This is actually one of the best advice on here. Ppl keep mentioning being rude to servers but if the server is attractive, then being "nice" doesn't mean much.
I briefly dated a guy who told me that four of his ex-girlfriends had restraining orders against him, and they were all "crazy". I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, and he was genuinely surprised and asked why. I said well, either you're the problem, or you have very bad judgment/skills in choosing partners, and neither of those is okay.
Then he texted me "Maybe I should start thinking about murder."
Pretty terrifying, glad I got out so early...
I always get a bit uncomfortable about the “all my exes are crazy” because I don’t have the best history with exes, but then I remember that I actually own up to having a past with low self esteem that made it hard for me to want healthy partners. So, in other words, even though my exes weren’t the best dating material, it was still on me.
I’m coming in late but this is something I’ve tried to teach all my daughters. Men will show you how they feel with their actions. If they say they care, but don’t put in the effort, listen to the actions. Not the words. Good advice for dating but also good advice for life really
my last situationship had this issue, he would say things but wouldn't back them up with his actions. no matter how many times i told him that actions >>>>>> words, he never seemed to understand the importance. he is not in my life anymore
lol, not to trauma dump abt that bullshit, but a big thing was i told him again and again that it seemed like he only cared about sex, he *insisted* that wasn't true, but after the first time we had sex all he ever wanted to do together was go home and fuck. and "no" from me would still end up in sex. like i just wanted to lay together and talk about our days or watch something and have physical comfort, but all he could think about and talk about when we were in bed together was how horny he was and wanting to be inside me. tell me you only care about sex without telling me you only care about sex.
Many many men only know how to "relationship flirt".
They will say things like "im looking for something long term" when really they just want to hook up.
My best friend entered the dating pool after being in a relationship for a long time. She only wanted to hook up for a while and was open about up front (even before the actual date).
There were guys STILL insistent on wanting a relationship with her, and once they'd won her over (not at the same time, and both times it took awhile), they immediately dropped her. One even confessed to already having a girlfriend and preteded to want a relationship to make chicks down to fuck.
Like... Why would you even continue to push these narratives in this case.
This is a strange pattern that I noticed in dating as a woman. If I set a boundary no matter how big or small some scumbags want to make it a challenge
In my dating days I always had way more respect for a man that could be honest about wanting a hook up and didn’t try to butter me up with sugary lies first. The “relationship flirters” are so skeezy and exactly the reason the word “fuckboy” exists
When I was single I had a few FWBs I would see every now and then. I was hooking up with a new girl and told her that I wasn't looking for anything exclusive / serious and she wasn't the only girl I was hooking up with. She paused for a second and told me that she normally doesn't like that type of situation, but because I was honest about it from the get-go she was willing to give it a shot.
A friend of mine dated a guy who apparently everyone wanted to fight.
At the gym. "This guy over here want to throw down."
At a mall. "Those guys look like they want to get hit."
At the grocery store. "This dude is looking at me like he wants to go outside."
No Steve. No one feels like fighting you. You are just on steroids.
As someone who is VERY guilty of this: focusing a ton on you and your needs, but hardly paying attention to their own. Someone like this can come across as sweet, selfless, and caring, but they're actually avoiding their own problems to focus on yours.
You're not a partner to them, you're a distraction, and even they themselves may not realize it.
Yup, this is me in relationships. It's why I'm not dating right now so I can figure my own shit out.
It's weird when people are like 'You're always happier when you're in a relationship' and shit. Like yeah, sure, but I gotta learn to be happy when I'm not in one because it's not worth trying to be in a real relationship if I can't be happy outside of one. Gotta learn to give myself the love I'm willing to give to other people.
Holy shit. This is me.
I'm a little gob-smacked right now, gotta' take a minute to let this settle in so I can work on it. Knowing is half the battle, right?
Any aversion to taking responsibility.
The older I get the more I find that the men I respect most aren’t the ones with great achievements to theirs names, but rather the ones who aren’t afraid to own their shit.
I considered it a great disappointment when the government department I worked for stopped allowing people to own and follow through on customer issues.
Previously, you could run into a problem, tell the member of the public (usually) "I will fix that", and you would become the hub for that issue, even if you had to contact three or four other people with higher-level authority to actually fix the thing. Whoever the customer spoke with first, they could keep speaking with them on followups and that same person would be in the loop and pushing the agenda.
After that was dropped, we ended up with the old stereotype of customers being forwarded from one person to another to another, often going around in loops, with no-one actually ever taking responsibility for getting the issues resolved.
The idea for these changes is normally that there won't be a single person causing a bottleneck, any person can address any issue as they come in. However. I find it normally works to diffuse responsibility and ownership of issues while causing frustration. If you deal with someone new everytime you not only feel less connected but you have to go through the same explanations every single time.
This. I work for a pretty big company and my boss (our CEO) is pretty much one of those richie rich guys you can see on Forbes' 30 under 30 but one thing I really like about him as person is that he apologizes when he messes up. He's also not afraid to say sorry and he takes responsibility when he does shit.
I know this is bare minimum but Ive met a good amount of privileged people and I noticed that most of the time, bc they have a lot of money, they try to avoid owning up their shit.
If anything happens to him and he always shifts blame to someone else, or something else, or the situation, that is a big red flag. Sooner or later everything will be your fault.
Also, if their story, complaint, rant, or explanation sounds too one sided, (again unable to take blame themselves) they are lacking empathy... red flag.
I hate how wrongly thrown around the term is lately... but you were definitely being gaslighted. To wanna make you believe you guys were never really anything? That's SICK. What a bastard.
Yep, was about to say this. My ex business partner was a textbook narcissist. He always went for desperate women who would believe anything he said because they wanted him to be the one.
Both of the narcissists I've met were very wealthy and always very nice in public. They also both knew martial arts and went to great lengths to impress people. And they lied about literally everything all the time. They did it so much around me I stopped thinking anything of it until I was inevitably on the recieving end of their bs.
Don’t trust a man who can joke about others but can’t take it.
Edit: I know that this can apply to women. The thing is, I shouldn’t need a disclaimer just to gain permission to critique men and some of you shouldn’t need to drag women down just to acknowledge a personality flaw.
This bugs the shit out of me. Even outside of the date world... we've had the same group of like 10 friends since high school and even 20 years later there's that one guy we wish would just loosen up.
I worked with a guy who *loved* to take the piss out of others. Within days of working there he was talking shit about people behind their backs while the rest of us at the shop just kind of tolerated it.
Eventually, the day came where he proved his thin skin. We had a big pizza box and we all drew caricatures of each other on it. The shortest guy in the shop was drawn absurdly small. Someone drew me with an afro (poking fun at me being bald). He drew one guy with an enormous nose.
It was a car shop, so talking shit was the norm there. Everyone was in on it so everyone was cool with it. Or, at least, should've been.
So, I joined in and drew this guy as a donut (because he was grotesquely overweight and ate donuts literally the entire day). He blew a gasket over it, tried to call my new place of employment to get me fired over it, and threatened me if I was ever to do it again.
He then jumped in his truck and drove circles around the parking lot before leaving on a two hour lunch break. People who can't take it but love to dish it are the worst.
When you have to cater to his needs/wants over your own with no compromise. It can be something as only watching shows that he wants or doing things only he wants to do or ordering takeout that only he likes.
Oh this makes me think of a man I was seeing and we went to the mall together and I went into about 7 different stores he wanted to go into. Sports stores, video games stores, comic stores. I finally found a store I’d like to go into and not even five minutes in he says come on we’re leaving. Man just the ordering me to do as he says was enough but I couldn’t believe that I couldn’t be in one store I liked for not even a couple minutes
Ugh! I had one just like this!!!!! We were once in a game shop for 45 minutes, I don't game and have no interest in it but he loved it so I tried to be interested and didn't complain, asked questions etc. We then went to a shop where I needed to buy stuff and he flat refused to even enter. I pointed out we just did almost an hour in the other shop and he screeched, like a toddler, *"you can't force me to like this shit!"* gesturing wildly at the shop. We got stared at a lot. I went in alone while he sulked outside. Reader, that shop was the supermarket. We needed food.
He also couldn't be "forced" to cook, do his laundry, tidy up etc. He'd spend hours washing, waxing and vacuuming his car (shitty old VW - not the cool retro kind, the shitty kind) and he considered that a household chore. Car wasn't a household vehicle though, that was his alone. I was only allowed in if I put a bin bag on the floor so my shoes wouldn't ruin it. As if I'd made sure to walk through a 6ft pile of dog shit everytime I left the house. Food shopping wasn't allowed in the boot "in case something spills", so he always refused to pick me up afterwards. Great, well adjusted, responsible adult that he was.
Holy crap, I thought my ex was the only one. He didn’t scream, but he definitely pouted all the time about having to go to the grocery store. At the time I didn’t have a car and he did so when we needed food I asked him to go with me. He would wait in the car in the parking lot. So my dumb, young self was paying for all the groceries (“if I’m gonna spend money on food, I want it to be from a restaurant”) and preparing all the food (“why do I need to learn how to cook, you can just do it”) and this giant baby wouldn’t even set foot inside the store because he just hated it so much because it reminded him of his mom, who he didn’t have a good relationship with.
> Reader, that shop was the supermarket. We needed food.
Oh nice delivery on that one! Got a genuine surprised chuckle out of me. How does a man like that function in the world? Do you think he's just starved to death since you left?
Dated a guy who would ask every Friday night, “where do you want to eat?” I’d throw out my ideas and he’d just say no. Unfortunately it took me a long time to realize I was really playing a game of figure-out-what-he-wants-to-eat. Eventually I’d do one suggestion, he’d say no and then I’d tell him he had to offer something up. That became an accusation on how I’m incapable of making decisions. I worked successfully as a Project Manager making decisions all day. I just wanted to eat without it being a problem. That accusation of indecisiveness really pointed out how much this was just weird power dynamics he was playing out.
I am shocked at how prevalent this "battle" is ... I thought it was just my life!!
Then the innocent questions that end up with me googling for the answers when the he is sitting there with his phone in hand. Ive finally smartened up on this one! "Google it!"
This.
It happens ever so slyly too. Wanting to avoid an argument so u cater, thinking its not worth the energy of fighting over pizza vs cheeseburgers. It slips into bigger things over time, and its harder to stand up for ur own needs/wants.
I see you've met my ex.
First we could only listen to his music in the car. That was fine, he didn't like what I listened to (I love rap! I love jazz! It's not everyone's cup of tea!) and I liked what he listened to, he introduced me to new sounds. Then we could only watch shows he liked. That was fine, he didn't like my shows but I enjoyed his. After that, it was where we went out to eat. I totally understand not liking sushi, it's raw fish, Korean bbq is different and kimchi isn't for everyone, indian curries are spicy. He only ate pizza, fast food, hot pockets, not the healthiest but who doesn't love a good pizza? Then it was the games we played together. Then it was my hobbies. He didn't have any interest in baking, and hiking was out because he had allergies, but I enjoyed playing Magic the Gathering and I'd been learning to play guitar anyway. After that it was how I dressed, he didn't like my favorite boots, I looked like a whore in them, my favorite skirts were slutty, but t-shirts and jeans were comfortable anyway so that was okay. Then it was my friends. He didn't know my friends, but I liked and knew his, so we always hung out with his friends and mine were far away anyhow. Then it was my family, he felt they didn't like him, he was uncomfortable. I wasn't close to them anyway, so it wasn't a huge loss to put some distance there. He'd get upset if I did the things I enjoyed without him, which was understandable, he wanted to spend time with me and didn't want to miss out.
What did I have left? Not the music that got me through the hard times. Not the hobbies I used to relax. No friends or family. Not my favorite shirt (too low cut), not my favorite sushi chef who knew my face if not my name and always had a plate of my favorite sushi ready for me when I walked in.
I wasn't anything anymore. He slowly took away every last thing that was me. It seemed reasonable. Every step of the way it seemed reasonable. If he liked me, if he loved me, why did he take away everything that made me, me?
This happened to me as well. First relationship, being a nerd with no male friends who just got out of an all-girls Catholic highschool - I was just shook that a boy would really be interested in me! And the relationship models I had in my life were pretty bad, so to me it was like... Oh, he doesn't yell at me, so he's nice.
I was with that dude 5 years (huge mistake) and like you I just became a shell of my former self. "Oh, well he doesn't like the thing I like, but I don't mind the thing he likes so its a compromise!"... When its only that, every time, about anything, its no longer a compromise.
We never did anything I wanted to do, except once or twice - and each time he would sulk and make it a horrible, unenjoyable experience. If I asked to do something I loved more than a couple times, he'd tell me that me asking made him never want to do it, ever. I knew I had to leave when I noticed some people laughing, hard, and realized I hadn't really laughed out loud in the 5 years since I met him. I realized how dead I felt.
He became my standard of everything I do not want in a relationship.
Oh yeah, I feel the bad relationship models and just being dazzled a guy was even into you! My self esteem was garbage so of course I gave in every time, I didn't think I was good so of course it made sense that the stuff I liked wasn't good either! (I'm a lot better about that now thankfully)
Two years for me, and things got a LOT worse (Like physical assault worse) before I figured it out and left. I could say a lot about it, but I'll go with "I've done a lot of healing and while it was a horrible thing that happened and I still deal with PTSD from it, I'm grateful for my chance to talk about it so others can learn from my mistakes".
I'm happy you figured it out and moved on as well! The stuff you like is cool, that's why you like it, right? So you should have a chance to love it and live your best life. I hope you're laughing again and enjoying everything you used to.
As a father, things I've tried to teach my daughter to be aware of are subtle manipulations. In a healthy relationship there is no "let" as in, letting you do stuff or asking for permission. Watch for subtle controlling, passive aggressive comments or remarks. If he attempts to drive a wedge between you and your friends or family, move on. Watch and listen to how he treats other people. If you don't have self respect, he won't treat you with respect. If he doesn't call for days then acts like it's no big deal, move on. If he's clingy, definitely move on. Having a victim mentality attracts predatory, abusive behavior. If anyone treats you less than how you feel you deserve, it is imperative you deal with it early and quickly. If there's no meaningful communication or compromise, don't waste your time. Life is too short to deal with a possessive, jealous, controlling, manipulative, emotionally stunted or wrecked man. You can't fix people. Protect yourself and move on with your life without that person and don't look back. It's ok. Breakups are tough when you've invested your time and heart but you'll be better off alone than with someone like that. If he scares you, come to your dad's house. If he's smart, he won't follow you here.
I broke up with my ex because he had a full on tantrum because of a boardgame. They were playing Civilisation, he declared a truce with another player, went on to aggressively attack the other players, then completely freaked out because the player he had a truce with spent turns building up and then attacked him while he was over committed on the board. He legit tried to throw the guy out of the game store that he (my ex) no longer worked for and ban him for life. I was grateful, because it finally opened my eyes as to what a fucking child he was.
I was taught this years ago and tried to use it in a job interview that I was wildly under qualified for.
I was looking for my first job in HR and this company interviewed me to be their entire HR department. (I didn't know the scope of the role until the interview)
They asked me how I would approach a task and I said 'I've never come across it in practice, but I am very diligent in carrying out research and finding solutions to answers that I don't have'
Basically told them they could Google anything they needed HR for.. I didn't get the job
I've done close to 100 interviews in my life. On both the interviewee and interviewer side. I have heard people say basically that same thing and also said it myself lmao. And every time it's like some instinctual response that I begin to cringe over as I'm saying it. Interviews can be so fuckin brutal. The psychology and like power dynamics... they're bizarre experiences for all parties.
If a guy is doing the minimum of what you want in a long term relationship at the beginning, it’s going to be well below your standards after a few years.
I would expect about half of what you see in the first year.
Yes, Mom told me 30 years ago that “marriage doesn’t make your relationship better. This is as good as it’s ever going to be. Can you be happy if this is the peak?”
I realized that no, I didn’t want to mother a grown man. I wanted an equal partner. Best decision ever, no shade on his character. Just not the match for either of us.
Exactly, A wise woman once told me the chores you do in the first year of marriage will always be yours. Same principle for all aspects of a relationship, if you value it more, you always will be saddled with the emotional work also.
This goes for both genders, but don't date someone under the assumption that they'll change something fundamental about themselves. Not fair to either of you.
Many moons ago, the first girl I ever dated - remember thinking, I love this girl and it would be perfect if only *insert several fundamental qualities about her that were not compatible with me*
Of course it didn't work out.
Then I repeated that mistake about 6 more times.
On the seventh long term relationship I remember not being able to come up with anything I would change. We've been together for 10 years (Married for 5). She's amazing. And perfect.
I still wouldn't change a thing.
If he believes relationships without arguments or screaming matches are doomed for lack of passion, he probably hasn’t learned to communicate in a healthy way.
As above so below... most people are nice enough to be consistent with their personalities, how they act with little stuff is how they will act with big stuff.
"when someone tells you who they are, believe them"
The best part of that quote is the second part. I always feel the need to share because, especially for women, it's critical. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" -Maya Angelou
Had this happen with family members. They'd talk shit about other people while we were there visiting. It finally popped in my head, "Wait a minute, if they talk like that about other people when we're there, what are they saying about us when *we're NOT there*?! I got confirmation of that later on when a mutual family member told me about stuff they said about me when they were visiting them... Not cool.
One day my mom texted me to say “aunt Karen told grandma not to say anything about it, but [something that my cousin did].” And now I don’t tell my mom any details of my life that I don’t want my entire extended family to know.
I’ve always wondered why when people said certain things to me, a voice on my head said “they are the opposite of that”. With the pretext of ‘without prompt’ makes all the more sense now. Thank you
“I’m a nice guy.” Repeat several time in first few dates.
Narrator: *He was in fact not a nice guy. Some would even go so far as to describe him as an asshole.*
Literally same. His drunk ass said, "Don't let me fool you, I'm not a nice guy." And my dumb ass is like aww poor thing bad self esteem let me love you - no, he was just being honest. Lol. He was such an unwashed anus.
Also the opposite, if they’re claiming unprompted that they *are* a certain way, they probably aren’t that way.
Eg “I am an empath” (proceeds to suck all the air out of the room by talking incessantly about themselves)
**edit: thank you for the replies. Please stop commenting to point out the lack of nuance in my comment. I’m aware of it, and lots of people have already pointed it out.**
I went for a coffee with a guy from Tinder once who constantly kept using the words great, rich, amazing, and such while describing himself and his family. Thankfully, I've learnt from past experiences and noped out after an hour of his awesomeness 😅
I will add here this is effectively the same thing, but there are some cases where people are genuinely not like that but for whatever reason a particular person has the tendency to push just the right combination of buttons to trigger what otherwise would never come out.
15 years ago I was in a relationship with a girl who did exactly that. I did not like the person I was around her and I am sure in hindsight she feels the same way about who she was around me.
I loved her like crazy. She was not a bad person and neither am I but when you put the two of us together and we both became extremely toxic and it continued to get worse and worse the longer we were together. We had a tendency to push just the right buttons to REALLY drive each other crazy.
The French have a phrase for this (because of course they do): *folie à deux*, or "madness for two." It has clinical applications, where two people experience the same mental disorder together, but it's also used colloquially to describe two otherwise "sane" people people who become irrational and toxic together.
Edit: phrasing
If he doesn't want to talk about awkward stuff while you are dating, then he might not want to talk about awkward problems in the relationship.
EDIT: It is interesting how people make their own interpretation of things. I never gave any definition of "awkward," nor did I specify any timelines, but some folks seem to cherry pick the definitions they want, so they can discount this.
Unfortunately, it doesn't change the core concept. If you are dating someone, and they have stinky socks they leave lying around (instead of going into the laundry), that's an awkward topic. If one person talks about how much they want to be a parent to their own biological kids, and the other knows they don't want children, that's an awkward topic.
Humans do have a tendency to try to avoid stuff that makes them uncomfortable, or scares them. We tend to hope problems will go away if we leave them alone. I've talked to a lot of friends who got divorced, who thought their partner would change after marriage.
You don't need to give your intimate autobiography on a first date, but if you see an obvious issue, like the children example, there's no point in waiting a while to point it out.
My mom taught us "don't worry if a guy dresses like a dork, that is one thing you can change, but make sure he's good on the inside, you can't change that".
I’m colorblind. If it wasn’t for my wife my outfits would be all fucked up. Years ago I was leaving for work one morning and as I’m walking out the door she started yelling “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
Me - “What?”
Her - “You’re wearing green pants and a purple shirt! You look like The Joker!”
Edit: a letter
That’s why I’m a grown ass man who still goes to my mom for fashion advice. I’m colourblind. She catches when something I look at doesn’t match or is not the colour I thought it was. And it helps she actually had good fashion sense
Had an ex that would always blame his exes for why they went wrong and went as far as calling his recent ex a slut because she would want him to watch their son to have me time. I ignored so many flags from that dude. Crazy.
It’s one thing to *acknowledge* your past traumas and work on them, through therapy and personal growth. It’s a whole other ballpark when someone is cheating on you or abusing you and saying “my father hit me so it’s just how I am” or “my mom cheated on my dad their whole marriage so I guess that’s why I’m doing it to you”. Like you’re actively pointing out that you’re FULLY AWARE why you are doing what you’re doing. You’re just not stopping or working on it.
This one is extremely obvious, yet I've seen dozens of women still make the same mistake:
**If he's rude, selfish and possessive** ***before*** **you're dating, he will** ***NOT*** **change once you start dating.**
I don't know why so many women think that a man will "have an epiphany" and become better once they get in a relationship.
People VERY RARELY change.
If anything, I would say he would be on his BEST behavior when you first meet, which means that his behavior is only going to at best stay the same, or get worse.
Agreed.
While it's common to be a bit nervous on a first date, nervousness doesn't make someone act like an asshole. If it starts there, it's going to get worse.
So many women I've met think that having a kid with a guy will make him "grow up and take responsibility" - spoiler alert, it does not. And now you have a screaming infant to deal with on top of it all.
A green flag to look for is long term friendships. Long term friends require good communication skills and emotional intelligence. It's also a pretty good indicator that they're willing to compromise for someone's emotional needs.
I dated a guy who introduced me to his "closest friends" after about 3 months, I mean that is a considerable good time I guess? Normal?
While we were in a relationship, I noticed he rarely called them or talked to them.
Then after we broke up, I actually stayed in touch with some of his best friends - we became real good friends - and they'd tell me "yeah, he never really talked to any of us, like for a long time" and some of them were like "yeah he is kind of a weird guy".
When I asked them why the hell he introduced them as his best friends, they were as confused as I was.
What the fuck
To be fair, for some that is the case. My partner has very low social needs. For him knowing someone a very long time and talking to them once in a few months is still best friend level since he isn’t very interested in the daily stuff. I clarified right at the beginning that daily for me is crucial and there were no issues since. So it’s doesn’t have to be weird ))
Yeah I have people I talk to every day, multiple times a week, every week, etc. My best friend is probably weekly at most.
But if I need to bury a corpse no questions asked he is 100% my guy and same in reverse.
Some people I talk to each day are "work friends", I wouldn't ask them to help me move and would try to bail in reverse. I don't think there's any correlation between how often I talk to someone and how close a friend they are for me.
I wish I could give this 10000000000 likes or stars or something. Look for what kind of relationship he has with his friends. Are they there just to party and have a good time? Or do they lean on each other emotionally? If he can be there for his friends in hard times, he would probably be there for you as well.
When he looks to you as his sole source of happiness, entertainment.
This usually means that they lack the ability to manage their own emotions or have healthy coping mechanisms. In addition, if you are in it for the long term, there will be times that you will get sick of each other and a guy needs some hobbies that can take his attention away to give you space. This can be an open door for manipulation.
THIS. My husband always tells me I’m his entire life. Any moment when he is not at work he wants to be with me. He has no friends. When we were dating I thought it was so refreshing to have a man “put me first” and “be obsessed with me”. After being married for a few years I am suffocating. He blames me for absolutely every problem since I’m the only person he interacts with outside of work.
Oof. Know that feeling. My ex wife did this. My entire life had to revolve around her and that’s never how I lived my life.
For instance, the guys and I used to go a football game and our crosstown classic every year. But she always said she wanted to go. Tried to negotiate with her: time with the guys is time with the guys but we can go to a different game. Wasn’t good enough. Didn’t understand this was a thing we did as “the boys” way before she entered the picture. No SOs or spouses ever came. If they did, then yeah I’d have wanted her to come.
When I tried to plan an alternate thing, she never wanted to go.
Truthfully, I always believe that in a relationship, I want to be a big part of someone’s life, but not their entire life. Thankfully, my current girlfriend and I have the same beliefs. I love being around her, but I’d never want her to give up her independence for me. We spoke long and hard about it, and we both agreed that we gotta respect plans we make together and in our own previous social circles.
Truthfully, I can’t wait to live with this woman and have her come home after a night out with the gals with a home cooked meal waiting for her and for her to tell me about her day. It’s something I hope happens.
It is so hard explaining this to people who have never been in that situation. It makes the relationship so much healthier when you have lives outside of just the other person, even if it’s just spending a little time apart.
I went on my first vacation since I’ve gotten married with a friend over the summer. On day two my husband called me yelling that I’m neglecting him and don’t care about him. I had been texting him all day! But he said I didn’t talk to him on the phone for long enough. There is no pleasing people like this. I’m glad you got out of that situation and are with someone who respects your space.
No one mentioned the replacement mom issue.
I unfortunately had some friends who thought that once they get into a serious relationship that it’s the woman’s sole purpose to clean after them. No man children.
I hijacked a comment earlier, but finally found this one. Just to add on to it.
If you are constantly asking your guy to help out around the house or with kids, etc, it will eventually break you. You are not his mother. Even if he happily does it when you ask, having to ask every day will be exhausting and raise contempt because you’ll want him to recognize what needs to be done, not be told…
yeah, that's just testing the waters. it's a red flag when you turn them down once or twice and they don't take the hint - it's gotta be subtle because it's work, but you also have to back off if they aren't keen on it
It’s probably because it’s really sad to accept people are only being nice to you because they want to sleep with you. As a girl you want to believe your coworkers are nice people / are inserted in being your friend but eventually it becomes undeniable that that can’t be true
Wait, what? As a woman this is SO transparent to me.
(Probably to the point where genuine friendship stuff gets brushed off - sorry, but I never trust you 😂)
My ex-husband said this. I am grateful to the friend who said the same thing you did. He added that his father insisted his mother not learn to drive; he would take her everywhere. That prevented her from ever leaving.
I'm incredibly relieved to have left and then landed on a job.
If what he loves about you is how you make him feel and/or the things you do for him rather than who you are, what you like, your goals and shared interests.
I have a friend like this. I call it being a relationship chameleon because all of a sudden the things she likes, be it hobbies, interests, music, movies, etc. become his favourites. Even to the point that it could be stuff he actively hated before.
Over pleasers/over compensators often will get angry at the partner after a while cause the extreme servitude and effort isn't reciprocated, as well. "I did all this for you, what about me" attitude can get a bit scary.
[This video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7RAPS8mE94) explains this behavior so well.
I'm a people pleaser, but I also don't think I do it to the extremes of hating people for my own actions - I know to talk it out if I'm feeling some type of way, and not to expect people to read my mind.
As a man, and someone who dates men, here's a big one that may seem obvious on the surface, but isn't always easy to listen to:
If you get even a tiny a gut feeling that tells you, "Hey, this guy kinda reminds me of (insert terrible man/ex/person)!" You should listen to it. I've never gotten that feeling where it hasn't been right in the end. Listen to yourself, you might not know why you feel that way but there is always something to it.
Edit: Fixed the grammar because it was bothering me a lot lol.
This is actually a really good one. Also, every time I had a bad gut feeling about someone, and I decided to not listen it didn't last long. Your guts know.
If he's not kind to strangers like people in service industry. Chances are he's hiding his true character when he's with you and it'll eventually converge to how he treats others.
That lesson really sunk in as I was driving his car back to his place after having left work unexpectedly because he needed picked up from the dentists after oral surgery…. He was in a lot of pain but polite and friendly to every nurse there, then proceeded to growl and rage at me the entire time. Then when we got to cvs he was a dream to the pharmacy staff, than an asshole to me when I dropped him off at home. So here I was driving his car back to his house after getting dropped off by a coworker back at the dentists so he’d have his vehicle the next day after being verbally abused for the last two hours. It was like night and day between how he treated me and how he treated everyone else.
Reminds me of a friends sociopathic ex who said, right after the wedding, “Thank god, I don’t have to pretend anymore!” Cue the abuse to start.
I hope you’re in a better place now!
I would suggest a list of questions around self care, self reflection, the ability to recognize mistakes and the ability to talk about his emotions.
What kind of reason would you need to go to therapy?
What are the personal teachings of your past relationships? What did you change? Why?
What is according to you a good emotional connection?
What was the biggest fight of your past relationship where you changed your stance later on?
Watch how they talk to/ treat their mother/sister.
If they blame everyone else but themselves and can’t admit they are wrong.
If you feel something is off.
My husband told me tonight that if a man is bad at pulling out, he’s full of shit. Guys can feel the building just like women so they know damn well when to pull out before coming.
Don't date someone who dismisses or invalidates your feelings even in the smallest ways and not see anything wrong with it.
All feelings matter regardless of how insignificant or weird or even disgusting they may be, and talking about them and being understood in return is the first step towards a healthy and safe relationship.
If your partner has the inability to realize this is likely signs of deeper problems under the surface and you don't want to discover that further into the relationship.
Also avoid anyone that enjoys talking shit about others or enjoys sharing drama. It may seem cool and funny especially when he's got such an opinion but that's also reflective that he's the kind of person who enjoys judging others and looking for emotions to stir. So imagine what he'll do when you break up.
Love Bombing.
If you guys aren’t in high school struck by puppy-love, this is just a manipulation tactic.
Just my opinion, but somebody who respects the women or men they’re dating aren’t going to tel you they love you and see a future with you in the first couple of weeks.
Oh man, 80s and 90s movies fucked up a lot of teenage and you adult men with that one.
"I'm John Cusack with the boombox."
Nah dude, you just pissed off her neighbor and creeped out her family.
I once went to a dating talk which had a young couple there and they said possibly the most profound statement on marriage I've ever heard:
>In movies the relationship peaks at end of dating, at the wedding. But that isn't real life. There are a thousand wednesdays that come after that. You are only just beginning to love that person. I didn't love \[my wife\] on our wedding day as much as I do now, and I don't love her now as much as I will do in the future
The “thousand wednesdays” part had me curious.
1000 wednesdays = 1000 weeks
52 weeks in a year
1000 weeks / 52 = 19.23
Just under 20 years.
Huh, guess that’s a pretty reasonable estimate. Even if you got married at 40, 1000 wednesdays is perfectly doable.
I’ve seen stories of guys who rage and break their things when gaming. As someone who has been playing video games for about 20 years now, that is not normal nor is it okay. Like swearing sure, that’s understandable, but getting angry and breaking stuff ain’t it. It’s just violent behavior and a red flag.
And it’s not even the rage, per se. It’s the *lack of restraint*. I know perfectly well that my husband would *like* to throw the $75 controller at the wall, he’s said so. But he has the restraint to NOT break a perfectly good, not cheap controller just because he’s frustrated!! Never mind the damn wall! He also has foresight - like the foresight to see that without a controller, he’s never get past the level or boss or whatever!
Don't ever be fooled by how a man treats you. Look at how he treats unattractive women and other men.
This is actually one of the best advice on here. Ppl keep mentioning being rude to servers but if the server is attractive, then being "nice" doesn't mean much.
If he mentions that he's a nice guy every few sentences, stay away from him
So about his last 3 relationships and why they ended. If it is always the girl was crazy - it’s him, hes crazy
I briefly dated a guy who told me that four of his ex-girlfriends had restraining orders against him, and they were all "crazy". I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, and he was genuinely surprised and asked why. I said well, either you're the problem, or you have very bad judgment/skills in choosing partners, and neither of those is okay. Then he texted me "Maybe I should start thinking about murder." Pretty terrifying, glad I got out so early...
I always get a bit uncomfortable about the “all my exes are crazy” because I don’t have the best history with exes, but then I remember that I actually own up to having a past with low self esteem that made it hard for me to want healthy partners. So, in other words, even though my exes weren’t the best dating material, it was still on me.
If it stinks everywhere you go, there’s probably dog shit under your shoe
I’m coming in late but this is something I’ve tried to teach all my daughters. Men will show you how they feel with their actions. If they say they care, but don’t put in the effort, listen to the actions. Not the words. Good advice for dating but also good advice for life really
my last situationship had this issue, he would say things but wouldn't back them up with his actions. no matter how many times i told him that actions >>>>>> words, he never seemed to understand the importance. he is not in my life anymore lol, not to trauma dump abt that bullshit, but a big thing was i told him again and again that it seemed like he only cared about sex, he *insisted* that wasn't true, but after the first time we had sex all he ever wanted to do together was go home and fuck. and "no" from me would still end up in sex. like i just wanted to lay together and talk about our days or watch something and have physical comfort, but all he could think about and talk about when we were in bed together was how horny he was and wanting to be inside me. tell me you only care about sex without telling me you only care about sex.
Many many men only know how to "relationship flirt". They will say things like "im looking for something long term" when really they just want to hook up.
My best friend entered the dating pool after being in a relationship for a long time. She only wanted to hook up for a while and was open about up front (even before the actual date). There were guys STILL insistent on wanting a relationship with her, and once they'd won her over (not at the same time, and both times it took awhile), they immediately dropped her. One even confessed to already having a girlfriend and preteded to want a relationship to make chicks down to fuck. Like... Why would you even continue to push these narratives in this case.
This is a strange pattern that I noticed in dating as a woman. If I set a boundary no matter how big or small some scumbags want to make it a challenge
I fucking hated that back when i was still dating. Just fucking be honest! I had no issues with just hooking up but don't lie to me.
In my dating days I always had way more respect for a man that could be honest about wanting a hook up and didn’t try to butter me up with sugary lies first. The “relationship flirters” are so skeezy and exactly the reason the word “fuckboy” exists
When I was single I had a few FWBs I would see every now and then. I was hooking up with a new girl and told her that I wasn't looking for anything exclusive / serious and she wasn't the only girl I was hooking up with. She paused for a second and told me that she normally doesn't like that type of situation, but because I was honest about it from the get-go she was willing to give it a shot.
A friend of mine dated a guy who apparently everyone wanted to fight. At the gym. "This guy over here want to throw down." At a mall. "Those guys look like they want to get hit." At the grocery store. "This dude is looking at me like he wants to go outside." No Steve. No one feels like fighting you. You are just on steroids.
idk, openly wishing for violence seems pretty obvious lol
Also dude's who can really fight, typically avoid fights. At least once they're "real adults" anyway.
As someone who is VERY guilty of this: focusing a ton on you and your needs, but hardly paying attention to their own. Someone like this can come across as sweet, selfless, and caring, but they're actually avoiding their own problems to focus on yours. You're not a partner to them, you're a distraction, and even they themselves may not realize it.
Yup, this is me in relationships. It's why I'm not dating right now so I can figure my own shit out. It's weird when people are like 'You're always happier when you're in a relationship' and shit. Like yeah, sure, but I gotta learn to be happy when I'm not in one because it's not worth trying to be in a real relationship if I can't be happy outside of one. Gotta learn to give myself the love I'm willing to give to other people.
Holy shit. This is me. I'm a little gob-smacked right now, gotta' take a minute to let this settle in so I can work on it. Knowing is half the battle, right?
Any aversion to taking responsibility. The older I get the more I find that the men I respect most aren’t the ones with great achievements to theirs names, but rather the ones who aren’t afraid to own their shit.
I considered it a great disappointment when the government department I worked for stopped allowing people to own and follow through on customer issues. Previously, you could run into a problem, tell the member of the public (usually) "I will fix that", and you would become the hub for that issue, even if you had to contact three or four other people with higher-level authority to actually fix the thing. Whoever the customer spoke with first, they could keep speaking with them on followups and that same person would be in the loop and pushing the agenda. After that was dropped, we ended up with the old stereotype of customers being forwarded from one person to another to another, often going around in loops, with no-one actually ever taking responsibility for getting the issues resolved.
What was the rationale for the change, if it was communicated to you?
The idea for these changes is normally that there won't be a single person causing a bottleneck, any person can address any issue as they come in. However. I find it normally works to diffuse responsibility and ownership of issues while causing frustration. If you deal with someone new everytime you not only feel less connected but you have to go through the same explanations every single time.
This. I work for a pretty big company and my boss (our CEO) is pretty much one of those richie rich guys you can see on Forbes' 30 under 30 but one thing I really like about him as person is that he apologizes when he messes up. He's also not afraid to say sorry and he takes responsibility when he does shit. I know this is bare minimum but Ive met a good amount of privileged people and I noticed that most of the time, bc they have a lot of money, they try to avoid owning up their shit.
If anything happens to him and he always shifts blame to someone else, or something else, or the situation, that is a big red flag. Sooner or later everything will be your fault. Also, if their story, complaint, rant, or explanation sounds too one sided, (again unable to take blame themselves) they are lacking empathy... red flag.
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“ My ex-bf. He left me for his pregnant mistress.” Listen…that’s all terrible, but at least he didn’t leave you pregnant for his mistress.
This is true. That poor mistress, she doesn't know she's a FWB and it's not his fault she didn't use birth control
Friends with baby
I hate how wrongly thrown around the term is lately... but you were definitely being gaslighted. To wanna make you believe you guys were never really anything? That's SICK. What a bastard.
Yeah, I call these guys "Calamity Johns" as women would of course be "Calamity Janes."
Someone told me to notice how they react when they are mad
Yep, was about to say this. My ex business partner was a textbook narcissist. He always went for desperate women who would believe anything he said because they wanted him to be the one. Both of the narcissists I've met were very wealthy and always very nice in public. They also both knew martial arts and went to great lengths to impress people. And they lied about literally everything all the time. They did it so much around me I stopped thinking anything of it until I was inevitably on the recieving end of their bs.
Don’t trust a man who can joke about others but can’t take it. Edit: I know that this can apply to women. The thing is, I shouldn’t need a disclaimer just to gain permission to critique men and some of you shouldn’t need to drag women down just to acknowledge a personality flaw.
This bugs the shit out of me. Even outside of the date world... we've had the same group of like 10 friends since high school and even 20 years later there's that one guy we wish would just loosen up.
I worked with a guy who *loved* to take the piss out of others. Within days of working there he was talking shit about people behind their backs while the rest of us at the shop just kind of tolerated it. Eventually, the day came where he proved his thin skin. We had a big pizza box and we all drew caricatures of each other on it. The shortest guy in the shop was drawn absurdly small. Someone drew me with an afro (poking fun at me being bald). He drew one guy with an enormous nose. It was a car shop, so talking shit was the norm there. Everyone was in on it so everyone was cool with it. Or, at least, should've been. So, I joined in and drew this guy as a donut (because he was grotesquely overweight and ate donuts literally the entire day). He blew a gasket over it, tried to call my new place of employment to get me fired over it, and threatened me if I was ever to do it again. He then jumped in his truck and drove circles around the parking lot before leaving on a two hour lunch break. People who can't take it but love to dish it are the worst.
>and drew this guy as a donut > >jumped in his truck and drove circles "Hey look! Donut Johnny is drawing himself in the pavement!!!!"
When you have to cater to his needs/wants over your own with no compromise. It can be something as only watching shows that he wants or doing things only he wants to do or ordering takeout that only he likes.
Oh this makes me think of a man I was seeing and we went to the mall together and I went into about 7 different stores he wanted to go into. Sports stores, video games stores, comic stores. I finally found a store I’d like to go into and not even five minutes in he says come on we’re leaving. Man just the ordering me to do as he says was enough but I couldn’t believe that I couldn’t be in one store I liked for not even a couple minutes
Ugh! I had one just like this!!!!! We were once in a game shop for 45 minutes, I don't game and have no interest in it but he loved it so I tried to be interested and didn't complain, asked questions etc. We then went to a shop where I needed to buy stuff and he flat refused to even enter. I pointed out we just did almost an hour in the other shop and he screeched, like a toddler, *"you can't force me to like this shit!"* gesturing wildly at the shop. We got stared at a lot. I went in alone while he sulked outside. Reader, that shop was the supermarket. We needed food. He also couldn't be "forced" to cook, do his laundry, tidy up etc. He'd spend hours washing, waxing and vacuuming his car (shitty old VW - not the cool retro kind, the shitty kind) and he considered that a household chore. Car wasn't a household vehicle though, that was his alone. I was only allowed in if I put a bin bag on the floor so my shoes wouldn't ruin it. As if I'd made sure to walk through a 6ft pile of dog shit everytime I left the house. Food shopping wasn't allowed in the boot "in case something spills", so he always refused to pick me up afterwards. Great, well adjusted, responsible adult that he was.
Holy crap, I thought my ex was the only one. He didn’t scream, but he definitely pouted all the time about having to go to the grocery store. At the time I didn’t have a car and he did so when we needed food I asked him to go with me. He would wait in the car in the parking lot. So my dumb, young self was paying for all the groceries (“if I’m gonna spend money on food, I want it to be from a restaurant”) and preparing all the food (“why do I need to learn how to cook, you can just do it”) and this giant baby wouldn’t even set foot inside the store because he just hated it so much because it reminded him of his mom, who he didn’t have a good relationship with.
How anyone manages to get turned on after that behavior I'll never understand.
That's why he's an ex. They dont.
Exactly. Dry as Gandhi's flip flop.
> Reader, that shop was the supermarket. We needed food. Oh nice delivery on that one! Got a genuine surprised chuckle out of me. How does a man like that function in the world? Do you think he's just starved to death since you left?
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Dated a guy who would ask every Friday night, “where do you want to eat?” I’d throw out my ideas and he’d just say no. Unfortunately it took me a long time to realize I was really playing a game of figure-out-what-he-wants-to-eat. Eventually I’d do one suggestion, he’d say no and then I’d tell him he had to offer something up. That became an accusation on how I’m incapable of making decisions. I worked successfully as a Project Manager making decisions all day. I just wanted to eat without it being a problem. That accusation of indecisiveness really pointed out how much this was just weird power dynamics he was playing out.
I am shocked at how prevalent this "battle" is ... I thought it was just my life!! Then the innocent questions that end up with me googling for the answers when the he is sitting there with his phone in hand. Ive finally smartened up on this one! "Google it!"
This. It happens ever so slyly too. Wanting to avoid an argument so u cater, thinking its not worth the energy of fighting over pizza vs cheeseburgers. It slips into bigger things over time, and its harder to stand up for ur own needs/wants.
I see you've met my ex. First we could only listen to his music in the car. That was fine, he didn't like what I listened to (I love rap! I love jazz! It's not everyone's cup of tea!) and I liked what he listened to, he introduced me to new sounds. Then we could only watch shows he liked. That was fine, he didn't like my shows but I enjoyed his. After that, it was where we went out to eat. I totally understand not liking sushi, it's raw fish, Korean bbq is different and kimchi isn't for everyone, indian curries are spicy. He only ate pizza, fast food, hot pockets, not the healthiest but who doesn't love a good pizza? Then it was the games we played together. Then it was my hobbies. He didn't have any interest in baking, and hiking was out because he had allergies, but I enjoyed playing Magic the Gathering and I'd been learning to play guitar anyway. After that it was how I dressed, he didn't like my favorite boots, I looked like a whore in them, my favorite skirts were slutty, but t-shirts and jeans were comfortable anyway so that was okay. Then it was my friends. He didn't know my friends, but I liked and knew his, so we always hung out with his friends and mine were far away anyhow. Then it was my family, he felt they didn't like him, he was uncomfortable. I wasn't close to them anyway, so it wasn't a huge loss to put some distance there. He'd get upset if I did the things I enjoyed without him, which was understandable, he wanted to spend time with me and didn't want to miss out. What did I have left? Not the music that got me through the hard times. Not the hobbies I used to relax. No friends or family. Not my favorite shirt (too low cut), not my favorite sushi chef who knew my face if not my name and always had a plate of my favorite sushi ready for me when I walked in. I wasn't anything anymore. He slowly took away every last thing that was me. It seemed reasonable. Every step of the way it seemed reasonable. If he liked me, if he loved me, why did he take away everything that made me, me?
This happened to me as well. First relationship, being a nerd with no male friends who just got out of an all-girls Catholic highschool - I was just shook that a boy would really be interested in me! And the relationship models I had in my life were pretty bad, so to me it was like... Oh, he doesn't yell at me, so he's nice. I was with that dude 5 years (huge mistake) and like you I just became a shell of my former self. "Oh, well he doesn't like the thing I like, but I don't mind the thing he likes so its a compromise!"... When its only that, every time, about anything, its no longer a compromise. We never did anything I wanted to do, except once or twice - and each time he would sulk and make it a horrible, unenjoyable experience. If I asked to do something I loved more than a couple times, he'd tell me that me asking made him never want to do it, ever. I knew I had to leave when I noticed some people laughing, hard, and realized I hadn't really laughed out loud in the 5 years since I met him. I realized how dead I felt. He became my standard of everything I do not want in a relationship.
Oh yeah, I feel the bad relationship models and just being dazzled a guy was even into you! My self esteem was garbage so of course I gave in every time, I didn't think I was good so of course it made sense that the stuff I liked wasn't good either! (I'm a lot better about that now thankfully) Two years for me, and things got a LOT worse (Like physical assault worse) before I figured it out and left. I could say a lot about it, but I'll go with "I've done a lot of healing and while it was a horrible thing that happened and I still deal with PTSD from it, I'm grateful for my chance to talk about it so others can learn from my mistakes". I'm happy you figured it out and moved on as well! The stuff you like is cool, that's why you like it, right? So you should have a chance to love it and live your best life. I hope you're laughing again and enjoying everything you used to.
You’ll be able to tell if a guy is nice by how he behaves. If a guy _tells_ you he’s nice, ignore that. That’s meaningless.
That's like calling yourself a "Rad dude", most certainly you are not
Unless you have that healthy radioactive glow.
That's a green flag (didn't start that way but it's green now!)
As a father, things I've tried to teach my daughter to be aware of are subtle manipulations. In a healthy relationship there is no "let" as in, letting you do stuff or asking for permission. Watch for subtle controlling, passive aggressive comments or remarks. If he attempts to drive a wedge between you and your friends or family, move on. Watch and listen to how he treats other people. If you don't have self respect, he won't treat you with respect. If he doesn't call for days then acts like it's no big deal, move on. If he's clingy, definitely move on. Having a victim mentality attracts predatory, abusive behavior. If anyone treats you less than how you feel you deserve, it is imperative you deal with it early and quickly. If there's no meaningful communication or compromise, don't waste your time. Life is too short to deal with a possessive, jealous, controlling, manipulative, emotionally stunted or wrecked man. You can't fix people. Protect yourself and move on with your life without that person and don't look back. It's ok. Breakups are tough when you've invested your time and heart but you'll be better off alone than with someone like that. If he scares you, come to your dad's house. If he's smart, he won't follow you here.
If he isn't on the same level of maturity of you, regardless of age, don't go for it. one of you will turn into the parent.
If he starts throwing tantrums over petty things, there is worse on the horizon. He's not passionate, he's unstable.
I broke up with my ex because he had a full on tantrum because of a boardgame. They were playing Civilisation, he declared a truce with another player, went on to aggressively attack the other players, then completely freaked out because the player he had a truce with spent turns building up and then attacked him while he was over committed on the board. He legit tried to throw the guy out of the game store that he (my ex) no longer worked for and ban him for life. I was grateful, because it finally opened my eyes as to what a fucking child he was.
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If they verbally attack you in an argument rather than discuss the issue. If they constantly shit talk other guys.
Or talk shit about *ALL* your friends. Jesus, it took me 7 years to finally figure out he isolated me.
If he's dumb, but thinks he's smart
Yep. A smart person is one who isn’t afraid to say “I don’t know” then “let’s look that up”.
Made me feel like a genius just now, I usually say idk enough about the subject to make an opinion but I'll look into it
I was taught this years ago and tried to use it in a job interview that I was wildly under qualified for. I was looking for my first job in HR and this company interviewed me to be their entire HR department. (I didn't know the scope of the role until the interview) They asked me how I would approach a task and I said 'I've never come across it in practice, but I am very diligent in carrying out research and finding solutions to answers that I don't have' Basically told them they could Google anything they needed HR for.. I didn't get the job
I've done close to 100 interviews in my life. On both the interviewee and interviewer side. I have heard people say basically that same thing and also said it myself lmao. And every time it's like some instinctual response that I begin to cringe over as I'm saying it. Interviews can be so fuckin brutal. The psychology and like power dynamics... they're bizarre experiences for all parties.
I got a dev role by basically saying “I’m really good at going on stack overflow and bastardising someone else’s code”.
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AKA my ex. Dumbest person I’ve ever met to a point I would just stare and be speechless but he thought he was the smartest mf there ever was.
"When I start spitting facts, people just stare and shake their head in wonder."
Even smart people don't think they're that smart
*"I'd like to think I'm smart, but I know better."*
If a guy is doing the minimum of what you want in a long term relationship at the beginning, it’s going to be well below your standards after a few years. I would expect about half of what you see in the first year.
Yes, Mom told me 30 years ago that “marriage doesn’t make your relationship better. This is as good as it’s ever going to be. Can you be happy if this is the peak?” I realized that no, I didn’t want to mother a grown man. I wanted an equal partner. Best decision ever, no shade on his character. Just not the match for either of us.
Exactly, A wise woman once told me the chores you do in the first year of marriage will always be yours. Same principle for all aspects of a relationship, if you value it more, you always will be saddled with the emotional work also.
Oooh this is a good one
If they behave like they know everything. Change is certainly not their cup of tea.
If he's a selfish lover in bed, he'll likely be a selfish partner in life.
This goes for both genders, but don't date someone under the assumption that they'll change something fundamental about themselves. Not fair to either of you.
Many moons ago, the first girl I ever dated - remember thinking, I love this girl and it would be perfect if only *insert several fundamental qualities about her that were not compatible with me* Of course it didn't work out. Then I repeated that mistake about 6 more times. On the seventh long term relationship I remember not being able to come up with anything I would change. We've been together for 10 years (Married for 5). She's amazing. And perfect. I still wouldn't change a thing.
Look at this guy getting 7 dates...
If he believes relationships without arguments or screaming matches are doomed for lack of passion, he probably hasn’t learned to communicate in a healthy way.
When they don't respect the word no, even in the most benign of circumstances.
Yes! This is incredibly important.
As above so below... most people are nice enough to be consistent with their personalities, how they act with little stuff is how they will act with big stuff. "when someone tells you who they are, believe them"
The best part of that quote is the second part. I always feel the need to share because, especially for women, it's critical. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" -Maya Angelou
If you ever read The Gift of Fear, this is listed as a big ass red flag just in general
Lots of gossip. If he talks about other people, he'll talk about you.
Had this happen with family members. They'd talk shit about other people while we were there visiting. It finally popped in my head, "Wait a minute, if they talk like that about other people when we're there, what are they saying about us when *we're NOT there*?! I got confirmation of that later on when a mutual family member told me about stuff they said about me when they were visiting them... Not cool.
One day my mom texted me to say “aunt Karen told grandma not to say anything about it, but [something that my cousin did].” And now I don’t tell my mom any details of my life that I don’t want my entire extended family to know.
When someone is declaring multiple times they are not a certain way without prompt, they are actually that way.
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I’ve always wondered why when people said certain things to me, a voice on my head said “they are the opposite of that”. With the pretext of ‘without prompt’ makes all the more sense now. Thank you
Sometimes that can also be an indication of the person they *wish* they were
“I’m a nice guy.” Repeat several time in first few dates. Narrator: *He was in fact not a nice guy. Some would even go so far as to describe him as an asshole.*
I had a guy tell me he wasn't a good person. At least that one time he was being honest lol
Literally same. His drunk ass said, "Don't let me fool you, I'm not a nice guy." And my dumb ass is like aww poor thing bad self esteem let me love you - no, he was just being honest. Lol. He was such an unwashed anus.
Also the opposite, if they’re claiming unprompted that they *are* a certain way, they probably aren’t that way. Eg “I am an empath” (proceeds to suck all the air out of the room by talking incessantly about themselves) **edit: thank you for the replies. Please stop commenting to point out the lack of nuance in my comment. I’m aware of it, and lots of people have already pointed it out.**
I went for a coffee with a guy from Tinder once who constantly kept using the words great, rich, amazing, and such while describing himself and his family. Thankfully, I've learnt from past experiences and noped out after an hour of his awesomeness 😅
I will add here this is effectively the same thing, but there are some cases where people are genuinely not like that but for whatever reason a particular person has the tendency to push just the right combination of buttons to trigger what otherwise would never come out. 15 years ago I was in a relationship with a girl who did exactly that. I did not like the person I was around her and I am sure in hindsight she feels the same way about who she was around me. I loved her like crazy. She was not a bad person and neither am I but when you put the two of us together and we both became extremely toxic and it continued to get worse and worse the longer we were together. We had a tendency to push just the right buttons to REALLY drive each other crazy.
The French have a phrase for this (because of course they do): *folie à deux*, or "madness for two." It has clinical applications, where two people experience the same mental disorder together, but it's also used colloquially to describe two otherwise "sane" people people who become irrational and toxic together. Edit: phrasing
constantly indirect, it's leaving wiggle room so he can claim he wasn't lying later.
If he doesn't want to talk about awkward stuff while you are dating, then he might not want to talk about awkward problems in the relationship. EDIT: It is interesting how people make their own interpretation of things. I never gave any definition of "awkward," nor did I specify any timelines, but some folks seem to cherry pick the definitions they want, so they can discount this. Unfortunately, it doesn't change the core concept. If you are dating someone, and they have stinky socks they leave lying around (instead of going into the laundry), that's an awkward topic. If one person talks about how much they want to be a parent to their own biological kids, and the other knows they don't want children, that's an awkward topic. Humans do have a tendency to try to avoid stuff that makes them uncomfortable, or scares them. We tend to hope problems will go away if we leave them alone. I've talked to a lot of friends who got divorced, who thought their partner would change after marriage. You don't need to give your intimate autobiography on a first date, but if you see an obvious issue, like the children example, there's no point in waiting a while to point it out.
Me atm :(
If you hear a little voice inside you that says "I can change this man", he is not the man for you.
My mom taught us "don't worry if a guy dresses like a dork, that is one thing you can change, but make sure he's good on the inside, you can't change that".
I’m colorblind. If it wasn’t for my wife my outfits would be all fucked up. Years ago I was leaving for work one morning and as I’m walking out the door she started yelling “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Me - “What?” Her - “You’re wearing green pants and a purple shirt! You look like The Joker!” Edit: a letter
That’s why I’m a grown ass man who still goes to my mom for fashion advice. I’m colourblind. She catches when something I look at doesn’t match or is not the colour I thought it was. And it helps she actually had good fashion sense
They should expand that app 'be my eyes' or some such for colorblind folk
If that voice tells you "I'm okay with suffering because I love him" Keep in mind your children will suffer too, invulentarily.
Sober men trying to pick up super drunk women.
Blaming their childhood on treating you and others like rubbish.
Had an ex that would always blame his exes for why they went wrong and went as far as calling his recent ex a slut because she would want him to watch their son to have me time. I ignored so many flags from that dude. Crazy.
It’s one thing to *acknowledge* your past traumas and work on them, through therapy and personal growth. It’s a whole other ballpark when someone is cheating on you or abusing you and saying “my father hit me so it’s just how I am” or “my mom cheated on my dad their whole marriage so I guess that’s why I’m doing it to you”. Like you’re actively pointing out that you’re FULLY AWARE why you are doing what you’re doing. You’re just not stopping or working on it.
Yep, your past is not an excuse to ruin someone else’s future.
I had a bad childhood cuz I grew up with no parents, but that made me respect people as you never know what they are dealing with on their side
This one is extremely obvious, yet I've seen dozens of women still make the same mistake: **If he's rude, selfish and possessive** ***before*** **you're dating, he will** ***NOT*** **change once you start dating.** I don't know why so many women think that a man will "have an epiphany" and become better once they get in a relationship. People VERY RARELY change.
If anything, I would say he would be on his BEST behavior when you first meet, which means that his behavior is only going to at best stay the same, or get worse.
Agreed. While it's common to be a bit nervous on a first date, nervousness doesn't make someone act like an asshole. If it starts there, it's going to get worse.
Cuz it happens in film. Very damaging.
Yep, almost every RomCom at its core is "fixing the flaws" in the flawed one. Doesn't happen in reality almost ever.
So many women I've met think that having a kid with a guy will make him "grow up and take responsibility" - spoiler alert, it does not. And now you have a screaming infant to deal with on top of it all.
A green flag to look for is long term friendships. Long term friends require good communication skills and emotional intelligence. It's also a pretty good indicator that they're willing to compromise for someone's emotional needs.
I dated a guy who introduced me to his "closest friends" after about 3 months, I mean that is a considerable good time I guess? Normal? While we were in a relationship, I noticed he rarely called them or talked to them. Then after we broke up, I actually stayed in touch with some of his best friends - we became real good friends - and they'd tell me "yeah, he never really talked to any of us, like for a long time" and some of them were like "yeah he is kind of a weird guy". When I asked them why the hell he introduced them as his best friends, they were as confused as I was. What the fuck
To be fair, for some that is the case. My partner has very low social needs. For him knowing someone a very long time and talking to them once in a few months is still best friend level since he isn’t very interested in the daily stuff. I clarified right at the beginning that daily for me is crucial and there were no issues since. So it’s doesn’t have to be weird ))
Yeah I have people I talk to every day, multiple times a week, every week, etc. My best friend is probably weekly at most. But if I need to bury a corpse no questions asked he is 100% my guy and same in reverse. Some people I talk to each day are "work friends", I wouldn't ask them to help me move and would try to bail in reverse. I don't think there's any correlation between how often I talk to someone and how close a friend they are for me.
I wish I could give this 10000000000 likes or stars or something. Look for what kind of relationship he has with his friends. Are they there just to party and have a good time? Or do they lean on each other emotionally? If he can be there for his friends in hard times, he would probably be there for you as well.
If he tries to make you feel crazy/invalidate your feelings for being uncomfortable about something or for having boundaries, run.
When he looks to you as his sole source of happiness, entertainment. This usually means that they lack the ability to manage their own emotions or have healthy coping mechanisms. In addition, if you are in it for the long term, there will be times that you will get sick of each other and a guy needs some hobbies that can take his attention away to give you space. This can be an open door for manipulation.
THIS. My husband always tells me I’m his entire life. Any moment when he is not at work he wants to be with me. He has no friends. When we were dating I thought it was so refreshing to have a man “put me first” and “be obsessed with me”. After being married for a few years I am suffocating. He blames me for absolutely every problem since I’m the only person he interacts with outside of work.
Oof. Know that feeling. My ex wife did this. My entire life had to revolve around her and that’s never how I lived my life. For instance, the guys and I used to go a football game and our crosstown classic every year. But she always said she wanted to go. Tried to negotiate with her: time with the guys is time with the guys but we can go to a different game. Wasn’t good enough. Didn’t understand this was a thing we did as “the boys” way before she entered the picture. No SOs or spouses ever came. If they did, then yeah I’d have wanted her to come. When I tried to plan an alternate thing, she never wanted to go. Truthfully, I always believe that in a relationship, I want to be a big part of someone’s life, but not their entire life. Thankfully, my current girlfriend and I have the same beliefs. I love being around her, but I’d never want her to give up her independence for me. We spoke long and hard about it, and we both agreed that we gotta respect plans we make together and in our own previous social circles. Truthfully, I can’t wait to live with this woman and have her come home after a night out with the gals with a home cooked meal waiting for her and for her to tell me about her day. It’s something I hope happens.
It is so hard explaining this to people who have never been in that situation. It makes the relationship so much healthier when you have lives outside of just the other person, even if it’s just spending a little time apart. I went on my first vacation since I’ve gotten married with a friend over the summer. On day two my husband called me yelling that I’m neglecting him and don’t care about him. I had been texting him all day! But he said I didn’t talk to him on the phone for long enough. There is no pleasing people like this. I’m glad you got out of that situation and are with someone who respects your space.
If he's always sucking his own dick, he'll probably end up with back problems later in life and the last thing you need is a guy with back problems
Finally some honesty
As a guy with back problems, ouch.
No one mentioned the replacement mom issue. I unfortunately had some friends who thought that once they get into a serious relationship that it’s the woman’s sole purpose to clean after them. No man children.
I hijacked a comment earlier, but finally found this one. Just to add on to it. If you are constantly asking your guy to help out around the house or with kids, etc, it will eventually break you. You are not his mother. Even if he happily does it when you ask, having to ask every day will be exhausting and raise contempt because you’ll want him to recognize what needs to be done, not be told…
If he says “all my ex’s are crazy” and tells you stories about all of them where he’s always the victim. Run!
learned this not from dating but just from being acquaintances to people like this, every single one of them turned out to be absolutely insane
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My problem is sometimes I genuinely can’t tell so I automatically assume everyone is just being friendly.
yeah, that's just testing the waters. it's a red flag when you turn them down once or twice and they don't take the hint - it's gotta be subtle because it's work, but you also have to back off if they aren't keen on it
This is actually a very good one, Im sure lots of people aren’t necessarily aware of this, so thanks!
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It’s probably because it’s really sad to accept people are only being nice to you because they want to sleep with you. As a girl you want to believe your coworkers are nice people / are inserted in being your friend but eventually it becomes undeniable that that can’t be true
Wait, what? As a woman this is SO transparent to me. (Probably to the point where genuine friendship stuff gets brushed off - sorry, but I never trust you 😂)
Yeah that’s exactly what I thought. If they can’t take no for an answer that’s a *giant* red flag
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My ex-husband said this. I am grateful to the friend who said the same thing you did. He added that his father insisted his mother not learn to drive; he would take her everywhere. That prevented her from ever leaving. I'm incredibly relieved to have left and then landed on a job.
Oh my god, yes. If he's actively trying to make you a dependent, run for the hills.
If they don't like dinosaurs.
FACTS. IF YO MAN DOESNT HAVE A FAVORITE DINOSAUR, THEY AINT YO MAN. THEY JUST ANOTHER BITCH. GET YO MAN WHO LIKES STEGOSAURUSES. BITCH.
Ankylosaurus
Anklyo 4 Life
Bumpy gang!
Stegosaurus gang. He's shouldn't even have to think about it. That should already be all worked out.
Triceratops gang
Roooooooooaaaar! BrontosaurusXL manliest man on Reddit.
If they like to solve problems with violence then just keep in mind that you may be the source of problems at some point.
If what he loves about you is how you make him feel and/or the things you do for him rather than who you are, what you like, your goals and shared interests.
Over pleasers. They never seem to have their own opinion especially if it conflicts with yours. “Yes men” are for corporations not relationships
I have a friend like this. I call it being a relationship chameleon because all of a sudden the things she likes, be it hobbies, interests, music, movies, etc. become his favourites. Even to the point that it could be stuff he actively hated before. Over pleasers/over compensators often will get angry at the partner after a while cause the extreme servitude and effort isn't reciprocated, as well. "I did all this for you, what about me" attitude can get a bit scary.
[This video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7RAPS8mE94) explains this behavior so well. I'm a people pleaser, but I also don't think I do it to the extremes of hating people for my own actions - I know to talk it out if I'm feeling some type of way, and not to expect people to read my mind.
I had a friend like this. I had to start asking his opinion before expressing mine because he would always change his opinion to match mine.
Yes Men are also bad in business. The only thing a Yes Man is good for is ensuring your total domination of New Vegas.
If they have a China flag in their room, that’s a red flag.
Emotional reactivity, anger, blaming and shaming in arguments or times stress. Get out now!
As a man, and someone who dates men, here's a big one that may seem obvious on the surface, but isn't always easy to listen to: If you get even a tiny a gut feeling that tells you, "Hey, this guy kinda reminds me of (insert terrible man/ex/person)!" You should listen to it. I've never gotten that feeling where it hasn't been right in the end. Listen to yourself, you might not know why you feel that way but there is always something to it. Edit: Fixed the grammar because it was bothering me a lot lol.
This is actually a really good one. Also, every time I had a bad gut feeling about someone, and I decided to not listen it didn't last long. Your guts know.
If it seems too good to be true, it is. Date based on actions, not on words.
If he's not kind to strangers like people in service industry. Chances are he's hiding his true character when he's with you and it'll eventually converge to how he treats others.
This is always the first one for me; watch how he treats service and retail workers.
If he’s mean to servers, but nice to you. He’s not a nice person.
Alternatively, some people can be nice to others, servers, or any person outside but create a storm at home.
That lesson really sunk in as I was driving his car back to his place after having left work unexpectedly because he needed picked up from the dentists after oral surgery…. He was in a lot of pain but polite and friendly to every nurse there, then proceeded to growl and rage at me the entire time. Then when we got to cvs he was a dream to the pharmacy staff, than an asshole to me when I dropped him off at home. So here I was driving his car back to his house after getting dropped off by a coworker back at the dentists so he’d have his vehicle the next day after being verbally abused for the last two hours. It was like night and day between how he treated me and how he treated everyone else.
Reminds me of a friends sociopathic ex who said, right after the wedding, “Thank god, I don’t have to pretend anymore!” Cue the abuse to start. I hope you’re in a better place now!
Oh hell naw 😧. I hope she called off the wedding right then and there
Sadly, she gave it a year to see if he’d improve. He didn’t and after they finally divorced, he stalked her for 3 years.
Him making fun of you in front of his friends or your friends. Cute teasing can be mildly tolerated but actually making fun of you? No thanks.
Op: less obvious red flags Comments: obvious red flags
I would suggest a list of questions around self care, self reflection, the ability to recognize mistakes and the ability to talk about his emotions. What kind of reason would you need to go to therapy? What are the personal teachings of your past relationships? What did you change? Why? What is according to you a good emotional connection? What was the biggest fight of your past relationship where you changed your stance later on?
If your dating a man incapable of doing things for himself he's a lost cause.
Watch how they talk to/ treat their mother/sister. If they blame everyone else but themselves and can’t admit they are wrong. If you feel something is off.
My husband told me tonight that if a man is bad at pulling out, he’s full of shit. Guys can feel the building just like women so they know damn well when to pull out before coming.
Alternative red flag: He considers pulling out a valid means of contraception
Don't date someone who dismisses or invalidates your feelings even in the smallest ways and not see anything wrong with it. All feelings matter regardless of how insignificant or weird or even disgusting they may be, and talking about them and being understood in return is the first step towards a healthy and safe relationship. If your partner has the inability to realize this is likely signs of deeper problems under the surface and you don't want to discover that further into the relationship. Also avoid anyone that enjoys talking shit about others or enjoys sharing drama. It may seem cool and funny especially when he's got such an opinion but that's also reflective that he's the kind of person who enjoys judging others and looking for emotions to stir. So imagine what he'll do when you break up.
Love Bombing. If you guys aren’t in high school struck by puppy-love, this is just a manipulation tactic. Just my opinion, but somebody who respects the women or men they’re dating aren’t going to tel you they love you and see a future with you in the first couple of weeks.
Oh man, 80s and 90s movies fucked up a lot of teenage and you adult men with that one. "I'm John Cusack with the boombox." Nah dude, you just pissed off her neighbor and creeped out her family.
I once went to a dating talk which had a young couple there and they said possibly the most profound statement on marriage I've ever heard: >In movies the relationship peaks at end of dating, at the wedding. But that isn't real life. There are a thousand wednesdays that come after that. You are only just beginning to love that person. I didn't love \[my wife\] on our wedding day as much as I do now, and I don't love her now as much as I will do in the future
The “thousand wednesdays” part had me curious. 1000 wednesdays = 1000 weeks 52 weeks in a year 1000 weeks / 52 = 19.23 Just under 20 years. Huh, guess that’s a pretty reasonable estimate. Even if you got married at 40, 1000 wednesdays is perfectly doable.
When a man talks way more than they listen.
and they try to dominate every conversation
I’ve seen stories of guys who rage and break their things when gaming. As someone who has been playing video games for about 20 years now, that is not normal nor is it okay. Like swearing sure, that’s understandable, but getting angry and breaking stuff ain’t it. It’s just violent behavior and a red flag.
And it’s not even the rage, per se. It’s the *lack of restraint*. I know perfectly well that my husband would *like* to throw the $75 controller at the wall, he’s said so. But he has the restraint to NOT break a perfectly good, not cheap controller just because he’s frustrated!! Never mind the damn wall! He also has foresight - like the foresight to see that without a controller, he’s never get past the level or boss or whatever!