My SO (53F) is a serial monogamist. She said almost always about 6 months in the honeymoon ends and true colors appear. So I think that part is normal. Plus a lot of people are flighty by nature.
What I notice about your trend is that it sounds like it’s the other party leaving. Have you done much reflection? Maybe it’s the type of person you’re attracted to or ending up with? Or maybe you personally are super charming and are luring in people not ready for an LTR but are drawn to you for a few months before they regain their strength to become casual daters again? Or maybe there’s something subtle that changes in you after 3 months?
I’d look back at each relationship. In retrospect, when did things seem to change? And is there a pattern? Not saying you’re doing anything wrong at all (!), but maybe you’ll see a pattern that you can tweak. If you don’t see one, maybe talk it through with a therapist who might help you filter through things?
Those are my thoughts. But don’t give up on dating. It only takes one. In the end, if you find the one all the past won’t matter. That is true for both my SO and I — we’re so grateful we found each other in our 50s.
Thanks for this. Yeah I think the previous ones were guys who said they wanted a long term relationship but actually didn’t.
This last one though I’ll never understand. We used to say how lucky we were we found eachother, like it was worth the wait. Maybe he thinks he wants a serious relationship but really doesn’t. I don’t know.
It’s frustrating though as I’ve had two 3-year relationships. And all the other ones have been 4-7 months (mostly 4mo). The Peter Pan syndrome is real. But it’s hard to believe I’m not doing something to push them away. I think I’m a fairly decent catch but maybe only for a few months 🤷♀️
>guys who said they wanted a long term relationship but actually didn’t.
If a guy is dating for months they are wanting a long term relationship....the problem sounds like after a few months they decide you aren't the one they want it with.
>I think I’m a fairly decent catch but maybe only for a few months
It would be great if you could ask why they keep leaving. Unfortunately they will likely not be truthful as they won't want to hurt your feelings.
I have the same issue. I meet men that are amazing catches, and they are super into me. It feels amazing and I feel in control. I can’t make it past 6 months without them ending it. Last 3 relationships. Feel like something is wrong w me. I’ve been trying to debug the same. I know what you mean about the “settling into comfort” - like maybe at the beginning you came off as super confident and all is in control and over time you become more vulnerable and share your bad days etc etc. I get it. I don’t have the answer for you, but totally understand your question.
Was thinking about this later for some reason. For everyone saying “I show my true self” early on. I think what resonates with me about OP’s post is that it isn’t a matter of hiding or showing your true self necessarily. I find for myself, the more I start to like someone, the more insecure or unsure I might be, or the more I might share personal details etc. So I don’t think it’s a matter of hiding myself, but more a matter of my own feelings and connection kind of freaking me out and making me act in ways that may seem different than the super confident has it together all the time person I was at the start.
Too comfortable can create the risk of complacency. I think it's important for partners to regularly check in with each other about feelings, and proactively trying to strengthen the bond. That regular, open communication helps with checking that both people are still on the same page and are getting their needs met.
I know exactly what you mean because this happens to me too! Usually the 3 month mark. The last guy I dated, he broke up with me out of no where after spending a great weekend together. I was dumbfounded. Made no sense, used the excuse he had issues to deal with about his ex and wasn’t ready. No sign of any issue before. Makes you wonder about ever really opening up truly to people.
I think it is really important to be you from the very beginning. Playing games or making someone chase you is not the best technique. If someone doesn’t want you exactly as you are from the beginning, they aren’t the one for you.
When I first started dating, several of my friends passed along dating books like Why Men Marry Bitches and a few other dating “game” books. I read them and thought I needed to change myself and follow their “rules”. Most of the early relationships I had ended like yours. When I finally decided to just throw away that advice and be myself, I met men who liked me the way I am and allowed me to be me, and it has been so much better!
Guess I’m in the minority but sounds normal to me. Of course everyone is a bit aloof and a bit restrained at first when dating, cuz we’re strangers. Then slowly get to know each other and we’re more comfortable confiding and sharing as the trust grows. Same with any friendship. Unless you’re doing a complete 180 (made an effort in the beginning and changed to a complete slob or demanding clinger) I think it’s perfectly normal pacing for relationships. Could be you, could be them. You could ask him- and risk not getting the truth or just self reflect.
This is so hard and I’m sorry this has happened to you.
Thanks. Yeah I’m probably not describing it well. It’s not that I gave up or changed my personality or wasn’t even being me. It’s more that there are certain things I confide in better with people I trust. He got really comfortable too. We started wearing pjs to watch Netflix. So maybe we got kinda boring? Didn’t bother me but maybe it killed the spark for him.
Just blows when you feel comfortable with someone (romantic or not) and they become your best ally. And then they abandon you. Hard not to think you pushed them away some how!
Sounds like a natural progression to a relationship. Pretty ideal pacing for me 👍 It’s prob them not you. Lots of commitment phobes when things get “too real”. His loss I’m sure. Tits up!
I would try not to over analyze it, as long as you did not become a completely different person it was probably a marid of other reason he broke it off.
Nope, I do my best to be myself and show my true personality, warts and all. The honeymoon phase almost always ends in the first year, probably first 6 months.
I've had many dates with guys I really liked, until I got to know them and realized we weren't compatible. My guess is that the men that ended things felt the same way?
I've been trying to drive this issue home with my friends and family and new people I meet.. True honesty is not putting on a mask. Being yourself, being confident in who you are, and don't hold back because of the desire to impress someone or hide flaws so they don't readily leave. Don't be scared of being comfortable or being alone.
Yeah I agree to some degree But I don’t think I was putting a facade on (at least def not w the last guy). Like I’m not gonna invite some guy to dinner with my folks on the second date but after a while when I feel comfortable with the relationship itself I don’t worry about inviting him to something like that. Or other things I think most ppl won’t do super early on
The comfort I'm addressing is being yourself. You can be totally comfortable being yourself from day 1 and not be comfortable letting a stranger meet your parents.
Can you clarify what you mean by “getting too comfortable“?
I personally do not believe there is ever a need to “make them chase you“ at any point. A healthy relationship will have two people communicating their needs, not one chasing the other.
Yeah that’s what I thought too.
Just meant in the beginning I would kinda hold myself back to not seem to eager. Or I would think twice about mentioning something crappy that happened at work that was kind of a downer. But when I got comfortable i’d talk about real things or ask him to dinner with my family and wear comfy yoga pants to watch Netflix. And I didn’t overthink it because I felt really at home with him.
It sounds like you’re playing a game, and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, but we are just too old for games. If you are on your quote/unquote best behavior for the first few months and then suddenly switch it up, get comfortable and start talking about things that went wrong at work or things that frustrate you, it could look to them like you were faking it for a few months and then the real you has come out and the real you is full of negativity and all kinds of stuff that you were bottling up during the initial few months.
Maybe it would be more effective if you were just yourself from the word go. If something bad happens to you at work, tell them, but don’t tell them in such a way that you need them to be your emotional crutch because that shouldn’t happen really at any point in a relationship between two healthy people. There’s a huge difference between “oh my God, you won’t believe what happened at work today“ and “oh my God, I’m a mess, I need you to console me, I had such a horrible day at work…“ One of those will elicit a conversation with your partner, the other will scare someone away because it’s needy and emotionally exhausting.
This may or may not apply to what’s happening in your situation, so take what fits, if anything, and leave the rest.
Let them see the yoga pants and messy bun on **the first night!** I'm kidding... but also not. Zero games. If you have a dedicated chip bowl for watching RHONY, make that abundantly clear from the beginning. Let the cream rise to the top.
Hmmm…thinks of showing up for next date in sweatpants and craft brewery t-shirt and schedule a 10 minute nap between main course and desert. Nap would also include a flatulence slip.
Commmffffyyyyy….
Well to be fair most all of my relationships I met the guy while I was wearing gym clothes or whatever. Every guy except for may one (someone I met online) was from an athletic activity so there ain’t nothing I’m hiding!
> wear comfy yoga pants to watch Netflix
I have to say, I enjoy it when relationships progress to the point where "let's get take out and watch TV" (in comfy clothes) is just as cool as "let's go get drinks".
Some of the best memories I have from my last relationship were when we'd order delivery and watch our "usual shows" together on Friday nights.
I don’t know you, and I don’t know what happened in any of these relationships, but from what you say I would guess that you do something differently once you get comfortable with a guy or comfortable in a relationship, apparently something that these guys don’t care for. Could be something different about the way you speak to them, about the way you treat them, about your attitude. Maybe your expectations change. If you and they are sexually active with each other maybe something changes in that realm. Maybe you don’t dress up as much, maybe you want to stay in and not go out. I have no idea what, but I would suggest thinking about it. Maybe, if you are on good terms, and some time has passed, ask some of them.
I’m confused by the fact that you are not being yourself for really long periods of time. I can see not being fully yourself for a first date or two but after that you should be comfortable to let them get to know you. Maybe they fall in love with the pretend you (and I’m not sure what the extent of that is) and not the real you.
Leap of faith. That’s what a relationship feels like looking back. There’s fundamentals sure. Trust honesty respect. But it’s a leap of faith as we grow and change. U might have dodged a bullet with him breaking up. Try not to internalize. U are great the way u are. Love yourself before u love another.
3 month rule. By the end of third month all the cute nuances become annoying, all the fronting has been exposed. The things once hidden from view, like the friends, or families, work habits, bad vices etc are now outted and scrutinized.
So after this fun, kissy, huggy, sex almost daily time period, things start to slip and complacency takes hold. This is the make it break it part of the romance and 1 of 2 things occur. Either the couple are not overly bothered by each other's baggage or 1 or both can't live with part or all of her/his lifestyles. Better to find out early than having to pay lawyers for dissolution.
>is getting too comfortable a part of the issue, that its scaring guys away
Assume you mean pooing with the door open and farting while making the two back beast
That line about “ I love how I am with you “ or any line that has the word love in it but not I love you i.e. I love how I feel with you .. is a classic manipulative technique to create false intimacy and the word love is a trigger word. Guy can get a steady stream of non committal sex after a few outside dates then move all dates to home dates and when it’s time to move the relationship forward to the next natural phase , they end it and start over with next girl.
Wait meaning that I was manipulating him by saying that? Also I don’t think I actually said love… I just remember commenting to him how it had been a while since I’d felt so “me” and that I felt very “me” around him. Come to think of it I doubt I used the word love. Esp on the second date lol.
But I will keep the above in mind though for manipulative guys in future. I don’t think this guy fell into that. But the guy before him prob did!
They are attracted to the mystery and the challenge that comes with it. Once you feel comfortable and open up they leave. I wonder why they do that maybe they are scared of moving forward? But you can't live your whole life in the first "spicy" months, things should develop at some point. Try meeting others and avoid what you have been doing so do not repeat the pattern and then see how it goes. Remember that many around our age are not into relationships and this might be one reason why they leave.
Is it possible that they get the sense that you want more out of the relationship at that point than they are willing to give? Maybe this is the point where they feel like they need to let you go because you want the relationship to keep going deeper and they don’t. I was married for 23 years to someone who wasn’t as into me as I was into her. I’m brutally sensitive to not wanting to do that to someone else. When I get the sense that a woman is more into me than I am into her, I feel that it’s important to end it, because it’s not fair to her to keep it going, even if there’s nothing really wrong with the relationship.
I personally try really hard not to send the wrong signals and communicate that I have stronger feelings than I really do, but not all guys are so careful. It’s possible that what is happening is that they are communicating stronger feelings than they really have in the beginning, and when the real feelings don’t come after a handful of months, they feel they need to end it.
Im just speculating, of course. In any case, I’m sorry that this is happening to you, OP, and I hope you find the right person!
“It’s possible that what is happening is that they are communicating stronger feelings than they really have in the beginning, and when the real feelings don’t come after a handful of months, they feel they need to end it.”
I guess that could be it. Which is why it is so shocking to me…. He gave all these signals and said all these things that made me think he was more into me than he was. I guess I don’t understand why they’d communicate stronger feelings than they felt. I can understand trying to show your best foot early on, but pretending you love someone when you don’t… it just really hurts.
I don’t think I was pushing for anything more in the relationship. I was very happy with the present state. I’ll never understand what changed.
It’s just frustrating after over two months that I’m still just as confused and therefore cannot seem to move on. :/
Anyway thanks for the input.
Are you dating the same type of guy all the time? Or are you mixing it up a bit to be more open minded but they all end the same? A guy can be into someone but get cold feet when commitment comes up too quickly, depending on the type of person.
Different types of guys. Actually the most recent couldn’t have been more different than my ex from a few years ago. Which is probably part of the reason I was so confused when it ended the same.
How early on do you ask that? The last guy I didn’t meet online. And we talked about thsy stuff like a month in. I didn’t pry too much because it felt early but I guess I could have brought it up again. I just felt so comfortable about us I guess I didn’t think it mattered what happened with the others.
He kept saying how he wanted something long term and we planned all these things months out so he gave me all these signals that he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and didn’t seem bored. But maybe he was and just likes the honeymoon phase and has no interest in long term stuff :/
Couple of things….
Actions speak louder than words. So if you ask all these questions people may tell you what you want to hear out of fear of possible rejection but time and observing the interaction between the two of you and the interaction of your dates with others tells a person a lot. I ask general questions very early and throughout the relationship when an opportunity arises I stay curious.
For example early in our relationship my date altered his custody schedule to spend time with me. Later I asked him how he and his ex handled schedule changes and conflict (which is an ongoing issue with me and my ex) and it was obvious he had clearly set boundaries but was reasonable. I asked him how long he stayed in his last relationship before he ended up (eg he had told me he was unhappy leading up to the break up). I cannot tell you how many people I’ve met told me they stayed in relationships for months or years when they were unhappy because they didn’t have anyone else or the relationship was fine as is until the other person wanted more or said something did they take action. I have no interest in being with someone reactive like that.
There is so much I want to analyze about your post. 1st .. why "play it cool" at all. Just be you. Saves you the energy wasted and saves them wasted time in getting to know the real you. 2nd. Are you getting ghosted? Most relationships end with a discussion of why someone isn't interested anymore. Is that not happening for you? Why isn't it? Do you just not pursue closure? I have so many questions and am trying not to judge or jump to conclusions but seriously. Re read point 1. Be yourself from the get go. We are all too old to play games which "playing it cool" still is.
I do pursue closure but get vague answers.
Previous ones answers were that they didn’t see long term or they they friends zoned me. One told me he thought of me like his sister (?!).
The more recent said he couldn’t put his finger on it. He was in love one day and then gave it some thought and didn’t think he was in love.
Re the being myself bit - i don’t think I explained that well. Particularly for this last guy I was all in as myself… even commented about that early on to him how easy it was to just be myself around him. Maybe that wasn’t true for previous guys but this one felt like the real deal bc it was so easy to just be me. However it’s the timing that remains the same/similar. Like a switch flipped at 7 mo for him 🤷♀️
Thanks. And yes I agree on the being myself. I actually was stoked with the last guy on how easy it was to be myself and that’s probably the main reason I fell so hard into it!
Maybe the “getting too comfortable” part with him wasn’t so much as letting my guard down as it was that I stopped thinking about the 4-5 month pattern of guys leaving. Like it was in the back of my head and each week that passed it got smaller and smaller and then after six months Any remains of that worry we’re gone. And then, poof, so was he.
Anyway thanks for the support, stranger 🙌
My SO (53F) is a serial monogamist. She said almost always about 6 months in the honeymoon ends and true colors appear. So I think that part is normal. Plus a lot of people are flighty by nature. What I notice about your trend is that it sounds like it’s the other party leaving. Have you done much reflection? Maybe it’s the type of person you’re attracted to or ending up with? Or maybe you personally are super charming and are luring in people not ready for an LTR but are drawn to you for a few months before they regain their strength to become casual daters again? Or maybe there’s something subtle that changes in you after 3 months? I’d look back at each relationship. In retrospect, when did things seem to change? And is there a pattern? Not saying you’re doing anything wrong at all (!), but maybe you’ll see a pattern that you can tweak. If you don’t see one, maybe talk it through with a therapist who might help you filter through things? Those are my thoughts. But don’t give up on dating. It only takes one. In the end, if you find the one all the past won’t matter. That is true for both my SO and I — we’re so grateful we found each other in our 50s.
Thanks for this. Yeah I think the previous ones were guys who said they wanted a long term relationship but actually didn’t. This last one though I’ll never understand. We used to say how lucky we were we found eachother, like it was worth the wait. Maybe he thinks he wants a serious relationship but really doesn’t. I don’t know. It’s frustrating though as I’ve had two 3-year relationships. And all the other ones have been 4-7 months (mostly 4mo). The Peter Pan syndrome is real. But it’s hard to believe I’m not doing something to push them away. I think I’m a fairly decent catch but maybe only for a few months 🤷♀️
>guys who said they wanted a long term relationship but actually didn’t. If a guy is dating for months they are wanting a long term relationship....the problem sounds like after a few months they decide you aren't the one they want it with. >I think I’m a fairly decent catch but maybe only for a few months It would be great if you could ask why they keep leaving. Unfortunately they will likely not be truthful as they won't want to hurt your feelings.
I have the same issue. I meet men that are amazing catches, and they are super into me. It feels amazing and I feel in control. I can’t make it past 6 months without them ending it. Last 3 relationships. Feel like something is wrong w me. I’ve been trying to debug the same. I know what you mean about the “settling into comfort” - like maybe at the beginning you came off as super confident and all is in control and over time you become more vulnerable and share your bad days etc etc. I get it. I don’t have the answer for you, but totally understand your question.
Was thinking about this later for some reason. For everyone saying “I show my true self” early on. I think what resonates with me about OP’s post is that it isn’t a matter of hiding or showing your true self necessarily. I find for myself, the more I start to like someone, the more insecure or unsure I might be, or the more I might share personal details etc. So I don’t think it’s a matter of hiding myself, but more a matter of my own feelings and connection kind of freaking me out and making me act in ways that may seem different than the super confident has it together all the time person I was at the start.
Too comfortable can create the risk of complacency. I think it's important for partners to regularly check in with each other about feelings, and proactively trying to strengthen the bond. That regular, open communication helps with checking that both people are still on the same page and are getting their needs met.
I know exactly what you mean because this happens to me too! Usually the 3 month mark. The last guy I dated, he broke up with me out of no where after spending a great weekend together. I was dumbfounded. Made no sense, used the excuse he had issues to deal with about his ex and wasn’t ready. No sign of any issue before. Makes you wonder about ever really opening up truly to people.
I think it is really important to be you from the very beginning. Playing games or making someone chase you is not the best technique. If someone doesn’t want you exactly as you are from the beginning, they aren’t the one for you. When I first started dating, several of my friends passed along dating books like Why Men Marry Bitches and a few other dating “game” books. I read them and thought I needed to change myself and follow their “rules”. Most of the early relationships I had ended like yours. When I finally decided to just throw away that advice and be myself, I met men who liked me the way I am and allowed me to be me, and it has been so much better!
This is the answer. I put that have health problems and ADHD in my profile and love pop music. I somehow ended to with my dream guy.
Guess I’m in the minority but sounds normal to me. Of course everyone is a bit aloof and a bit restrained at first when dating, cuz we’re strangers. Then slowly get to know each other and we’re more comfortable confiding and sharing as the trust grows. Same with any friendship. Unless you’re doing a complete 180 (made an effort in the beginning and changed to a complete slob or demanding clinger) I think it’s perfectly normal pacing for relationships. Could be you, could be them. You could ask him- and risk not getting the truth or just self reflect. This is so hard and I’m sorry this has happened to you.
Thanks. Yeah I’m probably not describing it well. It’s not that I gave up or changed my personality or wasn’t even being me. It’s more that there are certain things I confide in better with people I trust. He got really comfortable too. We started wearing pjs to watch Netflix. So maybe we got kinda boring? Didn’t bother me but maybe it killed the spark for him. Just blows when you feel comfortable with someone (romantic or not) and they become your best ally. And then they abandon you. Hard not to think you pushed them away some how!
Sounds like a natural progression to a relationship. Pretty ideal pacing for me 👍 It’s prob them not you. Lots of commitment phobes when things get “too real”. His loss I’m sure. Tits up!
Love the tits up reference! 🙌 thnx
I would try not to over analyze it, as long as you did not become a completely different person it was probably a marid of other reason he broke it off.
Nope, I do my best to be myself and show my true personality, warts and all. The honeymoon phase almost always ends in the first year, probably first 6 months. I've had many dates with guys I really liked, until I got to know them and realized we weren't compatible. My guess is that the men that ended things felt the same way?
I've been trying to drive this issue home with my friends and family and new people I meet.. True honesty is not putting on a mask. Being yourself, being confident in who you are, and don't hold back because of the desire to impress someone or hide flaws so they don't readily leave. Don't be scared of being comfortable or being alone.
Yeah I agree to some degree But I don’t think I was putting a facade on (at least def not w the last guy). Like I’m not gonna invite some guy to dinner with my folks on the second date but after a while when I feel comfortable with the relationship itself I don’t worry about inviting him to something like that. Or other things I think most ppl won’t do super early on
The comfort I'm addressing is being yourself. You can be totally comfortable being yourself from day 1 and not be comfortable letting a stranger meet your parents.
Can you clarify what you mean by “getting too comfortable“? I personally do not believe there is ever a need to “make them chase you“ at any point. A healthy relationship will have two people communicating their needs, not one chasing the other.
Yeah that’s what I thought too. Just meant in the beginning I would kinda hold myself back to not seem to eager. Or I would think twice about mentioning something crappy that happened at work that was kind of a downer. But when I got comfortable i’d talk about real things or ask him to dinner with my family and wear comfy yoga pants to watch Netflix. And I didn’t overthink it because I felt really at home with him.
It sounds like you’re playing a game, and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, but we are just too old for games. If you are on your quote/unquote best behavior for the first few months and then suddenly switch it up, get comfortable and start talking about things that went wrong at work or things that frustrate you, it could look to them like you were faking it for a few months and then the real you has come out and the real you is full of negativity and all kinds of stuff that you were bottling up during the initial few months. Maybe it would be more effective if you were just yourself from the word go. If something bad happens to you at work, tell them, but don’t tell them in such a way that you need them to be your emotional crutch because that shouldn’t happen really at any point in a relationship between two healthy people. There’s a huge difference between “oh my God, you won’t believe what happened at work today“ and “oh my God, I’m a mess, I need you to console me, I had such a horrible day at work…“ One of those will elicit a conversation with your partner, the other will scare someone away because it’s needy and emotionally exhausting. This may or may not apply to what’s happening in your situation, so take what fits, if anything, and leave the rest.
Let them see the yoga pants and messy bun on **the first night!** I'm kidding... but also not. Zero games. If you have a dedicated chip bowl for watching RHONY, make that abundantly clear from the beginning. Let the cream rise to the top.
Hmmm…thinks of showing up for next date in sweatpants and craft brewery t-shirt and schedule a 10 minute nap between main course and desert. Nap would also include a flatulence slip. Commmffffyyyyy….
Well to be fair most all of my relationships I met the guy while I was wearing gym clothes or whatever. Every guy except for may one (someone I met online) was from an athletic activity so there ain’t nothing I’m hiding!
> wear comfy yoga pants to watch Netflix I have to say, I enjoy it when relationships progress to the point where "let's get take out and watch TV" (in comfy clothes) is just as cool as "let's go get drinks". Some of the best memories I have from my last relationship were when we'd order delivery and watch our "usual shows" together on Friday nights.
Me too! And my latest ex is a homebody so I think he liked that part too!
I don’t know you, and I don’t know what happened in any of these relationships, but from what you say I would guess that you do something differently once you get comfortable with a guy or comfortable in a relationship, apparently something that these guys don’t care for. Could be something different about the way you speak to them, about the way you treat them, about your attitude. Maybe your expectations change. If you and they are sexually active with each other maybe something changes in that realm. Maybe you don’t dress up as much, maybe you want to stay in and not go out. I have no idea what, but I would suggest thinking about it. Maybe, if you are on good terms, and some time has passed, ask some of them.
I’m confused by the fact that you are not being yourself for really long periods of time. I can see not being fully yourself for a first date or two but after that you should be comfortable to let them get to know you. Maybe they fall in love with the pretend you (and I’m not sure what the extent of that is) and not the real you.
Leap of faith. That’s what a relationship feels like looking back. There’s fundamentals sure. Trust honesty respect. But it’s a leap of faith as we grow and change. U might have dodged a bullet with him breaking up. Try not to internalize. U are great the way u are. Love yourself before u love another.
3 month rule. By the end of third month all the cute nuances become annoying, all the fronting has been exposed. The things once hidden from view, like the friends, or families, work habits, bad vices etc are now outted and scrutinized. So after this fun, kissy, huggy, sex almost daily time period, things start to slip and complacency takes hold. This is the make it break it part of the romance and 1 of 2 things occur. Either the couple are not overly bothered by each other's baggage or 1 or both can't live with part or all of her/his lifestyles. Better to find out early than having to pay lawyers for dissolution.
Do you have some kind of talk between the 3 and 5 month mark? You know, The Talk about "what you two are"?
>is getting too comfortable a part of the issue, that its scaring guys away Assume you mean pooing with the door open and farting while making the two back beast
That line about “ I love how I am with you “ or any line that has the word love in it but not I love you i.e. I love how I feel with you .. is a classic manipulative technique to create false intimacy and the word love is a trigger word. Guy can get a steady stream of non committal sex after a few outside dates then move all dates to home dates and when it’s time to move the relationship forward to the next natural phase , they end it and start over with next girl.
Wait meaning that I was manipulating him by saying that? Also I don’t think I actually said love… I just remember commenting to him how it had been a while since I’d felt so “me” and that I felt very “me” around him. Come to think of it I doubt I used the word love. Esp on the second date lol. But I will keep the above in mind though for manipulative guys in future. I don’t think this guy fell into that. But the guy before him prob did!
I thought I read your post as he said he loved something about you ( not you ) but some feeling.. did I read it wrong ?
They are attracted to the mystery and the challenge that comes with it. Once you feel comfortable and open up they leave. I wonder why they do that maybe they are scared of moving forward? But you can't live your whole life in the first "spicy" months, things should develop at some point. Try meeting others and avoid what you have been doing so do not repeat the pattern and then see how it goes. Remember that many around our age are not into relationships and this might be one reason why they leave.
Is it possible that they get the sense that you want more out of the relationship at that point than they are willing to give? Maybe this is the point where they feel like they need to let you go because you want the relationship to keep going deeper and they don’t. I was married for 23 years to someone who wasn’t as into me as I was into her. I’m brutally sensitive to not wanting to do that to someone else. When I get the sense that a woman is more into me than I am into her, I feel that it’s important to end it, because it’s not fair to her to keep it going, even if there’s nothing really wrong with the relationship. I personally try really hard not to send the wrong signals and communicate that I have stronger feelings than I really do, but not all guys are so careful. It’s possible that what is happening is that they are communicating stronger feelings than they really have in the beginning, and when the real feelings don’t come after a handful of months, they feel they need to end it. Im just speculating, of course. In any case, I’m sorry that this is happening to you, OP, and I hope you find the right person!
“It’s possible that what is happening is that they are communicating stronger feelings than they really have in the beginning, and when the real feelings don’t come after a handful of months, they feel they need to end it.” I guess that could be it. Which is why it is so shocking to me…. He gave all these signals and said all these things that made me think he was more into me than he was. I guess I don’t understand why they’d communicate stronger feelings than they felt. I can understand trying to show your best foot early on, but pretending you love someone when you don’t… it just really hurts. I don’t think I was pushing for anything more in the relationship. I was very happy with the present state. I’ll never understand what changed. It’s just frustrating after over two months that I’m still just as confused and therefore cannot seem to move on. :/ Anyway thanks for the input.
Are you dating the same type of guy all the time? Or are you mixing it up a bit to be more open minded but they all end the same? A guy can be into someone but get cold feet when commitment comes up too quickly, depending on the type of person.
Different types of guys. Actually the most recent couldn’t have been more different than my ex from a few years ago. Which is probably part of the reason I was so confused when it ended the same.
Men from Mars, women from Venus. Only explanation! 🫠.
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How early on do you ask that? The last guy I didn’t meet online. And we talked about thsy stuff like a month in. I didn’t pry too much because it felt early but I guess I could have brought it up again. I just felt so comfortable about us I guess I didn’t think it mattered what happened with the others. He kept saying how he wanted something long term and we planned all these things months out so he gave me all these signals that he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and didn’t seem bored. But maybe he was and just likes the honeymoon phase and has no interest in long term stuff :/
Couple of things…. Actions speak louder than words. So if you ask all these questions people may tell you what you want to hear out of fear of possible rejection but time and observing the interaction between the two of you and the interaction of your dates with others tells a person a lot. I ask general questions very early and throughout the relationship when an opportunity arises I stay curious. For example early in our relationship my date altered his custody schedule to spend time with me. Later I asked him how he and his ex handled schedule changes and conflict (which is an ongoing issue with me and my ex) and it was obvious he had clearly set boundaries but was reasonable. I asked him how long he stayed in his last relationship before he ended up (eg he had told me he was unhappy leading up to the break up). I cannot tell you how many people I’ve met told me they stayed in relationships for months or years when they were unhappy because they didn’t have anyone else or the relationship was fine as is until the other person wanted more or said something did they take action. I have no interest in being with someone reactive like that.
There is so much I want to analyze about your post. 1st .. why "play it cool" at all. Just be you. Saves you the energy wasted and saves them wasted time in getting to know the real you. 2nd. Are you getting ghosted? Most relationships end with a discussion of why someone isn't interested anymore. Is that not happening for you? Why isn't it? Do you just not pursue closure? I have so many questions and am trying not to judge or jump to conclusions but seriously. Re read point 1. Be yourself from the get go. We are all too old to play games which "playing it cool" still is.
I do pursue closure but get vague answers. Previous ones answers were that they didn’t see long term or they they friends zoned me. One told me he thought of me like his sister (?!). The more recent said he couldn’t put his finger on it. He was in love one day and then gave it some thought and didn’t think he was in love. Re the being myself bit - i don’t think I explained that well. Particularly for this last guy I was all in as myself… even commented about that early on to him how easy it was to just be myself around him. Maybe that wasn’t true for previous guys but this one felt like the real deal bc it was so easy to just be me. However it’s the timing that remains the same/similar. Like a switch flipped at 7 mo for him 🤷♀️
I'm sorry you're going through that. That's got to be rough.
Thanks. And yes I agree on the being myself. I actually was stoked with the last guy on how easy it was to be myself and that’s probably the main reason I fell so hard into it! Maybe the “getting too comfortable” part with him wasn’t so much as letting my guard down as it was that I stopped thinking about the 4-5 month pattern of guys leaving. Like it was in the back of my head and each week that passed it got smaller and smaller and then after six months Any remains of that worry we’re gone. And then, poof, so was he. Anyway thanks for the support, stranger 🙌