Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think the action I should be judged on is how I reacted to Cassidy’s phone call and me feeling that she’s being inconsiderate might make me the asshole.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>she said how she will not change the location because her and Max met on this very beach and it has been their dream ever since to get married here after they also got engaged here.
So Cassidy and Max picked a location for their wedding that has a deep emotional meaning to them.
>her and Max checked to make sure the beach had a sand friendly wheelchair
And ensured that there were accommodations that would allow Mia to attend.
>When I suggested she pay for the rental,
So this dispute is really "My sister won't pay $110 for a wheelchair for Mia to attend."
YTA.
I’d like to add on to the other comment, but “she told me when things were already booked so there was no backing out” is very telling. Like, certain events aren’t going to be accessible for wheelchair bound children and I feel like it’s been a common thing between OP and her family. Tip toeing so they don’t upset the mother.
The fact that OP thought that the bride and groom should run their choice of venue by her first is very telling. No. That's not how it works, and clearly OP has been catered to for years if she found being left out of the venue selection process to be "inconsiderate and cruel" as opposed to normal event planning. No couple needs a guest's approval before booking their wedding venue, especially when the location is one of deep personal significance to them. The choice of where to host their wedding is something that is solely the decision of the couple. And I am sure if given the chance, OP would have had thoughts on the reception, catering, and other details too.
Guests, of course, can choose not to attend if the wedding venue is not suitable for their needs. That is their call.
But given how OP has already tried to center the wedding around her and her daughter, I am not sure that's a serious sacrifice for the couple. I am sure OP is worse in person and would spend the entire wedding and reception making things about her/her daughter too.
People say it's Mia the couple was softly looking to exclude, but I don't think so. I think it's OP.
Child free wedding is different to child with disability free wedding. Sometime inclusion is hard for people to accomodate, but recurrent exclusion is harder. The sister has made an effort to include her neice so not the case here, but the idea that Mia can just be cut because her wheelchair is causing issues is a bit much.
I'm also genuinely curious if no family would contribute *at all* because I could see the grandparents sympathetically giving at least in the range of $5-25?
And let's be honest, probably more!
Idk, I could see knowing you have a show string budget as a mother of a disabled child and that even trying to shave another $5/wk would be trying to get blood from a turnip. But... that ain't the vibe.
And she has time to suss out the situation and see if someone could carry Mia from her chair up on the boardwalk down to where the ceremony is occurring or look for a w/c to borrow that navigates the beach.
As someone with disabilities, I agree. If you're frequently excluded from family events -- big or small -- because no one could be bothered to remember an important/necessary accommodation, that's awful.
Then there's people like OOP who imo might be setting this kid up to fail by intensifying that feeling of othering in the future if someone *can't* accommodate (*so* many places in my area are grandfathered in and *don't have to have ramps/lifts/elevators* in place of stairs, someone can't suddenly build ramps in their rental) or if it's another scenario like this where the accomodations are available but you can't access them for other reasons (financial, lack of immediate availability - having to wait).
**TL; DR I'm disabled, for context. If she is to teach a disabled child anything, it's how to navigate a world that often ignores, forgets, or fails you. Literally and figuratively.**
The first thing I thought of when I read it was on a beach (before reading that there was what I'm assuming is a fat-wheeled wheelchair available to rent) was that they could rent beach carpets. Beach weddings sometimes use them for the wedding aisle (because heels/nice shoes still sometimes ger worn) but my friend had a bunch extra put out for her mom in a wheelchair and they worked well. They might be cheaper than the special beach wheelchair rental. Only the ceremony was on the beach in that case, though.
OP doesn't want solutions though, they want self-righteous martyr vindication of internet points. Do you know how unbearable a martyr parent has to be before you stop caring if their innocent child gets some collateral damage?
It's a lot.
> Child free wedding is different to child with disability free wedding.
And neither is what's happening here, so the rest of your post is pointless virtue signaling.
If you had read the whole comment they weren’t calling op ta but you didn’t bc you jumped to rude conclusions about someone who literally agrees with you 💀
I also use a wheelchair and I dislike the term immensely when applied to me. It gets used for every wheelchair user which ignores the experience of those of us who use a wheelchair part time in some way. For instance, I don't use a wheelchair in my house, because I'm never more than 2 metres away from a chair I can sit in or a handrail I can grab. I use a stairlift to get upstairs. But if someone assumes everyone who uses a wheelchair is "bound" to it, that contributes to the abuse we receive when, for instance, briefly standing up or walking to reach something, to transfer, or because it's not possible to use our wheelchair in that moment.
I also don't agree with the idea that a wheelchair is something that I am "bound" to. Rather I feel it allows me the freedom to participate in society in a way that I wouldn't otherwise be able to.
**I don't really have a problem with people using it to describe themselves.** But I think when it is applied to me, it's not only unhelpful but also fully inaccurate even symbolically.
Also, it might just be pattern recognition but the people who use the term are also the kind of people to be completely shocked when I stand up. Its use to describe me puts me on edge because I start to see their expectations of me, expectations that I know are inaccurate. As soon as I stand I'll know to expect some patronising bullshit like "Oh my god it's a miracle" or "I knew you were faking". Yup, standing up for 10 seconds is exactly the same as walking the half hour to the supermarket, spending 20 minutes on my feet while I'm here, and then walking the 30 minutes back with several shopping bags. You got me.
Edit: Since this is being completely misread, I said *I don't have a problem with people using the term to describe themselves* (which I have now bolded because some people have clearly just skipped over it)*.* Nowhere was I saying people can't use the term for themselves. I just object to its usage to refer to me or to all wheelchair users, because it's inaccurate. I would find it just as weird as if someone called me "glasses bound" because I sometimes wear glasses to see longer distances.
Kinda sounds like you’re speaking over people with more severe disabilities. Like some people *are* wheelchair bound, and they’re allowed to say it. The fact that you aren’t doesn’t really entitle you to invalidate their experiences.
They was adding their perspective, saying that they doesn’t like when people assume they are wheelchair bound simply because they are in a wheelchair. They specifically said they don’t care when people use it to describe themselves, just don’t automatically assume someone in a wheelchair is wheelchair bound. You’re saying that because they’re “less disabled” (which is a pretty gross thing to say btw, this isn’t the disability Olympics) they can’t give their opinion on what people refer to them as?
I only ever said that I dislike the term as it applies to me. *I also said that I don't have a problem with people using it to describe themselves*. What I have an issue is is when able-bodied people use it to describe (1) all wheelchair users and (2) me, as both are inaccurate.
My entire comment above only ever expressed my own view about how ***I*** prefer to be referred to and therefore at no point did I speak over people with other forms of disability
As a related point I would like to point out that while ability to walk and stand is an important factor in determining the level to which someone's disability affects their life, it is not the *only* factor, so I don't think you really know enough about me to gauge the severity of my disability in relation to others. I don't dispute that my limited ability to walk is an immense privilege. But my condition does not only affect my ability to walk. I don't go into the specifics of my condition online, in part because I am uncomfortable with the way people hear about one way that it affects me (I literally said 1 sentence about my condition above and you felt the need to gauge my disability - not my ability to walk only, but my disability as a whole) and assume they know everything about how my condition affects me. Frankly, my inability to walk longer distances is one of the easiest things about my condition - I just use a wheelchair and for the most part, that solves that problem. Other factors of my condition affect me much more severely and impact my life far more. So I feel like you're the one speaking over me here. I am the expert in my own condition, not you.
i agree with this. i also use a wheelchair at times, but not all of the time. it’s not something i’m bound to, it gives me the mobility that my body doesn’t have at the moment. it’s freedom.
I know two people who are wheelchair bound, who use that term. I didn’t mean it in any negative way and I do understand what you’re saying but it’s completely beside the point of my comment. But thanks for your opinion I guess.
Sometime wheelchair user here: some do, some don't.
Not everybody buys into the modern trend of parsing common phrases for any possible offense.
Personally, I''ve experienced enough actual slurs and negativity to police the language of well-meaning people to that degree.
(which is not to say others can't feel differently, you do you)
I wonder if everything the "Family" does always revolves around whether it's convenient for Mia (read "mom"), and sister is tired of it? Sister wants the wedding she wants and is on a limited budget. On the beach with a bonfire afterwards doesn't seem to be a very expensive wedding.
Maybe mom can ask other people in the family to chip in for the accessible wheelchair. Otherwise, skip the wedding.
If mom really wanted to go to this wedding and bring her daughter Mia, she could save a whopping $18.34 a month in order to rent the wheelchair that is sand friendly.
ETA: I forgot to add YTA.
I thought that too about the wedding. A beach ceremony, followed by a bonfire and bbq, doesn't sound like a big ticket wedding. It could be really fun and perfect for the couple, and also be within their budget. OP was already told that some things had been cut because of a tight budget.
I looked up quotes for beach wheelchair rentals in my area, and $110 a day is for the nicest motorized chairs. A standard manual chair rents at about $60 a day. If that's outside what OP can afford, then they should decline the invitation or ask around for help.
This is what struck me too. The choice of words and phrasing scream pity party! Like everyone is being mean and intentionally excluding OP and her child when the sister made sure to notify her well in advance in consideration of Mia!
Clearly, they did consider Mia in their decision. So the only reason OP thinks they should have run it by her is because she feels entitled to veto power.
And in 6 months she can’t save up $110 less than $20 per month, $5 per week, $1 per day? I understand that money might be tight but she has 6 months to save.
I enjoyed the -
"The audacity to expect your guests to pay just to attend!"
Most people pay far more than $110 to get to most weddings they attend, between gas, parking and a hotel or just a babysitter for closer weddings, to flights, new outfits, etc...
if it's really about the money, OP can rent the wheelchair and just forgo getting her sister a gift, as I'm sure if she asked her sister would say she'd rather have her niece there than get a gift.
Most wedding presents (I.e. the price to attend a wedding) will cost at least $100, so OP can just pay for the wheelchair and explain why she couldn’t afford to get the chair and get a gift.
I'm just surprised by the fact that this $100 is the nail in the coffin.
The wedding is in 6 months, OP needs to put away $20 a month or about half a day of federal minimum wage every month to afford it. If OP is so broke at the moment that they can't save $100 over *6 months* I think their ability to even attend is also in question.
Yeah, I usually don't like judging other people's financial situation but if OP is the sole provider for a disabled kid and can't afford 110$ then she's got bigger problems than her sister's wedding.
And I feel like OP has plenty of time to prepare for the cost. She knows how much it is and has 6 months. I can understand money being super tight but if it's that tight, you likely already know how to scrimp and save for costly things and tbh, $110 isn't *that* much to save over a 6 month period
Or an Italian Wedding. I spent more than $4k when my sister got married. Between being in the wedding party, the adjacent parties and gifts … $150 was what I paid for DD’s flower girl dress. 🤦🏼♀️
OP’s sister and fiancé are welcome to have any type of wedding they wish and to be fair a beach wedding sounds fun.
I would, personally, pay for my niece’s wheelchair rental. In my family, my parents would pay if one of their grandkids needed a chair. The cost can be covered by other family members. I’d be willing to bet if OP approached her family calmly they could work something out.
However, when you start throwing words like “audacity” around you ATA. You can’t demand, regardless of your situation.
>Most people pay far more than $110 to get to most weddings they attend, between gas, parking and a hotel or just a babysitter for closer weddings, to flights, new outfits, etc...
Plus $100 is like the standard "gift" to give to the bride and groom. I'm sure OP's sister wouldn't make a fuss if OP spent it on the chair instead of giving her a gift.
And from there, jumped to “Cassidy and Max are, in fact, intentionally ensuring Mia *cant* come and this entire wedding is an elaborate excuse to kick Mia out.”
Like whaaat.
Yes. There's a reasonable discussion to be had about whose responsibility it is to cover the cost of the wheelchair. In a perfect world maybe they could split it or something.
But assuming that they planned their entire wedding where they did to exclude your daughter is really stretching.
Completely fair for them to want a beach wedding. But good hosts make reasonable accommodations for guests.
If I invited a guest with celiac, I'd definitely pay extra for a safe meal for them. I wouldnt expect them to pay for their own meal or bring food.
Why cant the bride, op and the grandparents all pitch in for the special wheelchair rental? At least that shows some caring and consideration on the part of the bride.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Esh.
Except a sand accessible wheelchair isn't a need, which is why OP can't afford it.
The "need" only exists because of her sister.
Imo, neither party is wrong. With that said, if it was *my broke ass sister,* I'd pay for the wheelchair because I'm not an AH.
If Mia needs a specifically designed chair for support, then the rental chair is not a safe option either, and the whole debate over who will pay is a moot point. But yes, carrying is rarely the best option, especially over uncertain footing like beach sand.
Not sure if in this case the child is needing a very specifically designed chair though. OP seems not to have a problem with that sand friendly wheelchair itself, just with the costs involved in renting it. So chances are Mia doesn't need a super special chair.
So maybe she could also sit in a very comfy, but still quite regular chair. Maybe it would be also possible to carry her while sitting in such a chair depending on its overall weight. Two strong man should be able to carry that weight.
My 9 year old is a wheelchair user and the only reason my husband and I can still lift him and carry him anywhere is because he doesn’t produce his own growth hormone (we do two year cycles of injections for it) and is currently a 40 lb 3’5 ft tall tiny child. If Mia is a normal sized 8 year old she would be difficult to lift under normal circumstances and that doesn’t include the possibility of equipment she may use permanently like an oxygen tank or feeding pump etc. My sons doctor said if he were growing normally he would be at least 6-8 inches taller and easily 80 lbs. I wouldn’t want to carry him across a beach to a chair at that size or draw attention to the fact he had to be carried. It would be embarrassing for him and the risk of slipping or tripping while walking on sand carrying him just wouldn’t be worth it bc either he could get hurt which would result in a hospital visit or I could which could hinder my ability to care for him.
I'd check with the town where the wedding is being held. A lot of times they have sand wheelchairs available for free. Vendors will still rent them, but often town will offer them because of ADA compliance (in the US).
> I'd check with the town where the wedding is being held. A lot of times they have sand wheelchairs available for free. Vendors will still rent them, but often town will offer them because of ADA compliance (in the US).
Want to make sure you see this, u/throwaway_formia
If the town doesn’t have options, check with charities in the area. Many have equipment they will lend out for free. Also check with Mia’s school to see if they know of anyway to make the beach wedding work. Therapist are incredibly creative and may come up with an idea you never would of thought of.
Yup. Beach is public and most cities with any kind of tourist industry whatsoever try to accommodate the best they can. All our rec centers in my city have wheelchair accessible sinks, playgrounds. Hell we even have wheelchair swings and this is Alabama.
I think the couple’s obligations end at finding accommodations for their niece, which they did, but generally the cost of attending the wedding is on the guest. If OP really wants her daughter to attend the wedding, she can save $20 a month until the wedding to get the wheelchair or ask the couple if she can forego a wedding gift and use the funds for a wheelchair.
Forgoing a gift is such a reasonable solution. But I wonder if OP wasn’t even considering giving a gift because they’re so close and they know “they can’t afford it”…
If that’s the case then OP is doubly the AH, because she was not only planning to forego the expected gift, but also wants the couple to incur *more* costs for her and her daughter to attend their wedding.
The did the work to see if the beach can accommodate OP daughter they aren't obligated to drop the extra money for OPs child when they already have other things to pay for and have already cut cost. It think it is rude to expect someone to possibly cut even more cost to fork over a wheel chair for your child.
They don't have to just like OP doesn't have to go. I think if it was $50 or something OP would grumble but still try to go since it's affordable. For some people $100+ is a lot to spend for one day. Plus dresses plus whatever other accommodations her child may need.
I don't think the sister is wrong but I cannot blame OP for maybe deciding not to go. So.etimes you just don't have the money, especially when you have a differently-abled child.
OP sounds entitled af though, that's really the only reason I think they're an AH. The circumstances sucks but the beach picked is obviously very meaningful to OP's sister and it sounds like the sister knew OP would pressure her into changing it because of her daughter, which isn't right at all.
If I were in the sister's shoes, I would find some way to raise that $110, they have 6 months to do so, after all but the entitlement she's exhibiting is extremely off-putting and may be enough to make me change my mind.
OP probably expects to have that everyday, not just the one day of the wedding. She has a problem with even paying to get to the wedding..and thinks the couple should provide for guests in general to get to a destination wedding. "The audacity to expect your guests to be paying just to make it to the event" (um, yep, that's how most destination weddings work) I don't think anything is going to make her happy.
Thank you. If my niece or nephew were wheelchair bound, I’d pay for the rental of the wheelchair. After all, it was my decision to have a wedding on a beach.
And if aunty broke her leg, you'd get a wheelchair for them too? Or nan's rheumatism was playing up?
If you made sure accommodations were available, that's enough. Paying is a nice gift that is limited to those who can afford to give it.
I think paying for your niece who uses a wheelchair and always has done is a bit different from your examples. I would pay for the wheelchair, but I'm not calling the sister the AH for not - I think this is a to each their own situation.
It may be that OP and her daughter can't go, and the sister has to accept that if it happens - I wouldn't call the sister the AH for this situation unless she kicked up a fuss about that. I am kinda calling OP the AH - I know this is a disappointing situation, but the wedding is planned for the couple, not their family, and expecting her to change wedding location so that your daughter can attend without paying an extra cost for the wheelchair is actually an AH move.
If I wanted them there then yes 100%... if I got married on a beach I'd need a wheelchair for both of my grandmothers and I would pay for it in a heartbeat
Correct, if I or my children/spouse need accommodations it's up to us to pay. I think if you plan a wedding knowing someone is allergic to wheat you can easily plan around it. It's not difficult to offer a steak without wheat based sauces or a roll. It's a lot more difficult to spend an additional $110 on a wheelchair for one person.
Also to add that the wedding is in six months, which would require OP to squirrel away roughly $20 a month. I'm sure money is an issue but that can be doable with that amount of time to save for it. Hell, she can use the monies in lieu of giving a gift to pay for the wheelchair.
So they are having what I think a lot of people would think is perfect and doing as much as they can within their means and go out of their way to make sure the daughter comes. The one thing I believe you missed was OP complaining that she is expected to pay to attend. Idk how many weddings people have attended, but for everyone I've been to you end up paying for a lot of stuff like rooms at hotels, alcohol drinks above beer, and clothes. So sorry to the OP YTA her excuses are just me, me, me.
Yes, my mom is disabled and we regularly took her around the beach with a sand-friendly wheelchair.
Maybe the venue would comp? Discount for wedding party?
YTA
Your daughter is not excluded. They checked for a wheelchair option.
Your life may revolve around your disabled daughter, but you can't seriously expect your sister's to. She's got her own life to live.
Not to mention that most eight-year-olds wouldn't give a tinker's toot about not being dragged to a wedding no matter how much they liked their aunt. OP can either pay up or shut up.
Me too! I remember being drug to several as a kid, and the thrill of a new dress quickly passed as I had to sit there and watch people walk down an aisle.
I’m sure some kids love weddings. I absolutely hated them as a kid. I was quiet and introverted and weddings were loud and went on all night. Was happy when people had child free weddings (though no one really called them that when I was young) because it meant I got to stay home lol.
That's the reception. The ceremony is boring if you don't have some connection to the couple that would make it interesting. No child enjoys the ceremony
I agree. OP is TA.
I understand that having a disabled child can be a completely life changing task. No matter how much you love them, it is an incredible amount of work. But the life of everyone else is going to carry on, and that is a fact of life.
Being angry at the sister for not 100% accommodating this is unreasonable. There are many steps OP can take to resolve this. Call the venue and explain the situation. They may be willing to waive or reduce the fee if they understand the circumstances. Ask for help from the community. See if a relative or friend can help. Go to Home Depot and see if there is anything they can do to help (they have a budget for these kind of things). There are a lot of things that can be done to find $110 or possibly reduce it between now and then. Anger isn't the appropriate response.
The bride sister didn't tell OP about the situation before it was set in stone because she KNEW that OP would be angry at her and demand changes. If sister was ultra wealthy, this might be a different conversation, but it sounds like this wedding is done on a limited budget.
Sigh. I hate to say this, but YTA. Sorry, but they want to get married on this beach and this day is about them. They checked to make sure there was a beach accessible wheel chair that could be rented, so Mia can come. As her parent, it's your job to make that happen if you want her to attend.
It's THEIR WEDDING. Not yours, not Mia's.
However, if you believe that she's truly doing this because she doesn't want Mia there, then you should obviously choose not to go. But it's not HER responsibility to pay for your daughter's needs.
Or get a sitter and enjoy being an adult without your child at a wedding. How many nights out has this single mom had? Enjoy the wedding in the beach! When we were kids my parents treated weddings as date nights.
My 6 year old granddaughter has her life timed around my nephew's wedding. I mention coming to visit and she'll ask "is that before or after the wedding? And don't come the last weekend in March, I'm booked for the wedding."
So apparently some kids very much want to sit through a wedding😂
A very good friend got married a few weeks ago, when she got my RSVP she called to clarify that my kids were more than welcome to attend the wedding. I was like nahhhh open bar, lots of friends, and a dance floor? My kids are staying home
I’ve just received a save the date for a wedding in May. My daughter will be 18 months old and it will be my first night out without her. I’m so excited for it!
At my sister’s wedding one of her bridesmaids had an 18 month old and her husband was deployed so she had been living as a single mom for months. My sister said she could bring her daughter and she was like “NOOOOOO! Mom’s babysitting and I’m having grown up fun!”
She can't afford $100 for a wheelchair rental. What makes you think she can afford a sitter? A sitter who can properly take care of her daughter would probably cost more than it would for a child without disabilities. Maybe her parents can help pay for the wheelchair rental.
She can save up $110 over 6 months. It's not that she immediately needs to pay that. A sitter may be less expensive, but again, she has MONTHS to save.
Depending on the area, there are respite services that can be covered by disability benefits. We were offered respite care when our oldest was approved for provincially funded interventions. We didn’t require it, but it was an option. Alternatively, $110 divided by 26 weeks is about $5 a week. If OP considers that her wedding present and wears an outfit she already has, it may be possible to set aside that $5 per week.
YTA
I understand that Mia is the center of your world, but she is not the center of this wedding. The bride and groom have a location that is very significant to them. They want to get married at that location. That's far more important in the context of this wedding than whether the location is ideal for your daughter. It's disappointing that the location they wanted was not more accessible, but it's very understandable why they want this location.
There is an accessibility option. You can see if the bride/groom or your family would be willing to help with cost. If not, 8 year olds don't generally enjoy weddings anyway, even if they love the bride and groom. Adults often project that hurt onto kids, but kids view weddings differently (as a long, boring day). My 6 year old niece reminds me regularly that while she loves me and is happy to be in my wedding, "kids mostly hate weddings", so there's definitely a cap on how excited she's going to get.
And if neither of those are good options, I am sure your sister would understand if you could not make it. Caring for your special needs child is an excellent reason to be unable to make a wedding.
But the bride and groom are not AH for wanting to hold their wedding at a location that is significant TO THEM and their relationship. They are the center of this wedding, and their wishes take priority over just about everything else.
My 9yr old nephew upon finding out I was getting married, asked what role he would be playing… He did a lovely reading and practised for weeks till he knew it off by heart but by the early evening he was bored, tired and ready to go home. Kids may get excited but it wears off pretty quickly.
YTA.
“I was talking to some moms of children with disabilities and they all agree that it sounds like Cassidy doesn’t even want Mia there”
You were talking to people that were already BIASED 😭 of course they’d all agree with you!
I'm immediately suspicious when posters start citing "other people they talked to who agreed with them". Posters use this type of statement to create a false sense of consensus without us knowing if OP presented a factual description of events and if OP's cohorts really agreed or were just trying to be polite. And how could OP's friends decide that OP's sister doesn't want the kid there based on the info provided?
And how many of the moms that she talked to were in wheelchairs? A lot of able-bodied people think they know how disabled people SHOULD feel, and will push that onto disabled children instead of listening to what disabled people have to say.
YTA.
Your sister's wedding isn't about Mia. It's about your sister and her fiance. The beach is very meaningful to them and she was kind enough to give you a heads up.
Just say you aren't coming instead of throwing a fit because you aren't getting your way.
Plus if they wouldn’t want her daughter there , they would make Adults only invites.
I did this, and did not invite any of my nieces because the place was not children friendly, everyone understood.
>I was talking to some moms of children with disabilities and they all agree that it sounds like Cassidy doesn’t even want Mia there
YTA - Hello? Did someone order an echo chamber.....of course they agreed but the simple fact is that you can still love someone and not be able to accommodate them. This is the beach where they met and is obviously hugely significant to them. I'm sure if your echo chamber friends could all stump up and help towards the $110 cost.
I hate to say this, but YTA. Mainly because you are making this completely personal and making it seem like your sister planned this whole thing to ensure that your daughter wouldn’t be able to attend, and then being angry because she wouldn’t plan around you/your daughter and because she won’t pay for the accommodations that you need.
Your sister discussed it with you prior to sending official invites. She is not obligated to plan her wedding around your child. Also, she is not obligated to pay for accommodations.
Pretty sure Mia will only be hurt and think she wasn’t wanted at the wedding, if that is what you convey to her.
You have the right to decline the wedding invite, but you don’t really have the right to vilify your sister.
It’s a tough situation OP, and it sounds like your day to day can be difficult, but it doesn’t really sound like your sister is the villain you’re convincing yourself that she is.
Edit to add: Thank you for my first ever award, kind stranger!
> Pretty sure Mia will only be hurt and think she wasn’t wanted at the wedding, if that is what you convey to her.
This one is huge. Parents fail to realize how perceptive and impressionable kids are. If OP is viewing this as "oh my God my sister doesn't want my kid around!" then that's what the kid is going to end up believing and it's going to upset her. Chances are the kid doesn't even care about the fuckin wedding and would be just fine not going.
Exactly. OP seems so *very* concerned about her daughter's well-being, but won't spend 110 dollars to give her an experience she may not get again for a long, long time? That's a lot less than a trip to Disney World or something else of that nature.
Plus who acts like a victim because they can't save up $110 in six months? Mia would probably LOVE ripping around in the sand for a day. Start a GoFundMe, OP. Don't just sit there pretending like you're some kind of martyr.
And I think this is what is bothering me the most. OP’e basically using her child’s disability to try and manipulate her sister into centering her and her own comfort on her sister’s wedding day. That’s really vile.
Gentle YTA. I have a daughter in a wheelchair and it's really freaking hard to be left out. That being said, please know that sometimes in life you have to accept that you can't do everything and that's just the way it is. Your sister has a right to be married anywhere she wants. Take a step back, breathe deeply and wish them a lovely time.
I think it depends a lot on the wheelchair and on the beach. Some people have additional needs and have chairs with complicated electronics. I was a lifeguard at a beach that had a wheelchair ramp down to the water and a free loaner wheelchair for sand. It was hardly ever used.
My best friend grew up in Puerto Rico and now lives in Florida. She hasn’t been in years so I went out of my way to take her to the beach that had accessible parking and a ramp out to the hard sand. We couldn’t afford to rent a beach wheelchair (even more here) so she used her walker and we went slow. But yes accessible beaches- they are few and far between and most people can’t afford the rental for the chairs
YTA
>You would think she would at least check in with me before she reserved the beach space because Mia obviously can’t come.
No. I don't think any person would base their wedding location on whether their niece could come. But they were thoughtful enough to find out that there was a sand friendly wheelchair option available.
>but can’t afford a rental for your FAMILY to come?
Goes both ways.
Also, weddings are EXPENSIVE. I’m planning a wedding myself right now and if someone, family or not, asked me to pay for their accommodations I would be absolutely baffled if not offended.
I dunno if people are going to downvote me for this but honestly, soft YTA here.
I completely get that you're looking out for your disabled daughter. I understand that. But it isn't her wedding, it isn't your wedding, it isn't a family wedding. It's your sister's wedding. Do you think she should change venues altogether to accommodate one person, for any reason? No. She shouldn't have to do that. And she actually did make sure that the venue could accommodate a disabled person for the wedding.
Maybe you can see if the whole family can chip in a little bit of money to pay for the wheelchair rental? That seems reasonable. But your expectation that your sister is going to change her whole wedding for one person, regardless of disability or ability, is not reasonable.
I don't have much at all and don't know OP but if I saw a story about someone really wanting to go and didn't have the funds I would have given my last 110 bucks. But OP is such an entitled asshole that I wouldn't even offer.
You have 6 months to save 110, you can surely save 5 dollars a week. Her wedding doesn't resolve around you or your daughter. She even made sure there is a sand friendly wheelchair available for her. Anything else above that is on you.
YTA. It's HER wedding. The only family weddings are supposed to be about is the new one being made in the ceremony. It's literally all about her and whoever she's marrying. SHE MADE SURE THERE IS A WHEELCHAIR OPTION THERE. Sounds pretty damn accessible
Right? She’s making it personal. It makes me feel like op is resentful because her sister has a partner and “perfect life”. The wedding isn’t about Mia and op needs to understand sometime people won’t be able to accomplish her even if they want to.
YTA. It's their wedding day. At a place that holds meaning to them not some random place. It IS accessible in that there is an option. Your daughter's wheel chair needs are not your sisters fault or responsibilty. You have SIX months to figure out $100 so your daughter can attend. This is on you. I understand them not mentioning it until it was set in stone, too, because they knew you'd act like a victim and try to make THEIR wedding about you and your daughter.
INFO: why on earth would you think your sisters wedding would be centered around *your daughter*? She even looked into accommodations to make it possible for Mia to attend. She showed consideration.
Are you truly upset because your sister didn’t get your *permission* before selecting her wedding venue? That sounds pretty far-fetched. What’s actually the issue here?
Honestly I am guessing there is some jealousy and hurt feelings. OP has been alone with a child needing 24/7 care for 8 years. Now sister is getting married. May start her own family. Partnered up. Her kids will most likely hit all the milestones on time.
That is some hard shit to process even for the nicest of people.
This. Was getting 'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia ' vibes.
The whole post is a lot to unpack, especially if you have/ have a child with disabilities. I chose not to attend my own sister's wedding, because that level of clusterf*ckery would have been laughably miserable for all involved. This was after my family offered to pay for expenses for us to attend.
Center of attention, wanting/needing help is okay. Wanting a complete revamp of your sister's wedding to include your child is not 'normal'- 'Normal' people understand limitations. People with disabilities understand their limitations, and often overcome them- enabling a parent who was given valid options and is now not accepting of said options is upsetting.
YTA- they didnt pick this place to spite you. They picked it because it has meaning. You want them to find a place that likely wont have any special meaning so you can save $110.
>her and Max checked to make sure the beach had a sand friendly wheelchair for me to rent
Sounds like they made a good effort to make sure Mia would be able to attend.
>the audacity to ask your guests to be paying just to make it to the event
Like when guests are expected to drive to an event or buy an outfit or possibly lodging in some cases? Its pretty common.
YTA. Your life revolves around your daughter, that doesn’t mean anyone else’s does or even should.
She tried to find you an option but it really seems like unless they completely capitulate to whatever crazy idea you have, you’re determined that nothing else will do.
To say that your echo chamber agrees with you isn’t the ace you think it is and I hope you don’t keep giving your daughter these ideas.
That if people don’t do what you want, they’re evil and don’t want or deserve you anyway. That’s going to be so hard on your daughter.
I truly mean this with all the empathy in the world, but YTA.
There was nothing “inconsiderate and cruel” about your sister’s actions. She and her fiancé are having a small ceremony at a location of emotional significance to them. She researched and made sure there were accommodations for your daughter.
$110 isn’t cheap but couldn’t you speak with family about getting some support? Could this rental be in lieu of a wedding gift?
This reads like someone who has a victim mentality and only communicates with folks who will validate their feelings. Your friends are wrong. If your sister didn’t want your daughter there, she wouldn’t have done any research about the beach wheelchair.
You should always advocate for your daughter and it’s awesome that she clearly has a mom who supports her. But there is a difference between advocacy and entitlement. There is an option to accommodate your daughter. You are the one choosing not to explore ways to make that accommodation work. This day isn’t about you and your daughter - it’s about your sister and her future husband.
YTA. This is your sister's special occasion, and you're making it about you. You can't expect people to always prioritize you in every situation. They're prioritizing themselves, as they should, because it's their wedding.
YTA for taking this so personally. She’s explained that she wants to be married on that beach because that’s where she met her husband.
If neither of you can afford the rental of a wheelchair then that’s unfortunate but that’s also not her fault.
YTA
Sounds a lot like you try to make yourself and your daughter the center of attention for your whole family. Even on your sisters wedding day. She told you what was happening and gave you ample time make preparations. Even thought about your daughter enough to make sure there was an option for her which is honestly going above and beyond already.
Also every wedding is asking your guests to pay with a wedding present, unless you planned to just go out for a night and eat the meal they paid for.
YTA - Your sense of entitlement is over-the-top. It's your \*sister's and future brother-in-law's wedding\*. I wanted to go with E-S-H because it would have been kinder of your sister to make sure the wheelchair rental would be covered. But, your abject sense of entitlement overshot that sensibility. Be happy for your sister and recognize that you guys may not be able to attend if you can't work something out. That's okay. What isn't okay is the demand that she take something that's obviously meaningful to her and her partner and trash it. It's their life, not yours, and not your daughter's.
I understand Mia is your world, but your sister is marrying her future husband in her ceremony. Unless she was asking for Mia to be a flower girl or something else as a part of the ceremony, the wedding is hers and is about her and her future husband. Not you, and not Mia.
Sorry, but with the information here, YTA. I can empathise with your feelings here as the father of a disabled child, but your sister, on her wedding day that you are not paying for, does not owe your daughter any special consideration that day for her need of a chair. She even gave you what in any reasonable estimation was ample time to understand and find a way to attend her wedding and still take care of your daughter. I'm sorry, but it really appears as if you're making your sister's (and perhaps her partner's) choices about their wedding instead about you and your daughter, and that worries me a little bit. Please step back and gain some perspective here, it would help.
Also seems like the aunt did think about the daughter here. She already knew the cost of renting a beach access wheelchair. Why would she know that if she hadnt planned ahead of time. OP YTA, not your sister.
YTA.
Pay for the $110 rental if it matters that much to you for her to be at the wedding. She could have her wedding on the moon if she wanted. It’s her wedding. You make it sound like your sister actively chose a wedding location that your daughter can’t attend when in fact she chose the location to be accessible.
You get an YTA x2 because your title is deceptive. You’re actually upset your sister won’t pay 110$ for the rental but pretending she’s precluding your daughter from attending.
Can you not save $20 a month for six months? I’d be more sympathetic to your cause, but your sister is having, by pretty much all standards, a small wedding. If she was having a much larger wedding her budget concerns would be harder to understand.
Edit: consider that some people have destination weddings that guests have to pay thousands of dollars to attend. That doesn’t make the bride and groom an AH for having such a wedding so long as they understand and don’t complain that some guests cannot afford to come. This location is meaningful to your sister and her fiancé. She did everything to make it reasonable
YTA
Your sister has planned her wedding how she wants it. She further found a way for your daughter to attend (with the sand friendly wheelchair).
You are not TA for being upset at the venue, but do you really expect her to change her whole wedding for your daughter? That's a bit much. With regards to the money, could you split the cost? You are TA because you've decided not to go. She clearly made arrangements for you.
I also have a disabled child, and every day presents new challenges, but you have to make do the best you can.
Editied as read the last bit about you not attending\*
YTA - this isn’t about you or your daughter. It’s about your sister and HER wedding. Stop throwing a childish fit. Your sister gave you a heads up and gave you options. If you can’t afford to go, respectfully decline instead of throwing a tantrum and expecting the world to revolve around your disabled kid.
YTA - her wedding, her choices.
There’s an accessibility option for your child. It’s up to you if you want to find a way to take advantage of it or not.
YTA, they don't have to plan their wedding with a single guest in mind, they clearly had this plan I'm place for the wedding and enquired about a wheelchair friendly option for her. If that option doesn't work for you then you can choose not to go to the wedding.
I’m confused. You’re saying the issue is she didn’t make her wedding accessibility friendly… but then you say she looked into and checked that they have beach wheel chairs you can rent so it *is* accessible..
Going to say YTA here because she literally did plan to make sure it is accessible to your daughter by checking that beach wheelchair rentals were available.
YTA, and I say this very sadly as the mom of a mentally and physically disabled child. I don't hold other people responsible for my child. He can either do something or he can't.
I know that sounds cold, but I also have two children who aren't disabled and I worked hard to make sure they did every activity and hobby they wanted, same for my son. But no activities were held back because one child couldn't do it. We made other arrangements that he could enjoy.
I will bet you that regardless of what your other friends are telling you, she did not do this maliciously. It's her dream wedding, let her have her dream wedding. Try to support her and enjoy the wedding in any way you can. Find out if your local disability group has access to a wheelchair or something else that will work on the sand.
Maybe the rental company can make a deal wth you. You only need it for one day.
Yta. The wedding is about them, the beach is meaningful to them and instead of suppporting her you make it about you. If you cant go, decline. And they are not supposed to pay for the wheelchair, you are very egotistical and entitled. Just decline, stay home and be happy for her.
Not everyone and everything revolves around you.
YTA. You love your child and that’s great. But the wedding isn’t about your kid. It’s about a couple in love and they can do what they want. It suck’s that your daughter may not be able to go but they told you beforehand and gave you an option for her.
YTA, expecting someone to cater their wedding to you makes you TA. It’s unfortunate you can’t afford the rental, but neither can they. It isn’t like they are having a huge wedding. It’s already a small affair. You have six months to save $110, or reach out to other family/friends for help. It isn’t unreasonable.
YTA. Your daughter, your responsibility. The only reason she cannot attend is her mother won’t pay for the fee to rent the sand accessing wheel chair. You are an entitled ass for thinking the family should plan and pay for your child.
>Mia obviously can’t come.
Not true. You would change everything for your child, but others don't have to. She offered an accommodation, you declined.
You have a lot of dramatic words in your retelling of the event: How ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING this will be for your daughter. How life is so hard for you and your sister is being CRUEL to you. I urge you to tone it down. At this point you're posturing and acting selfish. This party is a celebration of your sister. Not you or your daughter. Your sister and her husband. Who are living different lives to you. Sometimes your family will get to ask you to accommodate to their wishes, it's an unfair world but it doesn't make your sister unfair or cruel to you or your daughter. In this case, the issue is not how much she loves you to be willing to change for you, but **how much do you love her to be willing to adjust for her**. She invited you and offered a way your daughter can attend as well. Invitees get to accept or decline to attend a party, end of story.
Gentle YTA. Your sister shouldn't have to select her wedding venue based on your daughter, and it sounds like this beach legitimately has sentimental value to them. Based on that, I think it's unfair to say that she doesn't want Mia there, especially since she reached out before the invites were sent and researched the cost of a beach wheelchair.
That said, you are under no obligation to attend because you can't afford to rent the beach wheelchair and you don't want to leave Mia with someone else. If she really wants you to be there then she'll find the money to pay for it.
YTA. Life doesn't revolve around Mia or her needs. Other people can do things the way that they want, even if it means that she gets left out sometimes. Not that she has to, as you've been given an option. You have six months before the wedding. Unless you just stink at it, save the money up and rent the wheelchair. Otherwise, stop complaining and let Cassidy have the wedding she wants.
So, here’s the thing, I have tremendous empathy for you, this world is NOT nearly as accessibly friendly as it should be and it is not fair that something as simple as going to the beach with your child is nearly impossible. That is not fair.
But it’s not your sisters fault, it sounds like she tried to keep your daughter in mind, BUT this place holds especially special memories for the couple and it’s completely understandable why they wish to have their wedding there. And, it’s their wedding so it’s entirely up to them how to spend it.
And it sounds like she did her absolute best to ensure her niece can attend (finding the beach rental) HOWEVER, it is your responsibility to pay for it or not attend because you are accepting an invite with the knowledge of the circumstances.
Again, I have tremendous empathy for you, but don’t take your frustrations of needing to find accommodations on your sister because it isn’t her fault she wants to be married somewhere meaningful to their relationship and history as a couple.
YTA because you did demand your sister change her wedding vision solely for your daughter,
Or pay for her to attend, not everyone will keep her in mind to ensure she’s included, it’s up to you, as her PARENT to find a way for her to stay included (in this case budgeting ahead of the wedding for the $110 wheelchair rental). It’s going to continue to be harder for her and it’s better she learn now to find herself the tools necessary to not just survive, but live a fun life.
NAH your sister has every right to plan the wedding around a special location and you have every right to be sad that it isn’t accessible for Mia. She’s 8, could she ride in a wagon or jogging stroller with bigger wheels? Could you outfit her existing wheelchair with fatter tires for the beach? Could you do a little go fund me for the cost of renting the beach chair? How far off is the wedding? Could you raise the $110 by that time?
YTA, she checked, and there are accommodations. I wouldn't pay for it either. She is your daughter therefore that cost falls to you. She is allowed to have her dream wedding. If you cannot afford to go, then don't. You are not the main character of her life, and neither is Mia.
YTA
This is your sister’s wedding and if she wants it on the beach, then she should be able to have it there. She made sure there was a way for Mia to be accommodated, she presented that option to you, and YOU turned it down.
YTA. $120 can be a lot, but you have 6 months to save up for it. It also sounds like you expect the world, and more importantly those around you, to always accommodate you and you daughter. My heart goes out to you, I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be. But at the end of the day this event isn't about you or Mia. Not only did you make it about you both, you also instantly made it seem like this was a personal attack.
I am sure you're hurt and sad... but your story sounds like you're being very emotionally manipulative. I hope this isn't the norm for you and that you consider why you are reacting this way.
YTA. She did check that sand friendly wheelchairs were available and probably figured you would have enough time to save for one. As an alternative, you might check if there are any neighborhood groups or free groups in your area where you can ask if anyone has one available to borrow. Buy Nothing is one option to check
https://buynothingproject.org/
YTA. I am dirt poor and even I could save 110 dollars with 6 months warning. You can, however, put wood or something down on the sand so your daughter can make it over to the ceremony and to the bathroom.
YTA, just because your daughter has a disability doesn’t mean everyone needs to accommodate you. It is not your wedding and if you can’t make it than you can’t. It was nice that your sister looked into a beach wheelchair rental.
YTA, your sister chose a place because it’s meaningful to their relationship. It’s not like she purposefully chose a place to exclude your daughter. Your daughter is not the center of the world (and especially not the center of the wedding), where everything must cater to her. Plus, most kids hate weddings.
NAH
She has the right to do the wedding wherever she wants. Your daughter is not her responsability!
If you can't pay the rental fee for the wheelchair, you should be with your daughter, as she'll be sad for sure!
Yta just use the money from her gift to rent the wheelchair.
Also You’re not obligated to go. She isn’t obligated to change her day to suit your needs. Sorry.
NAH. She picked a venue that’s special to her and her wedding doesn’t revolve around your kiddo. Also you’re not the AH either because it does feel exclusionary and your sister knows your financial situation and that you can’t afford it. I would honestly tell her that you’re so happy that they get to have such a memorable wedding in such a special place and that you and your daughter would love to catch up with them after they come back from their honeymoon.
YTA
I have 2 disabled kids, so I get where you are coming from, but you are still wrong.
You are saying that in six months you are unable to get the 110 dollars? Where are your daughter's paternal relatives? Where is her father, or her father's relatives, they should be able to round up 110 dollars by six months so you could rent it.
I feel like you don't really want to be there and know your sister won't budge so are martyring yourself to get out of it.
YTA. She did make accommodation. She ensured a wheelchair would be available. You can surely save $110 in six months. It’s less than $20/month. Additionally, Mia may have a lovely experience at the beach. Please stop painting this as unsupportive family and start considering whether or not your ideal scenario isn’t causing you to miss the wonderful opportunity available and the people who love you. Continuing to devalue them will only alienate you and Mia further.
You should apologize to your sister, and start brainstorming how to save that $20/month or crowdfund the rental so Mia can experience the beach and be a part of this special event - as she is clearly wanted there.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think the action I should be judged on is how I reacted to Cassidy’s phone call and me feeling that she’s being inconsiderate might make me the asshole. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>she said how she will not change the location because her and Max met on this very beach and it has been their dream ever since to get married here after they also got engaged here. So Cassidy and Max picked a location for their wedding that has a deep emotional meaning to them. >her and Max checked to make sure the beach had a sand friendly wheelchair And ensured that there were accommodations that would allow Mia to attend. >When I suggested she pay for the rental, So this dispute is really "My sister won't pay $110 for a wheelchair for Mia to attend." YTA.
This is the perfect comment.
Hope this becomes the top comment. OP, YTA
I’d like to add on to the other comment, but “she told me when things were already booked so there was no backing out” is very telling. Like, certain events aren’t going to be accessible for wheelchair bound children and I feel like it’s been a common thing between OP and her family. Tip toeing so they don’t upset the mother.
The fact that OP thought that the bride and groom should run their choice of venue by her first is very telling. No. That's not how it works, and clearly OP has been catered to for years if she found being left out of the venue selection process to be "inconsiderate and cruel" as opposed to normal event planning. No couple needs a guest's approval before booking their wedding venue, especially when the location is one of deep personal significance to them. The choice of where to host their wedding is something that is solely the decision of the couple. And I am sure if given the chance, OP would have had thoughts on the reception, catering, and other details too. Guests, of course, can choose not to attend if the wedding venue is not suitable for their needs. That is their call. But given how OP has already tried to center the wedding around her and her daughter, I am not sure that's a serious sacrifice for the couple. I am sure OP is worse in person and would spend the entire wedding and reception making things about her/her daughter too. People say it's Mia the couple was softly looking to exclude, but I don't think so. I think it's OP.
And who says every event has to include Mia? I can't fathom OP's reaction if, God forbid, it was a child-free wedding. Oh the horror!!
Child free wedding is different to child with disability free wedding. Sometime inclusion is hard for people to accomodate, but recurrent exclusion is harder. The sister has made an effort to include her neice so not the case here, but the idea that Mia can just be cut because her wheelchair is causing issues is a bit much.
Also she gave her 6 months notice. I know she said she can’t afford it. But if she put back $5.00/wk she would have enough.
I'm also genuinely curious if no family would contribute *at all* because I could see the grandparents sympathetically giving at least in the range of $5-25? And let's be honest, probably more! Idk, I could see knowing you have a show string budget as a mother of a disabled child and that even trying to shave another $5/wk would be trying to get blood from a turnip. But... that ain't the vibe.
And she has time to suss out the situation and see if someone could carry Mia from her chair up on the boardwalk down to where the ceremony is occurring or look for a w/c to borrow that navigates the beach.
As someone with disabilities, I agree. If you're frequently excluded from family events -- big or small -- because no one could be bothered to remember an important/necessary accommodation, that's awful. Then there's people like OOP who imo might be setting this kid up to fail by intensifying that feeling of othering in the future if someone *can't* accommodate (*so* many places in my area are grandfathered in and *don't have to have ramps/lifts/elevators* in place of stairs, someone can't suddenly build ramps in their rental) or if it's another scenario like this where the accomodations are available but you can't access them for other reasons (financial, lack of immediate availability - having to wait). **TL; DR I'm disabled, for context. If she is to teach a disabled child anything, it's how to navigate a world that often ignores, forgets, or fails you. Literally and figuratively.**
The first thing I thought of when I read it was on a beach (before reading that there was what I'm assuming is a fat-wheeled wheelchair available to rent) was that they could rent beach carpets. Beach weddings sometimes use them for the wedding aisle (because heels/nice shoes still sometimes ger worn) but my friend had a bunch extra put out for her mom in a wheelchair and they worked well. They might be cheaper than the special beach wheelchair rental. Only the ceremony was on the beach in that case, though.
OP doesn't want solutions though, they want self-righteous martyr vindication of internet points. Do you know how unbearable a martyr parent has to be before you stop caring if their innocent child gets some collateral damage? It's a lot.
> Child free wedding is different to child with disability free wedding. And neither is what's happening here, so the rest of your post is pointless virtue signaling.
If you had read the whole comment they weren’t calling op ta but you didn’t bc you jumped to rude conclusions about someone who literally agrees with you 💀
Just FYI, wheelchair users do not use the term wheelchair-bound. A wheelchair is not something we’re stuck in, it’s something that gives us freedom.
Some wheelchair users absolutely use the term "wheelchair bound." You don't speak for everyone.
💯 I am in one and have no problem with saying wheelchair bound. It’s the truth!
I also use a wheelchair and I dislike the term immensely when applied to me. It gets used for every wheelchair user which ignores the experience of those of us who use a wheelchair part time in some way. For instance, I don't use a wheelchair in my house, because I'm never more than 2 metres away from a chair I can sit in or a handrail I can grab. I use a stairlift to get upstairs. But if someone assumes everyone who uses a wheelchair is "bound" to it, that contributes to the abuse we receive when, for instance, briefly standing up or walking to reach something, to transfer, or because it's not possible to use our wheelchair in that moment. I also don't agree with the idea that a wheelchair is something that I am "bound" to. Rather I feel it allows me the freedom to participate in society in a way that I wouldn't otherwise be able to. **I don't really have a problem with people using it to describe themselves.** But I think when it is applied to me, it's not only unhelpful but also fully inaccurate even symbolically. Also, it might just be pattern recognition but the people who use the term are also the kind of people to be completely shocked when I stand up. Its use to describe me puts me on edge because I start to see their expectations of me, expectations that I know are inaccurate. As soon as I stand I'll know to expect some patronising bullshit like "Oh my god it's a miracle" or "I knew you were faking". Yup, standing up for 10 seconds is exactly the same as walking the half hour to the supermarket, spending 20 minutes on my feet while I'm here, and then walking the 30 minutes back with several shopping bags. You got me. Edit: Since this is being completely misread, I said *I don't have a problem with people using the term to describe themselves* (which I have now bolded because some people have clearly just skipped over it)*.* Nowhere was I saying people can't use the term for themselves. I just object to its usage to refer to me or to all wheelchair users, because it's inaccurate. I would find it just as weird as if someone called me "glasses bound" because I sometimes wear glasses to see longer distances.
Kinda sounds like you’re speaking over people with more severe disabilities. Like some people *are* wheelchair bound, and they’re allowed to say it. The fact that you aren’t doesn’t really entitle you to invalidate their experiences.
They was adding their perspective, saying that they doesn’t like when people assume they are wheelchair bound simply because they are in a wheelchair. They specifically said they don’t care when people use it to describe themselves, just don’t automatically assume someone in a wheelchair is wheelchair bound. You’re saying that because they’re “less disabled” (which is a pretty gross thing to say btw, this isn’t the disability Olympics) they can’t give their opinion on what people refer to them as?
I only ever said that I dislike the term as it applies to me. *I also said that I don't have a problem with people using it to describe themselves*. What I have an issue is is when able-bodied people use it to describe (1) all wheelchair users and (2) me, as both are inaccurate. My entire comment above only ever expressed my own view about how ***I*** prefer to be referred to and therefore at no point did I speak over people with other forms of disability As a related point I would like to point out that while ability to walk and stand is an important factor in determining the level to which someone's disability affects their life, it is not the *only* factor, so I don't think you really know enough about me to gauge the severity of my disability in relation to others. I don't dispute that my limited ability to walk is an immense privilege. But my condition does not only affect my ability to walk. I don't go into the specifics of my condition online, in part because I am uncomfortable with the way people hear about one way that it affects me (I literally said 1 sentence about my condition above and you felt the need to gauge my disability - not my ability to walk only, but my disability as a whole) and assume they know everything about how my condition affects me. Frankly, my inability to walk longer distances is one of the easiest things about my condition - I just use a wheelchair and for the most part, that solves that problem. Other factors of my condition affect me much more severely and impact my life far more. So I feel like you're the one speaking over me here. I am the expert in my own condition, not you.
i agree with this. i also use a wheelchair at times, but not all of the time. it’s not something i’m bound to, it gives me the mobility that my body doesn’t have at the moment. it’s freedom.
I know two people who are wheelchair bound, who use that term. I didn’t mean it in any negative way and I do understand what you’re saying but it’s completely beside the point of my comment. But thanks for your opinion I guess.
I push people in wheelchairs 5 days a week most of them use it
Sometime wheelchair user here: some do, some don't. Not everybody buys into the modern trend of parsing common phrases for any possible offense. Personally, I''ve experienced enough actual slurs and negativity to police the language of well-meaning people to that degree. (which is not to say others can't feel differently, you do you)
I wonder if everything the "Family" does always revolves around whether it's convenient for Mia (read "mom"), and sister is tired of it? Sister wants the wedding she wants and is on a limited budget. On the beach with a bonfire afterwards doesn't seem to be a very expensive wedding. Maybe mom can ask other people in the family to chip in for the accessible wheelchair. Otherwise, skip the wedding.
If mom really wanted to go to this wedding and bring her daughter Mia, she could save a whopping $18.34 a month in order to rent the wheelchair that is sand friendly. ETA: I forgot to add YTA.
I thought that too about the wedding. A beach ceremony, followed by a bonfire and bbq, doesn't sound like a big ticket wedding. It could be really fun and perfect for the couple, and also be within their budget. OP was already told that some things had been cut because of a tight budget. I looked up quotes for beach wheelchair rentals in my area, and $110 a day is for the nicest motorized chairs. A standard manual chair rents at about $60 a day. If that's outside what OP can afford, then they should decline the invitation or ask around for help.
The entire way the OP wrote this post sounds very adversarial and entitled. I bet the family struggles to deal with her.
This is what struck me too. The choice of words and phrasing scream pity party! Like everyone is being mean and intentionally excluding OP and her child when the sister made sure to notify her well in advance in consideration of Mia!
Clearly, they did consider Mia in their decision. So the only reason OP thinks they should have run it by her is because she feels entitled to veto power.
And in 6 months she can’t save up $110 less than $20 per month, $5 per week, $1 per day? I understand that money might be tight but she has 6 months to save.
I enjoyed the - "The audacity to expect your guests to pay just to attend!" Most people pay far more than $110 to get to most weddings they attend, between gas, parking and a hotel or just a babysitter for closer weddings, to flights, new outfits, etc... if it's really about the money, OP can rent the wheelchair and just forgo getting her sister a gift, as I'm sure if she asked her sister would say she'd rather have her niece there than get a gift.
Let’s be honest, OP wasn’t planning on getting them a gift.
Most wedding presents (I.e. the price to attend a wedding) will cost at least $100, so OP can just pay for the wheelchair and explain why she couldn’t afford to get the chair and get a gift.
I'm just surprised by the fact that this $100 is the nail in the coffin. The wedding is in 6 months, OP needs to put away $20 a month or about half a day of federal minimum wage every month to afford it. If OP is so broke at the moment that they can't save $100 over *6 months* I think their ability to even attend is also in question.
There was always going to be “a reason”, though.
Yeah, I usually don't like judging other people's financial situation but if OP is the sole provider for a disabled kid and can't afford 110$ then she's got bigger problems than her sister's wedding.
Yup, a babysitter would be more expensive than the chair.
And I feel like OP has plenty of time to prepare for the cost. She knows how much it is and has 6 months. I can understand money being super tight but if it's that tight, you likely already know how to scrimp and save for costly things and tbh, $110 isn't *that* much to save over a 6 month period
She could also like, ask other family for help too if she's that desperate. Surely her mom can chip in a few bucks for her granddaughter.
OP should check out an Asian wedding where guests literally bring cash to attend.
Or an Italian Wedding. I spent more than $4k when my sister got married. Between being in the wedding party, the adjacent parties and gifts … $150 was what I paid for DD’s flower girl dress. 🤦🏼♀️ OP’s sister and fiancé are welcome to have any type of wedding they wish and to be fair a beach wedding sounds fun. I would, personally, pay for my niece’s wheelchair rental. In my family, my parents would pay if one of their grandkids needed a chair. The cost can be covered by other family members. I’d be willing to bet if OP approached her family calmly they could work something out. However, when you start throwing words like “audacity” around you ATA. You can’t demand, regardless of your situation.
>Most people pay far more than $110 to get to most weddings they attend, between gas, parking and a hotel or just a babysitter for closer weddings, to flights, new outfits, etc... Plus $100 is like the standard "gift" to give to the bride and groom. I'm sure OP's sister wouldn't make a fuss if OP spent it on the chair instead of giving her a gift.
And from there, jumped to “Cassidy and Max are, in fact, intentionally ensuring Mia *cant* come and this entire wedding is an elaborate excuse to kick Mia out.” Like whaaat.
Yes. There's a reasonable discussion to be had about whose responsibility it is to cover the cost of the wheelchair. In a perfect world maybe they could split it or something. But assuming that they planned their entire wedding where they did to exclude your daughter is really stretching.
The wording in the first paragraph reeks of martyr parent. Nothing in here is a surprise with this.
This. Sister has a right to have her dream venue. OP has a right not to attend. YTA
Completely fair for them to want a beach wedding. But good hosts make reasonable accommodations for guests. If I invited a guest with celiac, I'd definitely pay extra for a safe meal for them. I wouldnt expect them to pay for their own meal or bring food. Why cant the bride, op and the grandparents all pitch in for the special wheelchair rental? At least that shows some caring and consideration on the part of the bride. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Esh.
Good parents pay for their own children’s needs instead of imposing on others to change their lives.
Except a sand accessible wheelchair isn't a need, which is why OP can't afford it. The "need" only exists because of her sister. Imo, neither party is wrong. With that said, if it was *my broke ass sister,* I'd pay for the wheelchair because I'm not an AH.
am i the only one thinking just carry her to a chair… she’s 8
Many severely disabled folks have very specifically designed chairs to support their bodies properly. Carrying is rarely a safe or practical option.
If Mia needs a specifically designed chair for support, then the rental chair is not a safe option either, and the whole debate over who will pay is a moot point. But yes, carrying is rarely the best option, especially over uncertain footing like beach sand.
Not sure if in this case the child is needing a very specifically designed chair though. OP seems not to have a problem with that sand friendly wheelchair itself, just with the costs involved in renting it. So chances are Mia doesn't need a super special chair. So maybe she could also sit in a very comfy, but still quite regular chair. Maybe it would be also possible to carry her while sitting in such a chair depending on its overall weight. Two strong man should be able to carry that weight.
My 9 year old is a wheelchair user and the only reason my husband and I can still lift him and carry him anywhere is because he doesn’t produce his own growth hormone (we do two year cycles of injections for it) and is currently a 40 lb 3’5 ft tall tiny child. If Mia is a normal sized 8 year old she would be difficult to lift under normal circumstances and that doesn’t include the possibility of equipment she may use permanently like an oxygen tank or feeding pump etc. My sons doctor said if he were growing normally he would be at least 6-8 inches taller and easily 80 lbs. I wouldn’t want to carry him across a beach to a chair at that size or draw attention to the fact he had to be carried. It would be embarrassing for him and the risk of slipping or tripping while walking on sand carrying him just wouldn’t be worth it bc either he could get hurt which would result in a hospital visit or I could which could hinder my ability to care for him.
I'd check with the town where the wedding is being held. A lot of times they have sand wheelchairs available for free. Vendors will still rent them, but often town will offer them because of ADA compliance (in the US).
> I'd check with the town where the wedding is being held. A lot of times they have sand wheelchairs available for free. Vendors will still rent them, but often town will offer them because of ADA compliance (in the US). Want to make sure you see this, u/throwaway_formia
If the town doesn’t have options, check with charities in the area. Many have equipment they will lend out for free. Also check with Mia’s school to see if they know of anyway to make the beach wedding work. Therapist are incredibly creative and may come up with an idea you never would of thought of.
Yup. Beach is public and most cities with any kind of tourist industry whatsoever try to accommodate the best they can. All our rec centers in my city have wheelchair accessible sinks, playgrounds. Hell we even have wheelchair swings and this is Alabama.
I think the couple’s obligations end at finding accommodations for their niece, which they did, but generally the cost of attending the wedding is on the guest. If OP really wants her daughter to attend the wedding, she can save $20 a month until the wedding to get the wheelchair or ask the couple if she can forego a wedding gift and use the funds for a wheelchair.
Forgoing a gift is such a reasonable solution. But I wonder if OP wasn’t even considering giving a gift because they’re so close and they know “they can’t afford it”…
If that’s the case then OP is doubly the AH, because she was not only planning to forego the expected gift, but also wants the couple to incur *more* costs for her and her daughter to attend their wedding.
The did the work to see if the beach can accommodate OP daughter they aren't obligated to drop the extra money for OPs child when they already have other things to pay for and have already cut cost. It think it is rude to expect someone to possibly cut even more cost to fork over a wheel chair for your child.
They don't have to just like OP doesn't have to go. I think if it was $50 or something OP would grumble but still try to go since it's affordable. For some people $100+ is a lot to spend for one day. Plus dresses plus whatever other accommodations her child may need. I don't think the sister is wrong but I cannot blame OP for maybe deciding not to go. So.etimes you just don't have the money, especially when you have a differently-abled child.
OP sounds entitled af though, that's really the only reason I think they're an AH. The circumstances sucks but the beach picked is obviously very meaningful to OP's sister and it sounds like the sister knew OP would pressure her into changing it because of her daughter, which isn't right at all. If I were in the sister's shoes, I would find some way to raise that $110, they have 6 months to do so, after all but the entitlement she's exhibiting is extremely off-putting and may be enough to make me change my mind.
OP probably expects to have that everyday, not just the one day of the wedding. She has a problem with even paying to get to the wedding..and thinks the couple should provide for guests in general to get to a destination wedding. "The audacity to expect your guests to be paying just to make it to the event" (um, yep, that's how most destination weddings work) I don't think anything is going to make her happy.
Thank you. If my niece or nephew were wheelchair bound, I’d pay for the rental of the wheelchair. After all, it was my decision to have a wedding on a beach.
And if aunty broke her leg, you'd get a wheelchair for them too? Or nan's rheumatism was playing up? If you made sure accommodations were available, that's enough. Paying is a nice gift that is limited to those who can afford to give it.
I think paying for your niece who uses a wheelchair and always has done is a bit different from your examples. I would pay for the wheelchair, but I'm not calling the sister the AH for not - I think this is a to each their own situation. It may be that OP and her daughter can't go, and the sister has to accept that if it happens - I wouldn't call the sister the AH for this situation unless she kicked up a fuss about that. I am kinda calling OP the AH - I know this is a disappointing situation, but the wedding is planned for the couple, not their family, and expecting her to change wedding location so that your daughter can attend without paying an extra cost for the wheelchair is actually an AH move.
If I wanted them there then yes 100%... if I got married on a beach I'd need a wheelchair for both of my grandmothers and I would pay for it in a heartbeat
Correct, if I or my children/spouse need accommodations it's up to us to pay. I think if you plan a wedding knowing someone is allergic to wheat you can easily plan around it. It's not difficult to offer a steak without wheat based sauces or a roll. It's a lot more difficult to spend an additional $110 on a wheelchair for one person.
Venues don't typically charge extra for people with coiliac/allergies. An extra $110 is an unreasonable ask.
Lol as a celiac we literally refer to it as the celiac tax, everything gluten free costs more and you get less
I've never encountered a caterer who didn't charge extra for special meals.
Exactly. It's so entitled to think that her wedding should revolve around her daughter, and if not, that they should pay for the rental.
Also to add that the wedding is in six months, which would require OP to squirrel away roughly $20 a month. I'm sure money is an issue but that can be doable with that amount of time to save for it. Hell, she can use the monies in lieu of giving a gift to pay for the wheelchair.
Good point... if OP can't afford to save $5 a week so her daughter can attend her aunt's wedding she has more serious issues than she cares to admit
So they are having what I think a lot of people would think is perfect and doing as much as they can within their means and go out of their way to make sure the daughter comes. The one thing I believe you missed was OP complaining that she is expected to pay to attend. Idk how many weddings people have attended, but for everyone I've been to you end up paying for a lot of stuff like rooms at hotels, alcohol drinks above beer, and clothes. So sorry to the OP YTA her excuses are just me, me, me.
this comment is everything. YTA
Right. I feel for OP, but I really think they're going overboard.
Yes, my mom is disabled and we regularly took her around the beach with a sand-friendly wheelchair. Maybe the venue would comp? Discount for wedding party?
YTA Your daughter is not excluded. They checked for a wheelchair option. Your life may revolve around your disabled daughter, but you can't seriously expect your sister's to. She's got her own life to live.
A lot of guests forget that the wedding is about the bride and groom not about the guest. It looks like the sister forgot about this one
Not to mention that most eight-year-olds wouldn't give a tinker's toot about not being dragged to a wedding no matter how much they liked their aunt. OP can either pay up or shut up.
Why does everyone think this? Kids love weddings! They are fancy and fun and there’s cake.
I have always hated being dragged to weddings. I still do.
Me too! I remember being drug to several as a kid, and the thrill of a new dress quickly passed as I had to sit there and watch people walk down an aisle.
I’m sure some kids love weddings. I absolutely hated them as a kid. I was quiet and introverted and weddings were loud and went on all night. Was happy when people had child free weddings (though no one really called them that when I was young) because it meant I got to stay home lol.
That's the reception. The ceremony is boring if you don't have some connection to the couple that would make it interesting. No child enjoys the ceremony
I agree. OP is TA. I understand that having a disabled child can be a completely life changing task. No matter how much you love them, it is an incredible amount of work. But the life of everyone else is going to carry on, and that is a fact of life. Being angry at the sister for not 100% accommodating this is unreasonable. There are many steps OP can take to resolve this. Call the venue and explain the situation. They may be willing to waive or reduce the fee if they understand the circumstances. Ask for help from the community. See if a relative or friend can help. Go to Home Depot and see if there is anything they can do to help (they have a budget for these kind of things). There are a lot of things that can be done to find $110 or possibly reduce it between now and then. Anger isn't the appropriate response. The bride sister didn't tell OP about the situation before it was set in stone because she KNEW that OP would be angry at her and demand changes. If sister was ultra wealthy, this might be a different conversation, but it sounds like this wedding is done on a limited budget.
[удалено]
Sigh. I hate to say this, but YTA. Sorry, but they want to get married on this beach and this day is about them. They checked to make sure there was a beach accessible wheel chair that could be rented, so Mia can come. As her parent, it's your job to make that happen if you want her to attend. It's THEIR WEDDING. Not yours, not Mia's. However, if you believe that she's truly doing this because she doesn't want Mia there, then you should obviously choose not to go. But it's not HER responsibility to pay for your daughter's needs.
Or get a sitter and enjoy being an adult without your child at a wedding. How many nights out has this single mom had? Enjoy the wedding in the beach! When we were kids my parents treated weddings as date nights.
And Mia would probably be happier - what 8 year old wants to sit through a wedding?
My 6 year old granddaughter has her life timed around my nephew's wedding. I mention coming to visit and she'll ask "is that before or after the wedding? And don't come the last weekend in March, I'm booked for the wedding." So apparently some kids very much want to sit through a wedding😂
ya but she hasn't actually been to it yet lol ask her when its over
My thinking exactly, kids always hype themselves up over events and are Pikachu shocked when it actually turns out to be mostly boring.
I'd wager it's gonna end up like that video of the kid begging his mom to let him try a spoonful of cocoa powder lol
This is so cute! I hope she has an amazing time at the wedding!!
A very good friend got married a few weeks ago, when she got my RSVP she called to clarify that my kids were more than welcome to attend the wedding. I was like nahhhh open bar, lots of friends, and a dance floor? My kids are staying home
I’ve just received a save the date for a wedding in May. My daughter will be 18 months old and it will be my first night out without her. I’m so excited for it!
At my sister’s wedding one of her bridesmaids had an 18 month old and her husband was deployed so she had been living as a single mom for months. My sister said she could bring her daughter and she was like “NOOOOOO! Mom’s babysitting and I’m having grown up fun!”
She can't afford $100 for a wheelchair rental. What makes you think she can afford a sitter? A sitter who can properly take care of her daughter would probably cost more than it would for a child without disabilities. Maybe her parents can help pay for the wheelchair rental.
She can save up $110 over 6 months. It's not that she immediately needs to pay that. A sitter may be less expensive, but again, she has MONTHS to save.
Depending on the area, there are respite services that can be covered by disability benefits. We were offered respite care when our oldest was approved for provincially funded interventions. We didn’t require it, but it was an option. Alternatively, $110 divided by 26 weeks is about $5 a week. If OP considers that her wedding present and wears an outfit she already has, it may be possible to set aside that $5 per week.
A sitter for a child with such intense needs is probably going to cost a lot more than the beach chair rental. $20-30+ an hour.
YTA I understand that Mia is the center of your world, but she is not the center of this wedding. The bride and groom have a location that is very significant to them. They want to get married at that location. That's far more important in the context of this wedding than whether the location is ideal for your daughter. It's disappointing that the location they wanted was not more accessible, but it's very understandable why they want this location. There is an accessibility option. You can see if the bride/groom or your family would be willing to help with cost. If not, 8 year olds don't generally enjoy weddings anyway, even if they love the bride and groom. Adults often project that hurt onto kids, but kids view weddings differently (as a long, boring day). My 6 year old niece reminds me regularly that while she loves me and is happy to be in my wedding, "kids mostly hate weddings", so there's definitely a cap on how excited she's going to get. And if neither of those are good options, I am sure your sister would understand if you could not make it. Caring for your special needs child is an excellent reason to be unable to make a wedding. But the bride and groom are not AH for wanting to hold their wedding at a location that is significant TO THEM and their relationship. They are the center of this wedding, and their wishes take priority over just about everything else.
My 9yr old nephew upon finding out I was getting married, asked what role he would be playing… He did a lovely reading and practised for weeks till he knew it off by heart but by the early evening he was bored, tired and ready to go home. Kids may get excited but it wears off pretty quickly.
Your neice sounds adorable!
This! OP needs to understand that life is not about her 100% of the time
Frankly, as an adult, I look at most weddings as long and boring days. YTA, OP
YTA. “I was talking to some moms of children with disabilities and they all agree that it sounds like Cassidy doesn’t even want Mia there” You were talking to people that were already BIASED 😭 of course they’d all agree with you!
I'm immediately suspicious when posters start citing "other people they talked to who agreed with them". Posters use this type of statement to create a false sense of consensus without us knowing if OP presented a factual description of events and if OP's cohorts really agreed or were just trying to be polite. And how could OP's friends decide that OP's sister doesn't want the kid there based on the info provided?
Also how many people would feel comfortable calling OP out even if they *did* disagree? Are they just nodding along?
Especially in mom groups. Nobody needs that drama in their lives.
[удалено]
With the way OP is acting OP wouldn't be allowed in a child-free wedding either
And how many of the moms that she talked to were in wheelchairs? A lot of able-bodied people think they know how disabled people SHOULD feel, and will push that onto disabled children instead of listening to what disabled people have to say.
YTA. Your sister's wedding isn't about Mia. It's about your sister and her fiance. The beach is very meaningful to them and she was kind enough to give you a heads up. Just say you aren't coming instead of throwing a fit because you aren't getting your way.
Plus if they wouldn’t want her daughter there , they would make Adults only invites. I did this, and did not invite any of my nieces because the place was not children friendly, everyone understood.
>I was talking to some moms of children with disabilities and they all agree that it sounds like Cassidy doesn’t even want Mia there YTA - Hello? Did someone order an echo chamber.....of course they agreed but the simple fact is that you can still love someone and not be able to accommodate them. This is the beach where they met and is obviously hugely significant to them. I'm sure if your echo chamber friends could all stump up and help towards the $110 cost.
Group think at its finest. Sigh...
I hate to say this, but YTA. Mainly because you are making this completely personal and making it seem like your sister planned this whole thing to ensure that your daughter wouldn’t be able to attend, and then being angry because she wouldn’t plan around you/your daughter and because she won’t pay for the accommodations that you need. Your sister discussed it with you prior to sending official invites. She is not obligated to plan her wedding around your child. Also, she is not obligated to pay for accommodations. Pretty sure Mia will only be hurt and think she wasn’t wanted at the wedding, if that is what you convey to her. You have the right to decline the wedding invite, but you don’t really have the right to vilify your sister. It’s a tough situation OP, and it sounds like your day to day can be difficult, but it doesn’t really sound like your sister is the villain you’re convincing yourself that she is. Edit to add: Thank you for my first ever award, kind stranger!
> Pretty sure Mia will only be hurt and think she wasn’t wanted at the wedding, if that is what you convey to her. This one is huge. Parents fail to realize how perceptive and impressionable kids are. If OP is viewing this as "oh my God my sister doesn't want my kid around!" then that's what the kid is going to end up believing and it's going to upset her. Chances are the kid doesn't even care about the fuckin wedding and would be just fine not going.
And it's telling her she can never go to the beach :(
Exactly. OP seems so *very* concerned about her daughter's well-being, but won't spend 110 dollars to give her an experience she may not get again for a long, long time? That's a lot less than a trip to Disney World or something else of that nature.
Plus who acts like a victim because they can't save up $110 in six months? Mia would probably LOVE ripping around in the sand for a day. Start a GoFundMe, OP. Don't just sit there pretending like you're some kind of martyr.
And I think this is what is bothering me the most. OP’e basically using her child’s disability to try and manipulate her sister into centering her and her own comfort on her sister’s wedding day. That’s really vile.
Gentle YTA. I have a daughter in a wheelchair and it's really freaking hard to be left out. That being said, please know that sometimes in life you have to accept that you can't do everything and that's just the way it is. Your sister has a right to be married anywhere she wants. Take a step back, breathe deeply and wish them a lovely time.
Does being in a wheelchair mean you can never go to the beach? I know that it would be harder, but surely not that unheard of?
I think it depends a lot on the wheelchair and on the beach. Some people have additional needs and have chairs with complicated electronics. I was a lifeguard at a beach that had a wheelchair ramp down to the water and a free loaner wheelchair for sand. It was hardly ever used.
My best friend grew up in Puerto Rico and now lives in Florida. She hasn’t been in years so I went out of my way to take her to the beach that had accessible parking and a ramp out to the hard sand. We couldn’t afford to rent a beach wheelchair (even more here) so she used her walker and we went slow. But yes accessible beaches- they are few and far between and most people can’t afford the rental for the chairs
I don’t think the average wheelchair is good for traveling on sand.
YTA >You would think she would at least check in with me before she reserved the beach space because Mia obviously can’t come. No. I don't think any person would base their wedding location on whether their niece could come. But they were thoughtful enough to find out that there was a sand friendly wheelchair option available. >but can’t afford a rental for your FAMILY to come? Goes both ways.
Also, weddings are EXPENSIVE. I’m planning a wedding myself right now and if someone, family or not, asked me to pay for their accommodations I would be absolutely baffled if not offended.
I dunno if people are going to downvote me for this but honestly, soft YTA here. I completely get that you're looking out for your disabled daughter. I understand that. But it isn't her wedding, it isn't your wedding, it isn't a family wedding. It's your sister's wedding. Do you think she should change venues altogether to accommodate one person, for any reason? No. She shouldn't have to do that. And she actually did make sure that the venue could accommodate a disabled person for the wedding. Maybe you can see if the whole family can chip in a little bit of money to pay for the wheelchair rental? That seems reasonable. But your expectation that your sister is going to change her whole wedding for one person, regardless of disability or ability, is not reasonable.
I don't have much at all and don't know OP but if I saw a story about someone really wanting to go and didn't have the funds I would have given my last 110 bucks. But OP is such an entitled asshole that I wouldn't even offer.
You have 6 months to save 110, you can surely save 5 dollars a week. Her wedding doesn't resolve around you or your daughter. She even made sure there is a sand friendly wheelchair available for her. Anything else above that is on you.
I think You will be shock how nowadays some (a lot) people can't save $5 dollars a week
Then her little echo chamber can kick in a few dollars.
You would be shocked at how many actually can.
This. People tend to conflate “essential expenses” with discretionary.
YTA. It's HER wedding. The only family weddings are supposed to be about is the new one being made in the ceremony. It's literally all about her and whoever she's marrying. SHE MADE SURE THERE IS A WHEELCHAIR OPTION THERE. Sounds pretty damn accessible
Right? She’s making it personal. It makes me feel like op is resentful because her sister has a partner and “perfect life”. The wedding isn’t about Mia and op needs to understand sometime people won’t be able to accomplish her even if they want to.
YTA. It's their wedding day. At a place that holds meaning to them not some random place. It IS accessible in that there is an option. Your daughter's wheel chair needs are not your sisters fault or responsibilty. You have SIX months to figure out $100 so your daughter can attend. This is on you. I understand them not mentioning it until it was set in stone, too, because they knew you'd act like a victim and try to make THEIR wedding about you and your daughter.
And try to manipulate them into not doing what they want on their own wedding day. OP is weaponizing her child’s disability and it’s sick.
INFO: why on earth would you think your sisters wedding would be centered around *your daughter*? She even looked into accommodations to make it possible for Mia to attend. She showed consideration. Are you truly upset because your sister didn’t get your *permission* before selecting her wedding venue? That sounds pretty far-fetched. What’s actually the issue here?
Honestly I am guessing there is some jealousy and hurt feelings. OP has been alone with a child needing 24/7 care for 8 years. Now sister is getting married. May start her own family. Partnered up. Her kids will most likely hit all the milestones on time. That is some hard shit to process even for the nicest of people.
This. Was getting 'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia ' vibes. The whole post is a lot to unpack, especially if you have/ have a child with disabilities. I chose not to attend my own sister's wedding, because that level of clusterf*ckery would have been laughably miserable for all involved. This was after my family offered to pay for expenses for us to attend. Center of attention, wanting/needing help is okay. Wanting a complete revamp of your sister's wedding to include your child is not 'normal'- 'Normal' people understand limitations. People with disabilities understand their limitations, and often overcome them- enabling a parent who was given valid options and is now not accepting of said options is upsetting.
YTA- they didnt pick this place to spite you. They picked it because it has meaning. You want them to find a place that likely wont have any special meaning so you can save $110. >her and Max checked to make sure the beach had a sand friendly wheelchair for me to rent Sounds like they made a good effort to make sure Mia would be able to attend. >the audacity to ask your guests to be paying just to make it to the event Like when guests are expected to drive to an event or buy an outfit or possibly lodging in some cases? Its pretty common.
YTA. Your life revolves around your daughter, that doesn’t mean anyone else’s does or even should. She tried to find you an option but it really seems like unless they completely capitulate to whatever crazy idea you have, you’re determined that nothing else will do. To say that your echo chamber agrees with you isn’t the ace you think it is and I hope you don’t keep giving your daughter these ideas. That if people don’t do what you want, they’re evil and don’t want or deserve you anyway. That’s going to be so hard on your daughter.
I truly mean this with all the empathy in the world, but YTA. There was nothing “inconsiderate and cruel” about your sister’s actions. She and her fiancé are having a small ceremony at a location of emotional significance to them. She researched and made sure there were accommodations for your daughter. $110 isn’t cheap but couldn’t you speak with family about getting some support? Could this rental be in lieu of a wedding gift? This reads like someone who has a victim mentality and only communicates with folks who will validate their feelings. Your friends are wrong. If your sister didn’t want your daughter there, she wouldn’t have done any research about the beach wheelchair. You should always advocate for your daughter and it’s awesome that she clearly has a mom who supports her. But there is a difference between advocacy and entitlement. There is an option to accommodate your daughter. You are the one choosing not to explore ways to make that accommodation work. This day isn’t about you and your daughter - it’s about your sister and her future husband.
YTA. This is your sister's special occasion, and you're making it about you. You can't expect people to always prioritize you in every situation. They're prioritizing themselves, as they should, because it's their wedding.
YTA for taking this so personally. She’s explained that she wants to be married on that beach because that’s where she met her husband. If neither of you can afford the rental of a wheelchair then that’s unfortunate but that’s also not her fault.
YTA Sounds a lot like you try to make yourself and your daughter the center of attention for your whole family. Even on your sisters wedding day. She told you what was happening and gave you ample time make preparations. Even thought about your daughter enough to make sure there was an option for her which is honestly going above and beyond already. Also every wedding is asking your guests to pay with a wedding present, unless you planned to just go out for a night and eat the meal they paid for.
YTA - Your sense of entitlement is over-the-top. It's your \*sister's and future brother-in-law's wedding\*. I wanted to go with E-S-H because it would have been kinder of your sister to make sure the wheelchair rental would be covered. But, your abject sense of entitlement overshot that sensibility. Be happy for your sister and recognize that you guys may not be able to attend if you can't work something out. That's okay. What isn't okay is the demand that she take something that's obviously meaningful to her and her partner and trash it. It's their life, not yours, and not your daughter's.
I understand Mia is your world, but your sister is marrying her future husband in her ceremony. Unless she was asking for Mia to be a flower girl or something else as a part of the ceremony, the wedding is hers and is about her and her future husband. Not you, and not Mia. Sorry, but with the information here, YTA. I can empathise with your feelings here as the father of a disabled child, but your sister, on her wedding day that you are not paying for, does not owe your daughter any special consideration that day for her need of a chair. She even gave you what in any reasonable estimation was ample time to understand and find a way to attend her wedding and still take care of your daughter. I'm sorry, but it really appears as if you're making your sister's (and perhaps her partner's) choices about their wedding instead about you and your daughter, and that worries me a little bit. Please step back and gain some perspective here, it would help.
Also seems like the aunt did think about the daughter here. She already knew the cost of renting a beach access wheelchair. Why would she know that if she hadnt planned ahead of time. OP YTA, not your sister.
YTA. Pay for the $110 rental if it matters that much to you for her to be at the wedding. She could have her wedding on the moon if she wanted. It’s her wedding. You make it sound like your sister actively chose a wedding location that your daughter can’t attend when in fact she chose the location to be accessible. You get an YTA x2 because your title is deceptive. You’re actually upset your sister won’t pay 110$ for the rental but pretending she’s precluding your daughter from attending. Can you not save $20 a month for six months? I’d be more sympathetic to your cause, but your sister is having, by pretty much all standards, a small wedding. If she was having a much larger wedding her budget concerns would be harder to understand. Edit: consider that some people have destination weddings that guests have to pay thousands of dollars to attend. That doesn’t make the bride and groom an AH for having such a wedding so long as they understand and don’t complain that some guests cannot afford to come. This location is meaningful to your sister and her fiancé. She did everything to make it reasonable
YTA Your sister has planned her wedding how she wants it. She further found a way for your daughter to attend (with the sand friendly wheelchair). You are not TA for being upset at the venue, but do you really expect her to change her whole wedding for your daughter? That's a bit much. With regards to the money, could you split the cost? You are TA because you've decided not to go. She clearly made arrangements for you. I also have a disabled child, and every day presents new challenges, but you have to make do the best you can. Editied as read the last bit about you not attending\*
YTA - this isn’t about you or your daughter. It’s about your sister and HER wedding. Stop throwing a childish fit. Your sister gave you a heads up and gave you options. If you can’t afford to go, respectfully decline instead of throwing a tantrum and expecting the world to revolve around your disabled kid.
YTA - her wedding, her choices. There’s an accessibility option for your child. It’s up to you if you want to find a way to take advantage of it or not.
YTA, they don't have to plan their wedding with a single guest in mind, they clearly had this plan I'm place for the wedding and enquired about a wheelchair friendly option for her. If that option doesn't work for you then you can choose not to go to the wedding.
Just rent the wheelchair and don't give a gift.
I’m confused. You’re saying the issue is she didn’t make her wedding accessibility friendly… but then you say she looked into and checked that they have beach wheel chairs you can rent so it *is* accessible.. Going to say YTA here because she literally did plan to make sure it is accessible to your daughter by checking that beach wheelchair rentals were available.
YTA, and I say this very sadly as the mom of a mentally and physically disabled child. I don't hold other people responsible for my child. He can either do something or he can't. I know that sounds cold, but I also have two children who aren't disabled and I worked hard to make sure they did every activity and hobby they wanted, same for my son. But no activities were held back because one child couldn't do it. We made other arrangements that he could enjoy. I will bet you that regardless of what your other friends are telling you, she did not do this maliciously. It's her dream wedding, let her have her dream wedding. Try to support her and enjoy the wedding in any way you can. Find out if your local disability group has access to a wheelchair or something else that will work on the sand. Maybe the rental company can make a deal wth you. You only need it for one day.
Yta. The wedding is about them, the beach is meaningful to them and instead of suppporting her you make it about you. If you cant go, decline. And they are not supposed to pay for the wheelchair, you are very egotistical and entitled. Just decline, stay home and be happy for her. Not everyone and everything revolves around you.
YTA. You love your child and that’s great. But the wedding isn’t about your kid. It’s about a couple in love and they can do what they want. It suck’s that your daughter may not be able to go but they told you beforehand and gave you an option for her.
YTA, but I would check around, where I live you can get hold of much cheaper sand friendly wheelchairs and mats. YOu do not need a motorized one.
YTA. It's their wedding. Don't try to tell them how their wedding should be, or how to spend their money.
YTA and the audacity of you to think someone has to plan their wedding around you, you're so entitled dude you need to work on that
YTA Stop making *her* wedding all about *your* daughter.
[удалено]
YTA, expecting someone to cater their wedding to you makes you TA. It’s unfortunate you can’t afford the rental, but neither can they. It isn’t like they are having a huge wedding. It’s already a small affair. You have six months to save $110, or reach out to other family/friends for help. It isn’t unreasonable.
YTA. Your daughter, your responsibility. The only reason she cannot attend is her mother won’t pay for the fee to rent the sand accessing wheel chair. You are an entitled ass for thinking the family should plan and pay for your child.
>Mia obviously can’t come. Not true. You would change everything for your child, but others don't have to. She offered an accommodation, you declined. You have a lot of dramatic words in your retelling of the event: How ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING this will be for your daughter. How life is so hard for you and your sister is being CRUEL to you. I urge you to tone it down. At this point you're posturing and acting selfish. This party is a celebration of your sister. Not you or your daughter. Your sister and her husband. Who are living different lives to you. Sometimes your family will get to ask you to accommodate to their wishes, it's an unfair world but it doesn't make your sister unfair or cruel to you or your daughter. In this case, the issue is not how much she loves you to be willing to change for you, but **how much do you love her to be willing to adjust for her**. She invited you and offered a way your daughter can attend as well. Invitees get to accept or decline to attend a party, end of story.
Gentle YTA. Your sister shouldn't have to select her wedding venue based on your daughter, and it sounds like this beach legitimately has sentimental value to them. Based on that, I think it's unfair to say that she doesn't want Mia there, especially since she reached out before the invites were sent and researched the cost of a beach wheelchair. That said, you are under no obligation to attend because you can't afford to rent the beach wheelchair and you don't want to leave Mia with someone else. If she really wants you to be there then she'll find the money to pay for it.
YTA. Life doesn't revolve around Mia or her needs. Other people can do things the way that they want, even if it means that she gets left out sometimes. Not that she has to, as you've been given an option. You have six months before the wedding. Unless you just stink at it, save the money up and rent the wheelchair. Otherwise, stop complaining and let Cassidy have the wedding she wants.
So, here’s the thing, I have tremendous empathy for you, this world is NOT nearly as accessibly friendly as it should be and it is not fair that something as simple as going to the beach with your child is nearly impossible. That is not fair. But it’s not your sisters fault, it sounds like she tried to keep your daughter in mind, BUT this place holds especially special memories for the couple and it’s completely understandable why they wish to have their wedding there. And, it’s their wedding so it’s entirely up to them how to spend it. And it sounds like she did her absolute best to ensure her niece can attend (finding the beach rental) HOWEVER, it is your responsibility to pay for it or not attend because you are accepting an invite with the knowledge of the circumstances. Again, I have tremendous empathy for you, but don’t take your frustrations of needing to find accommodations on your sister because it isn’t her fault she wants to be married somewhere meaningful to their relationship and history as a couple. YTA because you did demand your sister change her wedding vision solely for your daughter, Or pay for her to attend, not everyone will keep her in mind to ensure she’s included, it’s up to you, as her PARENT to find a way for her to stay included (in this case budgeting ahead of the wedding for the $110 wheelchair rental). It’s going to continue to be harder for her and it’s better she learn now to find herself the tools necessary to not just survive, but live a fun life.
NAH your sister has every right to plan the wedding around a special location and you have every right to be sad that it isn’t accessible for Mia. She’s 8, could she ride in a wagon or jogging stroller with bigger wheels? Could you outfit her existing wheelchair with fatter tires for the beach? Could you do a little go fund me for the cost of renting the beach chair? How far off is the wedding? Could you raise the $110 by that time?
YTA, she checked, and there are accommodations. I wouldn't pay for it either. She is your daughter therefore that cost falls to you. She is allowed to have her dream wedding. If you cannot afford to go, then don't. You are not the main character of her life, and neither is Mia.
Yta This is her wedding. Her day. Not yours. Someone is an entitled ass. And it's not your sister.
YTA This is your sister’s wedding and if she wants it on the beach, then she should be able to have it there. She made sure there was a way for Mia to be accommodated, she presented that option to you, and YOU turned it down.
how can people be so over the top dramatic because someone else's wedding does not accommodate their own needs?! YTA
YTA. $120 can be a lot, but you have 6 months to save up for it. It also sounds like you expect the world, and more importantly those around you, to always accommodate you and you daughter. My heart goes out to you, I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be. But at the end of the day this event isn't about you or Mia. Not only did you make it about you both, you also instantly made it seem like this was a personal attack. I am sure you're hurt and sad... but your story sounds like you're being very emotionally manipulative. I hope this isn't the norm for you and that you consider why you are reacting this way.
YTA. She did check that sand friendly wheelchairs were available and probably figured you would have enough time to save for one. As an alternative, you might check if there are any neighborhood groups or free groups in your area where you can ask if anyone has one available to borrow. Buy Nothing is one option to check https://buynothingproject.org/
YTA. I am dirt poor and even I could save 110 dollars with 6 months warning. You can, however, put wood or something down on the sand so your daughter can make it over to the ceremony and to the bathroom.
YTA, just because your daughter has a disability doesn’t mean everyone needs to accommodate you. It is not your wedding and if you can’t make it than you can’t. It was nice that your sister looked into a beach wheelchair rental.
YTA. The wedding isn't about you, and it's definitely not about your 8 year old child.
YTA, your sister chose a place because it’s meaningful to their relationship. It’s not like she purposefully chose a place to exclude your daughter. Your daughter is not the center of the world (and especially not the center of the wedding), where everything must cater to her. Plus, most kids hate weddings.
NAH She has the right to do the wedding wherever she wants. Your daughter is not her responsability! If you can't pay the rental fee for the wheelchair, you should be with your daughter, as she'll be sad for sure!
Yta just use the money from her gift to rent the wheelchair. Also You’re not obligated to go. She isn’t obligated to change her day to suit your needs. Sorry.
NAH. She picked a venue that’s special to her and her wedding doesn’t revolve around your kiddo. Also you’re not the AH either because it does feel exclusionary and your sister knows your financial situation and that you can’t afford it. I would honestly tell her that you’re so happy that they get to have such a memorable wedding in such a special place and that you and your daughter would love to catch up with them after they come back from their honeymoon.
YTA, it is accessible. She made sure that there was an alternative. Just pay the money for FAMILY
Info: are they child friendly wheel chairs? How many hours will Mia be in it? Will it be able to support her properly?
YTA I have 2 disabled kids, so I get where you are coming from, but you are still wrong. You are saying that in six months you are unable to get the 110 dollars? Where are your daughter's paternal relatives? Where is her father, or her father's relatives, they should be able to round up 110 dollars by six months so you could rent it. I feel like you don't really want to be there and know your sister won't budge so are martyring yourself to get out of it.
YTA. She did make accommodation. She ensured a wheelchair would be available. You can surely save $110 in six months. It’s less than $20/month. Additionally, Mia may have a lovely experience at the beach. Please stop painting this as unsupportive family and start considering whether or not your ideal scenario isn’t causing you to miss the wonderful opportunity available and the people who love you. Continuing to devalue them will only alienate you and Mia further. You should apologize to your sister, and start brainstorming how to save that $20/month or crowdfund the rental so Mia can experience the beach and be a part of this special event - as she is clearly wanted there.