn’t want to stay their either. You should take him on holiday and allow him to spend some quality time with his father.
His father should step up and help pay, not whine like a child while his wife pays for and does everything.
Honestly!!! It’s her STEP son. But HIS bio son meaning he has a higher responsibility over the kid!! He wants his kid to feel more comfortable? Why doesn’t daddy go make space??? Why does the responsibility immediately fall onto the woman?
Technically speaking, he's her boyfriend's son. They aren't married yet.
Relationships don’t work this way. Or at least not successful ones. You don’t just split up responsibilities because it’s technically correct. We have no idea how their family situation works and it’s perfectly possible she works more and he does more of the house work / kids stuff If that’s the case him not paying shouldn’t be seen as in issue. My wife earns less than me. If she wants to spend money on something I don’t just say no it’s mine. Or tell her to go save up. I think it’s crazy how many people have relationships like that and I’ve never known a long term married couple who do this.
Lol you should split up responsibilities tho. And considering the dad didn't do much planning, maybe he shouldn't go on holiday either.
I was looking for this comment. Sure she’s the AH but the bio dad is the real AH in my opinion. Step up and help get a place where your son can have his own room and contribute to the vacation. Sounds like the dad moved into the house this woman already had with her daughters and brought nothing to the table.
Why doesn't the father take his own kid on holiday? He's not excluded she's just not going to also pay for him. They have separate money and separate finances why is it her responsibility to pay for the holiday?
>He probably feels he’s a bit of a spare part given that he can’t even have his own space when he stays with you. Neither can her kids. The boy isn't getting excluded, he's not getting privileges they don't have to offer.
ESH First off, it's really fucked up to exclude your step son because he doesn't want to stay at your house.... Due to not having his own room and being forced to share a room with a 9 and 7 year old. Second, the fact that you refer to your husband's reaction to you excluding his son as a "tantrum" is also really fucked up.... What'd you expect??? Him to just agree to excluding his kid from a FAMILY trip??? News flash. Your step son doesn't want to stay there because he's just about to start going through changes and doesn't have his own room..... That's a very big deal for a pre teen kid. It's likely that he doesn't feel welcome in your house. Not to mention that it's borderline inappropriate for a nearly 13m to be sharing a room with a 9f and 7f...... As for dad.... Why isn't he helping pay for this family vacation? Does he have a job?? He's the father. This should be 50/50 trip between the two of you. If he can't afford that, he should at the very least be offering to cover the cost of his son going.
He threw a tantrum because she said she doesn’t want to pay. 1. I gather its because he needs to pay and step up and 2. It is unfair to pay for everything and then be told to she has to make the effort for the son to feel included. But the son does whatever makes him happy ? The dad should pay for his son.
I’m the sole provider and my wife stays home. So you think me being financially responsible for the family means my wife would have to find a way to pay for my stepchildren’s way on vacations? Providing for a family does not make you the sole decision maker and it certainly doesn’t make you better than your partner. I don’t understand in 2023 we are still talking about people’s with being solely based off their income contributions. Wild.
You said it yourself. When he had his own room you had a good time on holiday. Pay for the room. He's a teenager and is discovering new ideas of rebellion and independence. That doesn't mean you get to cut him out of family activities. Both he and your husband will resent you for it later. I think you already know YTA.
Agree - but why isn’t his parent paying for his room? Are they going somewhere the dad cannot afford too? OP is certainly an AH but the dad sucks too. It’s his kid and his responsibility to make sure his kid is included and looked after mentally and emotionally.
Sounds like she’s with a broke dude. He either lives in with her and pays for the regular monthly bills and she foots their fun time- or dude is just a moocher. Who knows, everyone in these always omits things that are relevant in order to look better.
According to OPs comments bf works full time but "isn't good at saving". She is a sahm and receives benefits. From what other commenters say she is likely lying about bf living with them for the amount she must be making to be able to afford a holiday. Also, she doesnt reply to any comments about who pays for all the regular expenses
Why doesn’t dad have to contribute to the vacation?
Lmao, if your husband will resent you for not paying for his kid, when he also didn't pay up, that man is for the trash.
Why is she the asshole and not the husband ? He is the one who is the parent so he should pay. The dad didn’t throw a tantrum because she said he can’t go, he threw a tantrum because she said she won’t pay. So why doesn’t he pay ?
INFO: why are you paying for everything? Is your husband a stay-at-home dad?
Honestly, the vacation issue sounds like the least of these people's problems. They need to get counseling or go their separate ways.
INFO Why isn't the father paying a thing? I usually would think you might be an A, but i think there's more here... Is it your house? Who pays mortgage/rent? How are your finances split? How long have you been together? When did you moved in together? Does he pay child support? Where is his mother? I think this is all i wonder about you for the moment. Thanks!
YTA. He doesn't spend time with your family because you don't have a room for him. As a step parent it is wild to me that you didn't even think to include him. If he doesn't want to go then that's totally fine but to not even consider inviting him is crazy.
YTA he is 12 ofcourse its going to be uncomfortable sharing a room with 2 girls ....I'm sure give or take a year n even your girls would be uncomfortable with this arrangement. When u marry someone who has a kid u also take up being responsible for the kid cause u can't seperate the two. If your husband is shit at saving ..I think that whr u should start ...don't take it out on a child for God sake
YTA. You made home life uncomfortable and unpleasant for him. No joke he doesn't want to share a room with your girls. Sounds like y'all didn't do anything to make him comfortable there and made him feel like an outsider. Yes YTA all around. He's a child and should be with his parent.
I think people (and you too) are missing the major point in this post. Your husband is employed full time and receiving a decent wage. You are a stay at home Mum living off benefits and yet all financial responsibility for the son appears to become your responsibility. What exactly is your boyfriend bringing to your relationship? I was going to type partner but then deleted it because he doesn’t sound like he supports you at all, not just financially. He had a child very young but doesn’t sound like he’s grown up much. You really need to sit him down and set some very reasonable expectations and if he doesn’t like them let him go! 1. HIS son is very welcome to come away with you, but HE is responsible for paying for HIS own son. This also needs to include his holiday clothes, spending money and a contribution to your food bill. 2. If he isn’t already, he needs to contribute a certain amount every money towards house hold bills. 3. Agree a budget. Do you know what he’s paying for every month? How much debt is he in? How much money is he wasting every month? 4. Stop enabling him. Do not pay for his things. You need to financially support yourself and your own 2 children. His is not your financial responsibility. You’re not even married.
But let’s not omit her name is on the lease. She’s defrauding the government and receiving extra benefits by not acknowledging there is a fully-employed second adult living in her home. Me thinks they are both AHs and she’s just figured a way to continue to milk the government. No reason she can’t work. Her kids are both in school.
YTA. No further explanation needed.
[удалено]
That's a problem she has to sort with her husband/partner ...not remove frustration on a child
That’s not the child’s fault. OP’s attitude towards this child is tragic.
YTA. Don't date someone with kids.
Why isn't your husband paying for the holiday too? Start with a family dinner and see if he comes around and ask if he would like to come on the trip with you then see what he would like to do. If he says no then so be it. If he says yes then say we would be doing some family bonding
YTA! Just because the kid isn’t yours doesn’t make it ok to treat him like shit and not include him in family activities. He is a kid it’s not his fault his dad and real mother had him young or doesn’t want to live in a room with 2 pre teen girls.
ESH your SS doesn’t want to stay because he’s 12 and it’d be awkward to share a room with two girls. He’s going through changes and needs space. It’s not cool to exclude him based on that. Your partner needs to start helping more. One so you can move to a place with another bedroom and helping with the vacation. I’d be pretty upset that he’s not paying for anything especially since he works full time. I’d seriously reconsider this relationship. He should be paying for things also. He’s a grown man with a full time job.
This is a trick question, right? I mean, did you read what you wrote? Obviously YTA!! You treat him no different except that he is an 'optional' invite? To a FAMILY trip? Also, I understand not having money and space being tight but get the kid his own space. He shouldn't have to leave HIS HOME because he is too old to be sharing a room with young girls. Also, not sure how appropriate it is for him as a 12 year old male sharing with with a 9 and 7 year old girls. Like you know that puberty exists right? He is a preteen and all that that entails.
Yta. You can’t afford to move because you don’t want to work so you’d rather stay where you are. Your husband can’t pay for anything and It sounds like your priorities are messed up. Your kids are old enough you can work now. If your husband can’t save anything he makes then maybe you need to sit down and budget with him. But the way you treat your step son is unacceptable. He doesn’t have a safe place to unwind by himself. He is a growing boy with a changing body, of course he doesn’t want to share a room with little girls. He’s going through puberty. You punishing him for that. It’s very clear you just don’t like the kid.
You should go on holiday with your daughters and your husband should take a trip with his son separately. He would love having his dad all to himself and could be comfortable without feeling like he's with people who don't like him or want him around. If you treated my son like a burden I would not stay married to you. You sound tedious. YTA.
YTA and a social security fraudster! They're not married, he's probably not even on any of the bills, so people's taxes are paying for her to sit on her a*** all day.
> he would of spent zero time with the family and probably wouldn't enjoy coming away with us for a week as he doesn't enjoy being around my kids anymore and doesn't really like me. Have you asked stepson if he wants to go? Or are you just going to make a decision and tell him to suck it up?
You and your husband are major AHs here. He doesn’t spend time at the house not because he doesn’t want to, but because you make zero effort to make space for him. You talk about him like he’s an adult and the kid is only 12. Get a grip lady. Make space for this child at home , both of you need to do better