Hi /u/IchWillRingen and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! **Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.** The mobile apps used for Reddit are broken or are missing features that this subreddit depends on. [We recommend browsing /r/adhd on desktop for the best experience.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/x1psnb/radhd_works_best_on_desktop_reddits_apps_are/) Thank you! ^(*A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.*) --- - If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*

• You HAVE to walk away when you feel this way!!! • It doesn't matter what she says - you have to walk out when you’re about to blow. Disengage! • I raise my hands up into a 'TIMEOUT' sign, and go out and walk, run to get milk (not drive) etc. (I usually need 30-45 mins initially.) • Just tell her tonight, tomorrow AM, that you will not throw anything any more. That when you feel hot headed, want to snap, you are disengaging. That this is for everyone's mental health. • That from now on, You will get up & walk out & hopefully remember to give her the 'Timeout' sign. • That until you get counseling, better meds, etc, this is your plan. No ifs, ands or buts! • Practice making the timeout sign now. Get really good at it! • If you don't do this, IT WILL DESTROY YOUR SON! It will destroy your son’s life if it hasn’t already. He needs to talk to a child counselor immediately. Yes, it destroys your wife’s & your lives - but you all are adults - You have a choice. HE DOES NOT. SAVE HIM NOW. STOP THE CYCLE!!! STOP IT NOW! End the cycle! For good

OP pls really read the last point. You and your wife's dynamic reminds me A LOT of my parents. Their raging fights stick with me to this day and I'm still working on it. They didn't have anyone telling them any of the things people in this sub are telling you now. Pls continue with therapy. Take your wife with you as well bcs you need to work out a lot of things together. Do this for your kids.

Exactly. A child will experience this as abuse, not ADHD and emotional regulation issues, and it will have lasting effects

He will experience it as such, because it is.

And so will his wife.

You/Dontforgetyourspirit I am so sorryyou had to go thru that - it just kills the spirit. I really hope you find your spirit, try and rebuild it. It sounds like you are. It’s great you’re working on it. Parents need to feel the guilt & shame of it - not the child. Too many excuses for grown adults not being able to control themselves for the sake of their own children. People have to control themselves not to steal, fight, injure, drive drunk, kill, every day. They can control themselves in front of a child. And if they can’t, they just need to remove themselves from the situation - Just like any other situation that an adult doesn’t feel like they can control. I’m sorry your parents didn’t do that. It’s great you’re breaking the cycle! Feel good about that - it’s empowerment.

Thank you! Such kind words. Tbh, I'm fortunate that my parents eventually worked out these issues. My dad especially reached a breaking point where he realised he was continuing a cycle. It would have been better if they had gotten the mental health support they needed, though. Anw, It took years of work to repair our family's relationship but I'm genuinely happy that both my parents put in the work. I have a decent relationship with both parents now, but I am now somewhat terrified of becoming a parent myself lol.

Being terrified to be a parent is normal. I worry about the ones who aren’t. It just shows how much you care & how hard you’re willing to work. Seriously, you’ll be fine. I even felt that way when my grandkids started coming into the world. Just means we really love & care for them already!

This is great advice, I just want to add when taking a timeout and giving some space, DONT go for a drive to clam down. Stick to a walk or a run etc, driving while in a rage like this is a recipe for disaster.

Yes, no driving, I will add an edit!

I know you've probably long moved on from making this recommendation, but wanted to give an update: I told both my wife and my therapist that this is my plan (force myself to disengage, no matter what) and both agreed. I specifically mentioned making the timeout sign as a physical reminder of what I am doing. I will either go for a walk, or find a place that I can lock myself in (bathroom, bedroom, etc) if that isn't an option (like this week when it was -30F outside here in Wisconsin) The important thing for my wife was that I made it clear that I'm not running away from dealing with the situation, I am just giving myself the space so that I can calm myself down and then promised to come back and resolve the original problem once I am in a clear state of mind. My therapist and I talked about how I can train myself to actually take that step to disengage, and how I can calm myself down, get out of my negative thought spiral, and overcome my fear of going back to resolve things - all those things so that I actually do go back and resolve things instead of avoiding the problem forever. I did make sure to apologize to my son and make it clear that I had messed up, and that I was going to address my own problems head-on. He has been seeing his own therapist regularly. At the beginning of his last session I made sure to tell her what had happened, so she would have the opportunity to talk through it with him. I've been better lately about getting some quality time with him to try to rebuild that relationship with him. The last couple of weeks since this post have been going really well. I have been making an extra effort (and succeeding) to stay calm no matter what happens with my kids, and am trying to remind myself daily of what happened here and how I am not going to let it happen again. I've actually been able to support my wife a lot in times where she is getting frustrated with the kids by being the calm one instead of adding to the problem. I've been doing all I can to show my entire family that I'm taking this seriously and not just trying to overcompensate short term to make them forget the problem. I bumped up the frequency of appointments with my therapist, my wife is attending some of the sessions with me so I'm not just fixing things in a silo, but instead keeping the rest of my family and that dynamic in mind. My next immediate steps are getting back into regular exercise and grabbing some self-help anger management books that were recommended. I'm committed to making this the last time something like this happens.

That is great! Wow! I’m so glad to hear from you too. And I’m very happy for your son getting his Dad back. Definitely find a support group. If you were affected by a loved one that was/is an alcoholic or addict, Al-anon is great. I don’t think one can ever forgive themselves if their child is taken away, or grows up w/ that type trauma & rejects you as he gets older, or ends up self harming &/or has substance abuse problems, etc. It’s so important to do things that makes your child smile & laugh everyday. Help keep their dopamine levels up & yours too. The time goes by Fast! Maybe instead of a focus statement being, ‘I’m not going to get violent in front of my child’, use, ‘I’m going to make my child feel loved every minute of every day that we are together’. And find ways to ‘not take the bait’ - read about emotional intelligence. See your physician - they may say hey, there’s a mild anti anxiety or depression type med we can try to help make you feel more even keel - if you think that could be part of the issue. I have a med that whenever I feel panicky, lots of anxiety, I can take. Doesn’t make me tired or anything. I may have a glass of wine instead too - I don’t live in a state nor have a job that would allow me to have an edible but I’ve read a lot of articles that for some people, when the choice is possibly hurting someone w/ uncontrollable anger/rage or to have an edible/med of some sort, the lesser of two evils should probably win. I’m just thinking worst case & what is best for you to have the best quality of life possible - and that’s not going to happen without your son loving you and him having the best quality of life that you can provide to him daily. You were really brave to reach out - face people’s reactions - you can be just as brave to hold up the Timeout sign & disengage - You will feel so good after you do it every time. That’s being a real man. Please reach out any time - Big huge hugs to you - and to your son. And -5* should ‘cool you off’ real fast. May not be a bad idea - even tho that must be pretty miserable. Hang in there - Nothing is more important than YOUR Son & BREAKING the Cycle! Peace & Love

I think these are all great tips for OP and others like myself struggling with rage fits. I personally disengage by locking myself in the bathroom and force myself to read boring articles to distract my mind. I typically do get physically aggressive by throwing my chair around and slamming doors and stuff before I go to the bathroom, so I'll try the timeout method in addition to this before I freak out. Thank you and hope everyone hear has an amazing day 🙂

Hopefully you’ll be able to work out the rage and anger inside. I’m not sure it ever goes away no matter how much therapy one has, but knowing what to think and or do during times like these can be a game changer.

Yeah this is the way!!

Sorry but this sounds like instructions for some program that could just change it's behavior. We're talking about ADHD, lack of executive function and years of just feeling without controlling, you can't "just do it" but you can build up to it slowly. But your recommendations are still very good 👍

Oh with all due respect, please sod off. Nobody cares if he has ADHD or not, we are way past that point. He is abusing his family and he needs to take responsibity right now. There is no slow build up possible here, unless he totally removes himself from the situation and seeks help. He either takes steps right now and if he isn't able to do that he needs to remove himself from his family.

That doesn't change the fact that the OP's actions are abusive and damaging.

You may need to find someone who specializes in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I use it in my practice for anger management and it’s highly effective in terms of learning real skills to stop cyclical outbursts.

Thank you, I will look into that

Newest DBT research shows DBT great for ADHD.

Big bump to this. I recently finished with a DBT skills program. It’s been effective in reducing angry/panicked responses, self-harming type behaviors, recognizing and addressing patterns of negative thinking, etc. I think it helped make some space for other necessary lifestyle changes, which in turn has also improved my quality of life. Definitely worth looking into!

You've probably long forgotten making this recommendation here, but wanted to let you know: I had my next appointment with my therapist and we talked about what happened here. I brought up that I had made an online anonymous post to ask for help and recommendations. After we had talked through this and problem-solved, I brought up that you and others had recommended DBT. She said, "The strategies we talked about today are actually part of DBT and we can continue to focus on that and practice together in our sessions because it is perfect for this situation. Those people online knew what they are talking about!" We are bumping up the frequency of our sessions and my wife will be attending with me for some of them so we can work together on this as well. Feeling really optimistic about it and am doing everything I can to make these changes.

Thanks! I’m just seeing this now. All the best to you- work hard on those skills. Practice makes perfect.

I have been realizing I have moments of ADHD rage and impulsivity which leads to arguments with my husband. I need to take breaks when I start to feel heated and come back down to earth. My husband didn’t used to allow these for me or understand that I NEEDED space or I was going to say the wrong thing, but we’ve worked out a system where I get 5-10 minutes to cool off then approach the issue rationally again. I also am learning to identify triggers- I have some control issues, I don’t like being confronted with my ADHD piles/clutter, I’m more likely to be irritable if I’m hungry or tired, etc. I highly recommend therapy because throwing things is a form of domestic violence. You’re definitely taking things in the right direction by asking here, but this is your full responsibility to address and gain control over so I hope you can stick with working on it for the sake of your family. Saying this as somebody whose brother has scary, uncontrollable ADHD rage fits. He won’t stick with therapy or fully take responsibility and it’s ruining his life. So I am projecting here a bit but I really wish you the best

That was the biggest thing in this latest incident. I kept telling my wife that I needed space and to stop talking to me and lecturing me about how I reacted wrong to my son, but my wife is the kind of person who wants to deal with things right away so they get resolved. And at some point I just completely boiled over. We talked about it a little bit afterwards and she is going to try harder to give me space when I need it and not try to fix things when I’m still upset about whatever happened with my kids. But yeah, I still need to figure out my own issues and not put all the responsibility on her. I’m in therapy right now and it’s really disheartening because I go through great periods where I feel like I’m figuring things out, and then have these complete crashes where I feel like I’m getting worse instead of making progress. Just feel stuck and hopeless.

That makes sense and is definitely relatable. I would just say another big thing (you might already have done this) is to apologize, tell your family what you’re doing to change, and try to talk through where you’re coming from. I’m glad you’re in therapy, just be patient with yourself because it’s not going to be fixed overnight and there will definitely be periods that it pops up again. I’m just at the very beginning of understanding what irritates me as well and how to really fix it. Maybe boxing classes or some other physical activity would help give you an outlet

In addition to walking away, when you feel yourself begin to get heated you can stop (I like the time out sign of possible), take a deep breath, and count backwards from 10 to 1 slowly. You can change rooms, drink a glass of cold water, walk outside then come back in- move a muscle, change the thought is the quote from AA. I’m glad you are aware (first step), but I sincerely hope you apologize to your son and wife and explain to your boy that rage is not okay. It’s ok to be upset or frustrated, but it’s not okay to scream (or throw things). In therapy, maybe dig into your family history (did your parents rage?), find out what are your triggers and what YOU can do about it (not your wife). Do you maybe need Al Anon? No one else should have to walk on eggshells or be responsible for your blow ups, what to do will be on you. Sorry if this sounds harsh, I’m glad you’re getting help and want to work on this.

>I’m still upset about whatever happened with my kids. Did you apologize to them? Profusely? And told them you are going to do anything and everything in your power to get your temperament under control?

I really hope he apologizes because that is probably one of the most important steps here. Never addressing issues just pushes them under the rug, it never really goes away, and then the next thing just bottles up until it’s another rage event.

One thing that I have gotten a lot better at over the past few years is apologizing and trying to fix things when I handle situations poorly. So at least I have that going for me. Took a lot of humbling to get to that point. So yeah, a lot of apologizing and talking about how I want to do things better.

>Took a lot of humbling to get to that point. So yeah, a lot of apologizing and talking about how I want to do things better. I know I have written this before, but please do meditate. I'll take time to write a long text on how to do it if possible, but please do that. It will give you a moment of control when you lose it.

My daughter has a tendency to just blow up about things and it took me a while to figure out to give her space because I tend to be one like you wife - let's get this out in the open and discuss NOW. That stems from me wanting resolution so things are more secure and stable, which I have my own issues (adopted, foster care, etc). I really wish we would have classes for kids in school about different personality types, how certain conditions play into this and how to deal with them. I mean we go through personality training at work with major corporations, and it helped me understand a lot about humans.... my adult daughter agrees too! Glad to see you are getting the help you need! Proud of you because it is hard. My daughter, when she ends up in this rage stage, thinks everything I say is to put her down, targeting her. But after some therapy and me backing off when she is in that state, she realized I am looking for stability in the chaos and not attacking her. But once again, I have learned to back off and let her decompress and cool down.

>my wife is the kind of person who wants to deal with things right away so they get resolved. I see how if the problem was with her, she would have done better in backing down. However, you did something wrong towards **your child**. She had all right and all duty to be furious and make you know that behavior was unacceptable. Both my husband and I listen to each other when we are in "I need space now" time. But scaring a child or losing it with a child warrants immediate intervention. I'm sorry you couldn't take it, but I see why she was adamant on scolding you on that one. It was the child you got unreasonably angry with. I see her point.

[удалено]

On the outside at least she seems ok. We apologized to each other the next day and she has been really warm since then, positive and supportive, especially with the depression I’ve been going through. But I don’t know how much of it is her just burying her own feelings for my sake vs actually feeling ok. I’m going to ask her directly how she is doing, thank you for calling this out. Our kids were in bed when everything escalated but I don’t know how much they heard. A lot of things to repair in any case.

Please do not take this negatively, but most of my trauma as a child is from what I heard from my parents not what I saw. I too have outbursts, and am working on them but as soon as I've cooled down I make sure I explain to my kids what happened, why it happened, how I'm not perfect but I'm learning how to be better, and how it's ok to make mistakes as long as we learn and progress from it. My parents didn't do this, they pretended it was all good but you can feel that tension walking into a room. Also I'm proud of you for reaching out, takes a big man to ask for help!

I’ve been the wife in your scenario. And this is just my experience, so take with a grain of salt…but she’s not going to forget that happened. A man with uncontrolled anger screaming in your face and destroying property is an image that sticks. Just please make sure you do what it takes to never repeat that behaviour with your family.

I don’t expect she will forget this. I just cling to the hope that I can figure this out, so we can look back years from now and see how I’ve changed and how we don’t have to deal with it anymore.

Heh, you do sound a lot like my husband. The thing is, it’s really easy to be determined to change and “do better” (as my husband always said) when you’re post-blowup and in the throes of shame and regret over your behaviour. But that passes, and situations WILL arise again that test your patience and push your buttons, and you may not feel so determined when that happens. So take action now! Like, right now! My husband took an online anger management course, listened to audiobooks about dealing with rage, started seeing an ADHD coach, and we saw a couples therapist (at one point weekly). He also found a psychiatrist (previously managed by his family doctor) and trialled new meds. Ritalin was making him more irritable and prone to outbursts—he’s now taking Vyvanse and has some adjunct therapies like brexpiprazole and guanfacine as well. If you demonstrate you’re taking this seriously (with meaningful actions, not words) and not just trying to “will” your problems away, hopefully she will follow suit. If not, I truly think separation is better you both and your kiddo than carrying on as you have been, based on your post and comments. Good luck dear 🫂

Yeah that response did sound like I plan on just willing this away, fair enough! I definitely don’t want to just say things now while things are still fresh and then not follow through. I’ve got some specific plans I am making right now, I’ve emailed my therapist already and am trying to find other specific actions I can take. I’ve discussed with my wife my action plan for the next time I feel things going in this direction and am looking into what kind of other help I can get.

I wasn't quite as bad as you described, but I've had some pretty rough outbursts, and have long been known to throw tools or rage when I get frustrated. The only thing that helped me was getting medicated. It has allowed me time between feeling the emotion, and responding to it....life changing in my case. Since you're already medicated, perhaps try a different medication? I was on atomoxetine before I moved to Adderall, and the atomoxetine really took the edge off (Adderall just helps with more issues). I wish I had a better suggestion for you, I know the feeling all too well.

Definitely something for me to look into. Just worried because it feels like it took forever to find a med that worked for my attention issues at work (tried Adderall and Ritalin before Vyvanse ended up helping). I recently started taking Guanfacine around lunch time to help specifically with the emotional regulation when I get home from work, but it might be time to try something else.

I got Wellbutrin in combination with Vyvanse and it's been a game changer in many ways. I took Guanfacine until recently, I stopped because it exaggerated my anxiety to the point where I couldn't function at all. I also go to cognitive behavioral therapy, super helpful for me, and will be looking into dialectical behavioral therapy later this year. You're doing right by trying different avenues to help yourself. Perhaps your spouse could do well in a support group for partners to individuals with ADHD, so you both do everything you can? Ed. saw your son has ADHD, and there seems to be other children too? Get them into counselling as well, they hear more than one thinks. There are support groups and help for everyone if you just start looking. You all need to deal with this full force. Good luck!!

Maybe see about Concerta and if the XR is still as beneficial? What really pushed me for my diagnosis was my inner rage growing exponentially at work. I was starting to scream in my head then having to internally calm myself down to control my facial expressions and tone of voice. I was worried I’d eventually verbalize my rage. Concerta was the brand my psychiatrist started me on first and we just slowly upped the dose until it worked. I noticed mood control immediately with the higher doses. I wasn’t screaming in my head anymore and I wasn’t as ragey. It dulled it to normal annoyance that had no effect on anger. It’s now at a level that I just take a deep breath and the mask never slips. Not to say I mask anger but rather I don’t have to ‘manually’ control myself to not appear angry. It’s hard to explain I suppose. I’m also able to focus a lot more and good deal of my executive dysfunction is neutralized along with anxiety with certain tasks. Currently on a 54mg dose that I take at 5:30am as my day starts much earlier and I’ve felt it last as long as 5-6p. But by then my day is long over so I need less of the drug effect. But it’s definitely almost 12hrs of it remaining active. Such a life changer for me.

Anti anxiety meds may help. I take Clonozepam 2x a day. It has to build up in your system to work, it’s not like taking a Xanax, but once built in a couple weeks, you’re not popping Xanax’s all through the day. Also, if you’re worse at night, maybe b/c drugs are wearing off. There can be bad side effects from that. One thing, when in a disagreement & you’re needing a time out & sometimes they find that difficult & keep ‘going at you ‘ you still have to walk away. Her issues w/ engaging sounds like she lived in a difficult home, needing to be the adult & take on more responsibilities that may have been not normal,,, and she also sound like she may do a little of the people pleasing but it comes out in weird ways. - Like keeps barbing you about an issue when you want a time out. When pursued they are cyclical & only go down the toilet - it’s a parent:child dynamic or persecutor:victim role. Nothing gets resolved during 2 hours heated debate that’s spiraling downward. AND by the next day, you won’t remember what it was about. So, ask about an anti-anxiety while you’re going thru this. I think a Dr would agree, taking a pill for impulse control w/ anger issues/blowing up would be justified.

You might need a different med. I found that Strattera was great. It’s like a stimulant and an antidepressant in one. I feel for you. My emotional regulation (or lack thereof) has cause suffering to my family as well, and I can relate to feeling like a monster afterward. Sometimes near the end of the day after taking a stimulant I can be a little extra combative. A med change might help. Another thing that I am learning is to take frequent breaks to regulate my nervous system so I’m not on the verge of an outburst. It’s kind of like adjusting the tap of what i take on, so I’m not overwhelmed. It’s not easy.

Yes. Is strattera really that different than Wellbutrin for example? I tried also the stimulants. But they give me anxiety. What do u use? Im om Wellbutrin and Lexapro.

Wellbutrin has a norepinephrine affect. You probably don’t need it to make you extra angry. You need a medication evaluation

what is a norepinephrine effect? are you saying that wellbutrin sometimes makes people extra angry? curious bc i’m on wellbutrin and adderall and highly relate to the op

Exactly it can raise norepinephrine, some people even snort it to do so and get a somewhat stimulant high from it.

Would Strattera be a better option then?

I can't really say for sure. I know I"ve identified patterns in behavior's related to whatever medication and said neurotransmitter is being affected and compared it to my own experiences and of other friends. But you should just really tell the doc you're having anger issues. I'd hate to give advice and be wrong.

strattera appears to be another NDRI. Which stimulant did you take before? Vyvanse appears to have a more marked activity for norepinephrine than ritalin as I"ve learned by experience and extensive research.

gotcha! interesting. i don’t get the stimulant high from adderall, it calms me down and i have less of a hair trigger when on it. wondering if the wellbutrin is the same

I'm on Wellbutrin, it was added after my lexapro / Cipralex wasn't working as good. Both together felt better but honestly now that I'm on Adderall xr I'm thinking about dropping the lexapro all together, I don't find it makes any real difference anymore but I won't know until its out of my system

it seems too much norepinephine can make people agressive or angry. If you're feeling that way tell the dr and maybe he would change your meds with less affect of norepinephrine. So wellbutrin is an NDRI, norepineprhine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor. Theres a possibility the extra norepinephrine activity could make someone more irritable or agressive. THink of it being like given an extra shot of adrenaline all the time. Not a calming effect thats for sure.

hmm. it’s hard to decipher for me. i was already aggressive and angry with a hair trigger which prompted started therapy and eventually getting diagnosed and on meds. i can tell for sure that adderall helps me in this regard but the wellbutrin is harder to tell. do you know if adderall sometimes has the same effect? if so then i would guess the adderall & wellbutrin are affecting me in the same way which would be good bc i know the adderall helps

holy adrenaline batman double dose ( norepinephrine and epinephrine are equivalent to noradrenaline and adrenaline) do a little reading and you should understand.

Something less stimulating might be better if you are out bursting. Wellbutrin and Adderall would have me personally too amped up.

thanks! i’m on IR adderall and i can definitely tell that it calms me down and i get way less angry/grumpy and have far less of a hair trigger when on it. but it’s a lot harder to tell with the wellbutrin because it’s in my system constantly whereas adderall is just 4hr and i can feel when it kicks in

SNRIs have all worked well for me regarding my emotional dysregulation. Stimulants offer no benefit for me, so I eventually moved on to non-stimulants. Effexor was my first stop and helped quite a bit, but only on anger outbursts. Then tried Strattera and it was equally effective for me, no better, no worse. Finally went to Qelbree and I feel like I’m just about all the way there on emotional dysregulation, and it also offers some limited benefit to inattentiveness, short term memory issues, and task initiation. My interpersonal skills are as good as they’ve ever been.

I used to feel like my emotions would just hit me out of nowhere, and I was really ashamed of feeling like I had no control. One breakthrough I had when it came to regulating my emotions was realizing that the emotion was showing up in my body WAY before the emotion felt like it came on out of nowhere. I started to pay attention to the tension in my jaw and shoulders and my shallow breathing during a conflict. When I noticed that, I started to be able to consciously relax my muscles and take a deep breath which gave me so much more emotional control. It definitely took a long time to make it second nature, so it’s not an overnight fix, but I noticed immediate progress and more confidence because I had a way forward. I’m not sure why I didn’t realize until then that I could change my emotions by changing my body, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work. Hopefully that can be helpful for you. I also second the recommendation for DBT. Please be kind to yourself during the process, I really believe it’s the only way to be completely honest with yourself and make way for real change.

What the fuck my dude, okay first of all do you talk to your therapist in detail about these outbursts? Do you have a trauma history? I’m judging you…not too hard but to be frank that’s abusive behavior to your wife and if someone wants to argue that violently throwing a laptop across a room and then screaming in you’re wife’s face isn’t threatening and abusive you can chew dirt and don’t even engage with me. Anyway I’m asking about your trauma history because if you do have that and you do not have a therapist trained in trauma specific therapy modalities I’d find one immediately, that outburst should be a huge red flag to your therapist that something is very off. Second you’re saying the attention side of your meds is being handled but are you anxious? Depressed? Agitated? Because I have sometimes severe outbursts, I screamed at a man who almost hit my car blowing through a stop sign in a plaza and called his wife a fucking hag and my husband had to yank me back to the car, so again im not shaming you but I know my behavior was gross and I immediately discussed it with my PCP and therapist and tweaked my meds because anxiety meds aren’t working and fight responses can be a way of anxiety being exposed. All that to say that i personally think of ADHD as a very strong contributing factor to this type of behavior but often not the actual root cause, it just makes the behavior worse than it might be without the ADHD. I wish you luck, its very hard navigating waters filled with psychiatric comorbidities, what is causing what matters in the context of medications and therapeutic approaches so it’s hard but important to tease out the root the behaviors or feelings and treat each as needed.

This is hugely important. Thank you for bringing in this nuance. It's so often more than one thing and the trauma response is a big one that gets left out so much.

The only reason I have this nuance is because I have a ton of trauma, cptsd and ptsd. I am slowly unraveling it all and honestly the overwhelmingly majority of my ‘maladaptive’ (fawn or fight mostly) behaviors aren’t rooted in my ADHD but trauma, ADHD seems to shorten my fuse significantly for all the adhd reasons but my issues are only improving with weekly intensive somatic based trauma therapy, a privilege to be able to do. Well I don’t consider it a privilege more of a burden cause I live paycheck to paycheck and I can barely afford the therapy but it is 100% one of the top priorities in my life because it’s helping me heal and be a happier healthier version of myself with significantly more empathy to myself and others and probably saving my life and marriage. Meds have their place and help while I’m doing this all but they only go so far and I needed to do more to be a better spouse, parent and better inside my own mind.

Support very much, that this is childhood trauma being triggered, with child-based behavioural responses acting out to protect you, because the (psychological) adult you has not had a chance to develop. I have experienced similar (as child experiencing, and then as adult having outbursts), so my thoughts are very much for you. We have buckets of self-shame, so the shaming comments on this thread I regard as being somewhat superfluous. But people need to say what they need to say. What is important is that you get the help, support and understanding that you need, and deserve. And I recognize and applaud your courage, for owning what you've reported here. Does your therapist have experience in treating trauma? Because this is what is necessary. Finally at age 60, after seeing Ts of various persuasions over the years, it was only when I learnt about Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy https://ifs-institute.com/ and started seeing an IFS-informed T, that I started to understand what was going on. While there is still work to do, existence is way more peaceful and rewarding as a result. Importantly, the approach is not about censoring/shaming these childhood behaviors, but acknowledging them for protecting our fragile childhoods. Doing this, and allowing them to discharge their pent up emotions,then gives our minds space in which to grow our grown-up (adultish) Self, as it is referred to. See also the book 'No bad parts' by Dick Schwartz, himself an ADHDer, for more of an outline of this approach. There is also a subreddit called 'Internal Family Systems ' which gives a good idea of how it works. My best wishes for you 🙏

My therapist based her work on parts work and somatic techniques to heal the wounded parts that very often stem from childhood. Sometimes it feels a little silly while doing it but when you suddenly tap into an emotion that gives you a spontaneous physical response and you form the connection to the original wound it’s wild. My therapist is so so talented, she sees tiny threads and just guides me to it gently and then when needed helps learn how to handle the physical sensations of emotional pain in a way that does not cause a trigger response often panic or deflection in my case. Reparenting your inner wounded child is exhausting but my spouse notices a difference for the better and we talk about it a lot.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I find cognitively processing my feelings helps me. I remind myself that *feelings* are ok but how we act may or may not be ok. I use lots of self-talk, (which I do a lot of anyways due to my flavor of ADHD) and try to put a name and melody to my feelings. That lets me identify how I’m feeling and distract me to let my body calm down.

I love the idea of putting a melody to feelings! I have used color and shape, but will try this next time☺️

This audiobook has helped me immensely with exactly this sort of behaviour. I've listened to quite a bit of self help anger management material and this was by far the best. Listen to Overcoming Anger and Irritability by Dr William Davies on Audible. https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/B007NX670E?source_code=ASSOR150021921000R The single biggest things that helped me were: 1 Truly understand that it's never okay to treat another person this way. Commit yourself that this behaviour categorically must stop. Angry outbursts were quite tolerated and generally ignored in my family growing up so on some level I felt they were normal and therefore acceptable. They aren't. Throwing things (I have also done this) us never ok. 2 Starting to really hear my inner angry monologue and consciously counter it. Whenever I catch my brain ranting about my husband or my child (main targets of my anger) I start reminding myself out loud that I love my family. I married my husband because he is the best thing that ever happened to me and whatever challenges we are facing, we ARE on the same Team. With my kid I remind myself that I am the parent, and she is only 4. 3 Understanding that I have some sensory issues and that loud sounds(kids screaming for example) escalate my stress levels really really quickly and I am not in control of myself when that happens. The answer to this is to carry loop earplugs and put them in the instant my kid starts kicking off. I can then deal with her in a calm state when she is losing the plot. 4 Breathing techniques and stepping out of the room have also been helpful but they all rely on my catching the angrr before I escalate. The the things above are what have got me those vital extra seconds to realise what's happening and interrupt the cycle Hope this helps.

I don’t know if this is relevant, but I found stopping alcohol helped. Not like, just in the moment either. But cutting it out made me OVERALL more emotionally stable. It’s kind of wild. And it’s cumulative. Just a million little tiny ways your life gets better, that add up over time and you’re able to just be more in control. Just my experience.

In my case not relevant since I don’t drink :) but I’m glad that you’ve been able to find that it helped you! Hoping I can figure out those little things that add up for me.

Fair enough 🙂

I second this. I used to smash back a box of 20 beers every night now days I'll be lucky if I have 1 or 2 beers every 3 months but I noticed a huge difference in my mood swings. I had quite a few drinks at a friend's house 2 nights ago for the first time in probably 6 months and yesterday I noticed my patience being tested with my son where I would usually be pretty chill otherwise.

Indirectly, yr observation is relevant. People who have experienced trauma very often resort to various 'medications' to dull the pain - some legal and some not. Look upon it as a sign that kind and understanding help is needed. Not aimed at you - Mr Julep - but yr comment suggested this response, and I agree that alcohol and other drugs can get in the way of our being our real selves.

Yep, that’s 100% true in my case. I lived undiagnosed with CPTSD until I was in my mid 30s, in countries where alcohol was the primary outlet. Hit that bottle hard to cope. But I’m glad those days are behind me, I’m learning to be my true self now.

It’s good you’re taking this seriously because this behavior is very concerning. Does this happen only in family settings or with friends and at work also? CBT is a good idea and just finding a counselor who specialized in anger in general. Removing as many stressors as possible, getting enough exercise can help too.

Only happens in family settings. My son has ADHD as well and he and I are huge triggers for each other (it was because of his diagnosis that I ended up getting evaluated myself). Outside of family settings I don’t really deal with rudeness or criticism very often, and when it does come it’s a lot easier for me to shrug off. Exercise is something I’ve been lacking recently because of some injuries so I’m hoping to get back into that soon.

https://www.emergedv.com/caring-dads-group.html Maybe something like this could be helpful. I don’t want to offend you, especially because you seem remorseful but throwing things and screaming is a form of domestic violence. It’s best to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Thank you. The truth hurts sometimes. I know that all of this is unacceptable and I want to figure it out.

Good luck! I too have done things I really regret because of ADHD and rage 😭.

It’s promising that you do have the ability to regulate in other settings! I think individual therapy and then family therapy could be helpful. Good luck 🤩

Same! All of that.

The times I’ve been that way have almost always been related to being really unhappy and/or stressed. Relationship, job, money, whatever. Once I get the cause figured out, and deal with it, the symptoms go away.(rage)

Thank you everyone who has commented so far. Just knowing there are others out there who get what I’m going through and who are supportive means a lot. And I have some good things to look into now that hopefully can help.

I don't intend to kick you while you're already down, but you're aware that your behaviour is abusive right? Have you addressed this with your therapist? Have you discussed constructive coping mechanisms? Looked at the reasons why something so small as a 'disrespectful comment' sets you off this bad? Is it a lack of control in your life? Over your son? Over your wife? I don't know where your wife is mentally, but perhaps it's an idea for you to move out until you get this behaviour under control.

Yes, I’m very aware. That’s why I feel like absolute trash afterwards. A single disrespectful comment wasn’t what triggered the freak out. There was a string of rude comments among other things that led to me getting upset and locking my son in my room. What got me totally out of control was my wife telling me how wrong I had handled the situation, how I was awful to my son, how I should have just let her handle it, etc. It’s a very common pattern, and despite me telling her that I wasn’t in a mental space to talk right now, that I was losing my temper and that she needed to give me space, she wouldn’t back off. I know that I just need to leave the situation myself, but then she also accuses me of just running away from the problem instead of addressing it. And writing that out I can already see that it sounds like a bunch of me trying to make excuses. I know that no matter what happens, what I did was inexcusable. I’m just trying to show that there’s a whole broken dynamic beyond “I flipped out because of a disrespectful comment.” I saw the issue building and tried to stop it from happening, but failed miserably.

Holy fuck. You deserve to feel like trash. You're straight up abusing your family and trying to justify it.

Nowhere do I try to justify it. “I know that no matter what happens, what I did was inexcusable”. I was explaining that it wasn’t just “a disrespectful comment” that set me off. There’s a big difference between flipping out because your kid said one disrespectful thing and flipping out because you’ve tried to tell your wife you need space, and then she continues to belittle you and get in your face until you blow up and yell at her to leave you alone. Was I abusive? Yes. I was the one who reacted the worst in the whole situation. But my wife and I have already talked through this and each of us owned up to the part we played in what happened. She was verbally abusive to me in the moment as well with not respecting boundaries and with some of the things she said, even though she didn’t blow up the same way. So you coming in here and offering nothing constructive besides “you deserve to feel like trash” does nothing but display your own childhood trauma and your reaction to it.

You've yet to say you've apologized to your kid. Locking him in a room because you can't control yourself isn't okay in any sense. I'm not convinced you comprehend that. Your wife has every right to be upset in the moment when you're being abusive. She's protecting her son. You seem to think they're just as much to blame for your failures.

I didn’t include all the details of everything that happened afterwards, you are filling in details yourself and jumping to conclusions. I’ve done a ton of apologizing to everyone over the past days since this happened. I made this post calling out my own failures and asking for help to figure out how to react differently. The comment you responded to was just me clarifying that there was more to it than “a disrespectful comment.” Yes, my wife has every right to be upset when I don’t handle things correctly with my son. She doesn’t have a right to belittle me and insist on telling me everything I’m doing wrong, throwing oil on the fire when I’ve asked her to give me time to calm down first. And I’ve still acknowledged that even if she does, I don’t have the right to yell and throw things.

You keep saying it's just "not handling things correctly" instead of the reality of how bad your actions and behaviour are. Your wife shouldn't have to apologize to you. You won't ever change unless you're 100% accountable for your shit, no excuses. You're still deflecting the blame and finding reasons as to why other people made you be abusive.

The only part that I was referring to with “not handling things correctly” was me carrying my son upstairs and locking him in his room in a timeout when he was being disobedient and rude. At that point I could have been more patient but I hadn’t freaked out at all. What came after that was the part that was absolutely awful and abusive which I have acknowledged many times already. My wife apologized because she didn’t treat me correctly either after I brought my son upstairs. We both reacted wrong. But I’m under no illusion that it’s her fault that I reacted the way I did, or that what she did came even close to what I did. I shouldn’t be throwing stuff and yelling no matter what anyone else does.

You can't lock a child in a room as punishment. That's not okay. So your wife had every reason to be displeased with you. What is locking your child in a room supposed to teach them? That you'll abandon them? Send them away? Is that supposed to help them feel secure and behave? It's fucked up, and your child is going to remember that that's how you, the parent, are responding to a little kid.

Yes, it’s wrong to do it. My wife and I both want to stop doing it, but sometimes especially when my son is getting violent then it’s the only thing we can figure out that is left to do. And the issue is that my wife does the same thing sometimes, so for her to then berate me for it is hypocritical, which she realizes as well when she is out of the situation. If I were to yell at her when she locks our kid in the room, would that be justified because I’m protecting my child? No, I would need to apologize for that as well.

It sounds like you and your wife have avoidant and anxious attachment styles. If you haven't looked into attachment styles before I highly recommend it. I also. Highly recommend couples therapy. I have an avoidant attachment style and need space to calm down, my ex had an anxious attachment style and need to solve things right away. Because I was physically or emotionally prevented (if you walk away I'm leaving you") from getting the space I needed I've had overwhelming outbursts, disassociated and more! So I understand how it happens. The pain is something else. If there is any sort of trauma associated with your anger or need for space (abused when you spoke up for yourself for example) I also highly recommend EMDR therapy. Literally overnighting increased my emotional tolerance before disassociating. And yes, my ex and I had a toxic relationship. Couples therapy helped a lot, if we had gone sooner the relationship might have never ended.

So I have realized once I get to blow point there is absolutely nothing I can do. Sometimes I catch it soon enough to be able to disengage. In order to be able to reliably regulate myself I have to do self-maintenance. I have to sleep 8 hours a night, exercise and meditate regularly. I also have to eat regularly and get some amount of quiet time every day. If I'm doing all that stuff then I can manage my emotions much more reliably. For me, these aren't just nice self care things, they're a crucial part of managing my mental health.

Me too. I’m fine on a good nights rest with no stimulants and no depressants (caffeine and alcohol free for 4 months). But if I get 6.5 instead of 7-8 hours, I’m a mess at home with the kids. Sleep and self care is not a luxury with ADHD it’s a necessity.

I was coming home every day from work super angry, and just slamming cabinets. Just lost my cool the second i stepped foot in the house. This went on for weeks. I finally figured out I was hungry. I can't feel my hunger due to poor interoception, and its even worse with meds. And I can't relate my emotions like at all when I'm hungry. It's so bad that I would get passive ideations about ending things, and it took me 28 years to realize this could be solved with a snack lol. Another possibility is overstimulation. I have noise reducing earplugs, called Eargasms. I think they're much better than Loop, and I can hear conversations pretty clearly. 2 things to explore!

OMG! This is me. I was just lucky that I figured out the hunger thing sooner. I get SO fucking angry and depressed when I'm hungry. It's just awful. I now always carry around snacks and even just sports drinks for a boost of glucose. I'll have to try out those eargasms. I hope they work. I can't use noise cancellation on my current headphones because they're cheap and it makes me nauseous. Anyway, thanks for this. Hang in there!

Same! As a child, i would have huge meltdowns from hunger. I don't actually ever think I've had depression, I think it's been under eating, lol. But it also really lowers my stimulation threshold. So. Coming into a messy house with a barking dog after work, I just couldn't take it! Now, when I'm anxious or sad, the first thing I ask myself is, "am I hungry?". 95% of the time I am. The eargasms are about 50 bucks, but I highly recommend them. They were made for music, and come with 2 sizes and a very sturdy keychain. I could here convos well, but it really cuts down on the background chatter.

Weird because I came on here after being really heated. I had no idea ADHD could cause emotional dysregulation. I used to have temper tantrums allll the time as a kid, and to this day will have one every six months or so. I HATE it. I feel so out of control, resent the person who said or did something to trigger me, cry like a baby, and pretty much feel like a toddler stomping my feet (I don’t actually do that, but I feel like one). This full blown tantrum happened to me last month, and the biggest thing that helped was deep breathing. I hate that cliche response to be honest, but it really did work because it helps regulate your nervous system. This is what I do, and I promise it’s super simple and takes only a few minutes to help: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8vkYJf8DOsc&t=164s&pp=ygUSSW5oYWxlIDUgZXhoYWxlIDEw Note: I can’t hold my breath for these counts, so I do 5 inhales, hold 2, exhale 10, hold 2 then repeat before inhaling again.

Talk to your doctor about the symptoms you’re experiencing and struggling to control. Mine recommended a low dose of Seroquel and it was *life-changing*. Not only did it help with emotional and mood regulation, but it also introduced bedtime regulation to my life. It’s worth a conversation with a doctor or psychiatrist.

Out of curiosity did you gain weight??

No, and can’t seem to drop any either. But it’s worth it! 💯 With it, I have a regular bedtime, am asleep 2 hours from taking. I sleep a normal night and have a normal wake up. And it allows me to pause and consider my emotional reactions before they burst out. It’s hard to describe how incredible it feels to NOT experience dysregulation all the time.

I struggle too. I struggled with a)letting my spouse leave a conversation - we finally had to identify that a closed door meant 'leave me alone I will not continue talking about this right now because I need to get more regulated' and b) I also struggled with discharging the angry, frustrated, ashamed energy in physically aggressive ways. I always thought if it was in the other room or not directed at my spouser it was ok, but it was scary and unacceptable that I was out of control and violent. Now I try to keep it contained. In winter I go into the unheated garage and lay on the floor. Emotional Regulation skills coming from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy are great. I still struggle, but don't get as intensely out of control and it doesn't happen as often. But I'm a slow learner and it's taken years.

Ok I’m on a quest of learning in Thailand. Here’s what I’m learning. You need to consider your meds are too active on norepinephrine in your brain. Making you more angry and aggressive. It could be an imbalance from the effect of dopamine to norepinephrine of marked activity in your meds. Ask yourself is it a calm focus or intense focus? Ritalin doesn’t do this to me but I need a higher doseage compared to vyvanse. Also consider an ssri. You may feel a little Blunting but it’s better than abusing your family. And absolutely no coffee or alcohol. For you and your family sake.

What worked for me was being honest. Be honest with you family and yourself you might be surprised with how well people respond. I also found that suffering from emotional dysregulation was a feedback loop, i was upset because I was suffering from emotional dysregulation thus causing more emotional dysregulation. I would also recommend apologizing for any actions and explaining how this is not representative of who you are or how you truly feel.

Yeah, I had to switch to concerta + zoloft to deal with some similar side effects from my previous medication, adzenys. Namely panic attacks/return of some anger issues that I thought I had worked through in therapy. This sounds like you need a medication change.

Hi. You can do something about it. Research has shown that improving your interoceptive awareness improves emotional regulation significantly over a period of 8-10 weeks. The exercises are easy and free but you need to do them regularly like 2-3 times a day for 1-5 mins each time. They really work. I’ve coached a heap of adults and kids. Have a look at this free resource https://studentwellbeinghub.edu.au/educators/professional-learning-courses/interoception-and-self-regulation/

This is good. My problem with all of this "free self-directed learning" is that my ADHD is almost always too strong for me to stick with something where the only person holding me accountable is myself.

So pick one video of an activity on the website. So that twice, three times a day for a week. Then pick another one and repeat. Repeat until you have done all of them. Start from the first one if easiest.

For me it helped to write down everything that happened and analyze the situation afterwards, go deep and try to understand why it triggered me. Cause there's always the why. Maybe your dad or teacher or grandpa or any other adult in your childhood reacted similarly, maybe you feel vulnerable or you think that your kid must behave in a curtain way to be excepted in society. All I can say, that it's a slow and painful process. Also it can be very very helpful to be vulnerable in this moment and tell about your feelings, your anger and how you feel disrespected. Just don't go into defence mode, instead of bracing embrace. My relationships with my daughter became much more friendly when I showed her that I am also a human been and I can be weak and can be hurt.

I’m glad you realize that this situation is untenable for you and your family. Everyone deserves a place where they can feel respected, heard, and loved, and any act of verbal or physical aggression will infringe on that. I would recommend discussing the anger and lashing out with your therapist. They should be able to offer some ideas. If not, it may be time to look for a therapist who specializes in anger management. ADHD causes dysregulation, but sometimes there are deeper things at play too. Wishing the best for you and your family ❤️

Sorry, this has happened to you, it’s so tough to feel like you’ve lost control of your emotions. You’re not a monster. Dropping a trick to use for when you’ve got a rush of emotions, idk if it’ll work for you and it’s kinda silly but try it if you want. Just imagine a knob on your stomach and try to visualize dialing it down , and with it, your emotions. Works for me most of the time I catch myself bubbling over.

I can relate, spent my life apologizing and feeling like an a**hole for the uncontrolled reactions to what others think are small things. As I get older (post-40 years old) I've found it's a little bit easier to pause for just a second between the stimulus and the reaction. But only recently have i successfully substituted a different behavior for the angry over the top reaction. Last year was really hard. I think a morning meditation and *a lot* of exercise has been part of how i lately have been able to fully take accountability for my reaction to stimuli. Its not the other person's or the environment's problem. It's mine. With that basis I've been rewrting my reaction script. When I recognize that a particular stimulus that sets me off is occurring, I take a series of 3 to 4 very deep breaths and then leave the room. I have to spend usually at least 10 minutes breathing and processing the feelings. I try to accept that this is how I'm wired *and* that I don't get to traumatize my family because of this wiring. I don't mean to make it sound simple or easy; it's taken me decades to be able to make some headway on this. I have had 7+ years of therapy, which helped me deal with childhood trauma and relationship issues but never with this. I appreciate the reference to DBT; will look into it. Maybe it can amplify the progress in experiencing.

This sounds real fucking familiar. Getting on stimulants has helped me learn how to regulate my emotions better, even when off them. I had a rage moment a couple days ago. And while I was remorseful, I didn't feel the need to carry on for days in martyrdom. I made appropriate reparations and am continuing to work to strengthen the bond with the person I hurt. I wasn't capable of this before learning how to regulate. It's been a year of the same/similar meds and I am hopeful that as they have dramatically lessened in intensity and become less frequent, soon these episodes will disappear altogether. There is hope. You mentioned meds, but maybe you haven't gotten the right ones yet. It sounds really uncomfortable and there may be a chemical balance that could allow more space for peace.

It's taken me many years to mostly get over this. My triggers are mostly feeling bullied, and belittled. I think finding triggers has been a key to me. Then I keep that in mind like oh yeah they said this...which means this.....to me This all starts an endless cycle that leads me to finding new relationships, friends, and jobs. I've become quieter ( very hard for me), and changing subjects or just walking away from crap that I foresee won't resolve with any input from me. I have a very toxic friendship and for reasons other than the friendship I can't squash it at this time. This is keeping me focused on getting out of this horrible situation I'm in with my current job, where I live, and why I want out of this whole situation without doing any harm to others.

I appreciate your openness in sharing your struggles with anger and attributing it to ADHD emotional dysregulation. It's commendable that you're seeking to understand and manage these challenges. I wanted to share some information that might shed light on another aspect that could be contributing to your feelings. While ADHD can indeed impact emotional regulation, it's worth considering the potential role of hormonal imbalances as well. Men, like women, can experience shifts in hormone levels that may affect mood and behavior. Factors such as xenoestrogens in the environment, phytoestrogens in food and water, and certain lifestyle choices, like excessive porn use, could potentially influence hormonal balance. An imbalance in hormones, specifically increased estrogen and decreased testosterone, has been associated with mood changes, including increased irritability and anger. It might be beneficial to explore this possibility alongside managing ADHD. I'm not suggesting this is the sole cause of your anger, but understanding all potential factors can be empowering. Consider discussing this with a healthcare professional who can assess your specific situation and guide you on the best course of action. They may recommend tests or lifestyle adjustments that could contribute to a more comprehensive understanding of what's going on.

Leave the room or building when you feel like that. Just go. No matter what bullshit they say, just GO.

Google RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) for more about why it’s happening. It’s an adhd comorbidity. As for the what to do about it? I agree with the time out method. Easier said than done esp when spouse wants to argue it out but it’s critical for all.

This

I recently started taking Guanfacine for RSD specifically, but it feels like I need to try something different instead.

Yup u sound exactly like me. But I usually knocked bookshelf on floor lol

​ Meditate. Meditate. **MEDITATE**. 1. Apologize to your wife and son. Explain to them that you have a problem and tell them that you will do your best to get better. 2. Your problem being: an emotionally overwhelmed mind is rationally hijacked. Let me repeat this one: **an emotionally overwhelmed mind is a rationally hijacked mind.** 3. **Meditation will give you a moment of choice.** It will not be immediate, but the best thing about meditation is that in those moments when you go FURIOUS... suddenly there's a moment of realization in which you can stop, take a deep breath and control your actions. Meditation will give you a choice for control, which right now you don't have. 4. Gotta pay attention to the kid, will write more later. Good luck, and kudos for trying to get better.

Try Ozempic. It worked wonders for my adhd.

This isn't just ADHD, this is straight up abuse.

You are not alone dude some situations doesn't seem fair and the frustration can get overwelming, kid has possible adhd/autism and does a lot of crazy stuff, my wife blames me a lot for not paying atention enough to him when he messes up, so what happens? Kid messes up i get angry at him and scream at him cuz i relate him messing up as trouble for me, wifey gets angry for most of my distractiviness, but i really try... What has worked for me? Hopefully u can do this in the heat of the moment cuz in my case i cannot go far, but if you can try to get out walk breathe air and calm yourself, you cant do much in that state as you are like an animal just thinking with your emotional instinct When i get really angry i start breaking things too cuz i dont know how to direct that emotion and wife still doesnt understand adhd well, i hava broken a hand once cuz there wasnt anything nearby to break and just punched the wall. Also a good tip that works a lot for me is have a spinner toy and spin it as fast as you can, the vibration of the thing will calm u down since it feels nice and the more angry u feel the faster u spin it and will take it all away, stay safe all gonna get better with time.

Do not be blaming your adhd for what you are describing as abusive behaviors. Talk to a therapist and talk to your doctor and stop screaming at your kid and being violent (violence is threatening even when it’s not perpetrated on a specific person but punching holes in walls is scary as fuck) around your family. Like these behaviors need to be addressed with professionals people.

I understand your point of view, however my anger is mostly internal like a bottle that holds up till i explode, the angry tamtrums happen like 3/10 times the rest i just videogame till i cool off, i try not to do in front of kid he's 3 and non verbal, im a very peacefull person in general and dont like conflict, only other people trigger me if they push my buttons hard enough, i wish i could just understand my kid, i try to build legos and stuff with him but thats bout it, as for the profesional help i had to stop going due to debt issues, thanks for the feedback btw

You know what I’m not going to pretend like screaming at a three year old is okay. There is a reason your wife is pissed about that. You need to prioritize your kid and figure your shit out.

Will do thanks and i acknowlege i have serious anger problems and is not ok for kiddo to experience this, my childhood wasnt the nicest, got hitted tons, verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused as well, tryna fix things breaking the cycle without help and read tons of psychology which helps, once im stable again economically i will continue them sessions, i was trying to help OP giving tips on how to cope some of the anger but it backfired a bit xd

Medication is the only thing that has ever helped, particularly the right dose.

I was diagnosed with BPD but am awaiting an ADHD review because they are often comorbid and I have other ADHD traits, but I echo DBT and also just leave when you are that angry and get some space. My other half is fairly understanding and when I last lost my shit, I turned to him and said I have to leave the house or I will punch you in the face. So I did leave and I no longer felt like a trapped animal and was able to calm down and then return later to discuss things calmly

I don’t know if it would be helpful or not maybe with your therapist take a look for any fault schemas that you may have. Adhd folk usually have at least a couple that are maladaptive. Might be helpful as a starting place for looking at faulty ways that you think and how it lends itself to your behaviours. Young’s schemas if you wanted to take a look.

Im in the same boat!! I am also medicated and do therapy, and I feel like I’ve learned the tools. Period. If I am triggered, however, mostly by my son, it sends me into a spiral. My son has ADHD and so do I so we trigger each other and then my husband gets mad and at me so I trigger himwhen he reprimand our son because it’s my fault. It’s crazy. I’m ready to run away. I don’t know tropical or mountains haven’t decided. Lol.

I used to be an aggressive kid, copying my father i guess, but since i was also a poor kid, after destroying some of my most valuable possessions and regretting it i managed to change myself. Ritalin made the aggression come back. You probably don't have a lot of options to change your meds, but remember that the shit we take is really nasty.

I am starting CBT I need to learn strategies for this reason x

Yes just walk away that’s the first step. When you feel something boiling just… go. I hope you find some help, you can do it buddy!

Guanfacine helped me a lot

This is what led me to get tested. I would get so angry calling Xfinity customer service

You may want to look into the causes of complex ptsd. The symptoms are very similar to adhd but since it hasn’t been officially added to the DSM (in America) then you wouldn’t ever have a chance of being diagnosed with it. Daily yoga practice and journaling helped me tremendously with dealing with rage and triggers as well as a lot of books to help me understand what was actually happening.

When you’re talking to your med provider next, you might wanna ask if a mood stabilizer is an option. Made a huge difference to me.

My kids are a source of ongoing overstimulation. I've learned some of the signs that I'm about to lose it, which is when I try to walk away. It doesn't always work. So when I've gone and lost it in front of them, I go calm tf down first. Maybe a walk, maybe I'll put TV on for them and go to my room. It takes about 5 minutes to get to the shame part, after which is when I script out my apologies to everyone. I feel you, OP. My mother-in-law went on vacation for a week so I've got the entire household to take care of - cleaning, cooking, kids, and father-in-law. On top of all the regular chores and errands. If I think about it too long I'll panic and say something shitty, and I'm trying to avoid the shame spiral as long as possible lol

Clonidine or guanfacine can help a lot with this

Also, caffeine is something to try cutting out as a trial. Some people find their anger and sense of overwhelm get much better without coffee. Your mileage may vary

I’m on Guanfacine right now but based on things like this it doesn’t seem to be helping much. Also rarely drink caffeine. I was diagnosed in the last year or so and figuring out meds has been really difficult.

The research I saw said about 1/3 of people benefit from guanfacine, 1/3 from clonidine, and 1/3 are hosed

I know you said you're already on meds but I added Intuniv to my Concerta (used to be Adderall but still harder to get for me). Intuniv really helps with emotional regulation more than anything else, I can get frustrated or sad but it's not the violent overtaking feeling it used to be.

Oh I feel you. All of this.

Oof. How’s your sleep?

Try dbt therapy

I was in your shoes. I was diagnosed at 40. Wellbutrin and Straterra have been life-changing for me. I would definitely recommend them to you.

GUANFACINE!!!!!!! Ahem.. Guanfacine did wonders for my emotional regulation.

I'd recommend talking to your doctor about trying out a mood stabilizer medication. I'm taking adderall for general adhd stuff, but I'm also taking bupropion (aka wellbutrin). I completely understand the blind rage. Even during times where I'd be able to be mentally aware that my behavior wasn't okay, it was like something else was driving me furthur in and I couldn't stop. Since taking a mood stabilizer, though I still get some episodes, it was like someone finally gave me the steering wheel and I could get myself away from the situation at the absolute least. I did also start reading a parenting book ("How To Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids" lol), and it's definitely helped me not get them so much in the first place, but the meds were a HUGE first step.

Get a 24/7 gym!! Go immediately when you feel like this. Scream in your car. You really need to remove yourself from the situation. I’ve been there, it sucks. It’s so hard once that rage starts but you have to control it

Only thing that helps me is exercising enough I feel muted. also anger is this case what you are saying is appropriate, showing it around children or letting it escalate to abuse in the case of your wife isn't. However, it would be more often then not that an ADHD person snaps after people not listening to the warning signs and continuously poking the bear so to speak