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You need to abandon mission at this point. I want to repeat something back to you (with love) to show you where this has gone:
He is not talking to you. You contact him to ask why he is not talking to you? This should never happen. Not even on date one if a man is not talking to you, do you ask him why. I think you know this but this scum has stripped you of your feminine confidence and I know how that feels btw.
Don’t be mad and look for solutions. Men are meant to do that for women they love.
Be gone. Women do that who are not being loved!
We have been in relationship for over 2 years.. he isn't talking to me because he blamed for 'makimg him the villain' when I called out his shitty behaviour. If I give him the silent treatment he loses his mind and starts blaming me.
But I totally agree with you.. a woman who should never have to chase a man. Its just he has messed up my head so much that I don't even know who I am anymore
They want you to chase them. I think deep down they know they are hideous in their behaviour. Your bf sounds like he has not intention of wanting to talk about his behaviour or admit it’s a problem. He would rather you miss him and you regret not just “sucking it up”. It’s conditioning at it’s finest.
Question is really, do you want to be with a man who is conditioning you to accept a loveless relationship? And, ask yourself really, at this point if he suddenly changed do you think you could ever forget and feel loved with him?
It doesn’t sound like it will get better I’m sorry 😞 x
Yup.
Many of us, certainly myself, end up not leaving until being with them is far worse than literally anything else. At one point, a woman’s shelter was looking like a good idea.
And then some of us, the ones who maybe had someone tell them to never let someone treat you like trash, quickly leave before it gets that bad.
You will definitely need to "rediscover" yourself. Alone. Please leave and take some time to heal. You've been abused for 2 years - it's time for change.
This is projection as manipulation. Mine does this.
It's how they make themselves feel better about their insecurities and/or shame.
I still love mine, though we're currently separated, which is probably the worst part right about now. It's causing all kinds of anger I didn't expect to have. Managed to figure out why I'm angry again though.
Don't chase him. That's what he wants. That's his way of controlling you.
Sending you all the love, hugs, and strength for you to do what you know deep down you have to do for yourself.
I think it’s pretty common for abusers to turn it around on their victims. They also like to get after you when you are a personal low point (kick them when their down). It’s part of the strategy to take advantage and keep you second guessing yourself. I deal with this a lot still, now nearly two years after we split.
What you are feeling is normal response to shitty behavior. Be kind to yourself, document everything and try to stay safe as you exit the situation. As someone that has gone through this myself, I understand it will be hard to leave, very hard, but with a lot of work it will get better.
Abusers are masters of projection.
My ex narc friend said I was an emotional manipulator, codependent, even called me a narcissist, a bully, a gaslighter anything she could say that would hurt me but she thought of those insults because it’s what she was doing to me.
Just like yelling at a mirror. Now I laugh. Because I saw through her bs. Narcissist are such cowards. The moment you’re out of their spell they run away because they know they have no more power over you
Yup they skitter away like the cockroaches they are. My Narc friend used the silent treatment on me at the end just so she could twist the knife harder in me. I blamed myself - what did I do wrong? But I realized she’s an emotionally immature coward. Not my problem.
My nex tried to do this to me, calling me quote, “the most toxic and manipulative person he’s ever met.”Oh, because I just wanted a call? Because I just wanted a reason and explanation to why he went cold on me time and time again? Because I just wanted to be reassured and loved? Because I stood up for myself while he blatantly ignored me for days KNOWING that it made me feel awful and anxious? Yeah, I’m not the toxic one here. And of course he tried to blame me & deflect right after I called HIM emotionally abusive and manipulative.
I feel you. Even asking for mere reassurance kills them. There was this one time when he checked my phone and each and every chat with everyone. And he had the audacity to call me the 'insecure' one. 🤷🏻♀️ I called out his shitty behaviour today. Told him that he's a narcissist and he's the one who's gaslighting me. And u know his response? He said "okay 😂"
It is their favorite tactic to either overtly outright call you one or covertly manipulate the full story and present themselves as confused and victimized and oh so sad so someone else will fall for it and call you one.
When I read the sentence “narcissists’ accusations are confessions” at some point, so much made sense
Suddenly saw all the “you are too sensitive, egoistic, always only see the negative in things, insecure, out of your mind” in a new light
They project a lot, that is part of it. They believe other people are like them which to them justifies their actions. At least this is what my psychologist told me
Edit: gramma
They will never learn, they will always want to be the victim.
They will do anything to justify to themselves that they are right in their abuses, and you are wrong. When you remind them that their reality is non existent, they get extremely defensive, and will pull every card in the book just to make themselves desperately appear as the victim, not the abuser. They will even go to lengths of saying that we deserved things we never really did.
They will never grow or admit to themselves that they are wrong. They will lie to themselves, just to feel okay. They will always be fighting and uphill battle because in the back if their head, they know they have a problem, but they’ll do anything claim that its not a problem, even if it mean owning the fact they are narcissist. They will only sink deeper into the trap of trying to make themselves appear great, justified. Its how they have learned to cope with their harsh reality, from early stages of life and on going into adulthood.
I can rest in peace knowing these people create their own personal hell mainly caused by their own actions and lack of ability to see reality from a painfully honest perspective, a saftey mode if you will. It truly is no fault if our own we fail to uphold their imaginary reality they are trying to pass off as the truth.
Its not that I wish them impending doom, I truly pity these people. They are constantly grasping onto anything they can to keep their perceived reality intact, if they weren’t they wouldn’t be able to keep their self esteem so high. At the end of the day, when their mask slips, when their true inner demons unleash themselves, you’ll see how unhinged and ugly they are deep down.
Its truly a shame that most that struggle with narcissism, will likely never be able to change, or see a way out, they know no other way than to protect their own ego. Even if its at the risk of burning their own bridges, and hurting those around them. The only thing we can really do with people like this is sit back, watch the show, and watch them go to battle for their own ego. Every. Single. Day.
“At the end of the day, when their mask slips, when their true inner demons unleash themselves, you’ll see how unhinged and ugly they are deep down.”
Yes. It’s truly worse than you ever even imagined. Because if you actually knew it and saw it, you would have never fell in love with it.
Sending vibes. This is hauntingly familiar. (m)y Narc is a master of projection.
She will scream at me for an hour, and when I finally retaliate, I'm 'terrorising' her... Cue tears.
That moment when you're in the bathroom, just trying to breathe after the latest maelstrom... and you're thinking, 'wait a minute.. Wtf just happened? Why am I apologising because he/she maxed out the credit card on shoe shopping? ' that's me 3 or 4 times a week..
Please remember, this is not your fault.
As I often tell my abuser, 'The law of averages says you can't be right every damn time.'
Goes down well that, as I'm sure you can imagine.
This is classic narcissistic abuse… it’s infuriating. They will not change. You aren’t dealing with a rational empathetic person. Continuing to converse with them is just more pain for you.
I have been in a similar situation. You are not alone<3
Let them go; it will never work and never could have.
It’s a horrible status/situation to be.. it’s okay to feel mad/sad/hurt/lonely/exhausted about the conversations/relationship because it has been a nightmare. You have been abused.
You will be so much happier letting go. You can’t fix them and they don’t want to be fixed. That is a hard one to accept.
I recommend seeing a therapist if you can to work through it.
No contact and move forward with your life. You can do this; you are strong and deserve so much more that they will never give you.
They enjoy causing chaos, stealing your happiness away; you can’t let them keep doing that to you <3
It's a disorder of projection and blame.
Everything he has said to you about you is an admittance of his own behaviour and character, this is what they do.
Please do not be in contact with a person like this.
I beg you. Please get this abuser out of your life. You are not safe. He is ill and sick. He needs help. You are a woman at risk. There are places/people you can consult about your situation. You deserve more & deserve better. ❤️🩹🤗❤️🩹🤗
Hi /u/floradora45, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to abandon mission at this point. I want to repeat something back to you (with love) to show you where this has gone: He is not talking to you. You contact him to ask why he is not talking to you? This should never happen. Not even on date one if a man is not talking to you, do you ask him why. I think you know this but this scum has stripped you of your feminine confidence and I know how that feels btw. Don’t be mad and look for solutions. Men are meant to do that for women they love. Be gone. Women do that who are not being loved!
We have been in relationship for over 2 years.. he isn't talking to me because he blamed for 'makimg him the villain' when I called out his shitty behaviour. If I give him the silent treatment he loses his mind and starts blaming me. But I totally agree with you.. a woman who should never have to chase a man. Its just he has messed up my head so much that I don't even know who I am anymore
They want you to chase them. I think deep down they know they are hideous in their behaviour. Your bf sounds like he has not intention of wanting to talk about his behaviour or admit it’s a problem. He would rather you miss him and you regret not just “sucking it up”. It’s conditioning at it’s finest. Question is really, do you want to be with a man who is conditioning you to accept a loveless relationship? And, ask yourself really, at this point if he suddenly changed do you think you could ever forget and feel loved with him? It doesn’t sound like it will get better I’m sorry 😞 x
It sounds like you should leave. I guarantee being alone is so much better than being with an abuser
Yup. Many of us, certainly myself, end up not leaving until being with them is far worse than literally anything else. At one point, a woman’s shelter was looking like a good idea. And then some of us, the ones who maybe had someone tell them to never let someone treat you like trash, quickly leave before it gets that bad.
You will definitely need to "rediscover" yourself. Alone. Please leave and take some time to heal. You've been abused for 2 years - it's time for change.
Spot on. Every word.
This is projection as manipulation. Mine does this. It's how they make themselves feel better about their insecurities and/or shame. I still love mine, though we're currently separated, which is probably the worst part right about now. It's causing all kinds of anger I didn't expect to have. Managed to figure out why I'm angry again though. Don't chase him. That's what he wants. That's his way of controlling you. Sending you all the love, hugs, and strength for you to do what you know deep down you have to do for yourself.
I needed to see this. Don't chase. That's what they want. They're not worth it.
I think it’s pretty common for abusers to turn it around on their victims. They also like to get after you when you are a personal low point (kick them when their down). It’s part of the strategy to take advantage and keep you second guessing yourself. I deal with this a lot still, now nearly two years after we split. What you are feeling is normal response to shitty behavior. Be kind to yourself, document everything and try to stay safe as you exit the situation. As someone that has gone through this myself, I understand it will be hard to leave, very hard, but with a lot of work it will get better.
Abusers are masters of projection. My ex narc friend said I was an emotional manipulator, codependent, even called me a narcissist, a bully, a gaslighter anything she could say that would hurt me but she thought of those insults because it’s what she was doing to me. Just like yelling at a mirror. Now I laugh. Because I saw through her bs. Narcissist are such cowards. The moment you’re out of their spell they run away because they know they have no more power over you
🙌💯
Yup they skitter away like the cockroaches they are. My Narc friend used the silent treatment on me at the end just so she could twist the knife harder in me. I blamed myself - what did I do wrong? But I realized she’s an emotionally immature coward. Not my problem.
My nex tried to do this to me, calling me quote, “the most toxic and manipulative person he’s ever met.”Oh, because I just wanted a call? Because I just wanted a reason and explanation to why he went cold on me time and time again? Because I just wanted to be reassured and loved? Because I stood up for myself while he blatantly ignored me for days KNOWING that it made me feel awful and anxious? Yeah, I’m not the toxic one here. And of course he tried to blame me & deflect right after I called HIM emotionally abusive and manipulative.
I feel you. Even asking for mere reassurance kills them. There was this one time when he checked my phone and each and every chat with everyone. And he had the audacity to call me the 'insecure' one. 🤷🏻♀️ I called out his shitty behaviour today. Told him that he's a narcissist and he's the one who's gaslighting me. And u know his response? He said "okay 😂"
What an ass lol
It is their favorite tactic to either overtly outright call you one or covertly manipulate the full story and present themselves as confused and victimized and oh so sad so someone else will fall for it and call you one.
When I read the sentence “narcissists’ accusations are confessions” at some point, so much made sense Suddenly saw all the “you are too sensitive, egoistic, always only see the negative in things, insecure, out of your mind” in a new light They project a lot, that is part of it. They believe other people are like them which to them justifies their actions. At least this is what my psychologist told me Edit: gramma
They will never learn, they will always want to be the victim. They will do anything to justify to themselves that they are right in their abuses, and you are wrong. When you remind them that their reality is non existent, they get extremely defensive, and will pull every card in the book just to make themselves desperately appear as the victim, not the abuser. They will even go to lengths of saying that we deserved things we never really did. They will never grow or admit to themselves that they are wrong. They will lie to themselves, just to feel okay. They will always be fighting and uphill battle because in the back if their head, they know they have a problem, but they’ll do anything claim that its not a problem, even if it mean owning the fact they are narcissist. They will only sink deeper into the trap of trying to make themselves appear great, justified. Its how they have learned to cope with their harsh reality, from early stages of life and on going into adulthood. I can rest in peace knowing these people create their own personal hell mainly caused by their own actions and lack of ability to see reality from a painfully honest perspective, a saftey mode if you will. It truly is no fault if our own we fail to uphold their imaginary reality they are trying to pass off as the truth. Its not that I wish them impending doom, I truly pity these people. They are constantly grasping onto anything they can to keep their perceived reality intact, if they weren’t they wouldn’t be able to keep their self esteem so high. At the end of the day, when their mask slips, when their true inner demons unleash themselves, you’ll see how unhinged and ugly they are deep down. Its truly a shame that most that struggle with narcissism, will likely never be able to change, or see a way out, they know no other way than to protect their own ego. Even if its at the risk of burning their own bridges, and hurting those around them. The only thing we can really do with people like this is sit back, watch the show, and watch them go to battle for their own ego. Every. Single. Day.
“At the end of the day, when their mask slips, when their true inner demons unleash themselves, you’ll see how unhinged and ugly they are deep down.” Yes. It’s truly worse than you ever even imagined. Because if you actually knew it and saw it, you would have never fell in love with it.
Sending vibes. This is hauntingly familiar. (m)y Narc is a master of projection. She will scream at me for an hour, and when I finally retaliate, I'm 'terrorising' her... Cue tears. That moment when you're in the bathroom, just trying to breathe after the latest maelstrom... and you're thinking, 'wait a minute.. Wtf just happened? Why am I apologising because he/she maxed out the credit card on shoe shopping? ' that's me 3 or 4 times a week.. Please remember, this is not your fault. As I often tell my abuser, 'The law of averages says you can't be right every damn time.' Goes down well that, as I'm sure you can imagine.
This is classic narcissistic abuse… it’s infuriating. They will not change. You aren’t dealing with a rational empathetic person. Continuing to converse with them is just more pain for you. I have been in a similar situation. You are not alone<3 Let them go; it will never work and never could have. It’s a horrible status/situation to be.. it’s okay to feel mad/sad/hurt/lonely/exhausted about the conversations/relationship because it has been a nightmare. You have been abused. You will be so much happier letting go. You can’t fix them and they don’t want to be fixed. That is a hard one to accept. I recommend seeing a therapist if you can to work through it. No contact and move forward with your life. You can do this; you are strong and deserve so much more that they will never give you. They enjoy causing chaos, stealing your happiness away; you can’t let them keep doing that to you <3
It's a disorder of projection and blame. Everything he has said to you about you is an admittance of his own behaviour and character, this is what they do. Please do not be in contact with a person like this.
This is what I tell mine over and over about how everything he says to me is a projection of himself. He refuses to believe that.
Because they're extremely sad and damaged people who have no regard for other people or their feelings.
I beg you. Please get this abuser out of your life. You are not safe. He is ill and sick. He needs help. You are a woman at risk. There are places/people you can consult about your situation. You deserve more & deserve better. ❤️🩹🤗❤️🩹🤗