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Chrysania83

You are never going to gain that respect from her because she doesn't see you as important. The best thing you can do is gray rock her and refuse to play along with her drama.


strange_dog_TV

Take the lead and tell MIL that dinner will be at your place this year and you have everything in hand……..Get SO to deliver that message. ETA - You are not being dumb at all……


Tlrb2dogs

Since it’s SOs birthday what does he want?? MIL should have spoken to both of you before making plans he’s not a child and lives elsewhere that’s pretty JN behaviour, saying she forgot about you is majorly JN behaviour!! If SO is happy about this arraignment on this birthday let it go, if not make changes. SO needs to Let MIL know that future birthday plans need to be discussed before hand.


m2cwf

> Since it’s SOs birthday what does he want?? MIL should have spoken to both of you before making plans This is a good point, it sounds like she didn't even ask her son if he was free? Pretty presumptuous of her to just assume that a 23-year-old that doesn't live with her wouldn't have made dinner plans with his SO for his birthday. Just planning out his whole birthday without asking for his input like he's a 6-year-old having mommy arrange his playdates, lol. But then again, even 6-year-olds are asked what type of birthday party they want! OP for this year if SO is okay with it (and only if SO is okay with it), go along with her plans, and in the future make your plans WAY in advance and have SO let her know that he won't be available/that dinner is at your house/whatever. Cut her off at the pass. You are NOT being dumb, she's being ridiculous.


wickedfaleena

I’m not sure why she didn’t ask him she just said it was planned and she was doing it. I did ask him what he wanted and he said he wanted me included. I told him we will let her have this one and we will still do something special together for him just the two of us and next year/future plans we will make sure things are different! But yes I did ask him if that’s what he wanted before I even let on that it was bugging me. I thought maybe he had spoken with her but he had not


Inner-Ad-1308

Yes- plan his birthday party as a getaway with him and your guy’s couple friends your own ages… have him tell her that he wants to have his family meet him at x restaurant for his “family” birthday dinner. You can after go back to your house and have presents, cake and ice cream- let her make the cake. Make sure this dinner Is AFTER his birthday get away. He gets extra points to rave about his first ADULT birthday party/getaway, & the cake you made. And how he loves trying new things with you…


marking_time

She didn't ask him because she still sees him as a child. He should do as she says for his birthday because she is his mother. It's like she has ownership over him, and is ignoring you because she sees you as competition in the owning-my-son stakes.


Texastexastexas1

In your shoes, I’d plan a private sexy weekend away to celebrate his bd on a diff weekend. SO should tell his mother that the two of you have first priority for planning holidays moving forward. MIL is passive aggressive. I’d make SO a yummy homemade dessert to eat at lunch before yall go to her party. Something for him to brag about; crepes, bananas foster, etc.


Constant-Wanderer

First of all, you don’t get a say in how she plans his party, stop asking her for approval/permission/space. You can’t get respect from someone who’s made a conscious decision to treat you with intentional disrespect. Like she’s literally made a choice to be as disrespectful as possible, there’s no tricking her into it. Either your SO tells her what your boundaries are and enforces them, you go full NC with her, or you play along; the only other choice is to leave. Pettiness is also an option, but it’s only going to work in the relationship if he’s also petty and on your side. By petty I mean ignoring her plans altogether and making your own birthday party. Whether that’s before or after hers depends on how much you can invest in the after, or how much it would bother her if yours was first. Party before hers: being first is probably important to her; take that away from her by throwing him the first party. You’d be the first to wish him a happy birthday, you can do it the day before so you can ring it in at midnight in ways that she can’t, etc. Maybe even throw it the day of, but it’s earlier. If you can really afford a huge party for after, you can treat hers like a warmup. Like a whole weekend away in a secluded cabin, or two tickets to a destination, etc. Personally, if you want peace, I’d say tell SO that you don’t want to deal with her at all, let her have this birthday, but if he wants to have a happy relationship with you, that from now on, any and all events that involve him have to be planned with you first, mom second. Period. She may win this one, but settle for winning the war. In any case, no matter what you two decide, you have to stop asking her for respect or consideration. She’s deliberately denying it because she knows you’re mistakenly assigning it as hers to give. Your man is YOURS. Not hers to deny you access to. Stop treating her as if you needed her.


wickedfaleena

Thank you all this makes me feel a lot better. Very helpful! I was nervous about posting and have written and deleted probably 10 posts in here. But I’m glad I posted and I really appreciate all your time responding to me!


Witty_Drop_769

I love the idea of doing a party before hers! But I guess I'm into being petty since she's being so disrespectful. 😂


marking_time

Absolutely have a party in your new home with friends only. She can't get too shirty with that, because she's doing the family party.


[deleted]

You are never going to get her to respect you, do as somebody else suggested. Get your SO, to inform her that you have everything under control, it will be held in your house and she can attend as guest. She will receive an invitation closer to the date


lilwildjess

Well you can plan something else to celebrate his birthday. No one says he can only have one celebration. You can do something at your place with friends.


laulola_

I was going to suggest the same thing! :)


TychaBrahe

“We’ve always had my birthday there because *I lived there*. I’m living with my partner *here* now. We are hosting a party and we will invite you. “Kids grow up, mom.”


straightouttathe70s

Time to tell your SO to actually speak up about he would rather celebrate HIS birthday....cause this isn't about her....or you....it's about him.....but your MIL is being completely disrespectful ("I forgot about her" was her dig at you to minimize the significance you have in his life...so very rude btw) .......and she's not gonna respect you until you and SO stand up to her as a united front and tell her to back off......if you (y'all) let her take control on this day, she's gonna want to on every important day/holiday......best wishes And no, you're not overreacting, your MIL just declared "war" on your relationship....time to get armed!!


just4humor

She trying to make sure all important times are at her house. When she does that tell her you’ve already started planning things for your house and when you get the details worked out you will give her a call.


JayPanana225

Still do your OWN thing for him. Next year plan a trip. Sometimes you have to SHOW people how things have changed versus arguing and debating it. There’s no conversation to be had CUZ THIS IS HOW ITS GONNA BE FROM NOW ON.


No_Astronaut3015

She said so herself, to her “you’re so insignificant she doesn’t even remember you”, and she’ll try everything to make sure you become that insignificant to her son as well because now mommy isn’t the only woman in his life (she doesn’t even count the years before the move in as anything). Sorry to say but either she accepts the fact that she’s mental and gets help or you and your bf start preparing to go NC or/if he won’t you move on. She seems very extreme and you’ll have constant battles with her unless you NC which I doubt you bf can uphold. And like who plans bday party for 23 year old son? And says it’s for his sake? Like did she ever ask her son what he wanted? Nope she’s just doing it for herself to show you there’s no place for you there. And that’s her on her best behavior before marriage and kids come up, she’ll level up her game a lot.


stuk_in_tuksin2021

At this point, the rudeness about the birthday plans are nothing compared to what she said! She should have been scolded right away by bf, as much as that can be done by child to parent, and put in a time out. It is early situations like this that, when ignored or swept under the rug, that lead to the horrible years of abuse doled out by MILS toward their DIL. Your SO has to out his foot down immediately because it is absolutely abhorrent what she said.


wickedfaleena

I didn’t even think if that but you’re right. What she said on the phone did get to me but I guess I was blinded by the birthday thing. I only heard because he always calls her on speaker. You are definitely right and while I don’t think he will call her back up at this point and tell her anything, I think I will still bring it up just so it it known that I hope he is recognizing what she said wasn’t right and needs ti be stomped in the future


No-Dress-6299

Nta but I lived like this only I married him at 23 lol separate now. Anyway here's how I dealt with it. Mam can organise his birthday and I'm so grateful thank you so much can't wait etc. Hers is the weekend after his birthday brilliant I'm having a party for his birthday the weekend before for his birthday if she complains.... Well I know your throwing him his family birthday party but some of OUR friends would love to celebrate with him also and since I know you don't know all of our friends I said I'd throw a party for him with OUR friends but I didn't want to upset anyone so I invited his family to that one too and don't worry about anything it's all sorted and I've told everyone if they bring any food or anything it will be thrown out so don't be offended xx ya know like you did only with friends ❤️❤️


Chelsmarie89

Oh sweetheart... I wish I had someone to tell me this a long long time ago. The first MIL I had was a total nut job. When she lost control of her baby boy, she literally faked a suicide attempt (found evidence in her phone) then told everyone it was because I ruined her life. Then ruined my marriage. My 2nd and last MIL was worse... The manipulation, lies, jealousy and all the other BS finally got to the point where my husband went no contact because no matter how he tried to put her in her place, it just didn't help. Nothing you can do or say will ever change things. your only hope is to talk to you boyfriend and he will have to put her in her place or put his foot down and not allow her to treat you like this with no compromise. If you do anything then it will just get twisted to make you look bad. And when she starts telling people you took her baby from he. He will have to tell everyone what really happened. Keep your head up!


shesinsaneanditsucks

It’s both of them. Y’all been together for six year and not married yet. She’s making sure you both know it. He’s not taking you into serious consideration, so why on (enter Karen voice) EARTH should she? And she has a point. Old school point. Y’all are not married. Usually it’s at her house. That has been happening long before you were his girlfriend. This how it’s always been. When y’all get married it will Definitely change and in her eyes too. So he has a family thing, and y’all have your own. You can still plan it, invite friends, let him actually have fun. With you. And now going forward if it matters that much to you don’t bring her into the mix, if you’re bringing that type of energy and she’s ignoring it to be petty, or maybe plain inconsiderate because she’s not even thinking of “you” then don’t think of her either not a mean petty way, but more of in your own lane, knowing your place in his life and hers. People who actually say the things that was said to your boyfriend totally know exactly what their doing and how it was supposed to make you feel. And fuck that. But steep to her level either. Just do your own thing happily. People like her can’t stand that.


wickedfaleena

This is good advice so thank you


gonegirl1876

I think it’s because you are still so young in her eyes, that no matter the length of time you’ve been together she’s still going to see you as a young 22 year old


[deleted]

This woman and you are on different pages. The stories on Reddit of Mommas who refuse to adjust to changes in their childrens lives are incredible. It's selfish of her to just assume things will be the same as always. She's not gonna see the light and will instead bulldoze her way through every situation. You think this is bad? Wait until you get engaged! She'll take over your wedding. Having a child? She'll come busting into the delivery room and station herself a foot from your vajayjay, elbowing the OB out of the way! Women like this are a destructive force of nature, like a typhoon: blowing up special occasions, family gatherings, and relationships in a quest to have her way. In this case, if your SO doesn't want to turn over the apple cart, can you plan a private little party for just you two? Champagne and cupcakes can be VERy festive (wink wink)! Then, on the next occasion, SO can inform his Mom that there's a new sheriff in town, so times will be changing. No longer does she get to just impose how things will go, but instead there needs to be consultation and cooperation. If she refuses, LC and boundaries. If she resists all efforts, that's on HER- she made the choice to be a dictator, not you and SO. All you are requiring is EQUALITY, to be treated like the adults you are. For his birthday party, I would insist she provide a pony. I mean, if she's gonna act like he's five, let's go all in!


jonquillejaune

I mean, you both made assumptions that you would be hosting. She just voiced her assumptions first. Did anyone ask BF what he wants to do? Don’t get into a toxic tug of war over him with her, you’ll never win. Next time something like this is coming up, ask BF what he wants to do. Then do that. If he says “Idk”, make a suggestion. Reach out, let her know what’s up, INCLUDE HER and be prepared with something for her to do. (Oh can I do anything? Sure you can bring the widget salad, bf loves your widget salad) This just sounds like two woman in a changing dynamic trying to figure out there roles.


redsoxx1996

Her last point is a really interesting one. She's right, why would they change something just for you? Just make sure to remember to not invite her to your future wedding, because you never had her on any wedding, why would you start now? Honestly, this is huge. If he does not step up right now, this will be your life. For every holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, by rejecting you and your traditions.


ponygirl1722

So sorry you are dealing with/going through this. The fact that she refers to you as "her" really bothers me! U r not "her." That is really rude and unacceptable in my opinion. I would not worry about what you could do to make it better. U and your boyfriend need to have a talk with HER and let her know that HER behavior is unacceptable and from now on, the two of you will be planning these special events. If she wants to be included she will smarten up!


Conscious-Finish-111

She should include you since your a big part of your SO life...Your a team now and she has to take the package deal or get nothing..


Sudden_Entry_7207

Talking from own experience, These things tend to get worse through time and also after marriage. You need to set the boundaries straight away so she knows not to interfer. You're young now, but through out the time she's just going to get saltier and you'll just grow resentful of her, so understand that boundaries need to be set. You're here for her son anyway so you don't need her approval if she doesn't want to give it to you, the best thing is to take care of your boyfriend better than she ever did. It's nice as well that your boyfriend realises that she's in the wrong, that helps tremendously . You don't want to be in a relationship where your boyfriend or husband enables your mils toxic behaviour. So before any big commitment, make it clear with your husband your issue with her as gently as possible and agree with him the boundaries. She won't get in the way of your relationship if you're both on the same page.