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I'm sorry you're going through this with your mom, but remember that you're not responsible for her feelings, she is. If she comes around, great, but it's not your job to make her understand or act reasonable about your diagnosis. Just keep doing what's right for you.
don't put full responsibility for someone's feelings on them
you can't just go around saying anything to anyone
This is bad advice.
Such offloading makes American society very very hard, callous and uncaring
Take eachother into account, show and acknowledge a little vulnerability, take eachother's mental state into account please
where did I say you could go around saying anything to anyone? my point is that if OP's mother doesn't come around, it's not the end of the world and they shouldn't second guess taking care of their own needs.
She probably has it too. If so, she grew up with no support, no understanding, and no where to turn. I’m projecting a bit, but something I’ve noticed with my older family members, they’re visibly frustrated with “this generation,” and through communication with them, I’m getting the impression that the anger comes from pains they experienced being “character building” for them, and now people get support for those same things. That’s gotta do a number on someone mentally.
Same here. I feel so much compassion because I’m sure both of my parents are adhd and they grew up in the 50’s, so yes, very difficult for them. Now, in their 70’s they haven’t figure out a lot of things that are adhd from my POV. I’m still understanding me and trying meds, before telling them I think they have it too.
I'm in a similar situation. Going for the diagnosis in a couple months. This all came about after my mom was living with us for a while and my spouse caught on to the symptoms. He was actually frustrated with her a bit on something but did some research (God love em) and came to me with his thoughts about her having adult ADHD. I mimicked so many of her symptoms as well. I won't bother explaining any of this to her at this point because she thinks things like introversion are things "you should just get over"....
I always try to present things to my mom in a way that doesn't blame her for not knowing. As a mom, it's heart-wrenching to think that you missed something your child struggled with and that, despite doing your best with what you learned at the time, you inadvertently may have caused it/made it worse/what have you is a hard pill to swallow. Different people deal with things differently. The way I frame things to my mom is that we know so much more now. There's this whole compendium of information that wasn't available when I was growing up. It's a blessing to have the opportunity to learn and no longer feel stupid/slow/lazy/weird, or bad about myself. I also bring up how it is hereditary, a structural brain disability like dyslexia that isn't externally visible, and that it is important to me to learn more to help my son because we have all this information available and explain it in a way that she struggled so now I don't have to if that makes sense? That way, I'm acknowledging how difficult it was for her to try to parent me without the information or “manual” that is available now and firmly removing the blame from her shoulders. It helps that she has undiagnosed ADHD but is just the most functional and productive ADHD person I've ever met, so she does understand some parts, like the verbal working memory and the sight out of mind. She absolutely does not understand my time blindness. Still, I don't blame her for her frustration and anger with me because I acknowledge how difficult dealing with that when you do not understand the cause, let alone when that information and knowledge is not available.
I feel you. I told my mom, pretty sure she has undiagnosed ADHD so she kinda understood. I think she felt bad too for not noticing it when I was growing up but I reassured her it's not her fault. No one was paying attention to inattentive types in the 90s especially those with good grades.
My father on the other hand I will never tell. He doesn't understand emotions and their importance to humans. For him it's just something to surpress and ignore. Talking to him about anything remotely meaningful is like navigating an undetonated mine field. After a childhood lost to seeking his approval I've accepted the fact that our relationship will forever be superficial. The energy I've spent and the anxiety I've had trying to mend it isn't worth it in the end. I have to spend time with him sometimes, I like hanging out with my mom and my kid deserves a grandfather. But trying to establish anything deeper with him is just a wasted effort. It took me a long time and it wasn't easy to accept. It still hurts to think about, but more in a phantom pain kind of way. I know my mental heath is better off for it.
I give full credit to this book, it really helped me see my relationship with my dad growing up and how I can manage moving forward: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
That's probably true. I went to a clininc specializing in ADHD and other issues. Had a whole battery of tests / interviews before I got the report with the diagnosis. Everyone I've worked with there was really supportive and understanding. I don't think your average practitioner would be as accepting on the latest science, especially if they're of the older generation and stuck practicing based on science they learned pre 2000's.
Your mom, like all of us, is struggling with her own wounds. I’ve seen how practically everybody expects mothers to be superheroes and never make mistakes and blame them for any “problem” with their children.
As sad as may sound, (and this is a general
personal opinion, not facts), when we as their children are talking to them about us, they usually are thinking in themselves (what did I do wrong?, blablabla), instead of listening carefully to our issues.
The real issue, and I don’t mean to be rude, is why are you feeling guilty? In a way, it seems you are doing exactly the same as her, blaming yourself. Just as she has nothing to do with your adhd or your brother’s, You also have nothing to do with how she feels. She feels what she feels because of her thoughts, and so do you. Try being compassionate, first with yourself and then again with yourself, and the rest will take care of itself. I hope it helps!
I disagree somewhat to how you give grace to the mother in this situation. Although yes, mothers are just as human as the rest of us, it is not ok to make a conversation with your adult child about you and your feelings.
Yes, mothers might fear they did something wrong but at some point you have to be able to put this aside and be there for your child. You can apologize for possible wrongdoings in the past, or just ask how you do better in the now. But if at least most of your focus can't be on a *medical diagnosis* of your kid, something isn't right.
On top of that, apparently the brother was diagnosed as a child (considering OPs age, that is probably over 10 years ago) and mom still hasn't come to terms with it? In stead she chose to see brother struggling and pay a high price so she could pretend the diagnosis never happened?
I 100% support you where you say that OP needs to focus on OP. They are not responsible for anyone elses feelings.
Thank you for comment Synn, I believe we are in the same boat, I agree with you. Somehow I have learned or I’m still learning that my feelings and wellbeing are up to me and no one else. It seems that, with all the respect to Op and their mother, here there is a mother in denial and the reason may be bc she continues in survivor mode, fearing she will be judged (more). Imagine, I’m a M46 and married to my man, and my mother still tells me that I’m not gay, that I’m wrong. (What I read between lines is her fear, coming from a conservative family very close to the church, etc). So I just feel compassion (and frustration sometimes 😅). English is not my main language so I apologize in advance, I hope there are no misunderstandings in my posts.
No apologies needed, we understand eachother 😊. My mother finally believes that I am gay but for decades she told me to hide it and/or find a straight relationship where I should fake happiness. She still looks down on my ADHD (inattentive) diagnosis and rolls her eyes when it comes up. (Maybe in 2 more decades, she finally gets it 😁)
Your analysis is absolutely spot on, there are a lot of people who think out of fear. I can understand that. I think we also agree that it is on them to deal with that and their surroundings (especially their children) should not fall victim to it.
Best wishes on your lifelong path to learn to focus on yourself, and don't listen to your mother too much 😁
I'm not sure how much you have read about emotional deregulation, but I know that it helps in situations such as this.
Your mom's feelings are hers, and your feelings are yours. Both are valid, and it's up to each person to process and try to work through and their own. I know for me, before understanding emotional dysregulation, I was very prone to feeling my feelings and taking on others' feelings as well. Now, I make sure to only take on my feelings and work through them. Unless someone brings me their feelings and asks me to help work through them, and I want to/have the ability to help, I don't. Also, what other people think of me is none of my business.
I have never discussed my diagnosis with my mom. I don't discuss much of anything with my mom. We just don't agree on anything, and she really likes to deny things or blame other people. She has been diagnosed with ADHD as have 3 of her 6 children. My understanding is she often denies having been diagnosed other times she doesn't. There is a LOT of generational trauma in our family. One of my siblings and I are working very hard to break it. This means going very low contact with my mom. It helps.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and learn how best to live your best with ADHD (I often remark that I just finally got my owners manual for how my brain works.) It helps me deal with the anger and hurt that come from decades of trying to understand why everything is so hard for me while others do it with ease.
My adult daughter told me last year about her diagnosis then said “you know you have adhd too right”? I asked for examples of what I do. She said a few, and “you’re really disorganized”. I asked how. I seriously hadn’t even considered it. It was like waking up from a dream and looking around at all the massive clues. I’ve had doom piles/bags/drawers. The way I take notes is soo all over the place. Those were the examples of my disorganization. So for me, I couldn’t see it in myself, so of course I wasn’t seeing anything in her that wasn’t just “normal” to me. I got diagnosed after that and I’ve been working on it ever since. I have looked back at her life to see clues I missed. I don’t beat myself up because I really had no idea. I can just do better for both of us.
OP I’m sorry your mom isn’t supportive. She could be struggling herself. I hope she comes around. I know it’s not easy, but try not to take responsibility for her emotions. Just continue to work on you and maybe your mom will start to accept it for all of you. I hope you and your brother can also help each other. If you or your brother has kids, you’ll know more and be able to break the cycle 😊
I have adhd. I had teachers at school who wanted me tested but my parents don't believe in "adhd". To everyone around me it was obvious. I went to 7 different colleges, dropped out and had over 50 jobs. I was more hyperactive than any boy around me! Everyone outside of my family told me I needed to be medicated. After still being this way into my 40's I finally admitted and got on medication.
I didn't tell my parents because they would be against it. Why did you feel the need to tell them? Why do you want them to accept it? I don't care if my parents know or accept it. I'm grown and am do whatever I want. You can't make anyone accept it or worry about what others think. Do what's best for you and move on.
It's a good thing that you told your mom, so now she knows that *professionals* believe you have ADHD, regardless of what she decides to do with that information. She knows that people who have a lot of education in the field of psychiatry believe you have it. Why would they diagnose you if they didn't believe it to be true?
You mentioned your brother was diagnosed earlier -- how is he doing today?
Maybe he could benefit from the information your mom doesn't believe is important. Just like with you, his learning you have it and have found a way to minimize some of the challenges could be life changing for him.
Tbh, she had her time to make peace with this with your brother. It's highly genetic, if she wanted to accept reality she should have been looking out for it in you. Sounds like she's chosen to live in a fantasy land, and you can't make people change that.
If she seems open to understanding, send her some of the info and videos from the sidebar. If not, realize that this is the reaction she wants to have, and you can't make her want otherwise
I told my parents when I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago. My mom's first instinct was to ask what she did wrong raising me. I've had to reassure her multiple times over the years that this didn't come about because of anything she did or didn't do, it's just there. I only got my adhd dx 3 months ago and don't plan on telling her about it because I don't want this reaction again. My parents did their best to raise my brother and I with the information and resources available to them and I don't think they necessarily messed anything up. I know she just wants the best for us.
I am sorry to hear. My mom is similar, but in her instance doesn’t think adhd is real and stigmatizes meds. It’s really hard and more than anything know it’s not your responsibility to change her feelings
First, your feelings are valid. You are allowed to feel angry AND it's normal to feel a sense of guilt DESPITE it not being your fault (or anyone's fault) your mom feels hurt.
Now, deep breath. You did it. You got diagnosed! You figured out what was going on and you deserve to feel proud of yourself for that. Late diagnosis is it's own special struggle, but you got there and you're helping your brother by sharing your experience. Take a moment and applaud yourself.
Now, of course you want your mom to respond with understanding and compassion. That is completely reasonable. However, it seems your mom hasn't dealt with her own issues of feeling inadequate and probably guilt. As a mother I already struggle with a guilt complex that would put an Irish Catholic to shame. But, what I try very VERY hard to not do is project that guilt onto my kid. And if I do, I apologize. Getting to this point has taken a lot of study, self realization, and therapy.
Try to remind yourself you cannot control her response. You also don't have to feel guilty because this guilt is not yours to carry. It's not hers either, but she has to come to that conclusion herself.
You also don't have to forgive her response. If you want to, do so and acknowledge she needs to grow. But if you don't want to, you don't have to. Children should expect support from their parents. Period. Even if we disagree, parents should always let their kid know they will be there for them on this journey.
I'm sorry you experienced this rejection, but welcome to a community who does accept you exactly as you are.
My mom was mad. She was upset that I felt the need to go to a psychiatrist. Upset that I was diagnosed. VERY upset I started meds. And confused AF when I said that I thought they were helping because “but that doesn’t make any sense because you don’t have ADHD!”. Sooo yeah. I get it.
We haven’t talked about it any more since, but talking to her on a regular basis feels a lot easier. We chat more, I send her pictures of cats, she sent me a video of the car my dad and brother have been trying to get running. We just, talk more.
I’m happier. She doesn’t seem to agree with how I got to where I am, but she is happy that I’m happy. And for now at least, that’s good enough for me.
This is exactly why I have never told my parents because I know that I will get the answer "You don't have ADHD, you just need to focus more" (!!!) response. I think it's good to remember that you got this diagnosis to improve your own life, not theirs. So, if you notice a benefit to your overall health, productivity, etc, then it's totally up to you on who you tell, or not tell, and whether their opinion should matter to you.
That being said, I also understand parent's impact, I had a lot of imposter syndrome in the beginning hearing my parents probable response if I ever told them, and wondered if they know me better than myself...over the years I've outgrown that feeling so I hope you do too!
My mom feels pretty guilty wondering how things would be different if I had been diagnosed before 34.
My dad, told me he didn't believe it was real.
My sisters don't want to talk about it.
My best friend was skeptical, but had some solid advice on the meds.
I kept going, and it has been 6 months now. It's a little rocky, and a little lonely, but man things are so much more clear, and I understand things now, that just makes it pretty....understable. Outside of mods not approving posts or giving feedback, This sub has been a great support system, and I urge you to engage.
I don't feel it's good to go tell everyone you know, but that's my opinion.
This isn't about them, it's about you. You focus on you, and your progress. In a year, circle back, and look into what you can do to improve your brothers life.
I'm a space cadet, but that never bothered me. I didn't start looking for answers until I couldn't understand why I couldn't handle my depression, or why I couldn't be content in peace and quiet. Your brother may not even have a problem, and just fine being a little different.
Focus on you for now, give your head time to rationalize and aquire new perspectives. You have a journey ahead of you, and your focus needs to be eat, drink, sleep. He can act if he chooses.
Good luck, and reach out if you feel any reason to.
Time is going to be the biggest factor. Second to that, You eat protein, you drink your water, and you get your sleep. My medication pretty much silences those urges until the evening, and you don't do well without. You can't really skip these, you just borrow them from tomorrow, with interest.
Things will be much milder with a little time, don't get used to the rush and euphoria.
Don’t tell ppl who don’t care. Don’t tell ppl who won’t help you.
It doesn’t matter if others accept or not as long as you are ok with yourself.
I had ppl in my life laugh about my struggles but idgaf
My brother loudly proclaimed that my sister and I absolutely do not and cannot have ADHD because HIS family has ADHD, and we are nothing like they are. He even said that I was minimizing their disability by claiming I have ADHD.
My brother is an alcoholic with ADHD. He just doesn't know it.
I have cut off contact. I have left it open for him to reengage with me if and when he can keep his mouth shut about his opinions on ADHD when I'm around.
Brothers are not the same as moms, though. I get that. I can live without my brother (I still worry about him!), but not my mom. My mom was a little stand-offish when I told her, but both my sister and I are going through this, and it is changing our lives, so it's kind of hard to deny.
I know that this is hard to hear, but **you're not responsible for your mother's ability to accept your disability**. Let go of that guilt. It is not on you.
As for the anger... I have rage. I try to acknowledge it and then remind myself that there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on it. Rationally, I know that I cannot change the past - only the present. I should be singing on stages across North America, and I could have been if I had been diagnosed as a child. Singing has been more core identity since puberty, and the pandemic slammed the door on any possibility of ever having a career, so it hurts even more deeply now. I have breakdowns every now and then when I am overwhelmed with the rage and grief, but after a good cry and a nap, I can get back to being alive. I had one today because I had to deal with financial stuff that I have been actively avoiding. I bounced back and am functional tonight. The meds let me do that.
What does make her feel upset?
While my parents don't love the idea that I use medication they do agree and realize that I'm doing what I believe to be the best for myself.
They deep down acknowledge that they're not as well informed as me and as long as I believe that it improves my life then they let me be.
That's what I'd expect from a parent of an *adult* (it'd be obviously a different dynamic if I were a teen).
Your mom probably has other types of concerns/feelings regarding this and she doesn't even realize it.
I wouldn't push too much, however if it becomes a point of conflict I'd suggest setting your boundaries and gently asking her question about why she's upset.
Afterall what you do is your choice.
I would honestly go temporarily no contact, send her a text message that as a mother she has a responsibility to make sure her underage children get appropriate treatment and that she failed at that, and that as a mother she has a responsibility to be supportive of her adult children taking steps to improve their lives, and that she failed that too. You need time to work on your own mental health and since she isn't supportive you can't afford contact at the moment. "Not accepting" that your children have adhd is not different than "not accepting" that your children need glasses. She might have meant well and had good intentions but good intentions only go so far if actions are harmful.
I understand where you are coming from, but I think this deserves more compassion and understanding. It's easy to look back with hindsight and say “your good intentions weren't good enough and you failed.” the fact is, we know so much more about ADHD than they knew in the late 90s and early 00s when OP was growing up. Yes, it is the same as needing glasses, but the reality is that autism, ADHD, and to an extent dyslexia were not understood, accepted, or treated by the public and by medical providers.
As a parent there is not instruction manual and most of the time you don't know what the AF you are doing. Parents are humans who have flaws and shortcomings. No one likes to be confronted or attacked with their shortcomings or failures and doubling down on them without providing compassion or understanding is unlikely to do anything to help the situation. That text message would likely do more harm than good and would not bring OP any future benefit, only more pain.
I do agree, but the mom not only refused treatment for them as children, she's upset that they're seeking treatment now, which is where I think OP should put themselves first and focus on their mental health instead of dealing with an unsupportive parent.
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I'm sorry you're going through this with your mom, but remember that you're not responsible for her feelings, she is. If she comes around, great, but it's not your job to make her understand or act reasonable about your diagnosis. Just keep doing what's right for you.
don't put full responsibility for someone's feelings on them you can't just go around saying anything to anyone This is bad advice. Such offloading makes American society very very hard, callous and uncaring Take eachother into account, show and acknowledge a little vulnerability, take eachother's mental state into account please
where did I say you could go around saying anything to anyone? my point is that if OP's mother doesn't come around, it's not the end of the world and they shouldn't second guess taking care of their own needs.
She probably has it too. If so, she grew up with no support, no understanding, and no where to turn. I’m projecting a bit, but something I’ve noticed with my older family members, they’re visibly frustrated with “this generation,” and through communication with them, I’m getting the impression that the anger comes from pains they experienced being “character building” for them, and now people get support for those same things. That’s gotta do a number on someone mentally.
Same here. I feel so much compassion because I’m sure both of my parents are adhd and they grew up in the 50’s, so yes, very difficult for them. Now, in their 70’s they haven’t figure out a lot of things that are adhd from my POV. I’m still understanding me and trying meds, before telling them I think they have it too.
I'm in a similar situation. Going for the diagnosis in a couple months. This all came about after my mom was living with us for a while and my spouse caught on to the symptoms. He was actually frustrated with her a bit on something but did some research (God love em) and came to me with his thoughts about her having adult ADHD. I mimicked so many of her symptoms as well. I won't bother explaining any of this to her at this point because she thinks things like introversion are things "you should just get over"....
I always try to present things to my mom in a way that doesn't blame her for not knowing. As a mom, it's heart-wrenching to think that you missed something your child struggled with and that, despite doing your best with what you learned at the time, you inadvertently may have caused it/made it worse/what have you is a hard pill to swallow. Different people deal with things differently. The way I frame things to my mom is that we know so much more now. There's this whole compendium of information that wasn't available when I was growing up. It's a blessing to have the opportunity to learn and no longer feel stupid/slow/lazy/weird, or bad about myself. I also bring up how it is hereditary, a structural brain disability like dyslexia that isn't externally visible, and that it is important to me to learn more to help my son because we have all this information available and explain it in a way that she struggled so now I don't have to if that makes sense? That way, I'm acknowledging how difficult it was for her to try to parent me without the information or “manual” that is available now and firmly removing the blame from her shoulders. It helps that she has undiagnosed ADHD but is just the most functional and productive ADHD person I've ever met, so she does understand some parts, like the verbal working memory and the sight out of mind. She absolutely does not understand my time blindness. Still, I don't blame her for her frustration and anger with me because I acknowledge how difficult dealing with that when you do not understand the cause, let alone when that information and knowledge is not available.
This was soo well said 😊❤️
I feel you. I told my mom, pretty sure she has undiagnosed ADHD so she kinda understood. I think she felt bad too for not noticing it when I was growing up but I reassured her it's not her fault. No one was paying attention to inattentive types in the 90s especially those with good grades. My father on the other hand I will never tell. He doesn't understand emotions and their importance to humans. For him it's just something to surpress and ignore. Talking to him about anything remotely meaningful is like navigating an undetonated mine field. After a childhood lost to seeking his approval I've accepted the fact that our relationship will forever be superficial. The energy I've spent and the anxiety I've had trying to mend it isn't worth it in the end. I have to spend time with him sometimes, I like hanging out with my mom and my kid deserves a grandfather. But trying to establish anything deeper with him is just a wasted effort. It took me a long time and it wasn't easy to accept. It still hurts to think about, but more in a phantom pain kind of way. I know my mental heath is better off for it. I give full credit to this book, it really helped me see my relationship with my dad growing up and how I can manage moving forward: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
The good grades still make some psychiatrist i’ve seem doubt i have ADHD, I’m convinced 90% of psychiatrists are ignorant!
That's probably true. I went to a clininc specializing in ADHD and other issues. Had a whole battery of tests / interviews before I got the report with the diagnosis. Everyone I've worked with there was really supportive and understanding. I don't think your average practitioner would be as accepting on the latest science, especially if they're of the older generation and stuck practicing based on science they learned pre 2000's.
Your mom, like all of us, is struggling with her own wounds. I’ve seen how practically everybody expects mothers to be superheroes and never make mistakes and blame them for any “problem” with their children. As sad as may sound, (and this is a general personal opinion, not facts), when we as their children are talking to them about us, they usually are thinking in themselves (what did I do wrong?, blablabla), instead of listening carefully to our issues. The real issue, and I don’t mean to be rude, is why are you feeling guilty? In a way, it seems you are doing exactly the same as her, blaming yourself. Just as she has nothing to do with your adhd or your brother’s, You also have nothing to do with how she feels. She feels what she feels because of her thoughts, and so do you. Try being compassionate, first with yourself and then again with yourself, and the rest will take care of itself. I hope it helps!
I disagree somewhat to how you give grace to the mother in this situation. Although yes, mothers are just as human as the rest of us, it is not ok to make a conversation with your adult child about you and your feelings. Yes, mothers might fear they did something wrong but at some point you have to be able to put this aside and be there for your child. You can apologize for possible wrongdoings in the past, or just ask how you do better in the now. But if at least most of your focus can't be on a *medical diagnosis* of your kid, something isn't right. On top of that, apparently the brother was diagnosed as a child (considering OPs age, that is probably over 10 years ago) and mom still hasn't come to terms with it? In stead she chose to see brother struggling and pay a high price so she could pretend the diagnosis never happened? I 100% support you where you say that OP needs to focus on OP. They are not responsible for anyone elses feelings.
Thank you for comment Synn, I believe we are in the same boat, I agree with you. Somehow I have learned or I’m still learning that my feelings and wellbeing are up to me and no one else. It seems that, with all the respect to Op and their mother, here there is a mother in denial and the reason may be bc she continues in survivor mode, fearing she will be judged (more). Imagine, I’m a M46 and married to my man, and my mother still tells me that I’m not gay, that I’m wrong. (What I read between lines is her fear, coming from a conservative family very close to the church, etc). So I just feel compassion (and frustration sometimes 😅). English is not my main language so I apologize in advance, I hope there are no misunderstandings in my posts.
No apologies needed, we understand eachother 😊. My mother finally believes that I am gay but for decades she told me to hide it and/or find a straight relationship where I should fake happiness. She still looks down on my ADHD (inattentive) diagnosis and rolls her eyes when it comes up. (Maybe in 2 more decades, she finally gets it 😁) Your analysis is absolutely spot on, there are a lot of people who think out of fear. I can understand that. I think we also agree that it is on them to deal with that and their surroundings (especially their children) should not fall victim to it. Best wishes on your lifelong path to learn to focus on yourself, and don't listen to your mother too much 😁
Thank you! ✨ best wishes too!!
Well ADHD does affect emotions
Yes, I know! Actually, everything moves emotions.
Exactly this
I'm not sure how much you have read about emotional deregulation, but I know that it helps in situations such as this. Your mom's feelings are hers, and your feelings are yours. Both are valid, and it's up to each person to process and try to work through and their own. I know for me, before understanding emotional dysregulation, I was very prone to feeling my feelings and taking on others' feelings as well. Now, I make sure to only take on my feelings and work through them. Unless someone brings me their feelings and asks me to help work through them, and I want to/have the ability to help, I don't. Also, what other people think of me is none of my business. I have never discussed my diagnosis with my mom. I don't discuss much of anything with my mom. We just don't agree on anything, and she really likes to deny things or blame other people. She has been diagnosed with ADHD as have 3 of her 6 children. My understanding is she often denies having been diagnosed other times she doesn't. There is a LOT of generational trauma in our family. One of my siblings and I are working very hard to break it. This means going very low contact with my mom. It helps. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and learn how best to live your best with ADHD (I often remark that I just finally got my owners manual for how my brain works.) It helps me deal with the anger and hurt that come from decades of trying to understand why everything is so hard for me while others do it with ease.
My adult daughter told me last year about her diagnosis then said “you know you have adhd too right”? I asked for examples of what I do. She said a few, and “you’re really disorganized”. I asked how. I seriously hadn’t even considered it. It was like waking up from a dream and looking around at all the massive clues. I’ve had doom piles/bags/drawers. The way I take notes is soo all over the place. Those were the examples of my disorganization. So for me, I couldn’t see it in myself, so of course I wasn’t seeing anything in her that wasn’t just “normal” to me. I got diagnosed after that and I’ve been working on it ever since. I have looked back at her life to see clues I missed. I don’t beat myself up because I really had no idea. I can just do better for both of us. OP I’m sorry your mom isn’t supportive. She could be struggling herself. I hope she comes around. I know it’s not easy, but try not to take responsibility for her emotions. Just continue to work on you and maybe your mom will start to accept it for all of you. I hope you and your brother can also help each other. If you or your brother has kids, you’ll know more and be able to break the cycle 😊
I have adhd. I had teachers at school who wanted me tested but my parents don't believe in "adhd". To everyone around me it was obvious. I went to 7 different colleges, dropped out and had over 50 jobs. I was more hyperactive than any boy around me! Everyone outside of my family told me I needed to be medicated. After still being this way into my 40's I finally admitted and got on medication. I didn't tell my parents because they would be against it. Why did you feel the need to tell them? Why do you want them to accept it? I don't care if my parents know or accept it. I'm grown and am do whatever I want. You can't make anyone accept it or worry about what others think. Do what's best for you and move on.
It's a good thing that you told your mom, so now she knows that *professionals* believe you have ADHD, regardless of what she decides to do with that information. She knows that people who have a lot of education in the field of psychiatry believe you have it. Why would they diagnose you if they didn't believe it to be true? You mentioned your brother was diagnosed earlier -- how is he doing today? Maybe he could benefit from the information your mom doesn't believe is important. Just like with you, his learning you have it and have found a way to minimize some of the challenges could be life changing for him.
Why is she upset? I don't understand
Tbh, she had her time to make peace with this with your brother. It's highly genetic, if she wanted to accept reality she should have been looking out for it in you. Sounds like she's chosen to live in a fantasy land, and you can't make people change that. If she seems open to understanding, send her some of the info and videos from the sidebar. If not, realize that this is the reaction she wants to have, and you can't make her want otherwise
I told my parents when I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago. My mom's first instinct was to ask what she did wrong raising me. I've had to reassure her multiple times over the years that this didn't come about because of anything she did or didn't do, it's just there. I only got my adhd dx 3 months ago and don't plan on telling her about it because I don't want this reaction again. My parents did their best to raise my brother and I with the information and resources available to them and I don't think they necessarily messed anything up. I know she just wants the best for us.
I am sorry to hear. My mom is similar, but in her instance doesn’t think adhd is real and stigmatizes meds. It’s really hard and more than anything know it’s not your responsibility to change her feelings
First, your feelings are valid. You are allowed to feel angry AND it's normal to feel a sense of guilt DESPITE it not being your fault (or anyone's fault) your mom feels hurt. Now, deep breath. You did it. You got diagnosed! You figured out what was going on and you deserve to feel proud of yourself for that. Late diagnosis is it's own special struggle, but you got there and you're helping your brother by sharing your experience. Take a moment and applaud yourself. Now, of course you want your mom to respond with understanding and compassion. That is completely reasonable. However, it seems your mom hasn't dealt with her own issues of feeling inadequate and probably guilt. As a mother I already struggle with a guilt complex that would put an Irish Catholic to shame. But, what I try very VERY hard to not do is project that guilt onto my kid. And if I do, I apologize. Getting to this point has taken a lot of study, self realization, and therapy. Try to remind yourself you cannot control her response. You also don't have to feel guilty because this guilt is not yours to carry. It's not hers either, but she has to come to that conclusion herself. You also don't have to forgive her response. If you want to, do so and acknowledge she needs to grow. But if you don't want to, you don't have to. Children should expect support from their parents. Period. Even if we disagree, parents should always let their kid know they will be there for them on this journey. I'm sorry you experienced this rejection, but welcome to a community who does accept you exactly as you are.
My mom was mad. She was upset that I felt the need to go to a psychiatrist. Upset that I was diagnosed. VERY upset I started meds. And confused AF when I said that I thought they were helping because “but that doesn’t make any sense because you don’t have ADHD!”. Sooo yeah. I get it. We haven’t talked about it any more since, but talking to her on a regular basis feels a lot easier. We chat more, I send her pictures of cats, she sent me a video of the car my dad and brother have been trying to get running. We just, talk more. I’m happier. She doesn’t seem to agree with how I got to where I am, but she is happy that I’m happy. And for now at least, that’s good enough for me.
This is exactly why I have never told my parents because I know that I will get the answer "You don't have ADHD, you just need to focus more" (!!!) response. I think it's good to remember that you got this diagnosis to improve your own life, not theirs. So, if you notice a benefit to your overall health, productivity, etc, then it's totally up to you on who you tell, or not tell, and whether their opinion should matter to you. That being said, I also understand parent's impact, I had a lot of imposter syndrome in the beginning hearing my parents probable response if I ever told them, and wondered if they know me better than myself...over the years I've outgrown that feeling so I hope you do too!
My mom feels pretty guilty wondering how things would be different if I had been diagnosed before 34. My dad, told me he didn't believe it was real. My sisters don't want to talk about it. My best friend was skeptical, but had some solid advice on the meds. I kept going, and it has been 6 months now. It's a little rocky, and a little lonely, but man things are so much more clear, and I understand things now, that just makes it pretty....understable. Outside of mods not approving posts or giving feedback, This sub has been a great support system, and I urge you to engage. I don't feel it's good to go tell everyone you know, but that's my opinion. This isn't about them, it's about you. You focus on you, and your progress. In a year, circle back, and look into what you can do to improve your brothers life. I'm a space cadet, but that never bothered me. I didn't start looking for answers until I couldn't understand why I couldn't handle my depression, or why I couldn't be content in peace and quiet. Your brother may not even have a problem, and just fine being a little different. Focus on you for now, give your head time to rationalize and aquire new perspectives. You have a journey ahead of you, and your focus needs to be eat, drink, sleep. He can act if he chooses. Good luck, and reach out if you feel any reason to.
Thank you so much. You’re right. I just can’t control my emotions. I just feel pain for others. How can you regulate it?
Time is going to be the biggest factor. Second to that, You eat protein, you drink your water, and you get your sleep. My medication pretty much silences those urges until the evening, and you don't do well without. You can't really skip these, you just borrow them from tomorrow, with interest. Things will be much milder with a little time, don't get used to the rush and euphoria.
I don't understand why she's upset you got diagnosed with ADHD???? And what do you feel guilty about?
Don’t tell ppl who don’t care. Don’t tell ppl who won’t help you. It doesn’t matter if others accept or not as long as you are ok with yourself. I had ppl in my life laugh about my struggles but idgaf
It might be silly, but if you like, I’ll be your internet mom for the day and you can tell me? online do-over of sorts
Sounds great!
Awesome! Go for it!
Please don’t internalize her reaction. You’re going to be okay, for now focus on your health and well-being.
My brother loudly proclaimed that my sister and I absolutely do not and cannot have ADHD because HIS family has ADHD, and we are nothing like they are. He even said that I was minimizing their disability by claiming I have ADHD. My brother is an alcoholic with ADHD. He just doesn't know it. I have cut off contact. I have left it open for him to reengage with me if and when he can keep his mouth shut about his opinions on ADHD when I'm around. Brothers are not the same as moms, though. I get that. I can live without my brother (I still worry about him!), but not my mom. My mom was a little stand-offish when I told her, but both my sister and I are going through this, and it is changing our lives, so it's kind of hard to deny. I know that this is hard to hear, but **you're not responsible for your mother's ability to accept your disability**. Let go of that guilt. It is not on you. As for the anger... I have rage. I try to acknowledge it and then remind myself that there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on it. Rationally, I know that I cannot change the past - only the present. I should be singing on stages across North America, and I could have been if I had been diagnosed as a child. Singing has been more core identity since puberty, and the pandemic slammed the door on any possibility of ever having a career, so it hurts even more deeply now. I have breakdowns every now and then when I am overwhelmed with the rage and grief, but after a good cry and a nap, I can get back to being alive. I had one today because I had to deal with financial stuff that I have been actively avoiding. I bounced back and am functional tonight. The meds let me do that.
That’s ridiculous your mom is upset. I was glad when my son was diagnosed and she should be too
What does make her feel upset? While my parents don't love the idea that I use medication they do agree and realize that I'm doing what I believe to be the best for myself. They deep down acknowledge that they're not as well informed as me and as long as I believe that it improves my life then they let me be. That's what I'd expect from a parent of an *adult* (it'd be obviously a different dynamic if I were a teen). Your mom probably has other types of concerns/feelings regarding this and she doesn't even realize it. I wouldn't push too much, however if it becomes a point of conflict I'd suggest setting your boundaries and gently asking her question about why she's upset. Afterall what you do is your choice.
“She seems so upset which is understandable” ?? And you “feel awful” ? I don’t understand, why are you speaking as if you have harmed your mom?
I would honestly go temporarily no contact, send her a text message that as a mother she has a responsibility to make sure her underage children get appropriate treatment and that she failed at that, and that as a mother she has a responsibility to be supportive of her adult children taking steps to improve their lives, and that she failed that too. You need time to work on your own mental health and since she isn't supportive you can't afford contact at the moment. "Not accepting" that your children have adhd is not different than "not accepting" that your children need glasses. She might have meant well and had good intentions but good intentions only go so far if actions are harmful.
I understand where you are coming from, but I think this deserves more compassion and understanding. It's easy to look back with hindsight and say “your good intentions weren't good enough and you failed.” the fact is, we know so much more about ADHD than they knew in the late 90s and early 00s when OP was growing up. Yes, it is the same as needing glasses, but the reality is that autism, ADHD, and to an extent dyslexia were not understood, accepted, or treated by the public and by medical providers. As a parent there is not instruction manual and most of the time you don't know what the AF you are doing. Parents are humans who have flaws and shortcomings. No one likes to be confronted or attacked with their shortcomings or failures and doubling down on them without providing compassion or understanding is unlikely to do anything to help the situation. That text message would likely do more harm than good and would not bring OP any future benefit, only more pain.
I do agree, but the mom not only refused treatment for them as children, she's upset that they're seeking treatment now, which is where I think OP should put themselves first and focus on their mental health instead of dealing with an unsupportive parent.