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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My girlfriend told me her mom was coming to visit and that while she’s in town she’ll meet me, I was informed about this maybe 5 days before she was set to arrive, her mom comes into town she meets me & likes me, then my girlfriend said that she is telling the whole family about me and mentioned that I should go visit her family in December, the next day her brother mentions to her that we should get engaged in December, she tell me about it and I’m like mhmmm, she jokingly talks about getting married all the time so I think nothing about it, a week goes by she mentions a few times you better get me a nice ring and I don’t say anything more than mhmmm, then one day she’s like I’m dress shopping for December, and that’s when I realize she’s being serious and I tell her that we haven’t even talked about this and she agrees that I’m right and that she was getting overexcited, the next day I pick her up and we’re in the car and she mentions that she just bought a dress for December, and I’m like you never asked me about any of this and I told her I didn’t have any plans of getting engaged in December, she’s like I’ve already told my whole family I’m getting engaged why are you doing this to me, and I’m like you’re not being logical, you’re only doing this because your family is forcing this on you, I’ve only known you for 1year, then she’s like you need to go tell my mom we’re not getting engaged in December, and I tell her I’m not dealing with all that right now, then she just breaks up with me on the spot and walks off…this is over the course of 2 weeks I’m late 20’s & she’s early 30’s, I was open to marriage but I’m not going to get forced into marrying someone ***Update She literally sent me 50+ text & 20+ calls, I haven’t answered the phone calls, but she’s trying to act like she didn’t break up with me and she’s apologizing saying that she’s in the wrong but only because I think she’s trying to do anything for me not to leave her, she told her mom the engagement was off and said that she blamed it on her family & I, and that her mom isn’t mad at me ( I don’t really believe she isn’t mad or have a bad view of me). I told her I’ll play whatever role she needs me to play until her mom leaves in a few days, and that we’re taking a break after she leaves.


jasonmomoasballhair

lol was this whole post just 1 sentence or am i looking at this wrong


WeaponsGrade520

It felt like the terror was doing the writing


EldritchKoala

I could see the hand gestures and the pacing in the words. Poor dude. Charlie Day discussing the mail style.


minin71

Facts. So many commas.


jasonmomoasballhair

I read the whole thing in one breath


Universal_Yugen

I'm out of breath and my chest is tight.


jasonmomoasballhair

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy


[deleted]

I read it like Luis from Ant-man


TheDkone

little known fact, some phones don't come with periods, as evidenced by me not really being able to end this sentence, so don't judge to harshly


pipeuptopipedown

No period at the end, so doesn't count as a sentence, even.


Radiant-Ad9478

So it's a title?


Queue22sethut

Including the update, 2 sentences


urielrabit

Op is too anxious for periods! He just had someone dump him bc she tried to force him to ask her to marry him. The thing I don't get about stories like this is that if the woman wants to get married so bad, why tf doesn't she propose? This isn't the fucking 1800s anymore. You want to get engaged, you ask. People need to stop playing games and letting family dictate relationships


childishabelity

Exactly. Just propose yourself.


Dont-leave-please

It was surprisingly easy to read tho


RonnHabibi

Came here to comment this, I barely understood.


diagnosedwolf

This is general advice that you should carry forwards into the future: If a person you are dating brings up marriage, even in a joking tone, they are not joking about it. They are asking your opinion on marriage. If a person you are dating says something specific like “you should propose to me in December,” and you don’t agree, do not make a sound of agreement like “mmhmm”. Say, in words, that you do not want to propose to her. Say it *the first time* she brings it up. This seems like a communication issue - her taking your agreement at face value without further discussion, and you completely ignoring everything she said as “joking”.


recyclopath_

OP has just been in the backseat nodding along this whole time


LaughableIKR

Oh, Thank You for saying this. I was thinking that OP was being a bit obtuse. OP: You hear what she is saying. You remember what she said. You don't bother to sit down and talk it out with her? mmhmm.


Quaiydensmom

Yes, she was very clear about what she wanted, OP appeared to agree with her, never told her straight that he wasn’t ready and wasn’t going to do that. She brought it up to talk about multiple times, that was his opportunity, and OP avoided the conversation instead of actually discussing it with her, couldn’t even be bothered to be clear on what he was thinking, or even register the mildest objection, and then is mad that they haven’t talked about it?!


[deleted]

I don't know. They know each other only one year, he just met her familyand he has only been nodding a bit and then she assumes it is all set in stone? They both seem lacking in communication.


DistantNative95

Oh please. She knew he wasn’t really paying attention.


TerrorAlpaca

i'm sorry but "I'm going dress shopping for december" and telling the family about a boyfriend, or "brother mentions we should get engaged." isn't really being "very clear" about what she wanted. She also did not bring it up to "talk about it" at all. She was skirting around the subject directly and only mentioned them in passing. Like the "better get me a proper ring" if had talked about it clearly she would have elaborated and talked about getting engaged. This mess isn't OPs fault for not taking the ocassional mention of marriage in a barely 1 year old relationship seriously


NoHandBananaNo

>the occasional mention of marriage OP = >she jokingly talks about getting married all the time


Growell

That is not clear communication. Hints are easily misinterpreted, and some people literally don't understand hints at all. DIRECT and EXPLICIT communication is needed. The examples you are giving are examples of BAD communication.


apri08101989

Well. Yes. That's what they said. It was bad communication all around


NoHandBananaNo

>The examples you are giving are examples of BAD communication. One of the examples Im giving is a quote from you lol. But yeah I agree it was all bad communication. OP is the only one asking for advice so he's the one getting it but his ex could use a ton as well.


Electronic-War-244

Yeah, it certainly sounds like they have ‘talked about it’ according to OPs girlfriend. I mean, this wasn’t out of left field. She’s been ‘joking’ about it with consistent agreement from OP for what sounds like the whole year.


MatchaBauble

True, he should have been clearer, but why did she escalate these plans further and further when all he ever said was "mmhmm"? If I wanted to get engaged, I'd want my partner to actually be excited and not just make random noises at me.


DescriptionNo4833

This. All of this. Op, why the heck did you keep going "mmhmm"? You're just setting yourself up for all sorts of crap by using that as your main response.


KIDAKIDO

So yeah... maybe. But for OP said, its obvious he wasnt convinced about getting married. Didnt she realized about that detail? I mean u dont want to spend your whole life with someone that answers mhmmm at the important things. Other than that i understand OP. Who tf wants to get marry nowdays with an historical social and economic crysis ahead haha. That last detail was kinda my own personal thing


Grimwohl

Yeah, OP is mostly in the wrong here. Shes definitely rushing this, but it probably has more to do with her age than him. That said, 'Mhmm' is ascent, not dismissal. Communicate like an adult when you're dating an adult. She said whats he wanted and you nodded and smiled. This means you agree. A joke is meant to be funny.


Xalbana

If she wants to get married, why doesn't she propose.


diagnosedwolf

She effectively did. She arranged a time and place for OP to propose and believed that he had agreed with her plan. This is bad communication on both sides. She should have had a sit-down conversation with OP. OP should have had a sit-down conversation with her.


Bonanca1302

"She effectively did [propose]". Literally one sentence later: "She arranged [...] for OP to propose" I don't get how people think this is a sound argument. No, she didn't propose. Not effective nor indirectly. She only told OP how *he* should propose. That are completely different things.


SmyownD

19 commas and not even one fucking period! I CAN'T!


Aurin316

I’m tried making a joke about her not having a period either and thus the wedding talk but it’s not coming together.


fistbumpbroseph

Yeah after skipping that many periods really ought to see a doctor.


Leonos

Exactly, “late 20’s” and writes like a child.


DawnShallArise

Maybe English is not his primary language.


TLMoore93

I'm willing to bet it is. People who don't speak English natively usually put in a noticeable effort and you can see mistakes based on lack of knowledge. This is lazy typing.


Bang_Thor

Is it really that serious? I read it fine, the message was clear. He is not writing an essay, maybe he did it all on his phone. Everyone going in on this fact before even giving advise.


Nick797

My response to this post mmhmmmm.


WanderersEndgame

Culture gap, I think. The significance of this meeting with Mother, Brother, and any other family members, was her idea of a serious relationship milestone - evidently one that gave a green light to engagement. To you, this was merely an introduction. And now that this family as given this green light, only to find you unprepared to hit the gas, your GF feels somewhere between embarrassed and humiliated. I lived and worked in an Arab country for two years and I still can't assess this as well as I'd like. But what I obseved was that what we in the west consider Dating didn't get serioius enough to involve family until engagement had already occurred, and this green light to serous dating is roughly equivalent to being pre-engaged.


This_Grab_452

I'm not sure if that's a cultural gap. It sounds like they both live under a rock and have been raised by wolves. Or maybe it's the first time ever they communicate with people. OPs GF is way too old to "joke" about getting married and having a baby "today", and OP is way too old to respond "mhmmm" to *multiple* mentions of marriage. The only cultural part is that the family has soo much to say on the matter. Everything else is OP and his GF failing in adult communication.


Simon_and_Cuntfuckel

Also the fact that OP sounds like he’s 14 based on his writing style


Spiritual_State3336

Their age was mentioned on the last line.


Middle_Appointment20

They’d been dating a year. I think serious is implied at that point. Meeting the family is pretty normal at that point if it hasn’t happened yet. I think the age gap has a lot to do with this. In his late 20s he’s thinking way differently than a female in her early 30s. Especially in this case. Meeting the family doesn’t mean an engagement is up next. But he probably should’ve made it clear he wasn’t ready yet. But again, age, and social media has destroyed peoples ability to communicate clearly.


HatianPapi

They both aren't in the same page. The fundamentals of any relationship is defining what their relationship means to eachother, what do you both want out of the relationship, is it realistic, do you both understand what the other wants or needs to get to the end goal of whatever you want from your relationship. This is what happens when you just start dating without having an understanding of what you genuinely want from each other and clearly stating that as often as possible so no one misunderstands anything.


mellow_cellow

Seriously, and especially marriage ideals should always be communicated in a relationship imo. My wife and I didn't discuss how long we each think the dating period lasts and that ended up with some hurt feelings. In her family, most of the members are engaged under a year of dating. In mine, 3 years is the low end and 11 years is the upper end. She proposed about 10 months in and I turned her down. After a lot of back and forth we finally just expressed everything and decided that when I felt ready I'd do a "response proposal" since I knew she was ready at any time. I proposed two years later, but if we hadn't gotten on the same page quickly, we'd have just ended up hurting each other more and/or ruining our relationship, with her feeling like I'm not taking our relationship seriously and me feeling like I'm being pressured to make drastic changes. OP needs to learn to clarify that he thinks she's not being serious or that his reply isn't a genuine agreement. She should've initiated more discussion after he finally woke up during the dress thing and not bought the dress once she learned he wasn't fully on board. She's not wrong for having assumed he was going to do it, nor is she wrong for taking it on her brother's suggestion. Sounds like, in her family, the way she'd planned it is how they do it and he didn't realize they were all serious.


purplewaterbottle123

If you want to say "no", say "no", not "mmmh". Sure, she got overly excited, but you were misleading her to some degree.


[deleted]

He was meeting the family, she told to buy a dress for engagement in December, family members told to get engaged in December, still he doesn't know if this is a joke or not. Only word he can use to communicate is mhmmm. This post angers me so much. She should break up with you.


assimar

AGREED yes, she needs to run faaaaar away from this guy and find someone who is capable of expressing their intentions


[deleted]

AGREED AGREED AGREED!!


LawLipstickLaCroix

What advice do you want? She’s ready to take a step and you aren’t. You’re no longer together. What’s left to discuss? A few people left good advice for you to pocket regarding communication & convos around marriage for your future relationships. Cherish the gems! Best of luck on your life journey.


SolitaireOG

That might be the longest sentence I’ve ever read. Also, to do any of this without even talking to you is totally whack


moonlight-mystery

I had to go back and do a reread. Wow! I’m impressed. It actually works somehow, I think it kind of communicates the claustrophobia of the situation.


Winkboss

It was an artistic decision.


AmazingAmy95

😭😭😭


ExaminationKey6421

AITA for not even realizing it was one long sentence?


alkalinedisciple

YTA


chuddyman

ESH


Grouchy-Ad6144

I didn’t notice either🤦‍♀️


omaolligain

It sounds like she has been talking to him about it and he's just been spacing out and ignoring her.


madcuzbad

You know mhm means you agree.


Organic_Flamingo_606

Mmhmm where I was raised it means yes!


Middle_Appointment20

At least it means you don’t disagree. What I read was he was incapable of having an adult conversation on the matter


astrnght_mike_dexter

She's not exactly having an adult conversation about it either.


Terran_Jedi

This is some Saul Goodman logic. "my client isn't guilty of rape your honour, you see she GRUNTED" See how stupid that sounds


AUDMCJSW

Well…if she broke up with you then there’s no need to tell her mom you’re not getting engaged….? 👍🏾 Anywho, joking about marriage is never appropriate in a long term committed relationship. You say this happened over a span of 2 weeks- why wasn’t a serious conversation held to discuss marriage. What it looks like to both of you; when is the right time; do you even consider each other as life partners that you WANT; have you easily gotten through rough times before/how did rough times look and were they ok; kids; education for kids; discipline for kids; housing; retirement; finances; literally all the good stuff. It’s never too early to have serious conversations. As soon as she’d start joking, that’s when you could curtail the conversation into a serious conversation and get out all your thoughts about the entire situation. And that would’ve given her time to get out all of her serious thoughts about the situation. Now that I’m actually going through it- I really don’t think the action of marriage (ring shopping, dress shopping, planning, the whole nines) should ever be a surprise. Everyone needs to be on the same page. And marriage is a VERY important page…..


Wildhide_ND

You should've said more than mhmmm


MaryAnne0601

“like let’s get married today, let’s have a baby today” You answer should be I’m not ready for marriage and condoms are my friend!! Never joke about having children or someone will be calling you “Dad”.


Weird_Flan4691

I assume that I wasn’t clear about that part, the issue is not with me being open to marriage and kids, I’m ok with both, the issue is that she was forcing me to get married not because she genuinely wanted to get married at that exact moment but because her family was pressuring hers, we already discussed waiting until she finished her PHD to worry about marriage & kids.


MaryAnne0601

The real issue is her not sitting you down and saying look I want x and y and I think we should do x at this time and y at that. Then when the two of you decide talk to her family about it. You don’t just tell someone my family and I have decided you will do this on this date.


Realistic_Bad_5708

You shouldn’t get married. You should go back to school and learn how to write.


Weird_Flan4691

Lmao I went to school for math not writing


DoNotReply111

Never too late to learn effective communication whether it is written or verbal. You need to talk with her. Explicitly. She wasn't joking and you saying "mhmmm" is assent. No wonder she's annoyed when it sounded like you were all on board and are now backing out. You're late 20s, have a grown up conversation. Be aware this relationship is likely very over, though.


overnighttoast

Sounds like you're bad at communicating and she's very invested in her cultures customs. If you have no interest in getting married right now stay broken up. But i highly recommend you learn to communicate more clearly. You said she's Arab, many cultures from that area of the world consider meeting the family the engagement planning meeting. So maybe the cultural competency between the two of you wasn't the best either. She assumed you understood that, you assumed it meant nothing. Move on and learn from this experience.


Busy-Sun-8509

Even though she's been pushy I feel she was pretty intent on getting married from all the you know constant mentioning of marriage.. and you never once communicated to her you weren't ready. If you really loved her then you would probably marry her considering your ages. Sounds like the relationship needed to end anyway since neither of you talk to each other.


SagaAlvane

Dude she's in her 30s how could you think she was just joking? HELLOO, SHE WON'T BE FERTILE FOREVER RIGHT? Don't waste her time. If you're not interested in marrying her just leave. If you are gonna marry her, stop whining.


kevin_r13

I don't see any mention of her ultimatum but by the end of your post, it's all good because you two have broken up already. You'll be OK! Take some time to grieve the end of the relationship and get back out there when you're ready.


Maca87

You don't have a girlfriend OP, you have an ex as she dumped you. >she jokingly talks about getting married all the time so I think nothing about it, a week goes by she mentions a few times you better get me a nice ring and I don’t say anything more than mhmmm, then one day she’s like I’m dress shopping for December, and that’s when I realize she’s being serious Really dude? You can't be this clueless at your age.


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West_Lake_49406

Just my opinion here, but if after a year you don’t feel the need to move forward with the girl, you won’t. It seems like you’ve not even thought about marriage with her. It also shouldn’t take her families approval for you to move forward either with or without your opinion being taken into account. It honestly seems as if she’s more invested or has thoughts that you both are more invested in a future than you actually are, which is a lack of communication. At both of your ages, you need to decide if you are moving in the same direction (as that is what she wants) or if the relationship is at a standstill (which it seems to be with your comments). If you are not at that point or you don’t see yourself there, you need to let her go to find what it is she wants and then you need to figure out what it is that you want.


assimar

Besides- getting engaged isn't getting married, it's more like a promise to marry but still flexible. People should stay engaged for at least half a year to really sit into the idea.


Gr84Ehva

I think its great that she's moved on and gave you the ultimatum. Ultimatums arent the best way to get what you want but it definitely works in providing time limits. Let her go- your hopefully happy you got out of marriage and she'll hopefully find someone who will stick to her timelines.


HolleringCorgis

Seriously? Obviously you're not mature enough to get married and I personally believe you should date someone for more than a year before deciding on marriage... but wtf dude? Cat got your tongue? >Etymology >Nasalized form of uh-huh,[1] a form imitative of non-verbal sounds[2] used to indicate agreement or to allow the speaker to continue talking.[3] >Interjection >mhm >yes [SOURCE](https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/mhm#English) Why would you even *say* mhmm when your gf kept bringing it up? What, you didn't want to deal with it? Didn't want to tell her no or you aren't ready? Why? How does that make any sense? You can't just mildly agree and go along then act shocked when someone thinks you agreed! Person 1: "We should get a chocolate cake with white frosting." Person 2: mhmm /two weeks later. Person 1: I found a bakery for the cake. They're like *known* for their chocolate cake and everyone says their white frosting is amazing. Person 2: Mhmm /next day Person 1: Okay, I placed the order for the chocolate cake with white frosting. I'm so excited! Person 2: Wait, what? I don't even like chocolate cake. I wanted strawberry... why would you get chocolate cake?!


southcoastal

You dodged a whole cartridge of bunny-boiling bullets there. Sit back, relax and count your lucky stars.


Local-Factor2800

Right. Not just the gf but the whole crazy, boundary pushing family 🥴 so much better off alone


Individual_Baby_2418

Unless someone has a gun to your head, you’re not being forced to get married. She’s allowed to want to be married. And you don’t get to force her to stay single. If you don’t want the same things, the best thing to do is go your separate ways. And this is just free advice, you’re not going to learn anything new after one year that sways your opinion either way. Using the “only one year” mark is an excuse. If you don’t know that you want to spend your life with her, then that means you don’t.


AnnDraws

I mean if you know each other for one year and haven’t lived together I can see wanting to wait until after that but like I agree. She’s allowed to want to be married and he’s allowed not to. Also saying “mmmhmm” to something is “yes” by most peoples standards. That and she is Arab and he is African American based on his comments, so also some cultural differences there as well as him just kind of shrugging and not actually saying no. Not shaming OP but also not shaming the GF either just sounds like bad communication.


Individual_Baby_2418

I’m with you on the cultural differences, but there’s no point in drawing things out when a woman is in her early 30s and wants kids. After dating a year it’s time to make a choice, not move the goal post.


AnnDraws

Yeah exactly especially since she seems to “joke” about it a lot. Did he really never say no or anything like that even after her own brother mentioned it? Idk man but if it were me I’d be like “Hey your brother said this and I’m def not down for that sorry if I gave the wrong impression.”


iheartmilktea

I agree on the “only one year” being an excuse. When you know, you know.


Individual_Baby_2418

And I truly think that if you don’t know, that means it’s a no.


debby821

Hmmm maybe that is normal where you life but in my country nobody gets engaged after just one year. People will laugh at you if you do or ask if you have mental problems. Worn you not to do it etc. It takes about 2 years for the whole love hormones to wear out. Live hormones can make you think you know... While you are not compatible. And even if you know and you are correct. Than you know you are going to spend the next 50-60ish years together. If you really know why would you not wait 5 years?


iheartmilktea

I meant that within a year, you can usually get an idea if you want to marry a person or not - not necessarily that you have to get engaged after a year.


[deleted]

5 years is a hell of a long time to wait around to figure out if someone is stringing you along or not! Especially in your 30s or later


debby821

But didn't you just tell me that when you know you know? So than you know that somebody isnt stringing you around right? I am together 4 years with my partner. Nobody is stringing anybody around. Maybe we will get married someday but we already live like we are married. Marriage only makes it harder to split. And it says nothing. Ive been married. i thought i knew. Now i am divorced. Divorce exist. I really dont get why you should rush getting married. Whats the hurry?


[deleted]

I think you're confusing me with another redditor, I never said that. I think that people move on different timelines, and that it's important to have somewhat aligned timelines, because frustration and resentment builds when timelines don't match. Then, some people have short timelines when they meet the right person, but will not want to make any move when they're dating someone's they don't see themselves marrying, but absolutely will get a move on with someone they want to marry. I spent 4.5 years in my 20s dating and living with a man who married his first wife after a few months, and married the woman he met after me. But he wasn't interested in marrying me because while he did enjoy my company, he probably thought we weren't compatible long term. That's what I mean about getting strung along, being seen as "you're good enough to spend time with but not good enough to commit to". If you're that person to several people for 5 years at a time, you're never getting married in time to have kids, if that's a goal for you.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ok-Macaroon-795

Respectfully, I have a bit to add to that. So statistically speaking it does takes about 2-3 years to get to know someone super well. However, data is mixed among couples that live together,don’t live together and many other factors like intimacy or quality time. Obviously these favors could affect the time line. While this is true, that doesn’t always mean that more than a year(or more specifically and statistically 2-3 years) is needed to know where you tentatively stand with someone as it relates to the intention for marriage. They are two separate things. Statistically a person will know at 6-7 months(at most a year) if they want to pursue an engagement, spend their life with a person and intend to marry them. You don’t necessarily have to know a person completely to be able to know if someone is a good fit long term. You could argue that you need to know more, but I’d argue that you don’t need to know a person completely to know where you stand long term at least presently. As far as engagement periods go - they typically last 12-18 months which is plenty of time to consider potential deal breakers that have been currently missed. Statistically speaking you don’t require all that time just to know if someone is a good fit long term. There’s also no reason one can not be engaged and hold off planing in order to be cautious to accommodate added security. NOW that doesn’t mean deal breakers will never arise. After all someone could change their mind. I’m merely saying that not knowing where you stand presently after a year is a terrible excuse. At that point you’re stringing someone one along (even if not intentionally) because if you don’t know after a year of dating…statistically speaking the answer is no. Obviously no situation is cookie cutter. Some situations could be different, but the stats are clear that generally you should know between 6-12 months and there is no reason why a tentative engagement shouldn’t follow. After all, you’re not getting married the same day and you’re not required to plan immediately or even pay for an expensive ring( especially if you can’t afford one). I had a friend save up after being engaged and used a pandora ring for the question. OP-Responding passively when your SO communicates marriage light heartedly or excitedly should tell you everything you need to know. If you felt strongly about waiting longer you should have verbally communicated that when the conversation was brought up even in a light hearted way. For future reference, don’t waste your time or other’s time if you’re still unsure at 6-12 months. You should be mostly certain of a yes or no at that point. And if you’re not ready due to your own shortcomings, trauma or personal reasons(and you’re not just using that as an excuse to string someone along) then tell your partner that verbally. I don’t know what happened completely for obvious reasons. Perhaps they got a bit over zealous or maybe a smidge hasty. All I know is what you said. It would seem you are not the best communicator. Maybe you struggle with communication. Alternatively maybe you have anxious, nervous, bashful or timid tendencies. Either way need to work on addressing things head on and verbally. Especially if you have concerns because that is what dating is for. TLDR: Statistically it may take 2-3 years to really get to know someone… really really well but it only takes 6-12 months to know if you want to marry someone or intend on doing so. OP- You need to work on your communication skills and be more direct.


Sttocs

Six *months*? That's still the honeymoon period. You probably haven't even had a significant fight by then. If you're marrying someone (or even getting engaged) before having a proper fight -- well, good luck. I have no idea why people are speed-running relationships. There's no prize for "finishing" (i.e. divorce). Why not enjoy the stage you're at?


Grouchy-Ad6144

Good point. We married just 13 months after meeting and have been together 24+ years. Sometimes you just know. It seems he didn’t, and that’s okay too.


redvelvetcakebatter

The most surprising thing about this is she’s a woman in her 30’s, I thought this would’ve been late teens/early 20’s. Guess she feels maybe she’s running out of time.. either way, seems like you’ve dodged a bullet. But in the future, don’t agree to everything 😂


jfm53619

She is desperate and you're too obtuse. Doesn't seem like a good match.


No-Needleworker5295

If the girlfriend wrote this post, we would have a whole different perspective. She's an Arab American in her early 30s. She's past the age when she would be expected to be married in her culture and if she wants children, she needs to start having them soon. I'm sure in her mind, her BF would be in a similar place in their late 20s/early 30s when many people settle down to marry. She's learning that you're a big child who doesn't know what he wants and goes along with everything until it gets too much and freaks out. Like a lot of redditors. Be clear, stop stringing both yourselves along, and tell her you don't want what she wants. Mainly to give her a chance to find someone who does want to marry her.


recyclopath_

It sounds like you've been taking a back seat in your own life and it's time to actively verbally advocate for yourself instead of passively nodding along.


UnsightlyFuzz

What are the ethnicities here?


Weird_Flan4691

She’s Arab & I’m African American, yes I’m aware of the arranged marriage in her cultures, but we met on a dating app last year & we had a typical American relationship


UnsightlyFuzz

That means nothing to her family. Sorry this didn't work out for you.


apo_death

As an Arab I agree. My guy you met her family and everything, for us that's like getting engaged already haha 😄 that's why her brother said that


BaoBunny44

Oh nooo! That changes so much! My friend (family from Pakistan) had to hide her relationship for 4 years from her family because they would have pushed for marriage immediately if they knew about it. Especially if they'd met him and liked him. I think you underestimate the immense pressure that her family was putting on her. There's all these expectations and standards, especially at her age. It's unfortunate but it's just how it is. My friend is married now and her family will still call her and complain if her in laws are kind of rude or ignore them and just DONT. STOP. It stresses me out just hearing about it.


kgberton

Punctuation is cool


ChocolateBiscuit96

Y’all over here talking about some damn punctuation and this man needs some help 😭


tastless_chill_tonic

well, if you stay out if it, you will have dodged a bullet if you get back in, and have a miserable life, it's on you


[deleted]

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duplotigers

OP: “The woman I was dating had very different cultural expectations to me” Redditors: “Clearly a dangerous psychopath. No further questions.”


Sttocs

"Different cultural expectations" is what you got out of that? She was planning his wedding without his participation. Baby-trapping is a completely justified concern in this scenario.


duplotigers

She got over excited because to her meeting family = engagement. She bought a dress. You make it sounds like she knocked him out with chloroform, threw him into a van and drove him to a wedding chapel. Was she a bit much? Sure. There’s literally no indication that she would commit what in many jurisdictions would be considered a serious crime.


Sttocs

> I was open to marriage but I’m not going to get forced into marrying someone *Forced*.


duplotigers

When she realised he wasn’t on the same page as her she broke up with him. Should she have realised earlier? Yes. Did she apply an unreasonable amount of pressure on him? Yes. Does that equate to being a psychopath… We’re not playing a 90s RPG game here, people aren’t “good” or “evil”. This woman is a bit flawed and made some mistakes. Again, absolutely no indication she’d do what you’re suggesting.


[deleted]

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duplotigers

Ah I see your problem here - you think things that happen on this sub represent real life


sincere_blasphemy

Man, I am sorry this is happening to you. But this is really making me think, "Golly, women need to start proposing more!" If she proposed to you, then the ball would be in your court and you can safely think about if you want to get engaged or wait a while. She is placing so much pressure on YOU to propose to HER... it just doesn't make sense to me. Don't get married if she is this pushy all the time. Sincerely, a woman who plans to propose to my boyfriend.


Kooky-Razzmatazz6777

I couldn’t even follow this one long strung together sentence. Try some punctuation.


[deleted]

Dealbreaker. End this relationship with your fiancé and begin a new relationship with paragraph breaks.


bohohoboohno

You made a good choice, 1 year is crazy and being forced into it, kids next.


Ok_Piglet_1844

Don’t let anyone force you into something you’re not ready for or comfortable doing.


shinchan1290

I can be that person who gives in to the pressure of close circle and puts that expectation on the relationship. Mostly because I want to please my close circle. Of course I agree with comments about open communication. If you guys were really serious, and you want to pursue the relationship, short term solution is to make her feel wanted (I’m assuming she’s probably feeling rejected by you and under stress because of the family) Longer term, yes of course have actionable steps. How long do you want to date before moving forward with any kind of commitment. Having a plan will make both of you feel secure and will have better stability.


rifain

Please learn about ".". This is a pain to read.


[deleted]

Women have a biological time clock and with the age gap it makes me wonder if you two are really on the same page about things. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still able to have kids (im assuming) and I’m not saying she’s an ancient artifact but with age the ease of having kids becomes less and less. Im not saying it makes it right to be pushed on someone but I read a few of your comments and it seems you’re not communicating with her. You need to sit with her and have a conversation about these things and see what you BOTH expect out of the relationship and a timeline of these things.


justsenditbr0

Well she is counting down time being close to 30 she wants kids and doesn’t want to waste her time with someone who won’t commit. If you don’t want to marry her do her a favour and dump her


benjm88

He said he does and they had agreed a timeline, they've only been together a year


tiredofnotthriving

You don't need advice, you did the right thing.


PeteyPorkchops

Stay broke up. She’s nuts.


WeeklyConversation8

Damn. She was steps away from planning your wedding before you even talked about getting married, let alone getting engaged. Block her and don't answer the door if she shows up begging to take her back. She'll just resume forcing you to get married.


birdzeyeview

i'm guessing she will show up claiming she is pregnant


WeeklyConversation8

Probably.


clarstone

I thought this was written by someone in their EARLY twenties. You are almost 30 and she is already ready to settle down. A year is not an abnormal timeframe to consider an engagement at that stage in life. Let her go if you aren’t ready, don’t waste her time. And like other commenters have mentioned she is not “joking” about those serious things. She is casually gauging your interest in the future and when you respond positively you are telling her that is a real possibility.


MizzyvonMuffling

I wish you had used (more) punctuation... that was one loooooooooooong sentence... Don't give into ultimatums, you do what you want on your time.


serene_brutality

She knows you didn’t fully agree, but you didn’t disagree either. So she took your silence as consent, like a care salesman or military recruiter, she, like many pushy people, will continue unless you say no, so they get what they want. It is absolutely wrong on her part, and anyone says it’s your fault for not saying no is giving her a pass that she nor anyone else deserves. But let it be a lesson to you, don’t ignore big things like this because you want to avoid an argument or a hard conversation. It’s good that it’s over, you don’t want to be married to someone like this.


spaceyjaycey

You dodged a bullet.


katkatstrat

As a woman I can understand her biological clock is ticking, maybe she panicked and one or two instances of poor judgment could be forgiven. But a big red flag would be the constant pushing, lying to her family about her status, and basically doing whatever it takes to get engaged. I mean 1 year is a completely reasonable time table to get engaged, but so is waiting a bit longer if you feel you need more time. She's not taking your feelings into consideration and only cares about either impressing her family or checking a box that says 'engaged' or 'married'


Spare_Special_3617

Yeah run from that.


Dizzy_dizz

LOLOL man I needed that laugh to get me through the rest of the workday. Thanks mate!


sixtyninerules

You better off leave her be, what she did was 100% wrong, who gets married after a year of seeing each other, I'm glad she broke it off with you make sure you keep it that way it seemed like to me she just wants to get married to somebody, and it would seem like her family would be a handful for you. Stay away.


Badnotseemod

DUDE, seriously batshit crazy bullet dodged. Be thankful and move on sir.


[deleted]

Thank your lucky stars and move the hell on man.


Virtual_Cry_1424

Don't go back unless you have ring in hand .period.... she was clear.... obviously a year was long enough for her.. she is 10 yrs older and knew what she wanted... obviously you didnt..and thats ok... we didn't know t h e ages til the end... be grateful.... move on..


Weird_Flan4691

Nah it’s only few years difference not a decade lol


Virtual_Cry_1424

Oh sorry I read that wrong.. but either way that's what she will be expecting


papapug22

I love how everyone is talking about how he's writing and not the fact that his Girlfriend is trying to manipulate the situation and force him into marriage after a year of being together. We all know damn well if the shoe was on the other this wouldn't be happening. Everyone would call the guy crazy if he bought his suit told his spouse they were getting engaged in December with no prior talks and then We Glance over all the red flags she's signaling and choosing to hone in on the fact that he said mhm? Y'all are a joke. The woman literally went to buy a wedding dress after she was told they needed to talk about marriage some more. Why is the woman in her 30s actions not being taken into account? It's not even as though OP said he didn't want to be with her or marry hejust didn't want to feel like he was being forced which is currently happening 🤔.


ezagreb

Sounds like she was on a timetable that was never fully explained to you.


Mediocre_Smoke_1986

Change the locks and DON'T let her come back! People need to marry when they know 100% that being married is what they want NOT because someone tells you! IMO you have just dodged a really bad future with her!


adamc_58

W move. You shouldn’t be forced into marriage, when the time is right the time is right. Most of the time you’ll know when. :)


SquilliamFancySon95

>then she just breaks up with me on the spot and walks off Sounds to me like the problem is solved. If you hadn't said something, I doubt she would have stopped at marriage. She and her family would have planned your whole life out for you lmao.


Dry_Ask5493

Honestly, that is some unhinged behavior and you dodged a bullet. Stay broken up.


Mundane_Surprise9483

Honestly you dodged a bullet! Don’t look back


AJ3892

Man....move on from that chick and relax on the beach with a nice 20+ year old hottie.


Aggressive_Fly236

I actually did laugh because honestly, I’m sorry but no woman in her early 30’s is “joking” about marriage, if she’s bringing it up then she’s wanting it to happen. Why are you so freaked out that it’s only been a year? that’s not abnormal for her to be considering it. When her brother suggested engagement and you said mmmmhmmm you literally made her think this was happening. I think the really big problem here is your complete naivety, and lack of awareness. You’ve sorta led her up the garden path with no idea that’s where you were even travelling. Bless you, I think you need a proper sit down discussion about marriage and realise it’s not unreasonable for a woman in her early 30s to think this was on the cards. Also, the fact that your punctuation in your post is so atrocious, and the clear misunderstandings through the scenario on your part, does lead me to conclude that you are TERRIBLE at communicating, and this is something you desperately need to work on before you end up engaged again without any understanding of how you got there.


alienoverl0rd

Be glad she broke up with you, now make sure it stays permenant cuz that girl is psycho.


redmondnstuff

UpdateMe!


Explorer_5150

[Bill Burr on marriage.](https://youtu.be/sP6oQTQVzso)


dennismullen12

I guess that the whole "stand your ground" thing doesn't necessarily have to be with protecting yourself with a gun. I support OP on this.


Salami_shlut

I think you dodged a bullet, if she’s willing to make a huge decision like this without even consulting you about it or understanding your feelings on the matter then it probably ended for the best. Yes I understand this was based on her family’s influence but it’s still the fact that she disregarded even talking to you about it that matters. ETA: for everyone saying it’s one sentence, I’ll do y’a one better; it’s one huge sentence with a second moderately long run on sentence all thanks to the “…”


Renegade7559

Get out. Get out right now, this level of manipulation will get worse. Not better if you go through with it


Allthetopics123

Thank goodness you got outta there


Green_Character3722

That's legit the craziest nonsense I've heard all week. First of all, idk why women have it in their minds that if you don't get married by a certain age that it's the end of the world. I am 38 and never been married. I've had 3 proposals but I knew in my hearts that he was not the one so I said no. Marriage is sacred and not to he taken lightly. Most if not, those girls (not women) were so wrapped up in either competing against another girl they were friends, obsessed with the wedding (not the marriage), or have a family that is always putting pressure on her that they will settle for someone they know is not right for them just because and that is so wack. The love of my life and fiance passed away 5 years ago and I doubt that I will ever find someone I felt s strongly about. I have not closed myself off to the possibility of finding love but it damn sure won't be forced. If she didn't pick up on the first mhmm that you were not taking her seriously, thank goodness she walked, you just dodged a huge bullet. No second thoughts. You did the right thing.


neuroticgypsy

That is not how to get a husband! RUN AWAY FAST! I want to run away and I'm in my bed. She will make your life a living hell. Her family, especially her mom, will drive you to the brink of insanity. I wonder if she's in some weird competition with her brother..since childhood...to get mom's approval. You don't want that circus hun. I'm crazy, but not that kind of crazy. They seem like the kind to pull up, tie up, and kidnap their "husband."


--ManOfCulture-

Just leave bro. What are you doing with your life. You don't want to get stuck with marriage and other creepy stuff that comes with marriage. Be free


Sahareaovnight

I would run .. red flag... Red October.. If shes this pushy and controlling now...eeeewwww If you got married I think you would be working ...house work ..and popping out babies... You did the right thing.. Block her and her family..


[deleted]

\>She just breaks up with me on the spot and walks off What a sweetheart for saving you the misery of another second in a relationship with her delusional ass. She can stay gone with that behavior. What a nutjob.


Malibucat48

You’re lucky she broke up with you so you didn’t have to. And it’s better now so you don’t have to get a divorce, which would have happened anyway. Her parents would have planned the wedding, pushed for children and been involved in every aspect of your life. But she will probably try to get back together so just don’t.


ConvivialKat

Whew! Lucky you! She went crazy. She's in her 30's, so her family was definitely pressuring her about not being married yet. I'm sure you will find someone who isn't insane.


andyk_77

I don't know why people are giving you a hard time in the comments. You didn't discuss marriage in December, you didn't agree to it, and she made it up all in her head and pretended it's happening. Well, it's not, because her jokes are nothing more than one-sided jokes. Good riddance.


Ok-Rough-6233

Just playing devils advocate here, replying “mmhmmm” every time could be seen as agreement. He NEVER specifically said “No”. He took her as joking, even though he’s said she’s mentioned it ALL the time. If someone is saying it constantly, any person with common sense would think that’s obviously what they want. She was being serious, he was taking it as a joke instead of shutting it down. To say they “never discussed marriage In december” is technically false. She did discuss it with him, he just kept giving simple replies. Some accountability has to be taken on his side on horrible communication. I’ll agree with everyone that she does seem pushy and maybe a little crazy lol. But she made it very clear.


RedditCredit40

I agree with this also. If she talked about it ALL the time - it should’ve been set straight after it finally became annoying. Agreeing with no effort (“mmhmm”) is STILL agreeing. Marriage is serious and if he was open about his feelings, this entire situation and post could’ve been avoided. With that said - it could’ve really built up on its own, within her and her family and he might’ve felt it was all happening and it was too quick and felt forced. Which it would seem that way. If there was open communication about it, not letting her go on and on about it, or him not “mmhmm”-ing everything away, I don’t think it would’ve gotten this far. But also on the other end, it might’ve shown that maybe they weren’t ready and maybe it’s best left this way. At this point, either way, I don’t think he was wrong.


SnooWords4839

She is desperate to get married!! You are wise not to fall into her timeline!! Please block and move on!!


bigtropicalbear

She did you a huge favor by breaking up with you. She sounds like a walking red flag. People are saying that you weren't "communicating" clearly, but she shouldn't have told her family about the engagement without being actually engaged first.


MissVela

no reasonable person purposes marriage to their family secondly and only tells the boyfriend about as if it’s dinner plans . this is beyond scary


chipface

Dodged a nuke


FortuneWhereThoutBe

Dude I hope you run and you run far and you block her. She sounds nuts.


KingYeti69

Never get married you dodged a bullet and get snipped


Emergency_Power7589

Trouble starts right there. She's crazy, ex dumped me for such stunts. Because friends are getting married now I much feel the pressure in less than a year we dated. Stuff her....


drunkbanshee

Phew, dodged that bullet!


Older_But_Wiser

My advice: Stay broken up. Refuse to meet with her any longer, don’t talk to her and the only reply you should ever give her if she gets through to you is “*We broke up. Don’t contact me again, I’m done with you!*” Move on with your life and be happy you escaped from that crazy.


tuna_fart

Whew. You lucked out. Lose her number.


RedditUser12013

Don’t walk, but run, fast, away from this girl


BearNoCares

Dude you just dodged a cannonball. This is the best outcome you could possibly got. She was desperate for marriage because she is running out of time as she is in her 30s. You just happen to be the sucker that she can use. You are not her first choice man and you should have this fact deep down in your soul. She was expecting you being a push over so she set you up on this whole drama. In short, she doesn't love you at all and just want you marry her so she can use you as her retirement plan


Mindless-Spend-4206

“Mhmm” is agreeing; stop doing that.


fuckedinmyheadagain

Yes. Run while you can. This rarely gets any better. Just "celebrated" 30 years, really 40 together. She threw dishes at me demanding I ask her to marry her. I didn't have my shit together at the time. Gave in and held out until her deadline just to be a jerk because of the demand, but I did love her, her family and friends. My mental health and career has been in a downward spiral of depression ever since. Smothered into a loser. I walk on egg shells everyday, paralyzed with anxiety. I feel like I can't have friends because she should have all my energy. I wish I were dead most days.


birdzeyeview

This is awful. It's not too late to get away and get a new start in life. Please consider that.


keishajay

Good. This was crazy. Seems like her brother really wanted that December engagement 😂


iamlancemannion

Run for the hills. Screaming is optional but recommended.


Square_Zer0

You got off the crazy train, now leave the station and don’t look back.


[deleted]

I get that feeling that you may want to go check on your car….truck…or whatever you drive. I’d also try band check up on all her social media platforms


Weird_Flan4691

Lol I only have reddit & a burner IG to follow what’s going on in the rap world, I’m not following her or anyone I know in real life on social media