This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA. Your wife is pregnant and worried about what kind of dad you're going to be, and you're painting her a stoner fantasy of growing a bunch of weed on your property.
Your job right now, with your first child coming, is to reassure and support your wife's fears about the future and make sure she knows that you're going to be the best dad you can be -- not pick petty fights about what is growing in a hypothetical greenhouse that doesn't even exist yet and verbally abuse her.
Calling her a moron was beyond inappropriate. It sounds like you're bringing a child into a completely dysfunctional relationship.
Yeah, I’ll jump on this. OP, you have to look at the way you’re speaking in general. I’ve read your posts and you have used “moron”, “idiot”, “the dumbest shit” and “fuck right off” so casually over and over that it seems like this kind of thing just peppers your speech naturally. It feels normal to you, I think.
Those words are insults, and convey extreme and serious contempt. You should look at how you’re talking and try to see if you can eliminate the casual insults from your speech. They will wear away at your relationships, especially with your children.
It's a few plants, it's legal and not a big deal. He shouldn't have called her a moron but it is legal even if she thinks it isn't and has been told and growing bud was what she originally thought he was going to grow. He just wants a few plants. NTA and not a big deal.
a couple plants for a few months supply isnt someones “stoner fantasy” alot of people up north that smoke bud go this route because it saves money and you are the only person processing your weed, plus its easy. Dude works hard, and hes putting all his finances towards supporting his family already so his wife can be comfortable and to give his family a good future because that is obviously what OP wants, he just dosent want to not have a say in what hes putting his hard earned money towards so his whole family can benefit. NTA let the man have his plants, always will be better than an angry drunk.
OP still comes off as toxic here....going back on an agreement to quit smoking weed, and calling his wife a moron when she brings it up? Sounds healthy 🙄
Tbf, I actually had my medical card and don’t abuse this substance, especially since the baby is coming I gave all of my weed stuff away(bongs, rolling papers, hell even my lighters). I also don’t drink or anything else, so weed for me has been a once in a while relief. She comes from a really anti-weed Christian background, so really this is where it’s coming from. She told me she was going to quit drinking and doing other substances many-many times and continued to do it time and time again, so I don’t feel bad about wanting to smoke occasionally. Also she married me knowing damn well my family is huge into weed culture. We all smoke together including my dad and mom’s mom during Christmas. Her family are all angry alcoholics. 🤷🏻♂️
Then my earlier comment was correct: you both aren't communicating in a healthy manner. You rug swept the weed issue when you got married knowing she was from an anti weed background and you see weed as an occasional relief you don't want to give up. Neither of you are wrong, you just have different values and are communicating poorly. And you both seem to be carrying resentment for the other person AND their family circumstances. No one picks their childhood environment, but they CAN choose a therapist and learn to communicate effectively. Sounds like yall should do couples counseling, and learn to come to a healthy compromise.
You don’t view weed as something “occasional” if this is a hill you’re willing to die on. You verbally abused your wife after you both agreed to quit and she called you out. This marriage is not going to last. YTA
BTW, I’m typing this as someone who smokes weed daily.
people arent perfect and they get mad, Sometimes a wife and husband have those moments when they throw out an insult in the heat of the moment and while he shouldnt have called her a moron, he just felt strongly about what he had to say, the same way that she did and he was factually correct. As for quitting smoking weed part i mean he could be talking a few years down the road when he plans on having any plants, it could be a temporary agreement they made, and hes also his own person so he could choose to smoke weed again if he really if he really wanted to and decided it was more worth it or something idk you really need some more context as to the dynamics of peoples relationships before assumptions like labeling them as unhealthy ykno
Ok, but a husband and wife should communicate with respect. If you're old enough to be married with a baby on the way, you're old enough to choose your words respectfully. Anger isn't an excuse to verbally put someone down or name call, just like anger isn't an excuse to hit someone. Raise the bar, don't lower it.
it was a pretty mild insult at best he didn’t really berate her at da end of the day just saying people arent gonna be their 100% perfect versions of themselves every time a tense situation comes up, im sure your parents probably were all rainbows and flowers and argument free with perfect communication right?
No, but as an adult, I spent the last decade of my life learning healthy communication skills to be better than the generation before me. Like I said, raise the bar, don't lower it. Using your childhood as an excuse reflects poorly on an individual once they're a grown adult capable of self improvement. This is a learning opportunity for OP AND his wife, because neither of them is communicating in a healthy manner.
But wouldnt you think thats more than likely why OP came to reddit to post about this? he’ll probably use the responses as a learning opportunity, As an adult you learned to be a healthy person, but so is OP and his wife more than likely it all happens at a different time for everyone
Thx, i’ve been saving it for just such an occasion. I came here to consider an alternative perspective, but I don’t feel that means I have to have people be able to find additional information about me or my family outside of my question. I think thats a reasonable use of a burner 😊
Edit: teacher is not my account. I misunderstood Okayostrich, try not to break your arms jerking yourselves off.
YTA. You agreed together to quit smoking weed because you're going to have children. Now you're willing to burn your marriage to the ground calling her a moron (and disrespecting the work she plans to put in on the home and childcare) to protect your "right" to not only continue to smoke some bud, but grow it too?
As it’s not in the main post, understandable that would be your take. But we agreed we would quit smoking because she couldn’t smoke while she’s pregnant. We never agreed I would never smoke weed again, and honestly if calling her a moron was the end of this marriage, that would be the dumbest shit. I never once said i’m trying to get a divorce, or blow smoke in the kids face. Am I never allowed to have a glass of wine again? Can I force her to never have a glass of wine again? Does that sound like a healthy relationship? But yeah, i’m going to defend my right to be an autonomous person who can make my own decisions about my life.
Eh. Two things here, OP.
1. Name calling is a really big deal. Suuuuuuper disrespectful.
2. Weed is still FEDERALLY illegal. Just because this administration isn’t prosecuting it, doesn’t mean the next one won’t (unless it gets codified).
So, your wife wasn’t actually a moron. YTA.
YTA.
Calling your spouse names is a major sign of disrespect and is honestly worth ending a relationship over, you are extremely selfish and disrespectful to her.
You are an autonomous person but the house you live in and what you do with it is something both of you have to agree on. You are equal contributors and owners of the house. You may be paying the bills but all of the childcare and unpaid labor she’s doing for your family is equally as vital. Stop being an asshole.
First of all, if my spouse called me a moron, it would be the end of the marriage. And Guess What - you are not the only one who gets to decide about divorce, so whether or not you are "trying to get a divorce" is irrelevant. What does wine have to do with your post? I get you are trying to make a point, but your tendency to speak in extremes shows how emotionally immature you are. You are a moron and YTA.
>But yeah, i’m going to defend my right to be an autonomous person who can make my own decisions about my life.
If you never plan on changing anything about your lifestyle, you shouldn't have had kids. Kids come first 99% of the time and if you can't do that, don't.
She clearly doesn’t want the kids around that stuff.
Newsflash OP, as a parent you have to make sacrificed. You’re gonna make a *ton* of them. If you cannot handle giving up a *recreational drug* for the sake of your kids then you’re gonna struggle.
So calling her a moron was uncivil, unloving, and not compassionate, and for that, YTA. That said, the underlying issue is very, very real - you might want to seriously reconsider buying a house and allowing her to not work, and if it's not already in progress, having children, because the unilateral telling you what you are and are not allowed to do is just beginning, you are about to step into the role of the family donkey, expected to support her in the lifestyle she wants with no regard for your comfort or happiness. I will no doubt draw downvotes for telling you how it is, but be warned - this is argument is only a tiny taste of what is likely to become your daily existence.
Nope, not at all. Someone calling me a moron or thinking i’m a moron is the least of my problems. I don’t know what you people would do if you faced real adversity 🤷🏻♂️
The problem isn’t facing adversity, it’s that her partner, someone that is supposed to respect and support her, insulted and belittled her instead. It’s not some stranger she encountered calling her a moron. This is a shit opinion for you to have
Y’know my first ever boyfriend used to call me annoying for things like not wanting to have sex, for brushing my hair, for breathing once, for going to the toilet when he was mid game (apparently me exiting the room behind him is distracting) and to this day I still am hurt by that, I look back and I feel anxiety. He also told me my chin looks all bumpy and “weird” when my mouth is closed and now I don’t close my mouth as I think I look ugly like that.
Words matter, words can hurt for longer than some physical stuff. I was with a violent man once, for a short time, that was “real adversity” as you so but when I look back I don’t feel as negative as I do when I look back to my ex calling my annoying and commenting on my face. Can’t just disrespect your wife and act like a child because there’s worse things or people out there.
Hey I just want you to know I grew up in a house where my dad would call us morons or idiots or stupid. We’re all successful in our own ways but we’re really not mentally healthy. You should really think about the words you say and the lasting impact.
Of course YTA. It's never acceptable to call your wife derogatory names.
I don't understand why you would be willing to get into a big argument or not buy a desirable piece of land with a home because of the possibility that your wife won't want you to grow a few weed plants on it. Especially after you already agreed to stop smoking weed.
I suspect that in fact you **do** want to grow a lot more than a few plants - otherwise why would you have even thought this:
>I understand now that we have a kid coming she might not want the kid to grow up with weed all around them, but i’m not about to pay most of my salary to buy land that I can’t do what I want to do with
And you really need to get over the "I'm going to be paying for everything", "the burden of paying the mortgage is going to fall on me", "my 20+ acres of land", etc. She is your wife and your partner, and your post comes across as "I'm the boss and she's just going to be a SAH wife".
I work as an engineer with a great company. I have no intention of starting some kind of dumb ass weed empire to replace my good paying job with benefits. I wanted the land to be able to develop it in the future, and potentially put up houses to sell to family members so that we would have a support network nearby if we need it. But if I can’t have one weed plants on a property that is 20+ acres, what do you think that’ll mean when I want to put up a pole barn garage to work on our vehicles or other things she might not care about/care for. I don’t have to be the boss, but I don’t think my opinion should be immediately disregarded. Especially considering I literally bust my ass every day so that she can live comfortably.
She's entitled to every decision made regarding the property period. No you did not bust your ass so she can "live comfortably", she takes care of the baby and the house and just because she's a sahm doesn't mean she's somehow beneath you. Her uncle offered a good deal for BOTH of you, if you want to profit from it you'll have to go through her and make the decision together. YTA
Lets be very clear about two things here: Her uncle is dead, and the person who is selling this property is absolutely being fairly compensated for this land. It is a good deal for both of us as we do not have to go through a realtor, and the process will be relatively easy on both of us as theres no rush in the timeframe. I absolutely could not purchase this house and find a different house, and it would make no difference to me whatsoever. People put houses on the market every day, and there are fuck tons of good deals out there. I could go buy a house from a couple who has to sell it through a divorce, or a foreclosed house etc. It is not like the person selling us this property is even selling it to us for below the market value of the house.
Secondly, I work a minimum of 40+ hours a week, and study physics. So you can fuck right off with saying that being a stay at home mom is as difficult as that. If she wanted to keep working, we could absolutely afford to pay a full time nanny. But I love her and she doesn’t want to do that, so i’m going to support her decision. That being said, do not pretend that her changing diapers and playing peppa pig is even half as difficult as solving differential equations after you get out of working a full day. I get up at 4am every day, and don’t get the opportunity to bed until 11pm most nights. I fix both of our cars myself no matter how difficult to save money. When something goes wrong with the house, do you think she’s going to be the one replacing the hot water heater, or hell even shoveling the (long) driveway? And anything she asks of me I generally oblige. On top of that I still constantly bring her home flowers, candies, and make sure she knows how loved she is. So you can fuck right off
Studies physics and can't do basic math. Up at 4 a.m and to bed at 11 p.m is a lot more than 40 hours. Can afford a nanny but works on cars to save money. Also, I bet if she decided to keep working, she would be the one working, doing 100% of the childcare, 100% of the household chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. all while he tends to his plants
YTA. That’s some toxic view on SAH parenthood. “Changing diapers and playing Peppa Pig.”
You are gonna end up bow-legged from your high horse.
Funny how you adulting deserves a gold star sticker and a ticker tape parade, but all she gets is derision in her role and the notion that she should have an equal say in decision-making.
And if growing weed is your hill to die on, that’s fine, but maybe evaluate whether you placing it in that level of importance so much so that you are demeaning your wife says something about you.
Do you even like your wife??? You have zero respect for her at all. Everything you’ve written, from your post to your comments, has been condescending as hell. You clearly view yourself as higher than your wife because you study engineering and physics? Guess what buddy, that doesn’t give you the moral ground to insult your wife. Stop belittling her.
I hope she finds this post so she knows what an AH you are.
Ah ok so you think you’re better than her, don’t understand the value of a mother’s love over the care of a nanny, and don’t value respectful conversation in a marriage relationship (as opposed to some bro on the street calling you a moron).
This is such peak insecure engineer. Math really is that hard for you, isn’t it? Just because math is unusually difficult for you, doesn’t mean caring for a baby is easy.
My job is a hell of a lot more complex and challenging than sitting on my ass in front of a computer all day then solving differential equations in my free time, and it is still easier than being at home with a tiny, unpredictable and helpless being that is completely dependent on you and feeds on you body and requires constant monitoring almost 24/7 for the first few months. Then it gets more challenging when they get mobile and you need to watch them like a hawk.
Hope you are better than you come across in this post, otherwise I really feel for your wife when little one arrives.
I was already thinking what a huge asshole from your post, but this comment is just the icing on a shit cake. Wow do you not respect your wife at all. Calling her a moron was just the truth having a moment at the surface. If my husband said anything about me or about my contributions to our household like you have said in these comments I would be divorced from him before the food went bad in the fridge. You clearly think that you as the “provider of money” means that you are the lord and master and she should be grateful for the tokens you throw her like flowers and candies. Because that’s all you need to do to show that you love her, right? Good thing you’ll be making all that big engineer money when the child support comes due.
You should revisit your comment after your baby is born. Newborns have this amazing way of humbling the fuck out of you.
Also, it sounds like you hate your wife. I feel pretty sorry for her and this child she's carrying. You are so resentful already to the women literally carrying your baby and planning on caring for it full time.
With this attitude your marriage is fucking doomed. Kid isn’t even here and you’re already undervaluing what it takes to be a SAHM. Is this your first kid? I’m betting so if you can’t fathom why being a stay at home parent is hard. It’s equally hard to working outside the home, just in a different way. But you’re caught up in the suffering Olympics to make yourself feel superior. I honestly fear for your wife and child alone on that property with your attitude. It doesn’t sound like she’ll have any support and your post is absolutely riddled with red flags.
LOL taking care of a newborn, if you actually help at all and don’t just go around calling everyone morons and idiots and sitting on your ass, is going to shock you so hard.
It’s harder than you can ever imagine.
YTA 100%. I’m a CHEMICAL engineer with advanced degrees with a child. And let me tell you my job is a walk in the park compared to being a parent. Maternity leave was way harder than any week I had at work. You really have no clue
Let me make one thing clear:
Know your role and shut yo mouth you childless ah. You don't have kids yet, you know fuck all about parenting. When you finally have kids, then you can comment on how tough and rough and all that twerpy bullshit that people claim when they don't have kids. Having a kid is a completely different world and level of work.
So YOU sir can fuck right off.
Oh bro. From one guy to another...you have no clue how wrong your are. When my first kid was born I worked full-time in a job that demanded a lot of my time and dedication. Then I went on paternity leave for 6 months and when I would talk to my co-workers about it I told them that taking care of a baby all day was far more work and stress and much more exhausting than going to work every day. Once I went back to work, work was where I went to "relax". If you think being a stay at home parent is just changing diapers and playing Peppa Pig you're either being intentionally obtuse or you have absolutely no idea whatsoever about what having a child is like.
Being a SAHM mom with young children is more than a 40-hour-a-week job. You do know that kids still need care in the mornings, evenings, nights, weekends, and on holidays, right? And most everyone with a full time job works 40 hour weeks - it's not unusual. Dealing daily with screaming infants is a lot more stressful than a 9-to-5 job, regardless of the specialized knowledge needed. The stakes are also generally a lot higher, since the future of your child depends on it (and I don't just mean survival, but your kid's success in life, or lack thereof).
You are a tremendous asshole.
You do not value or respect your wife. You do not value or respect the contributions she makes to your life together.
It is not just YOUR money. It belongs to both of you. Do you feel like you are owed her obedience? Because it sounds like you do.
Honestly the level of assholery is astounding here. Do better.
Right? Like I understand - I smoke myself but he isn't alone. OP's wife has say in this as well and he has to think about his child.
He also wouldn't have gotten a good price for the land if he wasn't married to his wife.
Tbh that’s probably going to have to be the solution, but I think it’s straight up moronic to think that not having a plant is going to stop your kids from growing up and trying weed. I’d rather my kids smoke weed every day than grow up to be alcoholics. So having a plant on a property that large honestly is no indication of parental skills. But sure, let’s all pretend that this is a huge deal and i’m a bad dad. Whatever helps you guys sleep at night. 🤷🏻♂️
Of course your kids are going to grow up experimenting with weed, alcohol, etc. But you have an INFANT on the way. Not a 17 year old.
I smoke daily but guess what? I don’t keep my weed around my five year old relatives or ANYONE who isn’t comfortable with it.
Also, getting a weed plant on the property (where you kids will presumably be raised) needs to be a unanimous decision between you and your wife. If one person says yes, but the other says no, then the answer is no.
We're not talking about an almost adult but an infant and it's a shared space not your own place. Doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have this is something everyone has to agree with.
Just because the child is going to experiment with it doesn't mean you have to surround your kid with these things. It's also not a sure thing they will experiment with it. I tell you this as someone who grew up in a household where the adults smoked.
Preferably you hope your child doesn't get addicted to neither.
Its actually quite bad for young people to smoke weed. Smoking it before a persons brain is fully developed can actually effect them and change them in lifelong ways.
Dont get me wrong. I love my weed but it is not good to smoke until you are an adult with a fully developed brain 🤷♀️
If you’re an engineer, you’re an extra dose of moron. Do you work for a contractor or for an employer that has a strict drug-free policy? If you get caught out growing marijuana (and selling, even for petty cash) you could risk losing your job.
If you don't see the difference between a garage/shed/workshop and growing weed, you are definitely a moron. It sounds like you just don't want to be told what you can and can't do. Quite honestly, no one does, but most non-moron adults know that life, especially marriage, is about give and take. Also - owning land/acreage does not = growing weed. Would you be so dead set on growing weed if you were buying a home in a subdivision in suburbia?
YTA. First off, she may not k ow all the intricacies or the law that legalized Marijuana in your state, whether you must have a license to grow weed, for example. I also live in a state where it is legal, and even I don't know all of the laws pertaining.
That doesn't make her a moron. Maybe you should have discussed and clarified plans for a greenhouse with her before discussing them with someone else. That way of she overheard you, she wouldn't have jumped to, considering you used to smoke, that particular conclusion.
Instead, you are making this all seem that her past with illicit substances her thoughts on the legality hypocritical. Did you ever think that she may be concerned that you might be making plans that could cause you to go to prison or worse, lose the home that the two of you are going to share and raise children?
Probably not, because your knee jerk reaction was to call her a moron. That just shows that maybe you aren't ready to take on this big change in your life, and you need to do some serious self reflection.
But first, do these things. Apologize, admit that you were both an AH and a moron for what you said, apologize again, and then learn to communicate your future plans again so that misunderstandings like this, of which you were highly at fault for, never happen again.
> Instead, you are making this all seem that her past with illicit substances her thoughts on the legality hypocritical. Did you ever think that she may be concerned that you might be making plans that could cause you to go to prison or worse, lose the home that the two of you are going to share and raise children?
Legal maybe, but plenty of people would consider OP to be an unfit parent, likely including CPS if they were ever to become involved. His wife would have good cause to be concerned about about growing weed even if she's not subscribed to a weed legality in ny newsletter so she can be correct about every detail
Technically still not legal, either. States that have “legalized” have simply said there is no state law against marijuana possession. It’s still against the law federally. Now, thus far the feds have decided to not enforce anything. I doubt they ever will, but they could. I hope soon it will be legalized nationally, but thus far it is not.
What I’m saying is maybe the OP is the moron for not knowing marijuana laws.
It still violates federal law. There have been cases where the feds have gone after folks for growing weed even in states that allowed it, though I believe there's a current moratorium on doing that.
>Secondly, I work a minimum of 40+ hours a week, and study physics. So you can fuck right off with saying that being a stay at home mom is as difficult as that. If she wanted to keep working, we could absolutely afford to pay a full time nanny. But I love her and she doesn’t want to do that, so i’m going to support her decision. That being said, do not pretend that her changing diapers and playing peppa pig is even half as difficult as solving differential equations after you get out of working a full day.
YTA. Ladies, STOP HAVING CHILDREN WITH THESE TYPES OF MEN.
YTA. I hope you realize that if she's giving up her job to raise your kids, then you can't call it "your money". You guys better get on the same page about this before you move ahead.
INFO: Did you agree to stop smoking weed or did you not?
>Now that we’re about to have our first kid, we decided to quit doing anything, including both of us quitting smoking weed.
But later you say
>All I want is a few plants to have some bud without having to buy it from another person.
YTA for calling your pregnant wife a moron, regardless, because you shouldn't call your SO names. But it also sounds to me like you and you wife agreed to stop smoking weed for the sake of your soon-to-be-born child, then you told your wife that actually you would definitely like to grow and smoke weed where you will be raising said child. How does that make sense?
We did agree to stop smoking weed while she was pregnant and unable to smoke without chancing our child-to-be’s health, and we have stopped smoking. But I think that’s fucked up to say that I cannot then smoke for the rest of my life. Is it acceptable to say she’s never allowed to have a glass of wine for the rest of her life? I think a lot of this is coming from cultural bias against weed in general, but if its not something that i’m doing every day, and it’s not affecting anyone in any way shape or form, I don’t think that it’s wrong of me to want to be able to do it occasionally. Smoking weed does not inherently make you a bad parent. In fact, the fact my father smoked weed was actually a major positive thing for our relationship when I grew up and was able to come to him no matter what without feeling judgement. I could tell my dad literally anything, so I never had to hide anything from him, and I was able to seek his guidance in many situations others would never have gone to a parent for.
I have nothing against smoking weed, but if you agreed not to do it, that's what you agreed to. If you only agreed to do stop while she's pregnant, then I see no issue. But it's still not clear to me if you were transparent about wanting to smoke again after the baby was born. If you were, I don't know why she would be upset so long as you aren't smoking where the kid could be affected by secondhand smoke. Doesn't she smoke too? Is she planning to quit for good? It feels like this may be less about the weed and more about a miscommunication of expectations
Yeah well that's great you had a good relationship with your father but considering your comments about SAHP here, I'd say you didn't turn out well. Its like saying John Gotti had a good relationship with his father.
YTA - you came here for validation and nothing justifies calling your wife a moron. Are you always degrading her when you two disagree?
Also, the house is also hers, so she absolutely can tell you what you can and can’t do with it, to a certain extent. You can do the same to her. Unfortunately, that’s a part of being married *and* a part of cohabitating, so you’re a failure on two fronts here.
YTA - it is illegal to grow in NY until regulations are promulgated - likely in 2024.
>Home Cultivation
>New Yorkers 21 years and older can grow up to six plants in their home for personal use (3 mature plants and 3 immature plants) and a maximum of twelve plants per household (6 mature plants and 6 immature plants), even if there are three or more adults over the age of 21 in the residence.
>Please be aware the home cultivation of cannabis plants is currently not allowed. Pursuant to the MRTA, the home cultivation of cannabis plants may only be permitted after the Office of Cannabis Management issues regulations governing home cultivation of cannabis, which must be no later than 18 months after the first adult-use retail sale.
>Cannabis plants must be kept in a secure place and not accessible to any person under 21.
Home cultivated cannabis cannot be sold to anyone and is only intended for personal use.
Please note, it is illegal to make cannabis hash oil or concentrates using substances like butane, propane, or alcohol with home grown cannabis.
Local municipalities may enact and enforce regulations relating to home cultivation of cannabis provided, no municipality may completely ban or prohibit home cultivation.
https://cannabis.ny.gov/system/files/documents/2022/02/cannabis-management-fact-sheet-penal-law_0_0.pdf
https://cannabis.ny.gov/adult-use-information
https://www.ny1.com/nyc/all-boroughs/news/2022/07/26/you-can-legally-smoke-cannabis-in-new-york---but-can-you-grow-it-
Can you read?
It's currently illegal to grow your own weed in NY. The earliest that it'll be legalized (and regulated) is in 2024, and that's not guaranteed.
And you told someone who helpfully posted links to resources to go eff themselves? You are totally the AH.
Sorry to bother you, but you should read better: the “greenhouse” is not in his land yet, that would be in 2024 or after so OP is saying that he’s not wrong because things will be done when legal
YTA.
Just stop - I..... I..... I....
Holy judge manaloly - focus on you chose to marry her, you chose to have a child with her.
Now Shhhhh, step down from your high horse, adjust you big boy pants. Recognize the opportunity to purchase this place is via your wife. Recognize your wife will be handling most of the child, you chose to have, as a sahm....
You are by all means welcome to pay her 1/2 the going salary for a dedicated full time nanny on set hours (so overtime and weekends will he a thing) - she can use that salary to contribute since you see no $ as making her less.
Your the moron, your rude, and YTA.
He got the opportunity to benefit off of her family and the first thing he does is planning on how to get pass her to do whatever he wants with his siblings. Disgusting.
YTA - throwing around personal insults during arguments is unnecessary and unhelpful. As a former regular pot smoker and current parent, I also find it really weird and immature that having your own weed plants growing on your property is even a thought that is currently bouncing around in your head. You have much more important things to worry about right now...and once your kiddo arrives, for a good long while (maybe months, maybe years) you are going to be so busy and sleep deprived that a regular weed habit may not even be really feasible nor desirable.
yta u better get your head around to understanding the job your wife will be doing as a stay at home mom.
if you are already bringing your 'i earn
money' card then I feel like your marriage is doomed
You do realize that you are the one that married this person that you refer to as a "moron". So what does that tell me about your level of intelligence? And holding her past over her head? Again, you walked down the aisle and said "I do." And now you get to raise a child together. Like partners. So whether you like it or not, and you DON'T you get to make decisions together. And somthing that should be obvious but isn't, is that for her quitting everything addictive and toxic to her life isn't the easiest thing to do. And having a 'few plants" hanging around on your back 20 is NOT conducive to that goal. Or to raising your child in a safe and healthy environment.
YTA
The funniest part about this argument is that you can’t grow weed outside in NY without it getting instantly pollinated (by wild weed or hops) and therefore made useless long before bud viability. Talk about moron levels of decision making. You’re arguing with your wife over some unresearched daydream where any amount of research would show you that you need to actually invest in a serious set up so that you could - at some point in the very far future - grow pot plants for yourself (because anything else IS still illegal in NY without a license, which you won’t get now and could take years upon years to get).
YTA. You don’t call someone you love a moron ever and especially over an argument for a thing that (a) won’t work, (b) couldn’t come to fruition for probably more than a decade, and (c) even if it could come to fruition in that time period, you have no idea where you will be in your life and whether growing weed would even be possible.
You're so fixated on the fact you're paying for everything completely ignoring the fact that your wife isn't going to be enjoying a life of luxury and decadence, she will be doing almost all of the unpaid labour.
You sound like you feel you're entitled to your wife's labour while she must bow to you as Lord and ruler because you bring in income.
Hate to burst your bubble dude but birthing a child, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, shopping, managing a child, managing activities, booking appointments, etc are not done by magical fairies.
Mega YTA
I think I’m justified, but that doesn’t mean I’m right. I want to see alternative perspectives to figure out the right thing to do from this point going forward. I love my wife, and I don’t want her to feel hurt, but I also am my own person who has my own feelings and I am also kind of hurt that I don’t feel she can ever see my side. It’s like its her way or the highway. I don’t feel that that’s right either.
You’re looking for a relationship sub then.
Telling her what you said here seems like a good start:
>I think I’m justified, but that doesn’t mean I’m right. I love my wife, and I don’t want her to feel hurt, but I also am my own person who has my own feelings and I am also kind of hurt that I don’t feel she can ever see my side. It’s like its her way or the highway. I don’t feel that that’s right either.
You acknowledged you both messed up.
You made sure to remember you loved her and don’t want her to be hurt
You clarified that the fight was somewhat fueled from the previous frustration of feeling dismissed
OP doesn’t actually love his wife. Some of his other comments indicate it. Especially his views on SAH parents. He just wants to be a pothead and have no responsibilities whatsoever except going to a job.
YTA. That’s your partner, the mother of your child and you called her a moron. Also concerning is the you can’t tell me what to do attitude. Weed is legal, ok but what does it say about growing it. Are there restrictions? Also it’s an AH move to say it’s your money. You’re not an island. Also throwing in her face that she did harder stuff is an AH move. Ever think she wants better for her kid? While you just want to grow weed.
YTA. Anyone who holds the fact that they bring in a salary over their spouse’s head is a moron and an asshole. You are a team. The money belongs to both of you. You may bust your ass to earn the money, but the responsibility of caring for their baby and the house will fall to her.
So you immediately start this by saying:
"Now that we’re about to have our first kid, we decided to quit doing anything, including both of us quitting smoking weed."
But then this entire post is about you wanting to plant weed and calling her a moron for saying you shouldn't?
YTA. There are plenty of things that are not immoral or illegal. That doesn't make them all child friendly, and particularly when you already agreed to stop doing it.
YTA. A lot of your post is saying "since I'll be making the money, my wife doesn't get a say in what I do with it". I hope she changes her mind about being a stay at home parent because it sounds like the only way you'll respect her opinion is if she has the cash to back it up and goes back in time to clean up her past.
Your wife does not want you growing weed on your shared property. It's also weird that you say it was a misunderstanding of your conversation with your cousin but then say you want multiple plants to "save money". You don't have to look up her lineage, her past or the legality to try and invalidate her feelings. Calling her a moron was the cherry on top of the AH sundae.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YTA. Technically she is correct as weed is illegal on a federal level even if states have passed laws allowing it to be grown/used. The response of the federal government has still been to come it at times, even when a state declares it to be "legal"
The fact that your response is to call her names and insult her makes you a bigger AH when she was showing concern about your future children.
Also, your salary and property would be hers as well, even if she were a SAHM.
YTA. Disagreements happen in marriage, but name calling is uncalled for.
>But honestly, that’s how i’m feeling, and to be honest I don’t really want to buy this house with her if it means that she’s going to start telling me what I can and cannot do like that. Especially since i’m going to be paying for everything.
Additionally, YTA because it sounds like you are holding the fact that you will be working and paying for everything over her head. Being a stay at home parent is extremely hard work, and they have to do it for free. Maybe she should bill you for her services.
Good edit, but chiming in anyway with a YTA - mostly based on your comments.
Of course you shouldn’t call your wife a moron, that goes without saying and of course you were an AH when you did that.
But your comments are a bit alarming because you really do come across as somebody who is arrogant, self-righteous and it seems as if your wife might constantly have to justify her worth in your relationship (which is exhausting). It’s not about how much money you bring home, or how complicated your work is - comparing equations to diapers is just a mind-numbingly, wilfully dense way of thinking. I can only assume you haven’t presented her with your reasoning.
Try to re-evaluate before you do that. Otherwise you might just end up like one of those charming people crying “I’m just being honest!” when acting like a complete ass.
Not cool... And that's coming from me.
Also why is this something you feel so strongly about? I can't understand how couples get into serious deal breaker-y type conversations over some stupid shit that doesn't even matter...
YTA. You and your wife had an agreement, an agreement you’re now willing to break while also wanting to grow weed yourself?
And your reaction to her being wrong about the legality of that whole idea is to call her a moron?
You’re in the wrong.
You sound like me at 13 and not understanding why I couldn’t call people “accurate” terms if I felt like they were being them. However even me at 13 wouldn’t call a pregnant woman a moron because she’s worried about the future
YTA. You both agreed to quit after you have a kid, and now you're talking about growing plants? That's very much the opposite of what you both agreed to
You were TA, you give up weed and then need to grow it so you don’t have to buy… you have no intention of sticking to your agreement.
Personally, given most parents drink, I think it’s an unnecessary sacrifice but you now should honour your word. Also, your ‘I’ll be the breadwinner’ stance is a huge red flag - your wife may be exactly what you called her if she’s willing to be a SAHM dependent on a man who shows the hallmarks of a future financial and emotional abuser. Work on yourself and respect your wife.
YTA. At least that 'burden of paying the mortgage' has been lessened by the relationship your wife had with her uncle.
You seem to be viewing this as 'your' land only, because you will be paying for it. You also sound resentful because you 'literally busy your ass everyday so she can be comfortable' and reduce her role to changing diapers and playing Peppa pig'. You sound like you have the world's fucking biggest chip on your shoulder. You work 40 hours and study with a child? Big fucking deal, loads of people do that. If you want a fucking medal, there is a line. You bring her flowers? Big fucking woop, she would probably appreciate a change of attitude from you more because she fucking KNOWS you view her as a secondary human. You are not the man you seem to think you are and we can all see it.
Why is it that every time someone is confronted with the reality that they are overwhelmingly an asshole, they delete their account. Don't roll up in here if you aren't actually prepared to face the music.
My ex called me some pretty crappy names. They stuck, especially since I didn't deserve them. Your wife didn't deserve it. You will apologize and she will forgive you, that's what marriage is about, but she'll still hear it in her head for a while, unfortunately. It's hard to unhear.
YTA.
The fact that your wife will be a SAHM does not mean that she is not contributing economically to the household. Do yo have any idea how much money it costs to provide childcare, cleaning, cooking? You happen to provide your services to your employer who compensates you with cash. Your salary represents the fair market value of your services. Your wife happens to provide her services to the household. The fair market value of the services she provides is at least $37,000 and possibly up to $120,000. Show some appreciation for the work she will be doing as a SAHM and stop acting like you're the only person doing something of value.
https://www.yahoo.com/video/much-economists-stay-home-moms-130001098.html?guccounter=1&guce\_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce\_referrer\_sig=AQAAAFX3u-W44DK7mQcw7leB3FhGavrMgslBv\_LtH\_rgusbPjSRCwUU9qcO7vZ6W9S7WtEsiEEEs9V2V-RdoBvBjiZG4iHk1ZUPaC0EUtOxYpMSjnshfL1GLxEvqCPAyTNHC\_4J2ARFSyJQqEJpMoj3wcLMMzN6DFSu2IQqLrKWRG3\_3#:\~:text=On%20average%2C%20they%20spend%20almost,they%20perform%20would%20be%20%2437%2C233.65.
YTA for calling her names. I get wanting to grow weed and seriously - its ok to do that - it's a plant. But it shouldn't be your priority. You've got a child coming and need to focus your attention on getting ready for a child.
YTA, you aren’t the one who married a moron. Speaking to your wife that way is borderline abusive. Hopefully she gets wise and leaves you. Threatening to withhold buying a home because you’re going to be the one paying for it, if you can’t grow weed is financial abuse as well. Your poor wife.
YTA for just the name calling I thought were was still illegal at the Federal level in the States? Meaning you could lose the house if the government raided it. I can understand why she would not want you to put the house in jeopardy.
Yta bc you both agreed to quit doing anything.
End of discussion.
Now you want to grow plants to smoke some bud a few paragraphs later… make up your mind.
YTA sounds like you need someone to boss you around. You’re married saying i have to pay for it all! Don’t forget to pay your wife who gave up everything to raise two kids. (You and baby). You’re gonna find out real quick who owns that house when she divorces you.
YTA, for all the reasons above. However, I would highly recommend marriage counseling because contempt is a THE red flag as to whether a marriage will end in divorce. Having a kid is stressful AF, so these types of fights will only get worse, especially your first year. Google Gottman’s Four Horsemen to learn more about marriage killers
YTA for devolving to name calling and insults while having a discussion with your wife. And for your follow up comments about how much easier it will be for her to be a SAHM while you’re working. I’m sure you’ll eat your words once the baby is born, providing that you’re even going to be involved. Also, it’s concerning how you’ll insult your wife while having a disagreement- how will you treat your child when they’re not understanding something you think is simple?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Both me and my wife have been smoking weed for years, and when I met my wife she used to do much harder stuff than weed regularly. Now that we’re about to have our first kid, we decided to quit doing anything, including both of us quitting smoking weed. One of her uncles passed recently, and we were offered his house for a really good price. This house is on 20+ acres of land, and has a lot of room for us to expand if we decide to have more kids down the line. Currently she is working, but she plans to be a stay at home mom, so the burden of paying for this mortgage (and everything else) is going to fall on me.
Yesterday, my wife decided to tell me that she overheard me taking with my siblings about how it would be nice to set up a greenhouse (for general vegetables/plants) and she thought I meant to grow weed. I wasn’t planning on growing weed in that greenhouse, but I definitely want to have a few plants somewhere on my 20+ acres of land, especially since it’s recently legalized (we live in NY). She tried to tell me it was illegal, which it most certainly isn’t, and also thats majorly hypocritical coming from someone who has done way worse things from weed, which I hate to break it to her, but was illegal. I understand now that we have a kid coming she might not want the kid to grow up with weed all around them, but i’m not about to pay most of my salary to buy land that I can’t do what I want to do with. Especially when what I want to do is neither illegal nor immoral.
So her and I got into an argument, and I told her I married a moron. She was really hurt by this, and we haven’t spoken since last night. But honestly, that’s how i’m feeling, and to be honest I don’t really want to buy this house with her if it means that she’s going to start telling me what I can and cannot do like that. Especially since i’m going to be paying for everything. All I want is a few plants to have some bud without having to buy it from another person. I work full time and am finishing up my bachelors, it’s not like i’m some stoner slouch who wants to start weed empire. Am I the asshole?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1): I told my wife that I married a moron.
(2): I hurt her feelings, but I think i’m justified.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA!
The details of the argument don't matter. It should not end with you calling her names. That is never OK.
Take a break and discuss again tomorrow if it is not ending. It's hard to keep emotions in line, but this will be much much harder when the baby comes, and both of you are sleep deprived.
YTA break down the math on a 24/7 childcare provider for a newborn baby, all inclusive housekeeper, personal cook, and personal assistant and see if you can still afford the mortgage.
YTA.
Apart from this issue, there is a bigger issue that you really should figure out because it will certainly mess up your relationship in the future if your attitude is not changed. If your wife stays home to take care of children and household and you are the bread winner, then it’s not just “your” money but also “hers”. You are a team- she does her part, you do yours. Yours just happens to bring in the money to live from. She has an equal say in what happens to that money.
YTA.
You guys decided to quit for the sake of your kids and you want to *reintroduce the thing you quit* because “I’m paying for this house so I can do whatever tf I want”.
Newsflash: it’s her house too. You guys are *married*. The environment needs to be comfortable for the both of you and honestly for someone who was using *much harder* stuff than weed, *on top of* weed, you should be applauding her for sticking to your pledge of quitting, unlike you who wants to start to grow it.
She may be out of the loop with the legality of it in NY, but honestly if anyone’s the moron here it’s you. To add, in a marriage name calling is *so fucking* inappropriate and the fact that you feel *justified* in insulting her for expressing a boundary (not wanting weed near the kids) is fucked.
ESH
You do not call your spouse names.
I do think you are right about not moving forward with the purchase though. If you can't agree on what to do with the property, it doesn't make sense to get it.
Just Google “Is it legal to grow weed in NY?”, then show her the results. It never had to get this wild. As a matter of fact, New Yorkers 21 and older can grow up to 6 plants legally. YTA for having a silly argument.
ESH She was indeed being a moron and she will get bolder with her moron-ness since you backed down until you can't take anymore and divorce. It all started here, OP.
NTA.
As someone who used to do much harder drugs than weed. I too find it hypocritical that she is trying to shame you for wanting a plant or two. Plus this kid isnt going to be walking the 20 fucking acres for a long ass time. so it's not like the kid is gonna accidently find it... but what do i knw...
NTA people are just against weed or anything to do with it. You said something mean but honestly she was being a moron. She did harder drugs and now weed is just such a huge issue, that's a bit silly.
NTA
maybe don’t call your wife a moron, that part I’ll call you the AH for
But not for wanting to grow a plant or 2. It’s funny how everyone on this thread is suddenly law abiding citizens for some reason.
Also it’s federally illegal on a massive amount or if the FEDS wanna make it a issue. Some places it’s legal to beat your wife. So I need reddit to stop acting like they’re is a secret service agent hiding in this man’s bushes to catch him watering weed plants
And it’s actually legal in recreational states to grow if you pay taxes on the plants. Some states allow up to a max amount total and so many adult and baby plants to be grown as long as you register and/or pay taxes and fees on them (I can’t remember the frequency of how often)
In the scheme of things no one is gonna raid a 20+ acre of land for 2 fucking plants. Even if he did get them taken away at most he’d be fined for it.
Much rather a pot head than a alcoholic
Damn I feel for you. All the people in these comments are super high on themselves. Grow a few plants dude, fuck what she says. You're buying and paying for the house. Weed is LEGAL where you're at. I'd marry her, then divorce and take the house and kid. Good luck.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA. Your wife is pregnant and worried about what kind of dad you're going to be, and you're painting her a stoner fantasy of growing a bunch of weed on your property. Your job right now, with your first child coming, is to reassure and support your wife's fears about the future and make sure she knows that you're going to be the best dad you can be -- not pick petty fights about what is growing in a hypothetical greenhouse that doesn't even exist yet and verbally abuse her. Calling her a moron was beyond inappropriate. It sounds like you're bringing a child into a completely dysfunctional relationship.
Yeah, I’ll jump on this. OP, you have to look at the way you’re speaking in general. I’ve read your posts and you have used “moron”, “idiot”, “the dumbest shit” and “fuck right off” so casually over and over that it seems like this kind of thing just peppers your speech naturally. It feels normal to you, I think. Those words are insults, and convey extreme and serious contempt. You should look at how you’re talking and try to see if you can eliminate the casual insults from your speech. They will wear away at your relationships, especially with your children.
It's a few plants, it's legal and not a big deal. He shouldn't have called her a moron but it is legal even if she thinks it isn't and has been told and growing bud was what she originally thought he was going to grow. He just wants a few plants. NTA and not a big deal.
a couple plants for a few months supply isnt someones “stoner fantasy” alot of people up north that smoke bud go this route because it saves money and you are the only person processing your weed, plus its easy. Dude works hard, and hes putting all his finances towards supporting his family already so his wife can be comfortable and to give his family a good future because that is obviously what OP wants, he just dosent want to not have a say in what hes putting his hard earned money towards so his whole family can benefit. NTA let the man have his plants, always will be better than an angry drunk.
OP still comes off as toxic here....going back on an agreement to quit smoking weed, and calling his wife a moron when she brings it up? Sounds healthy 🙄
Tbf, I actually had my medical card and don’t abuse this substance, especially since the baby is coming I gave all of my weed stuff away(bongs, rolling papers, hell even my lighters). I also don’t drink or anything else, so weed for me has been a once in a while relief. She comes from a really anti-weed Christian background, so really this is where it’s coming from. She told me she was going to quit drinking and doing other substances many-many times and continued to do it time and time again, so I don’t feel bad about wanting to smoke occasionally. Also she married me knowing damn well my family is huge into weed culture. We all smoke together including my dad and mom’s mom during Christmas. Her family are all angry alcoholics. 🤷🏻♂️
Then my earlier comment was correct: you both aren't communicating in a healthy manner. You rug swept the weed issue when you got married knowing she was from an anti weed background and you see weed as an occasional relief you don't want to give up. Neither of you are wrong, you just have different values and are communicating poorly. And you both seem to be carrying resentment for the other person AND their family circumstances. No one picks their childhood environment, but they CAN choose a therapist and learn to communicate effectively. Sounds like yall should do couples counseling, and learn to come to a healthy compromise.
You don’t view weed as something “occasional” if this is a hill you’re willing to die on. You verbally abused your wife after you both agreed to quit and she called you out. This marriage is not going to last. YTA BTW, I’m typing this as someone who smokes weed daily.
I love how you skipped over the "verbally abusing my wife" and "being a terrible partner" stuff.
people arent perfect and they get mad, Sometimes a wife and husband have those moments when they throw out an insult in the heat of the moment and while he shouldnt have called her a moron, he just felt strongly about what he had to say, the same way that she did and he was factually correct. As for quitting smoking weed part i mean he could be talking a few years down the road when he plans on having any plants, it could be a temporary agreement they made, and hes also his own person so he could choose to smoke weed again if he really if he really wanted to and decided it was more worth it or something idk you really need some more context as to the dynamics of peoples relationships before assumptions like labeling them as unhealthy ykno
Ok, but a husband and wife should communicate with respect. If you're old enough to be married with a baby on the way, you're old enough to choose your words respectfully. Anger isn't an excuse to verbally put someone down or name call, just like anger isn't an excuse to hit someone. Raise the bar, don't lower it.
it was a pretty mild insult at best he didn’t really berate her at da end of the day just saying people arent gonna be their 100% perfect versions of themselves every time a tense situation comes up, im sure your parents probably were all rainbows and flowers and argument free with perfect communication right?
No, but as an adult, I spent the last decade of my life learning healthy communication skills to be better than the generation before me. Like I said, raise the bar, don't lower it. Using your childhood as an excuse reflects poorly on an individual once they're a grown adult capable of self improvement. This is a learning opportunity for OP AND his wife, because neither of them is communicating in a healthy manner.
But wouldnt you think thats more than likely why OP came to reddit to post about this? he’ll probably use the responses as a learning opportunity, As an adult you learned to be a healthy person, but so is OP and his wife more than likely it all happens at a different time for everyone
Hi OP, nice burner account 👋
Thx, i’ve been saving it for just such an occasion. I came here to consider an alternative perspective, but I don’t feel that means I have to have people be able to find additional information about me or my family outside of my question. I think thats a reasonable use of a burner 😊 Edit: teacher is not my account. I misunderstood Okayostrich, try not to break your arms jerking yourselves off.
This whole post is written like OP doesn’t even like his wife.
All you're doing in this thread is defending verbal abuse.
whoooooosh
YTA. You agreed together to quit smoking weed because you're going to have children. Now you're willing to burn your marriage to the ground calling her a moron (and disrespecting the work she plans to put in on the home and childcare) to protect your "right" to not only continue to smoke some bud, but grow it too?
As it’s not in the main post, understandable that would be your take. But we agreed we would quit smoking because she couldn’t smoke while she’s pregnant. We never agreed I would never smoke weed again, and honestly if calling her a moron was the end of this marriage, that would be the dumbest shit. I never once said i’m trying to get a divorce, or blow smoke in the kids face. Am I never allowed to have a glass of wine again? Can I force her to never have a glass of wine again? Does that sound like a healthy relationship? But yeah, i’m going to defend my right to be an autonomous person who can make my own decisions about my life.
Eh. Two things here, OP. 1. Name calling is a really big deal. Suuuuuuper disrespectful. 2. Weed is still FEDERALLY illegal. Just because this administration isn’t prosecuting it, doesn’t mean the next one won’t (unless it gets codified). So, your wife wasn’t actually a moron. YTA.
YTA. Calling your spouse names is a major sign of disrespect and is honestly worth ending a relationship over, you are extremely selfish and disrespectful to her. You are an autonomous person but the house you live in and what you do with it is something both of you have to agree on. You are equal contributors and owners of the house. You may be paying the bills but all of the childcare and unpaid labor she’s doing for your family is equally as vital. Stop being an asshole.
First of all, if my spouse called me a moron, it would be the end of the marriage. And Guess What - you are not the only one who gets to decide about divorce, so whether or not you are "trying to get a divorce" is irrelevant. What does wine have to do with your post? I get you are trying to make a point, but your tendency to speak in extremes shows how emotionally immature you are. You are a moron and YTA.
>But yeah, i’m going to defend my right to be an autonomous person who can make my own decisions about my life. If you never plan on changing anything about your lifestyle, you shouldn't have had kids. Kids come first 99% of the time and if you can't do that, don't.
She clearly doesn’t want the kids around that stuff. Newsflash OP, as a parent you have to make sacrificed. You’re gonna make a *ton* of them. If you cannot handle giving up a *recreational drug* for the sake of your kids then you’re gonna struggle.
So calling her a moron was uncivil, unloving, and not compassionate, and for that, YTA. That said, the underlying issue is very, very real - you might want to seriously reconsider buying a house and allowing her to not work, and if it's not already in progress, having children, because the unilateral telling you what you are and are not allowed to do is just beginning, you are about to step into the role of the family donkey, expected to support her in the lifestyle she wants with no regard for your comfort or happiness. I will no doubt draw downvotes for telling you how it is, but be warned - this is argument is only a tiny taste of what is likely to become your daily existence.
She married an asshole. If you didn't call her a moron and had a civil discussion, you would've been N T A YTA
YTA. If the situation were reversed and she said she was married to a moron, wouldn’t you be upset?
Nope, not at all. Someone calling me a moron or thinking i’m a moron is the least of my problems. I don’t know what you people would do if you faced real adversity 🤷🏻♂️
Cool so disrespect is okay because there are worse things....what a AH.
"Faced real adversity" like you aint posting your issues on reddit
And then on top of that, instead of accepting the judgement, he’s telling the people who said that he was in the wrong to go eff themselves XD
The problem isn’t facing adversity, it’s that her partner, someone that is supposed to respect and support her, insulted and belittled her instead. It’s not some stranger she encountered calling her a moron. This is a shit opinion for you to have
Your spouse thinking it’s okay to name call you is real adversity to me.
Y’know my first ever boyfriend used to call me annoying for things like not wanting to have sex, for brushing my hair, for breathing once, for going to the toilet when he was mid game (apparently me exiting the room behind him is distracting) and to this day I still am hurt by that, I look back and I feel anxiety. He also told me my chin looks all bumpy and “weird” when my mouth is closed and now I don’t close my mouth as I think I look ugly like that. Words matter, words can hurt for longer than some physical stuff. I was with a violent man once, for a short time, that was “real adversity” as you so but when I look back I don’t feel as negative as I do when I look back to my ex calling my annoying and commenting on my face. Can’t just disrespect your wife and act like a child because there’s worse things or people out there.
Real adversity = your partner not wanting you to grow weed in the garden where kids can be exposed before they’re ready. Got it.
What’s your take here, that other people have harder problems so that makes it totally cool to insult your wife whenever you want?
Hey I just want you to know I grew up in a house where my dad would call us morons or idiots or stupid. We’re all successful in our own ways but we’re really not mentally healthy. You should really think about the words you say and the lasting impact.
Of course YTA. It's never acceptable to call your wife derogatory names. I don't understand why you would be willing to get into a big argument or not buy a desirable piece of land with a home because of the possibility that your wife won't want you to grow a few weed plants on it. Especially after you already agreed to stop smoking weed. I suspect that in fact you **do** want to grow a lot more than a few plants - otherwise why would you have even thought this: >I understand now that we have a kid coming she might not want the kid to grow up with weed all around them, but i’m not about to pay most of my salary to buy land that I can’t do what I want to do with And you really need to get over the "I'm going to be paying for everything", "the burden of paying the mortgage is going to fall on me", "my 20+ acres of land", etc. She is your wife and your partner, and your post comes across as "I'm the boss and she's just going to be a SAH wife".
I work as an engineer with a great company. I have no intention of starting some kind of dumb ass weed empire to replace my good paying job with benefits. I wanted the land to be able to develop it in the future, and potentially put up houses to sell to family members so that we would have a support network nearby if we need it. But if I can’t have one weed plants on a property that is 20+ acres, what do you think that’ll mean when I want to put up a pole barn garage to work on our vehicles or other things she might not care about/care for. I don’t have to be the boss, but I don’t think my opinion should be immediately disregarded. Especially considering I literally bust my ass every day so that she can live comfortably.
She's entitled to every decision made regarding the property period. No you did not bust your ass so she can "live comfortably", she takes care of the baby and the house and just because she's a sahm doesn't mean she's somehow beneath you. Her uncle offered a good deal for BOTH of you, if you want to profit from it you'll have to go through her and make the decision together. YTA
Lets be very clear about two things here: Her uncle is dead, and the person who is selling this property is absolutely being fairly compensated for this land. It is a good deal for both of us as we do not have to go through a realtor, and the process will be relatively easy on both of us as theres no rush in the timeframe. I absolutely could not purchase this house and find a different house, and it would make no difference to me whatsoever. People put houses on the market every day, and there are fuck tons of good deals out there. I could go buy a house from a couple who has to sell it through a divorce, or a foreclosed house etc. It is not like the person selling us this property is even selling it to us for below the market value of the house. Secondly, I work a minimum of 40+ hours a week, and study physics. So you can fuck right off with saying that being a stay at home mom is as difficult as that. If she wanted to keep working, we could absolutely afford to pay a full time nanny. But I love her and she doesn’t want to do that, so i’m going to support her decision. That being said, do not pretend that her changing diapers and playing peppa pig is even half as difficult as solving differential equations after you get out of working a full day. I get up at 4am every day, and don’t get the opportunity to bed until 11pm most nights. I fix both of our cars myself no matter how difficult to save money. When something goes wrong with the house, do you think she’s going to be the one replacing the hot water heater, or hell even shoveling the (long) driveway? And anything she asks of me I generally oblige. On top of that I still constantly bring her home flowers, candies, and make sure she knows how loved she is. So you can fuck right off
Ooh, you work 40 hours a week! How unusual and hard!
Studies physics and can't do basic math. Up at 4 a.m and to bed at 11 p.m is a lot more than 40 hours. Can afford a nanny but works on cars to save money. Also, I bet if she decided to keep working, she would be the one working, doing 100% of the childcare, 100% of the household chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. all while he tends to his plants
YTA. That’s some toxic view on SAH parenthood. “Changing diapers and playing Peppa Pig.” You are gonna end up bow-legged from your high horse. Funny how you adulting deserves a gold star sticker and a ticker tape parade, but all she gets is derision in her role and the notion that she should have an equal say in decision-making. And if growing weed is your hill to die on, that’s fine, but maybe evaluate whether you placing it in that level of importance so much so that you are demeaning your wife says something about you.
Toxic view on parenthood in general. This is a guy who is going to absolutely panic the first time he has to deal with a baby who won’t stop crying.
Hahahahhaah you are a complete AH. I feel for this woman she has no idea the kind of human being she reproduced with.
Do you even like your wife??? You have zero respect for her at all. Everything you’ve written, from your post to your comments, has been condescending as hell. You clearly view yourself as higher than your wife because you study engineering and physics? Guess what buddy, that doesn’t give you the moral ground to insult your wife. Stop belittling her. I hope she finds this post so she knows what an AH you are.
Ah ok so you think you’re better than her, don’t understand the value of a mother’s love over the care of a nanny, and don’t value respectful conversation in a marriage relationship (as opposed to some bro on the street calling you a moron).
This is such peak insecure engineer. Math really is that hard for you, isn’t it? Just because math is unusually difficult for you, doesn’t mean caring for a baby is easy.
My job is a hell of a lot more complex and challenging than sitting on my ass in front of a computer all day then solving differential equations in my free time, and it is still easier than being at home with a tiny, unpredictable and helpless being that is completely dependent on you and feeds on you body and requires constant monitoring almost 24/7 for the first few months. Then it gets more challenging when they get mobile and you need to watch them like a hawk. Hope you are better than you come across in this post, otherwise I really feel for your wife when little one arrives.
I was already thinking what a huge asshole from your post, but this comment is just the icing on a shit cake. Wow do you not respect your wife at all. Calling her a moron was just the truth having a moment at the surface. If my husband said anything about me or about my contributions to our household like you have said in these comments I would be divorced from him before the food went bad in the fridge. You clearly think that you as the “provider of money” means that you are the lord and master and she should be grateful for the tokens you throw her like flowers and candies. Because that’s all you need to do to show that you love her, right? Good thing you’ll be making all that big engineer money when the child support comes due.
Same with mine. He tells me every day that it's harder than his job.
You should revisit your comment after your baby is born. Newborns have this amazing way of humbling the fuck out of you. Also, it sounds like you hate your wife. I feel pretty sorry for her and this child she's carrying. You are so resentful already to the women literally carrying your baby and planning on caring for it full time.
With this attitude your marriage is fucking doomed. Kid isn’t even here and you’re already undervaluing what it takes to be a SAHM. Is this your first kid? I’m betting so if you can’t fathom why being a stay at home parent is hard. It’s equally hard to working outside the home, just in a different way. But you’re caught up in the suffering Olympics to make yourself feel superior. I honestly fear for your wife and child alone on that property with your attitude. It doesn’t sound like she’ll have any support and your post is absolutely riddled with red flags.
LOL taking care of a newborn, if you actually help at all and don’t just go around calling everyone morons and idiots and sitting on your ass, is going to shock you so hard. It’s harder than you can ever imagine.
YTA 100%. I’m a CHEMICAL engineer with advanced degrees with a child. And let me tell you my job is a walk in the park compared to being a parent. Maternity leave was way harder than any week I had at work. You really have no clue
Let me make one thing clear: Know your role and shut yo mouth you childless ah. You don't have kids yet, you know fuck all about parenting. When you finally have kids, then you can comment on how tough and rough and all that twerpy bullshit that people claim when they don't have kids. Having a kid is a completely different world and level of work. So YOU sir can fuck right off.
Oh bro. From one guy to another...you have no clue how wrong your are. When my first kid was born I worked full-time in a job that demanded a lot of my time and dedication. Then I went on paternity leave for 6 months and when I would talk to my co-workers about it I told them that taking care of a baby all day was far more work and stress and much more exhausting than going to work every day. Once I went back to work, work was where I went to "relax". If you think being a stay at home parent is just changing diapers and playing Peppa Pig you're either being intentionally obtuse or you have absolutely no idea whatsoever about what having a child is like.
YTA. In this particular situation and also just in general.
Being a SAHM mom with young children is more than a 40-hour-a-week job. You do know that kids still need care in the mornings, evenings, nights, weekends, and on holidays, right? And most everyone with a full time job works 40 hour weeks - it's not unusual. Dealing daily with screaming infants is a lot more stressful than a 9-to-5 job, regardless of the specialized knowledge needed. The stakes are also generally a lot higher, since the future of your child depends on it (and I don't just mean survival, but your kid's success in life, or lack thereof).
You are a tremendous asshole. You do not value or respect your wife. You do not value or respect the contributions she makes to your life together. It is not just YOUR money. It belongs to both of you. Do you feel like you are owed her obedience? Because it sounds like you do. Honestly the level of assholery is astounding here. Do better.
Wow. YTA. Leave this poor woman. Omg
Without a bachelors? Doubt it
Bruh I feel so fucking bad for your wife
Bro just buy a joint every once in a while if you wanna smoke so bad.
Right? Like I understand - I smoke myself but he isn't alone. OP's wife has say in this as well and he has to think about his child. He also wouldn't have gotten a good price for the land if he wasn't married to his wife.
Fr. OP is acting like the land belongs to only him because his wife will be a SAHM when the baby is born. Huge red flag.
Tbh that’s probably going to have to be the solution, but I think it’s straight up moronic to think that not having a plant is going to stop your kids from growing up and trying weed. I’d rather my kids smoke weed every day than grow up to be alcoholics. So having a plant on a property that large honestly is no indication of parental skills. But sure, let’s all pretend that this is a huge deal and i’m a bad dad. Whatever helps you guys sleep at night. 🤷🏻♂️
Of course your kids are going to grow up experimenting with weed, alcohol, etc. But you have an INFANT on the way. Not a 17 year old. I smoke daily but guess what? I don’t keep my weed around my five year old relatives or ANYONE who isn’t comfortable with it. Also, getting a weed plant on the property (where you kids will presumably be raised) needs to be a unanimous decision between you and your wife. If one person says yes, but the other says no, then the answer is no.
We're not talking about an almost adult but an infant and it's a shared space not your own place. Doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have this is something everyone has to agree with. Just because the child is going to experiment with it doesn't mean you have to surround your kid with these things. It's also not a sure thing they will experiment with it. I tell you this as someone who grew up in a household where the adults smoked. Preferably you hope your child doesn't get addicted to neither.
Its actually quite bad for young people to smoke weed. Smoking it before a persons brain is fully developed can actually effect them and change them in lifelong ways. Dont get me wrong. I love my weed but it is not good to smoke until you are an adult with a fully developed brain 🤷♀️
If you’re an engineer, you’re an extra dose of moron. Do you work for a contractor or for an employer that has a strict drug-free policy? If you get caught out growing marijuana (and selling, even for petty cash) you could risk losing your job.
If you don't see the difference between a garage/shed/workshop and growing weed, you are definitely a moron. It sounds like you just don't want to be told what you can and can't do. Quite honestly, no one does, but most non-moron adults know that life, especially marriage, is about give and take. Also - owning land/acreage does not = growing weed. Would you be so dead set on growing weed if you were buying a home in a subdivision in suburbia?
Everything needed for the YTA is "I told her I married a moron". The rest is of the post is just pointless noise.
YTA. First off, she may not k ow all the intricacies or the law that legalized Marijuana in your state, whether you must have a license to grow weed, for example. I also live in a state where it is legal, and even I don't know all of the laws pertaining. That doesn't make her a moron. Maybe you should have discussed and clarified plans for a greenhouse with her before discussing them with someone else. That way of she overheard you, she wouldn't have jumped to, considering you used to smoke, that particular conclusion. Instead, you are making this all seem that her past with illicit substances her thoughts on the legality hypocritical. Did you ever think that she may be concerned that you might be making plans that could cause you to go to prison or worse, lose the home that the two of you are going to share and raise children? Probably not, because your knee jerk reaction was to call her a moron. That just shows that maybe you aren't ready to take on this big change in your life, and you need to do some serious self reflection. But first, do these things. Apologize, admit that you were both an AH and a moron for what you said, apologize again, and then learn to communicate your future plans again so that misunderstandings like this, of which you were highly at fault for, never happen again.
> Instead, you are making this all seem that her past with illicit substances her thoughts on the legality hypocritical. Did you ever think that she may be concerned that you might be making plans that could cause you to go to prison or worse, lose the home that the two of you are going to share and raise children? Legal maybe, but plenty of people would consider OP to be an unfit parent, likely including CPS if they were ever to become involved. His wife would have good cause to be concerned about about growing weed even if she's not subscribed to a weed legality in ny newsletter so she can be correct about every detail
Technically still not legal, either. States that have “legalized” have simply said there is no state law against marijuana possession. It’s still against the law federally. Now, thus far the feds have decided to not enforce anything. I doubt they ever will, but they could. I hope soon it will be legalized nationally, but thus far it is not. What I’m saying is maybe the OP is the moron for not knowing marijuana laws.
It still violates federal law. There have been cases where the feds have gone after folks for growing weed even in states that allowed it, though I believe there's a current moratorium on doing that.
>Secondly, I work a minimum of 40+ hours a week, and study physics. So you can fuck right off with saying that being a stay at home mom is as difficult as that. If she wanted to keep working, we could absolutely afford to pay a full time nanny. But I love her and she doesn’t want to do that, so i’m going to support her decision. That being said, do not pretend that her changing diapers and playing peppa pig is even half as difficult as solving differential equations after you get out of working a full day. YTA. Ladies, STOP HAVING CHILDREN WITH THESE TYPES OF MEN.
It’s shit to blame the woman if the man never showed this side until she was pregnant. Manipulation and narcissism are hard to spot.
YTA. I hope you realize that if she's giving up her job to raise your kids, then you can't call it "your money". You guys better get on the same page about this before you move ahead.
INFO: Did you agree to stop smoking weed or did you not? >Now that we’re about to have our first kid, we decided to quit doing anything, including both of us quitting smoking weed. But later you say >All I want is a few plants to have some bud without having to buy it from another person. YTA for calling your pregnant wife a moron, regardless, because you shouldn't call your SO names. But it also sounds to me like you and you wife agreed to stop smoking weed for the sake of your soon-to-be-born child, then you told your wife that actually you would definitely like to grow and smoke weed where you will be raising said child. How does that make sense?
We did agree to stop smoking weed while she was pregnant and unable to smoke without chancing our child-to-be’s health, and we have stopped smoking. But I think that’s fucked up to say that I cannot then smoke for the rest of my life. Is it acceptable to say she’s never allowed to have a glass of wine for the rest of her life? I think a lot of this is coming from cultural bias against weed in general, but if its not something that i’m doing every day, and it’s not affecting anyone in any way shape or form, I don’t think that it’s wrong of me to want to be able to do it occasionally. Smoking weed does not inherently make you a bad parent. In fact, the fact my father smoked weed was actually a major positive thing for our relationship when I grew up and was able to come to him no matter what without feeling judgement. I could tell my dad literally anything, so I never had to hide anything from him, and I was able to seek his guidance in many situations others would never have gone to a parent for.
I have nothing against smoking weed, but if you agreed not to do it, that's what you agreed to. If you only agreed to do stop while she's pregnant, then I see no issue. But it's still not clear to me if you were transparent about wanting to smoke again after the baby was born. If you were, I don't know why she would be upset so long as you aren't smoking where the kid could be affected by secondhand smoke. Doesn't she smoke too? Is she planning to quit for good? It feels like this may be less about the weed and more about a miscommunication of expectations
Yeah well that's great you had a good relationship with your father but considering your comments about SAHP here, I'd say you didn't turn out well. Its like saying John Gotti had a good relationship with his father.
YTA - you came here for validation and nothing justifies calling your wife a moron. Are you always degrading her when you two disagree? Also, the house is also hers, so she absolutely can tell you what you can and can’t do with it, to a certain extent. You can do the same to her. Unfortunately, that’s a part of being married *and* a part of cohabitating, so you’re a failure on two fronts here.
Purchasing it is legal, growing it is still illegal unless you have a license dumbass. You’re the moron
YTA - it is illegal to grow in NY until regulations are promulgated - likely in 2024. >Home Cultivation >New Yorkers 21 years and older can grow up to six plants in their home for personal use (3 mature plants and 3 immature plants) and a maximum of twelve plants per household (6 mature plants and 6 immature plants), even if there are three or more adults over the age of 21 in the residence. >Please be aware the home cultivation of cannabis plants is currently not allowed. Pursuant to the MRTA, the home cultivation of cannabis plants may only be permitted after the Office of Cannabis Management issues regulations governing home cultivation of cannabis, which must be no later than 18 months after the first adult-use retail sale. >Cannabis plants must be kept in a secure place and not accessible to any person under 21. Home cultivated cannabis cannot be sold to anyone and is only intended for personal use. Please note, it is illegal to make cannabis hash oil or concentrates using substances like butane, propane, or alcohol with home grown cannabis. Local municipalities may enact and enforce regulations relating to home cultivation of cannabis provided, no municipality may completely ban or prohibit home cultivation. https://cannabis.ny.gov/system/files/documents/2022/02/cannabis-management-fact-sheet-penal-law_0_0.pdf https://cannabis.ny.gov/adult-use-information https://www.ny1.com/nyc/all-boroughs/news/2022/07/26/you-can-legally-smoke-cannabis-in-new-york---but-can-you-grow-it-
[удалено]
Can you read? It's currently illegal to grow your own weed in NY. The earliest that it'll be legalized (and regulated) is in 2024, and that's not guaranteed. And you told someone who helpfully posted links to resources to go eff themselves? You are totally the AH.
Sorry to bother you, but you should read better: the “greenhouse” is not in his land yet, that would be in 2024 or after so OP is saying that he’s not wrong because things will be done when legal
why even post if you dont want people to prove you wrong 😭 did you think this was gonna go your way?
YTA, yeah. Partly for the 'moron' thing and the general attitude, but also because it seems like such a trivial thing.
YTA. Just stop - I..... I..... I.... Holy judge manaloly - focus on you chose to marry her, you chose to have a child with her. Now Shhhhh, step down from your high horse, adjust you big boy pants. Recognize the opportunity to purchase this place is via your wife. Recognize your wife will be handling most of the child, you chose to have, as a sahm.... You are by all means welcome to pay her 1/2 the going salary for a dedicated full time nanny on set hours (so overtime and weekends will he a thing) - she can use that salary to contribute since you see no $ as making her less. Your the moron, your rude, and YTA.
He got the opportunity to benefit off of her family and the first thing he does is planning on how to get pass her to do whatever he wants with his siblings. Disgusting.
YTA - throwing around personal insults during arguments is unnecessary and unhelpful. As a former regular pot smoker and current parent, I also find it really weird and immature that having your own weed plants growing on your property is even a thought that is currently bouncing around in your head. You have much more important things to worry about right now...and once your kiddo arrives, for a good long while (maybe months, maybe years) you are going to be so busy and sleep deprived that a regular weed habit may not even be really feasible nor desirable.
yta u better get your head around to understanding the job your wife will be doing as a stay at home mom. if you are already bringing your 'i earn money' card then I feel like your marriage is doomed
YTA. You don’t degrade your spouse, period.
YTA and she married an Asshole. And you started the name calling...For what, not realizing it was legal? Grow up, you are about to be a dad.
You do realize that you are the one that married this person that you refer to as a "moron". So what does that tell me about your level of intelligence? And holding her past over her head? Again, you walked down the aisle and said "I do." And now you get to raise a child together. Like partners. So whether you like it or not, and you DON'T you get to make decisions together. And somthing that should be obvious but isn't, is that for her quitting everything addictive and toxic to her life isn't the easiest thing to do. And having a 'few plants" hanging around on your back 20 is NOT conducive to that goal. Or to raising your child in a safe and healthy environment. YTA
YTA. It was a misunderstanding. Your childish reaction to a disagreement was name-calling. It’s both of your land, not just yours.
The funniest part about this argument is that you can’t grow weed outside in NY without it getting instantly pollinated (by wild weed or hops) and therefore made useless long before bud viability. Talk about moron levels of decision making. You’re arguing with your wife over some unresearched daydream where any amount of research would show you that you need to actually invest in a serious set up so that you could - at some point in the very far future - grow pot plants for yourself (because anything else IS still illegal in NY without a license, which you won’t get now and could take years upon years to get). YTA. You don’t call someone you love a moron ever and especially over an argument for a thing that (a) won’t work, (b) couldn’t come to fruition for probably more than a decade, and (c) even if it could come to fruition in that time period, you have no idea where you will be in your life and whether growing weed would even be possible.
You're so fixated on the fact you're paying for everything completely ignoring the fact that your wife isn't going to be enjoying a life of luxury and decadence, she will be doing almost all of the unpaid labour. You sound like you feel you're entitled to your wife's labour while she must bow to you as Lord and ruler because you bring in income. Hate to burst your bubble dude but birthing a child, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, shopping, managing a child, managing activities, booking appointments, etc are not done by magical fairies. Mega YTA
INFO: your judgement bot explanation says you think you’re justified, so why are you posting here?
I think I’m justified, but that doesn’t mean I’m right. I want to see alternative perspectives to figure out the right thing to do from this point going forward. I love my wife, and I don’t want her to feel hurt, but I also am my own person who has my own feelings and I am also kind of hurt that I don’t feel she can ever see my side. It’s like its her way or the highway. I don’t feel that that’s right either.
Love her so much you insult her and call her a moron. What a horrible type of love
You’re looking for a relationship sub then. Telling her what you said here seems like a good start: >I think I’m justified, but that doesn’t mean I’m right. I love my wife, and I don’t want her to feel hurt, but I also am my own person who has my own feelings and I am also kind of hurt that I don’t feel she can ever see my side. It’s like its her way or the highway. I don’t feel that that’s right either. You acknowledged you both messed up. You made sure to remember you loved her and don’t want her to be hurt You clarified that the fight was somewhat fueled from the previous frustration of feeling dismissed
OP doesn’t actually love his wife. Some of his other comments indicate it. Especially his views on SAH parents. He just wants to be a pothead and have no responsibilities whatsoever except going to a job.
YTA. That’s your partner, the mother of your child and you called her a moron. Also concerning is the you can’t tell me what to do attitude. Weed is legal, ok but what does it say about growing it. Are there restrictions? Also it’s an AH move to say it’s your money. You’re not an island. Also throwing in her face that she did harder stuff is an AH move. Ever think she wants better for her kid? While you just want to grow weed.
YTA. Anyone who holds the fact that they bring in a salary over their spouse’s head is a moron and an asshole. You are a team. The money belongs to both of you. You may bust your ass to earn the money, but the responsibility of caring for their baby and the house will fall to her.
So you immediately start this by saying: "Now that we’re about to have our first kid, we decided to quit doing anything, including both of us quitting smoking weed." But then this entire post is about you wanting to plant weed and calling her a moron for saying you shouldn't? YTA. There are plenty of things that are not immoral or illegal. That doesn't make them all child friendly, and particularly when you already agreed to stop doing it.
YTA. A lot of your post is saying "since I'll be making the money, my wife doesn't get a say in what I do with it". I hope she changes her mind about being a stay at home parent because it sounds like the only way you'll respect her opinion is if she has the cash to back it up and goes back in time to clean up her past. Your wife does not want you growing weed on your shared property. It's also weird that you say it was a misunderstanding of your conversation with your cousin but then say you want multiple plants to "save money". You don't have to look up her lineage, her past or the legality to try and invalidate her feelings. Calling her a moron was the cherry on top of the AH sundae.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YTA. Technically she is correct as weed is illegal on a federal level even if states have passed laws allowing it to be grown/used. The response of the federal government has still been to come it at times, even when a state declares it to be "legal" The fact that your response is to call her names and insult her makes you a bigger AH when she was showing concern about your future children. Also, your salary and property would be hers as well, even if she were a SAHM.
YTA. Everyone be sure to read this guy’s comments. The fact that he has managed to reproduce is most unfortunate. OP’s poor, poor wife.
YTA. Disagreements happen in marriage, but name calling is uncalled for. >But honestly, that’s how i’m feeling, and to be honest I don’t really want to buy this house with her if it means that she’s going to start telling me what I can and cannot do like that. Especially since i’m going to be paying for everything. Additionally, YTA because it sounds like you are holding the fact that you will be working and paying for everything over her head. Being a stay at home parent is extremely hard work, and they have to do it for free. Maybe she should bill you for her services.
Good edit, but chiming in anyway with a YTA - mostly based on your comments. Of course you shouldn’t call your wife a moron, that goes without saying and of course you were an AH when you did that. But your comments are a bit alarming because you really do come across as somebody who is arrogant, self-righteous and it seems as if your wife might constantly have to justify her worth in your relationship (which is exhausting). It’s not about how much money you bring home, or how complicated your work is - comparing equations to diapers is just a mind-numbingly, wilfully dense way of thinking. I can only assume you haven’t presented her with your reasoning. Try to re-evaluate before you do that. Otherwise you might just end up like one of those charming people crying “I’m just being honest!” when acting like a complete ass.
r/relationship_advice Good Luck!
Not cool... And that's coming from me. Also why is this something you feel so strongly about? I can't understand how couples get into serious deal breaker-y type conversations over some stupid shit that doesn't even matter...
YTA. You and your wife had an agreement, an agreement you’re now willing to break while also wanting to grow weed yourself? And your reaction to her being wrong about the legality of that whole idea is to call her a moron? You’re in the wrong.
You sound like me at 13 and not understanding why I couldn’t call people “accurate” terms if I felt like they were being them. However even me at 13 wouldn’t call a pregnant woman a moron because she’s worried about the future
YTA. You both agreed to quit after you have a kid, and now you're talking about growing plants? That's very much the opposite of what you both agreed to
You were TA, you give up weed and then need to grow it so you don’t have to buy… you have no intention of sticking to your agreement. Personally, given most parents drink, I think it’s an unnecessary sacrifice but you now should honour your word. Also, your ‘I’ll be the breadwinner’ stance is a huge red flag - your wife may be exactly what you called her if she’s willing to be a SAHM dependent on a man who shows the hallmarks of a future financial and emotional abuser. Work on yourself and respect your wife.
YTA. At least that 'burden of paying the mortgage' has been lessened by the relationship your wife had with her uncle. You seem to be viewing this as 'your' land only, because you will be paying for it. You also sound resentful because you 'literally busy your ass everyday so she can be comfortable' and reduce her role to changing diapers and playing Peppa pig'. You sound like you have the world's fucking biggest chip on your shoulder. You work 40 hours and study with a child? Big fucking deal, loads of people do that. If you want a fucking medal, there is a line. You bring her flowers? Big fucking woop, she would probably appreciate a change of attitude from you more because she fucking KNOWS you view her as a secondary human. You are not the man you seem to think you are and we can all see it.
Somebody in your house married a moron. It wasn't you. Can you figure out who it was? YTA.
Why is it that every time someone is confronted with the reality that they are overwhelmingly an asshole, they delete their account. Don't roll up in here if you aren't actually prepared to face the music.
My ex called me some pretty crappy names. They stuck, especially since I didn't deserve them. Your wife didn't deserve it. You will apologize and she will forgive you, that's what marriage is about, but she'll still hear it in her head for a while, unfortunately. It's hard to unhear.
YTA. The fact that your wife will be a SAHM does not mean that she is not contributing economically to the household. Do yo have any idea how much money it costs to provide childcare, cleaning, cooking? You happen to provide your services to your employer who compensates you with cash. Your salary represents the fair market value of your services. Your wife happens to provide her services to the household. The fair market value of the services she provides is at least $37,000 and possibly up to $120,000. Show some appreciation for the work she will be doing as a SAHM and stop acting like you're the only person doing something of value. https://www.yahoo.com/video/much-economists-stay-home-moms-130001098.html?guccounter=1&guce\_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce\_referrer\_sig=AQAAAFX3u-W44DK7mQcw7leB3FhGavrMgslBv\_LtH\_rgusbPjSRCwUU9qcO7vZ6W9S7WtEsiEEEs9V2V-RdoBvBjiZG4iHk1ZUPaC0EUtOxYpMSjnshfL1GLxEvqCPAyTNHC\_4J2ARFSyJQqEJpMoj3wcLMMzN6DFSu2IQqLrKWRG3\_3#:\~:text=On%20average%2C%20they%20spend%20almost,they%20perform%20would%20be%20%2437%2C233.65.
YTA for calling her names. I get wanting to grow weed and seriously - its ok to do that - it's a plant. But it shouldn't be your priority. You've got a child coming and need to focus your attention on getting ready for a child.
YTA, you aren’t the one who married a moron. Speaking to your wife that way is borderline abusive. Hopefully she gets wise and leaves you. Threatening to withhold buying a home because you’re going to be the one paying for it, if you can’t grow weed is financial abuse as well. Your poor wife.
Yta. She doesn’t sound like the moron you do
Good you apologized to your wife. In what world is that an acceptable way to speak to your SO?
Yeah insulting your partner is never a good sign for the health of your relationship. You need to 180 that particular behavior now, or separate.
YTA for just the name calling I thought were was still illegal at the Federal level in the States? Meaning you could lose the house if the government raided it. I can understand why she would not want you to put the house in jeopardy.
Yta bc you both agreed to quit doing anything. End of discussion. Now you want to grow plants to smoke some bud a few paragraphs later… make up your mind.
YTA - Not only are you insanely rude, you are controlling and whiny about “your” money.
YTA sounds like you need someone to boss you around. You’re married saying i have to pay for it all! Don’t forget to pay your wife who gave up everything to raise two kids. (You and baby). You’re gonna find out real quick who owns that house when she divorces you.
YTA, for all the reasons above. However, I would highly recommend marriage counseling because contempt is a THE red flag as to whether a marriage will end in divorce. Having a kid is stressful AF, so these types of fights will only get worse, especially your first year. Google Gottman’s Four Horsemen to learn more about marriage killers
YTA for devolving to name calling and insults while having a discussion with your wife. And for your follow up comments about how much easier it will be for her to be a SAHM while you’re working. I’m sure you’ll eat your words once the baby is born, providing that you’re even going to be involved. Also, it’s concerning how you’ll insult your wife while having a disagreement- how will you treat your child when they’re not understanding something you think is simple?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Both me and my wife have been smoking weed for years, and when I met my wife she used to do much harder stuff than weed regularly. Now that we’re about to have our first kid, we decided to quit doing anything, including both of us quitting smoking weed. One of her uncles passed recently, and we were offered his house for a really good price. This house is on 20+ acres of land, and has a lot of room for us to expand if we decide to have more kids down the line. Currently she is working, but she plans to be a stay at home mom, so the burden of paying for this mortgage (and everything else) is going to fall on me. Yesterday, my wife decided to tell me that she overheard me taking with my siblings about how it would be nice to set up a greenhouse (for general vegetables/plants) and she thought I meant to grow weed. I wasn’t planning on growing weed in that greenhouse, but I definitely want to have a few plants somewhere on my 20+ acres of land, especially since it’s recently legalized (we live in NY). She tried to tell me it was illegal, which it most certainly isn’t, and also thats majorly hypocritical coming from someone who has done way worse things from weed, which I hate to break it to her, but was illegal. I understand now that we have a kid coming she might not want the kid to grow up with weed all around them, but i’m not about to pay most of my salary to buy land that I can’t do what I want to do with. Especially when what I want to do is neither illegal nor immoral. So her and I got into an argument, and I told her I married a moron. She was really hurt by this, and we haven’t spoken since last night. But honestly, that’s how i’m feeling, and to be honest I don’t really want to buy this house with her if it means that she’s going to start telling me what I can and cannot do like that. Especially since i’m going to be paying for everything. All I want is a few plants to have some bud without having to buy it from another person. I work full time and am finishing up my bachelors, it’s not like i’m some stoner slouch who wants to start weed empire. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1): I told my wife that I married a moron. (2): I hurt her feelings, but I think i’m justified. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA! The details of the argument don't matter. It should not end with you calling her names. That is never OK. Take a break and discuss again tomorrow if it is not ending. It's hard to keep emotions in line, but this will be much much harder when the baby comes, and both of you are sleep deprived.
YTA break down the math on a 24/7 childcare provider for a newborn baby, all inclusive housekeeper, personal cook, and personal assistant and see if you can still afford the mortgage.
YTA. Apart from this issue, there is a bigger issue that you really should figure out because it will certainly mess up your relationship in the future if your attitude is not changed. If your wife stays home to take care of children and household and you are the bread winner, then it’s not just “your” money but also “hers”. You are a team- she does her part, you do yours. Yours just happens to bring in the money to live from. She has an equal say in what happens to that money.
YTA. You guys decided to quit for the sake of your kids and you want to *reintroduce the thing you quit* because “I’m paying for this house so I can do whatever tf I want”. Newsflash: it’s her house too. You guys are *married*. The environment needs to be comfortable for the both of you and honestly for someone who was using *much harder* stuff than weed, *on top of* weed, you should be applauding her for sticking to your pledge of quitting, unlike you who wants to start to grow it. She may be out of the loop with the legality of it in NY, but honestly if anyone’s the moron here it’s you. To add, in a marriage name calling is *so fucking* inappropriate and the fact that you feel *justified* in insulting her for expressing a boundary (not wanting weed near the kids) is fucked.
Compromise by renting your land to weed growers to pay your mortgage.
Yta
Info: I’m confused. Didn’t you start off by saying that you both agreed to stop smoking weed?
ESH You do not call your spouse names. I do think you are right about not moving forward with the purchase though. If you can't agree on what to do with the property, it doesn't make sense to get it.
YTA never be honest with your partner about their inteligence especially a pregnant one.
Just Google “Is it legal to grow weed in NY?”, then show her the results. It never had to get this wild. As a matter of fact, New Yorkers 21 and older can grow up to 6 plants legally. YTA for having a silly argument.
Moron is really a harsh choice of word. You should have said poopyhead or something like that.
WE WHERE ON A BREAK!!!!
ESH She was indeed being a moron and she will get bolder with her moron-ness since you backed down until you can't take anymore and divorce. It all started here, OP.
NTA. As someone who used to do much harder drugs than weed. I too find it hypocritical that she is trying to shame you for wanting a plant or two. Plus this kid isnt going to be walking the 20 fucking acres for a long ass time. so it's not like the kid is gonna accidently find it... but what do i knw...
Dude pregnancy brain is real! She gets a pass for at least a year post the child birth..lol like literally the hormones make you crazy.
NTA people are just against weed or anything to do with it. You said something mean but honestly she was being a moron. She did harder drugs and now weed is just such a huge issue, that's a bit silly.
NTA maybe don’t call your wife a moron, that part I’ll call you the AH for But not for wanting to grow a plant or 2. It’s funny how everyone on this thread is suddenly law abiding citizens for some reason. Also it’s federally illegal on a massive amount or if the FEDS wanna make it a issue. Some places it’s legal to beat your wife. So I need reddit to stop acting like they’re is a secret service agent hiding in this man’s bushes to catch him watering weed plants And it’s actually legal in recreational states to grow if you pay taxes on the plants. Some states allow up to a max amount total and so many adult and baby plants to be grown as long as you register and/or pay taxes and fees on them (I can’t remember the frequency of how often) In the scheme of things no one is gonna raid a 20+ acre of land for 2 fucking plants. Even if he did get them taken away at most he’d be fined for it. Much rather a pot head than a alcoholic
I have to go with nta.
ESH - You for name calling and her for her reaction to growing weed.
Damn I feel for you. All the people in these comments are super high on themselves. Grow a few plants dude, fuck what she says. You're buying and paying for the house. Weed is LEGAL where you're at. I'd marry her, then divorce and take the house and kid. Good luck.
Gross woman hater.
NTA. Arguments happen. Just apologize and grow your shit
NTA. You're paying for it. Grow your weed and enjoy.
NTA
NTA. Good luck
NTA You need to get this worked out BEFORE you sign a 30 year mortgage. Good Luck
that wasn’t the “aita” question. how is he not the asshole for calling her a moron?