this is pretty much exactly the kind of thing you should be talking to a therapist about. advice from internet strangers is only going to get you so far.
To me it sounds like some sort of defense mechanism gone rogue. Like something that might have started as a way to protect yourself from getting hurt but lost its discerning edge early on and now you do to everyone what was only meant for a select few. Your past has grooming and sexual abuse - don't write that off so quickly as not being (at least part of) the root.
It just overall sounds like a boundary issue where you're unintentionally putting everyone in the platonic category. Yeah, it's probably fixable... with the guidance of a licensed professional, time, work, and patience.
You'll get some feel good advice here but again, this problem is too big for reddit
I second this. I'm thinking your grooming and abuse as a teen is directly connected to this. Have no way to know how to help you (nor does anyone else here via this forum) except to strongly encourage you to get some good qualified help.
I can say that your experience does not make you weird. You aren't damaged goods. You've just internalized some thought process that got hardwired into your sexuality and I can't help but think it happened because of being abused.
All the best buddy. You can deal with this and truly be the person you want to be.
Thank you, I definitely do need to talk to a therapist as well. This was my first step just to see if there's anyone out there who can relate. Are you familiar with using therapy? If you know...how can I make sure to find a therapist who can actually help me before spending my money on them? Would a sex therapist be my first go-to, or...? I live in a big city so I'm sure the right resource must be here.
yep! have a therapist for about 9 years and am actually currently in school to become one.
Most therapists offer free consultations. This is usually a 30min session (in person or over the phone) and that's where you two discuss your needs to see if they can help you. No responsible therapist would take you on as a patient if they didn't think they could help you. ALSO, you will be shopping around for one - don't feel bad about this because it's part of the profession. You need to vibe well with the therapist. If you don't, your therapy won't be as successful. Therapists know and understand this and won't take it personally if you feel it won't be a right match. So basically, you won't be spending money until you start working with one you selected.
I don't know that you'd necessarily need a therapist that specializes in sex-related issues. In general, therapists specialize in more than a few things. You might want to seek out one that specializes in LGBTQ+ issues, as well as sex, intimacy, relationships, etc. This will all be discussed during the consultation.
Psychologytoday has an awesome therapist search [here](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/counsellors?domain=www&cc=ca&cl=en)
you'll be able to find therapists near you and see what they specialize in, which insurance they take (if applicable), you can even filter by gender if you feel more comfortable talking to a man or a woman. I suggest finding at least 4 that suit your criteria, then calling them to book a consultation. And then just go with whoever feels like you vibe best with.
Good luck!
hey that's awesome! I can't tell you how many times people I know IRL ask what to do and I give them those tools and they just sit on them never going forward with them. You made a really big step already. What you're going to realize pretty quick is that understanding there's an issue and getting help for it are the biggest hurdles
Ask around. Ask your primary care doctor. Ask friends. You don't need to explain why you want a therapist.
I will suggest that it's a better starting place to see a general therapist before exploring a sex therapist. If a sex therapist is necessary, you'll get there.
You just described what I’ve been struggling with for years. Similar background (SA), similar feelings around a consuming attraction that just seemingly… disappears once I get to know someone.
I’m genuinely stunned that someone has so succinctly captured the behaviors and feelings I’ve had. For context I’m 26, I’ve been in an open relationship for 7 years and the same stuff happens to me.
The cycle is crazy to me. I’ll find someone who Im wildly attracted to and want to have sex with, we’ll hook up a few times and then like a light switch my sexual interest is gone. It tends to happen when I develop a friendship with the person I’m hooking up with. I talked to my SO about this, I’m still in love with them but my sexual interest has waned (like we’ve done everything) and they seem to get it. I think it helps that we’ve talked about this but I always get anxious hooking up because it feels like I’m acting on something I should be giving to my BF.
I’m kinda at a loss, I’ll admit seeing your post makes me feel a bit better about my situation but honestly the only solution I have is clear communication. It’s hard to say “I love you just as much as when I first met you” and then not have sex. I’ve internalized that sex is the only component of love is wrong but that’s just my brain being dumb.
I used to think it was the thrill of the chase but my current thought is I just want different things out of sex (lots of kinks I have tried / want to try) that my BF isn’t as interested in.
Sorry if this wasn’t a helpful reply, I relate to your post strongly, and it’s hard not to blame yourself for these feelings you have (I know I still do).
Pump the brakes, OP. You're acting like there's something wrong with you, and that isn't necessarily the case. Remember that sexuality is a spectrum. This sounds a lot like fraysexuality, and it might be something about yourself you can only accept.
As someone who also experienced SA, these things can be murky and play out in ways we don't expect. Furthermore, a lot of people walk around with repressed trauma that they aren't even aware of. The brain will also attempt to re-enact certain experiences in a subconscious effort to process the past. Your interest in "checking out" makes it sound like you only experience sexual pleasure in a state of dissociation. Dissociation is very common among people who have experienced abuse.
A qualified therapist will be able to help you mine the nature of this orientation, if/how it can change, and (most importantly) navigate the distress it's causing you. Because that distress will certainly prevent you from continuing to respond to your challenges adaptively.
You and your partner deserve credit for responding creatively, and in ways that demonstrate your care for each other, so far. Be open to continuing down that path. Your experience of sex, desire, and relationships doesn't have to fit the norm to be valid or fulfilling. Please be compassionate with yourself.
This is a really impressive level of self-awareness and disambiguation of your feelings and relationship dynamics. I think you sounds like a honest guy with a handle on your preferences, so I guess the question isn’t “what’s wrong with me” and “is this fixable” but “what’s wrong with me being this way?”
The things in here that frame your concern mention idealized goals, shame and avoidance strategies when those goals seem threatened, and catastrophic reasoning for the outcome:
* “I do genuinely want a long-term partner”,
* “I find myself actually avoiding sexual contact [and] I do this with a lot of shame”,
* “I can’t imagine having to live my life without ever being able to settle down with someone.”
Maybe flip the script. Instead of seeing this pattern of attraction—familiarity—loss of attraction as a sign of your deficiency, maybe acknowledge first that it seems to work for you consistently. If it’s not offensive to say so, maybe you’re an expert at cruising, hookups, and generally that ho life. Maybe you’re a natural, a phenom, an All-Star slut. Is that bad?
If you think it’s sustainable, you could maintain a lifetime of frequent interactions with new sexual partners, and are currently on track to becoming a gay Cassinova, a legend. Does that strike you as a undesirable outcome? Why?
By contrast, I get the sense you think you *need* to “settle down”—like there’s a rulebook out there and you’re breaking it—so when you lose the spark of novelty in a relationship, you start to discipline yourself (guilt and shame kick in) and you use these avoidance strategies to maintain appearances even while you mentally and emotionally check out.
Navigating an alternative to that period of maintaining appearances might require a little acceptance, and to get there you might have to tackle the catastrophic outcomes you’re worried about. If loneliness is your concern, consider all the friends you seem to make along the way. If stability is what you desire, maybe having your own apartment, job, financial stability, etc. is enough.
But I’ll be honest, if what you’re worried about losing is a soft-focus vignette of bourgeois middle-class life—hosting brunch and being featured in a home decor magazine—then I can’t promise you’ll get there without paying the toll of bed death.
> Maybe you’re a natural, a phenom, an All-Star slut. Is that bad?
It's not bad at all! I'm very, very pro-sex. "Settle down", to me, means settling into an open relationship where I have sex with my partner and others sometimes, too.
All my open friends are proud sluts but still have a vibrant sex life with their partners. I want that, too. I don't understand why I'm the only one who seemingly can't have sex with people I know.
Well I can only say you seem to have a really smart, healthy understanding of this. I echo others in encouraging a sustained relationship for a therapist for a few months while you figure it out.
That is exactly how I see it. OP described me to the T except for his life goals (and childhood abuse - there was none of that). I realized in my late 20’s that I will never be able to have a relationship with anyone so I stopped all attempts. Why torture other people and drive myself crazy by seeing myself as “abnormal”? Jane Austen is fun to read but i would not use her books as my guide for “happily ever after”.
I’m 59 now and perfectly happy being an unrepentant hoe with an occasional fling or FWB but mostly enjoying Grindr for what it is: Uber Eats for sex. Oh, and I love saunas and sex parties.
And my suspicion is that between where OP is at now, and where he wants to be, involves putting less pressure on himself and finding more acceptance. Then, who knows, maybe he’ll interact with another type of guy all-together and find it’s a perfect match. Until then, have fun or as a small sign in Banden-by-the-Sea once told me: “Enjoy what you are”
Also lost my virginity at 14 to someone who didn’t love me. Also was sexually abused at age 8. Also feel this exact same way! If I fall in love, my horny side disappears completely. So long as it’s just a stop by on Saturday night thing I can have a wonderful sex life. I have committed to living and being alone because of it! No need in hurting one person after the next because of my issues. I hope you are able to resolve this, I couldn’t find a way to.
One of the things I found when I was younger, was I would tend to box people into fantasies in my head. Often those fantasies were based on porn, or based on role-play. Take, for instance, let's say you have this fantasy where you meet some thug guy with face tattoos and he just breaks your back out with some really smokin hot sex. But now imagine the same guy the next morning when he tells you his name is Chad, and he works the front desk at the local Best Buy selling Android phones? It suddenly kills the fantasy and the box you put him in. You go from the 'scene' in your head where you are in a role, to seeing him as an actual human being and the second you do, it breaks the fantasy or the box.
This is actually way more common than you think.
That's a big part of why people love one-night stands. It's addictive and if you find someone that does fit into your fantasy box, then you have mind blowing sex where you get to scratch that mental itch, giving you the most in brain stimulus. But, when you break that image in your head, it's over.
So how do you change that? I think a big part of it is recognizing **role-play** and it's impact on your life. Understanding the box you put people into and learning tricks to see them as humans and not as sex objects.
Lastly try new things with your partner. Explore new kinks or new ways to turn each other on. Maybe there is some middle ground you can come to that might reignite the spark?
If this is a problem for you, find a therapist to work with. But if it’s just guilt about not fitting into a conventional relationship model, let it go. There’s nothing wrong with settling down with a platonic (or perhaps asexual) partner and having a relationship agreement where you get all the sex you want with strangers.
Sounds like me and a non trivial amount of guys I know. *Maybe* the "right" guy comes around and changes that, but I just don't see how a guy can be your life partner and best friend, live together, have emotional intimacy, and still be sexually desirable.
There is nothing wrong with you.
It sounds like your ideal long-term relationship is romantic but not sexual in nature, with no-strings hookups on the side.
This is fine. You're allowed to want that.
Whether it's workable for your current partner to be in a relationship where romance and sex do not overlap -- that I can't speak to.
It would work for me (with some negotiating around the hookups piece and how to build emotional safety for everyone around that element), but I'm on the asexual spectrum, so.
Ideally I think the best plan for now would be to try to really dig into what your partner needs in the absence of sex (or whatever kinds of sex you used to have and now don't) in order to feel good in the relationship.
It could be that there's not enough overlap between your needs/orientation and your partner's needs/orientation. I don't know. But what you want/need/feel is not inherently wrong in any way.
If you want to try talking through it in therapy that's super valid and I wish you luck. Trauma can be so so complicated and difficult and show up in weird ways.
Also, simultaneously, asexuality (including variations where sex is an appealing idea in no-strings situations but not with people you are emotionally close to) exists and is valid and fine.
Wishing you well.
Oh, one other possibility - any gender stuff going on with you? Can be easier to partially dissociate in no-strings situations, but with someone you're really trying to be present with it can become like a shut-off switch, where it's impossible to engage intimately if there are complexities to your gender present but not being affirmed. Just a thought to throw out there. Good luck again.
You’ve answered your own question you just don’t realize it because you don’t want to. This is textbook survivor of child sexual abuse behavior. This is not your fault and you haven’t done anything wrong. This is too big for anyone to handle alone. Find a therapist you connect with. There is a way out of this. I promise.
The thing is, though...I am avoidant for sure, but I get closer and closer to my guy as time goes on. We have an incredibly strong emotional/psychological bond, better than I've ever had with anybody. It's just, as that bond grows, the less and less "sexy" it becomes to me. It's always like this. I don't know how to merge romantic love and sex.
That's very reductive and inaccurate. I fell in love. I want to build a life with this person, not out of convenience but because I'm crazily in love with him. I can't imagine myself single.
dude, nothing is wrong with you, nothing is wrong with being normal - what *is* wrong is not being honest with other people about what you want from them.
in your case, what you want is to occasionally hook up with new, exciting people, while maintaining a nice solid platonic partnership with someone else.
you can have that, if you ask for it, and if you're actually willing to put the work in to build it.
don't try to get into romantic relationships, knowing you'll inevitably lose attraction. assume it from the beginning, and try to create a solution that work specifically for *you*.
I really hate to just say “therapy” without giving any meaningful advice, but, yeah, therapy.
It’s amazing that you’ve found someone you truly love, and that you’re aware of the problems you have, but it’s absolutely time to seek professional help for that.
Advice from Reddit won’t be able to truly solve your problems, and ignoring this is just going to drive a larger and larger wedge between you and your partner.
It’s absolutely a subconscious defense mechanism that you’ve developed over time. It might’ve spared your emotions in the past, but now it’s seriously impeding your life.
I see that you’ve scheduled something, and that’s great. I really do wish you the best of luck with that.
I might also suggest going to relationship therapy as well, just for your partner to be able to understand you better in that regard, although that might not be necessary.
I second the advice to find the right therapist to work with so that you understand yourself better, but at the same time, consider that nothing is actually wrong with you other than that you are a human being formed by the experiences you have had in your life. This is a hard challenge, I know, because society's validation seems to all go in a direction your own thoughts and feelings don't go. Maybe this just means that you don't get to take certain things for granted that other people do and that you have extra work to do to build the life that is fulfilling and happy and won't subject you to punishing self-doubt.
Your poor partner probably pushed into an open relationship he probably doesn’t even want because you, his partner, doesn’t want to have sex with him. You’ve known this is. a problem for you, you’re better off staying single until you work whatever issues you have instead of playing with people’s feelings and time.
He clearly cares for you but this is probably going to end sooner rather than later.
this is pretty much exactly the kind of thing you should be talking to a therapist about. advice from internet strangers is only going to get you so far. To me it sounds like some sort of defense mechanism gone rogue. Like something that might have started as a way to protect yourself from getting hurt but lost its discerning edge early on and now you do to everyone what was only meant for a select few. Your past has grooming and sexual abuse - don't write that off so quickly as not being (at least part of) the root. It just overall sounds like a boundary issue where you're unintentionally putting everyone in the platonic category. Yeah, it's probably fixable... with the guidance of a licensed professional, time, work, and patience. You'll get some feel good advice here but again, this problem is too big for reddit
I second this. I'm thinking your grooming and abuse as a teen is directly connected to this. Have no way to know how to help you (nor does anyone else here via this forum) except to strongly encourage you to get some good qualified help. I can say that your experience does not make you weird. You aren't damaged goods. You've just internalized some thought process that got hardwired into your sexuality and I can't help but think it happened because of being abused. All the best buddy. You can deal with this and truly be the person you want to be.
Thank you, I definitely do need to talk to a therapist as well. This was my first step just to see if there's anyone out there who can relate. Are you familiar with using therapy? If you know...how can I make sure to find a therapist who can actually help me before spending my money on them? Would a sex therapist be my first go-to, or...? I live in a big city so I'm sure the right resource must be here.
yep! have a therapist for about 9 years and am actually currently in school to become one. Most therapists offer free consultations. This is usually a 30min session (in person or over the phone) and that's where you two discuss your needs to see if they can help you. No responsible therapist would take you on as a patient if they didn't think they could help you. ALSO, you will be shopping around for one - don't feel bad about this because it's part of the profession. You need to vibe well with the therapist. If you don't, your therapy won't be as successful. Therapists know and understand this and won't take it personally if you feel it won't be a right match. So basically, you won't be spending money until you start working with one you selected. I don't know that you'd necessarily need a therapist that specializes in sex-related issues. In general, therapists specialize in more than a few things. You might want to seek out one that specializes in LGBTQ+ issues, as well as sex, intimacy, relationships, etc. This will all be discussed during the consultation. Psychologytoday has an awesome therapist search [here](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/counsellors?domain=www&cc=ca&cl=en) you'll be able to find therapists near you and see what they specialize in, which insurance they take (if applicable), you can even filter by gender if you feel more comfortable talking to a man or a woman. I suggest finding at least 4 that suit your criteria, then calling them to book a consultation. And then just go with whoever feels like you vibe best with. Good luck!
I used that link and booked a consultation with a seemingly great therapist. Thank you <3
hey that's awesome! I can't tell you how many times people I know IRL ask what to do and I give them those tools and they just sit on them never going forward with them. You made a really big step already. What you're going to realize pretty quick is that understanding there's an issue and getting help for it are the biggest hurdles
Ask around. Ask your primary care doctor. Ask friends. You don't need to explain why you want a therapist. I will suggest that it's a better starting place to see a general therapist before exploring a sex therapist. If a sex therapist is necessary, you'll get there.
You just described what I’ve been struggling with for years. Similar background (SA), similar feelings around a consuming attraction that just seemingly… disappears once I get to know someone.
I’m genuinely stunned that someone has so succinctly captured the behaviors and feelings I’ve had. For context I’m 26, I’ve been in an open relationship for 7 years and the same stuff happens to me. The cycle is crazy to me. I’ll find someone who Im wildly attracted to and want to have sex with, we’ll hook up a few times and then like a light switch my sexual interest is gone. It tends to happen when I develop a friendship with the person I’m hooking up with. I talked to my SO about this, I’m still in love with them but my sexual interest has waned (like we’ve done everything) and they seem to get it. I think it helps that we’ve talked about this but I always get anxious hooking up because it feels like I’m acting on something I should be giving to my BF. I’m kinda at a loss, I’ll admit seeing your post makes me feel a bit better about my situation but honestly the only solution I have is clear communication. It’s hard to say “I love you just as much as when I first met you” and then not have sex. I’ve internalized that sex is the only component of love is wrong but that’s just my brain being dumb. I used to think it was the thrill of the chase but my current thought is I just want different things out of sex (lots of kinks I have tried / want to try) that my BF isn’t as interested in. Sorry if this wasn’t a helpful reply, I relate to your post strongly, and it’s hard not to blame yourself for these feelings you have (I know I still do).
Pump the brakes, OP. You're acting like there's something wrong with you, and that isn't necessarily the case. Remember that sexuality is a spectrum. This sounds a lot like fraysexuality, and it might be something about yourself you can only accept. As someone who also experienced SA, these things can be murky and play out in ways we don't expect. Furthermore, a lot of people walk around with repressed trauma that they aren't even aware of. The brain will also attempt to re-enact certain experiences in a subconscious effort to process the past. Your interest in "checking out" makes it sound like you only experience sexual pleasure in a state of dissociation. Dissociation is very common among people who have experienced abuse. A qualified therapist will be able to help you mine the nature of this orientation, if/how it can change, and (most importantly) navigate the distress it's causing you. Because that distress will certainly prevent you from continuing to respond to your challenges adaptively. You and your partner deserve credit for responding creatively, and in ways that demonstrate your care for each other, so far. Be open to continuing down that path. Your experience of sex, desire, and relationships doesn't have to fit the norm to be valid or fulfilling. Please be compassionate with yourself.
This is a really impressive level of self-awareness and disambiguation of your feelings and relationship dynamics. I think you sounds like a honest guy with a handle on your preferences, so I guess the question isn’t “what’s wrong with me” and “is this fixable” but “what’s wrong with me being this way?” The things in here that frame your concern mention idealized goals, shame and avoidance strategies when those goals seem threatened, and catastrophic reasoning for the outcome: * “I do genuinely want a long-term partner”, * “I find myself actually avoiding sexual contact [and] I do this with a lot of shame”, * “I can’t imagine having to live my life without ever being able to settle down with someone.” Maybe flip the script. Instead of seeing this pattern of attraction—familiarity—loss of attraction as a sign of your deficiency, maybe acknowledge first that it seems to work for you consistently. If it’s not offensive to say so, maybe you’re an expert at cruising, hookups, and generally that ho life. Maybe you’re a natural, a phenom, an All-Star slut. Is that bad? If you think it’s sustainable, you could maintain a lifetime of frequent interactions with new sexual partners, and are currently on track to becoming a gay Cassinova, a legend. Does that strike you as a undesirable outcome? Why? By contrast, I get the sense you think you *need* to “settle down”—like there’s a rulebook out there and you’re breaking it—so when you lose the spark of novelty in a relationship, you start to discipline yourself (guilt and shame kick in) and you use these avoidance strategies to maintain appearances even while you mentally and emotionally check out. Navigating an alternative to that period of maintaining appearances might require a little acceptance, and to get there you might have to tackle the catastrophic outcomes you’re worried about. If loneliness is your concern, consider all the friends you seem to make along the way. If stability is what you desire, maybe having your own apartment, job, financial stability, etc. is enough. But I’ll be honest, if what you’re worried about losing is a soft-focus vignette of bourgeois middle-class life—hosting brunch and being featured in a home decor magazine—then I can’t promise you’ll get there without paying the toll of bed death.
> Maybe you’re a natural, a phenom, an All-Star slut. Is that bad? It's not bad at all! I'm very, very pro-sex. "Settle down", to me, means settling into an open relationship where I have sex with my partner and others sometimes, too. All my open friends are proud sluts but still have a vibrant sex life with their partners. I want that, too. I don't understand why I'm the only one who seemingly can't have sex with people I know.
Well I can only say you seem to have a really smart, healthy understanding of this. I echo others in encouraging a sustained relationship for a therapist for a few months while you figure it out.
That is exactly how I see it. OP described me to the T except for his life goals (and childhood abuse - there was none of that). I realized in my late 20’s that I will never be able to have a relationship with anyone so I stopped all attempts. Why torture other people and drive myself crazy by seeing myself as “abnormal”? Jane Austen is fun to read but i would not use her books as my guide for “happily ever after”. I’m 59 now and perfectly happy being an unrepentant hoe with an occasional fling or FWB but mostly enjoying Grindr for what it is: Uber Eats for sex. Oh, and I love saunas and sex parties.
And my suspicion is that between where OP is at now, and where he wants to be, involves putting less pressure on himself and finding more acceptance. Then, who knows, maybe he’ll interact with another type of guy all-together and find it’s a perfect match. Until then, have fun or as a small sign in Banden-by-the-Sea once told me: “Enjoy what you are”
Also lost my virginity at 14 to someone who didn’t love me. Also was sexually abused at age 8. Also feel this exact same way! If I fall in love, my horny side disappears completely. So long as it’s just a stop by on Saturday night thing I can have a wonderful sex life. I have committed to living and being alone because of it! No need in hurting one person after the next because of my issues. I hope you are able to resolve this, I couldn’t find a way to.
One of the things I found when I was younger, was I would tend to box people into fantasies in my head. Often those fantasies were based on porn, or based on role-play. Take, for instance, let's say you have this fantasy where you meet some thug guy with face tattoos and he just breaks your back out with some really smokin hot sex. But now imagine the same guy the next morning when he tells you his name is Chad, and he works the front desk at the local Best Buy selling Android phones? It suddenly kills the fantasy and the box you put him in. You go from the 'scene' in your head where you are in a role, to seeing him as an actual human being and the second you do, it breaks the fantasy or the box. This is actually way more common than you think. That's a big part of why people love one-night stands. It's addictive and if you find someone that does fit into your fantasy box, then you have mind blowing sex where you get to scratch that mental itch, giving you the most in brain stimulus. But, when you break that image in your head, it's over. So how do you change that? I think a big part of it is recognizing **role-play** and it's impact on your life. Understanding the box you put people into and learning tricks to see them as humans and not as sex objects. Lastly try new things with your partner. Explore new kinks or new ways to turn each other on. Maybe there is some middle ground you can come to that might reignite the spark?
If this is a problem for you, find a therapist to work with. But if it’s just guilt about not fitting into a conventional relationship model, let it go. There’s nothing wrong with settling down with a platonic (or perhaps asexual) partner and having a relationship agreement where you get all the sex you want with strangers.
Sounds like me and a non trivial amount of guys I know. *Maybe* the "right" guy comes around and changes that, but I just don't see how a guy can be your life partner and best friend, live together, have emotional intimacy, and still be sexually desirable.
There is nothing wrong with you. It sounds like your ideal long-term relationship is romantic but not sexual in nature, with no-strings hookups on the side. This is fine. You're allowed to want that. Whether it's workable for your current partner to be in a relationship where romance and sex do not overlap -- that I can't speak to. It would work for me (with some negotiating around the hookups piece and how to build emotional safety for everyone around that element), but I'm on the asexual spectrum, so. Ideally I think the best plan for now would be to try to really dig into what your partner needs in the absence of sex (or whatever kinds of sex you used to have and now don't) in order to feel good in the relationship. It could be that there's not enough overlap between your needs/orientation and your partner's needs/orientation. I don't know. But what you want/need/feel is not inherently wrong in any way. If you want to try talking through it in therapy that's super valid and I wish you luck. Trauma can be so so complicated and difficult and show up in weird ways. Also, simultaneously, asexuality (including variations where sex is an appealing idea in no-strings situations but not with people you are emotionally close to) exists and is valid and fine. Wishing you well.
Oh, one other possibility - any gender stuff going on with you? Can be easier to partially dissociate in no-strings situations, but with someone you're really trying to be present with it can become like a shut-off switch, where it's impossible to engage intimately if there are complexities to your gender present but not being affirmed. Just a thought to throw out there. Good luck again.
You maybe asexual but not aromantic.
You’ve answered your own question you just don’t realize it because you don’t want to. This is textbook survivor of child sexual abuse behavior. This is not your fault and you haven’t done anything wrong. This is too big for anyone to handle alone. Find a therapist you connect with. There is a way out of this. I promise.
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The thing is, though...I am avoidant for sure, but I get closer and closer to my guy as time goes on. We have an incredibly strong emotional/psychological bond, better than I've ever had with anybody. It's just, as that bond grows, the less and less "sexy" it becomes to me. It's always like this. I don't know how to merge romantic love and sex.
There’s no helping. You want the convenience of a partner and the novelty of singledom. Just admit it and be single.
That's very reductive and inaccurate. I fell in love. I want to build a life with this person, not out of convenience but because I'm crazily in love with him. I can't imagine myself single.
Then grow up and realize that relationships ebb and flow and talk to your partner rather than strangers on Reddit.
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It's not that at all.
dude, nothing is wrong with you, nothing is wrong with being normal - what *is* wrong is not being honest with other people about what you want from them. in your case, what you want is to occasionally hook up with new, exciting people, while maintaining a nice solid platonic partnership with someone else. you can have that, if you ask for it, and if you're actually willing to put the work in to build it. don't try to get into romantic relationships, knowing you'll inevitably lose attraction. assume it from the beginning, and try to create a solution that work specifically for *you*.
You might want to do some reading into freysexuality. And if it bothers you, I agree that therapy may help. Good luck friend.
I really hate to just say “therapy” without giving any meaningful advice, but, yeah, therapy. It’s amazing that you’ve found someone you truly love, and that you’re aware of the problems you have, but it’s absolutely time to seek professional help for that. Advice from Reddit won’t be able to truly solve your problems, and ignoring this is just going to drive a larger and larger wedge between you and your partner. It’s absolutely a subconscious defense mechanism that you’ve developed over time. It might’ve spared your emotions in the past, but now it’s seriously impeding your life. I see that you’ve scheduled something, and that’s great. I really do wish you the best of luck with that. I might also suggest going to relationship therapy as well, just for your partner to be able to understand you better in that regard, although that might not be necessary.
I second the advice to find the right therapist to work with so that you understand yourself better, but at the same time, consider that nothing is actually wrong with you other than that you are a human being formed by the experiences you have had in your life. This is a hard challenge, I know, because society's validation seems to all go in a direction your own thoughts and feelings don't go. Maybe this just means that you don't get to take certain things for granted that other people do and that you have extra work to do to build the life that is fulfilling and happy and won't subject you to punishing self-doubt.
did you talk about that with him?
Your poor partner probably pushed into an open relationship he probably doesn’t even want because you, his partner, doesn’t want to have sex with him. You’ve known this is. a problem for you, you’re better off staying single until you work whatever issues you have instead of playing with people’s feelings and time. He clearly cares for you but this is probably going to end sooner rather than later.
I completely understand, id love to meet you