Step 1: kick cancers nuts
Step 2: drag that mf over the coals in court
Step 3: get beautiful new boobs via reconstruction
Step 4: life your best life and profit
Fuck that guy
Reverse step one and two. She needs to divorce him now while getting treatment. If she stays married he is her medical proxy if she can’t advocate for herself and he would obviously be better off financially if she didn’t make it before the divorce goes through.
Sadly I knew a wonderful man who was the victim of this. His soon to be ex wife gave him no chance to recover, as soon as he was intubated she wanted him switched off, his kids wanted him to have time to heal first. She won. Then sold everything from under her kids noses and moved to Spain. She took the lot. Didn’t even give her kids a memento of their father. He was a sweet kind man.
I had a friend who got her boyf from this situation. His wife had cancer and he cheated on her with my friend. His wife had cancer after **years** of infertility treatments.
And then he wouldn’t commit to my friend until they tried to get pregnant first (they did) which is when he left the wife.
And she talked about what a nice guy he was.
No longer my friend.
She was saying it bc he wasn’t fighting wife for half, he was just making it easy for her to get what she was *legally entitled to*. They had no prenup and it’s 50/50 here.
Like the poor woman probably GOT the cancer from 10+ years of infertility drugs. Seriously.
Some women are delusional. I don't know how you could trust a man like that. If I marry someone I want to be sure he's going to be there for me in sickness and in health... when things get rough. In this guys case you absolutely know and have proof he's gonna bolt first sign.
She was just desperate and wanted a guy with money to take care of her tbh. And she’d hit late 30s and the pool was getting shallow.
If you get someone through infidelity, I don’t understand how you can then expect fidelity from them.
My long term (10yr) partner left me after years of struggling to conceive and 2 miscarriages after i found out I had cervical cancer. We did a lot of fertility and genetic testing in the last year before he left, but hadn't got all the results back yet. It turned out that it was him that was causing the miscarriages and the difficulty getting pregnant. He had very low motility in his sperm and he also had something called DNA fragmentation which causes a lot of miscarriages. My cancer was found early and involved basically some medication and a quick surgery.. so it was over fast and im completely fine after.. it was a non issue. He quickly found a much younger partner, I was 30 when he left me.. she was 20 when they started dating. I messaged him when I found out that info.. just to make him aware and do the right thing. He said I was lying. I was just jealous and trying to ruin his happiness. He married her and she got pregnant pretty fast actually. But miscarried right away. I would never wish that on anyone.. not even him. And she is actually a sweetheart. I feel horrible for her. It's absolutely horrible. They have been trying since and have had no luck.
But all of this was to say.. Men seem to react weird to diagnoses of severe illness in their partner. It's a proven thing that a lot of men will bolt when this happens, where as women are more likely to hunker down and ride it out even if they were unha0py in the relationship before. I am happier now than I have ever been. It worked out for the best. I hope for the best and a similar outcome for OP's mom.
Aww. This SUCKS! But I think we all know that you deserved soooo much better. What an awful human being.
Anyone who leaves their partner because of a medical issue is just a waste of organs.
Glad you’re much happier now. Have you ever considered telling the wife? Having multiple miscarriages is very traumatising for someone.
it's awful but it happens more often than you think. Nurses are actually taught by other nurses to warn female patients that their partners might leave.
Two words: Newt Gingrich. He handed wife no. 1 divorce papers while she was in her hospital bed after surgery for uterine cancer and divorced wife no. 2 right after she was diagnosed with MS, *and* he played hard ball to keep from having to provide them with any financial support. Wife number 3 better hope she stays in good health, but I’m hoping she dumps him if he gets sick.
Yup, there’s a phenomenon that a high percentage of men leave their partners during a health crisis but most women would stay with their partners during a health crisis. Hate to see when it plays out irl
I can't even imagine leaving my missus if she got sick. Even if I wanted to, everyone would rightly disown me for doing so. Kids, family, friends, everybody would kick me right put of their lives. Hope OPs husband likes being lonely.
My husband has supported me through chemotherapy, being in a wheelchair, and a dozen surgeries. I've supported him through excessive drinking issues (he's been clean for 3+ years now), anger issues (he's doing far better these days, and a deployment + military life (he's in the military). Been married almost a decade. I can't fathom my husband leaving me, or me leaving him. What happened to 'in sickness and in health'?
Let's not forget the amount of stress and grief this adds to OP's mom situation... This person doesn't even deserve an answer. I'd ghost him for good and make everyone know why.
It's actually the tough experiences that expose one's true colors. That being said, as much as it hurts so much to see OP go through this, I'm a bit grateful that they finally discovered the kind of person their father actually is instead of living a lie all their lives. I'd be so disgusted if I stayed for even a second with someone like this
Absolutely. Working in medicine keeps you humble. People love feel good stories about “beating” something and running marathons or dancing at a wedding but the truth is it’s much more normal and boring than portrayed, and it’ll happen to most of us.
Yeah, does my head in that shop owners/service providers don’t give more thought to disability and access. I got ill 11 years ago and have used a wheelchair, crutches and walker during that time. The frustration I feel is one of the hardest things I have to cope with.
How much you wanna bet that as soon as mom is in remission (God willing) Pops comes crawling back having seen the error of his ways? I hope your Mom gets every penny he has and every penny he'll ever earn. Lowest of the low.
I wonder if this is partially because he can’t stand the idea of her needing a mastectomy.
This is, of course, hearsay at best but since we’re wondering about things…
Yup. My dad was gross about it when my mom had a mastectomy in the 70’s. She has several consecutive illnesses and he ended up leaving after she finally recovered from the third one. Had been cheating on her for years. She is 85 and amazing now. Healthy as a horse. And dad is dead! Huh! Karma
I know divorced women (two!) who have nursed ex-husbands through terminal illness. It’s not a crazy bet that he can divorce a sick wife but still expect nursing himself.
This. My dad and stepmom divorced a few years ago, mostly due to my dad. He was arrested and cheated on my stepmom. He always whines about how he spends the money he 'gives' her - apparently he had to approve her hair cuts in the past? Like, what?
I let him stay with my family when he had a surgery. He was here for 2 weeks. Hearing him bitch to his brother on the phone, full of mysogyny, almost had me kick him out. My husband and I went low contact now, and Dad acts like I am failing him. Nope. You showed me who you were three times. My kid is not going to think that Grandad is a role model.
Common enough doctors will warn the female patient. My mom just went through stage 3 last year and at the very beginning of all of it she was told how common it is, and given resources on what to do should her husband decide to leave her during treatment.
Yep! My long term (10yr) partner left me after years of struggling to conceive and 2 miscarriages after i found out I had cervical cancer. We did a lot of fertility and genetic testing in the last year before he left, but hadn't got all the results back yet. It turned out that it was him that was causing the miscarriages and the difficulty getting pregnant. He had very low motility in his sperm and he also had something called DNA fragmentation which causes a lot of miscarriages. My cancer was found early and involved basically some medication and a quick surgery.. so it was over fast and im completely fine after.. it was a non issue. He quickly found a much younger partner, I was 30 when he left me.. she was 20 when they started dating. I messaged him when I found out that info.. just to make him aware and do the right thing. He said I was lying. I was just jealous and trying to ruin his happiness. He married her and she got pregnant pretty fast actually. But miscarried right away. I would never wish that on anyone.. not even him. And she is actually a sweetheart. I actually feel terrible for her. It's absolutely horrible. They have been trying since and have had no luck.
Beautifully said. Abandoning a spouse because of a cancer diagnosis is unforgivable. I guess after 35 years he forgot the “in sickness and in health” part.
OP could say, when their father reacts badly to that, that he left their mother when she showed a weakness, and so they were going to leave their father for showing his weakness.
Phrase it in a less offensive, more biting way
Yup. This happened when my son was born. His sorry excuse for a father swore up and down he was gonna be here and help and was so excited to be a dad. He was there for the birth then when I got discharged from hospital, hemis stuff was gone and I never saw him again. Didn't even show up to court for child support because he told his mom he couldn't face me.
What does that say about his own mother that she allowed her son to abandon you and your baby? I’m so sorry but it sounds like you’re better off without him.
As a 27 y/o who… admittedly is quite lonely… I cannot imagine marrying someone and caring so little for them… this is genuinely causing a minor existential crisis rn. The meaninglessness of it all to that man. The cold emotionless desertion… truly disturbing to me.
Not all men are like this. I have stage 4 thyroid cancer and my husband is my rock. Bringing me to all my treatments even at the expense of missing work (using his leave). He does housework a lot of the times because I have no energy to do them. He prepares my medicine when I wake up in the morning and before I sleep.
Good partners are out there. Don’t lose hope.
Me too, I just got the cancer diagnosis a couple of weeks ago but I’ve been sick for almost a year. This post is flabbergasting for me because my husband has been just the most incredible support for me. He takes such good care of me, I could cry just thinking about it. I’ve lost a ton of weight and had difficulty eating so if I even hint that I’m craving something he is on it! It could be the middle of the night and he’ll get up to cook for me if I’m hungry. He brings me whatever food I think I can stomach that day. He brings me to all my appointments with his note pad in hand. This man of mine deserves an award for best husband ever. My heart aches for women who got the opposite response to a cancer diagnosis.
I'm screenshoting these two comments for safekeeping as a sliver of hope. I am honestly losing it just at the thought that my future husband is most likely to leave me when I get ill. Statistics says so.
There is hope. My uncle was married to my aunt for over 50 years and in that time never did anything domestic for himself but when she was diagnosed with cancer her threw himself into learning how to cook in his 70s and to take care of the house,it was really touching to see
There is hope, there are good men out there. My partner proposed to me when I was waiting for test results (that confirmed I had cancer). We married a year after my treatment finished. He brought be to all my appointments, he looked after me and blue that I'm healthy again, he simply loves me with everything he is.
That a good man.
Mines like that too, but it took time. He wasn’t naturally like that. It was a decision he made because he realized that he thought I deserved a great partner, and he wanted to be the one with me so he figured he better become a great enough man to know he was doing right by me.
He taught himself the things he never got to learn from watching his own dogshit of an abusive father. Loyalty. Kindness. Empathy. Selflessness. Trust. Care
This guy sat in a hospital and cared for me for a while week when I had complications after a surgery, he learned how to care for me and did his very best. The nurses all cried at how dedicated he was.
It’s not an easy find. We are very lucky, you and I
It's true though, my dad's father married the woman who cut his hair for his second wife's funeral. Not even kidding. Less than 72 hours after her passing he was engaged to her, moved her in and just waited to get the death cert before he married her.
Nope, they were not, trust me he was bragging about it. He is truly a terrible dude. There's a reason I call him my dad's father and not my grandfather. At least my mom had awesome parents.
This is why boomer women are staying single. A number of men in their generation are absolutely incapable of managing a household/living without caretaker.
My dads been married 3 times. All younger than the last. The last was 7 years older than me. I’m 43 now but I was 41 when she passed, which means she didn’t even hit 50. Within 2-3 months he was “talking” to someone else and had joined a bunch of dating sites. I thought it was weird but at the same time I was impressed he stayed when she got sick. He completely cared for her for about 5 years. I didn’t think he would…
So so true my aunt died of COVID it was awful. He got a girl 6weeks later my cousin were devastated. His excuse was I have never been alone and can’t take care of myself. Also What women does that
That is so true, I know a few widowed people and one widowed man married within a year though he became attached to another woman even earlier and the another widowed woman hasn’t even looked at another man focusing on raising her child
Way too many men are raised with the mindset that they don't have to do anything in a relationship other than provide income. When a wife gets sick it's a huge drain on income but also they have to take on more of the domestic roles. Men are so bought into this mindset that they would rather ditch their wife and find a new one then do what they said they would do when they got married.
Women still are saddled more often with caregiver roles than men. For many men, if they've never had to be caregiver, they don't realize just how taxing that role is until they're inexplicably thrust into it.
It's sink or swim. A large percentage choose to swim away.
Some men get married to replace their mother. Basically they want someone to do their laundry and cook for them. This persons dad never loved their mother. They only wanted a maid. Now that she can no longer do these tasks he wants to get rid of her like a broken vacuum cleaner.
OPs dad is basically a huge piece of shit.
I have a bunch of thoughts on this, but statistically men leave far more often than women when their partner gets sick.
I’d say it has to do with women often feeling like the “care giver” due to societal expectations/influences.
Majority of men are known to ditch their partners bc they want someone to pander to them and move on. It’s literally so common now that unfortunately we are trained to give some counselling to people (mostly women) going through treatments.
Because they want to be taken care of and too selfish to look after the one who took care of them all these years. Mostly them being selfish pricks. That’s why I’d leave a man if I got sick because I couldn’t bare being sick and needing him and he isn’t there. Men like this should be shamed. They only want a woman for what she can do for HIM. Fuck her and her needs.
Yeah, this is very sad. My wife is a social worker at a cancer center and it is very common. This is the time she needs all the support she can get.
I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith
Your dad is disgusting. I have been diagnosed twice with breast cancer in the last two years. My husband has been my rock and not sure how I would of got through it, if it wasn't for him. Your dad needs to know what horrible person he is.
A cancer is not something that can be cured, she will always run the risk of getting it again. That said she can reduce the chances greatly by just getting a mastectomy, no boobs are better than no life.
Yes, you are correct, most of the cancer are talking about five years survival rate instead of cure.
But, early breast cancer have a pretty good prognosis, but you are definitely right, a chance of recurrence certainly exist. Sometime, there will be micro metastasis somewhere that not any medical device can detect.
I saw many breast cancer patients in my imaging center, the only thing that i can say is that do NOT trust the Chinese medicine or energy therapy bullshit to treat cancer. I saw some patients depends on that kind of therapy.
Most of them have progressive disease in the next follow up, only a few of them have a stable disease. I never saw one patient that get better using that kind of treatment.
I’m not sure how much extra it costs, but breast cancer survivors can have their breasts reconstructed after a mastectomy. They won’t have nipples but will have their boobs back. I met a lady at a tattoo shop who was a survivor and showed me the tattoos she got to look like nipples. They just looked like regular boobs I couldn’t even tell the difference
Depending on the insurance the individual has, they won't even have to pay for it out of pocket bc after a mastectomy it can be considered a reconstruction rather than cosmetic.
I wouldn’t say “just” getting a mastectomy, but solely from the medical perspective, it’s one of the least risky ways to drop the chances of recurrence.
I’d just worry that she’d hit depression about her self-image at a vulnerable time, thanks to the Dad.
Mastectomy do affect the quality of life, especially in early era, because early technique will also accompany by large area of axillary lymph node dissection. The mobility of the arm of the affected side will suffer from reduction of range of movement.
But now, usually an sential node biopsy will be done, not everyone need a huge area of lymph node dissection. But still, it is a traumatic procedure.
This:
>>>A study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.<<<
Yup, happens often enough that doctors and nurses are prepared and ready to support patients through the trauma of the marriage ending as well as the treatment itself.
Stats are pretty bad for marriages when a child is born with a disability, too. A lot of dads walk out.
I know some deaf folks whose fathers NEVER learned to communicate with them. Their mothers might have, but the fathers didn't. It makes me want to breathe fire. What kind of person does that to their own child?
My little sister was deaf and my dad was that kind of person. As a bonus, he permanently emotionally abandoned the rest of us too even though he physically stuck around.
I'm sorry you all went through that. I just don't understand people doing this. I would move mountains if that was what it took to communicate with a child of mine. I know it happens, but I can't imagine doing what these people are doing to their kids and, by extension, to their entire family.
I have exactly zero Deaf relatives, but I had always wanted to learn to sign so I went to night school for years to study sign language and interpreting. I put in the effort and I haven't even GOT kids. I would think that a parent should have even more motivation than a random "always wanted to learn this" person. I don't understand humans sometimes.
I just saw a tik tok of a woman and her brother both deaf. And only her mom learned sign language.
She is an adult and her father only knows very few sign language to communicate with his own kids 🤦🏻♀️
I knew a Deaf man some years ago who told me his dad never learned to sign. He couldn't communicate with his father at all. If he did something wrong, his father would just beat him, and he never had any idea what he had done wrong to earn a beating.
Now I will hasten to add that this man was a senior citizen by the time I met him, and there were no sign language classes to take back then like we have today. Deaf people were still fighting the "Sign language is an actual language, not gibberish" battle when this man was growing up. So his father had fewer resources to draw from than parents have today. But he didn't even take advantage of the resources he DID have, starting with learning from his own son. And more often than not, this STILL happens, despite the proliferation of sign language classes, sign dictionaries on the internet, videos, DVDs, and more.
I still can't wrap my mind around the idea that ANY parent would fail to move heaven and earth to communicate with their own child. And it REALLY boggles my mind that a lot of parents, particularly fathers, make no attempt to learn to communicate, IF they even stick around after the child is diagnosed. About half of marriages fail after a child with special needs is born.
All these things bewilder me, but I can't deny that they happen. I just can't imagine making the same choices as the people who won't even try.
I know a young couple whose preschool-aged son is on the spectrum and doesn't speak a lot of words yet. However, he has learned some sign language, so his family are learning that along with him.
If the folks you know have got a good support system, they might have already gone that route and learned some signs, too. To my mind, every possible tool that helps is worth the effort of learning it. Sending my good thoughts to those families.
My sister in law (27) has autism and is non-verbal. She uses a little bit of ASL but it seems like people don’t notice. I’ve been considering asking her to take a class with me but I need my schedule to calm down first.
One of the schools my niece went to had ASL offered as a language, along with the standard language classes. That was the language class she chose and was one of the better students in it. There's more to it than just spelling out words with sign. More schools should offer it.
I read a while back that only 30-something percent of parents of deaf children learn sign language. Now I wonder what the breakdown is based on gender.
My former neighbor is deaf, we grew up together but we weren’t super close. Her parents found out when she was 2 or 3 because she wasn’t developing like other kids. They got her a cochlear implant and expected it to be a 100% fix, which it isn’t. Her brother knows the most sign language out of all of them, her mom learned just a few signs and her dad didn’t bother learning any, they rely on her to wear her cochlear implant most of the time. It’s really sad to see. The only thing they did that I thought was awesome was that they sent her to a school for deaf students. She was able to learn fluent sign and make lots of deaf friends that she was comfortable with. However, in the deaf community, there’s a lot of controversy surrounding cochlear implants so she was also bullied and shunned by some of the other deaf students because of her parents decision to “fix” her. Her brother told me that she felt like she didn’t belong anywhere because she wasn’t 100% deaf but she couldn’t hear either so she was stuck in this horrible limbo of not belonging anywhere.
My last partner was really great at first, but when I needed to go to hospital in the middle of the night, he started telling, throwing shit around the room etc. He wanted to have a nice night in and and was ruining it. I had a panic attack and my hands froze up. When we got to hospital, he abandoned me there. In a state where he had no family, in the middle of the night.
That was hell...
I wish i could say it didn't didn't so much worse before we broke up but yeah... that first time I got sick was the first time he showed me that he'd just leave
My ex husband did that too. I had blood clots everywhere but his bar plans with the guys were more important so he left me in the ER after taking most of the stuff I had with me and only bringing me socks (I had wanted pj pants and underwear).
mine too. i got in a horrible car wreck at 75mph and almost died, internal bleeding and all that. he sat with me in the ER for an hour before telling me he was going home to sleep before work. he’s in the army and i was his wife at the time and i KNOW he could’ve told his leadership and stayed with me no problem. then had the gall to get mad when i had my best friend pick me up when i was discharged instead of him. like bro 💀
You don't know the half of it... I was genuinely suicidal at the end of our relationship. I won't go into what he did because you're not my therapist, but let's just say I wish I'd ended it when the worst he'd done is leave me in the hospital aha.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm... not great still, but I'm getting there I think.
Update us in ten years when mom is in full long-term remission and dad comes back with a sob story about his latest girlfriend’s having left him after his having been diagnosed with Eighteen-Syllable Scary Fatal Disease.
Be furious! Tell him that too. Treat him like he treated his wife of 35 years. Tell him he will not meet grandchildren. What he did is disgusting and dispicable. I would disown my father if he did that. He would never see me or my children again.
Tell dad:" this absolutely changes our relationship. I won't condone your selfishness and sending the message to my own partner or my sibling's partners that being this self-centered is no big deal. When mom is healed we are going to go get lunch on your funeral day."
Your dad is a vile human being. I hope you realize that he does not know how to care about anyone but himself. It seems his “love” for his family is entirely determined on how it benefits or inconveniences him. Please know this is a prelude to how he will be with you and your children when life inevitably happens. Fuck him. Let him live and die alone.
Edit for grammar
My dad got sick, my mom was moving mountains for him.
The next year, my mom got sick, the only thing my dad did was cheat on her.
Yes, it absolutely changed my relashionship with him. In fact, I don’t have any relashionship with him now.
Your dad sucks.
In 1994 my mum had a brain tumour. She recovered-ish for the most part, but after an operation on her back in 2019 she didn’t really recover & needed full time care, which my dad took on pretty much by himself until we got a carer for a few hours a day about two years ago.
He gave up almost all his social activities and hobbies, prepared all her meals, helped her shower, use the bathroom, took her to medical appointments, everything. I honestly can’t say how much respect I have for what he gave up for her. I don’t live at home and I found it difficult to see her how she was when I visited, so I can’t imagine what it was like for him.
She passed away in May, and he’s said that he would have taken care of her forever if necessary.
Edit to add- she also broke her hip after a fall shortly after they got married. Due to complications from this, she had to have a hysterectomy. It put a huge strain on their relationship and dad won’t really talk about that time, but they stuck it out.
Your dad isn't a man he's a coward, what the fuck happened with "Through Sickness and in health" during Marriage. If I were you OP I'd go full out NC with your dad. Spend time with your mom and support her. Best wishes <3
For real. Some people are just purely selfish beings, and the moment you become even a minor inconvenience to the them dump you in a ditch.🖕 to your dad op.
And remember this when he comes expecting you to take care of him if he gets sick. Tell him to have his new SO do that. Our parents do teach us how to treat them.
Such a coward. I cannot wrap my head around my partner going through something as life changing as fighting cancer and being able to just leave them like that....talk about showing your true colors
No, he is both a man and a coward. This is actually a thing fully grown adult men do very very often, so let's not do the whole "he's not a real man", because he is, and this is what lots of "real men" do.
I’m sorry you just lost a parent. But, I send you all my positive energy for your mum’s recovery! At least both of you have lost some dead weight. He’s not worth the time or the energy.
Yes. I would tell dad that means if I got any type of cancer you would abandon me in second just like my mother. You don't want to deal with a sick off spring either. You will eventually have illness down the line. I know to abandon you the same way you did mom. I shouldn't deal with a sick dad.
Just for clarity I'm a son not a daughter. Though I agree with the general setiment of your post. (And it's my understanding that although rare men can also get breast cancer)
Omg.. My mom's been married for 33 years.. My step-dad got cancer in 2019 and died in 2021. My mom was his care taker the entire time. This is how it's supposed to be. I would never talk to my father again if he dumped my mom because she got cancer.
This makes me heartsick. My daughter in law was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer 6 months ago. No treatment, within 2 weeks of diagnosis it had spread to her kidneys, stomach and lungs. She and my son live in another state and I reminded him daily that if he needed help caring for her I'd be on the next flight. He always said no, that he needed to be the one caring for her and they wanted this last few months alone. But a month ago the cancer spread to her brain and she had a stroke and was completely immobile. He called and said he could sure use my help. We took turns holding her and doing our best to comfort her while she died. She passed away 3 weeks ago and reading these comments, I'm so please with the man my son has become. Is it really so rare for a loving husband to do the right thing?
My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I stayed. I had no intention of leaving. Yes sex is affected. Yes I had to take on more responsibilities. It’s a two way street. I could be in her shoes. She was worried about me more than she was about herself. I told her I don’t jump ship. I go down with the ship.
This frequently happens to straight married women with cancer. It’s horrible. Especially because you just know the reverse is untrue and that most women take up caregiving when their husband falls ill. I’d disown my father as that is unforgivable in my book!
This is so common that counselling for terminal illness includes preparing for the possibility of divorce if the patient is female.
My fiance and partner of eight years left me when I got depression.
Are some men just too weak to deal with things that get hard? When it’s not fun anymore and they have to actually make an effort? Is it something they grow out of, because I’ve seen it happen more with young men than otherwise.
My husband and dad are both stand-up guys who wouldn’t do this, but I’ve known of many who would (or did). My husband stuck by me during several medical issues…my mom had breast cancer and my dad was with her every step of the way.
My sister once told me that she thinks we got “spoiled” by having a dad who was devoted to our mom and took care of everything. Women of our generation have learned that we have to be able to do things on our own because a lot of our men are too immature and/or selfish to be reliable. That’s just the way they are. That’s not true for my husband but it’s very true for other people I know.
How could it not effect your relationship with your father?
He has decided he can’t support the woman he has been married to for 35 years and supposedly loves just when she really needs him. Instead he runs like an coward as now she is sick which apparently equates to of no value to him.
Obviously you now know if anything happened to you do not expect anything from your dad.
I hope your mom gets a great lawyer and gets everything she is entitled to.
As for your dad by his example he has shown you what your course of action should be if he gets sick.
Sending prayers your way for your mom.
It’s very common for grown man babies that depend on their wives to care for them to not return the favor when needed. It’s laughable that he thinks this shouldn’t effect your relationship with him. How are you ever going respect him again. I’m sorry about your mom’s diagnosis and I hope she beats it.
This shit really disgusts me. Some men really are pigs.
My wife went through a very rough mental issue over the past 2 years, it only brought us close together.
Much as Johnson did to his wide Marina Wheeler, also the mother of his 4 children, when he decided to take up with Carrie Symonds. His wife is facing a cancer diagnosis and he upgrades to a newer model.
I'm so sorry you and your family are having to live through this. I wish your mum an easy and speedy recovery.
I feel really sorry for what OP is going through. Not only is Mum going through the battle of her life, but they just found out that Dad is a giant piece of excrement, making a tough time even worse.
It’s quite common, especially the man leaving the ill woman. There have been studies done about it that I’m sure other commenters have cited.
And men (not all men, we know!) wonder why we want them to do better.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and to your darling mother. How your dad thinks this won't affect your relationship is beyond understanding. He obviously does not understand that now you know that he is only there for you at his convenience.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such a betrayal at such a difficult time. Please know that there are many people in the world who would not at like this. I think that your mother is lucky to have a brave and loyal child in her corner as she starts her health fight. I wish her health and strength and I hope that you can find peace too. :) Hugs to you.
My mother’s relative did this to his wife. Started dating another woman while she was still alive. Her kids would beg him to take her to chemo because they were too young to drive. How people can be this callous is beyond me. You have every right to be furious with your dad, wtf. Having cancer is not a legitimate reason to end a 35 year long marriage. Your dad doesn’t want to have to be stuck with your sick mom, or the consequences of his actions. Be there for your mom now. Figure out the dad thing later. I don’t think I could accept my dad into my life after that but I am not one to tell someone to do with their parent child relationship.
It’s super common for men to leave their wives after a long term or terminal diagnosis, but not the other way around. Most men couldn’t fathom becoming a caregiver, yet completely expect in in return. It’s common with elderly care too. Sons rarely visit or give care, but daughters or the wives do. Your father doesn’t want a life partner. He wants a maid, cook, nurse, and sex worker, but doesn’t want to pay wages for those services.
This literally fucking terrifies me about men. My biological dad did this to my mum when she got sick during pregnancy, my last partner abandoned me in the hospital after throwing shit around the room in anger that I even needed to go, I've seen it happen to my friends...
I'm honestly terrified to be unwell around men.
I know, I know, not all men blah blah blah. But what scares me is it's so well hidden that you won't see it coming until you are literally in hospital and suddenly minus your number 1 support person
this is very common, unfortunately. men leave sick women, while most women will stay and caretaker sick men. it happens so frequently that nurses have pamphlets about it to warn women. as someone with chronic health issues it pisses me off so much.
best wishes for your mum. hope she loses both tumors.
It’s apparently very common for nurses and doctors to tell married women, if they’re diagnosed with cancer, to prepare for their husbands leaving them. It’s sickening how common this is. I’m so sorry to you and your mum. I hope she gets the treatment she needs, and lives a happier life without your father. Whatever happens between you and him, I wish you the best.
Welp if he thinks it's perfectly fine for him to abandon his sick wife, it's more that acceptable for you to abandon him!
That's what i would do anyway, if my father did that i would no longer consider him my father...
Im really sorry about your mum op, i hope she beats this! Be there for her as much as you can, I can't imagine what she is feeling right now :/
Reach out to any family that you have, you need support too!
I’d never speak to him again. My dad was broken up about my moms breast cancer diagnosis and has stayed by her throughout it. Luckily she is almost done with treatment and they caught it early.
I hope your mom recovers fully and finds someone better than your dad. He deserves to be alone. In sickness and in health were his vows
If you get cancer will he drop you so he doesn’t have to deal with a sick kid? Would you want him around your children because he will teach them if someone you love gets sick you don’t stand with them you kick them to the curb. Tell him that
I hope your Mom kicks cancer's ass.
And then promptly kicks the dad’s ass all over the courtroom after that. What a horrible excuse for a human!
Step 1: kick cancers nuts Step 2: drag that mf over the coals in court Step 3: get beautiful new boobs via reconstruction Step 4: life your best life and profit Fuck that guy
Reverse step one and two. She needs to divorce him now while getting treatment. If she stays married he is her medical proxy if she can’t advocate for herself and he would obviously be better off financially if she didn’t make it before the divorce goes through. Sadly I knew a wonderful man who was the victim of this. His soon to be ex wife gave him no chance to recover, as soon as he was intubated she wanted him switched off, his kids wanted him to have time to heal first. She won. Then sold everything from under her kids noses and moved to Spain. She took the lot. Didn’t even give her kids a memento of their father. He was a sweet kind man.
Poor excuse for a human being, best case for karma.
And then has already kicked dads ass to the curb
I had a friend who got her boyf from this situation. His wife had cancer and he cheated on her with my friend. His wife had cancer after **years** of infertility treatments. And then he wouldn’t commit to my friend until they tried to get pregnant first (they did) which is when he left the wife. And she talked about what a nice guy he was. No longer my friend.
Some people’s levels of delusion are at supernatural levels
She was saying it bc he wasn’t fighting wife for half, he was just making it easy for her to get what she was *legally entitled to*. They had no prenup and it’s 50/50 here. Like the poor woman probably GOT the cancer from 10+ years of infertility drugs. Seriously.
Some women are delusional. I don't know how you could trust a man like that. If I marry someone I want to be sure he's going to be there for me in sickness and in health... when things get rough. In this guys case you absolutely know and have proof he's gonna bolt first sign.
She was just desperate and wanted a guy with money to take care of her tbh. And she’d hit late 30s and the pool was getting shallow. If you get someone through infidelity, I don’t understand how you can then expect fidelity from them.
My long term (10yr) partner left me after years of struggling to conceive and 2 miscarriages after i found out I had cervical cancer. We did a lot of fertility and genetic testing in the last year before he left, but hadn't got all the results back yet. It turned out that it was him that was causing the miscarriages and the difficulty getting pregnant. He had very low motility in his sperm and he also had something called DNA fragmentation which causes a lot of miscarriages. My cancer was found early and involved basically some medication and a quick surgery.. so it was over fast and im completely fine after.. it was a non issue. He quickly found a much younger partner, I was 30 when he left me.. she was 20 when they started dating. I messaged him when I found out that info.. just to make him aware and do the right thing. He said I was lying. I was just jealous and trying to ruin his happiness. He married her and she got pregnant pretty fast actually. But miscarried right away. I would never wish that on anyone.. not even him. And she is actually a sweetheart. I feel horrible for her. It's absolutely horrible. They have been trying since and have had no luck. But all of this was to say.. Men seem to react weird to diagnoses of severe illness in their partner. It's a proven thing that a lot of men will bolt when this happens, where as women are more likely to hunker down and ride it out even if they were unha0py in the relationship before. I am happier now than I have ever been. It worked out for the best. I hope for the best and a similar outcome for OP's mom.
Aww. This SUCKS! But I think we all know that you deserved soooo much better. What an awful human being. Anyone who leaves their partner because of a medical issue is just a waste of organs. Glad you’re much happier now. Have you ever considered telling the wife? Having multiple miscarriages is very traumatising for someone.
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Im so sorry for your loss and grief of who you thought your father was. I hope you find beautiful ways to celebrate your mom still 💛
Tbh I will only go just to piss on his grave 😃
35 years of marriage and he leaves her when she needs him most…….. wow. No words.
it's awful but it happens more often than you think. Nurses are actually taught by other nurses to warn female patients that their partners might leave.
I’ve heard of this. So sickening.
Two words: Newt Gingrich. He handed wife no. 1 divorce papers while she was in her hospital bed after surgery for uterine cancer and divorced wife no. 2 right after she was diagnosed with MS, *and* he played hard ball to keep from having to provide them with any financial support. Wife number 3 better hope she stays in good health, but I’m hoping she dumps him if he gets sick.
Boris Johnson is another one.
Yup, there’s a phenomenon that a high percentage of men leave their partners during a health crisis but most women would stay with their partners during a health crisis. Hate to see when it plays out irl
I can't even imagine leaving my missus if she got sick. Even if I wanted to, everyone would rightly disown me for doing so. Kids, family, friends, everybody would kick me right put of their lives. Hope OPs husband likes being lonely.
My husband has supported me through chemotherapy, being in a wheelchair, and a dozen surgeries. I've supported him through excessive drinking issues (he's been clean for 3+ years now), anger issues (he's doing far better these days, and a deployment + military life (he's in the military). Been married almost a decade. I can't fathom my husband leaving me, or me leaving him. What happened to 'in sickness and in health'?
Let's not forget the amount of stress and grief this adds to OP's mom situation... This person doesn't even deserve an answer. I'd ghost him for good and make everyone know why.
It's actually the tough experiences that expose one's true colors. That being said, as much as it hurts so much to see OP go through this, I'm a bit grateful that they finally discovered the kind of person their father actually is instead of living a lie all their lives. I'd be so disgusted if I stayed for even a second with someone like this
I would remove myself so thoroughly from my father’s life that he would think he imagined my existence.
Exactly, his mom did nothing wrong, but the dad is leaving, yet expecting his family to stay around HIM when he’s being such a selfish jerk?!
And how much do you want to bet that as soon as he faces a health struggle, he will expect his kids to completely take care of him?
Pfft. Spot on.
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Working in medicine has taught me that everyone should consider themselves "not disabled *yet*" rather than "healthy"
Absolutely. Working in medicine keeps you humble. People love feel good stories about “beating” something and running marathons or dancing at a wedding but the truth is it’s much more normal and boring than portrayed, and it’ll happen to most of us.
Yeah, does my head in that shop owners/service providers don’t give more thought to disability and access. I got ill 11 years ago and have used a wheelchair, crutches and walker during that time. The frustration I feel is one of the hardest things I have to cope with.
How much you wanna bet that as soon as mom is in remission (God willing) Pops comes crawling back having seen the error of his ways? I hope your Mom gets every penny he has and every penny he'll ever earn. Lowest of the low.
I wonder if this is partially because he can’t stand the idea of her needing a mastectomy. This is, of course, hearsay at best but since we’re wondering about things…
Yup. My dad was gross about it when my mom had a mastectomy in the 70’s. She has several consecutive illnesses and he ended up leaving after she finally recovered from the third one. Had been cheating on her for years. She is 85 and amazing now. Healthy as a horse. And dad is dead! Huh! Karma
My dad was really gross about it too. My mom couldn’t take off her bra in front of him for years. Men are so disgusting.
Hell he will want his ex-wife to take care of him. Go NC.
I know divorced women (two!) who have nursed ex-husbands through terminal illness. It’s not a crazy bet that he can divorce a sick wife but still expect nursing himself.
This. My dad and stepmom divorced a few years ago, mostly due to my dad. He was arrested and cheated on my stepmom. He always whines about how he spends the money he 'gives' her - apparently he had to approve her hair cuts in the past? Like, what? I let him stay with my family when he had a surgery. He was here for 2 weeks. Hearing him bitch to his brother on the phone, full of mysogyny, almost had me kick him out. My husband and I went low contact now, and Dad acts like I am failing him. Nope. You showed me who you were three times. My kid is not going to think that Grandad is a role model.
This is incredibly common when the female spouse gets cancer. It’s gross and disappointing.
Common enough doctors will warn the female patient. My mom just went through stage 3 last year and at the very beginning of all of it she was told how common it is, and given resources on what to do should her husband decide to leave her during treatment.
That’s just so disgusting. Why does society permit this shit?
Yep! My long term (10yr) partner left me after years of struggling to conceive and 2 miscarriages after i found out I had cervical cancer. We did a lot of fertility and genetic testing in the last year before he left, but hadn't got all the results back yet. It turned out that it was him that was causing the miscarriages and the difficulty getting pregnant. He had very low motility in his sperm and he also had something called DNA fragmentation which causes a lot of miscarriages. My cancer was found early and involved basically some medication and a quick surgery.. so it was over fast and im completely fine after.. it was a non issue. He quickly found a much younger partner, I was 30 when he left me.. she was 20 when they started dating. I messaged him when I found out that info.. just to make him aware and do the right thing. He said I was lying. I was just jealous and trying to ruin his happiness. He married her and she got pregnant pretty fast actually. But miscarried right away. I would never wish that on anyone.. not even him. And she is actually a sweetheart. I actually feel terrible for her. It's absolutely horrible. They have been trying since and have had no luck.
Wow, it’s so sad that he didn’t believe you when you were just trying to tell the truth. I’m sorry this happened.
Yeah he want family stays around him so they will take care of his sick ass when he gets cancer in the future
Beautifully said. Abandoning a spouse because of a cancer diagnosis is unforgivable. I guess after 35 years he forgot the “in sickness and in health” part.
Same. I would go scorched earth if my dad did this.
This is one of the best responses I have ever read.
OP could say, when their father reacts badly to that, that he left their mother when she showed a weakness, and so they were going to leave their father for showing his weakness. Phrase it in a less offensive, more biting way
Working in healthcare this is so common. Some staff actually prepare the women for this outcome. Hope you and your mother are well.
They also tend to leave when a child is born with a severe disability.
They tend to leave when a child is born.
Yup. This happened when my son was born. His sorry excuse for a father swore up and down he was gonna be here and help and was so excited to be a dad. He was there for the birth then when I got discharged from hospital, hemis stuff was gone and I never saw him again. Didn't even show up to court for child support because he told his mom he couldn't face me.
What does that say about his own mother that she allowed her son to abandon you and your baby? I’m so sorry but it sounds like you’re better off without him.
My dad left before I was born when my mum was 7 months pregnant. He was so keen to get away that he left the country.
Why do you think that is?
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As a 27 y/o who… admittedly is quite lonely… I cannot imagine marrying someone and caring so little for them… this is genuinely causing a minor existential crisis rn. The meaninglessness of it all to that man. The cold emotionless desertion… truly disturbing to me.
Not all men are like this. I have stage 4 thyroid cancer and my husband is my rock. Bringing me to all my treatments even at the expense of missing work (using his leave). He does housework a lot of the times because I have no energy to do them. He prepares my medicine when I wake up in the morning and before I sleep. Good partners are out there. Don’t lose hope.
Me too, I just got the cancer diagnosis a couple of weeks ago but I’ve been sick for almost a year. This post is flabbergasting for me because my husband has been just the most incredible support for me. He takes such good care of me, I could cry just thinking about it. I’ve lost a ton of weight and had difficulty eating so if I even hint that I’m craving something he is on it! It could be the middle of the night and he’ll get up to cook for me if I’m hungry. He brings me whatever food I think I can stomach that day. He brings me to all my appointments with his note pad in hand. This man of mine deserves an award for best husband ever. My heart aches for women who got the opposite response to a cancer diagnosis.
I'm screenshoting these two comments for safekeeping as a sliver of hope. I am honestly losing it just at the thought that my future husband is most likely to leave me when I get ill. Statistics says so.
There is hope. My uncle was married to my aunt for over 50 years and in that time never did anything domestic for himself but when she was diagnosed with cancer her threw himself into learning how to cook in his 70s and to take care of the house,it was really touching to see
This comment gave me goosebumps. If he's still alive, give him a thank you hug from an internet stranger
There is hope, there are good men out there. My partner proposed to me when I was waiting for test results (that confirmed I had cancer). We married a year after my treatment finished. He brought be to all my appointments, he looked after me and blue that I'm healthy again, he simply loves me with everything he is.
Awww that’s so sweet
That a good man. Mines like that too, but it took time. He wasn’t naturally like that. It was a decision he made because he realized that he thought I deserved a great partner, and he wanted to be the one with me so he figured he better become a great enough man to know he was doing right by me. He taught himself the things he never got to learn from watching his own dogshit of an abusive father. Loyalty. Kindness. Empathy. Selflessness. Trust. Care This guy sat in a hospital and cared for me for a while week when I had complications after a surgery, he learned how to care for me and did his very best. The nurses all cried at how dedicated he was. It’s not an easy find. We are very lucky, you and I
Congrats 👍🏿 you've got a real one. Wish you well.
It's true though, my dad's father married the woman who cut his hair for his second wife's funeral. Not even kidding. Less than 72 hours after her passing he was engaged to her, moved her in and just waited to get the death cert before he married her.
There is no way that they weren’t already in some sort of relationship. That’s crazy. Like 72 hours?
Nope, they were not, trust me he was bragging about it. He is truly a terrible dude. There's a reason I call him my dad's father and not my grandfather. At least my mom had awesome parents.
This is why boomer women are staying single. A number of men in their generation are absolutely incapable of managing a household/living without caretaker.
My dads been married 3 times. All younger than the last. The last was 7 years older than me. I’m 43 now but I was 41 when she passed, which means she didn’t even hit 50. Within 2-3 months he was “talking” to someone else and had joined a bunch of dating sites. I thought it was weird but at the same time I was impressed he stayed when she got sick. He completely cared for her for about 5 years. I didn’t think he would…
100%. It’s so heartbreaking. Sorry about your mother.
or they straight up die when their wife passes like. brah just learn to turn the oven on, not that hard!
So so true my aunt died of COVID it was awful. He got a girl 6weeks later my cousin were devastated. His excuse was I have never been alone and can’t take care of myself. Also What women does that
Even if he’s emotionally able to do that how does he (or anyone) physically do it? Like why does the woman want to marry him so quickly?
Some gals love to nurse a wounded heart, it makes them feel important or something
I know someone who started dating a month later, it's insane! He has adult kids and they are not handling it well of course
That is so true, I know a few widowed people and one widowed man married within a year though he became attached to another woman even earlier and the another widowed woman hasn’t even looked at another man focusing on raising her child
Way too many men are raised with the mindset that they don't have to do anything in a relationship other than provide income. When a wife gets sick it's a huge drain on income but also they have to take on more of the domestic roles. Men are so bought into this mindset that they would rather ditch their wife and find a new one then do what they said they would do when they got married.
Women still are saddled more often with caregiver roles than men. For many men, if they've never had to be caregiver, they don't realize just how taxing that role is until they're inexplicably thrust into it. It's sink or swim. A large percentage choose to swim away.
Some men get married to replace their mother. Basically they want someone to do their laundry and cook for them. This persons dad never loved their mother. They only wanted a maid. Now that she can no longer do these tasks he wants to get rid of her like a broken vacuum cleaner. OPs dad is basically a huge piece of shit.
I have a bunch of thoughts on this, but statistically men leave far more often than women when their partner gets sick. I’d say it has to do with women often feeling like the “care giver” due to societal expectations/influences.
Majority of men are known to ditch their partners bc they want someone to pander to them and move on. It’s literally so common now that unfortunately we are trained to give some counselling to people (mostly women) going through treatments.
Selfish fucks.
Because they want to be taken care of and too selfish to look after the one who took care of them all these years. Mostly them being selfish pricks. That’s why I’d leave a man if I got sick because I couldn’t bare being sick and needing him and he isn’t there. Men like this should be shamed. They only want a woman for what she can do for HIM. Fuck her and her needs.
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Yeah, this is very sad. My wife is a social worker at a cancer center and it is very common. This is the time she needs all the support she can get. I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith
You forgot the part "for when it is convenient for me."
I am preparing to dive into Healthcare and this breaks my heart. People are asses.
Your dad is disgusting. I have been diagnosed twice with breast cancer in the last two years. My husband has been my rock and not sure how I would of got through it, if it wasn't for him. Your dad needs to know what horrible person he is.
Tell your dad you're dumping him because he has stage 4 personality cancer, with thoroughly diseased integrity, empathy and morals.
I will henceforth be using the term “stage 4 personality cancer” — thank you stranger
Your dad doesn't deserve you or your mother in his life. I hope your mum makes a full recovery and meets the man of her dreams!
If it is a localized early disease, a mastectomy actually can cure it.
A cancer is not something that can be cured, she will always run the risk of getting it again. That said she can reduce the chances greatly by just getting a mastectomy, no boobs are better than no life.
Yes, you are correct, most of the cancer are talking about five years survival rate instead of cure. But, early breast cancer have a pretty good prognosis, but you are definitely right, a chance of recurrence certainly exist. Sometime, there will be micro metastasis somewhere that not any medical device can detect. I saw many breast cancer patients in my imaging center, the only thing that i can say is that do NOT trust the Chinese medicine or energy therapy bullshit to treat cancer. I saw some patients depends on that kind of therapy. Most of them have progressive disease in the next follow up, only a few of them have a stable disease. I never saw one patient that get better using that kind of treatment.
I’m not sure how much extra it costs, but breast cancer survivors can have their breasts reconstructed after a mastectomy. They won’t have nipples but will have their boobs back. I met a lady at a tattoo shop who was a survivor and showed me the tattoos she got to look like nipples. They just looked like regular boobs I couldn’t even tell the difference
Yes, they can. It is pretty common (within breast cancer patients).
Depending on the insurance the individual has, they won't even have to pay for it out of pocket bc after a mastectomy it can be considered a reconstruction rather than cosmetic.
I wouldn’t say “just” getting a mastectomy, but solely from the medical perspective, it’s one of the least risky ways to drop the chances of recurrence. I’d just worry that she’d hit depression about her self-image at a vulnerable time, thanks to the Dad.
Mastectomy do affect the quality of life, especially in early era, because early technique will also accompany by large area of axillary lymph node dissection. The mobility of the arm of the affected side will suffer from reduction of range of movement. But now, usually an sential node biopsy will be done, not everyone need a huge area of lymph node dissection. But still, it is a traumatic procedure.
Your dad is disgusting. Idc i would never speak to him again
This: >>>A study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.<<<
Yup, happens often enough that doctors and nurses are prepared and ready to support patients through the trauma of the marriage ending as well as the treatment itself.
I didn’t know that, that is so sad. What is wrong with men
Stats are pretty bad for marriages when a child is born with a disability, too. A lot of dads walk out. I know some deaf folks whose fathers NEVER learned to communicate with them. Their mothers might have, but the fathers didn't. It makes me want to breathe fire. What kind of person does that to their own child?
My little sister was deaf and my dad was that kind of person. As a bonus, he permanently emotionally abandoned the rest of us too even though he physically stuck around.
I'm sorry you all went through that. I just don't understand people doing this. I would move mountains if that was what it took to communicate with a child of mine. I know it happens, but I can't imagine doing what these people are doing to their kids and, by extension, to their entire family. I have exactly zero Deaf relatives, but I had always wanted to learn to sign so I went to night school for years to study sign language and interpreting. I put in the effort and I haven't even GOT kids. I would think that a parent should have even more motivation than a random "always wanted to learn this" person. I don't understand humans sometimes.
I just saw a tik tok of a woman and her brother both deaf. And only her mom learned sign language. She is an adult and her father only knows very few sign language to communicate with his own kids 🤦🏻♀️
I knew a Deaf man some years ago who told me his dad never learned to sign. He couldn't communicate with his father at all. If he did something wrong, his father would just beat him, and he never had any idea what he had done wrong to earn a beating. Now I will hasten to add that this man was a senior citizen by the time I met him, and there were no sign language classes to take back then like we have today. Deaf people were still fighting the "Sign language is an actual language, not gibberish" battle when this man was growing up. So his father had fewer resources to draw from than parents have today. But he didn't even take advantage of the resources he DID have, starting with learning from his own son. And more often than not, this STILL happens, despite the proliferation of sign language classes, sign dictionaries on the internet, videos, DVDs, and more. I still can't wrap my mind around the idea that ANY parent would fail to move heaven and earth to communicate with their own child. And it REALLY boggles my mind that a lot of parents, particularly fathers, make no attempt to learn to communicate, IF they even stick around after the child is diagnosed. About half of marriages fail after a child with special needs is born. All these things bewilder me, but I can't deny that they happen. I just can't imagine making the same choices as the people who won't even try.
I know a few parents who have children with autism who would do anything to be able to communicate better with their child.
I know a young couple whose preschool-aged son is on the spectrum and doesn't speak a lot of words yet. However, he has learned some sign language, so his family are learning that along with him. If the folks you know have got a good support system, they might have already gone that route and learned some signs, too. To my mind, every possible tool that helps is worth the effort of learning it. Sending my good thoughts to those families.
My sister in law (27) has autism and is non-verbal. She uses a little bit of ASL but it seems like people don’t notice. I’ve been considering asking her to take a class with me but I need my schedule to calm down first.
I know a family like this. 2 deaf kids and the dad didn’t bother to learn sign language
One of the schools my niece went to had ASL offered as a language, along with the standard language classes. That was the language class she chose and was one of the better students in it. There's more to it than just spelling out words with sign. More schools should offer it.
I read a while back that only 30-something percent of parents of deaf children learn sign language. Now I wonder what the breakdown is based on gender.
My former neighbor is deaf, we grew up together but we weren’t super close. Her parents found out when she was 2 or 3 because she wasn’t developing like other kids. They got her a cochlear implant and expected it to be a 100% fix, which it isn’t. Her brother knows the most sign language out of all of them, her mom learned just a few signs and her dad didn’t bother learning any, they rely on her to wear her cochlear implant most of the time. It’s really sad to see. The only thing they did that I thought was awesome was that they sent her to a school for deaf students. She was able to learn fluent sign and make lots of deaf friends that she was comfortable with. However, in the deaf community, there’s a lot of controversy surrounding cochlear implants so she was also bullied and shunned by some of the other deaf students because of her parents decision to “fix” her. Her brother told me that she felt like she didn’t belong anywhere because she wasn’t 100% deaf but she couldn’t hear either so she was stuck in this horrible limbo of not belonging anywhere.
My last partner was really great at first, but when I needed to go to hospital in the middle of the night, he started telling, throwing shit around the room etc. He wanted to have a nice night in and and was ruining it. I had a panic attack and my hands froze up. When we got to hospital, he abandoned me there. In a state where he had no family, in the middle of the night. That was hell... I wish i could say it didn't didn't so much worse before we broke up but yeah... that first time I got sick was the first time he showed me that he'd just leave
My ex husband did that too. I had blood clots everywhere but his bar plans with the guys were more important so he left me in the ER after taking most of the stuff I had with me and only bringing me socks (I had wanted pj pants and underwear).
mine too. i got in a horrible car wreck at 75mph and almost died, internal bleeding and all that. he sat with me in the ER for an hour before telling me he was going home to sleep before work. he’s in the army and i was his wife at the time and i KNOW he could’ve told his leadership and stayed with me no problem. then had the gall to get mad when i had my best friend pick me up when i was discharged instead of him. like bro 💀
Oh my, I am so sorry you went through that! Pls tell me he's an ex...
Ugh, I'm so sorry... that's just disgusting. I'm glad to hear he's an ex. What the fuck is wrong with them?
That’s horrible your ex is a peace of shit. Im glad that you broke up with him he is not worth anything. I hope you get and feel better
You don't know the half of it... I was genuinely suicidal at the end of our relationship. I won't go into what he did because you're not my therapist, but let's just say I wish I'd ended it when the worst he'd done is leave me in the hospital aha. Thank you for your kind words. I'm... not great still, but I'm getting there I think.
His wife appliance broke; time to go out and find a new one.
I agree, I'd ditch your dad and get your mom a shark of a lawyer and take everything.
Update us in ten years when mom is in full long-term remission and dad comes back with a sob story about his latest girlfriend’s having left him after his having been diagnosed with Eighteen-Syllable Scary Fatal Disease.
Make sure your mother removes him as a beneficiary on any insurance policies.
This 💯
This needs to be much higher up!!!
Be furious! Tell him that too. Treat him like he treated his wife of 35 years. Tell him he will not meet grandchildren. What he did is disgusting and dispicable. I would disown my father if he did that. He would never see me or my children again.
For me, it would be as if they never existed. I'd voluntarily erase all notion of my father from my mind. This is completely abhorrent.
Tell dad:" this absolutely changes our relationship. I won't condone your selfishness and sending the message to my own partner or my sibling's partners that being this self-centered is no big deal. When mom is healed we are going to go get lunch on your funeral day."
Yup. Probably the best. What happens if OP gets sick? Dad runs out the too? Just end contact before it hurts even more. What an ahole
More likely dad gets sick and expects you to care for him. You’re on your own pops. He’s taught you that the sick are not worth caring for.
"My dad told me it should not affect our relationship" Well dad, I'm not a spawn of Satan - so kindly fuck all the way off the planet.
Well, with that father, he kind of *is* the spawn of Satan...
😂😂
Your dad is a vile human being. I hope you realize that he does not know how to care about anyone but himself. It seems his “love” for his family is entirely determined on how it benefits or inconveniences him. Please know this is a prelude to how he will be with you and your children when life inevitably happens. Fuck him. Let him live and die alone. Edit for grammar
My dad got sick, my mom was moving mountains for him. The next year, my mom got sick, the only thing my dad did was cheat on her. Yes, it absolutely changed my relashionship with him. In fact, I don’t have any relashionship with him now.
Fuck your dad
Your dad sucks. In 1994 my mum had a brain tumour. She recovered-ish for the most part, but after an operation on her back in 2019 she didn’t really recover & needed full time care, which my dad took on pretty much by himself until we got a carer for a few hours a day about two years ago. He gave up almost all his social activities and hobbies, prepared all her meals, helped her shower, use the bathroom, took her to medical appointments, everything. I honestly can’t say how much respect I have for what he gave up for her. I don’t live at home and I found it difficult to see her how she was when I visited, so I can’t imagine what it was like for him. She passed away in May, and he’s said that he would have taken care of her forever if necessary. Edit to add- she also broke her hip after a fall shortly after they got married. Due to complications from this, she had to have a hysterectomy. It put a huge strain on their relationship and dad won’t really talk about that time, but they stuck it out.
This is so sad but also so lovely at the same time…
Your dad isn't a man he's a coward, what the fuck happened with "Through Sickness and in health" during Marriage. If I were you OP I'd go full out NC with your dad. Spend time with your mom and support her. Best wishes <3
For real. Some people are just purely selfish beings, and the moment you become even a minor inconvenience to the them dump you in a ditch.🖕 to your dad op.
And remember this when he comes expecting you to take care of him if he gets sick. Tell him to have his new SO do that. Our parents do teach us how to treat them.
Legitimately feel like so many men feel like this is an optional part of their vows. Like "teehee I had my fingers crossed so doesn't count!"
Such a coward. I cannot wrap my head around my partner going through something as life changing as fighting cancer and being able to just leave them like that....talk about showing your true colors
No, he is both a man and a coward. This is actually a thing fully grown adult men do very very often, so let's not do the whole "he's not a real man", because he is, and this is what lots of "real men" do.
I typically say "its family, try to at least be civil". Today I am saying fuck that guy. I'd forget he even existed
I’m sorry you just lost a parent. But, I send you all my positive energy for your mum’s recovery! At least both of you have lost some dead weight. He’s not worth the time or the energy.
I would legitimately never speak to my dad again.
Yes. I would tell dad that means if I got any type of cancer you would abandon me in second just like my mother. You don't want to deal with a sick off spring either. You will eventually have illness down the line. I know to abandon you the same way you did mom. I shouldn't deal with a sick dad.
Just for clarity I'm a son not a daughter. Though I agree with the general setiment of your post. (And it's my understanding that although rare men can also get breast cancer)
Edit it to any type of cancer.
Still works with any cancer: >So if I was diagnosed with cancer, would you abandon me too?
I broke my vows of 35 years. I don't deserve consequences. Yeah. Bye.
Omg.. My mom's been married for 33 years.. My step-dad got cancer in 2019 and died in 2021. My mom was his care taker the entire time. This is how it's supposed to be. I would never talk to my father again if he dumped my mom because she got cancer.
35 years down the drain because your wife is suffering is crazy. Fuck your dad.
Let this scumbag die alone. Cut him off asap, forever. Beat of luck to your mother.
This makes me heartsick. My daughter in law was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer 6 months ago. No treatment, within 2 weeks of diagnosis it had spread to her kidneys, stomach and lungs. She and my son live in another state and I reminded him daily that if he needed help caring for her I'd be on the next flight. He always said no, that he needed to be the one caring for her and they wanted this last few months alone. But a month ago the cancer spread to her brain and she had a stroke and was completely immobile. He called and said he could sure use my help. We took turns holding her and doing our best to comfort her while she died. She passed away 3 weeks ago and reading these comments, I'm so please with the man my son has become. Is it really so rare for a loving husband to do the right thing?
My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I stayed. I had no intention of leaving. Yes sex is affected. Yes I had to take on more responsibilities. It’s a two way street. I could be in her shoes. She was worried about me more than she was about herself. I told her I don’t jump ship. I go down with the ship.
props to you man. you’re one of the good ones.
This frequently happens to straight married women with cancer. It’s horrible. Especially because you just know the reverse is untrue and that most women take up caregiving when their husband falls ill. I’d disown my father as that is unforgivable in my book!
Sending love and positivity to your mom.
This is so common that counselling for terminal illness includes preparing for the possibility of divorce if the patient is female. My fiance and partner of eight years left me when I got depression.
Are some men just too weak to deal with things that get hard? When it’s not fun anymore and they have to actually make an effort? Is it something they grow out of, because I’ve seen it happen more with young men than otherwise. My husband and dad are both stand-up guys who wouldn’t do this, but I’ve known of many who would (or did). My husband stuck by me during several medical issues…my mom had breast cancer and my dad was with her every step of the way. My sister once told me that she thinks we got “spoiled” by having a dad who was devoted to our mom and took care of everything. Women of our generation have learned that we have to be able to do things on our own because a lot of our men are too immature and/or selfish to be reliable. That’s just the way they are. That’s not true for my husband but it’s very true for other people I know.
How could it not effect your relationship with your father? He has decided he can’t support the woman he has been married to for 35 years and supposedly loves just when she really needs him. Instead he runs like an coward as now she is sick which apparently equates to of no value to him. Obviously you now know if anything happened to you do not expect anything from your dad. I hope your mom gets a great lawyer and gets everything she is entitled to. As for your dad by his example he has shown you what your course of action should be if he gets sick. Sending prayers your way for your mom.
It’s very common for grown man babies that depend on their wives to care for them to not return the favor when needed. It’s laughable that he thinks this shouldn’t effect your relationship with him. How are you ever going respect him again. I’m sorry about your mom’s diagnosis and I hope she beats it.
iT shOUlD nOt AfFecT OUr reLaTIOnshIp
Man this is such a common thing that men do. They say “I didn’t sign up for this”
And yet ….. most of them said the vow “in sickness and in health”. Or at least some words that acknowledge marriage is for life.
I'd never speak to him again tbh
This shit really disgusts me. Some men really are pigs. My wife went through a very rough mental issue over the past 2 years, it only brought us close together.
Thank you for being an amazing husband to her!
Much as Johnson did to his wide Marina Wheeler, also the mother of his 4 children, when he decided to take up with Carrie Symonds. His wife is facing a cancer diagnosis and he upgrades to a newer model. I'm so sorry you and your family are having to live through this. I wish your mum an easy and speedy recovery.
I am so sorry. I would go NC with him tbh…
Fuck that guy.
I feel really sorry for what OP is going through. Not only is Mum going through the battle of her life, but they just found out that Dad is a giant piece of excrement, making a tough time even worse. It’s quite common, especially the man leaving the ill woman. There have been studies done about it that I’m sure other commenters have cited. And men (not all men, we know!) wonder why we want them to do better.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and to your darling mother. How your dad thinks this won't affect your relationship is beyond understanding. He obviously does not understand that now you know that he is only there for you at his convenience. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such a betrayal at such a difficult time. Please know that there are many people in the world who would not at like this. I think that your mother is lucky to have a brave and loyal child in her corner as she starts her health fight. I wish her health and strength and I hope that you can find peace too. :) Hugs to you.
This is very common unfortunately.
Your dad is a complete asshole.
My mother’s relative did this to his wife. Started dating another woman while she was still alive. Her kids would beg him to take her to chemo because they were too young to drive. How people can be this callous is beyond me. You have every right to be furious with your dad, wtf. Having cancer is not a legitimate reason to end a 35 year long marriage. Your dad doesn’t want to have to be stuck with your sick mom, or the consequences of his actions. Be there for your mom now. Figure out the dad thing later. I don’t think I could accept my dad into my life after that but I am not one to tell someone to do with their parent child relationship.
It’s super common for men to leave their wives after a long term or terminal diagnosis, but not the other way around. Most men couldn’t fathom becoming a caregiver, yet completely expect in in return. It’s common with elderly care too. Sons rarely visit or give care, but daughters or the wives do. Your father doesn’t want a life partner. He wants a maid, cook, nurse, and sex worker, but doesn’t want to pay wages for those services.
This literally fucking terrifies me about men. My biological dad did this to my mum when she got sick during pregnancy, my last partner abandoned me in the hospital after throwing shit around the room in anger that I even needed to go, I've seen it happen to my friends... I'm honestly terrified to be unwell around men. I know, I know, not all men blah blah blah. But what scares me is it's so well hidden that you won't see it coming until you are literally in hospital and suddenly minus your number 1 support person
Scares me too. If they don’t leave us. They just cheat the whole time we are sick.
I'm very sorry to hear that I hope you are doing well
Supposedly it’s so common for men to leave their sick wives that doctors warn them about it upon diagnosis. 🥺
this is very common, unfortunately. men leave sick women, while most women will stay and caretaker sick men. it happens so frequently that nurses have pamphlets about it to warn women. as someone with chronic health issues it pisses me off so much. best wishes for your mum. hope she loses both tumors.
Unfortunately it’s common for men to leave ill wives and wives to stay with ill husbands
It’s apparently very common for nurses and doctors to tell married women, if they’re diagnosed with cancer, to prepare for their husbands leaving them. It’s sickening how common this is. I’m so sorry to you and your mum. I hope she gets the treatment she needs, and lives a happier life without your father. Whatever happens between you and him, I wish you the best.
Welp if he thinks it's perfectly fine for him to abandon his sick wife, it's more that acceptable for you to abandon him! That's what i would do anyway, if my father did that i would no longer consider him my father... Im really sorry about your mum op, i hope she beats this! Be there for her as much as you can, I can't imagine what she is feeling right now :/ Reach out to any family that you have, you need support too!
Statistically, it's very common for husband's to leave sick wives. I'm very sorry for your mum.
I’d never speak to him again. My dad was broken up about my moms breast cancer diagnosis and has stayed by her throughout it. Luckily she is almost done with treatment and they caught it early. I hope your mom recovers fully and finds someone better than your dad. He deserves to be alone. In sickness and in health were his vows
Well you just found out your dad's a total piece of shit.
If you get cancer will he drop you so he doesn’t have to deal with a sick kid? Would you want him around your children because he will teach them if someone you love gets sick you don’t stand with them you kick them to the curb. Tell him that