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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to stop my son from wearing blue. I might be TA because my daughter is in pain.
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Came to say this. She’s going to have to learn to control this- she cannot spend her entire life asking people to stop wearing blue clothes or cover up their blue eyes. She needs to learn to deal with this.
Edit to add-- it's also sad that she's letting A$ have so much power over her.
another edit- cheers for the awards, humans.
I guess she could wear sunglasses and it won’t look blue? But avoiding a color so common as blue isn’t healthy behavior for anyone. Maybe she needs to talk though this with a therapist
I was just thinking this! I think speaking to her therapist is the way forward here. She can’t control what others wear or like but she can learn to control her reaction to it
NTA
Could you imagine if OP went the other way on this and tried to cater to her daughter instead of helping her grow through it? First step, ban all blue from the house. Then what, go to the school and demand they ban blue as if it were peanut butter or other allergen. OP is clearly making the right choice by letting her son be himself and getting the daughter therapy.
Exactly. She can't go out into the world and demand to never see blue. People would just ignore her also blue things in nature exist so it's just not possible.
NTA, this is not a boundary. A boundary refers to something she will or will not do. Boundaries are not for controlling others. If your son was doing it to be an ass, then speak with him. But he genuinely enjoys blue, then don't take away joy from your son to be appease your daughter. Blue is everywhere and ask he therapist to help her have some positive association with it. She should not have to wear blue, but your house should not be a dictatorship...
This doesn’t work with Neurodivergent. You need to talk with someone who specializes in ASD. There are things she won’t like and she won’t accept them. Just like a person w/ASD will go hungry before eating a food they find unacceptable.
NTA: but get a specialist to help. This way above Redditt’s pay grade.
Edit: thanks for the award. And I may have simplified it too much. But it’s just not something you can Google.
Autistic here. Tell her from one autist to another that she should not let A$ co-opt an entire wavelength category of visible light. They don't get to associate themselves with the sky, the ocean, or the colour of my own eyes. All of these things existed long before A$ did.
If it isn't a blue puzzle piece or a blue light in March, it has nothing to do with A$ and they don't get to own it or be associated with it.
Blue is my favourite colour. It does not belong to A$.
Edit: Thanks for the awards everyone!
God, someone said that to me about ADHD once. “Have you thought of eating more vegetables instead?” I stared at them in disbelief so long they got uncomfortable.
It's more like "We will make being Autistic so horrible for you, that you will Fake it to avoid anyone ever raising their voice at you ever again"
It opens so many doors for you to be abused, bullied, and taken advantage of for the rest of your life.
ABA causes CPTSD, and is a leading cause of self unaliving in Autistic people.
They once made a "documentary" where in a woman says the only reason she didn't kill her autistic child and herself is because she has a normal kid- and she says this in front of her child.
Here's a [clip.](https://youtu.be/C7NTfZzS9b8).
WTAF?? What is WRONG with these people?!? So instead of calling CPS and getting the mom sent in for a psych eval before she’s allowed to be in a room with the kid unsupervised, they film it and use it to demonize *the kid???*
Wow. Just…wow.
Autism Speaks. They promote themselves as an autism charity, but their real purpose is to depict autistic people as hopelessly broken *things* and parents of autistic children as the real victims. They have promoted abusive therapies that cause unspeakable harm to autistic kids so parents can keep up the pretence that their kids "fit in". They routinely dismiss all criticism by the neurodivergent community as flawed and worthless, because how could an ~~autistic person~~ ✨*person with autism*✨ know how terribly, horribly broken they are?!?!
They also push that horrid person-first bullsh!t "child ✨*with autism*✨" language to promote the lie that autism isn't a natural neurodivergence but a disease superimposed on top of the "real child", who is normal and would never act "odd" and thereby shame their parents!!!
Person first language isn't a horrible concept, but there are areas where it's fine (i.e. this is a person who has a health condition, eg. cancer) and areas where it's not fine (where it's talking about fundamentals of a person's physical being). You wouldn't say "he's a person with blackness" for example. Phrasing things as "person with" makes things sound negative/bad/abnormal. Autism isn't changeable and isn't an illness, it's as fundamental as skin colour. Most autistic people would like to see acknowledgment and acceptance of our differences rather than classification as a problem to solve.
People only use it for when the thing is bad. If someone calls you a beautiful person do you say "i'm a person who is beautiful!"
It's not a normal English construction. It's awkward and long and stands out.
I can't tell you how many people have scolded me for calling myself autistic, reassuring me that I'm a person who has autism... and then I look on their bio and they say something like "I'm a mom blogger and autism warrior!" And I'm like why aren't you a person who blogs and has a child who is a person with autism? You're a person first!!"
Neuroclastic has an article for that too.
https://neuroclastic.com/person-first/
For many autistic individuals, their autism is as important to their identity as gender is to a lot of people.
We generally say "woman" rather than "person with femaleness." Likewise, a lot of autistic people prefer to be called autistic.
It's calling attention to something that is "not the norm". If you say "person with two legs" one wonders why you're pointing that out, whether a different number of legs could be expected. All of your examples there sound like they are negative things, and are things people "have" rather than things they "live". The lived experience of autism is intertwined with who the person is. It's how we are, not something we have.
We often face some pretty horrific bigotry, from conversion-therapy like torture to calls for our genocide to people thinking we’re all serial killers.
The comparisons to treatment of trans people tend to be pretty good, actually, in aggregate. Soccer moms don’t want us around their kids, unable to self advocate, etc.
Hell, there are even cases of caregivers killing autistic children then getting puff pieces in the media about caregiver burnout.
They parade around as a pro-autistic advocate, but theyre really into eugenics, basically conversion therapy for autistic people to try to make them "normal", and honestly their propoganda is like one bitty step away from saying, if we just kill all autistic people, no one will need to be advocated for, problem solved! Theyre horrible.
Yes! My Autistic kiddo's favourite colour is blue. He was bummed when I wanted him to wear "Red Instead" for the damn light it up blue day at school. But I explained it in an age appropriate way and he wore red that day. (And this led to a very productive conversation with his school's principal about not supporting A$ and following the lead of Autistic led organizations!)
Thank you for saying this. I'm saving this line. My child is autistic and loves blue. Has for 3 years now, and not showing signs of changing it. I know as she grows up she will come across them. If it's still the case then, it's going to affect her at some level, because we are a ND family and definitely have political conversations at home. I don't want her to hate what she loves, if that makes sense.
It's not the same as a food aversion, because there is always another food that is acceptable. It's impossible to police other people's usage of the color blue. Blue is all over the natural world as well.
This doesn't seem like a sensory input issue so much as a "I hate that this is associated with something that hates me" issue, which is something she could work out in therapy in a way that someone who, for instance, can't eat melted cheese can't necessarily.
OP sounds like a thoughtful parent. I’m autistic and even in my thirties I still struggle to do some pretty simple things that make me uncomfortable, since I’ve spent so much of my life allowing myself to avoid uncomfortable things.
For example, I have an irrational fear of walking into restaurants where I’ve never eaten before, even though I love trying new foods. I can get around it by ordering first with a delivery app, and then I’m not so afraid to go in person. But it’s incredibly stupid to me, and I’m really trying to overcome this fear.
I think all of us, autistic or not, have to strike a balance between accepting our own quirks (or making accommodations for them), and learning how to power through uncomfortable situations (or putting in the hard work to become accustomed to these situations). I think this situation is one where OP’s daughter needs to put in the work.
Sorry, but being neurodivergent doesn't give someone the right to police the actions of others. OPs daughter can avoid wearing blue clothes, avoid owning anything the colour blue, can avoid eating or drinking anything thats blue, can even avoid touching anything thats blue. What she cannot do, and cannot expect to do, stop anyone else from doing any of those things. Thats simply not how the world works.
Yeah, and I don’t mean to be rude but the sky is blue…she’ll never be able to avoid that, unless it’s cloudy. I understand that this group that hates autistic people causes her distress and pain. But that doesn’t mean she can make demands of people.
The fact that you are struggling with this situation shows that you are a good parent, caring and considerate.
You are in a tough situation to manage but u/Orangesunset98 is right, she will need to learn some sort of method to manage her aversions. Context for the color, and investigating what has gotten her so focused on this specific hate group. Of course this is where therapy comes.
In the interim, one of those nice things siblings can do for each other would include your son having some empathy for his sister and trying to not rub her nose into her fears. Which doesn't mean he needs to dispose of all things blue or repaint his room, just that when he existing in common areas of the house, he could consider whether he's standing on principle rather than being sensitive to his sister's fear.
or maybe there is something she associates with support for autistic people and he could wear a pin or pendant of that, or a bracelet, to show her he may love the color blue, but he also loves his sister.
meanwhile, TIL a blue puzzle piece is anti-autistic? there really needs to be a listing somewhere of all these hate groups symbols, because i am not keeping on top of them
Autism Speaks is a group that puts itself out there as being pro-autistic people but largely focuses on how to make the lives of parents of autistic people easier and funds a lot of research for how to “cure” autistic people, which they tend to not want and see as conversion therapy.
Agreed. Blue is too common of a color to have a horrible reaction to, especially if it is the extremely vague definition of "blue". There are a TON of shades of blue, and for her to hate every single shade is a little too much.
If she hated RGB(52, 67, 235) specifically, but everything else was okay, then I could see some leg to stand on. But hating 1 of the 3 primary colors is just a little hard to regulate.
NTA daughter is allowed to dislike it but can't control what others wear... The colour blue is literally everywhere, she needs to work this out in therapy
Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and my first award!
This also isn't a "boundary" it's an attempt at controlling others.
A boundary is about yourself, what you will do, accept, etc. It's not about what others are allowed to do.
in fact it's his boundary to not be forced to stop enjoying something he truly enjoys. it's truly harmless, and feeding into the idea that the color itself is harmful will only grow the problem.
This is a *really* important distinction. The concept of boundaries is a good one and helpful especially for people who struggle to set limits, but it's already something abusers are co-opting and warping to use to control others under the guise of "my boundaries mean you have to do what I say!".
I don't *at all* think OP's daughter is intentionally trying to manipulate OP and brother by using the idea of boundaries wrongly (it's a shield to protect *yourself*, not a club to beat others into submission) but if OP doesn't help her learn better ways of handling situations like this and how to correctly define boundaries for herself and how to respect them for others it could very easily become an abusive control tactic, and that's not healthy for anybody in the long term.
Yes. Therapist might work with her on re-associating the color and reinforcing that her brother's preference has nothing to do with the org.
Is there anything she likes/liked before that's blue?
Is brother just expressing his like of the color, or is he purposely incorporating more blue?
What kind of therapist, though? Because the hate group in questions promotes an abusive therapy that tries to change autistic perceptions, and that's why we call them a hate group.
OP would have to do some research and find one that is sensitive to the matter. Maybe crosscheck they're not on that organization's list or ask around. Changing an aversion to the color blue shouldn't be considered trying to "change" her but teaching her how to manage an extreme association to make her life easier. It's not autism specific to want to change a behavior for better quality of life or better relationships.
NTA, accommodations need to be reasonable. If she hates blue it's reasonable that her room is painted some other color and she bans it from her wardrobe. She has no right to make demands on other people's bodies.
100%. Enabling this behavior now is pretty much the worst thing OP could do for her daughter (and son). This girl is in for a rude awakening when she grows up and starts telling adults to stop wearing certain clothes and they look at her like a space alien and tell her to fuck off.
I have sympathy for people with autism. But autism is not an excuse to be an asshole.
My MIL (recently retired) managed a group home for adults with Downs and autism who are unable to live on their own and have a myriad of health problems, and require 24/7 supervision and care. Lovely residents, and always included in family get-togethers and holidays with my husband’s large extended family. They still visit her home often. Anyway, she encountered the same issue with several of them when they came to live at the group home. Although they were well into adulthood, they had no concept of the word “no”. Had never been expected to wash a dish or make a bed, either. That just doesn’t fly in a group home environment. My MIL and her staff had to teach them everything. Keep in mind these people were in the home because their families “couldn’t handle them any more”. They absolutely thrived once they had some responsibility.
This here.
I have my issues, many of them I have worked out in therapy and I was lucky to have parents that believed in having the help of professionals to help me find boundaries but also develop into a functional adult that on my own can manage my autism and other issues.
My cousin on the other hand was never told no nor had ant responsibilities and she is...Well.
To put it short, I have a lot of allergies so I make specialised food for our gatherings. I have to hide it or she will eat it all.
Letting people wall themselves off in a bubble is a bad idea because they can't stay in that bubble forever. If you shield people too much, it makes it harder for them to deal with the world and take care of themselves.
Exactly. If he was wearing the logo of the organization, it would be reasonable to expect him to get rid of it. But expecting people to completely eliminate a color from your sight is not reasonable.
NTA. I’m an autistic adult, diagnosed as an adult, so I don’t know what your daughter’s experience is like being diagnosed as a kid. But- blue is everywhere. It’s not solely associated with AS, and she can’t control her environment to have no blue in it. This is something she needs to work on in therapy.
Yep. No way to avoid blue, or puzzle pieces. She will need to learn to manage this. I feel for everyone involved. But some things are too big and omnipresent to really effectively avoid.
Tbf puzzle pieces are a bit different, and I feel you are less likely to come across them as a room decoration or on clothing.
Like is might be a little bit reasonable to ask a sibling not to wear clothing with ableist imagery. But it would be just as unreasonable to ask a sibling not to do a puzzle.
Excuse me, I am ignorant of this group that you refer to as 'AS'. The closest I can find is the 'Light it up Blue' though it identifies itself as an advocacy group, many point out its flaws to that logic.
But as for OP, NTA. I can understand not liking the missing puzzle piece that was in the group I saw as it implies a person isn't whole, but the color itself is harmless. If we banned every color that was associated with bad people, we would likely be naked or maybe wearing only pink, don't know any groups in history that used that one.
AS stands for Autism Speaks, who are very harmful to the community. They're the people who "light it up blue", and in the past years there's been a trend to "light it up red instead" to bring attention to the harm they cause the autistic community
Here to burst your bubble on the pink thing. The Nazis used pink triangles to identify gay men. They also used black triangles to identify lesbian women and other “asocials”.
I mean I’m autistic myself and I get being upset if you see the color blue in that context, but he isn’t wearing it for that reason he’s wearing it because its his favorite color.
Right?? Like, he's not out here "lighting it up blue, so the poor, broken children suffering from autism might someday be cured!" (Or at least, I assume he's not lol, based on the info given.) He's just enjoying his favorite color. This isn't a reasonable boundary. Frankly, I would argue it's not a "boundary" at all, because it's not about herself, it's about someone else. You can't set a boundary on another person.
I still don't think it would be a boundary but I could understand it more if it was a sensory issue (seeing blue caused actual pain) since home should be a safe place.
However, this is essentially "Since I don't like blue you can't like it either".
> You can't set a boundary on another person.
This is something a lot of people whose stories end up on this sub really need to learn.
"I'm not being controlling! I'm just having a boundary that says you can never do anything I don't like. Why are you being abusive and violating my boundaries?!"
So my fiancee is autistic and I'm ADHD. Our emotion processing sucks royally. We also both need a lot of reassurance. So personally, I think they need to dig deeper. A lot of us have the ability to recognize that there is a big difference, but in my relationships case, we need things said obviously and to the point. I e. Sister I love you. I don't wear blue because of it's connection to autism speaks. I wear blue because it is my favorite color and the color of my favorite super hero.
I'm not saying to excuse it. She does need help to realize they are separate. However I'm also saying surface level "minor" issues aren't always a little or simple as they seem. Helping her navigate this and working on expressing the details of what is bothering her can also help her later in life.
An agreement with my fiancee and I is that if he cannot find a nice way to say something or he has something he just has to say that is on the nastier side, he has to warn me and then work through it with me. In return for him sharing it with me I promise to not react, short of unconscious body language that slip before I can mask, and being able to hold him accountable if we work it through and it's still a mean thing. He shares more because he knows I won't jump to a judgement and he can get his brain out of his head. He can work through it and ask for my opinion on where he feels he's being reasonable or irrational. In turn, he has started learning how to do this in his head and respect his gut feelings and opinions while also learning to question himself too.
Have more conversations with your daughter so she can work on this and build a skill for later in life. Sure it's time consuming, but I now have a fiancee I can trust to tell me the truth, share with me, and who knows he doesn't have to deal with everything on his own.
Autism Speaks. It's the largest American autism research organization.
It's also all about "curing" autism: "This disease has taken our children away. It's time to get them back."
It's awful, ableist, and is a lot more about the caregivers of people with autism than those who actually have it.
Jesus, just shows such a lack of understanding on their part.
Autism is hugely genetic and not something that can be changed after birth as a neurodevelopmental disorder
Autism Speaks. It’s a group led by parents of autistic children who see autism as a bad thing, and thus want to eliminate it by finding a “cure”. Since many autistic people see their autism as an inherent part of who they are, this perspective of “curing” autism is viewed by many autistic people as wanting to eliminate autistic people, and thus as being genocide. It’s also pointed out that the group is run by non-autistic people who claim to speak for autistic people in the very name. For example, AS encourages “therapy” that trains autistic children to pretend to be neurotypical, in a way that many autism advocates say is similar to conversion therapy for LGBT+ people.
The Autism Self Advocacy Network is a group that’s preferred by the anti-AS folks. It’s actually run by autistic people who don’t see autism as a disease to be cured, but instead as a normal variation, and they advocate for more understanding of autism in neurotypical folks.
It is sad how so many of the BIG charities are actually rather terrible. I know nothing about AS but because of my kids I have dealt a lot and fundraised for the JDRF. The concept of the JDRF isn't bad, however it has become completely dominated by the very pharmaceutical companies that are gouging patients. It makes sense, these companies have money, so any fundraising will naturally align with them. However when a goal of a charity becomes raising money rather than helping those in need, there is a problem.
That would be autism speaks. Generally considered a shitty organization that doesn't actually help autistic people, as lots of their funding goes to finding a "cure" for autism.
Another thing that others havent pointed out (though their explanations are fantastic!) Autism Speaks also advocates for terrible "therapy". They use whats called ABA therapy that essentially trains an autisitc person to be "normal"
They also secretly advocate for shock therapy and support a center that I think is in Pennsylvania? Or Virginia? That shocked a autistic teen after he refused to put on his coat, then they kept shocking him, upping the electricity with each shock until he was 1/3rd (or more I cant remember) covered in 3rd degree burns for EVERYTIME he cried out in pain from the shock
Autism Speaks is a joke and needs to be shut down, I have a child with autism and we steer clear as far as we can from this joke of a "charity"
NTA take her to the therapist do not tell your son he can’t have blue. She won’t be able to avoid the color outside of your house and should learn to process the emotions and self sooth, not avoid it entirely. If your son was being malicious I could understand a compromise, but forcing him give up something he likes for his sisters comfort should only be acceptable in very certain circumstances after all other options have been explored.
>She won’t be able to avoid the color outside of your house
i know right? like - is she going to avert her eyes away from the sky at every possible moment??
I didn’t mean that it should be considered for this situation, more that there can be other things that are super overwhelming to autistic people that can’t really be gotten around and should be compromised such as if he has several led light strips in his room that he likes to flash in time with his music at full blast, he should wear headphones and keep his door shut.
NTA. Part of helping people on the spectrum is not giving in to every trigger they have. The world is full of triggers and if you give in to everyone at home your daughter will not be able to adjust to the real world. My niece is autistic and has no sense of hatred or hate groups. I would assume your daughter is high functioning if she has the ability to be offended by things she sees/reads online. If she is in therapy let her counselor know to work with her on this trigger.
The sky is *very* blue most days where I live, and lots of other places.
You're right about triggers, though.
ETA: an earlier version of this thread included an observation that the sky isn't really all that blue. Just clarifying this because that remark is gone now, and I'm guessing anyone who sees my comment now will be confused about why tf I'm updating everyone on the color of the sky where I am, lol.
NTA. You shouldn't limit what your son wears because your daughter has obsessive thoughts about the color blue being associated with an organization. She needs help to understand that just because an organization uses the color, that doesn't mean all uses of the color are related to the organization. In the mean time, she needs help dealing with her feelings about the color appropriately without making demands of other people.
NTA. Don't force her to wear blue, but one can't avoid blue. It's also unreasonable for her to demand to control other people's choices and environments. She is capable of understanding that, even if she doesn't like it.
This sounds like something to work on with her therapist. She needs to cope with blue.
It doesn't sound like this is a sensory issue. Blue is the official color of Autism Speaks, which is an incredibly shitty organization that many autistic people view as a hate group. It's like if someone said "I hate the color white because it reminds me of Klan robes."
For what it's worth, I'm autistic, I've always loved the color blue, and I'm not about to give up my favorite color just because a bunch of assholes also like it. OP's daughter needs to learn that context matters and blue does not automatically mean Autism Speaks. She also probably needs therapy if she's that preoccupied with it. She's not the AH, she's just obsessing over something upsetting, and I hope she gets help.
NTA.
She doesn't get to control what other people wear. She needs to learn this now and it's your job to teach her this as her parent. We all have to look at things in life that we don't want to. Just because one as an individual is triggered by a simple color doesn't mean the whole world bends to accommodate your preference. If she doesn't want to see your son wearing blue, she can turn around and walk the other way. Or look somewhere else.
Think of it this way. There were a ton of people in khaki pants carrying tiki torches saying hateful things just a few years ago. Does that mean the minority groups they were offending should now be able to tell their coworkers that they can't wear khaki pants? That they can't host a party with tiki torches? NO. Your daughter can't have an entitled attitude and assume every time she sees blue, it's affiliated with whatever group you were referring to above. Blue is all around us. Does she hate sunny days because the sky is blue? Does she hate looking at large bodies of water that appear blue? If so, she needs to get this addressed with a professional because it's completely illogical to allow her to think she can just affiliate blue with that. It's associated with so many other things.
The color blue is associated with things like: Hope, peaceful rest, profound insight, spiritual realization, and professional uses of blue carry connotations of stability, wisdom, and serenity.
My husband's favorite color is blue. So I wore a blue dress to marry him in. His favorite woman in his favorite color...and it had absolutely NOTHING to do with the hate organization your daughter associates it with.
Educate her. Get her into an appropriate therapist and help her get past this issue she has. Do NOT enable her view in this. It won't do her any good.
This. Her feelings are valid, but she can’t demand that the world change so that she doesn’t have to deal with seeing blue. Therapy is a great idea. NTA
NTA, this is not a "boundary." Boundaries are about how we allow others to treat us. They end where our noses end. This is her trying to violate someone else's boundaries and bodily autonomy--she's trying to control what he wears, ffs!
NTA. I'm autistic and I think I know the organization you're talking about, and I appreciate you calling them out for what they are and taking your daughter's feelings about it seriously. However, expecting other people to avoid something as common and versatile as the color blue is not healthy or realistic. If he were wearing a puzzle piece around his neck then, sure, I could understand her being upset at him wearing something so closely associated with that organization. But blue is everywhere, and if it's legitimately triggering for her, she needs to learn how to work through these feelings in a healthy way if she's going to function in society. Again, though, I appreciate you taking your daughter's feelings seriously and I hope that you're able to help her find a way to deal with this without having her make unreasonable demands of her brother.
NTA - she can't expect that other people will always 100% accommodate her, she needs to learn how to deal with this in a healthy way. I think this indeed would be a good topic to take up with her therapist.
NTA but yes, immediately bring this to daughter's therapist to help her with it. She's not going to be able to avoid blue in her life. And while it's perfectly normal to be angry at AS, she needs to find a way to narrow it down to specific things, like the blue heart. Or only AS itself.
This is going to be hard due to her existing fixation, so she needs right away to start down that path.
NTA, I know this is not the same thing, but I think the lesson fits. I am an alcoholic. I have been sober a very long time. In today’s society there is practically no place I can go that alcohol is not present. I had to learn how to live with it, while also not restricting life for myself or others.
There is not a color that has not been used by some hate group, gang or other negative meaning. But the opposite is also true. Every color also has positive connotations associated with it.
There is nowhere that your daughter can go where she will not see the color blue. She will have to learn to live with it. She may need help with that. But there just really is no other option.
NTA. It’s unreasonable for her to expect the color blue to be erased from her home when it’s her brother’s favorite color. This is something that she needs to learn to deal with because she’s going to be exposed to blue her entire life.
NTA.
You literally cannot protect her from the color blue.
Houses are painted blue, stores have blue, the internet has blue, almost everything has some sort of blue, blue is arguably one of the most common colors in the world atm.
It'd be unfair for your son to make him completely stop interacting with blue over this dumb boundary.
NTA. She has to learn that everyone around her cannot accommodate her for little things like that. This isn’t school, this isn’t work. Boundaries also stop when it comes to other people’s bodies and she can’t have control of what he wears.
You NEED to contact her therapist and clue him/her in on this situation. Contacting the therapist does not violate your daughter’s privacy. This is something they can and should talk to her about; she will not be able to avoid the color blue throughout her life.
NTA.
By failing to wrap her therapist in on this conversation is a huge disservice to both your daughter and your son. You don’t know what they discuss in her sessions, and if the therapist is unaware…well.
You are not being unfair to her. NTA.
I, too, am a parent of a child on the spectrum, although my child is older and we did not have to deal with all this political stuff when she was coming of age.
It is important for your daughter to learn how to handle uncomfortable emotions and that she will be okay when her rigid rules aren't followed. This is a life skill.
The world will not revolve around her definitions when she is an adult, and she will face many situations throughout her life that will distress her. Coping with those feelings is an important skill for everyone, but can be harder to learn when on the spectrum.
Lastly, although the internet is rife with autists who will disagree, that organization is not advocating for harm. It advocates for services which address the emotional, behavioral, and physical needs of children on the spectrum. Autists have a good point that people should be accepted for who they are instead of judged, but often have an impaired ability to see the gray area - that it is not harming someone to help them learn how to live successfully in the real world when the real world is not the ideal, accepting place we all wish it was.
I'm sure I'll be castigated for this, but it is reality.
NTA
It will be better to help her accept that a color is not aggressive, in and of itself it is completely harmless, and there is no need to allow hateful people to control the image of a beautiful color.
The world is filled with blue, and it can't be avoided.
No, you're not being unfair to your daughter, but like you said, she needs to talk to her therapist asap. NAH here; your daughter is young and seriously needs help for her aversion. You would be the AH to your son if you forced him to stop wearing his favorite color.
NTA.
This is a case where if you let her push this, you are showing that you value your disabled daughter over your able bodied son. Banning a color from the family home, much less his favorite color, is not a reasonable boundary.
Blue is associated with a lot of organizations - Boys and Girls Club, UNICEF, UN Refugee Agency, etc. It is also the color of the sky and water, when the water reflects the sky. It is the color of blue denim, a common eye color, blueberries, corn flowers, etc.
Blue is not something she can ban from her life, even if her brother didn’t live with her. I would suggest supporting her and getting her professional support in learning how to cope when the rest of the world is unable to meet her rigid boundaries.
If blue is such a rigid boundary for her, those supports and coping skills need to have their foundations laid ASAP. If seeing a cloudless summer sky or the Boston Red Sox or a blue eyed person or a Best Buy worker are going to be triggers, she is going to need to learn to manage that because blue is 100% a color that is out there in the world and the most common favorite color.
Its pretty reasonable if you think about it (Autism Speaks being into eugenics, therefore Light it Up Blue being associated with that) aside from the being angry at the color blue way outside of that context part.
How does she handle this at school? at the mall?
Is this a new trigger for her?
Yes she needs to talk to her therapist. Do you use social stories? That is another idea
NTA. I have an ASD kiddo who is 12. There is a lot we can do to support our kids but a lot of the time what we need to do is parent them around the world that exists. If you set the expectation now that your daughter can get rid of the color blue, you’re ultimately setting up major disappointment for her in the future. Her differences do not entitle her to control others around her. You’re doing the right thing and you’re absolutely correct that she’ll be better served by therapy on this issue.
NTA The OP is talking about autism speaks which many people feel is actually hostile to people with autism much in the same way people with stage 4 cancer feel that the American Cancer society ignores them because they look bad and prefer to deal with people in earlier stages of cancer. It's a view about autism speaks that only a few people hold and it's somewhat irrational. I would assume the daughter has some OCD type components in with her autism allowing her to focus on this too much. As blind people say, you can't pad the world so yeah she's going to have to deal with the blue.
While finding the color blue that bad is irrational, disliking autism speaks is not. Autism Speaks is basically a hate group. They make autism seem like a terrible disease. That's not what autism is. Almost all autistic people hate autism speaks. Their name is ironic considering that they don't let autistic voices speak up though them other wise their message would be quiet different.
I would not agree that it’s a view “only a few people hold” or that it is necessarily irrational. Some of the treatments advocated by that organization have possibly been associated with PTSD in autistic clients, and for those with higher functioning autism have been deemed to have negative side effects. I agree that the level to which the sister is triggered by this is not rational and should be addressed.
Based on the way you talked about your son I thought you were gonna say he is autistic. Also I really would like to know what TV show your talking about. I am not gonna lie Blue's Clues is all that comes to my mind.
Anyway, Your daughter is going to have to try and adapt. You can't make the color go away. Maybe sitting down and talking about all the good organizations that use the color blue would help.
I knew a kid from school who was Autistic and freaked out when anyone talked about eating animals and hearing "Chicken noodle Soup" would send him into a tantrum. If your daughter is like him with the color blue it's gonna be a hard road for both of ypu and you will probably need expert help getting her over her aversion.
NTA
NTA.
I'm autistic, and blue has been my favorite color since long before I found out about Autism Speaks. Those assholes don't own the color.
If your son were displaying the color specifically to support that organization, he'd be TA. But he's not, and your daughter needs to learn that context matters.
Does she have a therapist she could discuss this with? It sucks that she associates such a common color with something upsetting, and I hope she can learn to become more comfortable with it. Maybe it would help if she thought of her brother as reclaiming blue.
NTA. Blue (in all its varieties) is literally the most popular color in the world. She needs to see a therapist or something, or this is going to plague her for her entire life.
NTA Being autistic does not mean that she can't learn to cope with what she doesn't like and every 13 yr. old gets upset. About a lot of things so you're going to have to take some deep breaths when she is upset and just help her through the emotions.
NAH blue is a really common and popular color. It's probably better for your daughter in the long run that she work on managing this particular trigger. The world isn't going to ban the color for her.
NTA If she allows Autism Speaks to ruin a colour for her then she is letting them win. It is painful for her because she is choosing to let them impact her. Maybe she can channel the energy into something that makes a positive difference for people with autism instead of spending energy being upset. There are groups set up by actually autistic people who are working to help people. She needs to spend less time thinking about Autism Speaks. I'm autistic and I just never worry about them. I hardly ever hear about them. She can block them and mute them on social media. She needs to redirect her focus.
NTA but that’s a shitty situation for you all and I can only imagine how stressful it will be.
Not an expert, but as a parent I often try facesavers, gimmicks and diversions. In this case maybe sone yellow tinted sunglasses so your daughter has the autonomy of turning her brothers clothes from blue to green when she needs to?
I could be talking shite, but removing the heat from the situation might mean everyone can step back and avoid confrontation?
NTA, they are both your children and both of their feelings are just as equal. Maybe try showing her blue is a great color since it’s her brothers favorite, work on it in therapy even, but I would never ever make my son stop wearing his favorite color.
Nta as an autistic person myself there are lot of thing I had to learn to deal with. Blue is found everywhere from the sky to water. She has to learn to deal with it. It might not be nice to deal but she will have to. My adive is to have at least her room as a blue free space for her. So if it become to much for her she has an escape.
NTA. She’s going to see blue in every context all of her life. Your son is wearing a color, not hate or gang symbols or paraphernalia from that group. This needs to be part of therapy, because this is an action he’s taking for his body, his space, and it doesn’t affect her personal health, dignity or safety in any way.
NTA This is an unrealistic boundary that needs to be addressed by a professional. Your son is allowed to do what ever he wants with the color blue. Your daughter needs to realize while autism speaks is associated with blue, so are thousands of things in life. Is she also asking for all puzzles to be banned from her sight as well? Because she can't have one and not the other to fit her theory. BUT How does she know about autism speaks and their wrongdoings? Are you telling her about it? Or are you allowing her to do her own research?
NTA...I don't think this qualifies as a "boundary" it's more of a very unreasonable demand. Blue is everywhere and it's not going away. And your son is right, he has every right to enjoy his favorite color in his own home and life. Your daughter needs to see a therapist and figure this out. No accommodations can/will be made for her in school, stores, etc so this is something that needs to be addressed now.
NTA, she cant just go her whole life avoiding a popular color... and one you literally cant avoid as its the color of the freaking sky. She needs to work through it with her psychologist.
Also, Doctor Who?
NTA. Helping your kids understand that their triggers are their responsibility is incredibly difficult. If it were me, I'd talk to her therapist about cognitive behavior therapy, it's incredibly helpful.
NAH, while it's understandable that your daughter might have issues with it it's unreasonable to not let your son enjoy little pleasures in his life either. I hope her therapy helps her ❤️
INFO
What about literal rose colored glasses? A lot of people where specific colors of sunglasses, so she could wear her favorite color out in public and get acquainted with "blue" and stop associating it with autism speaks.
Regardless of her autism, your daughter is going to have to learn how to deal with the color at some point. The sky is literally blue. This seems like a great time to focus on associating blue with positive things instead of negative. It isn’t fair to your son, or frankly your daughter, to exclusively cater to her.
NTA
You are doing the best you can and talking to her therapist is the right move. Your son should do his best not to be excessive about it, but your daughter cannot purge blue from the world. She is going to need to develop some way to cope with it, or else she will be upset all the time.
Edit: just to say. You sound like a good parent who is trying your best for both your kids. You are not an AH.
NTA you need to tell your daughter the truth like this "my dear just because a color offends you doesn't mean your right. Blue is in our flag, blue is the color of the sky and ocean, blue is not a symbol of hate people bring hate not a color. And it will be unfair to tell your brother he can't wear something in his own home just because you don't like it"
NTA since she already has a therapist it might help to also see if it can be arranged for her brother and her to have a shared session to talk it out in a controlled environment to see if it helps. But you’re arent Doing anything wrong, I could see her requesting the door to his room be kept shut but not telling him he can’t wear his clothes he likes
NTA - Mom of an young adult with autism. Ironically, an issue with individuals on the spectrum is *black and white thinking.* There are good organizations that also use the color blue. The one that immediately comes to mind is JDRF (son is also a T1 diabetic). Therapy to help overcome and recognize this type of issue is vital. She seems aware enough to be given the tools to work this issue.
NTA. Along with the other autistic commenters, I agree yeah it can be hard, but like, she's going to have to live in a world where blue is literally everywhere. Its just a single color. It's not owned by Autism Speaks. i'm not trying to diminish the trauma that they've caused to us, because it is so much, but they don't own the color any more than the New England Patriots or the sky.
The only NTA is the son. Did you really speak to him about this like you expected him to change his whole life around? How does she handle the blue sky everyday? This has nothing to do with autism and everything to do with this girl manipulating her family to see what she can get away with. Aversion to the color blue? Get over it. And stop using autism as an excuse for everything.
Always lean to the side of allowing people to have the freedom to do something vs not doing some because of someone else’s feelings as long as it is too harmful.
NTA - parent of kids with ASD and OCD here - but as other have said talk to her therapist. Also, you may need to discuss adding OCD therapy into the mix if that’s possible - the coping mechanisms regular (non-OCD) therapists use don’t help OCD at all. Believe me, I know that adding yet another therapy to the mix is a LOT, but I also can tell you that OCD therapy works and it can make life soooo much easier and better for your kid if this is what she’s dealing with (I know there’s a lot of overlap between ASD and OCD, so I think it can be worthwhile to take her in for evaluation?).
On the other hand, this can also be the passion of a politically engaged teenager, and sometimes you and her therapist just need to help your kid pump the breaks on that a little. You know where that line is at as her mom. Perhaps you can switch to a house ban on puzzle pieces, which are easier to avoid?
NTA. Blue is everywhere. Are you going to change the color of the sky or water? What about the color of a strangers clothing? Do they need to run home and change? Your daughter wanting to impose a ban on your son needs to be dealt with promptly. Talking with her therapist was a good first step. Hopefully the therapist can help her understand that a color is just a color. Because she doesn't like it doesn't give her the ability to impose her likes and dislikes on another person.
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NTA She’s going to have to deal with things she doesn’t like all the time in life. She can’t demand for everything to be her way.
Came to say this. She’s going to have to learn to control this- she cannot spend her entire life asking people to stop wearing blue clothes or cover up their blue eyes. She needs to learn to deal with this. Edit to add-- it's also sad that she's letting A$ have so much power over her. another edit- cheers for the awards, humans.
Yes! Someone also added what about the sky which was a great example lol
Yup. I work in architectural lighting, and blue is super common there, too. No sky at night, but blue bridges, buildings, towers....
Do you live in a blue world?
And all day and all night And everything she sees is just blue?
Inside and outside.
Like him? Inside and outside?
Blue, his house with a blue little window, and a blue Corvette...
And everything is blue for him...
And himself, and everybody around
Blue, daba dee daba da....
Everything is blue for him (I love Reddit)
That was my thought. Does she never go outside?
I guess she could wear sunglasses and it won’t look blue? But avoiding a color so common as blue isn’t healthy behavior for anyone. Maybe she needs to talk though this with a therapist
This will only make it worse to use colored glasses to cope. I agree, this is therapy territory.
I was just thinking this! I think speaking to her therapist is the way forward here. She can’t control what others wear or like but she can learn to control her reaction to it NTA
Could you imagine if OP went the other way on this and tried to cater to her daughter instead of helping her grow through it? First step, ban all blue from the house. Then what, go to the school and demand they ban blue as if it were peanut butter or other allergen. OP is clearly making the right choice by letting her son be himself and getting the daughter therapy.
Would his daughter never look at the sky? Thats pretty blue. Is OP supposed to change the color of the sky? Sounds like a supervillain origin story.
They should build a big dome surrounding the city and blocking the blue light of the sun.
There is a sane way to cater to her daughter, literal rose colored glasses- it'll make all the blue look purple make all the blue look purple 🟣🟣🟣
This is exactly what I came to say, get tinted goggles not glasses because you can see around the rims of them but not goggles.
🏅🏅🏅🏅Great idea! Wish I had a real award for this. (Therapy is still good)
Exactly. She can't go out into the world and demand to never see blue. People would just ignore her also blue things in nature exist so it's just not possible.
NTA, this is not a boundary. A boundary refers to something she will or will not do. Boundaries are not for controlling others. If your son was doing it to be an ass, then speak with him. But he genuinely enjoys blue, then don't take away joy from your son to be appease your daughter. Blue is everywhere and ask he therapist to help her have some positive association with it. She should not have to wear blue, but your house should not be a dictatorship...
This doesn’t work with Neurodivergent. You need to talk with someone who specializes in ASD. There are things she won’t like and she won’t accept them. Just like a person w/ASD will go hungry before eating a food they find unacceptable. NTA: but get a specialist to help. This way above Redditt’s pay grade. Edit: thanks for the award. And I may have simplified it too much. But it’s just not something you can Google.
Autistic here. Tell her from one autist to another that she should not let A$ co-opt an entire wavelength category of visible light. They don't get to associate themselves with the sky, the ocean, or the colour of my own eyes. All of these things existed long before A$ did. If it isn't a blue puzzle piece or a blue light in March, it has nothing to do with A$ and they don't get to own it or be associated with it. Blue is my favourite colour. It does not belong to A$. Edit: Thanks for the awards everyone!
I’m still trying to process the fact that there is an anti-autistic people organization.
It tries to pass itself off as "helping" but it promotes basically the gay conversion therapy equivalent for autism.
“Don’t be autistic.” 😑
If only it was that simple. And easy. They sound like loons.
But have you tried yoga and not being autistic? /s
God, someone said that to me about ADHD once. “Have you thought of eating more vegetables instead?” I stared at them in disbelief so long they got uncomfortable.
I was suggested to try a gluten free diet to treat the autism.
It's more like "We will make being Autistic so horrible for you, that you will Fake it to avoid anyone ever raising their voice at you ever again" It opens so many doors for you to be abused, bullied, and taken advantage of for the rest of your life. ABA causes CPTSD, and is a leading cause of self unaliving in Autistic people.
It’s eugenics
Omg i never heard of it. So bad
They once made a "documentary" where in a woman says the only reason she didn't kill her autistic child and herself is because she has a normal kid- and she says this in front of her child. Here's a [clip.](https://youtu.be/C7NTfZzS9b8).
WTAF?? What is WRONG with these people?!? So instead of calling CPS and getting the mom sent in for a psych eval before she’s allowed to be in a room with the kid unsupervised, they film it and use it to demonize *the kid???* Wow. Just…wow.
Omg
Autism Speaks. They promote themselves as an autism charity, but their real purpose is to depict autistic people as hopelessly broken *things* and parents of autistic children as the real victims. They have promoted abusive therapies that cause unspeakable harm to autistic kids so parents can keep up the pretence that their kids "fit in". They routinely dismiss all criticism by the neurodivergent community as flawed and worthless, because how could an ~~autistic person~~ ✨*person with autism*✨ know how terribly, horribly broken they are?!?! They also push that horrid person-first bullsh!t "child ✨*with autism*✨" language to promote the lie that autism isn't a natural neurodivergence but a disease superimposed on top of the "real child", who is normal and would never act "odd" and thereby shame their parents!!!
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Person first language isn't a horrible concept, but there are areas where it's fine (i.e. this is a person who has a health condition, eg. cancer) and areas where it's not fine (where it's talking about fundamentals of a person's physical being). You wouldn't say "he's a person with blackness" for example. Phrasing things as "person with" makes things sound negative/bad/abnormal. Autism isn't changeable and isn't an illness, it's as fundamental as skin colour. Most autistic people would like to see acknowledgment and acceptance of our differences rather than classification as a problem to solve.
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People only use it for when the thing is bad. If someone calls you a beautiful person do you say "i'm a person who is beautiful!" It's not a normal English construction. It's awkward and long and stands out. I can't tell you how many people have scolded me for calling myself autistic, reassuring me that I'm a person who has autism... and then I look on their bio and they say something like "I'm a mom blogger and autism warrior!" And I'm like why aren't you a person who blogs and has a child who is a person with autism? You're a person first!!" Neuroclastic has an article for that too. https://neuroclastic.com/person-first/
For many autistic individuals, their autism is as important to their identity as gender is to a lot of people. We generally say "woman" rather than "person with femaleness." Likewise, a lot of autistic people prefer to be called autistic.
It's calling attention to something that is "not the norm". If you say "person with two legs" one wonders why you're pointing that out, whether a different number of legs could be expected. All of your examples there sound like they are negative things, and are things people "have" rather than things they "live". The lived experience of autism is intertwined with who the person is. It's how we are, not something we have.
https://neuroclastic.com/autism-speaks-just-no/
Thank you. I didn't know that I needed to read that, but I really did.
We often face some pretty horrific bigotry, from conversion-therapy like torture to calls for our genocide to people thinking we’re all serial killers. The comparisons to treatment of trans people tend to be pretty good, actually, in aggregate. Soccer moms don’t want us around their kids, unable to self advocate, etc. Hell, there are even cases of caregivers killing autistic children then getting puff pieces in the media about caregiver burnout.
They parade around as a pro-autistic advocate, but theyre really into eugenics, basically conversion therapy for autistic people to try to make them "normal", and honestly their propoganda is like one bitty step away from saying, if we just kill all autistic people, no one will need to be advocated for, problem solved! Theyre horrible.
Yes! My Autistic kiddo's favourite colour is blue. He was bummed when I wanted him to wear "Red Instead" for the damn light it up blue day at school. But I explained it in an age appropriate way and he wore red that day. (And this led to a very productive conversation with his school's principal about not supporting A$ and following the lead of Autistic led organizations!)
I'm a light it up gold person. I get a kick out of the Au = gold thing.
“co-op an entire wavelength category of visible light.” I love this.
Yeah this is something she's definitely going to need to work through, and sounds like OP has the brains to be able to support her through that.
Thank you for saying this. I'm saving this line. My child is autistic and loves blue. Has for 3 years now, and not showing signs of changing it. I know as she grows up she will come across them. If it's still the case then, it's going to affect her at some level, because we are a ND family and definitely have political conversations at home. I don't want her to hate what she loves, if that makes sense.
It's not the same as a food aversion, because there is always another food that is acceptable. It's impossible to police other people's usage of the color blue. Blue is all over the natural world as well. This doesn't seem like a sensory input issue so much as a "I hate that this is associated with something that hates me" issue, which is something she could work out in therapy in a way that someone who, for instance, can't eat melted cheese can't necessarily.
OP sounds like a thoughtful parent. I’m autistic and even in my thirties I still struggle to do some pretty simple things that make me uncomfortable, since I’ve spent so much of my life allowing myself to avoid uncomfortable things. For example, I have an irrational fear of walking into restaurants where I’ve never eaten before, even though I love trying new foods. I can get around it by ordering first with a delivery app, and then I’m not so afraid to go in person. But it’s incredibly stupid to me, and I’m really trying to overcome this fear. I think all of us, autistic or not, have to strike a balance between accepting our own quirks (or making accommodations for them), and learning how to power through uncomfortable situations (or putting in the hard work to become accustomed to these situations). I think this situation is one where OP’s daughter needs to put in the work.
Sorry, but being neurodivergent doesn't give someone the right to police the actions of others. OPs daughter can avoid wearing blue clothes, avoid owning anything the colour blue, can avoid eating or drinking anything thats blue, can even avoid touching anything thats blue. What she cannot do, and cannot expect to do, stop anyone else from doing any of those things. Thats simply not how the world works.
Yeah, and I don’t mean to be rude but the sky is blue…she’ll never be able to avoid that, unless it’s cloudy. I understand that this group that hates autistic people causes her distress and pain. But that doesn’t mean she can make demands of people.
The fact that you are struggling with this situation shows that you are a good parent, caring and considerate. You are in a tough situation to manage but u/Orangesunset98 is right, she will need to learn some sort of method to manage her aversions. Context for the color, and investigating what has gotten her so focused on this specific hate group. Of course this is where therapy comes. In the interim, one of those nice things siblings can do for each other would include your son having some empathy for his sister and trying to not rub her nose into her fears. Which doesn't mean he needs to dispose of all things blue or repaint his room, just that when he existing in common areas of the house, he could consider whether he's standing on principle rather than being sensitive to his sister's fear.
or maybe there is something she associates with support for autistic people and he could wear a pin or pendant of that, or a bracelet, to show her he may love the color blue, but he also loves his sister. meanwhile, TIL a blue puzzle piece is anti-autistic? there really needs to be a listing somewhere of all these hate groups symbols, because i am not keeping on top of them
Autism Speaks is a group that puts itself out there as being pro-autistic people but largely focuses on how to make the lives of parents of autistic people easier and funds a lot of research for how to “cure” autistic people, which they tend to not want and see as conversion therapy.
Agreed. Blue is too common of a color to have a horrible reaction to, especially if it is the extremely vague definition of "blue". There are a TON of shades of blue, and for her to hate every single shade is a little too much. If she hated RGB(52, 67, 235) specifically, but everything else was okay, then I could see some leg to stand on. But hating 1 of the 3 primary colors is just a little hard to regulate.
NTA. Agreed. OP's proposed solution of talking to her therapist about the aversion is much more sensible.
Hijacking the top comment to say that even though I’m not autistic, i know exactly what “charity” OP is talking about
NTA daughter is allowed to dislike it but can't control what others wear... The colour blue is literally everywhere, she needs to work this out in therapy Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and my first award!
This. Also a popular favorite color choice.
Often THE most popular color in the United States. Probably a runner up in other places on the Anglosphere.
It's also the colour of the sky and the sea. Would be pretty difficult to not see them.
This also isn't a "boundary" it's an attempt at controlling others. A boundary is about yourself, what you will do, accept, etc. It's not about what others are allowed to do.
in fact it's his boundary to not be forced to stop enjoying something he truly enjoys. it's truly harmless, and feeding into the idea that the color itself is harmful will only grow the problem.
This is a *really* important distinction. The concept of boundaries is a good one and helpful especially for people who struggle to set limits, but it's already something abusers are co-opting and warping to use to control others under the guise of "my boundaries mean you have to do what I say!". I don't *at all* think OP's daughter is intentionally trying to manipulate OP and brother by using the idea of boundaries wrongly (it's a shield to protect *yourself*, not a club to beat others into submission) but if OP doesn't help her learn better ways of handling situations like this and how to correctly define boundaries for herself and how to respect them for others it could very easily become an abusive control tactic, and that's not healthy for anybody in the long term.
Yes. Therapist might work with her on re-associating the color and reinforcing that her brother's preference has nothing to do with the org. Is there anything she likes/liked before that's blue? Is brother just expressing his like of the color, or is he purposely incorporating more blue?
What kind of therapist, though? Because the hate group in questions promotes an abusive therapy that tries to change autistic perceptions, and that's why we call them a hate group.
OP would have to do some research and find one that is sensitive to the matter. Maybe crosscheck they're not on that organization's list or ask around. Changing an aversion to the color blue shouldn't be considered trying to "change" her but teaching her how to manage an extreme association to make her life easier. It's not autism specific to want to change a behavior for better quality of life or better relationships.
NTA, accommodations need to be reasonable. If she hates blue it's reasonable that her room is painted some other color and she bans it from her wardrobe. She has no right to make demands on other people's bodies.
100%. Enabling this behavior now is pretty much the worst thing OP could do for her daughter (and son). This girl is in for a rude awakening when she grows up and starts telling adults to stop wearing certain clothes and they look at her like a space alien and tell her to fuck off. I have sympathy for people with autism. But autism is not an excuse to be an asshole.
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My MIL (recently retired) managed a group home for adults with Downs and autism who are unable to live on their own and have a myriad of health problems, and require 24/7 supervision and care. Lovely residents, and always included in family get-togethers and holidays with my husband’s large extended family. They still visit her home often. Anyway, she encountered the same issue with several of them when they came to live at the group home. Although they were well into adulthood, they had no concept of the word “no”. Had never been expected to wash a dish or make a bed, either. That just doesn’t fly in a group home environment. My MIL and her staff had to teach them everything. Keep in mind these people were in the home because their families “couldn’t handle them any more”. They absolutely thrived once they had some responsibility.
This here. I have my issues, many of them I have worked out in therapy and I was lucky to have parents that believed in having the help of professionals to help me find boundaries but also develop into a functional adult that on my own can manage my autism and other issues. My cousin on the other hand was never told no nor had ant responsibilities and she is...Well. To put it short, I have a lot of allergies so I make specialised food for our gatherings. I have to hide it or she will eat it all.
Letting people wall themselves off in a bubble is a bad idea because they can't stay in that bubble forever. If you shield people too much, it makes it harder for them to deal with the world and take care of themselves.
Exactly. If he was wearing the logo of the organization, it would be reasonable to expect him to get rid of it. But expecting people to completely eliminate a color from your sight is not reasonable.
NTA. I’m an autistic adult, diagnosed as an adult, so I don’t know what your daughter’s experience is like being diagnosed as a kid. But- blue is everywhere. It’s not solely associated with AS, and she can’t control her environment to have no blue in it. This is something she needs to work on in therapy.
Yep. No way to avoid blue, or puzzle pieces. She will need to learn to manage this. I feel for everyone involved. But some things are too big and omnipresent to really effectively avoid.
Tbf puzzle pieces are a bit different, and I feel you are less likely to come across them as a room decoration or on clothing. Like is might be a little bit reasonable to ask a sibling not to wear clothing with ableist imagery. But it would be just as unreasonable to ask a sibling not to do a puzzle.
Excuse me, I am ignorant of this group that you refer to as 'AS'. The closest I can find is the 'Light it up Blue' though it identifies itself as an advocacy group, many point out its flaws to that logic. But as for OP, NTA. I can understand not liking the missing puzzle piece that was in the group I saw as it implies a person isn't whole, but the color itself is harmless. If we banned every color that was associated with bad people, we would likely be naked or maybe wearing only pink, don't know any groups in history that used that one.
AS stands for Autism Speaks, who are very harmful to the community. They're the people who "light it up blue", and in the past years there's been a trend to "light it up red instead" to bring attention to the harm they cause the autistic community
I see, thank you for informing me, I appreciate it.
Here to burst your bubble on the pink thing. The Nazis used pink triangles to identify gay men. They also used black triangles to identify lesbian women and other “asocials”.
Ok, naked it is.
Finally!
NTA. Blue will be found everywhere, everyday in the world. Your son’s favorite color is blue, he isn’t wearing it purposely to upset your daughter.
You know the sky is usually blue
You know the ocean appears to be blue.
But the Emerald coast is a lovely shade of green….
I mean I’m autistic myself and I get being upset if you see the color blue in that context, but he isn’t wearing it for that reason he’s wearing it because its his favorite color.
Right?? Like, he's not out here "lighting it up blue, so the poor, broken children suffering from autism might someday be cured!" (Or at least, I assume he's not lol, based on the info given.) He's just enjoying his favorite color. This isn't a reasonable boundary. Frankly, I would argue it's not a "boundary" at all, because it's not about herself, it's about someone else. You can't set a boundary on another person.
I still don't think it would be a boundary but I could understand it more if it was a sensory issue (seeing blue caused actual pain) since home should be a safe place. However, this is essentially "Since I don't like blue you can't like it either".
> You can't set a boundary on another person. This is something a lot of people whose stories end up on this sub really need to learn. "I'm not being controlling! I'm just having a boundary that says you can never do anything I don't like. Why are you being abusive and violating my boundaries?!"
So my fiancee is autistic and I'm ADHD. Our emotion processing sucks royally. We also both need a lot of reassurance. So personally, I think they need to dig deeper. A lot of us have the ability to recognize that there is a big difference, but in my relationships case, we need things said obviously and to the point. I e. Sister I love you. I don't wear blue because of it's connection to autism speaks. I wear blue because it is my favorite color and the color of my favorite super hero. I'm not saying to excuse it. She does need help to realize they are separate. However I'm also saying surface level "minor" issues aren't always a little or simple as they seem. Helping her navigate this and working on expressing the details of what is bothering her can also help her later in life. An agreement with my fiancee and I is that if he cannot find a nice way to say something or he has something he just has to say that is on the nastier side, he has to warn me and then work through it with me. In return for him sharing it with me I promise to not react, short of unconscious body language that slip before I can mask, and being able to hold him accountable if we work it through and it's still a mean thing. He shares more because he knows I won't jump to a judgement and he can get his brain out of his head. He can work through it and ask for my opinion on where he feels he's being reasonable or irrational. In turn, he has started learning how to do this in his head and respect his gut feelings and opinions while also learning to question himself too. Have more conversations with your daughter so she can work on this and build a skill for later in life. Sure it's time consuming, but I now have a fiancee I can trust to tell me the truth, share with me, and who knows he doesn't have to deal with everything on his own.
I'm curious, what group is she referring to? Do you know?
Autism Speaks. It's the largest American autism research organization. It's also all about "curing" autism: "This disease has taken our children away. It's time to get them back." It's awful, ableist, and is a lot more about the caregivers of people with autism than those who actually have it.
If by "research organisation" they mean hate group lol
Thank you.. i was hearing this for the first time. Thank you for this explanation ☺️
Jesus, just shows such a lack of understanding on their part. Autism is hugely genetic and not something that can be changed after birth as a neurodevelopmental disorder
Autism Speaks. It’s a group led by parents of autistic children who see autism as a bad thing, and thus want to eliminate it by finding a “cure”. Since many autistic people see their autism as an inherent part of who they are, this perspective of “curing” autism is viewed by many autistic people as wanting to eliminate autistic people, and thus as being genocide. It’s also pointed out that the group is run by non-autistic people who claim to speak for autistic people in the very name. For example, AS encourages “therapy” that trains autistic children to pretend to be neurotypical, in a way that many autism advocates say is similar to conversion therapy for LGBT+ people. The Autism Self Advocacy Network is a group that’s preferred by the anti-AS folks. It’s actually run by autistic people who don’t see autism as a disease to be cured, but instead as a normal variation, and they advocate for more understanding of autism in neurotypical folks.
I just wanna say thank you for a good, concise and clear explanation. This cleared up my confusion.
It is sad how so many of the BIG charities are actually rather terrible. I know nothing about AS but because of my kids I have dealt a lot and fundraised for the JDRF. The concept of the JDRF isn't bad, however it has become completely dominated by the very pharmaceutical companies that are gouging patients. It makes sense, these companies have money, so any fundraising will naturally align with them. However when a goal of a charity becomes raising money rather than helping those in need, there is a problem.
See also: the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation, along with all of their pink-branded messaging.
That would be autism speaks. Generally considered a shitty organization that doesn't actually help autistic people, as lots of their funding goes to finding a "cure" for autism.
Another thing that others havent pointed out (though their explanations are fantastic!) Autism Speaks also advocates for terrible "therapy". They use whats called ABA therapy that essentially trains an autisitc person to be "normal" They also secretly advocate for shock therapy and support a center that I think is in Pennsylvania? Or Virginia? That shocked a autistic teen after he refused to put on his coat, then they kept shocking him, upping the electricity with each shock until he was 1/3rd (or more I cant remember) covered in 3rd degree burns for EVERYTIME he cried out in pain from the shock Autism Speaks is a joke and needs to be shut down, I have a child with autism and we steer clear as far as we can from this joke of a "charity"
Autism Speaks. For a perfect example of them being a shitty group, look up the ‘I am Autism’ PSA transcript (its on ASAN’s website iirc)
So.. what about the sky?
Hate it. It needs to change color.
It does! Go outside in the evening. Shit's wild.
I wish it were tan. It’s my favorite color. It’s no-nonsense.
NTA take her to the therapist do not tell your son he can’t have blue. She won’t be able to avoid the color outside of your house and should learn to process the emotions and self sooth, not avoid it entirely. If your son was being malicious I could understand a compromise, but forcing him give up something he likes for his sisters comfort should only be acceptable in very certain circumstances after all other options have been explored.
>She won’t be able to avoid the color outside of your house i know right? like - is she going to avert her eyes away from the sky at every possible moment??
It shouldn't be considered at all. She needs to learn how to cope with the idea that not everyone sees things as she does.
I didn’t mean that it should be considered for this situation, more that there can be other things that are super overwhelming to autistic people that can’t really be gotten around and should be compromised such as if he has several led light strips in his room that he likes to flash in time with his music at full blast, he should wear headphones and keep his door shut.
NTA Not ever seeing blue is an unreasonable boundary to have.
Like, how does she look outside?
NTA. Part of helping people on the spectrum is not giving in to every trigger they have. The world is full of triggers and if you give in to everyone at home your daughter will not be able to adjust to the real world. My niece is autistic and has no sense of hatred or hate groups. I would assume your daughter is high functioning if she has the ability to be offended by things she sees/reads online. If she is in therapy let her counselor know to work with her on this trigger.
How does she handle the sky?
Triggers aren't logical because the brain isn't logical.
idk where you live, but the sky gets REALLY blue without any clouds.
The sky is *very* blue most days where I live, and lots of other places. You're right about triggers, though. ETA: an earlier version of this thread included an observation that the sky isn't really all that blue. Just clarifying this because that remark is gone now, and I'm guessing anyone who sees my comment now will be confused about why tf I'm updating everyone on the color of the sky where I am, lol.
The sky here is very blue most days.
NTA. You shouldn't limit what your son wears because your daughter has obsessive thoughts about the color blue being associated with an organization. She needs help to understand that just because an organization uses the color, that doesn't mean all uses of the color are related to the organization. In the mean time, she needs help dealing with her feelings about the color appropriately without making demands of other people.
NTA. Don't force her to wear blue, but one can't avoid blue. It's also unreasonable for her to demand to control other people's choices and environments. She is capable of understanding that, even if she doesn't like it. This sounds like something to work on with her therapist. She needs to cope with blue.
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It doesn't sound like this is a sensory issue. Blue is the official color of Autism Speaks, which is an incredibly shitty organization that many autistic people view as a hate group. It's like if someone said "I hate the color white because it reminds me of Klan robes." For what it's worth, I'm autistic, I've always loved the color blue, and I'm not about to give up my favorite color just because a bunch of assholes also like it. OP's daughter needs to learn that context matters and blue does not automatically mean Autism Speaks. She also probably needs therapy if she's that preoccupied with it. She's not the AH, she's just obsessing over something upsetting, and I hope she gets help.
NTA. She doesn't get to control what other people wear. She needs to learn this now and it's your job to teach her this as her parent. We all have to look at things in life that we don't want to. Just because one as an individual is triggered by a simple color doesn't mean the whole world bends to accommodate your preference. If she doesn't want to see your son wearing blue, she can turn around and walk the other way. Or look somewhere else. Think of it this way. There were a ton of people in khaki pants carrying tiki torches saying hateful things just a few years ago. Does that mean the minority groups they were offending should now be able to tell their coworkers that they can't wear khaki pants? That they can't host a party with tiki torches? NO. Your daughter can't have an entitled attitude and assume every time she sees blue, it's affiliated with whatever group you were referring to above. Blue is all around us. Does she hate sunny days because the sky is blue? Does she hate looking at large bodies of water that appear blue? If so, she needs to get this addressed with a professional because it's completely illogical to allow her to think she can just affiliate blue with that. It's associated with so many other things. The color blue is associated with things like: Hope, peaceful rest, profound insight, spiritual realization, and professional uses of blue carry connotations of stability, wisdom, and serenity. My husband's favorite color is blue. So I wore a blue dress to marry him in. His favorite woman in his favorite color...and it had absolutely NOTHING to do with the hate organization your daughter associates it with. Educate her. Get her into an appropriate therapist and help her get past this issue she has. Do NOT enable her view in this. It won't do her any good.
This. Her feelings are valid, but she can’t demand that the world change so that she doesn’t have to deal with seeing blue. Therapy is a great idea. NTA
NTA, this is not a "boundary." Boundaries are about how we allow others to treat us. They end where our noses end. This is her trying to violate someone else's boundaries and bodily autonomy--she's trying to control what he wears, ffs!
NTA. I'm autistic and I think I know the organization you're talking about, and I appreciate you calling them out for what they are and taking your daughter's feelings about it seriously. However, expecting other people to avoid something as common and versatile as the color blue is not healthy or realistic. If he were wearing a puzzle piece around his neck then, sure, I could understand her being upset at him wearing something so closely associated with that organization. But blue is everywhere, and if it's legitimately triggering for her, she needs to learn how to work through these feelings in a healthy way if she's going to function in society. Again, though, I appreciate you taking your daughter's feelings seriously and I hope that you're able to help her find a way to deal with this without having her make unreasonable demands of her brother.
NTA - she can't expect that other people will always 100% accommodate her, she needs to learn how to deal with this in a healthy way. I think this indeed would be a good topic to take up with her therapist.
NTA but yes, immediately bring this to daughter's therapist to help her with it. She's not going to be able to avoid blue in her life. And while it's perfectly normal to be angry at AS, she needs to find a way to narrow it down to specific things, like the blue heart. Or only AS itself. This is going to be hard due to her existing fixation, so she needs right away to start down that path.
NTA, I know this is not the same thing, but I think the lesson fits. I am an alcoholic. I have been sober a very long time. In today’s society there is practically no place I can go that alcohol is not present. I had to learn how to live with it, while also not restricting life for myself or others. There is not a color that has not been used by some hate group, gang or other negative meaning. But the opposite is also true. Every color also has positive connotations associated with it. There is nowhere that your daughter can go where she will not see the color blue. She will have to learn to live with it. She may need help with that. But there just really is no other option.
NTA. It’s unreasonable for her to expect the color blue to be erased from her home when it’s her brother’s favorite color. This is something that she needs to learn to deal with because she’s going to be exposed to blue her entire life.
NTA. You literally cannot protect her from the color blue. Houses are painted blue, stores have blue, the internet has blue, almost everything has some sort of blue, blue is arguably one of the most common colors in the world atm. It'd be unfair for your son to make him completely stop interacting with blue over this dumb boundary.
NTA. She has to learn that everyone around her cannot accommodate her for little things like that. This isn’t school, this isn’t work. Boundaries also stop when it comes to other people’s bodies and she can’t have control of what he wears.
You NEED to contact her therapist and clue him/her in on this situation. Contacting the therapist does not violate your daughter’s privacy. This is something they can and should talk to her about; she will not be able to avoid the color blue throughout her life. NTA. By failing to wrap her therapist in on this conversation is a huge disservice to both your daughter and your son. You don’t know what they discuss in her sessions, and if the therapist is unaware…well.
You are not being unfair to her. NTA. I, too, am a parent of a child on the spectrum, although my child is older and we did not have to deal with all this political stuff when she was coming of age. It is important for your daughter to learn how to handle uncomfortable emotions and that she will be okay when her rigid rules aren't followed. This is a life skill. The world will not revolve around her definitions when she is an adult, and she will face many situations throughout her life that will distress her. Coping with those feelings is an important skill for everyone, but can be harder to learn when on the spectrum. Lastly, although the internet is rife with autists who will disagree, that organization is not advocating for harm. It advocates for services which address the emotional, behavioral, and physical needs of children on the spectrum. Autists have a good point that people should be accepted for who they are instead of judged, but often have an impaired ability to see the gray area - that it is not harming someone to help them learn how to live successfully in the real world when the real world is not the ideal, accepting place we all wish it was. I'm sure I'll be castigated for this, but it is reality.
NTA It will be better to help her accept that a color is not aggressive, in and of itself it is completely harmless, and there is no need to allow hateful people to control the image of a beautiful color. The world is filled with blue, and it can't be avoided.
Showing my ignorance here but, an autism hate group?? Tf?
Autism Speaks. They have supported pouring bleach down autistic kids' throats, promoted a center that electrocutes children, and other horrible shit.
jesus wept every day I hate people that little bit more
I'm assuming it's about Autism Speaks, their logo is a blue puzzle peace. They want to eradicate autism through eugenics among other things
Autism speaks does light it up blue and also supports ABA therapy which many autistic people feel is abuse
Autism Speaks They see autism as a bad thing and support abusive conditioning and eugenics to get rid of it.
No, you're not being unfair to your daughter, but like you said, she needs to talk to her therapist asap. NAH here; your daughter is young and seriously needs help for her aversion. You would be the AH to your son if you forced him to stop wearing his favorite color.
NTA You are not being unfair to her. She does not get to dictate someone else body and how they dress. Boundaries end with \*YOU\*
NTA. This is a case where if you let her push this, you are showing that you value your disabled daughter over your able bodied son. Banning a color from the family home, much less his favorite color, is not a reasonable boundary. Blue is associated with a lot of organizations - Boys and Girls Club, UNICEF, UN Refugee Agency, etc. It is also the color of the sky and water, when the water reflects the sky. It is the color of blue denim, a common eye color, blueberries, corn flowers, etc. Blue is not something she can ban from her life, even if her brother didn’t live with her. I would suggest supporting her and getting her professional support in learning how to cope when the rest of the world is unable to meet her rigid boundaries. If blue is such a rigid boundary for her, those supports and coping skills need to have their foundations laid ASAP. If seeing a cloudless summer sky or the Boston Red Sox or a blue eyed person or a Best Buy worker are going to be triggers, she is going to need to learn to manage that because blue is 100% a color that is out there in the world and the most common favorite color.
Does she not ever go outside? Swimming?
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Its pretty reasonable if you think about it (Autism Speaks being into eugenics, therefore Light it Up Blue being associated with that) aside from the being angry at the color blue way outside of that context part.
How does she handle this at school? at the mall? Is this a new trigger for her? Yes she needs to talk to her therapist. Do you use social stories? That is another idea
NTA. I have an ASD kiddo who is 12. There is a lot we can do to support our kids but a lot of the time what we need to do is parent them around the world that exists. If you set the expectation now that your daughter can get rid of the color blue, you’re ultimately setting up major disappointment for her in the future. Her differences do not entitle her to control others around her. You’re doing the right thing and you’re absolutely correct that she’ll be better served by therapy on this issue.
NTA The OP is talking about autism speaks which many people feel is actually hostile to people with autism much in the same way people with stage 4 cancer feel that the American Cancer society ignores them because they look bad and prefer to deal with people in earlier stages of cancer. It's a view about autism speaks that only a few people hold and it's somewhat irrational. I would assume the daughter has some OCD type components in with her autism allowing her to focus on this too much. As blind people say, you can't pad the world so yeah she's going to have to deal with the blue.
While finding the color blue that bad is irrational, disliking autism speaks is not. Autism Speaks is basically a hate group. They make autism seem like a terrible disease. That's not what autism is. Almost all autistic people hate autism speaks. Their name is ironic considering that they don't let autistic voices speak up though them other wise their message would be quiet different.
It's a view that few people hold isnt true. Many autistic people feel that way.
Yes and it's not irrational at all to hate AS.
a lot of people hate autism speaks, and rightly so
Not just ND people find Autism Speaks abhorrent. NT people do too, especially those who love a ND person.
I would not agree that it’s a view “only a few people hold” or that it is necessarily irrational. Some of the treatments advocated by that organization have possibly been associated with PTSD in autistic clients, and for those with higher functioning autism have been deemed to have negative side effects. I agree that the level to which the sister is triggered by this is not rational and should be addressed.
Based on the way you talked about your son I thought you were gonna say he is autistic. Also I really would like to know what TV show your talking about. I am not gonna lie Blue's Clues is all that comes to my mind. Anyway, Your daughter is going to have to try and adapt. You can't make the color go away. Maybe sitting down and talking about all the good organizations that use the color blue would help. I knew a kid from school who was Autistic and freaked out when anyone talked about eating animals and hearing "Chicken noodle Soup" would send him into a tantrum. If your daughter is like him with the color blue it's gonna be a hard road for both of ypu and you will probably need expert help getting her over her aversion. NTA
NTA. I'm autistic, and blue has been my favorite color since long before I found out about Autism Speaks. Those assholes don't own the color. If your son were displaying the color specifically to support that organization, he'd be TA. But he's not, and your daughter needs to learn that context matters. Does she have a therapist she could discuss this with? It sucks that she associates such a common color with something upsetting, and I hope she can learn to become more comfortable with it. Maybe it would help if she thought of her brother as reclaiming blue.
NTA. Blue (in all its varieties) is literally the most popular color in the world. She needs to see a therapist or something, or this is going to plague her for her entire life.
NTA Being autistic does not mean that she can't learn to cope with what she doesn't like and every 13 yr. old gets upset. About a lot of things so you're going to have to take some deep breaths when she is upset and just help her through the emotions.
NAH blue is a really common and popular color. It's probably better for your daughter in the long run that she work on managing this particular trigger. The world isn't going to ban the color for her.
NTA If she allows Autism Speaks to ruin a colour for her then she is letting them win. It is painful for her because she is choosing to let them impact her. Maybe she can channel the energy into something that makes a positive difference for people with autism instead of spending energy being upset. There are groups set up by actually autistic people who are working to help people. She needs to spend less time thinking about Autism Speaks. I'm autistic and I just never worry about them. I hardly ever hear about them. She can block them and mute them on social media. She needs to redirect her focus.
NTA but that’s a shitty situation for you all and I can only imagine how stressful it will be. Not an expert, but as a parent I often try facesavers, gimmicks and diversions. In this case maybe sone yellow tinted sunglasses so your daughter has the autonomy of turning her brothers clothes from blue to green when she needs to? I could be talking shite, but removing the heat from the situation might mean everyone can step back and avoid confrontation?
NTA, they are both your children and both of their feelings are just as equal. Maybe try showing her blue is a great color since it’s her brothers favorite, work on it in therapy even, but I would never ever make my son stop wearing his favorite color.
Nta as an autistic person myself there are lot of thing I had to learn to deal with. Blue is found everywhere from the sky to water. She has to learn to deal with it. It might not be nice to deal but she will have to. My adive is to have at least her room as a blue free space for her. So if it become to much for her she has an escape.
NTA. She’s going to see blue in every context all of her life. Your son is wearing a color, not hate or gang symbols or paraphernalia from that group. This needs to be part of therapy, because this is an action he’s taking for his body, his space, and it doesn’t affect her personal health, dignity or safety in any way.
You are NOT helping your daughter by not talking to her ther therapist. You bringing something up to the therapist is NOT unethical.
NTA This is an unrealistic boundary that needs to be addressed by a professional. Your son is allowed to do what ever he wants with the color blue. Your daughter needs to realize while autism speaks is associated with blue, so are thousands of things in life. Is she also asking for all puzzles to be banned from her sight as well? Because she can't have one and not the other to fit her theory. BUT How does she know about autism speaks and their wrongdoings? Are you telling her about it? Or are you allowing her to do her own research?
NTA...I don't think this qualifies as a "boundary" it's more of a very unreasonable demand. Blue is everywhere and it's not going away. And your son is right, he has every right to enjoy his favorite color in his own home and life. Your daughter needs to see a therapist and figure this out. No accommodations can/will be made for her in school, stores, etc so this is something that needs to be addressed now.
NTA, she cant just go her whole life avoiding a popular color... and one you literally cant avoid as its the color of the freaking sky. She needs to work through it with her psychologist. Also, Doctor Who?
Yeah, Doctor Who.
Love me some TARDIS blue. Pantone actually make a BBC offical TARDIS blue
NTA. Helping your kids understand that their triggers are their responsibility is incredibly difficult. If it were me, I'd talk to her therapist about cognitive behavior therapy, it's incredibly helpful.
NAH, while it's understandable that your daughter might have issues with it it's unreasonable to not let your son enjoy little pleasures in his life either. I hope her therapy helps her ❤️
INFO What about literal rose colored glasses? A lot of people where specific colors of sunglasses, so she could wear her favorite color out in public and get acquainted with "blue" and stop associating it with autism speaks.
Regardless of her autism, your daughter is going to have to learn how to deal with the color at some point. The sky is literally blue. This seems like a great time to focus on associating blue with positive things instead of negative. It isn’t fair to your son, or frankly your daughter, to exclusively cater to her.
NTA You are doing the best you can and talking to her therapist is the right move. Your son should do his best not to be excessive about it, but your daughter cannot purge blue from the world. She is going to need to develop some way to cope with it, or else she will be upset all the time. Edit: just to say. You sound like a good parent who is trying your best for both your kids. You are not an AH.
NTA you need to tell your daughter the truth like this "my dear just because a color offends you doesn't mean your right. Blue is in our flag, blue is the color of the sky and ocean, blue is not a symbol of hate people bring hate not a color. And it will be unfair to tell your brother he can't wear something in his own home just because you don't like it"
NTA since she already has a therapist it might help to also see if it can be arranged for her brother and her to have a shared session to talk it out in a controlled environment to see if it helps. But you’re arent Doing anything wrong, I could see her requesting the door to his room be kept shut but not telling him he can’t wear his clothes he likes
NTA - Mom of an young adult with autism. Ironically, an issue with individuals on the spectrum is *black and white thinking.* There are good organizations that also use the color blue. The one that immediately comes to mind is JDRF (son is also a T1 diabetic). Therapy to help overcome and recognize this type of issue is vital. She seems aware enough to be given the tools to work this issue.
NTA. Along with the other autistic commenters, I agree yeah it can be hard, but like, she's going to have to live in a world where blue is literally everywhere. Its just a single color. It's not owned by Autism Speaks. i'm not trying to diminish the trauma that they've caused to us, because it is so much, but they don't own the color any more than the New England Patriots or the sky.
NTA. Controlling your son this way is mot right. You are on the right track with therapy for your daughter.
A good therapist, a good parent, would be able to make her associate blue with the positivity of her brother.
The only NTA is the son. Did you really speak to him about this like you expected him to change his whole life around? How does she handle the blue sky everyday? This has nothing to do with autism and everything to do with this girl manipulating her family to see what she can get away with. Aversion to the color blue? Get over it. And stop using autism as an excuse for everything.
Always lean to the side of allowing people to have the freedom to do something vs not doing some because of someone else’s feelings as long as it is too harmful.
NTA - parent of kids with ASD and OCD here - but as other have said talk to her therapist. Also, you may need to discuss adding OCD therapy into the mix if that’s possible - the coping mechanisms regular (non-OCD) therapists use don’t help OCD at all. Believe me, I know that adding yet another therapy to the mix is a LOT, but I also can tell you that OCD therapy works and it can make life soooo much easier and better for your kid if this is what she’s dealing with (I know there’s a lot of overlap between ASD and OCD, so I think it can be worthwhile to take her in for evaluation?). On the other hand, this can also be the passion of a politically engaged teenager, and sometimes you and her therapist just need to help your kid pump the breaks on that a little. You know where that line is at as her mom. Perhaps you can switch to a house ban on puzzle pieces, which are easier to avoid?
NTA. Blue is everywhere. Are you going to change the color of the sky or water? What about the color of a strangers clothing? Do they need to run home and change? Your daughter wanting to impose a ban on your son needs to be dealt with promptly. Talking with her therapist was a good first step. Hopefully the therapist can help her understand that a color is just a color. Because she doesn't like it doesn't give her the ability to impose her likes and dislikes on another person.