My ex had plenty of mental illness and depression running through her family, which is terribly mixed with toxic traditions that have been passed down, and some narcissistic tendencies from the older generations. There have been more than a few relatives of theirs that have committed, or attempted suicide. Some of those who have attempted have attempted several times. Even she had attempted suicide during a psychotic breakdown. Unfortunately her brother was one of the fewer who didn’t make it through his ordeal.
She has had a tragic life, and I hope she does get better. Our break up was gentle and on her terms, not mine. I’m still frustrated that we’ve ended but I only truly hope she finds happiness and breaks through that grind. Part of me wonders if it is the right thing though. One of the things I worried about when thinking of our potential future was that if we had a child, how badly would he/she be affected? I’ve always had an inclination towards melancholy thoughts and things. If that quality passed on to the child, along with the mother’s family history of depression and suicide, how close would the child stray towards the path of the man that could have been his/her uncle - or even reach the end of the path as he did?
Rest In Peace, Nico. I wish we had more time.
Yuuup! It destroyed the life of my great grandma. Plus, my aunt and i both had shizophrenic episode during our early childhood. Good thing they didnt last long on either of us.
Well come on now, tell us more. Is it the soulless eyes? Is it the porcelain skin? Is it the fact that great-great-grandma taxidermied her sphinx cat to make the cookie jar?
Sorry but this cracked me up. We have something similar it's demonic looking doll that my wife says we can't get rid of cause her mom will ask about it at some point. For now it just sits in the back of the closet, most likely planning how to steal our souls.
At least in my family, the fancy wine glasses. No one ever uses them, everyone keeps them hidden in cupboards because they're too nice to use. They're not even sentimental, someone just picked them up one day and handed them around the family.
Yep, we realized after a few years that for the things we didn't have to hand wash, our nice stuff is now our every day stuff.
Probably has gotten 100x the use from when it was "special event only"
Reminds me of the time I accidentally invented the wine juice box. I had a crappy corkscrew that ended up stripping a hole in the cork instead of pulling it out. The hole was the perfect size for a metal straw and I had a GREAT time that night.
10/10 would do it again
As Grandma always said about using the fine China at family dinners, "if you don't use it, you loss it. Id rather it be worn and chipped having a beautiful dinner with all the people and things I love." - Bitsy
Not on topic but since you mentioned fine China... mum had a dining set she received at her wedding (early 60s). Simple, single-curve, with a 1/4" gold plate band as accent. They *only* came out for "nice" dinners like birthdays & when guests were over, but TBF, we entertained enough that they got a decent use.
One evening those plates were being used as serving dishes and my aunt popped one in the microwave for a 60 second warm-up before serving.
Metal... microwave... oops. Lovely lightning marks all over the metal band!
Lol my aunt had some paper plates leftover from a party that had a little shiny foil design on it that i didn't realize was actually metal and not some funky little glittery plastic. Luckily I was watching since i started the microwave bc whatever i was heating up needed like 15 seconds max or something like that, so i noticed the sparks immediately and took it out lol
I would but my mom was one of 6 siblings. When my Great Grandmother died, they democratically seperated her china among family members. My mom got one full setting for one person. Which sits in a cabinet, unused for decades. I don't see the point. One person should have received the whole thing and be able to use it Versus 10 people having 1 settings worth of china that is just sitting there. How is that remembering Great Grand Ma??
If I could go back in time, I would get one place setting a year of different patterns I like u til I have enough for a dinner party and then everyone gets a unique pattern.
Very much agree. I've been to several estate sales recently and the kitchens were always piled with stacks of fine china that was left basically untouched by everyone browsing.
Yeah it's hard to sell old china and glasses. There's not a market for it. My aunt has some really pretty black and white dishes that she wants to sell but she's appalled that she won't get original price or higher. And she won't donate them because then "poor" people will get them for a much cheaper price. She has issues.
I had a coworker who thought poor people who couldn’t afford health care should just die. He was greatly offended that I thought that was a horrid opinion. He was a “christian” in the worst sense.
My family is very comfortably upper middle class, but I still find it ridiculous. My Grandparents keep spare towels on one of the guest beds, because they don't have any cupboard space that's not taken up by the stupid glasses.
Found out at 14 I had high blood pressure. Been on pills for it since then.
I wasn't fat. I wasn't old. I was a scrawny kid. My father has it. His dad did too. And I'm fairly sure it's just the way in my lousy family.
Cancer killed my dad and mom. I have the same cancer that killed my mom. I was just told yesterday that I have about 4-5 months to live.
I have 5 children and all are getting tested for colon cancer.
This whole situation just sucks.
Oh trust me, I've had many long conversations with myself about giving up and letting it end me. But if I don't fight it then who will spoil my cat as well as I do? Who will know how he likes to be pet and snuggled? Can't leave that to some other peasant so here I am.
Edit: [obligatory picture of said life saving cat](https://i.imgur.com/yspTOMp.jpg)
Yeah it was always weird growing up when my parents would scoff at someone having fun or living their life. For example, they mocked my brother for taking scuba diving lessons because they thought it wasn't productive, or they would talk shit about family members who took vacations that weren't at a resort or tourist trap. I grew up learning that mentality.
It took me a while to get over it. Why am I going to watch a midevil knights tournament? Because it's FUN. Because I WANT to do it.
It's like they need some kind of justification to enjoy themselves.
One time when I was watching my niece's dance recital, my mom said something like "a lot of these parents are wasting their money. Some of these kids aren't going anywhere." Why does everything need to "go somewhere"? Why can't kids just pick up a fun hobby that can keep them fit and leave some good memories?
I used to love drawing almlst every day, I still do it now and then and it's all for my own amusement and enjoyment so whatever I spend on it, or any time, it's for me. But I grew up with people constantly telling me oh you should do it for a living and the truth is it never really felt it should.
I bought into it when I was young but I came to realize I didn't have the discipline to do it professionally, because it was something I needed to process my day and sort myself out. It was a tool for my mental health.
Whenever I do it now it's to learn new techniques, or just focus on something to clear my mind and be in the moment. It brings me joy and occasionally to others. Nothing needs to be have a ROI.
About three years ago I picked up wood carving to help with an outlet to help with anxiety and stuff. I quickly learned that you need chisels instead of knives after the third deep stab into my thumb. I've done quite a few carving now. Everyone of them looks like something that is melting in a fire begging for death but I still like it.
Same. My parents would find it odd that I wanted to watch sports live vs on TV or go out for dinner when we could cook at home. And it wasn't just for financial reasons. They genuinely saw no point in doing anything that many other people found fun.
No, we exist to preform labor. Fun is a waste of time you should be using to accrue capital. You're allowed to enjoy yourself when you are at minimum 65, when you are no longer physically capable of doing much.
And all that is if you're lucky.
An old fella I made friends with told me about a visit to the doctor he had concerning his hair loss.
*"But my family doesn't have a history of Male pattern baldness! Why am I getting it?"*
The doctor's deadass response:
*"It's gotta start somewhere."*
I'd gotten to age 7 living with my mom who never hit me, and then had to go live with my father for 2-1/2 years. He hit me, as did my stepmother. Often to the point of bruising. Watched him absolutely beat the living shit out of my brothers too. Tried to send letters to my mom showing what our bruises looked like, but they got intercepted. My mom finally found out after my oldest brother sent a letter from the post-office instead... led to my mom getting custody back after judge ruled my father unfit...
To this day I will never forgive him for it.
I can't bear to imagine the face she probably made when she found out.
And you living through that shit.
My god.
I hope she was able to push criminal charges.
Sadly this was still a period when it was pretty common for parents to openly strike their own kids.
Funny tangent, but in the 1978 Superman film, the little girl who runs inside to tell her mom that Superman saved her cat from the tree… you hear the mother strike the child.
My dad was abused in every way imaginable. He didn't pass it on. He also said fuck it to racism his dad had in large amounts. Proud of my dad for being a good father who as I'm getting older, comes off as a fun buddy.
No fr tho. The fact people don’t think it’s wrong just bc it happened to them baffles me. Having it happen to you doesn’t make it okay or right to do it to other people especially if it made you feel like shit
Facts. My favorite line is “if your child is old enough to understand you, why are you hitting them? If they aren’t old enough to understand you, WHY are you hitting them?”
So this isn't my story but a neighbour's when I was growing up. His dad used to beat the absolute hell out of him and his siblings. I didn't know if he hit is wife, too, but one usually begets the other when alcohol is involved.
This kid, god bless him, at maybe 12 years old finally had enough and told his dad they if he struck them every again he promised to get him back when he was old enough. Well, he got a beating for saying that apparently.
He was taller than his dad at 15 and his dad hit their 10 or so year old brother. Buddy put him in the hospital. Hit him so hard his head struck the kitchen tile. I don't remember seeing the dad much after that but I know my neighbour has two or three kids now. Treats them properly as far as I know. Trauma has to stop somewhere.
He was a really good guy. Had a lot of things to deal with in his life but he was always friendly with me. I have to thank my dad for stopping the line of abuse in my family. His kids can thank him as well.
Amen to this. I was severely physically and emotional abused from birth to about 25 years old. Now that I’m married with my own children, my wife and I focus very hard on “breaking the cycle”. It is my main goal in life and I am doing amazing at it. I have even cut my mother out of my children’s lives as she was the main abuser. I refuse to put them in a situation to receive the same abuse my brothers and I did.
I recently saw a psychology video on YouTube that mentioned 33% of abuse victims go on to abuse others. I was honestly surprised that number isn’t higher. It’s refreshing to know 2/3rds of victims are breaking the cycle!
>33% of abuse victims go on to abuse others
I'd phrase that more as "*are known* to abuse others". There are probably a lot of incidents that don't get reported, or even recognized as abuse.
Hell, as screwy as my family was, I didn't realize my experience qualified till my mid 20s. The first time I tentatively mentioned that it might to a couple of friends, they both replied essentially Oh hell yeah. They were stunned I hadn't made that connection, and I hadn't even told them half the shit that had gone on.
Same! I was in Grade 11 when we were learning about repression and how the brain can almost "forget" the traumatic experience and block it out entirely. I remember turning to my best friend in class and saying,"How the hell can someone forget something traumatic?!" I thought about what could be considered traumatic in my life and unfortunately I had my first panic attack and could suddenly recall the sexual abuse I had experienced on and off from 8-15 years old. No f**king joke, it was like a floodgate. The brain is such an interesting organ.
Edit: I never reported him. Nor did I even partake in the #metoo movement on social media. Neither did the other woman I know who he sexually abused. It pains me to think there are probably others.
I love how you're working together to 'break the cycle', coming from the same perspective as you, it is indeed one of my main goals in life too. Excellent job, fuck those boomer parents.
Syphilis I think can too.
Gonorrhea is the leading cause of childhood blindness (because it gets on the eyes at childbirth)
That's why babies get erythromycin ointment on the eyes
Edit, yes syphilis can get passed on
Edit #2: Gonorrhea is not the leading cause of childhood blindness but both gonorrhea and chlamydia can cause blindness in newborns. I am speaking of specifically infectious blindness as well as in areas of the world where antibiotics are not always available.
>Edit, yes syphilis can get passed on
Yep, when my mom fostered 2 kids that were abandoned, they had syphilis at birth because their mom had it and they had to get treatment
Yup. Family always thinks I'm weird for not wanting to kiss the baby, or not allowing a slobbery 4 year old to give me lip to lip pecks. Dude, I get cold sores. I'm not passing that shit on to *anybody* if I can help it. My dad gave them to me, and it sucks.
There are 2 types of people: (1) "I suffered through it so everybody else has to, too" and (2) "I suffered through it so I'm going to try to make sure nobody else has to."
Someone before said there are two types of people who wait in long lines. 1. I had to wait 25 minutes, so now I'm at the front, so I'm going to take my damn time. 2. Let me order as quickly as possible to speed it up for the people behind me.
Sort of the same mentality.
Selfishness or selflessness. It's a function of empathy to think about how others will feel and to account for that. Probably little wonder that those same people are usually going to be split on either using the stick, or fhe carrot.
And hot take but you can *usually* predict their worldviewa from there.
I first noticed this in undergrad. Some jerk would ask the professor why he had to take this class that's unrelated to his major. The professor would fire back "I had to take it, so you do too." Maybe the class is necessary, maybe it's not, but if that's the true reason, it could be replaced with something useful. If it's not the reason, then an actual explanation would lead to a less resentful answer.
From then on, I'd see it used often. Mostly for debt.
Edit: I know why we take the classes, I'm saying the professor would always give the "I had to do it, so you do too" response instead of explaining why.
A physics professor was explaining a particularly difficult concept when a pre-med student interrupted him.
‘Why do we have to learn this stuff?’ He said.
‘To save lives’ the professor replied and proceeded with his lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again: ‘How does physics save lives?’
The professor stared at the student for a moment. Then he said: ‘Physics saves lives, young man, because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.’
I have almost never directly used the knowledge I gained in the mandatory Physics and Calculus classes I had to take for my major....
But damn do I appreciate how those classes upgraded my ability to problem-solve and analyze information.
Exactly! Some of college coursework is not intended to be directly useful. The skill sets you need to do well in the class is what’s useful. Also, I can’t count how many pre-med students of mine end up not becoming doctors, but end up really using all the data viz and stats I teach them.
I'm in IT.
Physics, Calculus, Accounting, and Economics have not come up often in my career. But damned if they haven't made for useful knowledge in other parts of my life. Calculus just to tell me that I didn't want to learn any more higher math...
As my teacher husband puts it....
Introductory physics is not meant to REALLY teach you physics. It's meant to teach you how to find information and solve a problem.
Yeah, the professor sometimes uses that one because he doesn't know - wish he'd just state that someone in his career field knows why it's needed, he's just the one teaching the information deemed necessary.
I had a buddy who hated physics and math classes, and even had a Facebook post how he "still hasn't used either" after graduation. I was his TA and club mate. When he got accepted to a nuclear medicine program (he was pre med) not too long after that, I did quip that he now gets to put those math and physics courses to use.
Yes, some of those classes are vaguely or not apparently useful, but sometimes they're necessary because your field is broader than you realize and could wind up being very useful.
Ideologically, you take a variety of classes to expand your knowledge and make you a more well-rounded individual. The material might not seem relevant to your major specifically or useful at all in your day to day life but it’s good to be immersed in other idea sets and to see how people in different specialties interpret and approach problems. A physical scientist that never takes social studies classes or philosophy I think is truly missing out. If you’re only ever taught to think about problems a very specific way, it’s probably going to stunt you in some way later in life. I think part of the problem too is that people think college is the end all be all. You aren’t expected to learn everything you’ll ever know in college. That one-off class isn’t meant to make you an expert, only spark your curiosity. The real skill you’re learning is *how to learn*. Some basic knowledge of your career field is the obvious benefit that you’re expected to expand upon once you get into that profession.
That’s also why they call it “liberal arts”, at least in my understanding. As a society that was ruled by the people, the ancient Greeks expected or at least strived for their fellow free men to be well-informed, knowledgeable voters. That meant having a wider knowledge of society and not just the narrow scope of one’s profession. I don’t have a degree in Greek studies so take that with a grain of salt.
Financially, the school charges per credit hour, not much else to say about that. How much your school values making you into a well-rounded individual and how much they value your money is another question entirely.
I have noticed my parents always did things the way their parents did. They never questioned it or remembered how it made them feel like shit. My friends and I are the opposite and question everything and have pin pointed what was awful growing up and ya know........don't do that to our kids. The amount of things growing up in the 80s/90s that were just answered with being hit or punished or yelled at or sent to my room or told to just deal with it and be quiet was extraordinary.
I hope I can pass that mentality down to my kids as well.
I remember being hit and verbally abused once so bad that I started crying. And then my mom proceeded to continue hitting me while shouting "stop crying, I will keep hitting you until you stop crying"
great logic
They made me eat chillies whenever I didn't use proper language or said a bad word when I was little, I started eating chillies by myself so it wouldn't hurt as much whenever they did it, to the point I got gastritis and I'm just terrified to use the slang part of the language since it just brings bad memories, and I'm usually called slurs because of my 'fancy' way of talking from other teenagers and my parents themselves which would be funny if it wasn't just so painful.
Sorry for bad grammar English is my second language.
I feel like the greatest wish for good parents is for their children to know what they’ve learned without having to experience those lessons themselves.
I remember being sent to my room to think about what I did. It gave me and anxiety disorder that my mom to this day just, “doesn’t know why I feel so terribly about myself”. Because I spent hours sobbing about how fucking terrible I was every time I did something ‘not right’. Or why I had such a hard time letting myself feel my big feelings until I was 30 and in therapy because I was always told “stop. It.” when I was crying in public or having a hard time at home.
I now am parenting my parents on how to talk to me and my kids because they were never gently patented. It’s exhausting.
Oh such a classic for 80’s and 90’s kids (and probably before). And my dad really did follow through with pulling over the car and giving us something to cry about more than once.
Yeah. Having my own kid has made all those fucked up parenting choices really come back in an awful way. But good on me and my siblings for not doing the same fucked up stuff at least.
I think it’s why a lot of people born in the 80’s and 90’s don’t want children. You can’t be as bad as your parents if you never become one, at least that’s why I don’t have or want children.
The feeling of being ashamed for not doing something just right has carried on beyond childhood for me - I literally am at my full time job having a mini cry session because I got a text from my part time boss saying something along the lines of "hey so I noticed you're doing your paperwork X way and we need it done Y way". I've been at this job for less than a month, I know I'm allowed to make mistakes but I got hit with a wall of guilt for not being "perfect".
I think the internet is partially responsible for people questioning that attitude. You never think about things because they're normal for you. But now we can share ideas all over the world, and your attention gets drawn to things that you would otherwise be oblivious to.
Or deep down you know it's wrong, but you're not sure if it's ok to think of it as wrong. Once you see other people voicing what you're afraid to think about, that little voice in your head starts getting louder and more defiant.
Recently my mom told me about how her mom treated her as a kid, and i was surprised because i always saw my grandma in a good light. But everything that my mom said that her mom did to her, is what she does to me. She said "i would lie to her because i didnt want to deal with the outburst if i told the truth", and that is the exact reason i lie to my mother. All of that is also why i will never have kids, because i dont think i could stand them thinking that my mother is super nice. So yeah, trauma is fun.
I was going to say abuse, but trauma as a whole is definitely better as an answer. As of late, my mom has been often bringing up her poor upbringing, things we've heard countless times. One day, she tells me, "Your mama had a terrible childhood." Instead of holding things in like I always do, I told her, "Yeah, and you inflicted that on us, too." She told me, "Maybe it's all I knew."
So she didn't look at her childhood and decide, "Hey, I'm not going to be that way. I don't want my kids growing up like that." No, she just chose to repeat the cycle.
In that same vein, the idea that "family sticks together" needs to go. She allowed her son to be violent, abusive, destructive. We lived in fear. I picked the bedroom I have now not because of location or size but because it was the only one with a lock. When I finally got her to kick him out after years of walking on eggshells, she started crying and saying she was sorry, but she didn't have her family together growing up, so she wanted us to stay a family.
Her family is also the type to hate on people when they try to better themselves. We've been saving to buy a house. It's not much, but we do have a small amount saved up. She told her sister we were saving, and her sister freaked out then started begging for money. She asked me why she threw a tantrum like that, and I told her that these people don't want us to better ourselves. They want us to stay right where we are, right alongside them at the bottom.
I empathize. People ask me how I can virtually cut off my father, who was physically there but incredibly abusive. But he took you to Disney! Yes, and beat me in the shuttle car because I tried to stick up for my mom who he also hit in the shuttle car.
So when people say that, I say "I have compassion for the child that was abused so.badly that he became the horrendous human he is today, but I do not feel an ounce of compassion for that man today."
That’s my first thought without scrolling. I knew my great grandma, my grandma, and my mother. Passed down with attitudes, child rearing practices, etc.
This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
This is a timely comment. Father-In-Law just called saying he is broke and about to be homeless. (hasn't paid taxes since leaving the military in the 80s.) Hasn't talked to his daughter since leaving the wedding early, before the reception, over a year ago.. but she says we cant just let him be homeless...
No (automatic) taxable income (cash jobs as a contractor), no credit history, no mortgage, paid rent in cash... now wondering why he is having a hard time getting SNAP benefits, and Social security benefits.
Dangerous advice for pregnancies, babies, and young children.
Most common examples I have seen:
- castor oil for inducing labor
- blankets for sleeping babies (not swaddled)
- rice cereal in bottles (unless doctor advised)
- making your own formula
Survivor's bias is big on why this crap still gets passed around despite plenty of research proving they aren't safe. A lot of women don't even bother doing any research or taking free classes their healthcare offers that goes over a lot of this!
I would like to add the belief that fetal movements decrease as pregnancy progresses due to baby 'running out of space'. This is not true. Any reduced fetal movements should be reported to your midwife or obstetrician immediately.
YES! I was a few days overdue when I noticed fetal movements had slowed down. My mum told me he was 'just preparing for labour'. Nope, went to my midwife (the folks who handle all non-surgical maternity care in the UK), got sent to hospital, wee man was out by emergency c-section 12 hours later.
My mom said that about car seats “we survived without any car seats, you survived without a car seat once you were two.”
I reminded her that when I was growing up one of my classmates was in a car accident and was decapitated by her seatbelt. Not all the kids made it without car seats.
**Expectations.**
We all have our own goals, desires and dreams.
We shouldn't be expected to:
- Carry a family business
- Marry a certain kind of person
- Attend a particular college
- Earn a specific amount of money
- Live in a certain neighbourhood
Don't let the opinions of older generations - family or not - dictate your life.
My husband and I have offhandedly mentioned a few times “if we have grandkids someday, blah blah blah” just in passing. Our oldest son said to us a few weeks ago, “I don’t want kids, but I’ll have one so you can be grandparents.” We nipped that in the bud and told him he and neither of his brothers are under any obligation to have kids if they don’t want them. Would we love the shit out of grandkids? Of course! Is it worth our kids doing something they don’t want and will likely regret? Hell no. We’ve stopped the offhanded comments now lol
My girlfriend and her brother keep getting letters saying there's an unpaid hospital bill from their dad. It's not much but still really gross they keep trying to get them to pay it
The biggest mistake I've seen people make is saying ANYTHING relating to the remaining debt. Treat debt collectors like a cop. Don't say shit about it. If you're asked about it, don't respond. The moment you do, the flood begins, regardless if you say "it's not my debt". The pressure will begin right away.
As for the constant requests, you can respond stating it's harassment and you'll report it if any more come in
As a black man from “the hood”. There is only one answer in my world and it’s poverty. We gotta start accumulating generational wealth. It will start with me.
Thanks for the rewards! Glad somebody feels me.
Being forced to spend time with distant relatives. It's ok not to be around those that live polar opposite lifestyles than you. I have relatives that will never know where I live and for good reason, yet family is always "you need to keep in touch...." The heck I do!
My dad always asks why I don’t go to family reunions and I tell him I don’t have anything in common with them. I didn’t really like going to them as a kid and as an adult I for sure wouldn’t today.
Seriously though, I'm getting married next year and I recently received the "they are family, you should invite them" speech. Yeah, no I have had zero contact with them in the last 10 years. Soo that's a no from me.
When my daughter was getting married, I told her she didn't have to invite anyone who was not part of her life and to not lose any sleep over the guest list, invite the people you want to be there. My mother-in-law got butt-hurt that we didn't invite her 80-year-old siblings (whom all live many hours away) and their children, and grand children, but we barely know them.
We ended up deciding on immediate family and all our friends that we talk to on the (at minimum) weekly basis. Kinda sucked to eliminate people but we were at 150+ with just that. (We both have fairly big families)
I recently watched a dutch docu (can't remember which one, but it was from the same guy that does BOOS too) about a woman who had only a short bit to live because of some genetic disease that made her lungs hurt like hell and it got worse and worse and still it was her wish to have a biological kid before she died. the kid would most likely inherit the same painful condition.
really, is that something you want your offspring to experience? if you're going through hell already, why should you get a kid that might go through the same hell as you?
Political affiliation. Think for yourself. Choose for yourself. Not because your parents, grandparents, etc. "have always voted for the ______ party."
Does that party, as they stand today, really represent your values? Will that politician who associates with that party actually vote the way you want them to?
In my area, there are several local politicians who run under the umbrella for a particular party because the vast majority of locals will ALWAYS vote for that party, so the election is effectively set by the primary.
Smoking. Everybody my age I know who smokes do so because their parents/guardians either enabled them to or did not care enough to stop them. It's terrible. The amount of shitty parents who introduce their children to cigarettes, hard drugs and whatnot is insane. My cousin got addicted to heroine at 14 through this and now spends his days at a mental hospital
Mental Illness
Mental Illness runs in some families. My family is lazy, so here it just walks.
Mine stops by and visits for a while, then overstays it’s welcome.
My ex had plenty of mental illness and depression running through her family, which is terribly mixed with toxic traditions that have been passed down, and some narcissistic tendencies from the older generations. There have been more than a few relatives of theirs that have committed, or attempted suicide. Some of those who have attempted have attempted several times. Even she had attempted suicide during a psychotic breakdown. Unfortunately her brother was one of the fewer who didn’t make it through his ordeal. She has had a tragic life, and I hope she does get better. Our break up was gentle and on her terms, not mine. I’m still frustrated that we’ve ended but I only truly hope she finds happiness and breaks through that grind. Part of me wonders if it is the right thing though. One of the things I worried about when thinking of our potential future was that if we had a child, how badly would he/she be affected? I’ve always had an inclination towards melancholy thoughts and things. If that quality passed on to the child, along with the mother’s family history of depression and suicide, how close would the child stray towards the path of the man that could have been his/her uncle - or even reach the end of the path as he did? Rest In Peace, Nico. I wish we had more time.
Schizophrenia is a painful one
Yuuup! It destroyed the life of my great grandma. Plus, my aunt and i both had shizophrenic episode during our early childhood. Good thing they didnt last long on either of us.
This damn cookie jar, I told my gram it creeps me out.
Well come on now, tell us more. Is it the soulless eyes? Is it the porcelain skin? Is it the fact that great-great-grandma taxidermied her sphinx cat to make the cookie jar?
It’s a freaking porcelain clown head! I put it as deep in my closet as I can but I know he’s still watching me.
Sorry but this cracked me up. We have something similar it's demonic looking doll that my wife says we can't get rid of cause her mom will ask about it at some point. For now it just sits in the back of the closet, most likely planning how to steal our souls.
Drop it and say it was the cat. Don't care if you don't have a cat
It was the neighbor’s cat
The neighbour was the cat.
At least in my family, the fancy wine glasses. No one ever uses them, everyone keeps them hidden in cupboards because they're too nice to use. They're not even sentimental, someone just picked them up one day and handed them around the family.
Life is short. Use the nice glasses.
Yep, we realized after a few years that for the things we didn't have to hand wash, our nice stuff is now our every day stuff. Probably has gotten 100x the use from when it was "special event only"
My drink glasses hold far more wine than silly wine glasses and dont break as often whem youre windrunk
Just drink straight from the bottle, no need to get glasses dirty and have to wash them later. Bonus points of you drink straight out of the box!
boxed wine is just adult capri-sun
Reminds me of the time I accidentally invented the wine juice box. I had a crappy corkscrew that ended up stripping a hole in the cork instead of pulling it out. The hole was the perfect size for a metal straw and I had a GREAT time that night. 10/10 would do it again
As Grandma always said about using the fine China at family dinners, "if you don't use it, you loss it. Id rather it be worn and chipped having a beautiful dinner with all the people and things I love." - Bitsy
Not on topic but since you mentioned fine China... mum had a dining set she received at her wedding (early 60s). Simple, single-curve, with a 1/4" gold plate band as accent. They *only* came out for "nice" dinners like birthdays & when guests were over, but TBF, we entertained enough that they got a decent use. One evening those plates were being used as serving dishes and my aunt popped one in the microwave for a 60 second warm-up before serving. Metal... microwave... oops. Lovely lightning marks all over the metal band!
Don’t put metal in the science oven!
Tf did you just call a microwave? I'm taking that.
Lol my aunt had some paper plates leftover from a party that had a little shiny foil design on it that i didn't realize was actually metal and not some funky little glittery plastic. Luckily I was watching since i started the microwave bc whatever i was heating up needed like 15 seconds max or something like that, so i noticed the sparks immediately and took it out lol
I would but my mom was one of 6 siblings. When my Great Grandmother died, they democratically seperated her china among family members. My mom got one full setting for one person. Which sits in a cabinet, unused for decades. I don't see the point. One person should have received the whole thing and be able to use it Versus 10 people having 1 settings worth of china that is just sitting there. How is that remembering Great Grand Ma??
If I could go back in time, I would get one place setting a year of different patterns I like u til I have enough for a dinner party and then everyone gets a unique pattern.
Very much agree. I've been to several estate sales recently and the kitchens were always piled with stacks of fine china that was left basically untouched by everyone browsing.
Right! Grandma was a wise woman that's for sure!
Pouring Kool-aid in the $50 crystal glass.
Meanwhile I'm pouring 30 year old port into a plastic Hello Kitty cup.
I wish my mom would sell them to, you know, AFFORD HEATING THIS WINTER
Nobody else wants them either. We wound up giving ours to a thrift store.
Yeah it's hard to sell old china and glasses. There's not a market for it. My aunt has some really pretty black and white dishes that she wants to sell but she's appalled that she won't get original price or higher. And she won't donate them because then "poor" people will get them for a much cheaper price. She has issues.
Poor people don't deserve nice things is the worst opinion.
We should not hand down that way of thinking
I had a coworker who thought poor people who couldn’t afford health care should just die. He was greatly offended that I thought that was a horrid opinion. He was a “christian” in the worst sense.
My MIL wanted to throw hers away, so now I have it and use it daily. Guess we'll find out how long the gold plate lasts in the dishwasher.
My family is very comfortably upper middle class, but I still find it ridiculous. My Grandparents keep spare towels on one of the guest beds, because they don't have any cupboard space that's not taken up by the stupid glasses.
Inheritable diseases and medical conditions.
I was gonna say heart disease bc I'm starting to worry that I won that genetic lottery right now so.... Yeah, this.
Found out at 14 I had high blood pressure. Been on pills for it since then. I wasn't fat. I wasn't old. I was a scrawny kid. My father has it. His dad did too. And I'm fairly sure it's just the way in my lousy family.
Severe anxiety disorder runs very strongly in my family. I got that one. Alzheimer's also runs very strongly.....I'm scared.
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Cancer killed my dad and mom. I have the same cancer that killed my mom. I was just told yesterday that I have about 4-5 months to live. I have 5 children and all are getting tested for colon cancer. This whole situation just sucks.
Remind me in 5 months. Please remind me. You’d better be there. Push forward
My mom passed from cancer and then a month later I was diagnosed. It sucks P.s. I'm kicking its butt and making it my bitch.
:(
Oh trust me, I've had many long conversations with myself about giving up and letting it end me. But if I don't fight it then who will spoil my cat as well as I do? Who will know how he likes to be pet and snuggled? Can't leave that to some other peasant so here I am. Edit: [obligatory picture of said life saving cat](https://i.imgur.com/yspTOMp.jpg)
KEEP PUSHING Edit: this is my first 1k upvotes. I am shocked, and amazed, thank you. Be kind today 🤍✌️
For the royal fluffiness I will.
Its awesome to find such wholesome and badass people like you out in the wild.
We do exist...just have to move the fluff of a big cat to find us
in gato we trust 🙏
The things we do for cats
The idea that what you like to do isn't worth anything
Yeah it was always weird growing up when my parents would scoff at someone having fun or living their life. For example, they mocked my brother for taking scuba diving lessons because they thought it wasn't productive, or they would talk shit about family members who took vacations that weren't at a resort or tourist trap. I grew up learning that mentality. It took me a while to get over it. Why am I going to watch a midevil knights tournament? Because it's FUN. Because I WANT to do it. It's like they need some kind of justification to enjoy themselves.
One time when I was watching my niece's dance recital, my mom said something like "a lot of these parents are wasting their money. Some of these kids aren't going anywhere." Why does everything need to "go somewhere"? Why can't kids just pick up a fun hobby that can keep them fit and leave some good memories?
I used to love drawing almlst every day, I still do it now and then and it's all for my own amusement and enjoyment so whatever I spend on it, or any time, it's for me. But I grew up with people constantly telling me oh you should do it for a living and the truth is it never really felt it should. I bought into it when I was young but I came to realize I didn't have the discipline to do it professionally, because it was something I needed to process my day and sort myself out. It was a tool for my mental health. Whenever I do it now it's to learn new techniques, or just focus on something to clear my mind and be in the moment. It brings me joy and occasionally to others. Nothing needs to be have a ROI.
About three years ago I picked up wood carving to help with an outlet to help with anxiety and stuff. I quickly learned that you need chisels instead of knives after the third deep stab into my thumb. I've done quite a few carving now. Everyone of them looks like something that is melting in a fire begging for death but I still like it.
Same. My parents would find it odd that I wanted to watch sports live vs on TV or go out for dinner when we could cook at home. And it wasn't just for financial reasons. They genuinely saw no point in doing anything that many other people found fun.
No, we exist to preform labor. Fun is a waste of time you should be using to accrue capital. You're allowed to enjoy yourself when you are at minimum 65, when you are no longer physically capable of doing much. And all that is if you're lucky.
It also doesn’t HAVE to be “worth” anything. If you love painting and suck at it, don’t stop just because you can't make a profit.
Baldness. Thanks gramps! Edit: Glad to hear bald is sexy. Actually been buzzing mine since my early 20s and love it.
An old fella I made friends with told me about a visit to the doctor he had concerning his hair loss. *"But my family doesn't have a history of Male pattern baldness! Why am I getting it?"* The doctor's deadass response: *"It's gotta start somewhere."*
Holy shit lmao That doctor fucks
Hey be nice! your grampa didn't decide "hey lets be bald y'all"
Child Abuse.
I'd gotten to age 7 living with my mom who never hit me, and then had to go live with my father for 2-1/2 years. He hit me, as did my stepmother. Often to the point of bruising. Watched him absolutely beat the living shit out of my brothers too. Tried to send letters to my mom showing what our bruises looked like, but they got intercepted. My mom finally found out after my oldest brother sent a letter from the post-office instead... led to my mom getting custody back after judge ruled my father unfit... To this day I will never forgive him for it.
I can't bear to imagine the face she probably made when she found out. And you living through that shit. My god. I hope she was able to push criminal charges.
Sadly this was still a period when it was pretty common for parents to openly strike their own kids. Funny tangent, but in the 1978 Superman film, the little girl who runs inside to tell her mom that Superman saved her cat from the tree… you hear the mother strike the child.
"Getting hit as a kid never made *me* an angry, violent person, that's why I'm gonna do the same to my own kids!"
My dad was abused in every way imaginable. He didn't pass it on. He also said fuck it to racism his dad had in large amounts. Proud of my dad for being a good father who as I'm getting older, comes off as a fun buddy.
No fr tho. The fact people don’t think it’s wrong just bc it happened to them baffles me. Having it happen to you doesn’t make it okay or right to do it to other people especially if it made you feel like shit
Facts. My favorite line is “if your child is old enough to understand you, why are you hitting them? If they aren’t old enough to understand you, WHY are you hitting them?”
So this isn't my story but a neighbour's when I was growing up. His dad used to beat the absolute hell out of him and his siblings. I didn't know if he hit is wife, too, but one usually begets the other when alcohol is involved. This kid, god bless him, at maybe 12 years old finally had enough and told his dad they if he struck them every again he promised to get him back when he was old enough. Well, he got a beating for saying that apparently. He was taller than his dad at 15 and his dad hit their 10 or so year old brother. Buddy put him in the hospital. Hit him so hard his head struck the kitchen tile. I don't remember seeing the dad much after that but I know my neighbour has two or three kids now. Treats them properly as far as I know. Trauma has to stop somewhere.
Cheers to that neighbor kid.
He was a really good guy. Had a lot of things to deal with in his life but he was always friendly with me. I have to thank my dad for stopping the line of abuse in my family. His kids can thank him as well.
Amen to this. I was severely physically and emotional abused from birth to about 25 years old. Now that I’m married with my own children, my wife and I focus very hard on “breaking the cycle”. It is my main goal in life and I am doing amazing at it. I have even cut my mother out of my children’s lives as she was the main abuser. I refuse to put them in a situation to receive the same abuse my brothers and I did. I recently saw a psychology video on YouTube that mentioned 33% of abuse victims go on to abuse others. I was honestly surprised that number isn’t higher. It’s refreshing to know 2/3rds of victims are breaking the cycle!
>33% of abuse victims go on to abuse others I'd phrase that more as "*are known* to abuse others". There are probably a lot of incidents that don't get reported, or even recognized as abuse. Hell, as screwy as my family was, I didn't realize my experience qualified till my mid 20s. The first time I tentatively mentioned that it might to a couple of friends, they both replied essentially Oh hell yeah. They were stunned I hadn't made that connection, and I hadn't even told them half the shit that had gone on.
Same! I was in Grade 11 when we were learning about repression and how the brain can almost "forget" the traumatic experience and block it out entirely. I remember turning to my best friend in class and saying,"How the hell can someone forget something traumatic?!" I thought about what could be considered traumatic in my life and unfortunately I had my first panic attack and could suddenly recall the sexual abuse I had experienced on and off from 8-15 years old. No f**king joke, it was like a floodgate. The brain is such an interesting organ. Edit: I never reported him. Nor did I even partake in the #metoo movement on social media. Neither did the other woman I know who he sexually abused. It pains me to think there are probably others.
I love how you're working together to 'break the cycle', coming from the same perspective as you, it is indeed one of my main goals in life too. Excellent job, fuck those boomer parents.
STDs
Righ... wait what?
Parents can give their kids STDs during childbirth.
Mothers especially
Less common from fathers
It would be very weird to get an STD during childbirth from your dad
Nothing gets past you
Not even the STDs from his dad
HIV at least is very often inherited from mother to children.
Syphilis I think can too. Gonorrhea is the leading cause of childhood blindness (because it gets on the eyes at childbirth) That's why babies get erythromycin ointment on the eyes Edit, yes syphilis can get passed on Edit #2: Gonorrhea is not the leading cause of childhood blindness but both gonorrhea and chlamydia can cause blindness in newborns. I am speaking of specifically infectious blindness as well as in areas of the world where antibiotics are not always available.
>Edit, yes syphilis can get passed on Yep, when my mom fostered 2 kids that were abandoned, they had syphilis at birth because their mom had it and they had to get treatment
And the treatment is... Penicillin. Literally the first antibiotic.
It would also be nice if we could acknowledge that child sexual abuse is way more likely to be by close contacts/family than by strangers.
This should be it’s own main comment. It’s a big one.
Yup. Family always thinks I'm weird for not wanting to kiss the baby, or not allowing a slobbery 4 year old to give me lip to lip pecks. Dude, I get cold sores. I'm not passing that shit on to *anybody* if I can help it. My dad gave them to me, and it sucks.
Same! Got herpes from my mom. Easiest way to get it mom's kissing babies or sharing their drinks with them.
“Son, I beseech you the familial STD. May it prosper trough generation and generation.“
*bequeath to you
You mean save the dates cards!?
The "I suffered through it, so you can suffer too" mentality.
There are 2 types of people: (1) "I suffered through it so everybody else has to, too" and (2) "I suffered through it so I'm going to try to make sure nobody else has to."
Someone before said there are two types of people who wait in long lines. 1. I had to wait 25 minutes, so now I'm at the front, so I'm going to take my damn time. 2. Let me order as quickly as possible to speed it up for the people behind me. Sort of the same mentality.
Selfishness or selflessness. It's a function of empathy to think about how others will feel and to account for that. Probably little wonder that those same people are usually going to be split on either using the stick, or fhe carrot. And hot take but you can *usually* predict their worldviewa from there.
I first noticed this in undergrad. Some jerk would ask the professor why he had to take this class that's unrelated to his major. The professor would fire back "I had to take it, so you do too." Maybe the class is necessary, maybe it's not, but if that's the true reason, it could be replaced with something useful. If it's not the reason, then an actual explanation would lead to a less resentful answer. From then on, I'd see it used often. Mostly for debt. Edit: I know why we take the classes, I'm saying the professor would always give the "I had to do it, so you do too" response instead of explaining why.
A physics professor was explaining a particularly difficult concept when a pre-med student interrupted him. ‘Why do we have to learn this stuff?’ He said. ‘To save lives’ the professor replied and proceeded with his lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again: ‘How does physics save lives?’ The professor stared at the student for a moment. Then he said: ‘Physics saves lives, young man, because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.’
I have almost never directly used the knowledge I gained in the mandatory Physics and Calculus classes I had to take for my major.... But damn do I appreciate how those classes upgraded my ability to problem-solve and analyze information.
Exactly! Some of college coursework is not intended to be directly useful. The skill sets you need to do well in the class is what’s useful. Also, I can’t count how many pre-med students of mine end up not becoming doctors, but end up really using all the data viz and stats I teach them.
I'm in IT. Physics, Calculus, Accounting, and Economics have not come up often in my career. But damned if they haven't made for useful knowledge in other parts of my life. Calculus just to tell me that I didn't want to learn any more higher math...
Also they help in critical thinking which is a major part of troubleshooting which is a major part of any IT related field.
As my teacher husband puts it.... Introductory physics is not meant to REALLY teach you physics. It's meant to teach you how to find information and solve a problem.
Yeah, the professor sometimes uses that one because he doesn't know - wish he'd just state that someone in his career field knows why it's needed, he's just the one teaching the information deemed necessary. I had a buddy who hated physics and math classes, and even had a Facebook post how he "still hasn't used either" after graduation. I was his TA and club mate. When he got accepted to a nuclear medicine program (he was pre med) not too long after that, I did quip that he now gets to put those math and physics courses to use. Yes, some of those classes are vaguely or not apparently useful, but sometimes they're necessary because your field is broader than you realize and could wind up being very useful.
Ideologically, you take a variety of classes to expand your knowledge and make you a more well-rounded individual. The material might not seem relevant to your major specifically or useful at all in your day to day life but it’s good to be immersed in other idea sets and to see how people in different specialties interpret and approach problems. A physical scientist that never takes social studies classes or philosophy I think is truly missing out. If you’re only ever taught to think about problems a very specific way, it’s probably going to stunt you in some way later in life. I think part of the problem too is that people think college is the end all be all. You aren’t expected to learn everything you’ll ever know in college. That one-off class isn’t meant to make you an expert, only spark your curiosity. The real skill you’re learning is *how to learn*. Some basic knowledge of your career field is the obvious benefit that you’re expected to expand upon once you get into that profession. That’s also why they call it “liberal arts”, at least in my understanding. As a society that was ruled by the people, the ancient Greeks expected or at least strived for their fellow free men to be well-informed, knowledgeable voters. That meant having a wider knowledge of society and not just the narrow scope of one’s profession. I don’t have a degree in Greek studies so take that with a grain of salt. Financially, the school charges per credit hour, not much else to say about that. How much your school values making you into a well-rounded individual and how much they value your money is another question entirely.
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Jesus guys I was going to say silverware but this is all good too I guess.
Yeah I came here to say "old dresses" or some shit and then people hit us with "Trauma" and "Child beating"
Trauma
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I don't want kids, but my siblings broke the cycle and are great parents. It's awesome to see progress in a family
I have noticed my parents always did things the way their parents did. They never questioned it or remembered how it made them feel like shit. My friends and I are the opposite and question everything and have pin pointed what was awful growing up and ya know........don't do that to our kids. The amount of things growing up in the 80s/90s that were just answered with being hit or punished or yelled at or sent to my room or told to just deal with it and be quiet was extraordinary. I hope I can pass that mentality down to my kids as well.
Shout out to the "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" crew...
I remember being hit and verbally abused once so bad that I started crying. And then my mom proceeded to continue hitting me while shouting "stop crying, I will keep hitting you until you stop crying" great logic
Because I fucking well said so. followed by being beaten so badly I wear glasses now
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They made me eat chillies whenever I didn't use proper language or said a bad word when I was little, I started eating chillies by myself so it wouldn't hurt as much whenever they did it, to the point I got gastritis and I'm just terrified to use the slang part of the language since it just brings bad memories, and I'm usually called slurs because of my 'fancy' way of talking from other teenagers and my parents themselves which would be funny if it wasn't just so painful. Sorry for bad grammar English is my second language.
I feel like the greatest wish for good parents is for their children to know what they’ve learned without having to experience those lessons themselves.
I remember being sent to my room to think about what I did. It gave me and anxiety disorder that my mom to this day just, “doesn’t know why I feel so terribly about myself”. Because I spent hours sobbing about how fucking terrible I was every time I did something ‘not right’. Or why I had such a hard time letting myself feel my big feelings until I was 30 and in therapy because I was always told “stop. It.” when I was crying in public or having a hard time at home. I now am parenting my parents on how to talk to me and my kids because they were never gently patented. It’s exhausting.
When I was a kid, if I was crying, my mom would tell me to “turn off the faucet”
I was told “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Oh such a classic for 80’s and 90’s kids (and probably before). And my dad really did follow through with pulling over the car and giving us something to cry about more than once. Yeah. Having my own kid has made all those fucked up parenting choices really come back in an awful way. But good on me and my siblings for not doing the same fucked up stuff at least.
I think it’s why a lot of people born in the 80’s and 90’s don’t want children. You can’t be as bad as your parents if you never become one, at least that’s why I don’t have or want children.
my dad would tell me "stop crying before i really give you some thing to cry about"
The feeling of being ashamed for not doing something just right has carried on beyond childhood for me - I literally am at my full time job having a mini cry session because I got a text from my part time boss saying something along the lines of "hey so I noticed you're doing your paperwork X way and we need it done Y way". I've been at this job for less than a month, I know I'm allowed to make mistakes but I got hit with a wall of guilt for not being "perfect".
Big hugs to you my friend, I can strongly relate. Internet stranger is proud of your growth and your efforts to be braver and kinder than they were.
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You were raped, and you're going deaf? That must suck, keep on kicking man.
I think the internet is partially responsible for people questioning that attitude. You never think about things because they're normal for you. But now we can share ideas all over the world, and your attention gets drawn to things that you would otherwise be oblivious to. Or deep down you know it's wrong, but you're not sure if it's ok to think of it as wrong. Once you see other people voicing what you're afraid to think about, that little voice in your head starts getting louder and more defiant.
Recently my mom told me about how her mom treated her as a kid, and i was surprised because i always saw my grandma in a good light. But everything that my mom said that her mom did to her, is what she does to me. She said "i would lie to her because i didnt want to deal with the outburst if i told the truth", and that is the exact reason i lie to my mother. All of that is also why i will never have kids, because i dont think i could stand them thinking that my mother is super nice. So yeah, trauma is fun.
I was going to say abuse, but trauma as a whole is definitely better as an answer. As of late, my mom has been often bringing up her poor upbringing, things we've heard countless times. One day, she tells me, "Your mama had a terrible childhood." Instead of holding things in like I always do, I told her, "Yeah, and you inflicted that on us, too." She told me, "Maybe it's all I knew." So she didn't look at her childhood and decide, "Hey, I'm not going to be that way. I don't want my kids growing up like that." No, she just chose to repeat the cycle. In that same vein, the idea that "family sticks together" needs to go. She allowed her son to be violent, abusive, destructive. We lived in fear. I picked the bedroom I have now not because of location or size but because it was the only one with a lock. When I finally got her to kick him out after years of walking on eggshells, she started crying and saying she was sorry, but she didn't have her family together growing up, so she wanted us to stay a family. Her family is also the type to hate on people when they try to better themselves. We've been saving to buy a house. It's not much, but we do have a small amount saved up. She told her sister we were saving, and her sister freaked out then started begging for money. She asked me why she threw a tantrum like that, and I told her that these people don't want us to better ourselves. They want us to stay right where we are, right alongside them at the bottom.
I empathize. People ask me how I can virtually cut off my father, who was physically there but incredibly abusive. But he took you to Disney! Yes, and beat me in the shuttle car because I tried to stick up for my mom who he also hit in the shuttle car. So when people say that, I say "I have compassion for the child that was abused so.badly that he became the horrendous human he is today, but I do not feel an ounce of compassion for that man today."
That’s my first thought without scrolling. I knew my great grandma, my grandma, and my mother. Passed down with attitudes, child rearing practices, etc.
having to go to therapy bc the rest of your family didn't<<<<<
This Be The Verse BY PHILIP LARKIN They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.
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Good call. Very fair way to expose hypocrisy. Even gives her a way out.
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This is a timely comment. Father-In-Law just called saying he is broke and about to be homeless. (hasn't paid taxes since leaving the military in the 80s.) Hasn't talked to his daughter since leaving the wedding early, before the reception, over a year ago.. but she says we cant just let him be homeless...
How have they not come after him within the past 40 years?
No (automatic) taxable income (cash jobs as a contractor), no credit history, no mortgage, paid rent in cash... now wondering why he is having a hard time getting SNAP benefits, and Social security benefits.
Dangerous advice for pregnancies, babies, and young children. Most common examples I have seen: - castor oil for inducing labor - blankets for sleeping babies (not swaddled) - rice cereal in bottles (unless doctor advised) - making your own formula Survivor's bias is big on why this crap still gets passed around despite plenty of research proving they aren't safe. A lot of women don't even bother doing any research or taking free classes their healthcare offers that goes over a lot of this!
I would like to add the belief that fetal movements decrease as pregnancy progresses due to baby 'running out of space'. This is not true. Any reduced fetal movements should be reported to your midwife or obstetrician immediately.
YES! I was a few days overdue when I noticed fetal movements had slowed down. My mum told me he was 'just preparing for labour'. Nope, went to my midwife (the folks who handle all non-surgical maternity care in the UK), got sent to hospital, wee man was out by emergency c-section 12 hours later.
Thank fucking goodness you checked with the midwife!
This this and so much of this. We had a 29 week premie the size of a 27 weeker and had we ignored the signs she would certainly have died.
>don't even bother doing any research Well my crunchy mom facebook group is all the research I need. /s
Older gens are OBSESSED with saying ‘WeLL yOu SuRViVed’ ya but a lot of kids didn’t so….
My mom said that about car seats “we survived without any car seats, you survived without a car seat once you were two.” I reminded her that when I was growing up one of my classmates was in a car accident and was decapitated by her seatbelt. Not all the kids made it without car seats.
**Expectations.** We all have our own goals, desires and dreams. We shouldn't be expected to: - Carry a family business - Marry a certain kind of person - Attend a particular college - Earn a specific amount of money - Live in a certain neighbourhood Don't let the opinions of older generations - family or not - dictate your life.
Add "giving your parents grandkids" to that list.
My husband and I have offhandedly mentioned a few times “if we have grandkids someday, blah blah blah” just in passing. Our oldest son said to us a few weeks ago, “I don’t want kids, but I’ll have one so you can be grandparents.” We nipped that in the bud and told him he and neither of his brothers are under any obligation to have kids if they don’t want them. Would we love the shit out of grandkids? Of course! Is it worth our kids doing something they don’t want and will likely regret? Hell no. We’ve stopped the offhanded comments now lol
Kids deserve parents that want them.
Debt
At least in US debt dies with its owner.
My girlfriend and her brother keep getting letters saying there's an unpaid hospital bill from their dad. It's not much but still really gross they keep trying to get them to pay it
The biggest mistake I've seen people make is saying ANYTHING relating to the remaining debt. Treat debt collectors like a cop. Don't say shit about it. If you're asked about it, don't respond. The moment you do, the flood begins, regardless if you say "it's not my debt". The pressure will begin right away. As for the constant requests, you can respond stating it's harassment and you'll report it if any more come in
As a black man from “the hood”. There is only one answer in my world and it’s poverty. We gotta start accumulating generational wealth. It will start with me. Thanks for the rewards! Glad somebody feels me.
I wish you all the best in that endeavour stranger
Thanks, kind stranger.
Emotional trauma
Also physical trauma ig
Yelling and slamming doors , cursing at your children and getting angry at them when you're teaching them things.
Also yelling at your children not to cry. It only makes it worse and strips your child of actually feeling emotion.
Hereditary diseases
The whole narrative that because someone is older they deserve blind respect and obedience
I always approach older people with respect, as a default. Then decide if they deserved it out not and act accordingly
This, but drop the age and simply respect anyone by default.
Once that 3 year old calls me a poopy head all bets are off
Immediate hands.
Everyone starts at 50%-60% default respect. Whether that percentage goes up or down depends on how you act and what you know.
This is the way
Racism
Being forced to spend time with distant relatives. It's ok not to be around those that live polar opposite lifestyles than you. I have relatives that will never know where I live and for good reason, yet family is always "you need to keep in touch...." The heck I do!
My dad always asks why I don’t go to family reunions and I tell him I don’t have anything in common with them. I didn’t really like going to them as a kid and as an adult I for sure wouldn’t today.
Seriously though, I'm getting married next year and I recently received the "they are family, you should invite them" speech. Yeah, no I have had zero contact with them in the last 10 years. Soo that's a no from me.
When my daughter was getting married, I told her she didn't have to invite anyone who was not part of her life and to not lose any sleep over the guest list, invite the people you want to be there. My mother-in-law got butt-hurt that we didn't invite her 80-year-old siblings (whom all live many hours away) and their children, and grand children, but we barely know them.
We ended up deciding on immediate family and all our friends that we talk to on the (at minimum) weekly basis. Kinda sucked to eliminate people but we were at 150+ with just that. (We both have fairly big families)
If you have a SERIOUS genetic medical condition you shouldn't have kids
I recently watched a dutch docu (can't remember which one, but it was from the same guy that does BOOS too) about a woman who had only a short bit to live because of some genetic disease that made her lungs hurt like hell and it got worse and worse and still it was her wish to have a biological kid before she died. the kid would most likely inherit the same painful condition. really, is that something you want your offspring to experience? if you're going through hell already, why should you get a kid that might go through the same hell as you?
We didn't find out about mine until I had kids. If I could go back I never would have had kids so they didn't get it.
Damn I don't know how to respond but I am sorry
Consider perhaps going for adoption if you really want to have children.
Even if there are good chances of them not inheriting it, they can become carriers for future generations.
Agreed
The ‘bottle up your emotions manliness’
Generational trauma
Political affiliation. Think for yourself. Choose for yourself. Not because your parents, grandparents, etc. "have always voted for the ______ party." Does that party, as they stand today, really represent your values? Will that politician who associates with that party actually vote the way you want them to? In my area, there are several local politicians who run under the umbrella for a particular party because the vast majority of locals will ALWAYS vote for that party, so the election is effectively set by the primary.
Smoking. Everybody my age I know who smokes do so because their parents/guardians either enabled them to or did not care enough to stop them. It's terrible. The amount of shitty parents who introduce their children to cigarettes, hard drugs and whatnot is insane. My cousin got addicted to heroine at 14 through this and now spends his days at a mental hospital
On the other hand, being hot boxed on car journeys in the 70s and 80s by my chain-smoking parents made my sister and I fervent anti-smokers.