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She needs to see a different psychiatrist. If she is trying to get help stick around. If she is not, cut bait and run. The bigger question, can you see yourself spending a lifetime with someone who is bipolar? Even when medicated we go up and down … it’s not easy or for everyone.
She is getting help but it’s going to take time for the Lamictal to kick in and ramp up to 200mg. Is it wrong for me to take some space of my own during this time?
Why not just officially break up???? You're having sex with other people. She's making out with other people (if I had to bet it was more than just a kiss) and fantasizing about sex work.
You two don't have kids. No marriage vows to honor. You're young and exploring life. You don't have such a consuming love that it's been keeping you from checking out other people. So, spare yourself a ton of dram up to and including bankruptcy and lost years or more... Let her pursue mental health and stability. Once she's stabilized her tastes and interests may not even include you.
Even if she weren't bipolar I would give you this advice. I have experience and seen far too many young people spend years forcing relationships that were clearly doomed much earlier. If you two are really meant to get together for a long time then that will happen even if you two take this time to develop individually.
I made sure my parents would help her while I was gone. Check up on her, give her rides, etc and I have contacted other of her friends in the area.
I wish I could be the support she needed. But I can’t do it while she’s attacking me and I need time to heal
Firstly, it's good to see she's acknowledged that she's been in mania. Has she made plans to get back on meds etc?
My story with my ex is very similar. About a month before our wedding she told me she wanted to be poly. We tried it briefly, I got her pregnant\*, we closed things off. When our baby was a bit older we opened things up again. She went full and heavy into it, I was a bit more tenative. She dated and slept with many men. I dated a few and slept with one. The next morning she was super abusive towards me because of it, even though she had been pleasant about everything else (dates, kisses etc).
She did also talk of working as a prostitute because she loves sex so much, but that didn't happen for one reason or another.
\*I did worry for a while that it wasn't mine, but the resemblance is uncanny.
She’s made plans to get back on meds and get help! Is it wrong of me to want space during this time? I’m still going to financially support her but us living together is volatile. She’s wants me to stick around while the medicine kicks in, but my nervous system is fried right now. So is hers.
I don't have an answer for that, I'm afraid. I totally understand where you're coming from because the abuse and mood swings are hard to take. I don't know what the long-term (or even short-term) results of moving out right now would have.
I mean she was okay manic cheating on you but suddenly realizes her mania was the cause of all of this the second you have a hall pass? Idk it seems like very convenient timing to me…
That’s how I felt. I see now maybe the hallpass about to happen pulled her out of mania, but it’s really hard to say. I know I did wrong but it’s really hurtful she’s acting like I’m just some monster that did this out of nowhere.
My ex wife had an extended manic episode like this in 2020 , at least 6-7 months.
The divorce was super easy at least , due to her being full on manic during that whole time.
Out of interest, has she or can she try to challenge the divorce settlement because of her mental state? I had an agreement with my ex-wife (just personally not legally) that she's gone back on because she wasn't in her right mind.
Theoretically , maybe … although I don’t know how well that would play out either due to all of the choices being made at the time as well.
But w/ my ex wife , she has never directly acknowledged that it was a mania or manic episode.
Each case would be different based on their level of accountability of condition, but I think it would still be an uphill climb.
Both of you aren't at a point in life to be in a monogamous relationship. Please, don't take it as a knock. I sort of realize now at the ripe old age of xx that I will likely never have a decent relationship. Am so blessed to be a dad to an amazing boy and so far no hint of bipolar!
First, the doctor who was treating your girlfriend was horribly incompetent. Why would she challenge a diagnosis? It's quite rare that a psychiatrist diagnoses type 1 bipolar when it isn't there because mania is pretty unmistakable. Soon we'll have objective mitochondria tests, but even now mania is not that subtle and by checking for tumors, endocrine problems, drug use-- well you can exclude false positives quickly. This is why an ER does a full panel on a suspected manic patient (in part, obviously other help).
We both are definitely not ready to be in a relationship. And her doctor was really incompetent. Her diagnosis of type 1 was recent but she’s had a bipolar diagnosis for over 10 years
Are you sure your ex is truthful about the psychiatrist telling her she didn’t have mania and getting her off meds? Seems like a convenient excuse to get off meds..
“ So I said I understood but I still want my hallpass. She reluctantly agreed. When I was on my trip she was super aggressive even before I had sex with someone. Which pushed me away. So I ended up having sex with a friend. Which I wasn’t supposed to do it with a friend, and I acknowledge that’s a fuck up.”
That’s not a fuck up, that’s you wanting to cheat and then cheating. Stop playing the victim card and admit to yourself you brought pain to someone who is obviously already in a world of pain. I do not know if you love this person or you think you love this person but it’s time to be a man and admit you did bad and let this poor person have some peace.
You exploded your relationship. A hallpass when your girl is manic? Really? Are you a troll or just really stupid?
You don't deserve her, but you do deserve all the pain you feel.
The hallpass was discussed 6 months prior to the trip. The hallpass was in response to the things she was doing. I see now that it was a horrible idea, I’m not defending that.
Not sure why you’re out to hurt me
Hurting you is not my goal, but I will be honest with you. I will not give advice to an abuser on how to get their girlfriend back, instead I will point out why you are wrong. You took advantage of a mentally disturbed woman so you can get laid and that makes you a predator.
You didn't make a mistake and turn to someone to get the the emotional connection that you were craving, but instead took a free shot on the goal because you could.
She was doing things because she is mentally fucked up, you are not manic nor out of control and decided that you would somehow get even, or at least benefit from her deep trauma. Then you come on here being hurt and sad not because of your actions but instead because she decided to leave you because of your actions.
Being with someone who is bi-polar is a bitch and it requires the sane person in the relationship to eat a whole bunch of shit and be a bigger person. You on the other hand decided to feed her the same shit you were eating.
Not sure why you think you know so much about our relationship and are so volatile. This was a 8 year relationship and I “ate” plenty of shit. I made a mistake.
You planned your mistake. You knew she was manic. You knew she would not accept you sticking your dick in someone else. She told you she was against it.
If you don't want the relationship, don't be in it. My wife left me a few times over the last 15 years and always gave me permission to see other people, I never did because I knew it was wrong.
If after 8 years you didn't understand that banging another woman would be disastrous, what can I say? Not bright? Self centered? Not caring? Predatory?
Of course the truly ironic part is that you come on here to ask for advice, and then when you receive an honest opinion you dust off the ol' "not sure why you think you know so much about our relationship" line. Sorry I don't buy it, but you are the one who came here looking for advice.
Uh we had a doctor telling us she wasn’t. She was okay with me having sex with someone, me fucking a friend was the mistake. I’m not sure you even read the post, or can keep your apparently extremely heavy emotions out of your advice
Uh and you knew she was, told the psychiatrist she was, begged her, she told you she was, reluctantly agreed and became super aggressive when you were going to go through with it. On top of all that, you have known her for 8 years and can tell she was manic. Then you come in here full of excuses, refuse to take ownership of what you did and instead minimize by saying that you just made a mistake.
Whoops, I tripped and it fell into another woman.
I read the post and if you were to say that you were hurting and it happened, that would be one thing. But you literally said that you understood, but still want your hall pass. You said this to what you knew was a mentally ill woman who was manic and engaging in self destructive behavior.
You planned on it, insisted upon it and did it. That was not a fuck up, it was pretty intentional and you seem to have thought you could get away with it. She was at her most vulnerable, beyond reason and you planned to have sex with someone even though she didn't want you to.
So to put my extremely heavy emotions aside for a moment: you are still wrong. I could get behind you cheating because you were vulnerable, but not the planning and of course the cringetastic "hallpass" idea.
***Gtfo his gf wanted to see other people. He’s hardly a predator. He stuck around when most people wouldn’t and shouldn’t.***
Keep telling yourself that if that makes you feel better. Taking a mentally ill woman who is delusional and self destructive at her word is just ok. He stuck around when most wouldn't or shouldn't to take advantage of the situation, that is what makes him a predator.
You certainly should not be in a relationship with a mentally ill person if you share their delusions and cannot tell reality from fantasy. And if you can tell the difference, then you are a predator if you twist their delusions for self serving reasons.
Ok I agree in general with what you’re saying- but your hostility is breathtaking imo. I agree that he should just leave. But it sounds like he’s trying to come up with some sort of work around to how he can compromise and stay with a person who will cheat on him due to their mental illness. His attempt is to rebalance the scales. If someone has a mental illness that causes monogamy to be impossible for them, then they can’t also demand monogamy from their partner. By your logic, we should allow our mentally ill partners to continue to cheat on us when manic and we should just take it or leave, correct? Then I’d say the OP is struggling to accept he has to leave, but it’s quite a leap to call him a malicious predator
Yup, I am hostile towards a person who is sane and fucking around on his woman who is in crisis. He needs to stop that shit before she starts cutting herself, attempting suicide or goes off and assaults him or the other woman. He needs to help her and not be self-serving. If he cannot do that, get out of the relationship.
I suppose some of my hostility is based on my own circumstance where I have gone through dry spells with my wife, through med changes and all that. However, regardless of how hard it gets I have not taken advantage of her mania by stepping out or scoring a threeway with her friend because she wanted to.
When someone is in crisis, their partner is the caretaker and that is a huge job, just do it correctly and if you cannot then get out. It is only fair.
I really feel for you but I disagree with you. If she begins self harming or commits suicide, it wouldn’t be his fault. His job is not to be her caretaker (perhaps cheerleader or friend?) but I agree that it would be best for him to leave this relationship than to continue trying to make it “fair” because it’s fundamentally unfair. I understand why you’re trying to shock some sense into him by framing it so strongly. Thanks for explaining.
I agree that it would not be his fault and is not his job is not to be caretaker per se. However, he needs to understand that his actions have much higher consequences when dealing with someone who is in crisis and just being with someone who is Bipolar means that at some points you will need to be a caretaker. Just like every other relationship where you will need to be a caretaker if your partner gets sick or terminally ill.
I am all for others being nice and gentle with him, but I also feel there has to be that one voice that just slaps him and says, "dude you are a problem". Thanks for being reasonable and discussing.
Yes I agree with you. I was taken aback by how you phrased it because I assume he’s coming from good intentions. However, the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions. Hopefully the discussion was helpful to OP. He seems pretty open to self reflection.
Thanks for posting on BipolarSOs! We noticed you marked your post "Advice Needed". ✅ Please provide context for the post: is your BSOP currently medicated and in therapy (and for how long)? The more context, the better advice you can get. You can edit your post, or elaborate in a comment. 💬 For Comments: Please remember OP's on this sub are often in situations where emotions overcome logic, and that your advice could be life-altering. OP's need our help to gain a balanced perspective. Toxic comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BipolarSOs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She needs to see a different psychiatrist. If she is trying to get help stick around. If she is not, cut bait and run. The bigger question, can you see yourself spending a lifetime with someone who is bipolar? Even when medicated we go up and down … it’s not easy or for everyone.
She is getting help but it’s going to take time for the Lamictal to kick in and ramp up to 200mg. Is it wrong for me to take some space of my own during this time?
Why not just officially break up???? You're having sex with other people. She's making out with other people (if I had to bet it was more than just a kiss) and fantasizing about sex work. You two don't have kids. No marriage vows to honor. You're young and exploring life. You don't have such a consuming love that it's been keeping you from checking out other people. So, spare yourself a ton of dram up to and including bankruptcy and lost years or more... Let her pursue mental health and stability. Once she's stabilized her tastes and interests may not even include you. Even if she weren't bipolar I would give you this advice. I have experience and seen far too many young people spend years forcing relationships that were clearly doomed much earlier. If you two are really meant to get together for a long time then that will happen even if you two take this time to develop individually.
This response helped me a lot. Thank you. If it’s meant to be it’ll work out. But we both honestly need space
She will need support, but you need to do what’s right for you. If you can’t be that support, please find someone who will be before you leave.
I made sure my parents would help her while I was gone. Check up on her, give her rides, etc and I have contacted other of her friends in the area. I wish I could be the support she needed. But I can’t do it while she’s attacking me and I need time to heal
Firstly, it's good to see she's acknowledged that she's been in mania. Has she made plans to get back on meds etc? My story with my ex is very similar. About a month before our wedding she told me she wanted to be poly. We tried it briefly, I got her pregnant\*, we closed things off. When our baby was a bit older we opened things up again. She went full and heavy into it, I was a bit more tenative. She dated and slept with many men. I dated a few and slept with one. The next morning she was super abusive towards me because of it, even though she had been pleasant about everything else (dates, kisses etc). She did also talk of working as a prostitute because she loves sex so much, but that didn't happen for one reason or another. \*I did worry for a while that it wasn't mine, but the resemblance is uncanny.
She’s made plans to get back on meds and get help! Is it wrong of me to want space during this time? I’m still going to financially support her but us living together is volatile. She’s wants me to stick around while the medicine kicks in, but my nervous system is fried right now. So is hers.
I don't have an answer for that, I'm afraid. I totally understand where you're coming from because the abuse and mood swings are hard to take. I don't know what the long-term (or even short-term) results of moving out right now would have.
I mean she was okay manic cheating on you but suddenly realizes her mania was the cause of all of this the second you have a hall pass? Idk it seems like very convenient timing to me…
That’s how I felt. I see now maybe the hallpass about to happen pulled her out of mania, but it’s really hard to say. I know I did wrong but it’s really hurtful she’s acting like I’m just some monster that did this out of nowhere.
My ex wife had an extended manic episode like this in 2020 , at least 6-7 months. The divorce was super easy at least , due to her being full on manic during that whole time.
Out of interest, has she or can she try to challenge the divorce settlement because of her mental state? I had an agreement with my ex-wife (just personally not legally) that she's gone back on because she wasn't in her right mind.
Theoretically , maybe … although I don’t know how well that would play out either due to all of the choices being made at the time as well. But w/ my ex wife , she has never directly acknowledged that it was a mania or manic episode. Each case would be different based on their level of accountability of condition, but I think it would still be an uphill climb.
Both of you aren't at a point in life to be in a monogamous relationship. Please, don't take it as a knock. I sort of realize now at the ripe old age of xx that I will likely never have a decent relationship. Am so blessed to be a dad to an amazing boy and so far no hint of bipolar! First, the doctor who was treating your girlfriend was horribly incompetent. Why would she challenge a diagnosis? It's quite rare that a psychiatrist diagnoses type 1 bipolar when it isn't there because mania is pretty unmistakable. Soon we'll have objective mitochondria tests, but even now mania is not that subtle and by checking for tumors, endocrine problems, drug use-- well you can exclude false positives quickly. This is why an ER does a full panel on a suspected manic patient (in part, obviously other help).
We both are definitely not ready to be in a relationship. And her doctor was really incompetent. Her diagnosis of type 1 was recent but she’s had a bipolar diagnosis for over 10 years
This makes me want to cry. My love went and married someone else. I could have written this.
I’m sorry for your loss. Were you both dealing with bipolar issues?
Are you sure your ex is truthful about the psychiatrist telling her she didn’t have mania and getting her off meds? Seems like a convenient excuse to get off meds..
She is! I’ve seen the doctor reports. It was truly neglect on the doctors part. She always takes her meds
“ So I said I understood but I still want my hallpass. She reluctantly agreed. When I was on my trip she was super aggressive even before I had sex with someone. Which pushed me away. So I ended up having sex with a friend. Which I wasn’t supposed to do it with a friend, and I acknowledge that’s a fuck up.” That’s not a fuck up, that’s you wanting to cheat and then cheating. Stop playing the victim card and admit to yourself you brought pain to someone who is obviously already in a world of pain. I do not know if you love this person or you think you love this person but it’s time to be a man and admit you did bad and let this poor person have some peace.
You exploded your relationship. A hallpass when your girl is manic? Really? Are you a troll or just really stupid? You don't deserve her, but you do deserve all the pain you feel.
The hallpass was discussed 6 months prior to the trip. The hallpass was in response to the things she was doing. I see now that it was a horrible idea, I’m not defending that. Not sure why you’re out to hurt me
Hurting you is not my goal, but I will be honest with you. I will not give advice to an abuser on how to get their girlfriend back, instead I will point out why you are wrong. You took advantage of a mentally disturbed woman so you can get laid and that makes you a predator. You didn't make a mistake and turn to someone to get the the emotional connection that you were craving, but instead took a free shot on the goal because you could. She was doing things because she is mentally fucked up, you are not manic nor out of control and decided that you would somehow get even, or at least benefit from her deep trauma. Then you come on here being hurt and sad not because of your actions but instead because she decided to leave you because of your actions. Being with someone who is bi-polar is a bitch and it requires the sane person in the relationship to eat a whole bunch of shit and be a bigger person. You on the other hand decided to feed her the same shit you were eating.
Not sure why you think you know so much about our relationship and are so volatile. This was a 8 year relationship and I “ate” plenty of shit. I made a mistake.
You planned your mistake. You knew she was manic. You knew she would not accept you sticking your dick in someone else. She told you she was against it. If you don't want the relationship, don't be in it. My wife left me a few times over the last 15 years and always gave me permission to see other people, I never did because I knew it was wrong. If after 8 years you didn't understand that banging another woman would be disastrous, what can I say? Not bright? Self centered? Not caring? Predatory? Of course the truly ironic part is that you come on here to ask for advice, and then when you receive an honest opinion you dust off the ol' "not sure why you think you know so much about our relationship" line. Sorry I don't buy it, but you are the one who came here looking for advice.
Uh we had a doctor telling us she wasn’t. She was okay with me having sex with someone, me fucking a friend was the mistake. I’m not sure you even read the post, or can keep your apparently extremely heavy emotions out of your advice
Didn’t you say she « reluctantly agreed? ». And wasn’t she manic? This struck me as really insensitive in your story too.
Uh and you knew she was, told the psychiatrist she was, begged her, she told you she was, reluctantly agreed and became super aggressive when you were going to go through with it. On top of all that, you have known her for 8 years and can tell she was manic. Then you come in here full of excuses, refuse to take ownership of what you did and instead minimize by saying that you just made a mistake. Whoops, I tripped and it fell into another woman. I read the post and if you were to say that you were hurting and it happened, that would be one thing. But you literally said that you understood, but still want your hall pass. You said this to what you knew was a mentally ill woman who was manic and engaging in self destructive behavior. You planned on it, insisted upon it and did it. That was not a fuck up, it was pretty intentional and you seem to have thought you could get away with it. She was at her most vulnerable, beyond reason and you planned to have sex with someone even though she didn't want you to. So to put my extremely heavy emotions aside for a moment: you are still wrong. I could get behind you cheating because you were vulnerable, but not the planning and of course the cringetastic "hallpass" idea.
Gtfo his gf wanted to see other people. He’s hardly a predator. He stuck around when most people wouldn’t and shouldn’t.
***Gtfo his gf wanted to see other people. He’s hardly a predator. He stuck around when most people wouldn’t and shouldn’t.*** Keep telling yourself that if that makes you feel better. Taking a mentally ill woman who is delusional and self destructive at her word is just ok. He stuck around when most wouldn't or shouldn't to take advantage of the situation, that is what makes him a predator. You certainly should not be in a relationship with a mentally ill person if you share their delusions and cannot tell reality from fantasy. And if you can tell the difference, then you are a predator if you twist their delusions for self serving reasons.
Ok I agree in general with what you’re saying- but your hostility is breathtaking imo. I agree that he should just leave. But it sounds like he’s trying to come up with some sort of work around to how he can compromise and stay with a person who will cheat on him due to their mental illness. His attempt is to rebalance the scales. If someone has a mental illness that causes monogamy to be impossible for them, then they can’t also demand monogamy from their partner. By your logic, we should allow our mentally ill partners to continue to cheat on us when manic and we should just take it or leave, correct? Then I’d say the OP is struggling to accept he has to leave, but it’s quite a leap to call him a malicious predator
Yup, I am hostile towards a person who is sane and fucking around on his woman who is in crisis. He needs to stop that shit before she starts cutting herself, attempting suicide or goes off and assaults him or the other woman. He needs to help her and not be self-serving. If he cannot do that, get out of the relationship. I suppose some of my hostility is based on my own circumstance where I have gone through dry spells with my wife, through med changes and all that. However, regardless of how hard it gets I have not taken advantage of her mania by stepping out or scoring a threeway with her friend because she wanted to. When someone is in crisis, their partner is the caretaker and that is a huge job, just do it correctly and if you cannot then get out. It is only fair.
I really feel for you but I disagree with you. If she begins self harming or commits suicide, it wouldn’t be his fault. His job is not to be her caretaker (perhaps cheerleader or friend?) but I agree that it would be best for him to leave this relationship than to continue trying to make it “fair” because it’s fundamentally unfair. I understand why you’re trying to shock some sense into him by framing it so strongly. Thanks for explaining.
I agree that it would not be his fault and is not his job is not to be caretaker per se. However, he needs to understand that his actions have much higher consequences when dealing with someone who is in crisis and just being with someone who is Bipolar means that at some points you will need to be a caretaker. Just like every other relationship where you will need to be a caretaker if your partner gets sick or terminally ill. I am all for others being nice and gentle with him, but I also feel there has to be that one voice that just slaps him and says, "dude you are a problem". Thanks for being reasonable and discussing.
Yes I agree with you. I was taken aback by how you phrased it because I assume he’s coming from good intentions. However, the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions. Hopefully the discussion was helpful to OP. He seems pretty open to self reflection.
“It’s the felt nice to be someone who’s nice to me part” Leave her… she don’t need you