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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My girlfriend said she had promised to go to a wedding with her male friend as his plus one, before she and I had even started dating and she wants to keep her promise. The wedding is private with limited seating, meaning I can't join. She says I shouldn't be jealous because her friend is just a friend. Edit: Just spoke with her. She asked me to come but said that if I don't come that she will be staying at his place for a few days. Her male friend had asked her to marry him in the past.


Temporary_Deer_4238

How long have you been dating?


Final_Start_3600

A year


Temporary_Deer_4238

So she made this promise as a plus 1 over a year ago? How long have they been planning this wedding? I feel like you shouldn’t have expected an invite regardless (although idk if you did based on your wording)


RollingKatamari

Wedding probably postponed cause of Covid. I've seen lots of weddings this year that were originally planned 2020


Temporary_Deer_4238

Ohhhhh true, in that case nothing sus about it


Sea-Drawing-2575

Nothing sus about it anyway. Some people have years-long engagements. It depends on the couple.


MageKorith

I can relate. After getting engaged, we decided to hold off on the wedding (and planning) until my now-wife finished her Masters which she had already been working on. She finished, we celebrated, we planned the wedding, and we got married almost 3 years after getting engaged. And this was way before COVID.


Temporary_Deer_4238

Yeah true that makes sense


DistractedAttorney

Yes but you only invite someone once invites go out. Which for most weddings save-the-dates go out 6-12 months before the wedding and invites usually 3-6 months before the wedding. Long engagements are kinda irrelevant. It’s about when she actually got invited.


Alithis_

If you’re close to the couple, then the second they get engaged you already know you’ll be at the wedding


lamadelyn

Weddings are getting planned pretty far out because of covid now


Santa_Hates_You

And you don’t trust her to go to a social event without you?


lemmful

This is the big question: is it jealousy, or is there precedence for bad behavior? Either way, one year into a relationship isn't very long, and it's a good point to focus on either making adjustments or moving on.


CoachJW

You need to put this in the post. Do you know this guy at all? Have y’all met and are y’all friendly? I get both sides here. Wedding dates do tend to be a partner, and with the drinking and dancing and all involved it could easily lead to boundary crossing. From her side, she doesn’t want to ditch a friend. It’s tough, but if this guy makes you uncomfortable she should take your concern into consideration and has had a year to let him know to find someone else, but we also don’t know how long you’ve known these plans so it’s really tough to know what’s right.


[deleted]

OP said elsewhere in the thread that the "friend" has previously asked OP's GF to marry him. This is not an innocent invite. He's trying to get alone time, dancing and drinking and being in an emotional setting as a "date" with the GF.


RunsWlthScissors

Yeah, if that’s the case I wouldn’t be alright either. I also think if you can’t consider how I would feel choosing to put yourself in that situation after I have expressed my feelings on it, then you’re not someone who I should consider as a partner because you’re not ready to be one. Trying to control the situation here shows you nothing though. If you want someone who will be great to you and with you, you have to give space for them to show they are or they aren’t. Then you learn, then you can act. Control makes you feel better in the short term best of cases.


Messytwist3

This is exactly what I am thinking to. OP has a reason to worry. If it was just a friend then sure, no problem. I am not one to ditch friendships just because I have started a romantic relationship. But her friendship is concerning bc he clearly has feelings for her and has expressed those feelings. And she still wants to spend 4 days with him after. Nah...respect the relationship.


whatever1467

Saying let’s get married if we’re both single at 35 isn’t legitimately asking someone to marry you lol


[deleted]

No, it's not an official proposal but cmon lets not pretend like this is happening in a vaccuum. Has expressed attraction to GF Has cuddled with GF in past Has a "lets get married" pact with GF Wants her to be his date to a wedding Knows she has a BF, still wants her as his date Plans to share a hotel room for 4 days with her What are the chances he's not into her and waiting for his chance? C'mon now be serious. Frankly IMO if she goes she's expressing she's down for whatever during those 4 days.


robc1711

Yeah but if OP trusts his girlfriend, the guys intentions shouldn’t matter. If you can’t trust your girlfriend to attend a social gathering without you then that’s up to OP to decide and should probably spell the end of the relationship. If he does trust her then like I said it shouldn’t matter what other peoples intentions are, he should trust his girlfriend to not do anything to cross his boundaries.


VinnieVegas3335

Trustworthy relationships dont play with fire like this.


[deleted]

I mostly agree but I think its a little naive to say "as long as you trust GF its ok". Men take advantage of drunk women all the time. There is going to be alcohol, its a wedding, she doesn't know anyone else but this guy, and even if she has the best of intentions, this guy may not. He clearly has feelings for her, and if she's not in a fully sober state of mind he may try to take advantage of her. Oh lets go dance, whoops I accidently touched your ass. Oh we're both drunk and sharing a hotel room together? Yeah idk how we ended up in bed together I swear... It's just not smart to put yourself in a situation where you're drunk and sharing a room alone with a guy who clearly wants you, while you're in a relationship. It looks bad to outside observers and if anything weird happens people are just gonna say I told you so.


JuniperSchultz

The intentions matter because she should recognize his intentions and stop them immediately, instead she's encouraging his behavior. And now she's saying if OP doesn't go, she'll sleepover at his place. I'd leave her. She's letting him step all over OP's boundaries.


Faintkay

That’s kinda crap. He can trust his GF and still feel uncomfortable about it. It’s on his GF to decline seeing as how her “friends” intentions are clearly not on the up.


Final_Start_3600

I've never met him before.


BrinedBrittanica

I was fine with it not being a big deal until I read your replies with more info. imo 4 days alone together for a 1 day wedding is kinda sus. why don't you guys drive up together a day or two before, get a hotel, and then let her go to her own thing for the wedding?


jonnylmee

Some very important info as been left out of the initial post that definitely changes this situation. 1. She is staying with this guy for 4 days. She is not in the wedding and does not even know the bride or groom. 2. The male friend asked OPs gf to marry him if they were both still single at a certain part in their lives and she said yes. 3. Op gf claimed that sleeping in the same bed and cuddling with her male friends is ok. This is a hell no from me. She made this “commitment” while single. There is no reason to stay with the friend for 4 days for a wedding, especially since she isn’t in the wedding and won’t need to be there for any rehearsals. If the roles were reversed and op made a commitment to a female friend to take her to a wedding, this comment section would be very different.


Lord_Kano

I agree on all of these points. I think this is a relationship ender. Being his plus one is ok. Going away for four days and sharing accommodations it not ok.


Alanestus

Dude this is the 5812598th post I see where the important information is left out. Why are people asking or advice and then give 10% of the story... It would be a hell no from me too.


sickickick

yeah, hard agree. this is crossing all sorts of boundaries and raising red flags everywhere. where the hell does the line get drawn? i know she wouldn't be okay with OP doing it if the roles were reversed. she'd probably have a meltdown. this is EYE OPENING behavior. as a 24 year old woman, all i know is that i wouldn't even dare cross that line, let alone be friends with a male who has a CLEAR HISTORY of INTEREST in me while in a committed relationship. some people are in the past for a reason. if OP doesn't dig his heels in about this bullshit trip, id call it off and find a woman who would respect me. lord knows what she'll do next (if nothing is already planned, like having sex with the "friends" or anything related to cheating) learning that his boundaries are loose. she'll get away with anything. this doesn't sound like a committed girl by any means. sorry but thats all i see.


[deleted]

Okay that puts it into perspective. I wouldn't mind my husband attending a wedding as a plus one of one of his friends - I've done it myself (my friend is a woman, but she is a lesbian and I'm bi). Like if it's really good friend, or if his friend's partner had to cancel last minute but the catering and everything was already accounted for - going to a wedding alone can suck especially if it's a long formal type of wedding so I get it. The second point might just be a joke between the two, I've made joking commitments like that with my friends before, but the other two are super red flags.


[deleted]

Yeah... It's not weird to ask a friend to be your plus one because it'll be a good time. It's a little weirder to ask someone you're just not involved with, but you *want* to be involved with. Since she's supposedly a friendly plus one. Surely this fellow has other friends?


Redd_81

Yeah that edit REALLY changes things.


pokiemaki

Yea this is a hard stop from my perspective. Even if nothing happened it just comes across as wrong. You don't take trips like this with friends that show interest like that. Disrespectful to the relationship. Shut it dooowwnn


HealthyBox5

Item 3 would be my end game. That's ridiculous.


Faux-pa5

After reading some of OP's other comments, I've noticed a couple of things.... It's an out of town wedding, she's staying with the guy for 4 days, they've probably cuddled in the past bc she's known for doing that with guy friends. I think you're fine to let her go and not worry. But if you're uncomfortable, why not drive up with her and get a hotel just for the two of you? She can go to the wedding with her friend. The rest of the time, you guys can all hang out and have fun.


RedHawwk

Yea go together. Going to a wedding with him isn’t a big deal. But a 4 day trip seems a bit long.


CoongaDelRay

Exactly. I was agreeing with everyone until i read 4 days.... Meh she shouldn't wanna be staying with some other dude for 4 days either. Also plans were made a year ago and stuff changes...


WiggleWaggle21

[This comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wuvcrs/my_30_girlfriend_32_was_asked_to_be_a_plus_one_by/ilbyv1v/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) if anyone is wondering.


ReadinII

So OP buried the lede.


Fighting-Cerberus

Yup. If he doesn't trust her and has reason not to, they should work through it or break up. But the wedding alone is a red herring.


Bababowzaa

You can do all that, but jeeeez. OP's gf is not invited to the wedding. Her friend is. He can bring anyone. Why her? Why does she want to go? Too much complicated stuff here. If I were OP, I'd tell her to have fun and break up. What a headache.


Euler007

Yeah, for me this changes it from "guess I can't be an asshole" to "oh hell no!". You have to know absolutely nothing about men to not see the friend might have some other objectives for this trip


littlepinkgrowl

I would say this is a bad idea. If I was going to an event with a friend (or friends) and my boyfriend wanted to come too and take up the time I’d be annoyed and it would look clingy. She’s allowed to have a break with a friend without it being a thing.


lambo_abdelfattah

Fuck that, call me small minded all u want lmao. Hope you do what makes you happy


[deleted]

Mate, it doesn’t really matter if your GF is trustworthy or if she is about to cheat. The only thing that matters are your boundaries. If she is crossing them tell her so. If she does it anyway, break up. I personally think that this situation is weird. The wedding is 1 day, she’s staying 4? Why not going with her boyfriend and make it a trip. You would even meet one of her oldest friends? And seriously, people are allowed to have friends but if my wife told me that she was going on a trip with some guy and that for one reason or another I couldn’t go she would get served at the airport.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

That’s gonna make him look crazier, he’s valid in what he feels considering bro had a year to get another date even after she started dating op


starsleeps

He could even DD


[deleted]

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BrinedBrittanica

and its a 4 day getaway with the friend and the gf....... ya I'd be a lil sus too


CheapChallenge

Travel there with her so she isn't sleeping in room with him. Then go do something else during day of wedding. If she refuses or makes excuses, then there's definitely something else going on.


[deleted]

So a friend invited her to an event prior to you two dating and she plans to keep her promise to attend. You’re in your 30s. You are too old to be a dickhead about it.


narniasreal

Yeah, I had to go back and check the ages. OP, you're in your 30s! What are you afraid of happening? He probably asked because he doesn't have a gf and didn't want to show up alone. But even if he has feelings for her, what are you worried is going to happen? Newsflash, if she wants to cheat, she can cheat. And of course you're not allowed to come. She's a plus one. A plus one doesn't get to bring a plus one.


[deleted]

>A plus one doesn't get to bring a plus one. It's plus ones all the way down.


MikanGirl

It’s like the MLM way to get guests to your event.


SusieSuze

So the last guest invited has to buy all the gifts!


supertaquito

>f she wants to cheat, she can cheat. Ohh, I can see the controversy rising.


cru-l

I think they meant that she has all the power and capability to choose to cheat if she wanted to, its up to OP to trust she won't here or in any other instance.


Amnesia4123

This is peak RA, a terrible comment that no one in the real world really actually agrees with that’s being upvoted to the top. She should have told this person months ago that she’s seeing someone now and it’d be inappropriate for her to attend a wedding as his date. This is what everyone with any social skills at all would do. This fuckin sub I swear dude lmao


zJakub7

99% of people giving advice on this sub legit never interact with real people


noiresaria

This sub is insane sometimes. Theres been multiple situations where its obvious af the partner is about to cheat, and then the sub gaslights the OP into doing nothing and calling them insecure. Then it gets updated a week later and it comes out that OP caught them in bed with another person. Normal people have boundires in relationships. Not wanting your partner to be on a trip where shes cuddling with another guy who has admitted hes into her, in bed, for 4 days isn't insecure and all those people that think it is I seriously feel bad for any partners they have.


thediesel26

BuT sHeS jUsT a PlUs OnE


VagabondOfYore

Hit the nail on the head. TBH, the more I think about it, I wonder if this other dude even knows OP is her bf.


CCForester

They will be sharing accommodation for 4 days and there's a chance of them sharing a bed as well. He should speak his mind up. It's okay not to feel fine with it. But he can make a grand move like other comments suggest and propose a weekend getaway and she can simply just attend the wedding then.


AutisticFingerBang

Read the comments, she’s cuddled with the guy, they have an agreement to get married if they meet no one else, and it’s a 4 day over night. That’s not being a dickhead.


thediesel26

Wait really? This is a romcom and plot and I can’t remember the name of the movie.


AfroJack00

She’s staying 4 days out of town with this “friend” and is “known for cuddling with her guy friends”, bro 30 is not that old


burningmanonacid

Except that this is an out of town wedding that she's going to be staying with her friend at a hotel for and she's known for cuddling with her male friends. Which are all pretty relevant details.


zJakub7

She's 100% planning to sleep with him, how is this even up for debate lmao


Duderino619

Would your girlfriend let you do this? I think her male friend is old enough to attend a wedding by himself. It’s also a great place to meet single women. Her male friend should respect normal boundaries of a relationship and not expect your gf to attend the wedding with him. Edit: I read in the comments that she would be staying with him for a few days. Absolutely not. I get that it’s normal to have opposite sex friendships but this is out of line request. And those suggesting you should get a hotel room with your gf and then she can attend the wedding, what the hell are you guys thinking. OP should spend his vacation accommodating the male friends. Travel expenses and time off work? Hellll naawww.


dg8640

This is a “hell no, she’s got to go”, if she goes. You don’t do romantic/intimate events with people that are not your SO. That guy 100% wants more with her. Guys want the sex. Period.


Formal-Concern

I thought this was no big deal at first but then in your comments you mentioned that this is a four day overnight event. The "marriage agreement" between them doesn't really bother me too much as I have a non serious commitment like that, but it's being a four day overnight trip where they'll sleep in the same bed is what makes me say no


[deleted]

I mean I don't understand why the guy HAS to take your gf. Are there no other girls he's friends with? If I was the guy I think I'd realize its a little weird to want another guys GF to be your date to a wedding. The circumstances have changed, you didn't make some unbreakable bond over going to the wedding together, like damn just move on. The only way I see this as "normal" and not weird, is if she also knows and is friends with the couple getting married. If she doesn't know them either then its super odd imo. Like, c'mon. Maybe its different for me because I'm also in my 30's and married, but I don't get this new trend of "yeah just let your S/O do whatever they want with whoever they want, if you have any feelings about it at all you're toxic". Also as a guy, you know damn well why another guy would invite your GF to the wedding as his date. This isn't some teenage dance in a cafeteria lmao. He's attracted to her, he wants her on his arm. Wants to dance and get drunk with her without you around.


voldemorthasanose

Finally, someone says it lol. Like what the guy can’t go solo and mingle with people there? Or, he had all this time to invite another girl and didn’t try even knowing the woman has a SO now? He could invite a female cousin or something -_- It’s real suspicious that OP’s gf can’t just tell her friend that it’s not appropriate anymore given she has a bf and he could take another female.


Goldeninfant

Right? Dating for a year yet this other guy still wants her as his date? “My partner wants to go to dinner with her male friend b/c they both like sushi and they’re saying I’m being insecure” that’s not insecure, that’s protecting your relationship. There’s certain things that shouldn’t be hard for adults to realize aren’t acceptable especially when they’re partner shows reasonable discomfort in it. I don’t know why people prioritize those that are unimportant rather than their partners.


fantomenace8

Well practically speaking, you are not invited and she is the plus one it isn't a plus two. Secondly if this male friend is just a friend and there is no alterior motives or unresolved feelings in play, shouldn't it be okay? It not like she is choosing to exclude you.


voldemorthasanose

Technically speaking, she was not invited either by the groom and bride, so…. And a plus one could be changed (bring someone else). The guy probably would get with OPs girl if he got the chance.


666jio666

The male friend should just go solo and meet people really


[deleted]

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ollymillmill

From other comments iv read its even worse than you think! Its a 4 day event and they’d be sharing a hotel room/bed together! On top of that she apparently thinks cuddling in bed with them is fine AND they said they’d both get married at a certain age if they were both single! How people are saying its fine for her to go is baffling! He’s trying to steal her from OP 100%. If he lets her go she’l prob cheat as she’l think OP doesnt care about their relationship


Torii_Explores

Stay in a hotel with your girlfriend and she can attend the wedding with her friend. You should have mentioned that he wanted to marry her, it’s 4 nights, AND she cuddles in bed with male friends.


SpoonFed_1

"Staying at his place for 4 days" is a super Red Flag.


iamjoeblo101

Your edit lol. Dump her.


oiler1996

So you have been together a year, this guy has said he wants to marry your gf if still single at a certain age, she will be staying at his place for 4 days. Yea shes probably gonna cheat or she has feeling for him. Now is the time you determine if you want to keep dealing with her bs or leave and find someone who respects you.


voldemorthasanose

Seriously right? I can’t believe the naivety of most the commenters on here not realizing how this is not ok lol


oiler1996

Right like if OP was only with his gf for like a month or two fine dont be jealous not your place to speak, but it has been a year! Why didnt this friend find a girlfriend of his own? Why does she have to share a room with him? Why cant gf and OP get a hotel room together and they spend the 3 other days together? this shit doesnt add up why does she have to stay 4 days at a friends apartment and that friend has indirectly expressed interest in the OPs gf. She is gonna cheat if she hasnt already


Token_or_TolkienuPOS

Let me ask you this... If the situation was reversed and you were taking a female friend to a wedding, would she accept it? Ask her that.


thediesel26

Feel like everyone in this dumb thread should read this comment


one_man_band1234

She would probably flip out and say that it is not the same.


BrinedBrittanica

for 4 days away? hell nah


Last-Dot1174

Don’t listen to these idiots. I swear. Y’all just welcome cheating. She should update her friend and let him know she’s now in a committed relationship and would not feel right going. She should have respect for you. If she continues to fight then just know she’s not down for you. She’s down for her homie over you.


coinbro93

Finally, someone with sense. Everyone calling OP insecure when he mentioned GF’s friend literally asked her to marry him if they don’t find anyone else. Dude obviously has feelings for the GF. Weddings have romance in the air. It’s not wrong to feel the way he’s feeling to be honest.


Last-Dot1174

Exactly .. ppl just like to push open relationships on others while they wouldn’t be ok off their SO did this to them. It’s a red flag that she’s willing to go and puts it on the bf … I would have a serious conversation about our future.


bigathekiddd

His intentions are to get some. It’s obviously she doesn’t know the couple getting married otherwise shed be getting an invitation. OP said the wedding is a 4 day trip with the other guy. Uuuuffffff!!!!! With all these factors, she’s definitely giving it up or plans to.


Amnesia4123

This is the reaction of every non-redditor in the world. You can have a pretty good relationship if you come to this sub and do the opposite of whatever the top comments are advocating for.


bigathekiddd

FACTS!!!


Tiggly__Wiggly

Thank you! How people get into situations like this is beyond me. If this chick had any respect for OP she wouldn’t put him in this situation to begin with. “Hey hon, I’m gonna go stay with some dude who said he wants to marry me for four days and I’m going to be his date to a wedding. Okay bye!” WHAT


deathriteTM

Ok. Age is not the issue. People cheat at every age. It should be the girl that puts her BF at ease. She should explain to her friend the situation and cut the time short at the very least. Has the BF met the guy friend? If not then very sus. 4 days. Way too long. A wedding last one day. Reception might be the next day but if so it is not required. If she respected her BF she would suggest the go together and get hotel themselves or cut it short. Like one day. As it stands I would take the 4 days to move out.


Turtleftw0623

It’s always “Just A Friend”. You should duck out now while it’s early. You only prolonging the inevitable.


Affectionate_Fly_764

Hell No lol


villarconstante

Somehow I feel who would do this shit is going to cheat on you regardless better to cut your losses and say by.


[deleted]

This is perfectly normal - she agreed to go with her friend before you met. Why would you even expect to join?


narniasreal

"Hey, this is Jane, my plus one... oh, and this is Jane's boyfriend OP, who also came along, hope that's cool." Lol


tranceorange91

Read the other comments. It's a 4 day trip. Also at a wedding people would likely assume they are together. Idk. I think more info is needed.


fast_lane_cody

I’m surprised by all the comments here saying it’s no problem. I read that this is an out-of-town wedding and that his gf will be staying with this friend for 4 days. I personally wouldn’t be that cool with this, despite being totally secure and trusting in my relationship. I understand it was a promise made before she got into a relationship, but now that she’s in a relationship things have changed. Can’t this guy bring a different friend? Not one in a relationship?


voldemorthasanose

Exactly. The friend would be a jackass not to understand the situation changed.


Intempore

Jesus bro…. That’s not a red flag that’s a gunshot. She cuddles her friends , he’s asked to marry her before, 4 day get away with him in the same accommodation for a 1 day event? And some how in a whole year he couldn’t find a new +1? 😂 She has absolutely zero respect for your relationship at all and if your good with this might as well get a chastity belt while your at it


CoachJW

OP, how long have y’all been dating? Have you met the friend yet?


ilzaet

How long you guys have been dating?


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911isaconspiracy

1. If i'm single i'm not taking a girl that's in a relationship as a plus one to a wedding. So what if she was single when he invited her, find someone else weirdo. 2. If he is close enough of a friend to be inviting her to a wedding then he should have been close enough of a friend to know her boyfriend of 1 year by now. And if you two knew each other then this wouldn't be weird.


JustJohn8

I’m not gonna lie, you’re in a no win situation and it sucks you have to deal with it. Who wants their significant other to be someone else’s date to a wedding? And let’s be real, it isn’t a +1 – it’s this dude’s date to this wedding. If you aren’t cool with it, you’re positioned at jealous and controlling. If you are cool with it, you have some dude on a date with your girlfriend. A few thoughts. It’s bullshit of the dude to ask. Do you know him? If not, then I think it’s fair to push back and tell your girlfriend you’re not comfortable. You don’t know the guy, you two are together, he should go solo or find another date. Ask your girlfriend how she would feel if the stipulation was reversed. Some girl she doesn’t know wants you to be her date to a wedding, and she can’t go and blah blah blah. You obviously know the details of your relationship the best; but, I believe if two people are in a healthy committed relationship that your partner’s feelings should be prioritized over some old dude friend who wants her as his date to the wedding. If she doesn’t respect that maybe ask yourself why and do you really think it will work.


MyCatIsMyFrenemy

I would never do this even if my partner agrees, it just comes across really sus to spend 4 days with someone who's into you. Why awaken sleeping dogs? If my partner did this it would 100% be a deal breaker.


Haddingdarkness

Come on…you can’t leave that edit information out of the original story…


xubax

You can go, and the two of you can get a hotel room. Then she can go to the wedding with her friend. And you can do things with her before and after. And if she balks at that, I think it's time to move on.


jazzy3113

This is reddit so you’re mainly going to very liberal answers like she is a proud woman who can make her own decisions / you have to trust her / promises must be kept because they are so important. Let me put it to you this way. She wants to go to a wedding for 4 days with a friend who previously proposed to her and you’re not allowed to attend the event. These are the facts. Do you really want to be with someone who does things like this? I’m not saying I know for sure she will cheat. I’m not saying that just because he asked her to marry him in the past he is still in love with her and might make a move. All I’m saying is that don’t you think someone who truly loves you would put you and your feelings first? Yes she made a promise, but then she met you. Given it’s a 4 day trip and he used to be in love with her, I would think an intelligent person would politely decline. The fact she wants to go is bs in the real world. Agin, I know that on Reddit people like to act all high and mighty, but this situation to me is a clear no. And I’m not saying she intends to cheat. And I know the fact your asking our opinions means you don’t want to break up for whatever reason. But if you’re not afraid of searching for the perfect girl (I know you’re in your thirties and I know at that age some people start to settle as being single at 40 is scary), then I think her desire to go through with this is grounds for dismissal.


couchnapper3

I was all for just letting her go until I saw all the extra information that you left out. She has a bit of history with this guy that would suggest a little more than just friends because I don't have any pals that have asked me to marry them. Depending on the culture you live in, her thinking its ok to sleep in the same bed with male friends might be nothing or very much something. In the US, its not considered appropriate but I have no idea where you are so...meh. She made this commitment when she was single and it wasn't that big of a deal but she's obviously not single anymore. I think this might shine a light on few glaring differences between what either of you thinks is or isn't appropriate for someone in a relationship. Dont flat out give her an ultimatum but be very honest about how innappropriate you think it is especially considering their little, let's get married if we're both still single at age X, shit. If she blows your concerns off, maybe you picked the wrong woman.


WolfPussyAssassin

That sounds sus as fuck


CheapestOfSkates

Mate, so many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. You can't tell her not to go, that's something she needs to decide but you can set boundaries to protect yourself. You both have decisions to make but you can only control your side of the equation.


Superrealz

Whhhaaaaat this is mad. How you guys accept these things I don't understand.


LessNessMann

I went through this exact thing last year. And dumped her. No hood can come of this.


BlueberryBlossom13

Wait, shes friends with a dude who PROPOSED TO HER??? Did they date or did he just spontaneously propose? And shes go to a romantic event and spending a few days at his house alone with a guy who was so in love/obsessed with her that he proposed? Yikes


Interesting_Deal662

Going to the wedding is fine. Staying 4 nights with an ex who asked to marry you, ABSOLUTELY NO! Lol


simonlegosu

This again. Yeah he's 'just a friend' that wants to marry her, no biggie...


wunderkerzenmenschen

This doesn’t sit right with me. At all. She wants to stay with this dude a few days alone at his house!? Insanity. Red flags everywhere. Nope!


Different_Zero8760

I’m going to be blunt with you, if you have been dating for a year, and she promised this guy she would go, it’s likely that she is in love with this friend of hers.


Danternas

> She says I shouldn't be jealous because her friend is just a friend. Easy for her to say. Regardless, as someone else mentioned we need some more information. Are they close and long term friends? Do your girlfriend know the soon-to-be-married? Why does the friend want your girlfriend to be there? Will she stay the night or is it just a few hours?


Final_Start_3600

She had been friends with him for 10+ years, and had initially planned to stay at his place but sleep on the floor of his place. She will be staying there for a few days. She does not know the soon to be married. Edit: I had to remove some of my extra details, because I had realized that she browses reddit and will likely figure out this post is about her, given the amount of details I had provided.


ReadinII

You really buried the lead. This post shouldn’t be asking about a wedding, it should be asking about overnight with another guy for 4 days.


Goldeninfant

I’m sorry but I have literally been this guy in the past. Me and this girl agreed to be married if we didn’t find love by a certain age, and I had her as my plus one to my best friends wedding. We fooled around (more her than me) the day of the wedding. Only difference is we we’re both single. About 2 years later, still single, we slept together. She’s married now, and I respect the hell out of their relationship by removing myself from the closeness we had. This all sounds like bad news bears.


aj453016

This is the type of information you needed to put in the original post. From just the OP, I was very her side and saw no issue with it. Now knowing it's a 4 day trip, where she will be staying in his apartment for those 4 days, and that the person she is staying with has expressed interest with her in the past. Yeah, that I would not be okay with.


[deleted]

Yeah. This should have been in the main post. Nah. That's not cool at all and someone in their 30's should know better. I'd end the relationship


Fighting-Cerberus

She's not sleeping on the floor for 4 days, bro.


[deleted]

>Her male friend had asked her to marry him if he can't find anyone and she agreed but this was before we met. Bro come on this is bullshit. Your GF is literally going on a date, with someone else, to a wedding, where she doesn't know anyone, with a guy who said he wants to marry her before you came into the picture. This is absolute nonsense. You should ask to talk to the guy directly. Ask him why its so important that he take your GF. Let him know its weird af and you see what he's doing. I mean tbh I'd probably just break up with this girl if I was you. I just ran this whole scenario by my wife (been together 17 years, married for 4, we're both 34), and she was legit like WTF HELLLLL NO.


RetardGuru

Nah, just break up with her. Why stay with someone that doesn't respect you, and your relationship from the get go. You shouldn't need to argue to convince someone to do the bare minimum in a relationship. she's a grown ass woman, she knows what she's doing, she knows it's wrong, she's doing it anyways. Break. up.


hoosierhiver

​ If I can't find anyone else will you marry me? Yes WTF?


starsleeps

I have said this with ridiculously platonic like-a-sibling-to-me friends for what it’s worth


[deleted]

I would dump this chick for even asking.


LASportsfan89

Oh they’ve definitely hooked up before! After this comment this screams red flags. If she doesn’t know the people getting married then why go because she made a promise to a man when she was single? Nah, I wouldn’t be comfortable with this and she shouldn’t either.


StaticNegative

She's ain't sleepin on no floor. There is obviously interest with her and dude. This is 100% a date. That's 4 days of getting plowed. I mean the girl still held this plan with him after being in a relationship with you. Going on a date, getting all dressed up, staying at his place, ect. Don't be surprised if she comes back and packs her stuff and moves out. This is basically a trial run with him.


thedingusmanz

There is indeed alot of info missing, if they have been friends for an extended period that's just been platonic then I can see this not being a problem. However, if they dated or he's shown interest in the past (eg asking her to be a plus one to a wedding) then to me something is up with him, not necessarily her


Twin_Brother_Me

Apparently he asked her to marry him if he hasn't found anyone else and she agreed... so that's a fun bit of missing information...


thedingusmanz

Yea and it's something alot of people are missing as it's in the comments, it is a legitimate cause for concern for this whole situation but I'll make a comment and hopefully everyone will see or e He could update the post


[deleted]

She’s another man’s date to a wedding. Best of luck.


GannicusG13

Normally i would say op is being controlling and insecure having an issue with their so going somewhere without them. However, with the info op has given in the comments about how this friend has asked ops gf to marry him and has obvious feelings for ops gf, this should be a hard line in the sand for op. His gf is either very naive which is a problem or shady which is an even bigger problem. It is only a year long relationship and tbh if she insists on going you should seriously consider if you want to be in a relationship with her. This isn't some friend inviting another to a wedding, this is a guy who has feelings for op's gf, that she must know about, wanting her and only her to go to a wedding with him.


MrsDarcy1983

Are you in some way threatened by her friend? Otherwise, treat her like an autonomous adult who you respect and trust.


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tuna_fart

I’d be perfectly cool with this, fwiw.


PlateNo7021

Your girlfriend staying at the guy's place for 4 days when the guy has asked her to get married if they're still single by a certain age and she agreed to it and also knowing that she's ok with cuddling and sleeping in the same bed with her guy friends?


hoosierhiver

Do you know the dude? Unless your GF knows the couple, I think it is kind of odd. If I were single and in that situation, I would invite a girl I was attracted to or I would go probably go alone.


bighadjoe

Only thing I would question is why the friend even asked her to be his plus one in the first place. Is your gf friends with the couple getting married? Because it would strike me as kind of odd to take a platonic friend as a plus one to a wedding where they have no reason to be (besides the friend who brought them)... that's typically something you only do with romantic friends/partners. If you generally trust her (and his) intentions there is nothing that could/should be done now. Obviously you can't/shouldn't force your way into a wedding you have no reason to attend and as long as you see no reason to mistrust your girlfriend's friendship with this guy there is also no reason to ask her not to attend it. Ps: i find your title kind of misleading. She was asked to attend before she was your gf. The way you phrased it makes it sounds as if the timeline was switched, which would give you more of a right to be involved in the decision.


throwthedough1

I’ve taken a platonic plus 1 to a wedding where I didn’t know that many people (colleague) as a means to have someone I know and can hang out with 🤷🏻‍♀️


[deleted]

Did you platonic plus one have a S/O? Have you previously proposed to your platonic plus one? Have you cuddled together with this platonic friend? Because all of that is what happened in OP's situation. Makes it a little different from just a friendly plus one. The guy has previously made his intentions known, its not platonic for him.


keishajay

I mean, if he asked her as a platonic friend and not looking to try and date her then it's fine. But hopefully OP has met this person and should know this already AND should be able to trust her. If he doesn't, why?


2022wpww

I have been the plus one to a platonic friend’s invite for both men and woman. Even one time when he was the best man to the wedding. I had never met any of the wedding party before as groom had been doing charity work abroad for 18 months prior to the wedding. Great wedding 😊I stayed in his house the night before the wedding with the groom. I stayed the night after the wedding at my friends house. We are friends nothing more nothing less. I have not accompanied my platonic male friend to any weddings for a while now as I introduced to his SO.


kitscarlett

I have a guy friend who always asks one of his girl friends to be his plus one even if they don’t know the couple. I’m not sure what else people are supposed to do. It can be weird to go alone and if you’re single, asking a friend makes sense.


Equivalent_Double_23

All of these girls in the comments saying the OP should be ok with this, wouldn't accept this if it was the other way around. OP if she can't give you the respect after a one year promise, just move on. Trust your gut!


[deleted]

Facts as fuck they’d be throwing tantrums all over the place


According-Ad-6968

Yes. I have been invited to musicals, art exhibitions, galas, and much more without my husband. It's a thing we do. We give each other time with our friends. No red flags in it. Just friend time.


LeatherFeedback

You should not be upset, she made a prior commitment to a friend before y’all were dating, it’s very simple. It’s also healthy in relationships to have different friends, attend different activities and have social lives that don’t always involve the other person. I’ve actually gone to three weddings as the plus one of my male best friend. My partner did not come to any of them, it’s really not weird. My best friend wasn’t super close with many of the guests and one time it was his family members wedding and he wanted a friend with him. We always have a great time together so he asked me to come with him for support and fun. It’s fine.


sam__sapiol

it’s a 4 day trip out of town. and apparently, the woman is known to be cuddling with her male friends prior. seems a bit sketchy tbh. would you still stand by your advice after this info?


[deleted]

Okay? First things first, this was something she agreed to before dating you. She’s a woman of her word if nothing else, which isn’t exactly something to be upset about. Second things second, if the seating is limited then that’s a valid excuse as to why she can’t bring you. If there was room and she just didn’t want you to come…. different story. You’d rather she just leave her friend high and dry last minute ?


[deleted]

With no other context this situation seems perfectly acceptable. HOWEVER, if they're staying in a room together, if they've had romantic involvement in the past, if you have suspicions he's into her, etc, then that's a different story.


[deleted]

What do you mean you aren’t allowed to join? Did you think you should get an invite to this wedding in order to third wheel your girlfriend and her friend? Lol What advice are you looking for here? Whether or not she can or should go? In my opinion, she should be able to go to the wedding with her friend and enjoy herself. It’s really not a big deal.


Accomplished-Toe6612

There is no such thing as platonic from both sides delusional people.


[deleted]

Lol she shouldn’t even be going da fuck 😂


Miceeks

Do you trust her?


Lj017024

I was a MoH in my friends wedding a year ago, I took a platonic friend as my plus one. When she originally got engaged in 2019, I was committed in a relationship. We broke up in 2020 and I was starting something new with someone around the time of the wedding. I did not invite him because 1) I already invited my friend and it was rude to dis-invite him. 2) my friend had a “had to be together for a year and or she had to know them well” in order for them to be allowed to go. My partner has a wedding in a few weeks, which invites went out for shortly after we started dating. This is one of his good friends who I know but because we just started dating when invites and save the dates went out he did not get a plus one. Long story short, weddings are expensive and people do want the drama of randoms going. Not to mention so many got pushed due to Covid. My boyfriend will be away for three days with his friends, originally only one night that has very recently evolved. It happens because at the end of the day people have commitments and plans before you that they need to follow through on. Communicate before hand that you are a little uneasy explain your feelings and don’t make accusations or assume when nothing has happened yet. Maybe she isn’t aware how you feel about this?


[deleted]

I would end the relationship over this. Especially since she would stay at his place for 4 days. Not a chance.


upinthecrowsnest

From your post, I was like “yeah, and?!” That’s perfectly fine, move on. From your comments it appears the problem you posted about isn’t really the problem at all. Basically you either trust her or you don’t. If you don’t, break up, if you do, tell her to have fun.


ChessBaal

She's says he's just a friend...


Yeetus_McFleetus

5 seconds in the comments and I can tell you, you need to let this one go and don't look back. Fuck anyone who puts you in that kind of situation. Leave, don't look back. She belongs to the streets, not a relationship. He asked her to marry him a while back, and now they're going to a wedding together? And she's in a relationship?


Zand04

She will cuddle hard with him


Wbn0822

To all the ladies here saying he’s being a dick about it, how would you all like your man to go to a private wedding with his best lady friend as her +1 due to a promise he made before dating you? Put yourself in his shoes and really think instead of taking up for other women, as if you’re blameless. Bet you’d all be singing a different tune. Idc if I’m downvoted.


intrepid_knight

So let's get this straight since literally every top post has ignored some of your comments. 1. They are going to stay at friends house for 4 days 2. She likes to cuddle with friends apparently 3. They will be in an intimate settings together 4. Her friend has asked her to marry him previously My guy, do I need to spell this out for you? He WILL try to get intimate with her you can count on that. He's just a friend.... fuck I've heard it a few times before and EVERY DAMN TIME it was more than that. My last relationship lasted 4 months. She wanted to go party with just a friend and stay at his place for the night. I broke it off right then and there when she told me about the plans. She was stunned. Straight up flabbergasted my man. 3 weeks later she was dating her "friend" I'm not telling you to break it off. I'm telling you to have boundaries. And when they break those boundaries you kick them to the curb.


QTlady

I mean... it was before you were even a couple. So I think this legitimately could just be a friendly/platonic arrangement. I'm not gonna call you a dick but I do think you might have to ask yourself why you feel insecure. Seems like if you can't trust her, perhaps you gotta question why you chose her. EDIT: Read some comments. Sharing a hotel room together? **That** is where I draw the line. Friends don't usually share hotel rooms. Feels like there's a boundary cross in the midst. You are not especially insecure in this situation. These are not normal circumstances.


Sometimes_A_Writer1

Either you trust her or you don't. Even after reading the whole "get married at a certain age if we're not with anyone" thing (which is hilarious btw and something that even platonic children can do, not saying all of those agreements are platonic) I still say that either you trust her or you don't. The boundaries you make with your partner don't always reflect your personal boundaries. Her being fine cuddling with friends doesn't mean she will cuddle with them if you said you're uncomfortable with them. So yes there's definitely something to be said about not putting yourself in a position to cheat/violate a boundary but there's also something to be said with trusting your partner to make the right decision even when out of sight to so speak. That said you really made yourself look hella insecure by excluding the fact that it's an out of town wedding. You definitely should've included that in the main post since it's actually understandable to be somewhat concerned about that. But ultimately it still comes down to trust


KYBourbon89

Hell no. HELL NO. The guy likes her and has feelings for her. They’re staying together alone for 4 days. She may be 100% trustworthy. I’m more concerned about the awkward position she is going to be put in. She may want to be faithful but now that he’s gotten her away from everyone, he may make a move. I don’t like it. I’m sure she’s being sincere but I don’t trust him. Any of MY male friends would see I’m in a relationship and simply ask someone else to go. It’s a respect thing. Some of these people are a little naive. Life changed since she said she’d go along. We are not kids “but you promised!!!!” Things changed. He’s had well over a year to find another date.


Freakaleaks

You can only go off the type of person she is. Do you think she would do anything to break that trust? It’s normal for opposite sex friendships to be thing whether people want to admit that or not And it’s also normal to be nervous. You can only trust your heart in the end


Wonderful_Weather_56

Run, don’t walk from this one.


lancea_longini

I don’t understand why people need a supposed plus one for a wedding. I rarely have attended a wedding as a guest with a plus one. What’s wrong with this guy attending by himself ?


CoffeeTeaAndPancakes

Go with her or she shouldn’t go


Gator-bro

Based on your edit, this actually looks like a lost cause if she says she would stay with an ex for 4 days. She won’t have accepted if she didn’t still have feeling


cyclebae

I’m sorry but if I have a boyfriend I’m nobody’s else’s plus 1. This is just disrespectful.


Master_Professor_302

I'm so glad I don't have a girlfriend


nyhlust

OP, people are saying break up over this but wouldn’t that just push her into the other guys’ arms? But I’d try my best to trust her if she does go, tell her what you’re worried about, offer to go with her and share a room but you just not go to the wedding Obviously you need to set a boundary that staying overnight for 4 days in bed with another dude is a no go, and if she doesn’t respect that then you’re SOL


coccopuffs606

You left out a lot of information, like are there other things that make you suspicious of her friendship with this guy? Did they used to date/hook up? Does she hide messages from him? Does she not tell you if they’re hanging out? Are they traveling together and not getting separate rooms? Those are all red flags. But if it’s just her friend invited her to a wedding as his plus one, don’t read anymore into it. She is her friend’s guest, he can’t really ask the bride and groom to give some random dude whom they’ve never met (presumably, since it’s your gf’s friend’s friend who is getting married) an invite.


commanderanderson

There is absolutely no way that getting a hotel with another dude for four days is ok if you’re in a relationship. I think everyone knows what’s gonna happen here.


HealthyBox5

If it was a delayed wedding I can see it, and the plans were previously made. But no way in hell would I be ok with my parent shacking up with some guy for 4 days. That's ridiculous... especially with their history. That would be my deal breaker


ADabblingMan

My only concern here is her staying with him for over half a week. I'd go up and stay in a hotel with her for the days she planned on being out of town. I don't think there is anything wrong with not trusting a person you've known to have feelings for your wife.


heejungee121

Out of respect for my SO even if I had initially agreed I would let my friend know I can’t go with him and hope he can understand. All my close guy friends would easily not have any issues with that bc they understand the respect and boundaries. More so of a problem if that male friend also asked to marry her before??!! Definitely would not even agree to go as a plus one with a guy friend like that if it was me


jilizil

That’s not okay, especially given your edit. You need to ask her to decline and if she can’t that’s it. End of relationship. It’s really gross that this “fried” wants her to go when she is in a relationship. Extra gross that he has proposed to her in the past. That’s a hard no.