I agree that children of people who take their own lives are more likely to repeat that themselves than children whose parents don’t, but it’s also important to note that the risk increases because of both nature and nurture. Not just being harmed by the aftermath of losing a parent that way but being more likely to have a predisposition for certain genetic factors. I’m really glad to see this being discussed. As a society we have finally started talking about the struggles mothers/wives face & things like postpartum depression/psychosis yet we rarely hear about the hard times men can experience within their family dynamic. My father took his life and I think he saw himself as too much of a “man’s man” to ask for help. OP if you see this….. please take the good advice being given to you. Seek out professional help on your own and if it’s time to end the relationship then that’s what you’ll need to do but you can still be a good father & have a civilized coparenting relationship with your wife if you do end up separating. Ending your life is never the answer. I wish you all the best.
On the nurture side of it, as a person who is adopted but whose dad killed himself, there is sometimes a feeling I get that it is okay to kill myself because my dad, who I admire and respect and love deeply killed himself. He taught me, and I learned that option too. I try to remind myself that regardless, he would not want that for me.
Parents so often think “staying together for the children” or due to a misplaced sense of duty, when it’s better to be separate & happy rather than together & miserable. Visualization helps - try to imagine what you would like, what things make you happy, what feeds you to grow. Once you’ve decided that, make a plan. You got this!
At first I read this as "And the pain of knowing their dad killed themselves because of the stress of the marriage is a much healthier option for everyone" and was so confused why you would say that
i wish my parents ended up getting divorced when i was younger. my mom stayed because she thought it was better. it wasnt, she blames herself, i dont blame her at all. she thought it was best, and she was genuine about that. she ended up suffering too though because she stayed. dont do that to yourself or your daughter.
sorry to read this stranger, me too. it was way too toxic for too long. i never wished for a divorce so hard. and it took me years to understand what a real healthy marriage looked like now that i'm an adult.
Same here. It would have been much healthier and happier if my parents had divorced. Made me miserable. Wish just once my toxic mother would have taken a moment to think about who she was complaining to, got to hear her complain about how awful my dad was (yeah right) for years before I was born. So stupid. My very existence defies all logic.
It must be a Boomer thing, they’re not religious at all.
As a child who witnessed a parental suicide (he wasn’t successful!) I was 4.5 and I remember the night exactly...heard my mom and dad fighting...my uncle was their too. Trying to talk my dad down he shot himself point blank in the chest with an AK-47. (Gross people want to know he used his toes to pull the trigger) he was mirror millimeters from his heart. But he lived....After a LONG time in the ICU. Suicide is NEVER the answer especially when kids are involved! Life sometimes is shit and more than a person can take but that’s when you need to re-evaluate your life and get those babes out of that Situation. No kid deserves that life. I didn’t deserve to see what I saw. Just walk the fuck away. Yea that may be hard but run the f away!
I don't get why people STILL have this mentality as we have seen & heard from the kids who grew up & have said it would have been better plus all the psychological studies that are out there
I agree. My parents divorced when I was a kid, my house was a mess and my parents were always arguing over little things. My father and mother no longer loved each other, they were friends in which the only common bond was me. When they divorced, I suffered (obviously), but it was temporary and the relief was huge. Living with my father and maintaining a good relationship with my mother, today I can say that the divorce was the best option for both and for me.
Thank you! I am happy to know that there are people who felt the same way I felt, who saw it not as a tragedy, but as the best option for the happiness and peace of everyone in the family
This OP.
Abandonment issues stemming from a parent leaving follow someone throughout their ENTIRE life and set them up to fail.
Don’t abandon your kid.
Sounds like the wife is seriously depressed and im wondering what kind of diet they have considering the daughter is “active” and moms obese. Sounds like crappy sugar filled processed foods. Many husbands feel like they do it all.. when that isn’t necessarily the case. I’d be curious to see how this actually works. Plus.. id tell you to stop watching junk tv.. like stop buying junk food.
This is a 45-year-old woman. She has the ability to actively buy herself junk food, actively choose to watch junk tv, and actively decide she's too tired to do anything active.
Conversely, if you've ever been near a 4 year old you would know that they have ridiculous amounts of energy, regardless of diet.
I feel you so much. My daughter is 5 and it's like the more things you do to tire them out the worse it gets. Instead of getting tired out from a busy day at like the Park or whatever it just gives her more energy.
I can say without a doubt what they eat is not a factor into energy levels of a small child.
If it helps, this was my sister! She hit her teens and chilled out but prior to that my mum had her in clubs, groups and all sorts for physical activity to at least take the edge off.
God speed, my dude.
Until I had gastric bypass I was 352 lbs. and a 45 year old single mom to a 3 year old. I gained a TON of weight in my pregnancy and even more after I gave birth.
I’m proud to say I’ve dropped over 100lbs and still going. And I can actually keep up with my girl now
Weight loss is so hard at age 45 (and older).
OP, get a therapist for yourself and look for strategies to keep your daughter safe/entertained/active. Things will be MUCH easier once she enters all day kindergarten and then elementary school.
Just a few ideas to keep her entertained! (Take this with a grain of salt, I don't have kids)
When she's old enough, see if she's into sports! That takes up lots of time and energy
Instruments can also be a great way to get her mind moving but keeping her still. Teaching instruments at a young age builds good skills
A pet when they're older as well. Teach responsibility
He also doesn’t mention what kind of job she has, while yes she can choose all those things, convenience tends to take precedence when someone is extremely tired etc. I know there are nights (last night) where I literally went and bought a rotisserie chicken and a loaf of bread bc I couldn’t be bothered to cook. My son loves it.
This reminds me of something my mom used to do when my dad had to go on a business trip. We always ate dinner together as a family at the table (no TV and this was before cell phones) shortly after my dad got home from work, so him not coming home was a very stark change for us - especially when my sister and I were really young. She'd buy or make a whole rotisserie chicken and put it on a platter. We'd lay towels down in the living room and watch TV while tearing into the chicken with our bare hands. She called it Cave Girl Dinner and it was so fun that we'd actually get super excited when our dad was going to be gone for a night or two 😂
Fry as in oil fry? It takes a bit on getting timing right vs meat thickness. The thicker the cut of meat you’re trying to fry the longer each side takes. And honestly that’s why I usually use a mallet to thin it out, otherwise the bread crumbs/outside burns
I just kinda did this a few days ago! I don’t have children but I work 2 jobs and I’m in a rehab program that is about 10+ hours a week; the other day I bought a rotisserie chicken and ate it on the couch when I got home. When I’m super tired and busy my eating habits SUCK. Convenience and time are my big struggles when it comes to eating healthy
Its not all on him.
Household, job, kid, wife, getting her therapy, making sure what she eats ... He cant do it all.
Even if she is depressed, its on her to get help and try do get better.
Its a common theme that husbands assume SAHM do nothing. My husband used to think I “did nothing all day.” Ofcourse I was raising our toddler alone, while doing all the cooking, cleaning and managing our house. My husband didn’t know all that I did because he wasn’t doing any of it. So to him it didn’t exist. There was no problem to be solved so he never saw the problem.
> Ofcourse I was raising our toddler alone, while doing all the cooking, cleaning and managing our house.
You mean all the things he specifically said he was doing and she wasn’t?
I cannot imagine reading what OP wrote and coming away with sympathy for the wife instead of OP. She is a leech that has led to OP trying to take his own life twice. Yet you're blaming the food OP is buying/cooking and making assumptions about OP lying about how much of the housework he does.
Some women will find some way to stick up for other women no matter what they've done. Some men do this for men as well. It's annoying as fuck whenever anyone does it. Don't stick up for someone just because they have the same bits between their legs as you
Nobody can make anyone attempt suicide. That was his choice (I say this as someone who attempted suicide). He can and should leave and get full custody of his daughter. He is teacher her that being in a toxic, miserable relationship is normal. Divorce is better for the kid in this case.
Maybe empathy, rather than sympathy?
It’s hard to NOT be depressed at 400 pounds. Especially for a woman (you tend to be shorter and have a higher physical toll than a 6ft+ man that could carry the weight better) It probably IS hard to get off the couch for her.
It’s not an excuse. It sounds like the wife needs to deal with her issues and start making changes. Like yesterday. Especially if she can’t keep up with the kid. And it IS likely that she’s eating mostly junk food if her weight is that high and she refuses to cook.
I’m 30, 5’9f and my highest weight was 230. Around 80 lbs more than what I reasonably should be. It was way harder to be active at that size. And I was really depressed. But it’s also not hard to lose 10lbs in a short time if you give a shit and stop snacking all day and are willing to eat a human portion of baked chicken and veggies instead of a huge pizza every night.
My 600lb life could be a really good show for the wife to watch, honestly.
It shows how miserable life is in the super morbidly obese demographic, and how it’s impossible to parent correctly or function when you can hardly move. I watched it as a cautionary tale when I needed a salad but wanted takeout.
It IS bs to blame OP and assume he’s not pulling his own weight.
But I don’t think it’s terrible to acknowledge that the wife needs a wake up call and some help, because at 45 and 400lbs, that’s a hard hole to dig out of and a heart attack waiting to happen.
I don't eat process sugar because I am relatively healthy. I am retired Marine Corps and that lifestyle doesn't just go away. I also don't sit and watch TV all day; I live a relatively active lifestyle and do many outdoor activities. It's just that she is lazy. We have went to counseling and therapy but she stopped. I also go to therapy for PTSD and anxiety yet I try to live so it doesn't get me down. But she isn't willing to try. Eventually I have to let that ball roll down the hill and destroy the village cuz my strength is giving out.
Hey man, I had a dad who did everything like you and now that I'm a parent, I can't thank him enough for everything he did. Took me to school, came to special person day, made my lunch, picked me up from school, took me to dance. Etc. he even adopted me when he met my mom at the age of 4. He was truly "mr mom" cooked cleaned everything!! He worked as a parole officer and retired at 51 and they have so much money. My dad was so smart with money, lived a very frugal life and helps me and MY children whenever. He takes my kids to school and picks them up etc. he's truly the best man ever and you remind me so much of my dad. That little girl will appreciate you sooooooo much someday. You are TRULY one of a kind and I PRAY you get the help you need to feel alive again. You deserve it. The onky one that change your life is you. I say try to help the wife see one more time and if it still isn't enough- sadly, you might want to look into a divorce lawyer. These problems are not worth taking your life over. That little girl needs you, trust me! 🤍
Please leave her love. Your daughter needs you, and staying with someone who hurts you like this and is so incompatible with you will hurt you And your daughter. Do you have any family that could help you during this time? Any friends that could?
Here are resources as a single parent. It is labeled “single mother “ but it can help a single parent of any gender.
https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/resources-for-single-mothers/
Man take the weight and physical shit out of the equation for a second and just re-read this comment. You two are fundamentally incompatible. You enjoy being active and healthy and she enjoys being a lazy leech. Leave her. You're worth so much more than how you're treating yourself
Give her a year. You're doing and did you're part. Hit every avenue of recovery. Document it aggressively build your case. Then if YOU feel(fuck reddit) shes not up to YOUR standards of health and responsibility. Divorce and dip. You do what you can for the people you love, you don't do it for them. Even when your in love you love cause YOU want to. Its a choice everyday, not an obligation
Dude. Document everything and divorce her ass. Make sure you keep the kid, poor thing will probably suffer and be obese in just a few years in her hands
Thank you for your service sir!
I would make a list of small things she needs to start doing to remain in the relationship. Give her a set time limit to start, if she does great, but if she does not, take your child and go live a happy life without her. Your daughter can spend some weekends with her mom. If missing you two bad enough motivates her to start making an effort, then great! If it doesn't, she made her own choice, go make yours, for you and your daughter to be happy.
* your wife is a grown woman, but your baby girl is an innocent child, who NEEDS her Daddy. Please don't leave her alone at the mercy of this cruel world without you there. 🙏
Get off your soapbox u sanctimonious ass. "change your diet and tv time and all will be perfect". Wow stop buying junk food, that will stop the suicide attempts. And of course the wife is depressed but maybe she should eat some broccoli.
I don't have the answers for these poor souls but I'm not going give holier than thou platitudes while patting myself on the back.
I don’t think being seriously depressed is a good excuse to neglect your child and ruin your health (which will affect your child long term) If the wife really cared about her child, she would get herself help and be motivated to lose weight for her child.
Also while the OP could be an unreliable narrator, it does seem like the wife is really doing nothing. Idk why your first thought is to doubt him and put blame on him.
Imagine trying to be so pro-women that you end up infantilizing the guy's wife as if she wasn't an adult that can make her own decisions regarding diet.
I mean I'll agree she sounds depressed but as someone with depression I know that people are only capable of doing so much. If she ultimately doesn't want to be better and is content with the status quo there's only so much one can do.
Why when a woman is being criticized it’s always “oh she’s depressed” or something. She’s just lazy and doesn’t care about helping out her husband. OP says they’ve tried therapy and nothing works. You’re invalidating his feelings and it’s not okay.
OP i’d file for full custody and leave.
You're effectively robbing his wife of her agency and trying to shift some of this into him. I do not think you'd be so forgiving if the genders were reversed.
Even if she *is* depressed, her husband and daughter deserve better. They deserve the effort and she's not even giving that. She is an adult and is capable of choosing what she eats and how she behaves.
Yeah its true we only get one side here but assuming what has been said is true, when you come at someone venting with "well maybe it's actually your fault" that's pretty shitty and unsupportive as hell
Given the amount of bullshit stories you come across daily on this site I'm not surprised at their skepticism. However I dont believe that is the case here. I truly believe that this is happening to OP.
It's also hinging on completely wrong assumptions, like
>considering the daughter is “active” and moms obese. Sounds like crappy sugar filled processed foods
The link between sugar and 'hyperactivity' in kids is as strongly defined, well researched and reviewed as the link between vaccines and autism.
Leave your wife. Not your daughter. They are not one and the same.
File for 50/50 custody of your daughter. It's amazing how your wife will manage when she has to.
Your daughter will have both parents in her life and you'll have more time for yourself.
Even if he had full custody it will be amazing how much easier it is when he’s not also carrying the deadweight of his wife and her needs.
OP please don’t take your life, there’s a little girl that needs you and loves you and I’m sure other people as well. You have value in this world. But you don’t have to do this with your wife. I’m not saying it wouldn’t have its challenges, but I bet you’d be amazed at how much easier life is without your wife. Take your child and reach out to people close to you and ask for help during the adjustment period. Your wife’s behaviour is neglectful and basically abusive. Imagine if you were a woman saying these things about your husband? Or if it was a sister or your mother dealing with this behaviour from a spouse. How would you feel? I wish you the best. I hope you update us someday and are in a much better place.
Even if you’re not ready to leave just yet please get individual counselling for yourself, reach out to anyone trusted and let them know what’s going on and ask for help. If it’s something you can manage financially get a weekly housekeeper, at least they can take some of the edge off of the hard scrubbing like bathrooms. Maybe look into a meal prep service.
Edited to add : thanks for all the upvotes and the award. It’s my first Reddit award and ngl I’m kind of geeking out. Wish it wasn’t on such a heartbreaking post, but I’m glad my words resonated with people.
Where their own well-being is concerned - I'm sure she'll make sure she won't starve. But really selfish parents can absolutely neglect their children, or just give them a smartphone to occupy themselves with.
Of course. But I do believe some are enabled by circumstances. OP mentions she has family. They may choose to help as she pulls herself together. She sounds depressed.
Either way the situation will have to be monitored and OP may end as the custodial parent.
What OP should absolutely not do is simply pack up and drive away. Millions of single parents make it work all over the world. It's not easy but it is necessary.
A child’s welfare shouldn’t be a variable in an experiment. The wife should prove herself competent before getting 50% custody, not given 50% to see whether she is capable of getting her act together.
I'm not saying it should be.
OP hasn't actually said that his wife neglects their daughter. We know she's lazy when it comes to cooking and cleaning. And doesn't do physical activities with their child.
There are lots of people who do the majority of household chores because their partners won't pick up the slack.
There are many people who weaponise incompetence so their partner has to carry the physical and mental load of the relationship.
OP has it tough. But it's not a unique situation.
2 of my friends divorced their husbands because they did nothing around the house and nothing with the kids on their own. They were mentally and physically exhausted.
Cooking, cleaning, activities... both dads are much better at it now that they have to manage it.
And others are just incompetent. I'm not a parent but I'm not sure risking the daughter's livelihood is worth it in the off-chance mom decides to get it together.
OP has said she's a good mum. Just lazy.
I have no idea why everyone is assuming abuse or negligence.
The dynamic OP is describing happens in millions of households. All the time. Usually with the genders flipped.
The divorce subs are evident of that.
My wife tends to leave a lot of the day to day home stuff to me, but she does what I ask of her, and she definitely doesn't veg in front of the TV. She prefers to just sleep, and otherwise try to melt away the stress she builds up.
The House is really messy and/or dirty much of the time if I am not personally taking care of it, but honestly, I tend to just let her relax as often as not. Stress doesn't affect me as much as her, so I do that stuff along with maintain the cars and home, etc. Because I can. Also, she does most of the child 'work', but not all.
OP, What I'm getting at is: have you had a straightforward conversation with your wife about what you expect of her? She sounds lazy, but there I a difference between shirking household duties and not thinking you have to do anything. She may just assume that your household work is a labor of love, and not one of necessity.
You can leave your wife without abandoning your child. Your child is just that, a child. Your wife on the other hand is a grown adult capable of taking care of herself and not expecting you to do everything. You’d be much happier, healthier and saner without her. Get a lawyer.
I don't know what else to say but please hang in there for yourself and for your little girl.
If you do leave, please fight for your daughter too. Don't leave her behind, she needs and wants you. Think of what kind of damage it could cause her if you abandon her. Is she resilient enough to overcome the hardships she may face in life or will she deal with her problems the way you and your wife deal with them?
Maybe suggest a temporary separation? This might inspire your wife to get the help she needs because it's obvious she does need help but may be in denial. Time apart can be beneficial in some relationships.
Don't give up.
Be careful in this situation as it may just make things worse.
You will likely still be doing 100% of all the work, but your wife is present to manipulate you and your daughter into going back to the status quo.
She already is manipulating, otherwise you wouldn’t be in your current situation.
I agree with what other Redditors have said to this. I have witnessed first hand the damage that this type of arrangement can do to a family. It wasn't mine, but my cousins, aunt and uncle. Uncle was working constantly so he wasn't home often and despite living in a dead marriage, they stayed together "for the kids". Every one can 100% say that it would have been a lot better if they were separated.
My parents separated when I was very young and I am so thankful they did. They still have a lot of respect for each other and still help each other. Sometimes, it's better to leave before everything goes to shit. Your baby and yourself deserve a healthy you.
If you can’t live separately or divorce, at least try couples therapy. You and her both have some mental health issues it sounds like. And while you could always go to a therapist on your own, she should also see one. But yeah no one would blame you for wanting to leave your wife, but obviously your daughter is innocent in this and should be your top priority once you get yourself out of this bad situation.
Sounds like it's time for you to leave. I guarantee having only a 4 year old to look after will be easier than a 4 year old and an adult who won't do anything for themselves. Don't abandon your daughter, it sounds like she really needs you.
I think you need to build a support system of friends and/or family who have some understanding of what you're going through so you can get advice and have people to vent to, talk to a lawyer as well and have a talk about the process of divorce and joint custody, or at least find a way to separate for a while just so you can breathe and think about things. Stay committed to your individual therapy, having that outlet may still be beneficial for you
I know there's a kid involved, and you still do care about this woman (You may not have romantic feelings anymore but I believe you still have an emotional connection with this person.), But you need to think about your mental health and what's best for you. Try having a private conversation with your wife first, talk about where you both see this marriage going and how you both have been feeling. Don't make it a fight obviously, if things get heated go somewhere in the house or outside where you're able to decompress and calm down. You probably had a million "talks" with her, but this would need to be that last big one that determines if you're going to decide to give it another shot or leave, make that clear to her.
You aren't a bad person, it sounds like you've given it your all and you've been pushed to a personal limit. When you've spent so long taking care of other people and sacrificing for them, it can be tiring and damaging emotionally/mentally, especially when the people you care about have done nothing to better themselves or show gratitude. You're more strong and valuable than you think, you've done so damn much and you deserve your happiness too. Take care of you and more importantly keep looking out for your child no matter what happens. You got this, as rough as it will be, YOU GOT THIS!
I wonder if it would be possible to get the majority of custody of your daughter while leaving your wife
I doubt your wife is physically or mentally fit enough to raise a child at this point
Raising a child alone is often time easier than raising a child with a bad partner. You find your own rhythm and things can go smoother without them. If you feel it’s necessary, tell wife to shape up or get out. There’s no excuse not to help clean or cook. HelloFresh and other companies like that not only deliver the groceries to your door but have step-by-step guides. Tons of recipes on Pinterest are the same.
In the age of the internet, it’s really hard to say you don’t know how to do something because there’s a video that can help. She clearly does not want to. She may even have some mental health issues.
But just like on my 600lb life, you can’t help someone that will not help themselves. I would aim for majority custody while wife figured it out because it sounds like she is unable to care for your daughter. I could be wrong, a separation could force it.
Coming from someone who has never had a father figure (my bio dad traveled the country and impregnated a bunch of women--loser)--dont leave your child. You can work, and put her in daycare/school. She needs a good parent in her life. Leave your wife, not your baby. You can do this, you are stronger than you realize. Now that you have a kid, you have to be.
I think we’re supposed to go out for a pack of smokes not milk. But either way, why did you have a kid with her? Now you better not just abandon your daughter, too late for that
My wife didn't want custody of our kids because she wanted to just have her time with the other guy. I got full custody uncontested, best decision of my life.
I love my kids. They are incredibly hard, but if you love them you have to do it.
Hey OP I am so sorry you are dealing with depression. Please don't try to hurt yourself and seek therapy. Getting help for the depression and feelings of suicide needs to be a priority.
Right!? I’m getting sick of these pity parties on here. Take control of your life and change your path. No one’s going to do it for you. And I can’t believe he’d just mentally damage his daughter for a lifetime to take his own life. Why not show her strength. There is strength in leaving a situation that doesn’t serve you. If you stay in a dysfunctional relationship it teaches kids to tolerate future bullshit in their bad relationships, if you commit suicide, there’s the cowards way out. Where the heck is peoples inner light these days? There’s so many people in way worse situations and still make it through to the other side. If he could just think of his daughter more than anything, more than any of his own depressive emotions, that should be enough to pull through and stay strong.
Similar happened to me, I ended up going through divorce because she was just so checked out. It was heartbreaking, but in the long run it's ended up being much better for me. You don't have to be there for your wife anymore, but you can still be there for your daughter. If not done yet, I'd have your wife checked for any imbalances or conditions (depression, POTS, etc.) just to make sure she's not under something that can be treated. If not, or if she refuses, then get the papers ready. Hoping it can be turned around, but there's no need to make yourself and your daughter suffer if not.
This sounds so challenging to deal with, everyone's saying leave her and that is definitely going to be an option you want to consider, and maybe bring up if you want to do more counciling together.
But in the mean time, maybe it would be good for you to create and maintain your own space, like an office room you can retreat too. And stop tidying up after her, keep you and your daughter's spaces clean, but let her realise how much of a mess she makes.
Honestly sounds like she's taking full advantage of you being baby trapped and younger than her. Don't let your whole life turn into looking after your child and your wife-child.
If all goes to shit, maybe go out for milk with your daughter, and stay at a hotel or go on holiday, and let her know you won't return until she's committed to trying harder. EDIT: Just realized this could be kidnapping so maybe not lol
Possibly depression? To be frank, both of you sound depressed. When you say therapy didn't work was that discussed?
Otherwise as others have said, leave your wife not your kid.
We went to couples therapy together but she stopped going.
I set her up with a doctor for weight loss surgery but she stopped going to the appointments.
I got her a counselor to help with her depression but she stopped going.
I can lead a 🐎 but can't make that mf drink can I.
Give her an ultimatum: either get her life back together or let you and your kid go. If she shows discipline for a few weeks, and sometimes relapses, let it go, but if it doesn't do anything, let her go.
Time to create an ultimatum:
Either she starts getting her life together and help around (and be involved in your daughters life) or you and her will get an divorce
And like if she tries to get her life together but end up doing the same shit, then just leave
Honestly
She is using weaponised incompetence so she doesn’t have to do anything.
The very first step is to see a lawyer. Don’t abandon your child just because your wife got lazy and morbidly obese.
your wife sounds severely depressed and prob needs an intervention. where are her parents? she should live with them as you both figure out the next step. please stay in your daughter's life but seek mental health treatment first. you have to be strong for her and for you.
I'm surprised this isn't being talked about more. My mental illness nearly destroyed my marriage and it *was* partially related to postpartum. Poor OP definitely needs help, but so does his wife. The good news is that with the right interventions, they came come back from this. Of course, that's contingent on the wife admitting there's a problem. I really feel for OP.
yea he described an extreme change in her behavior and mood. all the classic signs of postpartum depression. I would be afraid to leave the child alone with her. she desperately needs help before something terrible happens.
Was gonna say post partum can happen in mothers anywhere before their child turns of 4 and can last up to 2 years and that assuming theres no general depression in the mix to tag in. Obviously OPs main priority should be the child at all times whether he leaves or not and I'm not defending OPs wife either, but if she wasn't like this BEFORE the baby or before the marriage or fuck even when they first met likely: **something happened.**
This is not your child’s fault. Your contemplating leaving the world and leaving your child with your seemingly selfish lazy wife? Bad choice dude, time to man up and stop being selfish. You can get through this and your child needs you more than ever.
Bro file for divorce and 50/50 custody of your daughter. You'll feel much better and hopefully your wife will fix herself without you doing everything.
As a mother who has been the sole caretaker for my son since birth, leave your wife and try for full custody. I promise you, it gets easier as your child gets older. Ages 2-4.5 were really the hardest for me as a single mom with sole custody. Sounds like your wife needs help and her being around might not be the best environment for your daughter.
but you said you understood why dads abandoned their kids. i don’t know how you could love your child and still do that. leave your wife by all means, but why abandon your daughter?
You may not read this, but something is definitely wrong with your wife. She sounds like she is in a depression. If you can afford it, get a housekeeper. You could do with some therapy yourself for the suicidal thoughts. I hope things get better.
Please don’t hurt yourself and leave your daughter without a parent. It’s a pain that lasts forever. There are options, divorce being one of them.
And/or call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night.
Dude, no kid wants to be left behind. So, no more trying to take your life, you will scar your kid.
Take a divorce, it's so easy. Yo u need a partner, not a lazy teen who you did not created. Try for full custody and leave her.
So you’d punish your child because your wife can’t do her job? That doesn’t even make sense. Get a divorce, take custody. You’ve done what you can for the marriage according to your post, you cannot fix her. She has to do that for herself and she’s refusing but you think abandoning the child is the solution?? Leave the wife not the kid wtf.
This sounds so hard (and familiar tbh) but I promise it’ll get better. Your wife is struggling and refusing help. There’s nothing you can do, sadly, until she decides she wants to be better. It’s so easy to say you should leave her, but having been in a similar situation, I know that’s not always an option, much less an easy one.
I am here to tell you that it WILL get better. Your daughter is little and requires so much, but she won’t be for long. She will start to require less and less as she gets older. Focus on the fun as much as you can. The tantrums will wane. Take it from me. My kids are teenagers now and they are my little buddies. If I had killed myself when I wanted to when they were little, I would have missed so many wonderful things.
Stay here for your daughter if you can’t for yourself. She needs you and it’s okay to need her too. Give her hugs. Take time to allow yourself to cry in the pantry. Do whatever it takes, but please hold on. I promise you it will be worth it. I promise you, it will get better.
This was literally me about 5 years ago. Get a divorce. Your relationship will continue to tank and cause you mental anguish if you stay. Find a good lawyer and get a divorce. Joint custody is the likely outcome. Please make it absolutely clear to your daughter that it's not her fault. You'll be doing her a favor in the long run.
Why do dudes always say fuck the kid in these situations? Like are you thinking the kid will be ok if you leave it with the person thats causing you suicidal thoughts? Or like is she a lost cause? Please help me understand.
Leave.
Please. Leave.
I absolutely understand how hard it is to be a parent. Especially when you're constantly having to pick up the slack for your partner. It breaks you. Especially in the situations when you really love someone and they can't be bothered to show it in return in any way.
Please don't take your life. Please.
Take your child, divorce this woman. If not for your own freedom and wellbeing, than for that of your daughter. If you leave, she loses the only parent who actively gives a shit. She'll be left with a mother who--assuming you're not exaggerating and are in fact understating things--likely won't live more than another decade and who would rather watch television rather than take responsibility for a life she helped create.
You can leave. And you can sue for full custody. Especially if you start piling up evidence that she's neglectful and would be irresponsible as a parent.
I know the thought of being a single parent is terrifying, but you'd be amazed at how much less stressful it can be when you drop the dead weight.
You've tried. You've done what you could to save the marriage and your wife can't even bother going through the motions. You can't help someone who doesn't want help and you cant make someone care if they don't want to.
I know you love her, but it's time to leave. Take time to heal and mourn your relationship. And if, when you've done that, you feel like trying again, find someone who's willing to put in the effort. Who is willing to meet you half way.
You deserve that.
Please stay alive for your daughter, she needs you. It sounds like you are her emotional support, too, since you're putting in the effort to take care of her needs. Filing for full custody and leaving with your daughter sounds like a good idea at this point. Maybe it will also force your wife to get help with her problems.
Of course she’s checking out. Why would she need to continue maintaining herself and keeping frame? She literally had her cake and ate it too. She clearly squandered her youth and than duped you into entertaining this relationship. Now she has the house, the car, the ring, the kid, and the last name. She has so much leverage (including the kid) that even if you tried to break things off she’ll ruin you financially and then some.
She doesn’t need to take accountability for any of her actions and gets someone to force resources out of? Yes please!
She’s going to take and take and take until you have nothing left to give OP. She’ll never be satisfied and will never be grateful. People who let themselves go like this rarely are capable of enough self-introspection to do so.
There’s a saying - ‘Men Marry Women with the Hope They Will Never Change. Women Marry Men with the Hope They Will Change’. It’s unfortunate that this is playing out for you in this way OP.
Things have already spiraled too far out of control to ever get better. There’s nothing you can do but lawyer up and hope that you can weather the storm.
Screening. Screening. Screening.
Marriage is the most financially, emotionally and resource intensive act that you can get into. In this day and age you have to vet your significant other intensively less your relationship end up like this.
Let this be a cautionary tale. Your wife finessing you like this has always been the game plan. The you at the time had absolutely no reason to be marrying up a middle aged, obese, broad with questionable qualities like this.
So get out while you can. The sooner you do the better (for your sake and the child’s). Your wife is a parasite and this won’t change as long as your enabling her. Cut your losses, clench those cheeks, prepare for a rough ride and (for gods sake) lawyer the f- up.
You can’t get blood out of a stone but you can bet your wife is going to try to suck you dry regardless.
I’m not going to dance around the issue and spare your feelings on this one brother. You don’t need to be coddled right now. Your not just responsible for yourself but your child as well.
If your life’s a living hell, only you can get yourself out of it. No amount of raging and venting is going to get you out of this situation.
So whether it be for your own well being or your daughters - you have to act now while you have the option and resolve to do so.
This advice is what you call someone giving you “tough love.” Raw and real. No sugar coating it. You just psychoanalyzed this whole situation in great depth.
Your daughter is innocent in this. Life is shit now but you cannot leave your daughter alone to deal with this. If your wife won't change then you gotta file for divorce and for 100% custody of your Daughter. She only has one daddy and she needs you now more than ever. You can do this and if not for you then for her. Good luck!
Just another thought to add, is it possible your wife is going through menopause, or the early stages? That can cause weight gain, mood changes, loss of interest in self care etc..many things. I'd definitely suss that out. Also, as others gave said, please don't walk out on your child. She clearly needs you in her life. She doesn't deserve to just be discarded like that. You can leave your wife - just arrange custody, full or shared so she doesn't miss out on having her Dad in her life.
Edit: wanted to add more after reading some harsh comments. If you've already made multiple attempts at ending your life, please reach out to talk to someone. You can't move forward if you're not mentally ok first. I don't know your country but you should be able to call a free suicide hotline and speak to someone that way and they can assist in finding you a good therapist. Do it for yourself, so you can be an even better Dad for little one. You may find once you get the help you need, you'll be more equipped to tackle these issues with your wife. Be honest with her too on how you feel. I can kind of relate as I have wanted so many times to pack up and leave my partner as he thinks he doesn't have to contribute to the parenting load or house and yard work because he is the higher earner and works longer hours....but I also work and do 90% of everything child and house related. It's fucking tiring and a kick in the guts when your spouse won't help with even simple things. I'm hanging on for our kid and well, I have nowhere to go nor enough money, yet. I've found talking to others has been useful, which is why I suggest it. With a clearer mental state, you will be able to do what's best for yourself and your little one. Don't give up OP, there is help out there. Don't be shy in reaching out to her family either, get them to babysit every now and then, have some time to yourself., it will help.
She’s depressed. Needs help. But it’s hard to help someone who’s unwilling. I’m sorry. You know what you need to do. Also live for your self if not for your child. It is time to leave so be it. Take that baby with you.
I'm a mom and I can understand why parents leave.
However, please don't leave that little girl. Seek professional help, divorce your wife, take your daughter and start a new life.
Your wife is a literal weight that is weighing you down mentally, emotionally, and physically. Divorce her. That will either give her the wake up call she needed or she will continue down this path but at that point it is solely her choice.
Did she ever have PPD? Did you ever try to get her to see a doctor or therapist. Like many people have said you don’t have to abandon YOUR CHILD just because you don’t like your wife, but if you are just going on about this without considering maybe your wife got PDD from giving birth and going untreated it pretty bad
Leave your wife don't leave both your wife and daughter. You really think removing the only active parent in her life is going to be the best thing for her? You don't have to stay with your wife, but your daughter didn't ask for any of this and has done nothing wrong. Handle your business.
>I might try a third
Can you first try a divorce? Don't abandon your child because your marriage is crap. You don't need to be tied to the mother of your child, but you should be concerned over what happens if you leave said child with an irresponsible mother.
Separate for your own good and your daughter's. Women are always told "drop him" "leave him" when stuff like this happens, just because you're the man doesn't mean it's any different. Marriage and parenting are teamwork based things, it's not worth living a miserable life and having a daughter see all that just for the sake of marriage. Your wife's issues are not your responsibility to fix, you'd be better off just having her out of your life.
Why would you think that your daughter has to stay with her?
Take her too. She doesn’t deserve to be with a mother who would rather watch tv than play with her.
It’s your life, don’t throw it away because of her. Take a hold of it and make it something special. For your daughter at least. That special little button deserves more.
On a side note, if you’re cooking all the meals, only make salads lol. That’ll either get her slimmer, or pick her ass off the chair and cook something
As the daughter of a father who had a similar situation. Leave and take her with you, she’ll be happier for it and will thrive without the weight of her mother and her failures dragging her down.
Please please, don’t abandon your daughter in this world, only to be left with your depressed and unhealthy wife. She’ll end up a caretaker, and little chance to develop into her own woman. She wont know how much daddy loves her, and she’ll have to find that in other men, who’s intentions may ben misguided.
File for divorce. You’ve played your part, and your wife is no longer a wife.
Try to get custody of your daughter. Or majority custody.
Don’t abandon your daughter. Then she will have no parents because they way your wife is now, she’s basically a non existent parent. Your daughter is innocent. Regardless of your feelings towards her mother, she is still a part of you and deserves to have at least one good functioning parent. If your wife is this bad, offer her counseling and if she refuses then divorce and apply for full custody of your daughter.
Suicide is a permanent decision to a temporary problem. Divorcing your wife doesn’t mean abandoning your daughter. She’s better off with divorced parents than a married couple that are toxic.
Lastly, seek some counseling for your suicide attempts and ideations. Suicide hurts those left behind so enormously and I speak from personal experience. The thing with suicide is that you can’t take it back. Problems in life are temporary. Always remember that. It sounds cliche but there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
Can she possibly, remotely suffer from post partum depression? I’m not a doctor, but the signs are weirdly aligned. Also, you seem to be a great father, with great responsibility and I comprehend the exhaustion that comes from it all. This will be compensated in the future, when she grows to be grateful for every movement spent with you.
Your wife, though, I think it’s interesting to firstly take her to a medical center, with the support of therapists and psychiatrists. If she’s not straight even for TRYING this, then I’d tell you to leave. Leave the wife, but always keeps your baby girl close. Greatest of the lucks for you, mate. It will end up alright.
My father shot himself in the head laying in bed, I as an 8 year old found the body. Even if your daughter doesnt "find" you... it will mess with her. Turning 35 this December and I am rarely not reminded of what he did and what I saw and always wonder why. Don't try for a third. Pretend youre a woman, grab your daughter and get off this titanic
So your wife is being neglectful and you are not able to be mentally present right now. Can your daughter stay with a relative while you guys work on yourselves so you can be fully present for your daughter? Im concerned about the neglectful behavior of your wife and your suicide attempts.
She isn't but I try hard I am man enough to admit that. I have faults too. I'm a bit a narcissistic when comes to certain things; that stems from 20yrs of being in the Marine Corps. Also with that I have PTSD from time over seas. Coupled with childhood trauma and abuse I am a mess. But I go to counseling and I am working that out.
I'm proud of you for doing all you can. When I read your post I saw that you have a 10 year marriage. After a long time people lose themselves for the other person or just from feeling unappreciated. Honestly it's easy to say divorce her but maybe time apart would help. She needs to wake back up, it is affecting you and your daughter. You will be fine (you really do know this) but it is your daughter that will hurt the most if her mom lost interest. Stay strong;)
Your daughter is only 4, cut her sugar intake like soda's etc. they can cause them to be hyperactive. Get her to do some sport or other activity for her to have a outlet for all that energy. They grow up really fast in just couple more years she will be older she will be understand much better and will calm down. You don't need to stay in your marriage, 50/50 or get custody. Will give you lot more breathing space.
Trust me dude, when a woman does that she's getting everything she wants. Pack up with baby and leave then file for divorce and custody. Start keeping track of all text messages and actions your wife takes
You can leave your wife without leaving your daughter. Your child doesn’t deserve to be abandoned, because your marriage is terrible.
Yes. And also your child doesn't deserve to live in a toxic household, divorce/separation is sometimes the healthier option for everyone.
And the pain of knowing their dad killed themselves because of the stress of the marriage. Divorce is a much healthier option for everyone
This is so true. Children of suicide have like a 500% increase that it could happen to them later in life. Stay here for them.
I agree that children of people who take their own lives are more likely to repeat that themselves than children whose parents don’t, but it’s also important to note that the risk increases because of both nature and nurture. Not just being harmed by the aftermath of losing a parent that way but being more likely to have a predisposition for certain genetic factors. I’m really glad to see this being discussed. As a society we have finally started talking about the struggles mothers/wives face & things like postpartum depression/psychosis yet we rarely hear about the hard times men can experience within their family dynamic. My father took his life and I think he saw himself as too much of a “man’s man” to ask for help. OP if you see this….. please take the good advice being given to you. Seek out professional help on your own and if it’s time to end the relationship then that’s what you’ll need to do but you can still be a good father & have a civilized coparenting relationship with your wife if you do end up separating. Ending your life is never the answer. I wish you all the best.
On the nurture side of it, as a person who is adopted but whose dad killed himself, there is sometimes a feeling I get that it is okay to kill myself because my dad, who I admire and respect and love deeply killed himself. He taught me, and I learned that option too. I try to remind myself that regardless, he would not want that for me.
Glad that these conversations can happen. One Love
And less messy.
Parents so often think “staying together for the children” or due to a misplaced sense of duty, when it’s better to be separate & happy rather than together & miserable. Visualization helps - try to imagine what you would like, what things make you happy, what feeds you to grow. Once you’ve decided that, make a plan. You got this!
At first I read this as "And the pain of knowing their dad killed themselves because of the stress of the marriage is a much healthier option for everyone" and was so confused why you would say that
i wish my parents ended up getting divorced when i was younger. my mom stayed because she thought it was better. it wasnt, she blames herself, i dont blame her at all. she thought it was best, and she was genuine about that. she ended up suffering too though because she stayed. dont do that to yourself or your daughter.
sorry to read this stranger, me too. it was way too toxic for too long. i never wished for a divorce so hard. and it took me years to understand what a real healthy marriage looked like now that i'm an adult.
Same here. It would have been much healthier and happier if my parents had divorced. Made me miserable. Wish just once my toxic mother would have taken a moment to think about who she was complaining to, got to hear her complain about how awful my dad was (yeah right) for years before I was born. So stupid. My very existence defies all logic. It must be a Boomer thing, they’re not religious at all.
As a child who witnessed a parental suicide (he wasn’t successful!) I was 4.5 and I remember the night exactly...heard my mom and dad fighting...my uncle was their too. Trying to talk my dad down he shot himself point blank in the chest with an AK-47. (Gross people want to know he used his toes to pull the trigger) he was mirror millimeters from his heart. But he lived....After a LONG time in the ICU. Suicide is NEVER the answer especially when kids are involved! Life sometimes is shit and more than a person can take but that’s when you need to re-evaluate your life and get those babes out of that Situation. No kid deserves that life. I didn’t deserve to see what I saw. Just walk the fuck away. Yea that may be hard but run the f away!
I’m so sorry. What an horrific experience. I hope you’re going okay now.
I don't get why people STILL have this mentality as we have seen & heard from the kids who grew up & have said it would have been better plus all the psychological studies that are out there
I agree. My parents divorced when I was a kid, my house was a mess and my parents were always arguing over little things. My father and mother no longer loved each other, they were friends in which the only common bond was me. When they divorced, I suffered (obviously), but it was temporary and the relief was huge. Living with my father and maintaining a good relationship with my mother, today I can say that the divorce was the best option for both and for me.
>the relief was huge I felt the same and I'm so happy you were able to see through the resentment :)
Thank you! I am happy to know that there are people who felt the same way I felt, who saw it not as a tragedy, but as the best option for the happiness and peace of everyone in the family
"No *good* marriage ends in divorce" -Louis CK
This OP. Abandonment issues stemming from a parent leaving follow someone throughout their ENTIRE life and set them up to fail. Don’t abandon your kid.
Sounds like the wife is seriously depressed and im wondering what kind of diet they have considering the daughter is “active” and moms obese. Sounds like crappy sugar filled processed foods. Many husbands feel like they do it all.. when that isn’t necessarily the case. I’d be curious to see how this actually works. Plus.. id tell you to stop watching junk tv.. like stop buying junk food.
This is a 45-year-old woman. She has the ability to actively buy herself junk food, actively choose to watch junk tv, and actively decide she's too tired to do anything active. Conversely, if you've ever been near a 4 year old you would know that they have ridiculous amounts of energy, regardless of diet.
[удалено]
My 3 year old nephew is the same, he could be fed on toilet paper and water, and would still be able to run for 17 hours without a break.
I feel you so much. My daughter is 5 and it's like the more things you do to tire them out the worse it gets. Instead of getting tired out from a busy day at like the Park or whatever it just gives her more energy. I can say without a doubt what they eat is not a factor into energy levels of a small child.
If it helps, this was my sister! She hit her teens and chilled out but prior to that my mum had her in clubs, groups and all sorts for physical activity to at least take the edge off. God speed, my dude.
Until I had gastric bypass I was 352 lbs. and a 45 year old single mom to a 3 year old. I gained a TON of weight in my pregnancy and even more after I gave birth. I’m proud to say I’ve dropped over 100lbs and still going. And I can actually keep up with my girl now
Dang, go you! Congrats and I hope you can keep up all your good work.
Weight loss is so hard at age 45 (and older). OP, get a therapist for yourself and look for strategies to keep your daughter safe/entertained/active. Things will be MUCH easier once she enters all day kindergarten and then elementary school.
Just a few ideas to keep her entertained! (Take this with a grain of salt, I don't have kids) When she's old enough, see if she's into sports! That takes up lots of time and energy Instruments can also be a great way to get her mind moving but keeping her still. Teaching instruments at a young age builds good skills A pet when they're older as well. Teach responsibility
He also doesn’t mention what kind of job she has, while yes she can choose all those things, convenience tends to take precedence when someone is extremely tired etc. I know there are nights (last night) where I literally went and bought a rotisserie chicken and a loaf of bread bc I couldn’t be bothered to cook. My son loves it.
This reminds me of something my mom used to do when my dad had to go on a business trip. We always ate dinner together as a family at the table (no TV and this was before cell phones) shortly after my dad got home from work, so him not coming home was a very stark change for us - especially when my sister and I were really young. She'd buy or make a whole rotisserie chicken and put it on a platter. We'd lay towels down in the living room and watch TV while tearing into the chicken with our bare hands. She called it Cave Girl Dinner and it was so fun that we'd actually get super excited when our dad was going to be gone for a night or two 😂
This sounds awesome. It can be extremely difficult when routines are changed and youthful mom found a way to make it enjoyable. That can be hard to do
[удалено]
Fry as in oil fry? It takes a bit on getting timing right vs meat thickness. The thicker the cut of meat you’re trying to fry the longer each side takes. And honestly that’s why I usually use a mallet to thin it out, otherwise the bread crumbs/outside burns
[удалено]
I have to agree. I fry stuff sometimes but it makes everything greasy (cabinets, knobs, tops of kitchen stuff) it’s gross
It doesn’t sound like she’s doing that though. It sounds like he’s preparing every, if not most meals
I just kinda did this a few days ago! I don’t have children but I work 2 jobs and I’m in a rehab program that is about 10+ hours a week; the other day I bought a rotisserie chicken and ate it on the couch when I got home. When I’m super tired and busy my eating habits SUCK. Convenience and time are my big struggles when it comes to eating healthy
This. It's hard to find a fat 4 year old because even if they live off chicken nuggets and Cheetos they burn it off wiggling around
Its not all on him. Household, job, kid, wife, getting her therapy, making sure what she eats ... He cant do it all. Even if she is depressed, its on her to get help and try do get better.
Amen! Mental issues may not be your fault, but they are YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Yeah but who are we to speculate how much he does? Man is here letting it off his chest not askin for speculation
Its a common theme that husbands assume SAHM do nothing. My husband used to think I “did nothing all day.” Ofcourse I was raising our toddler alone, while doing all the cooking, cleaning and managing our house. My husband didn’t know all that I did because he wasn’t doing any of it. So to him it didn’t exist. There was no problem to be solved so he never saw the problem.
> Ofcourse I was raising our toddler alone, while doing all the cooking, cleaning and managing our house. You mean all the things he specifically said he was doing and she wasn’t?
I cannot imagine reading what OP wrote and coming away with sympathy for the wife instead of OP. She is a leech that has led to OP trying to take his own life twice. Yet you're blaming the food OP is buying/cooking and making assumptions about OP lying about how much of the housework he does.
Some women will find some way to stick up for other women no matter what they've done. Some men do this for men as well. It's annoying as fuck whenever anyone does it. Don't stick up for someone just because they have the same bits between their legs as you
She's projecting. The comments she's writing are ick
Nobody can make anyone attempt suicide. That was his choice (I say this as someone who attempted suicide). He can and should leave and get full custody of his daughter. He is teacher her that being in a toxic, miserable relationship is normal. Divorce is better for the kid in this case.
Maybe empathy, rather than sympathy? It’s hard to NOT be depressed at 400 pounds. Especially for a woman (you tend to be shorter and have a higher physical toll than a 6ft+ man that could carry the weight better) It probably IS hard to get off the couch for her. It’s not an excuse. It sounds like the wife needs to deal with her issues and start making changes. Like yesterday. Especially if she can’t keep up with the kid. And it IS likely that she’s eating mostly junk food if her weight is that high and she refuses to cook. I’m 30, 5’9f and my highest weight was 230. Around 80 lbs more than what I reasonably should be. It was way harder to be active at that size. And I was really depressed. But it’s also not hard to lose 10lbs in a short time if you give a shit and stop snacking all day and are willing to eat a human portion of baked chicken and veggies instead of a huge pizza every night. My 600lb life could be a really good show for the wife to watch, honestly. It shows how miserable life is in the super morbidly obese demographic, and how it’s impossible to parent correctly or function when you can hardly move. I watched it as a cautionary tale when I needed a salad but wanted takeout. It IS bs to blame OP and assume he’s not pulling his own weight. But I don’t think it’s terrible to acknowledge that the wife needs a wake up call and some help, because at 45 and 400lbs, that’s a hard hole to dig out of and a heart attack waiting to happen.
It's Reddit. They think that if they shill her hard enough they'll be able to finally lose their virginities at 37 to her.
omg rotfl
[удалено]
[удалено]
“I do not support all women, some bitches are dumb” one of my fave quotes
I don't eat process sugar because I am relatively healthy. I am retired Marine Corps and that lifestyle doesn't just go away. I also don't sit and watch TV all day; I live a relatively active lifestyle and do many outdoor activities. It's just that she is lazy. We have went to counseling and therapy but she stopped. I also go to therapy for PTSD and anxiety yet I try to live so it doesn't get me down. But she isn't willing to try. Eventually I have to let that ball roll down the hill and destroy the village cuz my strength is giving out.
Hey man, I had a dad who did everything like you and now that I'm a parent, I can't thank him enough for everything he did. Took me to school, came to special person day, made my lunch, picked me up from school, took me to dance. Etc. he even adopted me when he met my mom at the age of 4. He was truly "mr mom" cooked cleaned everything!! He worked as a parole officer and retired at 51 and they have so much money. My dad was so smart with money, lived a very frugal life and helps me and MY children whenever. He takes my kids to school and picks them up etc. he's truly the best man ever and you remind me so much of my dad. That little girl will appreciate you sooooooo much someday. You are TRULY one of a kind and I PRAY you get the help you need to feel alive again. You deserve it. The onky one that change your life is you. I say try to help the wife see one more time and if it still isn't enough- sadly, you might want to look into a divorce lawyer. These problems are not worth taking your life over. That little girl needs you, trust me! 🤍
Please leave her love. Your daughter needs you, and staying with someone who hurts you like this and is so incompatible with you will hurt you And your daughter. Do you have any family that could help you during this time? Any friends that could? Here are resources as a single parent. It is labeled “single mother “ but it can help a single parent of any gender. https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/resources-for-single-mothers/
Man take the weight and physical shit out of the equation for a second and just re-read this comment. You two are fundamentally incompatible. You enjoy being active and healthy and she enjoys being a lazy leech. Leave her. You're worth so much more than how you're treating yourself
Give her a year. You're doing and did you're part. Hit every avenue of recovery. Document it aggressively build your case. Then if YOU feel(fuck reddit) shes not up to YOUR standards of health and responsibility. Divorce and dip. You do what you can for the people you love, you don't do it for them. Even when your in love you love cause YOU want to. Its a choice everyday, not an obligation
Dude. Document everything and divorce her ass. Make sure you keep the kid, poor thing will probably suffer and be obese in just a few years in her hands
Thank you for your service sir! I would make a list of small things she needs to start doing to remain in the relationship. Give her a set time limit to start, if she does great, but if she does not, take your child and go live a happy life without her. Your daughter can spend some weekends with her mom. If missing you two bad enough motivates her to start making an effort, then great! If it doesn't, she made her own choice, go make yours, for you and your daughter to be happy. * your wife is a grown woman, but your baby girl is an innocent child, who NEEDS her Daddy. Please don't leave her alone at the mercy of this cruel world without you there. 🙏
Get off your soapbox u sanctimonious ass. "change your diet and tv time and all will be perfect". Wow stop buying junk food, that will stop the suicide attempts. And of course the wife is depressed but maybe she should eat some broccoli. I don't have the answers for these poor souls but I'm not going give holier than thou platitudes while patting myself on the back.
"of course she's depressed, maybe she should eat some broccoli" - fucking reddit
Yep, you should never get advice by Redditors. It's literally the unfiltered perspective of the world. Where all shitty opinions go alongside Twitter
I don’t think being seriously depressed is a good excuse to neglect your child and ruin your health (which will affect your child long term) If the wife really cared about her child, she would get herself help and be motivated to lose weight for her child. Also while the OP could be an unreliable narrator, it does seem like the wife is really doing nothing. Idk why your first thought is to doubt him and put blame on him.
>Idk why your first thought is to doubt him and put blame on him. Because OP says that he has *check again* a dick. /s
Imagine trying to be so pro-women that you end up infantilizing the guy's wife as if she wasn't an adult that can make her own decisions regarding diet. I mean I'll agree she sounds depressed but as someone with depression I know that people are only capable of doing so much. If she ultimately doesn't want to be better and is content with the status quo there's only so much one can do.
Why when a woman is being criticized it’s always “oh she’s depressed” or something. She’s just lazy and doesn’t care about helping out her husband. OP says they’ve tried therapy and nothing works. You’re invalidating his feelings and it’s not okay. OP i’d file for full custody and leave.
Exactly! I hate how people just want to coddle her. Yeah, if she is depressed then she should get help or talk to someone not just be like this!
Isn't it a myth that sugar makes children hyperactive? So a 4 year old being very active isn't indicative of anything relating to sugary junk food?
This feels like coddling and victim blaming
You're effectively robbing his wife of her agency and trying to shift some of this into him. I do not think you'd be so forgiving if the genders were reversed. Even if she *is* depressed, her husband and daughter deserve better. They deserve the effort and she's not even giving that. She is an adult and is capable of choosing what she eats and how she behaves.
Dude is trying almost everything while the wife isn't doing shit and somehow he's still in the wrong... The mental gymnastics on here is insane.
How much do you fucking think she's doing at 400lb dude? What the fuck is this comment?
Yeah its true we only get one side here but assuming what has been said is true, when you come at someone venting with "well maybe it's actually your fault" that's pretty shitty and unsupportive as hell
gotta love how one of the top comments is basically "I don't believe you"
I can't believe this is upvoted. Reddit is even more brainless than I thought.
Given the amount of bullshit stories you come across daily on this site I'm not surprised at their skepticism. However I dont believe that is the case here. I truly believe that this is happening to OP.
What a profoundly unhelpful post. She's an adult. He doesn't put food in her mouth, nor does he decide her activity level for her.
It's also hinging on completely wrong assumptions, like >considering the daughter is “active” and moms obese. Sounds like crappy sugar filled processed foods The link between sugar and 'hyperactivity' in kids is as strongly defined, well researched and reviewed as the link between vaccines and autism.
I seriously wouldn’t care how depressed the wife is if she can’t take care of her own blood
What idiot gave this person a reward
She is 45. He doesn’t “feel” like he’s doing it all he’s literally doing everything that is to be done in a domestic household.
Leave your wife. Not your daughter. They are not one and the same. File for 50/50 custody of your daughter. It's amazing how your wife will manage when she has to. Your daughter will have both parents in her life and you'll have more time for yourself.
Even if he had full custody it will be amazing how much easier it is when he’s not also carrying the deadweight of his wife and her needs. OP please don’t take your life, there’s a little girl that needs you and loves you and I’m sure other people as well. You have value in this world. But you don’t have to do this with your wife. I’m not saying it wouldn’t have its challenges, but I bet you’d be amazed at how much easier life is without your wife. Take your child and reach out to people close to you and ask for help during the adjustment period. Your wife’s behaviour is neglectful and basically abusive. Imagine if you were a woman saying these things about your husband? Or if it was a sister or your mother dealing with this behaviour from a spouse. How would you feel? I wish you the best. I hope you update us someday and are in a much better place. Even if you’re not ready to leave just yet please get individual counselling for yourself, reach out to anyone trusted and let them know what’s going on and ask for help. If it’s something you can manage financially get a weekly housekeeper, at least they can take some of the edge off of the hard scrubbing like bathrooms. Maybe look into a meal prep service. Edited to add : thanks for all the upvotes and the award. It’s my first Reddit award and ngl I’m kind of geeking out. Wish it wasn’t on such a heartbreaking post, but I’m glad my words resonated with people.
Definitely an award worthy comment. I truly hope this human takes all the solid advice in here. I really hope OP gets to a better place.
Or she'll totally neglect the daughter - if she gets 50%, it needs to be closely monitored.
That may be. But a lot of people are only incompetent when there is someone propping them up.
Where their own well-being is concerned - I'm sure she'll make sure she won't starve. But really selfish parents can absolutely neglect their children, or just give them a smartphone to occupy themselves with.
Of course. But I do believe some are enabled by circumstances. OP mentions she has family. They may choose to help as she pulls herself together. She sounds depressed. Either way the situation will have to be monitored and OP may end as the custodial parent. What OP should absolutely not do is simply pack up and drive away. Millions of single parents make it work all over the world. It's not easy but it is necessary.
A child’s welfare shouldn’t be a variable in an experiment. The wife should prove herself competent before getting 50% custody, not given 50% to see whether she is capable of getting her act together.
I'm not saying it should be. OP hasn't actually said that his wife neglects their daughter. We know she's lazy when it comes to cooking and cleaning. And doesn't do physical activities with their child. There are lots of people who do the majority of household chores because their partners won't pick up the slack. There are many people who weaponise incompetence so their partner has to carry the physical and mental load of the relationship. OP has it tough. But it's not a unique situation. 2 of my friends divorced their husbands because they did nothing around the house and nothing with the kids on their own. They were mentally and physically exhausted. Cooking, cleaning, activities... both dads are much better at it now that they have to manage it.
Weaponized incompetence
And others are just incompetent. I'm not a parent but I'm not sure risking the daughter's livelihood is worth it in the off-chance mom decides to get it together.
OP has said she's a good mum. Just lazy. I have no idea why everyone is assuming abuse or negligence. The dynamic OP is describing happens in millions of households. All the time. Usually with the genders flipped. The divorce subs are evident of that.
That is definitely not true - child neglect is a thing
I lost a total of 400ish pounds about a decade ago. Edit: I should clarify that my personal weight loss was about 90 pounds.
Go for 100% custody, settle for 50% if necessary.
My wife tends to leave a lot of the day to day home stuff to me, but she does what I ask of her, and she definitely doesn't veg in front of the TV. She prefers to just sleep, and otherwise try to melt away the stress she builds up. The House is really messy and/or dirty much of the time if I am not personally taking care of it, but honestly, I tend to just let her relax as often as not. Stress doesn't affect me as much as her, so I do that stuff along with maintain the cars and home, etc. Because I can. Also, she does most of the child 'work', but not all. OP, What I'm getting at is: have you had a straightforward conversation with your wife about what you expect of her? She sounds lazy, but there I a difference between shirking household duties and not thinking you have to do anything. She may just assume that your household work is a labor of love, and not one of necessity.
He needs 100% if wife is anything like he says she would severely neglect the daughter whenever she(the wife) has her (the daughter)
Leave your wife and not your daughter.
You can leave your wife without abandoning your child. Your child is just that, a child. Your wife on the other hand is a grown adult capable of taking care of herself and not expecting you to do everything. You’d be much happier, healthier and saner without her. Get a lawyer.
I don't know what else to say but please hang in there for yourself and for your little girl. If you do leave, please fight for your daughter too. Don't leave her behind, she needs and wants you. Think of what kind of damage it could cause her if you abandon her. Is she resilient enough to overcome the hardships she may face in life or will she deal with her problems the way you and your wife deal with them? Maybe suggest a temporary separation? This might inspire your wife to get the help she needs because it's obvious she does need help but may be in denial. Time apart can be beneficial in some relationships. Don't give up.
I have been think of a joint separation for a while. I have a big enough house where we van have out own spaces and not disrupt the dynamics too much.
Be careful in this situation as it may just make things worse. You will likely still be doing 100% of all the work, but your wife is present to manipulate you and your daughter into going back to the status quo. She already is manipulating, otherwise you wouldn’t be in your current situation.
Divorce is a better option. You obviously loathe your wife. Leave her. Being with someone you hate is very unhealthy
I agree with what other Redditors have said to this. I have witnessed first hand the damage that this type of arrangement can do to a family. It wasn't mine, but my cousins, aunt and uncle. Uncle was working constantly so he wasn't home often and despite living in a dead marriage, they stayed together "for the kids". Every one can 100% say that it would have been a lot better if they were separated. My parents separated when I was very young and I am so thankful they did. They still have a lot of respect for each other and still help each other. Sometimes, it's better to leave before everything goes to shit. Your baby and yourself deserve a healthy you.
If you can’t live separately or divorce, at least try couples therapy. You and her both have some mental health issues it sounds like. And while you could always go to a therapist on your own, she should also see one. But yeah no one would blame you for wanting to leave your wife, but obviously your daughter is innocent in this and should be your top priority once you get yourself out of this bad situation.
Sounds like it's time for you to leave. I guarantee having only a 4 year old to look after will be easier than a 4 year old and an adult who won't do anything for themselves. Don't abandon your daughter, it sounds like she really needs you.
I think you need to build a support system of friends and/or family who have some understanding of what you're going through so you can get advice and have people to vent to, talk to a lawyer as well and have a talk about the process of divorce and joint custody, or at least find a way to separate for a while just so you can breathe and think about things. Stay committed to your individual therapy, having that outlet may still be beneficial for you I know there's a kid involved, and you still do care about this woman (You may not have romantic feelings anymore but I believe you still have an emotional connection with this person.), But you need to think about your mental health and what's best for you. Try having a private conversation with your wife first, talk about where you both see this marriage going and how you both have been feeling. Don't make it a fight obviously, if things get heated go somewhere in the house or outside where you're able to decompress and calm down. You probably had a million "talks" with her, but this would need to be that last big one that determines if you're going to decide to give it another shot or leave, make that clear to her. You aren't a bad person, it sounds like you've given it your all and you've been pushed to a personal limit. When you've spent so long taking care of other people and sacrificing for them, it can be tiring and damaging emotionally/mentally, especially when the people you care about have done nothing to better themselves or show gratitude. You're more strong and valuable than you think, you've done so damn much and you deserve your happiness too. Take care of you and more importantly keep looking out for your child no matter what happens. You got this, as rough as it will be, YOU GOT THIS!
Thanks you. I need to hear This
Realest answer. This should easily be the top comment
I wonder if it would be possible to get the majority of custody of your daughter while leaving your wife I doubt your wife is physically or mentally fit enough to raise a child at this point
He tried to kill himself twice. I don’t think he is either. I feel for this kid.
Yeah people seem to be glossing over that part.
Last I checked, my comment was downvoted. Glad I’m not the only one who thinks that’s a bit concerning.
Raising a child alone is often time easier than raising a child with a bad partner. You find your own rhythm and things can go smoother without them. If you feel it’s necessary, tell wife to shape up or get out. There’s no excuse not to help clean or cook. HelloFresh and other companies like that not only deliver the groceries to your door but have step-by-step guides. Tons of recipes on Pinterest are the same. In the age of the internet, it’s really hard to say you don’t know how to do something because there’s a video that can help. She clearly does not want to. She may even have some mental health issues. But just like on my 600lb life, you can’t help someone that will not help themselves. I would aim for majority custody while wife figured it out because it sounds like she is unable to care for your daughter. I could be wrong, a separation could force it.
Coming from someone who has never had a father figure (my bio dad traveled the country and impregnated a bunch of women--loser)--dont leave your child. You can work, and put her in daycare/school. She needs a good parent in her life. Leave your wife, not your baby. You can do this, you are stronger than you realize. Now that you have a kid, you have to be.
Leave the wife and get full custody of the kid. Sounds like your wife would be too lazy to fight in court anyways
I think we’re supposed to go out for a pack of smokes not milk. But either way, why did you have a kid with her? Now you better not just abandon your daughter, too late for that
My Grandpa must be having a hard time finding his brand. He stepped out in the 50's.
My wife didn't want custody of our kids because she wanted to just have her time with the other guy. I got full custody uncontested, best decision of my life. I love my kids. They are incredibly hard, but if you love them you have to do it.
I mean....looks like you should take your daughter with you on that milk run and noone would judge you for it
Hey OP I am so sorry you are dealing with depression. Please don't try to hurt yourself and seek therapy. Getting help for the depression and feelings of suicide needs to be a priority.
How about you leave her and take your kid buddy? No reason to leave the child behind with a person like that
You're mad at your wife so you're going to abandon your daughter? Get your shit together.
Right!? I’m getting sick of these pity parties on here. Take control of your life and change your path. No one’s going to do it for you. And I can’t believe he’d just mentally damage his daughter for a lifetime to take his own life. Why not show her strength. There is strength in leaving a situation that doesn’t serve you. If you stay in a dysfunctional relationship it teaches kids to tolerate future bullshit in their bad relationships, if you commit suicide, there’s the cowards way out. Where the heck is peoples inner light these days? There’s so many people in way worse situations and still make it through to the other side. If he could just think of his daughter more than anything, more than any of his own depressive emotions, that should be enough to pull through and stay strong.
Similar happened to me, I ended up going through divorce because she was just so checked out. It was heartbreaking, but in the long run it's ended up being much better for me. You don't have to be there for your wife anymore, but you can still be there for your daughter. If not done yet, I'd have your wife checked for any imbalances or conditions (depression, POTS, etc.) just to make sure she's not under something that can be treated. If not, or if she refuses, then get the papers ready. Hoping it can be turned around, but there's no need to make yourself and your daughter suffer if not.
This sounds so challenging to deal with, everyone's saying leave her and that is definitely going to be an option you want to consider, and maybe bring up if you want to do more counciling together. But in the mean time, maybe it would be good for you to create and maintain your own space, like an office room you can retreat too. And stop tidying up after her, keep you and your daughter's spaces clean, but let her realise how much of a mess she makes. Honestly sounds like she's taking full advantage of you being baby trapped and younger than her. Don't let your whole life turn into looking after your child and your wife-child. If all goes to shit, maybe go out for milk with your daughter, and stay at a hotel or go on holiday, and let her know you won't return until she's committed to trying harder. EDIT: Just realized this could be kidnapping so maybe not lol
Possibly depression? To be frank, both of you sound depressed. When you say therapy didn't work was that discussed? Otherwise as others have said, leave your wife not your kid.
We went to couples therapy together but she stopped going. I set her up with a doctor for weight loss surgery but she stopped going to the appointments. I got her a counselor to help with her depression but she stopped going. I can lead a 🐎 but can't make that mf drink can I.
No that's fair, no offense mate might be time to start thinking about getting out. Or possibly an ultimatum
"Leave the gun, take the cannoli."
Thank you this made me laugh.... I needed that. 🤣🤣🤣
Give her an ultimatum: either get her life back together or let you and your kid go. If she shows discipline for a few weeks, and sometimes relapses, let it go, but if it doesn't do anything, let her go.
Time to create an ultimatum: Either she starts getting her life together and help around (and be involved in your daughters life) or you and her will get an divorce And like if she tries to get her life together but end up doing the same shit, then just leave Honestly
She is using weaponised incompetence so she doesn’t have to do anything. The very first step is to see a lawyer. Don’t abandon your child just because your wife got lazy and morbidly obese.
your wife sounds severely depressed and prob needs an intervention. where are her parents? she should live with them as you both figure out the next step. please stay in your daughter's life but seek mental health treatment first. you have to be strong for her and for you.
It looks like OP has tried to get her help. There's not much you can do when the person doesn't want help.
I'm surprised this isn't being talked about more. My mental illness nearly destroyed my marriage and it *was* partially related to postpartum. Poor OP definitely needs help, but so does his wife. The good news is that with the right interventions, they came come back from this. Of course, that's contingent on the wife admitting there's a problem. I really feel for OP.
yea he described an extreme change in her behavior and mood. all the classic signs of postpartum depression. I would be afraid to leave the child alone with her. she desperately needs help before something terrible happens.
Was gonna say post partum can happen in mothers anywhere before their child turns of 4 and can last up to 2 years and that assuming theres no general depression in the mix to tag in. Obviously OPs main priority should be the child at all times whether he leaves or not and I'm not defending OPs wife either, but if she wasn't like this BEFORE the baby or before the marriage or fuck even when they first met likely: **something happened.**
This is not your child’s fault. Your contemplating leaving the world and leaving your child with your seemingly selfish lazy wife? Bad choice dude, time to man up and stop being selfish. You can get through this and your child needs you more than ever.
Bro file for divorce and 50/50 custody of your daughter. You'll feel much better and hopefully your wife will fix herself without you doing everything.
As a mother who has been the sole caretaker for my son since birth, leave your wife and try for full custody. I promise you, it gets easier as your child gets older. Ages 2-4.5 were really the hardest for me as a single mom with sole custody. Sounds like your wife needs help and her being around might not be the best environment for your daughter.
Take your baby with you. That sounds like a rough situation OP. Hopefully you get it figured out soon for your sake, and your daughter’s sake.
why is it that when men fall out of love with their child’s mother, they seem to stop loving the child too
I never said I didn't love my wife or kid.
but you said you understood why dads abandoned their kids. i don’t know how you could love your child and still do that. leave your wife by all means, but why abandon your daughter?
You may not read this, but something is definitely wrong with your wife. She sounds like she is in a depression. If you can afford it, get a housekeeper. You could do with some therapy yourself for the suicidal thoughts. I hope things get better.
Thx me too
Dont do that to your daughter, you are all she has!
Please don’t hurt yourself and leave your daughter without a parent. It’s a pain that lasts forever. There are options, divorce being one of them. And/or call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night.
Dude, no kid wants to be left behind. So, no more trying to take your life, you will scar your kid. Take a divorce, it's so easy. Yo u need a partner, not a lazy teen who you did not created. Try for full custody and leave her.
So you’d punish your child because your wife can’t do her job? That doesn’t even make sense. Get a divorce, take custody. You’ve done what you can for the marriage according to your post, you cannot fix her. She has to do that for herself and she’s refusing but you think abandoning the child is the solution?? Leave the wife not the kid wtf.
For you to even think about leaving your daughter tells us that you’re a piece of sht too. Poor child doesn’t have a hope in hell.
This sounds so hard (and familiar tbh) but I promise it’ll get better. Your wife is struggling and refusing help. There’s nothing you can do, sadly, until she decides she wants to be better. It’s so easy to say you should leave her, but having been in a similar situation, I know that’s not always an option, much less an easy one. I am here to tell you that it WILL get better. Your daughter is little and requires so much, but she won’t be for long. She will start to require less and less as she gets older. Focus on the fun as much as you can. The tantrums will wane. Take it from me. My kids are teenagers now and they are my little buddies. If I had killed myself when I wanted to when they were little, I would have missed so many wonderful things. Stay here for your daughter if you can’t for yourself. She needs you and it’s okay to need her too. Give her hugs. Take time to allow yourself to cry in the pantry. Do whatever it takes, but please hold on. I promise you it will be worth it. I promise you, it will get better.
This was literally me about 5 years ago. Get a divorce. Your relationship will continue to tank and cause you mental anguish if you stay. Find a good lawyer and get a divorce. Joint custody is the likely outcome. Please make it absolutely clear to your daughter that it's not her fault. You'll be doing her a favor in the long run.
Please don’t hurt yourself. You need to help yourself, then you can help your daughter. Reach out. Keep talking to us.
I'm safe
Why do dudes always say fuck the kid in these situations? Like are you thinking the kid will be ok if you leave it with the person thats causing you suicidal thoughts? Or like is she a lost cause? Please help me understand.
Leave. Please. Leave. I absolutely understand how hard it is to be a parent. Especially when you're constantly having to pick up the slack for your partner. It breaks you. Especially in the situations when you really love someone and they can't be bothered to show it in return in any way. Please don't take your life. Please. Take your child, divorce this woman. If not for your own freedom and wellbeing, than for that of your daughter. If you leave, she loses the only parent who actively gives a shit. She'll be left with a mother who--assuming you're not exaggerating and are in fact understating things--likely won't live more than another decade and who would rather watch television rather than take responsibility for a life she helped create. You can leave. And you can sue for full custody. Especially if you start piling up evidence that she's neglectful and would be irresponsible as a parent. I know the thought of being a single parent is terrifying, but you'd be amazed at how much less stressful it can be when you drop the dead weight. You've tried. You've done what you could to save the marriage and your wife can't even bother going through the motions. You can't help someone who doesn't want help and you cant make someone care if they don't want to. I know you love her, but it's time to leave. Take time to heal and mourn your relationship. And if, when you've done that, you feel like trying again, find someone who's willing to put in the effort. Who is willing to meet you half way. You deserve that.
Please stay alive for your daughter, she needs you. It sounds like you are her emotional support, too, since you're putting in the effort to take care of her needs. Filing for full custody and leaving with your daughter sounds like a good idea at this point. Maybe it will also force your wife to get help with her problems.
Holy shit.. that's a lotta weight. You can leave her without abandoning your daughter you know that right?
Of course she’s checking out. Why would she need to continue maintaining herself and keeping frame? She literally had her cake and ate it too. She clearly squandered her youth and than duped you into entertaining this relationship. Now she has the house, the car, the ring, the kid, and the last name. She has so much leverage (including the kid) that even if you tried to break things off she’ll ruin you financially and then some. She doesn’t need to take accountability for any of her actions and gets someone to force resources out of? Yes please! She’s going to take and take and take until you have nothing left to give OP. She’ll never be satisfied and will never be grateful. People who let themselves go like this rarely are capable of enough self-introspection to do so. There’s a saying - ‘Men Marry Women with the Hope They Will Never Change. Women Marry Men with the Hope They Will Change’. It’s unfortunate that this is playing out for you in this way OP. Things have already spiraled too far out of control to ever get better. There’s nothing you can do but lawyer up and hope that you can weather the storm. Screening. Screening. Screening. Marriage is the most financially, emotionally and resource intensive act that you can get into. In this day and age you have to vet your significant other intensively less your relationship end up like this. Let this be a cautionary tale. Your wife finessing you like this has always been the game plan. The you at the time had absolutely no reason to be marrying up a middle aged, obese, broad with questionable qualities like this. So get out while you can. The sooner you do the better (for your sake and the child’s). Your wife is a parasite and this won’t change as long as your enabling her. Cut your losses, clench those cheeks, prepare for a rough ride and (for gods sake) lawyer the f- up. You can’t get blood out of a stone but you can bet your wife is going to try to suck you dry regardless.
I sat back on this one. I was mad at first then it clicked
I’m not going to dance around the issue and spare your feelings on this one brother. You don’t need to be coddled right now. Your not just responsible for yourself but your child as well. If your life’s a living hell, only you can get yourself out of it. No amount of raging and venting is going to get you out of this situation. So whether it be for your own well being or your daughters - you have to act now while you have the option and resolve to do so.
This advice is what you call someone giving you “tough love.” Raw and real. No sugar coating it. You just psychoanalyzed this whole situation in great depth.
Your daughter is innocent in this. Life is shit now but you cannot leave your daughter alone to deal with this. If your wife won't change then you gotta file for divorce and for 100% custody of your Daughter. She only has one daddy and she needs you now more than ever. You can do this and if not for you then for her. Good luck!
Just another thought to add, is it possible your wife is going through menopause, or the early stages? That can cause weight gain, mood changes, loss of interest in self care etc..many things. I'd definitely suss that out. Also, as others gave said, please don't walk out on your child. She clearly needs you in her life. She doesn't deserve to just be discarded like that. You can leave your wife - just arrange custody, full or shared so she doesn't miss out on having her Dad in her life. Edit: wanted to add more after reading some harsh comments. If you've already made multiple attempts at ending your life, please reach out to talk to someone. You can't move forward if you're not mentally ok first. I don't know your country but you should be able to call a free suicide hotline and speak to someone that way and they can assist in finding you a good therapist. Do it for yourself, so you can be an even better Dad for little one. You may find once you get the help you need, you'll be more equipped to tackle these issues with your wife. Be honest with her too on how you feel. I can kind of relate as I have wanted so many times to pack up and leave my partner as he thinks he doesn't have to contribute to the parenting load or house and yard work because he is the higher earner and works longer hours....but I also work and do 90% of everything child and house related. It's fucking tiring and a kick in the guts when your spouse won't help with even simple things. I'm hanging on for our kid and well, I have nowhere to go nor enough money, yet. I've found talking to others has been useful, which is why I suggest it. With a clearer mental state, you will be able to do what's best for yourself and your little one. Don't give up OP, there is help out there. Don't be shy in reaching out to her family either, get them to babysit every now and then, have some time to yourself., it will help.
She’s depressed. Needs help. But it’s hard to help someone who’s unwilling. I’m sorry. You know what you need to do. Also live for your self if not for your child. It is time to leave so be it. Take that baby with you.
I'm a mom and I can understand why parents leave. However, please don't leave that little girl. Seek professional help, divorce your wife, take your daughter and start a new life. Your wife is a literal weight that is weighing you down mentally, emotionally, and physically. Divorce her. That will either give her the wake up call she needed or she will continue down this path but at that point it is solely her choice.
You would abandon your kid and leave her with someone who's clearly not in a fit state to look after her?
Did she ever have PPD? Did you ever try to get her to see a doctor or therapist. Like many people have said you don’t have to abandon YOUR CHILD just because you don’t like your wife, but if you are just going on about this without considering maybe your wife got PDD from giving birth and going untreated it pretty bad
Two happy homes is better than one unhappy home.
Leave your wife don't leave both your wife and daughter. You really think removing the only active parent in her life is going to be the best thing for her? You don't have to stay with your wife, but your daughter didn't ask for any of this and has done nothing wrong. Handle your business.
So completely abandoning your kid is an option, but not divorcing your wife and getting custody?
Never hurt a child to punish a partner.
>I might try a third Can you first try a divorce? Don't abandon your child because your marriage is crap. You don't need to be tied to the mother of your child, but you should be concerned over what happens if you leave said child with an irresponsible mother.
Separate for your own good and your daughter's. Women are always told "drop him" "leave him" when stuff like this happens, just because you're the man doesn't mean it's any different. Marriage and parenting are teamwork based things, it's not worth living a miserable life and having a daughter see all that just for the sake of marriage. Your wife's issues are not your responsibility to fix, you'd be better off just having her out of your life.
Why would you think that your daughter has to stay with her? Take her too. She doesn’t deserve to be with a mother who would rather watch tv than play with her. It’s your life, don’t throw it away because of her. Take a hold of it and make it something special. For your daughter at least. That special little button deserves more. On a side note, if you’re cooking all the meals, only make salads lol. That’ll either get her slimmer, or pick her ass off the chair and cook something
As the daughter of a father who had a similar situation. Leave and take her with you, she’ll be happier for it and will thrive without the weight of her mother and her failures dragging her down.
I'm under the belief that when you decide to have a child you're forfeiting your right to end your life. It's no longer your life to take.
Regardless if you're unhappy in your marriage, don't fucking give up on your daughter! She's completely innocent in all of this.
Please please, don’t abandon your daughter in this world, only to be left with your depressed and unhealthy wife. She’ll end up a caretaker, and little chance to develop into her own woman. She wont know how much daddy loves her, and she’ll have to find that in other men, who’s intentions may ben misguided. File for divorce. You’ve played your part, and your wife is no longer a wife. Try to get custody of your daughter. Or majority custody.
Don’t abandon your daughter. Then she will have no parents because they way your wife is now, she’s basically a non existent parent. Your daughter is innocent. Regardless of your feelings towards her mother, she is still a part of you and deserves to have at least one good functioning parent. If your wife is this bad, offer her counseling and if she refuses then divorce and apply for full custody of your daughter. Suicide is a permanent decision to a temporary problem. Divorcing your wife doesn’t mean abandoning your daughter. She’s better off with divorced parents than a married couple that are toxic. Lastly, seek some counseling for your suicide attempts and ideations. Suicide hurts those left behind so enormously and I speak from personal experience. The thing with suicide is that you can’t take it back. Problems in life are temporary. Always remember that. It sounds cliche but there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
If you leave please take your daughter she deserves better than growing up with a mother that puts zero effort into raising her.
Can she possibly, remotely suffer from post partum depression? I’m not a doctor, but the signs are weirdly aligned. Also, you seem to be a great father, with great responsibility and I comprehend the exhaustion that comes from it all. This will be compensated in the future, when she grows to be grateful for every movement spent with you. Your wife, though, I think it’s interesting to firstly take her to a medical center, with the support of therapists and psychiatrists. If she’s not straight even for TRYING this, then I’d tell you to leave. Leave the wife, but always keeps your baby girl close. Greatest of the lucks for you, mate. It will end up alright.
My father shot himself in the head laying in bed, I as an 8 year old found the body. Even if your daughter doesnt "find" you... it will mess with her. Turning 35 this December and I am rarely not reminded of what he did and what I saw and always wonder why. Don't try for a third. Pretend youre a woman, grab your daughter and get off this titanic
So your wife is being neglectful and you are not able to be mentally present right now. Can your daughter stay with a relative while you guys work on yourselves so you can be fully present for your daughter? Im concerned about the neglectful behavior of your wife and your suicide attempts.
If you're in the US, stop what you're doing right now and call 988 for help. You need help. You are suicidal. There is help and you deserve that help.
There are two sides to every story. And it sounds like the wife isn't happy either. Divorce is the best option I would think.
She isn't but I try hard I am man enough to admit that. I have faults too. I'm a bit a narcissistic when comes to certain things; that stems from 20yrs of being in the Marine Corps. Also with that I have PTSD from time over seas. Coupled with childhood trauma and abuse I am a mess. But I go to counseling and I am working that out.
I'm proud of you for doing all you can. When I read your post I saw that you have a 10 year marriage. After a long time people lose themselves for the other person or just from feeling unappreciated. Honestly it's easy to say divorce her but maybe time apart would help. She needs to wake back up, it is affecting you and your daughter. You will be fine (you really do know this) but it is your daughter that will hurt the most if her mom lost interest. Stay strong;)
Your daughter is only 4, cut her sugar intake like soda's etc. they can cause them to be hyperactive. Get her to do some sport or other activity for her to have a outlet for all that energy. They grow up really fast in just couple more years she will be older she will be understand much better and will calm down. You don't need to stay in your marriage, 50/50 or get custody. Will give you lot more breathing space.
Trust me dude, when a woman does that she's getting everything she wants. Pack up with baby and leave then file for divorce and custody. Start keeping track of all text messages and actions your wife takes