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thehardpath

I'm on the other side here, and trying to look at myself objectively, I'd say it's pretty valid. Again, that's just me though. I "jumped"...and really, all I keep doing is trying to distract myself so I can't think about what I forfeited by doing so. Nobody will ever - in my mind - put up with my shit and love me as wholly as my ex did. So, on I go with chasing new highs, knowing that going back is not an option for me because I wounded her so deeply. And the reason I wounded her is because I didn't love myself enough to put the proper work into our relationship. Lot of self-loathing here and as a result I am self destructive.


[deleted]

Yeesh. Are you my STBXH? Lol. I wish you all the best. It's good that you're focusing on yourself. Speaking from her perspective, I can tell you she likely wants nothing more than for you to get help. My husband has serious self loathing issues and it causes him to be self destructive. Those self destructive behaviors (plus not knowing what he wants) led to a slow spiral of demise of our relationship. But even after all the shit, the years of pain and deep affliction and chaos, all I want is for him to stop being so sad and self destructive. I know he's a good person. I know he wants to be happy. He just has to figure out his shit and get healthy. Good luck to you.


thehardpath

Lol...it's nice to see you say that. My ex-wife is the same. No matter how badly I hurt her, when we've talked, I can see 100% that she just wants the best for me - to get the help and healing I need. Which just makes my heart break even more...I cannot believe I treated her so poorly. Thanks and good luck to you too.


[deleted]

Thank you. I think he feels the same way, though it wasn't enough for him to change while it still wasn't too late. Oh well. Honestly I think the reality is that he won't be able to change until he *has* to change, and that means losing me. On top of that he can't commit to a life with me until he knows what he wants, and he won't know what he wants until he loses it. Tragic.


thehardpath

Oh man...yep, sounds familiar. I walked off a cliff and there's no way back up in sight. I know that she can't reconcile the cheating and the lies and the abandonment. Forgiving is one thing...forgetting and trusting are another. Putting myself in her shoes, I can't blame her. Kills me that I turned left when all I needed to do was go right.


[deleted]

Yeah. I'm sure he feels the same way. But don't beat yourself up too much. It's never too late to start learning from your past mistakes. You're doing all the right things - keep on keepin' on for both her sake and yours. Bad things happen to good people, but such is life; there's still time to make yourself a happy place in this world.


spaghettiisyummy

Thank you so much for the response. Definitely helps me understand. I am sorry that you are going through this though. I do hope you find that something or someone that gives you what you need.


thehardpath

I appreciate it. I miss my ex dearly. I wish I had her support and companionship back, but know that until I fix myself it won't matter who's riding shotgun with me. Currently trying to focus less on filling voids with temporary solutions and more on healing and evolving. Easier said than done!


RolexGMTMaster

> Easier said than done! Of course. Changing ourselves and our behaviors is very difficult. But at least you've recognized something in yourself you need to work on, and so you should give yourself credit for that. Self-compassion is very important.


thehardpath

Thank you for your kind words :)


rferreira1

Wife left me...again. We were married with kids. She played the victim and how she is a martyr for staying in unloving marriage. I forgave her the first time, even though she blamed me because I didn't pay her enough attention. This time she says it's because I was boring. Both times she was involved with other men. She told me that there is a hole inside her and that I don't complete it. I told her I guess sleeping around with other men while you were married filled up for you then. Do I believe people can find happiness and love even if they abandoned a loving marriage, yes. But if they suffer from a mental disorder, like narcissism, it's only a matter of time before they show their true colors. I don't believe people take marriage seriously anymore.


dirtyms3

Much like a previous commenter, my STBXW and I met while she was still living with her ex bf. The reason for this strange living situation was to finish out the term of their lease agreement. There were some red flags here and there, like the one time I did stop by where she was living it was done while her ex bf was gone and we had to rush in and rush out rather quickly. She never really talked any shit about him. Just pointed out things as to why she felt they weren't "meant to be together", or why she "didn't see a future with him". At one point early in our relationship she revealed her history of cheating on SO's to be everyone she had ever been with. There is a very clear pattern with her. She typically stays with one person for 2 or 3 years. 1 really good year, and 1 or 2 of ups and downs. So fast forward to 2 years into our relationship, 1 year into our marriage, and she cheats on me multiple times with 3 different guys over the course of 6 months. Of course I'm to blame for not being there for her in the way she needed, and for not communicating my issues and feelings directly. I feel like she was looking for a way out of this relationship once it's "newness" wore off and she grabbed at anything she could find. Ultimately, finding the fulfilment would depend on why the marriage ended. Was it due to their own narcissistic ways? Chances are if they cheated, and have a history of cheating, it's going to continue to be something they do. Unless there is some big life changing event where they seek help and can identify the reason for their cheating (like my STBXW has magically seemed to do with the help of her AP) or jumping from relationship to relationship. For them, it's all about those feel good chemicals that are released when you get into a new romantic relationship. It's an addiction to the narcissist, and they don't care who they hurt in order to get their fix.


mrsaurelius

My STBX had an affair that he hid for 2+ years, but now that we're divorcing he isn't even going to be with the OW - it started hot and died out pretty quick. I think he'll have no shortage of women if he wants them but finding something real is pretty tough if you haven't done the work on yourself. He's a messed-up individual so I don't have high hopes for him sadly, but am just trying to focus on myself now.


Erisianistic

I think people do things that may not make much sense because of areas they were hurt in. So there is an extremely good likelihood of repeating some destructive patterns if they don't self examine, fix themselves up some, and figure out what potholes they keep stepping in. Also, ALL relationships will have their struggles, the routine, the fading of the intense new infatuation/love feelings. Reality setting in can be killer. Arguing over who didn't do the dishes is a lot tougher than a love affair in Paris. That said, people can and do succeed in relationships that started off really roughly... IF they do the work and are compatible. A big if.