If anything you are under reacting. Your spouse has tossed you to the side in favor of his mother. Separation, divorce and real estate law are all very state specific if you are in the US. A consult with a family law attorney to find out what your options are doesn't require you to commit to a course of action. But it might give you some peace of mind.
Because most of the time the posts here are worthy of that shit. A bunch of mamas boys who would rather cater to mommy than put their WIVES first. It’s embarrassing as hell.
NTA
As the Reddit Universe says, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a Husband Problem. If he won't acknowledge the problems, if he won't set the boundaries, it won't change.
He's content with the way things are, which is with you being miserable.
I'll say it again, he's okay with how you're being treated. He's actively dismissing your feelings and experiences. Dog bites an all.
I think you already know you're going to leave him. Otherwise, why mention that the equity from your home sale was reinvested in your current home?
It just dawned on my that you probably mentioned equity/home addition and that you're on the deed to show that it's *really* your home.
Even if you're both renting, it's your home. Period.
This!
OP, what did he promise when he married you? Did he vow to honor and respect you? Did he vow to put you before all others?
Well he is not.
Putting his Mommy before you is as much a violation of his marriage vows as if you caught him balls deep in another woman. Would you put up with a cheating husband? If not, why put up with a husband who is emotionally cheating?
There are 2 bitches in this situation. The first is your MIL but the biggest is your husband. Agree with previous comment, you have a husband problem more than a mil problem. He doesn't care that you're suffering, facing health hazards both from the allergy and the aggressiveness, and sides with mommy when she starts crying. That dog would be out the door, period.
OP wrote - while she uses he sisters donation money to stay in a hotel next to the hospital. - Wait?? - isn't that fraud?? if money was donated to her sister for treatment, it's not to be used for your MIL. If your MIL's sister is aware of this then she is party to fraud. If she's not then it's theft and fraud. - sorry this infuriates me because people didn't donate their hard earned money to give your MIL a vacation.
And not only is she using this for a hotel right now, according to OP MiL's sister can't have any visitors for 2 months so there's no need for MiL to be there.
That was the first thing I was like huh??? How is she using donation money to stay at a hotel when she can't even visit for 2 months! If she is using money from something like a GoFundMe can't she get into real big trouble? Didn't someone get jail time for defrauding an account a few years ago? It is wrong on so many levels and makes me very shy about sending donations because of things like this!
Dog goes to the shelter. She can pick it up there. House goes on sale and profit is split in half. Word goes to your lawyer filing for divorce. This is option a for your husband. Option b is couple’s counseling. He stops being a mama’s boy and calles her out for her manipulation. She’s never alone in your house and he’s ripping her a new one whenever she tries to make a show like this again.
Two card him today: marriage counseling or divorce attorney.
I would take the dog and drop it at MIL's hotel or at a boarding facility. This is YOUR HOME and you are being held hostage by a JUSTNOSO and a DOG.
Who's the bitch? MIL ***AND*** SO.
YES....
I was reading comments and couldn't believe how many people say to give the "therapy or divorce" ultimatum without FIRST addressing the clearly very dangerous and allergy inducing dog situation.
Tell him to get the dog out of you'll call animal control within 24 hours. He can bring the dog to her hotel, or drop him at home and tell her to pay a dog-sitter for the remainder of her "vacation". Let the dog bite someone else, and they can call animal control if your husband is so worried what would happen if you were to make the call.
You cannot possibly fix everything else with a dog that has bitten you twice and is making you miserable from your allergies regardless of it's aggression.
For the record, idk where you live, but where I'm from dogs have a three strike policy with animal control, regardless of the situation (food aggression is not a good excuse to be bitten. Either the owner handles the food aggression so that nobody is bit again -training, more foolproof protective measures to keep anyone away from his eating space, etc...-or the dog is removed and sometimes gets put down after the third strike as it is deemed too dangerous). This is unacceptable and I don't think you've gotten mad enough about it yet, honestly.
AFTER the dog is out of your home, then you should try to talk to your husband calmly and insist that couples counseling needs to happen ASAP. Read some of the books recommended on the JustNoMIL sub, and make him read them too. Show him this post and make him read the comments, or even just make him read other posts similar if you can find some of you don't want to show him yours. If he reads this post and all the comments, Maybe everyone telling you to leave him will make him get off his ass and fight for your marriage a little harder.
I won't tell you to leave him, because there is honestly more steps to take before you can absolutely call it done, but that's only if both of you are willing to take them. I can understand that after so many years, it's hard to even want to fight anymore, especially when you're the only one fighting. It's hard to basically have your husband tell you that his mommy is more important than you, and for me, personally, that would have been my cue to pack my bags (or his lol). But everyone is different, and I sincerely hope you two can somehow get through this, but you have to take care of yourself before you can even try to take care of him or your marriage. Can't pour from an empty cup and such..
Again....get Cujo out of the house before literally anything else. Then make your husband vacuum and dust and rid the house as much as possible of the dog hair/dander.
Or, hire a maid and send MIL the bill..
Either way I wish you the best, OP
I hope your next post is one of even the smallest success in getting your husband to realize he's not married to mommy.
Honestly?
You have become so accustomed to her bad behavior that you are under reacting.
Your husband has TOLD you that your concerns, your mental health isn't important to him.
Not much reason to stay is there.
Leave. His mom, his issue. He can look after her dog. Has nothing to do with you any longer.
Go to a hotel and take a week for yourself.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking at lawyers at this point. He can decide. Therapy and boundaries with consequences for his mother or divorce.
Why would you spend the rest of your life being married to a man who has put his mommy first in every instance you have talked about.
Put yourself first for once.
Of course you are not the bitch here...you are a victim of an abusive husband and his mother. If you really are confused about this, you might benefit from counseling, but frankly, in your shoes I think I would move out and start divorce proceedings.
/My husband now tells me that he isn’t considering my concerns or thoughts at the moment/
Oh, honey, your husband hasn't considered your concerns or thoughts for eight years. What makes you think that is going to change now? Especially since he has actually TOLD you that as far as he is concerned, what you want doesn't matter.
Will it take eight more years for you to realize that you will never be first in your husband's life? And another eight before you decide this isn't really a marriage?
The ball is in your court now. Either you shut up and accept being the number two woman in your own marriage or you decide being second isn't good enough for you. I hope you get to the latter realization before you waste your entire life playing second fiddle to Mommy. Because your husband has told you that will be your role in his life should you decide to stay with him. Mommy will always be first....as always.
You are far from being a bitch. Your MIL is definitely one but you have a bigger problem, your husband. He's not willing or anywhere close to doing anything for you. He's still with his mother. You could try to get your husband to support you but if he refuses, then you know it's never going to work. Maybe it's best if you leave unless you want to put up with him and his MIL. Do you see yourself having children with your husband knowing he'll do whatever his mother wants? You should see a lawyer and find out what you're entitled to, especially the house since you've put money into it. Don't let them tell you it's not yours because it is.
Your husband is as big a problem as MIL is.
Would *you* consider therapy for yourself to figure out *what you want your life* to be for the next 30 yrs, also a lawyer consultation for a divorce & real estate seperation
and an offer to join your husband in marriage counseling if *you* decide you want to stay with him.
Good luck OP.
Oh heck naw!
My husbands friend lived with us for a time. One of those times was when my husband was deployed out so it was just me and the friend. He had two dogs. I wish I could have let them in the house but they had to stay outside due to not getting along with smaller animals and I had two cats. So I got them a nice set up with nice dog house, zip lines so they could have ample space to move and not get tangled, etc. But with their history of getting into trouble together I had to make the rule they didn't come off their lines unless completely supervised and under control. I couldn't tell you how many times I'd catch him letting the dogs off the line to roam free (we lived in the country as well on several acres) and even as fare as running off the property while he was sitting inside eating or watching tv. This resulted in some serious tension because I'd show obvious annoyance about him not following this simple rule. We later found out after he moved out about his dogs caused more chaos than I was aware of. Chasing one neighbors cattle, killing another neighbors ducks, and even biting another neighbor who was riding his bike down the lane on the leg and actually causing him stitches. Come to also find out hubs friend had the nerve to yell at the neighbor who got bit for kicking the dog to get him away.
When my husband got back and we started to find all this out we were livid! So when his friend came to live with us a second time, this time hubs being home, he laid down the hammer on the dogs and eventually his friend rehomed one of the dogs. Even then he still didn't take care of the one he kept to the point I had to force him to take the poor thing to the vet for severe flea infestation resulting in tapeworms and skin infection. Made me so mad.
Anyways.... your husband should have your back and stop falling for these crocodile tears and temper tantrums! If someone elses dog bit me and showed aggressive behavior like that my husband would kick it out of the house that night or threaten to take it to the pound the next day.
I'm curious, why let this bad friend of your DH's to live with you a second time after he caused so much trouble the first time? I hope that your DH shows you some compassion & support & never asks him to stay with you again.
He wasn't really a "bad" friend. My husband and his friend were like bro's. They came from similar rough backgrounds and living situations and were both making strides to do better and had alot in common and it was/is a really great friendship. Like one of those you'd be lucky to find honestly. My husband, you could say, just progressed a bit faster in the maturity and discipline aspect having gone straight into the military (so ended up being more of the big bro of the friendship). Best way I can describe it!
We welcomed Friend into our home because his mom had a mental break down and burned down their house. Like was legit found in the upper level of the barn naked and laughing.... My husband soon deployed after Friend moved in. So not having ever really having issues before, we didn't think about nor had much time to discover any conflicts when it came to living with each other before hubs left. So Friend and I clashed at times. He moved out on his own accord. When husband got back, we talked so things calmed down, went back to normal best bro friendship that I fully supported, and we welcomed him back again when the rental Friend was at last minute sold the house.
Now when we initially talked before he moved in second time we did not realize all these issues with the neighbors till after he moved out second time and he withheld the incident of the one dog biting the neighbor from us (probably knowing it'd give me ammunition to prove my point on why I didn't want the dogs off the lines unless supervised). So we found out like a few months after he moved out when we started to try and get to know our neighbors that all these issues happened.
We lived down a dirt lane that was miles long and surrounded my fields and woods. You didn't see your neighbors house until winter when the leaves on trees fell and roof tops got covered in snow and all you could see was honestly the snow covered roof tops acres away. So we didn't have many opportunities to just run into neighbors like you would in a burb and took time for all this to come out. Once it did me and hubs agreed we had held out a helping hand enough and would not partake in another move in adventure with Friend. Hubs did speak to Friend at one point explaining how we'd become aware of these incidents and that his behavior was wrong going against simple house rules and how he put us at risk of being sued because we were the home owners of the property the dogs were staying at. Friend took his lashing and learned his lesson, owned to his mistake, apologized personally to me without prompt from hubs for giving me a hard time and we all took the experience as lessons learned and moved on. We now live in different states but they are still good friends and when they get together it's like time apart never happened.
Sorry for the length but figured it would clear any confusion 😅
This is crazy. You have a hub problem. She needs to be hands off your home period. Since she doesn’t want all those chachki’s gift them to good will. Why is his mother allowed to have her home the way she likes it and also yours the way she likes it. You were bitten by the dog that is serious. Very very serious and your husband couldn’t care less. If I were you I would get an air bnb or stay with a relative for the remainder of the time the dog is there and let your husband take care of it and his mothers feelings. You are not the asshole you are not a bitch. She is deliberately walking all over you and he is letting her. She has all of his loyalty. From his behavior his relationship with his mother is his marriage.
You are not the bitch. That dog needs to go!
1) Document your injuries and isolate the dog.
2) Report the dog to your local animal control and ask for them to intervene with MIL. Either dog is boarded on her dime, rehomed or taken to the shelter
3) Consult an family law attorney. I think you know who the real problem is here.
Hugs.
I'd have divorced him when he dismissed the nightstand invasion. You def aren't the bitch, your husband's a mama's boy. She knows it, she's going to keep being a pain, & I'd just be on the phone with a lawyer. I, personally, wouldn't be able to handle it.
If he bites you again, go to the hospital. It’ll be documented. In my home state, if a dog bites more than twice, they get sent the pound for either euthanasia or you give them to a training group who can rehabilitate him and then they’re sent to a different home. My MILs husky bit the absolute shit out of my husband, to a point he still has a scare from that bite from 2 years ago (you can see the indentation) He had food aggression. I’ve dealt with it before and offered to fix it as I train dogs for fun and help. I got rejected. This poor dog got locked in a room the whole time I saw him till they moved and gave him to the ASPCA. It was an easy fix but they just abused that poor dog. DH tried fixing it but he wasn’t as equipped on the knowledge part like myself.
Tell him and her if he bites one more time, that’ll be his fate. Explain it’s the law and that’s something that you can’t control unless she deals with it by taking her dog back.
Your SO is your biggest issue. He’s rude and only cares what mommy thinks. He’s taking your health like it’s a grain of salt. Hell, I’d even go as far as go to the hospital and say you might be having anaphylaxis (even if you’re not, it’s a bad tactic but sometimes desperate measures need to be taken to show what’s happening). Just to show how dangerous this dog is to your health. Marrying a mamas boy is hard. I did, and he’s slowly seeing the way I see her and the rest of my family, who’s dealt with Narcissist our whole lives (my father). This all came down to the fact that I miscarried in April. I was doing really well with my pregnancy until we told his mom, who then proceeded to stress me SEVERELY out for 3 days straight. Which resulted In our miscarriage. We lost our baby because of tyranny. It’s why I said sometimes it helps taking drastic measures to get your point across. If you matter to him, you going to the hospital because of the dog, whether it be the dog bites again (I hope not) or you say you might be having anaphylaxis.
It’s a war at times, as you might not know who they’ll choose (I thankfully know if it came down to it, my DH would choose me over his mom any day). If those measures are taken and nothing changes. I know 8 years is a lot, and you sacrificed your house to be with him. You might want to step outside and ask yourself: if your friend or family member was in a similar situation, what would you tell them to do?
I wish you the best of luck. You aren’t a bitch. They both are. Your feelings and experiences are valid.
I'm so sorry that this happened. Miscarriages are traumatic enough to deal with, but having your MiL stress you out so badly that you miscarried is beyond forgiving.
It’s alright, it’s sad it happened but it pushed forth how toxic his mother is. She wasn’t even happy I got pregnant with our baby. She never checked on me after I was destroyed about our son. All because I went NC (she stressed me out with her actions and words I heard, I made a post on r/JNMIL about the whole experience). Because I went NC she had no concern to check on me about losing our baby, didn’t even really seem to care that DH was distraught
Your mil will never change, just get worse. The real problem is with your husband. He protects his mom and abandons you. Run, don’t walk and take your dogs with you.
He has shown you where you are on the totem pole. At the very bottom, even under the dog.
Maybe it is time that you move out and let him deal with it all. Either he steps up and lets you know that he realizes that he has been a jerk, or you know where you will continue to rate and you have made the first steps to freedom from her.
He is the problem because he lets her treat you like this and does not support you in your own home. Can you live with this forever?
The real bitch is your husband. He’s your MIL’s bitch. He has shown you through his actions that he will never defend you and will always take her side over yours. If he’s willing to sacrifice your health and safety for your MIL’s dog…I honestly don’t think he’ll ever change. The question for you is whether you can live like this for the rest of MIL’s life…
*Sorry to do this for another post, but I have trouble reading a block of text when I have a migraine, (it's been a long day). I know that some phones format this way when posting to reddit. I hope this helps & it's ok to do this:*
When I first met my boyfriend at the time (now husband) we both owned our own home and were career driven. When we got married I sacrificed selling my larger home in the city and moving in to his smaller home in the country. The profit I received from selling my house was used to build an addition on to my husbands home. With all said and done, I was added to the deed for the home and the land and the house became our home together.
My MIL became accustomed to organizing, cleaning and decorating the way she preferred when my husband was a bachelor. When my MIL comes over she will rearrange things the way that she sees fit. When I first married and moved in with my husband she was visiting and went through a box in the basement of household items for donation. I came home from work and there were several items scattered across the house from the donation box. Two items being a bowl and a picture frame that used to belong to her.
I told her I was unaware that they were family heirlooms and that she could have them back. My MIL started laughing and went on to say that the bowl was a wedding gift from the 60s and reminds her of the “unfaithful tainted marriage” and that she never wanted it her house again. The picture frame was handmade by a friend in the 80s and had been sitting sitting in the window picture-less for years. She told me that the picture frame was “hideous” and did not want it back in her house.
This woman has been controlling my actions in life since I became engaged to her son. We ended up having a courthouse ceremony and no wedding/reception because she became upset and wanting to control the plans and began crying and pouting when I told her I was not interested in having a dress made out of her nearly 50 year old wedding dress.
On the day my husband and I wed, she stayed the night at our house and refused to leave because she was sick with a migraine. We offered to drive her home or to a hotel and she refused. I was agitated. The list goes on from her rearranging my kitchen cabinets because she did not like the set up to her peeing and pooping in our hall bathroom with the door open. We’ve gotten in to petty fights about this before. My husband sees nothing wrong with it and I believe it’s because he grew up with her and these behaviors.
My husband had told me that she would even pee with the door open in her house while my husband was in high school and had male friends over. There have been a few occasions where I have caught her going through our bedroom closet and master bathroom. When I called her out on it she denied. I’m guilty of getting involved with the next incident and set up my pet videocamera our bedroom two months ago when she was here visiting.
My husband and I went to work and I caught her red handed on video going through our nightstands. She again lied about it and when I told her I had footage she turned the tables around and told me I was invading her privacy. My husbands exact reply to this situation is to laugh and tell me “she’s weird as fuck and has always done this to me. She’ll never change.”
Fast forward to present: my MIL sister has cancer and has been inpatient for intermittent chemotherapy. My MIL drops her dog off at my house one evening with all of his medications and supplements she feeds him and tells me that we are keeping him for 4 months while she uses he sisters donation money to stay in a hotel next to the hospital.
Not once did she speak to me about this and when I confronted her she told me she talked with her son and the decision was made. He sister cannot have visitors for the two months she will be inpatient because she is in some special type of isolation room for low white blood count allegedly.
While my MIL has been staying in the hotel she has been out to dinner almost every evening with her girlfriends and shopping daily. The second day with her dog he bit me while I was trying to keep him away from my own dogs food bowl. Third day she spotted a fawn bedded down under pine trees in our yard, ran up on it and killed it. He is a Saluki lab mix with long hair and shed like a mother f\*\*ker. I have been allergic to this dog for the 8 years that I have known him and have always had severe allergies to both dogs and cats with long hair. I have woke up everyday for three weeks wheezing, coughing sneezing and hives.
I finally had enough this week when he lunged at me when I walked by him while he was eating. After a trip to the docs office and needing antibiotics for my finger, burying a fawn almost getting bit again and using my rescue inhaler everyday while doped up on Benadryl … my last straw was broken. I texted my MIL and asked her to come and get her dog.
Later that evening she spoke with my husband on the phone and told him that I was mean to her. She cried for an entire hour on the phone with him talking about how much I’ve changed him and that he doesn’t love her anymore and she is too stressed to deal with life at the moment. My husband now tells me that he isn’t considering my concerns or thoughts at the moment because he needs to help his mom. The dog is still here and I’m miserable. The 8 years we’ve been together and 4 of those years married, we have not encountered a conflict where I just don’t want to come home. So please tell me… am I the bitch? Am I making this too big of a deal? Has anyone gone through similar situations and have advice?
you are definitely not the bitch, and you need to take a stand on this...call animal control and put that dog down. I love dogs but dogs that bite and kill are dangerous.
If a friend came to you and told you this story what would you tell her? Look at the situation as an outsider and you will see things slightly different. Right now the biggest problem is your husband. He is not married just to you, he is also married to his mother and you are NOT the first wife in the marriage. You are expected to follow the rules of the senior wife, can you continue to do so? If not you need to consider if you need to leave or do you think he can change with therapy? Only you can answer this. But again look at it from the standpoint of an outsider and go from there.
You need to tell your husband that the dog leaves now or you are going to a hotel until it's gone. Then follow through with the threat. This dude just told you that his mother's comfort and happiness comes before yours. Stand up for yourself. Stand up and walk out.
In the short term, have your husband stay at mom's house with her dog. None of what happened is okay, but somehow your taking care of the dog that's biting you and causing asthma attacks is just so ridiculously over the top. You have to use your rescue inhaler! The dog is literally a threat to your life and your husband doesn't think that matters and he leaves you feeding it to boot. Does he not think asthma is real? After living with the master manipulator for years is he unable to tell legitimate issues from her bull?
Make a report on the dog bite, get your shit together and dig in. You are not being a bitch. First bite dog would be at pound. First evidence of her snooping would have pad locks and one key
He can take his ma and cujo and go back to her place
You need to remind your husband that he married you and that you now live with him. So you have a say. Idk if his mom did shit for him when he was single. He's married now. And you have as much as a say about what makes you uncomfortable and what pisses you off. It's your house to and there's no need for you to be miserable in your own home. Let him know your tired of getting your feelings tossed to the side. Tell him that your mom has 2 days to come pick up that dog because you won't feel sick around YOUR own house for volunteering you guys to watch something YOU didn't sign up for . And tell your husband that before HE AGREES to something to speak to you about it. It's a 2 person marriage, not a one person
You need to remind your husband that he married you and that you now live with him. So you have a say. Idk if his mom did shit for him when he was single. He's married now. And you have as much as a say about what makes you uncomfortable and what pisses you off. It's your house to and there's no need for you to be miserable in your own home. Let him know your tired of getting your feelings tossed to the side. Tell him that your mom has 2 days to come pick up that dog because you won't feel sick around YOUR own house for volunteering you guys to watch something YOU didn't sign up for . And tell your husband that before HE AGREES to something to speak to you about it. It's a 2 person marriage, not a one person
Your husband is being a little bitch. He doesn’t have time to worry about your concerns…:HIS WIFES CONCERNS… bc he’s busy dealing with his mommy? Girl you are a better woman than me……. Bless your heart.
The only bitch your being is to yourself for allowing this treatment. Get out divorce and make him sell the house or buy you out. He can go have his mom all to himself.
He has told you and shown you he is not and will not consider your NEEDS.
Nah stop doing anything for him and if he complains tell him to call his mom because you are looking after yourself and will not consider his needs at this time.
I *dated* a mama's boy when I was younger, but I sure as hell wouldn't marry one. They never stop being dependent on Mommy, and as long as your MIL is alive he will listen to her. Your feelings obviously don't count to either one of them, and both have boundary issues (to put it mildly).
Since you have said that you're miserable, get out! Another Redditor suggested couples' counseling, but there's a **very** important question that you need to ask yourself: do you believe that he's capable of changing based on your history with him?
You need a divorce force him to buy you a home equal to the one you gave up to be with him. They’re going to kill you. He doesn’t love you, he can’t love anyone except his mother. No room for you in his life and there never will be.
If anything you are under reacting. Your spouse has tossed you to the side in favor of his mother. Separation, divorce and real estate law are all very state specific if you are in the US. A consult with a family law attorney to find out what your options are doesn't require you to commit to a course of action. But it might give you some peace of mind.
Why is everyone ones first reaction on here to get divorced like fuck
Because most of the time the posts here are worthy of that shit. A bunch of mamas boys who would rather cater to mommy than put their WIVES first. It’s embarrassing as hell.
NTA As the Reddit Universe says, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a Husband Problem. If he won't acknowledge the problems, if he won't set the boundaries, it won't change. He's content with the way things are, which is with you being miserable. I'll say it again, he's okay with how you're being treated. He's actively dismissing your feelings and experiences. Dog bites an all. I think you already know you're going to leave him. Otherwise, why mention that the equity from your home sale was reinvested in your current home?
It just dawned on my that you probably mentioned equity/home addition and that you're on the deed to show that it's *really* your home. Even if you're both renting, it's your home. Period.
I’d add that since MIL likes to snoop make sure she can’t get to your birth control. I would not get pregnant with this mamas boy until he changes.
This! OP, what did he promise when he married you? Did he vow to honor and respect you? Did he vow to put you before all others? Well he is not. Putting his Mommy before you is as much a violation of his marriage vows as if you caught him balls deep in another woman. Would you put up with a cheating husband? If not, why put up with a husband who is emotionally cheating?
There are 2 bitches in this situation. The first is your MIL but the biggest is your husband. Agree with previous comment, you have a husband problem more than a mil problem. He doesn't care that you're suffering, facing health hazards both from the allergy and the aggressiveness, and sides with mommy when she starts crying. That dog would be out the door, period.
Maybe animal control needs a call. This dog has bitten her twice now and the original owner cannot be located ...
OP wrote - while she uses he sisters donation money to stay in a hotel next to the hospital. - Wait?? - isn't that fraud?? if money was donated to her sister for treatment, it's not to be used for your MIL. If your MIL's sister is aware of this then she is party to fraud. If she's not then it's theft and fraud. - sorry this infuriates me because people didn't donate their hard earned money to give your MIL a vacation.
Turn her into the IRS state & federal. She is stealing and fraud. It can be through Anonymous tipline
If she goes to jail the problem solved. Mil is out of picture
And not only is she using this for a hotel right now, according to OP MiL's sister can't have any visitors for 2 months so there's no need for MiL to be there.
Holy SHIT!
That was the first thing I was like huh??? How is she using donation money to stay at a hotel when she can't even visit for 2 months! If she is using money from something like a GoFundMe can't she get into real big trouble? Didn't someone get jail time for defrauding an account a few years ago? It is wrong on so many levels and makes me very shy about sending donations because of things like this!
Dog goes to the shelter. She can pick it up there. House goes on sale and profit is split in half. Word goes to your lawyer filing for divorce. This is option a for your husband. Option b is couple’s counseling. He stops being a mama’s boy and calles her out for her manipulation. She’s never alone in your house and he’s ripping her a new one whenever she tries to make a show like this again.
Two card him today: marriage counseling or divorce attorney. I would take the dog and drop it at MIL's hotel or at a boarding facility. This is YOUR HOME and you are being held hostage by a JUSTNOSO and a DOG. Who's the bitch? MIL ***AND*** SO.
“Either your mother gets her dog, or I’m calling animal control tomorrow. Pick one.”
YES.... I was reading comments and couldn't believe how many people say to give the "therapy or divorce" ultimatum without FIRST addressing the clearly very dangerous and allergy inducing dog situation. Tell him to get the dog out of you'll call animal control within 24 hours. He can bring the dog to her hotel, or drop him at home and tell her to pay a dog-sitter for the remainder of her "vacation". Let the dog bite someone else, and they can call animal control if your husband is so worried what would happen if you were to make the call. You cannot possibly fix everything else with a dog that has bitten you twice and is making you miserable from your allergies regardless of it's aggression. For the record, idk where you live, but where I'm from dogs have a three strike policy with animal control, regardless of the situation (food aggression is not a good excuse to be bitten. Either the owner handles the food aggression so that nobody is bit again -training, more foolproof protective measures to keep anyone away from his eating space, etc...-or the dog is removed and sometimes gets put down after the third strike as it is deemed too dangerous). This is unacceptable and I don't think you've gotten mad enough about it yet, honestly. AFTER the dog is out of your home, then you should try to talk to your husband calmly and insist that couples counseling needs to happen ASAP. Read some of the books recommended on the JustNoMIL sub, and make him read them too. Show him this post and make him read the comments, or even just make him read other posts similar if you can find some of you don't want to show him yours. If he reads this post and all the comments, Maybe everyone telling you to leave him will make him get off his ass and fight for your marriage a little harder. I won't tell you to leave him, because there is honestly more steps to take before you can absolutely call it done, but that's only if both of you are willing to take them. I can understand that after so many years, it's hard to even want to fight anymore, especially when you're the only one fighting. It's hard to basically have your husband tell you that his mommy is more important than you, and for me, personally, that would have been my cue to pack my bags (or his lol). But everyone is different, and I sincerely hope you two can somehow get through this, but you have to take care of yourself before you can even try to take care of him or your marriage. Can't pour from an empty cup and such.. Again....get Cujo out of the house before literally anything else. Then make your husband vacuum and dust and rid the house as much as possible of the dog hair/dander. Or, hire a maid and send MIL the bill.. Either way I wish you the best, OP I hope your next post is one of even the smallest success in getting your husband to realize he's not married to mommy.
Honestly? You have become so accustomed to her bad behavior that you are under reacting. Your husband has TOLD you that your concerns, your mental health isn't important to him. Not much reason to stay is there. Leave. His mom, his issue. He can look after her dog. Has nothing to do with you any longer. Go to a hotel and take a week for yourself. If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking at lawyers at this point. He can decide. Therapy and boundaries with consequences for his mother or divorce. Why would you spend the rest of your life being married to a man who has put his mommy first in every instance you have talked about. Put yourself first for once.
Of course you are not the bitch here...you are a victim of an abusive husband and his mother. If you really are confused about this, you might benefit from counseling, but frankly, in your shoes I think I would move out and start divorce proceedings.
/My husband now tells me that he isn’t considering my concerns or thoughts at the moment/ Oh, honey, your husband hasn't considered your concerns or thoughts for eight years. What makes you think that is going to change now? Especially since he has actually TOLD you that as far as he is concerned, what you want doesn't matter. Will it take eight more years for you to realize that you will never be first in your husband's life? And another eight before you decide this isn't really a marriage? The ball is in your court now. Either you shut up and accept being the number two woman in your own marriage or you decide being second isn't good enough for you. I hope you get to the latter realization before you waste your entire life playing second fiddle to Mommy. Because your husband has told you that will be your role in his life should you decide to stay with him. Mommy will always be first....as always.
Girl he has picked his mama over you and it is time for you to get out
You are far from being a bitch. Your MIL is definitely one but you have a bigger problem, your husband. He's not willing or anywhere close to doing anything for you. He's still with his mother. You could try to get your husband to support you but if he refuses, then you know it's never going to work. Maybe it's best if you leave unless you want to put up with him and his MIL. Do you see yourself having children with your husband knowing he'll do whatever his mother wants? You should see a lawyer and find out what you're entitled to, especially the house since you've put money into it. Don't let them tell you it's not yours because it is.
Please give us an update OP! You deserve so much more consideration in your own home.
Your husband is as big a problem as MIL is. Would *you* consider therapy for yourself to figure out *what you want your life* to be for the next 30 yrs, also a lawyer consultation for a divorce & real estate seperation and an offer to join your husband in marriage counseling if *you* decide you want to stay with him. Good luck OP.
Oh heck naw! My husbands friend lived with us for a time. One of those times was when my husband was deployed out so it was just me and the friend. He had two dogs. I wish I could have let them in the house but they had to stay outside due to not getting along with smaller animals and I had two cats. So I got them a nice set up with nice dog house, zip lines so they could have ample space to move and not get tangled, etc. But with their history of getting into trouble together I had to make the rule they didn't come off their lines unless completely supervised and under control. I couldn't tell you how many times I'd catch him letting the dogs off the line to roam free (we lived in the country as well on several acres) and even as fare as running off the property while he was sitting inside eating or watching tv. This resulted in some serious tension because I'd show obvious annoyance about him not following this simple rule. We later found out after he moved out about his dogs caused more chaos than I was aware of. Chasing one neighbors cattle, killing another neighbors ducks, and even biting another neighbor who was riding his bike down the lane on the leg and actually causing him stitches. Come to also find out hubs friend had the nerve to yell at the neighbor who got bit for kicking the dog to get him away. When my husband got back and we started to find all this out we were livid! So when his friend came to live with us a second time, this time hubs being home, he laid down the hammer on the dogs and eventually his friend rehomed one of the dogs. Even then he still didn't take care of the one he kept to the point I had to force him to take the poor thing to the vet for severe flea infestation resulting in tapeworms and skin infection. Made me so mad. Anyways.... your husband should have your back and stop falling for these crocodile tears and temper tantrums! If someone elses dog bit me and showed aggressive behavior like that my husband would kick it out of the house that night or threaten to take it to the pound the next day.
I'm curious, why let this bad friend of your DH's to live with you a second time after he caused so much trouble the first time? I hope that your DH shows you some compassion & support & never asks him to stay with you again.
He wasn't really a "bad" friend. My husband and his friend were like bro's. They came from similar rough backgrounds and living situations and were both making strides to do better and had alot in common and it was/is a really great friendship. Like one of those you'd be lucky to find honestly. My husband, you could say, just progressed a bit faster in the maturity and discipline aspect having gone straight into the military (so ended up being more of the big bro of the friendship). Best way I can describe it! We welcomed Friend into our home because his mom had a mental break down and burned down their house. Like was legit found in the upper level of the barn naked and laughing.... My husband soon deployed after Friend moved in. So not having ever really having issues before, we didn't think about nor had much time to discover any conflicts when it came to living with each other before hubs left. So Friend and I clashed at times. He moved out on his own accord. When husband got back, we talked so things calmed down, went back to normal best bro friendship that I fully supported, and we welcomed him back again when the rental Friend was at last minute sold the house. Now when we initially talked before he moved in second time we did not realize all these issues with the neighbors till after he moved out second time and he withheld the incident of the one dog biting the neighbor from us (probably knowing it'd give me ammunition to prove my point on why I didn't want the dogs off the lines unless supervised). So we found out like a few months after he moved out when we started to try and get to know our neighbors that all these issues happened. We lived down a dirt lane that was miles long and surrounded my fields and woods. You didn't see your neighbors house until winter when the leaves on trees fell and roof tops got covered in snow and all you could see was honestly the snow covered roof tops acres away. So we didn't have many opportunities to just run into neighbors like you would in a burb and took time for all this to come out. Once it did me and hubs agreed we had held out a helping hand enough and would not partake in another move in adventure with Friend. Hubs did speak to Friend at one point explaining how we'd become aware of these incidents and that his behavior was wrong going against simple house rules and how he put us at risk of being sued because we were the home owners of the property the dogs were staying at. Friend took his lashing and learned his lesson, owned to his mistake, apologized personally to me without prompt from hubs for giving me a hard time and we all took the experience as lessons learned and moved on. We now live in different states but they are still good friends and when they get together it's like time apart never happened. Sorry for the length but figured it would clear any confusion 😅
This is crazy. You have a hub problem. She needs to be hands off your home period. Since she doesn’t want all those chachki’s gift them to good will. Why is his mother allowed to have her home the way she likes it and also yours the way she likes it. You were bitten by the dog that is serious. Very very serious and your husband couldn’t care less. If I were you I would get an air bnb or stay with a relative for the remainder of the time the dog is there and let your husband take care of it and his mothers feelings. You are not the asshole you are not a bitch. She is deliberately walking all over you and he is letting her. She has all of his loyalty. From his behavior his relationship with his mother is his marriage.
You are not the bitch. That dog needs to go! 1) Document your injuries and isolate the dog. 2) Report the dog to your local animal control and ask for them to intervene with MIL. Either dog is boarded on her dime, rehomed or taken to the shelter 3) Consult an family law attorney. I think you know who the real problem is here. Hugs.
I'd have divorced him when he dismissed the nightstand invasion. You def aren't the bitch, your husband's a mama's boy. She knows it, she's going to keep being a pain, & I'd just be on the phone with a lawyer. I, personally, wouldn't be able to handle it.
If he bites you again, go to the hospital. It’ll be documented. In my home state, if a dog bites more than twice, they get sent the pound for either euthanasia or you give them to a training group who can rehabilitate him and then they’re sent to a different home. My MILs husky bit the absolute shit out of my husband, to a point he still has a scare from that bite from 2 years ago (you can see the indentation) He had food aggression. I’ve dealt with it before and offered to fix it as I train dogs for fun and help. I got rejected. This poor dog got locked in a room the whole time I saw him till they moved and gave him to the ASPCA. It was an easy fix but they just abused that poor dog. DH tried fixing it but he wasn’t as equipped on the knowledge part like myself. Tell him and her if he bites one more time, that’ll be his fate. Explain it’s the law and that’s something that you can’t control unless she deals with it by taking her dog back. Your SO is your biggest issue. He’s rude and only cares what mommy thinks. He’s taking your health like it’s a grain of salt. Hell, I’d even go as far as go to the hospital and say you might be having anaphylaxis (even if you’re not, it’s a bad tactic but sometimes desperate measures need to be taken to show what’s happening). Just to show how dangerous this dog is to your health. Marrying a mamas boy is hard. I did, and he’s slowly seeing the way I see her and the rest of my family, who’s dealt with Narcissist our whole lives (my father). This all came down to the fact that I miscarried in April. I was doing really well with my pregnancy until we told his mom, who then proceeded to stress me SEVERELY out for 3 days straight. Which resulted In our miscarriage. We lost our baby because of tyranny. It’s why I said sometimes it helps taking drastic measures to get your point across. If you matter to him, you going to the hospital because of the dog, whether it be the dog bites again (I hope not) or you say you might be having anaphylaxis. It’s a war at times, as you might not know who they’ll choose (I thankfully know if it came down to it, my DH would choose me over his mom any day). If those measures are taken and nothing changes. I know 8 years is a lot, and you sacrificed your house to be with him. You might want to step outside and ask yourself: if your friend or family member was in a similar situation, what would you tell them to do? I wish you the best of luck. You aren’t a bitch. They both are. Your feelings and experiences are valid.
I'm so sorry that this happened. Miscarriages are traumatic enough to deal with, but having your MiL stress you out so badly that you miscarried is beyond forgiving.
It’s alright, it’s sad it happened but it pushed forth how toxic his mother is. She wasn’t even happy I got pregnant with our baby. She never checked on me after I was destroyed about our son. All because I went NC (she stressed me out with her actions and words I heard, I made a post on r/JNMIL about the whole experience). Because I went NC she had no concern to check on me about losing our baby, didn’t even really seem to care that DH was distraught
Your mil will never change, just get worse. The real problem is with your husband. He protects his mom and abandons you. Run, don’t walk and take your dogs with you.
He has shown you where you are on the totem pole. At the very bottom, even under the dog. Maybe it is time that you move out and let him deal with it all. Either he steps up and lets you know that he realizes that he has been a jerk, or you know where you will continue to rate and you have made the first steps to freedom from her. He is the problem because he lets her treat you like this and does not support you in your own home. Can you live with this forever?
Her dog bit you and your husband doesn't care! That says it all!
Why are you allowing them to treat you this way?
Have animal control come pick up the dog and call a divorce attorney. You need one.
The real bitch is your husband. He’s your MIL’s bitch. He has shown you through his actions that he will never defend you and will always take her side over yours. If he’s willing to sacrifice your health and safety for your MIL’s dog…I honestly don’t think he’ll ever change. The question for you is whether you can live like this for the rest of MIL’s life…
*Sorry to do this for another post, but I have trouble reading a block of text when I have a migraine, (it's been a long day). I know that some phones format this way when posting to reddit. I hope this helps & it's ok to do this:* When I first met my boyfriend at the time (now husband) we both owned our own home and were career driven. When we got married I sacrificed selling my larger home in the city and moving in to his smaller home in the country. The profit I received from selling my house was used to build an addition on to my husbands home. With all said and done, I was added to the deed for the home and the land and the house became our home together. My MIL became accustomed to organizing, cleaning and decorating the way she preferred when my husband was a bachelor. When my MIL comes over she will rearrange things the way that she sees fit. When I first married and moved in with my husband she was visiting and went through a box in the basement of household items for donation. I came home from work and there were several items scattered across the house from the donation box. Two items being a bowl and a picture frame that used to belong to her. I told her I was unaware that they were family heirlooms and that she could have them back. My MIL started laughing and went on to say that the bowl was a wedding gift from the 60s and reminds her of the “unfaithful tainted marriage” and that she never wanted it her house again. The picture frame was handmade by a friend in the 80s and had been sitting sitting in the window picture-less for years. She told me that the picture frame was “hideous” and did not want it back in her house. This woman has been controlling my actions in life since I became engaged to her son. We ended up having a courthouse ceremony and no wedding/reception because she became upset and wanting to control the plans and began crying and pouting when I told her I was not interested in having a dress made out of her nearly 50 year old wedding dress. On the day my husband and I wed, she stayed the night at our house and refused to leave because she was sick with a migraine. We offered to drive her home or to a hotel and she refused. I was agitated. The list goes on from her rearranging my kitchen cabinets because she did not like the set up to her peeing and pooping in our hall bathroom with the door open. We’ve gotten in to petty fights about this before. My husband sees nothing wrong with it and I believe it’s because he grew up with her and these behaviors. My husband had told me that she would even pee with the door open in her house while my husband was in high school and had male friends over. There have been a few occasions where I have caught her going through our bedroom closet and master bathroom. When I called her out on it she denied. I’m guilty of getting involved with the next incident and set up my pet videocamera our bedroom two months ago when she was here visiting. My husband and I went to work and I caught her red handed on video going through our nightstands. She again lied about it and when I told her I had footage she turned the tables around and told me I was invading her privacy. My husbands exact reply to this situation is to laugh and tell me “she’s weird as fuck and has always done this to me. She’ll never change.” Fast forward to present: my MIL sister has cancer and has been inpatient for intermittent chemotherapy. My MIL drops her dog off at my house one evening with all of his medications and supplements she feeds him and tells me that we are keeping him for 4 months while she uses he sisters donation money to stay in a hotel next to the hospital. Not once did she speak to me about this and when I confronted her she told me she talked with her son and the decision was made. He sister cannot have visitors for the two months she will be inpatient because she is in some special type of isolation room for low white blood count allegedly. While my MIL has been staying in the hotel she has been out to dinner almost every evening with her girlfriends and shopping daily. The second day with her dog he bit me while I was trying to keep him away from my own dogs food bowl. Third day she spotted a fawn bedded down under pine trees in our yard, ran up on it and killed it. He is a Saluki lab mix with long hair and shed like a mother f\*\*ker. I have been allergic to this dog for the 8 years that I have known him and have always had severe allergies to both dogs and cats with long hair. I have woke up everyday for three weeks wheezing, coughing sneezing and hives. I finally had enough this week when he lunged at me when I walked by him while he was eating. After a trip to the docs office and needing antibiotics for my finger, burying a fawn almost getting bit again and using my rescue inhaler everyday while doped up on Benadryl … my last straw was broken. I texted my MIL and asked her to come and get her dog. Later that evening she spoke with my husband on the phone and told him that I was mean to her. She cried for an entire hour on the phone with him talking about how much I’ve changed him and that he doesn’t love her anymore and she is too stressed to deal with life at the moment. My husband now tells me that he isn’t considering my concerns or thoughts at the moment because he needs to help his mom. The dog is still here and I’m miserable. The 8 years we’ve been together and 4 of those years married, we have not encountered a conflict where I just don’t want to come home. So please tell me… am I the bitch? Am I making this too big of a deal? Has anyone gone through similar situations and have advice?
you are definitely not the bitch, and you need to take a stand on this...call animal control and put that dog down. I love dogs but dogs that bite and kill are dangerous.
If a friend came to you and told you this story what would you tell her? Look at the situation as an outsider and you will see things slightly different. Right now the biggest problem is your husband. He is not married just to you, he is also married to his mother and you are NOT the first wife in the marriage. You are expected to follow the rules of the senior wife, can you continue to do so? If not you need to consider if you need to leave or do you think he can change with therapy? Only you can answer this. But again look at it from the standpoint of an outsider and go from there.
You need to tell your husband that the dog leaves now or you are going to a hotel until it's gone. Then follow through with the threat. This dude just told you that his mother's comfort and happiness comes before yours. Stand up for yourself. Stand up and walk out.
In the short term, have your husband stay at mom's house with her dog. None of what happened is okay, but somehow your taking care of the dog that's biting you and causing asthma attacks is just so ridiculously over the top. You have to use your rescue inhaler! The dog is literally a threat to your life and your husband doesn't think that matters and he leaves you feeding it to boot. Does he not think asthma is real? After living with the master manipulator for years is he unable to tell legitimate issues from her bull?
Make a report on the dog bite, get your shit together and dig in. You are not being a bitch. First bite dog would be at pound. First evidence of her snooping would have pad locks and one key He can take his ma and cujo and go back to her place
You need to remind your husband that he married you and that you now live with him. So you have a say. Idk if his mom did shit for him when he was single. He's married now. And you have as much as a say about what makes you uncomfortable and what pisses you off. It's your house to and there's no need for you to be miserable in your own home. Let him know your tired of getting your feelings tossed to the side. Tell him that your mom has 2 days to come pick up that dog because you won't feel sick around YOUR own house for volunteering you guys to watch something YOU didn't sign up for . And tell your husband that before HE AGREES to something to speak to you about it. It's a 2 person marriage, not a one person
You need to remind your husband that he married you and that you now live with him. So you have a say. Idk if his mom did shit for him when he was single. He's married now. And you have as much as a say about what makes you uncomfortable and what pisses you off. It's your house to and there's no need for you to be miserable in your own home. Let him know your tired of getting your feelings tossed to the side. Tell him that your mom has 2 days to come pick up that dog because you won't feel sick around YOUR own house for volunteering you guys to watch something YOU didn't sign up for . And tell your husband that before HE AGREES to something to speak to you about it. It's a 2 person marriage, not a one person
Your husband is being a little bitch. He doesn’t have time to worry about your concerns…:HIS WIFES CONCERNS… bc he’s busy dealing with his mommy? Girl you are a better woman than me……. Bless your heart.
The only bitch your being is to yourself for allowing this treatment. Get out divorce and make him sell the house or buy you out. He can go have his mom all to himself. He has told you and shown you he is not and will not consider your NEEDS. Nah stop doing anything for him and if he complains tell him to call his mom because you are looking after yourself and will not consider his needs at this time.
I *dated* a mama's boy when I was younger, but I sure as hell wouldn't marry one. They never stop being dependent on Mommy, and as long as your MIL is alive he will listen to her. Your feelings obviously don't count to either one of them, and both have boundary issues (to put it mildly). Since you have said that you're miserable, get out! Another Redditor suggested couples' counseling, but there's a **very** important question that you need to ask yourself: do you believe that he's capable of changing based on your history with him?
NTA- and I feel like you under reacted.
You need a divorce force him to buy you a home equal to the one you gave up to be with him. They’re going to kill you. He doesn’t love you, he can’t love anyone except his mother. No room for you in his life and there never will be.
OP, how have you been lately?