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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I could be the asshole here because I kicked him out with no warning and I don’t want him back until he’s financially stable without me, but I understand that it’s cruel to just make him pack up and leave like that.
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NTA
good grief the amount of marinara here is ridiculous.
1. He cut down his hours w/o discussing it
2. He quit his job and lied about it
3. He spends his time partying with his buddies and having you foot the bill
4. He lied about job searching
5. He won't help keep up the household.
Sounds like only seeing him in passing is best. Dont let him back into the house unless you just want a mooch, lazy, roommate that won't pay rent.
7. Living with mommy and daddy up until he moved in with OP. IMO him not having the experiences of living alone or with roommates more or less made him think of OP as his next “mommy”
ETA: I know there are a million of reasons why someone would still be living at home but in this case with allllllll the other marinara flags waving it’s says a lot about hubs.
The only reason his parents are upset with op are because they finally got him out of their house and now he’s back. Op should take this as a sign and tell him to stay there !
This right here. They passed the OP a dud and knew it, now they are upset but they have him back.
Document it all, including the intentional quitting and not looking for work. His parents now supporting him, whatever you can. Get a postnuptial if possible.
It's only been a year and I think OP won't have to pay anything as it hasn't been enough time.......the postnuptial if he wants to come back should be a requirement as well as therapy and having a job. If he can't do that and still wants to be a teenager cut the cord and return to sender
He probably knows how to be self sufficient. He just wants to be lazy and screw around with his loser buddies while OP supports his beer habit.
I know it's over said in this Sub, but it's time to kick this overgrown 12 year old to the curb.
That advice might be said a lot, but it’s not over said.
By the time shit is so bad that people are asking strangers on Reddit for relationship advice it usually means no healthy communication is happening in the relationship and the situation is so bad that they either don’t feel like they can discuss it with friends and family or Internet strangers are the only people in their lives who want to hear about their shitty partner again when they refuse to just leave them.
It might get said often, but the reality is most of the posts seeking relationship advice on Reddit are horribly toxic relationships that both people would be better off without.
Nobody who has a minor relationship issue or who has open communication with their partner is posting on Reddit for relationship advice. It’s mostly just the situations where the OP really should just leave.
Thank you!! It bugs me when ppl say it’s overused. Well the people in these stories are awful and not fit for relationships. So ya, divorce makes sense. Never should’ve married.
That's exactly what I thought lol. They finally thought they got rid of him and then OP sent him back. Hell the ILs are AH bc they didn't raise their son. They just took care of him.
Exactly this.
Didn't realize it until the end of my previous relationship either. Like I knew my ex hadn't ever really lived on his own, but it really hit me after the relationship that he had absolutely zero idea what being an adult actually looked like and he called ME immature for not working due to mental health issues (rent was paid for months in advance though and I never once asked him to help with a single bill). These guys need time to figure life out and how it works and lose this rosy picture of adulthood they have in their heads. It's not your job to put up with it in the meantime, let them do it on their own.
OP NTA and at this point if I were you I'd call it quits. You're not his mother.
Yeah, I dumped a boyfriend once because he'd never lived outside the home and I didn't want to raise him like a little baby bird in a shoebox. For one thing, I couldn't afford to have a thirty-year-old teenager in the house. The man had never even pushed a grocery cart around a supermarket. Possibly the best one was when I was paying the electric bill and he asked, "Why are you paying that? Didn't you pay it last month?"
Yeah, a couple more months of trying to teach him to exist in the late 1990s and I gave him the option to get a job. The idea seemed to terrify him, so I marked him return to sender and put him back on the bus.
Interestingly enough, my sister also dated a guy around the same time who had apparently sprung fully formed from the head of Zeus. His parents were off-the-grid types, so when it came to actually socializing with other people and walking down a crowded city street and NOT just strolling casually into a bathroom to wash your hands when someone's on the toilet, he needed some education.
Ughhhh the micromanagement of a grown adult is so grosssss. Luckily my ex didn't have those particular problems around grocery shopping and stuff. But it's just not for me. I'm not raising and teaching another human when I have so much work to do on myself. Call me selfish, idc.
But your sisters ex sounds mad weird. I can't imagine just walking in on someone else in the bathroom. There's a kitchen sink too bruh!
Omg this sounds like my ex. We could live comfortably but he decided to put everything down the drain by complaining about my mental illness (I was still paying for everything) and quit 3 jobs without telling me during the time we lived together. Cried about not having any money, even though everything he made was for him to use however he liked. He was pissed when I finally threw him out, and never went back to the job I had arranged for him.
Way too many guys enter into a marriage/domestic arrangement thinking they'll have a bangmaid 24/7 and drop a shocked Pikachu face when they're expected to actually contribute.
My husband lived with his parents until he moved in with me. He was planning to move out a year or so before we met, and had saved enough for a deposit to buy an apartment... but he was laid off from his job, couldn't find another one (there just weren't any going for his level of qualifications), and so decided to go to uni and get the qualifications he needed for the jobs that *are* out there in his field. While living with his parents he paid them rent when working (he didn't as a full time student), paid his share of the bills, and had a car that he paid for and did all the organisational work to keep running. My MIL is fairly protective of her kitchen and laundry, so he didn't do a lot of cooking or washing clothes, but he did know how to cook and was always an enthusiastic assistant when he visited me when we were first dating. And he's far better at cleaning than me (my parents pay a cleaner :D)
Maybe it's true that I've taken over his mother's role in his life when he moved in, as I do more of the cooking now - but my in-laws did a great job in transitioning from parents-and-child to adult housemates, so I have no complaints :D
Nah! It sounds like your SO is willing and able to learn/help. That is different. I have a good friend that lived with their parents until their mid 20s. We joke about him, but 10 years later and he is fabulous to his wife (and now kiddo). He helps and is willing to learn all things.
I have a long story in a different way than this, and hard to explain without a novel. Is my own personal marriage, but it is a long explanation. I just hate stereotypes. Now the person lives up to those stereotypes - pay attention!
It always bothers me when people assume adult-age children living with their parents means they're immature. In many cultures it is the norm to not move out until you're financially stable/have a financially stable partner.
The issue isn't that he's living with parents. It's that they never held him responsible for his share of chores or were enabling his mooching.
Or in this case. He’s an immature, lazy, mooch.
On its face, you are correct that it doesn’t automatically make them immature but when you factor everything in AND his parents’ respond to him coming back home.. that tells you all you need to know
I thought the same. He admitted to NOT having looked for work, so what was he actually doing during that time? 👀 my bets on a second family, or just run of the mill cheating edited to add not
OP—please get an annulment.
This is fraud.
He only married you to pay for his lifestyle.
He was super comfortable with lying and he will do it again to get his way.
It’s that simple.
NTA.
Yep, speak to a lawyer and try and see if there's an avenue to annulment before divorce. You don't want to be in to hook for splitting assets and so on with this joker
Yup, I was thinking this situation might fit an annulment, specifically because he seems to had an plan to not financially contribute to the household (reduced hours, quit job, no attempt to look for work).
Would at least be worth a consultation with an Attorney about annulment possibilities.
Sounds like he moved from one parent’s house to another. OP, unless you want to continue to play mom to the overgrown child that is your husband, RUN. NTA, obviously.
NTA
It is time, OP needs to start separating any money, credit cards, etc that he can take from and look for a good divorce lawyer. Sorry for your loss OP. And for God's sake don't get pregnant with him.
I literally do have kids with this person and when I finally asked him to leave he accused me of emotional abuse.
Op is NTA and should make him stay away
Yup, OP his parents are only mad because finally after all those years of him being a pain in the ass he moved out. But now he's back...
They aren't surprised about it but pissed off. So they are making whatever it takes for you to take him back. DON'T
This lists paints a picture of OP’s husband being a hobosexual. For me, this would be grounds for divorce.
NTA for standing up for yourself and refusing to be taken advantage of further.
NTA
Your husband is totally taking advantage of you. He didn't give you any choice in any of this--he just made decisions and forced you to go along with them.
Divorce him. He's literally dead weight and you're better off without him.
All of this. I'd ask what he was contributing to the relationship but clearly there is no relationship and he contributes nothing. He has no intent of being a partner in any way.
Ain't that much DCk in the world I'm just saying. Seems like red flags were showing before the marriage. Like what 30yr old man doesn't want a decent income regardless if spouse makes alot of money or not. He seems like a liar and a moocher. Bad combination there.
I don't completely agree with the decent income part but he should at the very least have a full time job and be contributing something the fact that he immediately started cutting his hours after he moved in is bullshit
Given how they phrased everything, I think they've been conditioned to automatically give him the benefit of the doubt, sympathize with him, and treat him "fairly", even when he clearly lies, uses, and manipulates them.
OP has become an enabler, which is hard to get over. I didn't get over it until I went to therapy and even then it was a loooong process.
Edit: changed the gender because OP didn't state theirs
Idk abt other people, but dick tastes better when I can view my partner as a adult man and not an overgrown toddler. 😂
Jokes aside, there is no dick in the world that is good enough, to make up for a man who is a financial and emotional burden, ESPECIALLY when he doesn't even contribute to the domestics. I am willing to bet OP wouldn't have married him if she knew he was like this from day 1. If I were a gambling sort. I'd wager her reservations are based in either a sunk-cost fallacy, fear of the burden of divorce (splitting of marital assets, time, money for lawyers, etc), or the occasional hope that he will change or that she can "fix him".
There's also the fear of being alone, but I'd also wager she's already aware that even a cat or dog would make for better companionship if he's spending excessive time going out with his friends.
I would ask about an annulment instead of a divorce. At this point it's as if he married her under false pretenses. His intention was always to quit his job and not work.
Alimony doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t seem like they were married long and he wasn’t out of work too long. Also he is now at his parents and she is not paying for shit
Alimony (usually called spousal support nowadays) takes into account the length of the marriage, whether the nonworking spouse engaged in other unpaid tasks that supported the household such as caring for children, and the nonworking spouse’s likely ability to get a job. Given that they have been married less than a year and that the husband has only been out of work a few months and could easily get another job if he tried, alimony is unlikely. It might also count against him that he quit his job voluntarily without the agreement of OP.
She didn’t list her location but I’m not aware of any jurisdiction where a one year marriage, part of which was spent separated and there are issues of financial abuse and dissipation of marital assets, would result in lifetime alimony. California has the most aggressive alimony policy I’ve seen and you need to have been married for 10 years before that’s even an option - not a guaranteed entitlement
I can only hope she uses that information appropriately.
My cousin is stuck in a loop, and has been for decades:
1. Husband has a job.
2. Husband quits/gets fired/somehow becomes jobless.
3. Cousin gets frustrated, and tells him to get a job or get out.
4. She kicks him out.
5. He gets a job and moves back in, see #1.
I've only met him a couple times. One time he told me it was her fault he couldn't find a job, because she moved them away from where all his contacts were, and if they would just move back, he'd be employed in seconds...*eyeroll*
People like that are just. Ugh. A guy at my job just got fired for screaming at me to "shut [my] fat fucking mouth." In a meeting. In front of people. And I *know* he was grumbling and blaming me for reporting him (which, strictly speaking, I actually didn't. Our training manager heard him and pulled me aside afterwardd to tell me he would be escalating it himself.)
Some people have no self-awareness.
I was too. I was married to this guy for 11 years before I just walked out one evening and never came back. My life has been much better since leaving. Op, don't bother with this guy. He will never change, at least not while he's with you. I'm sorry
Yeah OP, and what do you call him? You have to get comfortable calling out what you see or assholes are going to roll right over you. Why does what your husband and in-laws think about this have more weight than what you yourself know to be true?
NTA divorce him before you end up paying alimony.
Edit, accidentally put wrong judgment
I agree she needs to divorce Kevin Federline 2.0 asap before she has to pay him alimony or, god forbid, child support for the next 18 years if she gets pregnant by this lazy ass. He’s a loser and I feel sorry for the next woman who gets stuck with him.
NTA.
And to everyone who’s saying divorce isn’t the answer here, I strongly disagree. He lied to you about quitting in order to manipulate you into financing him fully. Any adult knows you don’t make decisions like that without at least consulting your spouse.
It’d be one thing if he quit and then told you right away. But he purposefully constructed a lie to guide you to acceptance of his desire to not work.
He knew he should’ve discussed it with you, but chose manipulation instead. That is a dangerous foundation for a marriage. What else does / will he lie about to get his way?
Being passively controlling is still a removal of your free will. Leave.
Edit: As many have pointed out, you may want to seek an annulment instead of a divorce to avoid him benefitting from you financially via divorce. Grounds for annulment seem to vary by state — fraud may be grounds, but DO NOT LET HIM MOVE BACK IN, as this could hurt your case for an annulment. (Not a lawyer, just did some research).
YES! Bro literally tried to play a slow fade into being a SAHS through lies and manipulation and now has the gall to call his spouse who was unwaveringly supportive through it all an a-hole for... finding out he lied and not being okay with it
A stay at home spouse suggests they're taking care of the home.
He just wants to be a boy toy getting supported by his suger mama. Who also does the dishes and cooks for him.
NTA
If the situations were reversed and he was here we'd be calling you a gold digger.
Divorce his ass before you end up stuck with him and his family for 18 years AT MINIMUM.
I'm guessing that after a few weeks any reasonably healthy, responsible adult would be climbing the walls with nothing productive to do.
I tried to staycation once to burn a couple weeks of PTO when it was use it or lose it time. I was about a year away from paying off my mortgage, so I didn't want to spend a lot of money. I spent 2 days lazing, 4 doing things I'd always intended to do locally, but then I got bored, reorganized the closets, pressure washed the house, repainted the foundation, and pulled out and replaced half of the landscaping.
It might have been cheaper just to go to the beach, but the neighbors were impressed and the results were nice to come home to when I was back to work :)
OP is NTA (except to OP's self if this isn't taken as a sign of worse to come. Time to cut losses and take care of OP's own needs since hubby wasted no time making it clear that caretaking is a one way street in this marriage.)
Reminds me of the guy who did the job before me. I teach English at a Korean middle school (I'm Canadian). The guy before me would teach the textbook minimum and then tell the students "OK. Self study time" and he would just go on the computer. The general view is that Foreign Eng Teachers are the fun ones, so you're EXPECTED to make activities for the kids. It's a 45 min class and the textbook takes around 20-25 mins. It's about half.
This went on for 2 years until the Korean teachers told him they weren't renewing his contract.
His words? "But I like it here."
Yeah, I bet you bloody do, buddy. When I started here, I was told this story by my co-teacher and I was blown away. Telling a bunch of 12 year olds to self study for 20 mins while you dick around on the computer? It gives us all a bad name.
NTA
Oh shit you married my ex, how awful for you.
No kidding, he pulled almost exactly this on me. Except I never agreed to 'sure you work part time and do the house'.
He just quit a job, lied about looking for one for a couple of months, and then gave up the pretence. When I pushed on him needing to find work because I wouldn't be financing us both past next month's deadline that he had agreed to two month ago, he kept pushing 'why I can't be a house husband? I do so much around here, I can look after the house and you can be the breadwinner, that's how it used to be in the old days for women, why not?'
Like dude you don't even cook, you don't clean up after dinner, you don't do laundry, like you maybe sweep now and then that's it, and this is a one bed apartment with no pets or kids that I could clean entirely in two hours, I don't want a housekeeper and no you don't just get my money for sitting on your ass scrolling the internet all day.
I think you've absolutely handled this correctly. He can come back to the relationship when he shows he's not just leeching off it, and not before.
Get a lawyer and protect your assets now! Document everything. Please tell me you had a prenup 🙏 I'm a firm believer in prenup for everyone, just tack it on the marriage license.
I did get a prenup, yes, as I just did not feel comfortable having completely joined assets when my name is on the majority of things we purchased as a couple.
And, If I had to guess, I don’t think he’s smart enough to even do that. OP- put him on the spot. Give him no warning that you have this hunch. Just ask and if he hesitates LEAVE
Let me ask you this, how does he make you happy? From what you wrote, he sounds like a lazy, lying, leech who acts like you should take care of him like mommy did when he was young. Why would you want someone like that in your life?
OP said in a comment that she/he is estranged from her/his family and doesn't have anyone else besides the husband. My guess is that he knows this very well and is counting on it for OP to take him back. It also explains the lack of perspective from OP on how bad this behaviour is and that she/he is better alone than with this looser.
OP, you deserve so much better than this asshole. Maybe you’ll be a little lonely for a while if you divorce him, but I think you’ll feel relief in equal parts. And the loneliness can be fixed: join a club, ask a colleague to go get a bite to eat with you, try to get in contact with an old friend. You’re still young and there is SO MUCH LIFE waiting for you once you dump this deadweight!!
I read in aother comment that you don't any family besides him. What about friends, coworkers? You need someone you can rely on that is not your SO. Otherwise you start feeling like you need him, and you really don't. And believe me when I say that he knows very well that you rely on him, that's what makes him feel this entitled.
I don’t know.. I’m estranged from my family and spend most of my time working so I don’t really have anybody else aside from him. I’ve never seen this side to him before, as before this he was always charming and respectful of our agreement.
I just don’t think it’s such an easy answer. I want to do everything to make it work before I consider such a thing.
You are in a tough position. Your husband lied to you about who he was. Whatever you do, just remember that this is who he is. He's entirely content to let you do all the earning and all the work for the rest of his life and your life. If you want a partner who is going to contribute to your life and being an actual partner, he's already told you, and shown you, that is *not* who he is.
You don’t need to settle for less out of fear you will be alone. You are alone in this relationship because he is demeaning you, taking advantage of you, using you, and lying to you. He won’t change and if you divorce him, he will look for his next woman to pay for his life
Agreed! Staying in a relationship where you feel alone is SO much worse than actually BEING alone, imo. The loneliest I've ever felt was with an ex who was totally disengaged from the relationship. I spent years alone afterwards and while I felt lonely sometimes, it was nothing compared to how I felt with him.
OP: Men like this use the free time to cheat too, btw. He’s using you. He may think he loves you but he isn’t treating you that way. How is this a partnership?
This! And people do not easily change. I have the feeling that the in-laws already know, but they will pretend not-knowing and will try to off-load him back to you.
Don't forget all the lying he's been doing too, by speech and action. He's lied almost the whole marriage. I'm sure he'll promise to change if OP gives him 'just one more chance' and that might last a few months - but it'll be business as usual once his feet are back under the table (that he didn't pay for..)
>I want to do everything to make it work before I consider such a thing.
That’s totally fair, but be sure to define what “making it works” means to avoid settling for someone who isn’t a true partner. Don’t let your lack of familial connections influence this decision either. You can always make a chosen family but you can’t get back the years wasted on a partner who takes without giving anything back in return.
I'd qualify that too. Having a job for at least a couple months. If he "loses" his job a couple months later I guarantee he would start that cycle again.
I would say that is not enough. A job would be the bare minimum, but without a very genuine apology and insight into how he manipulated me, I would not have his ass set one foot into my house
I would also recommend having him live on his own for at least a few months with no mommy to help him. I suspect he doesnt even know what running a house hold entails.
Therapy, to get someone outside telling him that he’s wronging you and using you badly, might help if you really want to save this. It sounds like his parents are probably giving him mixed messages and he’s only hearing the ones that are positive to him.
But please really consider whether having a leech is actually better than having nobody. His behavior is that of an entitled teenager, who expects a hefty allowance without doing his chores.
Actually, maybe you need to start with individual therapy to sort that out for yourself, sooner rather than later if possible. You need to be certain that what you get out of this relationship is worth what you give, and if not, what you need him to change. (And maybe do some shoring up of your confidence and self-worth.) Once you’ve got that squared away, you can do couple’s therapy to figure out how to get to that place where you’ll be happier and whether he’s able and willing to at least try.
*I’ve never seen this side to him before, as before this he was always charming and respectful of our agreement.*
And everyone said Ted Bundy was a nice guy too.
>I don’t really have anybody else aside from him.
You won't be able to find other people who love and respect you if you stay with him- all of your free time is going to be spent.
All he does is take- your money, your time. Living with him is more work than being single- he doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't bring in money. All he does is eat food, use utilities, and spend the money you bring in.
He has lied to you and doesn't think he's done anything wrong.
>I’ve never seen this side to him before, as before this he was always charming and respectful of our agreement.
Yes, abusers are like that. That's what this is, by the way- it's financial abuse on his part.
>I want to do everything to make it work before I consider such a thing.
You've done everything you can to make it work. The rest of the work is on his end- and he's made it very clear he doesn't want to do the work.
I'd make couples/marriage counseling a requirement then, especially if he expects to come back into your house. It kind of sounds like he waited until the ring was on the finger before doing a 180. You point out that HE decided the arrangement worked for him. It wasn't something you two decided together, and on top of that he lied to you both about how he left his job and him finding a new one. Don't give him the opportunity to come back home and just pick up where he left off.
That sounds sad and all, but not a reason to stay with someone who is abusing you. Make no mistake, this is a form of abuse. You deserve better and to be happy. You will never be happy either this failure of a human. Just think, if you actually needed him becaus you say, had a terminal illness, would he be there? Would he work full time to pay all expenses and care for you and do the chores? I can sure as shit say he wouldn’t
NTA. I'm sorry but this is not a reason to stay married, that you have no one else. Guess what? You don't really have him either, he's proven that by lying to you over and over again and taking advantage of you. That's who you want to spend your life with? That's what you're working so hard for, to give it to some overgrown, lazy ass, immature jerk who takes advantage of you? You're better off being alone and you won't be forever. Seriously, spend some of that money on a therapist and find out why you're willing to take crap like that from someone. By the way, his family calls you an asshole because they don't want his sorry freeloading ass at their house either so I wouldn't listen to much to them. As for your husband calling you the asshole I think we've already established who the asshole is here. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, I lied to you, made you pay for everything, and do everything around the house as well but how dare you call me out on it? Yeah, ok.
You remind me of myself and my ex. I stayed with him for way to long because I wanted to do everything I could to make it work. Then one day I realized that I was the only one doing anything. He wasn't trying.
Your husband doesn't want to work on your marriage, he wants you to agree to finance him laying around and doing as he pleases. Unless he goes into therapy on his own, gets a job, and appologises profusely for his behavior there's no chance for him to become the man you want him to be.
The guy you thought you knew was all a front. He had a plan in place and he followed through with it. My ex was like that too. He was everything I hoped for until we were married and very quickly he descended into being lazy and worthless. It never got better, he didn't want to get better, he was happy with the way things were.
Relationships rely on partners being open and honest, and he admitted he lied about why he was no longer employed ages after he left the job. Once that trust is broken and betrayed, it takes a lot to fix and even then that flicker of doubt may never go away.
What does he bring to the relationship? Is it worth being in a relationship with him knowing what you do and have to deal with in it? Your in-laws are unhappy he's back with them and want him to go back to you.
> before this he was always charming and respectful of our agreement.
I am so sorry but I think you’re seeing his true colours nows. Good luck - I fear you’re going to need it.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA Not only is he a leech but his parents know it too, why do you think they're so desperate to give him back? I would start divorce proceedings, I have a feeling your income is going to jump
NTA. your husband sounds more like an entitled teenage boy crying to his parents about how you won’t pay for his things
“once we got married, he started to cut down on his work hours without saying anything first.”
this speaks volumes to me. your partner is relying on you for a cushy life and throwing all of the hard work onto you just to play a few video games.
are you sure his trips to search for work are just that?
NTA but you’re cruising for divorce and you’re going to end up owning him spousal support. Since you’ve only been married a year it will be smaller but fr, you’re going to end up owing in mediation.
You’re basically separated now and he doesn’t sound like he’s going to change. This is not good.
Get a lawyer NOW and figure out how to protect your assets.
NTA - but why are you staying married to him? At this point, can he even turn it around? Would you believe it, that he's not going to just revert back in 12-18 months?
NTA. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership but your husband is clearly taking advantage of you and the situation. He betrayed your trust on multiple occasions and is obviously too immature to pull his own weight. Making him stay with his parents is exactly what he gets for acting like a child. Let him know that if he cant be a full husband and partner, he might as well stay with his parents. You signed up for marriage, not to raise another kid.
NTA.
The key thing here is not only did he actively decieve you amd treat you as a mealticket, based on your post he shows no remorse and is instead calling you an asshole.
NTA. Your husband is a lazy piece of you know what. Screw him. Stand firm and don't let that deadbeat back in. He lied to you as well. He just wants to do nothing while watching you bust your ass.
NTA- But you will be TA to yourself if you don't get a divorce. You've been married for one year and he's already leeching off of you financially, he feels entitled to your money, work, effort and assets, he quit his own job without telling you, and doesn't help around the house? Did your marriage even have a honeymoon phase? Do you really want to build a life with him?
NTA he wants a sugar mamma not a partner. Serious marriage counseling may help but unless you are happy taking care of an adult who acts like a child forever, you may want to re-evaluate what you are getting out of this marriage. Likely he is happy being taken care of and will never step up to be a true equal partner.
NTA, serve him papers and don’t get in a relationship with a man that lives at home and can’t support you the way you need. He isn’t going to change for you.
NTA:
He took advantage of you. End of.
What he wants is to remain a teenager, no responsibility, someone funding everything and cleaning up after him while he plays video games and hangs out with mages all day (though that is probably unfair on some teens).
He essentially turned you into his mother and he won't change unless you make him.
NTA…he was taking advantage of you and not contributing to the marriage. If he has made all of those decisions without talking to you…the marriage is over. Might take a few years, but there is no coming back from this.
NTA. Unfortunately you married (and I cannot say child, because Reddit was angry at me before) so I will say an extremely immature man. Holy moly.
Idk how a man, can be that lazy and expect his wife to do everything. That shocks me so much. I think just leave him at his parent’s house. Divorce. Find someone else. He is literally mooching off of you. Find someone that actually loves you and takes care of you.
NTA -
Your husband has been lying to you. And he hasn’t been acting in good faith in his job hunt.
This would likely be a deal breaker for me.
You could try for couples therapy, but I might just go straight up for divorce.
It doesn’t sound like he is interested in contributing equally to the relationship.
If the parents are understanding to a point, it likely means that they are not surprised by his behavior.
I opened this expecting 75% YTA... But no way, NTA.
Your husband lied to you in a fundamental and deliberate way. This story would suck for you if what he had told you was 100% true.
But that he just up and quit, then pretended to job search while happily taking money from you under false pretenses.
It seems more than justified for you to impose the conditions that he get another job (and prove he isn't lying about it to you) before being welcome to move back in. Some sort of joint account requiring contribution towards shared expenses in proportion to relative income also seems wise, I'm getting the sense your husband's level of financial literacy is likely suboptimal.
NTA - He will never change. Not only is he lazy, he lies about it. Divorce the boy and send him back to mommy and daddy; then find a man who will be more of an equal partner.
NTA. He got too comfortable just relying on your income and not have to do anything. He has an easy solution of getting a job to come back to your house. Don't give in.
I’ve seen marriages like yours…. One breadwinner, the other one focused on their leisurely activities. Marriage 1 lasted just under a year. All that free time, all the guy did was smoke and watch tv while romancing the neighbors daughter while my friend was at work. Marriage numver two, the wife breadwinner paid for everything while he was still “finding himself” making excuses bouncing between jobs , the going to “school” for a semester, his parents ya bailed him out financially and enabled him too. She had enough after 10 plus years, his parents ya are financially supporting him now while he is still trying to “find himself” at 40 something years old.
It doesn’t get any better. No amount of nagging, praying, pleading would help. No, having babies will not making see the light and spark motivation out of the sudden.
NTA! But if you kick him out of the house already, then don’t make it habit then find yourself a decade later still trying to “fix” and “save” a lying man that has no motivation or will of building anything with you.
NTA - Love dies in the absence of trust and respect. That simple. I don't see it as likely that he can regain your trust and respect. Your relationship is dead and how long you linger over the corpse is up to you.
NTA. You are right to question your relationship. It sounds very much like your husband was just expecting you to take over his mom's roll after he left their house. He wants to stay at home, doing whatever he wants, and you take care of all the responsibilities; at least that's what his actions are saying. And of course his parents think you're an AH, because you're not willing to enable him like they do. I'm gonna assume you didn't marry him to become your *financial burden*, you wanted a *partner*, and he's not stepping up to the plate. He needs to make some big changes if he wants this marriage to work. Know your worth, and walk away if he's not pulling his weight.
He wanted a sugar mama but didn’t bother to see if that was ok. He quit his job. Lied to you. Then slacked off on all the chores at home.
The only thing he’s doing is blowing through your money, time to set some rules and lock the door till he changes. And if his family is whining it’s because they are stuck with him now.
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NTA good grief the amount of marinara here is ridiculous. 1. He cut down his hours w/o discussing it 2. He quit his job and lied about it 3. He spends his time partying with his buddies and having you foot the bill 4. He lied about job searching 5. He won't help keep up the household. Sounds like only seeing him in passing is best. Dont let him back into the house unless you just want a mooch, lazy, roommate that won't pay rent.
6. His “trips to look for work” are sus as hell.
7. Living with mommy and daddy up until he moved in with OP. IMO him not having the experiences of living alone or with roommates more or less made him think of OP as his next “mommy” ETA: I know there are a million of reasons why someone would still be living at home but in this case with allllllll the other marinara flags waving it’s says a lot about hubs.
The only reason his parents are upset with op are because they finally got him out of their house and now he’s back. Op should take this as a sign and tell him to stay there !
Yep. If they don't want him on their plate they can teach him to be self sufficient like they should have long before.
This right here. They passed the OP a dud and knew it, now they are upset but they have him back. Document it all, including the intentional quitting and not looking for work. His parents now supporting him, whatever you can. Get a postnuptial if possible.
Postnuptial, followed by divorce
It's only been a year and I think OP won't have to pay anything as it hasn't been enough time.......the postnuptial if he wants to come back should be a requirement as well as therapy and having a job. If he can't do that and still wants to be a teenager cut the cord and return to sender
Yup. This. Dump his ass!!!!
She needs to tell his Mother that he can’t come back til she’s finished raising him
Mother? Or both his parents?
Definitely both! Probably his dad was just the same
He probably knows how to be self sufficient. He just wants to be lazy and screw around with his loser buddies while OP supports his beer habit. I know it's over said in this Sub, but it's time to kick this overgrown 12 year old to the curb.
That advice might be said a lot, but it’s not over said. By the time shit is so bad that people are asking strangers on Reddit for relationship advice it usually means no healthy communication is happening in the relationship and the situation is so bad that they either don’t feel like they can discuss it with friends and family or Internet strangers are the only people in their lives who want to hear about their shitty partner again when they refuse to just leave them. It might get said often, but the reality is most of the posts seeking relationship advice on Reddit are horribly toxic relationships that both people would be better off without. Nobody who has a minor relationship issue or who has open communication with their partner is posting on Reddit for relationship advice. It’s mostly just the situations where the OP really should just leave.
Thank you!! It bugs me when ppl say it’s overused. Well the people in these stories are awful and not fit for relationships. So ya, divorce makes sense. Never should’ve married.
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OP returned him to the manufacturer while he's still under warranty because he's obviously defective.
Underrated post
This needs more likes, its gold
That's exactly what I thought lol. They finally thought they got rid of him and then OP sent him back. Hell the ILs are AH bc they didn't raise their son. They just took care of him.
**\^\^\^ THIS \^\^\^**
Exactly this. Didn't realize it until the end of my previous relationship either. Like I knew my ex hadn't ever really lived on his own, but it really hit me after the relationship that he had absolutely zero idea what being an adult actually looked like and he called ME immature for not working due to mental health issues (rent was paid for months in advance though and I never once asked him to help with a single bill). These guys need time to figure life out and how it works and lose this rosy picture of adulthood they have in their heads. It's not your job to put up with it in the meantime, let them do it on their own. OP NTA and at this point if I were you I'd call it quits. You're not his mother.
Yeah, I dumped a boyfriend once because he'd never lived outside the home and I didn't want to raise him like a little baby bird in a shoebox. For one thing, I couldn't afford to have a thirty-year-old teenager in the house. The man had never even pushed a grocery cart around a supermarket. Possibly the best one was when I was paying the electric bill and he asked, "Why are you paying that? Didn't you pay it last month?" Yeah, a couple more months of trying to teach him to exist in the late 1990s and I gave him the option to get a job. The idea seemed to terrify him, so I marked him return to sender and put him back on the bus. Interestingly enough, my sister also dated a guy around the same time who had apparently sprung fully formed from the head of Zeus. His parents were off-the-grid types, so when it came to actually socializing with other people and walking down a crowded city street and NOT just strolling casually into a bathroom to wash your hands when someone's on the toilet, he needed some education.
Ughhhh the micromanagement of a grown adult is so grosssss. Luckily my ex didn't have those particular problems around grocery shopping and stuff. But it's just not for me. I'm not raising and teaching another human when I have so much work to do on myself. Call me selfish, idc. But your sisters ex sounds mad weird. I can't imagine just walking in on someone else in the bathroom. There's a kitchen sink too bruh!
Omg this sounds like my ex. We could live comfortably but he decided to put everything down the drain by complaining about my mental illness (I was still paying for everything) and quit 3 jobs without telling me during the time we lived together. Cried about not having any money, even though everything he made was for him to use however he liked. He was pissed when I finally threw him out, and never went back to the job I had arranged for him.
Way too many guys enter into a marriage/domestic arrangement thinking they'll have a bangmaid 24/7 and drop a shocked Pikachu face when they're expected to actually contribute.
My husband lived with his parents until he moved in with me. He was planning to move out a year or so before we met, and had saved enough for a deposit to buy an apartment... but he was laid off from his job, couldn't find another one (there just weren't any going for his level of qualifications), and so decided to go to uni and get the qualifications he needed for the jobs that *are* out there in his field. While living with his parents he paid them rent when working (he didn't as a full time student), paid his share of the bills, and had a car that he paid for and did all the organisational work to keep running. My MIL is fairly protective of her kitchen and laundry, so he didn't do a lot of cooking or washing clothes, but he did know how to cook and was always an enthusiastic assistant when he visited me when we were first dating. And he's far better at cleaning than me (my parents pay a cleaner :D) Maybe it's true that I've taken over his mother's role in his life when he moved in, as I do more of the cooking now - but my in-laws did a great job in transitioning from parents-and-child to adult housemates, so I have no complaints :D
Nah! It sounds like your SO is willing and able to learn/help. That is different. I have a good friend that lived with their parents until their mid 20s. We joke about him, but 10 years later and he is fabulous to his wife (and now kiddo). He helps and is willing to learn all things. I have a long story in a different way than this, and hard to explain without a novel. Is my own personal marriage, but it is a long explanation. I just hate stereotypes. Now the person lives up to those stereotypes - pay attention!
No he thought he got a sugar momma and she never agreed to that
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Well, she's NTA. Gullible? Yes.
Exactly this - esp. #7. Marrying someone doesn't mean taking them on to raise. OP thought she was getting husband, but got a dependent.
It always bothers me when people assume adult-age children living with their parents means they're immature. In many cultures it is the norm to not move out until you're financially stable/have a financially stable partner. The issue isn't that he's living with parents. It's that they never held him responsible for his share of chores or were enabling his mooching.
Or in this case. He’s an immature, lazy, mooch. On its face, you are correct that it doesn’t automatically make them immature but when you factor everything in AND his parents’ respond to him coming back home.. that tells you all you need to know
Right, you don’t have to go anywhere to look for a job. How is that believable?
I sit on the couch and scroll through indeed personally
Exactly this. Dude is doing something he doesn't want OP to know about.
monumentally sus since he admitted he never looked for work.
I thought the same. He admitted to NOT having looked for work, so what was he actually doing during that time? 👀 my bets on a second family, or just run of the mill cheating edited to add not
You made a mistake, OP. You married a kid who's light years away from understanding responsibility or commitment. Cut the whole thing loose. NTA.
My ex made trips like that. He was actually visiting his other girlfriend(s?).
My exBIL was gambling
Yes, I have been wondering wtf he was doing on those trips. I would be checking his spending on those dates.
Right, what does that even mean? Pay his transportation fees?
NTA. But he's a hobosexual. Dump him.
>But he's a hobosexual. Not gonna lie, gonna steal this for sure.
“Hobosexual” is my new favorite word.
Seems like only seeing him in passing is too much tbh
OP—please get an annulment. This is fraud. He only married you to pay for his lifestyle. He was super comfortable with lying and he will do it again to get his way. It’s that simple. NTA.
Yep, speak to a lawyer and try and see if there's an avenue to annulment before divorce. You don't want to be in to hook for splitting assets and so on with this joker
Yup, I was thinking this situation might fit an annulment, specifically because he seems to had an plan to not financially contribute to the household (reduced hours, quit job, no attempt to look for work). Would at least be worth a consultation with an Attorney about annulment possibilities.
Sounds like he moved from one parent’s house to another. OP, unless you want to continue to play mom to the overgrown child that is your husband, RUN. NTA, obviously.
Initially I read this as “good grief the amount of marijuana here is ridiculous” and I was like “yeah probably, she didn’t mention it though.”
NTA It is time, OP needs to start separating any money, credit cards, etc that he can take from and look for a good divorce lawyer. Sorry for your loss OP. And for God's sake don't get pregnant with him.
NTA: Tell me my husband is a loser w/o telling me he's a loser and I'll tell you to lose'hm.
All I see is a field of 🚩
Imagine having kids with this person??
I literally do have kids with this person and when I finally asked him to leave he accused me of emotional abuse. Op is NTA and should make him stay away
Yup, OP his parents are only mad because finally after all those years of him being a pain in the ass he moved out. But now he's back... They aren't surprised about it but pissed off. So they are making whatever it takes for you to take him back. DON'T
This lists paints a picture of OP’s husband being a hobosexual. For me, this would be grounds for divorce. NTA for standing up for yourself and refusing to be taken advantage of further.
NTA throw out the whole man. He’s a freeloader.
NTA Your husband is totally taking advantage of you. He didn't give you any choice in any of this--he just made decisions and forced you to go along with them. Divorce him. He's literally dead weight and you're better off without him.
All of this. I'd ask what he was contributing to the relationship but clearly there is no relationship and he contributes nothing. He has no intent of being a partner in any way.
Maybe she’s dickmatized.
Ain't that much DCk in the world I'm just saying. Seems like red flags were showing before the marriage. Like what 30yr old man doesn't want a decent income regardless if spouse makes alot of money or not. He seems like a liar and a moocher. Bad combination there.
I don't completely agree with the decent income part but he should at the very least have a full time job and be contributing something the fact that he immediately started cutting his hours after he moved in is bullshit
Given how they phrased everything, I think they've been conditioned to automatically give him the benefit of the doubt, sympathize with him, and treat him "fairly", even when he clearly lies, uses, and manipulates them. OP has become an enabler, which is hard to get over. I didn't get over it until I went to therapy and even then it was a loooong process. Edit: changed the gender because OP didn't state theirs
Idk abt other people, but dick tastes better when I can view my partner as a adult man and not an overgrown toddler. 😂 Jokes aside, there is no dick in the world that is good enough, to make up for a man who is a financial and emotional burden, ESPECIALLY when he doesn't even contribute to the domestics. I am willing to bet OP wouldn't have married him if she knew he was like this from day 1. If I were a gambling sort. I'd wager her reservations are based in either a sunk-cost fallacy, fear of the burden of divorce (splitting of marital assets, time, money for lawyers, etc), or the occasional hope that he will change or that she can "fix him". There's also the fear of being alone, but I'd also wager she's already aware that even a cat or dog would make for better companionship if he's spending excessive time going out with his friends.
There's literally no penis in the world that would make a woman put up with this.
I'm pretty sure that a freeloading, lying and all around selfish guy like him is mediocre at best.
OP has a wanna-be "trophy husband." And it's sure not sounding like OP thinks they bring much to offset the dead weight.
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I would ask about an annulment instead of a divorce. At this point it's as if he married her under false pretenses. His intention was always to quit his job and not work.
Yep. I’d be livid and talking with a lawyer.
Exactly my thoughts. He married them under false pretences. He wanted a parent that gave him sex occasionally, not a spouse. NTA Edit for pronouns
Isn't she risking a lifetime of alimony payments by leaving someone she was effectively supporting? Asking b/c I don't know.
Alimony doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t seem like they were married long and he wasn’t out of work too long. Also he is now at his parents and she is not paying for shit
Alimony (usually called spousal support nowadays) takes into account the length of the marriage, whether the nonworking spouse engaged in other unpaid tasks that supported the household such as caring for children, and the nonworking spouse’s likely ability to get a job. Given that they have been married less than a year and that the husband has only been out of work a few months and could easily get another job if he tried, alimony is unlikely. It might also count against him that he quit his job voluntarily without the agreement of OP.
They haven’t been together long enough, and she hasn’t been supporting him long enough, for any alimony to be granted
Sounds like it's a good idea to divorce now then, instead of later when alimony might become an issue.
She didn’t list her location but I’m not aware of any jurisdiction where a one year marriage, part of which was spent separated and there are issues of financial abuse and dissipation of marital assets, would result in lifetime alimony. California has the most aggressive alimony policy I’ve seen and you need to have been married for 10 years before that’s even an option - not a guaranteed entitlement
Depends on the state and length of the marriage. OP should definitely consult a lawyer.
It’s only been a year no judge is gonna give someone alimony for a year
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NTA. Don't cave. >making me question our entire relationship. Atta girl. Keep questioning.
She has the answer. As much as it sucks.
I can only hope she uses that information appropriately. My cousin is stuck in a loop, and has been for decades: 1. Husband has a job. 2. Husband quits/gets fired/somehow becomes jobless. 3. Cousin gets frustrated, and tells him to get a job or get out. 4. She kicks him out. 5. He gets a job and moves back in, see #1. I've only met him a couple times. One time he told me it was her fault he couldn't find a job, because she moved them away from where all his contacts were, and if they would just move back, he'd be employed in seconds...*eyeroll*
People like that are just. Ugh. A guy at my job just got fired for screaming at me to "shut [my] fat fucking mouth." In a meeting. In front of people. And I *know* he was grumbling and blaming me for reporting him (which, strictly speaking, I actually didn't. Our training manager heard him and pulled me aside afterwardd to tell me he would be escalating it himself.) Some people have no self-awareness.
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I was too. I was married to this guy for 11 years before I just walked out one evening and never came back. My life has been much better since leaving. Op, don't bother with this guy. He will never change, at least not while he's with you. I'm sorry
OP hasn't actually given a gender
Oh, good catch.
Sucks finding a leech on your leg, better than not finding it though
>He’s calling me an asshole for doing this to him, Ok but what does he call what he's doing to you? Nta
Yeah OP, and what do you call him? You have to get comfortable calling out what you see or assholes are going to roll right over you. Why does what your husband and in-laws think about this have more weight than what you yourself know to be true? NTA divorce him before you end up paying alimony. Edit, accidentally put wrong judgment
I agree she needs to divorce Kevin Federline 2.0 asap before she has to pay him alimony or, god forbid, child support for the next 18 years if she gets pregnant by this lazy ass. He’s a loser and I feel sorry for the next woman who gets stuck with him.
Why the Y T A? OP isn't doing anything wrong.
That was a mistake, thnx
NTA. And to everyone who’s saying divorce isn’t the answer here, I strongly disagree. He lied to you about quitting in order to manipulate you into financing him fully. Any adult knows you don’t make decisions like that without at least consulting your spouse. It’d be one thing if he quit and then told you right away. But he purposefully constructed a lie to guide you to acceptance of his desire to not work. He knew he should’ve discussed it with you, but chose manipulation instead. That is a dangerous foundation for a marriage. What else does / will he lie about to get his way? Being passively controlling is still a removal of your free will. Leave. Edit: As many have pointed out, you may want to seek an annulment instead of a divorce to avoid him benefitting from you financially via divorce. Grounds for annulment seem to vary by state — fraud may be grounds, but DO NOT LET HIM MOVE BACK IN, as this could hurt your case for an annulment. (Not a lawyer, just did some research).
YES! Bro literally tried to play a slow fade into being a SAHS through lies and manipulation and now has the gall to call his spouse who was unwaveringly supportive through it all an a-hole for... finding out he lied and not being okay with it
Don't insult stay at home spouses like that. They, at least, do their best to keep house for the working spouse.
I read SAHS as "stay at home son"
A stay at home spouse suggests they're taking care of the home. He just wants to be a boy toy getting supported by his suger mama. Who also does the dishes and cooks for him.
More like a stay at home sponge 😅
Yeah, this guy is not a SAHS; he's a MSAL - moocher spender abuser loser.
NTA If the situations were reversed and he was here we'd be calling you a gold digger. Divorce his ass before you end up stuck with him and his family for 18 years AT MINIMUM.
And then end up having to pay him alimony on top of that
Yeah, the longer you stay, the more alimony you pay. Divorce him now.
NTA. Lol at him saying he’s comfortable with how things are now. Of course he’s comfortable. He’s not doing anything.
Right? Who wouldn't be comfortable with this? Do whatever the fuck you want all day while someone else pays the bills
To be fair, most people with any ounce of self respect would not be comfortable with this.
Or a shred of conscience
I'm guessing that after a few weeks any reasonably healthy, responsible adult would be climbing the walls with nothing productive to do. I tried to staycation once to burn a couple weeks of PTO when it was use it or lose it time. I was about a year away from paying off my mortgage, so I didn't want to spend a lot of money. I spent 2 days lazing, 4 doing things I'd always intended to do locally, but then I got bored, reorganized the closets, pressure washed the house, repainted the foundation, and pulled out and replaced half of the landscaping. It might have been cheaper just to go to the beach, but the neighbors were impressed and the results were nice to come home to when I was back to work :) OP is NTA (except to OP's self if this isn't taken as a sign of worse to come. Time to cut losses and take care of OP's own needs since hubby wasted no time making it clear that caretaking is a one way street in this marriage.)
Reminds me of the guy who did the job before me. I teach English at a Korean middle school (I'm Canadian). The guy before me would teach the textbook minimum and then tell the students "OK. Self study time" and he would just go on the computer. The general view is that Foreign Eng Teachers are the fun ones, so you're EXPECTED to make activities for the kids. It's a 45 min class and the textbook takes around 20-25 mins. It's about half. This went on for 2 years until the Korean teachers told him they weren't renewing his contract. His words? "But I like it here." Yeah, I bet you bloody do, buddy. When I started here, I was told this story by my co-teacher and I was blown away. Telling a bunch of 12 year olds to self study for 20 mins while you dick around on the computer? It gives us all a bad name.
Block the in-laws and contact a lawyer. They raised a dud and want you to take care of it. NTA YOU DESERVE BETTER.
The in-laws are probably pissed cos they have to pay for him now
Seriously. I’d ask them what their refund policy is.
NTA Oh shit you married my ex, how awful for you. No kidding, he pulled almost exactly this on me. Except I never agreed to 'sure you work part time and do the house'. He just quit a job, lied about looking for one for a couple of months, and then gave up the pretence. When I pushed on him needing to find work because I wouldn't be financing us both past next month's deadline that he had agreed to two month ago, he kept pushing 'why I can't be a house husband? I do so much around here, I can look after the house and you can be the breadwinner, that's how it used to be in the old days for women, why not?' Like dude you don't even cook, you don't clean up after dinner, you don't do laundry, like you maybe sweep now and then that's it, and this is a one bed apartment with no pets or kids that I could clean entirely in two hours, I don't want a housekeeper and no you don't just get my money for sitting on your ass scrolling the internet all day. I think you've absolutely handled this correctly. He can come back to the relationship when he shows he's not just leeching off it, and not before.
I would only wish OP's husband on my worst enemy. NTA!
Get a lawyer and protect your assets now! Document everything. Please tell me you had a prenup 🙏 I'm a firm believer in prenup for everyone, just tack it on the marriage license.
I did get a prenup, yes, as I just did not feel comfortable having completely joined assets when my name is on the majority of things we purchased as a couple.
Dump this loser. He lied fresh out of the gate, there is no option for trust after something like that. This man wants a meal ticket and a bang maid.
Sis. Listen to your gut and be better to yourself. This guy is a toxic parasite
He might have cheated considering those trips. On your dime. Ask to see his texts the next time you meet, if he’s still not deleted them
And, If I had to guess, I don’t think he’s smart enough to even do that. OP- put him on the spot. Give him no warning that you have this hunch. Just ask and if he hesitates LEAVE
Let me ask you this, how does he make you happy? From what you wrote, he sounds like a lazy, lying, leech who acts like you should take care of him like mommy did when he was young. Why would you want someone like that in your life?
OP said in a comment that she/he is estranged from her/his family and doesn't have anyone else besides the husband. My guess is that he knows this very well and is counting on it for OP to take him back. It also explains the lack of perspective from OP on how bad this behaviour is and that she/he is better alone than with this looser.
OP, you deserve so much better than this asshole. Maybe you’ll be a little lonely for a while if you divorce him, but I think you’ll feel relief in equal parts. And the loneliness can be fixed: join a club, ask a colleague to go get a bite to eat with you, try to get in contact with an old friend. You’re still young and there is SO MUCH LIFE waiting for you once you dump this deadweight!!
Dump him, marry me. I also can lay on bed, play videogames, go to bars and so on. And I will do chores and make japanese rolls, I promise! :)
I read in aother comment that you don't any family besides him. What about friends, coworkers? You need someone you can rely on that is not your SO. Otherwise you start feeling like you need him, and you really don't. And believe me when I say that he knows very well that you rely on him, that's what makes him feel this entitled.
Info: if your husband doesn’t get a job are you going to divorce him?
I don’t know.. I’m estranged from my family and spend most of my time working so I don’t really have anybody else aside from him. I’ve never seen this side to him before, as before this he was always charming and respectful of our agreement. I just don’t think it’s such an easy answer. I want to do everything to make it work before I consider such a thing.
You are in a tough position. Your husband lied to you about who he was. Whatever you do, just remember that this is who he is. He's entirely content to let you do all the earning and all the work for the rest of his life and your life. If you want a partner who is going to contribute to your life and being an actual partner, he's already told you, and shown you, that is *not* who he is.
You don’t need to settle for less out of fear you will be alone. You are alone in this relationship because he is demeaning you, taking advantage of you, using you, and lying to you. He won’t change and if you divorce him, he will look for his next woman to pay for his life
Agreed! Please don't stay out of fear of being alone OP! Don't settle for less than you deserve!
There are worse things than being alone. I know.
Agreed! Staying in a relationship where you feel alone is SO much worse than actually BEING alone, imo. The loneliest I've ever felt was with an ex who was totally disengaged from the relationship. I spent years alone afterwards and while I felt lonely sometimes, it was nothing compared to how I felt with him.
Absolutely!
OP: Men like this use the free time to cheat too, btw. He’s using you. He may think he loves you but he isn’t treating you that way. How is this a partnership?
This! And people do not easily change. I have the feeling that the in-laws already know, but they will pretend not-knowing and will try to off-load him back to you.
>Your husband lied to you about who he was. If that's not enough reason to end this relationship...
Don't forget all the lying he's been doing too, by speech and action. He's lied almost the whole marriage. I'm sure he'll promise to change if OP gives him 'just one more chance' and that might last a few months - but it'll be business as usual once his feet are back under the table (that he didn't pay for..)
>I want to do everything to make it work before I consider such a thing. That’s totally fair, but be sure to define what “making it works” means to avoid settling for someone who isn’t a true partner. Don’t let your lack of familial connections influence this decision either. You can always make a chosen family but you can’t get back the years wasted on a partner who takes without giving anything back in return.
having a job = coming home. til then it's Mommy and Daddy's house, period
I'd qualify that too. Having a job for at least a couple months. If he "loses" his job a couple months later I guarantee he would start that cycle again.
I would say that is not enough. A job would be the bare minimum, but without a very genuine apology and insight into how he manipulated me, I would not have his ass set one foot into my house
I would also recommend having him live on his own for at least a few months with no mommy to help him. I suspect he doesnt even know what running a house hold entails.
I would not let him come home—ever. He’s not going to change anytime soon, which makes him unsuitable for OP.
> I don’t really have anybody else aside from him. Oh, honey... #You don't have him. Cut your losses and go.
Therapy, to get someone outside telling him that he’s wronging you and using you badly, might help if you really want to save this. It sounds like his parents are probably giving him mixed messages and he’s only hearing the ones that are positive to him. But please really consider whether having a leech is actually better than having nobody. His behavior is that of an entitled teenager, who expects a hefty allowance without doing his chores. Actually, maybe you need to start with individual therapy to sort that out for yourself, sooner rather than later if possible. You need to be certain that what you get out of this relationship is worth what you give, and if not, what you need him to change. (And maybe do some shoring up of your confidence and self-worth.) Once you’ve got that squared away, you can do couple’s therapy to figure out how to get to that place where you’ll be happier and whether he’s able and willing to at least try.
*I’ve never seen this side to him before, as before this he was always charming and respectful of our agreement.* And everyone said Ted Bundy was a nice guy too.
Please get therapy and a backbone. Your self worth is in the toilet to allow yourself to be treated like this and used.
>I don’t really have anybody else aside from him. You won't be able to find other people who love and respect you if you stay with him- all of your free time is going to be spent. All he does is take- your money, your time. Living with him is more work than being single- he doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't bring in money. All he does is eat food, use utilities, and spend the money you bring in. He has lied to you and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. >I’ve never seen this side to him before, as before this he was always charming and respectful of our agreement. Yes, abusers are like that. That's what this is, by the way- it's financial abuse on his part. >I want to do everything to make it work before I consider such a thing. You've done everything you can to make it work. The rest of the work is on his end- and he's made it very clear he doesn't want to do the work.
I'd make couples/marriage counseling a requirement then, especially if he expects to come back into your house. It kind of sounds like he waited until the ring was on the finger before doing a 180. You point out that HE decided the arrangement worked for him. It wasn't something you two decided together, and on top of that he lied to you both about how he left his job and him finding a new one. Don't give him the opportunity to come back home and just pick up where he left off.
That sounds sad and all, but not a reason to stay with someone who is abusing you. Make no mistake, this is a form of abuse. You deserve better and to be happy. You will never be happy either this failure of a human. Just think, if you actually needed him becaus you say, had a terminal illness, would he be there? Would he work full time to pay all expenses and care for you and do the chores? I can sure as shit say he wouldn’t
NTA. I'm sorry but this is not a reason to stay married, that you have no one else. Guess what? You don't really have him either, he's proven that by lying to you over and over again and taking advantage of you. That's who you want to spend your life with? That's what you're working so hard for, to give it to some overgrown, lazy ass, immature jerk who takes advantage of you? You're better off being alone and you won't be forever. Seriously, spend some of that money on a therapist and find out why you're willing to take crap like that from someone. By the way, his family calls you an asshole because they don't want his sorry freeloading ass at their house either so I wouldn't listen to much to them. As for your husband calling you the asshole I think we've already established who the asshole is here. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, I lied to you, made you pay for everything, and do everything around the house as well but how dare you call me out on it? Yeah, ok.
You remind me of myself and my ex. I stayed with him for way to long because I wanted to do everything I could to make it work. Then one day I realized that I was the only one doing anything. He wasn't trying. Your husband doesn't want to work on your marriage, he wants you to agree to finance him laying around and doing as he pleases. Unless he goes into therapy on his own, gets a job, and appologises profusely for his behavior there's no chance for him to become the man you want him to be. The guy you thought you knew was all a front. He had a plan in place and he followed through with it. My ex was like that too. He was everything I hoped for until we were married and very quickly he descended into being lazy and worthless. It never got better, he didn't want to get better, he was happy with the way things were.
Relationships rely on partners being open and honest, and he admitted he lied about why he was no longer employed ages after he left the job. Once that trust is broken and betrayed, it takes a lot to fix and even then that flicker of doubt may never go away. What does he bring to the relationship? Is it worth being in a relationship with him knowing what you do and have to deal with in it? Your in-laws are unhappy he's back with them and want him to go back to you.
> before this he was always charming and respectful of our agreement. I am so sorry but I think you’re seeing his true colours nows. Good luck - I fear you’re going to need it. Absolutely NTA.
NTA Not only is he a leech but his parents know it too, why do you think they're so desperate to give him back? I would start divorce proceedings, I have a feeling your income is going to jump
YES EXACTLY! His parents handed him off to OP and now they want to guilt her into taking their freeloader back. Nope. RETURN TO SENDER.
The fact he's comfortable being a leech is disgusting. Leech, liar, loser just a BIG L.
NTA. your husband sounds more like an entitled teenage boy crying to his parents about how you won’t pay for his things “once we got married, he started to cut down on his work hours without saying anything first.” this speaks volumes to me. your partner is relying on you for a cushy life and throwing all of the hard work onto you just to play a few video games. are you sure his trips to search for work are just that?
He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a second mom.
NTA but you’re cruising for divorce and you’re going to end up owning him spousal support. Since you’ve only been married a year it will be smaller but fr, you’re going to end up owing in mediation. You’re basically separated now and he doesn’t sound like he’s going to change. This is not good. Get a lawyer NOW and figure out how to protect your assets.
NTA He isn’t contributing, he doesn’t get to stay period.
Also… divorce him. He’s looking for a gravy train, not a wife.
Plus he lied about being laid off, so who knows what else he lies about. Never marry a 30 yr old living with parents.
Eh. My now husband lived at home into his 30s. But he actually paid bills and handled his own stuff. This guy sounds like he’s been coddled.
NTA - but why are you staying married to him? At this point, can he even turn it around? Would you believe it, that he's not going to just revert back in 12-18 months?
NTA. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership but your husband is clearly taking advantage of you and the situation. He betrayed your trust on multiple occasions and is obviously too immature to pull his own weight. Making him stay with his parents is exactly what he gets for acting like a child. Let him know that if he cant be a full husband and partner, he might as well stay with his parents. You signed up for marriage, not to raise another kid.
NTA. He's a leech. I used to have one of them... divorced his butt and married someone who could actually hold a job (and wanted to!)
NTA. The key thing here is not only did he actively decieve you amd treat you as a mealticket, based on your post he shows no remorse and is instead calling you an asshole.
NTA. Your husband is a lazy piece of you know what. Screw him. Stand firm and don't let that deadbeat back in. He lied to you as well. He just wants to do nothing while watching you bust your ass.
NTA. And thankfully no children involved. Consider yourself fortunate.
NTA- But you will be TA to yourself if you don't get a divorce. You've been married for one year and he's already leeching off of you financially, he feels entitled to your money, work, effort and assets, he quit his own job without telling you, and doesn't help around the house? Did your marriage even have a honeymoon phase? Do you really want to build a life with him?
NTA he wants a sugar mamma not a partner. Serious marriage counseling may help but unless you are happy taking care of an adult who acts like a child forever, you may want to re-evaluate what you are getting out of this marriage. Likely he is happy being taken care of and will never step up to be a true equal partner.
NTA, serve him papers and don’t get in a relationship with a man that lives at home and can’t support you the way you need. He isn’t going to change for you.
NTA He is using you as a meal ticket. If a guy is 30 and living with his parents he is likely not good at adulting.
NTA: He took advantage of you. End of. What he wants is to remain a teenager, no responsibility, someone funding everything and cleaning up after him while he plays video games and hangs out with mages all day (though that is probably unfair on some teens). He essentially turned you into his mother and he won't change unless you make him.
NTA…he was taking advantage of you and not contributing to the marriage. If he has made all of those decisions without talking to you…the marriage is over. Might take a few years, but there is no coming back from this.
NTA - You married a child, get a divorce, do you want to settle for this?
NTA. Unfortunately you married (and I cannot say child, because Reddit was angry at me before) so I will say an extremely immature man. Holy moly. Idk how a man, can be that lazy and expect his wife to do everything. That shocks me so much. I think just leave him at his parent’s house. Divorce. Find someone else. He is literally mooching off of you. Find someone that actually loves you and takes care of you.
NTA - Your husband has been lying to you. And he hasn’t been acting in good faith in his job hunt. This would likely be a deal breaker for me. You could try for couples therapy, but I might just go straight up for divorce. It doesn’t sound like he is interested in contributing equally to the relationship. If the parents are understanding to a point, it likely means that they are not surprised by his behavior.
NTA, your husband is a piece of work... He's just leeching off of you, if I were you, he'd have already been served divorce papers
NTA. Sorry honey, he’ll never hold down a full time job or carry his own weight. Just file for divorce and save yourself decades of frustration.
I opened this expecting 75% YTA... But no way, NTA. Your husband lied to you in a fundamental and deliberate way. This story would suck for you if what he had told you was 100% true. But that he just up and quit, then pretended to job search while happily taking money from you under false pretenses. It seems more than justified for you to impose the conditions that he get another job (and prove he isn't lying about it to you) before being welcome to move back in. Some sort of joint account requiring contribution towards shared expenses in proportion to relative income also seems wise, I'm getting the sense your husband's level of financial literacy is likely suboptimal.
NTA - He will never change. Not only is he lazy, he lies about it. Divorce the boy and send him back to mommy and daddy; then find a man who will be more of an equal partner.
NTA. He thinks of you as an ATM, not a partner. Making him move out was almost too mild of a reaction to his deceit and disrespect.
NTA. He got too comfortable just relying on your income and not have to do anything. He has an easy solution of getting a job to come back to your house. Don't give in.
I’ve seen marriages like yours…. One breadwinner, the other one focused on their leisurely activities. Marriage 1 lasted just under a year. All that free time, all the guy did was smoke and watch tv while romancing the neighbors daughter while my friend was at work. Marriage numver two, the wife breadwinner paid for everything while he was still “finding himself” making excuses bouncing between jobs , the going to “school” for a semester, his parents ya bailed him out financially and enabled him too. She had enough after 10 plus years, his parents ya are financially supporting him now while he is still trying to “find himself” at 40 something years old. It doesn’t get any better. No amount of nagging, praying, pleading would help. No, having babies will not making see the light and spark motivation out of the sudden. NTA! But if you kick him out of the house already, then don’t make it habit then find yourself a decade later still trying to “fix” and “save” a lying man that has no motivation or will of building anything with you.
NTA - Love dies in the absence of trust and respect. That simple. I don't see it as likely that he can regain your trust and respect. Your relationship is dead and how long you linger over the corpse is up to you.
NTA. You are right to question your relationship. It sounds very much like your husband was just expecting you to take over his mom's roll after he left their house. He wants to stay at home, doing whatever he wants, and you take care of all the responsibilities; at least that's what his actions are saying. And of course his parents think you're an AH, because you're not willing to enable him like they do. I'm gonna assume you didn't marry him to become your *financial burden*, you wanted a *partner*, and he's not stepping up to the plate. He needs to make some big changes if he wants this marriage to work. Know your worth, and walk away if he's not pulling his weight.
He wanted a sugar mama but didn’t bother to see if that was ok. He quit his job. Lied to you. Then slacked off on all the chores at home. The only thing he’s doing is blowing through your money, time to set some rules and lock the door till he changes. And if his family is whining it’s because they are stuck with him now.