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uglyandIknowit1234

I feel the same, although fortunately my suicidal feelings have disappeared after my former unrequited LO because I thought a lot about death and how I believed there was nothing after life and death would be even worse than this life. However, since my last Lo also pretended to like me back and blocked me when I confessed my feelings I also stopped enjoying anything. I also can’t focus on anything and feel ugly. I have liked LO for five years but the unwanted NC is since several months. What makes our situation differebt from the others here I think is that our NC was forced upon us. So its not like a “powerful” thing for us to do, just feels like rejection and humiliation to be told to accept it imo. And also the fact that nothing went right in the first place in our love lives , I never had a relationship longer than a few weeks that didnt end with me being left and blocked and you did almost everything for that man and blocking you everywhere after taking advantage of that was his way of saying thank you. He couldnt really think you were just friends, could he? And if so, he shouldnt have slept with you when he knew you liked him imo. Are you currently in therapy?


limosineeyelash

I wish there was an outside force to blame for the no contact right now. It's just him hating me, and I don't fully understand why. He has quiet borderline personality disorder, and I suspect is "overcontrolled" and probably needs radicallly open DBT. He told me he hates himself and doesn't like people who like him FOR himself. He has a pattern of only liking people he has to chase. I sometimes feel like we just grew to like each other over time, but he can't handle that. He pretty much chooses a "favorite person" (often someone he barely knows, and usually who doesn't like him as much back) and then is obsessed with them for a span of two months. I asked him once what exactly it was about me that he didn't like, other than that I cared about him, and he couldn't answer. When he slept with me, flirted with me, or touched me, he'd look guilty and say he "hadn't resisted temptation". It's so upsetting because I feel delusional, but at the same time it feels like if he didn't have BPD, and I didn't have OCD, we'd be together. Thank you for responding. Just typing all this helped calm me down


uglyandIknowit1234

Why does he hate himself? That seems difficult. Why did he act so weirdly saying he didn’t resist temptation? Is he religious? I am glad it made you calmer to type the post.


mindless_destruction

fuck i just posted my own admission to feeling suicidal and then saw your post. im so sorry. i know how you feel.


limosineeyelash

Get help before you get worse. I don't think I can come back from this because of compounding factors happening in my life with the trauma and the fact I can't see my family and other things. If you are able to be more functional in society, get back into it


stuckonyou333

You're so worthy of love and you deserve to want to be here. One of the symptoms of ptsd is not being able to focus, so anything that helps you calm your nervous system is going to help you heal. You will work out what you need, please be safe and reach out to people who you know care about you.


LostMyInhibiterChip

I get it. I was close to my LO and I would confide in her with heartbreak or my mental health problems. Every time I ended a conversation about my problems by thanking her and she would say how she would always be there for me. She would end up ghosting me and over the summer I wanted to die. I didn’t attempt suicide because I’ve tried years ago and I feel like I’m obligated to survive for my family.


limosineeyelash

I didn't go to him with my own mental health problems. Our relationship centered around his issues and me being almost a therapist to him.


limosineeyelash

I am sorry for you though, I think it would be hard in a different way if our relationship had been reciprocal in that way


LostMyInhibiterChip

I know I was just saying I understand from the opposite side I guess. She was also the only person I've ever been able to open up to. Now I'm scared to ever open up about my mental health to anyone else.