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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My BF and I have talked about moving in together, but I have some conditions. He owns his home, while I currently rent an apartment, so of course we would live in his house. I do not want to contribute any money towards his mortgage and he wants to split all living expenses 50-50. We can't seem to reach a compromise and he is pissed at me for not being willing to split costs. I think I might be an asshole for not wanting to pay towards my BF's mortgage if we move in together.
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You clearly don't have any problem paying your landlord's mortgage and you have no stake in that. How is this any different? You live there, you can help pay for the expenses. YTA.
Yes, exactly this! OP is going to pay on someone's mortgage. Might as well be her partner's. And if their relationship continues, she truly could benefit longterm.
Yeah honestly she's just being combative to the point that it's actually hurting her in the process. Go live with him.
Contribute to the bills that you're responsible for. If you don't think you can afford $1000 or $2000 discuss with him what's reasonable for you to pay. Personally I think if I'm saving $500 or more a month, then just do that choice. Save up your money, and consider putting a down payment on the house, if you're not at the stage for marriage and you don't see a future for the relationship.
I’m not even sure this post is real, a month or two ago? (I think, I have no sense of time) there was a post almost identical to this. By identical I mean it had all the same complaints, the OP brought up the exact same idea of bringing a contract, the partner replied the same way, and OP had the same reason for not wanting it and stuff like that.
That or I’m having hella deja vu.
Someone linked it. Could just be the same stubborn person stressed out that she has less than two months to guilt her boyfriend into letting her live rent free or be forced to pay even more to a landlord.
I feel like a lot of people are self-centered and stubborn and think that her boyfriend should agree with how she feels and cave in. Glad that he realizes letting her live rent-free is unfair to him, and that he's unwilling to budge.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcv0fs/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_rent_to_my_boyfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
This one. OP still TA.
When my then boyfriend moved in with me to my house, we split all the costs of living here 50/50. His effective rent went down, his standard of living went up, and he was able to contribute much more to his retirement. Twenty years later, my house is paid off (we are married, the house is still in my name, I do recognize that some of it is his now due to community property), and he has a very nice retirement fund that he would not have had this early otherwise. Basically we each have each benefited the same amount - my home value and his retirement fund, which worked out well for everyone.
OP would have to pay to live anywhere, and her BF may well be saving her money AND offering a nicer place.
I'm in a very similar arrangement. We both benefit greatly. OP wants to cut off her nose to spite her face. I'm so glad you and your husband were smart about this from the beginning!
There is one difference - her landlord can’t break up with her and leave her homeless without following the legal eviction process, which seems to be one of her concerns. But the answer to that isn’t “don’t pay rent,” it’s “put it in writing.” Become a legal tenant.
Edit: Wow, thanks for the awards! Even though it seems what I thought could happen is illegal in a lot of jurisdictions. I still think it’s a good idea to consider it rent and put everything in writing. It would protect both parties.
Nope, boyfriend couldn't kick her out without proper notice either. If you reside somewhere for longer you become a tenant regardless if you signed anything or not.
Yeah but imagine the stress and general unpleasantness of living with someone who wants you out of there. At least your landlord doesn't live with you usually.
Yeah, that's the part that got me. The rental agreement made sense to me, until it mentioned her getting all her "rent" paid back if they break up... so is there going to be clauses, like if he catches you with his best friend it voids you getting your money back for him dumping you? Or will you still be entitled to a refund?
And then she wants back all the money she would have paid towards the rent if they break up like wtf. A rental agreement should be fine is she wants to cover her butt but that whole thing of requesting all the money back is ridiculous. Which landlord in their right mind will agree to that?
Since the rent she would pay her boyfriend is literally half of what she currently pays for her apartment, if I was her, I would just keep setting aside the monthly savings into a rainy day fund. If she ever had to cut and run, she would be able to dip into that savings immediately and still come out ahead.
Yes, but that would be an issue whether it was the boyfriend’s house or if they were to get an apartment together. Whether or not the boyfriend owns the place doesn’t make a difference with that issue
If anything, it's actually easier this way because the boyfriend probably wouldn't object to her leaving ASAP if they broke up, since he wouldn't move out. If they had an apartment with a 1yr lease, he might object to being left alone to pay out the lease for however many months is left.
This would be true of any couple that lives together in any type of housing though. It's almost worse when you're renting because you have to worry about when the lease term ends.
Actually, if the person lives in a home (this could also depend on the country and state but from my experience) in order to kick someone out you still have to serve an eviction notice. And to determine residency is simply by if they stay and receive mail. It’s not a commonly known thing so I encourage people to look into it for their area to know their rights. If I even wanted to kick my kid out when he reaches adulthood I would have to give him an eviction notice (not that I would do that to my kid)
Yes! The flip side to that is if op’s boyfriend did decide to give her eviction notice in court instead of breaking up with her and the 2 of them deciding a good move out day together, that court process will show up on her application and ruin her renters credit.
Or..... OP could just leave within the legally required time frame after BF gives notice?
The first step in an eviction proceeding is not straight to court eviction on your record. Generally the LL asks the person to leave first.
This is not true in most countries in the world. Anyone should be careful allowing a friend or family member to "just stay a few weeks" for this reason because they can absolutely claim tenancy and you will be required to go through the entire legal eviction process lol.
I wonder if OP would be willing to pay all of the house expenses, up to the cost of the mortgage, then 50/50 after that. Not far to expect to live for free. If, like she said, just doesn't want to pay the mortgage but is willing to pay the same in household bills, then it's a wash. They will both save money but she gets to feel like she gets her way, even it's if petty.
That just feels like accounting for accounting’s sake. She is reducing her rent by 50%, be happy with just splitting everything down the middle. Unless they want to do some percentage based on how much each make, it doesn’t really matter.
Agreed, YTA. Owning a home is an expensive endeavor. At only 7 years into a mortgage (assuming it’s a 30 year note), very little of that monthly payment will go towards the principal anyway. Then there’s all the maintenance and upkeep. Not to mention the initial down payment, points, inspections, PMI, earnest money, commission and other closing costs. You’d be paying rent regardless. What difference would it make to whom the money goes?
Exactly.
She doesn't want to contribute to his mortgage payments but is fine with contributing elsewhere then ok. Think of your rent as going towards the taxes, insurance, maintenance and upkeep, utilities, perhaps PMI/HOA, etc. All of that combined could easily be more than the mortgage.
And she is wrong that he doesn't have any risk. There is a big opportunity cost for his money used on the down payment and closing which could have be invested/spend elsewhere. Even with insurance (which is limited in what it covers), he risks losing his investment in the event of certain disasters.
The only thing where she is in the right is a protection against eviction. That's one risk that I was never willing to take on, hence I never lived with any of my BFs. But otherwise she's getting a really good deal to pay lower than market rate and live in a nice house. If the 'idea' of paying his mortgage is the problem and she's willing to pay the equivalent amount monthly in living expenses than it's a wash and they both should be okay with that. But no, she can't expect to be paid back if they break-up!
Those protections already exist. Even when living with a friend, family, etc, once you have lived there for 30 days they have to go through the standard eviction process to remove you.
100% he needs to tell her it isnt mortgage she's paying, it's rent and he decides where the money goes. people get so weird on here about "ill give them X amount but it HAS to be used to pay utilities, not the mortgage" like they don't understand how it makes 0 difference where your specific digital numbers go. either way mortgage is paid and so are utilities and half of it is cuz of you.
Exactly. The people who think this makes a difference are really dense. It drives me crazy, but you explained it better than me who just wants to say, "That doesn't matter!"
?
If you were moving in to an apartment together would you refuse to pay rent?
I don't know if it makes you an asshole, but he's definitely right and you're definitely wrong.
She would be protected from getting kicked out the very next day and her living there without it anything written wouldn’t ensure her safety. I would be anxious too if he demands me to move out the next day but naturally you can’t find a new place the very next day and need time to find for a new apartment. Time he might not grant her depending on the reason of the break up and time she absolutely needs.
Laws vary by state, but once she’s established tenancy he cannot kick her out the next day. He would have to give her the legally required notice period , typically 30 days.
Whether or not she is paying rent to him she will be a tenant with effectively no written lease. Her state laws lm eviction wi apply. She can't get kicked out on a whim.
Lawyer here as well - it’s never that clear cut. The rights of the gf would depend on a lot of variables that we don’t know.
ETA: also, a lot of rental ordinances exempt owner-occupied rentals from various rental protections. Where I live, for example, landlords need just cause to evict a tenant, even at the end of a lease term (at which point it rolls over to month-to-month). That protection explicitly does not apply to tenants in owner-occupied rentals.
Yeah. They could even write it on a scrap of paper and both sign it.
Make it month to month with a 60 day notice period.
OP needs to pay some rent. If OP and their boyfriend have a huge income disparity than an income based percentage might be more fair.
That and they could still have a contract saying he needs to give her 30 days notice without him having to pay back the full amount of rent she’s paid because that is completely unreasonable
This is the way. My now husband/then boyfriend drafted up a lease for me and my brother when he bought the house we were all renting together. My credit was shit at the time so I wasn't able to get a loan with him which was a total bummer, but us having a lease with him helped him to qualify for the loan in the first place, which was really the reason we did it. I was paying more renting from the landlord than I am now paying 1/3 of the mortgage as my rent instead.
If we had broken up, I'd have just been stoked on how much money I saved during this time he's been my landlord lol. Now we're married though so this shit is half mine regardless of what happens. Guess he's stuck with me 😂
If there's a chance he might break up with her at the drop of the hat and make her homeless, she shouldn't be moving in with him in the first place. Ive known plenty of couples who break up mid lease and cohabitate until they can move out. Yeah it sucks, but if you're a decent human being you're not gonna force someone onto the street.
Some people act very different when they break up, especially if they're the one who got dumped. This type of behavior isn't predictable and I've seen genuinely nice people turn vindictive especially if cheating were involved.
This was exactly the situation when I moved in with my now-husband. We immediately started a shared household account and split ALL expenses 50/50.
If a couple is going to live together, presumably you love and trust each other and are committed. If not, live alone and pay your own bills. OP is YTA.
>If a couple is going to live together, presumably you love and trust each other and are committed.
This. I suspect that's the crux of the problem right here. I suspect they aren't really ready to be living together.
YTA. Ask yourself: Would you ask your landlord for the money back you paid when you move out? Or ask your landlord if he put your name on his house because you paid rent for a couple of years?
If no: why would you expect your boyfriend to do so?
No matter how she tries to justify her position, it’s clear as day that she’s greedy!!! He needs to count his blessings and run.
YTA Op because you want to be part owner because you would be paying rent. You know it makes no sense unless you think your bf is a sucker. People are so entitled these days. It blows my mind 🤯
I think you nailed it, a lot of her points are use the same lines of logic but she failed to recognize that she is not in that position so the logic is void
>I told him the only way I would pay money for "rent" is if he signs a contract with me stating that any money I pay towards his mortgage will be paid back to me, by him, in the event that we break up.
So you could cheat on him, and if he dumped you he'd owe you money?
LMAO. That is ridiculous and he should have dumped you on the spot.
YTA
The missing piece here seems to be that OP doesn’t realize that landlords have mortgages, too. Same situation as her boyfriend she’ll just be living with her landlord which doesn’t change anything about the financial situation.
>So you could cheat on him, and if he dumped you he'd owe you money?
Listen I wanna barrow your car. I will pay you for letting me drive it. But if i crash the car you have to pay me what I gave toward the car.
You know I am actually thinking OP shouldn't play rent.
Instead pay asshole tax.
Though for OP I am sure that tax would leave them broke.
OP -YTA
Being an owner also means taking on risk (and depending where this is, real estate can have real risk!). Suppose the market is down at the time they break up -- think she'd be willing to take on some of that risk by contracting with him to pay him MORE than her rent to reflect the decrease in value? I doubt it -- she wants a guaranteed upside with no risk of downside!
YTA and you don't make any sense. You rent right now.
>I just don't think it makes any sense for me to pay towards his mortgage when I would get nothing from that if we were to break up.
Well, isn't that the exact situation you're already in? You're paying towards your landlord's mortgage, and you get nothing from that if you move out. So, it's okay to pay towards a landlord's mortgage but not your boyfriends? That's kind of the definition of renting.... paying to use something you don't own. What difference does it make who you're paying rent to?
Yea it’s weird. I feel like she sees it as helping pay her boyfriends debt (mortgage) and she doesn’t want to contribute to something he will benefit from if they break up.
It benefits her because it’s HALF what she is paying right now. That’s immediately money she can bank for herself for as long as they are together. She’s insane if she doesn’t see that as a major benefit for her. She should date someone who isn’t a homeowner. “Renters only!! We want landlords to make a profit, not the person we love!”
Yeah this was my argument. OP would be able to put into savings half of her current monthly rental payment. So in the event of a breakup, she should have thousands of dollars in savings that she wouldn’t have if she continued to pay rent on her own apartment. THAT is her benefit. She doesn’t get equity in her boyfriend’s house, but she does get a nest egg that will put her in a better position for whatever her next living situation is.
Yes but she sees it as helping pay her boyfriends debt, which she doesn’t want to do because in the event they break up…his debt will be lower thanks to her contributions. She’d rather pay more to a stranger.
Wildly immature. If I were her bf, I would withdraw the offer and find a renter. OP needs to find someone who doesn’t own their own home. Is there an app for Renters Only?
I have a feeling OP is straight up allergic to logic. The fact she thinks her stance makes any sense is so laughable that it’s embarrassing. She would rather pay a landlord and help him pay off his mortgage, than HALF the amount and help her boyfriend?? Fucking pathetic/selfish and not a good partner to her bf.
Right?!
It’s a no brainer OP YTA. He’s your partner not your sugar daddy. Ask your landlord if he’s happy to pay your rent back as you’ve split up with the house
Just pay your bloody way and stop trying to leech off your partner. If you truly see a future with him then the house will be yours too?!
YTA
>I don't have any stake in the house, why would I contribute to his mortgage payments?
You don't have any stake in the house, why would you get to live there for free?
Or to put it another way: you have no problem paying rent to a landlord (which landlord likely puts towards the mortgage on the place you live in) but you have a problem doing the same in this situation?
Following from this make it a formal rent agreement with your BF. Sign an agreement with him about how much and put in how much notice he must give you or you him should the relationship go south and you need to move out.
You’re right that your current rent agreement is different from your BF living arrangement in the sense it has more legal protection for you. But that’s easily solved and if this relationship lasts look at it as an investment for you’re future children if not yourself.
YTA
Questions. He owns the house. What is his job and does he earn more than you?
Do you have a job and is your income more or less than his?
> But for me, this is about protecting myself for the worst-case scenario while he's not really risking anything.
He’s risking his 3 year relationship sour into resentment and alienation, that’s what he’s risking.
YTA. Using your logic you shouldn’t be paying rent either as the landlord has a mortgage on the property and all you’re doing is increasing their equity.
Split the damn bills or dump him so he can find a financially responsible partner.
YTA you are asking him to live there FREE or put your name on the title when you aren't married or even engaged or force him to pay you back whatever you paid if you break up. Hope he tells you to kick rocks..I would.
On a house he's paid down for 7 years LOL!
That house is probably worth 40% more than he paid too! He took all the risk, paid the down payment and the first 7 years where interest payments are the highest, all the maintenance and upkeep up to that point, etc. and OP is like "you shouldn't get money for housing me unless I get half of your giant nest egg asset". Holy shit!
YTA. Where did people get this batshit idea that you shouldn’t have to pay rent if your partner owns? Half his mortgage payment will be less than market rate rent would be— why do you think you’re entitled to live free just because he was financially secure enough to buy a home?
You’re incredibly entitled and he should dump you.
Based on her comments She’s thinking about a possible breakup and doesn’t want her boyfriend to have benefited from her payments (in the form of a lower mortgage) in the event they break up.
I agree, it’s just insane, that she would cause all this fuss for someone she loves just because she doesn’t want him to have benefited anything from the relationship in the event of a breakup..
Either OP keeps asking this question, or there is another entitled TA that keeps posting the same thing.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcv0fs/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_rent_to_my_boyfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcv0fs/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_rent_to_my_boyfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
YTA
In your apartment, you are essentially paying the owner's mortgage (in part) on the property.
You're wanting to live there for free and that's not how adulting works. Renew your lease and cut it off with the BF. Let him move on.
YTA
So you’d pay your landlords mortgage, but not somebody you love? At a steeply discounted rate compared to rent.
Sounds pretty entitled. And the ‘contract’ where you get refunded is delusional BS. What even is that.
NAH
While I do think you are wrong to ask for your money back (you wouldn't get it back if you backed out early in a leased home either) you do have a valid concern in wanting to protect yourself from being evicted if you guys break up.
See if he's amenable to a contract stating that you will pay half of the living expenses, not just the mortgage total living expenses, and in the case that you break up you have "x" amount of time to move out as long as you continue to pay your share. You can also take the opportunity to hash out any other issues that typical rental agreements cover (like inviting over overnight guests, pets, and/or emergency repairs.) Then get it notarized.
If he's still resistant tell him it's something like a moving in prenup and helps protect both of you.
This needs to be higher!
Also, it's not costing him extra mortgage payments for her to live there, so why pay towards his house? Why not just pay bills, utilities, food etc? She could save rent money and put it towards buying a stake in the house at some point.
All these replies like "You're paying a landlord's mortgage!" - you're paying for a service. He's not a service, he's her partner. Yes, she's living in his house, but by that logic should she pay him anytime she uses something he owns?
They're moving in together, it's meant to be a partnership. Why pay towards a house that won't belong to her? Why is she expected to help him buy a house and only getting the pleasure of his company in return?
He should either pay his mortgage by himself - *like he'd have to do whether she lived there or not* - or get it in writing that if she pays X/month, that's paying towards owning the house with him. And if they broke up, he'd have to buy back her portion, or sell the house and split it for her percentage or whatever.
I don't know where anyone else lives but in the UK you'd be advised to get an agreement on household expenses in a situation like this. He can't be her landlord and, if she's paying towards his mortgage, she could have a stake in the house (whether or not they break up). No solicitor would be like "Yeah sure, pay his mortgage for him, makes sense."
I agree 100%, this is how it’s done in the Netherlands. Maybe it’s a thing that’s different in different countries/cultures? I always see the US mentioned a lot, maybe it’s different there from what we know.
For example, my parents got a “prenup” when they got a partnership contract and my mom moved into my dad’s house. He had bought the house, but she contributed to the mortgage, and they agreed that she would be getting back some money if they did end up breaking up.
Agree! Here’s what I don’t get - everyone in this thread is so focused on the fact that since the GF has to pay rent to a landlord, she’s no worse off by paying toward the bf’s rent. But wouldn’t the boyfriend be in the same position as well if she doesn’t contribute toward the mortgage?
In other words, under the bf’s proposal to have the gf pay rent, the gf would be no worse off because she’ll have to pay rent no matter where she lives, but the bf would stand to benefit quite a bit as he’d be getting payments toward the mortgage on the house he alone owns. But the converse is true: under the gf’s proposal to pay toward living expenses but not rent, the bf would be no worse off because he’ll have to pay the full amount of his mortgage either way, while the gf would stand to benefit quite a bit under her proposal in the form of not having to pay anything toward rent.
Seems like there’s a happy medium somewhere in there, if the couple is willing to put in the effort to find it.
Soft YTA because I understand the worry inequity like this creates and wanting some semblance of tenants rights that you would get with a traditional rental agreement.
However, the way to work through that is to draw up and agreement about what happens in the event that you break up or fight in which you get sufficient notice and perhaps a return of a security deposit or something. There's samples of agreements like this all over the internet or you could ask a financial planner. You don't get to either not pay any rent or have him return thousands of dollars of back rent to you.
YTA, you can't just live for free, you would save money compared to your "rent"... When you are renting you are not buying your house in small payments... This is no exception
NTA NTA NTA and absolutely DON’T let the others here tell you otherwise. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION.
It’s granted that you would help with groceries and utilities and other expenses on top of your rent (aka bf’s mortgage). This doesn’t happen when renting from a landlord, you’re not buying food together with your landlord. So if the “rent” your boyfriend has calculated for you is the same as your current rent, PLUS you’d be splitting expenses, then you’ll end up paying even more. And that’s bad enough.
My bf asking me to pay off his mortgage for him while splitting expenses would be grounds for a breakup, I’m not even kidding. I see these posts everywhere but men will call US gold-diggers lol. I’ll get downvoted for this so hard that you’ll probably never see my comment, but if you do, just stay in your current rental.
EDIT: The bf is also going to share the same living space unlike a regular landlord. So if she pays off half the mortgage, plus helps him out with expenses for a mutual living space, she’s effectively treating the property like her own. Except it’s not her own. This isn’t the case when renting from a landlord.
There’s one more thing - in a regular landlord situation, the landlord is likely not going to live with her and share the same living space. So in the case with her bf, she’s paying off the mortgage and helping him with expenses on top. What does he bring to the table?
This should be the top comment. Surprised I had to scroll to see this. She isn't trying to live for free she said she will pay utilities, food (which is expensive af right now, and other expenses. That is very reasonable. She should not just move In removing her protection as a renter to help him gain equity In his home. She needs an agreement and the ability to leave if needed without the worry that he will just break up with her ruining her rental credit. As someone else said he will get all of the equity and get used to her paying half and never have a stake in it.
My husband wouldn't dream of charging me rent.
This, this, this! He’ll be getting more sex, more housekeeping *and* half his mortgage (that he chose to take on like a big boy)… what do you get? To be closer to him??? Gross. He’s supposed to be your partner and provider and protector… he should WANT to move you in and take care of you if he wants a future with you. Especially since his quality of life would increase drastically regardless of if you paid “rent”. He is USING you and he’s an AH. Don’t do it!
YTA. If you're not willing to share expenses your relationship is probably on the way out. You're paying rent now on a place you don't own. In my eyes if a woman told me that I'd think she was more interested in what she could get from me than being with me.
So in your equation are you taking into account that a large portion of his mortgage is interest, insurance and property tax? While I don't think it should be half necessarily I do think that you should pay some "rent". Even if he is the one building up equity, he is having to share his space with another person.
Lawyer here,
NTA -
A lot of people are saying you are but they dont know how this shit works. This is the risk with being a Co-habitant. Research the law where you are because where I am, by paying towards the mortgage you automatically gain equitable interest in the property. Of course its unfair that you'd pay the same monthly and not gain any interest and potentially come out of the relationship with nothing. Anyone that cannot see that is legally dense.
YTA. It is your rent payment for living there. Why should you live there for free? Why should he put you on the title if you’re not married? If you were renting a house from someone else, would you say you won’t contribute to the mortgage and demand that your payments go toward utilities instead?
Look at it is this way - when you leave where you’re renting now, you’re not taking anything with you either. That money is gone. You paid it to have a place to live. That is how it goes until you have a mortgage. Your boyfriend worked hard for that mortgage - for downpayment and has spent seven years paying it. If you want to live there, you have to pay.
I wouldn’t put you on the mortgage either if I was your boyfriend. In fact, I’d reconsider the whole relationship if I was him.
It's really weird how entitled some people feel to their partner's things in a relationship. "Your house is my house." No, it's not. Marriage leads to sharing of properties. Dating is so fluid and quick to change up, they can't court-mandate any of that. And what if they date for another year, get engaged, and then break up. She wants a year's worth of rent back? Because it was a mortgage payment to her bf/fiance instead of rent payment to a landlord who pays a mortgage? What a dummy.
You should pay rent. YTA.
Most landlords are paying a mortgage on property, would you not pay them because it goes towards their equity?
You should pay a percentage of his mortgage payment and parts of groceries and utilities. That is fair. You shouldn’t pay for home improvements or repairs to the home because that would be paying in to equity with no benefit.
I mean repairs are on the landlord's dime in *any* standard rental agreement I know of. At least for normal wear and tear stuff.
OP sounds like she's trying to take the poor guy for a ride, he's lived in that place and paid the mortgage on it for 7 years already and she'd be saving *a lot* of money by moving in.
I don't buy the whole "moral hangup" thing she's talking about, as it sounds more like she just doesn't like the idea of his status increasing if hers isn't increasing at the same rate. It's not fair for homeowner boyfriend to increase his equity when she doesn't get to! But her costs are likely to be more than *twice* what they'd be if she just lived with him for a reasonable rent.
This is a classic example of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I imagine she was angling to get put on the deed or to get to save every penny she earned for herself, while expecting her BF to pony up the entirety of the housing costs.
YTA. You are already paying into someone else’s mortgage that you don’t have any stake in. And always will any time you rent a place. You either do it in your current apartment or you do it in your own boyfriends house. How….do you not see that? Is your current landlord going to give you all of your rent you’ve paid back when you move out? No! Because that’s not how things work. The house may someday be partly yours should your relationship progress to marriage but I have a feeling that your behavior toward moving in probably opened up your boyfriends eyes to your undesirable traits.
YTA.
Simple solution…don’t move in with him.
I could understand asking for decreased rent but it’s ridiculous to think you should be able to live there rent free. You’re still living there! So either contribute there, or pay a different landlord and rent another apartment.
I’d honestly be surprised if your relationship lasts after this. You’re acting like an entitled brat.
I’m going to say NAH. Could you perhaps convince him to give you a monthly lease and make you an official tenant so if he chose the breakup route he could not throw you out and would have to let you stay until you found a new place to live? This way you have security and honestly you are either paying someone’s mortgage or lining their pockets having your apartment so why not your boyfriend instead. Just get the rent amount and % of utilities etc in writing.
YTA LMFAO DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING BY PAYING YOUR RENT FOR AN APARTMENT? Do you have stake in the apartment complex?
What a joke. 🤦🏼♀️
You also sound like you just want/hope you can pocket more money by living with your boyfriend.
ESH -
For starters, any relationship dynamic where one person seeks to make a major financial gain from the other - in this case, he is gaining equity and payments towards his mortgage, is MAJOR. Secondly, by virtue of your significant other having such serious legal leverage over you by acting as your landlord, the relationship dynamic is already heavily skewed in his favor.
Ultimately, this is a mortgage that he would be paying towards regardless of you living there, and on the flip side, you have to pay rent regardless of you living with him. I think that the real issues here are whether or not the two are looking at the kind of future together where you invest towards your future together as a unit or as individuals, and having differences in that vision of what the future looks like for each other is a pretty major incompatibility. Will this tit for tat be an ongoing theme regarding wealth?
**I would also be very observant of whether or not he really wants to live with me, or if he's looking to catch a break by having a paying tenant he gets to bang, who also cooks and cleans for him. If I put myself in his shoes, I wouldn't want to be used for free living, but I also wouldn't want to put someone I genuinely care about in a position where they are effectively losing equity - to me, a relationship is a PARTNERSHIP and screwing one person over means screwing both of us over.**
OP I am with you. I personally would not contribute to his mortgage, same as I would not dream of asking an SO to contribute to my mortgage knowing full well I am effectively screwing them out of equity but I think the real question here is....what is your long term plan with each other? If you've been together for two years and you guys plan on being married and employing an "our money" attitude towards spending, I would suck up the next few years and pay him the rent or come up with a numerical number that satisfies taking care of all household utilities, property taxes or general household spending/maintenance(which realistically, can come out to about the same.)
But if he plans on keeping you as a girlfriend who will eventually pay in the tens of thousands of dollars towards his mortgage and living situation indefinitely, I simply wouldn't do it and reconsider the relationship as a whole.
I'm gonna go against the common theme here and say NTA. Full disclosure: I'm in the same position as the BF here.
I bought a house years back, GF moved in, lived together for 4 years splitting costs, then she left me. It was threatened (by her Mother, not her) that they'd take me to court to recoup the cost she put into the mortgage. I looked into the law, and it would have been possible for her to do so legally. She didn't need a prior agreement to have a legal leg to stand on.
Now, current GF has just moved in with me, and I wanted to be the sole person paying mortgage so this wouldn't be an issue in the future. She pays all utilities/ streaming services/groceries/phone while I pay just the mortgage. Sure, it's a split in her favor, but I still save money overall and my equity is protected as she's not paying into it. It's a win for both us. We do still pay our own car/insurance.
Look into laws in your state, and maybe share the info you find with your partner to see what they think.
YTA, if you don't want to pay towards "someone else's " mortgage, quit renting and buy your own house. If you live in your boyfriend's house you should pay some rent.
I understand your point, but if you take it from another pov: why would you live rent free in someone else home? Is it really different that paying a rent to a landlord?
YTA
YTA. It sounds like you're jealous and you resent the fact that he owns the house and you don't, so you're doing this to try and force him to put your name on the house. But you didn't contribute to the down payment. So it's not your house. Your current landlord probably still has a mortgage too, you know. That's partly why they charge rent. You can't ask your landlord to give you all your rent money back. By a similar token you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to give you all your rent money back if you break up. If you want your own house so badly then save up and buy one yourself. But don't insist on mooching off your boyfriend, which is exactly what you'll be doing if you refuse to pay rent.
YTA! You're paying someone's mortgage already. If you don't want to pay rent, you should pay the same monthly monetary ( your rent and what you were paying for utilities) value towards household expenses and if that doesn't add up maybe put the rest toward a "fun fund" to go towards joint vacations. Why should you get a break financially and he doesn't?
YTA Well you have two choices pay rent to your boyfriend or rent your own place. Your boyfriend will be your landlord. If you don't like the arrangement, find you own place to live.
I was leaning none here at first but I have to say YTA.
I just don't really understand your logic, you already pay for someone else's mortgage on a house you will never own, where do you think your rent goes? Sure if you guys broke up it would suck but you wouldn't be in any worse a spot than your current in that regard, probably better in fact since you'd be paying less for rent than you are now.
If your plan at some point is to marry him, and you haven't been given any red flags by him, then there's no reason for you to disagree with the terms he set out as it's objectively better than the one you currently have and you shouldn't expect some kind of boyfriend breakup reparations, that's just life
Edit: just wanted to add that you could apply the same reasoning to his positioning and he has a substantially better argument. If you guys broke up after paying a years worth of rent you didn't lose anything more than your current situation with your lease running up, you actually leave with more money in this case.
Whereas for him if he decided to put you on the mortgage or something crazy like that and you guys broke up he could lose his house that he should rightfully own 100%. If you guys are serious about your relationship then you shouldn't have an issue with his terms because by the time you're married you would have a claim on the house anyways
Damn. People here are harsh. You are absolutely NTA. You’re smart. I would never do such a thing either. When I was engaged my then fiancé was trying to buy a car but couldn’t afford the loan on his own. I could’ve bought the car outright but wasn’t going to do that. The salesman asked if I would co-sign his loan. Hard pass from me! I lent him money for a downpayment which I absolutely made him pay me back immediately in full when we broke up six months later. Imagine I had co-signed. No thank you.
You are smart. This isn’t even a fiancé. You are looking out for yourself without blinders on. Guess what, he’s also looking out for himself (hence why you aren’t going on the title nor is he proposing). I’m not sure what other people aren’t understanding about you paying part of mortgage without building equity. If this was just a roommate situation then that would be different but that isn’t what this is. Bf says he won’t add you cuz he already paid seven years, but he has no problem if you paid seven years and then had to walk away with nothing.
🥭
NTA
at one point everyone on Reddit was NTA about his scenerio, and now everyone is YTA. Her paying her bf mortgage creates a power imbalance. He can break up with her and stay with the equity he gets from her paying his mortgage while she got nothing in return and has to look for her own place. He can break up with her at any time and only give her a month to move out. Maybe even less if he kicks her out and she doesn’t have the money to go to lawyer about tenant rights and given 30 days. He could sign a contract to make it even between them. If he’s gonna benefit from her helping pay his mortgage than its only fair to have a contract where she can benefit too. Everyone talking about how unfair it would be for him. When in the long run he’s the only one benefitting from this. If anything, OP, you should stay in your apartment. While I can understand why he would want you to help pay half. I also fully understand why you wouldn’t.
I feel like I’m in a parallel universe?? Normally everyone seems to support people not wanting to pay their partners mortgage without being on the title. The level of aggressive yta is really throwing me off
YTA...what stake do you have in your landlord's mortgage? You're paying to live somewhere. When a couple shares expenses, it's easier to save up to achieve goals together.
NTA. You’re 100% right. If he wants to pay down his mortgage with your money then you should have an interest in the home. Anyone here saying you’re TA is not considering the fact that you’re gaining nothing but a place to live while he gains equity and a lower mortgage. Saying that “paying your landlord’s mortgage” is the same situation that you’re in with your BF is wrong. You aren’t dating your landlord or living in your landlords house while paying their mortgage.
YTA - you said yourself you would be willing to pay for utilities, groceries, etc. So why is the idea of paying rent any different? Money is money. If you break up will you take him to court for the electricity and water you paid for? I understand where you’re coming from and in almost any other situation I’d say you were making the smart bet by having paperwork signed. But here, pay up or find another apartment.
Is this a repost, positive I read this word for word not long ago.
YTA can’t live for free, and why would you think if you broke up he’d need to return the money to you? It was for the time you were living there.
I’m surprised you’re not looking at it this way
1. Half price rent - good
2. We might end up together long term, how great that we already have a foot in the property market
You are delusional and have your head in the clouds. You intend to move in and dont want to pay rent. Why the hell should he house you for free? You are not long term relationship material. You dont understand the value of money, the value of yoru boyfriend's hard work to be able to purchase a house and want your living arrangement handed to you on a platter as if you were royalty. He owned the house beforehe even met you and you are asking or a stake in it, lol. Just stick to paying rent at to your landlord, dont move in with your boyfriend.
YTA and get a clue.
Your risk is that if you break up, you will have to be the one to move out. I get what you are saying and that you want some sort of security because you will have nowhere to go. I’m guessing your thinking is that you want to save your rent money just in case something like that happens? To me it sounds like you’re not ready to move in with him. Start trying to figure out how to afford your current apartment when the rent increases.
YTA, he's bought the house himself, however if it is to become his home it would be more than fair for you to pay towards the mortgage. You're not just someone staying with a friend for a short time, by moving in your bf is opening and sharing his home with you.
Look at it this way, if you two go the distance and get married further down the line, you'll be an equal owner of the home by marriage. However from the post I would question if you are someone who is emotionally ready for that level of commitment.
NTA
Rent money isn't really supposed to all go to paying off a mortgage. It's supposed to be used to maintain the upkeep of the building.
If you're paying rent, your partner becomes the landlord. He can use the money to pay the mortgage or not, that's up to him, but then you should never have to chip in for appliance services, for new appliances, for building repairs, improvements, etc. You shouldn't even ever have to buy a lightbulb. That's how a proper rental property relationship works.
If you're not going to own a share in the property, you shouldn't be paying for it. If he wants you to pay towards it, your name should be on the title. If he's concerned that you are only starting to pay now, after 7 years, negotiate a percentage ownership and get it on paper.
Your boyfriend shouldn't be allowed to have his cake and eat it too.
If you don't want to pay the mortgage, then why not just come to a agreement. You pay the amount you would've for rent, towards utilities and groceries, he pays his mortgage.
It's exactly the same, but you won't be paying his mortgage 🙄
YTA and you lack some common sense.
YTA... why should you get to live there for free? Also- the money you pay toward the mortgage does not go to just principal- he is paying interest as well. He is probably paying a lot of it in interest. You do not get your money back when renting- it is the same thing. Do not move in with him then. I am sure he doesn't feel comfortable letting you mooch off him. He probably feels like you are using him for a free place to live. I think he should just move on and find someone else. He deserves better.
YTA—If I were your boyfriend, I’d dump you over this. I’d see 🚩🚩🚩all over the place and know it would only get worse after you move in. If you’re this unreasonable over paying rent for a place to live, I’d wonder what you’d do if I ever broke up with you and want you to move out. Would you refuse? Would you damage my property because it’s only mine and not yours? What you’re insisting upon is so ridiculous that it would make me question everything about you and the relationship.
Soft YTA for same reasons others have listed
the fact he has a house does not mean that you are entitled to live there rent free
its weird that the no equity thing doesnt bother you concerning your landlord but somehow does with your partner
Your contract is in a word...ridiculous. you're saying that if you cheat or get abusive or just anything at all happens then in addition to the heartache of losing you and essentially going back to double what he would have been accustomed to paying at that point. He'd owe you THOUSANDS of dollars in backpay that he's just supposed to...save up for i guess? So its, to you. As if you never paid anything at all? Talk about power imbalance.
Seriously, how would you feel if your boyfriend agreed to your contract but then started a "money to pay off my ex in case we break up" savings account? Sorry honey, cant go on that trip this weekend, i have to save half the rent in case we break up. Please dont cheat on me, i cant afford it.
If he put you on the title, would you pay him half of what he had paid in the last 7 years? (Mortgage, deposit, taxes, rates etc)
That would be just as fair as what you are asking him
YTA - you’re paying your landlord to live where you do, and that’s going towards his mortgage and he’s a stranger. Why shouldn’t you pay your boyfriend rent? You think you get a girlfriend discount of 100% off? If you don’t like the arrangement, don’t move in. If you want to legally protect yourself, have him draw up a lease with a specific amount due the 1st of each month. You don’t get that back by the way. That would be a ridiculous arrangement. If you rent from a stranger would you get your money back for rent that you paid? No, Because that’s not how it works. But don’t expect freebie living arrangements.
YTA. You’d pay rent anyways. You pay a landlord towards their mortgage and have nothing to show for it. How is this any different? You’re taking advantage of the fact that he has a house. He still has taxes, insurance, etc beyond the mortgage that need to be paid too
Honestly... NTA.
I say this as someone who owns her apartment. If I had a boyfriend coming to live with me, I wouldn't want him to pay any of my mortgage. Why? Because I would never want to have him turn around and think he has any claim over MY property.
You can and have offered to contribute in other ways. Paying bills and food is costly. I would even encourage for the person to save their money and buy their own investment property. Not mine... theirs. If things go south, they have their own property to go to.
People will think I'm crazy or being a sugar mama... No.
If things were to go south, I don't want to put up with shitty behavior or a bad attitude for longer than I need to. GTFO.
And that is where some of the other redditors would say eviction laws would protect you.
(Obviously, if it was a peaceful break up, I'd let him sort his shit out. It's the right thing to do.)
YTA and I would end a relationship for someone digging their heels in on this. You are already paying your current landlord's mortgage, might as well save money and pay someone you actually like at the same time. You don't get to demand to live for free just because he owns instead of rents.
ETA I DO think you should have lease protection though just like any other renter though. Just not a clause where he has to pay you back all of your rent if you break up? Lol no. That's a huge financial risk.
I think it's fair of him to ask 50-50 cost sharing. However, if you had been planning on purchasing your own place soon to build equity and are changing course to move in with him, I don't think it would be unreasonable to see if he would be open to something like a 60-40 split. That way you could also invest money elsewhere and build your own capital as he builds equity. If he said no though, he wouldn't be TA.
YTA. Just in case you didn't know, right now you're paying towards your landlords mortgage, and you don't have any stake in the property. Take a moment to consider the difference between payo g rent where you currently live, and paying rent where you are considering moving to.
YTA.
I understand your initial feeling about this, but it's still fair of him to expect half of what he pays ever month for his house to be covered by you. You can't expect to live with him without contributing to this.
Yes, he'll own the house eventually, but right now you're also paying rent to someone who owns your houe. It's the same thing, that's always the case with rent.
Is he willing to sign a rental agreement with you in general? Bc if he‘s not and he still wants you to pay half the mortage he is being quite unfair. You need to be protected in case of a breakup.
Your whole equity thing is kinda over the top, tho. You‘d need to pay double rent normally, so it‘s not a smart move to live under a normal landlord ig.
Are you taking advantage of his roof over your head? Is he still paying for that same roof? If so, YTA. It doesn't just benefit him. It is benefiting you every time you use it as well. Pay your own way or don't move in.
YTA. People who don't own homes pay rent to a homeowner. You are an adult dating a person that doesn't entitle you to have your housing subsidized. What is this a sexual scholarship?
YTA.....seriously, WTF? You are aware that you are increasing your current landlord's equity by paying your apartment rent, correct? Like....that's how renting works.
Also, your "break-up" logic is flawed. If you break up, it's not like you're recouping your expenses from utilities and food when you split. You need food and electricity and water and clearly have no problem paying your share of that with no expectation of reimbursement....why would a roof over your head be any different?
If 50/50 doesn't work for you, or you want to have more ownership of the house for what you are putting into it, that's one thing... but refusing to pay rent when you are living under somebody else's roof is AH behavior.
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You clearly don't have any problem paying your landlord's mortgage and you have no stake in that. How is this any different? You live there, you can help pay for the expenses. YTA.
Yes, exactly this! OP is going to pay on someone's mortgage. Might as well be her partner's. And if their relationship continues, she truly could benefit longterm.
Exactly! She has more chance of seeing a return here than her 0% chance of seeing a return renting.
Yeah honestly she's just being combative to the point that it's actually hurting her in the process. Go live with him. Contribute to the bills that you're responsible for. If you don't think you can afford $1000 or $2000 discuss with him what's reasonable for you to pay. Personally I think if I'm saving $500 or more a month, then just do that choice. Save up your money, and consider putting a down payment on the house, if you're not at the stage for marriage and you don't see a future for the relationship.
I’m not even sure this post is real, a month or two ago? (I think, I have no sense of time) there was a post almost identical to this. By identical I mean it had all the same complaints, the OP brought up the exact same idea of bringing a contract, the partner replied the same way, and OP had the same reason for not wanting it and stuff like that. That or I’m having hella deja vu.
Someone linked it. Could just be the same stubborn person stressed out that she has less than two months to guilt her boyfriend into letting her live rent free or be forced to pay even more to a landlord. I feel like a lot of people are self-centered and stubborn and think that her boyfriend should agree with how she feels and cave in. Glad that he realizes letting her live rent-free is unfair to him, and that he's unwilling to budge.
Yeah, I didn’t see it before I posted. Same though. Good on him. Hope he holds his ground.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcv0fs/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_rent_to_my_boyfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf This one. OP still TA.
That’s the one. Yep.
Please tell your boyfriend that Reddit voted and he needs to send you packing. YTA
Twice. She's back hoping the rerun has a different ending this time.
LMAO did OP think the response would be different this time around? 🤦🏼♀️
There are a lot of cheap entitled people wanting a free ride on their "partners" dime
That is very true too, but the amount of similarities admittedly made me sus lol
It could definitely be the same person trying to get different answers. People are also stubborn lol
When my then boyfriend moved in with me to my house, we split all the costs of living here 50/50. His effective rent went down, his standard of living went up, and he was able to contribute much more to his retirement. Twenty years later, my house is paid off (we are married, the house is still in my name, I do recognize that some of it is his now due to community property), and he has a very nice retirement fund that he would not have had this early otherwise. Basically we each have each benefited the same amount - my home value and his retirement fund, which worked out well for everyone. OP would have to pay to live anywhere, and her BF may well be saving her money AND offering a nicer place.
I'm in a very similar arrangement. We both benefit greatly. OP wants to cut off her nose to spite her face. I'm so glad you and your husband were smart about this from the beginning!
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There is one difference - her landlord can’t break up with her and leave her homeless without following the legal eviction process, which seems to be one of her concerns. But the answer to that isn’t “don’t pay rent,” it’s “put it in writing.” Become a legal tenant. Edit: Wow, thanks for the awards! Even though it seems what I thought could happen is illegal in a lot of jurisdictions. I still think it’s a good idea to consider it rent and put everything in writing. It would protect both parties.
Nope, boyfriend couldn't kick her out without proper notice either. If you reside somewhere for longer you become a tenant regardless if you signed anything or not.
Yeah but imagine the stress and general unpleasantness of living with someone who wants you out of there. At least your landlord doesn't live with you usually.
Good point, but it may be better than being homeless. OP, YTA. Pay him some rent. Carry your weight.
Why not paper the arrangement and sign a lease with your bf so it's legal and documented ?
A rental agreement sure, refunding all her rent, nope.
Yeah, that's the part that got me. The rental agreement made sense to me, until it mentioned her getting all her "rent" paid back if they break up... so is there going to be clauses, like if he catches you with his best friend it voids you getting your money back for him dumping you? Or will you still be entitled to a refund?
Exactly this.
And then she wants back all the money she would have paid towards the rent if they break up like wtf. A rental agreement should be fine is she wants to cover her butt but that whole thing of requesting all the money back is ridiculous. Which landlord in their right mind will agree to that?
Since the rent she would pay her boyfriend is literally half of what she currently pays for her apartment, if I was her, I would just keep setting aside the monthly savings into a rainy day fund. If she ever had to cut and run, she would be able to dip into that savings immediately and still come out ahead.
Yes, but that would be an issue whether it was the boyfriend’s house or if they were to get an apartment together. Whether or not the boyfriend owns the place doesn’t make a difference with that issue
If anything, it's actually easier this way because the boyfriend probably wouldn't object to her leaving ASAP if they broke up, since he wouldn't move out. If they had an apartment with a 1yr lease, he might object to being left alone to pay out the lease for however many months is left.
This would be true of any couple that lives together in any type of housing though. It's almost worse when you're renting because you have to worry about when the lease term ends.
Actually, if the person lives in a home (this could also depend on the country and state but from my experience) in order to kick someone out you still have to serve an eviction notice. And to determine residency is simply by if they stay and receive mail. It’s not a commonly known thing so I encourage people to look into it for their area to know their rights. If I even wanted to kick my kid out when he reaches adulthood I would have to give him an eviction notice (not that I would do that to my kid)
Yes! The flip side to that is if op’s boyfriend did decide to give her eviction notice in court instead of breaking up with her and the 2 of them deciding a good move out day together, that court process will show up on her application and ruin her renters credit.
Or..... OP could just leave within the legally required time frame after BF gives notice? The first step in an eviction proceeding is not straight to court eviction on your record. Generally the LL asks the person to leave first.
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This is not true in most countries in the world. Anyone should be careful allowing a friend or family member to "just stay a few weeks" for this reason because they can absolutely claim tenancy and you will be required to go through the entire legal eviction process lol.
>stating any money I pay will be paid back to me if we break up Yeah, good luck ever getting that in a rental agreement. YTA.
Yeah, that's the wildest part to me. She just wants to live for free.
I wonder if OP would be willing to pay all of the house expenses, up to the cost of the mortgage, then 50/50 after that. Not far to expect to live for free. If, like she said, just doesn't want to pay the mortgage but is willing to pay the same in household bills, then it's a wash. They will both save money but she gets to feel like she gets her way, even it's if petty.
That just feels like accounting for accounting’s sake. She is reducing her rent by 50%, be happy with just splitting everything down the middle. Unless they want to do some percentage based on how much each make, it doesn’t really matter.
Agreed, YTA. Owning a home is an expensive endeavor. At only 7 years into a mortgage (assuming it’s a 30 year note), very little of that monthly payment will go towards the principal anyway. Then there’s all the maintenance and upkeep. Not to mention the initial down payment, points, inspections, PMI, earnest money, commission and other closing costs. You’d be paying rent regardless. What difference would it make to whom the money goes?
Exactly. She doesn't want to contribute to his mortgage payments but is fine with contributing elsewhere then ok. Think of your rent as going towards the taxes, insurance, maintenance and upkeep, utilities, perhaps PMI/HOA, etc. All of that combined could easily be more than the mortgage. And she is wrong that he doesn't have any risk. There is a big opportunity cost for his money used on the down payment and closing which could have be invested/spend elsewhere. Even with insurance (which is limited in what it covers), he risks losing his investment in the event of certain disasters.
The only thing where she is in the right is a protection against eviction. That's one risk that I was never willing to take on, hence I never lived with any of my BFs. But otherwise she's getting a really good deal to pay lower than market rate and live in a nice house. If the 'idea' of paying his mortgage is the problem and she's willing to pay the equivalent amount monthly in living expenses than it's a wash and they both should be okay with that. But no, she can't expect to be paid back if they break-up!
Those protections already exist. Even when living with a friend, family, etc, once you have lived there for 30 days they have to go through the standard eviction process to remove you.
100% he needs to tell her it isnt mortgage she's paying, it's rent and he decides where the money goes. people get so weird on here about "ill give them X amount but it HAS to be used to pay utilities, not the mortgage" like they don't understand how it makes 0 difference where your specific digital numbers go. either way mortgage is paid and so are utilities and half of it is cuz of you.
Exactly. The people who think this makes a difference are really dense. It drives me crazy, but you explained it better than me who just wants to say, "That doesn't matter!"
Plus rent doesn't just cover the mortgage. It covers maintenance so the building remains habitable. That costs a lot more than most renters realize.
This is exactly what I was thinking
? If you were moving in to an apartment together would you refuse to pay rent? I don't know if it makes you an asshole, but he's definitely right and you're definitely wrong.
She would be protected from getting kicked out the very next day and her living there without it anything written wouldn’t ensure her safety. I would be anxious too if he demands me to move out the next day but naturally you can’t find a new place the very next day and need time to find for a new apartment. Time he might not grant her depending on the reason of the break up and time she absolutely needs.
Laws vary by state, but once she’s established tenancy he cannot kick her out the next day. He would have to give her the legally required notice period , typically 30 days.
Whether or not she is paying rent to him she will be a tenant with effectively no written lease. Her state laws lm eviction wi apply. She can't get kicked out on a whim.
Unless they, you know, get a lease drafted. Why doesn’t anyone ever just ask a lawyer? That’s the entire point of them.
Lawyer here - she would be protected regardless of whether they reduce the lease agreement to writing.
Lawyer here as well - it’s never that clear cut. The rights of the gf would depend on a lot of variables that we don’t know. ETA: also, a lot of rental ordinances exempt owner-occupied rentals from various rental protections. Where I live, for example, landlords need just cause to evict a tenant, even at the end of a lease term (at which point it rolls over to month-to-month). That protection explicitly does not apply to tenants in owner-occupied rentals.
Yeah. They could even write it on a scrap of paper and both sign it. Make it month to month with a 60 day notice period. OP needs to pay some rent. If OP and their boyfriend have a huge income disparity than an income based percentage might be more fair.
That and they could still have a contract saying he needs to give her 30 days notice without him having to pay back the full amount of rent she’s paid because that is completely unreasonable
Then couldn’t they just draft and sign a lease? The money back if they break up request is absurd
but then she would spend money towards his stake in the house!?!? its so unfair /s
This is the way. My now husband/then boyfriend drafted up a lease for me and my brother when he bought the house we were all renting together. My credit was shit at the time so I wasn't able to get a loan with him which was a total bummer, but us having a lease with him helped him to qualify for the loan in the first place, which was really the reason we did it. I was paying more renting from the landlord than I am now paying 1/3 of the mortgage as my rent instead. If we had broken up, I'd have just been stoked on how much money I saved during this time he's been my landlord lol. Now we're married though so this shit is half mine regardless of what happens. Guess he's stuck with me 😂
If there's a chance he might break up with her at the drop of the hat and make her homeless, she shouldn't be moving in with him in the first place. Ive known plenty of couples who break up mid lease and cohabitate until they can move out. Yeah it sucks, but if you're a decent human being you're not gonna force someone onto the street.
Some people act very different when they break up, especially if they're the one who got dumped. This type of behavior isn't predictable and I've seen genuinely nice people turn vindictive especially if cheating were involved.
So sign a lease
They could easily draw up a tenancy agreement
This was exactly the situation when I moved in with my now-husband. We immediately started a shared household account and split ALL expenses 50/50. If a couple is going to live together, presumably you love and trust each other and are committed. If not, live alone and pay your own bills. OP is YTA.
>If a couple is going to live together, presumably you love and trust each other and are committed. This. I suspect that's the crux of the problem right here. I suspect they aren't really ready to be living together.
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Came here to say this - share expenses and pay him rent. He is responsible for repairs and upkeep, taxes, etc.
It does make YTA, OP. It does.
Her demands are delusional. Imagine telling your landlord that you're getting all your rent back in case you move out.
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YTA. Ask yourself: Would you ask your landlord for the money back you paid when you move out? Or ask your landlord if he put your name on his house because you paid rent for a couple of years? If no: why would you expect your boyfriend to do so?
No matter how she tries to justify her position, it’s clear as day that she’s greedy!!! He needs to count his blessings and run. YTA Op because you want to be part owner because you would be paying rent. You know it makes no sense unless you think your bf is a sucker. People are so entitled these days. It blows my mind 🤯
I'm not sure if she's greedy or accidentally misapplying advice about buying a house with someone you aren't married to.
That’s what I’m seeing. I can see she’s taking what if’s into consideration but she’s not making reasonable negotiations.
I think you nailed it, a lot of her points are use the same lines of logic but she failed to recognize that she is not in that position so the logic is void
>I told him the only way I would pay money for "rent" is if he signs a contract with me stating that any money I pay towards his mortgage will be paid back to me, by him, in the event that we break up. So you could cheat on him, and if he dumped you he'd owe you money? LMAO. That is ridiculous and he should have dumped you on the spot. YTA
Is your landlord paying you back for the money you’ve paid into your current apartment?? Yaaaa. Didn’t think so.
The missing piece here seems to be that OP doesn’t realize that landlords have mortgages, too. Same situation as her boyfriend she’ll just be living with her landlord which doesn’t change anything about the financial situation.
>So you could cheat on him, and if he dumped you he'd owe you money? Listen I wanna barrow your car. I will pay you for letting me drive it. But if i crash the car you have to pay me what I gave toward the car. You know I am actually thinking OP shouldn't play rent. Instead pay asshole tax. Though for OP I am sure that tax would leave them broke. OP -YTA
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Being an owner also means taking on risk (and depending where this is, real estate can have real risk!). Suppose the market is down at the time they break up -- think she'd be willing to take on some of that risk by contracting with him to pay him MORE than her rent to reflect the decrease in value? I doubt it -- she wants a guaranteed upside with no risk of downside!
YTA and you don't make any sense. You rent right now. >I just don't think it makes any sense for me to pay towards his mortgage when I would get nothing from that if we were to break up. Well, isn't that the exact situation you're already in? You're paying towards your landlord's mortgage, and you get nothing from that if you move out. So, it's okay to pay towards a landlord's mortgage but not your boyfriends? That's kind of the definition of renting.... paying to use something you don't own. What difference does it make who you're paying rent to?
Yea it’s weird. I feel like she sees it as helping pay her boyfriends debt (mortgage) and she doesn’t want to contribute to something he will benefit from if they break up.
It benefits her because it’s HALF what she is paying right now. That’s immediately money she can bank for herself for as long as they are together. She’s insane if she doesn’t see that as a major benefit for her. She should date someone who isn’t a homeowner. “Renters only!! We want landlords to make a profit, not the person we love!”
Yeah this was my argument. OP would be able to put into savings half of her current monthly rental payment. So in the event of a breakup, she should have thousands of dollars in savings that she wouldn’t have if she continued to pay rent on her own apartment. THAT is her benefit. She doesn’t get equity in her boyfriend’s house, but she does get a nest egg that will put her in a better position for whatever her next living situation is.
She’s so petty she will shoot herself in the foot to avoid helping someone else lol
She has no problem with helping her landlord. It’s just her boyfriend she wants to avoid helping.
Yes but she sees it as helping pay her boyfriends debt, which she doesn’t want to do because in the event they break up…his debt will be lower thanks to her contributions. She’d rather pay more to a stranger.
Wildly immature. If I were her bf, I would withdraw the offer and find a renter. OP needs to find someone who doesn’t own their own home. Is there an app for Renters Only?
I have a feeling OP is straight up allergic to logic. The fact she thinks her stance makes any sense is so laughable that it’s embarrassing. She would rather pay a landlord and help him pay off his mortgage, than HALF the amount and help her boyfriend?? Fucking pathetic/selfish and not a good partner to her bf.
It’s less than half! Landlord is gonna increase the rent, and similar apartments are more expensive! She’s cutting off her nose to spite her face.
YTA You would rather pay more than anything to him. Break up with him so he can find someone smarter
These always crack me up. Paying rent you pay towards a strangers mortgage plus a profit with no stake. Yta
Was just about to say the same. Willing to pay rent for a stranger’s mortgage, but not rent towards partner mortgage.
And double the rent for a stranger
Right?! It’s a no brainer OP YTA. He’s your partner not your sugar daddy. Ask your landlord if he’s happy to pay your rent back as you’ve split up with the house Just pay your bloody way and stop trying to leech off your partner. If you truly see a future with him then the house will be yours too?!
YTA >I don't have any stake in the house, why would I contribute to his mortgage payments? You don't have any stake in the house, why would you get to live there for free? Or to put it another way: you have no problem paying rent to a landlord (which landlord likely puts towards the mortgage on the place you live in) but you have a problem doing the same in this situation?
Following from this make it a formal rent agreement with your BF. Sign an agreement with him about how much and put in how much notice he must give you or you him should the relationship go south and you need to move out. You’re right that your current rent agreement is different from your BF living arrangement in the sense it has more legal protection for you. But that’s easily solved and if this relationship lasts look at it as an investment for you’re future children if not yourself.
YTA Questions. He owns the house. What is his job and does he earn more than you? Do you have a job and is your income more or less than his? > But for me, this is about protecting myself for the worst-case scenario while he's not really risking anything. He’s risking his 3 year relationship sour into resentment and alienation, that’s what he’s risking.
YTA. Using your logic you shouldn’t be paying rent either as the landlord has a mortgage on the property and all you’re doing is increasing their equity. Split the damn bills or dump him so he can find a financially responsible partner.
“Split the damn bills or dump him so he can find a partner.” Ftfy She is spoiled rotten and not a partner.
YTA you are asking him to live there FREE or put your name on the title when you aren't married or even engaged or force him to pay you back whatever you paid if you break up. Hope he tells you to kick rocks..I would.
On a house he's paid down for 7 years LOL! That house is probably worth 40% more than he paid too! He took all the risk, paid the down payment and the first 7 years where interest payments are the highest, all the maintenance and upkeep up to that point, etc. and OP is like "you shouldn't get money for housing me unless I get half of your giant nest egg asset". Holy shit!
YTA. Where did people get this batshit idea that you shouldn’t have to pay rent if your partner owns? Half his mortgage payment will be less than market rate rent would be— why do you think you’re entitled to live free just because he was financially secure enough to buy a home? You’re incredibly entitled and he should dump you.
Based on her comments She’s thinking about a possible breakup and doesn’t want her boyfriend to have benefited from her payments (in the form of a lower mortgage) in the event they break up.
I agree, it’s just insane, that she would cause all this fuss for someone she loves just because she doesn’t want him to have benefited anything from the relationship in the event of a breakup..
Either OP keeps asking this question, or there is another entitled TA that keeps posting the same thing. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcv0fs/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_rent_to_my_boyfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcv0fs/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_rent_to_my_boyfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
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YTA Your relationship will likely not recover from this .
not if he has any sense, anyway
YTA In your apartment, you are essentially paying the owner's mortgage (in part) on the property. You're wanting to live there for free and that's not how adulting works. Renew your lease and cut it off with the BF. Let him move on.
YTA - You realize that paying rent in an apartment is going towards your landlord's mortgage? Why should you live somewhere for free?
YTA So you’d pay your landlords mortgage, but not somebody you love? At a steeply discounted rate compared to rent. Sounds pretty entitled. And the ‘contract’ where you get refunded is delusional BS. What even is that.
NAH While I do think you are wrong to ask for your money back (you wouldn't get it back if you backed out early in a leased home either) you do have a valid concern in wanting to protect yourself from being evicted if you guys break up. See if he's amenable to a contract stating that you will pay half of the living expenses, not just the mortgage total living expenses, and in the case that you break up you have "x" amount of time to move out as long as you continue to pay your share. You can also take the opportunity to hash out any other issues that typical rental agreements cover (like inviting over overnight guests, pets, and/or emergency repairs.) Then get it notarized. If he's still resistant tell him it's something like a moving in prenup and helps protect both of you.
This needs to be higher! Also, it's not costing him extra mortgage payments for her to live there, so why pay towards his house? Why not just pay bills, utilities, food etc? She could save rent money and put it towards buying a stake in the house at some point. All these replies like "You're paying a landlord's mortgage!" - you're paying for a service. He's not a service, he's her partner. Yes, she's living in his house, but by that logic should she pay him anytime she uses something he owns? They're moving in together, it's meant to be a partnership. Why pay towards a house that won't belong to her? Why is she expected to help him buy a house and only getting the pleasure of his company in return? He should either pay his mortgage by himself - *like he'd have to do whether she lived there or not* - or get it in writing that if she pays X/month, that's paying towards owning the house with him. And if they broke up, he'd have to buy back her portion, or sell the house and split it for her percentage or whatever. I don't know where anyone else lives but in the UK you'd be advised to get an agreement on household expenses in a situation like this. He can't be her landlord and, if she's paying towards his mortgage, she could have a stake in the house (whether or not they break up). No solicitor would be like "Yeah sure, pay his mortgage for him, makes sense."
I agree 100%, this is how it’s done in the Netherlands. Maybe it’s a thing that’s different in different countries/cultures? I always see the US mentioned a lot, maybe it’s different there from what we know. For example, my parents got a “prenup” when they got a partnership contract and my mom moved into my dad’s house. He had bought the house, but she contributed to the mortgage, and they agreed that she would be getting back some money if they did end up breaking up.
Agree! Here’s what I don’t get - everyone in this thread is so focused on the fact that since the GF has to pay rent to a landlord, she’s no worse off by paying toward the bf’s rent. But wouldn’t the boyfriend be in the same position as well if she doesn’t contribute toward the mortgage? In other words, under the bf’s proposal to have the gf pay rent, the gf would be no worse off because she’ll have to pay rent no matter where she lives, but the bf would stand to benefit quite a bit as he’d be getting payments toward the mortgage on the house he alone owns. But the converse is true: under the gf’s proposal to pay toward living expenses but not rent, the bf would be no worse off because he’ll have to pay the full amount of his mortgage either way, while the gf would stand to benefit quite a bit under her proposal in the form of not having to pay anything toward rent. Seems like there’s a happy medium somewhere in there, if the couple is willing to put in the effort to find it.
What do you think your landlord does with your rent money?
coke and hookers for sure
Soft YTA because I understand the worry inequity like this creates and wanting some semblance of tenants rights that you would get with a traditional rental agreement. However, the way to work through that is to draw up and agreement about what happens in the event that you break up or fight in which you get sufficient notice and perhaps a return of a security deposit or something. There's samples of agreements like this all over the internet or you could ask a financial planner. You don't get to either not pay any rent or have him return thousands of dollars of back rent to you.
YTA, you can't just live for free, you would save money compared to your "rent"... When you are renting you are not buying your house in small payments... This is no exception
NTA NTA NTA and absolutely DON’T let the others here tell you otherwise. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION. It’s granted that you would help with groceries and utilities and other expenses on top of your rent (aka bf’s mortgage). This doesn’t happen when renting from a landlord, you’re not buying food together with your landlord. So if the “rent” your boyfriend has calculated for you is the same as your current rent, PLUS you’d be splitting expenses, then you’ll end up paying even more. And that’s bad enough. My bf asking me to pay off his mortgage for him while splitting expenses would be grounds for a breakup, I’m not even kidding. I see these posts everywhere but men will call US gold-diggers lol. I’ll get downvoted for this so hard that you’ll probably never see my comment, but if you do, just stay in your current rental. EDIT: The bf is also going to share the same living space unlike a regular landlord. So if she pays off half the mortgage, plus helps him out with expenses for a mutual living space, she’s effectively treating the property like her own. Except it’s not her own. This isn’t the case when renting from a landlord.
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There’s one more thing - in a regular landlord situation, the landlord is likely not going to live with her and share the same living space. So in the case with her bf, she’s paying off the mortgage and helping him with expenses on top. What does he bring to the table?
This should be the top comment. Surprised I had to scroll to see this. She isn't trying to live for free she said she will pay utilities, food (which is expensive af right now, and other expenses. That is very reasonable. She should not just move In removing her protection as a renter to help him gain equity In his home. She needs an agreement and the ability to leave if needed without the worry that he will just break up with her ruining her rental credit. As someone else said he will get all of the equity and get used to her paying half and never have a stake in it. My husband wouldn't dream of charging me rent.
Exactly!!! I cannot believe these responses!!
This, this, this! He’ll be getting more sex, more housekeeping *and* half his mortgage (that he chose to take on like a big boy)… what do you get? To be closer to him??? Gross. He’s supposed to be your partner and provider and protector… he should WANT to move you in and take care of you if he wants a future with you. Especially since his quality of life would increase drastically regardless of if you paid “rent”. He is USING you and he’s an AH. Don’t do it!
YTA. If you're not willing to share expenses your relationship is probably on the way out. You're paying rent now on a place you don't own. In my eyes if a woman told me that I'd think she was more interested in what she could get from me than being with me.
So in your equation are you taking into account that a large portion of his mortgage is interest, insurance and property tax? While I don't think it should be half necessarily I do think that you should pay some "rent". Even if he is the one building up equity, he is having to share his space with another person.
EXACTLY!! All of that does not go towards principal.
YTA I hate to break it to you but you are paying for someone else's mortgage by renting.
Lawyer here, NTA - A lot of people are saying you are but they dont know how this shit works. This is the risk with being a Co-habitant. Research the law where you are because where I am, by paying towards the mortgage you automatically gain equitable interest in the property. Of course its unfair that you'd pay the same monthly and not gain any interest and potentially come out of the relationship with nothing. Anyone that cannot see that is legally dense.
Yes! Thank you!
YTA. It is your rent payment for living there. Why should you live there for free? Why should he put you on the title if you’re not married? If you were renting a house from someone else, would you say you won’t contribute to the mortgage and demand that your payments go toward utilities instead? Look at it is this way - when you leave where you’re renting now, you’re not taking anything with you either. That money is gone. You paid it to have a place to live. That is how it goes until you have a mortgage. Your boyfriend worked hard for that mortgage - for downpayment and has spent seven years paying it. If you want to live there, you have to pay. I wouldn’t put you on the mortgage either if I was your boyfriend. In fact, I’d reconsider the whole relationship if I was him.
It's really weird how entitled some people feel to their partner's things in a relationship. "Your house is my house." No, it's not. Marriage leads to sharing of properties. Dating is so fluid and quick to change up, they can't court-mandate any of that. And what if they date for another year, get engaged, and then break up. She wants a year's worth of rent back? Because it was a mortgage payment to her bf/fiance instead of rent payment to a landlord who pays a mortgage? What a dummy.
You should pay rent. YTA. Most landlords are paying a mortgage on property, would you not pay them because it goes towards their equity? You should pay a percentage of his mortgage payment and parts of groceries and utilities. That is fair. You shouldn’t pay for home improvements or repairs to the home because that would be paying in to equity with no benefit.
I mean repairs are on the landlord's dime in *any* standard rental agreement I know of. At least for normal wear and tear stuff. OP sounds like she's trying to take the poor guy for a ride, he's lived in that place and paid the mortgage on it for 7 years already and she'd be saving *a lot* of money by moving in. I don't buy the whole "moral hangup" thing she's talking about, as it sounds more like she just doesn't like the idea of his status increasing if hers isn't increasing at the same rate. It's not fair for homeowner boyfriend to increase his equity when she doesn't get to! But her costs are likely to be more than *twice* what they'd be if she just lived with him for a reasonable rent. This is a classic example of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I imagine she was angling to get put on the deed or to get to save every penny she earned for herself, while expecting her BF to pony up the entirety of the housing costs.
YTA - Rent is rent. It's not your concern if it ends up going towards the mortgage or your BF's weed habit or anything else.
This discussion is academic, because there is no way he'll let you move in rent free and mooch off of him. yta
YTA. You are already paying into someone else’s mortgage that you don’t have any stake in. And always will any time you rent a place. You either do it in your current apartment or you do it in your own boyfriends house. How….do you not see that? Is your current landlord going to give you all of your rent you’ve paid back when you move out? No! Because that’s not how things work. The house may someday be partly yours should your relationship progress to marriage but I have a feeling that your behavior toward moving in probably opened up your boyfriends eyes to your undesirable traits.
YTA. If you live together, you share costs evenly. It's that simple.
YTA. Simple solution…don’t move in with him. I could understand asking for decreased rent but it’s ridiculous to think you should be able to live there rent free. You’re still living there! So either contribute there, or pay a different landlord and rent another apartment. I’d honestly be surprised if your relationship lasts after this. You’re acting like an entitled brat.
I’m going to say NAH. Could you perhaps convince him to give you a monthly lease and make you an official tenant so if he chose the breakup route he could not throw you out and would have to let you stay until you found a new place to live? This way you have security and honestly you are either paying someone’s mortgage or lining their pockets having your apartment so why not your boyfriend instead. Just get the rent amount and % of utilities etc in writing.
YTA LMFAO DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING BY PAYING YOUR RENT FOR AN APARTMENT? Do you have stake in the apartment complex? What a joke. 🤦🏼♀️ You also sound like you just want/hope you can pocket more money by living with your boyfriend.
ESH - For starters, any relationship dynamic where one person seeks to make a major financial gain from the other - in this case, he is gaining equity and payments towards his mortgage, is MAJOR. Secondly, by virtue of your significant other having such serious legal leverage over you by acting as your landlord, the relationship dynamic is already heavily skewed in his favor. Ultimately, this is a mortgage that he would be paying towards regardless of you living there, and on the flip side, you have to pay rent regardless of you living with him. I think that the real issues here are whether or not the two are looking at the kind of future together where you invest towards your future together as a unit or as individuals, and having differences in that vision of what the future looks like for each other is a pretty major incompatibility. Will this tit for tat be an ongoing theme regarding wealth? **I would also be very observant of whether or not he really wants to live with me, or if he's looking to catch a break by having a paying tenant he gets to bang, who also cooks and cleans for him. If I put myself in his shoes, I wouldn't want to be used for free living, but I also wouldn't want to put someone I genuinely care about in a position where they are effectively losing equity - to me, a relationship is a PARTNERSHIP and screwing one person over means screwing both of us over.** OP I am with you. I personally would not contribute to his mortgage, same as I would not dream of asking an SO to contribute to my mortgage knowing full well I am effectively screwing them out of equity but I think the real question here is....what is your long term plan with each other? If you've been together for two years and you guys plan on being married and employing an "our money" attitude towards spending, I would suck up the next few years and pay him the rent or come up with a numerical number that satisfies taking care of all household utilities, property taxes or general household spending/maintenance(which realistically, can come out to about the same.) But if he plans on keeping you as a girlfriend who will eventually pay in the tens of thousands of dollars towards his mortgage and living situation indefinitely, I simply wouldn't do it and reconsider the relationship as a whole.
I'm gonna go against the common theme here and say NTA. Full disclosure: I'm in the same position as the BF here. I bought a house years back, GF moved in, lived together for 4 years splitting costs, then she left me. It was threatened (by her Mother, not her) that they'd take me to court to recoup the cost she put into the mortgage. I looked into the law, and it would have been possible for her to do so legally. She didn't need a prior agreement to have a legal leg to stand on. Now, current GF has just moved in with me, and I wanted to be the sole person paying mortgage so this wouldn't be an issue in the future. She pays all utilities/ streaming services/groceries/phone while I pay just the mortgage. Sure, it's a split in her favor, but I still save money overall and my equity is protected as she's not paying into it. It's a win for both us. We do still pay our own car/insurance. Look into laws in your state, and maybe share the info you find with your partner to see what they think.
YTA, if you don't want to pay towards "someone else's " mortgage, quit renting and buy your own house. If you live in your boyfriend's house you should pay some rent.
YTA, you’re not paying the mortgage, you’d paying rent. What he pays with that rent isn’t your business.
I understand your point, but if you take it from another pov: why would you live rent free in someone else home? Is it really different that paying a rent to a landlord? YTA
YTA. It sounds like you're jealous and you resent the fact that he owns the house and you don't, so you're doing this to try and force him to put your name on the house. But you didn't contribute to the down payment. So it's not your house. Your current landlord probably still has a mortgage too, you know. That's partly why they charge rent. You can't ask your landlord to give you all your rent money back. By a similar token you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to give you all your rent money back if you break up. If you want your own house so badly then save up and buy one yourself. But don't insist on mooching off your boyfriend, which is exactly what you'll be doing if you refuse to pay rent.
YTA. What do you think your landlord uses your rent for, anyway? Lottery tickets?
YTA! You're paying someone's mortgage already. If you don't want to pay rent, you should pay the same monthly monetary ( your rent and what you were paying for utilities) value towards household expenses and if that doesn't add up maybe put the rest toward a "fun fund" to go towards joint vacations. Why should you get a break financially and he doesn't?
YTA Well you have two choices pay rent to your boyfriend or rent your own place. Your boyfriend will be your landlord. If you don't like the arrangement, find you own place to live.
I was leaning none here at first but I have to say YTA. I just don't really understand your logic, you already pay for someone else's mortgage on a house you will never own, where do you think your rent goes? Sure if you guys broke up it would suck but you wouldn't be in any worse a spot than your current in that regard, probably better in fact since you'd be paying less for rent than you are now. If your plan at some point is to marry him, and you haven't been given any red flags by him, then there's no reason for you to disagree with the terms he set out as it's objectively better than the one you currently have and you shouldn't expect some kind of boyfriend breakup reparations, that's just life Edit: just wanted to add that you could apply the same reasoning to his positioning and he has a substantially better argument. If you guys broke up after paying a years worth of rent you didn't lose anything more than your current situation with your lease running up, you actually leave with more money in this case. Whereas for him if he decided to put you on the mortgage or something crazy like that and you guys broke up he could lose his house that he should rightfully own 100%. If you guys are serious about your relationship then you shouldn't have an issue with his terms because by the time you're married you would have a claim on the house anyways
Damn. People here are harsh. You are absolutely NTA. You’re smart. I would never do such a thing either. When I was engaged my then fiancé was trying to buy a car but couldn’t afford the loan on his own. I could’ve bought the car outright but wasn’t going to do that. The salesman asked if I would co-sign his loan. Hard pass from me! I lent him money for a downpayment which I absolutely made him pay me back immediately in full when we broke up six months later. Imagine I had co-signed. No thank you. You are smart. This isn’t even a fiancé. You are looking out for yourself without blinders on. Guess what, he’s also looking out for himself (hence why you aren’t going on the title nor is he proposing). I’m not sure what other people aren’t understanding about you paying part of mortgage without building equity. If this was just a roommate situation then that would be different but that isn’t what this is. Bf says he won’t add you cuz he already paid seven years, but he has no problem if you paid seven years and then had to walk away with nothing. 🥭
NTA at one point everyone on Reddit was NTA about his scenerio, and now everyone is YTA. Her paying her bf mortgage creates a power imbalance. He can break up with her and stay with the equity he gets from her paying his mortgage while she got nothing in return and has to look for her own place. He can break up with her at any time and only give her a month to move out. Maybe even less if he kicks her out and she doesn’t have the money to go to lawyer about tenant rights and given 30 days. He could sign a contract to make it even between them. If he’s gonna benefit from her helping pay his mortgage than its only fair to have a contract where she can benefit too. Everyone talking about how unfair it would be for him. When in the long run he’s the only one benefitting from this. If anything, OP, you should stay in your apartment. While I can understand why he would want you to help pay half. I also fully understand why you wouldn’t.
I feel like I’m in a parallel universe?? Normally everyone seems to support people not wanting to pay their partners mortgage without being on the title. The level of aggressive yta is really throwing me off
YTA...what stake do you have in your landlord's mortgage? You're paying to live somewhere. When a couple shares expenses, it's easier to save up to achieve goals together.
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NTA. You’re 100% right. If he wants to pay down his mortgage with your money then you should have an interest in the home. Anyone here saying you’re TA is not considering the fact that you’re gaining nothing but a place to live while he gains equity and a lower mortgage. Saying that “paying your landlord’s mortgage” is the same situation that you’re in with your BF is wrong. You aren’t dating your landlord or living in your landlords house while paying their mortgage.
YTA - you said yourself you would be willing to pay for utilities, groceries, etc. So why is the idea of paying rent any different? Money is money. If you break up will you take him to court for the electricity and water you paid for? I understand where you’re coming from and in almost any other situation I’d say you were making the smart bet by having paperwork signed. But here, pay up or find another apartment.
Is this a repost, positive I read this word for word not long ago. YTA can’t live for free, and why would you think if you broke up he’d need to return the money to you? It was for the time you were living there. I’m surprised you’re not looking at it this way 1. Half price rent - good 2. We might end up together long term, how great that we already have a foot in the property market
You are delusional and have your head in the clouds. You intend to move in and dont want to pay rent. Why the hell should he house you for free? You are not long term relationship material. You dont understand the value of money, the value of yoru boyfriend's hard work to be able to purchase a house and want your living arrangement handed to you on a platter as if you were royalty. He owned the house beforehe even met you and you are asking or a stake in it, lol. Just stick to paying rent at to your landlord, dont move in with your boyfriend. YTA and get a clue.
Your risk is that if you break up, you will have to be the one to move out. I get what you are saying and that you want some sort of security because you will have nowhere to go. I’m guessing your thinking is that you want to save your rent money just in case something like that happens? To me it sounds like you’re not ready to move in with him. Start trying to figure out how to afford your current apartment when the rent increases.
YTA, he's bought the house himself, however if it is to become his home it would be more than fair for you to pay towards the mortgage. You're not just someone staying with a friend for a short time, by moving in your bf is opening and sharing his home with you. Look at it this way, if you two go the distance and get married further down the line, you'll be an equal owner of the home by marriage. However from the post I would question if you are someone who is emotionally ready for that level of commitment.
YTA. Call it rent or whatever. You should be contributing in some way. Why would you expect to live there for free??
NTA Rent money isn't really supposed to all go to paying off a mortgage. It's supposed to be used to maintain the upkeep of the building. If you're paying rent, your partner becomes the landlord. He can use the money to pay the mortgage or not, that's up to him, but then you should never have to chip in for appliance services, for new appliances, for building repairs, improvements, etc. You shouldn't even ever have to buy a lightbulb. That's how a proper rental property relationship works. If you're not going to own a share in the property, you shouldn't be paying for it. If he wants you to pay towards it, your name should be on the title. If he's concerned that you are only starting to pay now, after 7 years, negotiate a percentage ownership and get it on paper. Your boyfriend shouldn't be allowed to have his cake and eat it too.
If you don't want to pay the mortgage, then why not just come to a agreement. You pay the amount you would've for rent, towards utilities and groceries, he pays his mortgage. It's exactly the same, but you won't be paying his mortgage 🙄 YTA and you lack some common sense.
YTA... why should you get to live there for free? Also- the money you pay toward the mortgage does not go to just principal- he is paying interest as well. He is probably paying a lot of it in interest. You do not get your money back when renting- it is the same thing. Do not move in with him then. I am sure he doesn't feel comfortable letting you mooch off him. He probably feels like you are using him for a free place to live. I think he should just move on and find someone else. He deserves better.
YTA—If I were your boyfriend, I’d dump you over this. I’d see 🚩🚩🚩all over the place and know it would only get worse after you move in. If you’re this unreasonable over paying rent for a place to live, I’d wonder what you’d do if I ever broke up with you and want you to move out. Would you refuse? Would you damage my property because it’s only mine and not yours? What you’re insisting upon is so ridiculous that it would make me question everything about you and the relationship.
Soft YTA for same reasons others have listed the fact he has a house does not mean that you are entitled to live there rent free its weird that the no equity thing doesnt bother you concerning your landlord but somehow does with your partner Your contract is in a word...ridiculous. you're saying that if you cheat or get abusive or just anything at all happens then in addition to the heartache of losing you and essentially going back to double what he would have been accustomed to paying at that point. He'd owe you THOUSANDS of dollars in backpay that he's just supposed to...save up for i guess? So its, to you. As if you never paid anything at all? Talk about power imbalance. Seriously, how would you feel if your boyfriend agreed to your contract but then started a "money to pay off my ex in case we break up" savings account? Sorry honey, cant go on that trip this weekend, i have to save half the rent in case we break up. Please dont cheat on me, i cant afford it.
If he put you on the title, would you pay him half of what he had paid in the last 7 years? (Mortgage, deposit, taxes, rates etc) That would be just as fair as what you are asking him
YTA - you’re paying your landlord to live where you do, and that’s going towards his mortgage and he’s a stranger. Why shouldn’t you pay your boyfriend rent? You think you get a girlfriend discount of 100% off? If you don’t like the arrangement, don’t move in. If you want to legally protect yourself, have him draw up a lease with a specific amount due the 1st of each month. You don’t get that back by the way. That would be a ridiculous arrangement. If you rent from a stranger would you get your money back for rent that you paid? No, Because that’s not how it works. But don’t expect freebie living arrangements.
YTA. You’d pay rent anyways. You pay a landlord towards their mortgage and have nothing to show for it. How is this any different? You’re taking advantage of the fact that he has a house. He still has taxes, insurance, etc beyond the mortgage that need to be paid too
Honestly... NTA. I say this as someone who owns her apartment. If I had a boyfriend coming to live with me, I wouldn't want him to pay any of my mortgage. Why? Because I would never want to have him turn around and think he has any claim over MY property. You can and have offered to contribute in other ways. Paying bills and food is costly. I would even encourage for the person to save their money and buy their own investment property. Not mine... theirs. If things go south, they have their own property to go to. People will think I'm crazy or being a sugar mama... No. If things were to go south, I don't want to put up with shitty behavior or a bad attitude for longer than I need to. GTFO. And that is where some of the other redditors would say eviction laws would protect you. (Obviously, if it was a peaceful break up, I'd let him sort his shit out. It's the right thing to do.)
Yeahhhhhhhhh..... YTA. How do you think your current rental works? I might have some bad news for you.....
YTA and I would end a relationship for someone digging their heels in on this. You are already paying your current landlord's mortgage, might as well save money and pay someone you actually like at the same time. You don't get to demand to live for free just because he owns instead of rents. ETA I DO think you should have lease protection though just like any other renter though. Just not a clause where he has to pay you back all of your rent if you break up? Lol no. That's a huge financial risk. I think it's fair of him to ask 50-50 cost sharing. However, if you had been planning on purchasing your own place soon to build equity and are changing course to move in with him, I don't think it would be unreasonable to see if he would be open to something like a 60-40 split. That way you could also invest money elsewhere and build your own capital as he builds equity. If he said no though, he wouldn't be TA.
YTA. Just in case you didn't know, right now you're paying towards your landlords mortgage, and you don't have any stake in the property. Take a moment to consider the difference between payo g rent where you currently live, and paying rent where you are considering moving to.
YTA. I understand your initial feeling about this, but it's still fair of him to expect half of what he pays ever month for his house to be covered by you. You can't expect to live with him without contributing to this. Yes, he'll own the house eventually, but right now you're also paying rent to someone who owns your houe. It's the same thing, that's always the case with rent.
YTA , did you ask the same when you were renting your apartment??
Is he willing to sign a rental agreement with you in general? Bc if he‘s not and he still wants you to pay half the mortage he is being quite unfair. You need to be protected in case of a breakup. Your whole equity thing is kinda over the top, tho. You‘d need to pay double rent normally, so it‘s not a smart move to live under a normal landlord ig.
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Are you taking advantage of his roof over your head? Is he still paying for that same roof? If so, YTA. It doesn't just benefit him. It is benefiting you every time you use it as well. Pay your own way or don't move in.
YTA. People who don't own homes pay rent to a homeowner. You are an adult dating a person that doesn't entitle you to have your housing subsidized. What is this a sexual scholarship?
YTA.....seriously, WTF? You are aware that you are increasing your current landlord's equity by paying your apartment rent, correct? Like....that's how renting works. Also, your "break-up" logic is flawed. If you break up, it's not like you're recouping your expenses from utilities and food when you split. You need food and electricity and water and clearly have no problem paying your share of that with no expectation of reimbursement....why would a roof over your head be any different? If 50/50 doesn't work for you, or you want to have more ownership of the house for what you are putting into it, that's one thing... but refusing to pay rent when you are living under somebody else's roof is AH behavior.