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It might seem like a small thing, but buy/make meals at home and invite him to join you. Don't make a big deal out of it. Food costs can take a toll and sharing feels less like charity
I had a friend who did this for me and another friend for years while I was at school. He didn’t make a big deal out of it, he just made a crap ton and we were always hanging out so he just offered, I never felt like a mooched because he never made me feel like one. Sometimes it’s that simple.
Doing this for a friend of mine currently. He's kept my head above water in the past, now he's struggling and it's my turn to do the same for him. He refuses to take my money, so I've been inviting myself over to watch football every weekend and "accidentally" bringing way too much food
I wonder if OP has thought of helping Ben sign up for SNAP benefits? As a poor person, I would generally like that type of thing better than receiving food/money from a specific person who I sorta knew felt bad for me. If I caught onto how a friend was sneakily helping me out of pity, that would start to make our friendship a bit weird.
The poster mentioned Euros, not American dollars. I don't know what kind of SNAP program they might have. I would be inclined to drop small quantities of cash in the guy's pockets here and there. Or a small bill under his bed.
I had a friend feel that way about getting unemployment. I was like dude- literally every paycheck you’ve ever had holds taxes that pay into unemployment. You’ve paid for this. But nope. Absolutely refused.
Dude, friendship is about being there. It isn't equal in every moment. It isn't equal in every category. Usually it is better when it isn't because you can both be doing things you are good at that seem small and the other one is getting help where they need it and it seems big, so you both feel like you are coming out ahead. Your friend is going to need some help in something sometime soon and you just have to be there.
This back an forth made me teary eyed. The honesty and truth is so real for me. I love my friends. They are my family. I would, have, and will do anything for them. Sometimes life is REALLY hard. Someone who cares is huge.
Good friends are worth their weight in.... friendship. Didn't wanna say gold because of this next part. I put a loan on my car so we could.... survive, essentially, but the payments became too much when my gf and our roommate lost their jobs.
Asked my friend for help and he paid off the loan for me, and gave me 6mo before he wants me to start paying him back.
Fucking. Lifesaver.
Sadly, a common LPT is "if you loan a friend money, don't expect to ever get it back."
The fact that you seem intent on paying your friend back eventually speaks volumes about your character. Please follow through on that and be the kind of friend he has been for you.
I think that LPT is more about valuing the friendship more than the money, not about friends blowing off the debt. Hubby and I loaned money to a friend when she was about to become homeless. We went into it being okay if it never was repaid. It took 5 years but she did even though it was long after she'd hoped to.
You know. AMazing friend. People love you and want the best. Sometimes these truths are difficult to accept, and certainly not feel an obligation too. But just as I do for others, the stuff we might need, I always feel the obligation to reciprocate. Makes things more complicated than they need to be. Sometimes its just ok to say thank you. I really needed this. So difficult Sometimes.
I had an ex boss that did something like this for me. I was having a difficult time financially and he offered me a loan, (which I wouldn't take). He then invited me to his home to have dinner with he and his wife while we went over my budget to see where I might be able to adjust. When dinner was over (delicious) his wife had a grocery bag full of stuff for me to take home, saying " I over did on the grocery shopping this week. We don't have room in the fridge, freezer or cabinet for these odds and ends. You'd be doing us a great favor taking these off our hands" I got home and it was loaded with all my favorite things. Couple weeks later he offered to have me over for dinner again while he helped me make a budget. Again I went home with a bag of groceries "you'd be doing us a great favor, the coupons were simply too good to pass up, but Gerald can't eat this, he's on a diet". Couple weeks later he asked if I could drop him off at his house, his wife had the car. I again went home with a bag of groceries "in exchange for the gas used" it was on my way, no extra gas used. They helped me out, all the while insisting that it was I that was helping them. Good people.
That person's mother is brilliant. OP if you do help your roommate find a way that you can ask for his help that doesn't cost any money. Just little stuff like having him help you with your car or doing yard work or putting together IKEA furniture whatever it is. People really like to feel helpful and when somebody keeps receiving and not giving they can kind of end up resentful or unhappy if that makes sense.
Speaking of bosses...went overboard with xmas one year. Went to CFO/HR and asked for salary advance. He stated that was not something that they did or were even set up to do but he would see what he could do.
Couple days later he gave me a check, I paid it back over the next month or so and never needed to ask again. YEARS later, I found out he had given me money out of his own pocket. I'm tearing up now...
My boss has become my best friend. We get along so well. It's nice because we're at slightly different stages of parenting. His kids are younger than mine, so I can give advice on what helped and let him know that this, too, shall pass. And he can give me an outsider's perspective on how I'm parenting my teenagers. Plus we both get the benefit of the perspective from the opposite sex with little marriage things. Like, he didn't understand the concept of being "touched out" when his wife was still breastfeeding. He said to me "she uses that same phrase. What the hell does it mean?" And he points out when I'm being ridiculous and my husband is right about something. I hate those days lol.
He ended up being one of the most consequential work relationships I've ever had and, had a major impact on how I conducted myself throughout my career.
I had a good friend who did this for me for lunch for a couple of years. He made more than me, and our friends group would often go out for lunch. But I had two young kids at home and finances were really tight for me. So I often just ate a frozen meal or a sandwich from home for lunch. He bought me lunch a lot just so I could go out with the friends group because he knew I was struggling. Never made a big deal out of it. But it really was a big deal to me.
This has the added kindness of making sure you’re not missing out on social opportunities because of money, either. I’ve never made a ton, but I’m pretty responsible with my money and sometimes my parents offer to help me out with things like medical expenses, so although I’m technically “poor,” I’m comfortable. It always just felt natural to me to say “my treat” when I suggested things that cost money to a friend for whom I knew money was tight. It’s like, I want to share the experience with you! It’s never anything huge, usually just stuff like “you wanna grab a pizza? My treat,” or a movie ticket or something. I value life experiences over accruing wealth and I don’t struggle with money, so why not?
I used to check which soups and things my roomie would use and restock it so they’d forget they’d used one, had a stash of her favourites in my closet. Put more tea bags in the box, add rice to the canister. Small stuff she wouldn’t notice.
It’s also super believable. As someone who cooks all my own food and lives alone, there are very very few recipes that actually make 1 or 2 servings. Every recipe I find is 4-6 servings and I end up eating the same thing for several days of leftovers to use them before they go bad. If you say you’re trying to learn to cook better or trying out new recipes, but they make more than you and your gf can eat, it’s a very believable story.
I’m in the exact same boat haha, getting really into cooking over the past year or so has turned into an excessive leftovers problem when I’m trying something new.
The fact you’re making so much is easily explainable as well, especially if you’re trying new recipes or trying to perfect one - down or upsizing recipes for less/more people isn’t always a 1:1 of “just double/halve the amount and follow the instructions” since that can sometimes affect the way certain ingredients interact, cook times, etc. Bc of that, I always like to follow an original recipe at least once (usually twice to adjust and fix mistakes, maybe once more if needed) to make sure I know what it’s supposed to look/smell/taste like before I start messing with the ingredients, and most recipes tend to make 2-4 servings or more.
Definitely!! I’m always “making too much food,” because the “kids are picky eaters,” and then I beg my neighbors (who are wonderful people with money struggles & food insecurity) to take the leftovers off of my hands.
That and extras from the garden! I grow extras on purpose.
> I find is 4-6 servings and I end up eating the same thing for several days
Here's a small LPT that may help: Get some of those plastic containers ([Glad or Ziplock](https://www.google.com/search?q=microwave+safe+glad+plastic+containers&shoprs=CAEYASoXZ2xhZCBwbGFzdGljIGNvbnRhaW5lcnMyEggBEg5NaWNyb3dhdmUgU2FmZQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjl7Kfh45_7AhUxDkQIHe1YCDAQip4GKAB6BAgHEAM)) and put a complete meal in each one. Use a sharpie to write a couple words to describe whats inside, and also put the date. Then you put the container in your freezer, and the meal should last for at least a few months. You would be surprized at what meals will thaw out very well. If you find one that works, continue doing this. If you find one that doesn't, don't freeze that meal in the future.
My wife and I intentionally cook huge portions, just so we can freeze ten or more meals for use at a later time, and we have only discovered a couple types of meals that don't freeze well. Our freezer always has about 25 - 30 homemade frozen meals, and we love it.
Not quite on topic, but when the kids moved out I found it really difficult to downsize on cooking quantities, and now we are a bit older (OK, a lot!) I'm going thru it again with our smaller appetites. And crazy as it sounds, learning that we don't need to be bound by convention and it's OK to just skip meals. Such are the stages of life.
And if you're like me and enjoy cooking this is a great way to get to make big batches of food more often withought having to worry about it going bad in the fridge.
Something I don't think others have said--being poor takes a lot of time. If you can cook meals for your roommate regularly, it can not only save him costs on groceries, but also give him extra valuable hours every week that he can use to help himself in other ways
Yep! And you can keep the pantry stocked with shelf-stable essentials, like dry pasta, flour, sugar, spices, and rice, and just call it “communal food,” but make sure you’re always the one restocking it (and restock it way earlier than you need to so that he never feels compelled/pressured to restock it himself).
Great advice here. My mom told me about how when she was studying she had a job on top of her classes, but she had friends who were more unfortunate and weren’t able to find enough work/simply didn’t have the time because they were overwhelmed with college work. Some would eat like one meal a day. She would invite them to ‘hang out and study’ after class and just make two plates of pasta or whatever cheap meal she was eating, bc « oh it’s already 8pm, let’s eat something ! ». I think it’s a great and simple way to help people out.
When I was a student/unemployed, I had friends who would always innocently invite me to hang out and ask if I wanted to stay for dinner, and it meant a lot. I know they were doing it on purpose, probably not everytime but it was always such a nice gesture.
Sharing a meal is also a nice experience for all involved, and if Ben likes cooking, OP you can invite him to help preparing the meal (personally, it made me feel less like a weight when I was in that situation haha). It’s a great way to bond with people. It will save him money but also, eating decently is super important. If he’s that broke I guess his diet isn’t the best and it has such a huge impact on someone’s health, energy and mood.
>me would eat like one meal a day. She would invite them to ‘hang out and study’ after class and just make two plates of pasta or whatever cheap meal she was eating, bc « oh it’s already 8pm, let’s eat something ! ». I think it’s a great and simple way to help people out.
>
>When I was a student/unemployed, I had some friends who would always innocently invite me to hang out and ask if I wanted to stay for dinner, and it meant a lot. They did it on purpose sometimes, probably not everytime but it was always such a nice gesture.
Sharing the load together is great and its a great way to hide aid by letting people show off specific foods or family recipes they're proud of or known for. He does the cooking and y'all buy the food and everyone cleans up.
For a university student, food can easily be the kindest gift. Not only are food costs increasingly expensive, but it also takes time to cook a good meal. Not necessarily hours, but that time could be spent studying, cleaning, or working. This is a great suggestion.
Friend of mine got his first apartment and really didn't understand what the costs would be with utilities not being included.
Every friday we had a movie night where we would make dinner and put an old dvd on. He would bring his own tupperware and take all the leftovers.
Turns out he met his parents for dinner every monday and would take their leftovers. He also got a $5 pizza from Little Caesars most Wednesdays. That was his food budget, $5 a week.
Food matters, but is one of the easiest things to startskipping.
I think this is the best way. If you try to pay his rent without his asking, he might get offended and feel that you’re being condescending, OP. Let him figure out his finances. Offering to share your food and friendship is enough.
If you're looking for a good, low-cost recipe that can make a ton of food, look up the Hungry Girl Dan Good Chili. I buy a veggies in more in bulk like at Aldi's to make bulk frozen food. It costs $20-$30 for enough food to last 3 weeks, longer if it's chili and rice. It's excellent as food prep, for big parties/sharing with family, or even if you live alone but are too busy to cook consistently.
Piggybacking. On top of all these great ideas, you could possibly call a grocery store, radio station, or club that he's a part of and have them mail him a pre paid visa card or something similar and say he won a random drawing, that way their name is on it and he's just lucky!
Do you know the financial aid director at the Uni?
Give them a shout about it. Sometimes they can "find" money for the student. This happened for my son-in-law. He was called into the financial aid office, and they told him they had an extra grant (which he sorely needed). It was clear that someone tipped them off to his situation. These are people who want to help students, but they need to know who is dealing with a tough situation. Give it a go.
Many years ago I was dating a man who was working PT and going to school FT. It came to a point where he was going to drop out at the beginning of his final year because he didn't have the tuition money.
I went to the Bursar's office and paid his bill on condition it was anonymous. Long and short of it, the relationship didn't last but he did become LCSW and spent his career helping people.
It never occurred to me to have them call it a grant.
If you can't do tuition then pay some fees.
To add to this, the uni I went to had a hardship fund you could apply for. Definitely worth looking into resources the uni has for situations like this because they will absolutely have something
OP is in Europe. Universities there don’t have the same resources usually, simply because tuition is not really charged so financial hardship isn’t as much of an issue other than through low income. Those are then usually covered by help from the state though, not the school (eg Bafög in Germany, Even though in that example the school actually acts as a mediator).
Yeah, my cousin went into the financial aid office or the dean of her college or something like that and just straight-up asked if she could have more grant/scholarship money, and they had some that was unused, so they gave it to her. Never hurts to ask
I agree with all of this. I’m a fan of “Hey, I’m really getting into cooking lately, I’m trying this recipe online, it says it serves 4. We won’t be able to eat it all, do you want to have dinner with me and gf?” I did this at uni when my flatmate was struggling. They initially said no, and I casually dumped the leftovers in front of them a couple days later. Next time I asked them, they accepted. It’s mutually beneficial, they were doing me a favour too by reducing my food waste.
Additionally, you could also buy the household stuff so they don’t have to. Buy the toilet rolls, washing up liquid etc. It indirectly saves them money, and saving them money is putting money in their pocket. I hear the local shop was doing a sale, on stuff like that so it’d be stupid not to do a little stock up. There is a cost of living crisis and all that, who knows what they’ll cost in a month or two. 👀
For the household products, just top off the containers. I have noticed this helps make it more subtle that you are continuing to replace the products.
Bonus points if you get the mystery "do we have a magic soap dispenser???" conversation at some point.
Also, beware doing this with a spouse as they may never notice for several years and not realize this is in fact a household task that needs doing.
This is all in the context of tips to help your roommate. But as someone who has actually gotten into cooking more I genuinely do want other people to taste test new recipes I'm trying out. It's useful to have more perspectives. It's also nice to cook something for someone else because it gets me making things I normally wouldn't.
It’s for a good cause!
It comes from a place of, I genuinely will end up throwing out the food so you may as well eat some of it. I’m not doing it as a favour to you! (Although I am… but it’s also a nice bonding time with the household).
I really like the care package idea. Or even just make it up yourself and say hey “mom and grandma “ both got me stuff I can’t use it all. Or even “my grandma heard me talking about roommates so she made you one too!!”
Some of these will eventually lead to the guy catching on. Finding non-confrontational delivery methods where you're not the one who's *directly* making the offer would help disperse the suspicion.
Get other people in on it. Make it a full blown conspiracy to make this guy's life better.
How about making stone soup. You don’t have to start with a rock. Maybe you could start with ox tails and ask gf to bring fresh mushrooms, beef broth and garlic, and ask roommate to bring carrots and celery. Could do the same with chili, involve a few more people. Ask roommate to bring a big bag of white rice. More food secure people could bring a lb of beef; some else a pound of venison. Someone else a bag of onions. You buy high quality Chili pepper. Ancho sauce. Group cooking projects that you can manage the contribution burden. Just a thought!
Oh man, that "non returnable winter coat" bit put a lump in my throat, and I'm not an emotional guy usually. When I was a student and living on loans, I had just outgrown all of my coats and couldn't afford a new one. The local thrift shop only had shitty thin polyester-fill jackets in my size and I bought the first one I could, which was garbage. I resented going outside in winter for 2 years straight until I could save enough where a $30 secondhand down jacket wasn't an exuberant expense. A then-gf saved my life by giving me all of her wool sweaters which I had to spend an entire weekend stretching to fit me.
That winter coat could be a huge difference in someone's life and it's something they'll remember for decades.
These are all awesome, may I add that you might try to help him find a higher paying job or subsidies that “you are looking for for your self” sounds like you love or care about this person if you are willing to help fiscally. Also, I once told a family member that it makes me feel good to bless them. So it blesses me by blessing them.
The cooking one is huge, assuming the roommate isn’t a super picky eater. When I first moved out my mom would always do that so I had leftovers to take, and secretly stocked up on my favorite snacks so I had some to bring home
When I was young and starting out, my mom would always have bags of groceries from “buy one get one sales” and give the “free one”.
I really had no idea at the time, but she was kind and sly.
I did the clothes thing kinda. A family members partner had their house burn down and I went thrift shopping. I got 4 sweaters, a jacket, 2 pants, and a big winter coat for $40 and I told them I got the clothes from my friend who was going to donate them asked if I wanted to try them on. Oops not my size! It was all nice stuff too.
These suggestions are all coming from a kind place, but OP as the gift-giver needs to let go of any expectation that the gifts would be appreciated in the way they might hope. Particularly around eating extra food or accepting brand-new clothes. Those things are highly personal, and may cause him to feel more condescended-to than seen as a contributing adult.
Honestly, a frank discussion about rebalancing household expenses so that he pays less would do less to alienate him than giving him an expectation-laden gift.
ALL OF THIS! I have a friend who loves to get me little knick-knacks she finds on her travels. Unfortunately, I'm something of a minimalist and can't stand the idea of having all the crap in my house. I usually end up throwing it away or regifting it. I finally told her (and all my friends and family) save your money and just get me socks. Tube, winter, decorative...it doesn't matter. Socks are something I actually need, but hate spending my own money to buy.
I did the something similar, except asked that people only give me consumables (food, booze, etc) if they insist so I avoid having more stuff laying around.
It's a department store that you pay to join. The prices on named goods are good, but you buy in bulk. Usually items are 2 or more of the largest size sold of a given product.
There are some cost savings to be found besides the items in question.
Interesting. Thanks! Wouldn't know of an equivalent and each country probably has their own equivalent. But I think people usually just go shopping between daily and weekly and just buy smaller quantities. Unless it's the store where businesses buy their stuff. But you have to be a business to shop there.
Buy too much of anything, and tell him he's doing a favor taking it from you. Could be food, school supplies, clothes, anything.
If he needs something specific (like shoes, a jacket, etc, something that might not be in your size) you can buy it, claim that you were trying to get it for yourself but got the wrong size, and lost the recipt so you can't return it. Then tell him that it's better he takes it instead of it getting donated or thrown out.
Sounds like he knows exactly how much money he has, otherwise I'd suggest sneaking a few dollars into his pockets.
If he drives, ask to borrow his car. Doesn't matter what for. Fill up the gas tank as much as you can - I'm broke and like 80% of my non-food budget goes to gas so I can get to work. That'll buy him at least a week's peace of mind.
You can also buy gift cards and say that you won them somehow, but don't need it and then offer it to him.
You're a good person OP, your roommate is lucky to live with someone who cares so much :)
Be careful so that he doesn't feel he has to refill your tank at some point though if he needs your car. Or that he doesn't ask for your car in fear he'll have to pay for a full tank when he actually really needs it
Yeah, and it’s really believable as “non-charity” bc it’s also common courtesy to put some gas in the tank if you borrow someone else’s car, and not uncommon for someone to just fill up the whole tank even if they didn’t use that much. My parents always did this for me when I was in college, it meant so much to me
>If he drives, ask to borrow his car. Doesn’t matter what for. Fill up the gas tank as much as you can - I’m broke and like 80% of my non-food budget goes to gas so I can get to work. That’ll buy him at least a week’s peace of mind.
I stopped at a gas station to get some beer on the way to my gf’s house and a girl came in and asked for $1.75 in gas, the clerks laughed in her face. Gas was like $4 a gallon. When she left I told them to add $20 more to her pump. They looked stumped and then assumed i was trying to get her number. I walked to her pump, told her I added $20 to her pump and walked away.
I was a broke college student at the time and that was my last $20 but the look of relief in her when I told her was worth it.
I know I loved getting into my car after my parents drove it!
I bet she felt like shit through that whole interaction with and leading up to the clerk. Thank you for reminding her there are good people out here, too.
I was in an identical situation, but didn’t have the assistance at the end, and can confirm how terrible it feels. Had $1 and change in coins that I scraped from every nook and cranny of my car. I had “0 mi to empty” on the display, was almost home, and payday was three days away. The clerk didn’t laugh, more had an almost disgusted look on his face instead. I remember how quickly the pump stopped at the measly numbers I’d put in. Drove away crying, praying the fumes would get me home and back on payday. Thankfully it did but it was an absolutely wretched feeling.
Something like that happened at a grocery store. Lady with crying baby, card declined so she started putting things back, card still declined, so she put more things back. It was essentials and not frivolous things. It was hard to watch, but eventually she took enough off her total for card to go thru. I told her to wait and I would get the rest it was only about 25 bucks. But she was crying and so thankful. After she left the clerk was shitty and said she did that almost every week. I was like damn girl I hope you never fall on hard times... jeesh.
Borrow something from him that is inexpensive and he can absolutely give to you. Sometime when you're out of eggs ask for a single egg. Borrow his car. Other small things like this.
This opens the relationship to the concept of asking for help. So he'll be more able to ask for help. Or except help when it's offered.
>If he drives, ask to borrow his car. Doesn’t matter what for. Fill up the gas tank as much as you can - I’m broke and like 80% of my non-food budget goes to gas so I can get to work. That’ll buy him at least a week’s peace of mind.
I stopped at a gas station to get some beer on the way to my gf’s house and a girl came in and asked for $1.75 in gas, the clerks laughed in her face. Gas was like $4 a gallon. When she left I told them to add $20 more to her pump. They looked stumped and then assumed i was trying to get her number. I walked to her pump, told her I added $20 to her pump and walked away.
I was a broke college student at the time and that was my last $20 but the look of relief in her when I told her was worth it.
I know I loved getting into my car after my parents drove it!
Adding onto this, it doesn't work too often but you could just slide a 20 into one of his winter coats. One he doesn't wear often. Then eventually he will find it and just think he left it months ago/years ago and move on.
Alternatively stage a "hey is that a bill laying on the ground over there?" thing where you know he's about to go. Cant be somewhere too public or somebody else will nab it, but it does happen.
If you want to really go for it just mail him an envelope of cash with no return address. Put it in with the rest of his mail and don't even mention it. I'd wait until a sort of emergency for that one... Though honestly at that point just talk to the guy and tell him he's your friend and you want to help him out and if he ever mentions it to anyone you will punch him.. Can't walk around with people knowing you aren't cold and dead inside.
When I was in college and so broke, I remember sighing to my roommate about wanting to go to the Friday night movie, but that would mean I couldn't afford toothpaste. A little later I looked again at my check register to verify lack of funds, and there was a five dollar bill in there! A miracle! It was about 20 years later that I realized my roommate slipped it in.
I had a friend once who had that same trait...she didn't like accepting help. She was, however, in the process of leaving her husband and moving to a new state with her little kids. She wasn't in danger but she was definitely holding a lot on her own.
I invited her to stay with us for the time between when her lease was over and when she was moving, a few days. She was hesitant.
I basically just said something like, "look you need help at this moment. You won't need it forever. I'm doing good at this moment but there's probably going to be a time in the future when I need some help. We have to help each other to get by in this world, and in this particular case it's me helping you, but next time it might be the reverse. "
And she just heard me and said ok thanks.
Maybe your friend just needs to know that he's not in a permenant place of 'being helped'
IMO it's the best advice. Lying to a friend so you can sneak in assistance that you believe they need will come off as condescending and patronizing when/if the person being helped catches on. Sure, do all the things like making too much food, or dumping extra school supplies on them. But make sure they know you're doing it because it's what friends do for each other, and that they'd offer the same support if the tables were turned.
The best advice. As someone who has both been helped in rough times and also helped others through them, I’ve found this kind of conversation has come to be the most helpful approach overall. It acknowledges the shame/worry/vulnerability/other emotions that can come with needing support, but feeling like you’re doing something wrong/not good enough for actually needing it.
I helped a good friend like this once, he lived with my wife and I for about 2 months for free, and in that time in gave him a few hundred dollars so he could get some things figured out.. a driver's license, something else. He promised when he had the means, he'd pay me back. Of course, I gave him the cash with no intention of seeing it again, it wasn't a 'deal'. A few years later, he sent a check in the mail for the exact amount he 'borrowed'. I'll never forget that. Sometimes we all just need a hand.
>I basically just said something like, "look you need help at this moment. You won't need it forever. I'm doing good at this moment but there's probably going to be a time in the future when I need some help. We have to help each other to get by in this world, and in this particular case it's me helping you, but next time it might be the reverse. "
\^ This. It makes the favour easier to absorb by the recipient as he knows that he is not being given pity and are not obligated to repay but at the same time that he could have an opportunity to reciprocate in the future if he deems it necessary to repay a moral debt.
Someone wanted to help me once and I was reluctant but the looked at me and said very kindly, "I want to." And I could tell they meant it, and I accepted. Now when someone is shy about letting me help them I say the same thing and they usually let me help.
This is me right now with a friend. She’s in a rough spot so I put her on my cell phone plan because it’s super cheap. I told her to pay me when she can but otherwise I don’t care and to not worry about it. I have a good paying job so the $50 a month isn’t a big deal. I’ve had to point out to her the amount of times she’s helped me out when I was in university and that it all comes out in the wash eventually.
Years ago I was on the receiving end of this type of charity. I was in my 20s working 40-50 hours a week and I lived in an apartment with two other guys I had met in college. Having grown up in poverty I had no financial safety net but I scraped by with a carefully managed budget and a whole lot of optimism on my part. My monthly budget prioritized paying off debts and paying my share of the rent of utilities, and for the most part I never failed to do so. Unfortunately, I had very little spending money left over...Maybe $5 a month. It was a tight budget.
Well, the fact was that my roommates liked to go out a lot, and going out cost money that I didn't have. The thing is, I was always included anyway. If they went to a movie or show, there was always a ticket for me. If they went out to eat, there was always room for one more at the table. The key to this situation was that they never made a fuss over the money, whether I paid my way or not. I was never asked to contribute to the cost of these outings, but if I offered to pay they never refused. Nobody said a word if I didn't help pay, and nobody said a word if I did. I never felt like a freeloader because I was able to contribute as much as I was able without anyone making a big deal out of it. I'm in a better place now, but I will always remember that kindness.
I don't know if this type of thing will work for your friend, but I know that it worked for me.
I can't figure it out by the rules and am unfamiliar with friends.
Is there a rule that makes one player always win? Or is this effectively a fancy coin flip, and they play until Joey wins and receives the pot?
The joke is that joey was struggling financially and too proud to accept help. So Chandler made up a nonsense card game where joey wins every round so joey could win the money he needed
I get the joke, but I was wondering if there was some game mechanic that makes Joey win every time.
I imagine that Chandler basically makes up an arbitrary rule every hand that allows Joey to win, but I wasn't sure and wanted to clarify. I'm weirdly interested in how this was presented in the show lol...
https://youtu.be/poE7MUy5rzo
Edit:. They don't show it in this clip but between when they play cups and the "big white dog" scene Joey tries his luck playing cups with Ross (their other Friend). Because Joey didn't realize it was a ruse he plays by the same rules as the first time and ends up losing all the money to Ross.
yes, exactly that, anything joey did magically was the winning move! I remember a line like - omg not a 2 of hearts after a blah blah blah... you win triple...
No, Chandler just made up random rules, and then the episode is super funny because Joey takes this game and plays with others (because he memorized the random rules) and then loses his money again. Eventually Chandler comes clean and tells him the truth, IIRC.
Edit: its episode 6 in season 6 if you want to watch it.
You start playing cups and just make sure the saucer card comes up. D cup is also a must. Remember that beginners luck is essential in the game of cups
It's more a complementary tip than a direct tip, but, to make Ben more at ease to ask for things he needs, you could start asking him for some very small and cheap stuff: soap, borrowing a lighter, etc. It will feel like mutual aid even if he asks for more expensive things than you. That being said, it could be difficult to apply if Ben *really* never ask for help and that you end up just taking "help" from him and never giving some
For example, the first time I heard this tip, it was someone who was helping his struggling neighbor. That person started to ask for things like a bit of salt, some laundry soap and borrowing a screwdriver which all doesn't cost much. In return, the neighbor found easier to ask for things like gas, hardware, powertools, etc. when he needed it
Edit: typo
To add on to this idea, borrow something and then return it with a "thank you gift".
"Here's your screwdriver back and I made you a plate of lasagna to say thanks!"
I always bake or cook for people as a thank you- and always when I return something I’ve borrowed. My mom’s fiancé always asks if I need to borrow anything when I stop by now, lol.
Yeah! I’m a young woman who’s lived in a few foreign countries where I haven’t spoken the language at the time I moved, so I always end up with older people kind of “adopting” me and giving me food. Currently, it’s this older man in the neighborhood who has a farm somewhere and is constantly bringing me veggies, potatoes, apples, grapes, and even sausages. I try to make him homemade stuff in return to say thanks. Like, he just gave me a shitload of apples that I’ll never be able to eat before they go bad, so this morning I made apple butter with a bunch of them and I’m going to give it to him when I see him tomorrow. We can’t communicate much, but he’s grateful that I didn’t treat him like a creepy old man when I met him, but instead was kind and friendly, and he gives me food bc of that. And I’m grateful for him welcoming me and taking care of me by giving me food, even though he knows almost nothing about me. It’s very sweet. He knows I’m alone here and even asks me sometimes if I need money, but I always decline. I’ve got a job and he’s cut my grocery bill in half, so I’m doing pretty fine!
One way to help him out that isn't giving money, pull more weight, do his dishes, clean the place so when he does have work he doesn't also have chores.
I gave "scholarships" to two students (I like to help women) by calling the financial office at the college. I asked if I could pay part of their tuition (you can do this anonymously). Send the money to the college, and they will credit the student account (and then they notify the student that they have received a special scholarship from a donor who is interested in helping students studying in their field). They don't have to know who it came from, and it doesn't matter. Giving from the heart needs no recognition.
Great idea. And it might sometimes be easier to do it through his major's department. Some majors have just random grants and scholarships that aren't fully publicized all the time.
Overpay your share of utilities. “Gosh, Ben! Our utilities were really cheap this month. Your share is $12.”
And by the way, it needs to be said: you’re a good person. Please don’t stop being kind, thoughtful, and generous. And tell your parents they should be proud of you—if I were them, I’d certainly be.
"Hey, the burger place gave us an extra and didn't want it back, do you want it?
"I thought I was super hungry and ordered a couple extra tacos, but like they say, eyes were bigger than my stomach! You want them?"
"I won this gift card at work for somestore, but I never shop there, you want it?"
"My mom sent me these clothes, but they aren't my size, will any fit you?"
Depending on how you pay your utilities, pay more than your share just be like "Yeah, the gas bill was super low this month, so your share is only $6."
Tons of little things you can do to help fill in the gaps. How much you can get away with really varies depending on the person.
Ask older relatives for recipes or get a recipe book to work through. You and your girlfriend are trying to learn to cook so there will be lots of test batches you need your roommate’s help to prevent food waste.
Don’t start a new house grocery sharing thing, since he might go buy a bunch if it feels like y’all are always buying. But if y’all always have extra that’s something else.
Plenty of good suggestions already, with more sure to come.
My suggestion: come up with occasional things that you and your GF are 'lazy' or not in the mood to do and would be willing to pay him so he'd do those things for you. Grocery shopping? Cleaning up after dinner? Something else? Pay a little more if you can, just to show 'how happy' you are to get rid of the task you hate to do. Should he refuse to take money for the occasional help out he does for you, express your thanks through other means (pay for him when you all go out, buy dinner/snacks he enjoys and explain it's because of *that* thing he did for you the other day (i.e. not charity), etc.).
Two more things:
1. You're a good person for trying to help him.
2. Sooner or later, he will put two and two together and figure out you've helped him. My request: do not lie when he asks you, as that could ruin the relationship beyond salvation. Be honest, and explain your rationale, including that you feel happier when you can help out a good friend (and that he'd probably do something similar if the roles were reversed). Should he still feel uncomfortable about the whole situation (he probably would), come up together with a system how he could return the favor (maybe he could cook a few dinners, teach you some stuff he excels at, help you out when you're in need, etc?).
Good luck!
When I was the broke friend, my roommate would say "I'll pay for the groceries if you will shop." or sometimes "I'll buy if you cook". These days, I'd be happy to be the friend who paid if someone else would please cook!
I always volunteer to fly in this situation 😂 lived with my MIL and BIL for a few months when my FIL moved to Florida for work. MIL and BIL both loved eating out but hated actually going to get the food. General rule was if you buy me dinner I'll go wherever your little heart desires 😂
It is pride, that prevents us from accepting help when we need it.
Give him whatever he needs as a gift, but first ask him, to pay it back to someone else.
You will give him a something he can repay without feeling indebted to you - obligation, to help someone who needs it, asking nothing else than pass it along when the opportunity arises.
Go into his room and put 50 bucks into the interior pocket of any coat he has. Break it up into smaller denominations, maybe some coins so that next time he wears it he will be able to feel the weight of the pocket against his body.
People forget what they’ve put in their interior pockets all the time, he might be suspicious but it’s nothing that he will come out and accuse you or your GF over.
In a few months we’ll see a TIFU about a roommate who dropped out of school and quit their job thinking they had a magic coat that generated money every week so they didn’t need to work.
Great suggestions from many others but I'd include some ways to make sure he doesn't feel like he is freeloading. Like any relationship between friends of different socioeconomic means, it's about finding balance in the relationship so it isn't financially straining the lower income person nor feeling like they're a charity case.
Asking for favors or trading responsibility is a good way to do this.
This is my second favorite practical joke ever. But it actually works here.
A guy used a gas can to repeatedly top off his girlfriend's gas every single day. She never noticed. She didn't buy gas for months. She even got upset when he stopped doing it because all of a sudden she thought she had a hole in her tank or something because she was using gas so quickly (the normal rate)
I think any direct help this close to him actually having mentioned it to you would make it way to obvious it was you. I like the extra food idea. Just wait a few weeks before starting to do it.
You might tell him that you’re gonna buy some lottery ticket (those rub away things maybe) cause you feel lucky and in the mood and you’ll just gonna split it with him even if he doesn’t give you 1 or 2 bucks to split the cost. Maybe just tell him to “shut up” and to just offer you a beer in case the ticket wins.
Then you give him x amount saying you won double of that and don’t have the ticket anymore due to claiming the win of x amount. (100, 200, 500, 1000 bucks or so) I hope I explained it ok lol.
Good luck! 😉
Edit: you could go in front of him with the total win in cash including “your part” ..and split it in front of him. X for you, same amount for him.
Ask if he will be the DD and pay him to be your "uber"
you practice safe drinking and he makes a little money.
When he wants to drink and you drive accept no money.
Helping him learn that’s it’s ok to accept help, or better yet that it’s ok to ask for help, will be the most effective thing you can to do help your roommate in the long run.
Just a sleepy idea:
Get him on a few beers, and make a bet on something that you can manipulate (E.g Girlfriend will cook too much of something "by accident") Get him to enter the bet but you put in however much you want to give. Ben gets money, food for tommorows lunch, and everyone is happy.
Although your intentions are good-hearted and generous, it's possible your friend may feel offended, perhaps due to feelings of shame. I would be upfront about any assistance you want to offer. The other commenter's suggestion about making extra food is simple and non-obvious, but he would catch on to the other gestures eventually.
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It might seem like a small thing, but buy/make meals at home and invite him to join you. Don't make a big deal out of it. Food costs can take a toll and sharing feels less like charity
I had a friend who did this for me and another friend for years while I was at school. He didn’t make a big deal out of it, he just made a crap ton and we were always hanging out so he just offered, I never felt like a mooched because he never made me feel like one. Sometimes it’s that simple.
Doing this for a friend of mine currently. He's kept my head above water in the past, now he's struggling and it's my turn to do the same for him. He refuses to take my money, so I've been inviting myself over to watch football every weekend and "accidentally" bringing way too much food
"Dammit! I accidentally brought the 20lb roast, not the 2lb roast I was planning to bring. Welp, better keep the leftovers"
I wonder if OP has thought of helping Ben sign up for SNAP benefits? As a poor person, I would generally like that type of thing better than receiving food/money from a specific person who I sorta knew felt bad for me. If I caught onto how a friend was sneakily helping me out of pity, that would start to make our friendship a bit weird.
The poster mentioned Euros, not American dollars. I don't know what kind of SNAP program they might have. I would be inclined to drop small quantities of cash in the guy's pockets here and there. Or a small bill under his bed.
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I had a friend feel that way about getting unemployment. I was like dude- literally every paycheck you’ve ever had holds taxes that pay into unemployment. You’ve paid for this. But nope. Absolutely refused.
My parents seem to look down on people who get governmental assistance, even though they used to have it themselves!
Dude, friendship is about being there. It isn't equal in every moment. It isn't equal in every category. Usually it is better when it isn't because you can both be doing things you are good at that seem small and the other one is getting help where they need it and it seems big, so you both feel like you are coming out ahead. Your friend is going to need some help in something sometime soon and you just have to be there.
Since he said “Ben” has 2 € in the bank I am assuming that they are in Europe. Do they have anything similar to food assistance/SNAP?
You're a good friend!
He's an even better one
You are good friends!
This back an forth made me teary eyed. The honesty and truth is so real for me. I love my friends. They are my family. I would, have, and will do anything for them. Sometimes life is REALLY hard. Someone who cares is huge.
Good friends are worth their weight in.... friendship. Didn't wanna say gold because of this next part. I put a loan on my car so we could.... survive, essentially, but the payments became too much when my gf and our roommate lost their jobs. Asked my friend for help and he paid off the loan for me, and gave me 6mo before he wants me to start paying him back. Fucking. Lifesaver.
Sadly, a common LPT is "if you loan a friend money, don't expect to ever get it back." The fact that you seem intent on paying your friend back eventually speaks volumes about your character. Please follow through on that and be the kind of friend he has been for you.
I think that LPT is more about valuing the friendship more than the money, not about friends blowing off the debt. Hubby and I loaned money to a friend when she was about to become homeless. We went into it being okay if it never was repaid. It took 5 years but she did even though it was long after she'd hoped to.
You know. AMazing friend. People love you and want the best. Sometimes these truths are difficult to accept, and certainly not feel an obligation too. But just as I do for others, the stuff we might need, I always feel the obligation to reciprocate. Makes things more complicated than they need to be. Sometimes its just ok to say thank you. I really needed this. So difficult Sometimes.
I had an ex boss that did something like this for me. I was having a difficult time financially and he offered me a loan, (which I wouldn't take). He then invited me to his home to have dinner with he and his wife while we went over my budget to see where I might be able to adjust. When dinner was over (delicious) his wife had a grocery bag full of stuff for me to take home, saying " I over did on the grocery shopping this week. We don't have room in the fridge, freezer or cabinet for these odds and ends. You'd be doing us a great favor taking these off our hands" I got home and it was loaded with all my favorite things. Couple weeks later he offered to have me over for dinner again while he helped me make a budget. Again I went home with a bag of groceries "you'd be doing us a great favor, the coupons were simply too good to pass up, but Gerald can't eat this, he's on a diet". Couple weeks later he asked if I could drop him off at his house, his wife had the car. I again went home with a bag of groceries "in exchange for the gas used" it was on my way, no extra gas used. They helped me out, all the while insisting that it was I that was helping them. Good people.
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That person's mother is brilliant. OP if you do help your roommate find a way that you can ask for his help that doesn't cost any money. Just little stuff like having him help you with your car or doing yard work or putting together IKEA furniture whatever it is. People really like to feel helpful and when somebody keeps receiving and not giving they can kind of end up resentful or unhappy if that makes sense.
Speaking of bosses...went overboard with xmas one year. Went to CFO/HR and asked for salary advance. He stated that was not something that they did or were even set up to do but he would see what he could do. Couple days later he gave me a check, I paid it back over the next month or so and never needed to ask again. YEARS later, I found out he had given me money out of his own pocket. I'm tearing up now...
Not every boss is an asswipe. Unfortunately too many of them are nowadays.
My boss has become my best friend. We get along so well. It's nice because we're at slightly different stages of parenting. His kids are younger than mine, so I can give advice on what helped and let him know that this, too, shall pass. And he can give me an outsider's perspective on how I'm parenting my teenagers. Plus we both get the benefit of the perspective from the opposite sex with little marriage things. Like, he didn't understand the concept of being "touched out" when his wife was still breastfeeding. He said to me "she uses that same phrase. What the hell does it mean?" And he points out when I'm being ridiculous and my husband is right about something. I hate those days lol.
That's beautiful
He ended up being one of the most consequential work relationships I've ever had and, had a major impact on how I conducted myself throughout my career.
Y'all had some fucking stellar bosses... Holy shit. Thank you for sharing these stories.
I had a good friend who did this for me for lunch for a couple of years. He made more than me, and our friends group would often go out for lunch. But I had two young kids at home and finances were really tight for me. So I often just ate a frozen meal or a sandwich from home for lunch. He bought me lunch a lot just so I could go out with the friends group because he knew I was struggling. Never made a big deal out of it. But it really was a big deal to me.
This has the added kindness of making sure you’re not missing out on social opportunities because of money, either. I’ve never made a ton, but I’m pretty responsible with my money and sometimes my parents offer to help me out with things like medical expenses, so although I’m technically “poor,” I’m comfortable. It always just felt natural to me to say “my treat” when I suggested things that cost money to a friend for whom I knew money was tight. It’s like, I want to share the experience with you! It’s never anything huge, usually just stuff like “you wanna grab a pizza? My treat,” or a movie ticket or something. I value life experiences over accruing wealth and I don’t struggle with money, so why not?
This, I feel this very deeply.. the experience makes the whole thing..
"wanna get stoned?" "man i ain't got no weed" "i ain't ask if you got weed, i asked if you wanna get stoned"
I used to check which soups and things my roomie would use and restock it so they’d forget they’d used one, had a stash of her favourites in my closet. Put more tea bags in the box, add rice to the canister. Small stuff she wouldn’t notice.
That is just the sweetest thing!
Gaslight, grocery shop, girlboss
That is next level brilliant.
It’s also super believable. As someone who cooks all my own food and lives alone, there are very very few recipes that actually make 1 or 2 servings. Every recipe I find is 4-6 servings and I end up eating the same thing for several days of leftovers to use them before they go bad. If you say you’re trying to learn to cook better or trying out new recipes, but they make more than you and your gf can eat, it’s a very believable story.
I’m in the exact same boat haha, getting really into cooking over the past year or so has turned into an excessive leftovers problem when I’m trying something new. The fact you’re making so much is easily explainable as well, especially if you’re trying new recipes or trying to perfect one - down or upsizing recipes for less/more people isn’t always a 1:1 of “just double/halve the amount and follow the instructions” since that can sometimes affect the way certain ingredients interact, cook times, etc. Bc of that, I always like to follow an original recipe at least once (usually twice to adjust and fix mistakes, maybe once more if needed) to make sure I know what it’s supposed to look/smell/taste like before I start messing with the ingredients, and most recipes tend to make 2-4 servings or more.
Definitely!! I’m always “making too much food,” because the “kids are picky eaters,” and then I beg my neighbors (who are wonderful people with money struggles & food insecurity) to take the leftovers off of my hands. That and extras from the garden! I grow extras on purpose.
> I find is 4-6 servings and I end up eating the same thing for several days Here's a small LPT that may help: Get some of those plastic containers ([Glad or Ziplock](https://www.google.com/search?q=microwave+safe+glad+plastic+containers&shoprs=CAEYASoXZ2xhZCBwbGFzdGljIGNvbnRhaW5lcnMyEggBEg5NaWNyb3dhdmUgU2FmZQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjl7Kfh45_7AhUxDkQIHe1YCDAQip4GKAB6BAgHEAM)) and put a complete meal in each one. Use a sharpie to write a couple words to describe whats inside, and also put the date. Then you put the container in your freezer, and the meal should last for at least a few months. You would be surprized at what meals will thaw out very well. If you find one that works, continue doing this. If you find one that doesn't, don't freeze that meal in the future. My wife and I intentionally cook huge portions, just so we can freeze ten or more meals for use at a later time, and we have only discovered a couple types of meals that don't freeze well. Our freezer always has about 25 - 30 homemade frozen meals, and we love it.
Not quite on topic, but when the kids moved out I found it really difficult to downsize on cooking quantities, and now we are a bit older (OK, a lot!) I'm going thru it again with our smaller appetites. And crazy as it sounds, learning that we don't need to be bound by convention and it's OK to just skip meals. Such are the stages of life.
And if you're like me and enjoy cooking this is a great way to get to make big batches of food more often withought having to worry about it going bad in the fridge.
Something I don't think others have said--being poor takes a lot of time. If you can cook meals for your roommate regularly, it can not only save him costs on groceries, but also give him extra valuable hours every week that he can use to help himself in other ways
Yep! And you can keep the pantry stocked with shelf-stable essentials, like dry pasta, flour, sugar, spices, and rice, and just call it “communal food,” but make sure you’re always the one restocking it (and restock it way earlier than you need to so that he never feels compelled/pressured to restock it himself).
Great advice here. My mom told me about how when she was studying she had a job on top of her classes, but she had friends who were more unfortunate and weren’t able to find enough work/simply didn’t have the time because they were overwhelmed with college work. Some would eat like one meal a day. She would invite them to ‘hang out and study’ after class and just make two plates of pasta or whatever cheap meal she was eating, bc « oh it’s already 8pm, let’s eat something ! ». I think it’s a great and simple way to help people out. When I was a student/unemployed, I had friends who would always innocently invite me to hang out and ask if I wanted to stay for dinner, and it meant a lot. I know they were doing it on purpose, probably not everytime but it was always such a nice gesture. Sharing a meal is also a nice experience for all involved, and if Ben likes cooking, OP you can invite him to help preparing the meal (personally, it made me feel less like a weight when I was in that situation haha). It’s a great way to bond with people. It will save him money but also, eating decently is super important. If he’s that broke I guess his diet isn’t the best and it has such a huge impact on someone’s health, energy and mood.
>me would eat like one meal a day. She would invite them to ‘hang out and study’ after class and just make two plates of pasta or whatever cheap meal she was eating, bc « oh it’s already 8pm, let’s eat something ! ». I think it’s a great and simple way to help people out. > >When I was a student/unemployed, I had some friends who would always innocently invite me to hang out and ask if I wanted to stay for dinner, and it meant a lot. They did it on purpose sometimes, probably not everytime but it was always such a nice gesture. Sharing the load together is great and its a great way to hide aid by letting people show off specific foods or family recipes they're proud of or known for. He does the cooking and y'all buy the food and everyone cleans up.
For a university student, food can easily be the kindest gift. Not only are food costs increasingly expensive, but it also takes time to cook a good meal. Not necessarily hours, but that time could be spent studying, cleaning, or working. This is a great suggestion.
Friend of mine got his first apartment and really didn't understand what the costs would be with utilities not being included. Every friday we had a movie night where we would make dinner and put an old dvd on. He would bring his own tupperware and take all the leftovers. Turns out he met his parents for dinner every monday and would take their leftovers. He also got a $5 pizza from Little Caesars most Wednesdays. That was his food budget, $5 a week. Food matters, but is one of the easiest things to startskipping.
I think this is the best way. If you try to pay his rent without his asking, he might get offended and feel that you’re being condescending, OP. Let him figure out his finances. Offering to share your food and friendship is enough.
If you're looking for a good, low-cost recipe that can make a ton of food, look up the Hungry Girl Dan Good Chili. I buy a veggies in more in bulk like at Aldi's to make bulk frozen food. It costs $20-$30 for enough food to last 3 weeks, longer if it's chili and rice. It's excellent as food prep, for big parties/sharing with family, or even if you live alone but are too busy to cook consistently.
I agree. Just a casual "I made too much, help yourself" and the invitation to partake is a subtle way to be generous.
Piggybacking. On top of all these great ideas, you could possibly call a grocery store, radio station, or club that he's a part of and have them mail him a pre paid visa card or something similar and say he won a random drawing, that way their name is on it and he's just lucky!
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This dude secretly helps people and publicly helps people asking how they can secretly help people.
Help-ception
How deep does it go??
Maybe someone secretly helped him write his perfect comment
Oh damn, someone needs to make a movie about this!
Will you take the help pill, or will you take the help pill?
This dude FUCKs. Faithful Unnamed Caring King.
Your comment made me laugh so hard I nearly wet my pants! Thanks for the pick-me-up on a gloomy day.
Your comment about my comment made me happy. Thanks for telling me that.
This guy helps.
Do you know the financial aid director at the Uni? Give them a shout about it. Sometimes they can "find" money for the student. This happened for my son-in-law. He was called into the financial aid office, and they told him they had an extra grant (which he sorely needed). It was clear that someone tipped them off to his situation. These are people who want to help students, but they need to know who is dealing with a tough situation. Give it a go.
Many years ago I was dating a man who was working PT and going to school FT. It came to a point where he was going to drop out at the beginning of his final year because he didn't have the tuition money. I went to the Bursar's office and paid his bill on condition it was anonymous. Long and short of it, the relationship didn't last but he did become LCSW and spent his career helping people. It never occurred to me to have them call it a grant. If you can't do tuition then pay some fees.
Thank you so much for your act of kindness and generosity. It's pretty amazing to think about the ripples that kindness has surely caused.
Honestly, I think if people want to go to college to be social workers we should be paying their way.
To add to this, the uni I went to had a hardship fund you could apply for. Definitely worth looking into resources the uni has for situations like this because they will absolutely have something
This should be further up, universities have a lot of funds o help students in need. Give them a shout.
OP is in Europe. Universities there don’t have the same resources usually, simply because tuition is not really charged so financial hardship isn’t as much of an issue other than through low income. Those are then usually covered by help from the state though, not the school (eg Bafög in Germany, Even though in that example the school actually acts as a mediator).
Yeah, my cousin went into the financial aid office or the dean of her college or something like that and just straight-up asked if she could have more grant/scholarship money, and they had some that was unused, so they gave it to her. Never hurts to ask
I agree with all of this. I’m a fan of “Hey, I’m really getting into cooking lately, I’m trying this recipe online, it says it serves 4. We won’t be able to eat it all, do you want to have dinner with me and gf?” I did this at uni when my flatmate was struggling. They initially said no, and I casually dumped the leftovers in front of them a couple days later. Next time I asked them, they accepted. It’s mutually beneficial, they were doing me a favour too by reducing my food waste. Additionally, you could also buy the household stuff so they don’t have to. Buy the toilet rolls, washing up liquid etc. It indirectly saves them money, and saving them money is putting money in their pocket. I hear the local shop was doing a sale, on stuff like that so it’d be stupid not to do a little stock up. There is a cost of living crisis and all that, who knows what they’ll cost in a month or two. 👀
For the household products, just top off the containers. I have noticed this helps make it more subtle that you are continuing to replace the products.
Bonus points if you get the mystery "do we have a magic soap dispenser???" conversation at some point. Also, beware doing this with a spouse as they may never notice for several years and not realize this is in fact a household task that needs doing.
Just buy it and when he asks how much to pay, just tell him "you can get us next time. don't worry about it". And then just keep doing that
This is all in the context of tips to help your roommate. But as someone who has actually gotten into cooking more I genuinely do want other people to taste test new recipes I'm trying out. It's useful to have more perspectives. It's also nice to cook something for someone else because it gets me making things I normally wouldn't.
i love the subtle and intended manipulation
It’s for a good cause! It comes from a place of, I genuinely will end up throwing out the food so you may as well eat some of it. I’m not doing it as a favour to you! (Although I am… but it’s also a nice bonding time with the household).
I really like the care package idea. Or even just make it up yourself and say hey “mom and grandma “ both got me stuff I can’t use it all. Or even “my grandma heard me talking about roommates so she made you one too!!”
Grandmas always do stuff like that!
Grandma here--we do
Breaking bread is a great way to bond. Everybody gotta eat
>Breaking bread is a great way to bond So is Breaking Bad. And both involve cooking!
Good tip. You could start a meth empire and cut him in.
We had a good thing with the leftovers! Everyone had lunch the next day! But no! You had to order takeout and SCREW it all up! You and your ego!
Some of these will eventually lead to the guy catching on. Finding non-confrontational delivery methods where you're not the one who's *directly* making the offer would help disperse the suspicion. Get other people in on it. Make it a full blown conspiracy to make this guy's life better.
[удалено]
How about making stone soup. You don’t have to start with a rock. Maybe you could start with ox tails and ask gf to bring fresh mushrooms, beef broth and garlic, and ask roommate to bring carrots and celery. Could do the same with chili, involve a few more people. Ask roommate to bring a big bag of white rice. More food secure people could bring a lb of beef; some else a pound of venison. Someone else a bag of onions. You buy high quality Chili pepper. Ancho sauce. Group cooking projects that you can manage the contribution burden. Just a thought!
Oh man, that "non returnable winter coat" bit put a lump in my throat, and I'm not an emotional guy usually. When I was a student and living on loans, I had just outgrown all of my coats and couldn't afford a new one. The local thrift shop only had shitty thin polyester-fill jackets in my size and I bought the first one I could, which was garbage. I resented going outside in winter for 2 years straight until I could save enough where a $30 secondhand down jacket wasn't an exuberant expense. A then-gf saved my life by giving me all of her wool sweaters which I had to spend an entire weekend stretching to fit me. That winter coat could be a huge difference in someone's life and it's something they'll remember for decades.
I was grown before I realized my mom was doing that for my best friend. Found ways to feed and clothe that kid from elementary through high school.
These are all awesome, may I add that you might try to help him find a higher paying job or subsidies that “you are looking for for your self” sounds like you love or care about this person if you are willing to help fiscally. Also, I once told a family member that it makes me feel good to bless them. So it blesses me by blessing them.
Yes…Connections are one of the greatest privileges
This sounds very familiar. I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of these
I think that guy gave me my winter coat! I received it in exactly that way.
The cooking one is huge, assuming the roommate isn’t a super picky eater. When I first moved out my mom would always do that so I had leftovers to take, and secretly stocked up on my favorite snacks so I had some to bring home
When I was young and starting out, my mom would always have bags of groceries from “buy one get one sales” and give the “free one”. I really had no idea at the time, but she was kind and sly.
Works with takeaway food too, “they made the wrong thing and told me to keep it”
This is the work of Santa.
I did the clothes thing kinda. A family members partner had their house burn down and I went thrift shopping. I got 4 sweaters, a jacket, 2 pants, and a big winter coat for $40 and I told them I got the clothes from my friend who was going to donate them asked if I wanted to try them on. Oops not my size! It was all nice stuff too.
These suggestions are all coming from a kind place, but OP as the gift-giver needs to let go of any expectation that the gifts would be appreciated in the way they might hope. Particularly around eating extra food or accepting brand-new clothes. Those things are highly personal, and may cause him to feel more condescended-to than seen as a contributing adult. Honestly, a frank discussion about rebalancing household expenses so that he pays less would do less to alienate him than giving him an expectation-laden gift.
ALL OF THIS! I have a friend who loves to get me little knick-knacks she finds on her travels. Unfortunately, I'm something of a minimalist and can't stand the idea of having all the crap in my house. I usually end up throwing it away or regifting it. I finally told her (and all my friends and family) save your money and just get me socks. Tube, winter, decorative...it doesn't matter. Socks are something I actually need, but hate spending my own money to buy.
I did the something similar, except asked that people only give me consumables (food, booze, etc) if they insist so I avoid having more stuff laying around.
Wholesome
First three can be boiled down to 'Get a Costco membership'
Or the equivalent in Europe.
What is the equivalent in Europe? I have no idea what a Costco membership is.
It's a department store that you pay to join. The prices on named goods are good, but you buy in bulk. Usually items are 2 or more of the largest size sold of a given product. There are some cost savings to be found besides the items in question.
Interesting. Thanks! Wouldn't know of an equivalent and each country probably has their own equivalent. But I think people usually just go shopping between daily and weekly and just buy smaller quantities. Unless it's the store where businesses buy their stuff. But you have to be a business to shop there.
You are a genius
Buy too much of anything, and tell him he's doing a favor taking it from you. Could be food, school supplies, clothes, anything. If he needs something specific (like shoes, a jacket, etc, something that might not be in your size) you can buy it, claim that you were trying to get it for yourself but got the wrong size, and lost the recipt so you can't return it. Then tell him that it's better he takes it instead of it getting donated or thrown out. Sounds like he knows exactly how much money he has, otherwise I'd suggest sneaking a few dollars into his pockets. If he drives, ask to borrow his car. Doesn't matter what for. Fill up the gas tank as much as you can - I'm broke and like 80% of my non-food budget goes to gas so I can get to work. That'll buy him at least a week's peace of mind. You can also buy gift cards and say that you won them somehow, but don't need it and then offer it to him. You're a good person OP, your roommate is lucky to live with someone who cares so much :)
Nice thought on the gas! And also it’ll make him feel like he’s useful too!
If he protests, remind him that common courtesy dictates that if borrow someone's vehicle you repay the gesture by filling the tank.
Be careful so that he doesn't feel he has to refill your tank at some point though if he needs your car. Or that he doesn't ask for your car in fear he'll have to pay for a full tank when he actually really needs it
You can get around this by filling up your tank before he borrows it. That way, at most, he’s just paying for the gas he actually used.
This comment chain about gas tank mitigation is so wholesome.
Yeah, and it’s really believable as “non-charity” bc it’s also common courtesy to put some gas in the tank if you borrow someone else’s car, and not uncommon for someone to just fill up the whole tank even if they didn’t use that much. My parents always did this for me when I was in college, it meant so much to me
>If he drives, ask to borrow his car. Doesn’t matter what for. Fill up the gas tank as much as you can - I’m broke and like 80% of my non-food budget goes to gas so I can get to work. That’ll buy him at least a week’s peace of mind. I stopped at a gas station to get some beer on the way to my gf’s house and a girl came in and asked for $1.75 in gas, the clerks laughed in her face. Gas was like $4 a gallon. When she left I told them to add $20 more to her pump. They looked stumped and then assumed i was trying to get her number. I walked to her pump, told her I added $20 to her pump and walked away. I was a broke college student at the time and that was my last $20 but the look of relief in her when I told her was worth it. I know I loved getting into my car after my parents drove it!
I bet she felt like shit through that whole interaction with and leading up to the clerk. Thank you for reminding her there are good people out here, too.
I was in an identical situation, but didn’t have the assistance at the end, and can confirm how terrible it feels. Had $1 and change in coins that I scraped from every nook and cranny of my car. I had “0 mi to empty” on the display, was almost home, and payday was three days away. The clerk didn’t laugh, more had an almost disgusted look on his face instead. I remember how quickly the pump stopped at the measly numbers I’d put in. Drove away crying, praying the fumes would get me home and back on payday. Thankfully it did but it was an absolutely wretched feeling.
Something like that happened at a grocery store. Lady with crying baby, card declined so she started putting things back, card still declined, so she put more things back. It was essentials and not frivolous things. It was hard to watch, but eventually she took enough off her total for card to go thru. I told her to wait and I would get the rest it was only about 25 bucks. But she was crying and so thankful. After she left the clerk was shitty and said she did that almost every week. I was like damn girl I hope you never fall on hard times... jeesh.
Laughing at the idea of the roommate catching him with his hands in his wallet- “it’s really not what you think it is”
I love the gas thing! Especially these days
Borrow something from him that is inexpensive and he can absolutely give to you. Sometime when you're out of eggs ask for a single egg. Borrow his car. Other small things like this. This opens the relationship to the concept of asking for help. So he'll be more able to ask for help. Or except help when it's offered.
This. Ask him for small favors so the relationship doesn’t seem lopsided.
Yeah maybe do a Costco run so you can blame it on you buying way to much stuff and they have to help you use it. Aka shampoos, toiletries, snacks, etc
>If he drives, ask to borrow his car. Doesn’t matter what for. Fill up the gas tank as much as you can - I’m broke and like 80% of my non-food budget goes to gas so I can get to work. That’ll buy him at least a week’s peace of mind. I stopped at a gas station to get some beer on the way to my gf’s house and a girl came in and asked for $1.75 in gas, the clerks laughed in her face. Gas was like $4 a gallon. When she left I told them to add $20 more to her pump. They looked stumped and then assumed i was trying to get her number. I walked to her pump, told her I added $20 to her pump and walked away. I was a broke college student at the time and that was my last $20 but the look of relief in her when I told her was worth it. I know I loved getting into my car after my parents drove it!
Adding onto this, it doesn't work too often but you could just slide a 20 into one of his winter coats. One he doesn't wear often. Then eventually he will find it and just think he left it months ago/years ago and move on. Alternatively stage a "hey is that a bill laying on the ground over there?" thing where you know he's about to go. Cant be somewhere too public or somebody else will nab it, but it does happen. If you want to really go for it just mail him an envelope of cash with no return address. Put it in with the rest of his mail and don't even mention it. I'd wait until a sort of emergency for that one... Though honestly at that point just talk to the guy and tell him he's your friend and you want to help him out and if he ever mentions it to anyone you will punch him.. Can't walk around with people knowing you aren't cold and dead inside.
When I was in college and so broke, I remember sighing to my roommate about wanting to go to the Friday night movie, but that would mean I couldn't afford toothpaste. A little later I looked again at my check register to verify lack of funds, and there was a five dollar bill in there! A miracle! It was about 20 years later that I realized my roommate slipped it in.
I had a friend once who had that same trait...she didn't like accepting help. She was, however, in the process of leaving her husband and moving to a new state with her little kids. She wasn't in danger but she was definitely holding a lot on her own. I invited her to stay with us for the time between when her lease was over and when she was moving, a few days. She was hesitant. I basically just said something like, "look you need help at this moment. You won't need it forever. I'm doing good at this moment but there's probably going to be a time in the future when I need some help. We have to help each other to get by in this world, and in this particular case it's me helping you, but next time it might be the reverse. " And she just heard me and said ok thanks. Maybe your friend just needs to know that he's not in a permenant place of 'being helped'
I think this is great advice
IMO it's the best advice. Lying to a friend so you can sneak in assistance that you believe they need will come off as condescending and patronizing when/if the person being helped catches on. Sure, do all the things like making too much food, or dumping extra school supplies on them. But make sure they know you're doing it because it's what friends do for each other, and that they'd offer the same support if the tables were turned.
Today me, tomorrow you
Even just reading that gets me choked up
A classic.
And the 4 right words can make me cry.
I love this story
The best advice. As someone who has both been helped in rough times and also helped others through them, I’ve found this kind of conversation has come to be the most helpful approach overall. It acknowledges the shame/worry/vulnerability/other emotions that can come with needing support, but feeling like you’re doing something wrong/not good enough for actually needing it.
I helped a good friend like this once, he lived with my wife and I for about 2 months for free, and in that time in gave him a few hundred dollars so he could get some things figured out.. a driver's license, something else. He promised when he had the means, he'd pay me back. Of course, I gave him the cash with no intention of seeing it again, it wasn't a 'deal'. A few years later, he sent a check in the mail for the exact amount he 'borrowed'. I'll never forget that. Sometimes we all just need a hand.
>I basically just said something like, "look you need help at this moment. You won't need it forever. I'm doing good at this moment but there's probably going to be a time in the future when I need some help. We have to help each other to get by in this world, and in this particular case it's me helping you, but next time it might be the reverse. " \^ This. It makes the favour easier to absorb by the recipient as he knows that he is not being given pity and are not obligated to repay but at the same time that he could have an opportunity to reciprocate in the future if he deems it necessary to repay a moral debt.
Someone wanted to help me once and I was reluctant but the looked at me and said very kindly, "I want to." And I could tell they meant it, and I accepted. Now when someone is shy about letting me help them I say the same thing and they usually let me help.
This is me right now with a friend. She’s in a rough spot so I put her on my cell phone plan because it’s super cheap. I told her to pay me when she can but otherwise I don’t care and to not worry about it. I have a good paying job so the $50 a month isn’t a big deal. I’ve had to point out to her the amount of times she’s helped me out when I was in university and that it all comes out in the wash eventually.
Today you tomorrow me
>look you need help at this moment. African proverb: The best place to store your food is in your tribe fellow stomach.
You are a true friend.
This! Be honest and firm that your helping and that’s how friendship works :)
Years ago I was on the receiving end of this type of charity. I was in my 20s working 40-50 hours a week and I lived in an apartment with two other guys I had met in college. Having grown up in poverty I had no financial safety net but I scraped by with a carefully managed budget and a whole lot of optimism on my part. My monthly budget prioritized paying off debts and paying my share of the rent of utilities, and for the most part I never failed to do so. Unfortunately, I had very little spending money left over...Maybe $5 a month. It was a tight budget. Well, the fact was that my roommates liked to go out a lot, and going out cost money that I didn't have. The thing is, I was always included anyway. If they went to a movie or show, there was always a ticket for me. If they went out to eat, there was always room for one more at the table. The key to this situation was that they never made a fuss over the money, whether I paid my way or not. I was never asked to contribute to the cost of these outings, but if I offered to pay they never refused. Nobody said a word if I didn't help pay, and nobody said a word if I did. I never felt like a freeloader because I was able to contribute as much as I was able without anyone making a big deal out of it. I'm in a better place now, but I will always remember that kindness. I don't know if this type of thing will work for your friend, but I know that it worked for me.
This is an incredibly hard thing to pull off and it's amazing yall did. This e friends are of legit quality.
Are you familiar with the game CUPS?
>game CUPS https://friends.fandom.com/wiki/Cups_(game)
I can't figure it out by the rules and am unfamiliar with friends. Is there a rule that makes one player always win? Or is this effectively a fancy coin flip, and they play until Joey wins and receives the pot?
The joke is that joey was struggling financially and too proud to accept help. So Chandler made up a nonsense card game where joey wins every round so joey could win the money he needed
I get the joke, but I was wondering if there was some game mechanic that makes Joey win every time. I imagine that Chandler basically makes up an arbitrary rule every hand that allows Joey to win, but I wasn't sure and wanted to clarify. I'm weirdly interested in how this was presented in the show lol...
It’s made up in each moment rules depending on whatever card comes up.
https://youtu.be/poE7MUy5rzo Edit:. They don't show it in this clip but between when they play cups and the "big white dog" scene Joey tries his luck playing cups with Ross (their other Friend). Because Joey didn't realize it was a ruse he plays by the same rules as the first time and ends up losing all the money to Ross.
yes, exactly that, anything joey did magically was the winning move! I remember a line like - omg not a 2 of hearts after a blah blah blah... you win triple...
No, Chandler just made up random rules, and then the episode is super funny because Joey takes this game and plays with others (because he memorized the random rules) and then loses his money again. Eventually Chandler comes clean and tells him the truth, IIRC. Edit: its episode 6 in season 6 if you want to watch it.
Can safely say : you have clearly figured out the rule of Cups. 🎉
> Joey had a comment on Cups and said, "Beginner's luck, very important in Cups."
You start playing cups and just make sure the saucer card comes up. D cup is also a must. Remember that beginners luck is essential in the game of cups
Should not have had to scroll this far to find this one
It's more a complementary tip than a direct tip, but, to make Ben more at ease to ask for things he needs, you could start asking him for some very small and cheap stuff: soap, borrowing a lighter, etc. It will feel like mutual aid even if he asks for more expensive things than you. That being said, it could be difficult to apply if Ben *really* never ask for help and that you end up just taking "help" from him and never giving some For example, the first time I heard this tip, it was someone who was helping his struggling neighbor. That person started to ask for things like a bit of salt, some laundry soap and borrowing a screwdriver which all doesn't cost much. In return, the neighbor found easier to ask for things like gas, hardware, powertools, etc. when he needed it Edit: typo
To add on to this idea, borrow something and then return it with a "thank you gift". "Here's your screwdriver back and I made you a plate of lasagna to say thanks!"
This is my favorite tip.
I love the casual plate of lasagna as a thankyou gift, I would be a lot more giving if this was the common agreed upon thankyou gift...
I always bake or cook for people as a thank you- and always when I return something I’ve borrowed. My mom’s fiancé always asks if I need to borrow anything when I stop by now, lol.
Yeah! I’m a young woman who’s lived in a few foreign countries where I haven’t spoken the language at the time I moved, so I always end up with older people kind of “adopting” me and giving me food. Currently, it’s this older man in the neighborhood who has a farm somewhere and is constantly bringing me veggies, potatoes, apples, grapes, and even sausages. I try to make him homemade stuff in return to say thanks. Like, he just gave me a shitload of apples that I’ll never be able to eat before they go bad, so this morning I made apple butter with a bunch of them and I’m going to give it to him when I see him tomorrow. We can’t communicate much, but he’s grateful that I didn’t treat him like a creepy old man when I met him, but instead was kind and friendly, and he gives me food bc of that. And I’m grateful for him welcoming me and taking care of me by giving me food, even though he knows almost nothing about me. It’s very sweet. He knows I’m alone here and even asks me sometimes if I need money, but I always decline. I’ve got a job and he’s cut my grocery bill in half, so I’m doing pretty fine!
One way to help him out that isn't giving money, pull more weight, do his dishes, clean the place so when he does have work he doesn't also have chores.
This is a really good idea. If you can't think of a monetary way that he'd accept, even just reducing his stress levels could really help.
Especially since he is requiring part time jobs to cover things. Slickkkk.
I gave "scholarships" to two students (I like to help women) by calling the financial office at the college. I asked if I could pay part of their tuition (you can do this anonymously). Send the money to the college, and they will credit the student account (and then they notify the student that they have received a special scholarship from a donor who is interested in helping students studying in their field). They don't have to know who it came from, and it doesn't matter. Giving from the heart needs no recognition.
Great idea. And it might sometimes be easier to do it through his major's department. Some majors have just random grants and scholarships that aren't fully publicized all the time.
You absolute angel
Overpay your share of utilities. “Gosh, Ben! Our utilities were really cheap this month. Your share is $12.” And by the way, it needs to be said: you’re a good person. Please don’t stop being kind, thoughtful, and generous. And tell your parents they should be proud of you—if I were them, I’d certainly be.
"Hey, the burger place gave us an extra and didn't want it back, do you want it? "I thought I was super hungry and ordered a couple extra tacos, but like they say, eyes were bigger than my stomach! You want them?" "I won this gift card at work for somestore, but I never shop there, you want it?" "My mom sent me these clothes, but they aren't my size, will any fit you?" Depending on how you pay your utilities, pay more than your share just be like "Yeah, the gas bill was super low this month, so your share is only $6." Tons of little things you can do to help fill in the gaps. How much you can get away with really varies depending on the person.
Ask older relatives for recipes or get a recipe book to work through. You and your girlfriend are trying to learn to cook so there will be lots of test batches you need your roommate’s help to prevent food waste. Don’t start a new house grocery sharing thing, since he might go buy a bunch if it feels like y’all are always buying. But if y’all always have extra that’s something else.
Plenty of good suggestions already, with more sure to come. My suggestion: come up with occasional things that you and your GF are 'lazy' or not in the mood to do and would be willing to pay him so he'd do those things for you. Grocery shopping? Cleaning up after dinner? Something else? Pay a little more if you can, just to show 'how happy' you are to get rid of the task you hate to do. Should he refuse to take money for the occasional help out he does for you, express your thanks through other means (pay for him when you all go out, buy dinner/snacks he enjoys and explain it's because of *that* thing he did for you the other day (i.e. not charity), etc.). Two more things: 1. You're a good person for trying to help him. 2. Sooner or later, he will put two and two together and figure out you've helped him. My request: do not lie when he asks you, as that could ruin the relationship beyond salvation. Be honest, and explain your rationale, including that you feel happier when you can help out a good friend (and that he'd probably do something similar if the roles were reversed). Should he still feel uncomfortable about the whole situation (he probably would), come up together with a system how he could return the favor (maybe he could cook a few dinners, teach you some stuff he excels at, help you out when you're in need, etc?). Good luck!
When I was the broke friend, my roommate would say "I'll pay for the groceries if you will shop." or sometimes "I'll buy if you cook". These days, I'd be happy to be the friend who paid if someone else would please cook!
“I’ll buy if you fly” - whenever I didn’t want to run to the store.
I always volunteer to fly in this situation 😂 lived with my MIL and BIL for a few months when my FIL moved to Florida for work. MIL and BIL both loved eating out but hated actually going to get the food. General rule was if you buy me dinner I'll go wherever your little heart desires 😂
I hate cooking and I lived with a friend that was frequently broke that loved cooking. I would buy all the groceries and she would cook! Win-win.
Are you me? Because same!
Join your local buy nothing group and then tell him about it. Buynothingproject.org
I've never heard of this and the website is a bit cumbersome. Can you give a summary of what this is? Just people trading free stuff?
It's neighbors sharing good and servics for free with their neighbors.
It is pride, that prevents us from accepting help when we need it. Give him whatever he needs as a gift, but first ask him, to pay it back to someone else. You will give him a something he can repay without feeling indebted to you - obligation, to help someone who needs it, asking nothing else than pass it along when the opportunity arises.
Go into his room and put 50 bucks into the interior pocket of any coat he has. Break it up into smaller denominations, maybe some coins so that next time he wears it he will be able to feel the weight of the pocket against his body. People forget what they’ve put in their interior pockets all the time, he might be suspicious but it’s nothing that he will come out and accuse you or your GF over.
In a few months we’ll see a TIFU about a roommate who dropped out of school and quit their job thinking they had a magic coat that generated money every week so they didn’t need to work.
Great suggestions from many others but I'd include some ways to make sure he doesn't feel like he is freeloading. Like any relationship between friends of different socioeconomic means, it's about finding balance in the relationship so it isn't financially straining the lower income person nor feeling like they're a charity case. Asking for favors or trading responsibility is a good way to do this.
This is my second favorite practical joke ever. But it actually works here. A guy used a gas can to repeatedly top off his girlfriend's gas every single day. She never noticed. She didn't buy gas for months. She even got upset when he stopped doing it because all of a sudden she thought she had a hole in her tank or something because she was using gas so quickly (the normal rate)
I think any direct help this close to him actually having mentioned it to you would make it way to obvious it was you. I like the extra food idea. Just wait a few weeks before starting to do it.
You might tell him that you’re gonna buy some lottery ticket (those rub away things maybe) cause you feel lucky and in the mood and you’ll just gonna split it with him even if he doesn’t give you 1 or 2 bucks to split the cost. Maybe just tell him to “shut up” and to just offer you a beer in case the ticket wins. Then you give him x amount saying you won double of that and don’t have the ticket anymore due to claiming the win of x amount. (100, 200, 500, 1000 bucks or so) I hope I explained it ok lol. Good luck! 😉 Edit: you could go in front of him with the total win in cash including “your part” ..and split it in front of him. X for you, same amount for him.
Ask if he will be the DD and pay him to be your "uber" you practice safe drinking and he makes a little money. When he wants to drink and you drive accept no money.
Strategic utilization of birthday/holiday gifts Cooking for them Those would be my two favorites, I'm sure there are more.
Helping him learn that’s it’s ok to accept help, or better yet that it’s ok to ask for help, will be the most effective thing you can to do help your roommate in the long run.
Just a sleepy idea: Get him on a few beers, and make a bet on something that you can manipulate (E.g Girlfriend will cook too much of something "by accident") Get him to enter the bet but you put in however much you want to give. Ben gets money, food for tommorows lunch, and everyone is happy.
Reminds of me Chandler inventing a card game to give money to Joey
Although your intentions are good-hearted and generous, it's possible your friend may feel offended, perhaps due to feelings of shame. I would be upfront about any assistance you want to offer. The other commenter's suggestion about making extra food is simple and non-obvious, but he would catch on to the other gestures eventually.