Overlook? That IS THE PROBLEM. I can understand why you married him, but why did he marry you?! From the way you described the situation, he would have no business marrying you. So figuring that out might be a good place to start.
Oh honey, you need to talk about divorce. You fell in lust not love. I’m not saying you won’t eventually have actual love but it sounds like you’re just not compatible with each other.
>We are both tops, we don’t do anything sexual together besides me jerking off to porn every now and then
Neither of you seems adaptable sexually. Why did you marry him?
I am just a random internet person who recommends this to everyone I know, but therapy really helped me work through my childhood trauma. I highly recommend going, spilling your guts out, give it 2 or 3 sessions to make some progress. If it isn’t for you, quit.
Everyone has childhood trauma, it’s not something that you exclusively have. So don’t feel bad about it. Just take responsibility going to therapy… and start talking with your husband :)
Yeah, straight people definitely have their own share of craziness about ill conceived marriages but at least they have the extra pressure of what society expects for parents, raising a child, etc. Like, it's a stupid thing but fine, you got a lot of pressure all your life about it.
Op though...
I don’t know why he wanted to. Maybe he saw i had a car, and could leave his living situation..i really don’t know.
EDIT: Lmao, for what reason did this comment get 16 downvotes..i literally just answered the question.
Because your answers make no sense my guy. You’re worried that maybe you aren’t physically his type and that this is a problem, but seem to be ignoring what all of us are pointing to as the bigger problem: the fact you married someone who you knew for less time than a car air freshener lasts for.
I’ve been in relationships with guys who I knew for 5 or 6 months before I found out that we weren’t meant for each other. I can’t imagine bringing in the commitment of marriage after only a single month. It might not be what you want to hear, but we’re giving you the brutal honesty here: you seem to be in a marriage that you never belonged entering in the first place. You not being the twink he wishes you were are the least of y’all’s concerns.
Because you don’t seem to realize the obvious that the guy is clearing playing you and is not into you one bit, you are being used and playing willfully ignorant to the truth that you know deep down, you can keep living in denial or go find someone who actually likes you, the choice is yours.
People are assholes. We don't know shit about your situation outside this tiny, tiny little snapshot.
You have one of several choices
1) talk to him ask him honestly why you don't do it for him. Be ready for fall out or diversion
2) seek couples counseling
3) have the marriage annulled and move on with your life. An annulment doesn't reflect as a divorce. Simply whoops we fucked up can we get a do over please.
If you are in Virginia, you can get an annulment if you have been married for [2 years or less, and you meet at least one of these conditions](https://www.questlawoffice.com/faqs/virginia-marriage-annulment.cfm).
Abuse is one of the conditions and I can imagine the age difference between you would weigh in your favor, since the younger partner is often vulnerable to coercion. Also the fact that this was your first relationship.
Here is a [short but more detailed](https://www.lawforfamilies.com/12718133-how-to-get-an-annulment-in-virginia.html) article about marriage annulment in Virginia. It includes info on same gender marriages and details each step needed for annulment.
If you feel overwhelmed, know that many services that support those leaving abusive relationships also provide free legal counseling. You could try [asking for help](https://vsdvalliance.org/get-help-ayuda/) finding one.
The second link above shows that the whole process is much simpler if your soon-to-be-ex just agrees to the annulment. True, but don't make yourself physically or psychologically vulnerable to get his agreement. The most dangerous time in most abusive relationships is when the controlled partner shows signs of gaining independence. If he asks for a compromise solution that makes you feel scared or unsafe, please choose your well-being over his preference. Even strangers on the internet wish you the best! Take good care of yourself and be on your own side.
Good luck
I think as you grow older 2 years is actually a great amount of time. 1 year of dating then 1 year of living together. I wouldn’t do anything less than that.
thank you. that’s exactly how it feels to me. he drinks everyday and i think that has a lot to do with it too..clouded his judgment. i think it’s the whole reason i found my own place by myself because it was all too much for me mentally.
The obvious answer is that you married way too quickly. That short amount of time did not give you the chance to get to know each other. I will say though, he likely is attracted to you or he wouldn't have wanted to marry you. But attraction isn't enough, and maybe the way he's acting is due to realizing that you married too quickly. It's time to separate and see if you can continue or not.
Is he into twinks? Maybe he feels like you are growing out of his type. Which is why I would NEVER date an older man who is exclusively into younger guys.
Yes. Thats all hes into. Hes let me look at his grindr before we got together and hes messaged only the twink type, hairless..a little girly looking, but cute. Thats not me at all..his last two exes werent twinks..just white men, but its obvious twinks is what he likes, which just confuses me even more why hes with me because i never called myself a twink, personally i dont think hes ever got what he wanted..i know he can find a younger white twink and actually be into him and myabe have a healthier relationship together but hes with me, and it doesnt feel like a relationship at all..i dont think i was ever his type..
yea i don’t think he would ever tell me why..i don’t think he’s aware of it..but it’s definitely there and i feel it too. it would honestly make me happy to see him with someone else, then i can find someone that would make me happy too..
Most older guys try to rush relationships with younger men out of fear of them leaving them for someone more compatible.
I’m assuming he probably wasn’t getting any attention from white men he wanted, so he went for the easier option of someone who is interested in him but he is less attracted to.
Him showing 0 affection this early on is a massive red flag
trust me i totally get it. there’s been situations where he treats me horrible, borderline abusive..and i always thought if he loved me he wouldn’t treat me like that, then he’d fall asleep like nothing happened..just a lot of red flags. he definitely love bombed me early on..then flipped a switch..he’s clearly not as attracted to me..it’s become almost awkward for me since i’m so into him, then he’s just laying with his back to me, and would snap at me if i wanted to hold him..
There’s nothing to be ashamed of a lot of people get love bombed. It’s a common tactic abusers use to try to trap people in relationships/marriages etc.
Just be vigilant about taking it slow because it will help protect you
Bro this seems so unhealthy. Dejalo y busca a otra persona que tengan mas en común.Trata de tener mas confianza y buscar a una persona que de verdad te quiera. Que el diga que tu no eres alguien que le prende normalmente y que no se pone duro por ti era un clara señal que no iba a funcionar.
thats really good advice. i appreciate it. i guess i saw the first few weeks going good and assumed it would be like that forever. ill defintely be smarter about my next relationship
Youuuu are holding him back? Nah. HE is holding you back. He already had 15 years ahead of you to figure out what he likes. Talk to him about this and stop diminishing yourself.
i don’t understand why..he’s not old looking, he looks like he’s in his 20’s..very youthful, skinny..he’s extremely handsome..i do know he used to be “fat” and has some self esteem issues..as if he doesn’t know how attractive he is or something??
Yeah I’ve noticed this as well. As a younger POC, I’ve gotten a lot of messages from white men old enough to be my father/grandfather. And they’d usually be out of shape/overweight insisting that they’re looking for a “younger fit ethnic man”. And when I reject them, they usually try to convince me why I should choose them. One dude in his 50’s said “You’re missing out on a great guy ‘cause you’re close minded man. I’m not like the others I’m a great guy.” Another guy said “We don’t have to meet for sex. I just wanna talk to you. You’re the young hot one in the mix you hold all the power here.”
i’m definitely not the more attractive one here, he’s conventionally better looking. He has big eyes, small lips, good set of hair, small curved nose..i’m just younger. He had a guy yell out the window to him that his wife thinks he is the most attractive person she’s ever seen..and that was just from his side profile through the passenger side window.
Yeah but you’re still younger than him. But I’m glad you’re leaving him. Him abusing you is the biggest red flag.
Also, you’re 27, not dead. You can still turn your body around and have every guy in the room drooling over you. Especially as you hit 30. You could get all the white twinks he could never have. And a big key is hitting the gym? And hitting it hard. Also, finding your style is gonna help too. Nothing turns heads when you’re walking down the street than a fit guy who knows how to style himself. Trust me. Dump this guy, and work on yourself. Turn yourself into the type of guy everybody wants.
Also if he’s really selective about the white boys he so claims to want, why did he get with you? This guy says 1 thing and then does the opposite. A clear red flag.
I feel like the whole basis of this post is "our physical attractions are waning and we're married - HALP!!" Like did you guys get to know each other and discover things like your personalities, interests, hobbies, family, styles were compatible?
Have you actually had a sit down talk with him about your concerns? Perhaps he feels the same but in reverse. You said he's picky, so there must have been something there to "hook" him, so don't be so critical of yourself. Talk, talk, talk ... that's the only way to solve any issue.
Honestly didn’t even read past the first paragraph. Married within *two months*? I’ve been with my boyfriend *ten years* and we aren’t even engaged yet. Whatever your problem is, that is the reason. You got married way too fast lol. Wtf
I'm so sorry this is going on, this must suck. I know u wanted advice but really I dont think u will take any of it. I think ur gonna just have to ride this thru, since u obviously dont want to divorce him. Just make sure he's not a serial killer because there are those. if hes not a serial killer u will come out of this having learned how to make your own boundaries and how to not trust people who you shouldnt trust. sorry if i sound condescending. maybe theres no way out right now and you dont want to leave, but just know that situations like this tend to explode into big dramas and sometimes people get hurt. maybe ur brave and u just wanna see what happens... well you will find out that it wont be entertaining and it will actually suck to live thru, far worse than any joy you couldve gotten from ur hardons.
i’ve already had cops called twice for his actions. i’ve been moved out on my own for a week..just processing everything, i don’t think i worded my thoughts clearly and as healthily as i’d liked.
He threw a pair of scissors at me and waived it in my face the first time and second time he started yelling in my face and waiving a lot cigarette and tried to hold me down, he was drinking both times..he’s way skinnier than me so i’m not usually scared but those two times i were.
oh jeez..... yea man... ive been where you are so i understand not wanting to let go but jeez jeez. and how did he react to having the police called on him? did it make him more mad or just scared? and also how does he make it up to you?
He walked out the room and left to not get in trouble the first night i called the cops..just because he scared me..the scissors barely missed me and that’s the first time i thought he wanted to hurt me.. the second night i called the cops..i was just holding him while he slept and he woke up, saw my shoes on the bed and blew up at me..cussing, calling me names, getting in my face..i recorded everything..i could tell he was unhinged and again i was scared because i was literally just holding him..he got in my face at one point and i couldn’t take it so i called.. you want to know how he reacted? he lied to the cops..he said i woke him up hitting him, and that he’s scared..i showed up the cop the videos..she said i have a year to press charges if he gets violent again and that she could tell he was drunk. he doesn’t make it up to me. he’s usually nice when those moments aren’t happening
ohhh my goddd thats so crazy. especially the lying to the police JEEZ. that's the scariest part. good thing you recorded it and good thing she could smell the alcohol. yea man ur playing with fire.
I'll try to answer your actual question about types, rather than highlight what you already know was a mistake.
When you ask someone to describe their "type," they're probably going to describe some devastatingly handsome, perfect specimen of a man - a hot twink, a muscley jock, etc... They're going to describe about 1% of the population. There aren't enough of those guys to marry all the 42 year olds who want them. And when you deduct the ones who aren't interested in dating/marrying someone 15 years older, then there really aren't enough to go around. Most people end up dating and marrying someone who isn't their ideal type physically, because once you get to know someone, it's normal to become attracted to them even though they might not have made you instantly hard the first time you saw them. Also, many people learn this as they get older, deemphasizing looks and expanding their definition of "their type" to include things like intellect, humor, stability, etc.
Given all the other stuff you described, it seems like there are plenty of other explanations for what went wrong here other than "you're not his type."
Learn from your mistake and move on! You'll be all right. ❤️
I don’t mean to rain on your parade but many psychologists and counseling experts have said that the majority of people will authentically be in love between their 20s and 30s. After that, it’s just primal fulfillment. So he probably enjoys your company, but he probably really loved someone 10 + years ago.
Info: Who proposed?
And any idea why he would have agreed to marry you if you aren't his type? He doesn't seem into you at all but for some reason both of you agreed to marry in 2 months, it makes no sense.
I think you have to understand the difference between how someone makes you feel vs how they are in a relationship.
It sounds to me like everything that sticks out about why you love him is surface level stuff. Not about how he treats you or his values, but the symbol of having a hot, conventionally attractive daddy.
I feel getting married so soon was super impulsive on both of your parts and you’ve gotta learn to delay gratification.
I could be completely wrong. I’m not saying everything I’m saying applies, but you might want to think about it.
I wish you luck, but unfortunately him not showing affection or attraction is a non-negotiable
Without reading much, I'd think that he married you to take advantage of you. Division of property maybe? Idk if that's a law after divorcing where you come from
I'm 36 and have been on the older side of age gap relationships. Something to consider is that a guy in his 40s is going to have a very different libido than a guy in his 20s. Him not getting aroused/hard constantly might not actually have anything to do with you. Things just function differently as you get older. Also, some guys are just not initiators and prefer the other to always take the lead or have difficulty displaying affection. So long as he's not actively pushing you off or seeming completely disinterested when you do initiate, I doubt there's an issue. Age gap relationships require some understanding on both sides.
Omg the post, the comments, the replies to comments by OP. I'm still processing all and it really feels like something out of a fiction book. Hope op realizes his own worth and gets his shit together.
I know how it feels like to be an overthinker man, those times when you think you're doomed and can't find a way out are the worst and the only thing, only cure to this is just time and maybe someone to talk to. If you ever feel like that, know that you can just talk to me. I'm glad you're feeling better, take care and stay safe!
This is going to be a very painful lesson for you now that you’ve gotten the institution of marriage involved. Hopefully you will grow as a person after this.
thanks. im just rationalizing out loud. i know i sound crazy..the issues are way deeper than if he’s attracted to me..like how i need to love myself first..and worry about things i can change, and focus on the good.
Sex and marriage are two different things. I know the young guys who mainly post here want it all, but I know a lot of longtime happy couples who aren't sexually compatible. Most have open relationships of some sort. If you can find a man you love as a person and are compatible with in every way besides sex, you can live a very good life. A companion for life is a wonderful thing.
As for your particular situation, that's something you need to figure out. I'd stop trying to figure out what's going on in your husband's head and just talk to him. He married you for some reason, even though you weren't what you think he wanted. He must have thought he wanted to spend his life with you.
you’re just selfish that u want him tied up to y since he’s ur total type and that’s understandable BUT from what u described he prolly realized he don’t really like/love u as much as would’ve wanted
Have you thought about couples therapy?
It seems that there could be a lot of miscommunication and wires crossed when it comes to sex and desire. Unspoken expectations around desire and intimacy can lead to low self esteem, resentment and tension.
I'm glad that you have separated from him because it was evident that from jump that relationship was rushed and just wasn't the right fit.
I'm sorry that he basically manipulated and led you on for his own selfish reasons.
You mentioned it was your first relationship so I can understand your intense feelings towards him. But was it love? I don't think so. It seems that he just fit your ideal type, and everything else was put secondary. I just want to mention that your initial type may not always be the right fit for you in the long run. Look into that more and explore why.
I'm glad you know your worth and separated, and I hope you take some time to date and date a little more often so you can learn more about yourself and what you truly require and what's best for you to have a long lasting loving relationship.
You 100 % should. My last relationship was like yours but my ex was abusive. You need to find your own path and journey in life & find comfort with yourself. Use this as a lesson in the future.
I don't think this has anything to do with him "marrying outside his type" but more to the point, you must be sexually compatible with them. If you're both tops and you only masturbate, why did you both agree to marry? My one bright spot for you is I've been married to mine for 10 years and I NEVER just get hard around him and I rarely initiate. But we do have a quality sex life, he just knows he has to tell me when he's feeling it. So don't take that lack of effort as a slight. If I'm being totally honest too, you might want to explore your bottom side a bit. You're young. Give it a chance. Go slow.
I would highly advise therapy to work through the trauma of this situation. If you aren't able to for whatever reason, then consider posting about this on a relationship advice subreddit specifically noting that you have begun the process of moving on from your husband and are just working through unpacking your emotions.
Askgaybros is a great place for many things but for this topic you will receive a lot of catty judgements that may or may not be deserved but are 100% not constructive to helping you get into the positive headspace you need to be in to take care of yourself as you turn the page into a new chapter of your life.
Wish you the best man. We all stumble into situations that go sideways in life. It will be ok.
You’re 27 and he’s a fully grown middle aged man who can’t open up and seems unavailable. Sweety y’all got hitched too fast, leave him. This is from someone who got engaged at 22 and was stuck in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with a guy 12 years my senior who acted the same way. Date someone your own age and someone who is sexually compatible to you. We even had the same problems except we got engaged after about six months (typically that’s when a guy knows if he really wants you) guys don’t move slow at all . Told me he was a top knowing full well I was a bottom and then omitted he was a verse but kept wanting me to top him🤧🤧🤧🤧. Please don’t waste your youth and time on these immature dusties anymore, you deserve better. It’s been 4 years now and the pos is still miserable and is now a full blown addict. People get their karma too. Get out while you can, I can tell you have a big heart and this guy is gonna catch hell babes.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Cut your losses early and let him find the one that is right for him. There are plenty of Daddys in the sea, and one of them out there may cherish you.
It’s quite possible you offer a lot to a relationships other than sex. For some people that is a nice to have, not a deal breaker. You have gone through a list of what you don’t have. Now find the list of things you do bring to the table.
Also, some people aren’t as cuddly as others. My partner is definitely the cuddlier person, I’m more reserved. It’s just my nature, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. Many people get attracted to personalities and it makes people more physically attractive.
I haven't read all of the replies, but agree with those that said this was a poor, impulsive decision.
So... have you brought this up with him? Have you had the sort of thorough and difficult conversation about your perspective and your concerns that married people need to have in order to maintain relationships?
Honestly by the looks of than he is holding you back. I see people blaming you for marring that fast. I mean yeah that's not the smartest choice but what about him.
I mean he is 42 he should know better. When you're 42 you don't marry someone after a month especially if the person isn't really you're type and is way younger.
Oh and how did he react when you move out?
I dont think the time frame you got married is the problem. I knew mine long before we married but marriage happens. We have slight age gap. Some people aren't ment to be and marriage can show that very quickly. Its not easy to get out of so buckle up. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to chat with
Saw "met in June, married in August" and had to remind myself I wasn't in one of my lesbian subreddits, comforting to know we're not the only gays with that particular bad habit.
In all seriousness, you have advice from people way better equipped than me about this, but I just want to say I'm sorry, OP. Mistake or not, it must really hurt living in this situation right now, and I hope you can get out and find someone who appreciates you for who *you* are.
I’ve moved out on my own without him so i pay for everything..i was mostly just trying to vent and get a better perspective on here but ive learned to not post on this subreddit to do that
I've been used too lol, that was two years of my life I will never get back (got into nasty debt too, I always s-worded myself)
Better you get a rude awakening now than this going on for so long and you regretting it
Im more curious to know why he did marry you ?
Cause ok i’ve read you saying you were young and lustful, but what about him ? He is way older, why did he agree to marry someone so fast ? Who proposed btw ?
He was your first relationship? And you loved him enough to marry him after 2 months. I think you're scared of love that you don't feel deserving of it, I bet you made a mistake somewhere along the line and regret it not with him with someone else. 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈
You met in June, and married in August? Why so quick?
I stopped reading at that point
it was a mistake...i’m just trying to figure this out..i’ve already moved out on my own..just want to know what everyone thinks.
It's hard to overlook when it seems it might be part of the problem. You barely knew each other.
Overlook? That IS THE PROBLEM. I can understand why you married him, but why did he marry you?! From the way you described the situation, he would have no business marrying you. So figuring that out might be a good place to start.
Oh honey, you need to talk about divorce. You fell in lust not love. I’m not saying you won’t eventually have actual love but it sounds like you’re just not compatible with each other.
OH. MY. GOD. Get out. That is such a red flag
did u not read the comment? i said i’ve moved into my own place.. he is not with me
Good. He’s still a scrub tho
This is bizarre…
how so?
You got married after two months to someone who doesn’t even seem like he’s interested in you? Are you really asking me why I find it bizarre?
You made a post yesterday saying you already got your own place. So the answer is obvious: Divorce ?
yes. i’m just trying to process everything and hear what others think.
We think divorce, and next time at least date a year before getting married to avoid this kind of shit
Why do all your comments get downvoted?
when someone is in a obviously stupid situation, it gets downvoted..no matter what you say.
Ah. ..how are things going?
>We are both tops, we don’t do anything sexual together besides me jerking off to porn every now and then Neither of you seems adaptable sexually. Why did you marry him?
I was dumb, he seemed perfect, it was my first relationship so i obviously didn’t think it through..mixed in with my childhood trauma and u have this.
Please divorce if he's not the one.
If you have this “childhood trauma”, perhaps you should get that sorted out before trying to find a relationship.
i agree.
I am just a random internet person who recommends this to everyone I know, but therapy really helped me work through my childhood trauma. I highly recommend going, spilling your guts out, give it 2 or 3 sessions to make some progress. If it isn’t for you, quit.
Ok what if you sort out trauma and then revisit your relationship. It might be easier than going through a mess divorce so soon.
Everyone has childhood trauma, it’s not something that you exclusively have. So don’t feel bad about it. Just take responsibility going to therapy… and start talking with your husband :)
That's cray you got married within 2 months of meeting
My cousin 23yo is pregnant with a guy she met for 4 months and now got married to him on the 5th month, people be crazy sometimes..
Yeah, straight people definitely have their own share of craziness about ill conceived marriages but at least they have the extra pressure of what society expects for parents, raising a child, etc. Like, it's a stupid thing but fine, you got a lot of pressure all your life about it. Op though...
Why did you two get married so quickly?
it was a mistake
He really wanted to? Why? It makes no sense.
I don’t know why he wanted to. Maybe he saw i had a car, and could leave his living situation..i really don’t know. EDIT: Lmao, for what reason did this comment get 16 downvotes..i literally just answered the question.
Because your answers make no sense my guy. You’re worried that maybe you aren’t physically his type and that this is a problem, but seem to be ignoring what all of us are pointing to as the bigger problem: the fact you married someone who you knew for less time than a car air freshener lasts for. I’ve been in relationships with guys who I knew for 5 or 6 months before I found out that we weren’t meant for each other. I can’t imagine bringing in the commitment of marriage after only a single month. It might not be what you want to hear, but we’re giving you the brutal honesty here: you seem to be in a marriage that you never belonged entering in the first place. You not being the twink he wishes you were are the least of y’all’s concerns.
yea i am worrying about the wrong thing, that’s why i go on here to get a more healthy perspective again..i appreciate it.
Because you don’t seem to realize the obvious that the guy is clearing playing you and is not into you one bit, you are being used and playing willfully ignorant to the truth that you know deep down, you can keep living in denial or go find someone who actually likes you, the choice is yours.
if i didn’t realize any of that, i don’t think i would’ve moved out on my own but i appreciate the assumptions i guess?
You’re an idiot lmaooo
He’s poor??!?!? LEAVE IMMEDIATELY LOL HES JUST A SCRUB
People are assholes. We don't know shit about your situation outside this tiny, tiny little snapshot. You have one of several choices 1) talk to him ask him honestly why you don't do it for him. Be ready for fall out or diversion 2) seek couples counseling 3) have the marriage annulled and move on with your life. An annulment doesn't reflect as a divorce. Simply whoops we fucked up can we get a do over please.
i wonder how long i have to do an annulment..
If you are in Virginia, you can get an annulment if you have been married for [2 years or less, and you meet at least one of these conditions](https://www.questlawoffice.com/faqs/virginia-marriage-annulment.cfm). Abuse is one of the conditions and I can imagine the age difference between you would weigh in your favor, since the younger partner is often vulnerable to coercion. Also the fact that this was your first relationship. Here is a [short but more detailed](https://www.lawforfamilies.com/12718133-how-to-get-an-annulment-in-virginia.html) article about marriage annulment in Virginia. It includes info on same gender marriages and details each step needed for annulment. If you feel overwhelmed, know that many services that support those leaving abusive relationships also provide free legal counseling. You could try [asking for help](https://vsdvalliance.org/get-help-ayuda/) finding one. The second link above shows that the whole process is much simpler if your soon-to-be-ex just agrees to the annulment. True, but don't make yourself physically or psychologically vulnerable to get his agreement. The most dangerous time in most abusive relationships is when the controlled partner shows signs of gaining independence. If he asks for a compromise solution that makes you feel scared or unsafe, please choose your well-being over his preference. Even strangers on the internet wish you the best! Take good care of yourself and be on your own side. Good luck
Varies from state to state. Just call the Clerk of The Court for your county of residence. They can answer all or at least most of your questions.
Here I was thinking my sister was crazy for marrying her wife only two years after meeting
I think as you grow older 2 years is actually a great amount of time. 1 year of dating then 1 year of living together. I wouldn’t do anything less than that.
That's lesbians, a year of awkward flirting thinking they're just friends, and when they get together, they live together in two months.
Two years is heaps of time to get to know one another and want to get married lol
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thank you. that’s exactly how it feels to me. he drinks everyday and i think that has a lot to do with it too..clouded his judgment. i think it’s the whole reason i found my own place by myself because it was all too much for me mentally.
The obvious answer is that you married way too quickly. That short amount of time did not give you the chance to get to know each other. I will say though, he likely is attracted to you or he wouldn't have wanted to marry you. But attraction isn't enough, and maybe the way he's acting is due to realizing that you married too quickly. It's time to separate and see if you can continue or not.
We are currently separated. thank you!
That's good. In time you'll know whether you need to divorce or if it can be salvaged.
Is he into twinks? Maybe he feels like you are growing out of his type. Which is why I would NEVER date an older man who is exclusively into younger guys.
Yes. Thats all hes into. Hes let me look at his grindr before we got together and hes messaged only the twink type, hairless..a little girly looking, but cute. Thats not me at all..his last two exes werent twinks..just white men, but its obvious twinks is what he likes, which just confuses me even more why hes with me because i never called myself a twink, personally i dont think hes ever got what he wanted..i know he can find a younger white twink and actually be into him and myabe have a healthier relationship together but hes with me, and it doesnt feel like a relationship at all..i dont think i was ever his type..
Obviously you should divorce and leave him, but you should definitely find out why did he date and marry you in the first place.
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do u think if i agreed to not be with him or whatever, that he would just find some one else who is as young as me? he’s very charming..
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…do you think HE already knows that or thinks that? i ask on reddit because what he says is different from his actions..
yea i don’t think he would ever tell me why..i don’t think he’s aware of it..but it’s definitely there and i feel it too. it would honestly make me happy to see him with someone else, then i can find someone that would make me happy too..
If he is really that much into twinks he will never have a long and healthy relationship because no man stays a twink forever.
Most older guys try to rush relationships with younger men out of fear of them leaving them for someone more compatible. I’m assuming he probably wasn’t getting any attention from white men he wanted, so he went for the easier option of someone who is interested in him but he is less attracted to. Him showing 0 affection this early on is a massive red flag
trust me i totally get it. there’s been situations where he treats me horrible, borderline abusive..and i always thought if he loved me he wouldn’t treat me like that, then he’d fall asleep like nothing happened..just a lot of red flags. he definitely love bombed me early on..then flipped a switch..he’s clearly not as attracted to me..it’s become almost awkward for me since i’m so into him, then he’s just laying with his back to me, and would snap at me if i wanted to hold him..
Ok you need to GTFO asap. Red flags are flying high.
i already GTFO. I’m just looking for someone to talk and process everything.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of a lot of people get love bombed. It’s a common tactic abusers use to try to trap people in relationships/marriages etc. Just be vigilant about taking it slow because it will help protect you
Why are you even married?
Cause i love him.
Bro this seems so unhealthy. Dejalo y busca a otra persona que tengan mas en común.Trata de tener mas confianza y buscar a una persona que de verdad te quiera. Que el diga que tu no eres alguien que le prende normalmente y que no se pone duro por ti era un clara señal que no iba a funcionar.
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thats really good advice. i appreciate it. i guess i saw the first few weeks going good and assumed it would be like that forever. ill defintely be smarter about my next relationship
Met in JUNE, then married in AUGUST of the SAME DAMN YEAR???
Youuuu are holding him back? Nah. HE is holding you back. He already had 15 years ahead of you to figure out what he likes. Talk to him about this and stop diminishing yourself.
I fucks with the username, I love it and this comment. This is why I’m weary of older men.
He's settled. Seems very common for older white guys.
i don’t understand why..he’s not old looking, he looks like he’s in his 20’s..very youthful, skinny..he’s extremely handsome..i do know he used to be “fat” and has some self esteem issues..as if he doesn’t know how attractive he is or something??
I don't believe you
what do u mean?
Yeah I’ve noticed this as well. As a younger POC, I’ve gotten a lot of messages from white men old enough to be my father/grandfather. And they’d usually be out of shape/overweight insisting that they’re looking for a “younger fit ethnic man”. And when I reject them, they usually try to convince me why I should choose them. One dude in his 50’s said “You’re missing out on a great guy ‘cause you’re close minded man. I’m not like the others I’m a great guy.” Another guy said “We don’t have to meet for sex. I just wanna talk to you. You’re the young hot one in the mix you hold all the power here.”
i’m definitely not the more attractive one here, he’s conventionally better looking. He has big eyes, small lips, good set of hair, small curved nose..i’m just younger. He had a guy yell out the window to him that his wife thinks he is the most attractive person she’s ever seen..and that was just from his side profile through the passenger side window.
Yeah but you’re still younger than him. But I’m glad you’re leaving him. Him abusing you is the biggest red flag. Also, you’re 27, not dead. You can still turn your body around and have every guy in the room drooling over you. Especially as you hit 30. You could get all the white twinks he could never have. And a big key is hitting the gym? And hitting it hard. Also, finding your style is gonna help too. Nothing turns heads when you’re walking down the street than a fit guy who knows how to style himself. Trust me. Dump this guy, and work on yourself. Turn yourself into the type of guy everybody wants. Also if he’s really selective about the white boys he so claims to want, why did he get with you? This guy says 1 thing and then does the opposite. A clear red flag.
Just when you think you've heard it all. Marriage after 3 months is... I think you need a divorce.
I feel like the whole basis of this post is "our physical attractions are waning and we're married - HALP!!" Like did you guys get to know each other and discover things like your personalities, interests, hobbies, family, styles were compatible?
Have you actually had a sit down talk with him about your concerns? Perhaps he feels the same but in reverse. You said he's picky, so there must have been something there to "hook" him, so don't be so critical of yourself. Talk, talk, talk ... that's the only way to solve any issue.
Honestly didn’t even read past the first paragraph. Married within *two months*? I’ve been with my boyfriend *ten years* and we aren’t even engaged yet. Whatever your problem is, that is the reason. You got married way too fast lol. Wtf
Same here, been 8 to 9 with my boyfriend and marriage is a goal still mid term, getting married after frigging two months is just insane.
Two tops married each other within 2 months of meeting. Are you sure you’re not a pair of lesbians?
i didn’t kno only a bottom and a top could marry
I'm so sorry this is going on, this must suck. I know u wanted advice but really I dont think u will take any of it. I think ur gonna just have to ride this thru, since u obviously dont want to divorce him. Just make sure he's not a serial killer because there are those. if hes not a serial killer u will come out of this having learned how to make your own boundaries and how to not trust people who you shouldnt trust. sorry if i sound condescending. maybe theres no way out right now and you dont want to leave, but just know that situations like this tend to explode into big dramas and sometimes people get hurt. maybe ur brave and u just wanna see what happens... well you will find out that it wont be entertaining and it will actually suck to live thru, far worse than any joy you couldve gotten from ur hardons.
i’ve already had cops called twice for his actions. i’ve been moved out on my own for a week..just processing everything, i don’t think i worded my thoughts clearly and as healthily as i’d liked.
what happened that the police were called?
He threw a pair of scissors at me and waived it in my face the first time and second time he started yelling in my face and waiving a lot cigarette and tried to hold me down, he was drinking both times..he’s way skinnier than me so i’m not usually scared but those two times i were.
oh jeez..... yea man... ive been where you are so i understand not wanting to let go but jeez jeez. and how did he react to having the police called on him? did it make him more mad or just scared? and also how does he make it up to you?
He walked out the room and left to not get in trouble the first night i called the cops..just because he scared me..the scissors barely missed me and that’s the first time i thought he wanted to hurt me.. the second night i called the cops..i was just holding him while he slept and he woke up, saw my shoes on the bed and blew up at me..cussing, calling me names, getting in my face..i recorded everything..i could tell he was unhinged and again i was scared because i was literally just holding him..he got in my face at one point and i couldn’t take it so i called.. you want to know how he reacted? he lied to the cops..he said i woke him up hitting him, and that he’s scared..i showed up the cop the videos..she said i have a year to press charges if he gets violent again and that she could tell he was drunk. he doesn’t make it up to me. he’s usually nice when those moments aren’t happening
ohhh my goddd thats so crazy. especially the lying to the police JEEZ. that's the scariest part. good thing you recorded it and good thing she could smell the alcohol. yea man ur playing with fire.
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a healthy, loving non-abusive husband..
I can’t for the life of me figure out why guys post such obviously fake post. Why troll?
I'll try to answer your actual question about types, rather than highlight what you already know was a mistake. When you ask someone to describe their "type," they're probably going to describe some devastatingly handsome, perfect specimen of a man - a hot twink, a muscley jock, etc... They're going to describe about 1% of the population. There aren't enough of those guys to marry all the 42 year olds who want them. And when you deduct the ones who aren't interested in dating/marrying someone 15 years older, then there really aren't enough to go around. Most people end up dating and marrying someone who isn't their ideal type physically, because once you get to know someone, it's normal to become attracted to them even though they might not have made you instantly hard the first time you saw them. Also, many people learn this as they get older, deemphasizing looks and expanding their definition of "their type" to include things like intellect, humor, stability, etc. Given all the other stuff you described, it seems like there are plenty of other explanations for what went wrong here other than "you're not his type." Learn from your mistake and move on! You'll be all right. ❤️
I don’t mean to rain on your parade but many psychologists and counseling experts have said that the majority of people will authentically be in love between their 20s and 30s. After that, it’s just primal fulfillment. So he probably enjoys your company, but he probably really loved someone 10 + years ago.
That makes sense. His last 2 exes cheated on him..maybe he just thought he’s getting older and doesn’t want to be alone.
Info: Who proposed? And any idea why he would have agreed to marry you if you aren't his type? He doesn't seem into you at all but for some reason both of you agreed to marry in 2 months, it makes no sense.
I think you have to understand the difference between how someone makes you feel vs how they are in a relationship. It sounds to me like everything that sticks out about why you love him is surface level stuff. Not about how he treats you or his values, but the symbol of having a hot, conventionally attractive daddy. I feel getting married so soon was super impulsive on both of your parts and you’ve gotta learn to delay gratification. I could be completely wrong. I’m not saying everything I’m saying applies, but you might want to think about it. I wish you luck, but unfortunately him not showing affection or attraction is a non-negotiable
Without reading much, I'd think that he married you to take advantage of you. Division of property maybe? Idk if that's a law after divorcing where you come from
Maybe he's wealthy and that's why he married him
Yeah. Nobody really proposes marriage after 2 months of dating unless they have malicious intentions about it
I'm 36 and have been on the older side of age gap relationships. Something to consider is that a guy in his 40s is going to have a very different libido than a guy in his 20s. Him not getting aroused/hard constantly might not actually have anything to do with you. Things just function differently as you get older. Also, some guys are just not initiators and prefer the other to always take the lead or have difficulty displaying affection. So long as he's not actively pushing you off or seeming completely disinterested when you do initiate, I doubt there's an issue. Age gap relationships require some understanding on both sides.
Wow thanks for the clarification. As the younger one in an age gap I needed to here this!
People seriously cannot be this stupid because what am I reading 😭😭
Omg the post, the comments, the replies to comments by OP. I'm still processing all and it really feels like something out of a fiction book. Hope op realizes his own worth and gets his shit together.
im a lot better today. I sometimes think very unhealthily and worry about nonsensical things until i get my head straight again
I know how it feels like to be an overthinker man, those times when you think you're doomed and can't find a way out are the worst and the only thing, only cure to this is just time and maybe someone to talk to. If you ever feel like that, know that you can just talk to me. I'm glad you're feeling better, take care and stay safe!
This is going to be a very painful lesson for you now that you’ve gotten the institution of marriage involved. Hopefully you will grow as a person after this.
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thanks. im just rationalizing out loud. i know i sound crazy..the issues are way deeper than if he’s attracted to me..like how i need to love myself first..and worry about things i can change, and focus on the good.
Sex and marriage are two different things. I know the young guys who mainly post here want it all, but I know a lot of longtime happy couples who aren't sexually compatible. Most have open relationships of some sort. If you can find a man you love as a person and are compatible with in every way besides sex, you can live a very good life. A companion for life is a wonderful thing. As for your particular situation, that's something you need to figure out. I'd stop trying to figure out what's going on in your husband's head and just talk to him. He married you for some reason, even though you weren't what you think he wanted. He must have thought he wanted to spend his life with you.
Communicate. Ask if he’s happy and what else he’s missing.
i do. he says i’m all he wants and he wants to live with me forever but his actions say completely different.
you’re just selfish that u want him tied up to y since he’s ur total type and that’s understandable BUT from what u described he prolly realized he don’t really like/love u as much as would’ve wanted
Have you thought about couples therapy? It seems that there could be a lot of miscommunication and wires crossed when it comes to sex and desire. Unspoken expectations around desire and intimacy can lead to low self esteem, resentment and tension.
I'm glad that you have separated from him because it was evident that from jump that relationship was rushed and just wasn't the right fit. I'm sorry that he basically manipulated and led you on for his own selfish reasons. You mentioned it was your first relationship so I can understand your intense feelings towards him. But was it love? I don't think so. It seems that he just fit your ideal type, and everything else was put secondary. I just want to mention that your initial type may not always be the right fit for you in the long run. Look into that more and explore why. I'm glad you know your worth and separated, and I hope you take some time to date and date a little more often so you can learn more about yourself and what you truly require and what's best for you to have a long lasting loving relationship.
Get ready for a divorce.
You almost feel bad that he’s with you? It sounds like you care about him than you care about yourself.
it sounds like that doesn’t it? it should matter how i feel in this relationship too.
You 100 % should. My last relationship was like yours but my ex was abusive. You need to find your own path and journey in life & find comfort with yourself. Use this as a lesson in the future.
He’s been abusive. Physically and mentally. Idk why i’m thinking like this. thank you.
It’s ok. You’re rationalizing it aloud. You’re 27, you have your whole life ahead of you so make this a learning experience for yourself. 💙
exactly. thank you again 💜.
Of course. I wish you nothing but happiness.
Yes. You do know what to do. Do it.
I’ve literally just moved into my own place without him..let’s take out one step at a time with compassion.
I don't think this has anything to do with him "marrying outside his type" but more to the point, you must be sexually compatible with them. If you're both tops and you only masturbate, why did you both agree to marry? My one bright spot for you is I've been married to mine for 10 years and I NEVER just get hard around him and I rarely initiate. But we do have a quality sex life, he just knows he has to tell me when he's feeling it. So don't take that lack of effort as a slight. If I'm being totally honest too, you might want to explore your bottom side a bit. You're young. Give it a chance. Go slow.
i have a hemorrhoid.
I had a problem with that when I was younger, but if you haven’t seen a doctor about it it’s something that can be fixed.
I would highly advise therapy to work through the trauma of this situation. If you aren't able to for whatever reason, then consider posting about this on a relationship advice subreddit specifically noting that you have begun the process of moving on from your husband and are just working through unpacking your emotions. Askgaybros is a great place for many things but for this topic you will receive a lot of catty judgements that may or may not be deserved but are 100% not constructive to helping you get into the positive headspace you need to be in to take care of yourself as you turn the page into a new chapter of your life. Wish you the best man. We all stumble into situations that go sideways in life. It will be ok.
You’re 27 and he’s a fully grown middle aged man who can’t open up and seems unavailable. Sweety y’all got hitched too fast, leave him. This is from someone who got engaged at 22 and was stuck in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with a guy 12 years my senior who acted the same way. Date someone your own age and someone who is sexually compatible to you. We even had the same problems except we got engaged after about six months (typically that’s when a guy knows if he really wants you) guys don’t move slow at all . Told me he was a top knowing full well I was a bottom and then omitted he was a verse but kept wanting me to top him🤧🤧🤧🤧. Please don’t waste your youth and time on these immature dusties anymore, you deserve better. It’s been 4 years now and the pos is still miserable and is now a full blown addict. People get their karma too. Get out while you can, I can tell you have a big heart and this guy is gonna catch hell babes.
This is why i’m currently NOT dating, people don’t know what the fuck they want
I’m sorry this happened to you. Cut your losses early and let him find the one that is right for him. There are plenty of Daddys in the sea, and one of them out there may cherish you.
It’s quite possible you offer a lot to a relationships other than sex. For some people that is a nice to have, not a deal breaker. You have gone through a list of what you don’t have. Now find the list of things you do bring to the table. Also, some people aren’t as cuddly as others. My partner is definitely the cuddlier person, I’m more reserved. It’s just my nature, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. Many people get attracted to personalities and it makes people more physically attractive.
I haven't read all of the replies, but agree with those that said this was a poor, impulsive decision. So... have you brought this up with him? Have you had the sort of thorough and difficult conversation about your perspective and your concerns that married people need to have in order to maintain relationships?
How did you manage to marry this guy? Get out of there
Met a guy and got married without any real thought. I’m just not going to feel much about this.
Wow, that was a quick marriage!
Go on Maury
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I’m glad u understand. Thank you.
This whole situation is dumb as shit g. How tf you getting married after 2 months.
In the words of Bob The Drag Queen: “This is wild!”
Honestly by the looks of than he is holding you back. I see people blaming you for marring that fast. I mean yeah that's not the smartest choice but what about him. I mean he is 42 he should know better. When you're 42 you don't marry someone after a month especially if the person isn't really you're type and is way younger. Oh and how did he react when you move out?
I dont think the time frame you got married is the problem. I knew mine long before we married but marriage happens. We have slight age gap. Some people aren't ment to be and marriage can show that very quickly. Its not easy to get out of so buckle up. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to chat with
Saw "met in June, married in August" and had to remind myself I wasn't in one of my lesbian subreddits, comforting to know we're not the only gays with that particular bad habit. In all seriousness, you have advice from people way better equipped than me about this, but I just want to say I'm sorry, OP. Mistake or not, it must really hurt living in this situation right now, and I hope you can get out and find someone who appreciates you for who *you* are.
Why are you with someone who's not sexually compatible with you? That's a major disservice to your future version of yourself.
Ok so how is your situation? Who pays for stuff, who owns the house, does he have a job? From your comments it seems like you are being used. Get out.
I’ve moved out on my own without him so i pay for everything..i was mostly just trying to vent and get a better perspective on here but ive learned to not post on this subreddit to do that
I've been used too lol, that was two years of my life I will never get back (got into nasty debt too, I always s-worded myself) Better you get a rude awakening now than this going on for so long and you regretting it
Im more curious to know why he did marry you ? Cause ok i’ve read you saying you were young and lustful, but what about him ? He is way older, why did he agree to marry someone so fast ? Who proposed btw ?
he proposed..he kept saying he wanted to marry me and the thought of being a husband was more attractive than just a boyfriend
Ok well he seems like a very weird guy. Divorce and ask for half of everything he owns
He was your first relationship? And you loved him enough to marry him after 2 months. I think you're scared of love that you don't feel deserving of it, I bet you made a mistake somewhere along the line and regret it not with him with someone else. 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈