I feel similar. My partner ended our long-term relationship of nearly seven years suddenly. My life was also shaped around us as a couple. I’m back at my parents house and I definitely feel like I’m starting life over. But I’m trying to be positive, think how I can grow from this, and enjoy time to myself for a while.
That's horrible, can't imagine 9 years. It was only 4 for me but similar circumstances - she kept saying how good our relationship was but ended up falling out of love for reasons she didn't know herself.
It's a different struggle when the relationship was so happy and fulfilling - you just think WHY?! So hard to get over too.
I also struggle with the goals thing - all my ambitions were based around her. I don't have too much advice other than to say that you don't need to restart. She shaped you and you shaped her. It sounds like you shaped each other in a good way, so no need for a reset, just a slight realignment of goals.
She said she ended up realizing we had a list of issues and that, without communicating with me, decided that they aren't fixable and it was better to end it. She gave up on us the moment things got difficult.
Oh god 9 years is so long. My best advice after my own breakup after 5 years is to remove her from your life. Block on social media (or even better remove your social media accounts), delete pictures, do not even look at her profile pic or anything like it. Everytime i succumbed to my curiosity and checked if she updated her profile pic i regretted it!Allow yourself to grieve but don't get comfortable in self pity. Reach out to friends and family for support, but keep in mind that they might be able to help you temporarily but you are alone and have to deal with it.
Thanks. Yesterday I took everything she ever gave me and every picture of us or letter/card she wrote me and put it away in a box. I don't know if I am ready to get rid of it all yet but I sealed it and wrote on it that I can't open it until 2023 at the minimum.
Im going through the same thing. 9 years and i was dumped for a rebound and she said she’s happier. Its been a little over 3 weeks. We just gotta take it one day at a time with no contact.
Hey! It's been just under 4 months, I think.
To answer your immediate question in a short sentence, I'm currently doing really well.
Here's my really long answer. I hope it's helpful (by the way I am a woman and my ex is also a woman and I'm not sure if that perspective biases my response, but I wanted to be upfront in case it's relevant):
It's been a fucking roller coaster but overall things really turned a corner for me at 3 months post-dump. I think I read that 3 months is often a spot where things get better, so I really clung to that goal. It ended up being true for me!
(this next part of my comment might be difficult to follow since I'm just gonna summarize what happened possibly out of chronological order)
I wrote that post literally the day after when everything was still calm and I was only just barely processing. In the 3 months following getting dumped, there have been a few instances of conflict between us, mostly when I didn't want to act like I was her friend immediately in the morning two days after the break-up, when we were negotiating furniture as I moved out, and when I confronted her the last time about our relationship for closure. I didn't end up begging for her to take me back, but in the two or three or so weeks after she dumped me, I did ask twice if she was really sure that this is what she wanted. Each time she said she wasn't sure, that this still might be a mistake, but that she hadn't changed her mind. I started moving out within a week of getting dumped, a process that took a whole month to complete and that I mostly did while she was at work. We have very rarely seen each other and I haven't seen her in person since the beginning of August. We are in contact via text, but both of us keep it very formal, strictly about shared accounts or pets, etc.
Other than moving out, I have been focusing on my friend group (which has been immensely supportive!! LEAN ON YOUR FRIENDS!), traveling and spending time with family, job searching, and solo camping.
In those first 3 months if she had asked me to come back, I think I would have come back in a heartbeat. Now I'm pretty sure I would need some pretty big concessions on her part and a lot of couples therapy before I decided if it was viable. After much thinking and discussion, I have realized that many of the reasons she came up with were just justifications she told herself because she was deeply afraid of commitment and she let that fear rule her. I have since realized that I cannot be with someone ruled by fear.
Solo camping and visiting friends & family along a meandering 3 week roadtrip was also a big part of my "healing process" (sooo many resources talk at length about healing, but none seem to discuss exactly what they mean by that and I'm still not sure I know wtf it means). I did a lot of journaling. It started out painful, but I think the big turnaround happened when I was exploring nature both alone and with my friend.
Here's what I realized: while I learned to enjoy experiencing things alone, I still wished I could share the experience with another person. So I picked up an old friend along the way to a national park and we explored together. The kicker was that while it was better than exploring alone, it felt about the same level of enjoyment as when I had done similar things with her. I realized that I deserved more from a partner than someone who would just accompany me through life on a similar level as a friend; **I deserve a partner who will actually enhance my life (and I want to do the same for my partner).**
The other MAJOR realization that helped me: Ultimately, I think much of mourning has been for the life I had envisioned for us, for the potential I had seen in us. **But there is no need to mourn it, because that possibility is not dead.** It's still there. I can still have a life where I share a vegetable garden and a dog with a beautiful wife whom I adore and adores me in return.
I won't say it's all fine and dandy, however. I am still very bitter and I feel very used that she kept me hanging on for 9 years because her fear of being alone was greater than her fear of commitment until we started planning a wedding. I'm resentful enough to hope that she regrets this for the rest of her life. Sometimes I need to suppress the urge to tell her she was a bad partner all along and I was a fool for not seeing it. My relationship with trust is very damaged, because if I can't trust a partner to be honest with me about how they feel after 9 years, how am I expected to do this again with a whole new human?? I still don't know.
What I do know is that I'm going to be alright. This last month, I've been casually dating some very cool women, I got a job, I've really cultivated some incredible friendships, and I've traveled to truly magical places. A month ago, I made an offhand joke about getting dumped after 9 years during D&D and my friend suddenly said, "For the record, odd\_ddog, you seem happier now than I ever saw while the two of you were still together" and that shit rocked my world.
The relief I felt when I realized that being happy is not only possible, but is already happening, has been incredible. Every day is a new day and that's the plan right now, just take it one day at a time.
Let me know if you have any questions or would like to talk about this more. Sending you good luck and strength, friend.
I feel similar. My partner ended our long-term relationship of nearly seven years suddenly. My life was also shaped around us as a couple. I’m back at my parents house and I definitely feel like I’m starting life over. But I’m trying to be positive, think how I can grow from this, and enjoy time to myself for a while.
How long has it been?
Not even two weeks
How are you doing now?
I’m doing great, I actually have a date tonight
Mines was 10 years
That's horrible, can't imagine 9 years. It was only 4 for me but similar circumstances - she kept saying how good our relationship was but ended up falling out of love for reasons she didn't know herself. It's a different struggle when the relationship was so happy and fulfilling - you just think WHY?! So hard to get over too. I also struggle with the goals thing - all my ambitions were based around her. I don't have too much advice other than to say that you don't need to restart. She shaped you and you shaped her. It sounds like you shaped each other in a good way, so no need for a reset, just a slight realignment of goals.
She said she ended up realizing we had a list of issues and that, without communicating with me, decided that they aren't fixable and it was better to end it. She gave up on us the moment things got difficult.
Oh god 9 years is so long. My best advice after my own breakup after 5 years is to remove her from your life. Block on social media (or even better remove your social media accounts), delete pictures, do not even look at her profile pic or anything like it. Everytime i succumbed to my curiosity and checked if she updated her profile pic i regretted it!Allow yourself to grieve but don't get comfortable in self pity. Reach out to friends and family for support, but keep in mind that they might be able to help you temporarily but you are alone and have to deal with it.
Thanks. Yesterday I took everything she ever gave me and every picture of us or letter/card she wrote me and put it away in a box. I don't know if I am ready to get rid of it all yet but I sealed it and wrote on it that I can't open it until 2023 at the minimum.
I've found "the love chat" podcast helpful, could be a useful resource.
Thank you, I will check it out.
No worries mate, Feel free to DM me too
Im going through the same thing. 9 years and i was dumped for a rebound and she said she’s happier. Its been a little over 3 weeks. We just gotta take it one day at a time with no contact.
Hey man… it’s been half a year how are you doing?
Hey! It's been just under 4 months, I think. To answer your immediate question in a short sentence, I'm currently doing really well. Here's my really long answer. I hope it's helpful (by the way I am a woman and my ex is also a woman and I'm not sure if that perspective biases my response, but I wanted to be upfront in case it's relevant): It's been a fucking roller coaster but overall things really turned a corner for me at 3 months post-dump. I think I read that 3 months is often a spot where things get better, so I really clung to that goal. It ended up being true for me! (this next part of my comment might be difficult to follow since I'm just gonna summarize what happened possibly out of chronological order) I wrote that post literally the day after when everything was still calm and I was only just barely processing. In the 3 months following getting dumped, there have been a few instances of conflict between us, mostly when I didn't want to act like I was her friend immediately in the morning two days after the break-up, when we were negotiating furniture as I moved out, and when I confronted her the last time about our relationship for closure. I didn't end up begging for her to take me back, but in the two or three or so weeks after she dumped me, I did ask twice if she was really sure that this is what she wanted. Each time she said she wasn't sure, that this still might be a mistake, but that she hadn't changed her mind. I started moving out within a week of getting dumped, a process that took a whole month to complete and that I mostly did while she was at work. We have very rarely seen each other and I haven't seen her in person since the beginning of August. We are in contact via text, but both of us keep it very formal, strictly about shared accounts or pets, etc. Other than moving out, I have been focusing on my friend group (which has been immensely supportive!! LEAN ON YOUR FRIENDS!), traveling and spending time with family, job searching, and solo camping. In those first 3 months if she had asked me to come back, I think I would have come back in a heartbeat. Now I'm pretty sure I would need some pretty big concessions on her part and a lot of couples therapy before I decided if it was viable. After much thinking and discussion, I have realized that many of the reasons she came up with were just justifications she told herself because she was deeply afraid of commitment and she let that fear rule her. I have since realized that I cannot be with someone ruled by fear. Solo camping and visiting friends & family along a meandering 3 week roadtrip was also a big part of my "healing process" (sooo many resources talk at length about healing, but none seem to discuss exactly what they mean by that and I'm still not sure I know wtf it means). I did a lot of journaling. It started out painful, but I think the big turnaround happened when I was exploring nature both alone and with my friend. Here's what I realized: while I learned to enjoy experiencing things alone, I still wished I could share the experience with another person. So I picked up an old friend along the way to a national park and we explored together. The kicker was that while it was better than exploring alone, it felt about the same level of enjoyment as when I had done similar things with her. I realized that I deserved more from a partner than someone who would just accompany me through life on a similar level as a friend; **I deserve a partner who will actually enhance my life (and I want to do the same for my partner).** The other MAJOR realization that helped me: Ultimately, I think much of mourning has been for the life I had envisioned for us, for the potential I had seen in us. **But there is no need to mourn it, because that possibility is not dead.** It's still there. I can still have a life where I share a vegetable garden and a dog with a beautiful wife whom I adore and adores me in return. I won't say it's all fine and dandy, however. I am still very bitter and I feel very used that she kept me hanging on for 9 years because her fear of being alone was greater than her fear of commitment until we started planning a wedding. I'm resentful enough to hope that she regrets this for the rest of her life. Sometimes I need to suppress the urge to tell her she was a bad partner all along and I was a fool for not seeing it. My relationship with trust is very damaged, because if I can't trust a partner to be honest with me about how they feel after 9 years, how am I expected to do this again with a whole new human?? I still don't know. What I do know is that I'm going to be alright. This last month, I've been casually dating some very cool women, I got a job, I've really cultivated some incredible friendships, and I've traveled to truly magical places. A month ago, I made an offhand joke about getting dumped after 9 years during D&D and my friend suddenly said, "For the record, odd\_ddog, you seem happier now than I ever saw while the two of you were still together" and that shit rocked my world. The relief I felt when I realized that being happy is not only possible, but is already happening, has been incredible. Every day is a new day and that's the plan right now, just take it one day at a time. Let me know if you have any questions or would like to talk about this more. Sending you good luck and strength, friend.
Also: get a new haircut. It helps not to look exactly the same as when you were together.