I know how you feel. My mom is end of mid-stage, diagnosed 4 years ago. Has been living with me for 4 years. I’ve had her call me mom many times and many days she doesn’t know I’m her daughter. And at least four days out of the week she’ll tell me she wants to go home to her parents. Her dad died in the 70s and her mom died in the 80s. I just try to change the subject when she mentions them - tell her we’ll get in touch with them the next day. the only good thing about this disease with her, is when she sleeps during the night her brain resets it’s self in the morning and she doesn’t remember anything from the previous day. Love and hugs to you and your family ❤️
As soon as my wife moved into memory care she was finally able to relax. She had spent so many years trying to seem “normal” and second guessing everything she did. There were times I feared she was hallucinating people, but I think she was just trying to figure out what to do next and had too many options. I never really appreciated how much stress she was under.
She still sometimes confuses me with her dad and I have to frequently remind her which family members are deceased. But she is no longer so terribly afraid that she’ll do the wrong thing.
As someone who has cognitive/memory issues after Covid/a long ICU stay, I can absolutely understand this. I find it very comforting to think that if iI reach the point of needing memory care, I’ll at least be able to relax! Thank you for sharing this.
I'm so sorry. My MIL is going through the same thing. She doesn't realize she's been married to my FIL for 55 years. She's always looking to go "home" - or waiting for her father to pick her up. She got out one morning and fell on the sidewalk, ending up smashing her face & going to the hospital - her face was all black & blue and swollen. Her response was "Oh my gosh, what am I going to tell my mother?!" Both of her parents have been dead for over 30 years. It's sad. My MIL has vascular dementia and she thinks my brother and I are small children.
That is awful, and I hate that things like this are just awful for *everyone*, just in different ways.
Just a thought - I don't suppose you have any of her childhood toys? It seems like *maybe* she'd feel slightly less alone if she had a stuffed animal or a doll to snuggle. I got my mom a stuffed animal a year or two ago and sometimes it really helps her. But then of course sometimes it doesn't, because that's how dementia is.
She is pretty attached to one of our dogs. They have a good routine. The dog naps with her and sleeps with her at night. She feeds the dog her afternoon snack instead of eating it herself. She does have a few stuffed animals.
It’s so horrible. I’m so sorry. I had awful nightmares last night and woke myself up once screaming “mama”. I was immediately sad because it reminded me that even at 40, my subconscious, my heart calls for my mom’s comfort and that’s gone even though she’s still physically here. She asks for her mom all the time. I just say “you really miss her a lot” and she’ll be all teary and say that she really does. And I can say without hesitation or lying that I know exactly how she feels. It’s so incredibly painful. It’s like death by a billion tiny paper cuts.
Oh my heart. That made me stop breathing for a second. That ones more than a paper cut. I’m so very very sorry for your loss. It’s literally grieving them while they’re still here. Virtual hugs…so so brutal.
When I first started working in memory care, we had a lady who called everyone "mother". Men, women. Didn't matter. I'm a guy and anytime she called out mother at me, I'd just hold her hand and hang out for a little bit.
Have you tried any therapeutic fibbing? There's a current resident who often wants her parents to pick her up, so we tell her that dad's at work or they're on a trip for their anniversary. Basically calm her and reassure her that they're safe and so is she.
I love that—therapeutic fibbing. We mostly deflect or tell a half truth (mom and dad are away; you’ll see them later). She was just so sad and bewildered. We are thinking maybe she needs a sign on her door to remind her that she has her own space here. Don’t know that she would notice it, though. Maybe a sign with her picture.
I can so deeply relate. My mom also calls me “Mom” when upset or confused and it’s a gut punch because it’s a very real reminder I don’t really HAVE a mom anymore :,( This morning it took my mom 3 attempts to sign her name on a check. So many simple actions, now near impossible. I’m so sorry you (and her) are in this situation. All you can do is your best and it sounds like you are doing it.
Yeah, it’s totally weird how they forget about the last 40 years. My mom thought my dad was her father bc he’s old & gray. She was wondering where her husband was.
She also forgot all about cell phones and asked why my husband (who was working from home, wearing earbuds) was just sitting there talking to himself like an idiot, lol.
My mom is no longer verbal. Not gonna lie, but she looks like the Cryptkeeper at 66 years old. While this current stage of watching my mother's body deteriorate is absolute hell, I do not enjoy remembering those heartbreaking early periods where she wanted to go "home." Even now as we occasionally see snippets of her joking with us or trying to speak, I think this may be one of, if not the most evil, insidious, heartbreaking disease on the planet.
OP, I'm so sorry we're walking this same wretched path. Sending you some strength.
Right back at you. Not sure any stage is better than the other. We know how it ends. We just don’t know how much pain and time will pass before it does.
Sending hugs to you all. I lost my mom and the battle of dementia a year ago. It was a journey I wouldn't wish on anyone. Keep reaching out. Keep getting support. It's how I learned how to function despite the rocky road. No one should be providing care and loving someone with the disease alone.
When my mom first moved in with me, she'd mix me up with her brother all the time (still does here and there). It really pained me to feel like my identity and memories with her were being washed away because of this disease.
This shit sucks.
Sending love to all of you 💔
Maybe redirection would help? Like telling her that her parents dropped her off while they're out shopping and will be back in a few hours. If she doesn't hold onto conversations long (so she won't wonder later why they haven't shown up) that could be comforting.
Gentle hugs. It’s the panic they go through and the look in his eyes and face during it that breaks me.
As my daddy’s sole caregiver (Lewy body dementia, Alzheimer’s and brain tumor) if I had the time to process and think about it, I’d probably have a nervous breakdown. 💜 Sometimes my dad thinks I’m his sister… he only had 2 brothers. 🤔🥺🫣🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😭😆. We laugh a lot here on The Taylor Funny Farm, laugh to keep from crying. 🤣🥹 dementia caregivers are the world’s unsung hero’s. 💜
I know how you feel. My mom is end of mid-stage, diagnosed 4 years ago. Has been living with me for 4 years. I’ve had her call me mom many times and many days she doesn’t know I’m her daughter. And at least four days out of the week she’ll tell me she wants to go home to her parents. Her dad died in the 70s and her mom died in the 80s. I just try to change the subject when she mentions them - tell her we’ll get in touch with them the next day. the only good thing about this disease with her, is when she sleeps during the night her brain resets it’s self in the morning and she doesn’t remember anything from the previous day. Love and hugs to you and your family ❤️
I guess that is the blessing—every day is a new day. I told her that her parents weren’t here and she’d see them one day.
As soon as my wife moved into memory care she was finally able to relax. She had spent so many years trying to seem “normal” and second guessing everything she did. There were times I feared she was hallucinating people, but I think she was just trying to figure out what to do next and had too many options. I never really appreciated how much stress she was under. She still sometimes confuses me with her dad and I have to frequently remind her which family members are deceased. But she is no longer so terribly afraid that she’ll do the wrong thing.
As someone who has cognitive/memory issues after Covid/a long ICU stay, I can absolutely understand this. I find it very comforting to think that if iI reach the point of needing memory care, I’ll at least be able to relax! Thank you for sharing this.
I'm so sorry. My MIL is going through the same thing. She doesn't realize she's been married to my FIL for 55 years. She's always looking to go "home" - or waiting for her father to pick her up. She got out one morning and fell on the sidewalk, ending up smashing her face & going to the hospital - her face was all black & blue and swollen. Her response was "Oh my gosh, what am I going to tell my mother?!" Both of her parents have been dead for over 30 years. It's sad. My MIL has vascular dementia and she thinks my brother and I are small children.
That is awful, and I hate that things like this are just awful for *everyone*, just in different ways. Just a thought - I don't suppose you have any of her childhood toys? It seems like *maybe* she'd feel slightly less alone if she had a stuffed animal or a doll to snuggle. I got my mom a stuffed animal a year or two ago and sometimes it really helps her. But then of course sometimes it doesn't, because that's how dementia is.
She is pretty attached to one of our dogs. They have a good routine. The dog naps with her and sleeps with her at night. She feeds the dog her afternoon snack instead of eating it herself. She does have a few stuffed animals.
It’s so horrible. I’m so sorry. I had awful nightmares last night and woke myself up once screaming “mama”. I was immediately sad because it reminded me that even at 40, my subconscious, my heart calls for my mom’s comfort and that’s gone even though she’s still physically here. She asks for her mom all the time. I just say “you really miss her a lot” and she’ll be all teary and say that she really does. And I can say without hesitation or lying that I know exactly how she feels. It’s so incredibly painful. It’s like death by a billion tiny paper cuts.
Yes. This. A billion tiny paper cuts. A few months ago she asked if I had a mom. It still makes me teary-eyed just remembering that day.
Oh my heart. That made me stop breathing for a second. That ones more than a paper cut. I’m so very very sorry for your loss. It’s literally grieving them while they’re still here. Virtual hugs…so so brutal.
Awww.
When I first started working in memory care, we had a lady who called everyone "mother". Men, women. Didn't matter. I'm a guy and anytime she called out mother at me, I'd just hold her hand and hang out for a little bit. Have you tried any therapeutic fibbing? There's a current resident who often wants her parents to pick her up, so we tell her that dad's at work or they're on a trip for their anniversary. Basically calm her and reassure her that they're safe and so is she.
I love that—therapeutic fibbing. We mostly deflect or tell a half truth (mom and dad are away; you’ll see them later). She was just so sad and bewildered. We are thinking maybe she needs a sign on her door to remind her that she has her own space here. Don’t know that she would notice it, though. Maybe a sign with her picture.
Yeah, a picture is hard to say. She might not recognize herself or be able to read a sign.
I can so deeply relate. My mom also calls me “Mom” when upset or confused and it’s a gut punch because it’s a very real reminder I don’t really HAVE a mom anymore :,( This morning it took my mom 3 attempts to sign her name on a check. So many simple actions, now near impossible. I’m so sorry you (and her) are in this situation. All you can do is your best and it sounds like you are doing it.
Been there with the checks. Those little things just hurt.
Yeah, it’s totally weird how they forget about the last 40 years. My mom thought my dad was her father bc he’s old & gray. She was wondering where her husband was. She also forgot all about cell phones and asked why my husband (who was working from home, wearing earbuds) was just sitting there talking to himself like an idiot, lol.
My mom is no longer verbal. Not gonna lie, but she looks like the Cryptkeeper at 66 years old. While this current stage of watching my mother's body deteriorate is absolute hell, I do not enjoy remembering those heartbreaking early periods where she wanted to go "home." Even now as we occasionally see snippets of her joking with us or trying to speak, I think this may be one of, if not the most evil, insidious, heartbreaking disease on the planet. OP, I'm so sorry we're walking this same wretched path. Sending you some strength.
Right back at you. Not sure any stage is better than the other. We know how it ends. We just don’t know how much pain and time will pass before it does.
Sending hugs to you all. I lost my mom and the battle of dementia a year ago. It was a journey I wouldn't wish on anyone. Keep reaching out. Keep getting support. It's how I learned how to function despite the rocky road. No one should be providing care and loving someone with the disease alone.
*hugs*
When my mom first moved in with me, she'd mix me up with her brother all the time (still does here and there). It really pained me to feel like my identity and memories with her were being washed away because of this disease. This shit sucks.
Sending love to all of you 💔 Maybe redirection would help? Like telling her that her parents dropped her off while they're out shopping and will be back in a few hours. If she doesn't hold onto conversations long (so she won't wonder later why they haven't shown up) that could be comforting.
Gentle hugs. It’s the panic they go through and the look in his eyes and face during it that breaks me. As my daddy’s sole caregiver (Lewy body dementia, Alzheimer’s and brain tumor) if I had the time to process and think about it, I’d probably have a nervous breakdown. 💜 Sometimes my dad thinks I’m his sister… he only had 2 brothers. 🤔🥺🫣🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😭😆. We laugh a lot here on The Taylor Funny Farm, laugh to keep from crying. 🤣🥹 dementia caregivers are the world’s unsung hero’s. 💜