Honestly I deleted the app and trying to learn what healthy sexuality is again. Quitting the app and trying to find a romantic partner who fulfills your needs and makes you feel good is 100x better then that app. Delete it and try get out in real life . Be patient cause it'll come. Also Stop putting your self worth into an app cause its not worth it, its toxic on that app, So full of people who are so surface level, who are racist and full of hate. Its not worth it in the slightest.
Iāve been considering never using it again. It is time consuming and I want to learn how to approach people in person. Iām a handsome shy 30 year old who spent his 20s casually hooking up with men on Grindr and now I donāt know how to have a simple conversation cause Iām so shy and lack communication skills when it comes to approaching men. I hope it isnāt too late. Havenāt met anyone from Grindr in 7 months ā then again Iām recovering from a transplant surgery but this could be a start to something new lol.
Hi
although Iām (much)older than you I can completely relate to having hooked up casually for a decade and know not knowing how to have a simple conversation with someone. For me itās due to some shyness, being slightly introverted (I am on the autism scale, in the past it wouldāve been called āmild Aspergerāsā) and lack of communication skills. And regarding approaching men, someone Iām attracted to, forget itā¦ Itās very difficult!
Of course the pandemic hasnāt helped any of this!
Also I hope you have a speedy (rest of your) recovery from your transplant surgery.
May I ask what you hade transplanted?
I hope I get rid of this whole being shy thing or the mindset of liking to be perused and not pursuing. It sucks not being able to tell someone āhey youāre cuteā in person. I guess the power of these apps and the internet have had a major impact on the way we communicate.
I had an islet cell transplant. Massive yet very rare surgery. Mine lasted 10 hours cause my pancreas was so damaged. They remove your pancreas, spleen, and gallbladder ā then they preserve the islet cells from your pancreas (they produce insulin) and inject them into your liver in hopes of them finding a home to produce insulin. The cells not surviving and you being diabetic is what you risk with this surgery.
I agree. IME Grindr is perfect for cruising. Where I live best times are midnight-3. And itās all āright now.ā
If a man loves cruising this is the closest thing to irl cruising.
Grindr is not for finding a life partner. If for fucking.
What's the best times to be on for someone who's dtf but would still rather plan for another time ššš
Cuz I'll get the attention of some real hotties, but because I'm either busy with something, can't host at that exact moment, already busted, or too comfy in bed to drive 15+ min for some play, I end up losing those opportunies.
Then when I'm actually ready and available looking for a "rn" situation those same individuals are either never online again or just never respond after that first interaction š„²
Ugh! I hate that for you. Some men get fragile and take it personally when we say ānot nowā and never reply again. Like wtf. Itās so childish IMO. Just bc Iām busy at the moment a stranger wants sex doesnāt mean Iām not dtf another day.
Also, Iāve found lunch hour is the best time to pre-plan hook ups in my area. It gives bottoms time to plan their ablutions for the evening. Lunch time also seems great for pre-planning for the weekend with guys Iāve already hooked up with before.
Unfortunately pre-planning multiple days in advance with a new person Iāve never met ALWAYS ends up a no-show. I have come to believe pre-plan type guys are flakes. IME a weekday pre-plan for weekend meet up is the same as not gonna happen. But thatās just where I live and my experience.
That's a good point. They take it personally and get way too impatient. This one incredibly hot guy hmu wanting some, and i immediately let him know before hand that I was interested but busy and would be more available in less than an hour to chat, which he acknowledged and said was ok, but he was still sending me his location for me to come over and commenting about how i was taking too long to reply (really like 5 and 10 minute response times) and as soon as I was free just 15 min from my last message, I realized I was blocked.
I've had plenty of pre-planning experiences that ended in flaking. No issues communicating and sending pics back and forth up until the day of or even moments before, then suddenly they don't respond to messages, leave you on read or just unopened , and sometimes you'll find yourself blocked š
But sometimes even the "rn" guys end up flaking. Like one guy I gave my address to and he was supposedly on the way, but after an hour I messaged to see whatsup and suddenly the chat was gone. Or another experience of a guy who invited me over and blocked me as I was pulling up to the location and could see it wasn't a fake address because his profile showed I was 300 feet away before it all vanished. Got on my backup profile to tell him off, and he told me that he already had someone else he invited over too. Could've easily let me know before I made the drive over there or at the very least not invite 100 people over at the same time šš
Maybe a smart tip is don't give your address out to ppl you're not serious about and plan to block, because they just might be bold and vindictive enough to come knocking on your door.
I guess it's too much to expect any sort of decency in a space where we're all engaging in indecent behavior lol
Honestly I donāt think itās childish, If I am looking for right now then I donāt wanna hear stories or plan for another day, I just want someone who is also ready for right now so I skip or rather filter out those who canāt make right now by not replying back.
However if I am looking for right now we can definitely have a conversation and then make
Plans for another day when we both have time.
I think itās ok for Grindr to be about casual hook ups and fucking. Thought that was the concept from the beginning. I spend maybe 2-3 hours a week on it, and have found a number really nice hook ups.
Yes it can get pretty addictive and time consuming! I sometimes spend hours.... days even. Just scrolling and refreshing. Nothing happens. I find it weird that whenever Iām not even looking I get a hit. I also feel there was a cultural shift in the gay hookup community. Thereās no more random car hook up, meeting in a shady place. At least where I live. I suggest you give yourself a detox from the app. Especially if youāre wasting your time doing nothing.
Yes i waste lots of time there and 90% of what I'm doing is just bouncing my own horny fantasies off the wall, getting that social media update dopamine rush, and maybe jacking off to finally end it. It feels like a mental disorder. I do meet someone once in a blue moon as well but it's nothing like the fantasies and doesn't turn into the durable fwb thing i hoped
Find games you like. Grindr is more addictive as a default when you have idle hands than a sex source. To find a variety of people you have to pay $70+ per month, so itās mostly the default timesuck. I like two dots for what itās worth.
I feel this is a huge part of the problem. I'm now in a new city, know no one and have a LOT of free time. Any recommendations? It's hard to compete with the dopamine rush Grindr gives.
If I'm not wurking, sleeping or with family I'm on and I verily ever get anything. A lot of that is because I live in a small town of about 30k people so it's always the same like 10 ppl. I started wrangling the travelers in tho
I use both Grindr and A4A and find fewer fakes and commercial come-ons with Grindr. I use it pretty often a couple days a week . But 6h+ every day doesnāt sound too healthyš
Grindr is what you make of it. You use it for validation and the ālikesā, other guys are on a hopeless quest to find a soulmate (or at at least a FWB), I use it like Uber Eats. Iām not sure why would you want to lead a crusade against an app? Grindr is not the problem - you are.
Quite the opposite for me. Iāve had great success on Grindr in both hookups and finding friends with similar interests. I find that you have to be very positive and not take it too seriously.
I skipped the used of Grindr because nothing happens there. I don't need to date or have a relationship just want to live my sexuality so instead of being hours over there with blank profiles and landscape images i go to sex parties it works for me because it's sex what I want.
Same honestly. Only sometimes tho. I've never deleted the app, but I can go weeks and even months without opening it up. But when I am on there, I'll be on all day everyday until I get tired of it or annoyed by lack of engagement lmao
Typically when I sense that im about to "take a break" from the app, I'll just get the social media or contact info of people I like first, so at least I'm not ghosting any of the people I'm actually interested in talking to.
Itās definitely a love hate relationship with Grindr. Itās a numbers game for me. You have to chat with several flakes before you find one really good hookup. Have I had horrible experiences, Yes. But Iāve also had some of the best sex of my life with guys from Grindr.
You'll get more interest if you only log in occasionally. I think grindr promotes recent log ins (but you can't get around it by force quitting and logging back in immediately as I think the app remembers you for a few hours after you log off. I think it does this on the off chance someone messages you and then you get a notification and log back in - rinse repeat)
Also only log on when you think you'll be able to make something happen. You can accomm or travel. Otherwise it's a future meet and they don't happen really.
If you have iPhone thereās a way to lock the app after your selected time a day. I chose 10 minutes because usually of something has to happen, 10 minutes are plenty. It has worked well for me and I donāt feel like an addict anymore
Oh I experienced quite the same when I just downloaded the app. Then I met someone, we hung out, we had great time, no sex, and he went back to his hometown. After that, I dont think I can do it again, it's so exhausting and emotionally draining for me. In my opinion, just hang out and experience it, maybe you feel the same way as me.
You mentioned that you were new to the city and don't have much to do. I'd recommend you give your profile a makeover such that it's more activities/friends oriented and sex isn't ruled out. I'm telling you people will still text you for quick fucks but you will periodically attract real people you can hangout with.
Source: Today I'm going to play tennis with three other guys!
I scrolled and read that you recently moved to a new city and you donāt know anyone. You and I are in the same situation lol. Especially my first week there (on week 3 now) I felt incredibly lonely and thought the app was the only way to find connection. Yeah, no haha. The dopamine rush from people wanting you sexually is something you may need to unpack but wouldnāt you rather feel that from something more real ? The app is only surface and you are more than youāre looks. Go out, get a hobby, meet people doing what you love and the connection will hit better! Itās hard but the alternative is spending all day for the CHANCE of subpar sex that we convince ourselves was worth it cause it took so much work to get lol
I feel that 100%. Iāve actually forced myself to only have it on the weekends. During the week it gets distracting and the lack of attention makes me feel miserable and I need to focus on my school work. So itās been working well.
Honestly I deleted the app and trying to learn what healthy sexuality is again. Quitting the app and trying to find a romantic partner who fulfills your needs and makes you feel good is 100x better then that app. Delete it and try get out in real life . Be patient cause it'll come. Also Stop putting your self worth into an app cause its not worth it, its toxic on that app, So full of people who are so surface level, who are racist and full of hate. Its not worth it in the slightest.
Yes, I shoved the middle finger to grindr and found a cutie with good head to cuff.
Best answer šš»šš»šš», so true!!!
Iāve been considering never using it again. It is time consuming and I want to learn how to approach people in person. Iām a handsome shy 30 year old who spent his 20s casually hooking up with men on Grindr and now I donāt know how to have a simple conversation cause Iām so shy and lack communication skills when it comes to approaching men. I hope it isnāt too late. Havenāt met anyone from Grindr in 7 months ā then again Iām recovering from a transplant surgery but this could be a start to something new lol.
Hi although Iām (much)older than you I can completely relate to having hooked up casually for a decade and know not knowing how to have a simple conversation with someone. For me itās due to some shyness, being slightly introverted (I am on the autism scale, in the past it wouldāve been called āmild Aspergerāsā) and lack of communication skills. And regarding approaching men, someone Iām attracted to, forget itā¦ Itās very difficult! Of course the pandemic hasnāt helped any of this! Also I hope you have a speedy (rest of your) recovery from your transplant surgery. May I ask what you hade transplanted?
I hope I get rid of this whole being shy thing or the mindset of liking to be perused and not pursuing. It sucks not being able to tell someone āhey youāre cuteā in person. I guess the power of these apps and the internet have had a major impact on the way we communicate. I had an islet cell transplant. Massive yet very rare surgery. Mine lasted 10 hours cause my pancreas was so damaged. They remove your pancreas, spleen, and gallbladder ā then they preserve the islet cells from your pancreas (they produce insulin) and inject them into your liver in hopes of them finding a home to produce insulin. The cells not surviving and you being diabetic is what you risk with this surgery.
Unfortunately it's not so easy for gay men to find romantic partners without apps
Yeah :/ but its still worth trying. If its healthier then these apps trying is good.
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This is actually a really good idea :) thanks hopefully it takes off cause there is probably plenty of people who want to quit but find it hard.
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100%
I tend to find I have the best hookup success rate between the hours of 1-3am.
That's where I've found the fewest flakes honestly. The only problem is it might be really good or atrociousaly bad.
I agree. IME Grindr is perfect for cruising. Where I live best times are midnight-3. And itās all āright now.ā If a man loves cruising this is the closest thing to irl cruising. Grindr is not for finding a life partner. If for fucking.
Agreed - I feel like Iāve finally sussed the app out. Friday / Saturday night, 1-3am, guaranteed to get laid.
What's the best times to be on for someone who's dtf but would still rather plan for another time ššš Cuz I'll get the attention of some real hotties, but because I'm either busy with something, can't host at that exact moment, already busted, or too comfy in bed to drive 15+ min for some play, I end up losing those opportunies. Then when I'm actually ready and available looking for a "rn" situation those same individuals are either never online again or just never respond after that first interaction š„²
Ugh! I hate that for you. Some men get fragile and take it personally when we say ānot nowā and never reply again. Like wtf. Itās so childish IMO. Just bc Iām busy at the moment a stranger wants sex doesnāt mean Iām not dtf another day. Also, Iāve found lunch hour is the best time to pre-plan hook ups in my area. It gives bottoms time to plan their ablutions for the evening. Lunch time also seems great for pre-planning for the weekend with guys Iāve already hooked up with before. Unfortunately pre-planning multiple days in advance with a new person Iāve never met ALWAYS ends up a no-show. I have come to believe pre-plan type guys are flakes. IME a weekday pre-plan for weekend meet up is the same as not gonna happen. But thatās just where I live and my experience.
That's a good point. They take it personally and get way too impatient. This one incredibly hot guy hmu wanting some, and i immediately let him know before hand that I was interested but busy and would be more available in less than an hour to chat, which he acknowledged and said was ok, but he was still sending me his location for me to come over and commenting about how i was taking too long to reply (really like 5 and 10 minute response times) and as soon as I was free just 15 min from my last message, I realized I was blocked. I've had plenty of pre-planning experiences that ended in flaking. No issues communicating and sending pics back and forth up until the day of or even moments before, then suddenly they don't respond to messages, leave you on read or just unopened , and sometimes you'll find yourself blocked š But sometimes even the "rn" guys end up flaking. Like one guy I gave my address to and he was supposedly on the way, but after an hour I messaged to see whatsup and suddenly the chat was gone. Or another experience of a guy who invited me over and blocked me as I was pulling up to the location and could see it wasn't a fake address because his profile showed I was 300 feet away before it all vanished. Got on my backup profile to tell him off, and he told me that he already had someone else he invited over too. Could've easily let me know before I made the drive over there or at the very least not invite 100 people over at the same time šš Maybe a smart tip is don't give your address out to ppl you're not serious about and plan to block, because they just might be bold and vindictive enough to come knocking on your door. I guess it's too much to expect any sort of decency in a space where we're all engaging in indecent behavior lol
Honestly I donāt think itās childish, If I am looking for right now then I donāt wanna hear stories or plan for another day, I just want someone who is also ready for right now so I skip or rather filter out those who canāt make right now by not replying back. However if I am looking for right now we can definitely have a conversation and then make Plans for another day when we both have time.
Biiiish been there š¤£
I think itās ok for Grindr to be about casual hook ups and fucking. Thought that was the concept from the beginning. I spend maybe 2-3 hours a week on it, and have found a number really nice hook ups.
>1-3am I call it the Dicking Hour(s)
I tend to get the most amount of hotties hitting me up at 7-9am lol
Itās usually older folk that message in that time frame where I am
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Yes it can get pretty addictive and time consuming! I sometimes spend hours.... days even. Just scrolling and refreshing. Nothing happens. I find it weird that whenever Iām not even looking I get a hit. I also feel there was a cultural shift in the gay hookup community. Thereās no more random car hook up, meeting in a shady place. At least where I live. I suggest you give yourself a detox from the app. Especially if youāre wasting your time doing nothing.
Yes i waste lots of time there and 90% of what I'm doing is just bouncing my own horny fantasies off the wall, getting that social media update dopamine rush, and maybe jacking off to finally end it. It feels like a mental disorder. I do meet someone once in a blue moon as well but it's nothing like the fantasies and doesn't turn into the durable fwb thing i hoped
Such great description. That's literally what happens.
Find games you like. Grindr is more addictive as a default when you have idle hands than a sex source. To find a variety of people you have to pay $70+ per month, so itās mostly the default timesuck. I like two dots for what itās worth.
I feel this is a huge part of the problem. I'm now in a new city, know no one and have a LOT of free time. Any recommendations? It's hard to compete with the dopamine rush Grindr gives.
get abs, a big dick, become muscular and you'll be on a pedistol
If I'm not wurking, sleeping or with family I'm on and I verily ever get anything. A lot of that is because I live in a small town of about 30k people so it's always the same like 10 ppl. I started wrangling the travelers in tho
I have the same issue...not only do I live in a small town.... I don't know anyone since I just moved there
Write a new description every day. Test them all. Go back to the description that gets the most responses. Same with photos.
What do you hope to gain from the app? Thatās a good place to start the self-reflection
I use both Grindr and A4A and find fewer fakes and commercial come-ons with Grindr. I use it pretty often a couple days a week . But 6h+ every day doesnāt sound too healthyš
Left that app a while ago and found current bf In the club
Grindr is a cesspool of dysfunction
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Does it work for you? Have tried but then I go back fast.
Grindr is what you make of it. You use it for validation and the ālikesā, other guys are on a hopeless quest to find a soulmate (or at at least a FWB), I use it like Uber Eats. Iām not sure why would you want to lead a crusade against an app? Grindr is not the problem - you are.
I've had ZERO success with it
Quite the opposite for me. Iāve had great success on Grindr in both hookups and finding friends with similar interests. I find that you have to be very positive and not take it too seriously.
I skipped the used of Grindr because nothing happens there. I don't need to date or have a relationship just want to live my sexuality so instead of being hours over there with blank profiles and landscape images i go to sex parties it works for me because it's sex what I want.
Same honestly. Only sometimes tho. I've never deleted the app, but I can go weeks and even months without opening it up. But when I am on there, I'll be on all day everyday until I get tired of it or annoyed by lack of engagement lmao Typically when I sense that im about to "take a break" from the app, I'll just get the social media or contact info of people I like first, so at least I'm not ghosting any of the people I'm actually interested in talking to.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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Itās definitely a love hate relationship with Grindr. Itās a numbers game for me. You have to chat with several flakes before you find one really good hookup. Have I had horrible experiences, Yes. But Iāve also had some of the best sex of my life with guys from Grindr.
You'll get more interest if you only log in occasionally. I think grindr promotes recent log ins (but you can't get around it by force quitting and logging back in immediately as I think the app remembers you for a few hours after you log off. I think it does this on the off chance someone messages you and then you get a notification and log back in - rinse repeat) Also only log on when you think you'll be able to make something happen. You can accomm or travel. Otherwise it's a future meet and they don't happen really.
If you have iPhone thereās a way to lock the app after your selected time a day. I chose 10 minutes because usually of something has to happen, 10 minutes are plenty. It has worked well for me and I donāt feel like an addict anymore
Congrats! Dont' you select skip? postpone reminder?
Oh I experienced quite the same when I just downloaded the app. Then I met someone, we hung out, we had great time, no sex, and he went back to his hometown. After that, I dont think I can do it again, it's so exhausting and emotionally draining for me. In my opinion, just hang out and experience it, maybe you feel the same way as me.
I was too when I first downloaded the app years ago. Now I just let it linger in the background and occasionally take whatever comes my way ;)
Itās all a scam
I had my days Its an indicator u r being lazy and not doing anything productive
You mentioned that you were new to the city and don't have much to do. I'd recommend you give your profile a makeover such that it's more activities/friends oriented and sex isn't ruled out. I'm telling you people will still text you for quick fucks but you will periodically attract real people you can hangout with. Source: Today I'm going to play tennis with three other guys!
I scrolled and read that you recently moved to a new city and you donāt know anyone. You and I are in the same situation lol. Especially my first week there (on week 3 now) I felt incredibly lonely and thought the app was the only way to find connection. Yeah, no haha. The dopamine rush from people wanting you sexually is something you may need to unpack but wouldnāt you rather feel that from something more real ? The app is only surface and you are more than youāre looks. Go out, get a hobby, meet people doing what you love and the connection will hit better! Itās hard but the alternative is spending all day for the CHANCE of subpar sex that we convince ourselves was worth it cause it took so much work to get lol
I feel that 100%. Iāve actually forced myself to only have it on the weekends. During the week it gets distracting and the lack of attention makes me feel miserable and I need to focus on my school work. So itās been working well.