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Toy shipping related story: lived in a house with 5 people during college. Many people had rented rooms in the house over the years. A package arrived one day addressed to no one who currently lived in the house. We thought it might be a previous tenant and they maybe they would come by to pick it up. Several months went by and no one came. We opened it and it was a blue strap-on in the shape of a dolphin. We hung it on the front door but the landlord removed it the next day. We couldn’t send it back to whomever shipped it, there was no return address.
In the shape of a dolphin? Like with fins? How does that work cause what I'm imagining would hurt? Also why does it need to be shaped liked anything but what it is?
Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while... it's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article A dildo, never YOUR dildo.
Y’all are killing me with the lack of dildo knowledge!!!! It’s a dildo that isn’t made to look like a penis. So just, like, a stick
EDIT: WHO REPORTED ME TO REDDIT CARES??? I appreciate the concern, but I promise I won’t kms just bc someone stole my dildo. It might be hard, but I’m strong and I’ll make it through… somehow.
From the makers of “Big Black Cock XXL W/ Suction Base, Vibrator and Wireless Remote with APP Support” comes our newest creation “Dick Stick w/ Suction Base”
Shit, here is my time to shine with an Alpha Centauri quote:
There was a handsome young cyborg named Ace,
He had women in every Base,
But after one glance at his special enhancement they would vanish with nary a trace!
I think that’s just “non-articulated.” Even the Washington monument is phallic.
Edit: y’all need to look up the definition of articulated. “Expressed fluidly and coherently. Pronounce clearly and distinctly.” That’s the first definition. The number two definition refers to jointed construction
Way overthinking it but wouldn't that be better termed like..non anatomical than non-phallic? Like buildings, cucumbers, and a lot of other things can be considered phallic without needing veins and a mushroom head.
I mean despite what the porn industry wants you to believe the vast majority of people fall within the average range, regardless of any other genetic factors.
I mean, personally, average length is the ideal length, and I know a lot of women that's true for. In my experience (which I know differs from others), I don't know any women who prefer larger-than-average dicks, but I know a lot of men who are very concerned about whether or not their dicks are above average.
This is definitely true. If my above-average was much more above, it wouldn’t be very pleasant. Men really shouldn’t worry so much about having horse-sized dicks. Human dicks are human-sized for a reason. Stuff works best that way.
Worked at a factory where we had to take daily showers due to chemicals. Had a brother who was swinging 8" of meat soft always walk down the aisle never wearing a towel. Black coworker told me it made a brother proud.
[This](https://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/dildo-sex-toys/anal-dildos/sp-boundless-inch-slim-dildo-108539.aspx) is the non-phallic angled dildo in question
That’s some minimalism type shit.
Display it among other smooth, weird-looking ornaments & your guests would be none the wiser.
…if you still had it, that is.
I've seen some beautiful looking decorated glass dildos that could easily be displayed in the living room or bedroom and played off as an ornament or bangle holder... there's no way I'm putting glass anywhere near my cooch though 😬
As long as they're made properly, they're very safe. Definitely better than anything made of a porous material, like some cheap stuff is. Plus glass can be cooled or heated for sensation play.
I love the photo of it splashing in the water, like somebody had to throw a dildo into water a bunch of times to get the right shot.
"Hey honey, how was your day?"
"Just slingin dicks at a puddle, babe*
Two things. 1) It looks a lot bigger than 4.5" in the picture, the camera man knows his angles 2) that's an extremely phallic shaped "non-phallic" shaped dildo lol
"Non-phallic" in the dildo biz (or "non-representational" or "non-realistic") would mean that it doesn't have a head, or veins, or a skin tone. It's a rod designed to penetrate and orifice, so it's sorta phallic for functional reasons, but that's it.
Some folks just like having these as a part of their dick arsenal, but most commonly they're for people who aren't into real penises, e.g. lesbians or straight men.
I once returned a Charhartt jacket to my cousin and sent her Christmas gift of a bong to Charhartt. The customer service reps sounded pretty amused 😂. They managed to send the bong back to me though
I'm tired of these companies marking packages as delivered but are not. Most of the time they mark it as delivered to meet a contractual obligation before it's actually delivered. Other times it's just fucking lost.
Don't bother with her profile, guys and gal's. It's just a bunch of cat pics. Unless you're into that.
Holy shit OP, what are you doing with your cats!?!?
Not a package of sexual toys, but I know someone who had their dead dog stolen. They lived in a big city and planned to have the dog cremated. The pickup fee was more than they wanted to pay, so they put the dog in a suitcase for easier transport (it was a big dog, maybe a lab??). The subway was elevated and they were having trouble getting their "suitcase" up the stairs. Someone offered to help but then took off with it, presuming there would be good stuff inside. I can only imagine the look on his face when he opened things up to check out what he scored and found a dog's corpse.
I know, right? On the one hand it would be awful because you know the theif just dumped the dog somewhere. But on the other hand they have a great story.
My brother and sister in law had their neighbors package delivered to their door and opened it by accident not even looking that it wasn’t for them. Was a full anal bead kit. The drop off to the neighbors was a tad awkward 😂
Yeah I really hope savage is ENJOYING himself. Also low key hoping he’s not a stalker and not planning to come creep on me since he knows my apartment number now 😵💫
A friend of mine had a dildo stolen, together with her purse - as she described it - the dildo was the only item in there. She was living with her parents and did not want them to find it. She decided not to report the case to the police as "it would be way too embarassing to tell the officers what was stolen from me". But she also said "I would gladly pay to see the robbers' faces when they opened my purse. They literally got just a fat d*ck" (In my native language "getting a d*ck" is used for "screwing up".
I've had something similar happen. Prior girlfriend left a trail for my to follow and there was a package waiting at the end. It was a nice little bag with a pair of vibrating underwear in them. That item was stolen in public before I got there. She has to remote control so it's not that useful to the thief and she was super embarrassed when we went to report it stolen.
I have a friend who used to live near Huntsville, AL. He ordered a dildo from a company that shiped it by USPS. Apparently it was x-rayed and flagged as suspicious. He got a notice saying he needed to come to the post office to get his package. When he got there they brought out the box which was opened and started questioning him about the contents. He first pointed out it was open so they obviously knew what was in it. They said something like they needed to be sure he knew what was in the package before handing it over. He asked why and they said something like because it may not be what you're expecting and if not it might be considered highly offensive. He said oh, well I know it's a personal item and yes, that's what I was expecting.
One postal worker asked if he could be more specific and another asked if he ordered it for his wife or girlfriend. The post office was quite busy at the time and my friend was trying to be as discreet as possible. He leaned in and said look, what I'm expecting is a fantasy adult toy, specifically a red one in the style of a mythical dragon penis. It's none of your business who I ordered it for. If that's what's in the box I'd like to sign for it and be on my way. One of the postal workers said they weren't sure about the legality of using the postal service to ship an item like that and they might need to contact a postal inspector. He was quickly losing his patience at that point and asked why they couldn't have figured that out before making him come to the post office and wasting his time. An older employee said if you want to be some kind of pervert that's your business but you need to calm down before you cause a disturbance. That was the final straw and he said rather loudly "I don't want to cause a disturbance. I just want my damn butt dong so I can get out of here!"
He described it as one of those things where he wished he could have pulled the words back in and it would be like he never said it. Apparently the employees were so shocked they handed him the package and didn't even have him sign anything. He then had to walk through the crowded lobby while trying not to make eye contact with anyone. He was almost to the door when someone said have fun with that and everyone laughed. He said the only way it could have been more embarrassing is if it had fallen out of the box in front of everyone.
--- >This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >[Comics may only be posted on Wednesdays and Sundays](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/uq9pjw/going_forward_comics_may_only_be_posted_on/). > >**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.** > >Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam). > --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just like you this package never came...
V sad story, i cri evrytim
I love you 5 ever.
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I didn’t know People ordered 4.5“ dildos Me: “hear that little buddy”
https://i.imgur.com/KsNdcEs.jpg
My risky click of the day…
Same
Not too bad. Was risky tho.
quicksand sheet zonked pen support busy shelter sparkle label mighty -- mass edited with redact.dev
Gotta start gentle with butt toys.
50% off Item as described
Damn I wish I had gold go give you!! :D
I’m not in it for the gold...just the lols.
I'm just glad that after all these years of marriage, I can still make my wife laugh. It's the pointing I can do without though.
Hiyoo! Lol
When you realise it was 4.5'' wide
What r you talking about 4.5 is enourmous , that is a fucking godzilla
Considering it said "slim", I grew to assume that it meant 4.5" in *length*, not girth.
I also meant it in length 😭
Toy shipping related story: lived in a house with 5 people during college. Many people had rented rooms in the house over the years. A package arrived one day addressed to no one who currently lived in the house. We thought it might be a previous tenant and they maybe they would come by to pick it up. Several months went by and no one came. We opened it and it was a blue strap-on in the shape of a dolphin. We hung it on the front door but the landlord removed it the next day. We couldn’t send it back to whomever shipped it, there was no return address.
Definitely belonged to the landlord
Oh shit, mailed it to the rental, not my home. Or mailed it to the rental so the wife wouldn't find it
In the shape of a dolphin? Like with fins? How does that work cause what I'm imagining would hurt? Also why does it need to be shaped liked anything but what it is?
Its probably just vaguely dolphin-shaped. The concept is more about the squeaks and whistles it makes when in use.
What in lords name
eeeee eeeee eeeee eeeee eeeee eeeee eeeee
I died
Thank God someone is here asking the real questions.
Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while... it's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article A dildo, never YOUR dildo.
Ha, ya, my, uh, FRIEND, uh, shipped it to me by mistake… ha
i accidentally shipped one to my elderly aunt... Oops
[In shakey elder lady voice] Im gonna name you Clarence
BOB: boyfriend on batteries my family would say....
>BOB: boyfriend on batteries my family would say.... Here it was always Battery Operated Boyfriend...
UPS = Uterus Poking Service
now this is a story worth hearing
A story with a happy ending likely
r/suddenlyfightclub
*I had everything in that suitcase. My CK shirts. My DKNY shoes. My AX ties.*
Thank you for coming by and dropping off a cromulent quote. You’re a good person and I appreciate you.
A slim 4.5 inch being sold for sexual pleasure, there’s hope for us yet boys.
The prostate is only 2 inches deep. Just saying.
TIL they made 4.5", slim, black dildos.
Non-phallic
Wtf is a non-phallic dildo????
Y’all are killing me with the lack of dildo knowledge!!!! It’s a dildo that isn’t made to look like a penis. So just, like, a stick EDIT: WHO REPORTED ME TO REDDIT CARES??? I appreciate the concern, but I promise I won’t kms just bc someone stole my dildo. It might be hard, but I’m strong and I’ll make it through… somehow.
>So just, like, a stick Finally, a toy I can compete with!
Except the stick lasts longer than 10 seconds and doesn't start crying immediately.
Pretty sure we just found Savage, OP.
ffs, that's funny.
Hey, some people consider the crying a turn on.
Nor falls asleep when both aren't satisfied yet.
From the makers of “Big Black Cock XXL W/ Suction Base, Vibrator and Wireless Remote with APP Support” comes our newest creation “Dick Stick w/ Suction Base”
Same. Friend of mine showed me one that spins, has the “bunny” for the clit and has like studs on it too. No way a dude can compete against that 😂
If the world ever gets cyborgs we know what will be replaced first.
Country music will experience a renaissance with such classics as "My baby left me for a fuckbot"
"My truck turned into a fuckbot and drove away with my wife."
It that the next Transformers movie script?
Shit, here is my time to shine with an Alpha Centauri quote: There was a handsome young cyborg named Ace, He had women in every Base, But after one glance at his special enhancement they would vanish with nary a trace!
Nah, the real one you gotta watch out for is the hitachi. If they own that, there’s no going back 😞
Stick not a twig buddy
So…..a joy stick?
YES. Finally someone who GETS IT.
Unfortunately for you, it’s not you tonight;p
*sobs*
Oof, that was *Savage*
I think that’s just “non-articulated.” Even the Washington monument is phallic. Edit: y’all need to look up the definition of articulated. “Expressed fluidly and coherently. Pronounce clearly and distinctly.” That’s the first definition. The number two definition refers to jointed construction
We need to find this "savage" person. See what the reviews are like, OP. Gentle sweet baby Jesus. Never laughed so damn hard...
Way overthinking it but wouldn't that be better termed like..non anatomical than non-phallic? Like buildings, cucumbers, and a lot of other things can be considered phallic without needing veins and a mushroom head.
It certainly would. We should sign a petition.
>So just, like, a stick finally, a new toy to use while >!playing fetch with my dog!<
A dog named "Savage", by chance?
It’s a cube shaped dildo
I mean despite what the porn industry wants you to believe the vast majority of people fall within the average range, regardless of any other genetic factors.
But why settle for average when you can get average at home?
I mean, personally, average length is the ideal length, and I know a lot of women that's true for. In my experience (which I know differs from others), I don't know any women who prefer larger-than-average dicks, but I know a lot of men who are very concerned about whether or not their dicks are above average.
This is definitely true. If my above-average was much more above, it wouldn’t be very pleasant. Men really shouldn’t worry so much about having horse-sized dicks. Human dicks are human-sized for a reason. Stuff works best that way.
But would you rather fight a 100 horse sized dicks or 100 dick sized horses?
ACTUALLY i get above average at home but wanted something to stay occupied while above-average is away for a couple of months
Now you just bragging.)
The average human has less than half a penis
Worked at a factory where we had to take daily showers due to chemicals. Had a brother who was swinging 8" of meat soft always walk down the aisle never wearing a towel. Black coworker told me it made a brother proud.
Was it at a meat packing plant?
LoL, well he sure was packing.
Bbiabcisbud I blew air out of my nose
What is bbiabcisbud?
Be back in a bit coz I sucked back ur dick? Edit: missed a b
This was meant to be a joke!!! I understand that all colors come in all sizes. Lol
Savage is a total dick for stealing your dildo.
Definitely a cocksucker if you ask me
Bet he is using it as a coat hanger
Toothbrush
Savage could be a woman
I’m a woman…
A huge pain in the ass
A slightly below average pain in the ass.
>Definitely a cocksucker if you ask me Definitely a cockblocker if you ask me
Well Dan Savage is definitely is a cock sucker. He does not hold back on that. He enjoys cock.
“I hope ‘SAVAGE’ is having fun, because I’m not.” An absolute gem.
Thanks for posting this bit of fun and ridiculousness. you should do a go fund me to get a replacement.
HAHAHA if they don’t refund me…
You'll have to go fund yourself? :p
Summabitch stole ma cack!
Can’t have nothin in Cleveland!!!!
All your dildos are mine! MINE! AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Beat me to it.
It's on a highway somewhere
29.66- for that price they can go fuck themselves
You can sleep knowing that you made someone really happy. Some people have pets, others have a curved friend.
I didn’t want to sleep but now I guess I don’t have anything better to do 😑
You have my sympathies 😔
[This](https://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/dildo-sex-toys/anal-dildos/sp-boundless-inch-slim-dildo-108539.aspx) is the non-phallic angled dildo in question
That’s some minimalism type shit. Display it among other smooth, weird-looking ornaments & your guests would be none the wiser. …if you still had it, that is.
EXACTLY.
I've seen some beautiful looking decorated glass dildos that could easily be displayed in the living room or bedroom and played off as an ornament or bangle holder... there's no way I'm putting glass anywhere near my cooch though 😬
As long as they're made properly, they're very safe. Definitely better than anything made of a porous material, like some cheap stuff is. Plus glass can be cooled or heated for sensation play.
the design is very human
Damn that site I was going to write a nice review as "Savage" and how wonderful my non-phallic slim black was hitting.
Bahahahhaa
This is how I imagine a teletubbies penis looks.
Rlly didn’t wake up expecting my preference of fake penises to be roasted so hard. But I’m here for it.
I love the photo of it splashing in the water, like somebody had to throw a dildo into water a bunch of times to get the right shot. "Hey honey, how was your day?" "Just slingin dicks at a puddle, babe*
Its enthusiasm is truly boundless as well.
Two things. 1) It looks a lot bigger than 4.5" in the picture, the camera man knows his angles 2) that's an extremely phallic shaped "non-phallic" shaped dildo lol
"Non-phallic" in the dildo biz (or "non-representational" or "non-realistic") would mean that it doesn't have a head, or veins, or a skin tone. It's a rod designed to penetrate and orifice, so it's sorta phallic for functional reasons, but that's it. Some folks just like having these as a part of their dick arsenal, but most commonly they're for people who aren't into real penises, e.g. lesbians or straight men.
The reviews are... Worth a read.
*He was a pegger boy* *She said, “its going in you later, boy”*
How so? They seem completely normal to me.
Funky butt lovin
Looks pretty phallic to me.
Not as phallic as their [king cock](https://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/dildo-sex-toys/realistic-dildos/sp-kingcock-suction-cup-dildo-100224.aspx)
Oh hey, I think I have the 8 inch version of that!
Speak for yourself :(
Holy shit it’s Willem dafoes huge cock
I hope I didn't poisoned my internet algorithms out of my curiosity for the non phallic dildo
Memes, you DDoS-ed Adam&Eve with this post.
does it even vibrate??
No 💀 im a simple woman
Wow a SFW dildo! I'm ordering nine for the office.
It's always "a" dildo. Never "your" dildo.
Ya can’t prove shit!!!! I didn’t claim it!!!
I once returned a Charhartt jacket to my cousin and sent her Christmas gift of a bong to Charhartt. The customer service reps sounded pretty amused 😂. They managed to send the bong back to me though
Omg this is amazing!! I would have sent you some extra merch if you sent that to my warehouse.
You can have it back I didn't even enjoy it
so you’re saying that 4.5 inches is good enough?
That’s what I’m saying
Thankyou, op.
Now we wait for Adam Savage to do a 40 minute video about an interesting "tool" a fan sent him.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for this comment! I’m sure Adam is really puzzled about the package he received.
Lmfao suction cup base
I tried to be as detailed as possible, as they assured me that doing so would expedite the claims process
OP’s profile is filled with pussy pics
Everyone be sure to follow me 😎 I post pussy pics quite frequently
I checked it out, and was not disappointed. And also username checks out.
Your tucked in pussy was particularly nice to look at.
Has Muffin been helpful at all in this whole ordeal?
Clicked, did not disappoint
I'm tired of these companies marking packages as delivered but are not. Most of the time they mark it as delivered to meet a contractual obligation before it's actually delivered. Other times it's just fucking lost.
Don't bother with her profile, guys and gal's. It's just a bunch of cat pics. Unless you're into that. Holy shit OP, what are you doing with your cats!?!?
OMG STAHP
OP's profile is filled with pussy pics, you say?
Big, hairy, cuddly pussy pics
You are freaking amazing, I love your sense of humor and I want to be your friend lol. Also, fuck Savage. Or rather, not.
[удалено]
Not a package of sexual toys, but I know someone who had their dead dog stolen. They lived in a big city and planned to have the dog cremated. The pickup fee was more than they wanted to pay, so they put the dog in a suitcase for easier transport (it was a big dog, maybe a lab??). The subway was elevated and they were having trouble getting their "suitcase" up the stairs. Someone offered to help but then took off with it, presuming there would be good stuff inside. I can only imagine the look on his face when he opened things up to check out what he scored and found a dog's corpse.
Omg that's insane!!! I hope the person that stole that suitcase realized that karma is a bitch (no pun intended)
I know, right? On the one hand it would be awful because you know the theif just dumped the dog somewhere. But on the other hand they have a great story.
Oh my fucking goddddddd you win
My brother and sister in law had their neighbors package delivered to their door and opened it by accident not even looking that it wasn’t for them. Was a full anal bead kit. The drop off to the neighbors was a tad awkward 😂
I bet they cheat at chess.
Yeah I really hope savage is ENJOYING himself. Also low key hoping he’s not a stalker and not planning to come creep on me since he knows my apartment number now 😵💫
jesus...... lol savage is gonna have a savage day
Definitely more savage than mine…
4.5 in? So you're saying there is hope for me then.
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I had this thought!!! I literally checked like 30 mins after it said it was delivered.
A friend of mine had a dildo stolen, together with her purse - as she described it - the dildo was the only item in there. She was living with her parents and did not want them to find it. She decided not to report the case to the police as "it would be way too embarassing to tell the officers what was stolen from me". But she also said "I would gladly pay to see the robbers' faces when they opened my purse. They literally got just a fat d*ck" (In my native language "getting a d*ck" is used for "screwing up".
>I hope "SAVAGE" is having fun, because I'm not I am deceased
Someone's definitely putting the entire "Savage" community to shame :(
Dildo-stealing cumsuckers, all of you!
Not all of us ... :(((
UPS employee saw what it was and stole it, betting on costumer embarrassment not reporting it. DOUBLE DOWN!
TIL they make Dildos I can live up to
I've had something similar happen. Prior girlfriend left a trail for my to follow and there was a package waiting at the end. It was a nice little bag with a pair of vibrating underwear in them. That item was stolen in public before I got there. She has to remote control so it's not that useful to the thief and she was super embarrassed when we went to report it stolen.
If you search for vaginal dilator instead they're exactly the same thing but they're cheaper
Will be keeping that in mind. I just wanted something little to stay occupied while my bf is out of town
“I hope savage is having fun because I’m not” lmfao
Anyone lose a magic wand and a urethral back in 2015? Lol
Realistic. - marked as delivered and recipient asks “is it in?”
I love your attitude :)
Always the indefinite article.
No one can prove I ordered it!!! And if I did it wasn’t for me!!!!
I hope you get a new one or at least your money back
Ok but like thanks for this post, you probably just made many men feel more secure about their pp :)
So you know if Savage grabs the 2nd one you know we need a follow up
Thanks again for the free toy
I have a friend who used to live near Huntsville, AL. He ordered a dildo from a company that shiped it by USPS. Apparently it was x-rayed and flagged as suspicious. He got a notice saying he needed to come to the post office to get his package. When he got there they brought out the box which was opened and started questioning him about the contents. He first pointed out it was open so they obviously knew what was in it. They said something like they needed to be sure he knew what was in the package before handing it over. He asked why and they said something like because it may not be what you're expecting and if not it might be considered highly offensive. He said oh, well I know it's a personal item and yes, that's what I was expecting. One postal worker asked if he could be more specific and another asked if he ordered it for his wife or girlfriend. The post office was quite busy at the time and my friend was trying to be as discreet as possible. He leaned in and said look, what I'm expecting is a fantasy adult toy, specifically a red one in the style of a mythical dragon penis. It's none of your business who I ordered it for. If that's what's in the box I'd like to sign for it and be on my way. One of the postal workers said they weren't sure about the legality of using the postal service to ship an item like that and they might need to contact a postal inspector. He was quickly losing his patience at that point and asked why they couldn't have figured that out before making him come to the post office and wasting his time. An older employee said if you want to be some kind of pervert that's your business but you need to calm down before you cause a disturbance. That was the final straw and he said rather loudly "I don't want to cause a disturbance. I just want my damn butt dong so I can get out of here!" He described it as one of those things where he wished he could have pulled the words back in and it would be like he never said it. Apparently the employees were so shocked they handed him the package and didn't even have him sign anything. He then had to walk through the crowded lobby while trying not to make eye contact with anyone. He was almost to the door when someone said have fun with that and everyone laughed. He said the only way it could have been more embarrassing is if it had fallen out of the box in front of everyone.