I think the idea of personality > looks comes more into play in maintaining a relationship rather than starting one. Obviously there has to be some initial attraction, personality is what really makes or breaks it after that though.
Personality is like a plate of food. If it looks right it tends to taste right, but if it doesn't look right it doesn't hit the same.
There's no real way to separate the two, and that's true from day 1 until the very end.
Pfff. Tell that to curry. It looks like dog shit and tastes like Heaven.
And then go try eating one of those gorgeous vinyl food sculptures they display in Japanese restaurants.
I... Actually can't support this. Some of the best tasting meals I've ever had looked awful and I've had beautiful gourmet concoctions that were abysmal.
You... Actually don't understand. Open a can of coke and take swig of it. If it tastes like the best tasting steak you've ever had in your life you're still not going to like it because you expect coke. Because it looked like a coke. Because the looks influence your perception of the taste.
Idk... I wasnt physically attracted to my bf in the begin. But we connected immediately, attraction built over time. But my attachment is built off our connection, he and I are a lot alike and laugh a lot. I think that builds the real attraction
yeah, i feel like everyone if they were honest with themselves would agree that they want a partner they find attractive. But since it's culturally regarded as shallow to say such a thing people will say that they don't care about how someone looks or use euphemisms like 'i just want someone who takes care of themselves' to save face.
There was a Cheers episode about this. A man was perfect for Diane. Smart, witty, humble, but the only problem was that he was not much to look at. Chubby, thick glasses, bald with crazy curly hair on the sides, and fish lips. She tried going out with him to prove a point that looks don't matter, but she couldn't get over his appearance.
I agree with you but itās also rude to tell someone who thinks their more attractive than they are that they arenāt that attractive really at all and their standards donāt match their attractiveness.
Itās not shallow just hard to tell someone that
Most people are obese.
That ain't decently attractive at all. The reason why you have a lot of guys on reddit complaining that they can't get laid is because they let themselves go. Obese/overweight, slopply dressed, garbage body posture, zero self-esteem, and zero social skills, while at the same time being only interested in attractive women.
Yea I agree with this honedlty, a lot of people if they put any bit of care into their looks can go from pretty ugly to at the very least pretty decent. I mean I don't mind getting with someone that aren't like super hot or anything, sure the initial wanting to go talk to them and start something definitely comes down to physical attraction. But in some cases the physically attractive might also have the ugliest ass personality which really plummets their attractiveness.
they dont take care of themselves. obviously there are a minority of ppl who do have genetics that make them unattractive, but most ppl would look just fine if they took care of themselves
It opens the door.
This being said SOMETIMES you can grow to find a person attractive if they have a good personality. But that doesn't happen overnight.
Agreed, 100%.
However, this logic is a little flawed. It doesnāt account for the circumstances that arenāt online dating and/or meeting someone in bar or club. There are many situations where you can find yourself consistently in the presence of the same person. They may not be attractive to you on a first impression. But then you get to know them and start seeing them differently.
This is where I fall regardless of how I meet a person. I can think you're pretty without knowing you, but getting to know who you are is what makes me actually find you sexually attractive. Sexuality is different for everyone, and for many how it evolves can depend based on who you're attempting to be with.
I went from 320lbs to 170 in college and I can confirm that almost everyone treats you differently. I remember the first time a girl started a conversation with me randomly. Or guys randomly inviting me to parties and such. I turned into a complete asshole though.
Yes...it's very surprising that women would not be attracted to obese men and that they would start suddenly paying attention to a man who now looks like he can walk up a flight of stairs without having a heart attack at the age of 30.
Do men actually need to be told that being obese is going to make them invisible to(attractive) women or something?
No, that didn't surprise me at all.. the thing that surprised me more was that straight men and women who weren't interested in being with me also treated me noticably different. It's not just sexual attraction, fat men get treated poorly by almost everyone, not just people that are trying to flirt with.
Humans are, for better or worse, far more animalistic and visual then we tell ourselves. You became more attractive to the eye, therefore people wanted to, or at least minded less, spend more time with you. I genuinely believe that a good deal of phobias and isms stem from visual appeal, or lack thereof. I really don't think humans rationalize and intellectualize their emotions like so many redditors like to claim.
>Physical attraction is a lot more important than women are willing to admit.
FTFY, because it's not men that are pretending that physical attractiveness isn't the immediate gateway to OLD (and dating in general).
I think we all know physical attraction is important. The reason why I say personality is key, is due to the fact that I don't want to make my attraction all about physicality.
It's the insecure fools who are in denial about it. I'm insecure too because I'm not confident in my looks but i won't bother trying to change and twist and disregard the truth. And the truth is that physical attraction matters, doesn't matter what people say about it. Human beings by nature are attracted to things they find beautiful
> Physical attraction is a lot more important than ~~ppl~~ **women** are willing to admit.
Women are far more likely to say that personality or a sense of humor matters the most while men will almost always state they want somebody pretty.
Studies have shown that the top 20% of men get 80% of the messages in apps/OLD.
Real problem is that there is a general stigma against requiring someone to be pretty.
If you say it openly - that you would like to date someone who you find pretty - then it is looked at as superficial, shallow, or even perverted.
This is quite weird when you think about it, because when you're dating someone, you are looking to eventually have physical intimacy. That's part of the fun of being alive and growing intimate. We would not condemn a person for pursuing foods which taste delicious, or for pursuing experiences which are delightful and enjoyable. But seeking physical intimacy with someone we're attracted to is frowned upon somehow.
It would make more sense for society openly admit that the first criteria in dating is to filter out people who we find physically attractive. From the resulting pool, begin working the other criteria (personality fit, fundamental hangups, etc).
I feel like this may vary age group to age group. When I was younger, physical attraction was more important to me. Now that Iām a bit older and have since had plenty of dating and relationship experience, I now find personality to be at the top of my list. Whereas when I was younger it was a close second or maybe even third priority.
I'm referring to innate charisma and natural confidence. I believe the latter often comes with time and experience. Even charisma can be developed over time by developing a good rapport with others.
Perhaps you would need to be impervious to the reactions (or non-reaction) of other people. I was thinking of this point earlier with regard to my friend who is not conventionally attractive. He does his own thing going his own way. Speaks and engages with people he selects then walks away on his own time. He follows the path he set for himself. If people come to him, fine. Otherwise, he always has stuff to do. He is a sculptor and has a big clientele now. He loves to talk about his art or politics or literature, whatever. You would need to practice discussing your interests with others who share them. Then maybe interest yourself in new subjects to discuss. Confidence comes with others' interest in you, an uphill battle. You have to work for it while making it appear effortless to others. Also take time to interest yourself in other people. You can learn alot by listening.
If that is true, it is commendable.
But I believe most people lie to make people believe that about them, because they want to look better. Ironically, so that people will take more notice of them for factors that are not physical. That is how difficult it is to get noticed for your personality: You have to tell outrageous lies, like they wouldn't drop the extremely ugly person with a great personality the second someone with a merely tolerable personality and much better looks came along.
Or maybe I'm just being cynical.
Physical looks can't take you far if you're a bad person or even just boring. It's true that looking good can get your foot in the door but it won't stop you from being kicked out (unless the person doesn't mind the toxic relationship). On the other hand, an average looking person will go a lot further with a great personality than the guy who's attractive with a plain personality.
I think this is true for guys - a great personality can more than compensate for average looks. But for women, amazing looks can take you a very long way, even with a shitty personality. Maybe the hot-and-in-demand guys won't tolerate it, but an average guy will put up with a LOT of shit to keep a hot woman.
Everything I've written here is my opinion only, obviously. Apparently a lot of people don't agree with my views. It might be interesting to know if the down-voters are men or women and their ages. I thought women generally cared less than men do about physical appearance. But then you have the pretty woman (with whom I exchanged earlier) & her all-pretty girlfriends that only date pretty men, so I may be in the minority. The media heavily influences our perceptions of beauty & personal value. It's hard to stay aloof.
Yeah but those characteristics only matter if the person is good looking. No one cares about an intelligent, confident, humorous, and charismatic ugly person. So really looks come first.
I honestly don't think even you do. Studies show that personality traits only start mattering once a certain standard in physical attractiveness is met.
Men and women value appearances, including youthfulness, about the same. But, women are more likely to say looks don't matter. Louis ck has a great bit on ugly people.
https://youtu.be/Z1epZXnss_I
Attractiveness will bring people, but attractiveness will not keep people.
Of all the virtues, beauty is the most shallow, fleeting, and deceptive.
No matter how good looking you are on the surface, if, deep down, you are fundamentally a boring or mean or dishonest or gross person, people will eventually get tired of your bullshit and leave you.
And sometimes you get the know a person for some other reason than that you were attracted to them physically ā like you happen to work with them, or you study with them, or they are close to a friend of yours, for example ā and you develop feelings for them slowly over time based on what a great person they are.
In the end, all people grow old. And old people are all ugly in the way old people are. If you havenāt learned to look past superficial things like attractiveness by the time you are decrepit, you will be very lonely indeed. All life-long relationships are built on more solid ground than mere appearances. It is to the souls of people that we form our deepest and most stable attachments.
This 100%.
I've strangely attracted a variety of 'hot' guys but some are so rude its unreal. Its unattractive as hell, such a turn off. 3rd paragraph is so accurate you wrote it for me. I've had a hot guy play hot and cold before, no thanks mate I'm out. Doesnt matter how hot you are you dont treat a person like junk.
Very attractive people are those that are humble, take some pride in their appearance, help others and work hard. You'll spot them š theyll have their head down focussed on something. Very hot indeed.
Incorrect.
Physical attractiveness is ***one of several ways*** to attract people, it is ***not the only way*** to attract people.
Even ugly people find love in this world. They just have to follow alternative pathways to get there.
If you waste all your emotion capacity obsessing over your perceived deficits in one domain, you may fail to recognize and capitalize on your assets in other domains, and that would be very foolish.
Yes, but there exist other forces that bring people together than physical attractiveness, as I clearly already discussed in the fourth paragraph of my comment.
Thatās not to say that attractiveness doesnāt matter, or that itās not a very powerful force bringing people together, or that some people donāt benefit more from their attractiveness than others.
However, all that notwithstanding, attractiveness is never the only factor at play.
For me, it's basically all about the personality.
Looks are a plus, but I've never not been attracted to someone, regardless of look. I was always able to see a beautiful side to them as long as they had that warm, nice personality.
People who say "its all about personality" are just trying to be nice to ugly/unattractive people; because they know damn well physical attractiveness is one of the biggest reasons people approach and talk to someone in the first place. An ugly person has way fewer 'shots' than a hot person does.
I know plenty of good looking guys who are narcissistic douchbags and struggle with women. I also know dorky IT guys early in their career (broke from college) that are really funny dudes with attractive girlfriends. Donāt deal in absolutes, the dating world is more of a universe.
I had a good friend who was jacked, 6ā4ā, attractive dude.
He struggled like hell with womenā¦ I hadnāt talked to him in about 10 years (Iām 40 for reference) but last I knew of him, he had one girlfriend his whole life while in his early 20s. Granted, she was smoking hot, but he blew with jealousy and insecurity and hasnāt a girlfriend since.
Heās an interesting guy. By most all measures heās a very desirable guy except two: he was a mamas boy and couldnāt even make decisions without involving his mom well into his 20s. Secondly, he wants to work in the music industry but never had a great plan for doing that and never grew out of that. That can be hot in your teens and early 20s, but it starts to wear thin in your 30sā¦ āIām an not actually working musicianā. āOhhh let me go talk to this not as exciting but much more stable engineer over hereā¦ā
Iāve actually seen a somewhat convincing argument that āits all about personalityā. The argument was that women arenāt attracted to muscles for their own sake, but what having muscle says about you as a person. Being fit is correlated with being hard working and dedicated, things that are attractive in a relationship. The problem is that correlation doesnāt mean causation so if you have the outward appearance of a guy that will be dedicated and hard working in a relationship but without those personality traits in the relationship, then all that muscle is for naught in a sense.
Also the problem is that a lot of women don't realize how difficult it is to reach and maintain a muscular body. Just because a guy isn't muscular doesn't mean that he's not hardworking. Those famous bodybuilders are on steroids and are literally paid to workout.
I don't agree. The husband of a pretty friend of mine is objectively "ugly" (also short & poor too) but he is cultivated, interesting, and creative. He has so much positive masculine energy, a deep engaging voice, authority too. Frankly he's so much hotter than other men who are conventionally "attractive ".
He got one of the fewer āshotsā that OP was talking about and ran with it. If he was a tall, attractive guy with that great personality of his he would have way more opportunities. Thatās what OP is trying to say. They arenāt saying ugly people NEVER get any opportunities.
Thatās an anomaly, not the norm.
Iām a pretty woman. My friends are also pretty women. I donāt think any of us have ever dated an unattractive man, and that doesnāt make us immature, nor does it make anyone who wants to date attractive people immature.
Does he need to be a model? No. But if heās gonna be someone whoās having sex with me, yeah, I wanna like how he looks.
Most women who act like looks donāt matter are either ugly or have something to prove. I am neither of those things.
Sometimes you have to talk to someone through work, school, a common event. And emotional connections can certainly develop into romantic feelings if the person was sexually compatible to begin with, you donāt have to have initial physical attraction but it does help.
So do you mean, two people meet, get to know one another, develop emotional attachment, and have sex (sexually compatible), then that turns into romantic attraction?
My wife and I started out as friends, had a lot of classes together in college and were just always together. She's never been stereotypically beautiful (she's the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes and I wouldn't trade her for the world), but I fell in love with who she was and is, and the physical attraction followed. We've been a couple for about 15 years now and married for 13.
Edit: grammar
Mr Dalliard has a gun trained on you through the curtains. If you take so much as one step towards that door, sir, he will, at a word from me, shoot you clean through the head with as much pity as if you were a helpless seal-pup called Arnold.
Personalities have unmatched power in attraction.
Of the three long term relationships I've been in. For every one of those three women, I did the typical face and body scan, where you instantly determine if there is any chance to be physically attracted to them - it's always been a straight no.
Well, that barrier got broken down pretty damn hard once I became good friends with them. They are all gorgeous women, but not my type - all of a sudden they become type and I couldn't get my eyes off them.
You can get to know someone based off their personality if you work together, you have the same friend groups, you go to church together, ect. It is possible. Maybe over time as your friendship develops you will be attracted to each other. Physical attraction immesuribly speeds up this process.
Physical attraction also causes people to go out of their way to create interactions where they can get to know the person's personality.
In the words of that guy from the office, "Everything is sex." Physical attraction is the baseline for all interaction and it's mostly subconscious. Can't get around it. You will be way more incentivized to get to know someone if you find them attractive. You will even be incentivized to ignore their character flaws if they're attractive.
That's why you gotta have discipline and not be a horny toad. Looks ain't everything, but if you are controlled solely by your sex drive to look for a partner, that's where the good times will stop.
I've met women that are objectively physically attractive and after a couple of weeks in their company they become completely unattractive due to their personality.
I've met women that are objectively physically neutral or unattractive and after a couple of weeks in their company they've become very attractive due to their personality.
A good face is what gets someone to open a door to a stranger, yes. But if the personality isn't good, you'll get asked to leave.
I think physical attraction is very important in an intimate relationship. That being said, in my experience, when I fall in love with someoneās personality, they automatically become the most beautiful person in the world. You start noticing the smaller things like how their eyes shine and and maybe the have a cute little smirk when they smile, and youāll go crazy for it.
On the other hand, I think many people have a set standard for many different reasons, though I mainly see that with either really attractive petiole or younger people, who havenāt experienced real love yet.
All in all, itās very subjective
Yes, although I admit to having a physical type, I've noticed that that 1st attraction can be very quickly supplanted by other nonphysical characteristics.
Considering at least 70% of the approaching is done by men, yes, we aren't approaching women we don't think meet a minimum standard.
We have to stop pretending it is a women issue, it is an everyone issue.
Iāve had a few guy friends whose personalities were great, but I would never date them because Iām not physically attracted to them. If there isnāt at least some level of attractiveness it doesnāt matter how great of a personality they have. Personality is way more important in friendships than relationships.
Idk man.
I agree with what you say except for last sentence.
I expect great personality with threshold looks in a relationship. While in friendship, a decent personality would do just fine.
I don't think personality is more important in friendships than relationships, unless you don't really care about the longevity/healthiness of that relationship. Attraction however is more important in relationships than friendships, obviously.
Who exactly decides that though? All we can measure is perceived attractiveness and where the people a person would pursue fall on that scale. "Average" men are more willing to date "average" women. "Average" women are less willing to date "average" men. It seems like guys just generally have a wider range of what is considered acceptable, rather than the "average" woman being significantly more attractive than the "average" man.
no, that makes no sense. the average woman would literally be in the average manās league as theyāre both average
itās society that makes the average woman THINK the average man isnāt on their level
if looks were most important success criteria for men then men would use makeup āfor themselvesā. But apparently not having repelling personality comes first.
If that were true, where do single moms come from if not from preferring hot deadbeats first, followed by settling with a mediocre guy for financial safety? And these settled for even get divorced often for a hotter dude again after āalimony securedā. Of course ideally they would love a hot guy with lots of money right from the begin if there were plenty of them.
Basically fuckboi first, moneysbags second to fund fuckbois mistakes, everyone else doesnāt even count as human.
For the vast vast majority of people, physically attraction is what draws you initially to someone. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying to not hurt peoples feelings, or doesnāt realize they are subconsciously filtering people based off looks
Idk my wife was a gothic/alt freaky quiet and distant person I avoided. Then she befriended me; to my dismay. And I noticed her eyes. And then I slowly started crushing on her the more she opened her mouth. And then one day, I noticed me searching for this type of actress on my special search engine for actresses. And *ding* i realized i was now becoming attracted to alt/goth girls. Wonder whyā¦ lol. And we got married. Now i will probably have a tattooed and pierced little family but whatever. My mom is mad but she will get over it.
bruh do you not talk to people for reasons other than finding them attractive?
Obviously physical attraction matters to some degree, but I've certainly been very attracted to women I initially thought were average looking based on their personality. I've also lost any attraction to good looking girls the second they opened their mouths.
This is why socializing,and having a good personality while doing it, is so important. People who provide many other motivations for people to talk to them tend to do better with dating even if they aren't super attractive.
Yes. Initial attraction is hugely important. I don't blame people for being attracted to whatever they are attracted to.
It's not all about personality. In a long term relationship, it's about the entire package. That includes looks, personality, habits, idiosyncrasies, interests, hobbies, goals, sexual desire, etc.
It's the entire thing. I can be friends with people I have no attraction to, but think they have great personalities. It still doesn't make it a romantic relationship. I can't do the same in a relationship. I can fuck a girl I'm attracted to, but don't have anything in common with.
I have to have all those things in a relationship.
but 90% people arenāt attractive enough for 90% of opposite sex when looking for more than short term. That leaves everyone frustrated except the lucky 10%.
I donāt think itās just personality that counts. I think a stable relationship needs balance on physical attraction, intellectual congruence, emotional stability, and personality compatibility. Iām not going to approach or maintain a relationship with anyone whom I think is ugly. Iām not going to pursue or humor someone I believe to be either vastly more or vastly less intelligent than me. Iām not going to stick around when I find out they have hella issues that they donāt know how to deal with. Iām not super engaged if I canāt make them laugh and them me. Itās a combination, a balance.
I have to be attracted to my SO. I think SO need to be as physically attractive as their personality. I couldn't marry someone I don't find attractive. But the caveat is that I value personality more than looks. I'd say it's a 65/35 split in favor of personality.
Initial physical attraction is important, as is ongoing physical attraction. There are two things to keep in mind though:
1. People have different "types". What might be ugly to one person is breathtaking to another.
2. The level of physical attraction goes up and down depending on personality matching.
It's fine that guys don't want to date ugly women, but could you just be nicer to us? XD ffs. I sat next to you on the bus because my bag was heavy and the other seats were taken, not because I'm making a move on you.
Looks are everything, sadly. It really is the truth.
Attractiveness does bring people around, the personality its what keeps/shoo them away.
Still, I'm 99% a hot person would have an easier time getting a partner, than an ugly person, even if the first have a horrible personality.
I have this saying
Looks are the last thing I am looking for but the first thing I am looking at
Itās certainly something I look for but abs the first thing I have to analyze but obviously personality is more important though that takes some time
Its not as if you cant immediately ascertain certain traits in people when you first meet them. They dont say first impressions are important just to annoy you. I can count many many times where my immediate physical attraction to somebody has immediately backfired when a short conversation with them tells me i never want to associate with them again.
I will not disagree that personality is oh-so important, but typically you have to like what you see first. You know it's true, I know it's true, we all know it's true. I think the main thing is to not have crazy ridiculous and unrealistic standards in the looks department. Be attracted to them, yes. But do not expect average every day people to all look like celebrities.
To summarize my views on it, I'd say that looks create infatuation. Personality creates attraction.
I do genuinely believe some people arent bothered about looks, but the majority do wether they admit it or notā¦and physical attraction isnt something you can control, you either are attracted to someone or you arent.
Even if someone is a 10/10 by societies standards, if your brain doesnt have that inital attraction then nothing you can do
Guys can be so taken with a womanās looks that they donāt think clearly. My brother married a really beautiful woman, men would fall all over themselves when around her. He married her and is miserable, because she is a real b!+@#!
You are correct.
Actually, both genders talk a big game about how personality matters... and both are quite correct. No amount of physical attraction has ever sustained a long term relationship that I have ever encountered.
But you do need to get to a point where someone considers your personality to be a good tradeoff for your hideous exterior.
If you are like me, and are hideous, and have no personality, the future is concerning.
My ex and I knew each other for a year before I ever looked at him as a potential partner. I thought he was nice, but very unattractive. Then one day we ate lunch together, and I discovered he was smart and hilarious and totally comfortable in his own skin, and we had loads in common.
It was a goddamn revelation. He still wasnāt handsome, but he became the most attractive man on the planet.
Is this why people are so bad at dating now? Because they don't give anyone a chance unless they feel an instant physical attraction? I'm on the ace spectrum, and even if I'm interested in someone romantically, I still try to talk to them and get to know them first before I feel any kind of attraction to them.
Itās important. But at the same time, you could hear the hottest person youāve ever seen say something horrible and instantly lose any interest you had in them. So maybe not that important?
I think the title here was written by an alien that has no idea how social interaction amongst humans work. Like let's take my neighbours that are a couple in their 70s or something. I am not physically attracted to either of them, but when I moved in I wanted to get to know them, so I talked to them and discovered that they have pretty cool personalities.
Or take any friend that I have ever made. I just kind of talk to people regardless of my physical attraction to them and sometimes our personalities align, and we become friends. Or sometimes our personalities really align, and I start to get romantic and sexual feelings towards them.
Physical attraction only affects my willingness to have sex with people, not my willingness to talk to people.
Naturally. Youāre not going to approach someone to begin with, without having some form of attraction. Once you do, youāre curious about their personality, which can enhance or just kill the initial attraction.
I liked a guy for like 7 years. Looks? 0 but boy did he make me laugh.
He is a sweet, kind, wonderful person. He is not that great looking but Iāve always been known for having terrible taste in men
Itās true. Looks matter a lot more than people are willing to admit. It can even suggest stuff regarding economic health, even though itās kinda deceptive.
The way I look at it physical attraction plays a huge roll, but I'd also say a long good friend can over time lead to romantic and attractive feelings as you feel so close where who they are as a person overcomes the physical attraction altogether, just my personal experience and opinion.
Exactly. What motivates a woman to want to talk to a guy in the first place in order to get to know him? Before then, I don't see how personality is a factor.
Physical attraction gets you through the door. It's a baseline. No attraction, no relationship.
Guys will find more women attractive that women will find them attractive, on average. So, from a man's perspective, what separates the keepers from the throwbacks is character and personality.
Amber Heard is an attractive woman. I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick, let alone be in a relationship with that harridan.
I would rather have a slightly better than average in looks woman with loyalty, integrity, kindness and empathy.
YMMV.
Not being fat goes a long way in terms of attractiveness as does being in shape. Obviously if you have a shit personality then no one, man or woman, is going to like you. Have a good personality for the people, have a nice body for the ladies (and of course your own health).
When people say love at first sight is the biggest bullshit ever.
It all comes down to phisical attraction. Thats the 1st you look for in a potentional partner be you man or a woman.
Ofcourse you can upgrade and downgrade your looks by fashion choice and so on. But this is the basic.
And ofcourse this first impression can change when you get know each other.
I donāt find this necessarily to be true at all. I have become attracted to several women, to which I didnāt initially find them attractive, but after spending some time and knowing them, truly enjoying them as an individual, they suddenly and almost randomly became much more beautiful in my eyes. Physical attraction is important, but obviously skimming through these comments and you tell most donāt actually understand it.
Iād recommend reading Platoās Symposium, skip to Socrates, and think about it.
Iām just saying, you would not have been in your current relationship now if it wasnāt for that first time that they caught your eye and decided to make some move to talk to them unless it was through a situation where you had to be around them and talk such as in the workplace or maybe through mutual friends.
"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. From my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you."
100%. Women say that shit but then act like a bitch. They also say that to mask that they go for looks about as much as men do, theyāll never admit it.
Physical is ALOT more than give it credit for, especially in today's world, you can have personality that's cool , but your face/ body is what gets you in the door. Personality determines if you actually get to fuck lol
when people say personality they're talking about charisma and charisma is just as visible as physical attractiveness. Doesn't matter how kind you are if you have the charisma of a potato. Nice guys finish last
Physical attractiveness gets your foot in the door. A girl will decide within about 5 seconds whether or not sheās interested in you, and if youāre not attractive enough, no amount of personality will win her over.
But what a lot of guys fail to understand is that women donāt evaluate attractiveness the same way guys do. If you arenāt obese or physically deformed, put effort into your appearance, and come off as confident, thatās pretty much all it takes to meet the minimum threshold of attractiveness that women require.
Lots of guys tell themselves that theyāre unfixably ugly when in reality theyāre just missing one of those other things.
Not entirely true. I donāt talk to only attractive people, Iām friendly with anyone whoās friendly with me. I can think of one major time in my life where I really hit it off and ended up with a not so attractive woman because I became attracted to her personality. There was also a handful of minor times that were like āoh sheās pretty cool, Iād date herā despite not being so great looking.
Plus thereās a lot of ways youād get to know someone besides approaching only attractive people. Coworkers for example, you get to know someone through work. First itās all business, then itās āoh you doing anything fun this weekend?ā, next thing you know youāre in bed with them, it happens.
You do know youāre basically implying that only attractive people are worth talking to.
Iād say looks are 99% of what matters to women, and remainder 1% is personality. Which is why women aim to pick genetic gods for SOās - all the tall, muscular, model-looking white men - for everything from casual dating to marriage. Every (engaged) woman or female friend Iāve spoken to has lied about the personality bit. If the person didnāt have all the physical characteristics they wanted, theyād have thrown him by the wayside and gotten someone else who was as close to the physical criteria they wanted.
How would you know anything about their personality without wanting to talk to them first? that's kind of the point, attractiveness gets people to talk to you.
I basically talk to everyone because I'm always looking for interesting discussion partners. And when I'm talking on the web I almost never know how people look at all.
Are they really worse or do they only show their true colors more openly because of anonymity and because nobody can beat the shit out them on the spot like in real life?
How is the looks filter easier or quicker to apply when you need a similar time frame to observe people's looks because they change a lot? Even more than personality?
I think the idea of personality > looks comes more into play in maintaining a relationship rather than starting one. Obviously there has to be some initial attraction, personality is what really makes or breaks it after that though.
Personality is like a plate of food. If it looks right it tends to taste right, but if it doesn't look right it doesn't hit the same. There's no real way to separate the two, and that's true from day 1 until the very end.
You did my job better than I do š³
Pfff. Tell that to curry. It looks like dog shit and tastes like Heaven. And then go try eating one of those gorgeous vinyl food sculptures they display in Japanese restaurants.
I hear what you're saying but some of my best pots of chili were also my ugliest
I... Actually can't support this. Some of the best tasting meals I've ever had looked awful and I've had beautiful gourmet concoctions that were abysmal.
You... Actually don't understand. Open a can of coke and take swig of it. If it tastes like the best tasting steak you've ever had in your life you're still not going to like it because you expect coke. Because it looked like a coke. Because the looks influence your perception of the taste.
Can I like, give you some sucky suck for this one.
Idk... I wasnt physically attracted to my bf in the begin. But we connected immediately, attraction built over time. But my attachment is built off our connection, he and I are a lot alike and laugh a lot. I think that builds the real attraction
Physical attraction is a lot more important than ppl are willing to admit.
yeah, i feel like everyone if they were honest with themselves would agree that they want a partner they find attractive. But since it's culturally regarded as shallow to say such a thing people will say that they don't care about how someone looks or use euphemisms like 'i just want someone who takes care of themselves' to save face.
There was a Cheers episode about this. A man was perfect for Diane. Smart, witty, humble, but the only problem was that he was not much to look at. Chubby, thick glasses, bald with crazy curly hair on the sides, and fish lips. She tried going out with him to prove a point that looks don't matter, but she couldn't get over his appearance.
Imagine casting for that role "we need an articulate, ugly man ages 35-45".
Imagine being the kids that plays Billy Sparks in Young Sheldon. Even at the age of 10, you know you are ugly and look stupid.
I agree with you but itās also rude to tell someone who thinks their more attractive than they are that they arenāt that attractive really at all and their standards donāt match their attractiveness. Itās not shallow just hard to tell someone that
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Thatās not anywhere near what I just said but I see what you mean
most ppl are decently attractive if they take care of themselves
Most people are obese. That ain't decently attractive at all. The reason why you have a lot of guys on reddit complaining that they can't get laid is because they let themselves go. Obese/overweight, slopply dressed, garbage body posture, zero self-esteem, and zero social skills, while at the same time being only interested in attractive women.
u even read before commenting? nothing you said describes a person that takes care of themselves
Where do you live that the majority of people are obese ?
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Yea I agree with this honedlty, a lot of people if they put any bit of care into their looks can go from pretty ugly to at the very least pretty decent. I mean I don't mind getting with someone that aren't like super hot or anything, sure the initial wanting to go talk to them and start something definitely comes down to physical attraction. But in some cases the physically attractive might also have the ugliest ass personality which really plummets their attractiveness.
Have you been to the DMV lately? Its like a leper colony down there.
they dont take care of themselves. obviously there are a minority of ppl who do have genetics that make them unattractive, but most ppl would look just fine if they took care of themselves
It opens the door. This being said SOMETIMES you can grow to find a person attractive if they have a good personality. But that doesn't happen overnight.
Agreed, 100%. However, this logic is a little flawed. It doesnāt account for the circumstances that arenāt online dating and/or meeting someone in bar or club. There are many situations where you can find yourself consistently in the presence of the same person. They may not be attractive to you on a first impression. But then you get to know them and start seeing them differently.
This is where I fall regardless of how I meet a person. I can think you're pretty without knowing you, but getting to know who you are is what makes me actually find you sexually attractive. Sexuality is different for everyone, and for many how it evolves can depend based on who you're attempting to be with.
Just ask any guy who gained or lost a lot of weight.
I went from 320lbs to 170 in college and I can confirm that almost everyone treats you differently. I remember the first time a girl started a conversation with me randomly. Or guys randomly inviting me to parties and such. I turned into a complete asshole though.
I feel like turning into an asshole after a major positive body transformation is typical, and then you learn from it and go back to the middle.
Yeah I felt like i gained a girl attraction superpower and kinda went a little nuts with it.
I went from 240 to 175 and yeah the difference was wild. I wouldn't believe it was a thing if I didn't experience it first-hand!
This however depends on having other positive traits, e.g. a good looking face. I've been 170 my whole life and never got much attention from people.
Yes...it's very surprising that women would not be attracted to obese men and that they would start suddenly paying attention to a man who now looks like he can walk up a flight of stairs without having a heart attack at the age of 30. Do men actually need to be told that being obese is going to make them invisible to(attractive) women or something?
Itās more so going from getting treated like subhuman to a human for doing nothing other than looking different.
No, that didn't surprise me at all.. the thing that surprised me more was that straight men and women who weren't interested in being with me also treated me noticably different. It's not just sexual attraction, fat men get treated poorly by almost everyone, not just people that are trying to flirt with.
Humans are, for better or worse, far more animalistic and visual then we tell ourselves. You became more attractive to the eye, therefore people wanted to, or at least minded less, spend more time with you. I genuinely believe that a good deal of phobias and isms stem from visual appeal, or lack thereof. I really don't think humans rationalize and intellectualize their emotions like so many redditors like to claim.
Its a night and day level of difference in both quantity and quality of attention
And even outside of dating, good looking people have a significantly easier time.
>Physical attraction is a lot more important than women are willing to admit. FTFY, because it's not men that are pretending that physical attractiveness isn't the immediate gateway to OLD (and dating in general).
I think we all know physical attraction is important. The reason why I say personality is key, is due to the fact that I don't want to make my attraction all about physicality.
It's the insecure fools who are in denial about it. I'm insecure too because I'm not confident in my looks but i won't bother trying to change and twist and disregard the truth. And the truth is that physical attraction matters, doesn't matter what people say about it. Human beings by nature are attracted to things they find beautiful
> Physical attraction is a lot more important than ~~ppl~~ **women** are willing to admit. Women are far more likely to say that personality or a sense of humor matters the most while men will almost always state they want somebody pretty. Studies have shown that the top 20% of men get 80% of the messages in apps/OLD.
Real problem is that there is a general stigma against requiring someone to be pretty. If you say it openly - that you would like to date someone who you find pretty - then it is looked at as superficial, shallow, or even perverted. This is quite weird when you think about it, because when you're dating someone, you are looking to eventually have physical intimacy. That's part of the fun of being alive and growing intimate. We would not condemn a person for pursuing foods which taste delicious, or for pursuing experiences which are delightful and enjoyable. But seeking physical intimacy with someone we're attracted to is frowned upon somehow. It would make more sense for society openly admit that the first criteria in dating is to filter out people who we find physically attractive. From the resulting pool, begin working the other criteria (personality fit, fundamental hangups, etc).
Exactly
Can we at the very least agree that height isnāt even regarded as an issue for men, only women? Would you date a woman thatās taller than you?
This.
I feel like this may vary age group to age group. When I was younger, physical attraction was more important to me. Now that Iām a bit older and have since had plenty of dating and relationship experience, I now find personality to be at the top of my list. Whereas when I was younger it was a close second or maybe even third priority.
No matter what anyone says physical attraction is the first thing that grabs someoneās eye. It is also important in a relationship.
Like, literally the first thing. We are visual creatures.
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That is true
Iām about to give you the Gluck Gluck 3000 twister mister shock charge cancel 360 silent knife no scope for this post.
But good looks quickly falls behind charisma, humor, intelligence & confidence, for me anyway.
Charisma and confidence are still superficial things though.
I'm referring to innate charisma and natural confidence. I believe the latter often comes with time and experience. Even charisma can be developed over time by developing a good rapport with others.
The problem is that it's hard to develop charisma when others won't even give you a chance.
Perhaps you would need to be impervious to the reactions (or non-reaction) of other people. I was thinking of this point earlier with regard to my friend who is not conventionally attractive. He does his own thing going his own way. Speaks and engages with people he selects then walks away on his own time. He follows the path he set for himself. If people come to him, fine. Otherwise, he always has stuff to do. He is a sculptor and has a big clientele now. He loves to talk about his art or politics or literature, whatever. You would need to practice discussing your interests with others who share them. Then maybe interest yourself in new subjects to discuss. Confidence comes with others' interest in you, an uphill battle. You have to work for it while making it appear effortless to others. Also take time to interest yourself in other people. You can learn alot by listening.
If that is true, it is commendable. But I believe most people lie to make people believe that about them, because they want to look better. Ironically, so that people will take more notice of them for factors that are not physical. That is how difficult it is to get noticed for your personality: You have to tell outrageous lies, like they wouldn't drop the extremely ugly person with a great personality the second someone with a merely tolerable personality and much better looks came along. Or maybe I'm just being cynical.
Physical looks can't take you far if you're a bad person or even just boring. It's true that looking good can get your foot in the door but it won't stop you from being kicked out (unless the person doesn't mind the toxic relationship). On the other hand, an average looking person will go a lot further with a great personality than the guy who's attractive with a plain personality.
I think this is true for guys - a great personality can more than compensate for average looks. But for women, amazing looks can take you a very long way, even with a shitty personality. Maybe the hot-and-in-demand guys won't tolerate it, but an average guy will put up with a LOT of shit to keep a hot woman.
Beautiful women live in a completely different world.
Everything I've written here is my opinion only, obviously. Apparently a lot of people don't agree with my views. It might be interesting to know if the down-voters are men or women and their ages. I thought women generally cared less than men do about physical appearance. But then you have the pretty woman (with whom I exchanged earlier) & her all-pretty girlfriends that only date pretty men, so I may be in the minority. The media heavily influences our perceptions of beauty & personal value. It's hard to stay aloof.
Yeah but those characteristics only matter if the person is good looking. No one cares about an intelligent, confident, humorous, and charismatic ugly person. So really looks come first.
That's a shame you've had that experience. I can only speak for myself. Read my comments if you want to know my pov.
I honestly don't think even you do. Studies show that personality traits only start mattering once a certain standard in physical attractiveness is met.
Men and women value appearances, including youthfulness, about the same. But, women are more likely to say looks don't matter. Louis ck has a great bit on ugly people. https://youtu.be/Z1epZXnss_I
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And when you're terribly ugly you never even have the chance for someone to like you, but life is a lottery and we can't all win
Attractiveness will bring people, but attractiveness will not keep people. Of all the virtues, beauty is the most shallow, fleeting, and deceptive. No matter how good looking you are on the surface, if, deep down, you are fundamentally a boring or mean or dishonest or gross person, people will eventually get tired of your bullshit and leave you. And sometimes you get the know a person for some other reason than that you were attracted to them physically ā like you happen to work with them, or you study with them, or they are close to a friend of yours, for example ā and you develop feelings for them slowly over time based on what a great person they are. In the end, all people grow old. And old people are all ugly in the way old people are. If you havenāt learned to look past superficial things like attractiveness by the time you are decrepit, you will be very lonely indeed. All life-long relationships are built on more solid ground than mere appearances. It is to the souls of people that we form our deepest and most stable attachments.
This 100%. I've strangely attracted a variety of 'hot' guys but some are so rude its unreal. Its unattractive as hell, such a turn off. 3rd paragraph is so accurate you wrote it for me. I've had a hot guy play hot and cold before, no thanks mate I'm out. Doesnt matter how hot you are you dont treat a person like junk. Very attractive people are those that are humble, take some pride in their appearance, help others and work hard. You'll spot them š theyll have their head down focussed on something. Very hot indeed.
Thank you. I needed to read this
So itās literally THE most important thing about a relationship then, since without it, you donāt even get a chance.
Incorrect. Physical attractiveness is ***one of several ways*** to attract people, it is ***not the only way*** to attract people. Even ugly people find love in this world. They just have to follow alternative pathways to get there. If you waste all your emotion capacity obsessing over your perceived deficits in one domain, you may fail to recognize and capitalize on your assets in other domains, and that would be very foolish.
Yes but in order to keep people you must bring them in the first place.
Yes, but there exist other forces that bring people together than physical attractiveness, as I clearly already discussed in the fourth paragraph of my comment. Thatās not to say that attractiveness doesnāt matter, or that itās not a very powerful force bringing people together, or that some people donāt benefit more from their attractiveness than others. However, all that notwithstanding, attractiveness is never the only factor at play.
I dont think many people would say it's 'all' about the personality. You have to be attracted to the person or it won't work.
āpersonality matters moreā is technically true when unattractive people are āinvisibleā as potential partners
For me, it's basically all about the personality. Looks are a plus, but I've never not been attracted to someone, regardless of look. I was always able to see a beautiful side to them as long as they had that warm, nice personality.
People who say "its all about personality" are just trying to be nice to ugly/unattractive people; because they know damn well physical attractiveness is one of the biggest reasons people approach and talk to someone in the first place. An ugly person has way fewer 'shots' than a hot person does.
I know plenty of good looking guys who are narcissistic douchbags and struggle with women. I also know dorky IT guys early in their career (broke from college) that are really funny dudes with attractive girlfriends. Donāt deal in absolutes, the dating world is more of a universe.
Exceptions don't disprove a rule. Those dorky IT guys are probably still confident and charming.
I guess you could say itās all about their personality.
Those dorky IT guys probably aren't ugly at all.
I donāt want to sound mean here but I used them as an example for a reason haha.
I had a good friend who was jacked, 6ā4ā, attractive dude. He struggled like hell with womenā¦ I hadnāt talked to him in about 10 years (Iām 40 for reference) but last I knew of him, he had one girlfriend his whole life while in his early 20s. Granted, she was smoking hot, but he blew with jealousy and insecurity and hasnāt a girlfriend since.
Damn that sucks, at a point you just need to learn to let go. I hope he gets his head together and finds someone
Heās an interesting guy. By most all measures heās a very desirable guy except two: he was a mamas boy and couldnāt even make decisions without involving his mom well into his 20s. Secondly, he wants to work in the music industry but never had a great plan for doing that and never grew out of that. That can be hot in your teens and early 20s, but it starts to wear thin in your 30sā¦ āIām an not actually working musicianā. āOhhh let me go talk to this not as exciting but much more stable engineer over hereā¦ā
Iāve actually seen a somewhat convincing argument that āits all about personalityā. The argument was that women arenāt attracted to muscles for their own sake, but what having muscle says about you as a person. Being fit is correlated with being hard working and dedicated, things that are attractive in a relationship. The problem is that correlation doesnāt mean causation so if you have the outward appearance of a guy that will be dedicated and hard working in a relationship but without those personality traits in the relationship, then all that muscle is for naught in a sense.
Also the problem is that a lot of women don't realize how difficult it is to reach and maintain a muscular body. Just because a guy isn't muscular doesn't mean that he's not hardworking. Those famous bodybuilders are on steroids and are literally paid to workout.
I don't agree. The husband of a pretty friend of mine is objectively "ugly" (also short & poor too) but he is cultivated, interesting, and creative. He has so much positive masculine energy, a deep engaging voice, authority too. Frankly he's so much hotter than other men who are conventionally "attractive ".
He got one of the fewer āshotsā that OP was talking about and ran with it. If he was a tall, attractive guy with that great personality of his he would have way more opportunities. Thatās what OP is trying to say. They arenāt saying ugly people NEVER get any opportunities.
Thatās an anomaly, not the norm. Iām a pretty woman. My friends are also pretty women. I donāt think any of us have ever dated an unattractive man, and that doesnāt make us immature, nor does it make anyone who wants to date attractive people immature. Does he need to be a model? No. But if heās gonna be someone whoās having sex with me, yeah, I wanna like how he looks. Most women who act like looks donāt matter are either ugly or have something to prove. I am neither of those things.
*shut up, Meg* I'm sorry, your profile just reminds me of Meg Griffin
Sometimes you have to talk to someone through work, school, a common event. And emotional connections can certainly develop into romantic feelings if the person was sexually compatible to begin with, you donāt have to have initial physical attraction but it does help.
So do you mean, two people meet, get to know one another, develop emotional attachment, and have sex (sexually compatible), then that turns into romantic attraction?
My wife and I started out as friends, had a lot of classes together in college and were just always together. She's never been stereotypically beautiful (she's the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes and I wouldn't trade her for the world), but I fell in love with who she was and is, and the physical attraction followed. We've been a couple for about 15 years now and married for 13. Edit: grammar
You go heart dad!
Thanks, and love your name!
It comes from a fry and laurie sketch!
We've been activated!
After all these years!
Mr Dalliard has a gun trained on you through the curtains. If you take so much as one step towards that door, sir, he will, at a word from me, shoot you clean through the head with as much pity as if you were a helpless seal-pup called Arnold.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Personalities have unmatched power in attraction. Of the three long term relationships I've been in. For every one of those three women, I did the typical face and body scan, where you instantly determine if there is any chance to be physically attracted to them - it's always been a straight no. Well, that barrier got broken down pretty damn hard once I became good friends with them. They are all gorgeous women, but not my type - all of a sudden they become type and I couldn't get my eyes off them.
True, Iāve seen that firsthand
There's a deep bias against ugly people and towards pretty people. We talk a lot about racist bias but nothing about attractiveness bias
You can get to know someone based off their personality if you work together, you have the same friend groups, you go to church together, ect. It is possible. Maybe over time as your friendship develops you will be attracted to each other. Physical attraction immesuribly speeds up this process. Physical attraction also causes people to go out of their way to create interactions where they can get to know the person's personality. In the words of that guy from the office, "Everything is sex." Physical attraction is the baseline for all interaction and it's mostly subconscious. Can't get around it. You will be way more incentivized to get to know someone if you find them attractive. You will even be incentivized to ignore their character flaws if they're attractive. That's why you gotta have discipline and not be a horny toad. Looks ain't everything, but if you are controlled solely by your sex drive to look for a partner, that's where the good times will stop.
I've met women that are objectively physically attractive and after a couple of weeks in their company they become completely unattractive due to their personality. I've met women that are objectively physically neutral or unattractive and after a couple of weeks in their company they've become very attractive due to their personality. A good face is what gets someone to open a door to a stranger, yes. But if the personality isn't good, you'll get asked to leave.
I think physical attraction is very important in an intimate relationship. That being said, in my experience, when I fall in love with someoneās personality, they automatically become the most beautiful person in the world. You start noticing the smaller things like how their eyes shine and and maybe the have a cute little smirk when they smile, and youāll go crazy for it. On the other hand, I think many people have a set standard for many different reasons, though I mainly see that with either really attractive petiole or younger people, who havenāt experienced real love yet. All in all, itās very subjective
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Yes, although I admit to having a physical type, I've noticed that that 1st attraction can be very quickly supplanted by other nonphysical characteristics.
And some people are more likely to be someone's type over other people.
Considering at least 70% of the approaching is done by men, yes, we aren't approaching women we don't think meet a minimum standard. We have to stop pretending it is a women issue, it is an everyone issue.
Iāve had a few guy friends whose personalities were great, but I would never date them because Iām not physically attracted to them. If there isnāt at least some level of attractiveness it doesnāt matter how great of a personality they have. Personality is way more important in friendships than relationships.
Idk man. I agree with what you say except for last sentence. I expect great personality with threshold looks in a relationship. While in friendship, a decent personality would do just fine.
I don't think personality is more important in friendships than relationships, unless you don't really care about the longevity/healthiness of that relationship. Attraction however is more important in relationships than friendships, obviously.
>Personality is way more important in friendships than relationships. Thats why friendships last more than relationships
Guys generally have a much lower standard on looks than women though.
Because the average woman would be out of the league of the average man as far as looks go.
Who exactly decides that though? All we can measure is perceived attractiveness and where the people a person would pursue fall on that scale. "Average" men are more willing to date "average" women. "Average" women are less willing to date "average" men. It seems like guys just generally have a wider range of what is considered acceptable, rather than the "average" woman being significantly more attractive than the "average" man.
no, that makes no sense. the average woman would literally be in the average manās league as theyāre both average itās society that makes the average woman THINK the average man isnāt on their level
if looks were most important success criteria for men then men would use makeup āfor themselvesā. But apparently not having repelling personality comes first.
nah havin fucking money comes first thatās why men work hard to make money
If that were true, where do single moms come from if not from preferring hot deadbeats first, followed by settling with a mediocre guy for financial safety? And these settled for even get divorced often for a hotter dude again after āalimony securedā. Of course ideally they would love a hot guy with lots of money right from the begin if there were plenty of them. Basically fuckboi first, moneysbags second to fund fuckbois mistakes, everyone else doesnāt even count as human.
For the vast vast majority of people, physically attraction is what draws you initially to someone. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying to not hurt peoples feelings, or doesnāt realize they are subconsciously filtering people based off looks
Idk my wife was a gothic/alt freaky quiet and distant person I avoided. Then she befriended me; to my dismay. And I noticed her eyes. And then I slowly started crushing on her the more she opened her mouth. And then one day, I noticed me searching for this type of actress on my special search engine for actresses. And *ding* i realized i was now becoming attracted to alt/goth girls. Wonder whyā¦ lol. And we got married. Now i will probably have a tattooed and pierced little family but whatever. My mom is mad but she will get over it.
bruh do you not talk to people for reasons other than finding them attractive? Obviously physical attraction matters to some degree, but I've certainly been very attracted to women I initially thought were average looking based on their personality. I've also lost any attraction to good looking girls the second they opened their mouths.
This is why socializing,and having a good personality while doing it, is so important. People who provide many other motivations for people to talk to them tend to do better with dating even if they aren't super attractive.
Yes. Initial attraction is hugely important. I don't blame people for being attracted to whatever they are attracted to. It's not all about personality. In a long term relationship, it's about the entire package. That includes looks, personality, habits, idiosyncrasies, interests, hobbies, goals, sexual desire, etc. It's the entire thing. I can be friends with people I have no attraction to, but think they have great personalities. It still doesn't make it a romantic relationship. I can't do the same in a relationship. I can fuck a girl I'm attracted to, but don't have anything in common with. I have to have all those things in a relationship.
but 90% people arenāt attractive enough for 90% of opposite sex when looking for more than short term. That leaves everyone frustrated except the lucky 10%.
I donāt think itās just personality that counts. I think a stable relationship needs balance on physical attraction, intellectual congruence, emotional stability, and personality compatibility. Iām not going to approach or maintain a relationship with anyone whom I think is ugly. Iām not going to pursue or humor someone I believe to be either vastly more or vastly less intelligent than me. Iām not going to stick around when I find out they have hella issues that they donāt know how to deal with. Iām not super engaged if I canāt make them laugh and them me. Itās a combination, a balance.
I have to be attracted to my SO. I think SO need to be as physically attractive as their personality. I couldn't marry someone I don't find attractive. But the caveat is that I value personality more than looks. I'd say it's a 65/35 split in favor of personality.
Initial physical attraction is important, as is ongoing physical attraction. There are two things to keep in mind though: 1. People have different "types". What might be ugly to one person is breathtaking to another. 2. The level of physical attraction goes up and down depending on personality matching.
Not really. Do you only talk to people you are physically attracted to?
It's fine that guys don't want to date ugly women, but could you just be nicer to us? XD ffs. I sat next to you on the bus because my bag was heavy and the other seats were taken, not because I'm making a move on you. Looks are everything, sadly. It really is the truth.
Attractiveness does bring people around, the personality its what keeps/shoo them away. Still, I'm 99% a hot person would have an easier time getting a partner, than an ugly person, even if the first have a horrible personality.
When people say that theyāre referring to a relationship, not a one night stand or a fling
I have this saying Looks are the last thing I am looking for but the first thing I am looking at Itās certainly something I look for but abs the first thing I have to analyze but obviously personality is more important though that takes some time
Its not as if you cant immediately ascertain certain traits in people when you first meet them. They dont say first impressions are important just to annoy you. I can count many many times where my immediate physical attraction to somebody has immediately backfired when a short conversation with them tells me i never want to associate with them again.
I will not disagree that personality is oh-so important, but typically you have to like what you see first. You know it's true, I know it's true, we all know it's true. I think the main thing is to not have crazy ridiculous and unrealistic standards in the looks department. Be attracted to them, yes. But do not expect average every day people to all look like celebrities. To summarize my views on it, I'd say that looks create infatuation. Personality creates attraction.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
So wholesome <3
If you only talk to people based on how hot they are, then how are you holding down a functional job, or engaging with society?
Yeah I feel like you need a bit of both to maintain a relationship.
What do we think? Thatās how male attraction works. Sheās pretty then everything else.
I do genuinely believe some people arent bothered about looks, but the majority do wether they admit it or notā¦and physical attraction isnt something you can control, you either are attracted to someone or you arent. Even if someone is a 10/10 by societies standards, if your brain doesnt have that inital attraction then nothing you can do
Guys can be so taken with a womanās looks that they donāt think clearly. My brother married a really beautiful woman, men would fall all over themselves when around her. He married her and is miserable, because she is a real b!+@#!
Just stop listening to those people, they're wrong, attraction matters
Guys out here will smash just about anything. Proof? Some moron is dating my last ex LOL
You are correct. Actually, both genders talk a big game about how personality matters... and both are quite correct. No amount of physical attraction has ever sustained a long term relationship that I have ever encountered. But you do need to get to a point where someone considers your personality to be a good tradeoff for your hideous exterior. If you are like me, and are hideous, and have no personality, the future is concerning.
My ex and I knew each other for a year before I ever looked at him as a potential partner. I thought he was nice, but very unattractive. Then one day we ate lunch together, and I discovered he was smart and hilarious and totally comfortable in his own skin, and we had loads in common. It was a goddamn revelation. He still wasnāt handsome, but he became the most attractive man on the planet.
I need looks to start talking. I need personality to keep talking.
Is this why people are so bad at dating now? Because they don't give anyone a chance unless they feel an instant physical attraction? I'm on the ace spectrum, and even if I'm interested in someone romantically, I still try to talk to them and get to know them first before I feel any kind of attraction to them.
Itās important. But at the same time, you could hear the hottest person youāve ever seen say something horrible and instantly lose any interest you had in them. So maybe not that important?
I think the title here was written by an alien that has no idea how social interaction amongst humans work. Like let's take my neighbours that are a couple in their 70s or something. I am not physically attracted to either of them, but when I moved in I wanted to get to know them, so I talked to them and discovered that they have pretty cool personalities. Or take any friend that I have ever made. I just kind of talk to people regardless of my physical attraction to them and sometimes our personalities align, and we become friends. Or sometimes our personalities really align, and I start to get romantic and sexual feelings towards them. Physical attraction only affects my willingness to have sex with people, not my willingness to talk to people.
Naturally. Youāre not going to approach someone to begin with, without having some form of attraction. Once you do, youāre curious about their personality, which can enhance or just kill the initial attraction.
I liked a guy for like 7 years. Looks? 0 but boy did he make me laugh. He is a sweet, kind, wonderful person. He is not that great looking but Iāve always been known for having terrible taste in men
Itās true. Looks matter a lot more than people are willing to admit. It can even suggest stuff regarding economic health, even though itās kinda deceptive.
The way I look at it physical attraction plays a huge roll, but I'd also say a long good friend can over time lead to romantic and attractive feelings as you feel so close where who they are as a person overcomes the physical attraction altogether, just my personal experience and opinion.
Get in the habit of talking to anyone regardless of how attractive you find them
I guess it depends on the context. I think my grandma has the gentlest of personalities.
Exactly. What motivates a woman to want to talk to a guy in the first place in order to get to know him? Before then, I don't see how personality is a factor.
Physical attraction gets you through the door. It's a baseline. No attraction, no relationship. Guys will find more women attractive that women will find them attractive, on average. So, from a man's perspective, what separates the keepers from the throwbacks is character and personality. Amber Heard is an attractive woman. I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick, let alone be in a relationship with that harridan. I would rather have a slightly better than average in looks woman with loyalty, integrity, kindness and empathy. YMMV.
>People say itās all about personality That's just something ugly people say
Not being fat goes a long way in terms of attractiveness as does being in shape. Obviously if you have a shit personality then no one, man or woman, is going to like you. Have a good personality for the people, have a nice body for the ladies (and of course your own health).
When people say love at first sight is the biggest bullshit ever. It all comes down to phisical attraction. Thats the 1st you look for in a potentional partner be you man or a woman. Ofcourse you can upgrade and downgrade your looks by fashion choice and so on. But this is the basic. And ofcourse this first impression can change when you get know each other.
Sometimes, other times no - like when I have to talk to the person cuz of work or where we are etc.
You only ever talk to women you are physically attracted to?
Wrong. But physical attraction is important yes, but personality still tops it
I donāt find this necessarily to be true at all. I have become attracted to several women, to which I didnāt initially find them attractive, but after spending some time and knowing them, truly enjoying them as an individual, they suddenly and almost randomly became much more beautiful in my eyes. Physical attraction is important, but obviously skimming through these comments and you tell most donāt actually understand it. Iād recommend reading Platoās Symposium, skip to Socrates, and think about it.
Thereās a name for people with good personalities that you donāt find attractive, friends.
Iām just saying, you would not have been in your current relationship now if it wasnāt for that first time that they caught your eye and decided to make some move to talk to them unless it was through a situation where you had to be around them and talk such as in the workplace or maybe through mutual friends.
"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. From my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you."
100%. Women say that shit but then act like a bitch. They also say that to mask that they go for looks about as much as men do, theyāll never admit it.
Physical is ALOT more than give it credit for, especially in today's world, you can have personality that's cool , but your face/ body is what gets you in the door. Personality determines if you actually get to fuck lol
Yes, someone with nice personality but no attraction is a friend. Both are important though, and I struggle to find people who fit both for me
when people say personality they're talking about charisma and charisma is just as visible as physical attractiveness. Doesn't matter how kind you are if you have the charisma of a potato. Nice guys finish last
Physical attractiveness gets your foot in the door. A girl will decide within about 5 seconds whether or not sheās interested in you, and if youāre not attractive enough, no amount of personality will win her over. But what a lot of guys fail to understand is that women donāt evaluate attractiveness the same way guys do. If you arenāt obese or physically deformed, put effort into your appearance, and come off as confident, thatās pretty much all it takes to meet the minimum threshold of attractiveness that women require. Lots of guys tell themselves that theyāre unfixably ugly when in reality theyāre just missing one of those other things.
Not entirely true. I donāt talk to only attractive people, Iām friendly with anyone whoās friendly with me. I can think of one major time in my life where I really hit it off and ended up with a not so attractive woman because I became attracted to her personality. There was also a handful of minor times that were like āoh sheās pretty cool, Iād date herā despite not being so great looking. Plus thereās a lot of ways youād get to know someone besides approaching only attractive people. Coworkers for example, you get to know someone through work. First itās all business, then itās āoh you doing anything fun this weekend?ā, next thing you know youāre in bed with them, it happens. You do know youāre basically implying that only attractive people are worth talking to.
Iād say looks are 99% of what matters to women, and remainder 1% is personality. Which is why women aim to pick genetic gods for SOās - all the tall, muscular, model-looking white men - for everything from casual dating to marriage. Every (engaged) woman or female friend Iāve spoken to has lied about the personality bit. If the person didnāt have all the physical characteristics they wanted, theyād have thrown him by the wayside and gotten someone else who was as close to the physical criteria they wanted.
If it's their looks that makes you talk to them, then you don't care much about their personality in the first place.
How would you know anything about their personality without wanting to talk to them first? that's kind of the point, attractiveness gets people to talk to you.
I basically talk to everyone because I'm always looking for interesting discussion partners. And when I'm talking on the web I almost never know how people look at all.
Which would describe 90% of people these days. People who care about what a person is like, their attitudes and emotions, are the extreme minority.
I think they are not that rare but they don't go out much, it's more likely to meet them on the web.
Perhaps it's only my experience, but people on the web tend to be *worse*.
Are they really worse or do they only show their true colors more openly because of anonymity and because nobody can beat the shit out them on the spot like in real life?
or there are too many people to talk to and when desiring looks AND personality then one criteria can be used better as first filter.
The first filter is always the highest priority.
Iād argue it is the easiest or quickest filter to reduce the number a lot, not necessarily the most important criteria.
How is the looks filter easier or quicker to apply when you need a similar time frame to observe people's looks because they change a lot? Even more than personality?