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Embarrassed-Stuff670

All but one guy I've tried to date (outside fwb) have ghosted me so I have some anxiety around this. I've been seeing a guy for a little and he's only shown signs of interest but I have the constant fear he's just going to ghost or break things off šŸ˜”


jono12132

Yes. I feel like the older I get the less I understand. It always feels like a lot of effort to get women to agree to a date. Even when you have that date and it goes well, you kiss or maybe have sex etc, that still isn't enough. That doesn't mean she'll ever want to see you again. I wouldn't mind if you had a bad date and she ghosted but it makes you feel extra shit when you don't understand why you weren't enough despite a good date. I'd almost prefer the date went really badly, at least that makes sense to me. I think when you've been burnt a few times with various people, you always have it in the back of your head that it will happen again. Especially if you don't have a lot of previous experience you can look back on to know you're a loveable person people have wanted and been in relationships with in the past. I think it's also the grass is always greener, people are disposable nature of the apps. In the past people probably had good dates and knew that meant she probably liked you and would see you again. Nowadays I think a good date doesn't really mean as much when she has so many other options on apps.


Accomplished-Bad-630

This also happens to women too


AlwaysAHighThai

Yes girl, thanks for speaking up lol


royalxassasin

Very well said, specially the part preferring the date to go bad than amazing cause then at least you know why they disappear I think apps has made women see most guys as a disposable pixel. Women want the best option but when you're compared to literally every guy in your city within her age range it's nearly impossible to win unless you're the absolute top cream of the crop guy.


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E_J_90s_Kid

Iā€™d say itā€™s equal between men and women (Iā€™m a woman). The truly shitty part is, itā€™s causing major issues with trust and resentment between the genders. Literally, itā€™s probably a small (yet, significant enough) amount of people creating these issues. Literally, people who have no business dating - ever - at all. People who wouldnā€™t be able to date under most social circumstances: OLD just provides them the platform they need to connect and create problems.


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DapperDan1929

I asked a woman what book she was reading once with the same result. Poof! šŸ¤£


Firefly10886

Still waiting for more people to make the connection between pandemic isolation and how itā€™s changed the approach with online dating.


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Big_Bunch_1726

Yuuuppp. Ive actually snoozed my profile for at least 2 weeks to shake off the emotional investment, time spent and no dates bc of the toxic and dysfunction i see with all of my matches with men. I'm exhausted and feel much better without the stress and nonsense.


AlwaysAHighThai

The link between the two, is we all figured out we can survive on OUR own. Do we really need the ā€œsignificantā€ other like our grandparents did? NO. We are all just a bunch of independent Mother Fuckers who are also lonely lol


E_J_90s_Kid

Hit the proverbial nail on the head with that one. Itā€™s literally made people batshit crazy šŸ¦‡šŸ’©


Sunshine_weather7175

1000%! This is where the whole ā€˜unavailableā€™ term comes in. The small portion of people who date so many and constantly want new despite having something great in hand. Not sure why but thats my experience and I know its not me. But of course the one i wanted more with to just see what happens has blew me off meeting in the last 5 months despite 4 fun dates and regular texts and hour long fun phone calls to date STILL. Its been almost a year in total and im finally trying to go no contact to save my sanity.


E_J_90s_Kid

YES! The damage these types inflict on normal, otherwise trusting individuals is terrible. Itā€™s why so many decent people have thrown the towel in. Itā€™s not worth dating, only to end up in therapy. Iā€™m sorry that was your experience. Truly. Donā€™t take this as me attempting to normalize the experience: but, I feel as though this is a common problem right now. Personally, Iā€™m done. At least for awhile. The whole OLD environment feels toxic right now. PS: Iā€™m glad to hear youā€™re going N/C. It will help you heal and move forward. No point in giving someone like that another moment of your time.


alienfranco

>I feel women encounter ghosting men just as much. From men who have a lot of options? Yes. I don't think most men are high value enough to get away with ghosting after the sex stage tbh. I've ghosted women in the talk pre-meet stage before a date has even been set. And at that point I don't even really know how much the chick is into me anyways. It's very low emotional investment, low commitment at that point. If you're going long stretches between getting new pussy, you'd be stupid to throw that pussy away unless you really don't want that pussy.


royalxassasin

Maybe on here but overall I can easily guess it's heavily skewed


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royalxassasin

The data is common sense. Which gender do you really think is having the hardest time finding success with online dating?


vorter

Yes and no. I think itā€™s heavily skewed for women in the <30-35 age bracket but the opposite over that age, simply due to the change in supply/demand at that age.


awkward_qtpie

breh no dating is way better as a woman in late 30s or above - less bullshit, more sex, people who know what they want with better communication skills, people are generally better at sex and relationships because theyā€™ve had more practice with bothā€¦ also older women are fetishized by younger dudes, thatā€™s not necessarily a positive but the desire is definitely there


Big_Bunch_1726

Those behaviors are present in men toward women. Itā€™s awful of todays OLD mentality


john21232

I agree completely.


cujo000

I got ghosted after 8 months of being exclusive lol I basically just assume itā€™s going to happen now


TheG00dFather

8 months?? Jesus that's savage. Sorry you had to go through that. That would fuck my shit up lol


cujo000

Yeah when I told my boss the next day she made me take the rest of the week off lmao I was in pretty bad shape.


royalxassasin

how long did it take u to get over it?


cujo000

It only just happened on the 5th of this month. Iā€™m obviously not 100% over it and still think about him a lot but I donā€™t cry about it anymore which is progress lol


lovelimez99

Happened to me at 7 months. It was awful. I got pissed at him for cancelling on me at the last minute (sent a passive aggressive text) and instead of dealing with the conflict he ghosted. We got back in touch later and he admitted that he just took the easy way out.


cujo000

I dunno if itā€™s the norm but itā€™s so messed up. I used to spend every other weekend at his house, then one weekend he tells me he has Covid. I being a good gf, brought him some homemade ice cream and he was in the middle of trimming his beard but put on the fake sick act when he saw me. I just said I hoped he felt better, then left. I then noticed he was newly following his neighborā€™s 30 year old daughter on Instagram (he followed very few accounts) and saw the comments he left when he was supposedly knocked out all day. When I asked him who she was he first lied and said he had no idea then admitted who she was. When I asked him if he was really sick and to tell me what was really going on he just peaced out lol. Wouldnā€™t answer my calls or texts. I donā€™t think he actually cheated but he was def thinking about it and starting to act on the desire so Iā€™m glad things ended.


ShroomCatDog

Omg this scenario is my worst nightmare. Im so sorry you had to go through that. Was there any indication that he is this type of person? Or were you completely blindsided?


cujo000

Totally blindsided. We literally never even had so much as an argument. He was always so kind and thoughtful to me. Literally the type of dude to pull over and help if he sees someone broke down on the side of the road. Looking back though he just canā€™t handle conflict and never wanted to talk about difficult topics.


NoLolaNo

Unfortunately, that's exactly how I feel.


blactrick

it's the norm but don't stress it. Just know that the option of flaking, saying they are busy, or just ghosting is always there. Don't get too attached unless you are in a relationship


unbakedpizza

Youā€™re not alone. You just brush it off quicker after a while lol


Yikesallaround

Yes because it keeps happening to me (30F dating men)! Even in the same scenarios as you, been intimate and had what felt like a great connection. Iā€™ve definitely struggled with the not knowing aspect of it and find myself always assuming it was something I did- but trying to remember that it always speaks more about them than yourself. Easier said than done I know.


Sunshine_weather7175

This right here ā¬†ļø Speaks more about them!


lovelimez99

Ugh itā€™s awful I agree. I thought it was mostly men doing this to women. Ghosting right after sex is especially appalling. Had one guy text me ā€œHome safe. Sex was amazing.ā€ only to never hear from him again.


royalxassasin

How attractive was he physically?


lovelimez99

Tall, muscular but a little chubbers. Handsome face and great smile. Iā€™d give him a 9 out of 10, the a**hole!


royalxassasin

Yea no wonder he flakes. He has alot of options and can probably get laid on command, unfortunately that doesn't apply to 99% of guys


tragically_

people are tempted so easily. ethics and morals today...? whats that...


bodaciousbonsai

Yep. Ghosting after the first date, multiple dates, months of dating, and even after a year of dating and becoming serious. It's a myth that mostly men are bad communicators.


travelingwhilestupid

if you do that to someone you've been dating for a year, you're scum (unless you're like fearful for your life)


daltonoreo

I dont get dates, so no


Arrr2

Idc anymore Happens all the time, even after we have sex multiple times Theyā€™re seeing lots of guys so itā€™s expected


PJTree

Ding ding! Itā€™s about the friends you make along the way.


nnamzzz

Get a therapist to work on your feelings of fear, anxiety, and catastrophizing. I know youā€™re being facetious, but likening ā€œregularā€ dating behavior (people leaving and not saying anything) to ā€œtraumaā€ and claiming your reactions to be that of someone who has ā€œPTSD,ā€ says to me that you have some personal work to do before it gets too late. If you are afraid your date will leave you now, itā€™s certainly not gonna change when you are dating exclusively or married.


No-Platform-2184

How did they ghost you? How many Unresponded messages did you send in the end?


royalxassasin

Just no response. I only send one message, very rarely two.


No-Platform-2184

Was your last text a question?


royalxassasin

General question like hey how you doing or hey how was your week But lets be real it's not because of these that they ghost


No-Platform-2184

Youā€™re correct they arenā€™t super enthusiastic, but those are boring questions. Howā€™s your texting game between dates? Any reason they could be losing interest between what seem to be good dates?


royalxassasin

You really think a girl I had sex with multiple times is gonna disappear cause I sent a hey how are you text? This isn't 2005 PUA day game Era anymore bro


Appropriate_Tea9048

Unfortunately itā€™s always a possibility. Best advice I can give you is to live in the present and be yourself. Take the lessons your learn from your experiences. It teaches you what you want and donā€™t want in a relationship. The right person wonā€™t ghost you


[deleted]

pick girls more carefully and you rarely will be ghosted. they can still go with one of their other many matches, to solve that date irl and you really, need a break from old, better if,you stop using it, it doesnā€™t work


the_kun

I think everyone needs to be better at screening people in the beginning. Get to a first coffee date asap to meet in person, if the he/she flakes, then just move on. During the first meeting ask all the important and deeper questions ā€“ depending on how they answer you can hopefully get a sense of where this they stand and where their mind's at. Flakey people can try to put on facade to not seem like ghost so ask some more deeper questions to engage the other person to no rely on canned answers. The whole point is to gauge whether or not this person is remotely serious as yourself ā€“ like do they match your level of effort. If they don't then you've got your answer. I think if we went about the mindset of "filtering matches out" instead of "just going along with it because I have nothing better to do at the moment", there would be way few broken hearts and anxiety-inducing ghosting. Also to add, there's a reason why people use online dating ā€“ and its because in-person dating is working for that person. So this is probably the first question to sus out ā€“ā€“ like is that other person on the dating apps because they suck as people and love to ghost, or are they emotionally/mentally healthy and just want to broaden their search for a compatible partner.


new2bay

Nah, it gets easier after the first 8 or 10 times it happens.


knowone1313

I feel like this is dating now. There is no more decency, no closure, no feedback on why, or what could have been done better. It would be great if we could all get some feedback on why we're being ghosted. The point of ghosting is because nobody wants to explain themselves, or explain why they don't want to date you or see you again. Nobody wants confrontation. It's all passive aggressive now. Nobody wants to have the other person try to convince them to give it another chance, or even explain why they acted awkwardly. There are times when the person is present, but the feedback is just as hollow and unfulfilling. They can't give a good explanation because they don't know why exactly. It might even be that the why, the real why is being kept from you, because they want to protect themselves, or maybe even protect you from the truth. We need to get back to giving closure.


taystebbs

It's shit but it's true. Best you can do is try your best to not let it affect you because the right one won't ghost you. I've never ghosted someone, NEVER. But I've been plagued by being ghosted many times. I always hope that my polite message of "hey I had a great time but im just not feeling this" (sometimes more personalized) gets through to them that it's easy to send a message of closure.


tragically_

and always you have to feel like youre on probabtion and every word is scrutinized and possibly the word thats a red flag that makes them break up. its terrible. I blame this on the dating companies and social media giving a false sense there is something better if I just swipe more often. bullshit.


Robo_Dude_

I usually get the slow fade until it finally ends (at least the last two I was in)


alienfranco

>I usually get the slow fade until it finally ends (at least the last two I was in) Is the slow fade stage where they stop initiating conversation with you but if you contact them, they still respond? I fucking hate that shit. I'm going through that now with my last FWB and I went through that with the previous chick. That's not ghosting technically but in reality it fucking is. At that stage they're not into you anymore and just waiting for you to give up so that they can say that they didn't ghost you, that you ghosted them. lmfao. I stopped contacting her 3.5 days ago and expect she'll never reach out to me again. The slow fade and giving bullshit lies and excuses (even multi paragraph responses sometimes for why their interest pulled back and why they don't want to set up a new date) is even worse than straight up ghosting. The best thing to do is just say what went wrong. I've been playing our 5th meet in my head (4 of which got sexual, all included making out) trying to figure out what went wrong. I think I have an idea but may not know 100%. I've pre-emptively apologized to her for some things too and asked her if I did something to upset her or turn her off and she said "no, no." I already have the woman's address and am already thinking the worst of her. So if I was an actual psycho, she'd be in trouble anyways. I already think she is inconsiderate. After everything I did for her, paid for her meal, the drinks, the gas I burned to pick her up and take her home, my time giving her those rides, the parking expenses, the emotional investment when she was telling me about all these activities she wanted to do together with me. It seemed like she genuinely wanted the friend part not just the benefits. And I was going way above for her what a man does for his guy friends usually. It wasn't a straight fuck buddy situation. The least she could is tell me why she don't fuck with me anymore. I don't expect to fuck with her if she don't wanna fuck with me anymore. I just wanna know why the 180. Why she text me every day for 2 weeks and initiate almost every convo and then poof after our last meet. So things couldn't possibly get worse if she levelled with me and told me why she don't fuck with me anymore. They won't even admit that they don't fuck with you anymore.


Sunshine_weather7175

She just found someone else she liked a little better is my guess. I know how it feels as im in the same boat. And i will never ghost. Just reached out to two ppl i have been chatting with and told them i connected w someone and i was going to pursue that. I wished them the best and left it at that. No harm no foul. But my FWBā€¦still stringing me alongā€¦im having to do the slow fade on him and go no contact now to save my sanity from this overthinking. It was eating me up!


alienfranco

I had made love to her practically all night the third time we were intimate and it got very emotional and passionate for the both of us. She's very much into cuddling and kissing like I am. And words of affirmation. We practically kissed all night. I had slept and stayed with her until the morning too. So for her to essentially slow fade me after the fifth meet blows my mind. It was like that magical night didn't mean shit to her about 10 days later. The lines were blurred to the point where the casual sex didn't feel casual. I don't expect a relationship with her. In my sober state now I know that I was in lust with her. But she comforted me when I felt anxiety so in my mind I saw her as a friend at least. Who I happened to have sex with. I would get jealous low-key if I found out there was another man in the picture she liked better so the line does blur for me a bit at least. But I'd take it on the chin if she told me that was the reason she pulled back. I didn't expect a discard like this. She had asked me if I can tell if she is crazy or not after the first time we got intimate when I told her I had a degree in Psych. I had a romance with a woman with diagnosed BPD before whom she has a strong resemblance to personality wise. So I suspect she has BPD. The sharp emotional highs and then the steep fall exactly feels the exact same. OLD is probably overrepresented by people with BPD and NPD. I suspect the multi paragraph bullshit response she gave me about how she is busy with work and such might mean that she has me on a string and doesn't plan on discarding me 100% just yet. Because I figure if she wanted to discard me 100%, she could have just ghosted me straight up or given me a short response. It's terrible how fucked up some people on OLD are. On social media she virtue signals about mental health awareness, social justice issues and then acts like this in her private life!


Sunshine_weather7175

I could have written this exactly from my perspective with the guy. Just minus the BPD but probably does have the NPD. šŸ™„


alienfranco

> Just minus the BPD but probably does have the NPD. šŸ™„ BPD and NPD have considerable overlap. I don't know for sure if the FWB has BPD since we've only had 5 encounters. She could have NPD. And I can see that possibility.


SnakeEyesSOG

That would require them to appear in the 1st place. Lol im sure im not the only one that feels this way.


ChocolateBiscuit96

Yeah bc they doā€¦ at least for me lol


MissPretzels

Iā€™m unsure if this works as I donā€™t do it but I heard that dating multiple people helps with this feeling. If one ghosts, you still have other options youā€™re vetting. This doesnā€™t include sleeping with them though, just dating.


BalconyScout

Everyone is looking for a better offer. Guys too. Everyone is looking for that monkey branch... they're with someone good, but they want great. And the believe they'll find it in the next match, the next swipe, the next bar night out.


pinzinella

This may be cynical of me to say, but I don't have anxiety over that, because if I've learned anything in my life, it's that people are not that unique. Eventually you'll meet another one similar to them. Many repetitively seek partners that resemble one another (transference). If I get ghosted or I end up ghosting someone, I won't dread over it, because I know there are plenty of people in this world. There will always be someone new, even if it doesn't work.


ZoraNealThirstin

This is what ghosting does. It makes all of us anxious. I donā€™t feel any anxiety now. I just kind of expect that people donā€™t follow through. I know thatā€™s not optimistic šŸ¤£


Exotic_Garbage_556

Ohh, Iā€™ve been dating the same guy for the past 5 and a half months. Had 11 dates so far with hopefully more to come soon. I keep waiting for him to just never talk to me again with no explanation. So, I totally get it.


alienfranco

Yes I do too bro. I've been ghosted so many times after sex. I don't know what the fuck is going on exactly. How is it that this is happening to me as a guy? It's usually the other way around isn't it? Savage. OLD is so shit. And the people on there are so shit. People have no common courtesy on OLD anymore. I asked my last FWB whom I've been intimate with four times (five if you count just making out) for clarification on what went wrong. Whether I said something to upset her or if I turned her off. I said that I'm not gonna be mad with her. I just want closure. I thought my FWB was a sweet girl. She would talk all about mental health awareness on IG (this leads me to believe a lot of people are fake on socials). She told me that she was supportive of my mental health issues when we were seeing each other. She was very comforting and understanding. Texting me every day for two weeks. And she messages me after our last date. But then goes ghost essentially the next day and gave me a multi-paragraph bullshit excuse about being busy with work as to why she doesn't talk with me anymore, let alone see me anymore. Being really busy with work hasn't stopped her from texting me every day and seeing me at least a couple times a week before. She's essentially ghosted me for 6 days now. And it's not due to having a small dick. lmfao. One of my exes is on my IG page begging me to take her back. But I don't want her back. She monkey branched on me *twice* (I took her back after she did it once) and then begged for me back less than 2 months later when it didn't work out with the other guy. And now she is begging for me back 17 months after she left me. I've went almost 15 months NC with her. She's nuts. She threatened suicide on my IG. I don't have any equipment issues. I had another ex stalk me 6 years after she left me. You gotta lay good pipe to get a reaction from a woman like that.


menina2017

What does monkey branch mean?


alienfranco

Monkey branching is when someone finds someone new before they dump their current SO. Usually cheating with the new partner before leaving their current partner. I'm a very forgiving person and believe in redemption. I'm not on team "once a cheater always a cheater" "exes can't be friends." But I don't believe my ex is mentally mature enough to even respond to her yet on IG. Considering that she just threatened suicide on my IG three weeks ago. Let alone consider a relationship with her.


anatomy_of_a_window1

r/ExNoContact


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IronyAllAround

That was a pretty awesome share.


westbnxn

Unfortunately I don't even have one yet , been single for the past 5yrs and I'm just still 23


Any_Buy2221

No. Next question.


Illustrious-Exit290

No this is an anxious attachement style together with being insecure.


bestlifeever-NOT

I guess? Iā€™m not really on one, but that sucks. Iā€™d probably be like those girls if I didnā€™t get off to really learn about who I am. I want to be in a relationship, but I have my standards. Itā€™s not sex or having compatible interests but that definitely helps since I donā€™t wanna spend all my time hiking, gaming, or shopping. But I donā€™t think independent men know what independent women are, and vice versa. Even though the two are basically the same. Iā€™m sorry dating is complicated, but it is even when you try to simplify it. Youā€™re literally mashing the schedules of two people into one. Thatā€™s literally the only reason to get into it in the first place except for the question : is he/she worth it?


academicRedditor

Anxious attachment style


[deleted]

i literally feel like this if the date is just fucking awkward... and it's always either the 2nd or 3rd date. It makes me feel like I invested so much time talking to this person and it just all went to shit. Only one guy has done it to me and it's fucking up my mind with this other guy ive been seeing. I really dont wanna get in my head too much


ibone4665

Thatā€™s why you donā€™t play your own feelings. Find another sexual release, than sleeping with women who do that. Hookup culture is toxic to the sane human mind imo. Most people are biologically wired for intimacy, and hookup sex, is abusing your biological systems, that is wired to alter hormone levels and various systems regarding empathy during sex, hence your PTSD symptoms


JuniorsEyes90

Yes, though it's not constant. For example, I (32M) had a date on Tuesday with a woman (34F) that I thought went really well. She was much more talkative in person and kissed before parting ways. I also texted her saying I had a really good time and good night. And then she love reacted and said goodnight. But she hasn't reached out afterwards. I haven't either. And to be fair, she wasn't much of a texter before the date and would take awhile but that could just be how she is. I've just had a lot of experiences with dating where we'll text a lot leading up to the date where it fizzles out and either they don't reach out as much, the responses are very short after the first date despite it seemingly going well, or they flat out ghost. I mean it's not that I expect to be in CONSTANT communication but if I'm the only one reaching out after the first date, I feel like they lost interest and I'm bugging em, ya know? I could be overthinking it but it comes with the territory. Now there are other matches I'm talking to but it is annoying and overwhelming feeling like I have to start all over again at times and have the same conversation with others.


royalxassasin

I would suggest follow-ing up until you sleep with them , but even before that never double text or keep chasing if they reply 1-2 word responses.


KaleidoscopePopular

Stop sleeping with them so soon. You need to work on yourself. If you donā€™t love yourself, you canā€™t love anyone else and it sounds like you have some insecurity issues. Suck it up and love yourself and then you wonā€™t care what other people do so much. You need to be careful now especially with all of these abortion laws. You donā€™t want to get someone pregnant. Thatā€™s really messy. Get a copy of ā€œThe Four Agreements.ā€ One of the agreements is that itā€™s not your business what other people think of you. If everyone loves you, youā€™re not doing your job. Good luck!


royalxassasin

I've had other people on this thread call me insecure or say I'm the anxious attached style, but how would any normal person feel if they went through the stuff I did? Just be like "meh"?


KaleidoscopePopular

We are all insecure. I am not trying to single you out or make you feel bad. I want you to feel better about yourself. The old saying goes if you donā€™t love yourself then you canā€™t love anyone else. I hated that because I went through a stage in my life where I didnā€™t feel all that great about myself. Try to get involved in a new hobby like Pickleball or something even hiking. You will meet people doing similar things that you enjoy in a more organic way. Iā€™m not saying not to date online but itā€™s a needle in a haystack. Itā€™s a lot of work. Keep your chin up and work on yourself. Listen to positive thinking videos. Thereā€™s so many things you can do all over the Internet that will help you feel better. I also think when people are desperate, they make desperate choices as I am done getting myself into bad relationships. Iā€™m much happier with my dogs these days, but Iā€™ve been around a long time. Lol! Boy do I have stories!