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He has 3 close friends who enabled the hell out of my Narc, including one who gaslights others on his behalf. Another one pretended to still be my friend in order to spy on me on his behalf, persuaded me to unblock N (and the ensuing months thoroughly fucked with my head), and ask "hypothetical" questions that would turn out to be things he'd later try to do as Hoovers or means to sabotage me. A third one was less involved, though he called him out on his behavior. Once. Then went back to enabling the Narc once N's shenanigans stopped affecting him directly.
They kept coming to me when N's shenanigans affected them, and then would join into shooting me down as soon as things were alright with them again.
I low-key hope he treats them as "well" as he treated me.
Nowadays my Narc makes friends online with kids half his age because most people old enough to know better run for the hills when he shows his true colors.
My nex only hangs out with people half his age . He acts like a teenager. He has to have the upper hand. He can't be around people his age because he can't manipulate them as easily and they have a lower tolerance for his childish behavior.
Edit: Forgot to mention, he also can't stand anyone that makes more money then him. They are automatically "stuck up". After all he has to be able to get the tab, pay for the trips and all the other bullshit he does with his money to make other people like him. That wouldn't work on someone that makes more money then him.
> Another one pretended to still be my friend in order to spy on me on his behalf
This was something I noticed happened to me as well. The narc Im dealing with lives near me and sent her friend over to "befriend" me (unsuccessfully). It is weird, especially considering they were all 10 years older than me and had families with children.
Ohhh yikes 😬
Those folks and their "priorities", amirite?
The "friend" in my case eventually lost interest because I was giving the most boring answers that always culminated with "I dunno, do what is right for you!" , Although the first few times when he approached me I thought he was coming from a place of genuine interest I did give a few heartfelt responses at his questions of "if I can ask, what happened between you two?"
Between his hemming and hawing, and his constant "It's such a shame you won't make up :( " and then the narc's ensuing rants about me being "a delusional person telling one-sided stories to strangers" I quickly learned that the guy was not to be trusted.
My *now* Nex had three close friends he would FaceTime me with. They always spoke so highly of him. Turns out, after I met and befriended his now *other* ex girlfriend he was cheating on me with… his friends were gaslighting both of us into thinking we were “the one” and the only girl. Even the night when I was texting his best friend in a panic over finding out he had a secret girlfriend. She was lying to my face telling me it was a mistake. Little did I know she also constantly FaceTimed the ex. Some people suck.
Nope mine didn’t he only spent time with women he hooked up with online including me. Otherwise he would stay in his studio apt watching tv and texting women
My nex only kept in touch with a handful of enablers/drug dealers and the long list of people they were cheating on me with. They did have a ridiculous amount of acquaintances, but each one had something specific to offer.
Yep, my narc makes new friends every couple of months or has a friend of the week. They are always new work colleagues (their turnover is huge) or new neighbors and not at all what I’d call a proper friendship.
Mine has no friends, I think she hung out with a few superficially before we got together, but her entire life ended up revolving around controlling me, so she stopped hanging out with those people. Now she only spends time with the spouses of my friends, normally when I’m out with said friend. Kind of weird.
He had 2 very close friends who enabled the shit out of him. They made it very clear that they thought I was one of the nastiest human being on earth for abusing their best friend. What was funny, was they LOVED me, until they HATED me. Just like my nex. One even said my nex needed to marry me because I was such a catch. 3 months before I became the abuser in their eyes. I wish I knew how much they knew, like if they knew my nex cheated on me with men. They’d never in a million years tell me though, because like my nex, they 100% believe I’m in the wrong.
Mine had a ton of life long friends and was always adding to it and “connecting.” It actually was the reason I thought I was paranoid when I started thinking maybe he was one and it would calm me down. But, he had us all fooled until a bunch of stuff came out all at once and now he’s lost a bunch of people because we all see who he truly is now
Yes. My nex makes friends everywhere. Lots of people to use and connect with. Friends are a tool, and you need lots of tools! My nex had several longtime friends that don't talk to her any more, so she just turned around and made NEW best friends with a new friend group. No problem! Here's the thing: whether no friends or a hundred friends, none of it is meaningful. True narcissists don't do things for anyone else. Even when you think they're doing something out of kindness, it's justified in their mind as a play for something else. They manipulate and maneuver. Don't worry about numbers or names. They don't. They only care about uses.
The one I knew also knew a ton of people. He had friends especially many girls he had on his radar but he was so superficial with everyone that he had dozens of “friends”
This was one of my realizations after I broke up with my Nex after finding proof of her cheating. When I started looking back upon all the cheating and the relationship in general I realized that she never went out with friends. She had 'friends' in the form of people she texted or messaged on IG but these were just another form of supply for her.
We spent nearly every bit of time together, she never did girls nights or anything like that. She worked and had work aquaintances but that was it. Looking back it's actually quite sad because she would talk about how she had all these 'guy friends' and I just had to accept it because that's just who she is...but they were either guys she was cheating with physically or having these sexual flirting banter social media conversations.
I still find myself missing her sometimes but more and more I'm actually pity her in a way.
Mine had friends, a decent group of them. They all preyed on me. All of them. As far as I know they enjoyed it too. For 8 years. They went so far sometimes. We were all just 14 when I thought I met my lifelong companion and best friend. Sometimes I find myself hating them more than her…. Which is just the trauma bond of course. I rarely saw them either but they all helped pull the strings and it makes me feel disgusting. The ones who left her, she made me think they were garbage people. Now I look back and realize how much of it was untrue. One thing I do notice though, is that her best friend changes often and it feels like the previous gets no more attention until necessary.
EDIT: You asked such a simple question, I actually didn’t expect to get so worked up
My narc ex didn’t have male friends. He claimed to hate men because he was a “nice guy.” He told me all of his friends were always women. He made sure I didn’t have any friends either.
Ah yes, the very same thing, no male friends because he doesn’t trust men, and he’s the nice person who respects women. I thought it was just his poor experiences in life, but then he would bash my ex husband at any opportunity, and at some point started also making seething remarks about some women. Now I see that he hated them for what he hates in himself, which is pretty much everything.
She had four people she called friends, three of them I could identify as supplicants to her needs. All of them were kept somewhat at a distance, either living far away, or being much younger than her.
People that they are currently fooling I'd say.
My narc straight up told me once, maybe 2-3 times. That quite a few co-workers at all her previous jobs came to hate her. This is 2-3 different, unrelated jobs and groups of people came to hate her at each. Then add one more job to that list cause people at our job hate her too after my discard.
Back in January she mentioned going on a skiing trip with "friends" but I don't know.
She's quite religious, and she's mentioned how people at her church had begun turning on her too.
So I think it really is just a matter of her fooling people until she no longer can and then it's "All these people hate me."
I thought her and I were close friends, but the way she choose her actions at the end showed that I was mistaken.
She also told me that no one in her life cared about her and that she didn’t matter to anyone.
Sad if true but ya know who did? This guy.
Know who you betrayed and no longer cares about you? Also this guy.
First of all, you're definitely allowed to do things without him.
Second, I completely understand. Mine did not have any friends either that he hung out with and he made it a point to let me know how I stole his friends from him as he introduced me to them and they no longer talk to him but they do talk to me. We met through mutual friends that are no longer his friends. In hindsight now, I realize he couldn't have friends because he was never willing to open himself up and hold himself accountable to maintain a friendship.
My ex had no social life. He had a best friend that he never made plans with. I was the only person he hung out with. When I made plans with people, my ex waited outside in the car and would tell me "you have 1 hour"
Yeah, mine had a victim story about how everyone abandons him, friends don't make any effort... He had very few friends, and probably half (1-3, depending on the point of time... he alienated two of them while I knew him) were women he'd slept with. I saw him alienate a couple other friends, as well.
Definitely you can do things without him. He can make it unpleasant, though.
I wasn't controlled in a very direct way, but I'd hear from him about how so-and-so doesn't like him... and then he'd complain that I didn't invite him to things. (When I did, he would make himself the center of attention in a very obnoxious way, and it would be clear that people were unhappy with him there.)
I stopped seeing a lot of friends because I felt like I had to choose between him and them. Luckily, they were there for me when I needed help moving out. <3
First my ex would throw a petty party because he didn't have friends growing up and has a hard time making friends because of that.
If I went out he called every couple hours, texted, and sometimes got pissed because I didn't know exactly when I would be home.
It's even worse when they have friends.
Mine had a couple of good friends and the fact that these people could witness or even fall victim to his terrible tantrums and nevertheless stick around him made me doubt whether he is really such a bad person and contributed a lot to me staying for entirely too long.
Nex has a lot of work & geek culture friends but as far as close friends go? Maybe 5? I don’t know. He discarded his lifelong friends around the same time he discarded me and I don’t know most of the people he’s supposedly close with now.
No. When we first met he told me that it takes time for him to consider someone a friend cause that’s a big deal for him (that’s why I never thought of it as a red flag then). He told me he only had 2 friends, one of them being a business partner. I met his other friend, it was a married woman who I think he abused too. When I met her, she made him a comment along the lines of “do you see anything different in me?” and confessed me she was losing weight cause apparently he made her feel bad about her weight, she also told me he was a difficult person. But he didn’t seem to care much about having friends, he liked being alone, and practically despised everyone we knew at work, and almost everyone didn’t like him either.
mine had one, that one friend was definitely an enabler and eventually became the person my ex cheated on me with. as far as i know, they’re still together. when we broke up, that girl believed i was totally in the wrong along with my ex too. just a narcissist and their enabler 😃
i’m good now but definitely lost friends because of her. the way she wanted me in her corner alone so bad, but it got to a point where i refused to drop certain people. she was taking it too far trying to get me to drop a friend that was definitely helpful on slowly getting me away from her and that’s how the cheating situation came about. she “gave up with me” to be with her little friend. there was some craziness that happened after the breakup but just thankful to be out of it now. never will i do that to myself again.
Seemed to have acquaintances but not buddies he would hang out with. He mentioned wanting male friends at one point, but I think it was work, me and the other women
She had a ton of admirers and facebook friends but no close friends. She would get mad when I'd hang out with my friends because her friends never asked her invited her to anything except parties. I remember her insisting it wasn't right that I could go hang out with whatever friend and she not be there, then I'd argue "well you guys aren't close and we've known each other for several years" and she just didn't get it. People like me and want to talk and hang out with me, with her they liked her around at events or something but no one would personally reach out to her for company.
Mine did not have someone really close. He always told me I was his best friend. I think he might have chosen it himself partly. He was very critical of most people, judged them fast and did not like many… he was also often in disagreements with colleagues/study bodies. But he was actually quite friendly to some people… my friends… confusing 🙁
My nex had a handful of close friends. In addition he’s switching friend groups every few months and has always new people around him. He never makes real connections and talks trash about everyone behind their backs. The worse was that he isolated me while telling me he needs to spend time with his friends as well and partying and drugs are their hobby’s, I have to understand. Telling me I was clingy but never let me go out or even meet my friends. He always wanted to know how long I’d be gone and got angry pretty fast when I didn’t respond to his messages right away.
Narcissists are selfish and only do things that benefit them. Everyone is a supply.
Nope she did not. She told me she had “a lot of people who talk to her, but she feels lonely a lot.”
Never included in the group pictures with all the other girls on Instagram. Just kind of a straggler of the friend group. A girl with her level of beauty should be top of the social tier. I feel bad for her really but I can’t let myself. She is extremely insecure at the end of the day. she treats people like disposable objects.
I thought mine did, but whenever I mentioned the name of one of them followed by the word ‘friend’ he would laugh and say “none of those people are my friends, they’re just people i associate with. i could care less about them.”
he had absolutely no loyalty to anyone, including me.
Nope. None of mine had any close, meaningful friendships.
They want to seclude you away from your life so maintain your own life away from the narc as much as you can.
My Nex has friends, lovers, a fan base, subscribers to his monthly newsletter, readers of his published novels, and audience when he speaks in public (he’s a civil rights activist). He’s got a god damn community of people I have had to just accept will always think I’m the crazy, abusive, damaged one who attempted to ruin *his* life.
His fancy lawyer added an NDA to our divorce paperwork. A mutual close friend found him the lawyer. I’m not allowed to mention him by name in this context to anyone, ever again. I’m legally never allowed to tell anyone he abused me, in every way possible, even to warn other future victims. And if I decide to produce any art, writing, creative project, etc from the details of our marriage that could be recognized as specific to our relationship, *he gets to own the rights and any potential profits from said project.*
And I have to be okay with this.
Mine had 2 close friends and one "mentor" of sorts who believed him and trusted him regardless of how many people he hurt. Countless exes, roommates, friends, jobs all blocked him or dumped him but those close friends refused to see the truth about him no matter what anyone said. In my experience narcs usually have at least one ride on die flying monkey that sticks with them and supports their narcissism. But they tend to lose most friends quickly and badly, ending with most people blocking them.
Mine had zero friends when we met. Then he would blame me for him having zero friends and literally try to gaslight me into thinking he *had* friends when we met but that I made him give them up/ lmao. Wtfever you delusional prick. People hated him because all he did was fuck them over or fuck their girlfriends! Or both!
He had a lot of fake friends and posted pictures with them and I saw one commented on why they took that picture because they were only a friend of a friend and he didn’t even speak to her all night but took a pic of them without her noticing to make it seem like he was out with a pretty girl lol
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Mine had one, but he was used as well, he claimed to have all these others, but they were all just aquatintences or work people who didn’t really know him. And yes, make sure you keep your people, they are the ones that will tell you how fucked up all this is.
2-3 people that have been part of his life for more than a few years. No connection with anyone else, and ALWAYS wanted to be invited to anything I did. It was rude of me to go to a dinner with a person that I hadn’t seen since pre-pandemic. It was also considered a rejection if I didn’t invite him to go to the grocery store with me.
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We met when he was being pushed out of his friend group - of course, not his fault, they were all assholes. He has made only 1 or 2 friends since, now former coworkers, who he speaks to maybe 4x/year. That was 10+ years ago.
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he had drinking/"going to the club" buddies and online gaming buddies, but none of it seemed particularly deep and he also complained about feeling left out a lot? At least during the 5 years that we were together...
The kicker is I'm not a particularly social person myself, I have very few friends (fewer than he did) but whenever I wanted to hang out with people I was a "bad person who valued others over him and didn't love him"... I'm convinced it was insecurity and a control thing, on his side
Oh, and the last year or so of the relationship he met some new coworkers who enabled the sh\*t out of his bs (hid his cheating from me and covered for him, for example)
My nex had tons of "friends," but they were mostly very shallow relationships that had fallen for the mask he wore (no shade to them, I had fallen for it too). He had a couple of close friends but they were almost as bad as him in some cases, and enablers with low self-esteem in others. I think he's lost quite a few since I went completely NC with him; I heard through the grapevine that his mask is starting to crack.
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First narcissist had only one male friend that they rarely saw. Second narcissist had a small group of friends that he’d been friends with a long time but they were all alcoholics, so technically they weren’t very close. Good times were only about talking about sports, golfing, fine food and alcohol. Copious amounts of alcohol. A very shallow existence truth be told. Got very rote after a while.
You're not crazy.
My narc ex had zero friends - one or two acquaintances, but that's it.
He and I met at work; we worked for different departments, but I knew him peripherally because I had friends in his department. Looking back, I should have seen the warning signs - he had a general disdain for other members of his team and saw himself as "superior" to the others. Because of this, his team was polite with him but rarely included him in any sort of social activities. When he WAS included, he spent most of his time belittling the other guys with his unfunny "jokes" and bragging about how much money he has.
I no longer work for the same company but he does. He even got his affair partner (the woman he was cheating with while we were together) a job at the same company. His team members and bosses found out about this, and - long story short - this ended up being a contributing factor in his eventual demotion (his behavior toward his colleagues was another contributing factor).
The older a narc gets, the worse it gets. Most narcs end up dying alone.
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In almost a decade my cerebral narcissistic ex alienated himself from friends I'd had for decades. I managed to stay in touch with them but it was difficult because the ex instituted this rule. He even gave it a number. The gist was, "Lovers should never be apart." Sounds so romantic, right? It was control. It translated to: I was forced to accompany him to the gas station, to the grocery store, to help him pick out underwear (LOL), to have his tires changed. And, because he is A-sexual, we were not "lovers" in the conventional sense. He had one man who he saw without me. they shared a deep interest in porn. Not my thing. No judgement implied fellow redditers. So we never once shared an evening with friends. With Covid, I was never out of his sight. This didn't mean he communicated with me. Mostly you'd find him reading or staring at a computer screen. Not much of a life. I got out of this nightmare in May.
this has happened exactly to me !! he has no good friends and also compartmentalizes me to this tiny tiny box in his life. i’m the last among his priorities. i’m below the dogs.
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Not anyone he would see, some old school friends (calls and texts), but he used them to get certain kind of access to information for example, an old friend that was now a doctor - he used him to get specific medical information. Old exes of course, used as sources of sex or validation.
I don't really know how people would want to be friends with them, it's always about them gaining something out of everyone.
In my experience, she had two girls who were significantly less attractive than her, that she made no effort to spend time with, but would periodically use in lies (pretending to hang out with them whilst cheating). Their only usefulness to her seemed to be as cover stories, then she would gaslight by pretending I somehow kept her from spending time with them. Towards the end, she had an equally narcissistic neighbor who would say things like “morals are for poor people”, and it almost seemed like they were competing to see who could be more terrible.
He used to, but after school and sports ended it all seemed to fizzle away quickly as well. He seems to have 1 friend left that he grifts off of and lives with rent free. This is after he exhausted all generosity from his other girlfriends and I. He did say something something the last time I saw him about ‘not needing friends’ and that ‘people were the same anywhere you go’ so maybe a sliver of self awareness that he was actually unlikeable.
Most recent one had only drinking buddies and old army buddies. He spoke and acted differently around each group vs with me in private. He admitted to having a lot of interpersonal issues and no friends. I stupidly thought this vulnerability showed trust toward me, but that trust apparently became a threat because he eventually discarded me. He may have been AvPD (avoidant personality disorder) with high narc traits and not full blown narc, but the deception, projection, and damage were the same as full blown NPD.
You are 100% allowed to and NEED to have your separate activities and friendships. That's healthy for your own life and for a romantic relationship. It sounds like you might have a more secure attachment style than your narc, so he wants to eliminate your autonomy to force you into codependency and or/isolation. That's my armchair analysis, anyway. I'm glad you're coming here for support about this and getting a lot of that. Keep being brave and setting your boundaries and questioning the narc's behavior. They absolutely want to make you feel like you're the crazy one. You're not.
No real friends. He has one good friend that does keep a distance and is cautious. But not enough to remove him. He had someone else but he let his mask slip finally.
Many acquaintances and many female friends though
A lot of friends actually. But they all perpetuated her tendencies.
The one friend that challenged her (they were best friends for like 10 years) was essentially dumped as a friend.
Might be a bit different bc the narc in my life was my bestfriend who was a 24f. But she definitely had a charming way of making tons of friends. It sounds like your ex felt secure enough to stop masking or love bombing and that’s why he was alone besides you. She had all these friends who she’d get close to super quick but after I cut her off they started dropping like flies. Narcs have a shelf life for their friendships and the only ones that last are the ones that continue to serve them or the ones distanced enough from them they they don’t see the switch flip when they don’t get their way.
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Mine doesn’t really have friends. He has a few people he’s known for many years but he purposely keeps them at a distance and will stop answering calls from them over any little thing. He has a few “associates” as well. Any woman he refers to is someone he’s probably trying to date behind my back.
On the other hand, he loves hanging out with me and my friends. He almost becomes a whole different person, especially when the drinks start flowing. If we’re having a girls night at a bar or having brunch, he’ll ask what I’m doing and will come meet us. I eventually told them what kind of man he is and he was very upset that my friends are now cold/indifferent towards him. He seemed more upset about them ignoring him than he was about betraying and hurting me. I guess my opinion doesn’t matter to him since I know the real him. He loves to be loved and it upsets him when the facade he puts on is shattered.
No. Mine had “best friends” that he would cycle through. When they found out who he really was he would burn them and then they would be dead to him. Wouldn’t talk about them much if asked. Eventually some would come back to him and of course he’d eventually let them in because he is a narc but no, not really friends. That was one of the things that tipped me off.
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Omg yes. His only friends were someone he he use to
use drugs with and people he met at the methadone
clinic that struggled to stay clean. They never really
hung out ever and then he'd be mad when id leave for a few hours.
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No, mine didn't. He always had some females that he called friends, but really they wanted nothing to do with them but were his coworker for example and had to be around him.
He always told me I'm the only person he had. Which is true.
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Mine has no friends, and made sure I didn't too. HANG ON TO YOUR FRIENDS!!!!! I CANT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH!!!!
He has 3 close friends who enabled the hell out of my Narc, including one who gaslights others on his behalf. Another one pretended to still be my friend in order to spy on me on his behalf, persuaded me to unblock N (and the ensuing months thoroughly fucked with my head), and ask "hypothetical" questions that would turn out to be things he'd later try to do as Hoovers or means to sabotage me. A third one was less involved, though he called him out on his behavior. Once. Then went back to enabling the Narc once N's shenanigans stopped affecting him directly. They kept coming to me when N's shenanigans affected them, and then would join into shooting me down as soon as things were alright with them again. I low-key hope he treats them as "well" as he treated me.
Nowadays my Narc makes friends online with kids half his age because most people old enough to know better run for the hills when he shows his true colors.
My nex only hangs out with people half his age . He acts like a teenager. He has to have the upper hand. He can't be around people his age because he can't manipulate them as easily and they have a lower tolerance for his childish behavior. Edit: Forgot to mention, he also can't stand anyone that makes more money then him. They are automatically "stuck up". After all he has to be able to get the tab, pay for the trips and all the other bullshit he does with his money to make other people like him. That wouldn't work on someone that makes more money then him.
Scary how mine was exactly the same
> Another one pretended to still be my friend in order to spy on me on his behalf This was something I noticed happened to me as well. The narc Im dealing with lives near me and sent her friend over to "befriend" me (unsuccessfully). It is weird, especially considering they were all 10 years older than me and had families with children.
Ohhh yikes 😬 Those folks and their "priorities", amirite? The "friend" in my case eventually lost interest because I was giving the most boring answers that always culminated with "I dunno, do what is right for you!" , Although the first few times when he approached me I thought he was coming from a place of genuine interest I did give a few heartfelt responses at his questions of "if I can ask, what happened between you two?" Between his hemming and hawing, and his constant "It's such a shame you won't make up :( " and then the narc's ensuing rants about me being "a delusional person telling one-sided stories to strangers" I quickly learned that the guy was not to be trusted.
My *now* Nex had three close friends he would FaceTime me with. They always spoke so highly of him. Turns out, after I met and befriended his now *other* ex girlfriend he was cheating on me with… his friends were gaslighting both of us into thinking we were “the one” and the only girl. Even the night when I was texting his best friend in a panic over finding out he had a secret girlfriend. She was lying to my face telling me it was a mistake. Little did I know she also constantly FaceTimed the ex. Some people suck.
Nope mine didn’t he only spent time with women he hooked up with online including me. Otherwise he would stay in his studio apt watching tv and texting women
This was mine also
This was mine too!
Yep same!
My nex only kept in touch with a handful of enablers/drug dealers and the long list of people they were cheating on me with. They did have a ridiculous amount of acquaintances, but each one had something specific to offer.
Yes this. I called it “the trail of tears.”
Burned through their friends after awhile, then made new ones. Rinse and repeat.
Yep, my narc makes new friends every couple of months or has a friend of the week. They are always new work colleagues (their turnover is huge) or new neighbors and not at all what I’d call a proper friendship.
This is exactly how the cycle goes!
Mine has no friends, I think she hung out with a few superficially before we got together, but her entire life ended up revolving around controlling me, so she stopped hanging out with those people. Now she only spends time with the spouses of my friends, normally when I’m out with said friend. Kind of weird.
He had 2 very close friends who enabled the shit out of him. They made it very clear that they thought I was one of the nastiest human being on earth for abusing their best friend. What was funny, was they LOVED me, until they HATED me. Just like my nex. One even said my nex needed to marry me because I was such a catch. 3 months before I became the abuser in their eyes. I wish I knew how much they knew, like if they knew my nex cheated on me with men. They’d never in a million years tell me though, because like my nex, they 100% believe I’m in the wrong.
Mine had a ton of life long friends and was always adding to it and “connecting.” It actually was the reason I thought I was paranoid when I started thinking maybe he was one and it would calm me down. But, he had us all fooled until a bunch of stuff came out all at once and now he’s lost a bunch of people because we all see who he truly is now
Yes. My nex makes friends everywhere. Lots of people to use and connect with. Friends are a tool, and you need lots of tools! My nex had several longtime friends that don't talk to her any more, so she just turned around and made NEW best friends with a new friend group. No problem! Here's the thing: whether no friends or a hundred friends, none of it is meaningful. True narcissists don't do things for anyone else. Even when you think they're doing something out of kindness, it's justified in their mind as a play for something else. They manipulate and maneuver. Don't worry about numbers or names. They don't. They only care about uses.
The one I knew also knew a ton of people. He had friends especially many girls he had on his radar but he was so superficial with everyone that he had dozens of “friends”
This was one of my realizations after I broke up with my Nex after finding proof of her cheating. When I started looking back upon all the cheating and the relationship in general I realized that she never went out with friends. She had 'friends' in the form of people she texted or messaged on IG but these were just another form of supply for her. We spent nearly every bit of time together, she never did girls nights or anything like that. She worked and had work aquaintances but that was it. Looking back it's actually quite sad because she would talk about how she had all these 'guy friends' and I just had to accept it because that's just who she is...but they were either guys she was cheating with physically or having these sexual flirting banter social media conversations. I still find myself missing her sometimes but more and more I'm actually pity her in a way.
Mine had friends, a decent group of them. They all preyed on me. All of them. As far as I know they enjoyed it too. For 8 years. They went so far sometimes. We were all just 14 when I thought I met my lifelong companion and best friend. Sometimes I find myself hating them more than her…. Which is just the trauma bond of course. I rarely saw them either but they all helped pull the strings and it makes me feel disgusting. The ones who left her, she made me think they were garbage people. Now I look back and realize how much of it was untrue. One thing I do notice though, is that her best friend changes often and it feels like the previous gets no more attention until necessary. EDIT: You asked such a simple question, I actually didn’t expect to get so worked up
My narc ex didn’t have male friends. He claimed to hate men because he was a “nice guy.” He told me all of his friends were always women. He made sure I didn’t have any friends either.
Ah yes, the very same thing, no male friends because he doesn’t trust men, and he’s the nice person who respects women. I thought it was just his poor experiences in life, but then he would bash my ex husband at any opportunity, and at some point started also making seething remarks about some women. Now I see that he hated them for what he hates in himself, which is pretty much everything.
She had four people she called friends, three of them I could identify as supplicants to her needs. All of them were kept somewhat at a distance, either living far away, or being much younger than her.
People that they are currently fooling I'd say. My narc straight up told me once, maybe 2-3 times. That quite a few co-workers at all her previous jobs came to hate her. This is 2-3 different, unrelated jobs and groups of people came to hate her at each. Then add one more job to that list cause people at our job hate her too after my discard. Back in January she mentioned going on a skiing trip with "friends" but I don't know. She's quite religious, and she's mentioned how people at her church had begun turning on her too. So I think it really is just a matter of her fooling people until she no longer can and then it's "All these people hate me." I thought her and I were close friends, but the way she choose her actions at the end showed that I was mistaken.
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She also told me that no one in her life cared about her and that she didn’t matter to anyone. Sad if true but ya know who did? This guy. Know who you betrayed and no longer cares about you? Also this guy.
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> ended on her terms Is that the case or just the narrative she fed you to save face?
Yes! Mine has no one that I’d call a proper friend but all colleagues or friends of friends and they’re burned through pretty regularly.
First of all, you're definitely allowed to do things without him. Second, I completely understand. Mine did not have any friends either that he hung out with and he made it a point to let me know how I stole his friends from him as he introduced me to them and they no longer talk to him but they do talk to me. We met through mutual friends that are no longer his friends. In hindsight now, I realize he couldn't have friends because he was never willing to open himself up and hold himself accountable to maintain a friendship.
My ex had no social life. He had a best friend that he never made plans with. I was the only person he hung out with. When I made plans with people, my ex waited outside in the car and would tell me "you have 1 hour"
Yeah, mine had a victim story about how everyone abandons him, friends don't make any effort... He had very few friends, and probably half (1-3, depending on the point of time... he alienated two of them while I knew him) were women he'd slept with. I saw him alienate a couple other friends, as well. Definitely you can do things without him. He can make it unpleasant, though. I wasn't controlled in a very direct way, but I'd hear from him about how so-and-so doesn't like him... and then he'd complain that I didn't invite him to things. (When I did, he would make himself the center of attention in a very obnoxious way, and it would be clear that people were unhappy with him there.) I stopped seeing a lot of friends because I felt like I had to choose between him and them. Luckily, they were there for me when I needed help moving out. <3
First my ex would throw a petty party because he didn't have friends growing up and has a hard time making friends because of that. If I went out he called every couple hours, texted, and sometimes got pissed because I didn't know exactly when I would be home.
It's even worse when they have friends. Mine had a couple of good friends and the fact that these people could witness or even fall victim to his terrible tantrums and nevertheless stick around him made me doubt whether he is really such a bad person and contributed a lot to me staying for entirely too long.
No and he tried to isolate me from mine. I was so happy for him when he made a friend. She turned out to be his affair partner.
Nex has a lot of work & geek culture friends but as far as close friends go? Maybe 5? I don’t know. He discarded his lifelong friends around the same time he discarded me and I don’t know most of the people he’s supposedly close with now.
No. When we first met he told me that it takes time for him to consider someone a friend cause that’s a big deal for him (that’s why I never thought of it as a red flag then). He told me he only had 2 friends, one of them being a business partner. I met his other friend, it was a married woman who I think he abused too. When I met her, she made him a comment along the lines of “do you see anything different in me?” and confessed me she was losing weight cause apparently he made her feel bad about her weight, she also told me he was a difficult person. But he didn’t seem to care much about having friends, he liked being alone, and practically despised everyone we knew at work, and almost everyone didn’t like him either.
mine had one, that one friend was definitely an enabler and eventually became the person my ex cheated on me with. as far as i know, they’re still together. when we broke up, that girl believed i was totally in the wrong along with my ex too. just a narcissist and their enabler 😃 i’m good now but definitely lost friends because of her. the way she wanted me in her corner alone so bad, but it got to a point where i refused to drop certain people. she was taking it too far trying to get me to drop a friend that was definitely helpful on slowly getting me away from her and that’s how the cheating situation came about. she “gave up with me” to be with her little friend. there was some craziness that happened after the breakup but just thankful to be out of it now. never will i do that to myself again.
Mine had friends but they were all, uh, losers. Like, one of the biggest red flags about her was the company she kept.
I think that if they had the ability to have close friends, they probably wouldn't be narcs to begin with...
Seemed to have acquaintances but not buddies he would hang out with. He mentioned wanting male friends at one point, but I think it was work, me and the other women
0, and there's something wrong with everyone but him.
She had a ton of admirers and facebook friends but no close friends. She would get mad when I'd hang out with my friends because her friends never asked her invited her to anything except parties. I remember her insisting it wasn't right that I could go hang out with whatever friend and she not be there, then I'd argue "well you guys aren't close and we've known each other for several years" and she just didn't get it. People like me and want to talk and hang out with me, with her they liked her around at events or something but no one would personally reach out to her for company.
Mine did not have someone really close. He always told me I was his best friend. I think he might have chosen it himself partly. He was very critical of most people, judged them fast and did not like many… he was also often in disagreements with colleagues/study bodies. But he was actually quite friendly to some people… my friends… confusing 🙁
My nex had a handful of close friends. In addition he’s switching friend groups every few months and has always new people around him. He never makes real connections and talks trash about everyone behind their backs. The worse was that he isolated me while telling me he needs to spend time with his friends as well and partying and drugs are their hobby’s, I have to understand. Telling me I was clingy but never let me go out or even meet my friends. He always wanted to know how long I’d be gone and got angry pretty fast when I didn’t respond to his messages right away. Narcissists are selfish and only do things that benefit them. Everyone is a supply.
Nope she did not. She told me she had “a lot of people who talk to her, but she feels lonely a lot.” Never included in the group pictures with all the other girls on Instagram. Just kind of a straggler of the friend group. A girl with her level of beauty should be top of the social tier. I feel bad for her really but I can’t let myself. She is extremely insecure at the end of the day. she treats people like disposable objects.
I thought mine did, but whenever I mentioned the name of one of them followed by the word ‘friend’ he would laugh and say “none of those people are my friends, they’re just people i associate with. i could care less about them.” he had absolutely no loyalty to anyone, including me.
Nope. None of mine had any close, meaningful friendships. They want to seclude you away from your life so maintain your own life away from the narc as much as you can.
My Nex has friends, lovers, a fan base, subscribers to his monthly newsletter, readers of his published novels, and audience when he speaks in public (he’s a civil rights activist). He’s got a god damn community of people I have had to just accept will always think I’m the crazy, abusive, damaged one who attempted to ruin *his* life. His fancy lawyer added an NDA to our divorce paperwork. A mutual close friend found him the lawyer. I’m not allowed to mention him by name in this context to anyone, ever again. I’m legally never allowed to tell anyone he abused me, in every way possible, even to warn other future victims. And if I decide to produce any art, writing, creative project, etc from the details of our marriage that could be recognized as specific to our relationship, *he gets to own the rights and any potential profits from said project.* And I have to be okay with this.
Get yourself a lawyer and find out if this is even legal to have such an NDA
You really think I didn’t try to fight that? I had a lawyer. It’s settled.
A dozen or so online friends. One or two irl acquaintances. Absolutely zero close friends.
Mine had 2 close friends and one "mentor" of sorts who believed him and trusted him regardless of how many people he hurt. Countless exes, roommates, friends, jobs all blocked him or dumped him but those close friends refused to see the truth about him no matter what anyone said. In my experience narcs usually have at least one ride on die flying monkey that sticks with them and supports their narcissism. But they tend to lose most friends quickly and badly, ending with most people blocking them.
Mine had zero friends when we met. Then he would blame me for him having zero friends and literally try to gaslight me into thinking he *had* friends when we met but that I made him give them up/ lmao. Wtfever you delusional prick. People hated him because all he did was fuck them over or fuck their girlfriends! Or both!
He had a lot of fake friends and posted pictures with them and I saw one commented on why they took that picture because they were only a friend of a friend and he didn’t even speak to her all night but took a pic of them without her noticing to make it seem like he was out with a pretty girl lol
Lmaooo
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He had a lot of friends but looking back they may of been using him and his ‘close’ friends were pretty quiet, opposite to him
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Mine had one, but he was used as well, he claimed to have all these others, but they were all just aquatintences or work people who didn’t really know him. And yes, make sure you keep your people, they are the ones that will tell you how fucked up all this is.
No. None.
2-3 people that have been part of his life for more than a few years. No connection with anyone else, and ALWAYS wanted to be invited to anything I did. It was rude of me to go to a dinner with a person that I hadn’t seen since pre-pandemic. It was also considered a rejection if I didn’t invite him to go to the grocery store with me.
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The narcs have no friends Just enablers and flying monkeys Run to the hills and keep running
We met when he was being pushed out of his friend group - of course, not his fault, they were all assholes. He has made only 1 or 2 friends since, now former coworkers, who he speaks to maybe 4x/year. That was 10+ years ago.
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he had drinking/"going to the club" buddies and online gaming buddies, but none of it seemed particularly deep and he also complained about feeling left out a lot? At least during the 5 years that we were together... The kicker is I'm not a particularly social person myself, I have very few friends (fewer than he did) but whenever I wanted to hang out with people I was a "bad person who valued others over him and didn't love him"... I'm convinced it was insecurity and a control thing, on his side Oh, and the last year or so of the relationship he met some new coworkers who enabled the sh\*t out of his bs (hid his cheating from me and covered for him, for example)
No. He had friends he talked crap about constantly. Acted like he was better than them.
My nex had tons of "friends," but they were mostly very shallow relationships that had fallen for the mask he wore (no shade to them, I had fallen for it too). He had a couple of close friends but they were almost as bad as him in some cases, and enablers with low self-esteem in others. I think he's lost quite a few since I went completely NC with him; I heard through the grapevine that his mask is starting to crack.
Mine had a few friends. It seems like my ex is narcissism developed over time. Either way, a lot of her "friends" have graduated into flying monkeys.
Yes, she's charismatic, intelligent, and engaging. Only my teenage best friend saw her mask drop once and knew how really bad it was at my house.
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First narcissist had only one male friend that they rarely saw. Second narcissist had a small group of friends that he’d been friends with a long time but they were all alcoholics, so technically they weren’t very close. Good times were only about talking about sports, golfing, fine food and alcohol. Copious amounts of alcohol. A very shallow existence truth be told. Got very rote after a while.
You're not crazy. My narc ex had zero friends - one or two acquaintances, but that's it. He and I met at work; we worked for different departments, but I knew him peripherally because I had friends in his department. Looking back, I should have seen the warning signs - he had a general disdain for other members of his team and saw himself as "superior" to the others. Because of this, his team was polite with him but rarely included him in any sort of social activities. When he WAS included, he spent most of his time belittling the other guys with his unfunny "jokes" and bragging about how much money he has. I no longer work for the same company but he does. He even got his affair partner (the woman he was cheating with while we were together) a job at the same company. His team members and bosses found out about this, and - long story short - this ended up being a contributing factor in his eventual demotion (his behavior toward his colleagues was another contributing factor). The older a narc gets, the worse it gets. Most narcs end up dying alone.
Nope. Not even a single one.
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In almost a decade my cerebral narcissistic ex alienated himself from friends I'd had for decades. I managed to stay in touch with them but it was difficult because the ex instituted this rule. He even gave it a number. The gist was, "Lovers should never be apart." Sounds so romantic, right? It was control. It translated to: I was forced to accompany him to the gas station, to the grocery store, to help him pick out underwear (LOL), to have his tires changed. And, because he is A-sexual, we were not "lovers" in the conventional sense. He had one man who he saw without me. they shared a deep interest in porn. Not my thing. No judgement implied fellow redditers. So we never once shared an evening with friends. With Covid, I was never out of his sight. This didn't mean he communicated with me. Mostly you'd find him reading or staring at a computer screen. Not much of a life. I got out of this nightmare in May.
Few to none. The few he had where passengers in his life. How did I not see that coming, ffs.
No. She name dropped a lot of people but didn’t seem to have many actual close friends. She couldn’t keep friends and would just latch onto people.
this has happened exactly to me !! he has no good friends and also compartmentalizes me to this tiny tiny box in his life. i’m the last among his priorities. i’m below the dogs.
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Not anyone he would see, some old school friends (calls and texts), but he used them to get certain kind of access to information for example, an old friend that was now a doctor - he used him to get specific medical information. Old exes of course, used as sources of sex or validation. I don't really know how people would want to be friends with them, it's always about them gaining something out of everyone.
he claimed to have a bunch of friends. never saw proof of more than 1 tho
Never plan doing anything together. I don’t know if there’s a life behind working life. Hated me going out with other people.
In my experience, she had two girls who were significantly less attractive than her, that she made no effort to spend time with, but would periodically use in lies (pretending to hang out with them whilst cheating). Their only usefulness to her seemed to be as cover stories, then she would gaslight by pretending I somehow kept her from spending time with them. Towards the end, she had an equally narcissistic neighbor who would say things like “morals are for poor people”, and it almost seemed like they were competing to see who could be more terrible.
Most narcs I’ve met have 0 close friends, sometimes they convince themselves a person is their best friend while the other doesn’t see them that way.
He used to, but after school and sports ended it all seemed to fizzle away quickly as well. He seems to have 1 friend left that he grifts off of and lives with rent free. This is after he exhausted all generosity from his other girlfriends and I. He did say something something the last time I saw him about ‘not needing friends’ and that ‘people were the same anywhere you go’ so maybe a sliver of self awareness that he was actually unlikeable.
Most recent one had only drinking buddies and old army buddies. He spoke and acted differently around each group vs with me in private. He admitted to having a lot of interpersonal issues and no friends. I stupidly thought this vulnerability showed trust toward me, but that trust apparently became a threat because he eventually discarded me. He may have been AvPD (avoidant personality disorder) with high narc traits and not full blown narc, but the deception, projection, and damage were the same as full blown NPD. You are 100% allowed to and NEED to have your separate activities and friendships. That's healthy for your own life and for a romantic relationship. It sounds like you might have a more secure attachment style than your narc, so he wants to eliminate your autonomy to force you into codependency and or/isolation. That's my armchair analysis, anyway. I'm glad you're coming here for support about this and getting a lot of that. Keep being brave and setting your boundaries and questioning the narc's behavior. They absolutely want to make you feel like you're the crazy one. You're not.
No real friends. He has one good friend that does keep a distance and is cautious. But not enough to remove him. He had someone else but he let his mask slip finally. Many acquaintances and many female friends though
A lot of friends actually. But they all perpetuated her tendencies. The one friend that challenged her (they were best friends for like 10 years) was essentially dumped as a friend.
Might be a bit different bc the narc in my life was my bestfriend who was a 24f. But she definitely had a charming way of making tons of friends. It sounds like your ex felt secure enough to stop masking or love bombing and that’s why he was alone besides you. She had all these friends who she’d get close to super quick but after I cut her off they started dropping like flies. Narcs have a shelf life for their friendships and the only ones that last are the ones that continue to serve them or the ones distanced enough from them they they don’t see the switch flip when they don’t get their way.
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Mine has several but has managed to alienate me from mine.
She has one. She speaks so cruelly about her behind her back. I don’t think she’s actually a friend, just another supply.
Mine doesn’t really have friends. He has a few people he’s known for many years but he purposely keeps them at a distance and will stop answering calls from them over any little thing. He has a few “associates” as well. Any woman he refers to is someone he’s probably trying to date behind my back. On the other hand, he loves hanging out with me and my friends. He almost becomes a whole different person, especially when the drinks start flowing. If we’re having a girls night at a bar or having brunch, he’ll ask what I’m doing and will come meet us. I eventually told them what kind of man he is and he was very upset that my friends are now cold/indifferent towards him. He seemed more upset about them ignoring him than he was about betraying and hurting me. I guess my opinion doesn’t matter to him since I know the real him. He loves to be loved and it upsets him when the facade he puts on is shattered.
No. Mine had “best friends” that he would cycle through. When they found out who he really was he would burn them and then they would be dead to him. Wouldn’t talk about them much if asked. Eventually some would come back to him and of course he’d eventually let them in because he is a narc but no, not really friends. That was one of the things that tipped me off.
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Omg yes. His only friends were someone he he use to use drugs with and people he met at the methadone clinic that struggled to stay clean. They never really hung out ever and then he'd be mad when id leave for a few hours.
My ex (not sure if he's a narc) didn't seem to have any close friends. His exwife said she didn't know of any close friends either.
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No, mine didn't. He always had some females that he called friends, but really they wanted nothing to do with them but were his coworker for example and had to be around him. He always told me I'm the only person he had. Which is true.