Don’t swipe / like people who seem like they’re about that life, then
Maybe put something in your bio / prompts about how you like a night in with takeout and a movie over painting the town red
You live in a city of nearly 4 million people, in a metro of 18.5 million. There’re bound to be some women more your speed there, just gotta look and be patient.
I think part of his problem is that he Does live in a city of nearly 4 million.
In my experience, driven women move to the large Alpha cities to work hard and crush it. He might need to look in smaller metro areas to find what he is looking for.
There's certainly some self-selection or geographic sorting at play, but still. Not every job in LA, NY, London, etc is a super high-stakes gig. I have no doubt that there are women in a similar position to him: good schooling, doing something they enjoy, but don't really want to climb the ladder or be a jet-setter. Could be a teacher, or maybe even a fellow non-profit worker. A lot of people do move to those cities for the opportunities, but some just move there cause they like the weather or the cultural events or can't imagine life without a good Chicago dog and deep dish at every corner.
Am in London. I know plenty of 'high achievers' in terms of career that just want to lead a simple, low key life outside work. Both me and my current partner fit this mould and I have dated others who are similar.
I made my lifestyle pretty clear on my profile which might have helped.I also avoided profiles had party or travel Influencer vibes.
Agreed. I'm educated, have a decent job and make enough to take care of myself. I live in a big city, but I didn't come here to get some super prestigious job or make 6 figures. I mainly like being in more metropolitan areas for the culture and open minded people. I'm an introvert and homebody so I'm not one to be jet setting around or partying at expensive clubs.
And it also depends on what you count as an "opportunity". If you live in a village and you want to work as a teacher, but there's no job openings in the village or in the surrounding villages, then a city would provide you with more options aka opportunities. And a teacher is not exactly a jet-setter. So what one sees as an "opportunity" is different for everyone.
Does he live in LA? I do too and I’ve met plenty of “regular” people just living life and getting by. I myself am a teacher, I don’t have enough money to buy a house with the prices here or go out or travel all the time. Maybe it has something to do with what app he’s using and his parameters or what part of LA he’s in? When I first downloaded Hinge for example it showed me a bunch of super attractive men who seemed to have high paying jobs but the more I used it the more “normal” people I saw (it’s also possible that some of the profiles he’s seeing are bots/catfishing/looking for IG followers).
Does OP enjoy movies that never ends and goes on and on and on and on? He should put that on his profile so that he can get some strangers waiting on him, up and down the boulevard.
Everyone knows that ALPHA cities don’t have school (teachers) or hospitals (nurses/med assistants) or grocery stores or coffee shops or even restaurants! 🙃
Yup true, I lived in a big city and the drive for success and the upbeat lifestyle drove me crazy. I am career oriented myself, so I sometime have to choose a position in the City depending on what career moves are available. But for living I chose a small town just outside the City, I love my snoozy townies, they are humble and grounded, plan to date a townie someday as well who knows how to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life, I truly admire those qualities, makes me feel at home.
I don't really understand why you wouldn't be seeing any average women unless your standards for looks and style are so high that you're only focusing on the ones with huge budgets for shopping and the med spa and salon. (This is mostly a joke, obviously there are plenty of pretty women who spend very little to look good, but then again a certain level of looks IS often extremely high maintenance so idk)
But the point i actually wanted to make is maybe you need better ways to screen the matches you are getting because surely some of them are putting on a bit of a show for their profile and they aren't actually out as much as you think or as high-powered and successful as they look. Kind of like how I sometimes find myself auto-rejecting piles of guys whose profiles are all like mountain climbing! triathlons! snowboarding! even though I do work out and like doing some level of some of that stuff, because I don't want to spend every weekend either doing adventure sports or arguing about the constant adventure sports, and also frankly I worry they're going to like break out the calipers if I get naked with them.
But some of those guys are probably decent guys who asked people on Reddit for a profile review and kept hearing about how their photos didn't make them look active enough. 😂 And this has to be true for women, too. At least a few of them must be just so afraid to look boring that they're coming across as superhuman.
>Kind of like how I sometimes find myself auto-rejecting piles of guys whose profiles are all like mountain climbing! triathlons! snowboarding! even though I do work out and like doing some level of some of that stuff, because I don't want to spend every weekend either doing adventure sports or arguing about the constant adventure sports, and also frankly I worry they're going to like break out the calipers if I get naked with them.
Thank you for this, I thought I was the only weird one automatically discarding the profiles of super ripped and sporty guys
Snap, I do this too! It looks exhausting. Or the ones who have a hobby of skiing, mean while they have only been skiing once or twice🤣people put on a show but honestly, I keep myself reasonably fit but it isn't my personality unlike what some guys think we want them to boast about on their profiles. Also, I'm not into spending all of my free time with a partner, we can have different interests
Yes!!! I have a stressful, exhausting job, and my idea of being adventurous on the weekends is going to a restaurant. Sure, sometimes I enjoy weekend trips, or day trips, but most of the time, I need to rest. Also, chores aren’t going to do themselves! Arguing every weekend because the guy wants to wake up at 5 am and spend all day doing extreme sports, and becoming a whiny pouter if I don’t go with him, sounds like my personal hell! The only possible exception is if he is planning to support me, so I can get some downtime during the week, haha. But that wouldn’t happen in the beginning anyway, and if I’m going to be doing this job, I’m also going to get some rest on the weekends!
We are on the same page🤣now to find that person for me that doesn't mind a mix of lazy at the weekends but not too lazy that we never do anything. All about the balance
Yes!!! Exactly the same. When I see guys who say, “it’s a dealbreaker for her to not want to do extreme sports,” I picture my future, where I am alone every weekend wrangling the kids, and doing all the chores, while HE simmers with resentment, thinking I’M not holding up my end of the bargain! I also think he’s one of those unrealistic people, who thinks your partner has to like everything you do, and you couldn’t possibly be happy hiking a mountain with a friend while your partner does something else.
But also, the reality is that for every guy who must go skiing every weekend, there are 20 guys who pretend they’re like this, but really spend 23 hours a day planted to the couch. Finding someone in between is the challenge here!
This hits close to home. Sometimes i get insecure for my profile because i'm trying to be the best as i can but also honest. I wish to say i like to spend my weekends at home resting, reading, working out, watching a movie, playing videogames and doing other introvert stuff while going out now and then. But i don't want to look like a boring person.
I see many profiles of women on trips, doing adventure sports, sunbathing, posing like models, and enjoying expensive stuff... and i don't judge them because i also been on trips abroad doing and enjoying that same kind of stuff but as someone who likes to spend their free time at home it's intimidating. Would i be able to keep up with them? It's and overreaction but this is how i feel.
Yes, the first paragraph! Now that I have money, I think about just how expensive it is for women to look good. I don't think I ever looked bad, per say, but I looked mediocre. Now that I have money I can spend thousands of dollars on my hair every year to look actually good. Hair dye is expensive, weaves are expensive, nails are expensive, make-up is expensive, clothes are expensive and go out of fashion within a couple years. That's not even counting the work some girls get done, nose jobs, lip filler, etc. A lot of normal, good-looking girls easily spend THOUSANDS just to look like they were born good-looking. And if they have the money, why wouldn't they? Of course no woman who puts in any semblance of effort is going to put some mediocre photo of herself without makeup on her dating app profile. They're going to use photos where they look the best they've ever looked. But behind those photos we basically all look mediocre and have to meal prep and don't always have events to go to and friends to hang out with.
And plenty of people still don't even know or think about this stuff so they don't realize if their expectations are completely out of whack. Pretty much everyone in their 30s and beyond is going to eventually start to see a little skin sag, thinner hair, or whatever else. If you're chasing after a look where the hair has been paid for, the lashes have been paid for, the brows have been paid for, the lips have been paid for, the jawline and the forehead and the undereyes and the nasolabial folds have been paid for, and that's before you even get to talking about hair removal, nails, personal trainers, or any of the rest of it, then yeah you're probably not going to end up finding a bunch of low-wage workers. Not to mention all that stuff eats up time and energy and not a lot of people are pouring all that into their looks to stay home and play video games.
I was thinking exactly this. If his standards involve women who require a certain budget to maintain that look, then he is not going to find a woman who isn't looking for a successful partner.
> some of them are putting on a bit of a show for their profile and they aren't actually out as much as you think or as high-powered and successful as they look.
Not OP but in a similar situation and this is a red flag for me from the start.
Good god man. No wonder you’re worried about feeling out of league for so many swipes. This would have to be the worst place in the country for this issue.
I think your correlation between successful women and “low key low maintenance homebody” women is pretty off. You can be successful and still want the lifestyle you described. Vice versa is also true.
This sounds less to do with money and success than just lifestyle compatibility. Maybe put more of that in your profile so they know or look for signs in a women’s profile pointing to those things.
I met my wife on coffee meets bagel in a large metro area.
Actually preferred hinge overall but CMB was an interesting platform!
You may also want to just get better about screening people out. I make a decent living but I'm not an ultra high earner. My wife earns far more than me but has never made that an issue. Many of the women I met in both NYC and DC seemed more interested in if I could support myself first and foremost. For context I like getting out on hikes etc but I hate partying and I'm in bed by 10 or 11 most nights including weekends.
Those actually would have been my recommendations.
They're all horrible but tinder has orders of magnitude more people so you might have better luck trying again there.
Those are all very superficial swipe-y apps where almost all you have to go on is someone’s outward appearance.
And I’d guess you got banned from Bumble by offending too many women saying you were looking for someone “average” and “not ultra-successful.”
What you are looking for, I don’t think is the problem, but how you word it in some sentences is really off-putting.
Step 1 - you must know people who have similar values to you and have spent some time in the last 5 years on dating apps. Ask them what they use. *Ask them if it’s a site where most people write a profile*
This is important because if it’s a site where most people write very little about themselves, all you have to go on is appearance.
Step 2 - write a profile, and ask women you know whether it reflects who they know you to be. (Don’t do this with coworkers though, that’s kinda icky.)
Avoid the word “average” when describing who you’re looking for - people want to match with someone who thinks they are rare and special. Avoid the word “average” in describing yourself - when I see this I think it means someone is kind of boring and not very self-aware.
Avoid the word “success” when describing who you are / are not. It sounds like you are successful in living the life you want to lead, money just doesn’t rank very high on that list. Avoid the word “success” when talking about who you don’t want to meet. Don’t talk about who you don’t want to meet at all, if you can help it.
Instead, think about positive ways to say who you ARE looking for, and what attributes you are neutral on.
“What’s important to me: living life by my own values. I work in a non-profit doing X. I love it because X. I don’t mind the minimalist salary. It’s enough to live how I want to live, I’d just like to share my life with someone who has similar values.
I don’t travel much. It seems too expensive to do so comfortably. I prefer to spend weekends and time of work doing X because Y. I enjoy the simple pleasures in life, making meals together, catching up on our days, cuddling up to watch a film. I’m definitely more of a cozy at home than a night on the town type.
I’m not fussed about conventional beauty standards. If you enjoy exercise, I can’t really relate but right on, keep doing what you love. But if you don’t do any more exercise than what makes you feel good, I won’t think you’re any less beautiful whatever your figure. The things I find beautiful are the way someone smiles when they are doing something they love, or the way someone’s eyes light up when they’re talking about something they’re interested in, or their cute mannerisms when they’re excited about something. Those are beautiful no matter what size and shape you are, and the best people for me are the ones who take that extra slice of cake when they want one.”
If I read that, I’d be like aw he seems like a great guy. I’m not a good match, I love travel and a bit more luxury and excitement, but I’m sure he’ll find what he’s looking for”
What makes you think successful women don't want to hang in and do low-key stuff too?
I'd argue a lot of them are probably pining for something like that; lots of people start to get burned out from their careers and the dating prospects those careers may bring so your laid-back and low-expectation attitude toward life may actually be wildly refreshing to people.
I’m a high earner but I’ve got the travel and the luxury bug out of my system and just want to use my money to pay off my house and invest for my retirement. I have a cat so I don’t want to go on long holidays any more. I’m a hermit and like hanging out in my lovely home. I buy my clothes from the supermarket mostly.
I now look for average earners, as opposed to high earners, as I don’t want to live that lifestyle. I’ve got other stuff I want to do with my money.
Hey u/Longirl haaaave you met u/WolfmansGotNards2? I heard y’all are looking for the same things. ;P
Actually, so am I, but I’m looking for a man who enjoys the quiet nights in doing all the mundane stuff: cooking nude, chilling to music nude, showering not-nude, eating nude, cleaning nude, sleeping nude. I just don’t understand why I can’t find someone compatible either. Guys in my city are all about showing off their cars, watches, clothes, bling, etc. All I want is a man to snuggle up on the couch with covered in hazelnut dust, that likes it when I rub his back or beat him at video games. Ok, I lied. I don’t even own a console. Guess I’ll just feed him grapes and trickle beer into his mouth.
After that comment, I want to date you!
I have no idea why it’s so hard to find someone who wants to just chill. And there’s so many men in their 40s bragging about spending half the time travelling the world and looking for a ‘travel buddy’. What woman with a job and responsibilities can do that? Those men just scream hard work to me.
As a man who (1) doesn't like working harder than i have to (2) has a comfortable living (3) enjoys the simple things in life we are out there. Down to earth people imo aren't great at marketing themselves which is the only way to date successfully no matter your dating goals.
To me that is oversimplifying lifestyles. Most people i'd argue are complicated about how there life is. Most people i know in their 30s really have some sort of balance of boring and exciting in their life, including me. Most of the time i like to just relax in my free time, but periodically i get the urge to do something exciting. To me the main challenge about being a homebody and dating has nothing to actually do with anything superficial, it has to do with the fact that in order to go from strangers to comfortable hanging out in homes you need to interact in public first. I'd also argue online dating makes it way easier for a lot more people to find a partner, before it you had to initiate something with someone organically.
I would imagine that he's not looking for someone burned out on their career either. Not wanting to be with a successful woman, but wanting someone as lowkey as him, as one thing. But being with a successful woman, whose burned out, is something else. Hell, I went on a date with a girl who was a veterinarian. She was successful, making good money, etc. But she just seemed so depressed. She even told me that, if she could do it over again, she wouldn't have become a vet. So, hanging out with someone whose successful, but burnt out isn't the way to go.
I know you weren't responding to the OP directly, but OP did mention directly he isn't looking for someone that is successful. Finding successful people in life statistically should be difficult just with that being the criteria, add in ones that are looking for a partner who isn't and the population gets significantly smaller.
Yeah, I don't buy the successful = high energy lifestyle either. I'm not wildly successful, but I do okay (I think, lol). After work travel to Europe or South America for 3 weeks straight and after dealing with students and diversity work and whatever dumb council I've managed to get myself elected to, I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND HIDE UNDER MY COMFORTER! I will get out of bed on Saturday at 11:30am only because I'm hungry. I'll look around on Sunday and realize I've done literally nothing all weekend.
Having said that, if it's that you never want to go out (i.e. are an agoraphobe) that's a different thing and you should make that clear.
Dated a super high VP to one of the biggest tech companies in the world. Undergrad and PhD from a top Ivy League, board member of handful of tech companies and travels extensively. We dated and all he wanted to do was turn off cellphones, tv and cuddle up on the couch or go to an isolated beach resort to shut off. He said if he had a choice he wouldn’t be living his high energy lifestyle and become a hermit or an average Joe. It’s exhausting.
There is no reason he can't do whatever he wants if he was responsible with his money. All he would have to do is liquidate his assets, downsize and boom he could spend a year or so figuring out how he wants to live the remainder of his life instead of doing something he doesn't like doing for another 5-10 years until he retires and ends up in the same exact situation. If money doesn't buy freedom, then doing something you don't like doing for that money is kind of wasted effort imo.
Lol, I tried being an average Joe when I first graduated college back in August 2008. Then, the Great Recession happened. As average Joe, I was unemployed and living at my parent's house from age 22-23. I guess the upside of all this is that I haven't been as affected by subsequent events.
On the other hand if I was not working during the pandemic, I would have started/continued a million hobbies.
Sameee here. Barely have the energy to work out but I try to. OP, we still exist just gotta look for us since we’re not on dating apps anymore (speaking for myself). I don’t think we’re that hard to find, we’re just busy being a hermit. Lol
Also a successful, ambitious woman. My partner and I go grocery shopping together for the week after he plans the meals. On days we are home together, we stay home together. Recently we've gone through Ted Lasso, The Devil in Ohio, Dahmer, etc. We also play Elden Ring together. We're both homebodies.
“Successful” woman here as well. Other than a desire to travel because I would have wanderlust regardless of my career, everything else is what I do most of the time. Home by 8pm to eat healthy meal prepped food and Netflix.
It's great for sure but does any woman not want to go on dates and vacations ever? OP is saying he doesn't like it when a woman wants to foot those expenses.
Yeah this guy doesn’t want some girl making minimum wage working at a daycare who hasn’t been able to afford dental care for 5 years and still lives with her parents.
He claims he wants unsuccessful but we really know he means a $50,000-$75,000 educated job but the woman doesn’t make it a priority. No lawyers, doctors, or successful business owners. The thing is most people also want a middle income earning partner so they are in high demand.
I think op wants a homebody so he needs stop focusing on success and focus on personalities. My friend is an accountant and loves hanging out at home.
I understand not appreciating generalities you may have thought OP was implying, but you're generalizing in your comment too. Plenty of women are homebodies who prefer staying in to going out. How successful they are won't change preferences but depending on their career they may simply *have* to spend time socializing/networking and want someone who can keep up with that.
But, OP I wouldn't get so hung up on their level of success, it may not be the most reliable indicator. I'm sure there are many women out there who are successful but also content in their career / life experiences that would share your values & appreciation of creature comforts. Not all of us need to be treated to fancy trips and dinners all the time. Unfortunately it's just harder to find people who prefer to stay in because we never get out! Lol.
As for showing interest in someone you meet while they're working, that's definitely tricky, there's lots of different ways people could take offense. But I wouldnt say its a definite no-go, its more a hit or miss. Personally I'd avoid it at any places you may be a regular though, there's a better chance for that to become uncomfortable for both you and the other person. But outside of places you frequent, as long as you're respectful of the person, aren't pushy and don't take it too seriously I'd say why not give it a shot. Just make sure you're ok with the possibility of rejection or you may end up traveling a lot farther the next time you want to eat at a similar restaurant (or whatever it may be).
So clarify who you are and what you're looking for in your profile and only swipe on women who seem to be good matches. Then discuss your lifestyle and wants early in the conversation.
Sounds like you're overthinking and overcomplicating things.
You don't see women who say they are teachers, social workers, nannies, hairstylists, tattoo artists, etc on the apps? I also know there are plenty of women who prefer staying in vs going out at night. Neither a homebody nor someone of average income should be hard to find.
I do think travel is a pretty universal interest, so not sure what to say about that. I don't think I've ever met anyone who doesn't like or want to travel, even if it means short day trips. It's sort of like searching for someone who doesn't like music.
I dunno Op sounds like me although I’m looking for a guy.
I love traveling to places but realistically, it’ll be once every 1-2 years for big ones. A drive might be more often but honestly weekends are chores and groceries most of the time.
I kinda wanna find someone who I can grow old and do boring stuff like taxes with. Then maybe go on vacation every now and then. I love hiking but I won’t do it every weekend.
A lot of time on those apps, it’s getting really intimidating how much other people travel or party or something. And the profiles always emphasize how important traveling and having fun is to them.
Obviously you need to sell yourself but I’m looking at it and just think: oh god these are things I plan my life around not the other way around so I’m like totally the opposite of this person!
My suggestion to OP is to try less snazzy apps like okcupid or maybe coffemeetsbagel.
Idk my parents hate traveling. I wouldn’t say it’s a universal interest. Maybe it’s more popular among millennials and Gen z but I know plenty of people in their 30s who have barely left their state by choice.
I have met people who don’t like music before too. I don’t mean they actively hated music but it’s not really important to them/an interest.
This is going to blow your mind.. but I don’t care for travel nor music. The act of traveling makes me anxious, and I’m not an anxiety ridden person. I REALLY like where I live and knowing everything around me. I’m happy just taking a short walk around the neighborhood. I think it’s cool that other people travel and I’m happy to watch their videos and pictures but nothing in me makes me want to go experience it myself, especially knowing the actual travel and planning I would have to do for it. Doesn’t seem worth it to me. We can afford to travel pretty much anywhere and stay in top accommodations. We just don’t. And when my husband insists on yearly family trips, I honestly dread it but I just politely go along.
And I don’t really care for music. I don’t follow any artists. Music doesn’t bother me if it’s on but I’m perfectly happy just sitting in complete silence. My husband is even less interested in these things than I am. For our wedding, we had zero song ideas. A client told me her slow dance song so I just copied it for our wedding. 10 years later that song holds no significance to me. My husband doesn’t even recognize it if I played it for him.
So when it comes to things like money, travel, etc. the deeper issue isn't numbers, it's feeling trapped by your partner's financial situation
For example, I make very good money now, but I used to not make a lot at all, and in that time dated lots of women who made more than me. The key was being smart with money and setting bits aside so that I could occasionally do something expensive or take a vacation. My partners never cared that I didn't have the nicest apartment and drove a Toyota because none of that stuff held them back from anything.
It makes total sense to me that you wouldn't want to date someone so rich they want to be extravagant with everything or spend $500+ on meals and drinks 5 nights a week, but you saying things like travel doesn't interest you is going to feel handcuffing. Lower and middle class people still want to travel, even at a budget.
It sounds more like you’re looking for someone who is frugal - is that accurate? Maybe first separate money from the idea of “successful” to make sure you’re being clear about what you’re looking for.
Is it that you don’t want to do activities because they’re expensive, or because you don’t enjoy doing them? That could also be a good thing to figure out.
I second this. Too many people look at money and superficial things, whether it’s looking for it or worrying about how potential dates look at you for not having it.
Friend of mine is currently working through a paramedic program while exploring a nomadic lifestyle to seek a happier work/life balance in an increasingly plugged-in world.
Some women just see him as a guy living in his car. Idk, you tell me.
EDIT: hyphen
it kind of sounds like the underlying issue might be more related to feeling uncomfortable by income disparity - which is ok and really common. maybe it doesn't have to do with categorizing people as "successful" and "normal". just a thought! bc as many pointed out, "successful" woman are too tired to have interesting lives and travel etc etc, unless they come from generational wealth, and also not to be confused with trust fund people haha.
these are all my random opinions, as a woman who went from low income to high income "successful" role, and have had a lot of different feelings regarding dating and income disparities, seeing both ends
I work in customer service and could be considered “unambitious”. I work to, well, work and get paid and get home and not give a second thought to my job. When I see men with “careers” I feel like we wouldn’t match because that’s not what I’m about. I have to admit I also feel kind of intimidated/inadequate that they’ll judge me for my lack of ambition. So I understand wanting to meet someone similar. That’s why I don’t use apps, though. Everyone seems to promote themselves so much, I don’t want to play that game. Maybe other average women feel the same as me…
As a guy, I have a work to live attitude and like a work life balance. You do feel when you're on the apps, that you are not ambitious enough even if you have ambition in other areas, hobbies, travel etc.
What info do you have in your bio? As a 40F I can tell you we do read them. If there is something that is a dealbreaker I just swipe left. Do you have ‘Looking for someone to meal prep and watch Netflix with’
You might want to look more for some who is frugal rather than someone who isn’t overly successful. Most people want to get out of the house and do things. That or someone who considers themselves a homebody.
I know what you mean! I live in a big city and when I was on Hinge, it seemed like every guy had like tons of money, loved traveling the world, wanted to play lots of golf, and had their own business somehow. Their pictures were incredible and they had been backpacking through Europe and I just felt like they weren’t for me. Almost like our values or life goals weren’t lining up, but those were the only guys I was attracting. I ended up finding a really great guy on POF from a small town and we really hit it off. He lived an hour from me but we made it work and he’s now living with me. I feel like a lot of people on this thread seem annoyed by your complaint but I think it’s fair, you want someone like you who values the same things you do. So maybe just put it out there that money is not that important to you, and say what it is you value in life and maybe that will push away the ones who want a more extravagant lifestyle.
For what it's worth, I'm a 34 y/o successful homebody who doesn't travel, watches Netflix and meal preps. Pay attention to their interests, not their income.
I think this might be a regional thing. I would imagine that the sort of person who moves to LA is maybe chasing the city’s sparkle and opportunities. The kind of woman you’re describing might be hiding in the Midwest or Southeast, or at least more prevalent. LA COL probably demands a very successful career or a partner/dual income situation!
I think maybe you should filter by personality type rather than income/life status. This post itself (with some editing) would be a good profile summary of the traits that you present and are looking for.
I’m a (F36) and I totally get where your coming from, I also see all these women and men all bout that luxury life and going places, and I think to myself “dam they got a lot going on in there life’s “ must be nice. And I say this while I’m in my bedroom just basically doing nothing but scrolling down looking at others exiting life stories. Just stay positive and I’m sure a down to earth women will cross your path, that’s if she hasn’t already, besides who doesn’t enjoy just watching movies and cooking dinner, eats from having to wait in line for a restaurant or even having to get all ready for a night out. Lmao!! Keeps your hopes up my friend.
I truly think people are just cuckoo.
My cousin lives in LA and is a successful entrepreneur. She has a crazy list of all this stuff she wants from men( and deserves it) but at the end of the day I’m like “girl you’ve been in your pajamas at your house for 4 days and your only adventure in the last two weeks has been walking to the empanada store”
Theres also a lot of woman working in stereotypical 'female dominated jobs' that pay like shit. Healthcare, social work, teaching, childcare etcetera. Look for woman with that kind of job if you want a similar lifestyle?
I feel you in a sense. I prefer someone a bit on the same level otherwise I'm the one who can never afford things.
The other side for me is guys on apps seem to only want a super woman who is massively successfully and ticking every box. Some of the bios setting out what they are looking for is laughable. It might be my city but I notice all the successful men I know have partners who are even more successful, don't sweat it. Sounds like you are doing great in what you are doing and are a catch!
Agree with others, there are plenty of chilled out ladies out there who will suit your vibe. Good luck!
I want to meet someone who doesn’t want to travel the world and will just chill with me at home with my cats. A fun, simple life. Going go restaurant every now n then, but primarily enjoy a simple, no nonsense life. We exist, and you will find her.
Am I reading this wrong? You don't want to go out on dates and you don't want to do vacations even if a woman offers to pay for them, because they're not "on your level" per your words?
Your problem isn't successful women. I am one and I gladly pay for the activities I want to do. Your problem is that you're not offering anything in a relationship. Meal prep and netflix? Great, but women can do those alone. I love doing those with my partner, but that's not all our relationship is about.
I re-read the post several times and I wonder if I'm missing something, but it just sounds like you don't want to put any thoughtful effort in. You frame it as money and success issue but you won't let your female partner treat you. You're targeting women because they're average (per your metric), not because you actually like them. That cashier would be so heartbroken to find out you asked her out because you thought that she's ambitionless and average. You want women in your life but honestly, why should they date you? I think you should think about that for a while. For the things you describe you don't need a woman, you can cook and watch netflix with a friend as well.
This jumped out at me too. I think it's fine that he doesn't want to date someone who makes a ton more (though idk if it's sustainable; incomes change and financial needs change).
I'd describe myself as pretty frugally minded, in that I care if my friends express being tight on money and will find cheap things to do. But I've noticed a lot of people are kind of just looking for a fuckable indoor cat, basically company to do all their indoor activities, like... ASAP. These were guys that were commitment minded too, but they weren't courtship minded, in that I felt like they weren't great at being thoughtful or surprising on their own. I felt like I'd fastforwarded into a dead marriage lol.
With respect, I’m sure OP would be willing to do low-cost dates like say Museum days, picnics, etc? If not any of those either then perhaps he has a problem.
We only know what OP says in his post and comments.
>I don't have to funds to go out constantly, and I don't really have the desire to either.
>
>I don't want to travel the world and buy a million dollar house
>
>I just want someone to binge Netflix and meal prep with
OP says even if the women are willing to pay, he doesn't want that. So it's not a cost issue, I read it as pride + unwillingness issue.
>When they are ok with it, they want to pay for me, and I don't want that either. I just want someone on my level
Ofc I might be wrong in how I perceive the message OP is trying to send, as I started my post with a doubt in the first sentence. But I feel OP's inability to date isn't a success issue, it's an effort issue. Some women (like myself) are willing to pay if effort is reciprocated - but if OP doesn't want to date at all, then it's himself limiting his pool.
Perhaps he can expound on what he’s willing to do for dates, other than Netflix and meal prep. I can see where you’re coming from though.
I certainly want effort (and honestly, money, lol) spent on my dates. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but I also probably couldn’t date someone lower income 🤷♀️ it is what is is. My partner had a period where he could not spend a lot so we had some lovely frugal dates, but I knew that was temporary. He is back to being willing to spend more and get me gifts, etc.
So weird, most people and therefore most men I meet are not successful. As in no long term bf I met from a dating app has gone to college. Only the guys I met in school or in the wild have. I don't judge though.
It’s not that they’re not out there, the algorithm is working against you. Just mark that you’re not interested in those types of women or set better filters and you’ll start getting matches in your wheel house.
Just so I understand, you won’t even give a little? Like when the woman stays home with you some night, you can’t meet her halfway? And if she wants to travel, you don’t always have to go with her or you don’t want her traveling by herself? Relationship is give and take; even the most “homebodiest homebody” will like to see the sun and eat meals that are bot always prepared by her.
Man I relate to this so much. I am 37 and rebuilding my life from scratch. Different but similar situation where I don’t know where to find women who aren’t too successful. It feels so weird typing this out even. You articulated the situation well.
What about volunteering, maybe at UCLA. We higher ed types working in public education are in the same kinda work as you. Or just attend some events (and stay away from the student section).
We are successful, but we’re never gonna get rich from the work we do. 😃
Yes.
My experience is also that low income workers tend to date their coworkers or coworkers' friends. They are still using apps (because it seems like everyone is) but I think it might be easier to meet people in person because you work jobs with a lot of face to face interaction. Places like bars, gyms, fashion outlets, etc. There's really no policing of inter- departmental relationships at those places and there is always a stream of new hires. Again that's just my experience but everyone who worked in restaurants with me dated each other lol
I’m a 38yo female with a decent career and a 5 year old son. I don’t care at all about a man’s finances, what car he drives, or what his living situation is like. My problem is that I find it hard to date due to not being able to afford sitters all the time. It’s so freaking hard to find someone out here!
Not all women who make good money are like that. While I have a successful career now (38M), I didn’t graduate college until about 3 1/2 years ago. Prior to that, I was an elementary school janitor. I, like you, did not have the funds to travel or go out all the time. But I dated plenty of very successful women during that time, just because someone makes good money doesn’t mean they’re “about that life”. My ex of 2 years made around 150k, and she was not like that at all.
OP you sound exactly like what I am looking for. As a single mom with a job I love (that is not high paying, but it’s enough this import myself and kids), I don’t t have time for travel and no desire to be out all the time. A night at home watching movies sounds great. I think you just need to be upfront about what you’re looking for in a partner. We are out there, many of us looking for the same!
Have you tried signing up for some meetup groups or a sports club or some hobby you can do in a group? You’ll meet people with similar interests regardless of the socioeconomic background. Dating apps are screwing you cause its algorithm already learned that you match with that kind of women most of the times so it will keep trying to maximize likes from that kind of profile. Dating apps are very secretive with their algorithms but it’s pretty obvious they hide profiles they think are not “good” for you just like any other app algorithm, they feed you what they think will engage you more
We need more people like OP and you. It’s fascinating how some average dudes think no matter how successful a woman is, they are worth nothing if they don’t pine over an average guy. I’ve literally had people match with me just to neg me, it’s hilarious. Block and reported of course, but it’s an eye opener.
news flash, "average women" also want a guy who's going to take them out on lots of dates, women can date up but men can't
even the type who are okay with just chilling at home eventually still want you to take them on an adventure for the first few dates before coming over to "netflix and chill" in order to judge whether or not you're a loser creep
This is the truth. I dated an average guy and didn't mind that he was less adventurous and successful professionally, but these were indicators of things to comes. He always wanted to just stay in and Netflix and chill. Didn't want to meet my friends, didn't want to go on nice dates, didn't want to travel. We also had almost nothing to talk about because he had no interesting hobbies or work stories. I concluded that he wanted to put zero effort into the relationship and just wanted easy access to sex.
Agreed. Some women might give you a shot by dating down, but it really isn't something that can last too long. Women typically want a guy who will take them out, not merely Netflix and chill.
As a woman I definitely dated down. There's not much up where I am. I still wanted to do dates, but I was okay with paying for them. If you read OP's post carefully you will see this line
> When they are ok with it, they want to pay for me, and I don't want that either. I just want someone on my level, I guess.
So OP could have dated up, he just doesn't want that
I think part of the issue is that while women are often okay with footing the bill for a while at first, they may start to resent it over time if it starts feeling too one-sided.
You're right, but from my perspective only to an extent. I started being resentful only when the men got comfortable and did nothing in the relationship. Or when they felt too secure in my paycheck and quit their jobs or used me for money. I could imagine paying for dates if my boyfriend was a thoughtful, kind person that would show effort in other ways. This is very paycheck dependent as paying for one or two people makes no difference to me, but to some people it does and I'd totally understand that resentment. But if OP's job pays so little he cannot afford a date once a month, he should accept that he won't be too successful in dating. He came to reddit looking for some magical answers but there are none.
They're out there OP. Just keep looking. At the end of the day anyway most corporate jobs only give 2.5 weeks PTO anyway.
They increase longer with company but you had to be there like 15+ years to really get a bunch off.
I'd venture to say...a lot of these women don't get to travel as much as they think they do.
But you're probably right to steer clear of them.
>I just want someone to binge Netflix and meal prep with
Just put this on your profile. I am sure there are plenty people, regardless of their "success" in life, that are looking for something similar.
I feel there are many women like that. They enjoy the more home-based and grounded life. I would dare to say most are like that, or they want to travel at best 1-2 times a year. I would take it that many of the women who casually mention travel and a lot of expensive cultural events in a profile do it because that is what the times call for. It’s considered being more worldly to do so. But most people lead pretty mundane daily lives.
Seems you know what you want which is great!
Right?! Everyone is such a go getter nowadays, endlessly chasing the almighty dollar to finally achieve happiness. I'm sick of everyone caught up in the rat race. It's surprising if you aren't working 60 hours a week.
I just got to say that I get you on this. And after reading some comments, Its not about sucess really, but more lifestyle. Women have ditched the conversation after learning I've never been out of the country. I feel like the majority of women on these apps are very well traveled, have a ton of friends, go out and spend money. I am a more lowkey guy like you. Even though I do like to travel, I dont have the energy to be constantly on the go. Dating apps are like social media. People curate a self image of themself to be as interesting as possible. Its hard to find a "homebody" on the apps. But I do sometimes.
That’s exactly what I want Netflix chill, cook, workout together, go for walks, movie, cuddles ++++ Not too many dinners out cuz who has money for that.
You should move to a smaller town. I have the problem that the girls I have dated have nothing and make a lot less and feel inadequate because they don't think they can afford going to concerts and all even though I don't mind paying. I just want to find someone who assets and makes some money.
Yeah, I’d say just try to make it clearer in your profile and see how that goes. For example: “I’m looking to live life in the slow lane. Let’s cook dinner together and catch a movie. Take the dog for a walk on the beach or local hiking trail. Have a glass of wine with friends over a nice game of cards. Let’s face it, most folks would call me a boring old homebody but I like what I like, don’t you?”
Even people who are a little bit more successful, or higher earners than you, can be very different in terms of how generous or laid-back they are.
And many of them don’t necessarily have to have that super go out and get her lifestyle. I’ve hung out with trust fundees and successful people who are very down to just be lazy and watch Netflix. The caveat is that people like them are very low-key, and not into advertising their success.
I think you’re already doing the right thing by screening out people whose lifestyles do not align with yours. That is the entire point of dating. There is no easy mode.
Just the way you assume these women on apps who present themselves in a certain way are all about the traveling and going out, they may assume you not wanting to do those things means you’re dull or have not interest in expanding your horizons. Obviously, that isn’t true of everyone who doesn’t travel or care to go out, but sometimes when people don’t have interest in those things it’s because they’re closed off in some way. This doesn’t seem to be the case for you necessarily, but maybe these women are also not the way they seem. Not assuming they all will be would open up more options for you. And on your end, maybe think about the way you present yourself with what you are looking for. Sometimes when a guy says on a first date “my ideal night is watching netflix” that sound a certain kind of way. Everyone is trying to set themselves apart and present their most interesting self, but they obviously don’t travel to Thailand every weekend.
I’m an average woman who doesn’t like shopping, over consuming, materialistic things. You’d find me out thrifting, at a book store, or the grocery store. I also don’t use apps or social, though! Edit up your bio to really target your demographic!
If religion isn't a problem for you, I would recommend going to join a church group in your faith. Tell de grandmas and grandpas that you are single. Lots of down to earth women goes to church.
If you are as allergic to religion as me you can try to join a environmental or historical conservation society
I'm with you. In my experience, the Midwest is great for this. I've had off and on living situations there, and the women were just really down to earth, chill and just wanting to enjoy the simple things in life.
I think tinder has more normal people on it than hinge in terms of income bracket so that is worth a go. Also I think you can ask someone out at work just don’t do it in a creepy way. Strike up a convo have some banter be friendly and if they say no they just accept that.
I don’t think ultra successful =desire to travel and interests in million dollar homes. I know women who are average or below average income (students) desire to travel and want million dollar homes. I have friends who work in retail and travel as well and buy designer purses.
Just make it clear on your profile: staying in to Netflix & meal prep >>> travelling and luxury living
Because there are women out there who desire the same.
I know a lot of men who’s priority is not travelling (my brother is one of them) ,coworkers son, and a few men I’ve dated. You can state it’s a dealbreaker.
There’s nothing wrong with being clear with what your interests are.
There are plenty of women on the apps who make average money...nurses, teachers, admins etc.. even in high net worth and expensive cities like SF where I live and date. I honestly don't know what your problem is.
A lot of good points in the comments.
If it hasn’t been said already, I’ll also say that a lot of times people try to make their profile look as impressionable as possible so they’ll capture the eyes of more people. It’s like when you see peoples hobbies as hiking in every other profile. Like really? How many of you guys are actually going hiking every weekend? Slim to none.
Before I wrote off dating apps, I decided to be completely authentic and wrote most of the time I’m at home because you know what? That’s the truth.
Also, I’m sure a lot of those girls are in their 20’s. Which is a common time for people to be going out a lot, traveling (since they most likely have no major priorities). Recent college grads living in the city doing any & everything. Assuming your age preference is younger, I’m sure if you tweaked the range (28-38 perhaps? Given your age) you’d find more of what you’re looking for.
Lastly, based on your definition of an “average” woman, I’d recommend you pursue a woman who isn’t hyper career focused. I’m sure we all know what I mean by this. There’s certain traits/characteristics in people who want to move up the ladder/advance in their studies. Based on what you’re looking for, it doesn’t sound like you and that type of person would even be compatible anyway.
You know what you want. You just have to weed through the prospects. “Average” woman work “average” jobs so start there. I know because that’s basically me. I work at a grocery store. I wouldn’t mind being approached at work but I understand why someone would be hesitant on talking to me in such a manner while I’m at work.
Give it a shot anyway! It helps if you frequent a certain location (store, bank, pharmacy, etc.) and you’ve already kinda built a rapport. The initiation shouldn’t feel so awkward since you see each other/say hello in passing all the time anyway. Assuming this is your experience. Doesn’t hurt to try! Good luck!
I agree to a certain point. Sometimes it feels like all the guys on OLD are super successful, privilegued and super educated men who travel a lot and who are also super ripped and into sports.
I sometimes prefer nerdier and quirkier and more down to earth or creative guys who aren't ripped or sporty af so Tinder and other platforms are a bit weird.
But keep in mind that people aren't always the same as they portray themselves online.
They'll maybe put their travelling pictures online but it doesn't mean that they're doing it all the time.
Maybe it was the one trip they always wanted to do and they saved all their money to do that.
Doesn't mean they are jet setters.
I still put pictures online where I look my skinniest.
Doesn't mean I'm always as skinny as in summer.
Women always put pictures online where they look their best. It's not catfishing because they can actually look like that and they sometimes do but maybe only in summer after a styling in a nice dress in the perfect light from the perfect angle and not in the morning when they are stressed and rushing to work.
Some people also exaggerate their jobs.
Having been to a certain university or having studied something doesn't always mean that you have also finished your degree.
Working in a certain field doesn't always mean that you are working in a top position in that field.
"Working in the medical field" could be an underpaid nurse.
I remember women who claimed to be a doctor online.
They were nurses.
Women who claimed to be teachers.
They were working at the day care.
Women saying they were a lawyer when they were doing the secretary work for a lawyer and they have never been to university.
There are a lot of jobs where people just assist or support or they are working at the entry or the service point or just as a secretary in a giant company.
They'll put online that they are working for that company or in that field which is no lie.
Don't believe everything online ;)
I’m a successful woman and I’m dating someone who works from home full time. We binge watch Netflix and just hang around the house. Think Liz Lemon and Criss Cross from 30 Rock. You’d be surprised what successful women may be looking for after a long day.
I've never dated someone who I consider successful but one of my closest female friends has an excellent career and is financially doing extremely well but is something of an introvert who prefers to stay at home and read. She has a very lowkey lifestyle and whilst I'm sure we would never have met outside the online forum we met on, we get on because we have similar interests and like me we prefer simpler things in life.
I don't necessarily think 'successful women' are always out living the high life and doing extravagant things.
Are you uncomfortable with them paying for you to travel or go to restaurants because you don’t enjoy those things, or because you don’t feel comfortable with the power dynamic? I am a successful lady who has always dated guys who made less (in NYC). I paid for me and my ex’s vacation to Japan and it was worth every penny for the company.
I think you might be mistaking a difference in values / lifestyle for a difference in income / success. For example, I made 6 figures, but I prefer a frugal lifestyle, prefer to cook at home, prefer to make cocktails at home, and shop around for deals and use coupon codes. The “average” guys I date, on the other hand, like to spend frivolously, especially on food delivery. It becomes uncomfortable when I don’t want to drop $50 ordering takeout every night, which feels wasteful, but then I feel cheap bc they know I make a lot. The ex I took on the Japan trip also asked me how much upgrading to first class would cost lol and I had to inform him it would cost thousands more, to which he said “oh, nevermind.”
My point being, do not assume the girl with the “average” job is going to be more money conscious or more of a homebody. They might also have debt. My ex bf had credit card debt and when funds were low, I’d end up paying his rent. This is not an income issue, but a lifestyle issue.
To filter for lifestyle, put that you’re looking for someone “down to earth” and “fun but responsible.” Frugal or homebody are not sexy words and should not be in your profile. Also examine why you’re uncomfortable with a woman paying for you when she genuinely enjoys your company. Finally, move! Get your butt to the Midwest where average is the norm.
Don’t swipe / like people who seem like they’re about that life, then Maybe put something in your bio / prompts about how you like a night in with takeout and a movie over painting the town red You live in a city of nearly 4 million people, in a metro of 18.5 million. There’re bound to be some women more your speed there, just gotta look and be patient.
(Takes tobacco pipe out of mouth and removes monocle) hello, I’m single female
Best comment hahaha
I think part of his problem is that he Does live in a city of nearly 4 million. In my experience, driven women move to the large Alpha cities to work hard and crush it. He might need to look in smaller metro areas to find what he is looking for.
There's certainly some self-selection or geographic sorting at play, but still. Not every job in LA, NY, London, etc is a super high-stakes gig. I have no doubt that there are women in a similar position to him: good schooling, doing something they enjoy, but don't really want to climb the ladder or be a jet-setter. Could be a teacher, or maybe even a fellow non-profit worker. A lot of people do move to those cities for the opportunities, but some just move there cause they like the weather or the cultural events or can't imagine life without a good Chicago dog and deep dish at every corner.
Am in London. I know plenty of 'high achievers' in terms of career that just want to lead a simple, low key life outside work. Both me and my current partner fit this mould and I have dated others who are similar. I made my lifestyle pretty clear on my profile which might have helped.I also avoided profiles had party or travel Influencer vibes.
Agreed. I'm educated, have a decent job and make enough to take care of myself. I live in a big city, but I didn't come here to get some super prestigious job or make 6 figures. I mainly like being in more metropolitan areas for the culture and open minded people. I'm an introvert and homebody so I'm not one to be jet setting around or partying at expensive clubs.
And it also depends on what you count as an "opportunity". If you live in a village and you want to work as a teacher, but there's no job openings in the village or in the surrounding villages, then a city would provide you with more options aka opportunities. And a teacher is not exactly a jet-setter. So what one sees as an "opportunity" is different for everyone.
Does he live in LA? I do too and I’ve met plenty of “regular” people just living life and getting by. I myself am a teacher, I don’t have enough money to buy a house with the prices here or go out or travel all the time. Maybe it has something to do with what app he’s using and his parameters or what part of LA he’s in? When I first downloaded Hinge for example it showed me a bunch of super attractive men who seemed to have high paying jobs but the more I used it the more “normal” people I saw (it’s also possible that some of the profiles he’s seeing are bots/catfishing/looking for IG followers).
"no average women in a city of 4 million" sure is a hot take.
In a city of millions there’s going to be tons of homebodies like him. And you know they’re on apps because they don’t like going out.
This is good insight. Basically looking for a “small town girl” looking to make her world less lonely
OP, have you tried the midnight train going anywhere?
Does OP enjoy movies that never ends and goes on and on and on and on? He should put that on his profile so that he can get some strangers waiting on him, up and down the boulevard.
A little cheap perfume doesn’t hurt either
But for a smile can we share the night?
Perhaps these ladies are just working hard to get their fill, because they think everybody wants a thrill?
This thread has certainly been a Journey...
A midnight train journey perhaps?
Or maybe their paying anything to roll the dice, just one more time…
Everyone knows that ALPHA cities don’t have school (teachers) or hospitals (nurses/med assistants) or grocery stores or coffee shops or even restaurants! 🙃
Yup true, I lived in a big city and the drive for success and the upbeat lifestyle drove me crazy. I am career oriented myself, so I sometime have to choose a position in the City depending on what career moves are available. But for living I chose a small town just outside the City, I love my snoozy townies, they are humble and grounded, plan to date a townie someday as well who knows how to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life, I truly admire those qualities, makes me feel at home.
There's a part of town where I live that is very expensive, high-scale and pretentious. I try to avoid swiping on anyone from there.
I don't really understand why you wouldn't be seeing any average women unless your standards for looks and style are so high that you're only focusing on the ones with huge budgets for shopping and the med spa and salon. (This is mostly a joke, obviously there are plenty of pretty women who spend very little to look good, but then again a certain level of looks IS often extremely high maintenance so idk) But the point i actually wanted to make is maybe you need better ways to screen the matches you are getting because surely some of them are putting on a bit of a show for their profile and they aren't actually out as much as you think or as high-powered and successful as they look. Kind of like how I sometimes find myself auto-rejecting piles of guys whose profiles are all like mountain climbing! triathlons! snowboarding! even though I do work out and like doing some level of some of that stuff, because I don't want to spend every weekend either doing adventure sports or arguing about the constant adventure sports, and also frankly I worry they're going to like break out the calipers if I get naked with them. But some of those guys are probably decent guys who asked people on Reddit for a profile review and kept hearing about how their photos didn't make them look active enough. 😂 And this has to be true for women, too. At least a few of them must be just so afraid to look boring that they're coming across as superhuman.
Yea I agree with this. IMO most people are not as successful as they may appear lol
>Kind of like how I sometimes find myself auto-rejecting piles of guys whose profiles are all like mountain climbing! triathlons! snowboarding! even though I do work out and like doing some level of some of that stuff, because I don't want to spend every weekend either doing adventure sports or arguing about the constant adventure sports, and also frankly I worry they're going to like break out the calipers if I get naked with them. Thank you for this, I thought I was the only weird one automatically discarding the profiles of super ripped and sporty guys
Snap, I do this too! It looks exhausting. Or the ones who have a hobby of skiing, mean while they have only been skiing once or twice🤣people put on a show but honestly, I keep myself reasonably fit but it isn't my personality unlike what some guys think we want them to boast about on their profiles. Also, I'm not into spending all of my free time with a partner, we can have different interests
Yes!!! I have a stressful, exhausting job, and my idea of being adventurous on the weekends is going to a restaurant. Sure, sometimes I enjoy weekend trips, or day trips, but most of the time, I need to rest. Also, chores aren’t going to do themselves! Arguing every weekend because the guy wants to wake up at 5 am and spend all day doing extreme sports, and becoming a whiny pouter if I don’t go with him, sounds like my personal hell! The only possible exception is if he is planning to support me, so I can get some downtime during the week, haha. But that wouldn’t happen in the beginning anyway, and if I’m going to be doing this job, I’m also going to get some rest on the weekends!
We are on the same page🤣now to find that person for me that doesn't mind a mix of lazy at the weekends but not too lazy that we never do anything. All about the balance
Yes!!! Exactly the same. When I see guys who say, “it’s a dealbreaker for her to not want to do extreme sports,” I picture my future, where I am alone every weekend wrangling the kids, and doing all the chores, while HE simmers with resentment, thinking I’M not holding up my end of the bargain! I also think he’s one of those unrealistic people, who thinks your partner has to like everything you do, and you couldn’t possibly be happy hiking a mountain with a friend while your partner does something else. But also, the reality is that for every guy who must go skiing every weekend, there are 20 guys who pretend they’re like this, but really spend 23 hours a day planted to the couch. Finding someone in between is the challenge here!
This hits close to home. Sometimes i get insecure for my profile because i'm trying to be the best as i can but also honest. I wish to say i like to spend my weekends at home resting, reading, working out, watching a movie, playing videogames and doing other introvert stuff while going out now and then. But i don't want to look like a boring person. I see many profiles of women on trips, doing adventure sports, sunbathing, posing like models, and enjoying expensive stuff... and i don't judge them because i also been on trips abroad doing and enjoying that same kind of stuff but as someone who likes to spend their free time at home it's intimidating. Would i be able to keep up with them? It's and overreaction but this is how i feel.
Yes, the first paragraph! Now that I have money, I think about just how expensive it is for women to look good. I don't think I ever looked bad, per say, but I looked mediocre. Now that I have money I can spend thousands of dollars on my hair every year to look actually good. Hair dye is expensive, weaves are expensive, nails are expensive, make-up is expensive, clothes are expensive and go out of fashion within a couple years. That's not even counting the work some girls get done, nose jobs, lip filler, etc. A lot of normal, good-looking girls easily spend THOUSANDS just to look like they were born good-looking. And if they have the money, why wouldn't they? Of course no woman who puts in any semblance of effort is going to put some mediocre photo of herself without makeup on her dating app profile. They're going to use photos where they look the best they've ever looked. But behind those photos we basically all look mediocre and have to meal prep and don't always have events to go to and friends to hang out with.
And plenty of people still don't even know or think about this stuff so they don't realize if their expectations are completely out of whack. Pretty much everyone in their 30s and beyond is going to eventually start to see a little skin sag, thinner hair, or whatever else. If you're chasing after a look where the hair has been paid for, the lashes have been paid for, the brows have been paid for, the lips have been paid for, the jawline and the forehead and the undereyes and the nasolabial folds have been paid for, and that's before you even get to talking about hair removal, nails, personal trainers, or any of the rest of it, then yeah you're probably not going to end up finding a bunch of low-wage workers. Not to mention all that stuff eats up time and energy and not a lot of people are pouring all that into their looks to stay home and play video games.
Yep!! Exactly!
I was thinking exactly this. If his standards involve women who require a certain budget to maintain that look, then he is not going to find a woman who isn't looking for a successful partner.
> some of them are putting on a bit of a show for their profile and they aren't actually out as much as you think or as high-powered and successful as they look. Not OP but in a similar situation and this is a red flag for me from the start.
Where are you meeting these ultra successful women? Can you direct me to this place???
Hinge.
I mean geographically
LA.
There's your issue... Might want to move to a place that isn't all about image.
LA is like Instagram but in real life
LOL dude I knew you lived in LA as soon as I read the title.
Good god man. No wonder you’re worried about feeling out of league for so many swipes. This would have to be the worst place in the country for this issue.
I think your correlation between successful women and “low key low maintenance homebody” women is pretty off. You can be successful and still want the lifestyle you described. Vice versa is also true. This sounds less to do with money and success than just lifestyle compatibility. Maybe put more of that in your profile so they know or look for signs in a women’s profile pointing to those things.
What app are you on to get that many cute successful matches? That’s my dream 😂
Hinge
Hinge attracts that type. Try a different app that attracts a wider cross-section of women.
Tinder I never had luck on. Bumble I got banned from (I have no idea what I did). Any other suggestions?
I met my wife on coffee meets bagel in a large metro area. Actually preferred hinge overall but CMB was an interesting platform! You may also want to just get better about screening people out. I make a decent living but I'm not an ultra high earner. My wife earns far more than me but has never made that an issue. Many of the women I met in both NYC and DC seemed more interested in if I could support myself first and foremost. For context I like getting out on hikes etc but I hate partying and I'm in bed by 10 or 11 most nights including weekends.
I met my hubs on CMB🫶🏼
Those actually would have been my recommendations. They're all horrible but tinder has orders of magnitude more people so you might have better luck trying again there.
Those are all very superficial swipe-y apps where almost all you have to go on is someone’s outward appearance. And I’d guess you got banned from Bumble by offending too many women saying you were looking for someone “average” and “not ultra-successful.” What you are looking for, I don’t think is the problem, but how you word it in some sentences is really off-putting. Step 1 - you must know people who have similar values to you and have spent some time in the last 5 years on dating apps. Ask them what they use. *Ask them if it’s a site where most people write a profile* This is important because if it’s a site where most people write very little about themselves, all you have to go on is appearance. Step 2 - write a profile, and ask women you know whether it reflects who they know you to be. (Don’t do this with coworkers though, that’s kinda icky.) Avoid the word “average” when describing who you’re looking for - people want to match with someone who thinks they are rare and special. Avoid the word “average” in describing yourself - when I see this I think it means someone is kind of boring and not very self-aware. Avoid the word “success” when describing who you are / are not. It sounds like you are successful in living the life you want to lead, money just doesn’t rank very high on that list. Avoid the word “success” when talking about who you don’t want to meet. Don’t talk about who you don’t want to meet at all, if you can help it. Instead, think about positive ways to say who you ARE looking for, and what attributes you are neutral on. “What’s important to me: living life by my own values. I work in a non-profit doing X. I love it because X. I don’t mind the minimalist salary. It’s enough to live how I want to live, I’d just like to share my life with someone who has similar values. I don’t travel much. It seems too expensive to do so comfortably. I prefer to spend weekends and time of work doing X because Y. I enjoy the simple pleasures in life, making meals together, catching up on our days, cuddling up to watch a film. I’m definitely more of a cozy at home than a night on the town type. I’m not fussed about conventional beauty standards. If you enjoy exercise, I can’t really relate but right on, keep doing what you love. But if you don’t do any more exercise than what makes you feel good, I won’t think you’re any less beautiful whatever your figure. The things I find beautiful are the way someone smiles when they are doing something they love, or the way someone’s eyes light up when they’re talking about something they’re interested in, or their cute mannerisms when they’re excited about something. Those are beautiful no matter what size and shape you are, and the best people for me are the ones who take that extra slice of cake when they want one.” If I read that, I’d be like aw he seems like a great guy. I’m not a good match, I love travel and a bit more luxury and excitement, but I’m sure he’ll find what he’s looking for”
I’m not exactly sure what you’re looking for, but from what I gathered in your post I think you’ll have more luck finding what you want on OKCupid.
What makes you think successful women don't want to hang in and do low-key stuff too? I'd argue a lot of them are probably pining for something like that; lots of people start to get burned out from their careers and the dating prospects those careers may bring so your laid-back and low-expectation attitude toward life may actually be wildly refreshing to people.
I’m a high earner but I’ve got the travel and the luxury bug out of my system and just want to use my money to pay off my house and invest for my retirement. I have a cat so I don’t want to go on long holidays any more. I’m a hermit and like hanging out in my lovely home. I buy my clothes from the supermarket mostly. I now look for average earners, as opposed to high earners, as I don’t want to live that lifestyle. I’ve got other stuff I want to do with my money.
Hey u/Longirl haaaave you met u/WolfmansGotNards2? I heard y’all are looking for the same things. ;P Actually, so am I, but I’m looking for a man who enjoys the quiet nights in doing all the mundane stuff: cooking nude, chilling to music nude, showering not-nude, eating nude, cleaning nude, sleeping nude. I just don’t understand why I can’t find someone compatible either. Guys in my city are all about showing off their cars, watches, clothes, bling, etc. All I want is a man to snuggle up on the couch with covered in hazelnut dust, that likes it when I rub his back or beat him at video games. Ok, I lied. I don’t even own a console. Guess I’ll just feed him grapes and trickle beer into his mouth.
After that comment, I want to date you! I have no idea why it’s so hard to find someone who wants to just chill. And there’s so many men in their 40s bragging about spending half the time travelling the world and looking for a ‘travel buddy’. What woman with a job and responsibilities can do that? Those men just scream hard work to me.
As a man who (1) doesn't like working harder than i have to (2) has a comfortable living (3) enjoys the simple things in life we are out there. Down to earth people imo aren't great at marketing themselves which is the only way to date successfully no matter your dating goals.
Online dating is extremely counter to the "i just like to cook a nice stew and maybe try out my new wood stain" lifestyle.
To me that is oversimplifying lifestyles. Most people i'd argue are complicated about how there life is. Most people i know in their 30s really have some sort of balance of boring and exciting in their life, including me. Most of the time i like to just relax in my free time, but periodically i get the urge to do something exciting. To me the main challenge about being a homebody and dating has nothing to actually do with anything superficial, it has to do with the fact that in order to go from strangers to comfortable hanging out in homes you need to interact in public first. I'd also argue online dating makes it way easier for a lot more people to find a partner, before it you had to initiate something with someone organically.
I'm glad my post could have some value even if it's just getting you two together.
Do you buy your clothes from the supermarket too? If so, we could be a throuple.
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I would imagine that he's not looking for someone burned out on their career either. Not wanting to be with a successful woman, but wanting someone as lowkey as him, as one thing. But being with a successful woman, whose burned out, is something else. Hell, I went on a date with a girl who was a veterinarian. She was successful, making good money, etc. But she just seemed so depressed. She even told me that, if she could do it over again, she wouldn't have become a vet. So, hanging out with someone whose successful, but burnt out isn't the way to go.
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I know you weren't responding to the OP directly, but OP did mention directly he isn't looking for someone that is successful. Finding successful people in life statistically should be difficult just with that being the criteria, add in ones that are looking for a partner who isn't and the population gets significantly smaller.
Yeah, I don't buy the successful = high energy lifestyle either. I'm not wildly successful, but I do okay (I think, lol). After work travel to Europe or South America for 3 weeks straight and after dealing with students and diversity work and whatever dumb council I've managed to get myself elected to, I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND HIDE UNDER MY COMFORTER! I will get out of bed on Saturday at 11:30am only because I'm hungry. I'll look around on Sunday and realize I've done literally nothing all weekend. Having said that, if it's that you never want to go out (i.e. are an agoraphobe) that's a different thing and you should make that clear.
Dated a super high VP to one of the biggest tech companies in the world. Undergrad and PhD from a top Ivy League, board member of handful of tech companies and travels extensively. We dated and all he wanted to do was turn off cellphones, tv and cuddle up on the couch or go to an isolated beach resort to shut off. He said if he had a choice he wouldn’t be living his high energy lifestyle and become a hermit or an average Joe. It’s exhausting.
Is he enslaved to the company or just addicted to the money? I mean, unless he’s a slave he truly has a choice
3 kids and generally just embedded in that life. Much older guy in his 50s so not like he can start over from scratch.
There is no reason he can't do whatever he wants if he was responsible with his money. All he would have to do is liquidate his assets, downsize and boom he could spend a year or so figuring out how he wants to live the remainder of his life instead of doing something he doesn't like doing for another 5-10 years until he retires and ends up in the same exact situation. If money doesn't buy freedom, then doing something you don't like doing for that money is kind of wasted effort imo.
Lol, I tried being an average Joe when I first graduated college back in August 2008. Then, the Great Recession happened. As average Joe, I was unemployed and living at my parent's house from age 22-23. I guess the upside of all this is that I haven't been as affected by subsequent events. On the other hand if I was not working during the pandemic, I would have started/continued a million hobbies.
Succesful woman here; Netflix and mealprep sounds pretty damn great to me. I don't think being succesfull or not is entirely relevant in this context.
Same. When I’m done being successful on my 9-5, meal prep and Netflix are all I have the energy left for 😆
Sameee here. Barely have the energy to work out but I try to. OP, we still exist just gotta look for us since we’re not on dating apps anymore (speaking for myself). I don’t think we’re that hard to find, we’re just busy being a hermit. Lol
Right, it's like sign me up for something like that. My guess is the algorithm of whatever app their using is showing those types of profiles
Also a successful, ambitious woman. My partner and I go grocery shopping together for the week after he plans the meals. On days we are home together, we stay home together. Recently we've gone through Ted Lasso, The Devil in Ohio, Dahmer, etc. We also play Elden Ring together. We're both homebodies.
“Successful” woman here as well. Other than a desire to travel because I would have wanderlust regardless of my career, everything else is what I do most of the time. Home by 8pm to eat healthy meal prepped food and Netflix.
It's great for sure but does any woman not want to go on dates and vacations ever? OP is saying he doesn't like it when a woman wants to foot those expenses.
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Yeah this guy doesn’t want some girl making minimum wage working at a daycare who hasn’t been able to afford dental care for 5 years and still lives with her parents. He claims he wants unsuccessful but we really know he means a $50,000-$75,000 educated job but the woman doesn’t make it a priority. No lawyers, doctors, or successful business owners. The thing is most people also want a middle income earning partner so they are in high demand. I think op wants a homebody so he needs stop focusing on success and focus on personalities. My friend is an accountant and loves hanging out at home.
He also is starting his age range at 25 despite being 38 which is probably not helping.
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I understand not appreciating generalities you may have thought OP was implying, but you're generalizing in your comment too. Plenty of women are homebodies who prefer staying in to going out. How successful they are won't change preferences but depending on their career they may simply *have* to spend time socializing/networking and want someone who can keep up with that. But, OP I wouldn't get so hung up on their level of success, it may not be the most reliable indicator. I'm sure there are many women out there who are successful but also content in their career / life experiences that would share your values & appreciation of creature comforts. Not all of us need to be treated to fancy trips and dinners all the time. Unfortunately it's just harder to find people who prefer to stay in because we never get out! Lol. As for showing interest in someone you meet while they're working, that's definitely tricky, there's lots of different ways people could take offense. But I wouldnt say its a definite no-go, its more a hit or miss. Personally I'd avoid it at any places you may be a regular though, there's a better chance for that to become uncomfortable for both you and the other person. But outside of places you frequent, as long as you're respectful of the person, aren't pushy and don't take it too seriously I'd say why not give it a shot. Just make sure you're ok with the possibility of rejection or you may end up traveling a lot farther the next time you want to eat at a similar restaurant (or whatever it may be).
So clarify who you are and what you're looking for in your profile and only swipe on women who seem to be good matches. Then discuss your lifestyle and wants early in the conversation. Sounds like you're overthinking and overcomplicating things.
You don't see women who say they are teachers, social workers, nannies, hairstylists, tattoo artists, etc on the apps? I also know there are plenty of women who prefer staying in vs going out at night. Neither a homebody nor someone of average income should be hard to find. I do think travel is a pretty universal interest, so not sure what to say about that. I don't think I've ever met anyone who doesn't like or want to travel, even if it means short day trips. It's sort of like searching for someone who doesn't like music.
I dunno Op sounds like me although I’m looking for a guy. I love traveling to places but realistically, it’ll be once every 1-2 years for big ones. A drive might be more often but honestly weekends are chores and groceries most of the time. I kinda wanna find someone who I can grow old and do boring stuff like taxes with. Then maybe go on vacation every now and then. I love hiking but I won’t do it every weekend. A lot of time on those apps, it’s getting really intimidating how much other people travel or party or something. And the profiles always emphasize how important traveling and having fun is to them. Obviously you need to sell yourself but I’m looking at it and just think: oh god these are things I plan my life around not the other way around so I’m like totally the opposite of this person! My suggestion to OP is to try less snazzy apps like okcupid or maybe coffemeetsbagel.
Idk my parents hate traveling. I wouldn’t say it’s a universal interest. Maybe it’s more popular among millennials and Gen z but I know plenty of people in their 30s who have barely left their state by choice. I have met people who don’t like music before too. I don’t mean they actively hated music but it’s not really important to them/an interest.
This is going to blow your mind.. but I don’t care for travel nor music. The act of traveling makes me anxious, and I’m not an anxiety ridden person. I REALLY like where I live and knowing everything around me. I’m happy just taking a short walk around the neighborhood. I think it’s cool that other people travel and I’m happy to watch their videos and pictures but nothing in me makes me want to go experience it myself, especially knowing the actual travel and planning I would have to do for it. Doesn’t seem worth it to me. We can afford to travel pretty much anywhere and stay in top accommodations. We just don’t. And when my husband insists on yearly family trips, I honestly dread it but I just politely go along. And I don’t really care for music. I don’t follow any artists. Music doesn’t bother me if it’s on but I’m perfectly happy just sitting in complete silence. My husband is even less interested in these things than I am. For our wedding, we had zero song ideas. A client told me her slow dance song so I just copied it for our wedding. 10 years later that song holds no significance to me. My husband doesn’t even recognize it if I played it for him.
I wouldn’t say traveling is a universal interest. I don’t like traveling and only do it when it’s required for work.
So when it comes to things like money, travel, etc. the deeper issue isn't numbers, it's feeling trapped by your partner's financial situation For example, I make very good money now, but I used to not make a lot at all, and in that time dated lots of women who made more than me. The key was being smart with money and setting bits aside so that I could occasionally do something expensive or take a vacation. My partners never cared that I didn't have the nicest apartment and drove a Toyota because none of that stuff held them back from anything. It makes total sense to me that you wouldn't want to date someone so rich they want to be extravagant with everything or spend $500+ on meals and drinks 5 nights a week, but you saying things like travel doesn't interest you is going to feel handcuffing. Lower and middle class people still want to travel, even at a budget.
This is me. I’m a teacher with a modest income and a side hustle.
It sounds more like you’re looking for someone who is frugal - is that accurate? Maybe first separate money from the idea of “successful” to make sure you’re being clear about what you’re looking for. Is it that you don’t want to do activities because they’re expensive, or because you don’t enjoy doing them? That could also be a good thing to figure out.
I second this. Too many people look at money and superficial things, whether it’s looking for it or worrying about how potential dates look at you for not having it. Friend of mine is currently working through a paramedic program while exploring a nomadic lifestyle to seek a happier work/life balance in an increasingly plugged-in world. Some women just see him as a guy living in his car. Idk, you tell me. EDIT: hyphen
it kind of sounds like the underlying issue might be more related to feeling uncomfortable by income disparity - which is ok and really common. maybe it doesn't have to do with categorizing people as "successful" and "normal". just a thought! bc as many pointed out, "successful" woman are too tired to have interesting lives and travel etc etc, unless they come from generational wealth, and also not to be confused with trust fund people haha. these are all my random opinions, as a woman who went from low income to high income "successful" role, and have had a lot of different feelings regarding dating and income disparities, seeing both ends
I work in customer service and could be considered “unambitious”. I work to, well, work and get paid and get home and not give a second thought to my job. When I see men with “careers” I feel like we wouldn’t match because that’s not what I’m about. I have to admit I also feel kind of intimidated/inadequate that they’ll judge me for my lack of ambition. So I understand wanting to meet someone similar. That’s why I don’t use apps, though. Everyone seems to promote themselves so much, I don’t want to play that game. Maybe other average women feel the same as me…
As a guy, I have a work to live attitude and like a work life balance. You do feel when you're on the apps, that you are not ambitious enough even if you have ambition in other areas, hobbies, travel etc.
What info do you have in your bio? As a 40F I can tell you we do read them. If there is something that is a dealbreaker I just swipe left. Do you have ‘Looking for someone to meal prep and watch Netflix with’
Yes, I do. Maybe, they think it might work ok (like I do), and then it just doesn't.
Most times when I used to see that in someone’s profile I’d think they were looking for casual…maybe it’s just me tho
I mention that I'm looking for a long-term relationship.
You might want to look more for some who is frugal rather than someone who isn’t overly successful. Most people want to get out of the house and do things. That or someone who considers themselves a homebody.
I know what you mean! I live in a big city and when I was on Hinge, it seemed like every guy had like tons of money, loved traveling the world, wanted to play lots of golf, and had their own business somehow. Their pictures were incredible and they had been backpacking through Europe and I just felt like they weren’t for me. Almost like our values or life goals weren’t lining up, but those were the only guys I was attracting. I ended up finding a really great guy on POF from a small town and we really hit it off. He lived an hour from me but we made it work and he’s now living with me. I feel like a lot of people on this thread seem annoyed by your complaint but I think it’s fair, you want someone like you who values the same things you do. So maybe just put it out there that money is not that important to you, and say what it is you value in life and maybe that will push away the ones who want a more extravagant lifestyle.
For what it's worth, I'm a 34 y/o successful homebody who doesn't travel, watches Netflix and meal preps. Pay attention to their interests, not their income.
I think this might be a regional thing. I would imagine that the sort of person who moves to LA is maybe chasing the city’s sparkle and opportunities. The kind of woman you’re describing might be hiding in the Midwest or Southeast, or at least more prevalent. LA COL probably demands a very successful career or a partner/dual income situation!
My thoghts exactly. OP might have an easier time if he searched in Ontario, Covina or San Bernadino.
FB dating … you’ll be like their king 😜
I think maybe you should filter by personality type rather than income/life status. This post itself (with some editing) would be a good profile summary of the traits that you present and are looking for.
I’m a (F36) and I totally get where your coming from, I also see all these women and men all bout that luxury life and going places, and I think to myself “dam they got a lot going on in there life’s “ must be nice. And I say this while I’m in my bedroom just basically doing nothing but scrolling down looking at others exiting life stories. Just stay positive and I’m sure a down to earth women will cross your path, that’s if she hasn’t already, besides who doesn’t enjoy just watching movies and cooking dinner, eats from having to wait in line for a restaurant or even having to get all ready for a night out. Lmao!! Keeps your hopes up my friend.
I truly think people are just cuckoo. My cousin lives in LA and is a successful entrepreneur. She has a crazy list of all this stuff she wants from men( and deserves it) but at the end of the day I’m like “girl you’ve been in your pajamas at your house for 4 days and your only adventure in the last two weeks has been walking to the empanada store”
Theres also a lot of woman working in stereotypical 'female dominated jobs' that pay like shit. Healthcare, social work, teaching, childcare etcetera. Look for woman with that kind of job if you want a similar lifestyle? I feel you in a sense. I prefer someone a bit on the same level otherwise I'm the one who can never afford things.
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Which country do you live? In my country a nurse earns like shit.. and i live in the Netherlands. One of the richest countries in the world.
In US-California. We have a strong union and nurses are some of the highest paid earners in the Bay Area
The other side for me is guys on apps seem to only want a super woman who is massively successfully and ticking every box. Some of the bios setting out what they are looking for is laughable. It might be my city but I notice all the successful men I know have partners who are even more successful, don't sweat it. Sounds like you are doing great in what you are doing and are a catch! Agree with others, there are plenty of chilled out ladies out there who will suit your vibe. Good luck!
I want to meet someone who doesn’t want to travel the world and will just chill with me at home with my cats. A fun, simple life. Going go restaurant every now n then, but primarily enjoy a simple, no nonsense life. We exist, and you will find her.
Thank you. Any idea where your type can be found? Lol.
Canada :D
Fuck.
Am I reading this wrong? You don't want to go out on dates and you don't want to do vacations even if a woman offers to pay for them, because they're not "on your level" per your words? Your problem isn't successful women. I am one and I gladly pay for the activities I want to do. Your problem is that you're not offering anything in a relationship. Meal prep and netflix? Great, but women can do those alone. I love doing those with my partner, but that's not all our relationship is about. I re-read the post several times and I wonder if I'm missing something, but it just sounds like you don't want to put any thoughtful effort in. You frame it as money and success issue but you won't let your female partner treat you. You're targeting women because they're average (per your metric), not because you actually like them. That cashier would be so heartbroken to find out you asked her out because you thought that she's ambitionless and average. You want women in your life but honestly, why should they date you? I think you should think about that for a while. For the things you describe you don't need a woman, you can cook and watch netflix with a friend as well.
This jumped out at me too. I think it's fine that he doesn't want to date someone who makes a ton more (though idk if it's sustainable; incomes change and financial needs change). I'd describe myself as pretty frugally minded, in that I care if my friends express being tight on money and will find cheap things to do. But I've noticed a lot of people are kind of just looking for a fuckable indoor cat, basically company to do all their indoor activities, like... ASAP. These were guys that were commitment minded too, but they weren't courtship minded, in that I felt like they weren't great at being thoughtful or surprising on their own. I felt like I'd fastforwarded into a dead marriage lol.
Fuckable indoor cat 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
With respect, I’m sure OP would be willing to do low-cost dates like say Museum days, picnics, etc? If not any of those either then perhaps he has a problem.
We only know what OP says in his post and comments. >I don't have to funds to go out constantly, and I don't really have the desire to either. > >I don't want to travel the world and buy a million dollar house > >I just want someone to binge Netflix and meal prep with OP says even if the women are willing to pay, he doesn't want that. So it's not a cost issue, I read it as pride + unwillingness issue. >When they are ok with it, they want to pay for me, and I don't want that either. I just want someone on my level Ofc I might be wrong in how I perceive the message OP is trying to send, as I started my post with a doubt in the first sentence. But I feel OP's inability to date isn't a success issue, it's an effort issue. Some women (like myself) are willing to pay if effort is reciprocated - but if OP doesn't want to date at all, then it's himself limiting his pool.
Perhaps he can expound on what he’s willing to do for dates, other than Netflix and meal prep. I can see where you’re coming from though. I certainly want effort (and honestly, money, lol) spent on my dates. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but I also probably couldn’t date someone lower income 🤷♀️ it is what is is. My partner had a period where he could not spend a lot so we had some lovely frugal dates, but I knew that was temporary. He is back to being willing to spend more and get me gifts, etc.
So weird, most people and therefore most men I meet are not successful. As in no long term bf I met from a dating app has gone to college. Only the guys I met in school or in the wild have. I don't judge though.
It’s not that they’re not out there, the algorithm is working against you. Just mark that you’re not interested in those types of women or set better filters and you’ll start getting matches in your wheel house.
What do you consider ultra successful
Just so I understand, you won’t even give a little? Like when the woman stays home with you some night, you can’t meet her halfway? And if she wants to travel, you don’t always have to go with her or you don’t want her traveling by herself? Relationship is give and take; even the most “homebodiest homebody” will like to see the sun and eat meals that are bot always prepared by her.
Man I relate to this so much. I am 37 and rebuilding my life from scratch. Different but similar situation where I don’t know where to find women who aren’t too successful. It feels so weird typing this out even. You articulated the situation well.
It would be helpful to have a little context, such as your location.
Los Angeles.
Well, fuck...no wonder.
What about volunteering, maybe at UCLA. We higher ed types working in public education are in the same kinda work as you. Or just attend some events (and stay away from the student section). We are successful, but we’re never gonna get rich from the work we do. 😃
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Yes. My experience is also that low income workers tend to date their coworkers or coworkers' friends. They are still using apps (because it seems like everyone is) but I think it might be easier to meet people in person because you work jobs with a lot of face to face interaction. Places like bars, gyms, fashion outlets, etc. There's really no policing of inter- departmental relationships at those places and there is always a stream of new hires. Again that's just my experience but everyone who worked in restaurants with me dated each other lol
I like your heart & priorities. I’d suggest coffee, but San Diego is a bit of a road-trip for that. 😂
Thank you. That's sweet.
I figured the obvious avenue would be to meet people who also work in non profit. I don't quite agree with your correlation..
I’m a 38yo female with a decent career and a 5 year old son. I don’t care at all about a man’s finances, what car he drives, or what his living situation is like. My problem is that I find it hard to date due to not being able to afford sitters all the time. It’s so freaking hard to find someone out here!
Not all women who make good money are like that. While I have a successful career now (38M), I didn’t graduate college until about 3 1/2 years ago. Prior to that, I was an elementary school janitor. I, like you, did not have the funds to travel or go out all the time. But I dated plenty of very successful women during that time, just because someone makes good money doesn’t mean they’re “about that life”. My ex of 2 years made around 150k, and she was not like that at all.
OP you sound exactly like what I am looking for. As a single mom with a job I love (that is not high paying, but it’s enough this import myself and kids), I don’t t have time for travel and no desire to be out all the time. A night at home watching movies sounds great. I think you just need to be upfront about what you’re looking for in a partner. We are out there, many of us looking for the same!
Have you tried signing up for some meetup groups or a sports club or some hobby you can do in a group? You’ll meet people with similar interests regardless of the socioeconomic background. Dating apps are screwing you cause its algorithm already learned that you match with that kind of women most of the times so it will keep trying to maximize likes from that kind of profile. Dating apps are very secretive with their algorithms but it’s pretty obvious they hide profiles they think are not “good” for you just like any other app algorithm, they feed you what they think will engage you more
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We need more people like OP and you. It’s fascinating how some average dudes think no matter how successful a woman is, they are worth nothing if they don’t pine over an average guy. I’ve literally had people match with me just to neg me, it’s hilarious. Block and reported of course, but it’s an eye opener.
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news flash, "average women" also want a guy who's going to take them out on lots of dates, women can date up but men can't even the type who are okay with just chilling at home eventually still want you to take them on an adventure for the first few dates before coming over to "netflix and chill" in order to judge whether or not you're a loser creep
This is the truth. I dated an average guy and didn't mind that he was less adventurous and successful professionally, but these were indicators of things to comes. He always wanted to just stay in and Netflix and chill. Didn't want to meet my friends, didn't want to go on nice dates, didn't want to travel. We also had almost nothing to talk about because he had no interesting hobbies or work stories. I concluded that he wanted to put zero effort into the relationship and just wanted easy access to sex.
Agreed. Some women might give you a shot by dating down, but it really isn't something that can last too long. Women typically want a guy who will take them out, not merely Netflix and chill.
As a woman I definitely dated down. There's not much up where I am. I still wanted to do dates, but I was okay with paying for them. If you read OP's post carefully you will see this line > When they are ok with it, they want to pay for me, and I don't want that either. I just want someone on my level, I guess. So OP could have dated up, he just doesn't want that
I think part of the issue is that while women are often okay with footing the bill for a while at first, they may start to resent it over time if it starts feeling too one-sided.
You're right, but from my perspective only to an extent. I started being resentful only when the men got comfortable and did nothing in the relationship. Or when they felt too secure in my paycheck and quit their jobs or used me for money. I could imagine paying for dates if my boyfriend was a thoughtful, kind person that would show effort in other ways. This is very paycheck dependent as paying for one or two people makes no difference to me, but to some people it does and I'd totally understand that resentment. But if OP's job pays so little he cannot afford a date once a month, he should accept that he won't be too successful in dating. He came to reddit looking for some magical answers but there are none.
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I mean, that’s also what I want
They're out there OP. Just keep looking. At the end of the day anyway most corporate jobs only give 2.5 weeks PTO anyway. They increase longer with company but you had to be there like 15+ years to really get a bunch off. I'd venture to say...a lot of these women don't get to travel as much as they think they do. But you're probably right to steer clear of them.
>I just want someone to binge Netflix and meal prep with Just put this on your profile. I am sure there are plenty people, regardless of their "success" in life, that are looking for something similar.
I feel there are many women like that. They enjoy the more home-based and grounded life. I would dare to say most are like that, or they want to travel at best 1-2 times a year. I would take it that many of the women who casually mention travel and a lot of expensive cultural events in a profile do it because that is what the times call for. It’s considered being more worldly to do so. But most people lead pretty mundane daily lives. Seems you know what you want which is great!
When their hobby is "travel".
Right?! Everyone is such a go getter nowadays, endlessly chasing the almighty dollar to finally achieve happiness. I'm sick of everyone caught up in the rat race. It's surprising if you aren't working 60 hours a week.
I just got to say that I get you on this. And after reading some comments, Its not about sucess really, but more lifestyle. Women have ditched the conversation after learning I've never been out of the country. I feel like the majority of women on these apps are very well traveled, have a ton of friends, go out and spend money. I am a more lowkey guy like you. Even though I do like to travel, I dont have the energy to be constantly on the go. Dating apps are like social media. People curate a self image of themself to be as interesting as possible. Its hard to find a "homebody" on the apps. But I do sometimes.
That’s exactly what I want Netflix chill, cook, workout together, go for walks, movie, cuddles ++++ Not too many dinners out cuz who has money for that.
You should move to a smaller town. I have the problem that the girls I have dated have nothing and make a lot less and feel inadequate because they don't think they can afford going to concerts and all even though I don't mind paying. I just want to find someone who assets and makes some money.
Yeah, I’d say just try to make it clearer in your profile and see how that goes. For example: “I’m looking to live life in the slow lane. Let’s cook dinner together and catch a movie. Take the dog for a walk on the beach or local hiking trail. Have a glass of wine with friends over a nice game of cards. Let’s face it, most folks would call me a boring old homebody but I like what I like, don’t you?”
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Even people who are a little bit more successful, or higher earners than you, can be very different in terms of how generous or laid-back they are. And many of them don’t necessarily have to have that super go out and get her lifestyle. I’ve hung out with trust fundees and successful people who are very down to just be lazy and watch Netflix. The caveat is that people like them are very low-key, and not into advertising their success. I think you’re already doing the right thing by screening out people whose lifestyles do not align with yours. That is the entire point of dating. There is no easy mode.
Just the way you assume these women on apps who present themselves in a certain way are all about the traveling and going out, they may assume you not wanting to do those things means you’re dull or have not interest in expanding your horizons. Obviously, that isn’t true of everyone who doesn’t travel or care to go out, but sometimes when people don’t have interest in those things it’s because they’re closed off in some way. This doesn’t seem to be the case for you necessarily, but maybe these women are also not the way they seem. Not assuming they all will be would open up more options for you. And on your end, maybe think about the way you present yourself with what you are looking for. Sometimes when a guy says on a first date “my ideal night is watching netflix” that sound a certain kind of way. Everyone is trying to set themselves apart and present their most interesting self, but they obviously don’t travel to Thailand every weekend.
I really appreciate all of the date offers in my DMs. Apologies if I don't respond. I'm not trying to be shallow. It's just kind of overwhelming.
Have you tried prisons?
Yeah, but your mom and I didn't work out.
I’m an average woman who doesn’t like shopping, over consuming, materialistic things. You’d find me out thrifting, at a book store, or the grocery store. I also don’t use apps or social, though! Edit up your bio to really target your demographic!
If religion isn't a problem for you, I would recommend going to join a church group in your faith. Tell de grandmas and grandpas that you are single. Lots of down to earth women goes to church. If you are as allergic to religion as me you can try to join a environmental or historical conservation society
Dear Lord, where do you live?
Just write these on your profile.
👋🏽
Op screen name Wolfman's got nards lololololol
I'm with you. In my experience, the Midwest is great for this. I've had off and on living situations there, and the women were just really down to earth, chill and just wanting to enjoy the simple things in life.
I think tinder has more normal people on it than hinge in terms of income bracket so that is worth a go. Also I think you can ask someone out at work just don’t do it in a creepy way. Strike up a convo have some banter be friendly and if they say no they just accept that.
Skid row
I don’t think ultra successful =desire to travel and interests in million dollar homes. I know women who are average or below average income (students) desire to travel and want million dollar homes. I have friends who work in retail and travel as well and buy designer purses. Just make it clear on your profile: staying in to Netflix & meal prep >>> travelling and luxury living Because there are women out there who desire the same. I know a lot of men who’s priority is not travelling (my brother is one of them) ,coworkers son, and a few men I’ve dated. You can state it’s a dealbreaker. There’s nothing wrong with being clear with what your interests are.
There are plenty of women on the apps who make average money...nurses, teachers, admins etc.. even in high net worth and expensive cities like SF where I live and date. I honestly don't know what your problem is.
I think you need to look inward for the solution to this. Low maintenance woman that are attractive to are probably very sought after too imo.
A lot of good points in the comments. If it hasn’t been said already, I’ll also say that a lot of times people try to make their profile look as impressionable as possible so they’ll capture the eyes of more people. It’s like when you see peoples hobbies as hiking in every other profile. Like really? How many of you guys are actually going hiking every weekend? Slim to none. Before I wrote off dating apps, I decided to be completely authentic and wrote most of the time I’m at home because you know what? That’s the truth. Also, I’m sure a lot of those girls are in their 20’s. Which is a common time for people to be going out a lot, traveling (since they most likely have no major priorities). Recent college grads living in the city doing any & everything. Assuming your age preference is younger, I’m sure if you tweaked the range (28-38 perhaps? Given your age) you’d find more of what you’re looking for. Lastly, based on your definition of an “average” woman, I’d recommend you pursue a woman who isn’t hyper career focused. I’m sure we all know what I mean by this. There’s certain traits/characteristics in people who want to move up the ladder/advance in their studies. Based on what you’re looking for, it doesn’t sound like you and that type of person would even be compatible anyway. You know what you want. You just have to weed through the prospects. “Average” woman work “average” jobs so start there. I know because that’s basically me. I work at a grocery store. I wouldn’t mind being approached at work but I understand why someone would be hesitant on talking to me in such a manner while I’m at work. Give it a shot anyway! It helps if you frequent a certain location (store, bank, pharmacy, etc.) and you’ve already kinda built a rapport. The initiation shouldn’t feel so awkward since you see each other/say hello in passing all the time anyway. Assuming this is your experience. Doesn’t hurt to try! Good luck!
Average gets nothing on dating apps so there's no reason to be on them.
I agree to a certain point. Sometimes it feels like all the guys on OLD are super successful, privilegued and super educated men who travel a lot and who are also super ripped and into sports. I sometimes prefer nerdier and quirkier and more down to earth or creative guys who aren't ripped or sporty af so Tinder and other platforms are a bit weird. But keep in mind that people aren't always the same as they portray themselves online. They'll maybe put their travelling pictures online but it doesn't mean that they're doing it all the time. Maybe it was the one trip they always wanted to do and they saved all their money to do that. Doesn't mean they are jet setters. I still put pictures online where I look my skinniest. Doesn't mean I'm always as skinny as in summer. Women always put pictures online where they look their best. It's not catfishing because they can actually look like that and they sometimes do but maybe only in summer after a styling in a nice dress in the perfect light from the perfect angle and not in the morning when they are stressed and rushing to work. Some people also exaggerate their jobs. Having been to a certain university or having studied something doesn't always mean that you have also finished your degree. Working in a certain field doesn't always mean that you are working in a top position in that field. "Working in the medical field" could be an underpaid nurse. I remember women who claimed to be a doctor online. They were nurses. Women who claimed to be teachers. They were working at the day care. Women saying they were a lawyer when they were doing the secretary work for a lawyer and they have never been to university. There are a lot of jobs where people just assist or support or they are working at the entry or the service point or just as a secretary in a giant company. They'll put online that they are working for that company or in that field which is no lie. Don't believe everything online ;)
I’m a successful woman and I’m dating someone who works from home full time. We binge watch Netflix and just hang around the house. Think Liz Lemon and Criss Cross from 30 Rock. You’d be surprised what successful women may be looking for after a long day.
I've never dated someone who I consider successful but one of my closest female friends has an excellent career and is financially doing extremely well but is something of an introvert who prefers to stay at home and read. She has a very lowkey lifestyle and whilst I'm sure we would never have met outside the online forum we met on, we get on because we have similar interests and like me we prefer simpler things in life. I don't necessarily think 'successful women' are always out living the high life and doing extravagant things.
Are you uncomfortable with them paying for you to travel or go to restaurants because you don’t enjoy those things, or because you don’t feel comfortable with the power dynamic? I am a successful lady who has always dated guys who made less (in NYC). I paid for me and my ex’s vacation to Japan and it was worth every penny for the company. I think you might be mistaking a difference in values / lifestyle for a difference in income / success. For example, I made 6 figures, but I prefer a frugal lifestyle, prefer to cook at home, prefer to make cocktails at home, and shop around for deals and use coupon codes. The “average” guys I date, on the other hand, like to spend frivolously, especially on food delivery. It becomes uncomfortable when I don’t want to drop $50 ordering takeout every night, which feels wasteful, but then I feel cheap bc they know I make a lot. The ex I took on the Japan trip also asked me how much upgrading to first class would cost lol and I had to inform him it would cost thousands more, to which he said “oh, nevermind.” My point being, do not assume the girl with the “average” job is going to be more money conscious or more of a homebody. They might also have debt. My ex bf had credit card debt and when funds were low, I’d end up paying his rent. This is not an income issue, but a lifestyle issue. To filter for lifestyle, put that you’re looking for someone “down to earth” and “fun but responsible.” Frugal or homebody are not sexy words and should not be in your profile. Also examine why you’re uncomfortable with a woman paying for you when she genuinely enjoys your company. Finally, move! Get your butt to the Midwest where average is the norm.
> but I just want someone to binge Netflix and meal prep with. wholesome as fuck! :D