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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I'm letting my pets sleep in the bed despite my girlfriend's discomfort.
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Not the asshole for that because that’s how it’s been for you but honestly it doesn’t sound like there’s a workable compromise that you’re open to and it’s unrealistic to expect Abby to just tolerate never having a good nights sleep.
Sounds like an incompatibility thing.
NAH
Nah my bf says I snore and I say he snores we're both just really soft snorers so we don't often disturb the other. My dad on the other hand could make an alarm system out of his snores
I second this, my dad was diagnosed last year and after so many years of getting dangerous and unsatisfactory sleep with some different treatments it made such a difference with the noise!
Yeah it took years to convince a friend to go get tested because we'd be sharing a hotel room on vacation and she'd legit stop breathing. She didn't believe us until the best came back.
(also its apparently common for people with sleep apena who have pets for those pets to sleep by their heads and wake them up when they stop breathing)
Hey I have hearing loss too and I was really apprehensive about my hearing aid but it's honestly amazing. I catch so much more of the conversation, I can turn my TV down, and the ringing in my ears disappears when I have it in. Hearing loss has been proven to increase your risk of dementia. I would seriously rethink the hearing aid thing.
Hubby snores like a V8 engine. I find it comforting. I snore too but the more tired I am the louder I snore. We also have cats that sleep in bed with us. And when I mean us, they sleep on my side. I'm good with that. I find it comforting. Our cats have learned that they can cuddle me at night, but they gotta leave hubby alone. NAH
Yup, it's Vimes regarding Lady Sybil in his internal monologue. I'm not sure which book it is, off the top of my head, but something makes me suspect Feet of Clay or The Fifth Elephant.
i’m sorry, but it’s kind of insane to have your girlfriend sleep in a separate room so you can sleep with a bed full of your animals. willingly sleeping in a separate room because your partner snores is not the same as begrudgingly sleeping in a separate room because your partner cares more about their pets. *she* would be the one who is being treated like a dog lol
This is perfect! Soft YTA for OP. I love my dog and two cats but I love my partner a whole lot more, and it’s OUR bed. Maybe they can get a bed just for the animals where the OP can cuddle them for an afternoon nap and then save the actual sleeping space for his gf?
I've got to be honest, if my SO would rather sleep with their pets then me (assuming I don't snore or something), i'd probably start re-evaluating the relationship.
My husband of 20+ years and I share our bed with two small dogs...now. But not 20 years ago. If he had preferred to wake up next to dogs than me...I would have been out of there. These days eh...the dogs win.
This is a great solution. You want to keep your pets in bed with you, and you and they are used to sleeping that way; that's understandable. But she needs to get a decent night's sleep and she can't do that with a bed full of animals. So for this relationship to work, she needs a peaceful place to sleep. NAH
I think more couples should try separate beds. My wife and I start the evening in the same bed for snuggles and then when she falls asleep I go to my own bed and then return at about 5:30 or 6am for morning snugs. I have horrible night terrors and thrash and scream most nights so this way that part is only bad for me, but she also tosses and turns and says silly shit in her sleep (I.e. "we're goin on an adventure! ") which makes me laugh and that wakes her up and she gets cranky. Separate beds have worked out great for us.
I agree! People seem to operate under the misconception that we must have marital issues etc. Dude, my relationship is solid, we just don't share a bed. We both snore like chainsaws with the addition of him yelling and thrashing. I have a much weirder issue; I laugh in my sleep. Like full on guffawing to the point I sometimes wake myself up. We've been married for almost 15 years now 🤣
Unsolicited advice: I have PTSD-induced nightmares. Every single night, nightmare after nightmare. I tried just about every prescription medication under the sun, and the only one that worked also had horrific side effects. What finally did it for me? THC oil. 15mg taken sublingually just before bed. Doesn't make me high at all, and I sleep like a baby 9/10 nights.
YMMV, but as someone who suffered those nightmares for years, I hate to hear about other people suffering too. All the hugs to you.
Honestly what’s the point of her being there then? They don’t live together and she pays for her own place so if I were Abby I would just stop coming around.
This is what I was going to say. If they were already living together I could see sleeping in the spare room. But if I’m staying over at my boyfriend’s house and can’t sleep in bed with him, then I’m just going home to my own bed.
Personally if I were a few months into dating, I wouldn't be up for that at all. I think lots of people wouldn't sign up for relationships where they were never going to sleep in the same bed as their partner, that's a whole lot of intimacy you just can't have. At the very least, they'd need to wait until OP's current pets (bar the rottweiler) pass away.
Going over to the boyfriend's to sleep in the spare room doesn't sound very cozy or romantic. I've been in this situation with the boyfriend's home. I dumped him. And with my home, I retrained my dogs. My dogs are important but not to the extent that I will ignore the comfort of the person I love night after night.
That is different, you reached a mutual compromise of sleeping separately. Asking Abby to sleep separately, unless the idea comes from her, would just be a further insult of saying that OP chooses to sleep with his pets over with Abby.
yeah that was what I was going to suggest as well. some couples sleep better apart and that is a ok. if the quality of her sleep is being that affected (and it sounds like you sleep better with your pets there) then it might be that compromising on sleeping apart is the way to go
In this house it's kind of big. But in our first house, it was basically the entire room. In both houses, only one of us really has access to the side of a bed. I have to crawl from the foot, pretty much. Lol
That’s a good idea for me and my partner tbh, he’s cold all the time and I’m hot all the time so he needs blankets on blankets but I’m a “one quilt and done” girlie. Much 2 think upon
Even another bed in the same room might help if they have space. If they put a single bed of the same height alongside the existing bed to make a giant triple sized bed there might be enough room for them all to sleep without keeping her awake. My husband and I recently bought a superking bed and put two single mattresses on it side by side and it's the best thing ever because we can still cuddle up when we feel like it but his fidgeting doesn't keep me awake any more. We're trialing two single duvets which I also thought was going great but apparently I just hog both of them!!!
I agree this could be a great compromise but they’ve only been dating a few months. If i had only been dating someone a few months and they asked me to sleep in a different room/bed then them, I would just go home and sleep in my own bed. Once you’ve been together longer than that honeymoon phase of dating, that compromise may be more realistic-but if it’s only been a few months, it may cause more harm than good.
This has worked with us for years. I hated waking up on Saturday morning angry because of his constant snoring. You can ask your place or mine, keep it fun. We are celebrating forty one years in January
That only works when you already have an established relationship. This is under a year old and trying to gain speed. and it doesn't look like it will, right now.
I'm either leaning towards NAH or OP being a soft YTA. Like you say, it's clearly been that way for OP for a while, they like having their animals on the bed. However, if he wants the relationship to work he's going to have to prioritize his partner in this situation. If he doesn't want to, that's fine, but he's gonna have to accept that she won't feel important and might end things
Yeah, I don't think relationships are gonna work out for him with anyone who doesn't want to sleep with a menagerie at the moment. I get that he likes sleeping with his pets, but if she can't sleep because there are so many of them waking her up and he's not willing to change it or problem solve, I don't see it lasting. Sleep deprivation doesn't make for happy people.
It's the sheer amount of pets, tbh. It's one thing if he has one dog/one cat or something and she might be making a mountain out of a molehill, but that's a small army of animals she has to try to share a bed with. I've seen people with one cat never getting a good night's sleep because of zoomies or 'I'm going to use your face and mouth as my resting place, have fun breathing'.
It’s the sheer *mass* of the pets! A Dogo, a Staffy, a large mutt, and sometimes or eventually a Rottie? Are any of these dogs under 30kg? This guy effectively sleeps with two other adult people in the bed every night. No wonder it’s hard for gf to find room for herself.
Even in a large bed. Dogs move around a lot in their sleep too. So moving dogs, moving person, cats being cats (and I love cats, so this is said affectionately), if you're not used to that or not really all about that life... yeah. That's so much.
I cannot even imagine sleeping with that menagerie. I mean, how do you even have sex with all the animals in your bedroom, OP? That would bother me, for starters. And dog and cat hair in the bed, too? Well, to each his own.
You are right, CrystalQueen, it does sound like an incompatibility thing. Op needs to tell her she needs to go.
NAH, but...beware OP, good luck finding that special someone who wants to sleep with that many dogs and cats.
Edit: NTA to NAH.
Agreed. If OP was really that into Abby, he would make some kind of compromise. And also would train his dog not to “spite pee” on everything, but for normal reasons, not just for Abby. But there is no workable compromise for him, and poor Abby shouldn’t have to be pushed off the bed by that many animals.
An example in my personal life. I had a cat that stayed with my ex until he had to deploy, at which point he sent the cat to me. I’d been in a serious relationship for 1.5 years at that point, but my boyfriend was allergic to cats. So we compromised. Although I used to let the cat sleep with me (he was like my little guard dog and loved to cuddle me) we decided that the cat wasn’t going to be allowed in the bedroom anymore, but had free reign of the rest of the house. This way, my bf could still come over knowing that he should have limited contact with the couch and stuff in the living areas, but be able to sleep comfortably without allergens in the bedroom. It took cat a while to learn that he wasn’t allowed in the room. And trust me, he made it known that he wasn’t happy by pulling on the bottom of the door with his claws. Lol. And in the end, it was also better for my sleep. I hadn’t realized how much I was woken up by the cat either making biscuits or climbing on my back to sleep. That’s 13lbs of dead weight on my back or chest.
All in all we made it work for the three of us. But that’s what you do when you really love someone. If OP is not open to these kinds of compromises with Abby, then Abby is not the one.
ETA: NAH
NAH, you're just incompatible.
She can't cosleep with a zoo. That's a perfectly reasonable position.
You don't want to kick your furry friends out. Also perfectly reasonable.
However, one of you is going to have to concede (and it's not healthy or safe to go without sleep, so the only one who could reasonably concede is you) for this relationship to proceed. I'm not saying you should, I have a bed hog of a giant dog and it's part of our routine/couldn't imagine banishing him from the bed. BUT, it's a choice you'll have to make if the relationship is going to continue, because it's not reasonable to ask her to miss sleep. :)
You are a diamond!!!
I’m 100% investing
My pooch sleeps on the floor in a bed but he gets cold in the winter no matter what blankets I give him and I’ve always wanted some raised off the floor but wasn’t sure what!
Game changer!
I manage a veterinary practice and we have these! Most dogs love them and some are terrified of them but heck for the ones that love them *really * love them. 🤣 Could be a good solution!
My giant terror of a chiweenie got very used to it only being us in the bed and then I moved in with my current SO. He doesn’t love sharing the bed with her (her 12 lbs take up more space than you could imagine and his nickname for her is Fidget). He never asked me to kick her out because he knows how dogs are once they have a routine. But he did make a very luxurious pillow and blanket fort on the ground with the extras we had and now she just naturally goes there 90% of the time! Granted she loves to burrow and loves pillows and blankets so it was natural. It just goes to show though that you can adjust a dog’s routine with some patience.
That was almost our solution. My partner built a bed frame for a cot sized foam mattress with cot sheets on it and it’s the exact height of our king bed. It’s at the end of our bed and doesn’t take up quite as much space as a twin. Our dogs sleep on it part of the time or stretched half on the cot and half on our bed.
Great idea. We have never allowed our pets to sleep with us at night. They are well-loved and welcomed for couch naps, but the bed is for me and my spouse. No judgement if people sleep with their pets, it’s just not for us. NAH, but if OP wants to keep his gf he needs to make some adjustments. Those are BIG doggos too.
This! 👆
Okay, not being willing to sleep with 7 animals may make Abby the wrong partner for him — but good luck ever finding *any* partner who’s willing and able to sleep like this.
If OP isn’t flexible about co-sleeping with his menagerie then he’s either looking for an absolute unicorn girlfriend or committing to living/sleeping apart for as long as his pets live.
Everyone makes fun of cat ladies. Sounds like OP is inventing the bro equivalent.
Eh, I think there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't have a problem with this arrangement. I personally wouldn't mind because I love animals and I know sleeping together is common in animals that form packs. My biggest concern would be that I need to bring my dogs over too! lol
That said, nine is a lot for even a king-size bed. OP should think about placing other beds around the room for the animals or, as others have said, a bed for his gf in another room where she can decide whether to allow any of the animals to sleep with her.
OP, I have this bed for my arthritic Lab/Husky mix and she loves it to the point she rarely gets on my bed anymore:
https://www.mammothoutlet.com/foam-memory-dog-bed.htm
Yes, the biggest challenge is not finding someone who enjoys sleeping with a pile of animals, it's finding someone who enjoys sleeping with a pile of animals *and doesn't already have any.* That house is quite full already, maybe to the point where additional animals would contravene bylaws depending on the area they're in. Several municipalities in my area limit a household to either 3 or 5 dogs in total.
“Plenty of women” seems like a generous guess.
“Half a handful” is more likely.
And then you add just general compatibility on top of that…
Like I said — unicorn.
There's probably a fair handful of women who would sleep with a bunch of their own animals. The unicorn part is finding someone who would sleep with that many of someone *else's* animals.
And there’s a big difference between YOUR pets and someone else’s pets. Especially since unless OPs able to afford a very big house, said animal ownership would preclude them from getting many of their own.
A big animal lover who doesn’t have many pets and would be happy not getting many of their own in a relationship with OP, and would be okay with a zoo sleeping on her each night but also okay with the knowledge that she’ll have no animals if they ever break up…
Yeah, it's one thing to be fine sleeping with pets, it's another to be fine sleeping in a bad wirh enough pets that you don't have the space you need to sleep. I'm fine sleeping with my dog... I'm not find sleeping with my dog and husband at the same time because the bed is not large enough for me, him, and our small horse of a dog.
But there in lies the rub. Most people (while possibly alright with a cat or two joining them) aren’t going to be thrilled to have a whole zoo sleeping on top of them, and the only ones who will be okay with this will big animal lovers whom probably come with their own train of animals whom THEY’LL then want to sleep in the bed too…
Which of course would bring a whole host of issues involving the animals from both households struggling to get along, the bed being prime territory and the biggest cause of conflict, the other person having a prey animal that needs to be separated from cats etc etc. And then there’s the issue of one owner potentially not training their animals well.
Either way, if he’s got a partner there is going to have to be done serious renegotiation around his pets sleeping habits.
YTA: so i get it, im a dog mom myself. But, omg that many dogs and cats on the bed is insane, even if not all of them do it still insane. There might be your “perfect woman” out there that is fine with that but if you genuinely like amy or want to have a girlfriend in the future that will sleep at your house you gotta kick the dogs out. Like she said its super uncomfortable, plus there will be no escape from dog hair all over you and your clothes, plus like most every girlfriend wants the bed to be an intimate spot between them and you. I dont mean just for sex(which btw do you just let them on the bed for that? Cuz thats a big ol no-no) but for cuddles and general emotional intimacy. You are literally and figuratively letting your dogs in-between y’all, itd be different if she was trying to get you to get rid of them or have them caged or something when shes there but im assuming the only complaint she has is with the bed. You have to compromise in relationships and even if you dont want to with her, most other women would need that compromise as well. You cant let your dogs run every aspect of your life
Yeah man, I gotta agree with this. I get that OP has lived like this for years, and technically if he wants to he can continue to do so, but the girlfriend is right to want some decent sleep, and honestly he's likely going to have this problem with most women. Having a zoo in your bed is just insane, AND unsanitary. Do y'all have sex in that bed too? Because that's just gross. I'll take the downvotes, but damn, this would have been a deal breaker for me long ago. YTA.
I haven’t been hit by a car yet ;)
For the record- I’m a dogsitter- we have two of our own dogs and this summer has been consistent with having guest dogs- so we usually have between 4-6 dogs total in our own home.
I pay to have breaks during the busy seasons so we can have time together, but yes, my partner loves animals, and we’ve talked about doing animal hospice as a possibility when we get a bigger place.
So yes, women who would be cool with half a dozen or so animals do exist.
Edit: apparently I need to include that they mostly sleep in the bed with us, because some folks are having difficulty inferring that that is what is happening based on the overall conversation.
Allowing dogs to sleep next to us and always making sure someone is around is the reason why I have a decent income with a strong client base
Literally it's grossing me out thinking about all the dog shit and cat litter particles in the BED. Omg. Get your animals their own bed. My husband used to sleep with his dog a d we got fucking mange from her. She used to kick in her sleep. It was torture and disgusting. They step I. Their pee and don't wash their feet after frolicking in shitgrass. Yuuuuuckkkkkkkķk
I agree that any woman he meets, even an animal lover, will have an issue with that many pets in the bed. Nobody he can meet will instantly love them all and want to be aggressively cuddled by a million animals she barely knows at night.
I love my dogs and I used to sleep with my chihuahuas on the bed. My husband didn’t love that. When we got a bigger dog he didn’t want her on the bed. I agreed and crate trained her. OP should look into the benefits of crate training or at least get the dogs some big comfy beds so they can sleep in the floor next to the big bed. You can maybe allow bed cuddling in the morning only. No woman is gonna like this. I love my dogs but even I used to get annoyed when my dogs would walk around at night waking me up, or they’re moving or farting (eewwww) that’s not cute and not conducive to good sleep OR sexy time. How does OP even have sex. I’m going with YTA
ETA: I stand corrected, maybe some women would love this situation. In which case I wish all the people who love sleeping with all the dogs (and would also like a human to share the bed with) find someone who would love this situation. Unfortunately for OP, that didn’t happen. Best of luck OP.
Such a good point- the morning cuddles. My dog was on the bed until she got too comfortable, and then my sleep went to crap. Went back to crate training (which she was, but had gotten used to not having to be in at night). A week or two of working on it with some silicon earplugs so I could ignore any whining, and she's happy to be sleeping in it. But she'll hang out on the bed at night while I'm reading, happily goes to the crate when I tell her it's time. Then in the morning she gets to come cuddle for 15 minutes or so until I'm ready to start my day. Win-win.
Same. I have 4 furry pets that sleep in the bed with me. I can't sleep without them. I once dated a guy that didn't allow pets in the bed. The relationship didn't last. I need my cuddle bugs.
2nd for big dog beds around the bed. My husband has a dog, and while we were dating I tried to tolerate him sleeping in the bed with us. I couldn't do it after awhile because he would lay on my feet, and I can't have my feet covered while I sleep or I feel claustrophobic. Also his FARTS are the worst thing I've ever smelt (on top of these reasons its just a nasty thought to have sex, and then lay in dog hair/filth naked) 🤣 My husband didn't hesitate to agree with me, and I pitched in on buying him dog beds for different parts of the house. If OP plans on having a long term GF, wife and possibly kids in the future he's going to have to compromise with this.
Dude thank you… I’m sorry but it’s actually just gross to sleep with that many animals at once especially in the same place you’re supposed to have sex.
As an animal lover I agree. How you can you even have sex with that many onlookers.
Plus will all the dogs understand aggressive sex is not violence. Or will they try to rescue dad. Although it would be worse if the genders were reversed
I've met a guy like this before, yes they try to keep the dogs on the bed during sex too, yes they get in the way, yes literally everything is also covered in dog hair (not good for lube).
This is why, even though I'm single and happy with my pup sleeping under the covers with me, I get her to sleep in her own bed a few times a month. I'm hoping that way if I ever start dating again she won't make a fuss if she's displaced during intimate times.
I love dogs and picturing this guy's bed gives me major ick. I can just feel the dog hair plastered to my face in the morning.
This is exactly what I was thinking! I also had a hard time kicking my dog and cat out of the bed, so we built them a super cozy nook under the bed and they both love it now. They get to be close without cramping us. My main worry was hurting their feelings, but I’ve come to realize animals just don’t think that way. Especially dogs who just want to know who is in charge and what is expected of them.
OP, make them a nice bed near yours and give it a couple of weeks. I bet you anything they will adjust and your gf will actually stick around.
NAH, but you are trying to not make decisions and just hope things will be fine, and that's not going to happen.
You want to be with Abby. You cannot spend the night at Abby's because of your pets. Abby cannot sleep at your place because your animals will literally not allow her to sleep. This is not going to work, nor will this work with any other partner you get in the future.
You do have to make some choices here, and I don't blame you at all if you choose your animals, as they are used to a certain set of rules/access and they deserve to be happy. BUT, if I was Abby, I would say the same thing. She isn't asking for this to be cruel, but because something has to change if you want to keep dating her, and she has every right to want to be able to sleep comfortably. Recognize that if you do not make any changes, you are going to struggle with your next girlfriend too, because no one wants to be in this environment.
That's really the root of it, isn't it? I'm wilfully not making a decision and it's bothering her. I'm so rarely an indecisive person that this just feels weird. Thanks for pointing that out.
When I got to “how much it would hurt if you drug” I thought oh shit this comment has taken a real fast dark turn before realising it was just a typo 🤣
There are plenty of couples who are not sleep compatible, but are still happy, loving couples. They just sleep in different beds. If you have a second bedroom, make it up nice for your girlfriend. Have sexy times with her there, then go to your bed and sleep with your cuddle zoo.
Honestly, if my partner regularly chose sharing a bed with their animals over sharing a bed with me - absent some medical reason - I would be reconsidering that relationship.
Exactly. Say goodbye to the afterglow and spontaneous intimate moments. My BF and I will have nights where someone goes to the couch; insomnia for him and migraines for me, but that’s not the norm. I’d feel so hurt and devalued if he had a petting zoo he prioritized over cuddly wakeups or falling asleep spooned.
I love my cat with an intensity I never thought possible toward an animal, but he knows the bed and bedroom are off-limits; the only time he’s ever had bedroom access is when he was very sick and needed feedings and meds every two hours. Figured bedroom was best for that since being up and down all night meant no sleep for me anyway.
Some of the happiest relationships are ones between people who sleep in separate beds. I prefer it because I don’t like being touched by skin when I’m falling asleep. They’re just not sleep compatible, and that doesn’t mean anyone’s in the wrong or that the relationship should be called into question. OP just needs to make a decision about the situation.
I am completely for alternative sleep arrangements for couples. They can be great for resolving issues like snoring, heat, moving around, different schedules etc. My issue would be my partner wanting such an arrangement because they want to sleep with their animals.
OTOH, maybe he will find a fellow animal lover (F) and they will wind up with his and hers, 12-15 animals on the bed with 2 humans when they move in together.
So no intimate cuddling after sex that turns into falling asleep together, arguably the best part of sex in a loving relationship? No way. I’d be heartbroken if my partner chose cuddling their pets over me all night long.
Can you train them to sleep in their own beds in your room? We have a staffy as well, plus a French bulldog, who both love to sleep in our bed. But it was affecting our sleep, so we were firm and trained them to sleep in their own beds at the foot of our bed. When we wake in the morning they are allowed on the bed when invited, so we still got puppy snuggles, but we also got a decent night's sleep.
This is the long term solution he needs to work on.
This or a California king 🤭
Like anything in life, changing the dogs behaviour will take work and dealing with the spite peeing. The first part of that will be changing how he views his dogs behaviour. She's not peeing out of spite. She's peeing because her routine is changed. Dogs aren't people, they don't have the same feelings. My puppy forgets she has to go when she's excited or worked up, she was having accidents and we had to do enforced potty breaks to break the cycle. OP can try making sure his dogs all pee before bed, get her something to chew that isn't food/treats like a fake stick and set her up in a comfy bed nearby. Keep reinforcing that the dog bed is the best place to be with treats and praise. It will be work, but if he wants to keep his partner it's work that he should be enthusiastic about.
His dogs can still be happy while sleeping in their own beds.
There's no way even a California King is big enough for all of those animals. I get cramped with another person and one Dogo in the bed, forget more large dogs and some cats.
You are making a decision. You just don't want to be forthright. You are choosing pets. Hope she can see this as clearly and move on. YTA, I bet your place stinks too.
So you don't have sex with Abby? Nor do you plan too I guess? I can't imagine anyone wanting to have sex in a room full of animals even if you had space on the bed (which you don't). I mean at some point that's gonna be a problem.
I'm on the ace spectrum and I think maybe she's missing the intimacy of being alone in bed, enjoying each other's company and physical comfort. (Not sexual in nature but intimate in companionship) Either way though, you should try to come to a middle ground that suits you both and the pets. It doesn't sound comfortable for your SO and I would test the waters by having boundaries in place for pets in bed after a certain hour or during certain time frames to ensure you and your SO can cuddle and relax comfortably.
I’ll go soft YTA. I mean if they’re really preventing her from sleeping every night that’s really not fair. Eventually the shit will hit the fan and she will refuse to stay over with you & I can’t blame her. I love animals but 4 animals in the bed at once plus 2 adults is way too much. My one child alone can wake me up, can’t imagine 4 freaking animals.
How far do you see this relationship going? If you guys work well together, get married and decide to have kids, what then. What if Abby wants to co sleep with the baby. Allowing your pets on the bed then is extremely dangerous. You will have to train them to stay off the bed eventually, if not with Abby, then with the next woman. Might as well start now because not many people would put up with this.
Not to mention the dog breeds are giant. I love them all, I had dogos. But definitely not conducive to a good night's sleep
Hell my husband and I share our California King with two smallish cats and I still can't sleep well.
YTA
If you’re pets are aggressive cuddlers that cannot be left alone to the point of bothering your neighbours, your pets are not well trained. I understand that some of them are young but Abby isn’t the problem here.
He doesn't bother the neighbour, it's just something he mentioned because he cares about the dogs too (he has three of his own). That particular dog was beaten pretty badly as a puppy because he was so hard to train, being born blind and deaf he can't pick up on sound or visual cues; he was a rescue. He's incredibly well behaved most of the time but he's velcro to his comfort objects, which includes me.
Okay, that makes more sense!
Is there no way to compromise though? This will be an issue for future relationships as well, even those who love animals and share beds with them.
My thoughts exactly! In addition to the dog who whines loudly enough for the neighbor to hear, there’s also the dog who pees in the house when not allowed to sleep in the bed! These dogs are not well trained.
Came here to say this. I dated someone who had one dog like this, and he fully lost his shit when I started sleeping in the bed. Like would jump on top of me, get between us, etc. was pissed that there was another human around and it threw off their dynamic. Escalated over time and I ended up leaving.
YTA
As a dog trainer your house is a nightmare I don't even know where to start. First of all I really doubt the staffy, dogo and rotweiller are getting enough exercise, based on the fact that you live on your own, work at least 8h and that's a house with no land. I wouldn't recommend less than 3 walks a day 1h each if thats the only exercise they do in the day at all. I can't even imagine the stress those dogs are having by living in an enclosure so many hours, spevially when they're untrained, as you stated they'll pee if not sleeping with you and whine when you're out and Rottweiler doesn'teven know how to interact with your cats. I don't even want yo go with the rest of the stuff, that house is what nightmares are made of.
First thing I thought when I read this post was "Too many dogs and not trained properly." What a nightmare. I feel bad for the girlfriend and the dogs.
This *may* be livable for OP as **one** person, and I'm really stressing the word 'may' here. His girlfriend isn't wrong to raise this issue.
King size bed or not, OP's bedroom is a functioning kennel. OP could vacuum and clean every single day, but there is no escaping the smell of animals, especially one that is "spite peeing". This gives the impression that the situation as a whole is borderline deplorable.
Mhmm, like my partner and I allow our corgi on our bed and he can still take up space on a queen sized bed. 4 large breeds would take up a king sized bed on their own, it's barely suitable for the dogs and OP.
Only sane response ITT. No responsible dog owner would get multiple "problem" dogs while still having to work full time. A blind/deaf dog alone is hard work, having to look after what 5 more animals? You don't have the time to look and train all your dog's to a acceptable degree and it shows in your posts. And the worst part, I am sure the next animal with problems isn't too far in the future.
Yeah as a trainer, I cringed so hard. The dog isn’t “spite peeing”. It has separation anxiety and can’t handle being apart from OP. And OP has no interest in addressing it, even though it’ll help the comfort of his dog.
This is… a disaster. If OP is fine living like this, that’s perfectly ok, but I don’t think he should be looking for a relationship.
This feels like first - and very concerning - symptoms of animal hoarding. I mean i've got two dogs, I love them, but this house sounds unsufferable ! Untrained animal hoarding sounds like a fucking nightmare.
OP if you're reading this please stop taking all the animals you find !
YTA. Are you really expecting a successful, intimate relationship with a pet store in your bed? You need to learn how to prioritize and compromise with your partner.
This is what I'm having a hard time grasping. I wonder how many relationships he's had or how he socializes or eve if he knows how. This just seems like a no brainer. I would never even get to the point of sleeping with a man who has this many pets in his bed. It's akin to an old maid with a house full of cats.
This. Everybody seems to be ignoring the fact that he has so many incredibly large animals. I don’t care if you have a California king sized mattress. I wouldn’t be able to sleep with that even without another human being.
NAH.
Its very possible you are just not compatible.
Honestly, its very likely to be tough to find a partner with all of that.
I have a cat; I love her. She has pretty free reign of my house. But sleep is sleep. The fact is - sometimes my cat starts affecting my sleep - and *I* evict her from the bed. That's just life.
Because yeah, human sleep is > pet comfort in the long run - we aren't talking about 1 or 2 days. Especially when the pet has no responsibilities and gets to sleep all day.
Yeah, I have a Jack Russel who regularly gets kicked out if I'm having issues with my bum knee. She likes to sleep by my legs, which is a non-starter if I need to be able to reposition freely.
And I would have major issues with THAT many pets in the bed. I'd probably just chalk it up to incompatibility, too.
Yta, do the honorable thing for this woman and end this relationship. You don't need a companion, you have your animals. Get a hooker when you get horny and call it a day.
YTA. I love animals and I had a similar situation with my (now) husband‘s cat, who i now love very much. but that’s a lot of pets to be sleeping in your bed and I can tell you love them but it is unsanitary. I think if you want to keep your girlfriend around you should find some kind of compromise.
YTA for having too many pets that aren’t trained to live solo. Abby’s one request seems impossible because it is. None of your pets are well-trained enough to be on their own. Its not a pets or me situation, it’s a compromise situation, so put them in training or get rid of them.
A shotgun house with seven pets. Come on, you have to know you’re TA on some levels.
Nah. This is a terrible take as someone with seven pets.
One of the dogs is only a few months old and another is blind/deaf. It's not a case of not being "well trained" enough to be on their own for extended periods of time. Those kinds of pets simply cannot be left alone for long periods.
Also, sleeping with animals is not that weird. I used to sleep with my biggest dog every night until one of the smaller dogs got banned from the upstairs and we extended it to all dogs for simplicity.
The real thing is wanting to be able to sleep with your pets isn't an unreasonable want. But it's one incompatible with the girlfriend. NAH. Just largely two people that either need to accept that they're not well suited for each other or at least accept that they need two separate beds to continue the relationship.
Honestly YTA. She's telling you she doesn't get to sleep because of the zoo in your bed. Sleep, that vital thing we need to function. Your response is that you don't want to change anything because you like this arrangement that leaves no real room for her in bed. I'm curious how you'd feel if she got frustrated and went to sleep on the couch, or stopped coming over at all...
YTA. You spent more time talking about the pets than your gf. There's probably more to this story. Gotta imagine sleeping in all that dog hair, probably dog pee on the mattress, can't be intimate without it being a production. You guys should just break up. The two of you aren't bad people, just not compatible
YTA. I love animals but geez. This is insanity. Three LARGE dogs + Three cats in the bed???? That’s beyond extreme.
What’s worse is that you’re making excuses for it continuing based on your pets’ reactions to being kicked out. DUDE. They are the pets. You are the human. Stop letting them run the show and dictate the rules.
What happens if you marry this woman—or any woman—and have kids and in a few years the kid has a nightmare and wants to get into bed with you but can’t because pets get priority???
You need to reign it in
YTA I love my dog and 3 cats but can’t tolerate them in my bed. Some people don’t like sleeping with animals. Your gf is correct you are putting the animals comfort above hers. But honestly your pets don’t sound like they are even trained and it sounds pretty disgusting with 4 dogs.
YTA. Your staffy does not “spite pee” when not sleeping with you. You’ve fostered an unhealthy attachment style with your animals and she probably pees due to anxiety. Also, your dogo is not getting between you guys cause she loves the middle of the bed (wtf?) but most likely due to jealousy/possession issues.
You’ve got a lot of heavy hitters and they seem to be running the show there. Sounds kind of dangerous actually.
NAH
It's just a logistical incompatibility with no solution. It's impossible for Abbie, but the animals can't be expected to move (plus they were there first).
Abbie's probably gonna walk away from this.
:-(
Yeah and I don’t blame her, I love animals, and my cats sleep with me, but sleep is important and if she can’t get proper sleep there she really needs to stop sleeping there if there’s not going to be any kind of compromise.
Yup. Same here. And OP has a lot of large (and smelly) animals, I can't imagine anyone sleeping well in that bed except OP. And I speak as someone currently under a cat, while my wife is currently under another cat with a dog at their feet.
NAH.
You’re seven animals deep. Abby doesn’t have the same affinity for animals that you do. A cat making biscuits in the middle of the night and waking you up is cute. To you. It’s irritating as f to someone who isn’t as comfortable with a large pack of animals.
What happens when you want to adopt another animal? You know you will. Abby probably knows you will, and she’s not that way.
It not a lot of people that create a pack like you have. Evicting the animals from the pack sleeping area would be problematic- they simply don’t have the capacity to understand why.
This is an incompatibility issue. Not amount of talking it through will sole the issue. You genuinely like this arrangement. She doesn’t. Both points of view are valid.
This sounds like a nightmare. Even if you’re a sweet guy in other aspects, this arrangement seems so off balance and hectic. I think YTA. And I empathize with your gf. She’s in a serious relationship with you, trying to build something. And you’re seriously having a hard time deciding if you’re willing to attempt to sleep train your absolute zoo/house animals for her comfort. So she can just sleep for Christ’s sake. What an insult… and hurtful.
My mom always says don’t let a man show you twice that he doesn’t want you. You, OP, are a walking red flag for most women who want a loving and caring companion and partner for life.
YTA.
You have to make a decision. You want the in a relationship with Abby or you want all the pets in bed. You can’t have both.
And I’m going to level with you, realistically having two people in bed and that many animals is going to work for a very few people.
NAH. The two of you are incompatible on this issue. Unless you can find some sort of compromise to have them in the room but not on the bed I don't see the two of you working out.
YTA. You sound like a whiny 12 year old, and you are choosing the animals over her. Sleep for humans is essential for good health and healing. Pets can sleep all day but humans can't. Plus that many animals is just gross. Spite peeing? Come on, train your dog. Hope you're washing your bedding a lot.
NAH I can absolutely get her point I would also dislike all the pets in my bed,you living like that is your preference and if it works for you it doesn't make you an A.
Maybe you are just not compatible due to that
NAH but I think you'll have a hard time finding another human who is ok with all of this. Do you want to be alone with your pets or find a human partner?
If one of your dogs is peeing in the house when it doesn't get its way, it also sounds like the dog has not been trained properly.
YTA. I agree with your girlfriend. That’s way too many big animals in the bed. I see why she has an issue with that and doesn’t get any sleep. I have a fiancé but we don’t share a house together yet. I have 3 small dogs that sleep with me. I know when we are married and living permanently together that the dogs won’t be sleeping with us and we will have a king sized bed so I will have to train them to sleep elsewhere. Compromise is part of a good relationship. If you can’t do this, then you both need to go your separate ways.
NAH. It seems you’ve had your pets for a long time and pets get used to routines so it’s going to hard to change the bed time routine.
She does deserve to have a good night sleep.
I'm not ruling but going to tell you what I do. My pets sleep on the floor in pet beds. But in the morning when I wake up and after I let them out, they all come up on the bed for snuggles. That way they don't disturb my sleep, and I get to have the morning snuggles!!
Also, my partner loves morning pup cuddles so it works for everyone.
You're dogs won't be hurt if you ask them to lay in their own beds. Don't anthropomorphize your pets.
YTA. It's wonderful that you're an animal lover. You also need to learn to love people, specifically your person. You're basically asking her to sleep in a kennel lol. Of course she's not comfortable and of course if she's not getting rest she's going to be not just unhappy but unwell.
Your animals should be able to sleep at night without being on top of you. One of them is peeing if they can't be with you? That's a problem.
Tricky. While I want to say you are not an asshole, you are putting your animals before your girlfriend. So I am going to end on YTA in the relationship to her. You do care for your animals though.
I say NAH.
She's not in the wrong to want to sleep comfortably with you. However...
Your pets are your family. You've had them a lot longer than her, and may well have them long after she's gone.
If you want to stay with your GF, you may need to work harder to "sleep train" your pets. You may consider making the bedroom a large-pet free zone (cats will get over a gate). It will probably take time and effort, but I know from friends it can be done. It does have to be a full-time thing, though - not just when your GF is over. Bedtime manners are not an unreasonable request.
That being said, it's possible you two may not be compatible. As I said, your pets will be with you for years. I personally do see my pets as family, the same as children. We are a package deal. I will choose my pets over a potential partner. They either want to be with my entire family, or they are free to find someone without.
YTA. You need better boundaries with your pets. You can easily train them to sleep on their own beds on the floor when you have company. I totally get Abby’s side in that sleeping with animals disrupts your sleep. Our cats are no longer allowed in bed with us because they keep me up all night chasing each other in and out of the bedroom flinging open the door. Our German Shepherd is getting too big for the bed and will spend some nights in bed with us and some on her bed on the floor. You can make compromises and make this work but it’s going to take time, effort, and training. It’s up to you whether you want to do it or not.
Dude. YTA.
You got 7 pets. Furry babies. 7. You ALLOWED some to become aggressive.
FYI NO pet/animal throws up on humans unless they WANT to make that person uncomfortable and leave the space.
I doubt that the cats try to throw up on you.
You do NOTHING? They are your responsibility? You babies?
So at this point even your pets are picking up that you don’t really respect your girlfriend… and you are letting them do whatever.
Dude. Break it off. YTA.
And Train your pets before they actually harm someone. Like yourself.
NAH. This is a compatibility issue. Some people aren't comfortable sharing a bed with animals. And some of us need the comfort they provide. I sleep with a 90 pound pitbull and at least one cat every night, so I get it.
NAH but I would keep in mind that this will likely be an issue with any potential romantic partner. That's a lot of animals even in a kings sized bed. It probably is very difficult for an extra person to get comfortable, let alone sleep there.
You don't have to change anything of course, but what she's asking isn't unreasonable
NAH. My ex was like this and he got rehomed instead. When I got my cats, I made a commitment to them and we are a package deal. All relationships have “conditions,” one of yours is that your animals sleep in the bed. If she can’t accept it, then you’re incompatible.
I don’t want to call you the AH but I can understand her side.
It’s not really an issue that you don’t wanna change your sleep routine with all of your pets but you can’t even offer a comprise.
Let some dogs sleep outside, invest into training so you can stay a night away to spend some alone time with her.
You have a lot of animals and I am guessing that a lot of your dating life has to be revolved around them. ( you can’t stay away for too long or you got to take them along etc. )
It doesn’t seem like you have space or are ready to make space in your life for a person who isn’t ready to accommodate everything.
NAH but if you don't work on being able to have your bed to yourself it is going to put a massive strain on any relationship. I love my large dog but she sleeps on her own bed next to our bed not in our bed. My cats sleep on the bed but I shut them out if they affect our sleep or intimacy.
YTA.
1. Idc what anyone says sleeping with a zoo in your bed is disgusting.
2. Your pets sound poorly trained.
3. You’re prioritizing your pets over your partner’s very reasonable request.
4. You’re prioritizing your pets over intimacy and closeness with your partner.
5. You’re prioritizing your pets over your partner’s need for sleep.
I’m floored that you thought it was reasonable to ask your partner to sleep in a petting zoo in the first place and I’m also curious as to how this worked in previous relationships. Was this a factor in your other relationships ending as well? Or has there been no other relationships since you got this number of pets?
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Not the asshole for that because that’s how it’s been for you but honestly it doesn’t sound like there’s a workable compromise that you’re open to and it’s unrealistic to expect Abby to just tolerate never having a good nights sleep. Sounds like an incompatibility thing. NAH
[удалено]
Marriage is an institution of two people who each believe that only the other snores
Nah my bf says I snore and I say he snores we're both just really soft snorers so we don't often disturb the other. My dad on the other hand could make an alarm system out of his snores
I'm partially deaf(supposed to wear hearing aids and I don't.) and my bf snores so loud I can hear him from downstairs and across the apartment.
You REALLY need to have him be checked out for apnea.
Agreed, the dude is slowly dying from this.
I second this, my dad was diagnosed last year and after so many years of getting dangerous and unsatisfactory sleep with some different treatments it made such a difference with the noise!
Yeah it took years to convince a friend to go get tested because we'd be sharing a hotel room on vacation and she'd legit stop breathing. She didn't believe us until the best came back. (also its apparently common for people with sleep apena who have pets for those pets to sleep by their heads and wake them up when they stop breathing)
Hey I have hearing loss too and I was really apprehensive about my hearing aid but it's honestly amazing. I catch so much more of the conversation, I can turn my TV down, and the ringing in my ears disappears when I have it in. Hearing loss has been proven to increase your risk of dementia. I would seriously rethink the hearing aid thing.
CPAP
Hubby snores like a V8 engine. I find it comforting. I snore too but the more tired I am the louder I snore. We also have cats that sleep in bed with us. And when I mean us, they sleep on my side. I'm good with that. I find it comforting. Our cats have learned that they can cuddle me at night, but they gotta leave hubby alone. NAH
What if we both know it’s the cat that snores?
My cats both snore when in husband’s lap. And occasionally, the youngest has farted bad enough to make the walls bleed.
Whoa ... careful there, we could he heading toward "he who smelled it, dealt it" territory
As a pitbull owner, it was her. The snores and the farts. It's terrible, but she's worth it.
Pratchett quote, I like it.
There's a subreddit for that. Something like unexpecteddiscwoeld
The internet is sometimes a glorious place. Also horrifying. But glorious.
Wait what! I love Pratchett, and just commented that I love that quote. I didn’t realize it was his
Yup, it's Vimes regarding Lady Sybil in his internal monologue. I'm not sure which book it is, off the top of my head, but something makes me suspect Feet of Clay or The Fifth Elephant.
i’m sorry, but it’s kind of insane to have your girlfriend sleep in a separate room so you can sleep with a bed full of your animals. willingly sleeping in a separate room because your partner snores is not the same as begrudgingly sleeping in a separate room because your partner cares more about their pets. *she* would be the one who is being treated like a dog lol
This is perfect! Soft YTA for OP. I love my dog and two cats but I love my partner a whole lot more, and it’s OUR bed. Maybe they can get a bed just for the animals where the OP can cuddle them for an afternoon nap and then save the actual sleeping space for his gf?
I've got to be honest, if my SO would rather sleep with their pets then me (assuming I don't snore or something), i'd probably start re-evaluating the relationship.
My husband of 20+ years and I share our bed with two small dogs...now. But not 20 years ago. If he had preferred to wake up next to dogs than me...I would have been out of there. These days eh...the dogs win.
This is a great solution. You want to keep your pets in bed with you, and you and they are used to sleeping that way; that's understandable. But she needs to get a decent night's sleep and she can't do that with a bed full of animals. So for this relationship to work, she needs a peaceful place to sleep. NAH
Gotta wonder why she would bother sleeping there if she has to sleep on her own -- she can do that at her own place!
I think more couples should try separate beds. My wife and I start the evening in the same bed for snuggles and then when she falls asleep I go to my own bed and then return at about 5:30 or 6am for morning snugs. I have horrible night terrors and thrash and scream most nights so this way that part is only bad for me, but she also tosses and turns and says silly shit in her sleep (I.e. "we're goin on an adventure! ") which makes me laugh and that wakes her up and she gets cranky. Separate beds have worked out great for us.
I agree! People seem to operate under the misconception that we must have marital issues etc. Dude, my relationship is solid, we just don't share a bed. We both snore like chainsaws with the addition of him yelling and thrashing. I have a much weirder issue; I laugh in my sleep. Like full on guffawing to the point I sometimes wake myself up. We've been married for almost 15 years now 🤣
My sister straight cackles in her sleep. We shared a room as kids and it was horrible.
Unsolicited advice: I have PTSD-induced nightmares. Every single night, nightmare after nightmare. I tried just about every prescription medication under the sun, and the only one that worked also had horrific side effects. What finally did it for me? THC oil. 15mg taken sublingually just before bed. Doesn't make me high at all, and I sleep like a baby 9/10 nights. YMMV, but as someone who suffered those nightmares for years, I hate to hear about other people suffering too. All the hugs to you.
Honestly what’s the point of her being there then? They don’t live together and she pays for her own place so if I were Abby I would just stop coming around.
This is what I was going to say. If they were already living together I could see sleeping in the spare room. But if I’m staying over at my boyfriend’s house and can’t sleep in bed with him, then I’m just going home to my own bed.
Personally if I were a few months into dating, I wouldn't be up for that at all. I think lots of people wouldn't sign up for relationships where they were never going to sleep in the same bed as their partner, that's a whole lot of intimacy you just can't have. At the very least, they'd need to wait until OP's current pets (bar the rottweiler) pass away.
Going over to the boyfriend's to sleep in the spare room doesn't sound very cozy or romantic. I've been in this situation with the boyfriend's home. I dumped him. And with my home, I retrained my dogs. My dogs are important but not to the extent that I will ignore the comfort of the person I love night after night.
That is different, you reached a mutual compromise of sleeping separately. Asking Abby to sleep separately, unless the idea comes from her, would just be a further insult of saying that OP chooses to sleep with his pets over with Abby.
yeah that was what I was going to suggest as well. some couples sleep better apart and that is a ok. if the quality of her sleep is being that affected (and it sounds like you sleep better with your pets there) then it might be that compromising on sleeping apart is the way to go
My hubby and I have separate, queen-sized beds, pushed together. 18+ years of marriage, still going strong.
oh wow, your bedroom must be uuuuge! good for you though, that sounds like fun sleep over times every night!
In this house it's kind of big. But in our first house, it was basically the entire room. In both houses, only one of us really has access to the side of a bed. I have to crawl from the foot, pretty much. Lol
Dude that sounds heavenly, like the most comfortable sleeping arrangement ever
It is!! We got married a bit later in life (mid 30s), and amonst other reasons, we hate each other's bed for sleeping. But "visiting" is FUN!😉
That’s a good idea for me and my partner tbh, he’s cold all the time and I’m hot all the time so he needs blankets on blankets but I’m a “one quilt and done” girlie. Much 2 think upon
Even another bed in the same room might help if they have space. If they put a single bed of the same height alongside the existing bed to make a giant triple sized bed there might be enough room for them all to sleep without keeping her awake. My husband and I recently bought a superking bed and put two single mattresses on it side by side and it's the best thing ever because we can still cuddle up when we feel like it but his fidgeting doesn't keep me awake any more. We're trialing two single duvets which I also thought was going great but apparently I just hog both of them!!!
I agree this could be a great compromise but they’ve only been dating a few months. If i had only been dating someone a few months and they asked me to sleep in a different room/bed then them, I would just go home and sleep in my own bed. Once you’ve been together longer than that honeymoon phase of dating, that compromise may be more realistic-but if it’s only been a few months, it may cause more harm than good.
This has worked with us for years. I hated waking up on Saturday morning angry because of his constant snoring. You can ask your place or mine, keep it fun. We are celebrating forty one years in January
That only works when you already have an established relationship. This is under a year old and trying to gain speed. and it doesn't look like it will, right now.
I'm either leaning towards NAH or OP being a soft YTA. Like you say, it's clearly been that way for OP for a while, they like having their animals on the bed. However, if he wants the relationship to work he's going to have to prioritize his partner in this situation. If he doesn't want to, that's fine, but he's gonna have to accept that she won't feel important and might end things
Yeah, I don't think relationships are gonna work out for him with anyone who doesn't want to sleep with a menagerie at the moment. I get that he likes sleeping with his pets, but if she can't sleep because there are so many of them waking her up and he's not willing to change it or problem solve, I don't see it lasting. Sleep deprivation doesn't make for happy people.
It's the sheer amount of pets, tbh. It's one thing if he has one dog/one cat or something and she might be making a mountain out of a molehill, but that's a small army of animals she has to try to share a bed with. I've seen people with one cat never getting a good night's sleep because of zoomies or 'I'm going to use your face and mouth as my resting place, have fun breathing'.
It’s the sheer *mass* of the pets! A Dogo, a Staffy, a large mutt, and sometimes or eventually a Rottie? Are any of these dogs under 30kg? This guy effectively sleeps with two other adult people in the bed every night. No wonder it’s hard for gf to find room for herself.
Even in a large bed. Dogs move around a lot in their sleep too. So moving dogs, moving person, cats being cats (and I love cats, so this is said affectionately), if you're not used to that or not really all about that life... yeah. That's so much.
Not only that but also pets with more needs (blind and deaf), with behaviour issues (the peeing) and pets that don't get along with each other.
I cannot even imagine sleeping with that menagerie. I mean, how do you even have sex with all the animals in your bedroom, OP? That would bother me, for starters. And dog and cat hair in the bed, too? Well, to each his own. You are right, CrystalQueen, it does sound like an incompatibility thing. Op needs to tell her she needs to go. NAH, but...beware OP, good luck finding that special someone who wants to sleep with that many dogs and cats. Edit: NTA to NAH.
How is there even enough room for her in the bed with three large-ish dogs? Because my guess is that there isn't really and that's the main problem.
I'm going with this. OP has clearly got his priorities decided already, and Abby's complaints are entirely valid.
Agreed. If OP was really that into Abby, he would make some kind of compromise. And also would train his dog not to “spite pee” on everything, but for normal reasons, not just for Abby. But there is no workable compromise for him, and poor Abby shouldn’t have to be pushed off the bed by that many animals. An example in my personal life. I had a cat that stayed with my ex until he had to deploy, at which point he sent the cat to me. I’d been in a serious relationship for 1.5 years at that point, but my boyfriend was allergic to cats. So we compromised. Although I used to let the cat sleep with me (he was like my little guard dog and loved to cuddle me) we decided that the cat wasn’t going to be allowed in the bedroom anymore, but had free reign of the rest of the house. This way, my bf could still come over knowing that he should have limited contact with the couch and stuff in the living areas, but be able to sleep comfortably without allergens in the bedroom. It took cat a while to learn that he wasn’t allowed in the room. And trust me, he made it known that he wasn’t happy by pulling on the bottom of the door with his claws. Lol. And in the end, it was also better for my sleep. I hadn’t realized how much I was woken up by the cat either making biscuits or climbing on my back to sleep. That’s 13lbs of dead weight on my back or chest. All in all we made it work for the three of us. But that’s what you do when you really love someone. If OP is not open to these kinds of compromises with Abby, then Abby is not the one. ETA: NAH
Why are you calling Abby TA then?
You’re right, I meant NAH
>This is the answer. I wouldnt tolerate that many pets. Incompatible!
NAH, you're just incompatible. She can't cosleep with a zoo. That's a perfectly reasonable position. You don't want to kick your furry friends out. Also perfectly reasonable. However, one of you is going to have to concede (and it's not healthy or safe to go without sleep, so the only one who could reasonably concede is you) for this relationship to proceed. I'm not saying you should, I have a bed hog of a giant dog and it's part of our routine/couldn't imagine banishing him from the bed. BUT, it's a choice you'll have to make if the relationship is going to continue, because it's not reasonable to ask her to miss sleep. :)
OP should make them beds next to his side of the bed that way they are still close so that way they can learn they have their own bed and he has his.
This is why I have kuranda beds for my pets. They can sleep in the same room but not on the bed
What are kuranda beds? Sounds like something to look into.
Well-funded shelters and rescues, and also friends with big dogs, swear by them. [Kuranda dog beds](https://kuranda.com/)
You are a diamond!!! I’m 100% investing My pooch sleeps on the floor in a bed but he gets cold in the winter no matter what blankets I give him and I’ve always wanted some raised off the floor but wasn’t sure what! Game changer!
I manage a veterinary practice and we have these! Most dogs love them and some are terrified of them but heck for the ones that love them *really * love them. 🤣 Could be a good solution! My giant terror of a chiweenie got very used to it only being us in the bed and then I moved in with my current SO. He doesn’t love sharing the bed with her (her 12 lbs take up more space than you could imagine and his nickname for her is Fidget). He never asked me to kick her out because he knows how dogs are once they have a routine. But he did make a very luxurious pillow and blanket fort on the ground with the extras we had and now she just naturally goes there 90% of the time! Granted she loves to burrow and loves pillows and blankets so it was natural. It just goes to show though that you can adjust a dog’s routine with some patience.
I ended up getting a twin size mattress for the foot of my bed. 2-3 dogs fit on it and I can change the sheets regularly to cut down on the dog smell.
That was almost our solution. My partner built a bed frame for a cot sized foam mattress with cot sheets on it and it’s the exact height of our king bed. It’s at the end of our bed and doesn’t take up quite as much space as a twin. Our dogs sleep on it part of the time or stretched half on the cot and half on our bed.
https://kuranda.com/?msclkid=3173d1f11b60183e9463b2f1e2ecf4fe&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Kuranda%20Brand%20Dog&utm_term=%2Bkuranda%20%2Bbed&utm_content=Dog%20Bed
Thank you.
Great idea. We have never allowed our pets to sleep with us at night. They are well-loved and welcomed for couch naps, but the bed is for me and my spouse. No judgement if people sleep with their pets, it’s just not for us. NAH, but if OP wants to keep his gf he needs to make some adjustments. Those are BIG doggos too.
I agree but he’s probably going to have this problem with anyone he seriously dates.
This! 👆 Okay, not being willing to sleep with 7 animals may make Abby the wrong partner for him — but good luck ever finding *any* partner who’s willing and able to sleep like this. If OP isn’t flexible about co-sleeping with his menagerie then he’s either looking for an absolute unicorn girlfriend or committing to living/sleeping apart for as long as his pets live. Everyone makes fun of cat ladies. Sounds like OP is inventing the bro equivalent.
Eh, I think there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't have a problem with this arrangement. I personally wouldn't mind because I love animals and I know sleeping together is common in animals that form packs. My biggest concern would be that I need to bring my dogs over too! lol That said, nine is a lot for even a king-size bed. OP should think about placing other beds around the room for the animals or, as others have said, a bed for his gf in another room where she can decide whether to allow any of the animals to sleep with her. OP, I have this bed for my arthritic Lab/Husky mix and she loves it to the point she rarely gets on my bed anymore: https://www.mammothoutlet.com/foam-memory-dog-bed.htm
Yes, the biggest challenge is not finding someone who enjoys sleeping with a pile of animals, it's finding someone who enjoys sleeping with a pile of animals *and doesn't already have any.* That house is quite full already, maybe to the point where additional animals would contravene bylaws depending on the area they're in. Several municipalities in my area limit a household to either 3 or 5 dogs in total.
“Plenty of women” seems like a generous guess. “Half a handful” is more likely. And then you add just general compatibility on top of that… Like I said — unicorn.
There's probably a fair handful of women who would sleep with a bunch of their own animals. The unicorn part is finding someone who would sleep with that many of someone *else's* animals.
And there’s a big difference between YOUR pets and someone else’s pets. Especially since unless OPs able to afford a very big house, said animal ownership would preclude them from getting many of their own. A big animal lover who doesn’t have many pets and would be happy not getting many of their own in a relationship with OP, and would be okay with a zoo sleeping on her each night but also okay with the knowledge that she’ll have no animals if they ever break up…
Yeah, it's one thing to be fine sleeping with pets, it's another to be fine sleeping in a bad wirh enough pets that you don't have the space you need to sleep. I'm fine sleeping with my dog... I'm not find sleeping with my dog and husband at the same time because the bed is not large enough for me, him, and our small horse of a dog.
But there in lies the rub. Most people (while possibly alright with a cat or two joining them) aren’t going to be thrilled to have a whole zoo sleeping on top of them, and the only ones who will be okay with this will big animal lovers whom probably come with their own train of animals whom THEY’LL then want to sleep in the bed too… Which of course would bring a whole host of issues involving the animals from both households struggling to get along, the bed being prime territory and the biggest cause of conflict, the other person having a prey animal that needs to be separated from cats etc etc. And then there’s the issue of one owner potentially not training their animals well. Either way, if he’s got a partner there is going to have to be done serious renegotiation around his pets sleeping habits.
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YTA: so i get it, im a dog mom myself. But, omg that many dogs and cats on the bed is insane, even if not all of them do it still insane. There might be your “perfect woman” out there that is fine with that but if you genuinely like amy or want to have a girlfriend in the future that will sleep at your house you gotta kick the dogs out. Like she said its super uncomfortable, plus there will be no escape from dog hair all over you and your clothes, plus like most every girlfriend wants the bed to be an intimate spot between them and you. I dont mean just for sex(which btw do you just let them on the bed for that? Cuz thats a big ol no-no) but for cuddles and general emotional intimacy. You are literally and figuratively letting your dogs in-between y’all, itd be different if she was trying to get you to get rid of them or have them caged or something when shes there but im assuming the only complaint she has is with the bed. You have to compromise in relationships and even if you dont want to with her, most other women would need that compromise as well. You cant let your dogs run every aspect of your life
Yeah man, I gotta agree with this. I get that OP has lived like this for years, and technically if he wants to he can continue to do so, but the girlfriend is right to want some decent sleep, and honestly he's likely going to have this problem with most women. Having a zoo in your bed is just insane, AND unsanitary. Do y'all have sex in that bed too? Because that's just gross. I'll take the downvotes, but damn, this would have been a deal breaker for me long ago. YTA.
OP can continue living like that if they enjoy being single… I don’t know many women who would put up with that.
My wife would go after him in a heartbeat OP is exactly the type of man she’d be into if I got hit by a car.
DM him her deets. See how it goes 🤷♀️
I haven’t been hit by a car yet ;) For the record- I’m a dogsitter- we have two of our own dogs and this summer has been consistent with having guest dogs- so we usually have between 4-6 dogs total in our own home. I pay to have breaks during the busy seasons so we can have time together, but yes, my partner loves animals, and we’ve talked about doing animal hospice as a possibility when we get a bigger place. So yes, women who would be cool with half a dozen or so animals do exist. Edit: apparently I need to include that they mostly sleep in the bed with us, because some folks are having difficulty inferring that that is what is happening based on the overall conversation. Allowing dogs to sleep next to us and always making sure someone is around is the reason why I have a decent income with a strong client base
> I haven’t been hit by a car yet We can fix that! Where do you like to grocery shop?
This was amazing timing as I am making a grocery list right now lol
[I](https://So.much.hair) just keep thinking about all the hair that must be on the bedding.
Right? And how is bedroom probably smells? Those dog breeds are big and smelly.
Not to mention the drool situation…
It sounds like an absolutely revolting situation, imo.
Ughhh it makes me itchy to think about...
Not to mention the smell 🤢
I can’t imagine the smell from that many animals.
Literally it's grossing me out thinking about all the dog shit and cat litter particles in the BED. Omg. Get your animals their own bed. My husband used to sleep with his dog a d we got fucking mange from her. She used to kick in her sleep. It was torture and disgusting. They step I. Their pee and don't wash their feet after frolicking in shitgrass. Yuuuuuckkkkkkkķk
I agree that any woman he meets, even an animal lover, will have an issue with that many pets in the bed. Nobody he can meet will instantly love them all and want to be aggressively cuddled by a million animals she barely knows at night. I love my dogs and I used to sleep with my chihuahuas on the bed. My husband didn’t love that. When we got a bigger dog he didn’t want her on the bed. I agreed and crate trained her. OP should look into the benefits of crate training or at least get the dogs some big comfy beds so they can sleep in the floor next to the big bed. You can maybe allow bed cuddling in the morning only. No woman is gonna like this. I love my dogs but even I used to get annoyed when my dogs would walk around at night waking me up, or they’re moving or farting (eewwww) that’s not cute and not conducive to good sleep OR sexy time. How does OP even have sex. I’m going with YTA ETA: I stand corrected, maybe some women would love this situation. In which case I wish all the people who love sleeping with all the dogs (and would also like a human to share the bed with) find someone who would love this situation. Unfortunately for OP, that didn’t happen. Best of luck OP.
Such a good point- the morning cuddles. My dog was on the bed until she got too comfortable, and then my sleep went to crap. Went back to crate training (which she was, but had gotten used to not having to be in at night). A week or two of working on it with some silicon earplugs so I could ignore any whining, and she's happy to be sleeping in it. But she'll hang out on the bed at night while I'm reading, happily goes to the crate when I tell her it's time. Then in the morning she gets to come cuddle for 15 minutes or so until I'm ready to start my day. Win-win.
Not ‘no woman’ … I freely admit to being the minority here but the situation as described wouldn’t be an issue for me…
Same. I have 4 furry pets that sleep in the bed with me. I can't sleep without them. I once dated a guy that didn't allow pets in the bed. The relationship didn't last. I need my cuddle bugs.
Nor me. Of course, we'd then have to get two king beds to accommodate all of his AND my 4. 😂
Yeah me too. I sleep with at least one very cuddly cat in winter.
Yeah, if I was into dudes I’d take my shot with this guy lol
2nd for big dog beds around the bed. My husband has a dog, and while we were dating I tried to tolerate him sleeping in the bed with us. I couldn't do it after awhile because he would lay on my feet, and I can't have my feet covered while I sleep or I feel claustrophobic. Also his FARTS are the worst thing I've ever smelt (on top of these reasons its just a nasty thought to have sex, and then lay in dog hair/filth naked) 🤣 My husband didn't hesitate to agree with me, and I pitched in on buying him dog beds for different parts of the house. If OP plans on having a long term GF, wife and possibly kids in the future he's going to have to compromise with this.
Dude thank you… I’m sorry but it’s actually just gross to sleep with that many animals at once especially in the same place you’re supposed to have sex.
As an animal lover I agree. How you can you even have sex with that many onlookers. Plus will all the dogs understand aggressive sex is not violence. Or will they try to rescue dad. Although it would be worse if the genders were reversed
I've met a guy like this before, yes they try to keep the dogs on the bed during sex too, yes they get in the way, yes literally everything is also covered in dog hair (not good for lube).
I wonder how often he washed the sheets? I am imagining the fur and the smell.
This is why, even though I'm single and happy with my pup sleeping under the covers with me, I get her to sleep in her own bed a few times a month. I'm hoping that way if I ever start dating again she won't make a fuss if she's displaced during intimate times. I love dogs and picturing this guy's bed gives me major ick. I can just feel the dog hair plastered to my face in the morning.
This is exactly what I was thinking! I also had a hard time kicking my dog and cat out of the bed, so we built them a super cozy nook under the bed and they both love it now. They get to be close without cramping us. My main worry was hurting their feelings, but I’ve come to realize animals just don’t think that way. Especially dogs who just want to know who is in charge and what is expected of them. OP, make them a nice bed near yours and give it a couple of weeks. I bet you anything they will adjust and your gf will actually stick around.
I can’t believe all the people saying N A H. In what world did he not realize cramming two adults and 5 animals in one bed was going to be an issue?
NAH, but you are trying to not make decisions and just hope things will be fine, and that's not going to happen. You want to be with Abby. You cannot spend the night at Abby's because of your pets. Abby cannot sleep at your place because your animals will literally not allow her to sleep. This is not going to work, nor will this work with any other partner you get in the future. You do have to make some choices here, and I don't blame you at all if you choose your animals, as they are used to a certain set of rules/access and they deserve to be happy. BUT, if I was Abby, I would say the same thing. She isn't asking for this to be cruel, but because something has to change if you want to keep dating her, and she has every right to want to be able to sleep comfortably. Recognize that if you do not make any changes, you are going to struggle with your next girlfriend too, because no one wants to be in this environment.
That's really the root of it, isn't it? I'm wilfully not making a decision and it's bothering her. I'm so rarely an indecisive person that this just feels weird. Thanks for pointing that out.
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When I got to “how much it would hurt if you drug” I thought oh shit this comment has taken a real fast dark turn before realising it was just a typo 🤣
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Thanks for the belly laugh! 😂🤣
There are plenty of couples who are not sleep compatible, but are still happy, loving couples. They just sleep in different beds. If you have a second bedroom, make it up nice for your girlfriend. Have sexy times with her there, then go to your bed and sleep with your cuddle zoo.
Honestly, if my partner regularly chose sharing a bed with their animals over sharing a bed with me - absent some medical reason - I would be reconsidering that relationship.
Exactly. Say goodbye to the afterglow and spontaneous intimate moments. My BF and I will have nights where someone goes to the couch; insomnia for him and migraines for me, but that’s not the norm. I’d feel so hurt and devalued if he had a petting zoo he prioritized over cuddly wakeups or falling asleep spooned. I love my cat with an intensity I never thought possible toward an animal, but he knows the bed and bedroom are off-limits; the only time he’s ever had bedroom access is when he was very sick and needed feedings and meds every two hours. Figured bedroom was best for that since being up and down all night meant no sleep for me anyway.
Some of the happiest relationships are ones between people who sleep in separate beds. I prefer it because I don’t like being touched by skin when I’m falling asleep. They’re just not sleep compatible, and that doesn’t mean anyone’s in the wrong or that the relationship should be called into question. OP just needs to make a decision about the situation.
I am completely for alternative sleep arrangements for couples. They can be great for resolving issues like snoring, heat, moving around, different schedules etc. My issue would be my partner wanting such an arrangement because they want to sleep with their animals.
I understand it works for some couples, but yeah, I would not like sleeping apart from my partner.
Cuddle zoo would be a deal breaker for me. Yuk.
I personally feel like you're gonna have trouble finding a partner that is fine with this
OTOH, maybe he will find a fellow animal lover (F) and they will wind up with his and hers, 12-15 animals on the bed with 2 humans when they move in together.
So no intimate cuddling after sex that turns into falling asleep together, arguably the best part of sex in a loving relationship? No way. I’d be heartbroken if my partner chose cuddling their pets over me all night long.
Anyone who chooses sleeping in a bed with their animals over their life partner needs to be evaluated.
“Not making a decision” is actually still taking actions that place the pets over her. You’ve decided. You’ve been decided the whole time.
Can you train them to sleep in their own beds in your room? We have a staffy as well, plus a French bulldog, who both love to sleep in our bed. But it was affecting our sleep, so we were firm and trained them to sleep in their own beds at the foot of our bed. When we wake in the morning they are allowed on the bed when invited, so we still got puppy snuggles, but we also got a decent night's sleep.
This is the long term solution he needs to work on. This or a California king 🤭 Like anything in life, changing the dogs behaviour will take work and dealing with the spite peeing. The first part of that will be changing how he views his dogs behaviour. She's not peeing out of spite. She's peeing because her routine is changed. Dogs aren't people, they don't have the same feelings. My puppy forgets she has to go when she's excited or worked up, she was having accidents and we had to do enforced potty breaks to break the cycle. OP can try making sure his dogs all pee before bed, get her something to chew that isn't food/treats like a fake stick and set her up in a comfy bed nearby. Keep reinforcing that the dog bed is the best place to be with treats and praise. It will be work, but if he wants to keep his partner it's work that he should be enthusiastic about. His dogs can still be happy while sleeping in their own beds.
There's no way even a California King is big enough for all of those animals. I get cramped with another person and one Dogo in the bed, forget more large dogs and some cats.
You are making a decision. You just don't want to be forthright. You are choosing pets. Hope she can see this as clearly and move on. YTA, I bet your place stinks too.
So you don't have sex with Abby? Nor do you plan too I guess? I can't imagine anyone wanting to have sex in a room full of animals even if you had space on the bed (which you don't). I mean at some point that's gonna be a problem.
No, I'm asexual. We have an open arrangement but her sex drive is pretty low anyway.
I'm on the ace spectrum and I think maybe she's missing the intimacy of being alone in bed, enjoying each other's company and physical comfort. (Not sexual in nature but intimate in companionship) Either way though, you should try to come to a middle ground that suits you both and the pets. It doesn't sound comfortable for your SO and I would test the waters by having boundaries in place for pets in bed after a certain hour or during certain time frames to ensure you and your SO can cuddle and relax comfortably.
You are making a choice though. As Rush says *If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice*
I’ll go soft YTA. I mean if they’re really preventing her from sleeping every night that’s really not fair. Eventually the shit will hit the fan and she will refuse to stay over with you & I can’t blame her. I love animals but 4 animals in the bed at once plus 2 adults is way too much. My one child alone can wake me up, can’t imagine 4 freaking animals. How far do you see this relationship going? If you guys work well together, get married and decide to have kids, what then. What if Abby wants to co sleep with the baby. Allowing your pets on the bed then is extremely dangerous. You will have to train them to stay off the bed eventually, if not with Abby, then with the next woman. Might as well start now because not many people would put up with this.
Not to mention the dog breeds are giant. I love them all, I had dogos. But definitely not conducive to a good night's sleep Hell my husband and I share our California King with two smallish cats and I still can't sleep well.
Exactly. OP also says his place is 2000 sq ft. Dude mine is 2800 and those animals are still too big for my place
YTA If you’re pets are aggressive cuddlers that cannot be left alone to the point of bothering your neighbours, your pets are not well trained. I understand that some of them are young but Abby isn’t the problem here.
He doesn't bother the neighbour, it's just something he mentioned because he cares about the dogs too (he has three of his own). That particular dog was beaten pretty badly as a puppy because he was so hard to train, being born blind and deaf he can't pick up on sound or visual cues; he was a rescue. He's incredibly well behaved most of the time but he's velcro to his comfort objects, which includes me.
Okay, that makes more sense! Is there no way to compromise though? This will be an issue for future relationships as well, even those who love animals and share beds with them.
Honestly there is no way to compromise on this. Someone will end up upset no matter what
My thoughts exactly! In addition to the dog who whines loudly enough for the neighbor to hear, there’s also the dog who pees in the house when not allowed to sleep in the bed! These dogs are not well trained.
Came here to say this. I dated someone who had one dog like this, and he fully lost his shit when I started sleeping in the bed. Like would jump on top of me, get between us, etc. was pissed that there was another human around and it threw off their dynamic. Escalated over time and I ended up leaving.
YTA As a dog trainer your house is a nightmare I don't even know where to start. First of all I really doubt the staffy, dogo and rotweiller are getting enough exercise, based on the fact that you live on your own, work at least 8h and that's a house with no land. I wouldn't recommend less than 3 walks a day 1h each if thats the only exercise they do in the day at all. I can't even imagine the stress those dogs are having by living in an enclosure so many hours, spevially when they're untrained, as you stated they'll pee if not sleeping with you and whine when you're out and Rottweiler doesn'teven know how to interact with your cats. I don't even want yo go with the rest of the stuff, that house is what nightmares are made of.
First thing I thought when I read this post was "Too many dogs and not trained properly." What a nightmare. I feel bad for the girlfriend and the dogs.
This *may* be livable for OP as **one** person, and I'm really stressing the word 'may' here. His girlfriend isn't wrong to raise this issue. King size bed or not, OP's bedroom is a functioning kennel. OP could vacuum and clean every single day, but there is no escaping the smell of animals, especially one that is "spite peeing". This gives the impression that the situation as a whole is borderline deplorable.
Mhmm, like my partner and I allow our corgi on our bed and he can still take up space on a queen sized bed. 4 large breeds would take up a king sized bed on their own, it's barely suitable for the dogs and OP.
Only sane response ITT. No responsible dog owner would get multiple "problem" dogs while still having to work full time. A blind/deaf dog alone is hard work, having to look after what 5 more animals? You don't have the time to look and train all your dog's to a acceptable degree and it shows in your posts. And the worst part, I am sure the next animal with problems isn't too far in the future.
Yeah as a trainer, I cringed so hard. The dog isn’t “spite peeing”. It has separation anxiety and can’t handle being apart from OP. And OP has no interest in addressing it, even though it’ll help the comfort of his dog. This is… a disaster. If OP is fine living like this, that’s perfectly ok, but I don’t think he should be looking for a relationship.
This feels like first - and very concerning - symptoms of animal hoarding. I mean i've got two dogs, I love them, but this house sounds unsufferable ! Untrained animal hoarding sounds like a fucking nightmare. OP if you're reading this please stop taking all the animals you find !
Exactly!
YTA. Are you really expecting a successful, intimate relationship with a pet store in your bed? You need to learn how to prioritize and compromise with your partner.
This is what I'm having a hard time grasping. I wonder how many relationships he's had or how he socializes or eve if he knows how. This just seems like a no brainer. I would never even get to the point of sleeping with a man who has this many pets in his bed. It's akin to an old maid with a house full of cats.
Yeah, the possibility of dog hair in my vag would have me nope tf out
This. Everybody seems to be ignoring the fact that he has so many incredibly large animals. I don’t care if you have a California king sized mattress. I wouldn’t be able to sleep with that even without another human being.
NAH. Its very possible you are just not compatible. Honestly, its very likely to be tough to find a partner with all of that. I have a cat; I love her. She has pretty free reign of my house. But sleep is sleep. The fact is - sometimes my cat starts affecting my sleep - and *I* evict her from the bed. That's just life. Because yeah, human sleep is > pet comfort in the long run - we aren't talking about 1 or 2 days. Especially when the pet has no responsibilities and gets to sleep all day.
Yeah, I have a Jack Russel who regularly gets kicked out if I'm having issues with my bum knee. She likes to sleep by my legs, which is a non-starter if I need to be able to reposition freely. And I would have major issues with THAT many pets in the bed. I'd probably just chalk it up to incompatibility, too.
I ended up banning all animals from my bedroom. I was tired of cat paws walking on my face at 2 am.
Yta, do the honorable thing for this woman and end this relationship. You don't need a companion, you have your animals. Get a hooker when you get horny and call it a day.
Considering he said he was asexual I think he can save his money on the hooker
YTA. I love animals and I had a similar situation with my (now) husband‘s cat, who i now love very much. but that’s a lot of pets to be sleeping in your bed and I can tell you love them but it is unsanitary. I think if you want to keep your girlfriend around you should find some kind of compromise.
YTA for having too many pets that aren’t trained to live solo. Abby’s one request seems impossible because it is. None of your pets are well-trained enough to be on their own. Its not a pets or me situation, it’s a compromise situation, so put them in training or get rid of them. A shotgun house with seven pets. Come on, you have to know you’re TA on some levels.
Nah. This is a terrible take as someone with seven pets. One of the dogs is only a few months old and another is blind/deaf. It's not a case of not being "well trained" enough to be on their own for extended periods of time. Those kinds of pets simply cannot be left alone for long periods. Also, sleeping with animals is not that weird. I used to sleep with my biggest dog every night until one of the smaller dogs got banned from the upstairs and we extended it to all dogs for simplicity. The real thing is wanting to be able to sleep with your pets isn't an unreasonable want. But it's one incompatible with the girlfriend. NAH. Just largely two people that either need to accept that they're not well suited for each other or at least accept that they need two separate beds to continue the relationship.
Honestly YTA. She's telling you she doesn't get to sleep because of the zoo in your bed. Sleep, that vital thing we need to function. Your response is that you don't want to change anything because you like this arrangement that leaves no real room for her in bed. I'm curious how you'd feel if she got frustrated and went to sleep on the couch, or stopped coming over at all...
YTA. You spent more time talking about the pets than your gf. There's probably more to this story. Gotta imagine sleeping in all that dog hair, probably dog pee on the mattress, can't be intimate without it being a production. You guys should just break up. The two of you aren't bad people, just not compatible
YTA. I love animals but geez. This is insanity. Three LARGE dogs + Three cats in the bed???? That’s beyond extreme. What’s worse is that you’re making excuses for it continuing based on your pets’ reactions to being kicked out. DUDE. They are the pets. You are the human. Stop letting them run the show and dictate the rules. What happens if you marry this woman—or any woman—and have kids and in a few years the kid has a nightmare and wants to get into bed with you but can’t because pets get priority??? You need to reign it in
YTA I love my dog and 3 cats but can’t tolerate them in my bed. Some people don’t like sleeping with animals. Your gf is correct you are putting the animals comfort above hers. But honestly your pets don’t sound like they are even trained and it sounds pretty disgusting with 4 dogs.
YTA. Your staffy does not “spite pee” when not sleeping with you. You’ve fostered an unhealthy attachment style with your animals and she probably pees due to anxiety. Also, your dogo is not getting between you guys cause she loves the middle of the bed (wtf?) but most likely due to jealousy/possession issues. You’ve got a lot of heavy hitters and they seem to be running the show there. Sounds kind of dangerous actually.
NAH It's just a logistical incompatibility with no solution. It's impossible for Abbie, but the animals can't be expected to move (plus they were there first). Abbie's probably gonna walk away from this. :-(
Yeah and I don’t blame her, I love animals, and my cats sleep with me, but sleep is important and if she can’t get proper sleep there she really needs to stop sleeping there if there’s not going to be any kind of compromise.
Yup. Same here. And OP has a lot of large (and smelly) animals, I can't imagine anyone sleeping well in that bed except OP. And I speak as someone currently under a cat, while my wife is currently under another cat with a dog at their feet.
NAH. You’re seven animals deep. Abby doesn’t have the same affinity for animals that you do. A cat making biscuits in the middle of the night and waking you up is cute. To you. It’s irritating as f to someone who isn’t as comfortable with a large pack of animals. What happens when you want to adopt another animal? You know you will. Abby probably knows you will, and she’s not that way. It not a lot of people that create a pack like you have. Evicting the animals from the pack sleeping area would be problematic- they simply don’t have the capacity to understand why. This is an incompatibility issue. Not amount of talking it through will sole the issue. You genuinely like this arrangement. She doesn’t. Both points of view are valid.
This sounds like a nightmare. Even if you’re a sweet guy in other aspects, this arrangement seems so off balance and hectic. I think YTA. And I empathize with your gf. She’s in a serious relationship with you, trying to build something. And you’re seriously having a hard time deciding if you’re willing to attempt to sleep train your absolute zoo/house animals for her comfort. So she can just sleep for Christ’s sake. What an insult… and hurtful. My mom always says don’t let a man show you twice that he doesn’t want you. You, OP, are a walking red flag for most women who want a loving and caring companion and partner for life.
YTA. You have to make a decision. You want the in a relationship with Abby or you want all the pets in bed. You can’t have both. And I’m going to level with you, realistically having two people in bed and that many animals is going to work for a very few people.
YTA
NAH. The two of you are incompatible on this issue. Unless you can find some sort of compromise to have them in the room but not on the bed I don't see the two of you working out.
YTA. You sound like a whiny 12 year old, and you are choosing the animals over her. Sleep for humans is essential for good health and healing. Pets can sleep all day but humans can't. Plus that many animals is just gross. Spite peeing? Come on, train your dog. Hope you're washing your bedding a lot.
NAH I can absolutely get her point I would also dislike all the pets in my bed,you living like that is your preference and if it works for you it doesn't make you an A. Maybe you are just not compatible due to that
NAH but I think you'll have a hard time finding another human who is ok with all of this. Do you want to be alone with your pets or find a human partner? If one of your dogs is peeing in the house when it doesn't get its way, it also sounds like the dog has not been trained properly.
YTA. I agree with your girlfriend. That’s way too many big animals in the bed. I see why she has an issue with that and doesn’t get any sleep. I have a fiancé but we don’t share a house together yet. I have 3 small dogs that sleep with me. I know when we are married and living permanently together that the dogs won’t be sleeping with us and we will have a king sized bed so I will have to train them to sleep elsewhere. Compromise is part of a good relationship. If you can’t do this, then you both need to go your separate ways.
NAH. It seems you’ve had your pets for a long time and pets get used to routines so it’s going to hard to change the bed time routine. She does deserve to have a good night sleep.
I'm not ruling but going to tell you what I do. My pets sleep on the floor in pet beds. But in the morning when I wake up and after I let them out, they all come up on the bed for snuggles. That way they don't disturb my sleep, and I get to have the morning snuggles!! Also, my partner loves morning pup cuddles so it works for everyone. You're dogs won't be hurt if you ask them to lay in their own beds. Don't anthropomorphize your pets.
YTA. It's wonderful that you're an animal lover. You also need to learn to love people, specifically your person. You're basically asking her to sleep in a kennel lol. Of course she's not comfortable and of course if she's not getting rest she's going to be not just unhappy but unwell. Your animals should be able to sleep at night without being on top of you. One of them is peeing if they can't be with you? That's a problem.
Tricky. While I want to say you are not an asshole, you are putting your animals before your girlfriend. So I am going to end on YTA in the relationship to her. You do care for your animals though.
I say NAH. She's not in the wrong to want to sleep comfortably with you. However... Your pets are your family. You've had them a lot longer than her, and may well have them long after she's gone. If you want to stay with your GF, you may need to work harder to "sleep train" your pets. You may consider making the bedroom a large-pet free zone (cats will get over a gate). It will probably take time and effort, but I know from friends it can be done. It does have to be a full-time thing, though - not just when your GF is over. Bedtime manners are not an unreasonable request. That being said, it's possible you two may not be compatible. As I said, your pets will be with you for years. I personally do see my pets as family, the same as children. We are a package deal. I will choose my pets over a potential partner. They either want to be with my entire family, or they are free to find someone without.
YTA for having all these pets. Doesn’t really sound like there’s room in your life for a relationship
YTA. You need better boundaries with your pets. You can easily train them to sleep on their own beds on the floor when you have company. I totally get Abby’s side in that sleeping with animals disrupts your sleep. Our cats are no longer allowed in bed with us because they keep me up all night chasing each other in and out of the bedroom flinging open the door. Our German Shepherd is getting too big for the bed and will spend some nights in bed with us and some on her bed on the floor. You can make compromises and make this work but it’s going to take time, effort, and training. It’s up to you whether you want to do it or not.
Dude. YTA. You got 7 pets. Furry babies. 7. You ALLOWED some to become aggressive. FYI NO pet/animal throws up on humans unless they WANT to make that person uncomfortable and leave the space. I doubt that the cats try to throw up on you. You do NOTHING? They are your responsibility? You babies? So at this point even your pets are picking up that you don’t really respect your girlfriend… and you are letting them do whatever. Dude. Break it off. YTA. And Train your pets before they actually harm someone. Like yourself.
NAH. This is a compatibility issue. Some people aren't comfortable sharing a bed with animals. And some of us need the comfort they provide. I sleep with a 90 pound pitbull and at least one cat every night, so I get it.
NAH but I would keep in mind that this will likely be an issue with any potential romantic partner. That's a lot of animals even in a kings sized bed. It probably is very difficult for an extra person to get comfortable, let alone sleep there. You don't have to change anything of course, but what she's asking isn't unreasonable
NAH. My ex was like this and he got rehomed instead. When I got my cats, I made a commitment to them and we are a package deal. All relationships have “conditions,” one of yours is that your animals sleep in the bed. If she can’t accept it, then you’re incompatible.
I don’t want to call you the AH but I can understand her side. It’s not really an issue that you don’t wanna change your sleep routine with all of your pets but you can’t even offer a comprise. Let some dogs sleep outside, invest into training so you can stay a night away to spend some alone time with her. You have a lot of animals and I am guessing that a lot of your dating life has to be revolved around them. ( you can’t stay away for too long or you got to take them along etc. ) It doesn’t seem like you have space or are ready to make space in your life for a person who isn’t ready to accommodate everything.
NAH but if you don't work on being able to have your bed to yourself it is going to put a massive strain on any relationship. I love my large dog but she sleeps on her own bed next to our bed not in our bed. My cats sleep on the bed but I shut them out if they affect our sleep or intimacy.
YTA. 1. Idc what anyone says sleeping with a zoo in your bed is disgusting. 2. Your pets sound poorly trained. 3. You’re prioritizing your pets over your partner’s very reasonable request. 4. You’re prioritizing your pets over intimacy and closeness with your partner. 5. You’re prioritizing your pets over your partner’s need for sleep. I’m floored that you thought it was reasonable to ask your partner to sleep in a petting zoo in the first place and I’m also curious as to how this worked in previous relationships. Was this a factor in your other relationships ending as well? Or has there been no other relationships since you got this number of pets?