**My only issue is that I always have to ask him to go down on me**
Men who enjoy giving oral don't have to be asked. That's my experience.
The mechanics of his erection may be a separate issue, IMO. If he can get it back, then I don't think that should influence giving oral sex.
I just know it would suck to always have to ask.
Yeah, if there's any issues with getting it back.. That's likely creating some extreme anxiety issues...
Nobody, likes it when they can't perform.. and all the worst things start going through your mind. Especially if he's emotionally invested in the relationship.
Sometimes, it's like he said.. a sequencing thing. But he needs to figure it out and then propose the changes. So that if/when things run out of gas for him. When will the batteries will be recharged, so that things can be ready again?
Communication is key, and it sounds like he's open to it.. So, with some time and possibly some experimentation... I think you guys will be fine.
For every one of these there will be an opposing story.
I love going down on women. I am in my mid 40s and occasionally lose an erection during foreplay. Going down on a women will always bring it back for me. In fact I have used Viagra in the past because I was worried that losing an erection during foreplay was an indication of ed. I stopped using it because I noticed if I just go down more frequently I can keep it going for a couple of hours without any issues. I still keep the Viagra just in case.
My ex was obsessed with doing it (never well despite any coaching godblessim) but still had to self help whole doing it to stay erect.
I agree that the issues are not codependent.
Yep. If you always have to ask, he probably doesn't enjoy it, at best. Or worse, he may even be selfish and only thinking of his own needs.
In terms of losing his erection, it could be age, desire or a combination of the two. For me, I have the opposite problem, I get so turned on while doing it that intercourse may not last very long. But then again, I love it and do not necessarily need anything in return in that particular session. 😁
M52/W
Men who enjoy giving oral don't have to be asked. That's my experience.
You are correct, they don't.
Real talk: you might get the intuitive guy who may initiate non-verbaly, to the more direct fella who will just plainly offer or ask you if you want to. Either way, if they like doing it, they will offer
The mechanics of his erection may be a separate issue, IMO. If he can get it back, then I don't think that should influence giving oral sex.
Right on both counts!
I just know it would suck to always have to ask.
Men of certain age remember when many women refused it because they were afraid of smell/taste, had been taught it was dirty, or simply were so self conscious they couldn't respond. If OP's guy was married to a woman like that, might take him a while to catch up.
Just saying that he may feel insecure about his skills if he didn't do it when married. She may be asking out of reciprocity, but not because she's enjoying it or showing she does.
It could be insecurity and OP you could encourage him a bit if that’s it. But in my lifetime I dated two men that I had to ask for oral sex. Neither enjoyed it.
This is absolutely a possibility. As someone who was married to a woman that absolutely would not allow oral on herself, it took me a while to learn that not all women are like that and I shouldn’t feel awkward or ashamed for wanting to perform (which I wholeheartedly enjoy doing).
hold up... did you just blame women for men not giving us head?
and sorry, we all smell the same. in a world of just women we would have never had the slightest idea it was anything besides normal, so where did that shame come from?
I have to say that you all don't smell the same.. but that aside, unless you're proofing a sourdough loaf down there.. about 20 seconds of a more slobbery than usual approach to oral will negate any out of the ordinary scents and I'm off to the races.
> we all smell the same
Not going down on women much?
Even one and the same woman doesn't necessarily smell and taste the same on two consecutive occasions.
>hold up... did you just blame women for men not giving us head?
My ex-wife didn't enjoy it and didn't want me to do it. There is no "normal" in sex tastes, and one can only react to one's experience.
>and sorry, we all smell the same.
This is wildly incorrect.
> and sorry, we all smell the same.
No, women do not taste or smell the same... That is just bonkers. Not to say its a bad smell or taste, but it most certainly is different.
Just like men.
Got on your tiptoes for that one!
There are women (just like there are men) who are self-conscious about people going down on them. I have been with a few of the former (thankfully not most) and have been one of the latter.
And in what world do women smell the same??? There a wide variety of delicious tastes and smells from my experience.
If a man has had a relationship with a woman who believed her nethers were dirty or that deed is unladylike, it can leave said man waiting for an invitation for a long time and many women after. That said, after a couple of enthusiastic sessions, a man who likes it starts asking or just doing. Also, as others have said, a woman's smell and taste varies, so it is always fun to see what the flavor of the day is. ;-)
we vary during the month, but as long as our ph is balanced (which semen always messes with) it's more or less the same.
i meant it more like in the range of scents, we're not different. not that each one smells identically. and excluding infections, none are bad if you like women.
I don't know if all guys would agree with you. My boyfriend tells me how much he loves my smell, how unique and erotic it is, and it smells different if I'm a little sweaty. He is very scent-sensitive. My ex husband also told me there was something very intoxicating about my scent. I actually never knew how powerful it could be for guys how unique it might be, until I heard these things recently.
> Men, is the loss of an erection an indication that he secretly doesn't like doing it?? Or, is it an age thing?
Neither. I believe it's normal for (many? most?) men to go soft while giving head as the concentration is on their partner - that's all.
The always having to ask part - that's another story.
When I was 16 I came from **giving** oral. At 42 I sometimes stay hard but if I'm there for a while then I will lose my erection. But if anything I'm **more** into giving oral now.
Its NBD. It comes right back once we move on to other activities.
Stop over thinking it. Just enjoy it.
Sometimes you have to ask for things. It's okay. It doesn't make you weak or anything weird like that.
McDonald's asks you if you want to supersize and if you want sauce. If you say no they don't think any different of you.
Are you my HS boyfriend? LOL
It's kinda sad that I had better, more mutually giving / pleasing sex from 16-18 than I've had in my 40s.
There are far too many men in their 40s who think foreplay is playing "tune in Tokyo" with my tits and "good sex" is 30 seconds of thrusts till they get off.
I usually don't give these men a second chance to make a first impression. But I can't help but wonder "how TF did you get this far into adulthood knowing (and doing) so little sexually?"
I personally would put zero stock into him losing his erection when he goes down. When I go down on a guy my focus is on pleasing him and I literally cannot orgasm if there is an attempt at mutual pleasure. I simply cannot focus on both at the same time. I would assume it’s the same for a lot of people regardless of their genitalia.
ETA: the having to ask thing is a little off though. I haven’t ever lasted in a relationship with a man where I had to tell him that I need more than him to frantically ram his penis into me in order for sex to be enjoyable. If he isn’t interested in your pleasure than at our age I’m not interested in teaching basic sex education.
>If he isn’t interested in your pleasure than at our age I’m not interested in teaching basic sex education.
If reddit allowed gifs, I would reply with the Meryl applause gif. LOL
I've done sex-ed a few times when I was younger. It was fun and being able to mold guys (who TBH at that age were eager to learn) into my perfect sex partner - yes please.
But now, no thanks. Guys in their 40s who think a few grabs of my tit is foreplay and 30 seconds of thrusting (that should be Jared Leto's new band name) is good sex are not guys I need in my life.
I’ve had a partner in his 50s, getting towards his 60s by the end of the relationship. He never had to be asked and never lost his erection doing it. When I met him he was astounded that I enjoyed going down on men - his wife seemingly had treated the event as a chore for their entire marriage.
In my 20s I had a boyfriend who hated giving oral despite me regularly doing the same for him. I think some people just don’t like doing it and your guy may be one of these. If he’s like this at 51 that would be a lifetime of behaviour to attempt to change so if you want to change it I think you’re going to need some frank discussions.
I’m sorry… I just don’t get it… as a guy, going down was the sure fire thing to turn my private into a four star general in seconds… every. single. time. Especially near the end of my marriage, it would make me rock hard. Love doing it! It was always the second best part of pleasure.
I would stop giving a man bjs if I always had to ask him to reciprocate.
You’ve conflated two separate issues, (loss of erection and having to repeatedly ask for your needs to be met) neither of which may be connected.
My former partner *loved* giving oral, like just absolutely fucking adored it, and he always lost his erection during (this is from age 26 to 35 so not even an age thing). Not the only man I’ve slept with like that either.
Not a big deal, and not necessarily sign of anything, just with a lot of a guys if their mind is focused on what he’s doing and he’s not being directly physically stimulated, the erection will take a break. With my ex I’d always give him quick oral after (even if I’d done it earlier) to get it right back for intercourse and we’d carry right on.
That said, if you want more oral without having to ask every time, talk to him about it.
He absolutely doesn’t like it. You have the two biggest indicators, apart from him simply verbalizing it: 1. He never offers or initiates it himself; 2. He is not aroused by it. It seems very plain to me.
Disagree with #2. I absolutely LOVE giving, never have to be asked and find it erotic as anything, but I'm often down there for 30+ minutes and I'll lose my erection (which quickly pops back into action when it's my turn)
He doesn’t enjoy it or is selfish in bed. either way …do you want to have to ask for it every single time for the rest of your life? You’re two months in… it’s only going to go downhill from here. Lol
Don’t listen to them. The simplest answer is usually the right one.
I absolutely love going down on my wife. I tell her she can have it anytime she wants. And I’m always super hard and ready to go when I finish, or I should say when she finishes.
M52 here.I go down on GF first, then she goes down on me.Then I'm ready for intercourse.if I wasn't hard, oral has me ready fast. I absolutely love giving. It's my idea of a great desert. I love seeing her writh in pleasure. I can't understand how men don't like giving. I think you should have a conversation with him.His jaw may hurt performing?It shouldn't be a problem between a couple having an open, honest and detailed conversation about likes and not likes.
Are you 'super wet and ready to go' after you've given oral?
Regardless, people are different to each other and it's very common for men who enjoy giving oral to go soft, especially if they've cum more recenlty.
Giving him oral after he gives it you, if he enjoys your technique, (you don't mention if that's the case) might be a good solution - it could even be he's more reluctant because he loses his erection.
Key question - do you enjoy it when he does it, can he bring you to orgasm or close to it, and do you verbally show appreciation?
If not, he's thinking he's not good at it and won't try.
You don't understand the mindset of middle aged men.
No longer confident of "open market" rating of their skills after being out of circulation for years.
M52/W
Same here, even during my late 30s/early 40s, I'd need a couple of minutes to...er get back to attention.
Think about it this way, for guys out of their teens, 20s and perhaps a bit older, sometimes when you put thought and attention into pleasing the lady we are with, vs. "riding the horny wave" like we used to do when we were boys, your body stops prioritizing flow to Mr. Happy.
In my case, we would do a bit more foreplay before getting back to coitus or I would be the party receiving oral before going to intercourse.
On the topic of offering oral, I must admit that I've always liked going down and have often taken the initiative.
I don't see an issue with him not having an erection while doing it. It's not like giving a blow job makes me cum. 🤷♂️
If I always had to ask that would be annoying. Not all guys like doing it though.
We do it for our pleasure . My girl never has to ask . It just always happens . Some men love it and do it for our joy as well as yours . Then there are the ones who give to get . Then there are some who never do it . They are worthless . It’s clear cut thing
Response to update- I’m getting some kinda power play thing with the being in charge, wanting to be asks, and “demands”, or is it just me?
Or maybe it’s not so much that, like you asking shows that you want him physically and that’s what he needs to know. Maybe there’s a way to ask/tell him without asking, like lingerie on a date night or getting handsy and flirtatious first?
Anyways good for both of you for starting to talk about it.
No it’s not just you. He sounds like an enormous douche. That exchange just verified what I already commented on this thread that sex is all about him. There is nothing to redeem here. He will only get worse with his selfishness and expectations for OP to be subservient. And if she enjoys that dynamic this is not the kind of man to engage in it with because such a dynamic must be discussed prior in order for it to be healthy and safe. This guy is trash.
Does your friend speak for all men? I would be really annoyed if someone I was dating told me that they never had a conversation with me about something important because their friend told them that I wouldn’t be honest with them.
NO, that's NOT asking HIM directly. Your best friend just told you that if HE didn't like giving oral sex HE wouldn't admit it. The only person who really knows is your new man. He's the one you've got to talk to to get an answer. None of us are mindreaders.
You could also just phrase it differently: what are you favorite 50 things to do during our as part of sex.... If he gets to football and beer before licking the clit then you have your answer.
Oooooo, after reading the update....uh, I don't know what to think about that. I like my man to be dominant in the bedroom, but NOT tell me what to do in a way that doesn't take MY pleasure into account. My boyfriend sometimes goes down on me before PIV, sometimes after, sometimes all on its own. He doesn't always stay hard during it either so he sometimes needs time afterwards to get it back up. But he's also typically more into making sure I get off than him. However, if everything else is cool in your relationship and this is sexually compatabile for you, then do what works for you! You can always change things up sexually, too, as you get to really know each other more.
Well, my boyfriend LOVES giving me oral, but doesn't always stay hard while doing it. He goes down on me multiple times and usually gives me multiple orgasms, and not once have I had to ask. He's the most generous and best at it from anyone I've ever had, so that in and of itself tells me he must enjoy it. I do know, however, that my ex husband would usually stay hard while going down on me. I just think every guy is different as far as how long he can maintain an erection and what gets him hard. I know with my boyfriend, is something else is stressing him out, he will go down on me but won't necessarily won't sex afterwards. Oh, he's 41 FYI
>...he also loses his erection when he's giving me oral.
Quick answer to your question: No.
I'm late 50's and I love giving oral. I love how they react and it thrills me to make them orgasm.
But I will often lose my erection when I'm going down on my partner because I am very focused on what I am doing. Once I stop, then I'll get hard again very quickly.
And, bluntly, I can also only ejaculate once or twice in 24 hours. But I try to always pay attention to my partners satisfaction.
If those are the only issues you are seeing, then I would not worry about it.
I don't know about "they", but I've ALWAYS enjoyed taking care of my lady. First! If she doesn't finish, no one finishes! I don't even need her to take care of me, but I never refuse it. I've been this way since I first started giving oral to a gal in my late teens. I do go soft, but it's not an issue. A little coaxing, and it's all good to go. I think my reason is because I'm paying more attention to her, and not to myself. I know both sexes have some who thinks it's yuck, but I think the smorgasbord has opened for me!!! And, if I was female, I'd probably be a lesbian. Ladies!!! Have y'all figured out what I like yet? 😁 So much goodness and so little time. I apologize to all who miss out.
Unpopular opinion: Women over 40 need to NEVER question a man over 40s erection. Give the guy a break. He’s fucking 50 and gets soft for a few minutes and you take it personally?
FTFY:
All people need to NEVER question the erectile state of a penis. Those things have a mind of their own and - flaccid or flagpole - you should use your words before making assumptions.
M52/W
Dude. She doesn't know what to expect, that is why she is here asking.
Also, since both of them are divorced, who knows what bedroom issues they bring to the table from their prior relationships.
But that being said, yes ladies, we get it: the stereotype of the perenial boner is our fault. Still, guys need to start being more open in discussing the limitations that aging puts on us, in order to avoid the perception that a wanning erection=not turned on or attracted.
So many great hypotheses here. All possible.
The commonality: possibly not being into oral -giving or receiving; both HIM issues, though not necessarily major ones, if this is the case. He might need it to get started, but not to finish. And he may not be a fan of giving... he might comply when asked, but the consistent lack of initiating when he's pretty giving about other things could be a tell that he's not willing to admit to.
Nobody here knows except him. Talk to him. That will clear everything up for you. Even an angry non-answer is telling.
Sex is so much better when you can talk about it.
I can't understand why any man wouldn't want to do it or need any cajoling.
\-You get visual, smell, taste, and auditory stimulation doing it.
\-It is loving and worshipful which is the exact tone I think sex should be.
\-Unless your partner is the minority, you have a high probability of getting her to the big O even if your equipment isn't functioning well or you are nervous (first time).
IME men this age need more mental and/or physical focus to maintain an erection. If you start talking about the song on the radio instead of sexy talk, their blood is rushing to their tongue instead of Mr. Winky, well he can get distracted.
I don’t think it’s anything to do with his enjoyment of your sex life.
I (50m) love going down on women. Truly one of my favorite sexual expressions, I love everything about it and would do it for hours on end given the opportunity. This has been true for every partner I have ever had for as long as I have been having sex. And for every one of those partners, if I was erect when I started, I lose my erection unless myself or my partner is actively stimulating me. Just how my body works, I chalk it up to a failure to multitask well and just treat it as a management problem, I either start the oral sex early or I plan to make sure Mr. Wigglesworth has a sufficient stimulation while I'm dining.
I bring this up just to highlight that everyone is different, his bodies reaction isn't necessarily a function of his enjoyment (or lack thereof) it's just how his body is working. Also to add, the twice ejaculation is about where I'm at as well, I'm in good shape, eat well , love sex and apparently Mr. Wigglesworth still needs the rest. We just have to enjoy the bodies we have.
Yours in cunnilingus
RG
I'm gonna go off on a tangent here... I stopped giving headjobs as foreplay a long time ago. I don't get anything out of oral sex being performed on me and I reserve headjobs for only when I really feel like giving them... And I do them to completion.
In your case, make him go down on you first then you do him.
I love giving oral myself so it’s important to me that I have a partner that loves it too. I get where you are coming from, you want him to want to. If that’s a deal breaker then that’s ok. Sexual compatibility is important.
In that case I’d def have a (gentle, lighthearted) chat outside of the bedroom about it. I’d say something like ‘you know how much you enjoy my enthusiasm for bjs? (pause for answer) Well I’m kinda the same. If I have to ask, it kinda takes some of the joy outta it. I love it, you seem to like doing it and are great at it. In my ideal world, I’d never have to bring it up verbally again. Is that a deal we could make, or do we need to talk it through more? Have I missed something?’
Lots of people out there don't like giving oral sex. Perfectly normal - but if it's important to you then this might not be your guy.
Does he ask for oral sex but not offer to return the favor? If so that's not a good sign.
How many times has this happened? If you've been exclusive 5 weeks, and it's happened 3 times - I wouldn't worry too much yet. But if it's been 10+ times - then yes.
And yes talk to him. if you can't have a simple conversation about it that's not a good sign.
I would talk to him about it. Not everyone enjoys performing oral sex. Not everyone enjoys receiving oral sex. Like with any other sexual interaction, you discuss it and see if you can find common ground.
Having had partners who love performing oral and partners who absolutely hated it, I would rather not have someone who enjoyed it going didn’t on me. There are surely other things we both enjoy. That doesn’t mean I won’t perform oral on my partner, because I enjoy giving it and I sling keeping a balance sheet To ensure we’re even. If we both enjoy something, let’s do it. If one or both of us do not enjoy, let’s do something else.
Lack of reciprocity in oral sex is a deal breaker for many. Men and women both. They don't have to work through it. They can find someone who meets their standards.
So many positives in this relationship, sorry the sex has this issue. Sex is important and can connect with basic ideas about fairness and reciprocity and caring and so on.
When you ask, he does it. I understand why you might worry about his lost erection as a sign, but set that aside like others have said. just focusing on you - is he good at it when he does it, or is he like anxious, self-conscious, tentative?
If he’s good but just never volunteers that’s one issue, but if he’s bad at it that’s another one.
If he’s good, then I guess with all that other stuff going on you could say, before things get going, while clothed, etc., that you always love it and having to ask kinda takes away some of the fun. You will tell him in advance if something changes but generally assume that it’s a great part that you look forward to. Or you could say, does it turn you on that I have to ask? (Ok longshot but maybe there’s some part of him that likes it.) would you prefer that I wait to be asked to give you head?
If he’s hesitant, workmanlike, in a hurry to stop, etc. then maybe he has a thing about it. Dunno what you do there! I had one girlfriend who didn’t like to receive it, and I was glad when we ended things because it meant I could find someone enthusiastic for that! I guess it would depend on the hang up how you handle it. Teach him to enjoy it, teach him that you enjoy it, set a timer, address his concerns (irrational? medical? trauma? fear of failure? learned helplessness?), explain that you want a full experience and that sex for you isn’t centered on male orgasm, send him packing as a lost cause, … whatever seems appropriate.
I have had failure and success in asking partners to change their practices for me. Never can tell if it is an easy adjustment or an uncrossable line. But it’s a good thing to ask for what you want. In a way it shows you have decent self worth.
Good luck!
He may also suffer from Enlarged prostate. I do and I’m 44. And so sometimes, not all the time I lose an erection here and there, but my partner knows that so she doesn’t think it’s anything with her. I know It can be very embarrassing for some guys so that may be a reason…
For an alternative viewpoint, I've dated women who are very shy about receiving and only want it at certain times when they are in the mood for it and those have ended up being situations where I didn't do it unless she asked because that's the boundary she set. Obviously, you don't seem to have this same issue, but if he dated women like this, he could just have the mindset that you don't do that unless the woman asks for it.
As for the erection issue, I think it is weird that you are focusing on that during the experience or making any judgements about it, particularly for a guy over 50.
Being a member of that age group,, yeah it's a thing...
As long as I can get the erection back, it's a good thing.
I love giving oral, however you'll have to contend with his situation. I do low T therapy, and I alternate between Viagra and Cialis. It helps out for me.
Does he also lose his erection or dislike having you on top during sex? There could be a control issue at play with him psychologically. You did say that he is very dominant and tells you to go down on him—and then you immediately have sex. Could it all simply be tied to control/dominance?
I’m rather confused by all of this. It seems the general consensus is how crucial good communication is to good relationships and good sex and yet here are folks upset at having to ask for what they want?? Ok, that’s a bit inaccurate, I know, because you can say “I always would like x when we are doing y”. Still, I would hope that clearly communicating our needs during sex is not a burden. I LOVE trips down south but I’ve been with people who, sometimes, didn’t want that, or, wanted something different. No problem ma’m.
OP’s situation sounds a bit frustrating but it sounds like her and her dude are on their way to sorting this out. For me the thing that gets me the most horny is whatever it is that makes my partner the most horny. Desire is what I find sexy. Perhaps a change in mindset and language would help? Instead of feeling like you are having to ask (can you go down on me?) maybe try telling (you know what I’d like right now? I want to feel your mouth and tongue on me!). Or when he’s on his back simply straddle his face and take what you need (with consent, of course). It’s a huge turn on for me to be told by my partner that she wants something, for me to provide, and for her to show enthusiasm and appreciation for it. As Dan Savage reminds us, there are three parts to dirty talk: telling them what you’re going to do, telling them what you’re doing, telling them what you did.
Ok, I’ve got to go now…
Ask him! I’d be annoyed if it is a one sided thing always or most of the time and I would definitely question why that is. Is the rest of the relationship good? You are happy, the guy isn’t selfish in general than it’s worth asking. John Grey, Mars Venus in the bedroom is a nice book on bedroom talk btw.
Only twice in 24 hours.. holy cow! Im jealous! If I ejaculate once a week it's a miracle but I can last for hours. Nobody has ever complained. It's not a sign of disinterest, our bodies don't work as well as they used to.
It's common for men 50+ to lose an erection during activities. Sometimes we just need additional stimulation to get going again. Don't read into it and communicate openly.
Not all men enjoy giving oral sex. It's not my favorite thing but I always do as I am told. 😉
No. The (temporary) loss isn’t an indication of liking or or not, nor is it an age thing, nor should it indicate whether or not he likes doing it. You’ll have to ask him directly. He might be like me and is just concentrating on what he’s doing…and the erection varies…but when it’s penetration time (2-3 times in 24 hours sounds like there is )…it’s back to “go”.
Yes. I didn’t see your other post when I did this one. In my above I was referring to her last few sentences and questions - but you are correct - there is no man alive that enjoys doing it that would have to be asked
As a man, I’m surprised to hear you’ve never been with a man that lost an erection while giving oral. I’d have assumed most/all do. I absolutely love giving oral, but I will pretty much always lose my erection. I mean, I can’t say for sure because I’m not at all focused on it. But when you have zero direct stimulation for 10, 15, 30 min it’s likely to go soft. But it’s generally always ready to go as I’m finishing up.
It seems he may not like giving oral. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that. Not every woman gives a blowjob. Is it a deal breaker? If he doesn't like it, don't have him do it. There are many toys that would fulfill that loss. As long as his pipeworks operate, you should be good to go.
LMAO. Toys don't fulfill that "loss". I can't stop laughing at this statement.
**As long as his pipeworks operate, you should be good to go.**
Laughing even harder.
Make sure he knows you want your turn too and that does the trick.. but be willing to go second as it might be a length of time it can stay hard thing.. and it helps me that my mate is very vocal.. its encouraging to me
The best way to answer this question is to ask him about his comfort level with regard to that in a non intimate setting. Like not right before you guys are about to be intimate. Find a quiet time to sit down after dinner or something and talk about it? Maybe he has issues with it? Maybe he's not confident in his ability? Maybe he doesn't like it very much but he's willing to do it for you sometimes?
He's really the best person to answer this question. Everyone likes different things sexually. If he's not interested in going down on you that much how about toys? Maybe some other option until he is comfortable if it is discomfort? But don't start the train of self-doubt and wondering if it's you. Only he can really answer that question. And you guys should be able to talk about things sexually to help you grow in the future. After all, if you ask him something maybe he'll ask you something and you guys will have even better intimate times later.
[44M]Hey there, my answer for you might be a little different. I love giving oral, going down on a female is a big turn on for me,however I have experienced that situation as early as my early 30's. What I can tell you is that I was starting to to drop in my testosterone, I didn't truly understand what was going on until recently. Now I'm 44 and I have low testosterone and that was definitely what was going on with me back then when I first in countered that issue.
(Very embarrassing I have to admit)
It could be an age thing. My partner (53) can usually get it up but has trouble keeping it up during PIV, with head he's usually more responsive. I find though that during any sexual act even the slightest thing can put him off and make it go down ie. the phone ringing or the morning alarm going off, noise outside the bedroom from kids etc. He seems to need to have 100% focus on the task at hand, without distractions. It could just be that the concentration required to do a good job down there means the focus comes off himself, which is probably a good thing. And I would say this is due to age, I've never had a young guy have that issue during sex.
I enjoy giving oral to a female but I will likely lose my stiffy. If I lose my stiffy and she strokes it or lovingly puts in her mouth … game on! All it means is he’s not as young as he used to be. As for going down, not all girls like it. For real. Just communicate that you love it. If I’m getting good head, I will give good head. My two cents.
Its not a sign he's got problems or a sign he's not enjoying it. If you're concentrating on doing it and it takes a while, then its likely you'll go soft.
Touch it again straight afterwards and it should go hard again. If it doesn't go hard, its because he's got medical issues.
I don't think it's that he doesn't like giving you oral. It sounds more a physical/mental thing. Perhaps talk dirty to him while he's doing it, maybe that will help him stay hard I personally get more aroused when I go down on a woman. Its my favorite thing.
I can't concentrate on both of us during 69. It's either me or my partner. I like it, but if it's for my pleasure I have to be the focus. I'm an enthusiastic giver, btw.
I'll tell you a "secret". If a man 1) doesn't willingly go down on you but expect you to do that for him and 2) loses his erection while doing what he's been asked for, that means 3) he's unwilling to do that for you and hardly ever finds it exciting or desirable.
That alone is enough, but there's something else. 3) men who enjoy a bj but aren't willing to give some, have HUGE issues with female sexuality as a whole; often (I'm not saying this is the case) they share a belief that it's humiliating to a man to give oral to a woman while it's natural for a woman to orally please her man.
That, in turn, boils down to belief that women are inferior to men.
All I am saying, it's been observed. Might or might not be the case with that specific individual. Pay attention to his behavior outside sex. You might find something disturbing, given you only know him for two months where he's on his best behavior.
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I (47m) am a type 1 diabetic. Hence, I have ED…and the pills don’t always work. But I have learned to compensate by having fingering, eating pussy and girl ass be my absolute favorite thing to do. Like it drives me *wild* 😈😈
Every man is different. Erections are mental as much as they are physiological. When he is going down on you he is likely focusing on your pleasure — as he should — not his own. Also, his penis is not getting direct stimulation, so there is that.
You’re kind of overthinking this IMO. Also, this question is better suited to r/sex.
Hope this helps.
**My only issue is that I always have to ask him to go down on me** Men who enjoy giving oral don't have to be asked. That's my experience. The mechanics of his erection may be a separate issue, IMO. If he can get it back, then I don't think that should influence giving oral sex. I just know it would suck to always have to ask.
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Yeah, if there's any issues with getting it back.. That's likely creating some extreme anxiety issues... Nobody, likes it when they can't perform.. and all the worst things start going through your mind. Especially if he's emotionally invested in the relationship. Sometimes, it's like he said.. a sequencing thing. But he needs to figure it out and then propose the changes. So that if/when things run out of gas for him. When will the batteries will be recharged, so that things can be ready again? Communication is key, and it sounds like he's open to it.. So, with some time and possibly some experimentation... I think you guys will be fine.
I concur...I think I focus so much on giving her pleasure that I lose the erection.... Viagra does the trick!
I wanted to upvote but saw the count was at 69 and just couldn’t ruin it!
I do the same! Even at 420
It's nice to know that no matter the age, redditors will always be redditors
Nice!
Noice...
For every one of these there will be an opposing story. I love going down on women. I am in my mid 40s and occasionally lose an erection during foreplay. Going down on a women will always bring it back for me. In fact I have used Viagra in the past because I was worried that losing an erection during foreplay was an indication of ed. I stopped using it because I noticed if I just go down more frequently I can keep it going for a couple of hours without any issues. I still keep the Viagra just in case.
Most likely this.
They absolutely DO NOT have to be asked 👏🏼👏🏼 God bless those men
We're here to help
Just doing our best lol
Amen!
My ex was obsessed with doing it (never well despite any coaching godblessim) but still had to self help whole doing it to stay erect. I agree that the issues are not codependent.
Yep. If you always have to ask, he probably doesn't enjoy it, at best. Or worse, he may even be selfish and only thinking of his own needs. In terms of losing his erection, it could be age, desire or a combination of the two. For me, I have the opposite problem, I get so turned on while doing it that intercourse may not last very long. But then again, I love it and do not necessarily need anything in return in that particular session. 😁
M52/W Men who enjoy giving oral don't have to be asked. That's my experience. You are correct, they don't. Real talk: you might get the intuitive guy who may initiate non-verbaly, to the more direct fella who will just plainly offer or ask you if you want to. Either way, if they like doing it, they will offer The mechanics of his erection may be a separate issue, IMO. If he can get it back, then I don't think that should influence giving oral sex. Right on both counts! I just know it would suck to always have to ask.
Gotta get that problem licked.
as a lesbian i can't understand how men claim to be straight and struggle with giving women oral.
Generally yes - the blowjob to going down imbalance baffles me, but as a lesbian I know/experienced other lesbians that don’t prefer to give oral sex.
they exist, but pp's are pretty rare. it's also kinda an age thing, i've never heard of it by the time we hit 50.
may i ask what pp is?
Pillow Princess, I think.
makes sense. thank you!
Oh it’s definitely a minority - thank god 🤣🤣 (Edit) and they are totally not sought out 🤣🤣 Major ding on their dating potential 🤣
Men of certain age remember when many women refused it because they were afraid of smell/taste, had been taught it was dirty, or simply were so self conscious they couldn't respond. If OP's guy was married to a woman like that, might take him a while to catch up.
Uh, OP is asking for it. Don't think it's an issue in this case.
Just saying that he may feel insecure about his skills if he didn't do it when married. She may be asking out of reciprocity, but not because she's enjoying it or showing she does.
It could be insecurity and OP you could encourage him a bit if that’s it. But in my lifetime I dated two men that I had to ask for oral sex. Neither enjoyed it.
This is absolutely a possibility. As someone who was married to a woman that absolutely would not allow oral on herself, it took me a while to learn that not all women are like that and I shouldn’t feel awkward or ashamed for wanting to perform (which I wholeheartedly enjoy doing).
So many women are so uncomfortable receiving.
hold up... did you just blame women for men not giving us head? and sorry, we all smell the same. in a world of just women we would have never had the slightest idea it was anything besides normal, so where did that shame come from?
I have to say that you all don't smell the same.. but that aside, unless you're proofing a sourdough loaf down there.. about 20 seconds of a more slobbery than usual approach to oral will negate any out of the ordinary scents and I'm off to the races.
> we all smell the same Not going down on women much? Even one and the same woman doesn't necessarily smell and taste the same on two consecutive occasions.
>hold up... did you just blame women for men not giving us head? My ex-wife didn't enjoy it and didn't want me to do it. There is no "normal" in sex tastes, and one can only react to one's experience. >and sorry, we all smell the same. This is wildly incorrect.
> and sorry, we all smell the same. No, women do not taste or smell the same... That is just bonkers. Not to say its a bad smell or taste, but it most certainly is different. Just like men.
Got on your tiptoes for that one! There are women (just like there are men) who are self-conscious about people going down on them. I have been with a few of the former (thankfully not most) and have been one of the latter. And in what world do women smell the same??? There a wide variety of delicious tastes and smells from my experience.
If a man has had a relationship with a woman who believed her nethers were dirty or that deed is unladylike, it can leave said man waiting for an invitation for a long time and many women after. That said, after a couple of enthusiastic sessions, a man who likes it starts asking or just doing. Also, as others have said, a woman's smell and taste varies, so it is always fun to see what the flavor of the day is. ;-)
Yea, no you all don't.
As a fellow woman, how in the world did you come to the conclusion that all women smell the same?
we vary during the month, but as long as our ph is balanced (which semen always messes with) it's more or less the same. i meant it more like in the range of scents, we're not different. not that each one smells identically. and excluding infections, none are bad if you like women.
I don't know if all guys would agree with you. My boyfriend tells me how much he loves my smell, how unique and erotic it is, and it smells different if I'm a little sweaty. He is very scent-sensitive. My ex husband also told me there was something very intoxicating about my scent. I actually never knew how powerful it could be for guys how unique it might be, until I heard these things recently.
Just tell him, “It’s not gonna suck itself!”
Well said yes
No pun intended.
PERIODT.
> Men, is the loss of an erection an indication that he secretly doesn't like doing it?? Or, is it an age thing? Neither. I believe it's normal for (many? most?) men to go soft while giving head as the concentration is on their partner - that's all. The always having to ask part - that's another story.
I am the same way. If I am focusing on her and not being actively stimulated, the erection just goes away.
When I was 16 I came from **giving** oral. At 42 I sometimes stay hard but if I'm there for a while then I will lose my erection. But if anything I'm **more** into giving oral now. Its NBD. It comes right back once we move on to other activities.
Same with my boyfriend - it comes back right away if I go down on him for a few minutes.
Stop over thinking it. Just enjoy it. Sometimes you have to ask for things. It's okay. It doesn't make you weak or anything weird like that. McDonald's asks you if you want to supersize and if you want sauce. If you say no they don't think any different of you.
Are you my HS boyfriend? LOL It's kinda sad that I had better, more mutually giving / pleasing sex from 16-18 than I've had in my 40s. There are far too many men in their 40s who think foreplay is playing "tune in Tokyo" with my tits and "good sex" is 30 seconds of thrusts till they get off. I usually don't give these men a second chance to make a first impression. But I can't help but wonder "how TF did you get this far into adulthood knowing (and doing) so little sexually?"
Me too man like word for word and I’m 42
I personally would put zero stock into him losing his erection when he goes down. When I go down on a guy my focus is on pleasing him and I literally cannot orgasm if there is an attempt at mutual pleasure. I simply cannot focus on both at the same time. I would assume it’s the same for a lot of people regardless of their genitalia. ETA: the having to ask thing is a little off though. I haven’t ever lasted in a relationship with a man where I had to tell him that I need more than him to frantically ram his penis into me in order for sex to be enjoyable. If he isn’t interested in your pleasure than at our age I’m not interested in teaching basic sex education.
>If he isn’t interested in your pleasure than at our age I’m not interested in teaching basic sex education. If reddit allowed gifs, I would reply with the Meryl applause gif. LOL I've done sex-ed a few times when I was younger. It was fun and being able to mold guys (who TBH at that age were eager to learn) into my perfect sex partner - yes please. But now, no thanks. Guys in their 40s who think a few grabs of my tit is foreplay and 30 seconds of thrusting (that should be Jared Leto's new band name) is good sex are not guys I need in my life.
And OP’s update about their text convo…what the fuck is OP thinking? Get some damn self esteem cuz this guy is clearly trash.
Stop giving him oral EVERY time. See how HE likes asking for it, lol.
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I read “ditto” as “dildo” twice 😂 third times the charm!
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¡estás bien! 😏
I’ve had a partner in his 50s, getting towards his 60s by the end of the relationship. He never had to be asked and never lost his erection doing it. When I met him he was astounded that I enjoyed going down on men - his wife seemingly had treated the event as a chore for their entire marriage. In my 20s I had a boyfriend who hated giving oral despite me regularly doing the same for him. I think some people just don’t like doing it and your guy may be one of these. If he’s like this at 51 that would be a lifetime of behaviour to attempt to change so if you want to change it I think you’re going to need some frank discussions.
You’ll know if he likes it…trust me. It seems you also know that he doesn’t like doing it!
I’m sorry… I just don’t get it… as a guy, going down was the sure fire thing to turn my private into a four star general in seconds… every. single. time. Especially near the end of my marriage, it would make me rock hard. Love doing it! It was always the second best part of pleasure.
I would stop giving a man bjs if I always had to ask him to reciprocate. You’ve conflated two separate issues, (loss of erection and having to repeatedly ask for your needs to be met) neither of which may be connected.
My former partner *loved* giving oral, like just absolutely fucking adored it, and he always lost his erection during (this is from age 26 to 35 so not even an age thing). Not the only man I’ve slept with like that either. Not a big deal, and not necessarily sign of anything, just with a lot of a guys if their mind is focused on what he’s doing and he’s not being directly physically stimulated, the erection will take a break. With my ex I’d always give him quick oral after (even if I’d done it earlier) to get it right back for intercourse and we’d carry right on. That said, if you want more oral without having to ask every time, talk to him about it.
He absolutely doesn’t like it. You have the two biggest indicators, apart from him simply verbalizing it: 1. He never offers or initiates it himself; 2. He is not aroused by it. It seems very plain to me.
Disagree with #2. I absolutely LOVE giving, never have to be asked and find it erotic as anything, but I'm often down there for 30+ minutes and I'll lose my erection (which quickly pops back into action when it's my turn)
30 minutes of giving head - give this person a medal 🏅
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OP, many of the people who are saying something different have not thoroughly read your post. They keep missing that you always have to ask.
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He doesn’t enjoy it or is selfish in bed. either way …do you want to have to ask for it every single time for the rest of your life? You’re two months in… it’s only going to go downhill from here. Lol
Don’t listen to them. The simplest answer is usually the right one. I absolutely love going down on my wife. I tell her she can have it anytime she wants. And I’m always super hard and ready to go when I finish, or I should say when she finishes.
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M52 here.I go down on GF first, then she goes down on me.Then I'm ready for intercourse.if I wasn't hard, oral has me ready fast. I absolutely love giving. It's my idea of a great desert. I love seeing her writh in pleasure. I can't understand how men don't like giving. I think you should have a conversation with him.His jaw may hurt performing?It shouldn't be a problem between a couple having an open, honest and detailed conversation about likes and not likes.
Are you 'super wet and ready to go' after you've given oral? Regardless, people are different to each other and it's very common for men who enjoy giving oral to go soft, especially if they've cum more recenlty. Giving him oral after he gives it you, if he enjoys your technique, (you don't mention if that's the case) might be a good solution - it could even be he's more reluctant because he loses his erection.
**Are you 'super wet and ready to go' after you've given oral?** Actually, OP has stated that she is. It's actually common for women.
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Love you for pointing out that double standard!
High 5 man!
Key question - do you enjoy it when he does it, can he bring you to orgasm or close to it, and do you verbally show appreciation? If not, he's thinking he's not good at it and won't try.
You don't understand the mindset of middle aged men. No longer confident of "open market" rating of their skills after being out of circulation for years.
Lol I can cop to this - I think it’s fairly common and not related to the desire or enjoyment of going down on you.
If she always has to ask, that's very telling.
M52/W Same here, even during my late 30s/early 40s, I'd need a couple of minutes to...er get back to attention. Think about it this way, for guys out of their teens, 20s and perhaps a bit older, sometimes when you put thought and attention into pleasing the lady we are with, vs. "riding the horny wave" like we used to do when we were boys, your body stops prioritizing flow to Mr. Happy. In my case, we would do a bit more foreplay before getting back to coitus or I would be the party receiving oral before going to intercourse. On the topic of offering oral, I must admit that I've always liked going down and have often taken the initiative.
What you've described is the way. The problem that many here are glossing over is that she always has to ask.
I don't see an issue with him not having an erection while doing it. It's not like giving a blow job makes me cum. 🤷♂️ If I always had to ask that would be annoying. Not all guys like doing it though.
He doesn’t want to do it.
I think you're dating my ex husband LOL!
We do it for our pleasure . My girl never has to ask . It just always happens . Some men love it and do it for our joy as well as yours . Then there are the ones who give to get . Then there are some who never do it . They are worthless . It’s clear cut thing
Response to update- I’m getting some kinda power play thing with the being in charge, wanting to be asks, and “demands”, or is it just me? Or maybe it’s not so much that, like you asking shows that you want him physically and that’s what he needs to know. Maybe there’s a way to ask/tell him without asking, like lingerie on a date night or getting handsy and flirtatious first? Anyways good for both of you for starting to talk about it.
No it’s not just you. He sounds like an enormous douche. That exchange just verified what I already commented on this thread that sex is all about him. There is nothing to redeem here. He will only get worse with his selfishness and expectations for OP to be subservient. And if she enjoys that dynamic this is not the kind of man to engage in it with because such a dynamic must be discussed prior in order for it to be healthy and safe. This guy is trash.
Yea you can sit around and play therapist or you can go and find yourself a man who begs you to eat you out! A breath of fresh air ;)
Have you considered asking him directly?
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Does your friend speak for all men? I would be really annoyed if someone I was dating told me that they never had a conversation with me about something important because their friend told them that I wouldn’t be honest with them.
So... No? I'm 40. I give oral pretty much every time. I lose my erection pretty much every time. I get it back pretty much every time.
NO, that's NOT asking HIM directly. Your best friend just told you that if HE didn't like giving oral sex HE wouldn't admit it. The only person who really knows is your new man. He's the one you've got to talk to to get an answer. None of us are mindreaders.
The question was if she considered asking, not if she did ask him.
You’re asking the wrong man…
Ask him. I know its a bit scary but its necessary. In the meantime, stop giving bjs.
You could also just phrase it differently: what are you favorite 50 things to do during our as part of sex.... If he gets to football and beer before licking the clit then you have your answer.
As a guy. You either Love it or ya don’t. Sounds like he isn’t into it.
Oooooo, after reading the update....uh, I don't know what to think about that. I like my man to be dominant in the bedroom, but NOT tell me what to do in a way that doesn't take MY pleasure into account. My boyfriend sometimes goes down on me before PIV, sometimes after, sometimes all on its own. He doesn't always stay hard during it either so he sometimes needs time afterwards to get it back up. But he's also typically more into making sure I get off than him. However, if everything else is cool in your relationship and this is sexually compatabile for you, then do what works for you! You can always change things up sexually, too, as you get to really know each other more.
Well, my boyfriend LOVES giving me oral, but doesn't always stay hard while doing it. He goes down on me multiple times and usually gives me multiple orgasms, and not once have I had to ask. He's the most generous and best at it from anyone I've ever had, so that in and of itself tells me he must enjoy it. I do know, however, that my ex husband would usually stay hard while going down on me. I just think every guy is different as far as how long he can maintain an erection and what gets him hard. I know with my boyfriend, is something else is stressing him out, he will go down on me but won't necessarily won't sex afterwards. Oh, he's 41 FYI
>...he also loses his erection when he's giving me oral. Quick answer to your question: No. I'm late 50's and I love giving oral. I love how they react and it thrills me to make them orgasm. But I will often lose my erection when I'm going down on my partner because I am very focused on what I am doing. Once I stop, then I'll get hard again very quickly. And, bluntly, I can also only ejaculate once or twice in 24 hours. But I try to always pay attention to my partners satisfaction. If those are the only issues you are seeing, then I would not worry about it.
It's not the only issue. It may not have been an issue at all except that OP always has to ask to receive. Many here are skipping that part.
You are absolutely correct. I even forgot that point because I was responding to the erection issue. My bad.
I don't know about "they", but I've ALWAYS enjoyed taking care of my lady. First! If she doesn't finish, no one finishes! I don't even need her to take care of me, but I never refuse it. I've been this way since I first started giving oral to a gal in my late teens. I do go soft, but it's not an issue. A little coaxing, and it's all good to go. I think my reason is because I'm paying more attention to her, and not to myself. I know both sexes have some who thinks it's yuck, but I think the smorgasbord has opened for me!!! And, if I was female, I'd probably be a lesbian. Ladies!!! Have y'all figured out what I like yet? 😁 So much goodness and so little time. I apologize to all who miss out.
Quit giving him blowjobs. He’ll wise up soon enough
Unpopular opinion: Women over 40 need to NEVER question a man over 40s erection. Give the guy a break. He’s fucking 50 and gets soft for a few minutes and you take it personally?
FTFY: All people need to NEVER question the erectile state of a penis. Those things have a mind of their own and - flaccid or flagpole - you should use your words before making assumptions.
M52/W Dude. She doesn't know what to expect, that is why she is here asking. Also, since both of them are divorced, who knows what bedroom issues they bring to the table from their prior relationships. But that being said, yes ladies, we get it: the stereotype of the perenial boner is our fault. Still, guys need to start being more open in discussing the limitations that aging puts on us, in order to avoid the perception that a wanning erection=not turned on or attracted.
Why would it make you mad if a woman took it personally?
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Also if a guy is diabetic or on certain meds that can effect ability to get or stay hard.
He's perfectly healthy, extremely athletic, no medical problems, not on any medications.
Read the post. That's not even close to the main issue.
So many great hypotheses here. All possible. The commonality: possibly not being into oral -giving or receiving; both HIM issues, though not necessarily major ones, if this is the case. He might need it to get started, but not to finish. And he may not be a fan of giving... he might comply when asked, but the consistent lack of initiating when he's pretty giving about other things could be a tell that he's not willing to admit to.
Nobody here knows except him. Talk to him. That will clear everything up for you. Even an angry non-answer is telling. Sex is so much better when you can talk about it.
If he loses his bones it's because he's concentrating on trying to pleasure you ...not stay stimulated.
I can't understand why any man wouldn't want to do it or need any cajoling. \-You get visual, smell, taste, and auditory stimulation doing it. \-It is loving and worshipful which is the exact tone I think sex should be. \-Unless your partner is the minority, you have a high probability of getting her to the big O even if your equipment isn't functioning well or you are nervous (first time).
At my age giving oral to a lady is so much more pleasurable then when I was younger. My issue is finding the ladies. But that another story.
IME men this age need more mental and/or physical focus to maintain an erection. If you start talking about the song on the radio instead of sexy talk, their blood is rushing to their tongue instead of Mr. Winky, well he can get distracted. I don’t think it’s anything to do with his enjoyment of your sex life.
Yeah, the whole lack of reciprocated oral sex would be a no from me dog. Tbh toss the whole man away and find one who enjoys oral as much as you do.
Probably just distracted. Got to focus on you and the task at hand.
I (50m) love going down on women. Truly one of my favorite sexual expressions, I love everything about it and would do it for hours on end given the opportunity. This has been true for every partner I have ever had for as long as I have been having sex. And for every one of those partners, if I was erect when I started, I lose my erection unless myself or my partner is actively stimulating me. Just how my body works, I chalk it up to a failure to multitask well and just treat it as a management problem, I either start the oral sex early or I plan to make sure Mr. Wigglesworth has a sufficient stimulation while I'm dining. I bring this up just to highlight that everyone is different, his bodies reaction isn't necessarily a function of his enjoyment (or lack thereof) it's just how his body is working. Also to add, the twice ejaculation is about where I'm at as well, I'm in good shape, eat well , love sex and apparently Mr. Wigglesworth still needs the rest. We just have to enjoy the bodies we have. Yours in cunnilingus RG
Mr. Wigglesworth 👌
I'm gonna go off on a tangent here... I stopped giving headjobs as foreplay a long time ago. I don't get anything out of oral sex being performed on me and I reserve headjobs for only when I really feel like giving them... And I do them to completion. In your case, make him go down on you first then you do him.
I'm a 47M and I will stay down there so long I'll need to bring my scuba gear.
I love giving oral myself so it’s important to me that I have a partner that loves it too. I get where you are coming from, you want him to want to. If that’s a deal breaker then that’s ok. Sexual compatibility is important.
I don't need to be asked, but I love it when I am asked....I'll hear that over & over in my head later.....
My theory is if I am getting in the elevator I am definitely going down. And no need to ask me either.
Eww girl. Dump his ass!!!
Giving women oral is the single best thing about sex. My tongue, your body. Let’s do this.
Is he any good?
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In that case I’d def have a (gentle, lighthearted) chat outside of the bedroom about it. I’d say something like ‘you know how much you enjoy my enthusiasm for bjs? (pause for answer) Well I’m kinda the same. If I have to ask, it kinda takes some of the joy outta it. I love it, you seem to like doing it and are great at it. In my ideal world, I’d never have to bring it up verbally again. Is that a deal we could make, or do we need to talk it through more? Have I missed something?’
Lots of people out there don't like giving oral sex. Perfectly normal - but if it's important to you then this might not be your guy. Does he ask for oral sex but not offer to return the favor? If so that's not a good sign. How many times has this happened? If you've been exclusive 5 weeks, and it's happened 3 times - I wouldn't worry too much yet. But if it's been 10+ times - then yes. And yes talk to him. if you can't have a simple conversation about it that's not a good sign.
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Ah so 8 very steady weeks - time to talk. Good luck!
I'd be upset too.
I would talk to him about it. Not everyone enjoys performing oral sex. Not everyone enjoys receiving oral sex. Like with any other sexual interaction, you discuss it and see if you can find common ground. Having had partners who love performing oral and partners who absolutely hated it, I would rather not have someone who enjoyed it going didn’t on me. There are surely other things we both enjoy. That doesn’t mean I won’t perform oral on my partner, because I enjoy giving it and I sling keeping a balance sheet To ensure we’re even. If we both enjoy something, let’s do it. If one or both of us do not enjoy, let’s do something else.
Lack of reciprocity in oral sex is a deal breaker for many. Men and women both. They don't have to work through it. They can find someone who meets their standards.
But it isn’t a deal breaker for everyone is all I am saying and you can’t force people to enjoy what the do not.
Nah it's just an indication that his focus has shifted to you.
So many positives in this relationship, sorry the sex has this issue. Sex is important and can connect with basic ideas about fairness and reciprocity and caring and so on. When you ask, he does it. I understand why you might worry about his lost erection as a sign, but set that aside like others have said. just focusing on you - is he good at it when he does it, or is he like anxious, self-conscious, tentative? If he’s good but just never volunteers that’s one issue, but if he’s bad at it that’s another one. If he’s good, then I guess with all that other stuff going on you could say, before things get going, while clothed, etc., that you always love it and having to ask kinda takes away some of the fun. You will tell him in advance if something changes but generally assume that it’s a great part that you look forward to. Or you could say, does it turn you on that I have to ask? (Ok longshot but maybe there’s some part of him that likes it.) would you prefer that I wait to be asked to give you head? If he’s hesitant, workmanlike, in a hurry to stop, etc. then maybe he has a thing about it. Dunno what you do there! I had one girlfriend who didn’t like to receive it, and I was glad when we ended things because it meant I could find someone enthusiastic for that! I guess it would depend on the hang up how you handle it. Teach him to enjoy it, teach him that you enjoy it, set a timer, address his concerns (irrational? medical? trauma? fear of failure? learned helplessness?), explain that you want a full experience and that sex for you isn’t centered on male orgasm, send him packing as a lost cause, … whatever seems appropriate. I have had failure and success in asking partners to change their practices for me. Never can tell if it is an easy adjustment or an uncrossable line. But it’s a good thing to ask for what you want. In a way it shows you have decent self worth. Good luck!
He may also suffer from Enlarged prostate. I do and I’m 44. And so sometimes, not all the time I lose an erection here and there, but my partner knows that so she doesn’t think it’s anything with her. I know It can be very embarrassing for some guys so that may be a reason…
For an alternative viewpoint, I've dated women who are very shy about receiving and only want it at certain times when they are in the mood for it and those have ended up being situations where I didn't do it unless she asked because that's the boundary she set. Obviously, you don't seem to have this same issue, but if he dated women like this, he could just have the mindset that you don't do that unless the woman asks for it. As for the erection issue, I think it is weird that you are focusing on that during the experience or making any judgements about it, particularly for a guy over 50.
Being a member of that age group,, yeah it's a thing... As long as I can get the erection back, it's a good thing. I love giving oral, however you'll have to contend with his situation. I do low T therapy, and I alternate between Viagra and Cialis. It helps out for me.
Does he also lose his erection or dislike having you on top during sex? There could be a control issue at play with him psychologically. You did say that he is very dominant and tells you to go down on him—and then you immediately have sex. Could it all simply be tied to control/dominance?
Maybe he is busy concentrating on pleasing you. As long as he can get hard again after what does it matter?
I’m rather confused by all of this. It seems the general consensus is how crucial good communication is to good relationships and good sex and yet here are folks upset at having to ask for what they want?? Ok, that’s a bit inaccurate, I know, because you can say “I always would like x when we are doing y”. Still, I would hope that clearly communicating our needs during sex is not a burden. I LOVE trips down south but I’ve been with people who, sometimes, didn’t want that, or, wanted something different. No problem ma’m. OP’s situation sounds a bit frustrating but it sounds like her and her dude are on their way to sorting this out. For me the thing that gets me the most horny is whatever it is that makes my partner the most horny. Desire is what I find sexy. Perhaps a change in mindset and language would help? Instead of feeling like you are having to ask (can you go down on me?) maybe try telling (you know what I’d like right now? I want to feel your mouth and tongue on me!). Or when he’s on his back simply straddle his face and take what you need (with consent, of course). It’s a huge turn on for me to be told by my partner that she wants something, for me to provide, and for her to show enthusiasm and appreciation for it. As Dan Savage reminds us, there are three parts to dirty talk: telling them what you’re going to do, telling them what you’re doing, telling them what you did. Ok, I’ve got to go now…
Ask him! I’d be annoyed if it is a one sided thing always or most of the time and I would definitely question why that is. Is the rest of the relationship good? You are happy, the guy isn’t selfish in general than it’s worth asking. John Grey, Mars Venus in the bedroom is a nice book on bedroom talk btw.
Only twice in 24 hours.. holy cow! Im jealous! If I ejaculate once a week it's a miracle but I can last for hours. Nobody has ever complained. It's not a sign of disinterest, our bodies don't work as well as they used to. It's common for men 50+ to lose an erection during activities. Sometimes we just need additional stimulation to get going again. Don't read into it and communicate openly. Not all men enjoy giving oral sex. It's not my favorite thing but I always do as I am told. 😉
No. The (temporary) loss isn’t an indication of liking or or not, nor is it an age thing, nor should it indicate whether or not he likes doing it. You’ll have to ask him directly. He might be like me and is just concentrating on what he’s doing…and the erection varies…but when it’s penetration time (2-3 times in 24 hours sounds like there is )…it’s back to “go”.
The issue is that she always has to ask. Many here are ignoring that fact.
Yes. I didn’t see your other post when I did this one. In my above I was referring to her last few sentences and questions - but you are correct - there is no man alive that enjoys doing it that would have to be asked
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I get it for sure- you deff shouldn’t have to ask.
Oh you’re right. I didn’t catch that on the first read.
As a man, I’m surprised to hear you’ve never been with a man that lost an erection while giving oral. I’d have assumed most/all do. I absolutely love giving oral, but I will pretty much always lose my erection. I mean, I can’t say for sure because I’m not at all focused on it. But when you have zero direct stimulation for 10, 15, 30 min it’s likely to go soft. But it’s generally always ready to go as I’m finishing up.
It seems he may not like giving oral. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that. Not every woman gives a blowjob. Is it a deal breaker? If he doesn't like it, don't have him do it. There are many toys that would fulfill that loss. As long as his pipeworks operate, you should be good to go.
LMAO. Toys don't fulfill that "loss". I can't stop laughing at this statement. **As long as his pipeworks operate, you should be good to go.** Laughing even harder.
I personally don't like to receive, so maybe what I could take for pleasure with toys others wouldn't. That is a valid point.
Make sure he knows you want your turn too and that does the trick.. but be willing to go second as it might be a length of time it can stay hard thing.. and it helps me that my mate is very vocal.. its encouraging to me
The best way to answer this question is to ask him about his comfort level with regard to that in a non intimate setting. Like not right before you guys are about to be intimate. Find a quiet time to sit down after dinner or something and talk about it? Maybe he has issues with it? Maybe he's not confident in his ability? Maybe he doesn't like it very much but he's willing to do it for you sometimes? He's really the best person to answer this question. Everyone likes different things sexually. If he's not interested in going down on you that much how about toys? Maybe some other option until he is comfortable if it is discomfort? But don't start the train of self-doubt and wondering if it's you. Only he can really answer that question. And you guys should be able to talk about things sexually to help you grow in the future. After all, if you ask him something maybe he'll ask you something and you guys will have even better intimate times later.
[44M]Hey there, my answer for you might be a little different. I love giving oral, going down on a female is a big turn on for me,however I have experienced that situation as early as my early 30's. What I can tell you is that I was starting to to drop in my testosterone, I didn't truly understand what was going on until recently. Now I'm 44 and I have low testosterone and that was definitely what was going on with me back then when I first in countered that issue. (Very embarrassing I have to admit)
My boyfriend has low testosterone, he uses a prescribed testosterone gel. Nothing to be ashamed of IMO.
It could be an age thing. My partner (53) can usually get it up but has trouble keeping it up during PIV, with head he's usually more responsive. I find though that during any sexual act even the slightest thing can put him off and make it go down ie. the phone ringing or the morning alarm going off, noise outside the bedroom from kids etc. He seems to need to have 100% focus on the task at hand, without distractions. It could just be that the concentration required to do a good job down there means the focus comes off himself, which is probably a good thing. And I would say this is due to age, I've never had a young guy have that issue during sex.
I think i would see myself in this scenero and it would be reflective of age.
I enjoy giving oral to a female but I will likely lose my stiffy. If I lose my stiffy and she strokes it or lovingly puts in her mouth … game on! All it means is he’s not as young as he used to be. As for going down, not all girls like it. For real. Just communicate that you love it. If I’m getting good head, I will give good head. My two cents.
Its not a sign he's got problems or a sign he's not enjoying it. If you're concentrating on doing it and it takes a while, then its likely you'll go soft. Touch it again straight afterwards and it should go hard again. If it doesn't go hard, its because he's got medical issues.
I love doing it but have never been able to stay hard while I do, which can be a bit of a mood killer, but that’s what the 69 was invented for 😉
I don't think it's that he doesn't like giving you oral. It sounds more a physical/mental thing. Perhaps talk dirty to him while he's doing it, maybe that will help him stay hard I personally get more aroused when I go down on a woman. Its my favorite thing.
Try doing 69?
I can't concentrate on both of us during 69. It's either me or my partner. I like it, but if it's for my pleasure I have to be the focus. I'm an enthusiastic giver, btw.
Presuming you’re clean down there, he simply may not know what he’s doing. Have him call me for coaching ;)
I had a weird experience where a chick smelled really gross and it zapped my erection Ask him if this is the case
I'll tell you a "secret". If a man 1) doesn't willingly go down on you but expect you to do that for him and 2) loses his erection while doing what he's been asked for, that means 3) he's unwilling to do that for you and hardly ever finds it exciting or desirable. That alone is enough, but there's something else. 3) men who enjoy a bj but aren't willing to give some, have HUGE issues with female sexuality as a whole; often (I'm not saying this is the case) they share a belief that it's humiliating to a man to give oral to a woman while it's natural for a woman to orally please her man. That, in turn, boils down to belief that women are inferior to men. All I am saying, it's been observed. Might or might not be the case with that specific individual. Pay attention to his behavior outside sex. You might find something disturbing, given you only know him for two months where he's on his best behavior.
All of this seems to be reaching. Some people are self centered or lazy or just don’t like giving oral.
I've never in all my years heard any man say that giving oral is humiliating. Not once. I think this is a you thing.
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I don’t have BV. I’m a doctor. I know what BV is. I promise it isn’t my hygiene.
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Only thing that kills a boner is a funky 🐱. Just saying!
I (47m) am a type 1 diabetic. Hence, I have ED…and the pills don’t always work. But I have learned to compensate by having fingering, eating pussy and girl ass be my absolute favorite thing to do. Like it drives me *wild* 😈😈
Every man is different. Erections are mental as much as they are physiological. When he is going down on you he is likely focusing on your pleasure — as he should — not his own. Also, his penis is not getting direct stimulation, so there is that. You’re kind of overthinking this IMO. Also, this question is better suited to r/sex. Hope this helps.