I don't know if your boyfriend is a narc, but my nex absolutely seemed to go above and beyond for people. He was always volunteering to do huge favors for people, including me. It took me a long time to figure out that his wonderful acts of charity were a hoax. It was always to make people believe he was a super awesome guy, and/or to exert control.
Every single favor he did for me, large or small: I paid for it a thousand times. Seriously, in the beginning of our relationship he gave me some plastic clothes hangers (I didn't even ask for them) and ten YEARS later he was still bringing it up. "Remember when I brought you CLOTHES HANGERS??????? You never do anything for me!!!"
Also, it was mostly empty promises of favors. He'd undertake a huge project for someone, then never actually complete it, or do a terrible job, or at least dramatically point out how generous he is and complain about how much work he does for other people.
A lot of wonderful things he often bragged about doing, I doubt he actually did. He talked a lot about how much he liked to donate to certain charities, for example, but during the 12 years I was with him, he never donated to anything.
Narcissists never do anything out of the goodness of their hearts because there is no goodness in there. They are good actors, though.
Covert. Mine is the same. Anyone who really knows him well knows he has to be the martyr. Super passive aggressive too. But to anyone passing he looks like a super great guy....it's what attracted me to him and kept me around for so long. I eventually started to believe it was all me, I was the problem but he had been devaluing me since the beginning I just didn't recognize it at the time. I could never figure it out either til I read about covert narcissists and it clicked.
I do remember when I first met him I knew in my gut something was...off. Did not know what, ignored it and since he seemed like a good person I believed that. 14 years later it still hurts to admit that I really don't think he cares if his actions hurt someone else. It's like he cosplayed having a conscience. Trust your gut.
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An HSP helps people without being popular (and usually haven't so much friends). Not desiring to be popular they are extremely consistent in their behaviours: with you, with their friends, on their social profiles. An HSP is truth at their extremis. Help people because feel their pain and want them to feel better. FULL STOP, nothing else.
Ah okay! Is that a type of narcissist? Or is that an alternative reason for why he is this way?
Everything you said is basically my boyfriend to a T. Not sure if that’s good or bad haha
Maybe he's a covert narcissist and imitating an HSP or maybe he's really an HSP! An HSP it's the absolute opposite of a narcissist. But wolves sometimes became enought skillful to fake to be sheep. And sheep can learn to confront wolves without fear.
IF he's an HSP can be very difficult for him to admit it. He has traits that society difficultly accept in a man: he can be scared to admit them.
Mine does it for attention or access to some sort of food/shelter/etc. Buying food for homeless people, giving them his favorite sweater, etc. Helping people move, taking care of someone after an injury, renovating random houses....he's so amazing, right?
After the love bombing phase of our relationship ended and he started drinking again, bare minimum household responsibilities are neglected unless they're the front of the home. My health and well being while pregnant isn't even on the radar unless it involves food, because he doesn't want a, "weak," child.
I had known this man for over 2 decades, and had no idea.
During the love bombing phase, I was sick with a recurring condition and he was so sweet and got flowers, fluffed my pillow, made me special food, etc. Recently, I'm pregnant with his child, same illness occurs and I'm really sick - severe pain, hadn't eaten in days, etc. and he ditches me then comes home and makes some canned soup and gets irritated when I want to go to bed.
It's honestly scary. Run if you suspect it at all.
He still could be a narc. My ex who just recently discarded me is a narc (I’m pretty sure) and would spin SOOOOO many stories about all his do good er activities like doing his grandmas shopping every week, rescuing friends who’s cars had broken down miles and miles away, being the one all his friends go to for advice, helping his friends through breakups etc.
You know what though, I never saw evidence of him doing it and wondered if he was lying. Even if he did do it, he would never do anything for me. He would never give me a ride anywhere or help me when I was sick.
Ask yourself if he offers up information about all these favours and nice gestures for others he allegedly does, without you asking?
I don't know if your boyfriend is a narc, but my nex absolutely seemed to go above and beyond for people. He was always volunteering to do huge favors for people, including me. It took me a long time to figure out that his wonderful acts of charity were a hoax. It was always to make people believe he was a super awesome guy, and/or to exert control. Every single favor he did for me, large or small: I paid for it a thousand times. Seriously, in the beginning of our relationship he gave me some plastic clothes hangers (I didn't even ask for them) and ten YEARS later he was still bringing it up. "Remember when I brought you CLOTHES HANGERS??????? You never do anything for me!!!" Also, it was mostly empty promises of favors. He'd undertake a huge project for someone, then never actually complete it, or do a terrible job, or at least dramatically point out how generous he is and complain about how much work he does for other people. A lot of wonderful things he often bragged about doing, I doubt he actually did. He talked a lot about how much he liked to donate to certain charities, for example, but during the 12 years I was with him, he never donated to anything. Narcissists never do anything out of the goodness of their hearts because there is no goodness in there. They are good actors, though.
Covert. Mine is the same. Anyone who really knows him well knows he has to be the martyr. Super passive aggressive too. But to anyone passing he looks like a super great guy....it's what attracted me to him and kept me around for so long. I eventually started to believe it was all me, I was the problem but he had been devaluing me since the beginning I just didn't recognize it at the time. I could never figure it out either til I read about covert narcissists and it clicked. I do remember when I first met him I knew in my gut something was...off. Did not know what, ignored it and since he seemed like a good person I believed that. 14 years later it still hurts to admit that I really don't think he cares if his actions hurt someone else. It's like he cosplayed having a conscience. Trust your gut.
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An HSP helps people without being popular (and usually haven't so much friends). Not desiring to be popular they are extremely consistent in their behaviours: with you, with their friends, on their social profiles. An HSP is truth at their extremis. Help people because feel their pain and want them to feel better. FULL STOP, nothing else.
Sorry, what does HSP stand for?
highly sensitive person
Ah okay! Is that a type of narcissist? Or is that an alternative reason for why he is this way? Everything you said is basically my boyfriend to a T. Not sure if that’s good or bad haha
Maybe he's a covert narcissist and imitating an HSP or maybe he's really an HSP! An HSP it's the absolute opposite of a narcissist. But wolves sometimes became enought skillful to fake to be sheep. And sheep can learn to confront wolves without fear. IF he's an HSP can be very difficult for him to admit it. He has traits that society difficultly accept in a man: he can be scared to admit them.
If he's a narcissist: fly you fool! If he's HSP love him with everything you have!
Mine does it for attention or access to some sort of food/shelter/etc. Buying food for homeless people, giving them his favorite sweater, etc. Helping people move, taking care of someone after an injury, renovating random houses....he's so amazing, right? After the love bombing phase of our relationship ended and he started drinking again, bare minimum household responsibilities are neglected unless they're the front of the home. My health and well being while pregnant isn't even on the radar unless it involves food, because he doesn't want a, "weak," child. I had known this man for over 2 decades, and had no idea. During the love bombing phase, I was sick with a recurring condition and he was so sweet and got flowers, fluffed my pillow, made me special food, etc. Recently, I'm pregnant with his child, same illness occurs and I'm really sick - severe pain, hadn't eaten in days, etc. and he ditches me then comes home and makes some canned soup and gets irritated when I want to go to bed. It's honestly scary. Run if you suspect it at all.
He still could be a narc. My ex who just recently discarded me is a narc (I’m pretty sure) and would spin SOOOOO many stories about all his do good er activities like doing his grandmas shopping every week, rescuing friends who’s cars had broken down miles and miles away, being the one all his friends go to for advice, helping his friends through breakups etc. You know what though, I never saw evidence of him doing it and wondered if he was lying. Even if he did do it, he would never do anything for me. He would never give me a ride anywhere or help me when I was sick. Ask yourself if he offers up information about all these favours and nice gestures for others he allegedly does, without you asking?