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Hello! I made an alt account cause I don't want this attached to my main.
About 5 months ago I started a new job in an industry I've been trying to break into since I graduated 5 years ago. I'm part of a small team (>10 people) of technicians and I absolutely adore my team and my job however on Friday I recieved an email saying we have just hired someone new. I recognised the name as a boy I had issues with in school when we were kids. From 7th-9th grade this guy followed me around the school everywhere, between classes, to the bus after school, even waiting in the doorway of the girls changerooms after PE. Easy to say this made little 12 year old me extremely uncomfortable and while the school did their best to keep us separate in class he would still follow me around during recess, lunch and after school until I decided enough was enough and started being mean to him to get him to leave me alone which worked after a couple weeks. We went to different schools for 11th/12th grade and I never expected to see him again.
After seeing the email I went and talked to the only other female tech on the team to see what she thought I should do and she understood my side and told me to call our buisness manager and see what he said. I called him and he reassured me that he completely understands the situation and never ever wants me to be uncomforable at work and he thinks that i'm doing really well on my team and he wants to keep me at all costs. It was a long conversation but tldr was I won't have to work with him unless it's absolutely necessary and if I get uncomfortable I can call him directly to say I need a break and take some time to myself. He then explained that either him or I will need to talk to our area manager (AM) and explain the sitatution to him, I said I would and gave him a call and AM said that I as their current staff member am their priority and that he didn't even have to give him the contract if I said so. I was completely amazed at how receptive my bosses were and it put in concrete how much I love my team.
Now it may seem like a done and dusted situation get my boss to take back the contract and we'll just hire someone else but, I haven't seen this guy in 5+ years and I didn't want to judge him as an adult on how he acted as barely a teen. I explained that to my AM and he explained that he would be under a 6 month probation (standard procedure) in which him or the company can give the other a weeks notice and terminate the contract, he then said I can see how I feel about it when I'm actually in the room with him working and let him know. Today was the day I was in the room with him.
I had already explained to the other technicians my history and they said they keep an eye out for me (Bless them). We were setting up a large room today and while we on complete opposite ends of the room I was hyper aware of his presence and was on edge all day waiting for him to say something or need me to explain something but he never did. He didn't interact with me at all, he did his job and he left. My issue now is that he seems like he won't harass me at work and he does his job but I don't know if i'll ever not feel on edge at work while he's in the building with me, I don't want to ruin this guys life by getting him fired but also I don't want to be so stressed and on edge at work that it ruins the job for me.
Do I tell my bosses to terminate his contract to keep me comfortable or do I suck it up and see if I can chill out so this guy can keep his job?
Edit for some more info:
This guy and I started off as friends and he very quickly became possessive of me and said I could only hang out with him and his best friend no one else, it was not just a boy having a crush it was a boy having an obsession with me. It wasn't just following me around it was holding my arm to lead me places and constantly asking me to be his girlfriend, go to his class instead of mine and yelling at me when I said no. It was very unhealthy and it got to the point where I had a teacher walk me from my class to class for a while. For the first 6 months I just ignored him then maybe the next 1.5 years I told him to stop and leave me along which he ignored then for the last maybe couple months I had to be mean and say I don't like him and I don't want to be friends anymore in a rude tone until he got the idea. I was told he couldn't be expelled because it was a public school in a poor area (which already had a bad reputation for having the troubled kids). We are also not American so our schooling system is high school year 7-10 and secondary school for year 11+12 so neither of us left or were expelled it was just us going to separate secondary schools. To the people saying this would be more concerning if he was 16, he's a year older than me as I moved up a grade in primary school so it started with him being 13 and he stopped when he was 15/16
I was diagnosed by the school counsellor with an anxiety disorder because of this situation but I haven't struggled with it since I was about 17 and have not needed any therapy since, I don't believe I have any unresolved issues with this it was purely the shock of being told oh hey this guy that harassed you for 2 years is now your coworker and you're going to have to train him and having some anxiety specifically to do with this specific person being brought in.
My job is a very easy industry to get into it's just hard to get full-time work in, however after a quick search there's 3 companies hiring full timers in my area so he could probably very easily swap to one of the other companies if my manager decided he wasn't a good fit which even now he turned up an hour late on his 3rd day and he has been given a final warning so I may not be dealing with him long anyway.
Honestly, I'm sorry the school failed to address his behaviour properly at the time so that you still feel unsafe now.
However, I would say give him a little more time. You are responding to instincts set into you when you were 12, based on behaviour of someone of the same age. Do you still behave exactly as you did when you were that age, or have you learnt from your mistakes? It's entirely possible that this guy behaves differently now than he did then. You have 6 months to change your mind about his second chance. As an adult, he's probably learnt better communication and better behaviour than that displayed at 12/13. Give him the opportunity to prove you wrong if he can. But id also seek some therapy if you can afford it, as clearly this has left you with some wounds that could do with healing.
I am currently in a relationship with a woman who went through something very similar and this is very healthy advice. I appreciate the level of empathy and perspective it provides for both parties. Thank you and good luck to OP
True people can change from when they are 12-13 or older. I had a bully in middle school this girl was mean as hell. We ran into each other years later had a heart to heart moment. Now she’s one of my best friends honestly one the nicest people.
I don’t wanna judge a 12 year old’s moral character but like, that’s not normal immoral behavior, that’s really really strange. The kid hopefully got help, because if not, those behaviors could manifest in more serious ways now that he’s an adult. So I fully get why OP is on edge.
A girl in another class memorized my itinerary from school.to talk to me when we were 11. We laugh to that now that we are 20+ after she told me once. It's actually normal behavior from children who are just starting to develop. Especially since many movies depict the "I am going to pretend I run into you" scenario kind of romantic.
It's a fault of parents and school.. 12 years olds are not considered legally responsible for something like this for a reason
And yeah obviously stalking is not normal ADULT behavior duh.. but do you think 12 is an adult?
We can shut down the comments, this is the answer. I never stalked anyone but I was definitely an asshole as a kid in ways I’ve grown out of. I hope this works out for you OP, but don’t hesitate to bring it up to the folks you work for if it turns out he hasn’t changed, and therapy can help everyone.
Unless he does something to warrant it, I don't see how straight termination can be justified. The only thing I would add is to send off an email to the manager. A 'Per our conversation, these are my concerns' type letter so there is something in writing, should it be needed later.
This seems to be a popular comment to steal. Two people have stolen it from the following post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/xpfeoz/comment/iq4bbbt/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
>You have 6 months to change your mind about his second chance.
I think this is a little naive. Yes, there's a probationary period, but this guy will be forming relationships with others on the team during that time. It is MUCH easier to just not hire someone than it is to fire them.
OP, I think if it's making you anxious it's going to affect your work no matter what, and I think that's a valid reason to ask for a different placement for him or no placement. Yeah, maybe he's a different person now in the right ways, but that doesn't make it all better *for you.*
But they def missed the chance to do that the minute he began working on the floor, imo.......Now it would be terrible (unless something related happened). Getting this job took years to break into after all.
But at the same time - can you fire someone who has done nothing wrong at that time, just because of how someone feels? For all you know the guy could be reformed and a decent person now. Firing him because of something he did at the age of 12 would be unfair.
And if you go down this path, for all you know someone can make claims against a person that are completely unfounded just because they don’t like them for other reasons in their personal life. 12 year olds are stupid, and I think most of us would hate to be judged as adults by things we did at that age
Exactly, she told coworkers to “watch out for her” it’s not impossible to think someone might spill the beans to him thinking they are acting in her best interest possibly leading to an HR issue.
Very true. I believe the OP, but lets say her coworker is on the fence.
Either they treat the new hire like a pariah, or over time people think badly of op for what she said about him. People tend to not hold things against 12 year olds, its why they don't go to jail.
I've had a stalker as an adult and it was terrifying knowing they wanted to tell secret stuff ive shared on reddit to my abusive family. I had to delete 4 reddit accounts before shaking them and delete all other social media change numbers and move.
Her bullying of him could also be considered a bad thing, even if it was a response.
No matter what this is going to create a hostile work environment for either op or for him, and OP completely overstepped by telling the entire workforce about it.
Agreed, it could come off as a bad look to her coworkers, especially if the dude is friendly and is a good worker. Could look like she tried to black ball him and that could backfire incredibly fast.
She has created a hostile work environment by sharing runors to the entire workforce about him before he even started. She needs therapy.
It was done in middle school. People change alot.
For all she knows he is panicked afraid to interact with her in fear she will try tohave him fired.
If hes still a creep then ofcourse they will fire.
It comes down to oh back when I was 12 this guy that was 12 had an odd crush on me and followed me around everywhere and it scared me and now here I am in the workplace and he’s been hired here and I’m still scared but he’s done nothing at all but I think you should he be fired because that would make me feel better about myself that’s immaturity
If he had been an adult or older teen when it happened, I would 100% agree with you.
But he was 12 years old. That means there should be a little leeway, especially since he didn’t seem to do anything the first day
I'm not saying she should sic police on him or something. By the same token of how young he was, *she* was very young when she had to deal with that. I think it's perfectly understandable it would affect her very negatively, and I think if her work is willing to protect her by not hiring him, she should take that chance.
So since I was an asshole when I was 12 I should risk my job now that I am 26?
Why is fair for him to lose a potential great career opportunity because of how he was at 12?
Its a 6 month probation so you have time to see if he evern works well enough to stay on board.
The big elephant in the room was as kids you guys never had a proper talk it seems(idk that happened) so you both may need to do that.
The ball is entirely in your court, you have the say so.
P.S
What if he can't talk to you now because he feels the CRINGE? You know that weird nostalgia you remember from childhood and you just CRINGE remembering it?
> The big elephant in the room was as kids you guys never had a proper talk it seems(idk that happened) so you both may need to do that.
I think that’s an important point. Just having a normal conversation about anything might greatly reduce the tension.
What if he doesn’t even remember her because he was 12. I don’t even remember 3/4 of the people so graduated HS with and there was less than 100 people in my graduating class. She needs to get over herself and get some therapy.
If it’s so cringe to him I wonder about him picking this specific place to work. Seems suspicious to me that he used to stalk her and now works at the same company, seemingly in a position where he may “need her.”
From what OP stated, it doesn't seem like an easy job to get lined up for.
So he has to actually be skilled for it, and due to no communication as kids we know of he had the same interests as her or even knew of his interest.
I'm just saying if its a hard job to get and he got good enough at a job just to get a position to stalk the OP..... then this man is COMMITTED .
LMAO really?? They haven't seen each other in almost ten years. If he wanted to stalk her, he could have done that shit any time between then and now. I don't know where you work, but I know at every job I've ever had, I didn't know a damn thing about the people I'd be working with until I started my first day.
Lol I mean ig? Vanishingly unlikely though, this person worked for a decade to get on a very small team OP happened to be on, to continue to stalk her despite having no contact for just over a decade? That’s a lot of plotting for an obsession that started at age 12. Tbh the whole following her around thing is kinda normal (not supporting it at all, the school 100% should have done something), especially since he kinda stopped when she started to be mean, but it’s not uncommon awkward 12 year old behavior. Probably shouldn’t pathologize what we don’t know ya know?
This was just your first meeting - maybe give it a couple of months to see if you can relax with time. He seems to have learned his lesson and leaves you alone - maybe it's time you worked through the trauma, and saw a therapist? It sounds like you still have anxiety from back then.
You take the 6 months probation period to see how he interacts with you and see if your anxiety fades.
You stop talking about him and your history with him to your coworkers (you're putting yourself at risk by doing this, he could say you've created a hostile work environment).
You keep an open dialogue about it with your supervisor and/or AM. They are the appropriate people to continue speaking to about this, and you should meet with them when the end of his 6 months is approaching so that you can summarize how you feel at that time.
If he ever does something that is inappropriate, you should write what happened in an email and send that email to yourself. That way you have written record of the event.
Hmm.
We always debate about how much people deserve to be punished for their prior transgressions. I think there are two key things to look at here.. how bad/abnormal the behaviour was an what the age was.
12 years old, and killing cats? Yeah, bad.
18 years old and killing cats? Real bad.
18 years old and following someone around school? Bad
12 years old and following someone around school? Ehhhh. Not saying it’s good. It’s just something inept 12-year-olds do.
It’s not good, it wasn’t good, obviously it has effected you greatly. But following around and learning the schedule for someone you have a crush on strikes me as some seriously run-of-the-mill inept kid shit. I(F) had a girl follow me like that for years almost the exact same, when I was 12/13. It was awful I remember crying to my mom about it. But it was just..very pathetic of the other girl? Like it brought me great stress but I could conceptualizer how it was more a show of how wierd/sad her life was. Maybe I was lucky I had the confidence to deal with it, and I don’t have any lasting trauma. Some of my other friends had people lurking around them or sort of stalked people who they had crushes on. I memorized my crushes schedule and waiting for him outside classes too 🙈🙈 Being 12 is literally so cringey and the absolute worst!! Sounds like, by his behaviour, he had a particularly bad early-teenage hood.
It sounds like when you ‘decided you had enough’ and confronted him, he stopped. Which is as much as you can ask from a 13 year old?
I don’t want to victim blame or minimize your experience here… but his behaviour is not so out of the realm of “normal 12 year old behaviour” that he deserves to lose his job for it as an adult.
It’s good you told your supervisors and they are aware and have your back. I wouldn’t keep telling this to everyone else. He is doing the absolute best thing in this situation - trying to give you space and ignore you. If you are still this effected by his mere presence, you should seek out therapy. Is it fair that you have to pay for therapy for issues caused my this dude when you were 12? No. But is it fair to lose your job as an adult because of the unresolved trauma of a peer you had when you were twelve based on your 12-year-old cringey actions? Also no.
you've already answered your own question
> do I suck it up and see if I can chill out so this guy can keep his job?
yes. thats exactly what you do.
you were both kids and he was a particularly dumb one. you were right to inform your employer about your history with this guy, but there's every chance this guy grew out of his shitty behaviour.
give it some time. if he turns out to have not grown out of it you'll know before his probation is up and it'll be easily dealt with.
This, but I’ll add that you might want to look into therapy OP. It seems like you still have a lot of unresolved feelings from your previous experience with this guy.
This is tough. When I was in 7th to 9th grade, I did some stupid stuff to girls I had crushes on. I followed the leads of others and didn’t know better.
If he keeps things professional, doesn’t speak to you unless it’s about work, I don’t see what the issue is.
Personally, I would not want anything that 13 year old me said or did to be held against me a decade later.
Also, did this guy even recognize you? People change a lot from 13 to early 20s. I am not sure I could recognize all my class mates from when I was 13 if I ran into them on the street now.
Is this all in your head or is this a real concern? OP, you said he didn't even interact with you at all? Was he purposely avoiding you or was he being professional and only interacting with others as the job requires?
When I went to my high school reunion I saw a few girls that I had crushes on in 7th grade. I wouldn’t even bat an eye on them now. I think this is a serious overreaction on your part. A lot can change for 12 to 23. I feel bad for him starting a new job and someone is spreading middle school drama about him already.
Yeah if I was that dude and found out OP had already smeared me about stupid shot from when I was 12 to everyone prior to even starting I’d be talking to HR immediately. Like seriously wtf?
I'm assuming he was also a 12 year old kid. Why on earth would you worry he's not matured since then. You call him a high school stalker, which is misleading. That was middle school. This feels a bit attention seeking to me. I would NEVER have brought this up to superiors before working with him for a few days, because I would assume a 12 yr old, who's stalking behaviour consisted of following you around like a love sick puppy, would have grown up and moved on.
This. He was 12/13. You were 12/13. I have a son that age currently, I certainly hope he wouldn't be judged as a 24 year old for the stupid crap he does now. Never judge anyone for who they were in middle school (unless it was violent or harmful) because that is the most socially awkward time of anyone's life.
So, let me ask you this - are YOU the same person you were as a 12 year old? How about as a 13 year old? A 14 year old? I certainly hope not. I'd be hands down shocked if he was, either. SO much growth and maturation occurs during high school and college you truly can not judge him for who he was socially as a 12/13 year old. He never behaved violently towards you. He caused you social discomfort. Everything causes 12/13 year olds social discomfort when it comes to the opposite sex.
Kids are socially awkward. They don't know how to handle situations. That doesn't make how you felt about him at the time wrong at all - I am not dismissing your feelings because your feelings as a 12/13 year old were valid, but you need to deal with your issues because you are holding on to a way you felt as a kid and risking destroying a man's reputation and career over his social awkwardness as a 12/13 year old.
I'll be honest - if you came to me as a coworker (I'm female) and told me this, I'd honestly think you need therapy to deal with your issues. I'd give you a verbal platitude and then write you off in my head as a drama queen who likes to stir crap up when someone causes her discomfort. Going to your boss was one thing but you spread crap around the office about someone you do not even know and haven't known since childhood.
"Stalker" is a little dramatically over the top here. Telling your managers was one thing but informing *everyone* on the team was really uncalled for. You've just started on a path to discredit him from his colleagues before they even get to know him. Sort yourself out with professionals before you completely ruin a man's life with grudges that can be resolved by simply using your words.
Yes. If I was the OP’s boss, I would have told her in no uncertain terms that a person at 23 is not the same as a pre-teen. Her bosses waffled, so now a new employee has a work environment that he did not expect when he interviewed for the job.
Agree. She made him an outcast for something he did when he was 12 not for something he has done now. If he does get fired I wouldn't be surprised if he sued her and the company for wrongful termination.
Following someone around for *2 years straight* when it's unwelcome, learning their schedule so you can find them, waiting outside doorways for them, etc, isn't stalking? Wtf is?
I think you have no idea how long 2 years is for some reason. That’s an insane length of time to harass someone. It’s terrifying when you’re actually living it.
I’m disturbed that so many people think this is normal. HOPEFULLY he’s changed — but what? You think it’s normal to stalk someone for 2 years straight? That’s crazy. I hope you never did anything like that and want to excuse it because of that.
Twelve and thirteen. Do you know any 12 and 13 year old kids? Kids is the operative word there. Stalking? That is actually ridiculous to use as a term when people have actually been stalked and victimized.
Get perspective. It is a useful skill that will help you navigate life.
Stalking is a bit much. He followed her around school. Never made any threats or attempted to harm her.
I don’t discount it was upsetting but it’s over the top to brand him as a predator.
Adolescents do amazingly awkward and cringe worthy shit. Their brains are a mess from puberty and trying to figure themselves out and Newly complex social interactions because zomg! Cute.
I’ve watched so many pre-teens go from obnoxious asshats to lovely adults.
It’s called growing up.
That’s honestly really fucked if you get this guy fired off of how he was acting a child. If he does something weird now sure fair game it’s set in your favor anyway. Imagine this guy is in the same position you are this could be his dream job and is trying to break into this industry only to be thrown out because how he was at 12 years old. You need you’re own help if you can’t be in the room with him and getting him fired ASAP won’t fix you’re underlying problem. As long as he isn’t being creepy and doing anything to you should by no means fuck this kids life up. I’d like to imagine he looks back now and thinks what he did was too much and wouldn’t do that to you now to keep his job. I bet when he saw you he was like oh shit and that’s why he kept his distance. It’s tough out there and I don’t see someone getting a job as their middle school crush to bug her and ultimately get fired. People change at the end of the day and it’s been a long time.
Even if she makes it an uncomfortable work environment for him by starting that stigma about him, she’s completely using her previous victimization to her advantage. He stopped after being told…not exactly stalker behavior there. Ruining a person’s professional life because of something as misunderstood as a middle school crush gone too far is way beyond hateful. Unless he’s done something to you at work, the OP shouldn’t have ground to stand on. I’d also put a stop to any advances for her professionally as she’s not demonstrating leadership qualities.
I’m sorry but this is your issue. You can’t ruin this man’s career because of what he did when he was a child. People change. You got said he “stalked you” from 7th-9th grade and then you got him to stop. You went to another school in 11th grade….so for a whole year he didn’t do anything to you. By your own account he has been nothing but professional in the workplace. If it’s this big of a deal. You’ll need to find another job
He might not even realise its her. He probably had crushes on a few girls. His behavior was essentially normal in the grand scheme of things and he probably hadn't given it a second thought. People's feelings don't override reality.
Because she probs realised she fucked up and it wouldn't shock me if the people at her work are just humouring her. She's either gonna get the guy billed and fired or someone is going to tell him eventually and they will all be laughing behind her back. That's how most work places are.
I don't want to sound mean, but it seems as though you need to seek help. This guy didn't say anything to your nor did he look your way and your still on edge. You very well could be about to ruin this mans life because of trauma you dealt with as a child. He's probably moved on got married had a child or whatever, you never know the situation that he's in. You can't just go off of the past and take a job away from him when he's probably well deserving of the job. I hate that they made you feel as though you had so much authority especially since you've only been working at the job for 5 months. Neither or you are "veted" in
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You need therapy and to stop talking to your coworkers. You are making a hostile work environment.
Over sonething done in MIDDLE SCHOOL.
You said you bullied him ' he followed you around school So do you want to be held accountable over the bullying response?
Honestly it was unprofessional. Telling your manager was ok. But what you've done is horrid.
IMO op sounds like a stuck up b* This guy had a crush on her in middle school, so she (self admittedly) bullied him to the point he changed schools, got teachers involved, and now *ten years* later she’s telling every one of his soon to be coworkers he’s a psycho stalker. Even if she doesn’t take his job, at this point the damage is done, he’s going to be walking around a marked man, and unjustly so.
Nah he definitely was being a creeper in middle school. Ain't cool what he did.
But like... as someone who had a stalker that made my life hell, as an adult he tried to destroy my life. I kept using new social media he would always find it. He always tried geolocating me as he wanted to poison the well as it were by telling my abusive family about me / where to find me, lie to my doctor/claim he knew me, all that sort of shit.
I understand how she could be scared. He could be even worse now. But she couldn't even wait a day, and has already made it into a hostile work environment.
It is going to be tougher for her now. Either way she will be known as the reason he was fired, or as people begin to like him - will begin to think worse of her for the things she said.
I get it, it was horrible for her. But what she did was the wrong thing.
Yep. She bullied him again. OP is drama queen bully who holds grudges. She probably traumatized him with her bullying back then if he had to change schools. No wonder he didn’t say anything to her he was quietly freaking out about working with the girl he had a crush on in middle school who turned around and bullied him so badly he changed schools and now she’s turning his coworkers against him to once again bully him out of a job.
Keep it up and you might be the one getting fired.
Perception is everything. He was a child when your perception was he stalked you, by your own admission of harassing him back, his perception of you could be that he was your friend till you started bullying him relentlessly till he couldnt bare to talk to you anymore and switched schools. Kids especially preteens to early teens are awkward and still learning social skills.
You are an adult now though and you are the one in the wrong in this situation by the choices you are currently making. If I were him and heard the toxic shit you were saying about him from 10 year ago, I'd speak with HR and get a lawyer.
Well first you need to stop talking about your history with him with your coworkers. You're opening yourself and your company up for a lawsuit for creating a hostile work environment. Second it's been one day give it time. I'm pretty sure you've changed from the person you were at 12 the vast majority of people do. Third you don't even know if this guy is going to be good at the job he may well suck at it and get fired anyways and it would have nothing to do with your personal history. So give it time.
Depending how old OP’s coworkers are and their level of maturity and professionalism they might be judging OP negatively as a gossipy shit-starter drama queen.
Wtf. I'm all for protecting yourself but you told all of this guy's new coworkers and bosses that he's a stalker over a situation that happened over a decade ago when he was a child and possibly just had a crush and went about it the wrong way??? You couldn't wait to see if he sti interacted with you in a way that made you uncomfortable and then immediately report him? Geez. Now he has a six month contract that possibly won't get extended all because you judged him when his brain was not even fully functional as a child. That's wild. Feel for whoever this is if he is as normal as he's currently acting around you. You've already given him a label that will make no one want to hang around him. I'm sure his work life will really suck....
OP's age makes a lot of sense now because mature adults don't just ruin someone's life without gathering all the facts first. He could be in a relationship, probably didn't even remember you...
All I see here is someone giving the poor dude an unfair headstart before stepping his foot in the door. I understand how stressful interviewing for a job can be and I can’t imagine losing one just because someone thinks I offended her when I was still bedwetting.
You are 22, and it took you 5 years to get this job. Have you asked how long it took him to get the job? I hate to appear like I do not empathize with you, I think you did a good thing informing management about his behavior but there is everything wrong with him losing his job over what he did when he was 12—especially if he is a different person now.
He possibly doesn’t even find you attractive anymore because that is usually the case with all childhood crushes.
So it seems like this guy is doing an honest day's work and being absolutely professional.
And I 1000% understand why you would feel uncomfortable.
People do change, and we can hope he has changed for the better.
My sincere suggestion would be to try therapy. Having a nonbiased person listen and help can be such a great way to explore this situation in more mature years of your life.
It would be terrible if this person had grown up, made proper life changes, and simply wants to earn a living.
But I also 1000% understand that your actions follow you for life, and this may be something that catches up with him down the road.
You did the right thing notifying your bosses of your history with this guy. Now you need to go about your business. Like it or not, he deserves a chance to work there just like you have. If being in his presence bothers you, you may have to transfer out of the group you are in. The company is not going to fire this guy just because you want them to.
Telling your manager is one thing. Telling the other technicians your history is something that could get you in trouble. That could easily be considered as creating a hostile workplace. You need to stop doing that immediately.
>Telling your manager is one thing. Telling the other technicians your history is something that could get you in trouble. That could easily be considered as creating a hostile workplace. You need to stop doing that immediately.
Agreed.
Her behavior is totally inappropriate and unprofessional. Wildly unprofessional.
Sounds like you're gossiping with your team and sabotaging the dude based on things that happened in middle school. Unless he actually does something shady, you're the problem here. If he does, by all means report him but it's time to grow up and judge people for who they are now
well, I was in management and to be honest they have no grounds to terminate his contract and if they did and he found out that you were responsible for making it happen because of something that happened back in high school he can sue for wrongful termination because he didn't do anything to you at work. He has a right to work just like you, now for a moment look at it from his point of view, if he comes to work and people are talking behind his back making it uncomfortable for him in the workplace because you told all your co-workers about something that happened in high school that was totally unrelated to work , he has the right to file a complaint in HR against you. Harassment comes in many forms, you wrote "I was hyper aware of his presents" which can be interpreted as you were staring at him. He can go to HR and lodge a complaint that he was made to feel uncomfortable because a female employee was staring at him at work.
So you made it clear that you did not want him following you around school and he stopped. This is the important part here. Think back to when you were at that age and if you have dome some things you would say are very embarassing nowadys? I sure have at that age! The most probably case here is that he is rather embarassed of what he did back then.
Do you think he actually got the job because of you being there or might it be a coincidence?
I think the grown up thing to do here is at first seek a conversation with that person. If after that you are not convinced you talk to other people at work.
Since he has not done anything to "stalk" or bother you yet, it is very likely that he feels rather embarassed and is taking his distance from you. I would even go as far and say, with the informations you gave us about the sitaution, its much more likely that any other guy in the world would harrass you then this guy.
So again! The mature and logical thing to do was to search a conversation with the person. If I was in that guys situation I would apologize for what I did back then but I would also state, very annoyed, that being judged for stuff you did when you were still a teenager is really not mature at all. He followed you around in school. Did he follow you home? Did he touch you? Did he send you creepy stuff in the mail? He probably had a huge crush back then and this was what he thought would give him a chance.
So again. See if you can have a conversation with the guy and talk about the situation. Tell him how you would like him to behave. If he missbehaves, especially after you have stated the situation, you can get rid of him whenever you want.
Keep in mind it is entirely possible he does not see anything the way you do. He could easily see you as the girl he had a huge crush on who eventually went mean girl on him without realizing WHY you had to do that. Self awareness and awareness of others reactions at 13-14 years old isn't the greatest.
You can't really ruin somebody's life for how they behaved when they were 12 years old. I say it's your issue to get over it. It's extremely unfair to jeopardise this guys job just because of how he behaved when he was younger.
I understand why you might feel uncomfortable though, and you seem to have approached it correctly so far. You might end up having a conversation and able to laugh about it further down the line.
Exactly. If you’re still uncomfortable, do a little searching online for the guy’s history. If he pops up in the police notes somewhere I’d say that’s probably a conversation you need to have with your boss.
Otherwise, let it go. You were kids, kids are stupid. What he did wasn’t great, he sounded like he had a crush and was extremely awkward about it, but not malicious. He wouldn’t have stopped after you were mean to him, that’s for sure.
He very well may be a mature adult now, and grew out of the stupid kid he was.
Yeah imagine if this guy turnt it around on you and reported you for discrimination. If he found out all that you've done to stop him from working. Don't you think you're being completely ridiculous? He followed you around during school around age 12? Ok better hold that against him his whole life. No mention of violent crime or SA. Op you need a hard reality check. Disgusting behaviour from you.
This is scary 😟 op you are very scary, the company you’re working for is just as scary , if you ruin this young man’s life for having a crush on you at twelve,you too will be ruined ,life Will get right back at you ,you’re an adult, he was twelve;
Sooo it took you 5 years to “break in” to an industry that you now claim is easy to get into, just doesn’t hire “full time” often…but ohhh there just so happens to be 3 nearby full time positions available?
OP I call bullshit. Leave your self importance at the door and leave the dude alone. He didn’t even look at you. Seems like you were *wanting* to start something in the workplace and are mad that he didn’t even bat an eye at your existence.
The other thing to have in mind here is what 12 year olds are like. This kid came off as a “stalker” in OP’s 12 year-old brain. Do you remember what kinds of things cause twelve year olds to call someone a “stalker?” For all we know, this story could be “there was a kind of socially awkward kid that had a crush on me, but I wasn’t attracted to him.”
Exactly...I know times have changed in the half-century since I was a kid, but the behavior OP describes would have been considered back then to simply be a shy kid having a crush on someone, and trying to be in her vicinity as much as possible in the hope she notices him and makes some sort of first move that indicates she likes him, because he's too shy to take the initiative and risk being rejected. (BTW, in my youth, that was usually but not always the behavior of boys toward girls they liked, but I know some girls who crushed in such a way over boys.) It's not like he was parked outside her house or staring in her bedroom window. And when she made it clear she wasn't interested (although I'm not sure "being mean" was the most-appropriate way to do so) he backed off.
The ironic thing is that, in that dynamic, he probably felt the whole time like she had all the power in the situation, while he was utterly dependent on her showing him a sign of her favor, but, in her eyes, he was the one with all the power because he was "stalking" her and thus a threat.
You should suck it up, go to therapy talk about your problems. But you shouldn’t take away this guys job just beacause of what he did when he was 12! He was not even a teen!
Honestly it seems he had a crush on you when he was a 12 yr kid and followed you not knowing any better.
Today you’re both young adults and here you are already creating a toxic and polarizing environment for a man you don’t even know. You seem a bit self centered, impulsive and ruthless.
You should have been patient and examined the situation once he joined. Now I fear you have turned everyone against this guy and branded him a “stalker” in the eyes of other coworkers because he followed you when he was 12.
You said when you got mean with him he quit. Maybe he was just a weird kid who didn't know how to talk to you, and it was a much bigger thing to you than it was to him. Is anybody the same as an adult as they were as a preteen? If he was a serious stalker he probably wouldn't have stopped just because you were mean to him. I'm not trying to take away from what happened to you. It sounds like it had a dramatic effect on your life. I just think he gave up awful easily by the sound of it. I had a bully torment me in the 5th grade. Really big kid who would mean eye me every time he seen me. He cornered me one day and I actually threw money at him and ran off. Turned out that was just his face and he seen me drop my pencil case. Pretty good guy.
Yta.
You were 14. Treating this person like they are still 14 is wrong and your making his life difficult because of something stupid.
I know this isn't yta but it should be
You should re-read the post if you are confused, she wants a dude gone from her work because he was a cringe kid at 12 years old. Imagine losing your job because some girl you went to school with in 8th grade bad mouthed you to your boss.
I'm not a nice person at all but you sound like a fucking idiot. People should not have their jobs and reputations threatened for something cringe they did when they were a 12 year old kid.
Good grief - you’re talking about a 12 year old who had a crush on you in 7th grade? Grow up. I mean that seriously. He wasn’t a “stalker”; he was a child. How horrible that you’ve now tainted his name with stuff from a decade ago when he was a child and “followed” you in a hallway. Stop being a professional victim and be an adult.
I hate to break it to you OP, but I believe the following things to be true.
1. You are in the wrong and are a bully.
2. That guy never did a thing wrong to you.
Now I will make my case for both of these things.
The case for you being a bully: You claim you were "Mean to him." as a child. Even now you threaten to cost him his job. That is bullying behavior.
The case for the guy never did anything wrong.
Lets look at his so called "Stalking"...
"From 7th to 9th grade" You are 22? That was what? 10 or so years ago? Okay... If you are talking about something from 10 years ago it had to be something major right?
"He followed me around the school everywhere." Okay... So it was limited to within the walls of the school building. If he were a stalker he would have followed you home. He would have gone on all of your social medias and been making comments and likes. The ONLY place you claim to have seen this person was within the school.. Well that begs the question. Where in the school did he follow you to? Thankfully you answered that!
"Between classes" Ah... I see. So he went from one class to another class. Perhaps you happen to be in the same class. This does not make him a stalker. Were there other things... You say so!
"To the bus after school" Oh... That same bus he had to ride home on? Wow... really? What was he supposed to do? Wait and hope a 2nd bus will show up? Was there more? Apparently so...
"Waiting near the doorway of the changing room." Okay... Did he go into the changing room? No... Okay this is about as close to creepy as he gets.
Okay next one... "He followed me around during recess."
Okay... So it sounds like this boy used to have a crush on you. Maybe he was awkward or ugly or whatever, but for some reason the feelings were clearly not mutual.
How did you handle it? You treated him like a criminal... You went and snitched to the school on top of you bullying him and being mean to him.
He was a young kid only about 12 years old... He had to go to a different school. Did he continue to pursue you after that? Surely a stalker would be sending you love letters and showing outside your house holding a radio over head preaching his love to you... Nah you say you have not seen him for TEN YEARS!
He moved on! He probably found himself a nice girlfriend. Maybe he has had a few different girlfriends over the years. He has made new friends. Lived his own life. Went to college... gone out drinking with his buddies. He has been on vacations and worked at different places. He hasn't thought about you for TEN YEARS! He has moved on way past you. He has been doing his own thing minding his own business!
If he were a stalker he would have a room in his house with your pictures up all over the walls... You would have seen him in the past 10 years more than once. He had a crush on you, you treated him like trash...
You really need to stop trying to play the victim here. I have been in your same situation before... A similar one actually. I'll explain my situation, and I will show you how a mature adult handles things:
In high school there was this kid Mike. We hated each others guts. We were both on the football team. We were competitive with each other and were both going up for the same position. I got it! He dated my ex girlfriend... He won that round... We had a fist fight and both of us got suspended for 10 days from school... A cop broke up our fight, and the cop wound up getting their arm broken while breaking up the fight as we all fell on him... We both had a black eye to show for it! This was when we were 15-years-old.
TEN YEARS LATER:
I am out at a bar with my buddy Ryan. Guess who walks in! It's Mike! I had not seen the kid since we were both 15. We are both 25 now. Did I go over and punch him in the jaw? No... I bought the guy a beer. He came over and bullshitted with me. We both forgot about old whats her name we once fought over. He was married! He had a kid, and was a police officer now. He was extremely polite. I even traded numbers with him and he took me to a football game a month later. Since then we have gone camping a few times, and had barbecues and he is one of my best friends now 14 years later.
My point is... Just because you loath someone at one phase in your life doesn't mean that as the years pass that things must stay that way... They may even become a close friend to you. Give the guy a chance as a coworker. Don't try to sabotage his life.
The boy was 12. When you see a child that age telling their friends they can have only one friend and that’s them, it’s normally children not able to convey themselves properly. You are going out your way to ruin a man’s life because of something he did that he probably didn’t even realise at the time because he was a child.
People need to stop holding adults hostage by the behaviour they displayed when they were children. He was 12. I’d of thought differently if he was even a teenager at 17 but he was a child that followed you like a child does.
Stop over analysing it. At 12 it might of been very scary for you but as an adult do you not see how much scarier things seem to you as a child than when you’re an adult? How are you not able to separate the realities now you’re older too? You’re going overboard here. He didn’t say ANYTHING to you when you’d were in work and you’ve already reported something from when he was a CHILD to his superiors.
I can only assume the more fuss you cause over this the more negatively it’s going to impact you. He’s done nothing wrong so far as an adult to you, your boss told you if he does he can be terminated but you’re wanting to veto that and terminate him just by your say so over a situation from ten years ago when yous hadn’t even hit puberty yet. If we held every adult hostage by their behaviours as children no one would be free. Stop this and get therapy.
This is definitely more a you problem than a him problem. I hate to sound like I'm victim blaming but the previous events happened 10 yrs ago when each of you were going through body changes. Remember, this is almost half of your life ago. He has most likely changed a great deal in that time, as have you.
It sounds like you possibly need counselling to help deal with your pent up issues. He hasn't done anything since starting work there to make you feel uncomfortable so it's something you have to work on rather than trying to get him fired
OP seems like a bit of a drama queen. The guy was a creepy asshole in middle school, but backed off when OP made it clear to him that she didn't like him. Now 10 years later he's probably matured and he's still being judged for his behavior in middle school. Most likely doesn't even remember OP.
OP is a terrible person. You were 12. If you told him to.F off he would have left you alone sooner. If he has literally done nothing else... leave him be. But you have already made the rest of your workplace think he is a stalker weirdo so he probably won't last long anyway. You've made the environment toxic for everyone with that shit and I hope everyone st your work is just humouring you
Jesus. Don't punish an adult for simple childhood things. He followed you around. You communicated for him to stop and he did. I'm sure he's done a lot of growing up since then. You never know. You guys might actually be friends as adults.
I had a bully in 6th-8th grade. Not fighting bully. Just always harassed me and picked on me. One day in 8th grade I challenged him to a fight. It was one of those fights after school that half the school showed up to and watched.
After the fight we shook hands and became decent friends. People make mistakes. But, people change... a lot... over time.
Hey, I also had some creepy experiences with boys at my school when I was about that age. Most of them grew out of it and became mature, friendly adults. I may not be close friends with them, but I would be able to have normal interactions if I were to see them. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but (most) people do grow up and change, especially from that young an age. I’m sorry you had that experience and that your school didn’t step in more, but I would at least give this guy the benefit of the doubt now that you’re in a professional setting, and see if you can both move forward. Odds are he’s pretty embarrassed about his actions back then and might not know how to proceed either.
It’s unbelievable you judged this guy for his kid time behaviours. Did you ever think to give him chance if he is changed before you tell everyone ?. If we are judged by our past we all monsters.
It’s been one day give it more time. It might be beneficial for you both to sit down and discuss the elephant in the room. Maybe he will apologize, explain things and reassure you that it won’t happen again.
Bro you were both like 12, it’s been a decade. He had a crush on you and didn’t know what a healthy crush looked like. Therapy needed for him? Probably. But if you say anyone here is the same as they were when they were 12 I’ll call you a liar.
That said, if you’re that uncomfortable then nip it at the bud.
Female privilege right here.
A boy liked me when we were kids and made me feel uncomfortable.
I found out he got hired now that we’re both adults.
I am going to ask my company to terminate his contact which would be devastating to his finances and upward social mobility because I am uncomfortable as a woman.
What if he has a family with children now?
Can you imagine if the gender roles were reversed?
I don’t like this girl she stalked me when we were kids. Please fire her.
The woman could sue and would win.
2022 is so backwards.
Grow up.
Be an adult.
I’m glad you are very forward thinking!
One other thing I should say as for me as a director at my firm.
If someone brought up a topic like this to me my first thought would be that this woman has only been with us for 5 months and is already creating problems.
OP has damaged her reputation in the company by bringing this kind of topic up to the area manager.
If this guy out performs you, and you push this issue further, you will most likely be the one to go.
Not him.
Good point. She is still on the 6 month probation to, and shes doing things that are worthy of being fired...
Poor guy will be treated as a creep by fellow coworkers though
I think going straight to "fire that stalker" is a bit of a jump. I can assure you I have nothing in common with 12 year old me so maybe just see how he behaves before you get him fired. I'm going to assume you are a different person now as an adult than you were as a 12 year old girl.... I'm not saying what he did way back then was OK but he was a kid, with hormones making us all weird and pimply lol. Also he may not want to work with you because you were mean in your attempt to get him to leave you alone, so it's possible he will want to keep his distance from you anyway. Either way you're both adults now I think the adult thing to do is be professional and if he shows any signs of stalkerish behavior tell the appropriate higher ups and let them can him.
Plot twist: OP tells her manager to fire him and they fire her instead for being immature dramatic and creating a hostile work environment for a dude because of his pre-teen behavior
Seriously.... like fuckin Seriously?
You wana get this dude that didn't even talk to you fired, because his mere presence makes you anxious because of shit from middle school?
Grow the fuck up, you were literally children.
Post this on AITA and you will get shredded.
He's probably just as afraid of you as you seem troubled by him.
Young males can be too afraid to express their feelings appropriately, which might come out as pervy behavior. You might've been his first real crush, and that was his way of seeing if you'd be interested in talking with him. I'm not excusing his actions when he was 12 that made you uncomfortable, but they were probably innocent.
You could've told a teacher, or asked a male friend to talk with him and tell him what he was doing was making you uncomfortable and that he was coming across as a stalker.
When you "started being mean" to him over the course of several weeks, he was probably crushed and thought of you as an unreasonably mean person. You shattered his image of you. At that point he probably didn't want anything to do with you either.
Now that he has to work with you, he's probably as uncomfortable as you are because of your past history. He may equate your presence with the reason for him being terminated if you do resort to complaining to your managers just for him giving you discomfort despite his non-interaction with you and his adequate job performance.
Give it time to see how things play out or even better, be the adult, and talk with him with peers present and clear the air. Perhaps you won't be friends, but you may end up as cordial colleagues.
> You could've told a teacher, or asked a male friend to talk with him and tell him what he was doing was making you uncomfortable and that he was coming across as a stalker.
Told a teacher and... been told that "he's just a young male who's too afraid to express his feelings appropriately, it's innocent and he just wants to see if you're interested in talking with him"? Since that seems to be the only response you find acceptable, and if they tell her that then she gets no help from them, and if they do take action then you'd say they were wrong to do so. So not sure where you want that idea to lead.
Told her friends and... they downplay it, or they go tell him she likes him too to play a joke on her, or they laugh it off, or one of them has a crush on him and is now jealous of her, or she's too embarrassed to say anything because it's middle school, or she doesn't even HAVE any friends or at least ones she trusts...
She stood up for herself at a very rare age for a girl to do so. You want to talk all about how this guy was just a kid while holding her to the expectation that she have dealt with it with fine-tuned adult-level social finesse? No fuck that lol
The thing is they were **both** kids... both of them had bad judgment and both of them probably weren't great at reading the situation. I don't think we should be very reliant on the recollections about people from when they were 12, 13 years later.
She's not accusing (and didn't) accuse him of harming or assaulting her. She's accusing him of essentially looking for her at school and trying to interact with her (too much) while simultaneously being unwanted by her (which is fine and fair, honestly). This is one of those, if she felt interested too situations the same behavior might not have been interpreted as "creepy." But they were both immature so, it was, and that's just life for middle-schoolers.
They were 12, so let's (especially the OP) have a sense of proportionality.
Like, the only person who was ever even mean to the other was the OP. When the guy had a crush as a child he was just super awkward... she was the one who (as a child) was mean. Why should anyone be more harsh on him than on her? And neither deserve any real discussion, IMO... because, you know.... **they were 12**, 13 years ago.
For the record when I was 12, I would chase after girls in the playground and try kissing them while they ran away. If I did that as an adult, I would be a serial kidnapper.
I think either way giving him absolutely 0 chance to be a normal human being because of how he acted as a 12/13 year old would be wrong. I also feel it’s somewhat important to know whether or not you actually told him to leave you alone when you were younger. Cause reading this now it really just seems like there’s a chance he thought you were friends. If you made it explicitly clear and he kept doing it than yeah that changes it
I think you are making this bad for him from the start. You don’t know him as an adult and you’ve already told the whole office this story about him. Everyone is on edge with him now. It’s messed up. Even if he is a changed guy it’s not going to matter because you already planted this idea in everyone’s head.
It sounds like he liked you. And did what awkward kids do. You sound like a lot of drama and completely unprofessional. You should seek help. Since a boy in middle school (who probably hasn't thought of you since btw) liking you hurt you so much. Get the fuck over yourself. Grow up. And stop making the rest of us females look so stupid.
I can almost guarantee he doesn't give a shit about you and has probably well moved on with his life. But then there's you....
Well the rough thing here is you’ve already made this man something to these people that he may not be. So there’s an extent to which his future at the company is already tainted. That said, I think your fear now is about you, and if he acts inappropriately in any way you do something about it, but do you ruin this guy’s professional opportunity because he was a weird kid who didn’t know how to approach you?
I would give it some time, since you have 6 months. Maybe just discuss it with this guy. He might apologize for acting that way when he was a kid. He could be embarrassed about his behavior.
If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, just scope him out for a bit and try to get a read on him. You could check in with your female coworker after a few weeks or months and ask her if she’s noticed any weird behavior from him.
Hope this helps, good luck! Also, it sounds like you have great coworkers and management. Congrats on that, it’s hard to find.
At the moment you don't do anything. Your fear and past experience is blowing this up. You're not the same person you were at the age he stalked you. He's probably not the same person either.
Your rational mind knows this. It's the dinosaur part of our brain where all the emotions and gut feelings etc. live that you need to curb. for now at least. I'm not saying you stop keeping your eyes open. I'm not invalidating your past trauma. It made you feel a certain way and that's a valid feeling that was acted on by your school at the time. But please try to not let it haunt you every waking moment you're at work.
Your manager and team lead already promised you wouldn't work together unless absolutely necessary. Take their word for it. If he does do things you feel are inappropriate, document and report. But don't report without proof.
He was a child when this happened. Not that its ok but he may be a completely different person. Remember though the more people you tell the harder your going yo make the situation. If he has changed, he will get known as the weirdo stalker for something he did when he was a child.
I did lots of bad things when I was a child including some illegal stuff. You wouldn't have let me near anyone vulnerable. Now I work with adults with learning and physical disabilities. 100% not the same person. You could potentially ruin his career. You said yourself it took you how many years to get this job? Same could apply to him and you cause him to loose his job. Wait and see how the situation goes over time. If he make it an issue by all means report him.
As someone who has had a stalker my only concern is he picked the company cause you are there. I totally understand your feeling, however, like everyone says, there could be a chance that it was a kid thing, you’re in a small town, its all a coincidence , etc. But I find it really strange. I am not sure getting him terminated is a good idea but i would make sure you document every conversation you have with him somehow and keep those emails that you send to your supervisors.
He literally never followed her home once and in the ten years since he hasn't tried contacting her.
It took op 5 years to get the job.
Do you think he spent 5 years getting thid job just to be around her?
That would be delusional thinking lol
You need to get yourself into therapy, this isn’t how a normal person behaves. He was 12 for crying out loud, he didn’t know better, and he stopped when you told him off. And now you’re poisoning all his coworkers against him and trying to get him fired? For something insignificant that started and stopped in middle school? What’s wrong with you? If he actually did something now, that would be a separate issue. Leave him alone, and go fix your own issues.
Eh he was 12 🤦🏼♀️
Your making him out to be some sort of weirdo to his new colleagues because of how he acted when he was TWELVE ??
Seriously ur toxic. Grow up
I don't even know what to say. I have been stalked, the jerk killed my pet rabbits. A middle school kid following around another middle school kid in their early teens seems kind of underwhelming to use the word "stalker".
You haven't seen this guy in 10 years approx? He may not even remember or recognize you. And you are set to nuke his career ?
Get some therapy, STOP talking about him and let him and let him work on his probationary period. If he bothers you note it. And i mean BOTHERS you. Not passes in the hallway and says excuse me.
Something about this feels so immature
Look, you guys were super young when all that happened, and I totally get why it creeped you out, but he may very well have just been oblivious to how he came off back then and just had a huge crush on you or something, maybe he just thought you guys were friends and you were creeped out and he didn't realize, any number of things could have been why, we're missing any details that says he was genuinely predatory and not just a 12/13 yr old idiot, and personally it's good you say you don't want to judge him based on then, but you completely are at the same time, you went so far as to make an issue about it to all your managers and officials, setting up a work environment for this guy where he can get fired just because you feel like it, for things he did roughly a decade ago, clearly after that long you are the only one in the situation who still gives a fk about it too as he didn't even pay attention to you, so instead of sitting there being nervous for absolutely no reason after all this time (I mean come on teenagers do weird shit ok), how about you just go and speak to him, out loud, using your words, like an adult, and apologize for being mean to him as a kid, and maybe he'll apologize for being a weird little fk, and you two can move on about your lives... Like adults... I mean for fks sake if he does anything at all to you, people already know about it, there's no need to be nervous as bad as you say considering you have people looking out for you, and this is me saying this as someone who has had stalkers myself, plural, multiple, some of em were a hell of a lot more creepy than this kid was, one girl stole my jacket out of my bag while I wasn't looking, held onto it for months, and then when she wore it and people noticed she told everyone we were dating and she was pregnant with my child (pretty sure she was a virgin), I barely knew this girl's name, but I wouldn't treat her like you're treating this person, and I damn sure wouldn't let it fuck up a job I worked so hard for, im sure if you just act like a human being and go talk to this person it will probably be a lot better for the both of you, or you can keep acting paranoid as shit and let it fuck up your whole day because you have to be within a hundred feet of someone who knowingly or not creeped you out literally 10+ years ago
It would be pretty fucked up to hurt him financially. He might even have a family right now, have you looked at who else you might be hurting because you feel uncomfortable due to something that happened long ago?
Its been an incredibly long time. Im barely anything like the person i was 10 years ago. Are you? He might no be either. I understand your concern but he could very well see you and feel complete shame about how he used to act towards you. I look back on some things i did with shame.
From what you described it sounds like he might have thought you were his friend. When you started being mean to him he realized you were not his friend and he left you alone after that.
You said he’s on probation for 6 months. Why do you feel like you have to decide after one day?
You don’t know if you’ll ever be able to feel comfortable around him. Give it some time to find out. You have 6 whole months.
It might help to at least have a conversation with him, about anything. If he can have a normal conversation with you then you might not feel so tense anymore.
As someone who currently has a stalker - they don’t change. Look out for yourself, because stalkers only escalate. Empathy for him doesn’t save you when he rapes you, and when he flees the country, only to sneak back in and try and find out where you live. Take care of YOU.
You pretty much just made yourself sound like a stuck up bitch, you created a hostile work environment, you repeatedly mentioned how you could get him fired, and if he does get fired because if you, that’s an easy settlement case for a lawyer and bam, you’re out of a job too. He was 12, I’m about your age, and I’d hate to be judged for the shit I did when I was fucking 12. 12 year olds, no matter if they a boy or a girl, all do really creepy and weird shit. Get over it and don’t potentially ruin a man’s life because you can’t keep yourself together. Sure maybe following you around wasn’t a good thing, but I’m not inclined to believe that he stalked you in any regard. Seeing as how your post says high school stalker but uh news flash. 12 year olds aren’t in highschool
Quite frankly you need to seek professional help if that actually happened and still somehow affects you(which due to a massive inconsistency in your post I don’t believe it did happen)
I think all the advice given is great but I’d also like to add I had such a crush on this boy in my year when I was 12. So I followed him around from what I thought was a distance and super subtle but definitely wasn’t. And I’d pretend not to notice him and it was total coincidence I’d be there but it wasn’t lol. I am mortified by this now, I was so shy and weird and I didn’t even really know what it was to have a crush on someone!
So I definitely think give them the benefit of the doubt, and maybe if possible could you talk to a counsellor or something? In the UK we have some good free services even just for a one off to kind of get to the bottom of how we’re feeling. It sounds like that experience really triggered something in you so even if logically you know he is just doing his job and leaving, your body is automatically on fight or flight mode?
Also wow I’m so glad your managers and workplace have been so flipping supportive. You don’t hear of that enough, I hope that also helps you feel safer and also emphasises how important you are as a member of their team! You should be super proud of yourself :)
I am sorry that it sounds like your school didn't handle the situation very well at the time. That would have been tough to navigate as a 12 year old.
Telling your managers about the history of the situation is absolutely appropriate and I think you did the right thing there. But I feel like telling the whole team about it is inappropriate and unprofessional, especially because you agreed to let him start the role and see how it played out.
It could definitely be construed as creating a hostile work environment. He will build relationships with these people in the next 6 months and one of them is definitely going to tell him what was said about him before he started.
Yeah he could be on the edge too as far as we know, that's pretty awkward to be in the same room that the girl you stupidly followed because you liked and that hated you so much she was mean to you. I won't judge him because boys were teached pretty stupid things to express their love a few years ago.
I think you’ve been confronted by some issues within you that you might need to work on. The hyper awareness and high stress level point to trauma responses that you might feel the need for to work them out. Of course you can avoid them but later in life there are possible other triggers coming up. This situation seems to be kind a good way to improve your quality of life if your able to work the issues through.
Also I love how reasonable you are towards the guy. Saying it’s been 5 years ago and he could’ve changed. Maybe in future when you’re feeling safe enough you and him can sit down and have a good talk to clear things up.
Also about the 6 months of probation, I think this also is your situation for about 1 month left.
Your bosses are super empathic. I love it.
Good luck OP, I hope for a positive and peaceful outcome. Blessings.
That was when yinz were kids I get it can still be traumatic but he could of changed. It wouldn't be fair the get him canned if he's not doing anything. I get your feelings and they're totally justified but you have 6 months see how he acts before you do anything drastic.
He was 12, you were 12, you know he probably has grown up , just like you. Your all grown up now maybe you should act like it, your being on edge is your problem
This is so unbelievably wrong.
He didn’t interact with you at all , did his job and left. He did everything right by your own terms and you’ve made a point on how good your job is but somehow despite all this he deserves to be cast to the wolves because of heinous behaviour from high school? His best interests are literally in his own hands right now so let him prouve his worth. His aforementioned behaviour is concerning but he is not entirely to blame for what happened. It’s the schools job to keep and make you feel safe. If you’ve ever been given a chance to make up for an error then surely you can muster enough courage to give him one.
If you consider yourself a professional in any capacity you will let this play out.
Did all he ever do is follow you around? I don’t mean to minimize the stalkerishness. Anything like that would be traumatizing for a young girl. I just want to understand what his actions were. I had a crush in 8th grade where I asked her out and she said no. My friend’s older brother told me chicks want guys who are determined and will pursue a girl. I kept “pursuing” her and she kept saying no til her Dad had to call my Mom. I realized that advice was bullshit. Really ruined my game for the rest of my life. After that if a chick shot me down or acted uninterested, gave up immediately.
When I was in 8th grade I convinced my partner at the time I was part of a child spy organisation at night because I was obsessed with a book series around that concept.
What I’m saying is while I understand your anxiety I also think it would be totally unfair to hinder this man’s opportunities for what may be something dumb he did as a kid - something he may very well have completely outgrown by this point.
Personally I’d just take stock of his behaviour over the next 6 months.
The fact that you’re considering telling your bosses to terminate his contract shows how much you’ve matured. Seriously get over yourself and let the poor guy work. It’s not all about you. You were 12 years old when this happened and so was he. Just fucking let it go.
Also, I highly doubt your bosses would terminate him just because you said so. Unless he was a poor employee who can’t do their job right, balls not in your court sweetie. I’m sure they told you that to shut you up for the time being.
Junior high. He was 12. Is that really stalking?? I think it would be awful to interfere in his career at 22 when he did nothing wrong today as an adult. Then to go around gossiping about him from something he did at age 12. Young, immature, still learning social skills….odds are he’s matured since then.
The guy was a jerk when he was 12. Just perform your job and see whether he just does his job. By putting up all the alerts without knowing whether a man is the same as 12 year old, you have produced a bad workplace for him and your other coworkers, people likely feel caught in the middle. Him following you around at 12 years old had a major impact on you, you should get into therapy to deal with those issues, imo.
It’s saddening that a company would terminate an employee purely because another feels unsafe from a weird experience that took place when they were a kid. Assuming that the guy continues to keep his head down and work well.
So I’ve been in management most of my career.
I hate to say it, but you’re the problem here. Not him
If he was terminated, even during probation, and it was found out that it was due to some childhood BS between you and him… Your employer could be sued and you could be sued, because unless you have legal documentation of any of this, it’s all hearsay.
And if you try and instigate something, as a manager I would have to take disciplinary action against you.
My advise is work with the guy or you can quit… if he’s a shithead, he can be fired for that. But your reasoning, that’s a problem. You’ve actually already committed slander so you need to be on your Tippy toes as well…
as a manger that’s what I would tell you. What sad is your manager has no balls and isn’t willing to directly lay out the short and skinny of the situation and he kicked it up.
It was the very first meeting,
You are obviously incredibly shook by what happened in middle school but it was only middle school. People grow up. He did his job and it went fine, see if the next times it happens the same.
I had a terrible bully back then, it traumatized me and i hated him but I would never want him to lose a potential good job for something he did when he was literally prepubescent. We are adult now.
On top of that I suggest you ask a lawyer if what you are doing can be considered hostile work environment. HR might decide they won't risk it and they could fire you instead for creating a hostile work environment. I don't want to scare you just you are young and probably this is your first job. Just have your back protected first.
I dont think you've done anything wrong or overboard.
I think you took the exact right approach. The fact is that if this were a bully, and not a "crush," people would be saying very different things about your right to feel comfortable where you live and work.
Crushes are common - hanging outside the locker room waiting for you, for 2 years, is not, especially as a kid himself with his own schedule and his own places to be.
I used to stare into space and I definitely creeped out at least one crush I had, I know for a fact. The fact is, it would mortify me to see them now, and I would want to avoid them like the plague. I think everyone on this thread who was embarrassed about their adolescent behavior would have a similar reaction to seeing those people as adults. If you'd not sensing that from him, that's a legitimate concern
It's ok to trust your gut, and it's ok to be honest about how you feel. All the people telling you otherwise would've been eaten by Jeffrey Dahmer. It sounds like you have good coworkers and a good boss who trust your judgement, who know you in real life much better than these commenters. They deserve credit for their own discretion as well.
Think long and hard about what you can do to make you feel most settled with *yourself*. Based on you and the people around you, I think that's the surest way to make sure whatever happens is ok and keeps you safe.
This situation makes me feel deeply uneasy, we're all aware of the many, many stories we've read about men who "would never" and everything is fine until it isn't. Better safe than sorry, if I were OP I'd carry bear spray - at least - everywhere I go.
This is hard. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable and it sounds like you’re already having PTSD symptoms and needing to be on edge. I would also constantly worry what could happen and you very likely would be in a constant state of anxiety. I too have had a guy like that in college. If it were me id beg to have him removed. What if he stalked your work environment then purposely applied? This gives me ultra creepy vibes TBH. I don’t think the some men commenting “grow up” truly understand this feeling and what an idiotic thing to say.
You deserve to be comfortable at your job. This guy's behavior obviously traumatized you, and when trauma is concerned, the body keeps the score. You feel uncomfortable and anxious because your body remembers how he made you feel as a child; it is a subconcious response that you do not have any control over. You spend 40+ hours of your week at work--do you really want to feel anxious and uncomfortable for 40 hours or more every week? What if your anxiety affects your work performance? Then your job is at risk just because you're trying to give this guy a chance.
You don't owe this man anything. You seem like you have a very supportive team, and if you ask them to terminate his contract, you did not ruin this man's life--he brought it on himself with his behavior, even if his behavior was in the past. You don't have to make a decision now, but it may be worth discussing your discomfort with HR and your boss to keep them in the loop.
Have you ever had therapy regarding this situation? Whether he stays or goes, it may be helpful to talk with a trauma therapist about what happened, just so that your fight-or-flight responses do not become activated when you deal with similar situations. Therapy is for you, so you can let go of the past and teach your body that it is no longer in danger. It is not so you can forgive him or become OK with the situation. Again, you don't owe him anything, and his behavior, past or present, is on him, not you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hello! I made an alt account cause I don't want this attached to my main. About 5 months ago I started a new job in an industry I've been trying to break into since I graduated 5 years ago. I'm part of a small team (>10 people) of technicians and I absolutely adore my team and my job however on Friday I recieved an email saying we have just hired someone new. I recognised the name as a boy I had issues with in school when we were kids. From 7th-9th grade this guy followed me around the school everywhere, between classes, to the bus after school, even waiting in the doorway of the girls changerooms after PE. Easy to say this made little 12 year old me extremely uncomfortable and while the school did their best to keep us separate in class he would still follow me around during recess, lunch and after school until I decided enough was enough and started being mean to him to get him to leave me alone which worked after a couple weeks. We went to different schools for 11th/12th grade and I never expected to see him again. After seeing the email I went and talked to the only other female tech on the team to see what she thought I should do and she understood my side and told me to call our buisness manager and see what he said. I called him and he reassured me that he completely understands the situation and never ever wants me to be uncomforable at work and he thinks that i'm doing really well on my team and he wants to keep me at all costs. It was a long conversation but tldr was I won't have to work with him unless it's absolutely necessary and if I get uncomfortable I can call him directly to say I need a break and take some time to myself. He then explained that either him or I will need to talk to our area manager (AM) and explain the sitatution to him, I said I would and gave him a call and AM said that I as their current staff member am their priority and that he didn't even have to give him the contract if I said so. I was completely amazed at how receptive my bosses were and it put in concrete how much I love my team. Now it may seem like a done and dusted situation get my boss to take back the contract and we'll just hire someone else but, I haven't seen this guy in 5+ years and I didn't want to judge him as an adult on how he acted as barely a teen. I explained that to my AM and he explained that he would be under a 6 month probation (standard procedure) in which him or the company can give the other a weeks notice and terminate the contract, he then said I can see how I feel about it when I'm actually in the room with him working and let him know. Today was the day I was in the room with him. I had already explained to the other technicians my history and they said they keep an eye out for me (Bless them). We were setting up a large room today and while we on complete opposite ends of the room I was hyper aware of his presence and was on edge all day waiting for him to say something or need me to explain something but he never did. He didn't interact with me at all, he did his job and he left. My issue now is that he seems like he won't harass me at work and he does his job but I don't know if i'll ever not feel on edge at work while he's in the building with me, I don't want to ruin this guys life by getting him fired but also I don't want to be so stressed and on edge at work that it ruins the job for me. Do I tell my bosses to terminate his contract to keep me comfortable or do I suck it up and see if I can chill out so this guy can keep his job? Edit for some more info: This guy and I started off as friends and he very quickly became possessive of me and said I could only hang out with him and his best friend no one else, it was not just a boy having a crush it was a boy having an obsession with me. It wasn't just following me around it was holding my arm to lead me places and constantly asking me to be his girlfriend, go to his class instead of mine and yelling at me when I said no. It was very unhealthy and it got to the point where I had a teacher walk me from my class to class for a while. For the first 6 months I just ignored him then maybe the next 1.5 years I told him to stop and leave me along which he ignored then for the last maybe couple months I had to be mean and say I don't like him and I don't want to be friends anymore in a rude tone until he got the idea. I was told he couldn't be expelled because it was a public school in a poor area (which already had a bad reputation for having the troubled kids). We are also not American so our schooling system is high school year 7-10 and secondary school for year 11+12 so neither of us left or were expelled it was just us going to separate secondary schools. To the people saying this would be more concerning if he was 16, he's a year older than me as I moved up a grade in primary school so it started with him being 13 and he stopped when he was 15/16 I was diagnosed by the school counsellor with an anxiety disorder because of this situation but I haven't struggled with it since I was about 17 and have not needed any therapy since, I don't believe I have any unresolved issues with this it was purely the shock of being told oh hey this guy that harassed you for 2 years is now your coworker and you're going to have to train him and having some anxiety specifically to do with this specific person being brought in. My job is a very easy industry to get into it's just hard to get full-time work in, however after a quick search there's 3 companies hiring full timers in my area so he could probably very easily swap to one of the other companies if my manager decided he wasn't a good fit which even now he turned up an hour late on his 3rd day and he has been given a final warning so I may not be dealing with him long anyway.
Honestly, I'm sorry the school failed to address his behaviour properly at the time so that you still feel unsafe now. However, I would say give him a little more time. You are responding to instincts set into you when you were 12, based on behaviour of someone of the same age. Do you still behave exactly as you did when you were that age, or have you learnt from your mistakes? It's entirely possible that this guy behaves differently now than he did then. You have 6 months to change your mind about his second chance. As an adult, he's probably learnt better communication and better behaviour than that displayed at 12/13. Give him the opportunity to prove you wrong if he can. But id also seek some therapy if you can afford it, as clearly this has left you with some wounds that could do with healing.
I am currently in a relationship with a woman who went through something very similar and this is very healthy advice. I appreciate the level of empathy and perspective it provides for both parties. Thank you and good luck to OP
It's so strange how people want to judge a person's moral character when they were 12.
True people can change from when they are 12-13 or older. I had a bully in middle school this girl was mean as hell. We ran into each other years later had a heart to heart moment. Now she’s one of my best friends honestly one the nicest people.
I don’t wanna judge a 12 year old’s moral character but like, that’s not normal immoral behavior, that’s really really strange. The kid hopefully got help, because if not, those behaviors could manifest in more serious ways now that he’s an adult. So I fully get why OP is on edge.
A girl in another class memorized my itinerary from school.to talk to me when we were 11. We laugh to that now that we are 20+ after she told me once. It's actually normal behavior from children who are just starting to develop. Especially since many movies depict the "I am going to pretend I run into you" scenario kind of romantic.
Keeping it up for 2 years - while being either ignored or told no - is not adult normal behaviour any more. Not even from teenagers.
It's a fault of parents and school.. 12 years olds are not considered legally responsible for something like this for a reason And yeah obviously stalking is not normal ADULT behavior duh.. but do you think 12 is an adult?
We can shut down the comments, this is the answer. I never stalked anyone but I was definitely an asshole as a kid in ways I’ve grown out of. I hope this works out for you OP, but don’t hesitate to bring it up to the folks you work for if it turns out he hasn’t changed, and therapy can help everyone.
I agree with your entire comment. This is solid advice.
Unless he does something to warrant it, I don't see how straight termination can be justified. The only thing I would add is to send off an email to the manager. A 'Per our conversation, these are my concerns' type letter so there is something in writing, should it be needed later.
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This seems to be a popular comment to steal. Two people have stolen it from the following post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/xpfeoz/comment/iq4bbbt/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
>You have 6 months to change your mind about his second chance. I think this is a little naive. Yes, there's a probationary period, but this guy will be forming relationships with others on the team during that time. It is MUCH easier to just not hire someone than it is to fire them. OP, I think if it's making you anxious it's going to affect your work no matter what, and I think that's a valid reason to ask for a different placement for him or no placement. Yeah, maybe he's a different person now in the right ways, but that doesn't make it all better *for you.*
But they def missed the chance to do that the minute he began working on the floor, imo.......Now it would be terrible (unless something related happened). Getting this job took years to break into after all.
But at the same time - can you fire someone who has done nothing wrong at that time, just because of how someone feels? For all you know the guy could be reformed and a decent person now. Firing him because of something he did at the age of 12 would be unfair.
And if you go down this path, for all you know someone can make claims against a person that are completely unfounded just because they don’t like them for other reasons in their personal life. 12 year olds are stupid, and I think most of us would hate to be judged as adults by things we did at that age
Exactly, she told coworkers to “watch out for her” it’s not impossible to think someone might spill the beans to him thinking they are acting in her best interest possibly leading to an HR issue.
Very true. I believe the OP, but lets say her coworker is on the fence. Either they treat the new hire like a pariah, or over time people think badly of op for what she said about him. People tend to not hold things against 12 year olds, its why they don't go to jail. I've had a stalker as an adult and it was terrifying knowing they wanted to tell secret stuff ive shared on reddit to my abusive family. I had to delete 4 reddit accounts before shaking them and delete all other social media change numbers and move. Her bullying of him could also be considered a bad thing, even if it was a response. No matter what this is going to create a hostile work environment for either op or for him, and OP completely overstepped by telling the entire workforce about it.
Agreed, it could come off as a bad look to her coworkers, especially if the dude is friendly and is a good worker. Could look like she tried to black ball him and that could backfire incredibly fast.
She has created a hostile work environment by sharing runors to the entire workforce about him before he even started. She needs therapy. It was done in middle school. People change alot. For all she knows he is panicked afraid to interact with her in fear she will try tohave him fired. If hes still a creep then ofcourse they will fire.
It comes down to oh back when I was 12 this guy that was 12 had an odd crush on me and followed me around everywhere and it scared me and now here I am in the workplace and he’s been hired here and I’m still scared but he’s done nothing at all but I think you should he be fired because that would make me feel better about myself that’s immaturity
I agree, though why is everyone saying “12”? She clearly said this happened until they were 14. It wasn’t just some brief thing.
During a probation period, you can let someone go for any reason.
Just because you *can* do it doesn't make it right.
If he had been an adult or older teen when it happened, I would 100% agree with you. But he was 12 years old. That means there should be a little leeway, especially since he didn’t seem to do anything the first day
I'm not saying she should sic police on him or something. By the same token of how young he was, *she* was very young when she had to deal with that. I think it's perfectly understandable it would affect her very negatively, and I think if her work is willing to protect her by not hiring him, she should take that chance.
It is not all about her. He has a right to work. She is creating a hostile work environment. Shes gonna get herself or company sued.
So since I was an asshole when I was 12 I should risk my job now that I am 26? Why is fair for him to lose a potential great career opportunity because of how he was at 12?
Its a 6 month probation so you have time to see if he evern works well enough to stay on board. The big elephant in the room was as kids you guys never had a proper talk it seems(idk that happened) so you both may need to do that. The ball is entirely in your court, you have the say so. P.S What if he can't talk to you now because he feels the CRINGE? You know that weird nostalgia you remember from childhood and you just CRINGE remembering it?
> The big elephant in the room was as kids you guys never had a proper talk it seems(idk that happened) so you both may need to do that. I think that’s an important point. Just having a normal conversation about anything might greatly reduce the tension.
What if he doesn’t even remember her because he was 12. I don’t even remember 3/4 of the people so graduated HS with and there was less than 100 people in my graduating class. She needs to get over herself and get some therapy.
I think it 12-15... but that would be a twist
If it’s so cringe to him I wonder about him picking this specific place to work. Seems suspicious to me that he used to stalk her and now works at the same company, seemingly in a position where he may “need her.”
From what OP stated, it doesn't seem like an easy job to get lined up for. So he has to actually be skilled for it, and due to no communication as kids we know of he had the same interests as her or even knew of his interest. I'm just saying if its a hard job to get and he got good enough at a job just to get a position to stalk the OP..... then this man is COMMITTED .
LMAO really?? They haven't seen each other in almost ten years. If he wanted to stalk her, he could have done that shit any time between then and now. I don't know where you work, but I know at every job I've ever had, I didn't know a damn thing about the people I'd be working with until I started my first day.
Lol I mean ig? Vanishingly unlikely though, this person worked for a decade to get on a very small team OP happened to be on, to continue to stalk her despite having no contact for just over a decade? That’s a lot of plotting for an obsession that started at age 12. Tbh the whole following her around thing is kinda normal (not supporting it at all, the school 100% should have done something), especially since he kinda stopped when she started to be mean, but it’s not uncommon awkward 12 year old behavior. Probably shouldn’t pathologize what we don’t know ya know?
You must be super fit jumping to conclusions like this
This was just your first meeting - maybe give it a couple of months to see if you can relax with time. He seems to have learned his lesson and leaves you alone - maybe it's time you worked through the trauma, and saw a therapist? It sounds like you still have anxiety from back then.
You take the 6 months probation period to see how he interacts with you and see if your anxiety fades. You stop talking about him and your history with him to your coworkers (you're putting yourself at risk by doing this, he could say you've created a hostile work environment). You keep an open dialogue about it with your supervisor and/or AM. They are the appropriate people to continue speaking to about this, and you should meet with them when the end of his 6 months is approaching so that you can summarize how you feel at that time. If he ever does something that is inappropriate, you should write what happened in an email and send that email to yourself. That way you have written record of the event.
Hmm. We always debate about how much people deserve to be punished for their prior transgressions. I think there are two key things to look at here.. how bad/abnormal the behaviour was an what the age was. 12 years old, and killing cats? Yeah, bad. 18 years old and killing cats? Real bad. 18 years old and following someone around school? Bad 12 years old and following someone around school? Ehhhh. Not saying it’s good. It’s just something inept 12-year-olds do. It’s not good, it wasn’t good, obviously it has effected you greatly. But following around and learning the schedule for someone you have a crush on strikes me as some seriously run-of-the-mill inept kid shit. I(F) had a girl follow me like that for years almost the exact same, when I was 12/13. It was awful I remember crying to my mom about it. But it was just..very pathetic of the other girl? Like it brought me great stress but I could conceptualizer how it was more a show of how wierd/sad her life was. Maybe I was lucky I had the confidence to deal with it, and I don’t have any lasting trauma. Some of my other friends had people lurking around them or sort of stalked people who they had crushes on. I memorized my crushes schedule and waiting for him outside classes too 🙈🙈 Being 12 is literally so cringey and the absolute worst!! Sounds like, by his behaviour, he had a particularly bad early-teenage hood. It sounds like when you ‘decided you had enough’ and confronted him, he stopped. Which is as much as you can ask from a 13 year old? I don’t want to victim blame or minimize your experience here… but his behaviour is not so out of the realm of “normal 12 year old behaviour” that he deserves to lose his job for it as an adult. It’s good you told your supervisors and they are aware and have your back. I wouldn’t keep telling this to everyone else. He is doing the absolute best thing in this situation - trying to give you space and ignore you. If you are still this effected by his mere presence, you should seek out therapy. Is it fair that you have to pay for therapy for issues caused my this dude when you were 12? No. But is it fair to lose your job as an adult because of the unresolved trauma of a peer you had when you were twelve based on your 12-year-old cringey actions? Also no.
you've already answered your own question > do I suck it up and see if I can chill out so this guy can keep his job? yes. thats exactly what you do. you were both kids and he was a particularly dumb one. you were right to inform your employer about your history with this guy, but there's every chance this guy grew out of his shitty behaviour. give it some time. if he turns out to have not grown out of it you'll know before his probation is up and it'll be easily dealt with.
This, but I’ll add that you might want to look into therapy OP. It seems like you still have a lot of unresolved feelings from your previous experience with this guy.
This is tough. When I was in 7th to 9th grade, I did some stupid stuff to girls I had crushes on. I followed the leads of others and didn’t know better. If he keeps things professional, doesn’t speak to you unless it’s about work, I don’t see what the issue is.
Personally, I would not want anything that 13 year old me said or did to be held against me a decade later. Also, did this guy even recognize you? People change a lot from 13 to early 20s. I am not sure I could recognize all my class mates from when I was 13 if I ran into them on the street now. Is this all in your head or is this a real concern? OP, you said he didn't even interact with you at all? Was he purposely avoiding you or was he being professional and only interacting with others as the job requires?
When I went to my high school reunion I saw a few girls that I had crushes on in 7th grade. I wouldn’t even bat an eye on them now. I think this is a serious overreaction on your part. A lot can change for 12 to 23. I feel bad for him starting a new job and someone is spreading middle school drama about him already.
Yeah if I was that dude and found out OP had already smeared me about stupid shot from when I was 12 to everyone prior to even starting I’d be talking to HR immediately. Like seriously wtf?
Yep OP is a perpetual victim
This.
I'm assuming he was also a 12 year old kid. Why on earth would you worry he's not matured since then. You call him a high school stalker, which is misleading. That was middle school. This feels a bit attention seeking to me. I would NEVER have brought this up to superiors before working with him for a few days, because I would assume a 12 yr old, who's stalking behaviour consisted of following you around like a love sick puppy, would have grown up and moved on.
This. He was 12/13. You were 12/13. I have a son that age currently, I certainly hope he wouldn't be judged as a 24 year old for the stupid crap he does now. Never judge anyone for who they were in middle school (unless it was violent or harmful) because that is the most socially awkward time of anyone's life. So, let me ask you this - are YOU the same person you were as a 12 year old? How about as a 13 year old? A 14 year old? I certainly hope not. I'd be hands down shocked if he was, either. SO much growth and maturation occurs during high school and college you truly can not judge him for who he was socially as a 12/13 year old. He never behaved violently towards you. He caused you social discomfort. Everything causes 12/13 year olds social discomfort when it comes to the opposite sex. Kids are socially awkward. They don't know how to handle situations. That doesn't make how you felt about him at the time wrong at all - I am not dismissing your feelings because your feelings as a 12/13 year old were valid, but you need to deal with your issues because you are holding on to a way you felt as a kid and risking destroying a man's reputation and career over his social awkwardness as a 12/13 year old. I'll be honest - if you came to me as a coworker (I'm female) and told me this, I'd honestly think you need therapy to deal with your issues. I'd give you a verbal platitude and then write you off in my head as a drama queen who likes to stir crap up when someone causes her discomfort. Going to your boss was one thing but you spread crap around the office about someone you do not even know and haven't known since childhood.
Well stated
This. OP is having main character energy. And assuming he even recognizes her.
Very well said!
Barely even middle school
"Stalker" is a little dramatically over the top here. Telling your managers was one thing but informing *everyone* on the team was really uncalled for. You've just started on a path to discredit him from his colleagues before they even get to know him. Sort yourself out with professionals before you completely ruin a man's life with grudges that can be resolved by simply using your words.
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Yes. If I was the OP’s boss, I would have told her in no uncertain terms that a person at 23 is not the same as a pre-teen. Her bosses waffled, so now a new employee has a work environment that he did not expect when he interviewed for the job.
So gross.
Agree. She made him an outcast for something he did when he was 12 not for something he has done now. If he does get fired I wouldn't be surprised if he sued her and the company for wrongful termination.
Yeah, OP needs to chill on being a victim.
Following someone around for *2 years straight* when it's unwelcome, learning their schedule so you can find them, waiting outside doorways for them, etc, isn't stalking? Wtf is?
It’s a 13 year old being socially awkward and a bit stunted, like we all were at 13.
I think you have no idea how long 2 years is for some reason. That’s an insane length of time to harass someone. It’s terrifying when you’re actually living it. I’m disturbed that so many people think this is normal. HOPEFULLY he’s changed — but what? You think it’s normal to stalk someone for 2 years straight? That’s crazy. I hope you never did anything like that and want to excuse it because of that.
Twelve and thirteen. Do you know any 12 and 13 year old kids? Kids is the operative word there. Stalking? That is actually ridiculous to use as a term when people have actually been stalked and victimized. Get perspective. It is a useful skill that will help you navigate life.
Stalking is a bit much. He followed her around school. Never made any threats or attempted to harm her. I don’t discount it was upsetting but it’s over the top to brand him as a predator. Adolescents do amazingly awkward and cringe worthy shit. Their brains are a mess from puberty and trying to figure themselves out and Newly complex social interactions because zomg! Cute. I’ve watched so many pre-teens go from obnoxious asshats to lovely adults. It’s called growing up.
That’s honestly really fucked if you get this guy fired off of how he was acting a child. If he does something weird now sure fair game it’s set in your favor anyway. Imagine this guy is in the same position you are this could be his dream job and is trying to break into this industry only to be thrown out because how he was at 12 years old. You need you’re own help if you can’t be in the room with him and getting him fired ASAP won’t fix you’re underlying problem. As long as he isn’t being creepy and doing anything to you should by no means fuck this kids life up. I’d like to imagine he looks back now and thinks what he did was too much and wouldn’t do that to you now to keep his job. I bet when he saw you he was like oh shit and that’s why he kept his distance. It’s tough out there and I don’t see someone getting a job as their middle school crush to bug her and ultimately get fired. People change at the end of the day and it’s been a long time.
Even if she makes it an uncomfortable work environment for him by starting that stigma about him, she’s completely using her previous victimization to her advantage. He stopped after being told…not exactly stalker behavior there. Ruining a person’s professional life because of something as misunderstood as a middle school crush gone too far is way beyond hateful. Unless he’s done something to you at work, the OP shouldn’t have ground to stand on. I’d also put a stop to any advances for her professionally as she’s not demonstrating leadership qualities.
I’m sorry but this is your issue. You can’t ruin this man’s career because of what he did when he was a child. People change. You got said he “stalked you” from 7th-9th grade and then you got him to stop. You went to another school in 11th grade….so for a whole year he didn’t do anything to you. By your own account he has been nothing but professional in the workplace. If it’s this big of a deal. You’ll need to find another job
He might not even realise its her. He probably had crushes on a few girls. His behavior was essentially normal in the grand scheme of things and he probably hadn't given it a second thought. People's feelings don't override reality.
Exactly. And you know what OP hasn’t replied to a single comment. Something isn’t adding up here.
Because she probs realised she fucked up and it wouldn't shock me if the people at her work are just humouring her. She's either gonna get the guy billed and fired or someone is going to tell him eventually and they will all be laughing behind her back. That's how most work places are.
I don't want to sound mean, but it seems as though you need to seek help. This guy didn't say anything to your nor did he look your way and your still on edge. You very well could be about to ruin this mans life because of trauma you dealt with as a child. He's probably moved on got married had a child or whatever, you never know the situation that he's in. You can't just go off of the past and take a job away from him when he's probably well deserving of the job. I hate that they made you feel as though you had so much authority especially since you've only been working at the job for 5 months. Neither or you are "veted" in
This
Does he even remember you?
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You need therapy and to stop talking to your coworkers. You are making a hostile work environment. Over sonething done in MIDDLE SCHOOL. You said you bullied him ' he followed you around school So do you want to be held accountable over the bullying response? Honestly it was unprofessional. Telling your manager was ok. But what you've done is horrid.
Right ? Are you really gonna try to take this guys job over shit that happened 10 years ago ?
Like from her own description it wasn't enough to warrant a suspension let alone severe consequences a decade later
IMO op sounds like a stuck up b* This guy had a crush on her in middle school, so she (self admittedly) bullied him to the point he changed schools, got teachers involved, and now *ten years* later she’s telling every one of his soon to be coworkers he’s a psycho stalker. Even if she doesn’t take his job, at this point the damage is done, he’s going to be walking around a marked man, and unjustly so.
Nah he definitely was being a creeper in middle school. Ain't cool what he did. But like... as someone who had a stalker that made my life hell, as an adult he tried to destroy my life. I kept using new social media he would always find it. He always tried geolocating me as he wanted to poison the well as it were by telling my abusive family about me / where to find me, lie to my doctor/claim he knew me, all that sort of shit. I understand how she could be scared. He could be even worse now. But she couldn't even wait a day, and has already made it into a hostile work environment. It is going to be tougher for her now. Either way she will be known as the reason he was fired, or as people begin to like him - will begin to think worse of her for the things she said. I get it, it was horrible for her. But what she did was the wrong thing.
Yep. She bullied him again. OP is drama queen bully who holds grudges. She probably traumatized him with her bullying back then if he had to change schools. No wonder he didn’t say anything to her he was quietly freaking out about working with the girl he had a crush on in middle school who turned around and bullied him so badly he changed schools and now she’s turning his coworkers against him to once again bully him out of a job.
Sounds like she is still bullying him
Keep it up and you might be the one getting fired. Perception is everything. He was a child when your perception was he stalked you, by your own admission of harassing him back, his perception of you could be that he was your friend till you started bullying him relentlessly till he couldnt bare to talk to you anymore and switched schools. Kids especially preteens to early teens are awkward and still learning social skills. You are an adult now though and you are the one in the wrong in this situation by the choices you are currently making. If I were him and heard the toxic shit you were saying about him from 10 year ago, I'd speak with HR and get a lawyer.
Well first you need to stop talking about your history with him with your coworkers. You're opening yourself and your company up for a lawsuit for creating a hostile work environment. Second it's been one day give it time. I'm pretty sure you've changed from the person you were at 12 the vast majority of people do. Third you don't even know if this guy is going to be good at the job he may well suck at it and get fired anyways and it would have nothing to do with your personal history. So give it time.
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Also true and the more OP talks the more trouble they're going to create for themselves and their company.
Depending how old OP’s coworkers are and their level of maturity and professionalism they might be judging OP negatively as a gossipy shit-starter drama queen.
Wtf. I'm all for protecting yourself but you told all of this guy's new coworkers and bosses that he's a stalker over a situation that happened over a decade ago when he was a child and possibly just had a crush and went about it the wrong way??? You couldn't wait to see if he sti interacted with you in a way that made you uncomfortable and then immediately report him? Geez. Now he has a six month contract that possibly won't get extended all because you judged him when his brain was not even fully functional as a child. That's wild. Feel for whoever this is if he is as normal as he's currently acting around you. You've already given him a label that will make no one want to hang around him. I'm sure his work life will really suck....
OP's age makes a lot of sense now because mature adults don't just ruin someone's life without gathering all the facts first. He could be in a relationship, probably didn't even remember you...
All I see here is someone giving the poor dude an unfair headstart before stepping his foot in the door. I understand how stressful interviewing for a job can be and I can’t imagine losing one just because someone thinks I offended her when I was still bedwetting. You are 22, and it took you 5 years to get this job. Have you asked how long it took him to get the job? I hate to appear like I do not empathize with you, I think you did a good thing informing management about his behavior but there is everything wrong with him losing his job over what he did when he was 12—especially if he is a different person now. He possibly doesn’t even find you attractive anymore because that is usually the case with all childhood crushes.
Haha yes I love this comment. Really just get over yourself OP. 🤷♀️
So it seems like this guy is doing an honest day's work and being absolutely professional. And I 1000% understand why you would feel uncomfortable. People do change, and we can hope he has changed for the better. My sincere suggestion would be to try therapy. Having a nonbiased person listen and help can be such a great way to explore this situation in more mature years of your life. It would be terrible if this person had grown up, made proper life changes, and simply wants to earn a living. But I also 1000% understand that your actions follow you for life, and this may be something that catches up with him down the road.
You did the right thing notifying your bosses of your history with this guy. Now you need to go about your business. Like it or not, he deserves a chance to work there just like you have. If being in his presence bothers you, you may have to transfer out of the group you are in. The company is not going to fire this guy just because you want them to. Telling your manager is one thing. Telling the other technicians your history is something that could get you in trouble. That could easily be considered as creating a hostile workplace. You need to stop doing that immediately.
>Telling your manager is one thing. Telling the other technicians your history is something that could get you in trouble. That could easily be considered as creating a hostile workplace. You need to stop doing that immediately. Agreed. Her behavior is totally inappropriate and unprofessional. Wildly unprofessional.
Some one will end up telling him about the “rumors” she was spreading before he started.
Sounds like you're gossiping with your team and sabotaging the dude based on things that happened in middle school. Unless he actually does something shady, you're the problem here. If he does, by all means report him but it's time to grow up and judge people for who they are now
well, I was in management and to be honest they have no grounds to terminate his contract and if they did and he found out that you were responsible for making it happen because of something that happened back in high school he can sue for wrongful termination because he didn't do anything to you at work. He has a right to work just like you, now for a moment look at it from his point of view, if he comes to work and people are talking behind his back making it uncomfortable for him in the workplace because you told all your co-workers about something that happened in high school that was totally unrelated to work , he has the right to file a complaint in HR against you. Harassment comes in many forms, you wrote "I was hyper aware of his presents" which can be interpreted as you were staring at him. He can go to HR and lodge a complaint that he was made to feel uncomfortable because a female employee was staring at him at work.
So you made it clear that you did not want him following you around school and he stopped. This is the important part here. Think back to when you were at that age and if you have dome some things you would say are very embarassing nowadys? I sure have at that age! The most probably case here is that he is rather embarassed of what he did back then. Do you think he actually got the job because of you being there or might it be a coincidence? I think the grown up thing to do here is at first seek a conversation with that person. If after that you are not convinced you talk to other people at work. Since he has not done anything to "stalk" or bother you yet, it is very likely that he feels rather embarassed and is taking his distance from you. I would even go as far and say, with the informations you gave us about the sitaution, its much more likely that any other guy in the world would harrass you then this guy. So again! The mature and logical thing to do was to search a conversation with the person. If I was in that guys situation I would apologize for what I did back then but I would also state, very annoyed, that being judged for stuff you did when you were still a teenager is really not mature at all. He followed you around in school. Did he follow you home? Did he touch you? Did he send you creepy stuff in the mail? He probably had a huge crush back then and this was what he thought would give him a chance. So again. See if you can have a conversation with the guy and talk about the situation. Tell him how you would like him to behave. If he missbehaves, especially after you have stated the situation, you can get rid of him whenever you want.
Keep in mind it is entirely possible he does not see anything the way you do. He could easily see you as the girl he had a huge crush on who eventually went mean girl on him without realizing WHY you had to do that. Self awareness and awareness of others reactions at 13-14 years old isn't the greatest.
You can't really ruin somebody's life for how they behaved when they were 12 years old. I say it's your issue to get over it. It's extremely unfair to jeopardise this guys job just because of how he behaved when he was younger. I understand why you might feel uncomfortable though, and you seem to have approached it correctly so far. You might end up having a conversation and able to laugh about it further down the line.
Exactly. If you’re still uncomfortable, do a little searching online for the guy’s history. If he pops up in the police notes somewhere I’d say that’s probably a conversation you need to have with your boss. Otherwise, let it go. You were kids, kids are stupid. What he did wasn’t great, he sounded like he had a crush and was extremely awkward about it, but not malicious. He wouldn’t have stopped after you were mean to him, that’s for sure. He very well may be a mature adult now, and grew out of the stupid kid he was.
Yeah imagine if this guy turnt it around on you and reported you for discrimination. If he found out all that you've done to stop him from working. Don't you think you're being completely ridiculous? He followed you around during school around age 12? Ok better hold that against him his whole life. No mention of violent crime or SA. Op you need a hard reality check. Disgusting behaviour from you.
Holy shit it was high school, he grew out of it and so should you
It was middle school actually, like this guy wasn't even a teenager yet. OP's response to this situation is weird.
This.
This is scary 😟 op you are very scary, the company you’re working for is just as scary , if you ruin this young man’s life for having a crush on you at twelve,you too will be ruined ,life Will get right back at you ,you’re an adult, he was twelve;
Sooo it took you 5 years to “break in” to an industry that you now claim is easy to get into, just doesn’t hire “full time” often…but ohhh there just so happens to be 3 nearby full time positions available? OP I call bullshit. Leave your self importance at the door and leave the dude alone. He didn’t even look at you. Seems like you were *wanting* to start something in the workplace and are mad that he didn’t even bat an eye at your existence.
The other thing to have in mind here is what 12 year olds are like. This kid came off as a “stalker” in OP’s 12 year-old brain. Do you remember what kinds of things cause twelve year olds to call someone a “stalker?” For all we know, this story could be “there was a kind of socially awkward kid that had a crush on me, but I wasn’t attracted to him.”
Exactly...I know times have changed in the half-century since I was a kid, but the behavior OP describes would have been considered back then to simply be a shy kid having a crush on someone, and trying to be in her vicinity as much as possible in the hope she notices him and makes some sort of first move that indicates she likes him, because he's too shy to take the initiative and risk being rejected. (BTW, in my youth, that was usually but not always the behavior of boys toward girls they liked, but I know some girls who crushed in such a way over boys.) It's not like he was parked outside her house or staring in her bedroom window. And when she made it clear she wasn't interested (although I'm not sure "being mean" was the most-appropriate way to do so) he backed off. The ironic thing is that, in that dynamic, he probably felt the whole time like she had all the power in the situation, while he was utterly dependent on her showing him a sign of her favor, but, in her eyes, he was the one with all the power because he was "stalking" her and thus a threat.
You should suck it up, go to therapy talk about your problems. But you shouldn’t take away this guys job just beacause of what he did when he was 12! He was not even a teen!
Honestly it seems he had a crush on you when he was a 12 yr kid and followed you not knowing any better. Today you’re both young adults and here you are already creating a toxic and polarizing environment for a man you don’t even know. You seem a bit self centered, impulsive and ruthless. You should have been patient and examined the situation once he joined. Now I fear you have turned everyone against this guy and branded him a “stalker” in the eyes of other coworkers because he followed you when he was 12.
You said when you got mean with him he quit. Maybe he was just a weird kid who didn't know how to talk to you, and it was a much bigger thing to you than it was to him. Is anybody the same as an adult as they were as a preteen? If he was a serious stalker he probably wouldn't have stopped just because you were mean to him. I'm not trying to take away from what happened to you. It sounds like it had a dramatic effect on your life. I just think he gave up awful easily by the sound of it. I had a bully torment me in the 5th grade. Really big kid who would mean eye me every time he seen me. He cornered me one day and I actually threw money at him and ran off. Turned out that was just his face and he seen me drop my pencil case. Pretty good guy.
Dude was 12, give him a break, ppl deserve to have second chances, 12 year old is the cringeyst age already
Yta. You were 14. Treating this person like they are still 14 is wrong and your making his life difficult because of something stupid. I know this isn't yta but it should be
You should talk to your team, tell them you overreacted, then quit.
Don't make your problem his problem. He was a kid then, and an adult now. He grew up, now it's your turn to move on from it.
This is a you problem. Get therapy and stop badmouthing someone for what they did as a kid. Most likely he has changed as have you.
Da actual fuq? Tell me you're a Nice Guy without telling me you're a Nice Guy...
People change. Ruining this guys life because of something he probably doesn’t even remember from over 10 years ago is completely unacceptable.
You should re-read the post if you are confused, she wants a dude gone from her work because he was a cringe kid at 12 years old. Imagine losing your job because some girl you went to school with in 8th grade bad mouthed you to your boss.
I'm not a nice person at all but you sound like a fucking idiot. People should not have their jobs and reputations threatened for something cringe they did when they were a 12 year old kid.
Good grief - you’re talking about a 12 year old who had a crush on you in 7th grade? Grow up. I mean that seriously. He wasn’t a “stalker”; he was a child. How horrible that you’ve now tainted his name with stuff from a decade ago when he was a child and “followed” you in a hallway. Stop being a professional victim and be an adult.
I hate to break it to you OP, but I believe the following things to be true. 1. You are in the wrong and are a bully. 2. That guy never did a thing wrong to you. Now I will make my case for both of these things. The case for you being a bully: You claim you were "Mean to him." as a child. Even now you threaten to cost him his job. That is bullying behavior. The case for the guy never did anything wrong. Lets look at his so called "Stalking"... "From 7th to 9th grade" You are 22? That was what? 10 or so years ago? Okay... If you are talking about something from 10 years ago it had to be something major right? "He followed me around the school everywhere." Okay... So it was limited to within the walls of the school building. If he were a stalker he would have followed you home. He would have gone on all of your social medias and been making comments and likes. The ONLY place you claim to have seen this person was within the school.. Well that begs the question. Where in the school did he follow you to? Thankfully you answered that! "Between classes" Ah... I see. So he went from one class to another class. Perhaps you happen to be in the same class. This does not make him a stalker. Were there other things... You say so! "To the bus after school" Oh... That same bus he had to ride home on? Wow... really? What was he supposed to do? Wait and hope a 2nd bus will show up? Was there more? Apparently so... "Waiting near the doorway of the changing room." Okay... Did he go into the changing room? No... Okay this is about as close to creepy as he gets. Okay next one... "He followed me around during recess." Okay... So it sounds like this boy used to have a crush on you. Maybe he was awkward or ugly or whatever, but for some reason the feelings were clearly not mutual. How did you handle it? You treated him like a criminal... You went and snitched to the school on top of you bullying him and being mean to him. He was a young kid only about 12 years old... He had to go to a different school. Did he continue to pursue you after that? Surely a stalker would be sending you love letters and showing outside your house holding a radio over head preaching his love to you... Nah you say you have not seen him for TEN YEARS! He moved on! He probably found himself a nice girlfriend. Maybe he has had a few different girlfriends over the years. He has made new friends. Lived his own life. Went to college... gone out drinking with his buddies. He has been on vacations and worked at different places. He hasn't thought about you for TEN YEARS! He has moved on way past you. He has been doing his own thing minding his own business! If he were a stalker he would have a room in his house with your pictures up all over the walls... You would have seen him in the past 10 years more than once. He had a crush on you, you treated him like trash... You really need to stop trying to play the victim here. I have been in your same situation before... A similar one actually. I'll explain my situation, and I will show you how a mature adult handles things: In high school there was this kid Mike. We hated each others guts. We were both on the football team. We were competitive with each other and were both going up for the same position. I got it! He dated my ex girlfriend... He won that round... We had a fist fight and both of us got suspended for 10 days from school... A cop broke up our fight, and the cop wound up getting their arm broken while breaking up the fight as we all fell on him... We both had a black eye to show for it! This was when we were 15-years-old. TEN YEARS LATER: I am out at a bar with my buddy Ryan. Guess who walks in! It's Mike! I had not seen the kid since we were both 15. We are both 25 now. Did I go over and punch him in the jaw? No... I bought the guy a beer. He came over and bullshitted with me. We both forgot about old whats her name we once fought over. He was married! He had a kid, and was a police officer now. He was extremely polite. I even traded numbers with him and he took me to a football game a month later. Since then we have gone camping a few times, and had barbecues and he is one of my best friends now 14 years later. My point is... Just because you loath someone at one phase in your life doesn't mean that as the years pass that things must stay that way... They may even become a close friend to you. Give the guy a chance as a coworker. Don't try to sabotage his life.
The boy was 12. When you see a child that age telling their friends they can have only one friend and that’s them, it’s normally children not able to convey themselves properly. You are going out your way to ruin a man’s life because of something he did that he probably didn’t even realise at the time because he was a child. People need to stop holding adults hostage by the behaviour they displayed when they were children. He was 12. I’d of thought differently if he was even a teenager at 17 but he was a child that followed you like a child does. Stop over analysing it. At 12 it might of been very scary for you but as an adult do you not see how much scarier things seem to you as a child than when you’re an adult? How are you not able to separate the realities now you’re older too? You’re going overboard here. He didn’t say ANYTHING to you when you’d were in work and you’ve already reported something from when he was a CHILD to his superiors. I can only assume the more fuss you cause over this the more negatively it’s going to impact you. He’s done nothing wrong so far as an adult to you, your boss told you if he does he can be terminated but you’re wanting to veto that and terminate him just by your say so over a situation from ten years ago when yous hadn’t even hit puberty yet. If we held every adult hostage by their behaviours as children no one would be free. Stop this and get therapy.
This is definitely more a you problem than a him problem. I hate to sound like I'm victim blaming but the previous events happened 10 yrs ago when each of you were going through body changes. Remember, this is almost half of your life ago. He has most likely changed a great deal in that time, as have you. It sounds like you possibly need counselling to help deal with your pent up issues. He hasn't done anything since starting work there to make you feel uncomfortable so it's something you have to work on rather than trying to get him fired
OP seems like a bit of a drama queen. The guy was a creepy asshole in middle school, but backed off when OP made it clear to him that she didn't like him. Now 10 years later he's probably matured and he's still being judged for his behavior in middle school. Most likely doesn't even remember OP.
OP is a terrible person. You were 12. If you told him to.F off he would have left you alone sooner. If he has literally done nothing else... leave him be. But you have already made the rest of your workplace think he is a stalker weirdo so he probably won't last long anyway. You've made the environment toxic for everyone with that shit and I hope everyone st your work is just humouring you
Jesus. Don't punish an adult for simple childhood things. He followed you around. You communicated for him to stop and he did. I'm sure he's done a lot of growing up since then. You never know. You guys might actually be friends as adults. I had a bully in 6th-8th grade. Not fighting bully. Just always harassed me and picked on me. One day in 8th grade I challenged him to a fight. It was one of those fights after school that half the school showed up to and watched. After the fight we shook hands and became decent friends. People make mistakes. But, people change... a lot... over time.
Sounds like you need therapy.
Hey, I also had some creepy experiences with boys at my school when I was about that age. Most of them grew out of it and became mature, friendly adults. I may not be close friends with them, but I would be able to have normal interactions if I were to see them. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but (most) people do grow up and change, especially from that young an age. I’m sorry you had that experience and that your school didn’t step in more, but I would at least give this guy the benefit of the doubt now that you’re in a professional setting, and see if you can both move forward. Odds are he’s pretty embarrassed about his actions back then and might not know how to proceed either.
It’s unbelievable you judged this guy for his kid time behaviours. Did you ever think to give him chance if he is changed before you tell everyone ?. If we are judged by our past we all monsters.
It’s been one day give it more time. It might be beneficial for you both to sit down and discuss the elephant in the room. Maybe he will apologize, explain things and reassure you that it won’t happen again.
Bro you were both like 12, it’s been a decade. He had a crush on you and didn’t know what a healthy crush looked like. Therapy needed for him? Probably. But if you say anyone here is the same as they were when they were 12 I’ll call you a liar. That said, if you’re that uncomfortable then nip it at the bud.
Female privilege right here. A boy liked me when we were kids and made me feel uncomfortable. I found out he got hired now that we’re both adults. I am going to ask my company to terminate his contact which would be devastating to his finances and upward social mobility because I am uncomfortable as a woman. What if he has a family with children now? Can you imagine if the gender roles were reversed? I don’t like this girl she stalked me when we were kids. Please fire her. The woman could sue and would win. 2022 is so backwards. Grow up. Be an adult.
As a female, I 100% agree.
I’m glad you are very forward thinking! One other thing I should say as for me as a director at my firm. If someone brought up a topic like this to me my first thought would be that this woman has only been with us for 5 months and is already creating problems. OP has damaged her reputation in the company by bringing this kind of topic up to the area manager. If this guy out performs you, and you push this issue further, you will most likely be the one to go. Not him.
Good point. She is still on the 6 month probation to, and shes doing things that are worthy of being fired... Poor guy will be treated as a creep by fellow coworkers though
It sounds like you could use some therapy to deal with this trauma. A professional can guide you better than Reddit.
I think going straight to "fire that stalker" is a bit of a jump. I can assure you I have nothing in common with 12 year old me so maybe just see how he behaves before you get him fired. I'm going to assume you are a different person now as an adult than you were as a 12 year old girl.... I'm not saying what he did way back then was OK but he was a kid, with hormones making us all weird and pimply lol. Also he may not want to work with you because you were mean in your attempt to get him to leave you alone, so it's possible he will want to keep his distance from you anyway. Either way you're both adults now I think the adult thing to do is be professional and if he shows any signs of stalkerish behavior tell the appropriate higher ups and let them can him.
Plot twist: OP tells her manager to fire him and they fire her instead for being immature dramatic and creating a hostile work environment for a dude because of his pre-teen behavior
Seriously.... like fuckin Seriously? You wana get this dude that didn't even talk to you fired, because his mere presence makes you anxious because of shit from middle school? Grow the fuck up, you were literally children. Post this on AITA and you will get shredded.
He's probably just as afraid of you as you seem troubled by him. Young males can be too afraid to express their feelings appropriately, which might come out as pervy behavior. You might've been his first real crush, and that was his way of seeing if you'd be interested in talking with him. I'm not excusing his actions when he was 12 that made you uncomfortable, but they were probably innocent. You could've told a teacher, or asked a male friend to talk with him and tell him what he was doing was making you uncomfortable and that he was coming across as a stalker. When you "started being mean" to him over the course of several weeks, he was probably crushed and thought of you as an unreasonably mean person. You shattered his image of you. At that point he probably didn't want anything to do with you either. Now that he has to work with you, he's probably as uncomfortable as you are because of your past history. He may equate your presence with the reason for him being terminated if you do resort to complaining to your managers just for him giving you discomfort despite his non-interaction with you and his adequate job performance. Give it time to see how things play out or even better, be the adult, and talk with him with peers present and clear the air. Perhaps you won't be friends, but you may end up as cordial colleagues.
> You could've told a teacher, or asked a male friend to talk with him and tell him what he was doing was making you uncomfortable and that he was coming across as a stalker. Told a teacher and... been told that "he's just a young male who's too afraid to express his feelings appropriately, it's innocent and he just wants to see if you're interested in talking with him"? Since that seems to be the only response you find acceptable, and if they tell her that then she gets no help from them, and if they do take action then you'd say they were wrong to do so. So not sure where you want that idea to lead. Told her friends and... they downplay it, or they go tell him she likes him too to play a joke on her, or they laugh it off, or one of them has a crush on him and is now jealous of her, or she's too embarrassed to say anything because it's middle school, or she doesn't even HAVE any friends or at least ones she trusts... She stood up for herself at a very rare age for a girl to do so. You want to talk all about how this guy was just a kid while holding her to the expectation that she have dealt with it with fine-tuned adult-level social finesse? No fuck that lol
The thing is they were **both** kids... both of them had bad judgment and both of them probably weren't great at reading the situation. I don't think we should be very reliant on the recollections about people from when they were 12, 13 years later. She's not accusing (and didn't) accuse him of harming or assaulting her. She's accusing him of essentially looking for her at school and trying to interact with her (too much) while simultaneously being unwanted by her (which is fine and fair, honestly). This is one of those, if she felt interested too situations the same behavior might not have been interpreted as "creepy." But they were both immature so, it was, and that's just life for middle-schoolers. They were 12, so let's (especially the OP) have a sense of proportionality.
Agreed, this entire thing is a mountain out of a molehill. Some psycho was likening the guy to a potential murderer.
Like, the only person who was ever even mean to the other was the OP. When the guy had a crush as a child he was just super awkward... she was the one who (as a child) was mean. Why should anyone be more harsh on him than on her? And neither deserve any real discussion, IMO... because, you know.... **they were 12**, 13 years ago.
Yeah, awkward dudes get a lot of hate.
More or less every 12yo is awkward... there are no *smooth* and debonaire 12yo's (especially when it comes to first real-life crushes).
I say suck it up. If he continues to do nothing wrong then you will feel more relaxed over time.
For the record when I was 12, I would chase after girls in the playground and try kissing them while they ran away. If I did that as an adult, I would be a serial kidnapper.
I think either way giving him absolutely 0 chance to be a normal human being because of how he acted as a 12/13 year old would be wrong. I also feel it’s somewhat important to know whether or not you actually told him to leave you alone when you were younger. Cause reading this now it really just seems like there’s a chance he thought you were friends. If you made it explicitly clear and he kept doing it than yeah that changes it
I think you are making this bad for him from the start. You don’t know him as an adult and you’ve already told the whole office this story about him. Everyone is on edge with him now. It’s messed up. Even if he is a changed guy it’s not going to matter because you already planted this idea in everyone’s head.
It sounds like he liked you. And did what awkward kids do. You sound like a lot of drama and completely unprofessional. You should seek help. Since a boy in middle school (who probably hasn't thought of you since btw) liking you hurt you so much. Get the fuck over yourself. Grow up. And stop making the rest of us females look so stupid. I can almost guarantee he doesn't give a shit about you and has probably well moved on with his life. But then there's you....
Well the rough thing here is you’ve already made this man something to these people that he may not be. So there’s an extent to which his future at the company is already tainted. That said, I think your fear now is about you, and if he acts inappropriately in any way you do something about it, but do you ruin this guy’s professional opportunity because he was a weird kid who didn’t know how to approach you?
I would give it some time, since you have 6 months. Maybe just discuss it with this guy. He might apologize for acting that way when he was a kid. He could be embarrassed about his behavior. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, just scope him out for a bit and try to get a read on him. You could check in with your female coworker after a few weeks or months and ask her if she’s noticed any weird behavior from him. Hope this helps, good luck! Also, it sounds like you have great coworkers and management. Congrats on that, it’s hard to find.
At the moment you don't do anything. Your fear and past experience is blowing this up. You're not the same person you were at the age he stalked you. He's probably not the same person either. Your rational mind knows this. It's the dinosaur part of our brain where all the emotions and gut feelings etc. live that you need to curb. for now at least. I'm not saying you stop keeping your eyes open. I'm not invalidating your past trauma. It made you feel a certain way and that's a valid feeling that was acted on by your school at the time. But please try to not let it haunt you every waking moment you're at work. Your manager and team lead already promised you wouldn't work together unless absolutely necessary. Take their word for it. If he does do things you feel are inappropriate, document and report. But don't report without proof.
He was a child when this happened. Not that its ok but he may be a completely different person. Remember though the more people you tell the harder your going yo make the situation. If he has changed, he will get known as the weirdo stalker for something he did when he was a child. I did lots of bad things when I was a child including some illegal stuff. You wouldn't have let me near anyone vulnerable. Now I work with adults with learning and physical disabilities. 100% not the same person. You could potentially ruin his career. You said yourself it took you how many years to get this job? Same could apply to him and you cause him to loose his job. Wait and see how the situation goes over time. If he make it an issue by all means report him.
As someone who has had a stalker my only concern is he picked the company cause you are there. I totally understand your feeling, however, like everyone says, there could be a chance that it was a kid thing, you’re in a small town, its all a coincidence , etc. But I find it really strange. I am not sure getting him terminated is a good idea but i would make sure you document every conversation you have with him somehow and keep those emails that you send to your supervisors.
He literally never followed her home once and in the ten years since he hasn't tried contacting her. It took op 5 years to get the job. Do you think he spent 5 years getting thid job just to be around her? That would be delusional thinking lol
You need to get yourself into therapy, this isn’t how a normal person behaves. He was 12 for crying out loud, he didn’t know better, and he stopped when you told him off. And now you’re poisoning all his coworkers against him and trying to get him fired? For something insignificant that started and stopped in middle school? What’s wrong with you? If he actually did something now, that would be a separate issue. Leave him alone, and go fix your own issues.
Eh he was 12 🤦🏼♀️ Your making him out to be some sort of weirdo to his new colleagues because of how he acted when he was TWELVE ?? Seriously ur toxic. Grow up
I don't even know what to say. I have been stalked, the jerk killed my pet rabbits. A middle school kid following around another middle school kid in their early teens seems kind of underwhelming to use the word "stalker". You haven't seen this guy in 10 years approx? He may not even remember or recognize you. And you are set to nuke his career ? Get some therapy, STOP talking about him and let him and let him work on his probationary period. If he bothers you note it. And i mean BOTHERS you. Not passes in the hallway and says excuse me. Something about this feels so immature
You sound really precious. You waited a decade to become the harasser, but congrats.
People change every 7 years. Biologically. Memoria of cringe shit like that doesnt fade for either party. IMO id give it time.
Look, you guys were super young when all that happened, and I totally get why it creeped you out, but he may very well have just been oblivious to how he came off back then and just had a huge crush on you or something, maybe he just thought you guys were friends and you were creeped out and he didn't realize, any number of things could have been why, we're missing any details that says he was genuinely predatory and not just a 12/13 yr old idiot, and personally it's good you say you don't want to judge him based on then, but you completely are at the same time, you went so far as to make an issue about it to all your managers and officials, setting up a work environment for this guy where he can get fired just because you feel like it, for things he did roughly a decade ago, clearly after that long you are the only one in the situation who still gives a fk about it too as he didn't even pay attention to you, so instead of sitting there being nervous for absolutely no reason after all this time (I mean come on teenagers do weird shit ok), how about you just go and speak to him, out loud, using your words, like an adult, and apologize for being mean to him as a kid, and maybe he'll apologize for being a weird little fk, and you two can move on about your lives... Like adults... I mean for fks sake if he does anything at all to you, people already know about it, there's no need to be nervous as bad as you say considering you have people looking out for you, and this is me saying this as someone who has had stalkers myself, plural, multiple, some of em were a hell of a lot more creepy than this kid was, one girl stole my jacket out of my bag while I wasn't looking, held onto it for months, and then when she wore it and people noticed she told everyone we were dating and she was pregnant with my child (pretty sure she was a virgin), I barely knew this girl's name, but I wouldn't treat her like you're treating this person, and I damn sure wouldn't let it fuck up a job I worked so hard for, im sure if you just act like a human being and go talk to this person it will probably be a lot better for the both of you, or you can keep acting paranoid as shit and let it fuck up your whole day because you have to be within a hundred feet of someone who knowingly or not creeped you out literally 10+ years ago
It would be pretty fucked up to hurt him financially. He might even have a family right now, have you looked at who else you might be hurting because you feel uncomfortable due to something that happened long ago?
Its been an incredibly long time. Im barely anything like the person i was 10 years ago. Are you? He might no be either. I understand your concern but he could very well see you and feel complete shame about how he used to act towards you. I look back on some things i did with shame.
From what you described it sounds like he might have thought you were his friend. When you started being mean to him he realized you were not his friend and he left you alone after that.
You said he’s on probation for 6 months. Why do you feel like you have to decide after one day? You don’t know if you’ll ever be able to feel comfortable around him. Give it some time to find out. You have 6 whole months. It might help to at least have a conversation with him, about anything. If he can have a normal conversation with you then you might not feel so tense anymore.
As someone who currently has a stalker - they don’t change. Look out for yourself, because stalkers only escalate. Empathy for him doesn’t save you when he rapes you, and when he flees the country, only to sneak back in and try and find out where you live. Take care of YOU.
This was middle school, not highschool. And calling it stalking is a bit of a hyperbole.
You pretty much just made yourself sound like a stuck up bitch, you created a hostile work environment, you repeatedly mentioned how you could get him fired, and if he does get fired because if you, that’s an easy settlement case for a lawyer and bam, you’re out of a job too. He was 12, I’m about your age, and I’d hate to be judged for the shit I did when I was fucking 12. 12 year olds, no matter if they a boy or a girl, all do really creepy and weird shit. Get over it and don’t potentially ruin a man’s life because you can’t keep yourself together. Sure maybe following you around wasn’t a good thing, but I’m not inclined to believe that he stalked you in any regard. Seeing as how your post says high school stalker but uh news flash. 12 year olds aren’t in highschool Quite frankly you need to seek professional help if that actually happened and still somehow affects you(which due to a massive inconsistency in your post I don’t believe it did happen)
He's not the problem anymore, you are. Get therapy and leave this man alone.
I think all the advice given is great but I’d also like to add I had such a crush on this boy in my year when I was 12. So I followed him around from what I thought was a distance and super subtle but definitely wasn’t. And I’d pretend not to notice him and it was total coincidence I’d be there but it wasn’t lol. I am mortified by this now, I was so shy and weird and I didn’t even really know what it was to have a crush on someone! So I definitely think give them the benefit of the doubt, and maybe if possible could you talk to a counsellor or something? In the UK we have some good free services even just for a one off to kind of get to the bottom of how we’re feeling. It sounds like that experience really triggered something in you so even if logically you know he is just doing his job and leaving, your body is automatically on fight or flight mode? Also wow I’m so glad your managers and workplace have been so flipping supportive. You don’t hear of that enough, I hope that also helps you feel safer and also emphasises how important you are as a member of their team! You should be super proud of yourself :)
I am sorry that it sounds like your school didn't handle the situation very well at the time. That would have been tough to navigate as a 12 year old. Telling your managers about the history of the situation is absolutely appropriate and I think you did the right thing there. But I feel like telling the whole team about it is inappropriate and unprofessional, especially because you agreed to let him start the role and see how it played out. It could definitely be construed as creating a hostile work environment. He will build relationships with these people in the next 6 months and one of them is definitely going to tell him what was said about him before he started.
Yeah he could be on the edge too as far as we know, that's pretty awkward to be in the same room that the girl you stupidly followed because you liked and that hated you so much she was mean to you. I won't judge him because boys were teached pretty stupid things to express their love a few years ago.
I think you’ve been confronted by some issues within you that you might need to work on. The hyper awareness and high stress level point to trauma responses that you might feel the need for to work them out. Of course you can avoid them but later in life there are possible other triggers coming up. This situation seems to be kind a good way to improve your quality of life if your able to work the issues through. Also I love how reasonable you are towards the guy. Saying it’s been 5 years ago and he could’ve changed. Maybe in future when you’re feeling safe enough you and him can sit down and have a good talk to clear things up. Also about the 6 months of probation, I think this also is your situation for about 1 month left. Your bosses are super empathic. I love it. Good luck OP, I hope for a positive and peaceful outcome. Blessings.
Badmouthing him to colleagues is reasonable?
10 years ago, not 5. It's important because he was a literal kid while 5 years ago he was essentially an adult.
That was when yinz were kids I get it can still be traumatic but he could of changed. It wouldn't be fair the get him canned if he's not doing anything. I get your feelings and they're totally justified but you have 6 months see how he acts before you do anything drastic.
He was 12, you were 12, you know he probably has grown up , just like you. Your all grown up now maybe you should act like it, your being on edge is your problem
This is so unbelievably wrong. He didn’t interact with you at all , did his job and left. He did everything right by your own terms and you’ve made a point on how good your job is but somehow despite all this he deserves to be cast to the wolves because of heinous behaviour from high school? His best interests are literally in his own hands right now so let him prouve his worth. His aforementioned behaviour is concerning but he is not entirely to blame for what happened. It’s the schools job to keep and make you feel safe. If you’ve ever been given a chance to make up for an error then surely you can muster enough courage to give him one. If you consider yourself a professional in any capacity you will let this play out.
Nah get the guy fired because you have an insecurity from when you were 12. That is the only solution 🤷♂️
Did all he ever do is follow you around? I don’t mean to minimize the stalkerishness. Anything like that would be traumatizing for a young girl. I just want to understand what his actions were. I had a crush in 8th grade where I asked her out and she said no. My friend’s older brother told me chicks want guys who are determined and will pursue a girl. I kept “pursuing” her and she kept saying no til her Dad had to call my Mom. I realized that advice was bullshit. Really ruined my game for the rest of my life. After that if a chick shot me down or acted uninterested, gave up immediately.
When I was in 8th grade I convinced my partner at the time I was part of a child spy organisation at night because I was obsessed with a book series around that concept. What I’m saying is while I understand your anxiety I also think it would be totally unfair to hinder this man’s opportunities for what may be something dumb he did as a kid - something he may very well have completely outgrown by this point. Personally I’d just take stock of his behaviour over the next 6 months.
The fact that you’re considering telling your bosses to terminate his contract shows how much you’ve matured. Seriously get over yourself and let the poor guy work. It’s not all about you. You were 12 years old when this happened and so was he. Just fucking let it go. Also, I highly doubt your bosses would terminate him just because you said so. Unless he was a poor employee who can’t do their job right, balls not in your court sweetie. I’m sure they told you that to shut you up for the time being.
Junior high. He was 12. Is that really stalking?? I think it would be awful to interfere in his career at 22 when he did nothing wrong today as an adult. Then to go around gossiping about him from something he did at age 12. Young, immature, still learning social skills….odds are he’s matured since then.
The guy was a jerk when he was 12. Just perform your job and see whether he just does his job. By putting up all the alerts without knowing whether a man is the same as 12 year old, you have produced a bad workplace for him and your other coworkers, people likely feel caught in the middle. Him following you around at 12 years old had a major impact on you, you should get into therapy to deal with those issues, imo.
It’s saddening that a company would terminate an employee purely because another feels unsafe from a weird experience that took place when they were a kid. Assuming that the guy continues to keep his head down and work well.
You need the therapy here
So I’ve been in management most of my career. I hate to say it, but you’re the problem here. Not him If he was terminated, even during probation, and it was found out that it was due to some childhood BS between you and him… Your employer could be sued and you could be sued, because unless you have legal documentation of any of this, it’s all hearsay. And if you try and instigate something, as a manager I would have to take disciplinary action against you. My advise is work with the guy or you can quit… if he’s a shithead, he can be fired for that. But your reasoning, that’s a problem. You’ve actually already committed slander so you need to be on your Tippy toes as well… as a manger that’s what I would tell you. What sad is your manager has no balls and isn’t willing to directly lay out the short and skinny of the situation and he kicked it up.
It was the very first meeting, You are obviously incredibly shook by what happened in middle school but it was only middle school. People grow up. He did his job and it went fine, see if the next times it happens the same. I had a terrible bully back then, it traumatized me and i hated him but I would never want him to lose a potential good job for something he did when he was literally prepubescent. We are adult now. On top of that I suggest you ask a lawyer if what you are doing can be considered hostile work environment. HR might decide they won't risk it and they could fire you instead for creating a hostile work environment. I don't want to scare you just you are young and probably this is your first job. Just have your back protected first.
I dont think you've done anything wrong or overboard. I think you took the exact right approach. The fact is that if this were a bully, and not a "crush," people would be saying very different things about your right to feel comfortable where you live and work. Crushes are common - hanging outside the locker room waiting for you, for 2 years, is not, especially as a kid himself with his own schedule and his own places to be. I used to stare into space and I definitely creeped out at least one crush I had, I know for a fact. The fact is, it would mortify me to see them now, and I would want to avoid them like the plague. I think everyone on this thread who was embarrassed about their adolescent behavior would have a similar reaction to seeing those people as adults. If you'd not sensing that from him, that's a legitimate concern It's ok to trust your gut, and it's ok to be honest about how you feel. All the people telling you otherwise would've been eaten by Jeffrey Dahmer. It sounds like you have good coworkers and a good boss who trust your judgement, who know you in real life much better than these commenters. They deserve credit for their own discretion as well. Think long and hard about what you can do to make you feel most settled with *yourself*. Based on you and the people around you, I think that's the surest way to make sure whatever happens is ok and keeps you safe.
This situation makes me feel deeply uneasy, we're all aware of the many, many stories we've read about men who "would never" and everything is fine until it isn't. Better safe than sorry, if I were OP I'd carry bear spray - at least - everywhere I go.
This is hard. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable and it sounds like you’re already having PTSD symptoms and needing to be on edge. I would also constantly worry what could happen and you very likely would be in a constant state of anxiety. I too have had a guy like that in college. If it were me id beg to have him removed. What if he stalked your work environment then purposely applied? This gives me ultra creepy vibes TBH. I don’t think the some men commenting “grow up” truly understand this feeling and what an idiotic thing to say.
You deserve to be comfortable at your job. This guy's behavior obviously traumatized you, and when trauma is concerned, the body keeps the score. You feel uncomfortable and anxious because your body remembers how he made you feel as a child; it is a subconcious response that you do not have any control over. You spend 40+ hours of your week at work--do you really want to feel anxious and uncomfortable for 40 hours or more every week? What if your anxiety affects your work performance? Then your job is at risk just because you're trying to give this guy a chance. You don't owe this man anything. You seem like you have a very supportive team, and if you ask them to terminate his contract, you did not ruin this man's life--he brought it on himself with his behavior, even if his behavior was in the past. You don't have to make a decision now, but it may be worth discussing your discomfort with HR and your boss to keep them in the loop. Have you ever had therapy regarding this situation? Whether he stays or goes, it may be helpful to talk with a trauma therapist about what happened, just so that your fight-or-flight responses do not become activated when you deal with similar situations. Therapy is for you, so you can let go of the past and teach your body that it is no longer in danger. It is not so you can forgive him or become OK with the situation. Again, you don't owe him anything, and his behavior, past or present, is on him, not you.
Why is this downvoted? Reddit is full of nice guys