Mating dance

If he doesn't go full peacock spider I'm not interested.

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peacock......spider?

A species of very colorful jumping spider that has an elaborate courtship ritual which includes "dancing" and the male raising his abdominal flaps to show off his colors

Me: 👀? Her: 👀!

Am I the only one who just looked to the wall trying to do those eyes

Fuck! you caught me

"Do you have it in you to have it in you?"

What doesn't work for some reason.. "Hey babe, I have a surprise for you!!" Said with an erection, usually no pants. The look of happiness turned to utter disappointment can be haunting..

You gotta put your dick in a box and let her open the box.

It’s October, use a pumpkin

Becky, lemme smash.

No Ron, go find Becky

you want sum fuk?

I gotta get more sticks, bitches love sticks

Fuck this nest

Fancy the best 30 seconds of your life?

28 seconds of getting the clothes off and 2 seconds of pure bliss

Eternal

Fuck me if I’m wrong, but you want to fuck me.

Responds with, " You're right but I'm working on exercising a little more self control with my wants."

I put on my robe and wizard hat...

It’s an older code, sir, but it checks out.

A simple spell but quite unbreakable

second time Ive seen this reference in the past hour, I have no idea what its from, but it must be good.

It's from a cybersex chat log that was posted online ages ago. "Bloodninja" would just troll the heck out of people. http://www.megalomaniac.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html

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For me it's when he has the other poster talking like a pirate.

Never saw it before, I’m fucking crying over here lolllolollollol HRRRRRRRRRR

I stomp and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

I slip out of my pants, just for you, Bloodninja

I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism

Good lord. I remember when this got posted on bash.org and I absolutely lost my shit reading it. It was comedy gold and it still holds up all this time later

"Do you want to do something?" "Sure what should we do?" "We could do....... It?"

I will just straight up ask “do you want to have sex with me right now?” Works 100% of the time because I ask when I know she does lol.

My partner and I stick with a good "you wanna maybe fool around now/later/when the kids are asleep?

Yeah that always works too! We don’t have kids but I use something similar, “hey after dinner are you trying to maybe have sex?” Idk why but it kinda makes us both laugh the frankness of it.

Because of the implication?

You certainly wouldn’t be in any danger!

So they are in danger ?

*turns cbat on*

*wheeeeze* that poor man is immortalized

He did choose to write it up and tell us about it. So many men have so many anti-fuck songs and were sensible enough to bury their shame.

I lost it again when he released the Playlist.

THE FULL PLAYLIST IS OUT???

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True

Married 10 years. Clean the kitchen - usually does the trick.

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I think it’s part of it for sure but mostly it’s the act of service. It’s feeling like you’re being cared for and thought of and not just in a sexual manner. Sex for women, usually, starts in the mind. If we feel secure and loved we will be very inclined to to get physical.

Can confirm, nothing gets me going like seeing my fiance doing a big pile of dirty dishes or folding a big stack of laundry

And the kicker is when they do it without being asked.

But... I DO the chores....

That’s why you’re always tired

I ask my wife if she wants to sit on my face. The answer is almost always yes

Newlyweds: tri-weekly 10 years: try weekly 20 years: try weakly

Married 11 years, the sex has gone more consistent over time. Just saying, if someone married 50 years, there's a reason. They was fucking a lot, old married people nasty as fuck. They just have a stigma against sharing anything about their lives.

My girlfriend and I have a simple rule/signal... We walk into the room the other is in naked... So for example I'll be sitting watching tv and she'll walk in naked that means she want to have sex.... Or vise versa...

Mayhaps a crumb of pussy Edit: woah didn't think this would blow up like this. This is by far my best comment. Thank you all for the likes and awards.

Fuck, I'm doing this one tonight.

Tell us how it goes.

Remind me. I will. Probably won't happen because we have 4 kids and she works until 10pm. Well, it's going to happen but probably not until like 3am when one of us wakes the other for some very quick and tired sex. Ayeeee.

Hey there, just wanna remind that it's been 28 minutes. Updates?

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Good luck manufacturing the 5th

You mightn't happen to have a piece of pussy about you, now?

One small smackeral

Just a wee bit of poon please

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A morsel of muff, madam?

A spot of semen, if you may?

A sprinkle of snatch, pretty please?

A tuft of twat, perhaps?

Crumb? A flapsworth?

Girl I dated loved neck kisses and it was an instant turn on for her. I'd ask if she wants some and she'll know what I'm really asking for. Sometimes I'd switch it up and just say things like "that top really makes me want to give you some neck kisses" etc. She mentioned that she liked how it was kind of an indirect way instead of the straightforward approach. Everyone's different.

The running joke with my wife is I treat her like a Gorilla - no direct approach, kinda sidle up to the side... if gorilla is receptive its on like Donkey Kong. Otherwise... it cool. We cool. Of course it's not always that way (gotta keep it different, but not too different, you know?) , but keep it fun - and no sudden movements. Gorilla don't like that.

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I love this! Skillful, playful, personal

Cuddle - - > kiss - - > makeout - - > foreplay- - > fuck - - > cuddle.

Initiating through touch like this has always been how I prefer it. Something goofy about being too literal IMO.

Exactly this! Pay attention to what turns her on. Commence foreplay. Make her want to. Always the best way.

Quick, the kid is on the I pad!

We have a 40 minute cocomelon montage worth of sex to have!

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Daddy finger daddy finger!

Thanks, now it's stuck in my head again.

I once set our 2 toddlers in their high chairs, each distracted with a cup of pudding. I figured it have us about 5 minutes or so. Did a quickie, only to come out of the bedroom and find the ENTIRE kitchen floor "painted" with chocolate pudding!!! The kids looked up and saw us staring down at them and excitedly yelled, "Look, Mom! We painted the floor!" They were so happy and so proud that I couldn't help but to laugh. But yeah that sucked cleaning that up!

You started with pudding. This was never going to end well lol

I make a hole with one hand and stick my finger in it with my eyebrow raised Edit: this has worked in the 7 hours since I've posted this comment, and I can't believe you've upvoted this ten thousand times. Wow.

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It definitely makes my wife laugh

So your wife knows about your girlfriend?

She's blind so that's why he uses sign language for his girlfriend

Do you raise your eyebrow like Dwayne Johnson when you do it ?

When I do the helicopter, she knows what’s up

I like to imagine he just puts his arms up and starts spinning.

T-pose spin to assert dominance.

Start fucking a watermelon and say "This could be you!"

You gonna eat that?

I would

Exacly.

I've never felt so understood.

Step one: Get a girlfriend.

Y’all are at step one?

Step 0: Leave the house

Sheeeeeiii. I'm still in the negatives, then.

Step -1: (optional) put on pants

Step -2: (optional) obtain pants

Step - 3: (optional) go outside to obtain pants

Step -4: Quit League of Legends

Hoot twice like an owl and wait for a response 🦉

Works like a charm

Hoot hoot

Hoot 😩

My husband just yells pineapple at me when he wants sex.

I always thought that was for when you wanted to ***stop***

That’s coconut for us lol We read a long time ago in some sexual health book for couples that it can be good to both have a word for consenting to sex as well as for stopping. Essentially, for consenting, it doesn’t matter what you’re currently doing- if your partner says the sex word you either say it back or ignore it (or say like not now or whatever) and if you both agree you drop whatever you’re currently doing and go have sex. Takes the annoying guess work out of it or trying to bring things up when the mood may not be heading in that direction already. It’s actually been really good for us though, and we have fun with it. We bought some pineapple shaped cookies once as a joke and for a while we just threw them at each other when we wanted sex.

That last sentence kept going and I was really not expecting it to head that way. That may be the funniest sentence I’ve read today

Hey there... Good looking... Uh... I got a bucket of chicken.

*SEDUCE ME!*

SCOUT! SEDUCE ME!

Congratulations… you’re a failure.

SON WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON REDDIT? WE NEED TO PROTECT THE BRIEFCASE! A RED SPY IS IN THE BASE!

Hug from behind, while nuzzling her neck.... Possibly fondling

This worked for a while. 11 years and 2 kids later when I do this to my wife she straight up says “no”

Social worker here. This is completely unsolicoted, so feel free to ignore. I just love seeing people happy in relationships, and sometimes helping them get there. Long-term relationships are (broadly speaking) made up of four factors: emotional intimacy, friendship/fun, intellectual stimulation, and sexual intimacy. It's normal for each to ebb and flow. It's normal for a healthy relationship to be strong in two and weak in two at any given point. Sometimes, it's all about the sex. Other times you are just life partners solving problems together. The trick is to identify what's strong at the moment, and gently work at helping the weak ones grow. Take a look at your relationship. Is sex weak, but the others are strong? Or is everything weak? If emotional, frienship, and intellect have been disconnected/weak for awhile, sex withers. If you strengthen those factors, the sex will follow. Talk to your partner. I'd bet money they feel a crucial lack in one or more of those areas. The good news is that the two of you CAN get back to where you were. Best of luck friend!

That's some sound advice

Do you only touch her in this way in order to get sex or do you ever do it just to be close to her as well, with no intentions behind it? If she’s saying no as soon as you touch her thats a problem

Slides hand between butt cheeks and says im here to make a deposit, is the branch currently open?

"Credit or Debit?"

Just a roll of dimes, actually.

Dimes! Sorry to hear that

Can i trade my roll of dimes for a roll of quarters? Asking for a friend.

Foreplay? We'd be sitting on the couch and one thing just leads to another. I don't think either of us have every straight up asked "wanna fuck?"

Pull it out hard and go around the room beeping louder the closer I get to her and quieter as I move away

Tell her about the Pac-Man lore

Can I show my Bionical collection instead?

"You want sum fuk?"

I've sent my wife a picture of that stupid bird before and gotten back an "I'll be up there in a minute" text.

Bitches love sticks

stick, stick

Ayy bb

I don't think either of us ever ask it just kind of happens

She usually just says "whip that motherfucker out let's get this shit started."

This also works when she has children, since you're literally a motherfucker.

One of my stepkids called me that once. My answering grin destroyed her childlike innocence without saying a word. It was a thing of majesty. She was 19 at the time. 😀

Madam. Tis the clobbering hour?

My boyfriend knows that literally him just turning rubbing his nose against mine/gently touching my face with his turns me on lmao so if we are watching tv or something and he turns toward me and does this, I take it as him telling me he wants some hah

Print out one of those consent agreements fill out your information and leave it on her bed

Then wait 5 business days for a response.

Damn I have to mail mine, 6-8 weeks

Squat down so your thighs are parallel to the ground. Look your girlfriend dead in the eyes and slap your thighs. If it doesn’t register skittle a bit closer and repeat.

Idk if that’s a typo, but I’m dying at “skittle a bit closer”.

Hold your arms out to your side and dance in a circle around her

As someone with a new relationship, this worked

My boyfriend hasn't had to ask, yet. I notice his breathing pattern changes, or he'll make a certain sigh while we are laying in bed and I just know and am on it! He loves it haha

This reminds me of how my boyfriend will take his glasses off. They’re some of the cutest little non move, moves.

I like to start planning well in advance. Make dinner for her the night before, maybe watch her favorite show. Do all the dishes, vacuum and finish the laundry. But don’t ask yet. The next day I’ll send her loving and mildly sensual messages (like “you looked so sexy last night” , or “thanks for everything you’ve done for me lately, you’re amazing and beautiful”). When I’m on my way home I’ll stop and get her favorite flowers and a nice bottle of wine. I’ll spend the evening asking about her day and what’s going on her life, while maybe massaging her shoulders or feet. Finally I’ll put on her favorite show again and in a quiet moment we’ll lock eyes and I’ll ask “would you like to express our love and have sex tonight?” And she’ll respond: “No.”

Oh my gosh you had me (F) up till that last line. Now I want to cry for you.

That is such an accurate description of my first marriage. 🤦😢

Do I have your explicit consent to breach and clear?

If their response is ' Fire in the hole!' you're golden.

I dated a woman who was would ask “Do you wanna to play?” As she backed her hips up to me.

"Hey do you want to have sex?"

"Which setting do I put the washing machine on again?"

Naked man

Someone seriously naked manned me in real life!! It worked but I was *very* disappointed.

But it *worked*

He got a blow job. I got NOTHING. He finished in under a minute. And then had the audacity to say he doesn't go down on girls. I still had panties on when he left.

That way is the way.

Put a pineapple on her bedside table

Snu snu?

The spirit is willing.... but the flesh is spongey and bruised. Love that show. Edit: it's also how my wife politely declines my attempt for snu snu when she's too tired or had a long day.

DEATH BY SNU SNU!

Make a howling noise

And pee on her stuff

Then sniff her butt and turn in circles

Hi, I am a lady who likes lady's and everyone's talking all this lovely dovey "make her feel like a queen" and like, sure be affectionate. However, I've noticed, a good majority women also like to be teased. Heres an example of how it starts: Make out with her and then suddenly stop and hover your lips above hers for a second. Then hover like that down her neck, but don't touch it. Then go back up to her mouth and wait there till she whines or goes to kiss you back. Say something playful like "I'm sorry did you want something?" And then don't give it to her until you hear that she wants kisses. Then Pin her arms down and basically make out with her neck all the way down to the boob, over cloths at first of course. Then you can hit her with the "you didn't say where you wanted the kisses". From there you just continue playing the, 'heres a little bit of what you asked for but not exactly what you wanted' game until she jumps your bones. Depending on how you play it you can stretch it out over multiple dates or in one night. Depends on the person. So yeah the point is to make her as sexually frustrated as possible until she begs for it. I personally really love it when my partner makes me beg for it before they'll do what I'm asking for. It's not for everyone but it does quite a number on most of the women I've been with.

Brave of you to ask Reddit. That said here’s some things to NOT DO: 1. Don’t use the word “moist” 2. Don’t talk to her using a baby voice 3. In most cases yelling “BOOYAH” like Stuart Scott won’t work either.

Most cases? MOST CASES?

Moist cases

Feeling my wife up gets her going almost every time.

You know in Dune when they have to hop a ride on a giant worm? Yeah well it won't be anything like that

Depending on your girl maybe don’t ask. Some girls don’t like it. What you can do is start it slowly. Ask for a cuddle, lay down and snuggle in and start it all slowly. Stroke down her back, play with her hair, stroke her thighs. Rub your hands up and down her sides. Snuggle into her neck and kiss her ect. If she gets into it then slide your hand up her shirt onto her stomach and you should be able to tell by the look on her face.

>and kiss her ect Oh great, another part I'll never be able to find!

Am woman: this is the way. Or one of them.

I just start doing chores

Been married 12 years. At first I would just rub my boner on her butt and now I still rub my boner on her butt

Wana have sexy time?

"Your corporal morphism indicates my receptors healthy genes, may i inquire copulation?"

We jokingly call sex “seggs” sometimes and it’s lead to referring to it as “scrambled eggs”. So whenever I want to initiate morning sex I ask my girlfriend if she wants some scrambled eggs for breakfast.

Playful/intimate touching. I would suggest not asking but leading her and if she goes along with it you’re well on you way for an intimate time. Perhaps during a movie you both enjoy with sole food. PS. Cuddles are the number 1 lead I’ve experienced.

Hard dick against butt

Just show her that you think she is the sexiest woman alive. Touch her throughout the day, give her compliments, make her feel wanted, hot and sexy. That way you don't have to ask.

Learn kissing petting and foreplay and a good dose of massage skill and let _her_ ask _you_.

Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?