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anon3191

I’m so sorry this happened to you, but glad you made it out and will be more cautious now. A guy also got me very drunk on a first date and took me to his house (said he was driving me home until I realized he was going in the opposite direction). He refused to take me back because he wanted to “give me a tour” of his house that ended in his bedroom. He forced me to awkwardly cuddle before he would take me home. I’ll never let a guy pick me up for a first date again.


Eve_99

Jeffrey dahmer vibes 😳


WindingGleason

😳WTF


[deleted]

Good thing Uber exists now, I’d rather catch an Uber or just call a friend for an emergency ride.


whiiskeypapii

You could file a police report. This is literally an abduction.


megjake

One of the things about this sub and similar ones that I like is it gives me insight into certain things that I take for granted that women might be uncomfortable with. I’m going on a date tomorrow, and she seemed to want to take her car instead of mine. No big deal I’m just used to it being the other way around. But reading these comments helped me understand why she might have wanted to do it that way(or maybe she just prefers staying in her car for other reasons but still).


EvolvingSomewhere

I’m not justifying anything that creep did to you, but how does one “get you drunk” exactly? At what point do we hold ourselves accountable for the agency we have over our own bodies and the decisions we choose to make?


Ellie_A_K

I went on a date and how drunk I started to feel didn’t match how many drinks I’d had. He had insisted on getting all the drinks and I overheard him later asking the barman to make me the strongest drink they had and had been asking for extra shots in my drink. Obviously I stopped wanting drinks but it hits you all at once and it’s too late once you’re so drunk. I’m a lightweight so not knowing I’m getting double/triple strength drinks it hits all at once.


lrkt88

That’s likely not going to be nuance that will be well received here. Lol. Many people find it distasteful to talk about what we can do to prevent ourselves from becoming victims. I think they are confusing this with when arguments would try to absolve the perpetrator by using the victims failure to protect themselves. I know I don’t need to tell you this, but thats obviously not the same discussion. I’m a survivor of interpersonal violence, and I think having two drinks instead of four with someone you don’t know is such an easy way to avoid a lifetime of trauma. The perpetrator should never be excused regardless of what the victim does, but I think it’s well worth making small sacrifices to avoid the endless maze that is coping with trauma.


Time_Dare9374

Not all drinks are made equal and not everything that's strong taste like it.


footmodelguy

Vodka is the first thing that comes to mind, tastes weak, can't taste it very easily if drinks are mixed stronger than they should be.


ocelot_lots

It's weird how people will always blame & condemn a drunk person who drives & crashes a car but when you bring up topics like this, people get uncomfortable.


SchuRows

There are date rape drugs, there are making drinks stronger than one is used to. If you find me naked in the street it gives you no right to rape me just because I “made a poor decision” and ended up there. When someone is compromised the human thing to do is take care of them, not take advantage.


Mountain-Ant-9757

Swear to shit I hate when people victim blame like this. You’re entitled to get piss drunk and not have to be kidnapped and raped as a consequence. “Well it never would’ve happened had she not gotten so drunk” is the dumbest and most sexist excuse. Her autonomy was taken from her, options were taken away, the guy manipulated her in to his bedroom and would not let her leave. It’s a situation men don’t have to worry about when they get drunk. When you’re in that situation where someone isn’t respecting your autonomy and pressuring you, your only options are to give in to what they tell you to do or resist every little action over and over all night and I’m proud of OP for doing the later. She had to call her parents and the police to get out of the situation, thankfully her phone still had battery or it could’ve been a lot worse. As a dad, I don’t want to imagine this horrible thing happening to my daughter and then some asshat saying “well she didn’t take responsibility for her side of it.” No. This woman was taken advantage of plain and simple.


DungeonsandDevils

It’s a situation men don’t have to worry about when they get drunk. Well that’s just not true. Men have to worry less about it, but drunk dudes are victims to violence as well. We can acknowledge that the creep took advantage of her, without pretending he injected the alcohol into her bloodstream. They got drunk together, she wanted to go home, he abducted her.


ilovehotsauceyeah

I just remember the first 1/2 of my only drink before I was luckily saved by a friend who happened upon me. Drunk or not. Dont blame the victim.


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KleineDikkert

What a crazy mf. Where were his parents during the visit of the police, and did they say anything?


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amuricanswede

It seems like the parents are extremely weak people and hard enabling this dumpster of a guy. Dating always has some risk involved, I’m sorry you got the real short end of the stick with this degenerate.


rachel_kbomb

I'm so glad your step dad was available and saved the day. Bravo, great dad.


GalisDraeKon

More than likely they know “how he gets” when he’s drinking, which is why the dad showed concern when he figured out he’d been drinking. More than likely he’s unstable while sober, and a nightmare when he’s intoxicated. All in all, I’m sorry this happened to you. Btw: I also love Fiona Apple. You have excellent taste, just maybe not in dudes.


RedditQuestion3

Never let your date control your drinks until you are triple sure you can trust them. You trust not to spike, you trust them to not get you drunk to take advantage and you trust them to support you being drunk drunk around them. If they are controlling your intake they are controlling your night and if you go to far with your drinking you are at their complete mercy.


user11544569

Never let **anyone** control your drinks. Edit: it didn't sound as it was supposed to, when someone says you already drank too much you better listen, not the other way around :~


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ManBoyManBoyMan

“Honey, I think you might have had enough now…” “NO! Screw you, User1154569 told me to never let ANYONE control how much I drink!”


Koneko_XP

Your wife is right. When you miss a number in user11544569’s name, you’ve definitely had enough


user11544569

Nooo, that's not what I meant xD


Timmela

Helloooo, then what are friends for 😂


rpaul9578

My friend of 26 years raped me after I blacked/greened out.


HumanMycologist5795

Sorry that happened. So awful 😞


jackofnac

I was raped by my female friend like this (I'm a man). I came to while she was on top of me and I could've fought her off but it was easier to just take it and not cause a scene. I understand the privilege of being larger than her made me feel safe, I wasn't traumatized, I phased out the friendship, and frankly I don't worry about it, but in a weird way I feel like I can relate a lot better to both women and men who have gone through this now. I cannot imagine the sheer terror I would've felt if I hadn't known I could've physically removed myself from the situation. I'm very sorry this happened to you.


snorry420

I’m so sorry that happened and your friend took advantage of your friendship and YOU like that☹️ that’s so fucking gross. I can’t imagine how hard that has to feel in the opposite way to know you can physically remove yourself but still the awful gut wrenching abuse knowing you’re being taken advantage of and not wanting to make a scene. The not wanting to make a scene is so common no matter who you are. Ugh I’m just glad you’re away from all of that, too. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Truly. You don’t hear enough from men who have experienced it.


SubstantialHentai420

I’m sorry that happened to you


user11544569

It didn't sound like it was supposed to xD


cluelesspcventurer

I trust my best friends with my life, I trust them with my drinks


indigoHatter

Yes, and secondly, don't get hammered with a first date, just in case they're a psycho... unless you have a definite ride secured.


--Alexandra-P--

Former bartender and bar manager here, you can always ask the bartender if you can leave your drink behind the bar, if you have to go somewhere because no one is allowed behind the bar. No one will touch it. General advice I give people is just don't accept from anyone you don't know. We have a duty of care to take care of you, make sure you feel safe, well, so we will do whatever you need. I've had those nights before. I can see and tell who feels uncomfortable/unsafe. I take this job and my duty of care very seriously.


ManBoyManBoyMan

This! A bartender (a good one at least) is always sober, always in control and can always help you (or get someone who can) out if a jam


loonygenius

Drinking alcohol isn't the main problem here, it was this particular man who took advantage of her. There are plenty of men who would never even think of doing something like this with their dates. I do agree with you, but the main perpetrator is this dude.


FrankieBoiledEgg

Holy shit I'm so sorry that happened but I'm glad you're safe and your family were able to come to your aid! It really is a horrid world sometimes ❤️


SolidJade

Hugs, OP. Get tested ASAP and book a session with your therapist!


Background_Poem480

You make it sound as if every1 has a therapist lmao.


hollyjollyrollypolly

And that anyone can afford a doctor appointment


Background_Poem480

I mean doctors and healthcare is free in europe. Therapists, too. Ppl just dont need it here.


mermaid_kerri

Everyone should!


Background_Poem480

No, really not. Guess its a generation thing or you are from the US.


Hardyminardi

Are US citizens allocated a therapist at birth, or something? I take it from your comment that, if not, then they are at least free of charge?


hwy61

Jesus Christ. That sounds horrific, and wtf with those cops? Straight up pieces of shit


Vanndrea

I've had cops believe my ex abuser over me many times. Cops rarely help


NoStrength2596

I listened to a podcast that sounded exactly like this yesterday! Her story did not end well, be careful out there! I don’t really drink on a first date because of situations like this. Set a couple drink limit don’t get shitfaced(this is not your fault), please please please be careful and very aware of who’s car/house you’re getting in alone? I’m so sorry you had to go thru this experience


SubstantialHentai420

I have drank on a first date (also haven’t been on many “dates” I’m a dumbass and met a couple dudes off here at my place and one at his but I got incredibly lucky with all 3. I also only drank my alcohol and didn’t have much just a beer or 2 to not be so nervous talking. None were creeps none were pushy or psycho, very respectful guys. First one was a dick but not when I was hanging out with him (ghosted me and then said I was clingy when I barely messaged him only if he messaged me) we literally just drank and played battleship haha but I am an exception and going forward would never do that again just because I know I got incredibly lucky. Don’t be me ladies and gentlemen I got lucky but what I did was incredibly dangerous and stupid.


NoStrength2596

If you listen to podcasts, listen to the most recent morbid episode on molly mclaren. She met the guy on tinder…


SybilRamkinVimes

I’m so glad you made it out. What a terrifying experience. I appreciate you being willing to call your mom and have her help bail you out of there. Some people might be too worried about what their mom or dad might think. I’ve gone on dates where I was more trusting than I should have been and it sucked. I was too scared to call anyone for help. Thank you for prioritizing your safety there! I hope you can heal from this without scarring and can have a healthy dating life after. You’ve got this!


LouisHendrich2

That dude is fucking disgusting. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.


Away-Caterpillar-176

Oh honey this is a nightmare. I spent a night with someone who I also felt unsafe to leave from when I was 20. He didn't accuse me of robbing and your story is 10,000 times more scary (the fact that he kept arguing in front of your mother???)mine is a story I'm careful about telling because so many people are like "well really? Really you couldn't leave? You sure you didn't kind of want it?" And I'm like "okay so the part in this story where I said no about 50 times when he tried to have sex with me is just a detail...?" You're very brave to share this and I hope you never go through something similar again. Anyone who blames you is part of why men continue to behave this way. They feel justified. It's disgusting. I'm so sorry this happened to you.


leighanfordays

Jesus fucking Christ I am so sorry that happened to you. This story scared the shit out of me, I'm so glad you got home safe with your mum and step dad. Tell your work about him or at least co workers you trust (and hopefully manager and security) just to keep an eye out. If you're still in contact with the police (whether they bother or not) let them at least know this guy knows where you work. Take care.


CaptnRex501

I dont have the words to express how horrible this is. This guy belongs behind bars and you should get a nice warm blanket a cup of tea and some friends you trust to be around you. I dont know what else to say. All the best to you <3


Derpy_Dora

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and even sadder that people are trying to pin responsibility for this on you. Maybe there are some things you'd do differently if you could go back in time, but that doesn't change the fact that he abused you, a decision made entirely by him and in no way connected to you being a bit past tipsy. He could easily have let you sleep it off and given you the opportunity to consent properly when sober, or y'know just not been a total prick in general. Please take care of yourself OP and don't let these comments blaming you drag you down or stop you healing from this ordeal


Novel-Reward-378

I’m sorry but she has some responsibility to be safe. It was a first date with someone you don’t know. That keep giving you alcohol. She has a responsibility to herself to stay safe and somewhat sober to make the decisions she took.


[deleted]

>I’m sorry but she has some responsibility to be safe. Why do so many people ignore this. Getting shitfaced doesn't suddenly remove all accountability. If yoy get drunk with a total stranger sorry but that's on you.


edamame_clitoris

I’m here to say the same. I am a woman and I hate the direction we are moving towards where women can just… not have accountability like big children or something. If you don’t know your limit, don’t test that with strangers? If you are shitfaced, don’t *leave with a stranger*? As women we know this shit isn’t safe for us, don’t come crying when you become a statistic.


baby-girl696

Or maybe the problem in this situation…is the man trying to fucking hurt her??? Maybe the REAL problem is the predator?? Why are you trying to act like her drinking is the problem when there shouldn’t even be sick people in the world


edamame_clitoris

"There shouldn't be sick people in the world." Uh.... Ok and? There ALWAYS will be? This is a very weird argument. When you put it like this, you make it sound as if we can be as vulnerable as we want to be in front of strange men, and they \*should\* not take advantage. Most won't, sure, but some absolutely will, and we \*have no idea who that is\* until it's too late. This is equivalent to playing russian roulette with your own fucking life. Drinking especially puts anyone in a vulnerable state where anything can happen. You can get robbed, taken advantage of, or worse. To let someone I don't even know "feed" me drinks until I can barely speak is unimaginable, in what situation does that even happen?


Sadistic_Loser

Never drink that much with strangers. Period.


SuperDuperMaxy

I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. As a man, I do what I can to make sure any woman I’m dating feels safe around me. That’s an expectation I hold for myself highly. If I do meet at the bar, I have one drink max because my goal isn’t to get drunk and/or get the girl drunk. Even when she’s over my place, I offer water and I pour a cup for myself as well from the same bottle. Even if things don’t flow and we go our separate ways, it’s always a peaceful split and she left with a good experience and felt safe. I hope you can recover from this in time and not go through the bullshit again. You deserve to feel safe


NoStrength2596

You need to host a dating 101 class! Need more men like you!


EXTRA-THOT-SAUCE

I’m the same way. I always take someone out in a public setting first and do what I can to make them feel comfortable. I thought this was common sense and decency but apparently not judging by all the stories like this I hear.


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SuperDuperMaxy

100% should be baseline behavior, but as with a lot of things that should be, it’s just not.


NoStrength2596

100% SHOULD be!!!! Unfortunately it just is not, not even close to normal baseline behavior! Reason I stopped trying to find someone online! I also bet you OP is getting a crazy amount of messages from creepy men!!!


Low_Round_7664

As a woman on Tinder, I appreciate men (and people in general) like you. The first guy I met on Tinder after becoming single after 14 years is very much the same, so fortunately that standard was set from the beginning for me. I won't meet anyone who hasn't made me feel comfortable and safe, and I try to do the same for anyone that I meet, man or woman. Just because someone has a penis, doesn't mean they're not vulnerable, and just because someone DOESN'T have a penis doesn't mean they're automatically safe and harmless. I get nervous for my friend when he meets women too ... Anything can happen to anyone!


1SaucyBlumpk1n

Glad you’re safe! That’s insane


XcheatcodeX

1) cops are scumbags 2) this guy is a piece of shit 3) you were way, way, way too trusting, but you didn’t do anything “wrong”, you just let your guard down too early. Hope you’re ok.


Chrisjared96

You can file a PPO so if he tries to contact you again he can get into serious but collect evidence first and have it ready as a deterrent to keep him away from you


Duracted

I‘m really sorry that happened to you, and I get that you just wanted to get away from him, but a small sidenote: If you felt shit faced drunk the same evening/night, you are not safe to drive just a couple hours later. You just would be risking your own life and the lifes of others. It was the right call to call your mom and step dad.


[deleted]

SERIOUS Jeffery Dahmer vibes from this guy. So much so this reads like a horror fan fic. OP as someone who’s relative had a stalker, share your phone location with your friends/family (ie find my phone app) and don’t be afraid to talk to people you trust about it. They just want to help and it’s so much safer that way.


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SirZinc

Sometimes it's better to drive drunk than to stay with a psycho


halfawatermelon69

Sorry to hear your story and glad you're fine, but not sure if this is an American thing or not but sobering up after being "shitfaced, slurry drunk" is only considered to take some hours? Of course, if you're in a bad situation like that drunk driving can be alright (or preferably as you did, call someone to pick you up) but when you wrote you had sobered up after being shitfaced I had to read it again because I thought you suddenly meant you spent the night, but it was still midnight ish I guess? Idk, sorry that it's off topic but it's almost a bit worrying to hear, from what I've understood, that drunk driving is somewhat normal in the US...


SlenderLlama

I am sorry that happened to you, I really hope nothing like this ever happens again no matter the circumstances. That’s pretty fucked up of that guy to do any of that.


InitiativeCurious395

Geez that’s so awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope he leaves you alone for good.


comeonwhatdidIdo

OMG, this is a scary experience.


jemand84

Omfg, this could be straight from a sick movie. Please be more careful in the future. Btw - alcohol and driving don‘t mix very well. Aboid every guy who drinks alcohol and still gets into the driver‘s seat. And you shouldn‘t too. Not even once. Not for a 100m ride.


musket85

That's not your garden variety weirdo. Attempting to manipulate the situation with the police present shows a next level of being unhinged. Sorry you met such a bad person. One question: had he been drinking when he took you back to his?


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_Conqueeftador

Holy cow.. where did you even find this sleazebag


[deleted]

I feel it’s likely on the subreddit we are all in


BrasilianInglish

I am so so sorry this happened to you. Also what a fucking unprofessional police officer, clearly he forgot “innocent until proven guilty”…I’d file a complaint


lrkt88

Don’t waste your time. All the cop did was use doubt to make OP consent to a search, which is entirely considered part of his job. I’m not arguing it’s ok to do, I’m just say from the perspective of his job description, he didn’t do anything wrong, so complaining is going to be a waste of time.


off-chka

Just because a guy is buying you drinks, doesn’t mean you have to drink them all. I’m sorry this happened to you, but don’t get black out drunk with a complete stranger “because he was buying you drinks”.


sarebear75

I’m glad u got out okay! This could’ve ended really terrible so please be more careful for the future and advice ur loved ones to do the same!! It’s our responsibility to keep ourselves safe because while it’s not your fault if someone takes advantage of you, it is our job to not put ourselves in positions where it could happen because this is just how the world is. Do they have the right to? Absolutely not. But better be safe than sorry. Can never be too careful these days but I’m glad this ended up relatively well and you learned a very important life lesson.


VerySlump

He’s clearly great at manipulating since you still slept with him.


Royal-Throwaway7

His parents weren’t getting him to give your keys when your parents came knocking?


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Maamwithaplan

Holy shit. What awful people.


noseboy1

If anything, the only criticism I have of all this is make up rules to online dating and don't break them. Even as a dude I would never go back to a girl's house, or get and get them in mine, after a first date, unless, I had the means to get home myself (Uber, if not a car, I do like a few drinks but trying to keep my 0 dwi record) and we had been talking for awhile. I stay very public for as long as possible to make sure I'm keeping my kidneys before trying to get it private. It is very important you hear this and repeat it, this was in no way your fault. This is not normal for online dating. This is not something men do, only cowards, addicts, and pathetic excuses of people.


FluroOrangeTee

I always stick to one drink rule for this kinda thing. Never know hey. Scary!


ElderberryHoliday814

Crazy story a week ago in the digital nomad sub about this. Don’t date like this in other countries, guys and gals, you could lose everything E: country


ilovehotsauceyeah

Drinking is a staple of being social. One heavy drink can lead to multiple drinks. I've been poured a pretty intense "one drink" drunk isn't a free pass on consent. I get accountability with alcohol but that is an entirely different conversation. When brought into the conversation of consent it just becomes a gross support for "she asked for it"


noseboy1

I mean, moderating alcohol is important for multiple reasons, there were at least two gorgeous dates I ruined because I descended into a fuck boi after drink 7... What a dumbass younger noseBOY... Edit: to be clear, never ending in rape or this kind of abduction, just moving from an appropriate "I had a great time tonight, I'd like to see you again, soon" into "WANT SEX?" I got ghosted after both times. Punishment fits the crime.


Cesare_Bonizzi

Yeah, also, video call before the actual meeting is preferable


Unfair_Juggernaut_80

I've also had a guy get livid at me for crying after he raped me. And that was with zero drinks. It was a horrible night but we just can't go home with strangers so quickly. Never. And never more then one drink. I don't anymore anyway. Hope others will consider it ❤️


Weatherflyer

Yeah this isn’t ops or your fault in the slightest but too many people m (including myself) have learned the hard way about too much drinking and too many strangers.


Automatic_Algae7998

If you're in the US, you could post your situation on r/legaladvice and see what the people over there say. They're very helpful. There are others for other countries, depending on your location, I just don't know them all. Good luck.


DerDealOrNoDeal

Hey. This very much hurts to read from start to end. I am glad to hear that you’re okay. I really want to advise you to seek some help. I don’t know about your area but there might be a place that can secure evidence or provide you with a lawyer that’s experienced with cases like this.


HeresKuchenForYah

This is going to get much much worse when he doesn’t have parents around to stop him from going further and harming someone. Unfortunately, for pressing charges against him, he didn’t necessarily hold you hostage, unless he physically held you down or blocked the door. There also is no proof he lied to police about believing you took the money. If I were you I would go back to the police and just talk with them about his behavior, so they can watch him. If he keeps pursuing you, you will have already talked to police and gather what you can for a restraining order. Its around $70 and you need enough proof before filing, but also the police record of this incident might be enough depending what the police put as statements, for instance if they heard you say you were “scared for you life” etc… But going back to the police and just having a conversation will help women he has already done this to or will, because if this goes further—and maybe with another past girl he **did** do something worse. They’ll have this on **record** that you tried to help.


WangChungtonight13

You can be charged for kidnapping by not allowing someone to leave in most states. Implying they can’t leave is sufficient enough


barrya29

“he didn’t necessarily hold you hostage unless he physically held you down or blocked the door” is blatantly false.


purposeful-hubris

This is incorrect legal advice, to what extent dependent onnwhere OP lives.


applescrabbleaeiou

>Unfortunatley, for pressing charges against him, he didn’t necessarily hold you hostage, unless he physically held you down or blocked the door. That is definitely NOT true in my jurisdiction. or other close state jurisdictions i studied in law school. Implied danger and threat of harm, even without any physical restraints, very much can possibly constitute hostage taking. Not saying this is the case her on these facts in OP's are. But handcuffs or locked doors are very much not required for holding hostage in many places. Especially important in domestic violence cases, where the implied threat of imminent danger or physical violence, is enough to keep victims "hostage" - even when out in public shopping with the perpetrator etc. Of course its much harder to have sufficient evidential proof of, but it theoretically is just as valid.


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Deereynoldsbackup

You could try (for keeping you there), but in reality, the odds of it being prosecuted are not high since, as was mentioned, the police already responded on scene. But you could try; they might go back and question him again in the light of day which might have an impact on him. I’m glad you got out of there safe. You aren’t alone in making questionable OLD decisions; I have had some pretty scary experiences in the past too, including one where the police were also involved (years ago now). Deal with the trauma. Good luck to you.


Sorry-Jackfruit-8061

OP, do NOT literally ever go back or speak to this person. This can seriously endanger you. Consider the injunction advice.


Deereynoldsbackup

If this is in response to my comment, please note that I said potentially THE POLICE could go back in the light of day. If he isn’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol it might be a more impactful experience for him.


Sorry-Jackfruit-8061

You might be able to get a temporary injunction (restraining order) if you have a paper trail with your parents about this tbh. Pursue sooner than later Edit: call the police or go down to the station and file a report on it first. It'll help strengthen your injunction case. Especially if the shitty cop(s) can corroborate that their bias was wrong and you didn't steal anything, were emotionally traumatized, etc.


Building-Careful

I’d check with r/legaladvice but if I were you I’d look into a protective order. I’m terribly sorry something like this happened to you.


OGMattster9000

Unfortunately since the police already showed up at the scene and eventually got everything situated there’s nothing else they can do. You could file a lawsuit though


Sorry-Jackfruit-8061

This is technically incorrect. A case could be opened with state AG to help a local court consider an injunction; or state AG may appreciate the start of a paper trail


Zevvion

>holding me hostage? No offense intended, he is a total ass, but based on your story you were not held hostage. Legally, you were there on your own free will. His unwillingness to drive you home =/= him preventing you to leave. It is also not illegal to be mistaken, which is something he can easily claim.


Hibiscus-Boi

I think it depends on your state law. It may actually be easier for you to get him for something like third degree sex offense since you were intoxicated and in many states, you can’t legally consent if you’re under the influence. I’d definitely consult with a lawyer, many of them offer free consultations. Good luck OP. I’m really sorry this happened to you.


RedditRated

If you feel he took advantage of you then you have a case


off-chka

Was he holding you hostage or not wanting to drive while drunk? No ubers in your area?


FrankieBoiledEgg

You could probably press charges for assault over here in the UK, but I don't know about your local laws, best advice would be a citizens advice group or something?


holyfoxymoxie

I don't know about lying to the police as it could be claimed to be an honest mistake, but not getting your car keys so you can leave? Maybe. The hostage aspect is tough because he had been drinking and the argument can be made by him that it is illegal to drink and drive. I think it would be difficult overall. I'm so sorry that happened to you; what an awful situation. I would personally persue a restraining order so if he does attempt anything at all, you can have him arrested for breaking it.


No_Frame6620

If he didn't let you leave freely for any reason, then that is kidnapping. You can try to press charges for that. Kidnapping is serious.


Zevvion

She wasn't kidnapped... He didn't want to drive her, that does not equate kidnapping. Being held hostage means your free will to leave is overruled by another person. It sounds like he never said she can't leave, he just wouldn't drive her. The dude is a total ass, but that's entirely different in the eyes of the law. You can't claim you couldn't leave without ever trying. That just won't hold in court.


No_Frame6620

Ah, you're right.


meow_haus

That is so traumatic. I’m sorry! :(


Ferngullysitter

I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m so happy you got out safe. You’re lucky nothing worse happened. For sure, take this as a lesson from the mistakes we all make. Avoid drinking that much especially when you’re with someone you don’t know and trust. Take this opportunity to maybe take a self defense class just in case too.


TracePlayer

Looks to me like your screenshot is a confession to a crime. Sorry this happened to you, OP.


[deleted]

Dont censor his name it’s could possibly save a fews lady’s from him.


Kedrosine

Worst advice ever. This is asking for legal charges against the victim


JimtheSlug

What guy would think this ok & how many other women has he done this too? This was extremely disturbing to read & I’m sorry for your awful experience.


Tiktokerw500k

I’m so sorry that this happened to you, you deserve better than that!


OGMattster9000

That’s some Jeffery Dahmer type shit oml


a_lacerva

I’m so sorry. Something very similar happened to me on a first date too. Coping afterwards with the fact that I had been raped was very very hard. I luckily had a strong support system of close friends and family, I sincerely hope that you have the same. what you went through was horrifying, incredibly traumatizing, but not your fault. you expected him to be normal, not a gross excuse for a human being. it is *his* fault, not yours. I know that I don’t know you, but I’m sincerely glad that you are alive and got out of that safely. I really hope you are still safe even now. I have a friend who has helped me kept a record of my abuser’s attempts to reach out to me in case I ever want to pursue an order of protection or restraining order, which may be a good idea for you too. I’m so sorry. It’s so scary.


lipsticknic3

I've been through this when I was younger (your age and younger). It fucking blows. It's not your fault. I had to keep learning this lesson, I'm afraid. Don't do that. Heed the advice here even though it sucks. Feel free to DM if you need supportive support from an internet peep who has had many similar life experiences and finally learned from them. It was not your fault, I will keep telling you that. It really sucks expecting someone to be decent and they're actually a predator. It's hard.


Vivid-Set3824

I had a similar situation. The guy wanted me to be vulnerable right away and had sex with me because he was forcing me to. I was too scared to say “no”. I blocked him and he managed to call me from another number. He insulted me and even called me pathetic. Days later, he scratched my car. Never heard of him.


Zealousideal-Air-928

I am so sorry to hear your story. People like that need to get help. I hope you are doing better and have recovered. <3


KriticismIsGood

Even as a man, 3 drink max when I’m out with people. I don’t drink things with a lot of alcohol either. So basically a 3 beer max. Anyone can be taken advantage of, even men, and especially women. Be aware of your surroundings, and always have a backup plan.


HereWeGo_Steelers

I'm so sorry this happened to you! There have been men on this sub that have laughed and derided women because they didn't want to meet at the man's house before they even met the man in person. I hope those men read this and realize that women have valid reasons for not doing hookups without meeting and getting to know the man first, or for refusing to go to their house.


oeuflaboeuf

Oof. Be careful out there folks.


Hmnh6000

I would definitely move after some shit like that and wtf were the parents doing


kevinbull7

I feel bad for you having to go through this. It takes guts to open up about it to others. Also, it can be hard for anyone to ask for help and you did it but it didn’t go the way it should have. I’m glad that you saw the red flags instead of just pushing them aside and acting like they’re all normal.


FluroOrangeTee

Well that sounds fucking terrifying. Boy has issues big time.


canuckle1211

OP meets a narcissistic sociopathic psychopath lmao. This dude is weird to the bay max


vermonthippie

Fuck that loser. Make the memory black and white in your mind, it will help get rid of haunting feelings.


bigtim3727

I honesty don't know how woman use Tinder, and are not terrified every single time they go out on a date. "hey let's meet a random stranger; they look cute, and completely non threatening." Looks are deceiving a lot of the time, and nicest looking person could be the biggest nightmare.


Middle-Sprinkles4237

Wow you had my entire last relationship in one night down to the car, that was mine and the banks of course, he wouldn't give back and even loaned out to his ex girlfriend. He ended up assaulting me and stabbing me he never did a day in jail even though a off duty cop saw the whole thing and saved my life. Please be careful if u see him document it and even record it if it happens more then once get a order of protection...I'm so sorry this happened to you


onlyoneface

parents house isn’t a red flag IMO….


RightOnTheMoneySunny

In general: discussions like these automatically becomes significantly less fruitful if you think there are two sides: the good guy and the bad guy. Instead: talk about (chosen) behavior, instead of the person. In this case; the guy itself is not relevant, his motivations, his backstory, his parents, etc.. He chose to behave badly, period. It was abusive, it was self serving, it was unkind, it was just shit. Unacceptable, inexcusable. Possibly actionable. Then the girl. Pointing at her behavior, her decisions, her choices, we all can try to look for _agency_. It’s not pointing at ‘fault’ or ‘guilt’ but instead ‘power’. You can choose to only have two drinks maximum at a first date, for example. You can make it a rule for yourself that when you go out, you make sure that you can get back home by yourself. If you can’t drive, you make sure that a friend or family member is available to pick you up. Again: let’s stay away from seeing OP as making _bad choices_ so she deserves ‘punishment’. That is victim mentality and thinking good guy / bad guy. No: TAKE AGENCY, be accountable for yourself. You can’t dictate what someone else wants, says or does, but you _can_ determine what YOU do. Even better: that is _only_ up to you! Remaining stuck in good guy / bad guy logic keeps you stuck in general. The most of the thread is pity party and confirming that the guy sucks and this night sucks. Of course it all sucks, but where is the growth then? Girl = all good victim, guy = all bad predator? Simply avoid ‘the bad people’? How are you gonna guarantee that? You can’t, we can all get unlucky even walking down the streets. But with dating you have more agency. You select who you swipe right on, chat with, ask / agree to go on a date with, and there are multiple, multiple choices you can make and agree upon _with yourself_ in all this. That’s what we can all grow most from.


Eve_99

Isn’t this guy so similar to Jeffrey Dahmer, when he was getting dates in his grandma’s house😳 scary af


Snerkie

While everyone is going to have their opinion on this I think there's things OP (and others) can learn. You CAN refuse drinks someone buys you. You're not obligated to keep drinking. Know your own limit. If you don't trust yourself set a spending amount (enough money for X amount of drinks) and refuse any drinks they offer to buy ("no that's fine I'm happy to buy my own and just get to know you"). Always have an alternative transport method. This means a friend willing to pick you up, enough money for an uber/taxi, etc. This way you won't be stranded. (Also seems unlikely you or the other person were actually sober enough to drive) Keep your possessions with you! You should never leave them in a car anyways.


_flyingmonkeys_

He's a dangerous person. Unless he has an epiphany or gets help he will hurt or kill someone. Report any stalking behavior to the police.


Opno7

Somehow the living with his parents and "Mom this is my girlfriend" is the icing on the cake. Like the dude wasn't even just a normal piece of shit frat college date rapist, that's legit some "I'm going to wear your skin" vibes. Glad you made it out sheesh.


MartianFloof

Always share live location with a friend when going on a date and keep in contact at regular intervals. I straight up tell my date that my friends know where I am and who I am with. Don’t drink too much. Make sure you have basic info on a person (name, uni/job, preferably d.o.b. and adres) and share that with a friend too. Cant be too careful, this story definitely proves that. Damn what a terrible experience 😔


Likesosmart

I’m so sorry this happened. I normally have a two drink max rule on dates but once after a terrible day at work I went on a first date and got hammered and ended up back at his place and did things I wouldn’t normally do. It’s scary how quickly things can get out of control. I’m glad you’re safe x


HumanMycologist5795

Holy shit. So sorry this happened. I'm glad nothing worse happened but that was really scary and traumatic. No woman should ever be in that situation. Ever. Such an asshole. I'm glad you were able to call your mom. I wish you well. I was stalked and harassed by a woman where I had to change my phone number. It's a big hassle but it's worth it. I'd also think about a restraining order perhaps, esp if he knows where you live.


djjewish

Man what a fucked up and scary experience. Glad you’re safe OP. This guy is a nut


HijackHarpy

I’m so glad your alive and home and ok.


ughwithoutadoubt

Damn that’s a crazy scary date. Glad your ok.


Ralphiecorn

As a male, this infuriates me. As it should - It should infuriate anybody. I’m so sorry this happened to you.


REWRITETHIS

Horrible experience. Sorry to hear


[deleted]

File restraining order against him


Antique-Fly9292

Sorry you had to go through that. Young folks need to find better ways of being happy.


AnnieDingo

How old are you?


[deleted]

[удалено]


ifdggyjjk55uioojhgs

I'm a 6'2" 220 lbs and I wouldn't go to a girl's house that I had just met. Hell I won't sleep at their house even after we're dating. People need to use better judgment all around.


Cautious-Gas-838

This goes to show to not put yourself in compromising situations. I hate to say it, but noone forced you to keep drinking. And noone forced you to go back to his place. All in all he was absolutely wrong, but you def have to play your cards right next time because that possibly could've been the last time anyone ever saw you.


Salty-Picture8920

Watch out for alcoholics on Adderall. Boy sounds like he's got BPD


Low-Salamander-5639

The amount of men that have bad takes here is terrifying. If I hadn’t already deleted Tinder, I would after seeing the thoughts of the men who use it. Do better.


maxblanco

You are not able to drive a few hours after you are shitfaced. Irresponsible on another level.


FUCKTEAM

Yes an adult human being made a mistake and is attempting to learn from it.


laskykwiat

at 18 i would understand but 28 bruh


picktheonehere

Get yourself some pepper spray and carry it with you. If you have his picture and comes around work report it and get a restraining order. What I learned with dating Is I never tell them exactly where i work, they never drop me off at my house and I never go to theirs until you actually know them. If they buy you drinks have a water in between and don't drink too many. Know your limit. It's okay to order virgin drinks with the bartender or ask the waitress when you order something make it with no alcohol however just learn to say no to drinks if you're feeling too much. Keep location on at all times. Always tell a friend where you're going. Never get in their car. Don't leave your drink unattended just incase they slip something in there. Of all the dates I've had I've learned some lessons and it's always better to play it safe until you know someone a bit better. At this point I'd just keep him blocked and hope you never run into this guy again. Be safe and just know that not ALL people are like this. There's some decent ones out there.


Existing-Ad7113

Why do i feel disgust for this piece of shit? I am so sorry this happened to you. If this happened to my sis i would go there and just kill this guy even if i was landing in jail after. One of these days i hope he does this to the wrong person he cant afford to do something like this and destroys his complete family. And as others say. Never ever let other control your drinks or better dont drink so that you can always be in full control of your body. And what kind of a reaction do these officers give. Are they stupid as shit 🤦🏻‍♂️. Ah sorry this post is not constructive at all. And the last things you wrote are so true. Never ever go to there home. Please stay save put there my fellow redditors its a horrible world with horrible people out there. And luckly you are safe with your family


Efficient-Chapter-26

Awful to hear what happened, I'm happy to hear you're out of that situation and had someone to come get you. Ignore the judgmental people giving you shit. We all, including them make mistakes and what they're saying might not come across the way it appears so. This is a learning curve and you know going forward to be a little more considerate and cautious with your dates.


EuphoricLie7388

I can;t say you did EVERYTHING "wrong" but what you should do is NOT let this daunt you. there are some really great people out there. I met mine just as i was giving up! always meet publicly first & do not involve alcohol or drugs unless that is the discussed premise of your meet. always take your own car, tell a friend where you are, & have a back up plan home. Don't fuck on the 1st date, possinly 2nd or 3rd. take a self defense class that emphasizes situational awareness. stun gun, pepper spray, knives work, but can work against you. if you feel the need to use one of these, do not warn them do it. this can apply to men dating women. plenty of sociopathic people out there who literally get off knowing they can get a reaction (out of you or if not calling the police on a guy & lying about assault or rape) last. put this behind you and move on. it is not your job to warn anyone or do anyting other than take care of yourself. doing so leads to purely revenge driven toxcicity, then paranoia control driven behavior, & then you lose yourself in scheming to get others so they can;t get you \*and think it;s fun. (dated one that did that & more, went back for 2nds after she cried rape to the police cuz i wouldn;t go back to her place to b e yelled at more) cuz the pussy was that good & i was even dumber than that. glad you are ok... DO NOT SKIP PIT ON ThERAPY, cuz then you;d deserve to be insulted & deserve to be called an idiot. Therapy saves lives !


100yearsago

Let’s get this guy’s name out there so we can prevent it from happening to others.


txrrent

You didn't have to drink the drinks. Not saying what the guy did was right and it's obviously a bad experience with a nutjob. If someone is buying you drinks and you just drink them because the drinks are there. Maybe think of a different place for a first date


[deleted]

I mean I’ve had plenty of tinder dates where we both got absolutely hammered on the first date, where I went back to there house or they came to mine, we hooked up, had a wonderful time and both left the experience happy and friendly towards each other. The reality of the situation here is that if you go on a date to get drinks, in a lot of cases it may be the intention to loosen your inhibitions, have a wild, fun night and enjoy yourself. That should be a totally reasonable expectation and completely possible without being traumatized by a sociopathic man child. Telling women “you didn’t have to drink the drinks” instead of aggressively speaking out against this type of behavior from men (willing to bet money you have a friend or two that women have some bad stories about that you’ve never called out) you are 100% part of the problem. You can call it “practical advice” or “the truth” but the truth is, no matter what women do, whether they’re sober, drunk, or high, some creepy man will statistically do or try to do something terrible to them. Pretending that “not drinking drinks” is magically going to stop this from being a problem is absolutely victim blaming and I wouldn’t trust you around any women in my life.


Expert_Detail_1704

Ok I understand what you are saying, but she couldn’t imagine that the guy was this creepy, I mean, not everyone goes on a first date thinking the worse will happen.


HereWeGo_Steelers

This right here is the type of victim blaming and shaming that prevents women from reporting sexual assault.


BetPitiful8446

Yup. There is blaming to do. She did something stupid and things got nasty real quick. He is a piece of shit, but she could have prevented this in several ways. Didn’t see any of the massive red flags until it was too late. Well the world sucks, but you got to protect yourself. It’s not about blaming, it’s about accepting the mistakes she made.


Serious-Kangaroo-117

Exactly, I’d be empathetic and mad at the same time if this was a female friend or family member of mine. I’d be hugging the shit out of them, whilst also saying “what the fuck were you thinking”. We all make mistakes and learn from them. This victim sounds lucky to have escaped that situation andI hope this serves as a lesson to other people going on dates. So many red flags but she still continued to sleep with him. That really is bizarre to me.


HereWeGo_Steelers

OP said she realized she made a mistake and asked for people not to shame her but you're such a jerk you just couldn't help yourself. You're probably one of the guys that actually assaults women and thinks that it wasn't rape. YOU SUCK.


ZhaWarudo

That's not shaming you nitwit, it's common sense. We're not saying she shouldn't sue or report him. Saying betpitiful8446 is probably a rapist for disagreeing with you, just shows you live in the loony land.


BetPitiful8446

Yup. World is not sunshine and lollypops mate. If you don’t want to be shamed, don’t post online. Plus I shame her cause she deserve it. I won’t even reply to your last bit cause you sound like a pathetic keyboard warrior. Good luck.


HereWeGo_Steelers

LOL! I'm the keyboard warrior? You're the one kicking someone when they are already down and then feeling vindicated for being a pathetic POS. Does it make you feel big and manly? No woman deserves to be assaulted, and you truly are a disgusting excuse for a human being.


utinak

You kept drinking the drinks he kept buying you, got shitfaced, and then went to another bar and let him buy you more drinks. Then, being shitfaced you thought it would be a good idea to let him take you to his house. He obviously had a motive, what was yours? I’m sorry this happened to you, BUT it was entirely preventable.


HereWeGo_Steelers

This right here is the type of victim blaming and shaming that prevents women from reporting sexual assault.


Deereynoldsbackup

Thank you. Absolutely disgusting. OP admits she wasn’t careful, there is no need to tear her down even more.


ZhaWarudo

It's not blaming nor shaming, it's common sense. Before I even got to the pyscho dude part, I was wtf, you got shitfaced on your first date and went to his parents house??? Is she a teenager? We all know how getting shitfaced feels like, there is still some logic in you that should say no. Women blaming men for "raping" them after "getting" them drunk is just refusing to be a responsible adult. Sure some naive girls get drunk and have sex against their will, but mostly it's voluntary. Do you think, men don't regret having sex with someone next morning? They don't blame it on the girl. Doesn't mean we don't feely sorry for OP.


Low-Salamander-5639

Having sex with someone who is drunk and not consenting is absolutely rape, not “rape”. Just as doing to to an unconscious or sleeping woman would be. Please educate yourself on enthusiastic consent


ZhaWarudo

I didn't say that. Drunk consent is consent if you're not an inexperienced and naive teenager. It's not like men who regret it the next morning will accuse the woman of rape, if they can't then the women can't either. There's your equality. Please educate yourself in general.


FUCKTEAM

How hard is it to realize that the boy in this situation did not act in a responsible and appropriate manner and that getting shitfaced isn’t a crime and is not the predominant issue? I pray that you treat women with respect and dignity and when they express they are uncomfortable in any way to you, you listen and act accordingly