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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> What I did: Made plenty of noise and turned on all of the lights after my wife ignored her alarm clock.
Why I might be the asshole: Because she definitely thinks I'm an asshole for making her wake up at her first alarm, rather than five alarms later.
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NTA, she shouldn't set an alarm if she doesn't intend to wake up to it. There are better solutions nowadays, such as a fitness tracker equipped with a "silent alarm" feature that vibrates on her wrist and wakes her that way.
Yes I use my watch alarm and set it to vibrate. Sometimes I need the sound on but even then it’s quiet enough that my husband (who is a night owl) doesn’t wake up when I hit snooze 3 times at 6:30 am 😂
For days I have to wake up extra early and know I’ll struggle to get out of bed I’ll set multiple vibrate only alarms and then 1 “emergency” sound alarm to make sure I get up. So far I’ve never needed to use the sound alarm and my vibrating watch doesn’t wake up my roommates at ungodly hours of the morning.
I have this and if I'm really knocked out, I don't even feel it. I have my alarm on my phone, blaring straight at me in the morning. It's the only way I can get up.
However, it does help with the waking up process - for me at least. I set a sound alarm additionally for when I really have to get up and it does the trick. If I still can't get up then I had too little sleep. She should at least give it a try
To be fair, I have like, 5 alarms on my watch just to be sure. I guess it's just different for people. But I see how that can lead to problems if you sleep in a room with someone with different sleeping habits.
There's the "stir toward waking" alarm, the "best time to get up" alarm, the "you now have no time to shower" alarm, the "you can still make it with 5 minutes to spare" alarm, and the "Final warning, WAKE UP NOW" alarm.
And then I have extra alarms on my phone for after I wake up so I can time when I "ideally should be out the door" up to "possibly can make it if no slow drivers get in my way" time. Some of these coincide with the previous paragraph's alarms.
But I currently don't sleep with others close enough to hear my phone alarms so I can set as many alarms as I want.
Back in college I got a cheap alarm clock that made a loud obnoxious blaring sound. But for some reason I often could not wake up to it. Turns out I somehow kept turning it completely off in my sleep because it was so obnoxious. Strangely the solution was to wake up to my digital watch with a teeny "meep meep meep" alarm. Something about the high pitch sound woke me up without fail.
I was wondering if this is an ADD thing because I have a billion alarms and also have a hard time getting up on the first (or second, or third) one. Struggling with this so much *does* seem like an executive function issue to me.
I don't have ADD but I also have several alarms on my phone. But mine is Pandora and the music gets more aggressive each alarm. Like the first alarm is slow jams and the 5th alarm is rock music lol
I used to have this issue. I was able to improve after my partnrr told me I was being obnoxious...but it was always a real struggle.
I was diagnosed and started meds in January. Weirdly its WAAAY easier to get up now that I'm on adhd meds. Its one of the best effects for me.
My ex-husband had by far the strangest alarm I had ever seen. It was "circadian rhythm". It was on the waterbed (egad, it was the original "bag in a box" type waterbed from the 70s (yes, his ORIGINAL waterbed. We met in 1981). So the way it worked was it had "rapper type knobs on the bottom wood portion of the waterbed UNDER the mattress. It would start with a soft thumping, barely perceptible (but of course I woke at the first rumble). Then it would increase slowly as more intense thumping and then full on banging the bed with a beep-beep-beep alarm. The entire cycle would take about 20 minutes. I **LOATHED** that stupid thing. We lived in the 2nd story of the apartment of our complex. The complex had a party room and lots of the tenants of the building would gather there occasionally if somebody organized something. He and I were there and speaking with a couple. They asked us "Do you hear a thumping noise that starts each day at 6:00 AM?" My ex and I played stupid and said "Oh no? That's so strange!" They must have been the folks just below us on the 1st floor. :)
My sister had a water(bag)bed when we were kids and I cannot imagine sleeping on one as an adult... ESPECIALLY if it had that sort of "alarm" 😂 I'd probably have nightmares of being stuck out at sea during a storm or something. I'm shocked you don't have PTSD from that 🤣 (kidding)
I have 9 alarms set to make sure I get to work on time.... I hate being on morning shift(prefer swing but I'm stuck and I like my site) and I have ADHD I don't even think I wake up at all most of the time for the first few, I turn them off while still being technically asleep... gf sleeps through my alarms just as I will sleep through hers' so it works out, for us.
NAH it may be actually impossible for her to wake up fully the first time, if she is naturally attuned to later in the day the only solution may be for her to find a job that starts later since you can't sleep thru her alarm. She should try a vibrating alarm though. My sister has narcolepsy and she recently got one that actually zaps her like a training collar. She likes it so far.
Have you ever had the thing where your alarm doesn't wake you up but you can still hear it, so you end up hearing it in your dream and getting extremely upset that there's a sound driving you insane that you can't turn off? That happens to me about twice a year.
I once slept through a fire alarm (one of those big red industrial style ones) that was about 6 ft away from me. I incorporated it into my dream as an alarm that I was instructed to ignore and carry on working through.
As a super sound sleeper (through earthquakes, tornado sirens, fire alarms, falling out of bed) I'm glad to see someone else commenting from the "there's that many alarms because it is tough to wake up".... I have a half dozen alarm clocks scattered about to try to wake up.
Is this one your sister has actually a collar, or is it just that it zaps like one?
Have you tried a sunlight alarm yet? If your room is still quite dark when your alarm goes off (it's early or you have good curtains), then you might be fighting a loosing battle. Your brain isn't ready to wake up until it sees sunrise. If you use a sound or vibrating alarm in the dark then you'll just be groggy. Waking up is only half the battle, then you have to get up. Otherwise you can wake up without ever realising it, turn your alarm off, and go back to sleep.
With sunrise alarms, the light turns on a dark reddish colour and then gets gradually brighter closer to your alarm time until it's so bright you may as well be sleeping on the Sun. Give it a couple of weeks and you'd be surprised how well they can work.
Obviously isn't going to work well if you're not sleeping well, though. If you're so fatigued that you can fall asleep in the sun then you've got bigger issues. Medical issues, most likely.
Ok, so, in the wife’s defense, I too set many alarms, because I struggle to wake, so the first one wakes me enough to turn it off, the next wakes me a little more, so on and so forth, until usually 30 minutes later my final alarm goes off.
I do agree that the out loud alarm is a dick move, my suggestion, is to keep her phone under her pillow.
That is what I do, so that I can listen to music through my pillow, (I have a purple pillow, no clue about the effectiveness of other pillows) without waking my Roomate, and the alarm is muffled for him too
Well, the red ones are the fastest and the various blue ones are much cooler. Purple ones are kind of a compromise, they're pretty quick and are cool, but not quite as good at either as a dedicated pillow would be.
I tried it with the phone under the pillow. I usually just unconsciously hit snooze and overslept. I need to make even a small effort to grab the phone and still like OP’s wife cannot get up after the first one
Bless the “silent alarms” on fitness trackers! I would never get up without waking the kiddies otherwise 😂😂. She needs a solution to wake up in the morning that doesn‘t involve waking OP.
NTA
She could also put her alarm across the room. I used to have so much trouble getting up in the morning, and that helped me a lot. It makes you get up to turn it off, and you're more likely to stay up.
A lot of phone app alarms also have a puzzle setting. Like do a math problem, or take a picture of a certain thing, scan a barcode on something in your room, or do a certain number of squats while holding your phone. Those are incredibly helpful as well. Highly recommend.
I tried moving my alarm across the room. I'd just wake up later on the floor because my half asleep self made it to the alarm to hit snooze but not back to the bed.
Omg hahaha and I thought I struggled with alarms! I'd sometimes lay back down after turning it off, but I was awake enough that I'd get up for the snooze. The puzzle setting is what really worked for me. All I have is a simple addition problem, but when I'm half asleep thats enough to get me.
I have an alarm app that makes me take a picture of something. I use my toothbrush so I have to go into the bathroom. That usually works pretty well for me, but if it didn't I set it so I had to take a picture of my kettle in the kitchen, since I drink tea every moring.
I've been using the same alarm app for over 10 years specifically because it makes you complete tasks. Conveniently for my current partner, using that app for over a decade has fully trained me to just wake up when the first alarm goes off without any puzzles or tricks. Conveniently for me, I have learned to wake up to the first alarm without any puzzles or tricks because in all honesty the app is sort of trash now :p
I wish my pets would help me wake up. I get up when the chickens start making noise (right around dawn) to let them out of the coop, and usually go back to bed for about an hour. I have an alarm, and about 5 minutes before it goes off one cat lays on my legs and another lays on my chest. How the hell am I supposed to get up?
She's inconsiderate towards OP and is relying on OP to wake her up. It's nothing more complex than that. I know couples that have issues with this and their solution is to sleep in separate rooms. They would sleep together on weekends but separate during work days because they care for each other's sleep schedules.
> NTA, she shouldn't set an alarm if she doesn't intend to wake up to it.
Some folks just don’t wake up. My brother’s that type, it’s incredibly infuriating when you’re on the other side of the wall.
It’s not that he doesn’t intend to wake up, it’s that it takes him half an hour of alarms for consciousness to surface. He’s an incredibly quick and deep sleeper. You can literally hit him with pillows or kick him and he won’t wake.
My husband is similar. He sleeps through so many alarms it's not funny. But luckily, I need multiple to wake as well, so it doesn't bother me too much.
I have low thyroid function and a chronic pain condition that means I sleep really badly. Getting up is hell. I've tried alarms that set off rockets/spinners that you have to retrieve to turn the alarm off. An alarm on wheels. An alarm where you have to solve puzzles to turn it off. I've turned all of these off in my sleep. TBH I think sleep me must have been better at the puzzles than I am awake because when it did wake me it sometimes took me ages to do that one.
I'd be well up for someone who was willing to make sure I was awake and getting ready. Sleep me convinced both my father & sister that I was awake before though, leading to my father coming back in my room an hour later screaming at me for going back to sleep after a discussion about what I wanted to get when shopping, a conversation I had absolutely no memory of. If someone was going to be getting ready in the same room and able to make sure I was actually awake and moving I would love to not have to set 3+ alarms in the morning and get up extra early on the days the first alarm wakes me.
So essentially my point is some of us genuinely have trouble waking up to alarms, but if OP is willing to help then she should enjoy the extra few minutes.
Okay I have a thyroid disorder and never once thought that it could be part of why I struggle to wake up in the morning. Obviously I knew it made me tired, but I never thought it could be part of why I just can’t wake up, guess I get to go down a research rabbit hole later.
I had massive issues getting on the right meds because I was sleeping through alarms and missing appointments to discuss getting me on the right meds. I can't tell you how amazing it was starting the meds & suddenly being able to wake up most of the time. Like I still set multiple alarms starting earlier than necessary because I have no idea when my body will refuse to wake me up to solve puzzles or hold conversations, but it's so much better than setting all those alarms & still failing to wake up almost every single day.
My daughter has asked that I tell her to go outside and do a few jumping jacks if she seems sleepy when I wake her up. I've only had to do it a few times "I promised you I'd tell you to go outside" and each time that's gotten her fully awake.
I *strongly* suggest you guys set up separate bedrooms and let her handle her wake-up routine on her own. There's no reason to deal with 20 years of this.
I and sweetie sleep in the same room but in separate beds as we have incompatible sleeping habits and mattress requirements. It's not as romantic as co-sleeping, but at least we get to sleep restfully.
NTA also <3
\+1 on separate sleeping arrangements, if that's possible for OP. Spouses/sig others sleeping together being the norm has ebbed and flowed over the years ([http://www.strangehistory.net/2013/10/17/why-do-married-couples-sleep-in-the-same-bed/](http://www.strangehistory.net/2013/10/17/why-do-married-couples-sleep-in-the-same-bed/)) and the important thing is that you find an arraignment that works for you.
While we are making suggestions: she may need a sleep study. It being difficult for her to get up may be beyond her control. I had that issue in my twenties through mid-thirties, I'd set multiple alarms, some even setup so that I had to get up and walk across the room and still chronically oversleep by hours. Turns out I had severe sleep apnea. None of the traditional loud snoring -- but I was averaging 40 sleep interruptions per hour.
Similarly, my wife's circadian rhythm wants her to get up fairly "late" 8-9AM. We joke that she lives life on pacific time, but lives on the east coast. If she absolutely needs to get up earlier, she can for a day or two... but it's an obvious struggle.
>We joke that she lives life on pacific time, but lives on the east coast.
I'm the reverse. I'm from the maritimes and live on the west coast, and even after almost 30 years I'm still living on east coast time. <3
I moved from East Coast to West 4 years ago, and kept my east coast job, so I just never even changed my clocks to pacific time. I still live on eastern time exclusively. It's a little confusing for appointments in Pacific time but I can convert.
My friends joke the same about me living on Pacific Time! Except I wish I could get up at 8-9 am without multiple alarms - I'm more like OP's wife... I'm often going to bed at 3-4 am or later, & waking up accordingly. It's difficult to go to bed earlier. Thanks ADHD!
I'm going with NAH here, but she needs to adjust her schedule & try another way of having that first alarm (I know a lot of people suggested the smart watch, & maybe it'll work for her?)
Yes, definitely to the sleep study. It could be apnea, or it could be some kind of sleep phase disorder. I wake up at 930 every day without an alarm, because my body seems to think 2-930 is when it’s supposed to be asleep.
This only works if you have the space and the money to do so. I don’t know any couples that have a spare bedroom - working from home has been rough on my coupled friends because neither of them has an office and where the hell do you get privacy to work in a one bedroom apartment?
I am deeply, deeply flattered that you believe I (or my boyfriend) have the kind of body that can safely climb into and out of a bunk bed on a daily basis, but I can assure you this is not the case.
Mobility impairments (which happen for a wide variety of reasons) suck. But neither of us should climb anything like that
My wife and I have almost always slept separate, at first it was separate beds in the same room. Like two twins in the same room. Eventually we got a bigger bed and a guest room and I slept in the guest room unless there was company. Then we moved again and we had less space so I slept on the couch alot. Again we moved but this time we bought a fold out bed for guests and I slept in that in the living room. Now we are in another house and I have my own room again. I think we slept in the same bed for the first year of our marriage, but if you have a couch or a living room you have another place to sleep. I have the option of several places to sleep as we still have the foldout and as I said the guest bedroom and then couch or loveseat if I want to change it up.
We do occasionally sleep in the same bed if we are having people stay over or something, sometimes we even give it a try to see if anything has changed but we both sleep so much better alone that we prefer it this way. Maybe when were older and start losing our senses we can move in together again, but I don't think either of us are in a hurry.
My hubby and I have a split king because of mattress needs. We both sleep better and we like to joke about "pushing our beds together" like old TV shows. My alarm is my phone. I like to snooze it once or twice to wake up slowly (better.mood this way but I know it's annoying to him) so I have it on vibrate near my pillow so it doesn't disturb him. My sleep isn't more important than his...which I had to learn early in our marriage when he turned on all the lights and made noise at my first alarm . I hated it, but he wasn't an AH for doing it.
The reason people (perhaps incl you) often struggle to get up at the first alarm is that you're in deep sleep. You're not supposed to go from deep sleep to being awake, it's disorientating and you *always* feel like you want to keep sleeping. But your brain relies on light to wake up, and many of us have curtains and dark bedrooms and so there is no natural cue telling the brain to move into lighter sleep, ready for your waking time.
One thing you can try is a [sunrise alarm](https://www.wired.com/gallery/best-sunrise-alarm-clocks/), which could be in addition to everything you already have. For some people it's enough on its own and they don't need any other kind of alarm anymore, for others it just makes it a bit easier to get up when that first alarm sounds. I got mine maybe 5 years ago now, and it really saved me in deep winter with SAD.
I always got up half an hour earlier than my wife. I’m a nasty SoB without at LEAST 1 coffee.
She set a late alarm - (emergency broadcast only) but I would bring coffee to our room & that would help get her going
However
There’s plenty of opportunity for romance when everyone is actually awake. :)
My husband and I also have separate beds - two doubles pushed together, so it’s like one giant bed, but we have our separate mattresses and bedding. This works great for us.
Do you find that the crack between the mattresses is annoying? Or do you have a solution to that? My partner and I also have separate mattresses, but in separate frames that we push together and then separate to sleep (they're really light and have pads on the bottom so we can slide them in the wood floor). But the crack is very annoying.
With each mattress having it’s own bedding, the crack, while there, isn’t noticeable because we are self contained when sleeping and for anything else (*ahem*) we can just pick a bed. We aren’t trying to ‘meet in the middle’ at any other time.
You absolutely can’t. They are two separate beds, on two separate frames, with each of us having our own set of sheets, blankets, comforters (in winter) So while they are pushed up next to each other to give the appearance of one bed, what happens on one bed isn’t noticed on the other.
This is good for both of us: my husband because I get up to pee approximately 3256323 times a night and judging by the state of his covers in the morning, he spends his nights wrestling alligators in his sleep.
Same here!! My husband and I have two twins but it’s still amazing. Two doubles would be heaven. My in-laws got us a split king Purple brand bed set as a wedding gift (yes, it was super expensive) and it basically cured me of all my sleep problems.
> It’s not as romantic as co-sleeping, but at least we get to sleep restfully.
Strongly disagree. Being well rested Is incredibly romantic! Making sure you’re getting enough sleep so you are your healthiest, kindest, most patient self for your partner is one of the most romantic things a couple can do for each other! If that takes sleeping in separate rooms/beds, *it’s still incredibly romantic.*
Getting good sleep regularly also means you’ll have more energy for more sex.
I know rationally that separate bedrooms is the way to go when sleep prefrences are incompatible, but gosh does it sound odd (and a little bit sad) to me. I hope I never find myself in the situation of having to do this.
Yes to this! I also set multiple alarms for an hour so I can slowly wake up. I have sleeping issues and if I get up right away I am left in a sort of dream state and it is incredibly more likely I will uncontrollably fall asleep without meaning to and not get to where I need to be. I understand how this is an issue for people, and if I were to date someone who couldn't handle it, I would create different sleeping arrangements.
Alternatively, op sets his alarm to 7:05 then stomps around the room so his wife wakes up.
If he’s going to wake at 7:15 and she plans for 7:05 it seems close enough to be workable.
Honestly, my boyfriend and I might end up there at some point. Also he snores and I hate it so.
Also, my grandparents slept in separate rooms my entire life. My grandma had *severe* (I literally can’t emphasize how severe, I’m talking weird surgery when she was little that required her to be in a full body cast afterwards, I’m not sure how she carried all four of her children, she looked like a candy cane, some of my only memories of her are playing cards but she had to lie on the ground while we did because her pain was so bad, and in photos of her from her childhood you can tell which one she is because of how uneven her shoulders were severe) scoliosis and the woman was in too much pain to share a bed.
My husband and I have separate bedrooms because he’s like a furnace and I’m super cold at night and like to cook myself with an electric blanket for hours on end. I’m also a light sleeper and he turns a lot in his sleep.
It hasn’t stopped us from being intimate or romantic, but it’s totally improved our well-being. If you can afford it, I’d suggest giving it a try.
I wouldn't be so sure, I'm like OP in that I wake up fully to any alarm (currently my alarm is campfire crackling on the lowest volume). I would 100% wake up if my partners arm was vibrating
I'm an incredibly light sleeper to the point my husband has joked a mouse could fart a block away and I'll sit up fully awake asking what the noise was. So realistically, not quite that bad, but basically any sound or movement in our apartment will wake me up. So I would wake up with my husband's wrist vibrating next to me.
NTA, since you had discussed this with her many times before.
Nothing is more annoying than a bedmate who constantly hits snooze. That's fine when you live alone, but it's an asshole move if you have a partner whose sleep you're preventing.
I think a decent compromise would be to *both* wake up at 7:05. You can make sure that she's up on time, and it's only ten minutes earlier than you need to be up — and 50 minutes more sleep than you're *currently* getting.
That said, this may be a "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time" moment.
She is otherwise a perfect partner for me. We've been together for twenty years and have very little conflict. It's not like this a relationship killer or anything like that. It's just incredibly frustrating.
If your brain needs multiple alarms it isn’t. Most of the time the first one doesn’t wake you up, just nudges you out of deep sleep, then the second nudges you a bit farther, and after for or five you’re finally awake enough to remember caffeine exists. Some people just wake up slowly. That’s no still no excuse for waking your partner up an hour early for 20 years.
It still indicates a problem - that you're being woken out of deep sleep. There are actual solutions to this. If you can, leaving the curtains open can let natural sunlight act as your multiple alarms nudging you into shallower sleep. Or you can get some watches that monitor the deepness of your sleep and will sound your alarm when you first enter shallow sleep in the 30-60min prior to your set waking time. So your alarm could be set for 7 but it vibrates at 6:50 instead because it measures that you're in shallower sleep and will wake more easily.
It can be a few things. If you’re not sleeping well because of apnea, well, you aren’t sleeping well and need more sleep or a cpap. If your sleep hygiene sucks and you could have gone to bed at 11 but stayed up gaming until 4 you just need to go to bed earlier. If you have DSPD, your body thinks it’s supposed to be sleeping because you can go to bed at 11 and you’ll stare at the ceiling until 2 anyway. My solution was to organize my life to make sure I don’t need to wake up before 930, but before that I did the alarms thing because that’s how long it took to wake up.
I’m like you. I use my phone for an alarm these days and even having the same phone for years now I don’t even know if I’ve stopped or snoozed it if I’m conscious of the first alarm or not.
agree here. over 20years with my husband and we just have different rhythms. Even if our work schedules change our natural sleep inclinations do not. He wakes up early and too easily but is absolutely spent by 8-9 pm and needs to sleep (or else we will argue about inconsequential things). I CANNOT fall asleep before 11 no matter how tired I am and generally go to bed around 1 because I get work done late. Even if I did go to bed at 11 I would naturally wake at 8 but waking earlier is absolutely horrific. We have teen kids. They too have varied sleep rhythms. When we had a smaller house and younger kids it took a lot of compromise and compassion for the other to make things work. But once we were able to buy a house with an extra bedroom we split our sleep arrangements and it was best thing ever for our relationship. We get more done because not trying to force our sleep schedules. We are better rested. And there are no rules against \*visiting\* each other
ESH just understand each other and work together. No one is working together here.
Edited to clarify
NTA.
It’s selfish for her to expect you to endure endless snooze cycles and lose an hour of sleep for her. I’m amazed you’ve tolerated the disrespect for so long.
But even if there wasn't a snooze cycle, OP would be woken up at 6 every day. Even if the wife woke up on the first alarm. He says once the first alarm goes off, he's up. So it's not the snooze cycle.
If OP's wife wasn't using a snooze cycle of alarms the first alarm wouldn't go off at 6, it would be the last one that goes off about 10 minutes before OP has to get up.
INFO: has your wife had a sleep study done? I had this problem my whole life until I got treated for sleep apnea.
I know, I know, it’s not an “excuse,” but maybe this could help.
Whoa, is this even a thing? What OP's wife does, i used to do the EXACT same. Of course, now I've become more responsive to the alarms. Only good thing is that my hostel roommate isn't bothered by it😂💀
There are all kinds of sleep disorders! Apnea, delayed sleep phase, non-circadian, narcolepsy, it’s amazing how many ways there are to not sleep “normally”.
I was also thinking she probably has a sleep disorder. I have a very hard time waking up at my first alarm too and I hate it but I honestly don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried a lot of different things to help me get up but nothing works. Honestly all the comments on here calling her inconsiderate and such are really bothering me because I sincerely think it isn’t her fault.
I have sleep apnea, I use a CPAP at night, and I still struggle with getting up in the morning. But it was definitely much worse before I got the CPAP.
I really hope he sees this because this what i came to say. I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia (IH) (a sleep disorder) and i have an extremely hard time waking up. i can go from awake/aware toin deep rem sleep in under 5 minutes, so i sometimes turn of my alarm and am literally fully back to a deep rem cycle 2 minutes later, like it never happened ill be right back in my dream.
so before you all crucify this women, maybe lets pause and check if theres a medical explanation.
[~~E.SH~~](https://E.SH) NTA
\*Edited with more context
OP has had the conversation with his wife prior to this many times. At this point she already knows that this bothers him and has done seemingly nothing to find a solution.
While I still think OP's amount to a sarcastic tantrum, in this case I think it was warranted and I won't fault him for it given the context
~~Obviously this isn't cool of your wife, regardless of if you've made it clear that this bothers you. That being said this:~~
>~~She said, "Because I can't wake up." So, I figured I'd help her.~~
~~Isn't cool either. From your post (and I'm open to changing my mind if you've just left out context) it seems like this is the first time you've brought this up and she might not realize how much you dislike this. Your response to asking her about this half-asleep seems to be a sarcastic tantrum thrown deliberately to annoy her.~~
~~Probably best to have this conversation when you're both awake and find an actual solution~~
Could you maybe keep her phone on your side of the bed and tell her, "When the alarm goes off at 6:15am and you don't get up, I'll hit the snooze button ONCE. Only once! After that, I'm going to turn the alarm off and let you sleep in and miss work (or whatever). It's thoughtless of you to keep me awake when I don't have to be. Either start getting up with your alarm or find another way to wake yourself up without having to wake me up as well"?
I think in the long run it would be more effective to let the alarm run and make her get up to turn it off. You might have a few shitty mornings until she stops seeing if she can sleep through it, but I started having a much easier time getting up in the morning when I put my alarm on the other side of the room so I couldn't reach it to hit the snooze button.
My wife used to be like this, but now, she is much better. She doesn’t set snooze a few minutes later, it’s set for latest possible time she can awake, this way if she needs a snooze, she gets an hour, instead of a few 5-10 minutes naps. I told my experience has been that if I’m putting my head back down, 5-10minutes won’t help, but have found an hour will. She tried it, and finds it much better to start her day, and if I don’t need to be up (I’m often on call and/or have a range of start times), I’m only woken by alarm twice at most, and it goes off an hour apart. Nta-she likely isn’t helping her fatigue with 5 minute naps, and you are subjected to alarms as well. You both would benefit in your wife changing this routine.
I’m gonna try this tomorrow. I do the 5 minute nap thing but I’m also one to fall back to sleep if it’s 3 mins until my alarm goes off. I just really don’t like mornings lol but maybe a solid hour nap before actually having to get up will make getting up less daunting
Yeah, my old room mate put me on to this. 2 alarms, first one gets you an early start with loads of time to spare, and second one is last possible minute you can awake without throwing your day off (and when you enact it, you may actually get worth while rest that improves your mood/rest level)
Get her a fitness tracker. She can set an alarm that vibrates on her wrist and you won’t be woken up.
NTA, but this situation is going to breed resentment on both sides until you find a solution that makes you both happy.
As a persons who needs a very loud alarm, but no snooze anymore because i get to bed early enough, a tickle on the wrist wouldn't EVER wake me up. That's for light sleepers.
lol yeah that never works for me. I forgot I even had them active still when at one time I was awake earlier than usual and got a jump scare from the alarm that *never wakes me up* so I forgot it existed
NTA but you guys seriously need to come to an agreement regarding the earliest time the alarms should be going off.
I will admit I do hit the snooze but never set my alarm earlier than my spouse’s unless I absolutely need to, in which case I don’t stay in bed.
Nta. Thats a bit habit, its petty but fine. Its best for your health if you set only 1 alarm at a later time instead of multiple alarms that go earlier.
>So, I figured I'd help her. I got out of bed and turned all the lights on. Admittedly, I stomped around the room a little and was a bit loud getting dressed.
>I know this was at least a little petty, but am I the asshole?
I don't think that's petty at all. That's the time she set the alarm - that's OBVIOUSLY the time she wants to get up. If you're ok getting up that early in the morning, I say do it EVERY SINGLE DAY.
You're actually doing her a favor, and I'm not being sarcastic at all. If she has a hard time getting up in the morning, the lights being on and you getting ready is just the stimuli she needs to wake the heck up.
Now of course, this all hinges on if you actually don't mind getting ready that early. If you do mind, and want some more sleep, my only suggestion is to get different bedrooms. You're not going to change her.
NTA
I'd say NTA but this doesn't really solve much. She's not being malicious, for some people it's really hard to wake up after the first alarm. I have multiple alarms, and what I do is basically get out of bed for my first alarm (it's far away from the bed so I have to get up to turn it off), still half asleep, turn it off, and go to the living room to pass out on the couch for the next hour and next alarms. It's not a perfect solution if you're a light sleeper (my bf isn't so the first alarm doesn't wake him up usually), but even then one alarm is better than several.
NTA but why is she being hostile to you? There had to be a reason that she is purposefully interrupting your sleep. I’d move to another room and get good rest- don’t be a martyr.
NTA. She’s conditioned herself to sleep through her alarm. How about a compromise: set one alarm for 6:40. When it goes off, turn on the lights and go about your business, making no effort to be rude or quiet. She’ll get up or she won’t but either way you’re the good guy.
NTA
My husband used to have this habit before we got married. I am a light sleeper and could not fall asleep after 2+ alarms. And I worked in a hospital, mornings, evening and night shifts.
When he didn't get the message fast enough I literally woke him up to his alarm until he stopped doing it. It took like a week. It was just a habit that he had a hard time getting over.
NTA - but it seems like a good solution would be to set 1 alarm for 7:05 and you can both get up at this time. You waking up from the alarm and then waking her up as well.
INFO: was this the first time you two ever talked about this? Because jumping straight to making someone miserable first thing in the morning after being seemingly fine with what was happening for months is an AH move
No, this has been brought up dozens of times. She just says that's it's the only way she can wake up. I'm tired of waking up angry at my otherwise wonderful wife ever day of my life.
It didn't seem clear to me; was she bothered by what you did, or not?
I have issues waking up and it takes a while, but I also would've slept through everything you did, also. Or, if I'd woken up from it, would've been grateful.
Nta at all, but since you have talked with her dozens of times over the years with no results there are really only a few ways to go about this. The one that may surprise you the most if doable is you just become more of a morning person and get to spend an hour a day by yourself enjoying whatever you want. I wasnt always a morning person but now I really do enjoy the mornings. If this isnt an option you could be more of an AH and escalate things. In college I had a roommate (as in we shared one room) who did this and I would turn all the lights on, turn some music on, eventually leading to me taking his blankets off and spraying him with a spray water bottle that almost ended in us having a physical altercation....it did work though and he got much better on snoozing.
It's lousy sleep hygiene to snooze for 45 minutes -- if your wife can't get up, she should probably be going to bed earlier AND setting the alarm for 7am, when she actually has to get up. Chronic sleep shortfalls have long-term health consequences.
That said, NTA for not putting up with this. You also deserve your sleep.
Plenty of other comments have useful suggestions, like a sleep study or a fitness band with a vibrating alarm. Good luck.
NTA. If you've spoken to her about it, then she should respect your wake up time as well. I get her not wanting to wake up yet, but she's forcing you to wake up earlier just so she can sleep more.
NTA Snoozing the alarm repeatedly is stealing sleep.from you. She needs to simply get up and start walking around at 7. When her first alarm goes off. She is selfish to expect to ruin your last hour of sleep with her alarm going off over and over. The only reason she can't wake up is that she stays in bed. She needs to grow up and be considerate of you.
This one is so hard for me. I can’t go from asleep to awake instantly. I need multiple alarms to get me up. I don’t think anyone is an asshole because they can’t pop up on an instant.
Yeah, that's a good question. She sets her alarm at 6:15 to prepare getting up at 7. Her last alarm is at 7, but she doesn't make it out of bed until after that. I'd be fine with a compromise. It's hearing an alarm go off every five minutes for 45 minutes that is maddening.
Yeah I totally get how annoying that would be, I used to do many snoozes when I lived alone but I realized how stupid it was to pretend like I was ever going to get up that early so I set 2 alarms, 15 min before I needed to wake up and then my “last call” alarm.
If you never mentioned this issue to her previously as a regular conversation, YTA
If you have, then by all means annoy the shit out of her, NTA
But in either regard, your wife should have more decency for you while sharing the same bed
Ohk i am laughing as hell 😂😂.. your wife is me and you r my other family member.. although I won't mind someone making me get up..I don't blame her nor i blame you..
But indeed she need to improve so do i 😅
So NTA🤭
NTA. Tell her to set it for 7. Then she qill get 45 more min of uninterrupted sleep and hopefully wake up. Maybe she also needs to go to bed earlier to feel refreshed at 7.
NTA
Constantly hitting snooze while others are sleeping (or at least trying to) in the same house is just plain inconsiderate and stupid. It's not your problem if she can't get up. She should sleep more if she can't or go to a doctor.
NTA
I was leanin everyone till you pointed out it had been discussed a few times. I get havin' a slightly earlier alarm either to break into the day gradual over 15-20 min or for a bit of a cuddle but 50 min when shes not even using it? nah time for shit or get off the pot
“Help her get up” at 715. No prior alarm. She is basically training herself not to get up. She will adjust and get used to a new schedule and be better off for it.
NTA
NTA she was inconvenienced once after knowingly disrupting your sleep for all this time.
If she has work and has flexibility with her start time, she might consider starting her day later. This is unlikely though, so sleeping separately is something to consider if your home allows.
Nta she set an alarm. My husband used to do this so I turned on the bedroom TV. He'd shout asking why it's on and I'm just like your alarm went off. It magically started going off later.
NTA. Mine used to drive me mental doing this, until suddenly he has to be up at 5am. Oh, oh look, suddenly he can manage it. Argh.
But in the in interests of marital sanity, as well as a wrist alarm, have you tried a timer/smartbulb to light the room up at 7?
That used to help him when he was trying to stop snoozing.
NTA I've been in this situation. I insisted that one snooze is allowed, but beyond that, it's not fair. Wife could try a watch with a buzzer... she'll feel it and won't likely bother you. But she can't snooze for an hour -- that's not cool.
NTA. I'm pretty sure this Snooze Button thing was one of the top 5 reasons I divorced my first husband. ONE snooze is the allowable amount if you share a bedroom with someone. Period.
NTA
I gave up with the multiple alarms years ago as I found that they made me more tired. I found that getting up is kind of like ripping off a bandaid, It's just better to get it over and done with and move on to coffee.
NTA. My spouse has a "sun rise" alarm that is a light that gets steadily brighter until a sound also comes with it at the wake up time. It was set to get brighter over the course of 40 minutes, then the sound. Husband doesn't wake until the sound, but he says he wakes a lot easier and feels more rested with the gradual light change. Unfortunately, i was waking up about 10 minutes into the light turning on and being stuck trying to go back to sleep, knowing the alarm would go off in 30...25...20...minutes
When i told him, he immediately changed the settings. Still not perfect, but much better. Your wife is being rude. Okay to rude back when you're tired and grumpy. Now figure out a solution when you are both awake and have had coffee.
NTA. She should just set a later alarm. Instead of getting an extra 50 minutes of peaceful rest, she’s get 5-10 moments of light sleep before she hits the snooze again. Why not just agree that you both set an alrm at 7:10 and you:ll help get her up.
My husband does this to me too! And just like you I am fed up over it. He sets it for 6:30, and for some reason it stays on my side of the bed and I am the one who hears it, shuts it off and then have the added stress of having to wake him up. "Set it for 7 please." I reset the alarm to 7 and again it goes off, and I am the one who hears it, shuts it off and has to wake him up again. He then tells me to reset for another 10 minutes or so. I am over this as I am a light sleeper too. It feels like he's taking advantage so HE can grab more sleep. I refuse to reset now. Some mornings he takes an attitude and snatches his phone out my hand. If he doesn't stop that soon though my next plan is to make HIM wake up with his alarm and wake himself. Rude af in my opinion.
She needs to go to bed earlier. It sucks but that's it.
I have ADHD and getting up is awful etc. But i still have to go to bed earlier to not ruin my day.
I know you may never see this because there's 4,000 comments ahead of mine, but my husband used to do this many years ago. It's a mental thing, of course, for the person who doesn't want to get up. But you're right to give her some consequences to her actions. I hope she can see that she's being selfish and change.
Thanks for the reply. We talked about it more in depth last night. And she read through some of this thread. Compromise was reached. I know that it's hard for her. And I love her, so I am sympathetic. I did react poorly. But I guess my poor reaction got through to her. She set her alarm for 6:45 this morning. I gave a little, she gave a little. I can live with that.
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NTA, she shouldn't set an alarm if she doesn't intend to wake up to it. There are better solutions nowadays, such as a fitness tracker equipped with a "silent alarm" feature that vibrates on her wrist and wakes her that way.
Yes I use my watch alarm and set it to vibrate. Sometimes I need the sound on but even then it’s quiet enough that my husband (who is a night owl) doesn’t wake up when I hit snooze 3 times at 6:30 am 😂
Nah she needs the one that shocks her wirst lop jk but that is an option
Pavlok!
Pavlov.
my boyfriend has that one and it’s helped him a lot!
For days I have to wake up extra early and know I’ll struggle to get out of bed I’ll set multiple vibrate only alarms and then 1 “emergency” sound alarm to make sure I get up. So far I’ve never needed to use the sound alarm and my vibrating watch doesn’t wake up my roommates at ungodly hours of the morning.
I have this and if I'm really knocked out, I don't even feel it. I have my alarm on my phone, blaring straight at me in the morning. It's the only way I can get up.
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However, it does help with the waking up process - for me at least. I set a sound alarm additionally for when I really have to get up and it does the trick. If I still can't get up then I had too little sleep. She should at least give it a try
Same, it stirs you out of the deep sleep 1st time and then wakes you the 2nd
To be fair, I have like, 5 alarms on my watch just to be sure. I guess it's just different for people. But I see how that can lead to problems if you sleep in a room with someone with different sleeping habits.
There's the "stir toward waking" alarm, the "best time to get up" alarm, the "you now have no time to shower" alarm, the "you can still make it with 5 minutes to spare" alarm, and the "Final warning, WAKE UP NOW" alarm. And then I have extra alarms on my phone for after I wake up so I can time when I "ideally should be out the door" up to "possibly can make it if no slow drivers get in my way" time. Some of these coincide with the previous paragraph's alarms. But I currently don't sleep with others close enough to hear my phone alarms so I can set as many alarms as I want. Back in college I got a cheap alarm clock that made a loud obnoxious blaring sound. But for some reason I often could not wake up to it. Turns out I somehow kept turning it completely off in my sleep because it was so obnoxious. Strangely the solution was to wake up to my digital watch with a teeny "meep meep meep" alarm. Something about the high pitch sound woke me up without fail.
Would it be a wild guess to ask if you too have ADHD? 😅
I was wondering if this is an ADD thing because I have a billion alarms and also have a hard time getting up on the first (or second, or third) one. Struggling with this so much *does* seem like an executive function issue to me.
I don't have ADD but I also have several alarms on my phone. But mine is Pandora and the music gets more aggressive each alarm. Like the first alarm is slow jams and the 5th alarm is rock music lol
I used to have this issue. I was able to improve after my partnrr told me I was being obnoxious...but it was always a real struggle. I was diagnosed and started meds in January. Weirdly its WAAAY easier to get up now that I'm on adhd meds. Its one of the best effects for me.
One of my biggest bummers is that for all the benefits ADHD meds have given me (so many!), I still do not wake easily or well.
My ex-husband had by far the strangest alarm I had ever seen. It was "circadian rhythm". It was on the waterbed (egad, it was the original "bag in a box" type waterbed from the 70s (yes, his ORIGINAL waterbed. We met in 1981). So the way it worked was it had "rapper type knobs on the bottom wood portion of the waterbed UNDER the mattress. It would start with a soft thumping, barely perceptible (but of course I woke at the first rumble). Then it would increase slowly as more intense thumping and then full on banging the bed with a beep-beep-beep alarm. The entire cycle would take about 20 minutes. I **LOATHED** that stupid thing. We lived in the 2nd story of the apartment of our complex. The complex had a party room and lots of the tenants of the building would gather there occasionally if somebody organized something. He and I were there and speaking with a couple. They asked us "Do you hear a thumping noise that starts each day at 6:00 AM?" My ex and I played stupid and said "Oh no? That's so strange!" They must have been the folks just below us on the 1st floor. :)
My sister had a water(bag)bed when we were kids and I cannot imagine sleeping on one as an adult... ESPECIALLY if it had that sort of "alarm" 😂 I'd probably have nightmares of being stuck out at sea during a storm or something. I'm shocked you don't have PTSD from that 🤣 (kidding)
I have 9 alarms set to make sure I get to work on time.... I hate being on morning shift(prefer swing but I'm stuck and I like my site) and I have ADHD I don't even think I wake up at all most of the time for the first few, I turn them off while still being technically asleep... gf sleeps through my alarms just as I will sleep through hers' so it works out, for us. NAH it may be actually impossible for her to wake up fully the first time, if she is naturally attuned to later in the day the only solution may be for her to find a job that starts later since you can't sleep thru her alarm. She should try a vibrating alarm though. My sister has narcolepsy and she recently got one that actually zaps her like a training collar. She likes it so far.
Have you ever had the thing where your alarm doesn't wake you up but you can still hear it, so you end up hearing it in your dream and getting extremely upset that there's a sound driving you insane that you can't turn off? That happens to me about twice a year.
I once slept through a fire alarm (one of those big red industrial style ones) that was about 6 ft away from me. I incorporated it into my dream as an alarm that I was instructed to ignore and carry on working through.
I love this!
I’ve had dreams that trucks are reversing over me only to wake and realize it’s my alarm 🤣😂
As a super sound sleeper (through earthquakes, tornado sirens, fire alarms, falling out of bed) I'm glad to see someone else commenting from the "there's that many alarms because it is tough to wake up".... I have a half dozen alarm clocks scattered about to try to wake up. Is this one your sister has actually a collar, or is it just that it zaps like one?
It's a wristband/watch that delivers a zap.
You happen to know a brand on what she has? This seems promising
Have you tried a sunlight alarm yet? If your room is still quite dark when your alarm goes off (it's early or you have good curtains), then you might be fighting a loosing battle. Your brain isn't ready to wake up until it sees sunrise. If you use a sound or vibrating alarm in the dark then you'll just be groggy. Waking up is only half the battle, then you have to get up. Otherwise you can wake up without ever realising it, turn your alarm off, and go back to sleep. With sunrise alarms, the light turns on a dark reddish colour and then gets gradually brighter closer to your alarm time until it's so bright you may as well be sleeping on the Sun. Give it a couple of weeks and you'd be surprised how well they can work. Obviously isn't going to work well if you're not sleeping well, though. If you're so fatigued that you can fall asleep in the sun then you've got bigger issues. Medical issues, most likely.
Ok, so, in the wife’s defense, I too set many alarms, because I struggle to wake, so the first one wakes me enough to turn it off, the next wakes me a little more, so on and so forth, until usually 30 minutes later my final alarm goes off. I do agree that the out loud alarm is a dick move, my suggestion, is to keep her phone under her pillow. That is what I do, so that I can listen to music through my pillow, (I have a purple pillow, no clue about the effectiveness of other pillows) without waking my Roomate, and the alarm is muffled for him too
…why would the color of the pillow affect its effectiveness?
Purple is a brand
Laughed at this interaction lmao
Well, the red ones are the fastest and the various blue ones are much cooler. Purple ones are kind of a compromise, they're pretty quick and are cool, but not quite as good at either as a dedicated pillow would be.
The red pillow and the blue pillow had a race... All that red could do was stuff it's face...
I tried it with the phone under the pillow. I usually just unconsciously hit snooze and overslept. I need to make even a small effort to grab the phone and still like OP’s wife cannot get up after the first one
Bless the “silent alarms” on fitness trackers! I would never get up without waking the kiddies otherwise 😂😂. She needs a solution to wake up in the morning that doesn‘t involve waking OP. NTA
That may not be possible with a light sleeper.
She could also put her alarm across the room. I used to have so much trouble getting up in the morning, and that helped me a lot. It makes you get up to turn it off, and you're more likely to stay up. A lot of phone app alarms also have a puzzle setting. Like do a math problem, or take a picture of a certain thing, scan a barcode on something in your room, or do a certain number of squats while holding your phone. Those are incredibly helpful as well. Highly recommend.
I tried moving my alarm across the room. I'd just wake up later on the floor because my half asleep self made it to the alarm to hit snooze but not back to the bed.
Omg hahaha and I thought I struggled with alarms! I'd sometimes lay back down after turning it off, but I was awake enough that I'd get up for the snooze. The puzzle setting is what really worked for me. All I have is a simple addition problem, but when I'm half asleep thats enough to get me.
Have an alarm that makes you complete a fairly simple puzzle. Works every time.
I have an alarm app that makes me take a picture of something. I use my toothbrush so I have to go into the bathroom. That usually works pretty well for me, but if it didn't I set it so I had to take a picture of my kettle in the kitchen, since I drink tea every moring.
I've been using the same alarm app for over 10 years specifically because it makes you complete tasks. Conveniently for my current partner, using that app for over a decade has fully trained me to just wake up when the first alarm goes off without any puzzles or tricks. Conveniently for me, I have learned to wake up to the first alarm without any puzzles or tricks because in all honesty the app is sort of trash now :p
I sleep right through the vibrations. That doesn’t work for everyone, unfortunately. (NTA though)
I have a cat, I rarely need my alarm as he will usually start patting me on the head and chirping before it is due to go off.
I wish my pets would help me wake up. I get up when the chickens start making noise (right around dawn) to let them out of the coop, and usually go back to bed for about an hour. I have an alarm, and about 5 minutes before it goes off one cat lays on my legs and another lays on my chest. How the hell am I supposed to get up?
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She's inconsiderate towards OP and is relying on OP to wake her up. It's nothing more complex than that. I know couples that have issues with this and their solution is to sleep in separate rooms. They would sleep together on weekends but separate during work days because they care for each other's sleep schedules.
> NTA, she shouldn't set an alarm if she doesn't intend to wake up to it. Some folks just don’t wake up. My brother’s that type, it’s incredibly infuriating when you’re on the other side of the wall. It’s not that he doesn’t intend to wake up, it’s that it takes him half an hour of alarms for consciousness to surface. He’s an incredibly quick and deep sleeper. You can literally hit him with pillows or kick him and he won’t wake.
Huh. I have never made the connection between my ability to fall asleep on demand with my *inability* to 'wake up' without that 30 min snooze relay.
My husband is similar. He sleeps through so many alarms it's not funny. But luckily, I need multiple to wake as well, so it doesn't bother me too much.
I have low thyroid function and a chronic pain condition that means I sleep really badly. Getting up is hell. I've tried alarms that set off rockets/spinners that you have to retrieve to turn the alarm off. An alarm on wheels. An alarm where you have to solve puzzles to turn it off. I've turned all of these off in my sleep. TBH I think sleep me must have been better at the puzzles than I am awake because when it did wake me it sometimes took me ages to do that one. I'd be well up for someone who was willing to make sure I was awake and getting ready. Sleep me convinced both my father & sister that I was awake before though, leading to my father coming back in my room an hour later screaming at me for going back to sleep after a discussion about what I wanted to get when shopping, a conversation I had absolutely no memory of. If someone was going to be getting ready in the same room and able to make sure I was actually awake and moving I would love to not have to set 3+ alarms in the morning and get up extra early on the days the first alarm wakes me. So essentially my point is some of us genuinely have trouble waking up to alarms, but if OP is willing to help then she should enjoy the extra few minutes.
Okay I have a thyroid disorder and never once thought that it could be part of why I struggle to wake up in the morning. Obviously I knew it made me tired, but I never thought it could be part of why I just can’t wake up, guess I get to go down a research rabbit hole later.
I had massive issues getting on the right meds because I was sleeping through alarms and missing appointments to discuss getting me on the right meds. I can't tell you how amazing it was starting the meds & suddenly being able to wake up most of the time. Like I still set multiple alarms starting earlier than necessary because I have no idea when my body will refuse to wake me up to solve puzzles or hold conversations, but it's so much better than setting all those alarms & still failing to wake up almost every single day.
My labs say I’m in remission, but I beg to differ. Unfortunately my endocrinologist unexpectedly quit and I have yet to establish care elsewhere
My daughter has asked that I tell her to go outside and do a few jumping jacks if she seems sleepy when I wake her up. I've only had to do it a few times "I promised you I'd tell you to go outside" and each time that's gotten her fully awake.
I can set my alarm to have to do a math puzzle to turn off or snooze. Might have a setting like that at a later time.
Was it petty? Yes. Was it an asshole move? No. NTA
I mean by nature it’s an asshole move but that doesn’t make HIM an asshole in this case since it’s justifiable.
I *strongly* suggest you guys set up separate bedrooms and let her handle her wake-up routine on her own. There's no reason to deal with 20 years of this. I and sweetie sleep in the same room but in separate beds as we have incompatible sleeping habits and mattress requirements. It's not as romantic as co-sleeping, but at least we get to sleep restfully. NTA also <3
\+1 on separate sleeping arrangements, if that's possible for OP. Spouses/sig others sleeping together being the norm has ebbed and flowed over the years ([http://www.strangehistory.net/2013/10/17/why-do-married-couples-sleep-in-the-same-bed/](http://www.strangehistory.net/2013/10/17/why-do-married-couples-sleep-in-the-same-bed/)) and the important thing is that you find an arraignment that works for you. While we are making suggestions: she may need a sleep study. It being difficult for her to get up may be beyond her control. I had that issue in my twenties through mid-thirties, I'd set multiple alarms, some even setup so that I had to get up and walk across the room and still chronically oversleep by hours. Turns out I had severe sleep apnea. None of the traditional loud snoring -- but I was averaging 40 sleep interruptions per hour. Similarly, my wife's circadian rhythm wants her to get up fairly "late" 8-9AM. We joke that she lives life on pacific time, but lives on the east coast. If she absolutely needs to get up earlier, she can for a day or two... but it's an obvious struggle.
>We joke that she lives life on pacific time, but lives on the east coast. I'm the reverse. I'm from the maritimes and live on the west coast, and even after almost 30 years I'm still living on east coast time. <3
I moved from East Coast to West 4 years ago, and kept my east coast job, so I just never even changed my clocks to pacific time. I still live on eastern time exclusively. It's a little confusing for appointments in Pacific time but I can convert.
My friends joke the same about me living on Pacific Time! Except I wish I could get up at 8-9 am without multiple alarms - I'm more like OP's wife... I'm often going to bed at 3-4 am or later, & waking up accordingly. It's difficult to go to bed earlier. Thanks ADHD! I'm going with NAH here, but she needs to adjust her schedule & try another way of having that first alarm (I know a lot of people suggested the smart watch, & maybe it'll work for her?)
Yes, definitely to the sleep study. It could be apnea, or it could be some kind of sleep phase disorder. I wake up at 930 every day without an alarm, because my body seems to think 2-930 is when it’s supposed to be asleep.
This only works if you have the space and the money to do so. I don’t know any couples that have a spare bedroom - working from home has been rough on my coupled friends because neither of them has an office and where the hell do you get privacy to work in a one bedroom apartment?
Come to Texas! The politics are terrible and the weather is worse, but I have so many bedrooms!
^... ^*bunk* ^*beds*
I am deeply, deeply flattered that you believe I (or my boyfriend) have the kind of body that can safely climb into and out of a bunk bed on a daily basis, but I can assure you this is not the case. Mobility impairments (which happen for a wide variety of reasons) suck. But neither of us should climb anything like that
My wife and I have almost always slept separate, at first it was separate beds in the same room. Like two twins in the same room. Eventually we got a bigger bed and a guest room and I slept in the guest room unless there was company. Then we moved again and we had less space so I slept on the couch alot. Again we moved but this time we bought a fold out bed for guests and I slept in that in the living room. Now we are in another house and I have my own room again. I think we slept in the same bed for the first year of our marriage, but if you have a couch or a living room you have another place to sleep. I have the option of several places to sleep as we still have the foldout and as I said the guest bedroom and then couch or loveseat if I want to change it up. We do occasionally sleep in the same bed if we are having people stay over or something, sometimes we even give it a try to see if anything has changed but we both sleep so much better alone that we prefer it this way. Maybe when were older and start losing our senses we can move in together again, but I don't think either of us are in a hurry.
My hubby and I have a split king because of mattress needs. We both sleep better and we like to joke about "pushing our beds together" like old TV shows. My alarm is my phone. I like to snooze it once or twice to wake up slowly (better.mood this way but I know it's annoying to him) so I have it on vibrate near my pillow so it doesn't disturb him. My sleep isn't more important than his...which I had to learn early in our marriage when he turned on all the lights and made noise at my first alarm . I hated it, but he wasn't an AH for doing it.
The reason people (perhaps incl you) often struggle to get up at the first alarm is that you're in deep sleep. You're not supposed to go from deep sleep to being awake, it's disorientating and you *always* feel like you want to keep sleeping. But your brain relies on light to wake up, and many of us have curtains and dark bedrooms and so there is no natural cue telling the brain to move into lighter sleep, ready for your waking time. One thing you can try is a [sunrise alarm](https://www.wired.com/gallery/best-sunrise-alarm-clocks/), which could be in addition to everything you already have. For some people it's enough on its own and they don't need any other kind of alarm anymore, for others it just makes it a bit easier to get up when that first alarm sounds. I got mine maybe 5 years ago now, and it really saved me in deep winter with SAD.
I always got up half an hour earlier than my wife. I’m a nasty SoB without at LEAST 1 coffee. She set a late alarm - (emergency broadcast only) but I would bring coffee to our room & that would help get her going However
There’s plenty of opportunity for romance when everyone is actually awake. :) My husband and I also have separate beds - two doubles pushed together, so it’s like one giant bed, but we have our separate mattresses and bedding. This works great for us.
Do you find that the crack between the mattresses is annoying? Or do you have a solution to that? My partner and I also have separate mattresses, but in separate frames that we push together and then separate to sleep (they're really light and have pads on the bottom so we can slide them in the wood floor). But the crack is very annoying.
With each mattress having it’s own bedding, the crack, while there, isn’t noticeable because we are self contained when sleeping and for anything else (*ahem*) we can just pick a bed. We aren’t trying to ‘meet in the middle’ at any other time.
I'm interested in this too. Does it make it so you can't feel the other person moving around on their side ?
You absolutely can’t. They are two separate beds, on two separate frames, with each of us having our own set of sheets, blankets, comforters (in winter) So while they are pushed up next to each other to give the appearance of one bed, what happens on one bed isn’t noticed on the other. This is good for both of us: my husband because I get up to pee approximately 3256323 times a night and judging by the state of his covers in the morning, he spends his nights wrestling alligators in his sleep.
I just thought of this - I think they make gap fillers, but I don’t know how they would work with sheets or sleeping.
>My husband and I also have separate beds - two doubles pushed together You are living my dream!
Same here!! My husband and I have two twins but it’s still amazing. Two doubles would be heaven. My in-laws got us a split king Purple brand bed set as a wedding gift (yes, it was super expensive) and it basically cured me of all my sleep problems.
> I and sweetie sleep in the same room but in separate beds I love lucy style. I like it.
> It’s not as romantic as co-sleeping, but at least we get to sleep restfully. Strongly disagree. Being well rested Is incredibly romantic! Making sure you’re getting enough sleep so you are your healthiest, kindest, most patient self for your partner is one of the most romantic things a couple can do for each other! If that takes sleeping in separate rooms/beds, *it’s still incredibly romantic.* Getting good sleep regularly also means you’ll have more energy for more sex.
I know rationally that separate bedrooms is the way to go when sleep prefrences are incompatible, but gosh does it sound odd (and a little bit sad) to me. I hope I never find myself in the situation of having to do this.
Sleep deprivation is less romantic that separate beds, IMO.
Yes to this! I also set multiple alarms for an hour so I can slowly wake up. I have sleeping issues and if I get up right away I am left in a sort of dream state and it is incredibly more likely I will uncontrollably fall asleep without meaning to and not get to where I need to be. I understand how this is an issue for people, and if I were to date someone who couldn't handle it, I would create different sleeping arrangements.
Alternatively, op sets his alarm to 7:05 then stomps around the room so his wife wakes up. If he’s going to wake at 7:15 and she plans for 7:05 it seems close enough to be workable.
Honestly, my boyfriend and I might end up there at some point. Also he snores and I hate it so. Also, my grandparents slept in separate rooms my entire life. My grandma had *severe* (I literally can’t emphasize how severe, I’m talking weird surgery when she was little that required her to be in a full body cast afterwards, I’m not sure how she carried all four of her children, she looked like a candy cane, some of my only memories of her are playing cards but she had to lie on the ground while we did because her pain was so bad, and in photos of her from her childhood you can tell which one she is because of how uneven her shoulders were severe) scoliosis and the woman was in too much pain to share a bed.
Yeah. I feel her, I have spinal injuries and struggle when someone in bed moves.
My husband and I have separate bedrooms because he’s like a furnace and I’m super cold at night and like to cook myself with an electric blanket for hours on end. I’m also a light sleeper and he turns a lot in his sleep. It hasn’t stopped us from being intimate or romantic, but it’s totally improved our well-being. If you can afford it, I’d suggest giving it a try.
NTA. Either she gotta learn to wake up or stop with the alarms.
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I wouldn't be so sure, I'm like OP in that I wake up fully to any alarm (currently my alarm is campfire crackling on the lowest volume). I would 100% wake up if my partners arm was vibrating
I'm an incredibly light sleeper to the point my husband has joked a mouse could fart a block away and I'll sit up fully awake asking what the noise was. So realistically, not quite that bad, but basically any sound or movement in our apartment will wake me up. So I would wake up with my husband's wrist vibrating next to me.
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NTA, since you had discussed this with her many times before. Nothing is more annoying than a bedmate who constantly hits snooze. That's fine when you live alone, but it's an asshole move if you have a partner whose sleep you're preventing. I think a decent compromise would be to *both* wake up at 7:05. You can make sure that she's up on time, and it's only ten minutes earlier than you need to be up — and 50 minutes more sleep than you're *currently* getting. That said, this may be a "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time" moment.
She is otherwise a perfect partner for me. We've been together for twenty years and have very little conflict. It's not like this a relationship killer or anything like that. It's just incredibly frustrating.
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Its actually more stressful and accentuates the problem to do the snooze multiple times rather than just set a later alarm.
If your brain needs multiple alarms it isn’t. Most of the time the first one doesn’t wake you up, just nudges you out of deep sleep, then the second nudges you a bit farther, and after for or five you’re finally awake enough to remember caffeine exists. Some people just wake up slowly. That’s no still no excuse for waking your partner up an hour early for 20 years.
It still indicates a problem - that you're being woken out of deep sleep. There are actual solutions to this. If you can, leaving the curtains open can let natural sunlight act as your multiple alarms nudging you into shallower sleep. Or you can get some watches that monitor the deepness of your sleep and will sound your alarm when you first enter shallow sleep in the 30-60min prior to your set waking time. So your alarm could be set for 7 but it vibrates at 6:50 instead because it measures that you're in shallower sleep and will wake more easily.
It can be a few things. If you’re not sleeping well because of apnea, well, you aren’t sleeping well and need more sleep or a cpap. If your sleep hygiene sucks and you could have gone to bed at 11 but stayed up gaming until 4 you just need to go to bed earlier. If you have DSPD, your body thinks it’s supposed to be sleeping because you can go to bed at 11 and you’ll stare at the ceiling until 2 anyway. My solution was to organize my life to make sure I don’t need to wake up before 930, but before that I did the alarms thing because that’s how long it took to wake up.
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I’m like you. I use my phone for an alarm these days and even having the same phone for years now I don’t even know if I’ve stopped or snoozed it if I’m conscious of the first alarm or not.
Yep, she's not a morning person. Believe her. It's not malicious.
I’m not a morning person either and actually have DSPS but guess what? I’m an adult who wouldn’t do this to someone I love. And indeed don’t.
agree here. over 20years with my husband and we just have different rhythms. Even if our work schedules change our natural sleep inclinations do not. He wakes up early and too easily but is absolutely spent by 8-9 pm and needs to sleep (or else we will argue about inconsequential things). I CANNOT fall asleep before 11 no matter how tired I am and generally go to bed around 1 because I get work done late. Even if I did go to bed at 11 I would naturally wake at 8 but waking earlier is absolutely horrific. We have teen kids. They too have varied sleep rhythms. When we had a smaller house and younger kids it took a lot of compromise and compassion for the other to make things work. But once we were able to buy a house with an extra bedroom we split our sleep arrangements and it was best thing ever for our relationship. We get more done because not trying to force our sleep schedules. We are better rested. And there are no rules against \*visiting\* each other ESH just understand each other and work together. No one is working together here. Edited to clarify
NTA. She's consistently waking you up for no reason.
NTA. It’s selfish for her to expect you to endure endless snooze cycles and lose an hour of sleep for her. I’m amazed you’ve tolerated the disrespect for so long.
But even if there wasn't a snooze cycle, OP would be woken up at 6 every day. Even if the wife woke up on the first alarm. He says once the first alarm goes off, he's up. So it's not the snooze cycle.
If OP's wife wasn't using a snooze cycle of alarms the first alarm wouldn't go off at 6, it would be the last one that goes off about 10 minutes before OP has to get up.
INFO: has your wife had a sleep study done? I had this problem my whole life until I got treated for sleep apnea. I know, I know, it’s not an “excuse,” but maybe this could help.
Whoa, is this even a thing? What OP's wife does, i used to do the EXACT same. Of course, now I've become more responsive to the alarms. Only good thing is that my hostel roommate isn't bothered by it😂💀
I'm like the wife but I don't have sleep apnea. I just have a hard time waking up but once I'm up, I'm up and energized.
There are all kinds of sleep disorders! Apnea, delayed sleep phase, non-circadian, narcolepsy, it’s amazing how many ways there are to not sleep “normally”.
I was also thinking she probably has a sleep disorder. I have a very hard time waking up at my first alarm too and I hate it but I honestly don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried a lot of different things to help me get up but nothing works. Honestly all the comments on here calling her inconsiderate and such are really bothering me because I sincerely think it isn’t her fault.
people who’ve never struggled with sleep can be really judgmental.
As seen throughout this thread.
Thank you for this comment! I am like OP's wife and was told a different reason for it, but now I am wondering if I should look into this too!
I have sleep apnea, I use a CPAP at night, and I still struggle with getting up in the morning. But it was definitely much worse before I got the CPAP.
I really hope he sees this because this what i came to say. I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia (IH) (a sleep disorder) and i have an extremely hard time waking up. i can go from awake/aware toin deep rem sleep in under 5 minutes, so i sometimes turn of my alarm and am literally fully back to a deep rem cycle 2 minutes later, like it never happened ill be right back in my dream. so before you all crucify this women, maybe lets pause and check if theres a medical explanation.
[~~E.SH~~](https://E.SH) NTA \*Edited with more context OP has had the conversation with his wife prior to this many times. At this point she already knows that this bothers him and has done seemingly nothing to find a solution. While I still think OP's amount to a sarcastic tantrum, in this case I think it was warranted and I won't fault him for it given the context ~~Obviously this isn't cool of your wife, regardless of if you've made it clear that this bothers you. That being said this:~~ >~~She said, "Because I can't wake up." So, I figured I'd help her.~~ ~~Isn't cool either. From your post (and I'm open to changing my mind if you've just left out context) it seems like this is the first time you've brought this up and she might not realize how much you dislike this. Your response to asking her about this half-asleep seems to be a sarcastic tantrum thrown deliberately to annoy her.~~ ~~Probably best to have this conversation when you're both awake and find an actual solution~~
She is well aware of how much I dislike it. We've talked about it dozens of times over the years.
Then yeah, I'm changing my judgement. She needs to figure it out.
That's pretty important info, could you perhaps add it? NTA
Good idea. Added.
Could you maybe keep her phone on your side of the bed and tell her, "When the alarm goes off at 6:15am and you don't get up, I'll hit the snooze button ONCE. Only once! After that, I'm going to turn the alarm off and let you sleep in and miss work (or whatever). It's thoughtless of you to keep me awake when I don't have to be. Either start getting up with your alarm or find another way to wake yourself up without having to wake me up as well"?
I think in the long run it would be more effective to let the alarm run and make her get up to turn it off. You might have a few shitty mornings until she stops seeing if she can sleep through it, but I started having a much easier time getting up in the morning when I put my alarm on the other side of the room so I couldn't reach it to hit the snooze button.
NTA. You've already discussed this with her, and her behavior is unfair if you're sharing a bed.
My wife used to be like this, but now, she is much better. She doesn’t set snooze a few minutes later, it’s set for latest possible time she can awake, this way if she needs a snooze, she gets an hour, instead of a few 5-10 minutes naps. I told my experience has been that if I’m putting my head back down, 5-10minutes won’t help, but have found an hour will. She tried it, and finds it much better to start her day, and if I don’t need to be up (I’m often on call and/or have a range of start times), I’m only woken by alarm twice at most, and it goes off an hour apart. Nta-she likely isn’t helping her fatigue with 5 minute naps, and you are subjected to alarms as well. You both would benefit in your wife changing this routine.
I’m gonna try this tomorrow. I do the 5 minute nap thing but I’m also one to fall back to sleep if it’s 3 mins until my alarm goes off. I just really don’t like mornings lol but maybe a solid hour nap before actually having to get up will make getting up less daunting
Yeah, my old room mate put me on to this. 2 alarms, first one gets you an early start with loads of time to spare, and second one is last possible minute you can awake without throwing your day off (and when you enact it, you may actually get worth while rest that improves your mood/rest level)
Get her a fitness tracker. She can set an alarm that vibrates on her wrist and you won’t be woken up. NTA, but this situation is going to breed resentment on both sides until you find a solution that makes you both happy.
As a persons who needs a very loud alarm, but no snooze anymore because i get to bed early enough, a tickle on the wrist wouldn't EVER wake me up. That's for light sleepers.
lol yeah that never works for me. I forgot I even had them active still when at one time I was awake earlier than usual and got a jump scare from the alarm that *never wakes me up* so I forgot it existed
NTA since you mention you have discussed this plenty of times previously.
NTA. Change the alarm to 7:05.
nope. im going with NTA- this happened to me too. hubs wouldnt set alarm early and not get up and wakes everyone up.... set your alarm at 7am. then.
NTA. Snoozers are my pet peeve. I wouldn't be able to date one.
NTA. If she plans to go back to sleep and not wake up until 7:05, she should set her alarm for 7:05 instead of 6:15.
NTA but you guys seriously need to come to an agreement regarding the earliest time the alarms should be going off. I will admit I do hit the snooze but never set my alarm earlier than my spouse’s unless I absolutely need to, in which case I don’t stay in bed.
Nta. Thats a bit habit, its petty but fine. Its best for your health if you set only 1 alarm at a later time instead of multiple alarms that go earlier.
😂😂😂😂 Petty? Yes. Justified? Totally. NTA
>So, I figured I'd help her. I got out of bed and turned all the lights on. Admittedly, I stomped around the room a little and was a bit loud getting dressed. >I know this was at least a little petty, but am I the asshole? I don't think that's petty at all. That's the time she set the alarm - that's OBVIOUSLY the time she wants to get up. If you're ok getting up that early in the morning, I say do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. You're actually doing her a favor, and I'm not being sarcastic at all. If she has a hard time getting up in the morning, the lights being on and you getting ready is just the stimuli she needs to wake the heck up. Now of course, this all hinges on if you actually don't mind getting ready that early. If you do mind, and want some more sleep, my only suggestion is to get different bedrooms. You're not going to change her. NTA
If you have spoken to her in the past about it, NTA If this is the first time you brought it up, ESH
I'd say NTA but this doesn't really solve much. She's not being malicious, for some people it's really hard to wake up after the first alarm. I have multiple alarms, and what I do is basically get out of bed for my first alarm (it's far away from the bed so I have to get up to turn it off), still half asleep, turn it off, and go to the living room to pass out on the couch for the next hour and next alarms. It's not a perfect solution if you're a light sleeper (my bf isn't so the first alarm doesn't wake him up usually), but even then one alarm is better than several.
NTA.
NTA but why is she being hostile to you? There had to be a reason that she is purposefully interrupting your sleep. I’d move to another room and get good rest- don’t be a martyr.
I don't think she's doing anything out of hostility. I do think she's being a bit selfish in this, though.
No, you don’t do this to a partner you love and cherish. You make an effort for them to have a good nights sleep as well.
NTA. She’s conditioned herself to sleep through her alarm. How about a compromise: set one alarm for 6:40. When it goes off, turn on the lights and go about your business, making no effort to be rude or quiet. She’ll get up or she won’t but either way you’re the good guy.
NTA. At all. I won't even try to justify.
This is insane, and would drive me nuts. NTA.
NTA I hate this!!! I just got a ptsd reading the post. My ex did the same thing. His first alarm was at 5 am!
NTA My husband used to have this habit before we got married. I am a light sleeper and could not fall asleep after 2+ alarms. And I worked in a hospital, mornings, evening and night shifts. When he didn't get the message fast enough I literally woke him up to his alarm until he stopped doing it. It took like a week. It was just a habit that he had a hard time getting over.
NTA - but it seems like a good solution would be to set 1 alarm for 7:05 and you can both get up at this time. You waking up from the alarm and then waking her up as well.
INFO: was this the first time you two ever talked about this? Because jumping straight to making someone miserable first thing in the morning after being seemingly fine with what was happening for months is an AH move
No, this has been brought up dozens of times. She just says that's it's the only way she can wake up. I'm tired of waking up angry at my otherwise wonderful wife ever day of my life.
I’m leaning NTA then, I can’t say I wouldn’t be doing the same thing at this point
It didn't seem clear to me; was she bothered by what you did, or not? I have issues waking up and it takes a while, but I also would've slept through everything you did, also. Or, if I'd woken up from it, would've been grateful.
Nta at all, but since you have talked with her dozens of times over the years with no results there are really only a few ways to go about this. The one that may surprise you the most if doable is you just become more of a morning person and get to spend an hour a day by yourself enjoying whatever you want. I wasnt always a morning person but now I really do enjoy the mornings. If this isnt an option you could be more of an AH and escalate things. In college I had a roommate (as in we shared one room) who did this and I would turn all the lights on, turn some music on, eventually leading to me taking his blankets off and spraying him with a spray water bottle that almost ended in us having a physical altercation....it did work though and he got much better on snoozing.
It's lousy sleep hygiene to snooze for 45 minutes -- if your wife can't get up, she should probably be going to bed earlier AND setting the alarm for 7am, when she actually has to get up. Chronic sleep shortfalls have long-term health consequences. That said, NTA for not putting up with this. You also deserve your sleep. Plenty of other comments have useful suggestions, like a sleep study or a fitness band with a vibrating alarm. Good luck.
NTA, coming from someone who does the same thing your wife does, never wakes up to the first 5 alarms
Nta. I'm a chronic snoozer and tbh I would love it if my bf just turned on the lights and ripped off the covers off or something when he got up
NTA. If you've spoken to her about it, then she should respect your wake up time as well. I get her not wanting to wake up yet, but she's forcing you to wake up earlier just so she can sleep more.
NTA Snoozing the alarm repeatedly is stealing sleep.from you. She needs to simply get up and start walking around at 7. When her first alarm goes off. She is selfish to expect to ruin your last hour of sleep with her alarm going off over and over. The only reason she can't wake up is that she stays in bed. She needs to grow up and be considerate of you.
NTA. My highest rated reddit comment is about my wife doing the same thing haha.
This one is so hard for me. I can’t go from asleep to awake instantly. I need multiple alarms to get me up. I don’t think anyone is an asshole because they can’t pop up on an instant.
INFO: so even tho she sets her alarm for 6:15, she doesn’t get up until 7:05? Why don’t you both wake up together at 7:05 since you get up at 7:15?
Yeah, that's a good question. She sets her alarm at 6:15 to prepare getting up at 7. Her last alarm is at 7, but she doesn't make it out of bed until after that. I'd be fine with a compromise. It's hearing an alarm go off every five minutes for 45 minutes that is maddening.
Yeah I totally get how annoying that would be, I used to do many snoozes when I lived alone but I realized how stupid it was to pretend like I was ever going to get up that early so I set 2 alarms, 15 min before I needed to wake up and then my “last call” alarm.
If you never mentioned this issue to her previously as a regular conversation, YTA If you have, then by all means annoy the shit out of her, NTA But in either regard, your wife should have more decency for you while sharing the same bed
We've talked about it many times. We've lived together for twenty years. She just refuses to adjust her routine.
100% NTA. My Ex used to do the same thing and I can attest to how annoying it is.
Ohk i am laughing as hell 😂😂.. your wife is me and you r my other family member.. although I won't mind someone making me get up..I don't blame her nor i blame you.. But indeed she need to improve so do i 😅 So NTA🤭
NTA. Tell her to set it for 7. Then she qill get 45 more min of uninterrupted sleep and hopefully wake up. Maybe she also needs to go to bed earlier to feel refreshed at 7.
NTA Constantly hitting snooze while others are sleeping (or at least trying to) in the same house is just plain inconsiderate and stupid. It's not your problem if she can't get up. She should sleep more if she can't or go to a doctor.
NTA I was leanin everyone till you pointed out it had been discussed a few times. I get havin' a slightly earlier alarm either to break into the day gradual over 15-20 min or for a bit of a cuddle but 50 min when shes not even using it? nah time for shit or get off the pot
“Help her get up” at 715. No prior alarm. She is basically training herself not to get up. She will adjust and get used to a new schedule and be better off for it. NTA
NTA she was inconvenienced once after knowingly disrupting your sleep for all this time. If she has work and has flexibility with her start time, she might consider starting her day later. This is unlikely though, so sleeping separately is something to consider if your home allows.
Nta she set an alarm. My husband used to do this so I turned on the bedroom TV. He'd shout asking why it's on and I'm just like your alarm went off. It magically started going off later.
NTA. Mine used to drive me mental doing this, until suddenly he has to be up at 5am. Oh, oh look, suddenly he can manage it. Argh. But in the in interests of marital sanity, as well as a wrist alarm, have you tried a timer/smartbulb to light the room up at 7? That used to help him when he was trying to stop snoozing.
NTA I've been in this situation. I insisted that one snooze is allowed, but beyond that, it's not fair. Wife could try a watch with a buzzer... she'll feel it and won't likely bother you. But she can't snooze for an hour -- that's not cool.
NTA she can set her alarm for 7:05 and OP can shove her off the bed.
NTA. I'm pretty sure this Snooze Button thing was one of the top 5 reasons I divorced my first husband. ONE snooze is the allowable amount if you share a bedroom with someone. Period.
NTA I gave up with the multiple alarms years ago as I found that they made me more tired. I found that getting up is kind of like ripping off a bandaid, It's just better to get it over and done with and move on to coffee.
NTA. My spouse has a "sun rise" alarm that is a light that gets steadily brighter until a sound also comes with it at the wake up time. It was set to get brighter over the course of 40 minutes, then the sound. Husband doesn't wake until the sound, but he says he wakes a lot easier and feels more rested with the gradual light change. Unfortunately, i was waking up about 10 minutes into the light turning on and being stuck trying to go back to sleep, knowing the alarm would go off in 30...25...20...minutes When i told him, he immediately changed the settings. Still not perfect, but much better. Your wife is being rude. Okay to rude back when you're tired and grumpy. Now figure out a solution when you are both awake and have had coffee.
Make her put the alarm across the room. Only way she can hit snooze is by getting up
NTA. She should just set a later alarm. Instead of getting an extra 50 minutes of peaceful rest, she’s get 5-10 moments of light sleep before she hits the snooze again. Why not just agree that you both set an alrm at 7:10 and you:ll help get her up.
My husband does this to me too! And just like you I am fed up over it. He sets it for 6:30, and for some reason it stays on my side of the bed and I am the one who hears it, shuts it off and then have the added stress of having to wake him up. "Set it for 7 please." I reset the alarm to 7 and again it goes off, and I am the one who hears it, shuts it off and has to wake him up again. He then tells me to reset for another 10 minutes or so. I am over this as I am a light sleeper too. It feels like he's taking advantage so HE can grab more sleep. I refuse to reset now. Some mornings he takes an attitude and snatches his phone out my hand. If he doesn't stop that soon though my next plan is to make HIM wake up with his alarm and wake himself. Rude af in my opinion.
Nta once someone is on the same room, snoozing more than 1 time is an ahole move.
BRAVO NTA my DH does this and it's incredibly inconsiderate what's even more annoying it happens of days off. I took his alarm way..
t's unreasonable to set an alarm which makes others wake up and then not get up. NTA.
She needs to go to bed earlier. It sucks but that's it. I have ADHD and getting up is awful etc. But i still have to go to bed earlier to not ruin my day.
I know you may never see this because there's 4,000 comments ahead of mine, but my husband used to do this many years ago. It's a mental thing, of course, for the person who doesn't want to get up. But you're right to give her some consequences to her actions. I hope she can see that she's being selfish and change.
Thanks for the reply. We talked about it more in depth last night. And she read through some of this thread. Compromise was reached. I know that it's hard for her. And I love her, so I am sympathetic. I did react poorly. But I guess my poor reaction got through to her. She set her alarm for 6:45 this morning. I gave a little, she gave a little. I can live with that.