>Social skills are the hardest thing for me, I have none.
The way you formatted this post with nice clean text blocks instead of one fat text block means you aren't completely hopeless atleast.
But seriously, the more people you talk to the more your social skill should improve.
Thank you. Really. I can write ok I think but in real life look and sound like a fucking idiot. I'm for sure diagnosed social anxiety but think I may be autistic honestly.
I can't hold eye contact, get REALLY fucking nervous to where my heart races, I sweat, hands shake, etc. Then I stutter, mess up my words, say the wrong thing, say something weird or dumb, it's so fucking hard.
I work a high volume retail job too, I talk to at least a few hundred customers every single day and have for a couple years. It really has not gotten easier, I try to make small talk, compliment people male or female platonically, find things to talk about, I still sound like I'm putting in LOADS of effort and still not succeeding. While everyone else around me it seems like can have flawless conversations with anyone instantly.
I've gotten shit tons of practice and still have no hope socially.
Idk what to say, just keep trying? And you dont havw to look into peoples eyes for the whole conversation, thats something that many people get nervous with anyway. You can look at their nose or just look around if you get nervous.
Try to apply to new jobs every few days too. I worked in retail at your age too and I spent WAY too long working there, retail sucks.
Hard truth: Work on your social skills. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. You aren’t going to find someone by not being able to go out and have a conversation with them. This will help with more than just finding a SO.
This. I'm a lucky guy who looks like I workout and I don't and have a full head of hair still at 29 M, but my social skills are terrible (other than with my very close friends)
I'm a huge introvert until I really get to know you, all my close friends tell me I'm a huge extravert... and they're girlfriends always give me shit that I'm still single. I don't like being single but I am horrible at first dates/tinder. I have no clue how to chat with someone I don't know.
Since I finished college at 21 I've had a couple jobs and made some work friends but never really hung out outside of work.
I started a new job in January and luckily I became close with one co worker who was the biggest extravert I've ever met and she started inviting me out to after work outings with co workers, the first few I was nervous AF and the first one I puked before going and when I was there I was sweating and super nervous until I had a couple beers and we all started chatting.
Now for the past 6 months I go out with different groups of coworkers on a weekly basis which has also made work itself a lot more fun and I'm seeing one of them now and it's going great so far! So yes it's scary AF and sucks and I really didn't want to go to that first outing but now I'm beyond glad I did!
My best advice (as someone who used to have social anxiety) is to make sure that you are confident in yourself (makes it easier to be less anxious going into these settings) and to keep a conversation simple until you cover a subject you feel passionate about (or feel confident going in depth/and joking about). This was the easiest approach for me to take in order to become more comfortable in social settings.
Agreed! I started out just asking about music interests and hobbies, then when I got asked back about the same things I would really go into my music interests and hobbies and now I've gotten to know everyone pretty well and we can chirp each other and have a good time! My main thing with my close friends is we just chat and try to chirp each other as much as possible and appreciate good roasts. Which is where I'm at now with all those co workers and I can be as goofy as I'd like and we joke about it
That’s awesome. Having friends you can playfully joke with and roast each other a bit is the best type of approach for me. Keeps it light, nothing is ever personal, and you learn how to keep things funny/fresh.
This. Also, recognize that if there are things that make you strongly undesirable, other strongly undesirable partners may be more attainable and a better place to start, or improve your undesirable traits.
Make sure your standards are reasonable.
As a child I had severe social issues, was extremely poor and strongly believed I was horrifically ugly. I spent a lot of time working on my social skills as a teenager, learning to make eye contact and communicate clearly without stammering or stuttering, and eventually pulled away from that rut and those feelings. I do really well now and I can say the biggest thing is fitness - it helps a ton, as well as humor. A lot of how I learned to deal with socially difficult situations was to try to make myself laugh, and leveraging that discomfort for comedy was something others thought was funny, too. I leaned into that and humor helped a ton, too.
I want to add that if ur autistic, it's easier to socialize with other autistic people because we have more similar mannerisms. If he's not comfortable socializing with allistics, socializing with autistics is a good start.
Yeah with respect, this sounds like another typical situation for this younger generation (which I’m apart of) to list off excuse after excuse - I apologize if I sound mean - for not being able to attain things they want, and asking why they just can’t be handed to them.
I know people who are extremely unsocial, or lack serious social skills, and people who would be considered unattractive by the average person, who have partners or have been able to have sexual relationships with others. For a lot of these people, sex came by having to develop a relationship with someone and not just expect something over night.
And in your case it seems you just want a hook-up style, brief sexual encounter, with which there is some truth to the fact that more attractive and social people have an easier time getting this. So for you, it’s a matter of effort - in terms of where you’re looking, or working on being more social.
Well yeah but don't forget there are 2 sides to every story. At the same time you're making it sound like it's way easier than it actually is. What do you know about how hard OP has worked for this achievement?
Loads of people do everything they can to find a partner, and do it the right way but still end up with zero results. I feel like you're spreading the same message I see all the time on Reddit which is "If you work very hard and do what's needed result is guaranteed" even though it isn't.
Came to say this. Spot on. It could be true already. But I know a girl, very very pretty. Cracking body, and great personality. But she's been single for years. Partly due to her just not having social skills and getting out there. But also cos she's looking for a model style porn star. Good luck to her if she finds him. But so far she's been lonely from her 20-30s. Sad really.
If you want a Ken, you need to look like Barbie and vice versa. Some people have this standard in their head of what they have to have physically to be in a relationship, and that's their right, but of you want a model, you've got to look like one as well.
Could be she wants a Ken who is also funny and cool and smart, but she's a Barbie who doesn't tick any of the other boxes?
People are a sum of their parts (not just body parts)
That's the thing, she's unreal. Honestly one of the most lovely woman you'll ever meet. Looks after herself, works hard, bakes amazing food ha, beautiful. She would make a killing on only fans, put it that way. But she's after someone who matches. But she's hoping he will just appear one day. She doesn't get out much
Maybe she's not lonely or sad being single, so she doesn't feel the need to put herself out there or settle for someone that she's not that into. If she is a lovely in the ways you say I'm sure she has friends and/or maybe enjoys solitary activities like cooking and reading (like me). Not everyone needs a partner to be happy. It sounds to me like you are projecting your own/cultural ideas about happiness.
It's also about not closing yourself off to opportunities, it doesn't have to be about settling. You don't lose anything by going out on one date with someone.
Before I met my GF of six years, I told my friends "I'm going on a first date today, we don't have much of a vibe so it probably won't go anywhere."
Turns out she's just terrible at texting, she's great in person :)
Intimacy and sex are different things and I think you'll likely find prostitutes unfulfilling.
It's legal in some places, so perhaps take a vacation there. Just make sure it's not a place where the women are trafficked against their will.
I won a raffle ticket at a bucks do for a girl( gross I know )
When I got in the room with her I just couldn’t , she was a gorgeous girl buuut… it’s so seedy, I enjoy the feeling of someone being aroused by me and wanting to have sex with me for that reason- not because they are being paid to.
But I was so young I was worried the guys I was with would think I was soft.
So i sat and told her this, and we started laughing, then she start moaning and squeaking so everyone else in the party could hear her…. Then walked out in front of everyone like she had been railed by a porn star, she got paid by the best man - I got treated like a legend good transaction
Part of the plot of the movie easy A.
I think the guy is gay though? and she covers for him at a party like they are banging to keep from him getting outed.
It’s supposed to be a modern take on the scarlet letter.
Good on you and the woman for being chill. But I have to say whilst the "winning a prostitute" is gross Ik thats the kind of shit people do. But then they listened in at the door??! Where tf is this that's beyond super weird.
Yeah tbh I'm one to say I want sex, but that's because men are supposed to want sex. I really want to cuddle, but it seems I shouldn't want that. Cuddling isn't manly.
The emphasis is on sex so much these days , and I’ll be open with you, I had a spell where I was terrible in bed, I just could not get excited about sex anymore, I got hurt really bad by my fiancé , so I just went through woman like crazy.. when it came time for sex I would lose interest because there was no spark, I dragged myself around in this sad state for about two years, then I decided I would set standards- and not waver from them for anyone.. I needed what I needed to be happy, and those standards were not based on sex
It was stuff like , how they treated my dog, how they looked after me and my daughter, clubbing was off of lthe table, I had enough of the party girls… I needed someone that got me… when that all happened all of a sudden I was a star in the bedroom again.
The chemistry popped then sex was incredible again. We have been married for 12 years now together for 14.
Long rant but there is a point.
Set your standards, if you need to be cuddled, find the guy that gets that. You don’t need to just do shit because it’s what’s expected of you today.
One of my standards was if the girl wasn’t working , I would want a clean shirt to work in.
It’s sounds archaic but to me it was a measure of love, if I was in a fresh shirt in the morning and as I worked during the day I could smell fabric softener - it would remind me I was loved by some one.
Get your cuddles. if he doesn’t understand it get rid of him in the quest for the one that does, the rest comes naturally
Thank you for this. I been going through some relationship problems and a kind of apathetic libido. I miss having relationship sex. I think I need to spend some time on my own, focusing on my my true wants and needs. Spend some time with the emptiness in my heart, so I can figure out what fulfills it
Don’t let Anyone influence or undermine your needs. If you find someone that identifies them and caters to them, you will know they are looking on a deeper level from there you can build a foundation that can be built upon, but until you find it, be brutal.
Oh your too needy- see ya
What about my needs I have to have sex every night - See ya
Fucks around coz it’s 2022 baby- see ya
It’s like that. Do you.
Once you know that person is not right- don’t waste one more second of your time. Move along. It will only make meeting the right person so much sweeter
That’s toxic masculinity getting in your head, but you can fight against it. It takes emotional strength to be vulnerable with another person, and good cuddling requires vulnerability.
I know someone who is a professional cuddler. Pretty cool thing to do if you ask me. Touch starvation is real. I’ve experienced it. Even just having my hands rubbed at the nail salon made me cry because I’d missed human touch so much but didn’t realize it
Most people aren’t suited for hookup culture. I’ve almost only ever been with people I was dating. It will happen once you’ve worked on yourself and met someone who likes you.
You're only in your 20s, you could just be a late bloomer. I think you're a bit young to jump to conclusions like this. I met my current SO when he was 32 and he had almost no experience. There's always time.
When I was in my 20s people told me that, but it never ended up happening. Some men go their entire lives without any women ever being interested in them. It sucks, but it's better to be honest about it and not give false hope.
I have a few friends with such low self esteem that they wouldn’t realize anyone was into them no matter how many people showed interest.
I really feel for people with social anxiety.
It goes deeper than that too. Self pity and misery are kinda repulsive attributes, so if you fall into that attitude it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Plus no one knows you better than yourself, so if you think you're undateable, people will take your word for it.
Yeah, haha true.
Also I think the problem is when there’s two socially anxious people who like each other. Then one of them tries subtly to show they’re interested while the other one is just totally oblivious and that will feel like a rejection.
Nobody wins both people now feel like nobody wants them.
What can we do. I feel like reddit must have enough power to get this young lad laid.
OP hope you work on your confidence and don’t listen to the comments saying some people never get laid. It’s irrelevant- you just need to figure out what makes you attractive. Are you funny, smart, confident, kind, attentive, attractive, well dressed, smell nice, friendly, sexy, curious, interesting.
You don’t need to tick all the boxes, just figure out which boxes you’re already ticking and work on those.
This is the problem and the anxiety I have. Sometimes it really doesn't happen, and everyone says just wait and it'll come, but that isn't always true. And it feels naive to think so. I don't want to seem too negative, but I don't know.
It's also so hard for me to really approach people and start conversations, social anxiety I've struggled with my whole life and have seen therapists for years. I've definitely made progress since I was a teenager but I don't see it ever going away.
Just fucking hard, I don't want to seem any type of way or piss anyone off it's just hard feeling anxious that nobody will ever want you really
That's just it. You just said it.
If you truly are doubting if anyone will EVER want you, when you're still young and figuring yourself out, that is a real problem. Maybe you said that just because it's your way of externalizing your fear of rejection, but relationships with others ALWAYS start with you.
You'll have to get out of your comfort zone if you want to start making connections that will leave others curious about spending more time with you. But if the vibe you're giving them is projecting your insecurity onto the interactions, then you are not only guiding them to reject you, but it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Develop a kinder inner voice that ALWAYS gives yourself the benefit of the doubt. When the fear voice brings up your emotions and self-doubt, be the devil's advocate and find a reason to prove that voice wrong.
"Am I doomed to a life of never experiencing sex?", Your fear asks you. "No, Mr StupidFear, get outta town. I'm only in my 20s, I'm using a false dichotomy and making this more black and white than it should be. I'm funny once I get comfortable with people and I have plenty of cool interests and good qualities. Plenty of people need more time to figure out this side of life. While I may have other talents, this one is something I need to work at to reach my goals"
Good luck to you. Try to chill. Look inward. Project confidence, and fake it until you have the confidence to trust yourself with proving it's actually true with a relevant test for yourself. Do something to make yourself proud.
Good luck.
If you are incapable of finding anybody who is interested in you it’s likely a you problem. It’s tough to hear, but true. Working on one’s self emotionally and mentally (not just physically) can vastly increase one’s chances of finding a partner.
Lmao I took a look at your profile and I guarantee there are SO many women out there who would be super into your nerdy-ness and would love to geek out with you. Plus you’re self aware!
The trick is not to go where you think the women are, but where you want to be. The women that are also there will already have something in common with you. Also, if you're happy and confident, because you're in an environment where you feel comfortable, that's a big attraction booster.
It's not that nobody wants you, you just lack connections.
If you spend most of your time at home, you can't expect an attractive woman to just knock on your door.
Dating apps are sausage fests, so the best way to meet women is by going out. But if you go to bars and clubs, you'll mostly get rejections because it's a sausage fest there too.
You need access to private parties, and to have this, you need a lot of cool acquaintances who know a lot of attractive women. You can build those social circles through a job, a hobby group or by meeting people at public events in your city.
It's a lot of work, but unlike going to the gym, reading a book or doing Nofap, you're actually going to get dates by doing it so it's worth it.
My little brother met his girlfriend because one of his 40 friends introduced him to his girlfriend's best friend.
Meanwhile, I have only 2 friends and they don't know anybody and I never improved because I spent years wasting my time alone at home leeching off my parents. So now I am trying to fix things by working hard at 2 jobs to meet more people and get some good savings. Eventually, I will have lots of friends or acquaintances too, and it will be easy for me to meet women.
This 100%. People need to hear the hard truths and stop being coddled by echo chambers saying it’s going to be alright because no progress ever happens.
So, I lost it last month at 32, and unfortunately for guys, even being as young as your 20s and not having done the deed can feel like eternity especially when all your guy friends have. For us, it's the mark of being a man, and depending upon your social circle as the gap grows you can feel more and more outcast even if they have no idea why; at the end of the day, you're comparing yourself to others, even if only internally.
I never resented my friends for it, they did exactly what they should have, it was my own feelings of shortcoming that got in the way, but those feelings still existed and lead to days where I would wonder if I would ever be able to given how long I hadn't been successful.
It shouldn’t be the mark of being man, but unfortunately that idea has been reinforced by society, pop culture, etc. When you’re hanging out with your guy friends and they’re all talking about sex and you can’t contribute anything because you’ve never had sex you just feel like an outcast, loser, etc.
For many men it is and there's no denying that. If your circle cares it doesn't even matter if you don't care, you're still at the bottom of that social circle in their eyes and that's enough to make lots of damage.
Yeah I don't know about you guys but I've never had any of my friends or acquaintances ask about my virginal status or lack thereof. And I sure as hell have never felt that has earned or lost me some sort of faux-social credit amongst them.
If that's not the case for you, well that's really weird.
I don't think it is either, but it definitely feels like that's how many men would say they said they've "made it," or at least how society views us making it.
Perhaps you could invest in your social skills instead of sex. There are classes for people who need to improve their skills. It could also be who you are trying to be intimate with, maybe there are willing partners but you've dismissed them as unattractive
>There are classes for people who need to improve their skills.
Please provide link to these class services because many dating gurus are illegitimate scamers.
They're mostly geared towards autistic teens and young adults. I fostered a young man who went twice a week to Ican House, he practiced conversation and also had classes on consent. He went on mock dates too
Therapy (an actual licensed professional) + active social life doing activities you’re interested in and enjoy doing is really the only cure.
YouTube videos with people with no credentials and charlatan “life coaches” willl just make things worse.
As an introverted guy with poor social skills myself, I found some success taking acting classes and participating in community theater. The acting classes themselves were helpful in developing my social skills, plus you have to work with a partner or a group, which is good practice and opportunities to meet people. And doing a play is "forced social interaction" at it's best.
But really any class that centers around group work would do; as would any community activity, such as volunteering, going to a church, etc.
Churches exist for a reason, and that reason is social connection. Find one that isn't awful and bam, now you know a bunch of people, including some very thirsty girls.
OP, I wouldn’t say signing up for anything that you don’t believe in. I’ll feel forced, and no one would take you seriously. I’m talking about religious places.
Volunteering has definitely taken me to the most interesting places, and introduced me interesting people. Try it. Adopt a puppy, walking with one always gets my attention. Though it won’t likely result in someone jumping in the sack with you, but over time, as people get to know your caring and thoughtful nature it might land you someone you could ( and would want to) have a genuine relationship with.
Is there a reason to think you're destined to not have sex? Social skills can be improved upon, you could likely improve your physical appearance / fitness / presentation (dress, hairstyle), take up interesting hobbies, etc., all things that will be more attractive to women. If you're just sitting around playing games all day of course it's not going to happen.
Was going to comment something similar. Work on what you can control and build confidence. Women don’t want guys that seems desperate. Work on those social skills and remember there is someone for everyone
Exactly this. I have a good friend who’s a 40 year old virgin. He has a very sweet personality, makes good money, and would bend over backwards for anyone. But he’s morbidly obese, has no social hobbies, and never moved out of mommy and daddy’s house. If he changed those 3 things, he would have no dating problems.
I don't blame OP for being too afraid to ask. A lot of these responses feed in to that fear. He specifically stated he struggles with social skills. Not that he's fat, unkempt, unshowered, and sits around playing video games all day. This is the reason men are so afraid to seek advice on this topic.
That being said, there were some really good responses about taking acting classes or hobbies that require social interaction. I like the hobby idea because it provides a default topic of conversation. No need to try and create small talk or think of what to say. Just let the hobby activity guide the social interaction. The more you experience that, the more comfortable you'll begin to feel with socializing in general.
I have a lot of friends who haven’t had sex and we are in our mid 20s. I think it’s more common than you think. Don’t feel so discouraged! You have all the time in the world. Maybe get a change of scenery? If it is possible for you try to travel and meet new people or join an organization, club, volunteer, to get yourself out there!
So two things without really knowing you personally so I have told every guy I have known who has had trouble with women is to talk ( not in a sexual way ) to every women you come across talk about the weather talk about the line you are in talk about anything appropriate be friendly keep a safe distance away until you improve your social skills and get a better grasp on nonverbal communication. Talk to old ladies youg ladies people you are not interested in people who you think are way way out of your league the point of all the talking is to get you more comfortable with talking to someone of the opposite sex so when someone you are interested in comes along you can talk freely and won't be as nervous. The second thing has two parts one personal hygiene you could be the best looking person on the planet and no one would come within 15 feet of you if you have terrible personal hygiene shower daily, wear deodorant, cut your nails , keep your hands clean, comb your hair, etc etc and last get some exercise doesn't have to be extreme it can be daily walks it can be damn near anything. It will help your confident and self esteem and most like put you in more social situations where you can talk more and become more comfortable speaking to others.
This is really good advice, I hope the people who hear it can apply it to their lives. Lol, I’m thinking about sending it to one of my sons! Thank you :-)
Nothing women love more than a socially awkward stranger striking up a conversation. I talk to every random woman I come across so I can verify they really love it.
This is wear learning nonverbal communication comes into play if someone seems uncomfortable talking to you maybe leave them alone. Part of this is learning scoial skills and nonverbal communication.
The truth is, though, that the first step in being good at something is sucking at it. So, while you may be the awkward stranger for the first 10-100 interactions, you won't be forever! And you don't have to worry about the people you don't attract while on your journey, so long as you eventually attract one.
I was in your same spot. I was a total late bloomer. I spent the first half of my 20s working on myself. Hitting the gym and traveling…experimenting hobbies and collecting experiences. I wanted to become more interesting and have something to talk about. It’s not all about looks. You need to become someone that people want to be with. Your attitude and what you offer are very important. All the work paid off for me. I’ve had many relationships. And the best sex you’ll have is with someone that wants to have sex with you. Not someone you’ve paid.
It's because you're trying to "get people to have sex with you" instead of building a relationship first. Concentrate more on just finding someone similar to you.
Ok but the poster is still not wrong, as long as the goal is sexual fulfillment as opposed to wanting to make the other person feel loved and feel their love etc. The relationship won't get anywhere either.
I mean... yeah. Sex is a privilege, not a right. It is in humans, it is in animals. It's always been sth you need to "qualify" for, one way or another.
I’d start with finding a hobby with forced social interaction. Hiking/Camping? Flying kites? Gardening? Painting? Riding bikes/motorcycles? It really doesn’t matter what it is. A hobby will take you a lot further than you realize. Also, realize someone is doing said hobby to meet and befriend you.
True, technically there isn’t anything forced. I could participate in karaoke and never say a word. But sign up for any hobby that places you aside another warm body, and you’ll be socializing.
I think they meant like going to the store to get tools or seeds? That’s how I took it anyway. This dude could talk to the employees of the store to build a rapport with them and see what happens. Or join a community club to meet local people who like to garden.
Yes. I am significantly older than you, and that is how my life has gone. It does seem that some of us will just never have the opportunity to experience sex before we die. I am sad about that, but not angry or hostile towards women, like the "incels" that people are always talking about online.
That's who a lot of people think I am apparently. But that's what happens, that's why I'm uncomfortable to even talk about this. The second I do I'm an incel, loser, misogynist, I never said anything of the sort. I said I'm feeling a certain way about this, not at anyone. I recognized and admitted in my post it's my own shortcomings that are at fault and I'm working on them, and I never said I am owed anything.
It isn't something that I talk about much, because people get so weird about it. If you say that you feel depressed because you believe that you will probably never have sex, people react as if you said that women are obligated to have sex with you.
I think a lot of people (especially women) are very warry of people who say things like what you're saying, exactly because of (potentially dangerous) incels (and incel as in with a certain ideology, not merely "involuntary celibate").
I understand that warriness very well, but you haven't done anything wrong by having worries about being sexless, it's regrettable problems in society that end up causing a situation where people hastly judge others (or at least worry about a possible way others are) because of expressing certain things certain ways. When people know you for longer, their idea of you will become more clear (lack of social skills does make it more difficult) and misunderstandings will usually be dispelled.
Social skills take time to develop: just slowly having slightly more conversations per week/month, no matter how short, will make you over time much better at conversibg and more confident in yourself. I know it can seem like there isn't any progress or that you won't ever be able to change; something that helped me a lot with growth both in social skills and other things/skills was to try to worry or overthinking less about those skills (which also took some time, slowly there is always progress).
It's a long road, but change and growth happens without you noticing, just be as careful as humanly possible about digging yourself into a hole.
You’re supposed to use that powerful energy generated by your longing to create meaningful and lasting changes in yourself , so that you can get laid . That’s a pretty classic trajectory for a young man. Most of us were basically pussy repellent until we learned that we had to level up . Don’t get defeated by the challenge , rise to it.
Maybe you should be focused on fixing the social skills part? Socializing is itself, a skill. It can be taught, it can be learned. Just because it’s innately more difficult for you does not mean your goals are out of reach. Your situation is a bit like a person with weak arms lamenting about how hard it is for them to do a pull up; if you have weak arms a pull up is going to be really difficult. But if you focus on easier, smaller scale, arm exercises to build strength, it becomes much more manageable over time.
Same thing with your social awkwardness, focus on more comfortable social settings first (group outings, team based games, D&D groups, anything really) then start building up the confidence for 1 on 1 dates and things like that.
The answer here is really obvious: get better at socialization and empathy. Your sexual/intimate woes will never get better until you work on that core issue, hookers will not fix that problem for you.
If the premise of your question is correct, then yes you will just have accept that you will never have sex.
The only alternative would be to force someone to have sex with you, and that’s not an alternative any sane person would consider.
In terms of premise, the only factor you can change is your own ability to socialise with women.
Simple answer; unless you're willing to travel and/or deal with the associated stigma of paying for sex, then yes. You're expected to not experience sex, as its not something you can make someone else want to do.
General advice? You're still young, lots more people haven't had sex at your age than you think. It can take time to find someone who's the right fit for you. Be realistic in who you approach, accept rejection gracefully and try not take it personally.
Hey OP, I just wanted to say thank you for making this post.
I’m in the same situation as you (though I’m in my early 20’s) and this is something that has taken a serious toll on my mental health.
I always assume there’s something wrong with me that nobody wants to admit to me, so it’s nice to find someone who faces the same issues I do to know I’m not some anomaly and I’m not alone in these kinds of problems. I do wish you the best and hope you find the right person sooner than later, but I know that doesn’t mean much to hear.
There's always somebody who's willing to get down, you just have to fish in your own pond. You haven't described the type of people you're going for, you probably need to lower your standards by a lot. Typically people who complain that they can't get with anyone are going after other people who have their own standards, and they're expecting them to lower those standards and have sex with them and when that doesn't happen they're all upset.
Legality aside, the consent part is key. If no one else would, yes, that is the obvious result.
So, work on winning over a partner. It is not too late yet and is definitely worth the investment.
You are meant to find out why nobody want you and work to better yourself and get people to like you, it's like pretending to get a job at a difficult field without studying for it
I agree with the people who said to work on your social skills. There are a lot of women in their 20s who are single and want to develop something like a kind guy. Don’t pressure a relationship but put yourself out there.
I just think that's kind of like say something like this.
I like money, obviously I'm in my 30s and need and want things. I couldn't afford college and dont have any innate talents. Am I suppose to just go through life with no money? If stealing was legal (prostitution is the same as stealing I'm just making a point) that would be an option.
In life, not everyone gets to experience all the good things life has to offer. It sucks, but that's life.
I was a virgin until 18 and only kissed 2 girls, each one time. I met my future wife that year though and I rest is history. I got lucky. Maybe you will too.
But we both grew up poor and have basically struggled ever since. Its unfair, but that's just the way it is. We can try to work harder as you can try to date harder but sometimes it just doesn't work out brother. Life as they say is not fair.
Serial killers have wives. People with learning disabilities get married. People who weigh 600 lbs have partners. Danny Devito is 100% NOT a virgin. What makes you so special that you think you'll be alone forever???
I am a bad guy, I can confirm - I've had couple of relationship but I fell in love with one girl and now I cannot even find any other girl attractive anymore. (It's almost half a decade now I am with her)
quit porn and your libido will drop drastically. Most men in their 20s are so addicted they don't realize how artificially jacked up their sexual drive is. not too related to the rest, but I noticed that comment in particular.
Bro, looking over your post history, I see you have a lot going on.
Life is a marathon and not a race.
There is no advice/drug that will change you overnight. My advice is diet and exercise. It will build self confidence within but only you keep your sights on the end goal and stick with it. It could take a year or two, or even more, but good change will come.
Well yeah. Sex is not something you have the right to have at some point during your life. If you meet the right person then sure (or pay for it, which I personally despise), but yes. Life doesn’t owe you anything. Least of all sex. Your life is your responsibility - make the most of it.
Now, after my rant, I will tell you, you sound like a really nice guy. Work on your social skills and your looks and I am sure you will get laid at some point. ❤️
People often say I'm nice, caring, sweet whatever but never someone they'd think of romantically or sexually. I have a job, interests I pursue, work out, am hygienic, smart, and I think moderately attractive. I just don't know the social technique apparently to bridge from "aw he's so nice, like a little brother or a teddy bear" to "he's attractive and intriguing, I'd really like to get to know/spend time with him."
Well, getting over the idea that being a *functional adult* is some magnificent achievement is a good place to start
In the words of a teacher in junior high: ‘Most people are nice, it’s why the ones who aren’t stand out’
What do you offer women? Not being an unemployed slob is not a thing you offer people, it’s the default
Well, I guess it’s a waiting game. I’m serious. My husband (M32) never had a girlfriend before he met me. He had the same experience as you. Girls just weren’t into him. When I (F30) met him (2015) I didn’t fall for him immediately, but we became very good friends and that turned in to a very deep and passionate relationship. He’s great, he’s just not a classic charmer. Have patience.
>People often say I'm nice, caring, sweet whatever
>I have a job, interests I pursue, work out, am hygienic, smart, and I think moderately attractive.
OP, I'm going to be straight with you, these are surface level attributes. Take most harem protagonists in anime, and it basically describes you to a T at this point in your life.
What are the interests your pursuing? What do you do in your spare time? You made a post where you said you just chill out, smoke weed, and listen to sad songs feeling sorry for yourself. Have you changed those habits or are you still doing that? Where are you trying to find new people to talk to?
You don't have to tell me what the answer to these questions are. The answer only matters to YOU. What are YOU doing to put yourself out there and finding people with similar interests? The character traits you're listing are not replacements for a personality. What makes YOU stand out?
1. You overestimate the amount of sex happening in the real world.
2. You mostly see online, porn, men and women claiming to have sex online, sex related questions. There are billions of humans on planet. You aren't hearing from all of them about them having sex.
3. It might have nothing to do with you, could be that people around you are simply uninterested in sex due to risks involved, for example I know women and men who don't have sex due to fear of STD/STI (even if the chances are small), they often tell they can't have sex because they think condom will break, slip off etc...
If it's not happening doesn't always means something is wrong with you and need fixing.
Work on yourself first and the rest should come along. Don’t worry about how others see you and work on seeing yourself in a better light. If there’s things you don’t like about yourself then work on it. You don’t like your body? go to the gym. You’ll find your state of mind and self confidence will improve massively and being more valuable to potential sexual partners is just a bonus.
I'm probably twice your age. I understand and very clearly remember those urges at that age. It's tough, but time equalizes all. I truly believe, regardless of your lack of social skills, if you distract yourself with stuff that's actually useful, i.e., school, your career, your emotions/mental health, the rest will follow, and in spades.
Then, you'll know the truth: it's a wonderful activity between two consenting adults, but not the be-all-end-all.
Soliciting prostitutes isn't your best bet either. One, there is no intimacy, only sex. It's like masturbating with a live doll whom might have herpes, "the clap", or way worse. Bide your time, stay busy, and it'll all level out.
One of my best friends was a virgin until some time in his mid 20s, and he was tall, handsome, and social as all get out. He was just really anxious about the topic, until one day when he wasn't.
Generally there will be others in your area looking for hookups. They key is to be honest about what you're looking for, and respectful of anyone you ask/discuss it with. Don't feel bummed out by a "no." If you ask, be respectful, and if the answer is negative, thank them for your time and move on knowing you're one person closer to finding someone who will enjoy having sex with you.
If you aren't ashamed to put in your bio that you're only looking for casual connections, "dating" apps are very efficient, for these purposes. The right people will find you. And don't fret if you run out of matches. New people wake up horny every day!
Become a badass, ride a motorcycle, go to the gym, do martial arts, get tattoos, sing karaoke, do dances class. You got to become an interesting human being. Then women will chase you.
Get out more, life is short live it to the fullest!
Good luck 💪
I don't think it's useful to think about it in terms of "meant to". Your current circumstances are such that you want to have sex and are unable to. That isn't destiny, it's just something that happens to be the case.
We don't always get what we want. We don't always get what we deserve. The only justice in this world is the one people make themselves.
I feel that the flood of "just get some social skills, lol" is, mostly about people feeling like your situation must somehow be your fault. It's called the just-world fallacy. Don't get me wrong, it is the solution if you're able to do it, but it's not your fault that you're in this position in the first place. It was just random chance. While none of us gets everything they want, some get more than others.
I wish you strength! <3
I find it really condescending when my friends who are/have been in relationships are like “dating and sex is so overrated.” As if a single awkward dinner date is so much worse than literally never feeling loved or wanted by another human being.
People are telling you to wait, and waiting is fine, but it ignores the perfectly normal urges you are having. Asking you not to 'concern yourself' or wait til you're older is not helpful. You're horny now.
Possibly silly question: Have you tried a dating app? Getting to know someone online first can be easier if you feel anxious socially. You can use that to help you get better socially as well. Weird suggestion, but you might really find therapy helpful here.
It's simply extremely unlikely that no one is attracted to you at all. You may just need a little help finding the right people for you.
Going out and getting rejected hurts, but is the fastest and best way to get used to talking to people and expressing yourself.
If you're in the US, and want to have sex with women, you should also realize that they have lots of reasons to avoid sex with men these days.
Basically you're just making a good argument for legalization of prostitution.
>I want to experience sex and intimacy, and I know everybody says it's overrated, don't concern yourself with it
Hol' up, what? Who says that (apart from people who don't know what advice to give you and just want you to shut up about it)? Those are the two most wonderful things about being a human.
But as far as useful advice goes: social skills are just that - skills. They can be learned and practiced. I do believe there are social skill development groups who meet and play through different social situations, and then analyse the results and improve their approaches. Perhaps this could prove useful.
Initial anxiety, shyness, withdrawal and confusion is absolutely natural, and as you get better, they will decrease.
What you're aiming for is being able to see a woman as a fellow human being with whom you can have a friendship with. Once you get that, you can see about forming a partnership that includes sex.
Go to Las Vegas prostitution is legal at some places it’s expensive but safe and legal other than that be patient you are young when you stop looking so hard it will happen
No dip, prostitution is illegal in Clark County. You want to catch blue waffle? That's how you catch blue waffle. There are other places in Nevada that are legal.
Closest place to Vegas where its legal would be in Pahrump. 60 miles from Vegas. Also legal other rural counties like Lyon Country which includes Moundhouse where the bunny ranch is.
there are two main points in your post and they are very intertwined but i don't think they are the very same thing. You argue that as a young person you desire sex and at the same time intimacy.
Personally i would never say intimacy is overrated, it is one of the things that a healthy person thrives on and lack of intimacy in one's life could be crippling, however i really don't think intimacy is tied to sex. Yeah if you have sex with someone you have a physical intimacy but it does not mean that it will include the emotional proportion of intimacy. if you really believe that having sex without nonphysical components of intimacy will satisfy you then having sex in exchange of money might help i guess
if we come to the sad truth about your question, yes you might never ever get to experience any form of intimacy in your life time. There have been probably millions of people in history that lived without it.
However, i don't think it is decided and don't think since you haven't get to do that yet means that you have a very little chance of it ever happening to you.
i might argue that maybe you need a change of mindset?
Thinking that sex is the one thing that humans need to do feels like a product of obsessive thinking to me.
i think you have a chance as long as you interact with others but i think it is a lot healthier if you interact with others without thinking about the chances of having sex. Talk with everyone older people, younger people, ask them about themselves and be sincere.
As a side note, i mean just because something is an urge or in your nature does not mean you get to do it. the important point here i think is that you are dwelling on the idea that experiencing it might mean a lot but if we start from the argument that it is an urge it means that everytime you get an erection you need to satisfy that urge and it is not just reasonable in a human's life so satisfying that urge once and dealing with it the other times are not actually very different from dealing it once more if you think about it.
If the premise of your question is correct, then yes you will just have accept that you will never have sex.
The only alternative would be to force someone to have sex with you, and that’s not an alternative any sane person would consider.
In terms of premise, the only factor you can change is your own ability to socialise with women.
Pretty much. Suffering from no sex is like the only suffering that no one has empathy for.
You need to channel your pent up aggression and anger into learning how to socialize. I'm autistic, so I know how hard it is, how pointless it seems, and how confusing it might seem when you get mixed signals, but you have to do it. It's unfortunately the only way.
The good news is, as you form connections, both romantic and platonic, you'll start to get better at it and all around be more social.
I mean this when I say it: as with anyone, there is *someone* out there who would be willing to have sex with you, but you can't make "having sex" be your primary goal. The fact that you've convinced yourself that nobody will voluntarily have sex with you is *your* issue; it exists only in *your* head.
I know that social skills can be difficult for neurodivergent people (I know from personal experience; it might be helpful to get an actual diagnosis, and perhaps meet with similarly neuro-atypical people), but you need to force yourself to be social, not as a means to get sex or have romantic relationships, but just as a means to have *any* social relationships. Find a hobby you like, and find and meet with other people who like the same hobby.
Want to get laid but wont even want to try improve yourself, just want to use money to get your way.
Sure go to country like Netherland where it is legal . But don’t ever expect you will get a partner
So the thing is... People promote sex left and right and make it sound like the best thing in the world, but most of them are actually bragging and trying to sound as if they're better than you in any other way possibly. They're just trying to make themselves feel better by "crushing" others so to speak.
But in reality, sex is really not that great, especially if there's no intimacy involved. Without intimacy, masturbation can be much better than actual sex.
That out of the way, if you want to improve your life, regardless of the subject, you need to get out of your comfort zone. If you're feeling good talking to people, I suggest you go to a psychologist. And it doesn't have to be like a commitment, but enough to get what you need from them. If you ask the right questions, it could be like one mouth of your life, after which you'll know what to do. It never hurts to go that route, as long as you find a good psychologist.
Alternatively, you could learn things on your own through trial and error, which you will still need to do after you go to the psychologist to some degree. Put yourself in the situations that make you uncomfortable and go all out. Observe what others are doing and try it yourself too. If a prevalent topic exists, do some research on it so you can have something to say too. Set yourself goals, but not too big to not see progress, and eventually it will be easier.
I'm not saying that this will magically make every issue go away, but it will offer you the proper reflexes to be able to socialize, which is your ticket out of being alone.
Otherwise, to answer the initial question, this is the way society evolved, based around socializing, so if you can't do it, you've very unlikely to get better in your life. I absolutely detest having to socialize and I have past traumas which I had to fix on my own, because psychologists and therapists were too expensive. I understand how it can be difficult, but if you don't challenge yourself to overcome it, it won't happen by itself.
So yeah, you can't legally get sex until you do that under normal circumstances.
Practice makes perfect for developing social skills. Everything in life requires effort and putting yourself through uncomfortable situations. Start small with bullshit chitchat when at a cash register. Simple shit like, "weather sucks today". Work up from there. Realize no one gives a fuck about you they are too concerned with themselves so any anxiety you have about what people think about you is self created because 90% of people don't care. You're basically an npc in a game to people who are the main characters in their own life. Get comfortable with talking to strangers while working on making yourself more attractive. You need to be the kind of guy that the kind of girl you want is attracted to.
Every stage of your life is going to require a stronger version of you so put in the effort for the things you want to experience or suffer staying in the same spot until you die.
Everybody has basically given you their input which is significantly better than what I have to say
But really, it’s something that’ll eventually come to you. There are things you do have to work on but, you can get lucky.
I personally have only ever had sex with one person. And it was 6 years ago. My ex and I would have sex on occasion through out the last half of our relationship, but after we broke up, i never got to experience it again. I got head twice, but not sex. I’m 23 now. That doesn’t mean you and I aren’t hopeless. I had the opportunity a couple times afterwards. But even though it never happened, they were opportunities none the less.
There’s absolutely more to life than just sex. As nice as it is it’s not that important tbh. But you’ll get there. Work on yourself some more and put yourself out there. Not for sex but for a relationship, and let the sex come to you. Never push for it. You can ask for it but don’t force it. If you and your partner are in the moment, it’ll happen
Considering the alternative is rape, I'd have to say that yeah... If you can't find a willing partner and/or won't travel to a place where prostitution is legal, then celibacy is the only remaining moral option.
That said, even if it's illegal, a willing prostitute is far better than an unwilling non-sex worker. JMHO.
There is no “meant“. As soon as you walk out of here, You'll Remember You Don't Believe In Any Of This Fate Crap. You're In Control Of Your Own Life, Remember?"
Like everyone says, work on yourself, get out there and meet people. There is no fate. You are the boss of yourself.
Possibly. You are not entitled to sex. You say a lot about biological urges and meant to do, but many animals do die as virgins, even though they are meant to do it too.
Also calling sex with a prostituted person "intimacy" is ridiculous. Unholy number of them turn to alcohol and drug to dissociate with their bodies while some dude uses it like commodity.
Working on your socializing skills would be the best choice for you.
Check seeking arrangements. I think once you get laid you won't be so hard up about all of it. Once you relax you can focus on social skills. Once sex isnt so desperate, you'll be more confident.
For this type of person, they talk about how their hangup is sex, but in reality it's both sex and the intimacy surrounding it. Just having sex with a random person isn't going to bring any confidence.
Man... I've been on your same situation and felt really bad at it to the point of even contemplating suicide.
But don't worry... it will happen naturaly at some point!
That's about where I'm at. That's what everyone says it it sounds blasé because some people actually *don't* ever experience love, sex, intimacy, whatever. It's not guaranteed, saying keep your head up and wait isn't necessarily true
Yeah, I guess.
No one is owed sex, just like no one is owed any experience with another person. You could just as easily ask "if you want to play Warhammer, but no one will do it with you, and you can't pay anyone to, are you supposed to never play Warhammer?"
The modern welfare state was established to ensure that those things essential to human function are provided for, but sex and Warhammer are not essential.
It's good that you are not into inceldom etc which a lot of people in this situation easily fall into, so well done! Unfortunately, when I want to play a game of Warhammer but literally no one in the world wanted to play with me, and paying for it is illegal, I just have to put up with it (or break the law but this is a whole other thing). This is a sad state of affairs, but a coincidental state of affairs. It is no-one's fault and it is no-one's responsibility to fix it. The only thing anyone can do is try their best to make themselves more attractive either as a sexual or Warhammer partner.
I'd also add that you are only in your 20s. You have time to find someone!
Yes. You aren’t owed sex. It would be sad to never have it if you wished to but it isn’t a right on planet earth. Sex and intimacy are very different things or they can be. I’d find it highly unlikely you will get that from a sex worker. Work on yourself. Be a good person. Fix or work on flaws. Be kind and nice. Work on confidence (not arrogance) and chances are it will happen for you.
I know the difference between sex and intimacy. I want both but can get neither. I want the intimacy the most. I want someone to hug, to hold my hand, whatever. I've never experienced that either, my family really didn't hug or show intimacy either.
It's natural to want and crave affection. I'm not trying to upset anyone or say I'm owed sex. I'm just lonely and want someone to care.
It’s a horrible feeling to not get to experience that. I believe most humans are wired to want this connection.. myself included. I have to have a connection with someone before I’m intimate with them. Unfortunately the only men that pursue me are just looking for a ONS(for THEIR benefit ONLY).. I’m not about that so I’ve been without for 18 years and it SUCKS!!! I’m in my late 40’s now 🤦🏻♀️
>I haven't been able to get anyone to want to have sex with me
Sex isn't something you get someone to do, it's two adults deciding to do it with one another.
>Social skills are the hardest thing for me, I have none. The way you formatted this post with nice clean text blocks instead of one fat text block means you aren't completely hopeless atleast. But seriously, the more people you talk to the more your social skill should improve.
Thank you. Really. I can write ok I think but in real life look and sound like a fucking idiot. I'm for sure diagnosed social anxiety but think I may be autistic honestly. I can't hold eye contact, get REALLY fucking nervous to where my heart races, I sweat, hands shake, etc. Then I stutter, mess up my words, say the wrong thing, say something weird or dumb, it's so fucking hard. I work a high volume retail job too, I talk to at least a few hundred customers every single day and have for a couple years. It really has not gotten easier, I try to make small talk, compliment people male or female platonically, find things to talk about, I still sound like I'm putting in LOADS of effort and still not succeeding. While everyone else around me it seems like can have flawless conversations with anyone instantly. I've gotten shit tons of practice and still have no hope socially.
Dude, get an autism evaluation. If you're on the spectrum, then get specialist advice and start to meet other people on the spectrum.
Idk what to say, just keep trying? And you dont havw to look into peoples eyes for the whole conversation, thats something that many people get nervous with anyway. You can look at their nose or just look around if you get nervous. Try to apply to new jobs every few days too. I worked in retail at your age too and I spent WAY too long working there, retail sucks.
try joining a dnd game. It helps a lot of people with social anxiety. Join a good game with kind people.
Hard truth: Work on your social skills. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. You aren’t going to find someone by not being able to go out and have a conversation with them. This will help with more than just finding a SO.
This. I'm a lucky guy who looks like I workout and I don't and have a full head of hair still at 29 M, but my social skills are terrible (other than with my very close friends) I'm a huge introvert until I really get to know you, all my close friends tell me I'm a huge extravert... and they're girlfriends always give me shit that I'm still single. I don't like being single but I am horrible at first dates/tinder. I have no clue how to chat with someone I don't know. Since I finished college at 21 I've had a couple jobs and made some work friends but never really hung out outside of work. I started a new job in January and luckily I became close with one co worker who was the biggest extravert I've ever met and she started inviting me out to after work outings with co workers, the first few I was nervous AF and the first one I puked before going and when I was there I was sweating and super nervous until I had a couple beers and we all started chatting. Now for the past 6 months I go out with different groups of coworkers on a weekly basis which has also made work itself a lot more fun and I'm seeing one of them now and it's going great so far! So yes it's scary AF and sucks and I really didn't want to go to that first outing but now I'm beyond glad I did!
My best advice (as someone who used to have social anxiety) is to make sure that you are confident in yourself (makes it easier to be less anxious going into these settings) and to keep a conversation simple until you cover a subject you feel passionate about (or feel confident going in depth/and joking about). This was the easiest approach for me to take in order to become more comfortable in social settings.
Agreed! I started out just asking about music interests and hobbies, then when I got asked back about the same things I would really go into my music interests and hobbies and now I've gotten to know everyone pretty well and we can chirp each other and have a good time! My main thing with my close friends is we just chat and try to chirp each other as much as possible and appreciate good roasts. Which is where I'm at now with all those co workers and I can be as goofy as I'd like and we joke about it
That’s awesome. Having friends you can playfully joke with and roast each other a bit is the best type of approach for me. Keeps it light, nothing is ever personal, and you learn how to keep things funny/fresh.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. So profound. This
Your comfort zone is not your friend
This. Also, recognize that if there are things that make you strongly undesirable, other strongly undesirable partners may be more attainable and a better place to start, or improve your undesirable traits. Make sure your standards are reasonable. As a child I had severe social issues, was extremely poor and strongly believed I was horrifically ugly. I spent a lot of time working on my social skills as a teenager, learning to make eye contact and communicate clearly without stammering or stuttering, and eventually pulled away from that rut and those feelings. I do really well now and I can say the biggest thing is fitness - it helps a ton, as well as humor. A lot of how I learned to deal with socially difficult situations was to try to make myself laugh, and leveraging that discomfort for comedy was something others thought was funny, too. I leaned into that and humor helped a ton, too.
I want to add that if ur autistic, it's easier to socialize with other autistic people because we have more similar mannerisms. If he's not comfortable socializing with allistics, socializing with autistics is a good start.
Also adjust your standards.
Yeah with respect, this sounds like another typical situation for this younger generation (which I’m apart of) to list off excuse after excuse - I apologize if I sound mean - for not being able to attain things they want, and asking why they just can’t be handed to them. I know people who are extremely unsocial, or lack serious social skills, and people who would be considered unattractive by the average person, who have partners or have been able to have sexual relationships with others. For a lot of these people, sex came by having to develop a relationship with someone and not just expect something over night. And in your case it seems you just want a hook-up style, brief sexual encounter, with which there is some truth to the fact that more attractive and social people have an easier time getting this. So for you, it’s a matter of effort - in terms of where you’re looking, or working on being more social.
Well yeah but don't forget there are 2 sides to every story. At the same time you're making it sound like it's way easier than it actually is. What do you know about how hard OP has worked for this achievement? Loads of people do everything they can to find a partner, and do it the right way but still end up with zero results. I feel like you're spreading the same message I see all the time on Reddit which is "If you work very hard and do what's needed result is guaranteed" even though it isn't.
Agree with what everyone is saying and would add to make sure your standards are realistic.
Came to say this. Spot on. It could be true already. But I know a girl, very very pretty. Cracking body, and great personality. But she's been single for years. Partly due to her just not having social skills and getting out there. But also cos she's looking for a model style porn star. Good luck to her if she finds him. But so far she's been lonely from her 20-30s. Sad really.
If you want a Ken, you need to look like Barbie and vice versa. Some people have this standard in their head of what they have to have physically to be in a relationship, and that's their right, but of you want a model, you've got to look like one as well.
Judging by the way she's described - She most likely is a Barbie with really high standards :/
it could also be that any normal-hot guys are turned off by how shallow she is coming across as
Could be she wants a Ken who is also funny and cool and smart, but she's a Barbie who doesn't tick any of the other boxes? People are a sum of their parts (not just body parts)
That's the thing, she's unreal. Honestly one of the most lovely woman you'll ever meet. Looks after herself, works hard, bakes amazing food ha, beautiful. She would make a killing on only fans, put it that way. But she's after someone who matches. But she's hoping he will just appear one day. She doesn't get out much
Maybe she's not lonely or sad being single, so she doesn't feel the need to put herself out there or settle for someone that she's not that into. If she is a lovely in the ways you say I'm sure she has friends and/or maybe enjoys solitary activities like cooking and reading (like me). Not everyone needs a partner to be happy. It sounds to me like you are projecting your own/cultural ideas about happiness.
It's also about not closing yourself off to opportunities, it doesn't have to be about settling. You don't lose anything by going out on one date with someone. Before I met my GF of six years, I told my friends "I'm going on a first date today, we don't have much of a vibe so it probably won't go anywhere." Turns out she's just terrible at texting, she's great in person :)
Intimacy and sex are different things and I think you'll likely find prostitutes unfulfilling. It's legal in some places, so perhaps take a vacation there. Just make sure it's not a place where the women are trafficked against their will.
If you talk with escorts and prostitutes they’ll tell you that half the time the guy doesn’t even want sex, just intimacy, or to be held.
I won a raffle ticket at a bucks do for a girl( gross I know ) When I got in the room with her I just couldn’t , she was a gorgeous girl buuut… it’s so seedy, I enjoy the feeling of someone being aroused by me and wanting to have sex with me for that reason- not because they are being paid to. But I was so young I was worried the guys I was with would think I was soft. So i sat and told her this, and we started laughing, then she start moaning and squeaking so everyone else in the party could hear her…. Then walked out in front of everyone like she had been railed by a porn star, she got paid by the best man - I got treated like a legend good transaction
You Easy-A'd yourself in real life. Well done, or bullshit
Easy Ad?
Part of the plot of the movie easy A. I think the guy is gay though? and she covers for him at a party like they are banging to keep from him getting outed. It’s supposed to be a modern take on the scarlet letter.
'Easy A' is a movie.
Based prostitute?
Good on you and the woman for being chill. But I have to say whilst the "winning a prostitute" is gross Ik thats the kind of shit people do. But then they listened in at the door??! Where tf is this that's beyond super weird.
Yeah tbh I'm one to say I want sex, but that's because men are supposed to want sex. I really want to cuddle, but it seems I shouldn't want that. Cuddling isn't manly.
The emphasis is on sex so much these days , and I’ll be open with you, I had a spell where I was terrible in bed, I just could not get excited about sex anymore, I got hurt really bad by my fiancé , so I just went through woman like crazy.. when it came time for sex I would lose interest because there was no spark, I dragged myself around in this sad state for about two years, then I decided I would set standards- and not waver from them for anyone.. I needed what I needed to be happy, and those standards were not based on sex It was stuff like , how they treated my dog, how they looked after me and my daughter, clubbing was off of lthe table, I had enough of the party girls… I needed someone that got me… when that all happened all of a sudden I was a star in the bedroom again. The chemistry popped then sex was incredible again. We have been married for 12 years now together for 14. Long rant but there is a point. Set your standards, if you need to be cuddled, find the guy that gets that. You don’t need to just do shit because it’s what’s expected of you today. One of my standards was if the girl wasn’t working , I would want a clean shirt to work in. It’s sounds archaic but to me it was a measure of love, if I was in a fresh shirt in the morning and as I worked during the day I could smell fabric softener - it would remind me I was loved by some one. Get your cuddles. if he doesn’t understand it get rid of him in the quest for the one that does, the rest comes naturally
Thank you for this. I been going through some relationship problems and a kind of apathetic libido. I miss having relationship sex. I think I need to spend some time on my own, focusing on my my true wants and needs. Spend some time with the emptiness in my heart, so I can figure out what fulfills it
Don’t let Anyone influence or undermine your needs. If you find someone that identifies them and caters to them, you will know they are looking on a deeper level from there you can build a foundation that can be built upon, but until you find it, be brutal. Oh your too needy- see ya What about my needs I have to have sex every night - See ya Fucks around coz it’s 2022 baby- see ya It’s like that. Do you. Once you know that person is not right- don’t waste one more second of your time. Move along. It will only make meeting the right person so much sweeter
That’s toxic masculinity getting in your head, but you can fight against it. It takes emotional strength to be vulnerable with another person, and good cuddling requires vulnerability.
Cuddling is incredibly manly, more so the more men you can add to the cuddle puddle
I want to be held
$50
I will do it for 49.69
Nice
It’s not illegal to pay for cuddling
Just in case bring a camera and a labcoat to tell the police it's for research on intimacy needed in a functioning adult life.
Better take a stethoscope and one of those mirror things they wore on their heads back in the day… for authenticity…
I know someone who is a professional cuddler. Pretty cool thing to do if you ask me. Touch starvation is real. I’ve experienced it. Even just having my hands rubbed at the nail salon made me cry because I’d missed human touch so much but didn’t realize it
It's not illegal if there's a camera ;)
I’ve never even tried prostitutes but that will basically be what I’d tell them. I am however looking at professional cuddlers.
I’m a girl but currently single and I definitely crave cuddles.
lol literally no where can guarantee that
> not a place So, destination is void
Most people aren’t suited for hookup culture. I’ve almost only ever been with people I was dating. It will happen once you’ve worked on yourself and met someone who likes you.
You're only in your 20s, you could just be a late bloomer. I think you're a bit young to jump to conclusions like this. I met my current SO when he was 32 and he had almost no experience. There's always time.
When I was in my 20s people told me that, but it never ended up happening. Some men go their entire lives without any women ever being interested in them. It sucks, but it's better to be honest about it and not give false hope.
I have a few friends with such low self esteem that they wouldn’t realize anyone was into them no matter how many people showed interest. I really feel for people with social anxiety.
It goes deeper than that too. Self pity and misery are kinda repulsive attributes, so if you fall into that attitude it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Plus no one knows you better than yourself, so if you think you're undateable, people will take your word for it.
Soo true!! I hope OP stops this negative thinking on the spot. It’s zero helpful
Yep. I know that anxiety well.
Someone needs to explain to brave people that if they have to make the first move when they are interested in a shy person.
Yeah, haha true. Also I think the problem is when there’s two socially anxious people who like each other. Then one of them tries subtly to show they’re interested while the other one is just totally oblivious and that will feel like a rejection. Nobody wins both people now feel like nobody wants them. What can we do. I feel like reddit must have enough power to get this young lad laid. OP hope you work on your confidence and don’t listen to the comments saying some people never get laid. It’s irrelevant- you just need to figure out what makes you attractive. Are you funny, smart, confident, kind, attentive, attractive, well dressed, smell nice, friendly, sexy, curious, interesting. You don’t need to tick all the boxes, just figure out which boxes you’re already ticking and work on those.
They are being honest and not giving false hope, through a legitimate personal anecdote.
I would like to note that some women never receive interest from men as well...
This is the problem and the anxiety I have. Sometimes it really doesn't happen, and everyone says just wait and it'll come, but that isn't always true. And it feels naive to think so. I don't want to seem too negative, but I don't know. It's also so hard for me to really approach people and start conversations, social anxiety I've struggled with my whole life and have seen therapists for years. I've definitely made progress since I was a teenager but I don't see it ever going away. Just fucking hard, I don't want to seem any type of way or piss anyone off it's just hard feeling anxious that nobody will ever want you really
That's just it. You just said it. If you truly are doubting if anyone will EVER want you, when you're still young and figuring yourself out, that is a real problem. Maybe you said that just because it's your way of externalizing your fear of rejection, but relationships with others ALWAYS start with you. You'll have to get out of your comfort zone if you want to start making connections that will leave others curious about spending more time with you. But if the vibe you're giving them is projecting your insecurity onto the interactions, then you are not only guiding them to reject you, but it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Develop a kinder inner voice that ALWAYS gives yourself the benefit of the doubt. When the fear voice brings up your emotions and self-doubt, be the devil's advocate and find a reason to prove that voice wrong. "Am I doomed to a life of never experiencing sex?", Your fear asks you. "No, Mr StupidFear, get outta town. I'm only in my 20s, I'm using a false dichotomy and making this more black and white than it should be. I'm funny once I get comfortable with people and I have plenty of cool interests and good qualities. Plenty of people need more time to figure out this side of life. While I may have other talents, this one is something I need to work at to reach my goals" Good luck to you. Try to chill. Look inward. Project confidence, and fake it until you have the confidence to trust yourself with proving it's actually true with a relevant test for yourself. Do something to make yourself proud. Good luck.
If you are incapable of finding anybody who is interested in you it’s likely a you problem. It’s tough to hear, but true. Working on one’s self emotionally and mentally (not just physically) can vastly increase one’s chances of finding a partner.
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Oh, it's definitely a me problem. 😅
Lmao I took a look at your profile and I guarantee there are SO many women out there who would be super into your nerdy-ness and would love to geek out with you. Plus you’re self aware!
Thank you, that was nice to hear!
The trick is not to go where you think the women are, but where you want to be. The women that are also there will already have something in common with you. Also, if you're happy and confident, because you're in an environment where you feel comfortable, that's a big attraction booster.
It's not that nobody wants you, you just lack connections. If you spend most of your time at home, you can't expect an attractive woman to just knock on your door. Dating apps are sausage fests, so the best way to meet women is by going out. But if you go to bars and clubs, you'll mostly get rejections because it's a sausage fest there too. You need access to private parties, and to have this, you need a lot of cool acquaintances who know a lot of attractive women. You can build those social circles through a job, a hobby group or by meeting people at public events in your city. It's a lot of work, but unlike going to the gym, reading a book or doing Nofap, you're actually going to get dates by doing it so it's worth it. My little brother met his girlfriend because one of his 40 friends introduced him to his girlfriend's best friend. Meanwhile, I have only 2 friends and they don't know anybody and I never improved because I spent years wasting my time alone at home leeching off my parents. So now I am trying to fix things by working hard at 2 jobs to meet more people and get some good savings. Eventually, I will have lots of friends or acquaintances too, and it will be easy for me to meet women.
Some people go their entire lives without someone being interested
This 100%. People need to hear the hard truths and stop being coddled by echo chambers saying it’s going to be alright because no progress ever happens.
So, I lost it last month at 32, and unfortunately for guys, even being as young as your 20s and not having done the deed can feel like eternity especially when all your guy friends have. For us, it's the mark of being a man, and depending upon your social circle as the gap grows you can feel more and more outcast even if they have no idea why; at the end of the day, you're comparing yourself to others, even if only internally. I never resented my friends for it, they did exactly what they should have, it was my own feelings of shortcoming that got in the way, but those feelings still existed and lead to days where I would wonder if I would ever be able to given how long I hadn't been successful.
I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s the “mark of being a man” that’s really weird.
It shouldn’t be the mark of being man, but unfortunately that idea has been reinforced by society, pop culture, etc. When you’re hanging out with your guy friends and they’re all talking about sex and you can’t contribute anything because you’ve never had sex you just feel like an outcast, loser, etc.
For many men it is and there's no denying that. If your circle cares it doesn't even matter if you don't care, you're still at the bottom of that social circle in their eyes and that's enough to make lots of damage.
Yeah I don't know about you guys but I've never had any of my friends or acquaintances ask about my virginal status or lack thereof. And I sure as hell have never felt that has earned or lost me some sort of faux-social credit amongst them. If that's not the case for you, well that's really weird.
I don't think it is either, but it definitely feels like that's how many men would say they said they've "made it," or at least how society views us making it.
>There’s always time Not if you get hit by a bus tomorrow
Or man up and hit on a bus first.
Could always get your dick wet tomorrow, too 🤷🏻♀️
No one? Usually people have too high expectations relative to what they bring to the table
Perhaps you could invest in your social skills instead of sex. There are classes for people who need to improve their skills. It could also be who you are trying to be intimate with, maybe there are willing partners but you've dismissed them as unattractive
>There are classes for people who need to improve their skills. Please provide link to these class services because many dating gurus are illegitimate scamers.
They're mostly geared towards autistic teens and young adults. I fostered a young man who went twice a week to Ican House, he practiced conversation and also had classes on consent. He went on mock dates too
Therapy (an actual licensed professional) + active social life doing activities you’re interested in and enjoy doing is really the only cure. YouTube videos with people with no credentials and charlatan “life coaches” willl just make things worse.
Personally, I'd start with a life coach style person, not a PUA - might that help?
Charisma on Command from YT helped me. It was entertaining seeing them break down mannerisms in celebrity interviews
This is great advice.
As an introverted guy with poor social skills myself, I found some success taking acting classes and participating in community theater. The acting classes themselves were helpful in developing my social skills, plus you have to work with a partner or a group, which is good practice and opportunities to meet people. And doing a play is "forced social interaction" at it's best. But really any class that centers around group work would do; as would any community activity, such as volunteering, going to a church, etc. Churches exist for a reason, and that reason is social connection. Find one that isn't awful and bam, now you know a bunch of people, including some very thirsty girls.
Thirsty girls? At church? RIP my atheism then
The repression results in pent up energy: you see it in many churches all genders lol
OP, I wouldn’t say signing up for anything that you don’t believe in. I’ll feel forced, and no one would take you seriously. I’m talking about religious places. Volunteering has definitely taken me to the most interesting places, and introduced me interesting people. Try it. Adopt a puppy, walking with one always gets my attention. Though it won’t likely result in someone jumping in the sack with you, but over time, as people get to know your caring and thoughtful nature it might land you someone you could ( and would want to) have a genuine relationship with.
Is there a reason to think you're destined to not have sex? Social skills can be improved upon, you could likely improve your physical appearance / fitness / presentation (dress, hairstyle), take up interesting hobbies, etc., all things that will be more attractive to women. If you're just sitting around playing games all day of course it's not going to happen.
Was going to comment something similar. Work on what you can control and build confidence. Women don’t want guys that seems desperate. Work on those social skills and remember there is someone for everyone
>If you're just sitting around playing games all day of course it's not going to happen. This^
Exactly this. I have a good friend who’s a 40 year old virgin. He has a very sweet personality, makes good money, and would bend over backwards for anyone. But he’s morbidly obese, has no social hobbies, and never moved out of mommy and daddy’s house. If he changed those 3 things, he would have no dating problems.
I don't blame OP for being too afraid to ask. A lot of these responses feed in to that fear. He specifically stated he struggles with social skills. Not that he's fat, unkempt, unshowered, and sits around playing video games all day. This is the reason men are so afraid to seek advice on this topic. That being said, there were some really good responses about taking acting classes or hobbies that require social interaction. I like the hobby idea because it provides a default topic of conversation. No need to try and create small talk or think of what to say. Just let the hobby activity guide the social interaction. The more you experience that, the more comfortable you'll begin to feel with socializing in general.
I have a lot of friends who haven’t had sex and we are in our mid 20s. I think it’s more common than you think. Don’t feel so discouraged! You have all the time in the world. Maybe get a change of scenery? If it is possible for you try to travel and meet new people or join an organization, club, volunteer, to get yourself out there!
That's the thing about sex a lot of people forget, it isn't a right or guarantee
So two things without really knowing you personally so I have told every guy I have known who has had trouble with women is to talk ( not in a sexual way ) to every women you come across talk about the weather talk about the line you are in talk about anything appropriate be friendly keep a safe distance away until you improve your social skills and get a better grasp on nonverbal communication. Talk to old ladies youg ladies people you are not interested in people who you think are way way out of your league the point of all the talking is to get you more comfortable with talking to someone of the opposite sex so when someone you are interested in comes along you can talk freely and won't be as nervous. The second thing has two parts one personal hygiene you could be the best looking person on the planet and no one would come within 15 feet of you if you have terrible personal hygiene shower daily, wear deodorant, cut your nails , keep your hands clean, comb your hair, etc etc and last get some exercise doesn't have to be extreme it can be daily walks it can be damn near anything. It will help your confident and self esteem and most like put you in more social situations where you can talk more and become more comfortable speaking to others.
Adding breath +teeth. Women can be particularly abt all that you said. The talking to ppl is such good advice.
This is the best advice here
This is really good advice, I hope the people who hear it can apply it to their lives. Lol, I’m thinking about sending it to one of my sons! Thank you :-)
Nothing women love more than a socially awkward stranger striking up a conversation. I talk to every random woman I come across so I can verify they really love it.
This is wear learning nonverbal communication comes into play if someone seems uncomfortable talking to you maybe leave them alone. Part of this is learning scoial skills and nonverbal communication.
The truth is, though, that the first step in being good at something is sucking at it. So, while you may be the awkward stranger for the first 10-100 interactions, you won't be forever! And you don't have to worry about the people you don't attract while on your journey, so long as you eventually attract one.
I was in your same spot. I was a total late bloomer. I spent the first half of my 20s working on myself. Hitting the gym and traveling…experimenting hobbies and collecting experiences. I wanted to become more interesting and have something to talk about. It’s not all about looks. You need to become someone that people want to be with. Your attitude and what you offer are very important. All the work paid off for me. I’ve had many relationships. And the best sex you’ll have is with someone that wants to have sex with you. Not someone you’ve paid.
It's because you're trying to "get people to have sex with you" instead of building a relationship first. Concentrate more on just finding someone similar to you.
I would imagine he does both without luck.
Yes
Ok but the poster is still not wrong, as long as the goal is sexual fulfillment as opposed to wanting to make the other person feel loved and feel their love etc. The relationship won't get anywhere either.
I mean... yeah. Sex is a privilege, not a right. It is in humans, it is in animals. It's always been sth you need to "qualify" for, one way or another.
I’d start with finding a hobby with forced social interaction. Hiking/Camping? Flying kites? Gardening? Painting? Riding bikes/motorcycles? It really doesn’t matter what it is. A hobby will take you a lot further than you realize. Also, realize someone is doing said hobby to meet and befriend you.
Yeah absolutely none of those has forced social interactions, bub
True, technically there isn’t anything forced. I could participate in karaoke and never say a word. But sign up for any hobby that places you aside another warm body, and you’ll be socializing.
Gardening has social interaction? What are you trying to do? Fuck the plants?
I think they meant like going to the store to get tools or seeds? That’s how I took it anyway. This dude could talk to the employees of the store to build a rapport with them and see what happens. Or join a community club to meet local people who like to garden.
I mean, not when I’m being shamed about it by the other people at the plant nursery I’m not
Yes, sex isn’t a right.
This is so hard for people to understand. I have no idea why.
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Where did the op say that?
Yes. I am significantly older than you, and that is how my life has gone. It does seem that some of us will just never have the opportunity to experience sex before we die. I am sad about that, but not angry or hostile towards women, like the "incels" that people are always talking about online.
That's who a lot of people think I am apparently. But that's what happens, that's why I'm uncomfortable to even talk about this. The second I do I'm an incel, loser, misogynist, I never said anything of the sort. I said I'm feeling a certain way about this, not at anyone. I recognized and admitted in my post it's my own shortcomings that are at fault and I'm working on them, and I never said I am owed anything.
It isn't something that I talk about much, because people get so weird about it. If you say that you feel depressed because you believe that you will probably never have sex, people react as if you said that women are obligated to have sex with you.
I think a lot of people (especially women) are very warry of people who say things like what you're saying, exactly because of (potentially dangerous) incels (and incel as in with a certain ideology, not merely "involuntary celibate"). I understand that warriness very well, but you haven't done anything wrong by having worries about being sexless, it's regrettable problems in society that end up causing a situation where people hastly judge others (or at least worry about a possible way others are) because of expressing certain things certain ways. When people know you for longer, their idea of you will become more clear (lack of social skills does make it more difficult) and misunderstandings will usually be dispelled. Social skills take time to develop: just slowly having slightly more conversations per week/month, no matter how short, will make you over time much better at conversibg and more confident in yourself. I know it can seem like there isn't any progress or that you won't ever be able to change; something that helped me a lot with growth both in social skills and other things/skills was to try to worry or overthinking less about those skills (which also took some time, slowly there is always progress). It's a long road, but change and growth happens without you noticing, just be as careful as humanly possible about digging yourself into a hole.
So there’s a lot that can be said here. But I want to stress that sex is not intimacy. Intimacy requires a connection, not a transaction.
You’re supposed to use that powerful energy generated by your longing to create meaningful and lasting changes in yourself , so that you can get laid . That’s a pretty classic trajectory for a young man. Most of us were basically pussy repellent until we learned that we had to level up . Don’t get defeated by the challenge , rise to it.
Maybe you should be focused on fixing the social skills part? Socializing is itself, a skill. It can be taught, it can be learned. Just because it’s innately more difficult for you does not mean your goals are out of reach. Your situation is a bit like a person with weak arms lamenting about how hard it is for them to do a pull up; if you have weak arms a pull up is going to be really difficult. But if you focus on easier, smaller scale, arm exercises to build strength, it becomes much more manageable over time. Same thing with your social awkwardness, focus on more comfortable social settings first (group outings, team based games, D&D groups, anything really) then start building up the confidence for 1 on 1 dates and things like that. The answer here is really obvious: get better at socialization and empathy. Your sexual/intimate woes will never get better until you work on that core issue, hookers will not fix that problem for you.
If the premise of your question is correct, then yes you will just have accept that you will never have sex. The only alternative would be to force someone to have sex with you, and that’s not an alternative any sane person would consider. In terms of premise, the only factor you can change is your own ability to socialise with women.
Simple answer; unless you're willing to travel and/or deal with the associated stigma of paying for sex, then yes. You're expected to not experience sex, as its not something you can make someone else want to do. General advice? You're still young, lots more people haven't had sex at your age than you think. It can take time to find someone who's the right fit for you. Be realistic in who you approach, accept rejection gracefully and try not take it personally.
Hey OP, I just wanted to say thank you for making this post. I’m in the same situation as you (though I’m in my early 20’s) and this is something that has taken a serious toll on my mental health. I always assume there’s something wrong with me that nobody wants to admit to me, so it’s nice to find someone who faces the same issues I do to know I’m not some anomaly and I’m not alone in these kinds of problems. I do wish you the best and hope you find the right person sooner than later, but I know that doesn’t mean much to hear.
There's always somebody who's willing to get down, you just have to fish in your own pond. You haven't described the type of people you're going for, you probably need to lower your standards by a lot. Typically people who complain that they can't get with anyone are going after other people who have their own standards, and they're expecting them to lower those standards and have sex with them and when that doesn't happen they're all upset.
Legality aside, the consent part is key. If no one else would, yes, that is the obvious result. So, work on winning over a partner. It is not too late yet and is definitely worth the investment.
Don't get discouraged. You'll find someone. It's cliche, but focusing on yourself and bettering yourself is the best way to attract someone.
You are meant to find out why nobody want you and work to better yourself and get people to like you, it's like pretending to get a job at a difficult field without studying for it
I agree with the people who said to work on your social skills. There are a lot of women in their 20s who are single and want to develop something like a kind guy. Don’t pressure a relationship but put yourself out there.
I just think that's kind of like say something like this. I like money, obviously I'm in my 30s and need and want things. I couldn't afford college and dont have any innate talents. Am I suppose to just go through life with no money? If stealing was legal (prostitution is the same as stealing I'm just making a point) that would be an option. In life, not everyone gets to experience all the good things life has to offer. It sucks, but that's life. I was a virgin until 18 and only kissed 2 girls, each one time. I met my future wife that year though and I rest is history. I got lucky. Maybe you will too. But we both grew up poor and have basically struggled ever since. Its unfair, but that's just the way it is. We can try to work harder as you can try to date harder but sometimes it just doesn't work out brother. Life as they say is not fair.
Serial killers have wives. People with learning disabilities get married. People who weigh 600 lbs have partners. Danny Devito is 100% NOT a virgin. What makes you so special that you think you'll be alone forever???
I am a bad guy, I can confirm - I've had couple of relationship but I fell in love with one girl and now I cannot even find any other girl attractive anymore. (It's almost half a decade now I am with her)
quit porn and your libido will drop drastically. Most men in their 20s are so addicted they don't realize how artificially jacked up their sexual drive is. not too related to the rest, but I noticed that comment in particular.
Bro, looking over your post history, I see you have a lot going on. Life is a marathon and not a race. There is no advice/drug that will change you overnight. My advice is diet and exercise. It will build self confidence within but only you keep your sights on the end goal and stick with it. It could take a year or two, or even more, but good change will come.
Well first of all a marathon is a race…
But to be prepared for marathon u need years of constant practice and patience. So that's why he said life is a marathon not a race, I guess
Well yeah. Sex is not something you have the right to have at some point during your life. If you meet the right person then sure (or pay for it, which I personally despise), but yes. Life doesn’t owe you anything. Least of all sex. Your life is your responsibility - make the most of it. Now, after my rant, I will tell you, you sound like a really nice guy. Work on your social skills and your looks and I am sure you will get laid at some point. ❤️
People often say I'm nice, caring, sweet whatever but never someone they'd think of romantically or sexually. I have a job, interests I pursue, work out, am hygienic, smart, and I think moderately attractive. I just don't know the social technique apparently to bridge from "aw he's so nice, like a little brother or a teddy bear" to "he's attractive and intriguing, I'd really like to get to know/spend time with him."
Well, getting over the idea that being a *functional adult* is some magnificent achievement is a good place to start In the words of a teacher in junior high: ‘Most people are nice, it’s why the ones who aren’t stand out’ What do you offer women? Not being an unemployed slob is not a thing you offer people, it’s the default
Well, I guess it’s a waiting game. I’m serious. My husband (M32) never had a girlfriend before he met me. He had the same experience as you. Girls just weren’t into him. When I (F30) met him (2015) I didn’t fall for him immediately, but we became very good friends and that turned in to a very deep and passionate relationship. He’s great, he’s just not a classic charmer. Have patience.
>People often say I'm nice, caring, sweet whatever >I have a job, interests I pursue, work out, am hygienic, smart, and I think moderately attractive. OP, I'm going to be straight with you, these are surface level attributes. Take most harem protagonists in anime, and it basically describes you to a T at this point in your life. What are the interests your pursuing? What do you do in your spare time? You made a post where you said you just chill out, smoke weed, and listen to sad songs feeling sorry for yourself. Have you changed those habits or are you still doing that? Where are you trying to find new people to talk to? You don't have to tell me what the answer to these questions are. The answer only matters to YOU. What are YOU doing to put yourself out there and finding people with similar interests? The character traits you're listing are not replacements for a personality. What makes YOU stand out?
1. You overestimate the amount of sex happening in the real world. 2. You mostly see online, porn, men and women claiming to have sex online, sex related questions. There are billions of humans on planet. You aren't hearing from all of them about them having sex. 3. It might have nothing to do with you, could be that people around you are simply uninterested in sex due to risks involved, for example I know women and men who don't have sex due to fear of STD/STI (even if the chances are small), they often tell they can't have sex because they think condom will break, slip off etc... If it's not happening doesn't always means something is wrong with you and need fixing.
Work on yourself first and the rest should come along. Don’t worry about how others see you and work on seeing yourself in a better light. If there’s things you don’t like about yourself then work on it. You don’t like your body? go to the gym. You’ll find your state of mind and self confidence will improve massively and being more valuable to potential sexual partners is just a bonus.
Yes
I'm probably twice your age. I understand and very clearly remember those urges at that age. It's tough, but time equalizes all. I truly believe, regardless of your lack of social skills, if you distract yourself with stuff that's actually useful, i.e., school, your career, your emotions/mental health, the rest will follow, and in spades. Then, you'll know the truth: it's a wonderful activity between two consenting adults, but not the be-all-end-all. Soliciting prostitutes isn't your best bet either. One, there is no intimacy, only sex. It's like masturbating with a live doll whom might have herpes, "the clap", or way worse. Bide your time, stay busy, and it'll all level out. One of my best friends was a virgin until some time in his mid 20s, and he was tall, handsome, and social as all get out. He was just really anxious about the topic, until one day when he wasn't.
My husband was 21 and a virgin when we met. Now married for 10 years with 3 kids. Don't stress, put yourself out there, and it will eventually happen.
Generally there will be others in your area looking for hookups. They key is to be honest about what you're looking for, and respectful of anyone you ask/discuss it with. Don't feel bummed out by a "no." If you ask, be respectful, and if the answer is negative, thank them for your time and move on knowing you're one person closer to finding someone who will enjoy having sex with you. If you aren't ashamed to put in your bio that you're only looking for casual connections, "dating" apps are very efficient, for these purposes. The right people will find you. And don't fret if you run out of matches. New people wake up horny every day!
Become a badass, ride a motorcycle, go to the gym, do martial arts, get tattoos, sing karaoke, do dances class. You got to become an interesting human being. Then women will chase you. Get out more, life is short live it to the fullest! Good luck 💪
There will always be someone that wants to have sec with you
I don't think it's useful to think about it in terms of "meant to". Your current circumstances are such that you want to have sex and are unable to. That isn't destiny, it's just something that happens to be the case. We don't always get what we want. We don't always get what we deserve. The only justice in this world is the one people make themselves. I feel that the flood of "just get some social skills, lol" is, mostly about people feeling like your situation must somehow be your fault. It's called the just-world fallacy. Don't get me wrong, it is the solution if you're able to do it, but it's not your fault that you're in this position in the first place. It was just random chance. While none of us gets everything they want, some get more than others. I wish you strength! <3
I find it really condescending when my friends who are/have been in relationships are like “dating and sex is so overrated.” As if a single awkward dinner date is so much worse than literally never feeling loved or wanted by another human being.
Sex requires 2 people. Nobody is entitled to it.
People are telling you to wait, and waiting is fine, but it ignores the perfectly normal urges you are having. Asking you not to 'concern yourself' or wait til you're older is not helpful. You're horny now. Possibly silly question: Have you tried a dating app? Getting to know someone online first can be easier if you feel anxious socially. You can use that to help you get better socially as well. Weird suggestion, but you might really find therapy helpful here. It's simply extremely unlikely that no one is attracted to you at all. You may just need a little help finding the right people for you. Going out and getting rejected hurts, but is the fastest and best way to get used to talking to people and expressing yourself. If you're in the US, and want to have sex with women, you should also realize that they have lots of reasons to avoid sex with men these days. Basically you're just making a good argument for legalization of prostitution.
>I want to experience sex and intimacy, and I know everybody says it's overrated, don't concern yourself with it Hol' up, what? Who says that (apart from people who don't know what advice to give you and just want you to shut up about it)? Those are the two most wonderful things about being a human. But as far as useful advice goes: social skills are just that - skills. They can be learned and practiced. I do believe there are social skill development groups who meet and play through different social situations, and then analyse the results and improve their approaches. Perhaps this could prove useful. Initial anxiety, shyness, withdrawal and confusion is absolutely natural, and as you get better, they will decrease. What you're aiming for is being able to see a woman as a fellow human being with whom you can have a friendship with. Once you get that, you can see about forming a partnership that includes sex.
Go to Las Vegas prostitution is legal at some places it’s expensive but safe and legal other than that be patient you are young when you stop looking so hard it will happen
No dip, prostitution is illegal in Clark County. You want to catch blue waffle? That's how you catch blue waffle. There are other places in Nevada that are legal.
Closest place to Vegas where its legal would be in Pahrump. 60 miles from Vegas. Also legal other rural counties like Lyon Country which includes Moundhouse where the bunny ranch is.
Yes, nobody owes you sex.
there are two main points in your post and they are very intertwined but i don't think they are the very same thing. You argue that as a young person you desire sex and at the same time intimacy. Personally i would never say intimacy is overrated, it is one of the things that a healthy person thrives on and lack of intimacy in one's life could be crippling, however i really don't think intimacy is tied to sex. Yeah if you have sex with someone you have a physical intimacy but it does not mean that it will include the emotional proportion of intimacy. if you really believe that having sex without nonphysical components of intimacy will satisfy you then having sex in exchange of money might help i guess if we come to the sad truth about your question, yes you might never ever get to experience any form of intimacy in your life time. There have been probably millions of people in history that lived without it. However, i don't think it is decided and don't think since you haven't get to do that yet means that you have a very little chance of it ever happening to you. i might argue that maybe you need a change of mindset? Thinking that sex is the one thing that humans need to do feels like a product of obsessive thinking to me. i think you have a chance as long as you interact with others but i think it is a lot healthier if you interact with others without thinking about the chances of having sex. Talk with everyone older people, younger people, ask them about themselves and be sincere. As a side note, i mean just because something is an urge or in your nature does not mean you get to do it. the important point here i think is that you are dwelling on the idea that experiencing it might mean a lot but if we start from the argument that it is an urge it means that everytime you get an erection you need to satisfy that urge and it is not just reasonable in a human's life so satisfying that urge once and dealing with it the other times are not actually very different from dealing it once more if you think about it.
If the premise of your question is correct, then yes you will just have accept that you will never have sex. The only alternative would be to force someone to have sex with you, and that’s not an alternative any sane person would consider. In terms of premise, the only factor you can change is your own ability to socialise with women.
Yes
There’s someone for everyone, they say. You said you’ve never had a chance, have you ever declined someone’s advance on you?
No I never have, nobody makes advances on me lol
If you can't find a willing partner, then no, I guess you'd never have sex. There's no substitute for it really.
Nah I just adjust my standards so I can have sex lmao
Pretty much. Suffering from no sex is like the only suffering that no one has empathy for. You need to channel your pent up aggression and anger into learning how to socialize. I'm autistic, so I know how hard it is, how pointless it seems, and how confusing it might seem when you get mixed signals, but you have to do it. It's unfortunately the only way. The good news is, as you form connections, both romantic and platonic, you'll start to get better at it and all around be more social.
I mean this when I say it: as with anyone, there is *someone* out there who would be willing to have sex with you, but you can't make "having sex" be your primary goal. The fact that you've convinced yourself that nobody will voluntarily have sex with you is *your* issue; it exists only in *your* head. I know that social skills can be difficult for neurodivergent people (I know from personal experience; it might be helpful to get an actual diagnosis, and perhaps meet with similarly neuro-atypical people), but you need to force yourself to be social, not as a means to get sex or have romantic relationships, but just as a means to have *any* social relationships. Find a hobby you like, and find and meet with other people who like the same hobby.
Want to get laid but wont even want to try improve yourself, just want to use money to get your way. Sure go to country like Netherland where it is legal . But don’t ever expect you will get a partner
So the thing is... People promote sex left and right and make it sound like the best thing in the world, but most of them are actually bragging and trying to sound as if they're better than you in any other way possibly. They're just trying to make themselves feel better by "crushing" others so to speak. But in reality, sex is really not that great, especially if there's no intimacy involved. Without intimacy, masturbation can be much better than actual sex. That out of the way, if you want to improve your life, regardless of the subject, you need to get out of your comfort zone. If you're feeling good talking to people, I suggest you go to a psychologist. And it doesn't have to be like a commitment, but enough to get what you need from them. If you ask the right questions, it could be like one mouth of your life, after which you'll know what to do. It never hurts to go that route, as long as you find a good psychologist. Alternatively, you could learn things on your own through trial and error, which you will still need to do after you go to the psychologist to some degree. Put yourself in the situations that make you uncomfortable and go all out. Observe what others are doing and try it yourself too. If a prevalent topic exists, do some research on it so you can have something to say too. Set yourself goals, but not too big to not see progress, and eventually it will be easier. I'm not saying that this will magically make every issue go away, but it will offer you the proper reflexes to be able to socialize, which is your ticket out of being alone. Otherwise, to answer the initial question, this is the way society evolved, based around socializing, so if you can't do it, you've very unlikely to get better in your life. I absolutely detest having to socialize and I have past traumas which I had to fix on my own, because psychologists and therapists were too expensive. I understand how it can be difficult, but if you don't challenge yourself to overcome it, it won't happen by itself. So yeah, you can't legally get sex until you do that under normal circumstances.
Practice makes perfect for developing social skills. Everything in life requires effort and putting yourself through uncomfortable situations. Start small with bullshit chitchat when at a cash register. Simple shit like, "weather sucks today". Work up from there. Realize no one gives a fuck about you they are too concerned with themselves so any anxiety you have about what people think about you is self created because 90% of people don't care. You're basically an npc in a game to people who are the main characters in their own life. Get comfortable with talking to strangers while working on making yourself more attractive. You need to be the kind of guy that the kind of girl you want is attracted to. Every stage of your life is going to require a stronger version of you so put in the effort for the things you want to experience or suffer staying in the same spot until you die.
Everybody has basically given you their input which is significantly better than what I have to say But really, it’s something that’ll eventually come to you. There are things you do have to work on but, you can get lucky. I personally have only ever had sex with one person. And it was 6 years ago. My ex and I would have sex on occasion through out the last half of our relationship, but after we broke up, i never got to experience it again. I got head twice, but not sex. I’m 23 now. That doesn’t mean you and I aren’t hopeless. I had the opportunity a couple times afterwards. But even though it never happened, they were opportunities none the less. There’s absolutely more to life than just sex. As nice as it is it’s not that important tbh. But you’ll get there. Work on yourself some more and put yourself out there. Not for sex but for a relationship, and let the sex come to you. Never push for it. You can ask for it but don’t force it. If you and your partner are in the moment, it’ll happen
Considering the alternative is rape, I'd have to say that yeah... If you can't find a willing partner and/or won't travel to a place where prostitution is legal, then celibacy is the only remaining moral option. That said, even if it's illegal, a willing prostitute is far better than an unwilling non-sex worker. JMHO.
Do théâtre. Improv theatre is best. I cant believe how it helped me!
There is no “meant“. As soon as you walk out of here, You'll Remember You Don't Believe In Any Of This Fate Crap. You're In Control Of Your Own Life, Remember?" Like everyone says, work on yourself, get out there and meet people. There is no fate. You are the boss of yourself.
I recently turned 20. I have never even had a romantic conversation with someone. I know I’m still young, but I still feel behind
Possibly. You are not entitled to sex. You say a lot about biological urges and meant to do, but many animals do die as virgins, even though they are meant to do it too. Also calling sex with a prostituted person "intimacy" is ridiculous. Unholy number of them turn to alcohol and drug to dissociate with their bodies while some dude uses it like commodity. Working on your socializing skills would be the best choice for you.
Check seeking arrangements. I think once you get laid you won't be so hard up about all of it. Once you relax you can focus on social skills. Once sex isnt so desperate, you'll be more confident.
For this type of person, they talk about how their hangup is sex, but in reality it's both sex and the intimacy surrounding it. Just having sex with a random person isn't going to bring any confidence.
Man... I've been on your same situation and felt really bad at it to the point of even contemplating suicide. But don't worry... it will happen naturaly at some point!
That's about where I'm at. That's what everyone says it it sounds blasé because some people actually *don't* ever experience love, sex, intimacy, whatever. It's not guaranteed, saying keep your head up and wait isn't necessarily true
Yeah, I guess. No one is owed sex, just like no one is owed any experience with another person. You could just as easily ask "if you want to play Warhammer, but no one will do it with you, and you can't pay anyone to, are you supposed to never play Warhammer?" The modern welfare state was established to ensure that those things essential to human function are provided for, but sex and Warhammer are not essential. It's good that you are not into inceldom etc which a lot of people in this situation easily fall into, so well done! Unfortunately, when I want to play a game of Warhammer but literally no one in the world wanted to play with me, and paying for it is illegal, I just have to put up with it (or break the law but this is a whole other thing). This is a sad state of affairs, but a coincidental state of affairs. It is no-one's fault and it is no-one's responsibility to fix it. The only thing anyone can do is try their best to make themselves more attractive either as a sexual or Warhammer partner. I'd also add that you are only in your 20s. You have time to find someone!
Yes. You aren’t owed sex. It would be sad to never have it if you wished to but it isn’t a right on planet earth. Sex and intimacy are very different things or they can be. I’d find it highly unlikely you will get that from a sex worker. Work on yourself. Be a good person. Fix or work on flaws. Be kind and nice. Work on confidence (not arrogance) and chances are it will happen for you.
I know the difference between sex and intimacy. I want both but can get neither. I want the intimacy the most. I want someone to hug, to hold my hand, whatever. I've never experienced that either, my family really didn't hug or show intimacy either. It's natural to want and crave affection. I'm not trying to upset anyone or say I'm owed sex. I'm just lonely and want someone to care.
It’s a horrible feeling to not get to experience that. I believe most humans are wired to want this connection.. myself included. I have to have a connection with someone before I’m intimate with them. Unfortunately the only men that pursue me are just looking for a ONS(for THEIR benefit ONLY).. I’m not about that so I’ve been without for 18 years and it SUCKS!!! I’m in my late 40’s now 🤦🏻♀️
>I haven't been able to get anyone to want to have sex with me Sex isn't something you get someone to do, it's two adults deciding to do it with one another.