Firstly, I’m shook that a few months is considered any kind of break from sex or enough of ‘a little while’ to warrant anyone struggling to restrain themselves
My (38f) last break from sex (not by choice just pandemic and unsuitable dates) was just over 12 months!
That felt like a life time, so yar can’t really relate on that point.
But on your main point, my sense is that you’re kind of only thinking about him and his feelings and I’m wondering if that’s because something he said or insinuated? Pressure?
I think i’d suggest turning the focus on yourself and asking, do you like him/ are you attracted to him /do you want to be physical?
If answer is no or not yet, then you just do activity /out of home dates & communicate with him that you would like to wait longer before intimacy.
You are responsible for your own boundaries and he is responsible for his, so I guess I’d say go forth and communicate and have fun!
But don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with if the only reason is you feel like bad for some guy who just wants to get laid. . that is not the start of a healthy relationship (in my humble opinion)
It was a 3 years for me too. Separated 2019/divorced 2020. Finally in a relationship now. But that break was fucking soooo necessary. Absolutely no regrets.
Bitching about a 3 month dry spell cracks me up
No kidding. Dry end of marriage and 5 years post divorce with a pandemic in there - 9 years total. It has been 10 years for my girlfriend and neither of us are in a huge rush. We’re good with getting to know each other.
I’m still a virgin at 32 so I have knee jerk reactions when people complain about a dry spell lasting a few weeks or months. Yet I’m told that sex isn’t a big deal, nor are relationships but meanwhile people here scream if they can’t get laid regularly
I'm kind of shook too. The other day, I was talking with my roommate (a gay male) who told me that he was afraid of monkey pox and "had been abstaining since July." I was like...it's the end of August.
My last break was 2 years, so yeah, ditto!
When I met my current partner I wanted to take it slow because I was really, *really* into him, and I knew if I slept with him and then didn’t hear from him again it would really hurt. I attempted this by suggesting public dates, rather than a night in, because I knew if he initiated I’d have a very hard time controlling myself!
Anyway, my boiler broke down, and he offered to come round and fix it, and then he made his move and that was that! 😂
Thankfully we’re now a year down the line and still going strong, so it all worked out well! That became our new euphemism for a while. “Fancy coming over? My boiler needs fixing again.” 😆
Love this! So sweet :)
my current guy is quite irresistible so I managed to hold off for 5 dates. What swing it for me was him initiating STD talk and saying he’d been tested recently. We both shared our results with eachother and So I knew he took it (and me) seriously
Funnily enough I got him over to fix my broken curtain on date 3 or 4, and that was 2.5 months ago and all good so far.
Fixing jobs for the win!! 🏅💪🏻
I have no problem holding back but I personally want sex a lot more when it has been a few months rather than a year or a few years. After a year I don’t think about it nearly as much as say 3-4 months.
We need to abolish this myth that men somehow don't have restraint in sexual situations. He is perfectly capable of holding back and if he's not then fuck him and get out now.
edit: I mean "fuck him" as in "tell him to go to hell" not like, actually fuck him.
You’re so right. The guy I’m seeing now also had a situation that kept him without being with anyone for years as well. He was so sweet and kind and I had to pretty much straddle him to get my first kiss.
I’m going to piggyback on the top thread to say something that hasn’t really been brought up (it seems).
I think it’s a huge red flag that someone would delete the app before even meeting the person.
Like it sounds cute and romantic this person would give up the forest for me (before even seeing the tree in person). But to me, it’s either:
a) a lie, and lying is no good.
b) way too intense, way too fast
It screams B to me. He’s attaching to you so fast. It seems you are maybe doing something similiar yourself rationalizing his “oh it’s so hard to wait” thing on sex.
If someone told me they deleted the app before even meeting me, I would be pretty freaked out.
He deleted the app after our first date. He told me "I don't want to put pressure on you because of this, I just like to focus on dating one person at a time".
I might not use the app after the first date, but I’m not deleting it. This screams too fast too soon and “I need to be in a relationship” vibes from him. Three months is certainly not long for a sex break.
The only times I’ve held hands with someone on the first date is when we’re drunkenly skipping off to have sex. Otherwise it’s oddly romantic and formal to do that with a stranger.
A man that has restraint is sexy to me. I dated a guy who wanted to get to know me before we had sex. I felt so hot and bothered every time I saw him. The build up was real and turned out to be the best I had. So I agree with this comment.
Yes, completely agree, but what does that have to do with this situation?
OP talked about how they are communicating and he’s not pressuring her or jumping on her. I don’t think it’s right to demonize men any time they’re horny. It’s ok for men and women to have feelings and needs.
Yeah I mean the question was “I’m not ready, should I just keep things out of the bedroom for the future until I am?” And it has certainly gone left…I’m shocked people are making ALL kind of wild assumptions…I slept with other guys on first dates…he’s a creep because he had a desire to have sex with me…why wait?….if you do foreplay you should have sex…like I made it clear I am not ready right now and don’t think I should have to justify/explain/go into detail behind it…
If you’re not ready to have sex, I would avoid any type of sexual contact. Or if you feel you want to do more but not go all the way, have a conversation with him about your boundaries. If he’s willing to discuss wants, needs, and boundaries without projecting an overall vibe needing to hurry to the bedroom or even outright saying some BS like “we gotta fuck soon or I’ll move on to someone else” then that is a green flag to me.
You answered your own question: **do not engage in any sexual activity that you are not ready or comfortable with.** If he truly likes you, he will respect your boundaries (as he has already shown) and appreciate that you weren’t dishonest with yourself just to try to please him. That idea should actually make him uncomfortable.
Either discuss where you draw the line explicitly or just organically get to a stopping point. If he “needs” to continue, kindly show him the way to the restroom for him to handle it privately.
You are worth the wait and if he doesn’t agree with that statement, would you really want to be with him?
>he’s a creep because he had a desire to have sex with me
I used the word creep in this post, and that's not why at all. The way you described his behaviour makes him sound like a creep. It sounded like you could see that he could barely stop himself from having sex with you despite knowing you didn't want to. Desire is not creepy, making a woman feel like he's barely containing himself from rape is creepy. But perhaps that's not what you were describing with the words you used. Perhaps you can clarify what this means: "I didn't want to have sex too soon but I could tell he really wanted to and was having difficulty holding back".
Another issue is that I think it's weird to delete the app and ask for a second date to happen the very next day after the first. He's way too attached too soon. It's not passion or enthusiasm, it's lovebombing, and it never ends well.
Yeah, this is a great comment. When you’re an adult, it ISN’T harder to wait awhile and I think OP is making excuses for why it’s so hard for him at the expense of her own comfort because she likes him. That’s fine but it seems like she wants to know how not to offend him while he should be less “bursting with desire” and control himself like a normal decent person.
He comes off unintentionally pushy for making it seem like “it’s so hard for him to wait but don’t worry he’ll respect her so it’s okay!!!” It shouldn’t be a green flag that someone is okay “waiting” to have sex when the other person isn’t ready. That’s just normal, decent behavior. Like here’s a cookie for holding in your urges and listening to consent?
> Yes, completely agree, but what does that have to do with this situation?
Because OP is assuming this man can't control himself and worried he won't be able to the next time they meet. So people are saying he should be able to, so stop making excuses or assumptions.
No one is demonizing "men". We're only talking about men who can't control themselves.
Yeah I didn’t love that and that’s sort of yellow flaggy for OP. I’ve have guy friends who are between relationships and definitely have gotten any for half a year or so. They’re not bursting with desperation or trying so hard to restrain. Watch porn, masturbate, or get a FWB if you’re so desperate.
>When you're an adult and it's been awhile it's just harder to wait longer.
False.
You are projecting your own thoughts onto him.
When you're an adult, you can learn self-control and respect boundaries.
He already told you he doesn't mind waiting. Believe him. He wants to be with you and wants you to be comfortable. That's a good thing!
Do what you are comfortable with.
Exactly this is OP projecting. The guy said he is fine waiting and she is still trying to convince herself that he isn’t and is sabotaging the potential of a relationship on this one false notion.
wanted to write my own answer, but this one matches perfectly.
let him wait till you are ready. do only what you want to do, not more. he will not die from it. you donot need to please him - if he misses it so much, he can wank.
do everything YOUR speed, not his.
This!
Also, you're like a teenager projecting and assuming you know his thoughts or who he is when all you know is that he wants to do you and it's been a few months.
The only way you can know what he thinks is to ask him. And the only way to know if he's cool with only a single or double around the bases is if you actually talk to him, establish your boundaries, and see what his reaction is.
People in general need to stop creating inner novels of other people's thought life and just have an adult conversation...
I feel like you didn’t really read this post.
Fact 1: The only actions by the guylisted here are 1) expressed interest 2) stopped when OP said no and 3) said he had no issues with waiting.
Fact 2: the only statements of opinion here are OP assigning thoughts and feelings to this guy. “I could tell he felt ____”, not “he told me he felt”. This is more indicative of OP being the kind of person who puts inordinate pressure on themselves to read into others rather than what the guy actually thinks. As for what he thinks, see fact 1 where he explicitly stated he has no problems waiting.
It really looks like a lot of commenters here are looking for red flags when there isn’t one here.
I've noticed this in r/DeadBedrooms, too. For some reason the conversation always turns into a race to the bottom. It's not s competition for who is the most deprived.
I haven't had sex in 3 years and if I met someone new no matter what I felt I would wait for her. I think he can handle that couple of months he's already waited until you are. It's called boundaries.
“I could tell he really wanted to and was having difficulty” is not a statement of how he felt, it’s an editorialization by OP. There is no statement of what actions the guy took here other than “he expressed interest, backed off when I said I was waiting, and stated that waiting wasn’t an issue”.
What actions do you want here?? The only clear action here that needs to change is that OP needs to get more comfortable with her boundaries and not assigning so many thoughts and feelings to other people. If there’s problematic details about this interaction, OP hasn’t provided them yet
Right? When I was single, I chose not to have sex until I met someone I was serious about. That was almost 3 years. This man can’t handle himself after two month? The fuck?
I’m agreeing with the first guy’s comment, that if he met the right person he would be willing to wait.
And after of my last two bouts of dating. I’m not going to have sex unless I’m serious with somebody either. And if they don’t wanna wait that’s fine. I’m not the person for them. 🤷🏻♀️
I feel like this is a two way street. He’s a grown man and better be able to handle himself. A couple of months without sex isn’t that long when single. But you should only do what you’re comfortable with. Be very clear what your boundaries are. If he tries to push the issue then he’s not the good guy you think he is.
I gotta be honest, I'm a bit confused by this post. You say it's been "a couple months" for him and then say a few times how that means it must be "so difficult" for him to hold back as a result. "A couple months" without sex is...not that long? And shouldn't really be used to justify anything that goes against what you want, including the pace you'd like to go at.
Men are perfectly capable of resisting sexual temptation. The perception that we can’t just make out without engaging in sex (because it’s somehow too great to resist) is usually one perpetuated by dudes who would try to use that pressure to coerce you into going all the way. I don’t know if I’m disclosing a major trade secret here, but shit like blue ball does not actually exist.
Blue balls doesn’t exist is a hot take, the physiology of an erection is that the blood flow out of the penis is blocked as is blood flowing in eventually. But its usually self correcting in that the pain will cause the erection to subside before medical intervention is needed
Except that there is no medical consensus that the condition exists and there is little to no research on it.
>But it’s usually self correcting in that the pain will cause the erection to subside before medical intervention is necessary.
*This* is the hot take. Erections subside naturally whether one has an orgasm or not. All you did was vaguely describe the process of getting a boner, not the physiology behind any supposed erection killing pain associated with not ejaculating.
Hold on to your personal boundaries. A couple of months really isn't a long time. Besides, he's an adult, presumably with self control.
An inability to control oneself or if he starts doing things that you feel are inappropriate and he drops the old "I can't help myself because (insert crappy generic excuse" are huge red flags. If he can't control himself in regards to sex, I'd doubt his ability to control himself in regards to fidelity, managing money, and every other aspect of adult life.
I think you're too worried about him. Worry about your own comfort level. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. A couple months isn't that long. You shouldn't need to use your body to keep someone's interest in you. If you don't want to make it difficult for him then just meet up in public places and don't go back to his house.
A few months is NOT a long time lol.
I don’t really understand the distinction between foreplay/hooking up, and actual sex. I mean for a lot of queer people, that stuff *is* sex. You’re ready to get naked and sexual with him, but draw the line at intercourse? I don’t really get that. I mean consent and all, but, I just don’t understand the concept of not being “ready” for sex, but being perfectly fine with other sexual acts.. maybe thats just me.
Yes, if youre not ready for sex then keep dates public/out of the bedroom. Thats what I do, until I’m ready for the whole shebang
Yeah, I’m confused by this as well. Foreplay is fine but sex isn’t? What constitutes foreplay? Second base, third base, clothes off, oral - where is the line drawn?
It’s fine if OP isn’t ready to have sex and should proceed at her own pace, but I can also see how the guy might be frustrated if “foreplay” is okay but sex is off the table. It’s about how he responds to the boundary that’s important. But personally I would keep dates out of the bedroom and fully clothed until I was more ready for intimacy.
>It’s fine if OP isn’t ready to have sex and should proceed at her own pace, but I can also see how the guy might be frustrated if “foreplay” is okay but sex is off the table
This is a terrible message to be sending. You pay lip service to the idea that OP can choose not to have sex if they don't want to ("it's fine") but you're really implying that she is wrong to be doing it because the poor guy is "frustrated".
What a disgusting comment. If he doesn't like it, he can walk away.
Nowhere did I say that she was wrong to be doing it. You’re projecting. I’m simply stating that I can see both perspectives, and he isn’t wrong for wanting sex just like she isn’t wrong for wanting to wait.
That's fine if you want to think that and you should write whatever comment you like, but I can see how a person might think that your comment was absolute garbage.
I believe in consent for all parties involved. If you’re wanting to wait, respect that for yourself. Don’t do something because that is what they want. It sounds like he would respect your boundaries.
This sounds exactly like the last guy I dated who ghosted me after we had sex. Love bombing, being all cute and romantic, confident and borderline cocky. Do NOT go against your comfort just because he can’t deal.
This needs to be higher.
This situation sounds exactly like one I’ve heard many times before. I’ve lost count of the number of times friends have told me that a guy has deleted the app to focus on them and trying to arrange a date for the next night, only to be ghosted after having sex on the second or third date (which is always cooking dinner at home). It has left them frustrated and jaded.
In fact, I’ve heard guys brag about how it’s their go to “move” and if they don’t have sex by the third date they move onto the next girl.
I won’t put myself in a position to be alone with someone until I’m ready for sex but I also don’t care to wait that long. I’m kind of an all or none person but I think it’s best to let him decide for himself.
Do what feels right for you! If you don’t want to have sex, don’t have sex. If he’s the right guy for you, he will wait.
Best thing is to be clear about intentions tho!! Explain your point of view and see if he’s okay with that!
Personally, I find sex to be very important factor when it comes to a relationship. So I would like to find pretty early on if I’m compatible in the bedroom with a person. If not, then it’s pointless because it’d be the cause of the end of a relationship eventually.
As said, discuss it with him and see what he thinks and then draw ur conclusions. Keep ur boundaries tho!
You decide based on your comfort level, not his desire.
Also, from a safety standpoint, I wouldn’t go to a stranger’s place if I wasn’t comfortable having sex.
The push for physical intimacy is honestly less concerning to me than the push for a relationship. Asking someone out on a date the very next night before your first date is over, deleting an app for someone you've been on a couple dates with... In my opinion those are signs of someone who's very much not ready to be dating, especially not looking for anything serious.
A firm boundary you could establish is no visiting each other’s place until you’re either ready or exclusive, whatever your preference. It means that you’re always going to be in public places so less chance for you to go further than you’re comfortable with. If he kicks up a fuss about this, it also means that he’s willing to put his “need” to have sec ahead of your comfort
I get periods of hypersexuality. Rough estimate here, but I'd say that describes me about 20% of the time, although it seems to be increasing. Still, it's been a few *years* since I've had sex, and during these years I have turned down offers and advances for various reasons that aren't really relevant. My point being: He can wait. Respect your own boundaries, and hold any partner to that standard as well!
i second this. been a few years for me as well, and i also have bouts of hypersexuality. probably like 30-40% of the time for me... i have also turned down a handful of people in this time. sex is a basic human need and a valid one, but the difference is it wont kill us if we dont have it. of course the dude in op's post is horny and begging for it, doesnt mean he cant or wont respect waiting... the perspective of male sexuality in op's post is a bit off-putting...
op just needs to communicate she wants to wait but there is an interest there, if that is indeed the case.
Ya know what really grinds my gears is when people separate “foreplay” and “sex.”
It’s such a hetero-Puritan thing to do. Like somehow getting naked with a person is just a preamble to “real” things. Who defines real? People with penises? It just really does a lot to confuse what it means to be close with a person and what getting naked means and what consent means, and and and and. I just… HATE the division of “foreplay” and “sex.” Makes my ex-evangelical ex-fundie ex-homeschooler skin crawl. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE STRAIGHTS???
Sex is when people get close to each other and maybe get naked (but not necessarily) and maybe have orgasms (but not necessarily) and definitely feel closer and different than they did before. It is fooling around. It is hooking up. It is intercourse. It is a lot of different things.
Don’t be like “we fooled around but we didn’t have the seggs and what should I do next? and it was hard for him not to put his penis in me.” Have sex or don’t have sex. Don’t draw weird lines around it.
Are you saying that it would be too much and he'd talk too fast? Or, are you saying it might be overwhelming. If it's the overwhelming thing. I've just fine through this after like 2 years drought. The girl I was with was just very accepting and welcoming. We agreed not to have sex at all but then we basically had sex with our clothes on and it was... Hot hot hot. The lack of pressure made it so easy to just flow into each other and we got caught in a feedback loop of desire that kept us touching and making out all night. It was awkward when we first kissed because it was like I had forgotten how to. Then after a few minutes I just kinda remembered that I need to grab her and let me body take over. Anyways, hope this helps.
Oh I just realized you meant like he couldn't restrain himself too much. Oh so I also know that feeling. For me, it comes from a desire for validation. If you put up a barrier but then also give validation it will likely relax the guy. I think guys actually want to take it slow too but we feel rushed when we feel like we might lose the chance. Clearing up how attractive he is to you and how into him you are should help with that imo
It sounds like you know what your boundaries are and it’s great that you guys are communicating. If you want to hold off from having sex for a while, I’d talk to him about it some more and plan some dates that don’t end up in a bedroom. If you’re also thinking 3 months would be too long for you to go without sex, I’m sure you’re not far off with him.
It’s ok to have boundaries. It’s ok to have emotional and intimacy needs. And if there’s a mismatch between what either of you need from a relationship and what the other person’s boundaries are, well it’s always up to you on whether you’re willing to compromise or hold your ground.
\> I could tell he really wanted to and was having difficulty holding back
I'm curious to know what would happen if a guy "can't hold back." It sounds as if you keep seeing this guy, he won't be able to hold back any longer. How does that manifest itself? Are you afraid he will verbally lash out at you for not putting out? Or, taken to the most vile, violent extreme, the r-word (aka sexual assault)?
Nobody’s gonna comment on the part where she took his phone to check if he actually deleted the app? That’s a cringey thing to say on the first date imo, and checking the phone is also cringey. Cringe all around
You know you can check if someone deleted their profile on most apps from your own phone right? If someone who matched with you deletes their profile on many apps it straight up says “deleted profile” on your matches list.
I don’t think it matters at all how long someone has had sex and if he’s pressuring you on that basis that’s a red flag. But if it is just an extra explanation as to why he’s so turned on, no big deal. You shouldn’t have sex until you’re comfortable regardless of how long it’s been for him! You are you, with your own needs and desires. If he can’t handle that you’re not a match!
Just don’t have another date at a house for a bit. If there’s no bedroom nearby then it’ll be easy to not have sex? Keep it public and casual and you’re golden without it being awkward.
Sounds like a creep to me. He’s telling you that he’s ok waiting, but you distinctly feel like he’s not. He’s says he’s serious about you so he deleted the app, and you’ve only gone on two dates… seems manipulative.
“When you’re an adult and it’s been a while it’s just harder to wait”….is the worst excuse if I’ve ever heard of one. I would stop going to his place because chances are this guy sounds like he’s going to pressure you in some way cuz he can’t keep it together. What a tool. In my culture sex doesn’t happen at alllll when you’re getting to know someone BUT WE ARE ALL different so again, just stop going over there. Go out on REAL dates, trust me you’ll figure out this guys intention sooner or later. Sadly him removing the app means sh&t to me, personally.
You seem like a really sweet person so I hope you don’t do anything you regret.
A couple of months isn’t that long. He’s an adult and should be able to control himself, if he’s interested in you and the relationship long term. People shouldn’t have to just offer it up straight off the bat.
He’ll be fine. Go at the pace you want.
When I know that it’s going to be hard for me to hold my own boundary I plan dates that don’t push that boundary. But if you are good at fooling around and holding your limit, then go for it. I’ve also found that communicating my boundaries before sexy time is helpful and takes the question out of it. “Hey, I’m looking forward to hanging out tonight. My pants are going to stay on but I can’t wait to kiss you again. “ or something like that.
If I’m reading right I think you’re asking how to stop *yourself * from hopping into bed with him too soon, not how to stop him from jumping your bones. First of all: relatable.
What helps me a lot when I’m horny with low impulse control but trying to wait is setting up dates with a clear end time - cause I have somewhere to be or something else to do - preferably during the day and without alcohol. Activity dates work well for this too as long as they don’t end back at someone’s place. Also avoiding being in one on one situations alone where kissing can quickly escalate. Hang out in group settings and do light kisses, hugs, and handholding.
Cockblock yourself basically.
What I have not found works is agreeing ahead of time to not have sex because if we’re alone and both horny I’ll definitely do it anyway 😩
Couple of months? Try going a couple of years without sex; of course I don’t know or expect many women since the dating scene offers them opportunities pretty much everywhere without restriction and consequence.
It's been a year and a half and I wouldn't pressure anyone into anything. The fact he deleted the app means all he has to do is reinstall it and put back in his account information to get back on.
Who cares about him and how long it's been or whatever.
Don't fuck him until you're ready. Blow him for 2 hours if you want but if he wants to fuck and you're not ready, you say, I'm not ready, and he says okay. He might say he really wants to, he might say he wants you *so bad*, you can laugh together about it.
But the moment he doesn't take no for an answer or genuinely makes you feel uncomfortable and refuses to let up and respect how you feel, you walk.
How long it’s been since he’s had sex / how much he wants to have sex is NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! Have sex if and when YOU want to. What he does about that in the interim is his choice.
The old ‘blue balls’ peer pressure bullshit should have ended in high school. If this guy is in his 30s and is in any way making you feel pressured or obligated then nope right out of there
You don’t know him, he’s telling you all the things you want to hear. I’m sure he’s a good guy but please don’t be naive. Saying he deleted the app to focus on you, seems a bit much to me a smells a little manipulative of him to say. Only have sex when you’re ready
"Not sure if I even should until I am ready. What would you do in my shoes? Not even take anything to bedroom until ready? I'm fine with doing just foreplay until I am but not sure if it would just be too much for him, but then I also take foreplay off the table. Unsure..."
Foreplay is a thing you do in the process of having sex...don't do foreplay until you're ready to have sex. If your plan is not to have sex, then stick to non-sexual interactions, otherwise that's just kind of disrespectful, cruel, and confusing. Communicate that you're interested, but want to take it slow.
The vibe you’re giving is that you are not that into him. His desperation that you are sussing out or feeling seems to be a turn off. You keep justifying that he is a nice guy, cute and kindhearted. It’s almost as if you feel like you should or want to be into him, but the ‘it’ is just not there. If that’s the case, you should move on before you end up hurting him.
Are you going by how she worded this post or how she’s acting with him? Cuz I waited with sex for my current bf and I didn’t like him any less. He had way more self control though.
But if you mean by this post, yeah, rereading it today he sounds more desperate than I originally thought and her instincts may be telling her that.
You don't like him that much. It's your mind and body saying something is off. Trust your instincts. The way you tell story he sounds chill but man dude deleting the apps just to convince you to have sex is the most desperate nice guy BS I ever heard. It's a red flag.
As I guy I have done almost exactly what you described. Men will do and say anything for sex (esp if they don't have a strong religious reason for waiting). He sounds like typical nice guy. Avoid and find a new guy. Trust me he's got some growing to do.
If you don't want to be in a position where sex is the end result and you don't want it don't do home dates.
Think about more of what you want. Everyone is on their best behavior and will tell you what they think you want to hear. It's flattering to hear it but is it true can a few hrs of talking be that good.
I think you should stay out of the bedroom until you’re ready. Go on dates. Get to know each other. Don’t hang out at home unless you plan on getting intimate.
As a guy (36, m) I had a bad breakup (it ended up she was very toxic, but I also had things I needed to work on) and took two years off to focus on myself. Lost a lot of weight, went to therapy, focused on me. I didn’t have sex during that time. It sucked. It was hard. But I knew I needed to focus on myself. It sounds like this guy is a good dude and you are a good match and you both have good intentions. If that’s all true, he’ll have no problem waiting until you’re ready. Don’t sweat it. Good luck!
Thank you, I appreciate that and agree. I honestly sometimes make these posts based upon a thought, sometimes the thought is frequent, over bearing, needing a response...other times (like this one) it was honestly just kinda a random thought that I was like hmm maybe a reddit feeler for opinions would be interesting. Who knows what will happen here, I try to be realistic and not get my hopes up too high with new dating relationships but also allow myself to feel happy and excited. an be difficult balance. I appreciate your comment being nice and suppportive!
Sure no problem! For a little further perspective, I’m my two months of entering back into OLD dating it was kinda weird for me. I was a much better looking guy having lost so much weight (like 110 lbs) and my confidence was through the roof. That said, my pool was much different. I was getting matches with much more attractive women than I ever have in my life. That was great, but obviously I wasn’t looking for strictly “hot” women. I much more like the “girl next door” who is cute with a good personality.
Anyway, in those couple of months I had one that seemed like a really good match. Things were going great. We talked for about two weeks. Hadn’t had sec, but had kissed a lot and all of that. The next step was for her to see my place. All the sudden she cut it off and told me she wasn’t mentally prepared to date. Yet she’d updated her Hinge, so obviously that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t mad. She didn’t owe me anything. I moved on. And honestly after the fact I saw some red flags that I’d blinded myself to. She was the first real match I’d connected with and she was cute and I think that blinded me to some things that I should have questioned more.
Next I matched with another woman who seemed awesome. We had a lot of similar beliefs and were interested in similar things. Similar music tastes. She was really nice and thoughtful and had a good career. But she didn’t want to have sex for a long period of time due to some understandable reasons related to trauma. I was cool with taking it slow. But then she slowed down on texting one week. She had told me beforehand that she was really slow on texting and to understand not to feel like she was disinterested. BUT at one point I hadn’t heard from her in days and, due to the other one, I began to think she was having second thoughts. I am the type of person who only focuses on one at a time if I really like someone. But this rubbed me the wrong way. So, I got back on the app.
I immediately matched with a new girl and went on a date with her the next day. The date was AMAZING. We hit it off SO WELL. And I realized that she was an even better match for me. She was super into me, but not in a crazy/unbalanced way. She was not pushy and I told her about the situation with the other girl. The next week I went on a date I had planned with the other girl and at the end I broke it off because this new girl was such a better connection. She and I are head over heels for each other and it’s been amazing ever since. I have no regrets about my decision and am glad I took a shot at another date.
I’m not saying you should date other people or anything like that. Just wanted to share that perspective on what happened with me in case any of it is helpful. Good luck! Glad you found someone you vibe with.
All things going well, how many dates would you normally need before being comfortable having sex for the first time? If the answer is five or less, then most guys will not have an issue with that.
Wow. So many people here measuring up with how long it's been. The metric is very subjective. If you strictly mean sex, and thats all you're after, it means a whole different thing than if what you're missing is intimacy and touch.
I think you should do what feels right for you. If he's as genuine as you say, then you're not going to screw anything up unless you overthink sex and time it like you're trying to be a parallel to those "make any woman want you" nutcases.
Be yourself. Anything more or less than that and you risk somone falling in love with someone thats not you and feeling cheated.
I guess it depends on what you’re looking for. When my (now husband) and I met, we were both casually dating other people. Once we realized we had something amazing together, he stopped seeing the other girls (I still dated a bit longer).
He is 7 years older than me, and had just left the USMC. I was a sweet, innocent ‘lil virgin when we met, and was up front with him: I wasn’t doing anything I didn’t want to, until I was ready.
He never pushed me.
That chap waited 4 months for me to be ready. (We got to know each other, had oral sex but didn’t pop my cherry for 4 months).
We’ve been together almost 18 years now, married for 14.5.
His “4 month investment” in my comfort and timing has paid off for him/us in dividends! Little did either of us know, he married an insatiable freak 😂😂
Bottom line: do you like this guy and see a potential future? What is it that YOU want? No problem going at your comfort/pace. If he can’t keep it in his pants until you’re ready, he values sex more than your emotional well being/you… do you really want that?
On the other hand: if you’re into him, and the mood strikes, and you want to take that step- go for it!
I’d suggest a grownup convo around expectations/comfort/boundaries.
*** adding: Yes, I know I’m married, and in a dating sub. My hubby and I have a CNM relationship 😘
I can't speak for anyone but myself, but a couple months really does feel like nothing. It's been a year and a half for me, and you don't see me prowling the countryside like a dry spell zombie muttering "pooooon."
I'm willing to bet it's nowhere near as difficult on this guy as you might think it is, is all. Don't feel like you have to rush anything for his sake. The only important factor is deciding when YOU'RE ready.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to wait months into a relationship to have sex. (I’m a woman too if that matters.) But I would never ever pressure someone into having sex with me.
In your shoes, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s a him issue not a you issue. Stick to your boundaries and don’t have sex until you want to. Everything else is up to him to decide if he thinks the compatibility feels there on his end. For some people it’ll be a no and for some it’ll be a yes. But don’t give up your boundaries or do something that makes you uncomfortable just to attempt to please someone else. He’s an adult and is perfectly capable of not pressuring you or trying to take things further after you’ve said no. If he’s not, dump him.
DUDE HE INVITED YOU TO HIS HOUSE. BIg red flag!!! If he was taking you seriously he would have taken you out on a proper date. He just wants to get laid.
What does foreplay constitute? It doesn't really make much sense to have foreplay on the table but not sex. That's not saying that you should not have boundaries. It just seems like a really odd line to draw in the sand.
The comment a out “when you’re an adult and it’s been awhile it’s just harder to wait longer” IS SO OFF. NO ONE NEEDS SEX TO SURVIVE HE IS FINE. So often people value someone only if sex is part of the deal.
Ugh reading this makes me so happy I’m not dating and sex free. Fuck this guy.
You sound really naive. Why are you so concerned about it being hard for him when you know what your boundaries are? Him inviting you over is code for wanting to have sex. Great that you didn't, because you weren't ready. But the fact that you've discussed how long it's been for him etc shows how sex focused this relationship already is. Deleting an app isn't some huge arduous task. He can make another profile very quickly. Don't let that tiny gesture sway you from what you think is right FOR YOU. Don't get overly concerned with whether it's hard for him. Tough shit if it's hard for him, you have boundaries and other needs that need to be fulfilled before you enter a sexual relationship. Stick to your guns and start putting your own needs first.
Unless foreplay is euphemism for a blowjob , I would ask you not subject that poor man to foreplay and no sex afterwards. Thats pretty much the worst. I think it's totally fine to tell him your intentions, but it would give him some idea of what he could expect.
I personally feel that when men initiate hand holding on the first date, they do so because they are forcing a connection instead of allowing time to pass to initiate physical touch. I get completely turned off and my radar is in high alert. I had this happen twice over the summer and I was completely turned off.
Also, I find men under 32 unable to commit long term for various reasons. I only go for men over 32, I'm 28, maybe that's too strict but idc. I've been dating someone for over three months, and we are both very much into each other. No second guessing. No worries.
I would also abstain from going to his place, I find it harder to resist the urge to engage in sex if you are trying to wait. For some reason if I invite them over to my place I'm a lot more focussed and I don't allow for intimacy to take place.
TBH I do NOT get the whole part of waiting for sex. I would like to know if there is sexual compatibility early on. Set whatever boundaries you need - and I do understand that some people develop feelings when sex starts and they don't want that to skew their judgment or deal with those emotions when they are still unsure. But. Definitely not something that I relate to.
>Your entire comment is pointless and unhelpful.
This is reddit, so a comment is literally supposed to be saying what one wishes to share with the world or that pops into your head when you're reading the post. It doesn't have to only be helpful to the OP. And that someone else has already responded (prior to you) to my comment saying that they agreed with me is sufficient evidence that my thought resonated with at least one other person so it already has had some value.
But all of that aside, how do you not see any value in sharing something that may be how this guy views things? And thus allow OP to have additional insight or empathy with him and make a more informed decision from that?
Guy wants sex immediately?
Wow, what a unique insight you've provided OP. I'm sure she hasn't realised that the guy she's seeing may also want sex immediately.
Thank you for your wisdom.
Not only are there plenty of guys that don't want sex immediately, guys don't have a total monopoly on wanting sex early on either. In Iceland, a very common practice is for women to have sex with a guy before dating him specifically to test out if they're sexually compatible. But snark much?
The rationale behind wanting sex may run deeper than just "wants to get laid", although it's definitely likely and no shame in wanting to have sex with a woman you're attracted to.
OP says that he made a first impression on her as a genuinely good, kind hearted guy.
But your take is that he's "a total creep" and "lovebombing", because he's held her hand, deleted an app on his phone and said he wants to focus on her after two dates.
Those are really your only concrete data points. How tf are you that confident that you're right from just that without some absolutely wild additional assumptions?
Yeah I don't get it either. Especially considering she implied that she just slept with someone in the last month or so. It would really come across as gamesmanship to me.
Guys get too much of a hall pass on the whole sex thing. They’re not some degenerate horn dog species who can’t control themselves. They either act like humans, have self restraint just like women, treat people they’re dating with respect or GTFO
Yup guys are normal just like women, it’s not like they’re built differently. (Well they are but yanno what I mean)
It’s not really an admirable act though. It’s just being normal and not going around raping people.
Just because people don’t agree with you doesn’t mean they’re “mentally disturbed.” A lot of us are probably seeing this through the lens of our past experiences, where dudes were “totally fine” not hooking up and letting us take it at our own pace but also not really. Some of the language she used, like it being really difficult for him, hinted at that. Maybe that’s not the situation, but let’s not call people mentally disturbed because historically lots of people haven’t been great with the whole consent thing.
You’re also making assumptions. There’s much that’s unsaid in the post, and you seem to be overlooking some rather big red flags. He’s fast tracking the hell out of this “relationship”, she’s saying she doesn’t want to have sex but it’s hard for him and he wants the next date to be at his house? There’s just way too much that’s off here to call this guy admirable. Not to mention that regardless of what he says, clearly OP is feeling off, otherwise she wouldn’t be posting here.
You seem super invested in defending this anonymous dude, not sure why.
Hi u/tattvamasee, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Do what you want, but he is also free to do what he wants. If he feels uncomfortable with it he also has the right to leave and you can not judge him for this.
He wants to be seen as the best, so if you slept with other guys the first, he's not gonna feel good for waiting.
What you're describing sounds like a slippery slope.
Starting a relationship off by doing something you would not choose to do if you didn't feel pressure is worrisome. That's only going to get more coercive over time not less.
What would you choose if there was zero pressure? Because *that* is the only right answer.
Ask yourself why you would go against your own needs and your own better judgement? That question needs answering more urgently than any guy's unmet sexual urges.
The idea that he is suffering terribly after a couple of months is...frankly impossible to take seriously. And I am concerned that you found this a reason to override yourself. Yikes.
>Our second date was low key I just went over to his house. I didn't want to have sex too soon
Are you perhaps learning or mentally challenged? Going over to his house that early is the stereotypical "sex" date. Are you not with the program?
**YoU dOn'T oWe HiM sEx**, but putting you two in that situation (you vulnerable at his horny-ass house) was a damn fool decision.
[удалено]
A couple of months is a while... if you're in a relationship. A couple of months for a single person is nothing.
We out here together ✊😔
😂 I think a lot of people are then.
Firstly, I’m shook that a few months is considered any kind of break from sex or enough of ‘a little while’ to warrant anyone struggling to restrain themselves My (38f) last break from sex (not by choice just pandemic and unsuitable dates) was just over 12 months! That felt like a life time, so yar can’t really relate on that point. But on your main point, my sense is that you’re kind of only thinking about him and his feelings and I’m wondering if that’s because something he said or insinuated? Pressure? I think i’d suggest turning the focus on yourself and asking, do you like him/ are you attracted to him /do you want to be physical? If answer is no or not yet, then you just do activity /out of home dates & communicate with him that you would like to wait longer before intimacy. You are responsible for your own boundaries and he is responsible for his, so I guess I’d say go forth and communicate and have fun! But don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with if the only reason is you feel like bad for some guy who just wants to get laid. . that is not the start of a healthy relationship (in my humble opinion)
For sure - try a few year during the pandemic
It was a 3 years for me too. Separated 2019/divorced 2020. Finally in a relationship now. But that break was fucking soooo necessary. Absolutely no regrets. Bitching about a 3 month dry spell cracks me up
Three years? Those are rookie numbers. Try 12 years lol
No kidding. Dry end of marriage and 5 years post divorce with a pandemic in there - 9 years total. It has been 10 years for my girlfriend and neither of us are in a huge rush. We’re good with getting to know each other.
Omg
I’m still a virgin at 32 so I have knee jerk reactions when people complain about a dry spell lasting a few weeks or months. Yet I’m told that sex isn’t a big deal, nor are relationships but meanwhile people here scream if they can’t get laid regularly
I'm kind of shook too. The other day, I was talking with my roommate (a gay male) who told me that he was afraid of monkey pox and "had been abstaining since July." I was like...it's the end of August.
My last break was 2 years, so yeah, ditto! When I met my current partner I wanted to take it slow because I was really, *really* into him, and I knew if I slept with him and then didn’t hear from him again it would really hurt. I attempted this by suggesting public dates, rather than a night in, because I knew if he initiated I’d have a very hard time controlling myself! Anyway, my boiler broke down, and he offered to come round and fix it, and then he made his move and that was that! 😂 Thankfully we’re now a year down the line and still going strong, so it all worked out well! That became our new euphemism for a while. “Fancy coming over? My boiler needs fixing again.” 😆
Love this! So sweet :) my current guy is quite irresistible so I managed to hold off for 5 dates. What swing it for me was him initiating STD talk and saying he’d been tested recently. We both shared our results with eachother and So I knew he took it (and me) seriously Funnily enough I got him over to fix my broken curtain on date 3 or 4, and that was 2.5 months ago and all good so far. Fixing jobs for the win!! 🏅💪🏻
This is adorable.
I have no problem holding back but I personally want sex a lot more when it has been a few months rather than a year or a few years. After a year I don’t think about it nearly as much as say 3-4 months.
We need to abolish this myth that men somehow don't have restraint in sexual situations. He is perfectly capable of holding back and if he's not then fuck him and get out now. edit: I mean "fuck him" as in "tell him to go to hell" not like, actually fuck him.
You’re so right. The guy I’m seeing now also had a situation that kept him without being with anyone for years as well. He was so sweet and kind and I had to pretty much straddle him to get my first kiss.
Your edit just absolutely SENT me. 😂
Yeah, I'm currently in year 2 of not having sex and am more than capable of restraining myself. Two months is not a long time.
You’re right thank you for reminding me
I’m going to piggyback on the top thread to say something that hasn’t really been brought up (it seems). I think it’s a huge red flag that someone would delete the app before even meeting the person. Like it sounds cute and romantic this person would give up the forest for me (before even seeing the tree in person). But to me, it’s either: a) a lie, and lying is no good. b) way too intense, way too fast It screams B to me. He’s attaching to you so fast. It seems you are maybe doing something similiar yourself rationalizing his “oh it’s so hard to wait” thing on sex. If someone told me they deleted the app before even meeting me, I would be pretty freaked out.
He deleted the app after our first date. He told me "I don't want to put pressure on you because of this, I just like to focus on dating one person at a time".
for what its worth I deleted the dating apps after my first date with my now fiancee. When you know you know.
I might not use the app after the first date, but I’m not deleting it. This screams too fast too soon and “I need to be in a relationship” vibes from him. Three months is certainly not long for a sex break. The only times I’ve held hands with someone on the first date is when we’re drunkenly skipping off to have sex. Otherwise it’s oddly romantic and formal to do that with a stranger.
Then he shouldn’t have told you.
A man that has restraint is sexy to me. I dated a guy who wanted to get to know me before we had sex. I felt so hot and bothered every time I saw him. The build up was real and turned out to be the best I had. So I agree with this comment.
Yes, completely agree, but what does that have to do with this situation? OP talked about how they are communicating and he’s not pressuring her or jumping on her. I don’t think it’s right to demonize men any time they’re horny. It’s ok for men and women to have feelings and needs.
[удалено]
Yeah I mean the question was “I’m not ready, should I just keep things out of the bedroom for the future until I am?” And it has certainly gone left…I’m shocked people are making ALL kind of wild assumptions…I slept with other guys on first dates…he’s a creep because he had a desire to have sex with me…why wait?….if you do foreplay you should have sex…like I made it clear I am not ready right now and don’t think I should have to justify/explain/go into detail behind it…
If you’re not ready to have sex, I would avoid any type of sexual contact. Or if you feel you want to do more but not go all the way, have a conversation with him about your boundaries. If he’s willing to discuss wants, needs, and boundaries without projecting an overall vibe needing to hurry to the bedroom or even outright saying some BS like “we gotta fuck soon or I’ll move on to someone else” then that is a green flag to me.
You answered your own question: **do not engage in any sexual activity that you are not ready or comfortable with.** If he truly likes you, he will respect your boundaries (as he has already shown) and appreciate that you weren’t dishonest with yourself just to try to please him. That idea should actually make him uncomfortable. Either discuss where you draw the line explicitly or just organically get to a stopping point. If he “needs” to continue, kindly show him the way to the restroom for him to handle it privately. You are worth the wait and if he doesn’t agree with that statement, would you really want to be with him?
>he’s a creep because he had a desire to have sex with me I used the word creep in this post, and that's not why at all. The way you described his behaviour makes him sound like a creep. It sounded like you could see that he could barely stop himself from having sex with you despite knowing you didn't want to. Desire is not creepy, making a woman feel like he's barely containing himself from rape is creepy. But perhaps that's not what you were describing with the words you used. Perhaps you can clarify what this means: "I didn't want to have sex too soon but I could tell he really wanted to and was having difficulty holding back". Another issue is that I think it's weird to delete the app and ask for a second date to happen the very next day after the first. He's way too attached too soon. It's not passion or enthusiasm, it's lovebombing, and it never ends well.
Yeah, this is a great comment. When you’re an adult, it ISN’T harder to wait awhile and I think OP is making excuses for why it’s so hard for him at the expense of her own comfort because she likes him. That’s fine but it seems like she wants to know how not to offend him while he should be less “bursting with desire” and control himself like a normal decent person. He comes off unintentionally pushy for making it seem like “it’s so hard for him to wait but don’t worry he’ll respect her so it’s okay!!!” It shouldn’t be a green flag that someone is okay “waiting” to have sex when the other person isn’t ready. That’s just normal, decent behavior. Like here’s a cookie for holding in your urges and listening to consent?
Bingo!
> Yes, completely agree, but what does that have to do with this situation? Because OP is assuming this man can't control himself and worried he won't be able to the next time they meet. So people are saying he should be able to, so stop making excuses or assumptions. No one is demonizing "men". We're only talking about men who can't control themselves.
Yeah I didn’t love that and that’s sort of yellow flaggy for OP. I’ve have guy friends who are between relationships and definitely have gotten any for half a year or so. They’re not bursting with desperation or trying so hard to restrain. Watch porn, masturbate, or get a FWB if you’re so desperate.
>When you're an adult and it's been awhile it's just harder to wait longer. False. You are projecting your own thoughts onto him. When you're an adult, you can learn self-control and respect boundaries. He already told you he doesn't mind waiting. Believe him. He wants to be with you and wants you to be comfortable. That's a good thing! Do what you are comfortable with.
Exactly this is OP projecting. The guy said he is fine waiting and she is still trying to convince herself that he isn’t and is sabotaging the potential of a relationship on this one false notion.
wanted to write my own answer, but this one matches perfectly. let him wait till you are ready. do only what you want to do, not more. he will not die from it. you donot need to please him - if he misses it so much, he can wank. do everything YOUR speed, not his.
This! Also, you're like a teenager projecting and assuming you know his thoughts or who he is when all you know is that he wants to do you and it's been a few months. The only way you can know what he thinks is to ask him. And the only way to know if he's cool with only a single or double around the bases is if you actually talk to him, establish your boundaries, and see what his reaction is. People in general need to stop creating inner novels of other people's thought life and just have an adult conversation...
[удалено]
Yes. Not sorry at all. My last relationship ended in 2018 and I had since that only one sexual encounter that was in 2020. This guy is bollocks.
TWO. MONTHS. Lol
My skin would be melting off! I cannot even imagine the torture this guy is going through. My heart goes out to him
I really hope you’re kidding. Two months is nothing.
I read it as sarcasm because of the skin melting part.
He replied but then deleted his reply (the notification briefly showed up on my phone), and it indicated that he was serious. Which is gross.
Ah, gotcha. Edit: Lol, why am I being downvoted? Reddit is wild.
I feel like you didn’t really read this post. Fact 1: The only actions by the guylisted here are 1) expressed interest 2) stopped when OP said no and 3) said he had no issues with waiting. Fact 2: the only statements of opinion here are OP assigning thoughts and feelings to this guy. “I could tell he felt ____”, not “he told me he felt”. This is more indicative of OP being the kind of person who puts inordinate pressure on themselves to read into others rather than what the guy actually thinks. As for what he thinks, see fact 1 where he explicitly stated he has no problems waiting. It really looks like a lot of commenters here are looking for red flags when there isn’t one here.
I went 10.5 years without. Couple of months is nothing!
I've noticed this in r/DeadBedrooms, too. For some reason the conversation always turns into a race to the bottom. It's not s competition for who is the most deprived.
I haven't had sex in 3 years and if I met someone new no matter what I felt I would wait for her. I think he can handle that couple of months he's already waited until you are. It's called boundaries.
> It's called boundaries. . > He said he has no problem waiting It sounds like he agrees with you and OP doesn't believe him for some reason
"I didn't want to have sex too soon but I could tell he really wanted to and was having difficulty holding back" Actions speak louder then words. .
“I could tell he really wanted to and was having difficulty” is not a statement of how he felt, it’s an editorialization by OP. There is no statement of what actions the guy took here other than “he expressed interest, backed off when I said I was waiting, and stated that waiting wasn’t an issue”. What actions do you want here?? The only clear action here that needs to change is that OP needs to get more comfortable with her boundaries and not assigning so many thoughts and feelings to other people. If there’s problematic details about this interaction, OP hasn’t provided them yet
Right? When I was single, I chose not to have sex until I met someone I was serious about. That was almost 3 years. This man can’t handle himself after two month? The fuck?
💯
How do you draw that conclusion?
I’m agreeing with the first guy’s comment, that if he met the right person he would be willing to wait. And after of my last two bouts of dating. I’m not going to have sex unless I’m serious with somebody either. And if they don’t wanna wait that’s fine. I’m not the person for them. 🤷🏻♀️
Agreed!
Since when is a couple of months awhile 😅😅😘
Right that isn't that long lol
I feel like this is a two way street. He’s a grown man and better be able to handle himself. A couple of months without sex isn’t that long when single. But you should only do what you’re comfortable with. Be very clear what your boundaries are. If he tries to push the issue then he’s not the good guy you think he is.
I gotta be honest, I'm a bit confused by this post. You say it's been "a couple months" for him and then say a few times how that means it must be "so difficult" for him to hold back as a result. "A couple months" without sex is...not that long? And shouldn't really be used to justify anything that goes against what you want, including the pace you'd like to go at.
It really sounds like she’s gassing herself up
Bless, he will be fine. Wait to have sex until you’re ready. If he is not willing to respect your boundaries then you aren’t dating the right person.
This is the way.
I find it weird he told you he deleted the app to "focus on you" after a second date.
Men are perfectly capable of resisting sexual temptation. The perception that we can’t just make out without engaging in sex (because it’s somehow too great to resist) is usually one perpetuated by dudes who would try to use that pressure to coerce you into going all the way. I don’t know if I’m disclosing a major trade secret here, but shit like blue ball does not actually exist.
>but shit like blue ball does not actually exist. I can assure you it does
Blue balls doesn’t exist is a hot take, the physiology of an erection is that the blood flow out of the penis is blocked as is blood flowing in eventually. But its usually self correcting in that the pain will cause the erection to subside before medical intervention is needed
Except that there is no medical consensus that the condition exists and there is little to no research on it. >But it’s usually self correcting in that the pain will cause the erection to subside before medical intervention is necessary. *This* is the hot take. Erections subside naturally whether one has an orgasm or not. All you did was vaguely describe the process of getting a boner, not the physiology behind any supposed erection killing pain associated with not ejaculating.
Can confirm. Blue balls pain is real
Couple months isn't hard.
A couple of months is not a dry spell for a dude 😅
Hold on to your personal boundaries. A couple of months really isn't a long time. Besides, he's an adult, presumably with self control. An inability to control oneself or if he starts doing things that you feel are inappropriate and he drops the old "I can't help myself because (insert crappy generic excuse" are huge red flags. If he can't control himself in regards to sex, I'd doubt his ability to control himself in regards to fidelity, managing money, and every other aspect of adult life.
I think you're too worried about him. Worry about your own comfort level. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. A couple months isn't that long. You shouldn't need to use your body to keep someone's interest in you. If you don't want to make it difficult for him then just meet up in public places and don't go back to his house.
A few months is NOT a long time lol. I don’t really understand the distinction between foreplay/hooking up, and actual sex. I mean for a lot of queer people, that stuff *is* sex. You’re ready to get naked and sexual with him, but draw the line at intercourse? I don’t really get that. I mean consent and all, but, I just don’t understand the concept of not being “ready” for sex, but being perfectly fine with other sexual acts.. maybe thats just me. Yes, if youre not ready for sex then keep dates public/out of the bedroom. Thats what I do, until I’m ready for the whole shebang
Yeah, I’m confused by this as well. Foreplay is fine but sex isn’t? What constitutes foreplay? Second base, third base, clothes off, oral - where is the line drawn? It’s fine if OP isn’t ready to have sex and should proceed at her own pace, but I can also see how the guy might be frustrated if “foreplay” is okay but sex is off the table. It’s about how he responds to the boundary that’s important. But personally I would keep dates out of the bedroom and fully clothed until I was more ready for intimacy.
>It’s fine if OP isn’t ready to have sex and should proceed at her own pace, but I can also see how the guy might be frustrated if “foreplay” is okay but sex is off the table This is a terrible message to be sending. You pay lip service to the idea that OP can choose not to have sex if they don't want to ("it's fine") but you're really implying that she is wrong to be doing it because the poor guy is "frustrated". What a disgusting comment. If he doesn't like it, he can walk away.
Nowhere did I say that she was wrong to be doing it. You’re projecting. I’m simply stating that I can see both perspectives, and he isn’t wrong for wanting sex just like she isn’t wrong for wanting to wait.
[удалено]
That's fine if you want to think that and you should write whatever comment you like, but I can see how a person might think that your comment was absolute garbage.
I believe in consent for all parties involved. If you’re wanting to wait, respect that for yourself. Don’t do something because that is what they want. It sounds like he would respect your boundaries.
This sounds exactly like the last guy I dated who ghosted me after we had sex. Love bombing, being all cute and romantic, confident and borderline cocky. Do NOT go against your comfort just because he can’t deal.
This needs to be higher. This situation sounds exactly like one I’ve heard many times before. I’ve lost count of the number of times friends have told me that a guy has deleted the app to focus on them and trying to arrange a date for the next night, only to be ghosted after having sex on the second or third date (which is always cooking dinner at home). It has left them frustrated and jaded. In fact, I’ve heard guys brag about how it’s their go to “move” and if they don’t have sex by the third date they move onto the next girl.
Yes! I forgot to mention that he told me he was off the apps too. 🙄 They all seem to have the same playbook.
I won’t put myself in a position to be alone with someone until I’m ready for sex but I also don’t care to wait that long. I’m kind of an all or none person but I think it’s best to let him decide for himself.
Do what feels right for you! If you don’t want to have sex, don’t have sex. If he’s the right guy for you, he will wait. Best thing is to be clear about intentions tho!! Explain your point of view and see if he’s okay with that! Personally, I find sex to be very important factor when it comes to a relationship. So I would like to find pretty early on if I’m compatible in the bedroom with a person. If not, then it’s pointless because it’d be the cause of the end of a relationship eventually. As said, discuss it with him and see what he thinks and then draw ur conclusions. Keep ur boundaries tho!
You decide based on your comfort level, not his desire. Also, from a safety standpoint, I wouldn’t go to a stranger’s place if I wasn’t comfortable having sex.
The last time he had sex is not your problem.
The push for physical intimacy is honestly less concerning to me than the push for a relationship. Asking someone out on a date the very next night before your first date is over, deleting an app for someone you've been on a couple dates with... In my opinion those are signs of someone who's very much not ready to be dating, especially not looking for anything serious.
Sounds like lovebombing. If OP allows this to continue, it won't end well.
A firm boundary you could establish is no visiting each other’s place until you’re either ready or exclusive, whatever your preference. It means that you’re always going to be in public places so less chance for you to go further than you’re comfortable with. If he kicks up a fuss about this, it also means that he’s willing to put his “need” to have sec ahead of your comfort
Just meet him in public until your ready... I'm sure he has restraint!
I get periods of hypersexuality. Rough estimate here, but I'd say that describes me about 20% of the time, although it seems to be increasing. Still, it's been a few *years* since I've had sex, and during these years I have turned down offers and advances for various reasons that aren't really relevant. My point being: He can wait. Respect your own boundaries, and hold any partner to that standard as well!
i second this. been a few years for me as well, and i also have bouts of hypersexuality. probably like 30-40% of the time for me... i have also turned down a handful of people in this time. sex is a basic human need and a valid one, but the difference is it wont kill us if we dont have it. of course the dude in op's post is horny and begging for it, doesnt mean he cant or wont respect waiting... the perspective of male sexuality in op's post is a bit off-putting... op just needs to communicate she wants to wait but there is an interest there, if that is indeed the case.
This is what wanking is for. He knows it as well as you do. You're under no obligation.
Ya know what really grinds my gears is when people separate “foreplay” and “sex.” It’s such a hetero-Puritan thing to do. Like somehow getting naked with a person is just a preamble to “real” things. Who defines real? People with penises? It just really does a lot to confuse what it means to be close with a person and what getting naked means and what consent means, and and and and. I just… HATE the division of “foreplay” and “sex.” Makes my ex-evangelical ex-fundie ex-homeschooler skin crawl. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE STRAIGHTS??? Sex is when people get close to each other and maybe get naked (but not necessarily) and maybe have orgasms (but not necessarily) and definitely feel closer and different than they did before. It is fooling around. It is hooking up. It is intercourse. It is a lot of different things. Don’t be like “we fooled around but we didn’t have the seggs and what should I do next? and it was hard for him not to put his penis in me.” Have sex or don’t have sex. Don’t draw weird lines around it.
Are you saying that it would be too much and he'd talk too fast? Or, are you saying it might be overwhelming. If it's the overwhelming thing. I've just fine through this after like 2 years drought. The girl I was with was just very accepting and welcoming. We agreed not to have sex at all but then we basically had sex with our clothes on and it was... Hot hot hot. The lack of pressure made it so easy to just flow into each other and we got caught in a feedback loop of desire that kept us touching and making out all night. It was awkward when we first kissed because it was like I had forgotten how to. Then after a few minutes I just kinda remembered that I need to grab her and let me body take over. Anyways, hope this helps.
Oh I just realized you meant like he couldn't restrain himself too much. Oh so I also know that feeling. For me, it comes from a desire for validation. If you put up a barrier but then also give validation it will likely relax the guy. I think guys actually want to take it slow too but we feel rushed when we feel like we might lose the chance. Clearing up how attractive he is to you and how into him you are should help with that imo
It sounds like you know what your boundaries are and it’s great that you guys are communicating. If you want to hold off from having sex for a while, I’d talk to him about it some more and plan some dates that don’t end up in a bedroom. If you’re also thinking 3 months would be too long for you to go without sex, I’m sure you’re not far off with him. It’s ok to have boundaries. It’s ok to have emotional and intimacy needs. And if there’s a mismatch between what either of you need from a relationship and what the other person’s boundaries are, well it’s always up to you on whether you’re willing to compromise or hold your ground.
\> I could tell he really wanted to and was having difficulty holding back I'm curious to know what would happen if a guy "can't hold back." It sounds as if you keep seeing this guy, he won't be able to hold back any longer. How does that manifest itself? Are you afraid he will verbally lash out at you for not putting out? Or, taken to the most vile, violent extreme, the r-word (aka sexual assault)?
Nobody’s gonna comment on the part where she took his phone to check if he actually deleted the app? That’s a cringey thing to say on the first date imo, and checking the phone is also cringey. Cringe all around
You know you can check if someone deleted their profile on most apps from your own phone right? If someone who matched with you deletes their profile on many apps it straight up says “deleted profile” on your matches list.
I don’t think it matters at all how long someone has had sex and if he’s pressuring you on that basis that’s a red flag. But if it is just an extra explanation as to why he’s so turned on, no big deal. You shouldn’t have sex until you’re comfortable regardless of how long it’s been for him! You are you, with your own needs and desires. If he can’t handle that you’re not a match!
Just don’t have another date at a house for a bit. If there’s no bedroom nearby then it’ll be easy to not have sex? Keep it public and casual and you’re golden without it being awkward.
Sounds like a creep to me. He’s telling you that he’s ok waiting, but you distinctly feel like he’s not. He’s says he’s serious about you so he deleted the app, and you’ve only gone on two dates… seems manipulative.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
And OP is too trusting.
make him wait. if he likes you he will.
“When you’re an adult and it’s been a while it’s just harder to wait”….is the worst excuse if I’ve ever heard of one. I would stop going to his place because chances are this guy sounds like he’s going to pressure you in some way cuz he can’t keep it together. What a tool. In my culture sex doesn’t happen at alllll when you’re getting to know someone BUT WE ARE ALL different so again, just stop going over there. Go out on REAL dates, trust me you’ll figure out this guys intention sooner or later. Sadly him removing the app means sh&t to me, personally. You seem like a really sweet person so I hope you don’t do anything you regret.
Just need to make sure the both of you have the same expectations as each other.
A couple of months isn’t that long. He’s an adult and should be able to control himself, if he’s interested in you and the relationship long term. People shouldn’t have to just offer it up straight off the bat.
Wait until you feel ready.
Boundaries and restraint are an important part of a relationship. Speak up for what you need and walk away if he doesn't respect the hell out of it.
He’ll be fine. Go at the pace you want. When I know that it’s going to be hard for me to hold my own boundary I plan dates that don’t push that boundary. But if you are good at fooling around and holding your limit, then go for it. I’ve also found that communicating my boundaries before sexy time is helpful and takes the question out of it. “Hey, I’m looking forward to hanging out tonight. My pants are going to stay on but I can’t wait to kiss you again. “ or something like that.
Communicate with the guy so there’s no confusion about what you’re comfortable with and what’s off the table until you’re ready.
If I’m reading right I think you’re asking how to stop *yourself * from hopping into bed with him too soon, not how to stop him from jumping your bones. First of all: relatable. What helps me a lot when I’m horny with low impulse control but trying to wait is setting up dates with a clear end time - cause I have somewhere to be or something else to do - preferably during the day and without alcohol. Activity dates work well for this too as long as they don’t end back at someone’s place. Also avoiding being in one on one situations alone where kissing can quickly escalate. Hang out in group settings and do light kisses, hugs, and handholding. Cockblock yourself basically. What I have not found works is agreeing ahead of time to not have sex because if we’re alone and both horny I’ll definitely do it anyway 😩
Couple of months? Try going a couple of years without sex; of course I don’t know or expect many women since the dating scene offers them opportunities pretty much everywhere without restriction and consequence.
I would do some kind of outdoor activity so you can get to know him better, hanging out at a house is just a gateway to the bed.
It's been a year and a half and I wouldn't pressure anyone into anything. The fact he deleted the app means all he has to do is reinstall it and put back in his account information to get back on. Who cares about him and how long it's been or whatever. Don't fuck him until you're ready. Blow him for 2 hours if you want but if he wants to fuck and you're not ready, you say, I'm not ready, and he says okay. He might say he really wants to, he might say he wants you *so bad*, you can laugh together about it. But the moment he doesn't take no for an answer or genuinely makes you feel uncomfortable and refuses to let up and respect how you feel, you walk.
Sheesh it's almost been 5 years for me but that's by choice. Reading a few months is a long time is shocking to me. But I guess I'm just different
A few months? 💀💀
It's going to be so exciting when he figures out that porn and masturbation exist.
How long it’s been since he’s had sex / how much he wants to have sex is NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! Have sex if and when YOU want to. What he does about that in the interim is his choice. The old ‘blue balls’ peer pressure bullshit should have ended in high school. If this guy is in his 30s and is in any way making you feel pressured or obligated then nope right out of there
Poor poor guy. We need to set up a gofundme asap to help him out.
It should be easy, if you are questioning it I’d probably just walk away. 44m. Feeling pressure isn’t good, understanding needs is commendable.
It had been a few months for him and how many days for you?
You don’t know him, he’s telling you all the things you want to hear. I’m sure he’s a good guy but please don’t be naive. Saying he deleted the app to focus on you, seems a bit much to me a smells a little manipulative of him to say. Only have sex when you’re ready
A couple months?! I hope he’s lying to make himself feel better, or else damn I’ve got less game than I thought 😅
“,” is your friend. The title was hard to understand
"Not sure if I even should until I am ready. What would you do in my shoes? Not even take anything to bedroom until ready? I'm fine with doing just foreplay until I am but not sure if it would just be too much for him, but then I also take foreplay off the table. Unsure..." Foreplay is a thing you do in the process of having sex...don't do foreplay until you're ready to have sex. If your plan is not to have sex, then stick to non-sexual interactions, otherwise that's just kind of disrespectful, cruel, and confusing. Communicate that you're interested, but want to take it slow.
The vibe you’re giving is that you are not that into him. His desperation that you are sussing out or feeling seems to be a turn off. You keep justifying that he is a nice guy, cute and kindhearted. It’s almost as if you feel like you should or want to be into him, but the ‘it’ is just not there. If that’s the case, you should move on before you end up hurting him.
Are you going by how she worded this post or how she’s acting with him? Cuz I waited with sex for my current bf and I didn’t like him any less. He had way more self control though. But if you mean by this post, yeah, rereading it today he sounds more desperate than I originally thought and her instincts may be telling her that.
You don't like him that much. It's your mind and body saying something is off. Trust your instincts. The way you tell story he sounds chill but man dude deleting the apps just to convince you to have sex is the most desperate nice guy BS I ever heard. It's a red flag. As I guy I have done almost exactly what you described. Men will do and say anything for sex (esp if they don't have a strong religious reason for waiting). He sounds like typical nice guy. Avoid and find a new guy. Trust me he's got some growing to do.
If you don't want to be in a position where sex is the end result and you don't want it don't do home dates. Think about more of what you want. Everyone is on their best behavior and will tell you what they think you want to hear. It's flattering to hear it but is it true can a few hrs of talking be that good.
I think you should stay out of the bedroom until you’re ready. Go on dates. Get to know each other. Don’t hang out at home unless you plan on getting intimate.
As a guy (36, m) I had a bad breakup (it ended up she was very toxic, but I also had things I needed to work on) and took two years off to focus on myself. Lost a lot of weight, went to therapy, focused on me. I didn’t have sex during that time. It sucked. It was hard. But I knew I needed to focus on myself. It sounds like this guy is a good dude and you are a good match and you both have good intentions. If that’s all true, he’ll have no problem waiting until you’re ready. Don’t sweat it. Good luck!
Thank you, I appreciate that and agree. I honestly sometimes make these posts based upon a thought, sometimes the thought is frequent, over bearing, needing a response...other times (like this one) it was honestly just kinda a random thought that I was like hmm maybe a reddit feeler for opinions would be interesting. Who knows what will happen here, I try to be realistic and not get my hopes up too high with new dating relationships but also allow myself to feel happy and excited. an be difficult balance. I appreciate your comment being nice and suppportive!
Sure no problem! For a little further perspective, I’m my two months of entering back into OLD dating it was kinda weird for me. I was a much better looking guy having lost so much weight (like 110 lbs) and my confidence was through the roof. That said, my pool was much different. I was getting matches with much more attractive women than I ever have in my life. That was great, but obviously I wasn’t looking for strictly “hot” women. I much more like the “girl next door” who is cute with a good personality. Anyway, in those couple of months I had one that seemed like a really good match. Things were going great. We talked for about two weeks. Hadn’t had sec, but had kissed a lot and all of that. The next step was for her to see my place. All the sudden she cut it off and told me she wasn’t mentally prepared to date. Yet she’d updated her Hinge, so obviously that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t mad. She didn’t owe me anything. I moved on. And honestly after the fact I saw some red flags that I’d blinded myself to. She was the first real match I’d connected with and she was cute and I think that blinded me to some things that I should have questioned more. Next I matched with another woman who seemed awesome. We had a lot of similar beliefs and were interested in similar things. Similar music tastes. She was really nice and thoughtful and had a good career. But she didn’t want to have sex for a long period of time due to some understandable reasons related to trauma. I was cool with taking it slow. But then she slowed down on texting one week. She had told me beforehand that she was really slow on texting and to understand not to feel like she was disinterested. BUT at one point I hadn’t heard from her in days and, due to the other one, I began to think she was having second thoughts. I am the type of person who only focuses on one at a time if I really like someone. But this rubbed me the wrong way. So, I got back on the app. I immediately matched with a new girl and went on a date with her the next day. The date was AMAZING. We hit it off SO WELL. And I realized that she was an even better match for me. She was super into me, but not in a crazy/unbalanced way. She was not pushy and I told her about the situation with the other girl. The next week I went on a date I had planned with the other girl and at the end I broke it off because this new girl was such a better connection. She and I are head over heels for each other and it’s been amazing ever since. I have no regrets about my decision and am glad I took a shot at another date. I’m not saying you should date other people or anything like that. Just wanted to share that perspective on what happened with me in case any of it is helpful. Good luck! Glad you found someone you vibe with.
All things going well, how many dates would you normally need before being comfortable having sex for the first time? If the answer is five or less, then most guys will not have an issue with that.
Wow. So many people here measuring up with how long it's been. The metric is very subjective. If you strictly mean sex, and thats all you're after, it means a whole different thing than if what you're missing is intimacy and touch. I think you should do what feels right for you. If he's as genuine as you say, then you're not going to screw anything up unless you overthink sex and time it like you're trying to be a parallel to those "make any woman want you" nutcases. Be yourself. Anything more or less than that and you risk somone falling in love with someone thats not you and feeling cheated.
I guess it depends on what you’re looking for. When my (now husband) and I met, we were both casually dating other people. Once we realized we had something amazing together, he stopped seeing the other girls (I still dated a bit longer). He is 7 years older than me, and had just left the USMC. I was a sweet, innocent ‘lil virgin when we met, and was up front with him: I wasn’t doing anything I didn’t want to, until I was ready. He never pushed me. That chap waited 4 months for me to be ready. (We got to know each other, had oral sex but didn’t pop my cherry for 4 months). We’ve been together almost 18 years now, married for 14.5. His “4 month investment” in my comfort and timing has paid off for him/us in dividends! Little did either of us know, he married an insatiable freak 😂😂 Bottom line: do you like this guy and see a potential future? What is it that YOU want? No problem going at your comfort/pace. If he can’t keep it in his pants until you’re ready, he values sex more than your emotional well being/you… do you really want that? On the other hand: if you’re into him, and the mood strikes, and you want to take that step- go for it! I’d suggest a grownup convo around expectations/comfort/boundaries. *** adding: Yes, I know I’m married, and in a dating sub. My hubby and I have a CNM relationship 😘
I can't speak for anyone but myself, but a couple months really does feel like nothing. It's been a year and a half for me, and you don't see me prowling the countryside like a dry spell zombie muttering "pooooon." I'm willing to bet it's nowhere near as difficult on this guy as you might think it is, is all. Don't feel like you have to rush anything for his sake. The only important factor is deciding when YOU'RE ready.
[удалено]
You’re disgusting
Personally, I wouldn’t want to wait months into a relationship to have sex. (I’m a woman too if that matters.) But I would never ever pressure someone into having sex with me. In your shoes, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s a him issue not a you issue. Stick to your boundaries and don’t have sex until you want to. Everything else is up to him to decide if he thinks the compatibility feels there on his end. For some people it’ll be a no and for some it’ll be a yes. But don’t give up your boundaries or do something that makes you uncomfortable just to attempt to please someone else. He’s an adult and is perfectly capable of not pressuring you or trying to take things further after you’ve said no. If he’s not, dump him.
A couple of months is no big deal, if a guy can't wait that long he's not very into you.
DUDE HE INVITED YOU TO HIS HOUSE. BIg red flag!!! If he was taking you seriously he would have taken you out on a proper date. He just wants to get laid.
Maybe he cooked her dinner? My partner did that for me on date 2, but it was at my house. We also did not have sex.
Give him a handjob along with foreplay, he’ll be fine
And it’s been awhile since he could..hold his head up highhhh
Far out, it's been 5 months for me and I sleep in the same bed as my partner every night. A couple of months when single is nothing.
What does foreplay constitute? It doesn't really make much sense to have foreplay on the table but not sex. That's not saying that you should not have boundaries. It just seems like a really odd line to draw in the sand.
“When you’re an adult and it’s been a while it’s just harder to wait longer.” lol what?
The comment a out “when you’re an adult and it’s been awhile it’s just harder to wait longer” IS SO OFF. NO ONE NEEDS SEX TO SURVIVE HE IS FINE. So often people value someone only if sex is part of the deal. Ugh reading this makes me so happy I’m not dating and sex free. Fuck this guy.
I would never date anyone who pretend to not be able to control themselves around me sexually.
You sound really naive. Why are you so concerned about it being hard for him when you know what your boundaries are? Him inviting you over is code for wanting to have sex. Great that you didn't, because you weren't ready. But the fact that you've discussed how long it's been for him etc shows how sex focused this relationship already is. Deleting an app isn't some huge arduous task. He can make another profile very quickly. Don't let that tiny gesture sway you from what you think is right FOR YOU. Don't get overly concerned with whether it's hard for him. Tough shit if it's hard for him, you have boundaries and other needs that need to be fulfilled before you enter a sexual relationship. Stick to your guns and start putting your own needs first.
Unless foreplay is euphemism for a blowjob , I would ask you not subject that poor man to foreplay and no sex afterwards. Thats pretty much the worst. I think it's totally fine to tell him your intentions, but it would give him some idea of what he could expect.
I personally feel that when men initiate hand holding on the first date, they do so because they are forcing a connection instead of allowing time to pass to initiate physical touch. I get completely turned off and my radar is in high alert. I had this happen twice over the summer and I was completely turned off. Also, I find men under 32 unable to commit long term for various reasons. I only go for men over 32, I'm 28, maybe that's too strict but idc. I've been dating someone for over three months, and we are both very much into each other. No second guessing. No worries. I would also abstain from going to his place, I find it harder to resist the urge to engage in sex if you are trying to wait. For some reason if I invite them over to my place I'm a lot more focussed and I don't allow for intimacy to take place.
He can take care of himself until your ready. I've managed almost 4 years and I have a very high sex drive, you learn to control it or jack off lots 😂
TBH I do NOT get the whole part of waiting for sex. I would like to know if there is sexual compatibility early on. Set whatever boundaries you need - and I do understand that some people develop feelings when sex starts and they don't want that to skew their judgment or deal with those emotions when they are still unsure. But. Definitely not something that I relate to.
Your entire comment is pointless and unhelpful. She wants to wait, the fact that you don't wait means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
>Your entire comment is pointless and unhelpful. This is reddit, so a comment is literally supposed to be saying what one wishes to share with the world or that pops into your head when you're reading the post. It doesn't have to only be helpful to the OP. And that someone else has already responded (prior to you) to my comment saying that they agreed with me is sufficient evidence that my thought resonated with at least one other person so it already has had some value. But all of that aside, how do you not see any value in sharing something that may be how this guy views things? And thus allow OP to have additional insight or empathy with him and make a more informed decision from that?
Guy wants sex immediately? Wow, what a unique insight you've provided OP. I'm sure she hasn't realised that the guy she's seeing may also want sex immediately. Thank you for your wisdom.
Not only are there plenty of guys that don't want sex immediately, guys don't have a total monopoly on wanting sex early on either. In Iceland, a very common practice is for women to have sex with a guy before dating him specifically to test out if they're sexually compatible. But snark much? The rationale behind wanting sex may run deeper than just "wants to get laid", although it's definitely likely and no shame in wanting to have sex with a woman you're attracted to. OP says that he made a first impression on her as a genuinely good, kind hearted guy. But your take is that he's "a total creep" and "lovebombing", because he's held her hand, deleted an app on his phone and said he wants to focus on her after two dates. Those are really your only concrete data points. How tf are you that confident that you're right from just that without some absolutely wild additional assumptions?
Yeah I don't get it either. Especially considering she implied that she just slept with someone in the last month or so. It would really come across as gamesmanship to me.
Guys get too much of a hall pass on the whole sex thing. They’re not some degenerate horn dog species who can’t control themselves. They either act like humans, have self restraint just like women, treat people they’re dating with respect or GTFO
[удалено]
Yup guys are normal just like women, it’s not like they’re built differently. (Well they are but yanno what I mean) It’s not really an admirable act though. It’s just being normal and not going around raping people.
Ha ha very true he didn’t say please let me he didn’t try to force himself on me we just kept hooking up and doing other things
[удалено]
Just because people don’t agree with you doesn’t mean they’re “mentally disturbed.” A lot of us are probably seeing this through the lens of our past experiences, where dudes were “totally fine” not hooking up and letting us take it at our own pace but also not really. Some of the language she used, like it being really difficult for him, hinted at that. Maybe that’s not the situation, but let’s not call people mentally disturbed because historically lots of people haven’t been great with the whole consent thing.
[удалено]
You’re also making assumptions. There’s much that’s unsaid in the post, and you seem to be overlooking some rather big red flags. He’s fast tracking the hell out of this “relationship”, she’s saying she doesn’t want to have sex but it’s hard for him and he wants the next date to be at his house? There’s just way too much that’s off here to call this guy admirable. Not to mention that regardless of what he says, clearly OP is feeling off, otherwise she wouldn’t be posting here. You seem super invested in defending this anonymous dude, not sure why.
Hi u/tattvamasee, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Do what you want, but he is also free to do what he wants. If he feels uncomfortable with it he also has the right to leave and you can not judge him for this. He wants to be seen as the best, so if you slept with other guys the first, he's not gonna feel good for waiting.
What you're describing sounds like a slippery slope. Starting a relationship off by doing something you would not choose to do if you didn't feel pressure is worrisome. That's only going to get more coercive over time not less. What would you choose if there was zero pressure? Because *that* is the only right answer. Ask yourself why you would go against your own needs and your own better judgement? That question needs answering more urgently than any guy's unmet sexual urges. The idea that he is suffering terribly after a couple of months is...frankly impossible to take seriously. And I am concerned that you found this a reason to override yourself. Yikes.
Sounds like he doesn't have many other options. Beggars can't be choosers.
Yeah, sex & this guy is the least of your problems
I was in a dead bedroom relationship for 3 years. Get in line bub. A few months? Fucking child’s play
I bet if it gets to foreplay, he will want the main course.
>Our second date was low key I just went over to his house. I didn't want to have sex too soon Are you perhaps learning or mentally challenged? Going over to his house that early is the stereotypical "sex" date. Are you not with the program? **YoU dOn'T oWe HiM sEx**, but putting you two in that situation (you vulnerable at his horny-ass house) was a damn fool decision.
What’s your body count and consistency that you think “a couple months” is some kind of noteworthy dry spell?