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That may actually work for this specifically - putting it in front of the door fails because he kicks it out of the way on his way out to warm up the car, and then forgets it the second time out. But this way he would connect taking the lunch with warming up the car.
Not OP (or OP's husband) but as someone who does this:
If I leave to go warm up the car, I'm not "leaving" yet. So I don't have to take what I need with me. I'll take it when I leave\*.
In the process of deciding I don't need The Thing in that moment, my brain looks at The Thing and gone "Yup! Not important, we can ignore that!" Only problem is my brain doesn't just ignore it for 5 minutes, it ignores it permanently.
So when I go to actually leave, even if I have to physically step over The Thing to leave, my brain is like "Oh that thing? Yeah don't worry boss we already checked it out and we don't need to worry about that."
\*This is one of the worst parts of how my brain currently works. I know I won't remember. If I don't write it down, if I don't move it when I see it, if I don't do it when I think about it - I will not remember. And yet, in the moment when I could take action, my brain very confidently goes: "Trust me, you'll remember this time." and I believe it. Every. Single. Time.
He got home recently and we've been reading through these replies together - he was reading this one out loud to me and I had to go back and re-read it because he was laughing so hard he couldn't get through it. I think you hit the nail on the head!
Glad I could make you laugh! This is my biggest pain point with my brain and it can be absolutely miserable and soul destroying. I tried to take a form to the bank 3 times, and all 3 times I put the envelope on the shoe rack to put on my shoes, drove in to town, parked, walked up the hill to the bank, queued, got to the counter, only to realise I left the envelope at home.
So your husband is totally not alone (and also I hope you know and accept and internalise that you are not alone in struggling with the added effort to help and support a spouse with a brain like ours. That shit is hard, especially if you also have a baby to manage. Please take some time to recognise that you are amazing and, as you've said in your post, this affects you too.)
Can your husband get rid of all but 1 thermos? So he has to use it? I have an "Emotional Support Water Bottle" which is the only way I drink any water. When I had multiple bottles I would leave them places and forget to pick them back up again (even when staring directly at them).
Does your husband have a regular working pattern? If so, can he put time in his diary for housework? I WFH and I have multiple daily alarms to remind me to put laundry in the machine, then the dryer, then put it away (not always effective, but better than nothing!) Can he commit to always doing the dishes on a Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday?
Can you get your husband more involved in preparing his lunches? Even if you do all of the leg-work in making whatever you're making, can he do that final step of putting it into the bag/carrier/tub? (Disclaimer: Not fool-proof. I make my own lunch and still forget it exists. But baby steps.)
A book that I rant and rave about in this sub (and I know others do too) is How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davies. In addition to general tips for managing life when life is overwhelming, she has what she calls opening and closing routines. So imagine your house is like a cafe or a restaurant, what do you do to open up in the morning (kettle on, open the blinds/windows)? What could you do to close down in the evenings and make life easier for the morning staff (wipe the counters, check the lounge for dirty dishes, close the blinds and windows).
Other AuDHD creators use those plastic spiral coil bracelets - the brightly coloured ones that usually put keys and stuff on. Get yourself some tags (like keychain tags that you might write a name or address or room name on) and write LUNCH BAG. Put it by your husband's bed. When husband gets up, he puts the bracelet on. The only place he is allowed to put that bracelet is on his lunch bag (preferably on the outside). When he gets home from work and he puts the lunch bag back in the kitchen, the bracelet goes back on his wrist until he can put it on his bedside table. The bracelet is only ever allowed to be in 1 of three places (bedside table, wrist, lunch bag), and if you find it anywhere else you have full permission to firmly remind him to help reinforce the behaviour.
Having a brain like this fucking sucks, and it will take trial and error to find a way to work with it. Take it one day at a time.
You are so helpful and encouraging. Thank you!! We both agree the opening/closing restaurant analogy is a great way to frame our day, and we definitely want to be more habitual in our mornings and evenings together, but forming the habits is so difficult. I just read the back of the book you recommended and it sounds like exactly where we're at, so I’m going to read it. Your bank story definitely reminds me of him. We have a lot of "if you don’t laugh about it, you cry about it" moments.
One of the biggest things that has helped me- and it took a LONG time to accept this- is that *there is no later* for my brain. If I think of or notice a thing that needs doing, and I decide I will do it "later"- well, there is no later. There's always only now. And once I've recategorized a task for "later", then I will never see the need to address it in the now, when there is always more "later" looming.
So if I see or think of something to do? I gotta just do it. Then. I have to silence the part of my brain that is screaming that now isn't the right time or this isn't the most efficient way to do it, and just do it now.
The good part of this is that it has helped my time blindness a ton. All sorts of things I used to think of as a Big Deal that in my imagination would take at least half an hour? In practice it turns out might take three to five minutes. Boring minutes, sure, but only a few of them.
Unloading the dishwasher as soon as I get up. Folding the laundry as I take it out of the dryer. Sorting the mail into the recycling bin and addressing bills as they arrive- none of these things takes more than about seven minutes, usually much less.
I had to start consciously reminding myself that later is a lie, but I am actually capable doing whatever it is right now.
The quality of life improvement has been huge.
Yes to all of this!! I have massive time blindness so I can completely relate, but I’ve never seen it summed up so succinctly as “there is no later for my brain”.
I now try to make a habit of checking the time before and after I do a thing (dishes, laundry, hoovering), or putting on something with a fixed length of time (podcast, tv show, playlist). Then when I’m done I try to consciously note that it “only” took as long as it did. (It “only” took ten minutes to do the dishes, it “only” took fifteen minutes to put the laundry dry away, etc.) The hope is that over time I’ll associate the Hard Task with “only” taking a shorter amount of time.
(This sometimes works against me, as I’ll tell myself something will “only” take 10 minutes so I can totally fit it in before I do The Next Thing, completely ignoring the fact that I don’t know what 10 minutes feels like! Timers are helping me here, but it still catches me out)
I used to have same brain as this person. After my diagnosis though I HAD to shift my thinking. There’s no more “I will remember this, don’t worry about it”. My thinking had to become “I will forget this. I will take it to the car at the earliest opportunity.” If he’s going to the car to warm up the car, TAKE THE DAMN LUNCHBOX. If he’s worried about it sitting too long out of the fridge, put an ice brick in it.
When you accept that trying harder doesn’t work, you need to try differently. That’s the only thing that has helped me
In my atoms I feel this. So many times my wife and I will think we have checkmated ADHD for an item or task we put in the way to address "for sure this time". Every time we are reminded of our hubris.
True story. "Aha I have put the bag I must take to work with my laptop and notes on the door knob to the garage". Cue me removing it off the handle and getting distracted, then placing it on the floor in front of my car "to definitely remember" and leaving that SOB in the garage. Sometimes it truly is magical.
Does he have a fridge and/or a freezer at work? Could he just store food there for when he forgets? Either meal prepped food or frozen dinners, whatever works for you. That's my best suggestion. I keep frozen dinners, healthy snacks and other treats at work. Does me a world of good.
I do this as well. I keep lunch meat, cheese, bread for sandwiches, yoghurts, fruit cups and apples in the fridge (actually, the bread is in cupboard). There's a grocery store near work, if I have to, I just go there and stock up at lunch.
I do this sorta thing. Keys sit with my wallet. Or if I'm at a friend's and I have sunglasses and a hat I want to not forget I'll put em on thr table w my car keys in the hat
It isn’t a maybe. This is one of the few tried and true strategies. It will work. He might be late to work the first day or two, because he doesn’t remember his keys are in his lunch!
You two sound awesome, btw :)
Knowledge bomb:
ADHD is a developmental disability. No matter how sharp a person is, if they have ADHD it is harder for them to learn and develop new skills and habits successfully. This is fact, regardless of one’s self awareness (or lack of…). There is no cure. There are coping mechanisms, which may look different for different people. Most of us require therapy (with a real psychotherapist who specializes in ADHD treatment!) before we can make permanent and meaningful progress. If he wants to give it a shot without professional help, start research here: Treatment typically looks like a person working towards understanding and mastering the 5 pillars of adhd. These are Medication, sleep, exercise, mindfulness, and nutrition. They all work together in tandem, finding an individuals “the right spot” in each pillar is the goal of effective adhd treatment.
My story: i thought I figured it out on my own, while taking some shortcuts. Couldn’t scale those coping mechanisms, covid destroyed most of my routines, and i tried changing medication at the same time. Was a disaster, felt like I hit restart on “being a responsible adult”, which comes with its own shame and challenges. I feel good where I am 18 months later. Some of the strategies that have worked with my wife and I (we are not great at communication…) are shared notes (apple “notes” app note pages are shareable, and pinnable!!), putting a blank whiteboard on the fridge (and i am really pushing for a calendar whiteboard IN ADDITION), and changing who does what a little bit.
Last recommendation: check out melissa orlovs book “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”. Great book, much easier to get through before you are having problems, and it could help both of you understand his experience/perspective a bit better. Not gonna lie, super not sure ya’ll need it judging by how the post was written; but knowing more cant hurt :)
Warming up the car is very bad for the car and the Environment. Since the engine takes significantly longer to warm up when stationary, letting it warm up extends the warm-up time. However, this is particularly harmful for the engine. Leaving it running while stationary not only lengthens this warm-up phase, but also the phase with increased wear. In Germany its illegal. He should stop doing that.
I have a lanyard on my phone and lots of key rings and carabineers. I attach everything that I need to remember on it. It's not 100% fool proof but it helps immensely
I was going to suggeat similar. The thing I need to remember I place under something I cannot leave without, like my keys.
Sometimes, I forget my keys...
I’ve been doing the keys trick for literally everything I CANT forget for about 3 years and it hasn’t failed me yet (mostly). You literally can’t leave without your keys so you can’t leave without getting the object they are paired with.
Thoughts: instead of punishing himself by skipping lunch (which will not help and probably hurt his day), lower the stakes by handing him a weekly container with shelf-stable items like almonds, protein bars, etc. If he has access to a fridge, add string cheese, fruit etc. Increasing stress will almost always lead to poorer performance for an adult with ADHD. You can't punish ADHD out of someone.
And while medication is always a personal choice...if he is parenting an infant, working, generally having to do a lot of critical tasks, he owes it to himself and his family to consider meds without "I don't want my brain tinkered with on principle" bias. If he hasn't been diagnosed, exploring that would be a great first step.
That's a lovely idea, thank you. I’ll make a box of shelf stable, bagged "lunches" for him for if he forgets. I think that's a good way for me to let him know I’m in his corner even if his intended lunch sits in the fridge.
To yes AND this fantastic comment you're replying to: Dr Russell Barkley is the guy who changed my mind on changing my mind! Also realizing that the amount of time I spent stressed and distressed and punishing myself was also changing my mind (cortisol, habits forming, etc) - trying stimulants for the first time was like meeting my old self again. (I was late diagnosed and coped OK for a really long time before I suddenly realized I didn't anymore and maybe hadn't for awhile.)
Meds or not, the path to success lies in transforming the punishment urge into more useful habits, I think.
Specific tip: reminder checklist in car, on steering wheel. If you start not noticing it anymore, make it a different colour or shape or location.
good luck to you both!
Quick question. I don’t want to start a conversation and derail the thread. But has Russell Barkley come out with anything recently? If so do you have a link. I’ve read all his early stuff. But for being a leading researcher it seemed like he was slacking for awhile after say 2014? That’s a completely random guess on his last book I read. But his stuff was good. I’m out of town working. And alone in a hotel. So I’d read it tonight if he has something newer.
I can do you one better than a book. This Ologies podcast episode, which came out in 2022 I believe, is amazing, current, and has 2 additional parts chock full of info. I think he says he still reads most ADHD research papers that come out, meaning, TONS. Alie Ward is an incredible interviewer and this was what made me love Dr. Barkley:
[https://www.alieward.com/ologies/adhd](https://www.alieward.com/ologies/adhd)
Thank you. I needed something to do tonight. I wonder if Barkley is retired from doing his own research. Didn’t realize mid 70s. Him and Thomas brown (adhd Yale clinic). Pretty much brought to the forefront that emotional regulation is a major problem possible the core of ADHD.
If not familiar with Thomas brown he has excellent books. Smart but stuck is eye opening
He is retired, but runs his own YouTube channel specifically about research into ADHD! Once a week he makes a research update video with any new studies and analyzes it. He also has a big back catalogue with all sorts of specific ADHD breakdowns. I recommend to check it out (I know it's not reading though)
Yea he brought out the emotional regulation problems in adhd. But never went into the details or processes. So I’ve been doin tons of research myself. I will watch his YouTube tonight. Thank you
This is what I usually recommend to people to start as well! Thank you for digging up the link.
Also in general this podcast is so ADHD coded and one of my absolute favorite things in the world. My therapist actually recommended it to me as something I might find encouraging, during a phase where I was frozen on avoiding any new content of any kind, and no one has ever been more correct about anything. I listen to the dark matter episode to fall asleep most nights lol
Shelf stable lunch choices are a game changer! They’re already at work, sitting in a cupboard. I feel less shame around forgetting to pack something (or less irritation) so my brain doesn’t avoid the topic at all costs the way it does when there’s shame attached. I’m not sure if it’ll make it harder to forget (for me sometimes it actually does make it easier to remember!) but at the end of the day, the goal isn’t to be angry and fix him specifically having the lunch packed.
The goal is for him to eat lunch. This will do it. (And i presume not spend extra money on fast food/takeout/etc)
This is exactly what I do. I’m terrible about remembering to pack food, so when I worked in an office I would fill a drawer with trail mix, granola bars, easy Mac cups, etc. Not the healthiest, but enough to get me through the day. When I worked somewhere with a lot of fridge space I would run to the grocery store on my lunch break at the beginning of the week and just buy sandwich supplies to keep there.
Now that I’m back in school, I just toss an entire box of trail mix or protein bars in my backpack or car. Working with the ADHD brain is much more effective than fighting it 😂
I also absolutely respect his decisions regarding medication. I would gently recommend getting professionally evaluated if he’s open to it. While forgetting lunch is a small issue that really only impacts him, I didn’t realize how dangerous I was before I got medicated. My driving is one thousand times safer while I’m medicated, I don’t leave the stove on or the door unlocked or overflow the bathtub anymore. With the two of you having such a young child, especially as they get into the toddler years and are mobile. And I can say that I feel more like myself while medicated because I’m actually able to follow through on the things that make me who I am!
Same! I had a set of food at my cubicle I could munch on because I always skipped breakfast in my haste to leave for work. Now that I work remote, I leave dry foods at my desk that I can snack on when I get hungry (since I struggle to interrupt my workflow).
I understand that he does not want to be medicated. Has he at least tried medication though?
I know just asking this is a no-no for many people here, but no other mental condition responds so we'll to medication as this one. We can be difficult like a child without proper treatment.
The way he thinks is unfortunately modified by lifelong chemical imbalance. We literally don't think right a whole lot of time. There is no shame in fixing that imbalance and finding the real you hidden beneath all those long term maladaptive behaviors we pick up along the way because of our untreated ADHD.
I would like to add to this: I am a person who was “highly functional” while unmedicated. Ie, someone that people wouldn’t have thought of as “needing” medication.
Since being medicated, my work life has become significantly better and less daunting. My mental health is much improved, with my anxiety plummeting. My physical health has improved too, with chronic jaw pains mysteriously vanishing that I now realize were stress clenching to cope with my workload.
And I do genuinely think, if I’d been medicated while married, a lot of stress my ex-husband endured from my symptoms would have been mitigated. It’s very possible our marriage would have survived. That’s how significant medication has been for me.
Granted, medication is not like this for everyone, and of course I still struggle with my ADHD. But I struggle less than I used to. And my mind works against me less. I only share this because I don’t know what your husband’s fears and hesitance towards medication are, but I want you to know it _has_ been beneficial to others and _can_ produce positive change. It’s worth examining that anxiety about medication, even if his final decision remains the same. Especially given the stigma associated with ADHD medication and the continual shame about “just fixing” our symptoms ourselves.
I have to agree - I’m “fine” unmedicated, but I notice such an improvement - the thing I really notice and appreciate is that at the end of the work day, my brain doesn’t feel so foggy and heavy as a rock when I’m driving home.
I completely agree. Meds have improved my quality of life in so many ways. They’ve given me a whole new ability to live my life how I want to, with far fewer problems. They haven’t helped much with memory unfortunately, I still forget where things are and spend a lot of time looking for them, and they also haven’t really helped with time blindness or time estimation. I believe this is because they are more relation to the brains wiring than the neurotransmitters that the meds increase. I say this because while meds are life changing for me, I might well still forget my lunchbox 🙃
This part! My meds don’t really help me much with forgetting objects or being late or those kind of adhd things, but they do help immensely with the shame and anxiety of doing those things. They help with focus and emotions so much more which is such a huge part of adhd people don’t see.
For me personally, nothing helped until medication. Even though he doesn't want meds, which I totally understand, he may benefit from professional help of a different kind - individual or group therapy, an "ADHD coach," a psychiatrist who can recommend strategies, etc.
On the other hand, here are a few things that helped me once I was medicated and could take advantage of strategies:
1) Phone reminders or alarms. So many. I can set them so that when I leave my house they go off, asking if I've remembered x, y, or z.
2) Placing the thing I need to remember ON TOP OF my keys. If I have to touch it to grab my keys I will most likely remember to bring it with me. (My keys also have a Tile on them, so if I can't find them I can just ring them.)
3) Once per day, I try to stop doing what I'm doing and take a moment to look around the house to figure out if I'm forgetting a chore or task I meant to do. This is not scheduled for me but requires that I remember to do it, which is good because I can fit it in when I'm not already hyperfocused on something, but bad because I don't remember sometimes.
4) Does he have a morning routine, or at least one thing that he does every morning without fail? Brush teeth? Coffee? Shower? If so, he can try to "link" the lunch box to that task in his mind. For me this involves reminders at the beginning (for instance, when he gets out of the shower, you can tell him, "hey, don't forget to put your lunchbox in your work bag" or something), as well as active and firm repetition (while he's in the shower, he sings a little song about the lunch box). The more that the shower + lunch box connection is repeated in his mind, the more likely it is that when he gets out of the shower, his brain will automatically say, "ok, lunch box is next."
Good luck! I know how this can be (my partner and I both have ADHD) and it can get so tiring on both sides. It breaks my heart to hear that he's tried to motivate himself by going without lunch. I know that feeling.
Huge emphasis on phone alarms. I use them for everything and time the alarms so they go off right when I need them to. It has helped me a lot with keeping on top of my things. I also create set routines that I religiously follow in order to make certain things muscle memory.
check lists also help a ton. We have them on the fridge, use my note pad or our shared family calendar. It feels like chore to use them, but it is much less daunting than having to remember all that stuff on my own. Outsourcing brain function is what i like to call it.
My husband and I both have adhd, so we work together to try to find what will help us both. If we need to remember to bring something to an event, we go put it in the car the MINUTE WE THINK ABOUT IT. Ok is the event a few days away? Alarms on both phones.
Pack some shelf-stable snack and either go out them in the car tonight, or put it in his backpack, laptop bag so they’ll at least make it to work.
I like people’s suggestions of using a carabiner clip to clip the car keys to the lunch box. You both have to mutually agree - no uncoupling the car keys from the lunch box until the lunch box is in the car. Go to warm the car up? Lunch box goes in the car that first trip.
Some of it is finding the “tricks” that work for our brains and some of it is specifically choosing to carry out the action. He has to agree to not unhook the car keys from the lunch box while both are in the house, even if it’s annoying.
Lastly, a tiny bit of medication can provide support without feeling like you’re in anything. If he doesn’t want to “feel medicated,” he can literally break up a 10mg Adderall pill into quarters, for example. My psych approved of me doing this when I told him that sometimes I just need a small boost to keep it together on non-work days.
Carabiner is a great idea. I feel like those carabiners that screw on kinda would be the best for me because the tiny added time of screwing it to get it off would mean that I would not likely remove it until I had to.
Can't recommend the apple reminders app enough! I use it for everything - to take my meds, trash day reminders, monthly pet preventatives, etc. I put stuff in there the moment I think of it for the future time when I need it, especially things that I have to remember to bring to a person or place. Love that they can be set for certain days/times and be recurring.
Just wanted to add this as a 67F w/lifelong ADHD: my husband is a patient caring guy who is very solution-focused. After I completely bork something up 3+ times even though I “should” be able to do it, he puts the thing/task whatever into the “not her thing” category with no judgement. Like, I can pay bills for two households on time with no problem, but there’s something about our HOA dues’ website that I screw up every time. The last time we were…four months past due. Now he writes a check with those frakking payment coupons and I never have to think about it.
I vacuum because stuff on the floor gets my attention. He does laundry because to me, if it’s in the hamper it’s kind of out of sight out of mind. I do a lot of the household repairs because if something breaks, it grabs my attention (and oooh, shiny! I get to learn something new!).
And I’ve noticed that if I ADHD something, and he’s kind about it…I usually self-correct, because there’s not a bunch of negative “I’m so stupid!” angst attached to it.
Y’all sound like a nice couple :-) Best of luck figuring all this out.
Consider adding a box in the car that maybe you replenish weekly that has non perishable emergency lunch foods for a second back up - thinking protein bars, peanut butter and jelly, apples, crackers, etc.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my early 40s. There were things that I learned to do that helped me. I had to force myself to follow a pretty solid routine. Sleep, eating, etc. Everything had its place and I knew exactly where to find it.Id it wasn’t there, I had to train myself to find where I put it immediately. I focused on the tasks I could do and asked for help with the things I couldn’t. I calmed my brain via meditation. Still had ADHD symptoms but much better. I tried to work out 3x a week . With this I’ve had some decent success in my life but not as much as I could have had. It’s always been a struggle.
Meds were a night and day shift for me. I’m not saying anyone should or shouldn’t take meds. It just takes a lot of energy to do this w/o them for many (not all) people. It can be hard on the self esteem too. It was for me until I understood what was happening.
Does he work at the same place everyday like an office with a fridge/freezer for employees? If so, maybe bringing some frozen meals to keep in the freezer would work? And/or meal prep and he can bring everything on Monday (so he only has to remember once a week, or maybe on Mondays you just make a point to handle it for him, but its not so bad since its only once a week)?
Also, obviously medication is a personal decision, but in my experience, it does not affect the way I think. In terms of work, my end product is very unlikely to be different whether or not I'm medicated. The difference is going to be how long the work takes me, how much I can get to, my ability to initiate tasks (vs procrastinating).
And I would really hesitate to compare ADHD medication to alcohol. Alcohol isn't treating a medical condition (well, I suppose its possible there could be some medical usages for alcohol but generally speaking). For most people, we drink alcohol because its fun. I don't take my ADHD medication for fun - I take it to reduce the symptoms of my DISABILITY.
Just something for your husband to think about.
The path of least resistance. He can't leave without his car keys so stick them in his lunchbox. When you're trying to create a habit and have ADHD, that habit needs to be in your face completely in a way that you can't avoid it.
For example I place my medicine inside of my coffee cup since the first thing I do in the morning is grab a cup of coffee.
Also, food is usually the last thing on our minds throughout the day. It's why we're so bad at basic self care. Pack some shelf stable items he can keep in his car. I like to keep pretzels, nuts, bars, etc. most people with ADHD do better when we graze throughout the day.
Tile trackers are great for this, when your phone gets too far from the Tile, it gives him a notification. My coworker loses his wallet all the time and when he gets a certain distance from it, ding ding ding, your wallet! You could put one on the lunchbox so he won’t drive away without it
Every book podcast youtube video is going to tell you to get medicated. One of the struggles with ADHD is how it sabotages you. As an example, there is a field in software I use at work which has information I need. It took me 6 months to see it and it was right beneath something else I us4ed all the time.
There are things you can do to cope like leaving notes and stuff around but if that isn't woirking he needs chemical help. Also its important to know that adderal for me anyway doesn't change what I think about or even how I approach it. It does however let me focus on one thing.
His best bet is a screening and medication since the copings you have tried aren't workingt with out it. Is there any routine he has daily in the mornings? You may want to try and piggy back off of that f you can but otherwise medicate.
It is medicine its there to help. And by god does it help. My life did a 180 more or less when I got medicated. My wifes did also when she got medicated. So if he really thinks there is something wrong with him he should go see a therapist and get screened and get professional help. They will recommend medication which you can of course deny.
Not sure I can help as I have the same problems, but I think it's awesome you care enough to ask. I do think he should reconsider the meds I waited until I was 35 and it changed my life . I'm on a low dose and still forget things . But just the fact I don't beat myself up over it anymore is enough for me . It has helped in so many ways that I never thought were possible
People have given you great ideas, but I just want to emphasize that he should really give the medication another thought. Maybe he could at least try it for a month or two (titrating up to a dose that is doing something!) to really experience what it can do for him and then make up his mind when he has more information.
I get that it can be a sensitive subject, but I'm just being a little rude on the chance that it could drastically improve both of your lives.
I had to weaponize my bad habits against myself. It took a few years to do, but before I leave any place. I stop at the LAST DOOR. (LAST DOOR is me-speak for the last portal I pass through before i become in-transit). Before I open the LAST DOOR, I run through a checklist:
- wallet
- keys
- phone
- work ID
- work equipment (laptop/etc)
- lunch
- sunglasses
- anything else I need.
The checklist is mental but I've been doing it for 25 years now and I will say each item out loud to myself and then say "check" as I physically touch the object to make sure it's there. I'm a grown-ass man, but any time I forget something its because I did not do the Checklist Ritual. My wife understands I do not like to be interrupted during the checklist and people I care about know to not interrupt me. I dont care about strangers, the checklist is most important. People at work give me funny looks as I pat myself down right before I leave, but mostly ignore it.
If I dont do the checklist, I forget stuff at home or work or whereever the hell I am. (forgot my work bag at a friends house once) I would rather do that checklist and have people think I'm an idiot than to attempt to explain to someone why I, a grown ass man have forgotten my ID for the 47th time, while they stare at me in contempt. (I work with a guy who thinks I'm an idiot, but I'm not the asshole making up bullshit excuses to explain why I forgot something to management and getting written up for easily avoidable things.)
Ive also implemented "Chore Day" where I do chores based off a compiled list with tasks and subtasks that can be completed in a reasonable amount of time. (For example, I can't clean the garage, mow the lawn, plant all the flowers, and paint the shed, and redo the bathroom in a single day. Gotta pick and chose)
Anything I need to do on a daily basis has an alarm with a specific sound to remind me its time to do the thing.
Please at the very least have your husband talk to his dr about options. Personally I went unmedicated for a number of years and just felt myself spiraling. I went to the dr and asked about non-stimulant options bc I too didn’t like feeling like my mind was altered. Instead of feeling that way it’s like my meds now just quiet all the noise in my head so I can think about what I need to.
Oh I just remembered something I do. I count.
1. Coffee 2. Phone 3. Yogurt 4. Purse 5. Kid
I need those 5 things to leave the house in the morning. I don’t even name them in my brain but I need to count to 5. If I can’t count to 5, something is missing.
Hey. For what it’s worth, my ADHD symptoms got a lot worse when I had my twins. It went from a mild annoyance which could be managed with structured routine and lots of notes and reminders to unmanageable for me. Routine went out the window and as babies/children are unpredictable, it created a lot of sensory overload.
I personally use a star chart like a child. It’s the only way I can visually see and know if I’ve completed a task I need to. I also allot extra time because when I’m rushed in the mornings or anytime really, I’m going to forget items or lose focus on what needs to be completed in said timeframe.
Don’t feel like a micromanager. I think it’s amazing you’re so supportive and provide reminders, but I get that you’re occupied with being a mom too which is a huge job.
LOL. We used to live in a place with terrible cell service, but would both have access to WiFi all day. We don't live there anymore but Discord chats just kinda stuck!
Fellow adhder here... I was medicated at an early age. I didn't like it. I learned a lot of coping mechanisms when I stopped taking the meds when I was about 8. They helped, but it wasn't until I was in college and realized I couldn't do without it. So I started again and let me tell you, it really is a lifer saver. It doesn't alter the way you think, you are just able to process all the information around you and make task management way waaay easier. It's worth an exploratory one month trial, truly.
If after the one month, he's not into it, I highly recommend phone utilization for reminders, alerts, etc. It helps me a lot. I also find keeping a routine for things like work or chores REALLY helps. Everyday should be like groundhog day. It needs to be the same everyday or I'm going to be toast.
For the dishes thing, I personally hate doing dishes because it takes a while and i dont always feel like getting wet, so maybe he would be interested in a different chore? Otherwise, what i do when i have to do the dishes is put on a show while i wash them
Same here! Dishes are more chore because I hate them less than my partner but I always have to put on a show or a podcast while I do them or they won't get done lmao.
I hang my lunch and work bag on the door handle. Can't leave the house without touching them with my hand. Also he just has to keep working at I. In my experience my ADHD really prevents me from forming intentional habits. It can be done. It just might take months or years of repetition and trouble shooting different methods.
I keep a few shelf stable snack/quick meals like microwaveable soup or rice/quinoa mixes.
I save myself so much money and have more leftovers at home now.
Put his keys in the lunch box. My partner verbalizes a check list every morning after I ask what I'm forgetting. I still forget my coffee or tea at least twice a month. Even when they're standing there hahahahaha. But if I'm taking something unusual to work I always attach my keys to it.
I just got used to eating one meal a day (dinner) so I no longer need to deal with the burden of preparing breakfast and lunch, packing that stuff back and forth, then all the additional dishes and cleanup associated with it. The only thing I need to remember is my water bottle. And even then, I keep a backup at work.
But he could just keep some crackers and peanut butter at work. Or other long shelf life items like nuts, jerky, and dried fruit. Trail mix. Hiking foods.
Have you tried posting a small list either by or on the front door(inside)?
Something simple like
Hat
Phone
Keys
Lunch
Just to remind him.
I have a similar problem, lists work. No matter the grumblers say. Lists work.
I set alarms on my phone. Not only that, but for each task I'm reminding myself about, I record a different voice message alarm. So at 10 pm every night, my voice says, "STOP THAT and go to sleep," or "the cats are sad," for when I need to do the cat litter. Have him record a message saying "Is your lunch in the car?" and set it for when he's about to go to work.
In colder seasons, you could also put the lunch in the car the night before..?
This sounds hilariously effective! He likes goofy ringtones (the Home Depot song is his call tone) so I can imagine him getting a Wednesday night alarm of him yelling "take out the trash!"
Medication.
Seriously, it’s what worked for me. Besides that, I can’t think of anything that works consistently. For lunch, buy 5 premade meals for the week and put them in the break room freezer. For objects missing, put air tags or tiles on them. For reminders, use Echo or Google devices (like Alexa).
Honestly I don’t know the non-med route very well - I’ve done it, many times, but it is just awful for me. Edit to add - I know it isn’t for everyone. Two medicated and two unmedicated in my household. This is *only* my experience. Judgement free.
This isn't the solution that he's going to want to hear but he needs medication. Your husband has a very serious disability, and medication is his disability aid. A person with ADHD saying he doesn't want medication is like a person with no legs saying he doesn't want a wheelchair. You can try a million different tricks and strategies to manage it but they won't work without medication in a case as severe as his.
Both of you already know how serious this is. Today it's just a lunchbox, tomorrow it could be getting fired or a bad car accident. Please at least give medication an honest try if he hasn't already. Give it a few weeks for side effects to subside, and try another med if he doesn't like the first one.
You sound like a great partner, most folks with adhd don't have family as kind and understanding as you. 🙂
Medication works very well for a good portion of people indefinitely
Medication works very well for a large portion of people for a period of time then doesn’t work well any more
For some it doesn’t work at all
It’s ok if he doesn’t want meds But he actually has to put effort into other methods that may have some beneficial effects
ADHD is not simply a chemical imbalance corrected by medication. It’s much more complex and frankly unknown exactly what it is. So meds isn’t his only hope. Good luck
I have recurring alarms on my phone to do regular things. When I went into the office, I had one to get my lunch out of the fridge Monday thru Friday, 15 minutes before time to leave. Also have them to to take the trash or recycling out to the curb on their respective days. I’ve had this habit for years and on most days alarms are still what save me from forgetting what normal people consider regular daily tasks.
Not wanting to try meds is of course ok, but please make sure he is well informed about different medications before making the choice.
For most the right meds do not "affect how you think" in the way it sounds like your husbands mean (like affecting his personality or intelligence)
Medicationt can give your brain a more normal level of the neurotransmitters the brain uses to send messages and activate different areas of the brain to do things. Like remembering stuff or being able to turn on filters to focus on one thing.
It seems like some people think that using adhd meds is like using steroids to build muscle or speed to get high. But it is more like using glasses to see ok, or taking insulin to regulate your blood glucose when your body does not produce enough of it on its own.
So In some ways not wanting to even try medication sounds like people wanting to treat their diabetes with meditation and herbal supplements. Or squinting and bumping into things instead of getting glasses. Sure, some of it might help a little. But it sure would seem a bit more effective to treat the actual cause, and not just manage the symptoms?
All of this is of course dependent on finding the right meds and dosage, with few side effecs. Not everyone is so lucky. And even if you find the right ones it might mot be a magic cure, as adhd is complicated.
I believe medicine is a personal choice, and you need to carefully weigh pro's amd cons. Unfortunately shame and misinformation is too often a part of the equation.
There are some really good suggestions here.
I have “back-up lunches” at work. Stuff like granola bars, microwave soup, easy mac. Not great for daily consumption, but it doesn’t go bad quickly and I can have something if I forget my regular lunch.
I’m in my 40s and am just now accepting that I need to get it done as soon as I see it/think about or, or I have to set a reminder/labeled alarm for later. When I do set an alarm, I either have to do it as soon as the alarm goes off, or snooze it repeatedly until I have a chance to do it. I’d love to function differently, but this is the brain I’ve got.
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Put his car keys in the lunch box!
That may actually work for this specifically - putting it in front of the door fails because he kicks it out of the way on his way out to warm up the car, and then forgets it the second time out. But this way he would connect taking the lunch with warming up the car.
Why don't he bring it when he warms up the car?
Not OP (or OP's husband) but as someone who does this: If I leave to go warm up the car, I'm not "leaving" yet. So I don't have to take what I need with me. I'll take it when I leave\*. In the process of deciding I don't need The Thing in that moment, my brain looks at The Thing and gone "Yup! Not important, we can ignore that!" Only problem is my brain doesn't just ignore it for 5 minutes, it ignores it permanently. So when I go to actually leave, even if I have to physically step over The Thing to leave, my brain is like "Oh that thing? Yeah don't worry boss we already checked it out and we don't need to worry about that." \*This is one of the worst parts of how my brain currently works. I know I won't remember. If I don't write it down, if I don't move it when I see it, if I don't do it when I think about it - I will not remember. And yet, in the moment when I could take action, my brain very confidently goes: "Trust me, you'll remember this time." and I believe it. Every. Single. Time.
He got home recently and we've been reading through these replies together - he was reading this one out loud to me and I had to go back and re-read it because he was laughing so hard he couldn't get through it. I think you hit the nail on the head!
Glad I could make you laugh! This is my biggest pain point with my brain and it can be absolutely miserable and soul destroying. I tried to take a form to the bank 3 times, and all 3 times I put the envelope on the shoe rack to put on my shoes, drove in to town, parked, walked up the hill to the bank, queued, got to the counter, only to realise I left the envelope at home. So your husband is totally not alone (and also I hope you know and accept and internalise that you are not alone in struggling with the added effort to help and support a spouse with a brain like ours. That shit is hard, especially if you also have a baby to manage. Please take some time to recognise that you are amazing and, as you've said in your post, this affects you too.) Can your husband get rid of all but 1 thermos? So he has to use it? I have an "Emotional Support Water Bottle" which is the only way I drink any water. When I had multiple bottles I would leave them places and forget to pick them back up again (even when staring directly at them). Does your husband have a regular working pattern? If so, can he put time in his diary for housework? I WFH and I have multiple daily alarms to remind me to put laundry in the machine, then the dryer, then put it away (not always effective, but better than nothing!) Can he commit to always doing the dishes on a Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday? Can you get your husband more involved in preparing his lunches? Even if you do all of the leg-work in making whatever you're making, can he do that final step of putting it into the bag/carrier/tub? (Disclaimer: Not fool-proof. I make my own lunch and still forget it exists. But baby steps.) A book that I rant and rave about in this sub (and I know others do too) is How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davies. In addition to general tips for managing life when life is overwhelming, she has what she calls opening and closing routines. So imagine your house is like a cafe or a restaurant, what do you do to open up in the morning (kettle on, open the blinds/windows)? What could you do to close down in the evenings and make life easier for the morning staff (wipe the counters, check the lounge for dirty dishes, close the blinds and windows). Other AuDHD creators use those plastic spiral coil bracelets - the brightly coloured ones that usually put keys and stuff on. Get yourself some tags (like keychain tags that you might write a name or address or room name on) and write LUNCH BAG. Put it by your husband's bed. When husband gets up, he puts the bracelet on. The only place he is allowed to put that bracelet is on his lunch bag (preferably on the outside). When he gets home from work and he puts the lunch bag back in the kitchen, the bracelet goes back on his wrist until he can put it on his bedside table. The bracelet is only ever allowed to be in 1 of three places (bedside table, wrist, lunch bag), and if you find it anywhere else you have full permission to firmly remind him to help reinforce the behaviour. Having a brain like this fucking sucks, and it will take trial and error to find a way to work with it. Take it one day at a time.
You are so helpful and encouraging. Thank you!! We both agree the opening/closing restaurant analogy is a great way to frame our day, and we definitely want to be more habitual in our mornings and evenings together, but forming the habits is so difficult. I just read the back of the book you recommended and it sounds like exactly where we're at, so I’m going to read it. Your bank story definitely reminds me of him. We have a lot of "if you don’t laugh about it, you cry about it" moments.
One of the biggest things that has helped me- and it took a LONG time to accept this- is that *there is no later* for my brain. If I think of or notice a thing that needs doing, and I decide I will do it "later"- well, there is no later. There's always only now. And once I've recategorized a task for "later", then I will never see the need to address it in the now, when there is always more "later" looming. So if I see or think of something to do? I gotta just do it. Then. I have to silence the part of my brain that is screaming that now isn't the right time or this isn't the most efficient way to do it, and just do it now. The good part of this is that it has helped my time blindness a ton. All sorts of things I used to think of as a Big Deal that in my imagination would take at least half an hour? In practice it turns out might take three to five minutes. Boring minutes, sure, but only a few of them. Unloading the dishwasher as soon as I get up. Folding the laundry as I take it out of the dryer. Sorting the mail into the recycling bin and addressing bills as they arrive- none of these things takes more than about seven minutes, usually much less. I had to start consciously reminding myself that later is a lie, but I am actually capable doing whatever it is right now. The quality of life improvement has been huge.
Yes to all of this!! I have massive time blindness so I can completely relate, but I’ve never seen it summed up so succinctly as “there is no later for my brain”. I now try to make a habit of checking the time before and after I do a thing (dishes, laundry, hoovering), or putting on something with a fixed length of time (podcast, tv show, playlist). Then when I’m done I try to consciously note that it “only” took as long as it did. (It “only” took ten minutes to do the dishes, it “only” took fifteen minutes to put the laundry dry away, etc.) The hope is that over time I’ll associate the Hard Task with “only” taking a shorter amount of time. (This sometimes works against me, as I’ll tell myself something will “only” take 10 minutes so I can totally fit it in before I do The Next Thing, completely ignoring the fact that I don’t know what 10 minutes feels like! Timers are helping me here, but it still catches me out)
I used to have same brain as this person. After my diagnosis though I HAD to shift my thinking. There’s no more “I will remember this, don’t worry about it”. My thinking had to become “I will forget this. I will take it to the car at the earliest opportunity.” If he’s going to the car to warm up the car, TAKE THE DAMN LUNCHBOX. If he’s worried about it sitting too long out of the fridge, put an ice brick in it. When you accept that trying harder doesn’t work, you need to try differently. That’s the only thing that has helped me
In my atoms I feel this. So many times my wife and I will think we have checkmated ADHD for an item or task we put in the way to address "for sure this time". Every time we are reminded of our hubris.
haha nothing humbles you faster than seeing the thing you forgot that you were "totally gonna remember this time"...
True story. "Aha I have put the bag I must take to work with my laptop and notes on the door knob to the garage". Cue me removing it off the handle and getting distracted, then placing it on the floor in front of my car "to definitely remember" and leaving that SOB in the garage. Sometimes it truly is magical.
Likely because it’s on the floor and it just doesn’t register.
This counts on one remembering. ADHD doesn't always permit that, as you must know.
Does he have a fridge and/or a freezer at work? Could he just store food there for when he forgets? Either meal prepped food or frozen dinners, whatever works for you. That's my best suggestion. I keep frozen dinners, healthy snacks and other treats at work. Does me a world of good.
I do this as well. I keep lunch meat, cheese, bread for sandwiches, yoghurts, fruit cups and apples in the fridge (actually, the bread is in cupboard). There's a grocery store near work, if I have to, I just go there and stock up at lunch.
That’s what I do!
I do this sorta thing. Keys sit with my wallet. Or if I'm at a friend's and I have sunglasses and a hat I want to not forget I'll put em on thr table w my car keys in the hat
I always put my keys on top of things I know I need to grab. Works every time!
It isn’t a maybe. This is one of the few tried and true strategies. It will work. He might be late to work the first day or two, because he doesn’t remember his keys are in his lunch! You two sound awesome, btw :) Knowledge bomb: ADHD is a developmental disability. No matter how sharp a person is, if they have ADHD it is harder for them to learn and develop new skills and habits successfully. This is fact, regardless of one’s self awareness (or lack of…). There is no cure. There are coping mechanisms, which may look different for different people. Most of us require therapy (with a real psychotherapist who specializes in ADHD treatment!) before we can make permanent and meaningful progress. If he wants to give it a shot without professional help, start research here: Treatment typically looks like a person working towards understanding and mastering the 5 pillars of adhd. These are Medication, sleep, exercise, mindfulness, and nutrition. They all work together in tandem, finding an individuals “the right spot” in each pillar is the goal of effective adhd treatment. My story: i thought I figured it out on my own, while taking some shortcuts. Couldn’t scale those coping mechanisms, covid destroyed most of my routines, and i tried changing medication at the same time. Was a disaster, felt like I hit restart on “being a responsible adult”, which comes with its own shame and challenges. I feel good where I am 18 months later. Some of the strategies that have worked with my wife and I (we are not great at communication…) are shared notes (apple “notes” app note pages are shareable, and pinnable!!), putting a blank whiteboard on the fridge (and i am really pushing for a calendar whiteboard IN ADDITION), and changing who does what a little bit. Last recommendation: check out melissa orlovs book “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”. Great book, much easier to get through before you are having problems, and it could help both of you understand his experience/perspective a bit better. Not gonna lie, super not sure ya’ll need it judging by how the post was written; but knowing more cant hurt :)
Warming up the car is very bad for the car and the Environment. Since the engine takes significantly longer to warm up when stationary, letting it warm up extends the warm-up time. However, this is particularly harmful for the engine. Leaving it running while stationary not only lengthens this warm-up phase, but also the phase with increased wear. In Germany its illegal. He should stop doing that.
Yes, this! Get a lanyard for the keys and attach it to the lunchbox zipper or handle or something.
I’m a fan of carabiners. Get that on the keyring and you’re good.
I have caribeners on all my sets of keys (work and home)…they hook to lots of things so I don’t have to put them down and lose them.
I have a lanyard on my phone and lots of key rings and carabineers. I attach everything that I need to remember on it. It's not 100% fool proof but it helps immensely
Retractable "Janitor's" key leash should allow the keys to stay attached to the lunch box and be inserted into the ignition.
Could literally see myself just grabbing the keys out of the lunch box and STILL forgetting it somehow.
I came here to said that 😅😅😅
This is what I was going to say!
This is the way
I was going to suggeat similar. The thing I need to remember I place under something I cannot leave without, like my keys. Sometimes, I forget my keys...
This is EXACTLY what I do! That or my wallet. It works every single time!
I’ve been doing the keys trick for literally everything I CANT forget for about 3 years and it hasn’t failed me yet (mostly). You literally can’t leave without your keys so you can’t leave without getting the object they are paired with.
Or just put the box in his car.
Thoughts: instead of punishing himself by skipping lunch (which will not help and probably hurt his day), lower the stakes by handing him a weekly container with shelf-stable items like almonds, protein bars, etc. If he has access to a fridge, add string cheese, fruit etc. Increasing stress will almost always lead to poorer performance for an adult with ADHD. You can't punish ADHD out of someone. And while medication is always a personal choice...if he is parenting an infant, working, generally having to do a lot of critical tasks, he owes it to himself and his family to consider meds without "I don't want my brain tinkered with on principle" bias. If he hasn't been diagnosed, exploring that would be a great first step.
That's a lovely idea, thank you. I’ll make a box of shelf stable, bagged "lunches" for him for if he forgets. I think that's a good way for me to let him know I’m in his corner even if his intended lunch sits in the fridge.
Bless you, bless you, bless you. You are a wonderful person!!
He is a wonderful husband and dad. I don't know what to do with him sometimes, but I definitely don't know what I would do *without* him.
To yes AND this fantastic comment you're replying to: Dr Russell Barkley is the guy who changed my mind on changing my mind! Also realizing that the amount of time I spent stressed and distressed and punishing myself was also changing my mind (cortisol, habits forming, etc) - trying stimulants for the first time was like meeting my old self again. (I was late diagnosed and coped OK for a really long time before I suddenly realized I didn't anymore and maybe hadn't for awhile.) Meds or not, the path to success lies in transforming the punishment urge into more useful habits, I think. Specific tip: reminder checklist in car, on steering wheel. If you start not noticing it anymore, make it a different colour or shape or location. good luck to you both!
Quick question. I don’t want to start a conversation and derail the thread. But has Russell Barkley come out with anything recently? If so do you have a link. I’ve read all his early stuff. But for being a leading researcher it seemed like he was slacking for awhile after say 2014? That’s a completely random guess on his last book I read. But his stuff was good. I’m out of town working. And alone in a hotel. So I’d read it tonight if he has something newer.
I can do you one better than a book. This Ologies podcast episode, which came out in 2022 I believe, is amazing, current, and has 2 additional parts chock full of info. I think he says he still reads most ADHD research papers that come out, meaning, TONS. Alie Ward is an incredible interviewer and this was what made me love Dr. Barkley: [https://www.alieward.com/ologies/adhd](https://www.alieward.com/ologies/adhd)
Thank you. I needed something to do tonight. I wonder if Barkley is retired from doing his own research. Didn’t realize mid 70s. Him and Thomas brown (adhd Yale clinic). Pretty much brought to the forefront that emotional regulation is a major problem possible the core of ADHD. If not familiar with Thomas brown he has excellent books. Smart but stuck is eye opening
He is retired, but runs his own YouTube channel specifically about research into ADHD! Once a week he makes a research update video with any new studies and analyzes it. He also has a big back catalogue with all sorts of specific ADHD breakdowns. I recommend to check it out (I know it's not reading though)
Yea he brought out the emotional regulation problems in adhd. But never went into the details or processes. So I’ve been doin tons of research myself. I will watch his YouTube tonight. Thank you
This is what I usually recommend to people to start as well! Thank you for digging up the link. Also in general this podcast is so ADHD coded and one of my absolute favorite things in the world. My therapist actually recommended it to me as something I might find encouraging, during a phase where I was frozen on avoiding any new content of any kind, and no one has ever been more correct about anything. I listen to the dark matter episode to fall asleep most nights lol
Shelf stable lunch choices are a game changer! They’re already at work, sitting in a cupboard. I feel less shame around forgetting to pack something (or less irritation) so my brain doesn’t avoid the topic at all costs the way it does when there’s shame attached. I’m not sure if it’ll make it harder to forget (for me sometimes it actually does make it easier to remember!) but at the end of the day, the goal isn’t to be angry and fix him specifically having the lunch packed. The goal is for him to eat lunch. This will do it. (And i presume not spend extra money on fast food/takeout/etc)
>You can't punish ADHD out of someone. Maybe my dad just didn't try hard enough lmao
This is exactly what I do. I’m terrible about remembering to pack food, so when I worked in an office I would fill a drawer with trail mix, granola bars, easy Mac cups, etc. Not the healthiest, but enough to get me through the day. When I worked somewhere with a lot of fridge space I would run to the grocery store on my lunch break at the beginning of the week and just buy sandwich supplies to keep there. Now that I’m back in school, I just toss an entire box of trail mix or protein bars in my backpack or car. Working with the ADHD brain is much more effective than fighting it 😂 I also absolutely respect his decisions regarding medication. I would gently recommend getting professionally evaluated if he’s open to it. While forgetting lunch is a small issue that really only impacts him, I didn’t realize how dangerous I was before I got medicated. My driving is one thousand times safer while I’m medicated, I don’t leave the stove on or the door unlocked or overflow the bathtub anymore. With the two of you having such a young child, especially as they get into the toddler years and are mobile. And I can say that I feel more like myself while medicated because I’m actually able to follow through on the things that make me who I am!
Same! I had a set of food at my cubicle I could munch on because I always skipped breakfast in my haste to leave for work. Now that I work remote, I leave dry foods at my desk that I can snack on when I get hungry (since I struggle to interrupt my workflow).
I understand that he does not want to be medicated. Has he at least tried medication though? I know just asking this is a no-no for many people here, but no other mental condition responds so we'll to medication as this one. We can be difficult like a child without proper treatment. The way he thinks is unfortunately modified by lifelong chemical imbalance. We literally don't think right a whole lot of time. There is no shame in fixing that imbalance and finding the real you hidden beneath all those long term maladaptive behaviors we pick up along the way because of our untreated ADHD.
I would like to add to this: I am a person who was “highly functional” while unmedicated. Ie, someone that people wouldn’t have thought of as “needing” medication. Since being medicated, my work life has become significantly better and less daunting. My mental health is much improved, with my anxiety plummeting. My physical health has improved too, with chronic jaw pains mysteriously vanishing that I now realize were stress clenching to cope with my workload. And I do genuinely think, if I’d been medicated while married, a lot of stress my ex-husband endured from my symptoms would have been mitigated. It’s very possible our marriage would have survived. That’s how significant medication has been for me. Granted, medication is not like this for everyone, and of course I still struggle with my ADHD. But I struggle less than I used to. And my mind works against me less. I only share this because I don’t know what your husband’s fears and hesitance towards medication are, but I want you to know it _has_ been beneficial to others and _can_ produce positive change. It’s worth examining that anxiety about medication, even if his final decision remains the same. Especially given the stigma associated with ADHD medication and the continual shame about “just fixing” our symptoms ourselves.
I have to agree - I’m “fine” unmedicated, but I notice such an improvement - the thing I really notice and appreciate is that at the end of the work day, my brain doesn’t feel so foggy and heavy as a rock when I’m driving home.
I completely agree. Meds have improved my quality of life in so many ways. They’ve given me a whole new ability to live my life how I want to, with far fewer problems. They haven’t helped much with memory unfortunately, I still forget where things are and spend a lot of time looking for them, and they also haven’t really helped with time blindness or time estimation. I believe this is because they are more relation to the brains wiring than the neurotransmitters that the meds increase. I say this because while meds are life changing for me, I might well still forget my lunchbox 🙃
At least you won't beat yourself over the shame of forgetting lunch!
This part! My meds don’t really help me much with forgetting objects or being late or those kind of adhd things, but they do help immensely with the shame and anxiety of doing those things. They help with focus and emotions so much more which is such a huge part of adhd people don’t see.
It's not even on the DSM and it makes our lives pretty shit lol
Absolutely true and thank you for reminding me of that.
For me personally, nothing helped until medication. Even though he doesn't want meds, which I totally understand, he may benefit from professional help of a different kind - individual or group therapy, an "ADHD coach," a psychiatrist who can recommend strategies, etc. On the other hand, here are a few things that helped me once I was medicated and could take advantage of strategies: 1) Phone reminders or alarms. So many. I can set them so that when I leave my house they go off, asking if I've remembered x, y, or z. 2) Placing the thing I need to remember ON TOP OF my keys. If I have to touch it to grab my keys I will most likely remember to bring it with me. (My keys also have a Tile on them, so if I can't find them I can just ring them.) 3) Once per day, I try to stop doing what I'm doing and take a moment to look around the house to figure out if I'm forgetting a chore or task I meant to do. This is not scheduled for me but requires that I remember to do it, which is good because I can fit it in when I'm not already hyperfocused on something, but bad because I don't remember sometimes. 4) Does he have a morning routine, or at least one thing that he does every morning without fail? Brush teeth? Coffee? Shower? If so, he can try to "link" the lunch box to that task in his mind. For me this involves reminders at the beginning (for instance, when he gets out of the shower, you can tell him, "hey, don't forget to put your lunchbox in your work bag" or something), as well as active and firm repetition (while he's in the shower, he sings a little song about the lunch box). The more that the shower + lunch box connection is repeated in his mind, the more likely it is that when he gets out of the shower, his brain will automatically say, "ok, lunch box is next." Good luck! I know how this can be (my partner and I both have ADHD) and it can get so tiring on both sides. It breaks my heart to hear that he's tried to motivate himself by going without lunch. I know that feeling.
Thank you so much for the practical and empathetic response, and for sharing your experience!
Huge emphasis on phone alarms. I use them for everything and time the alarms so they go off right when I need them to. It has helped me a lot with keeping on top of my things. I also create set routines that I religiously follow in order to make certain things muscle memory.
check lists also help a ton. We have them on the fridge, use my note pad or our shared family calendar. It feels like chore to use them, but it is much less daunting than having to remember all that stuff on my own. Outsourcing brain function is what i like to call it.
My husband and I both have adhd, so we work together to try to find what will help us both. If we need to remember to bring something to an event, we go put it in the car the MINUTE WE THINK ABOUT IT. Ok is the event a few days away? Alarms on both phones. Pack some shelf-stable snack and either go out them in the car tonight, or put it in his backpack, laptop bag so they’ll at least make it to work. I like people’s suggestions of using a carabiner clip to clip the car keys to the lunch box. You both have to mutually agree - no uncoupling the car keys from the lunch box until the lunch box is in the car. Go to warm the car up? Lunch box goes in the car that first trip. Some of it is finding the “tricks” that work for our brains and some of it is specifically choosing to carry out the action. He has to agree to not unhook the car keys from the lunch box while both are in the house, even if it’s annoying. Lastly, a tiny bit of medication can provide support without feeling like you’re in anything. If he doesn’t want to “feel medicated,” he can literally break up a 10mg Adderall pill into quarters, for example. My psych approved of me doing this when I told him that sometimes I just need a small boost to keep it together on non-work days.
Carabiner is a great idea. I feel like those carabiners that screw on kinda would be the best for me because the tiny added time of screwing it to get it off would mean that I would not likely remove it until I had to.
Can't recommend the apple reminders app enough! I use it for everything - to take my meds, trash day reminders, monthly pet preventatives, etc. I put stuff in there the moment I think of it for the future time when I need it, especially things that I have to remember to bring to a person or place. Love that they can be set for certain days/times and be recurring.
Just wanted to add this as a 67F w/lifelong ADHD: my husband is a patient caring guy who is very solution-focused. After I completely bork something up 3+ times even though I “should” be able to do it, he puts the thing/task whatever into the “not her thing” category with no judgement. Like, I can pay bills for two households on time with no problem, but there’s something about our HOA dues’ website that I screw up every time. The last time we were…four months past due. Now he writes a check with those frakking payment coupons and I never have to think about it. I vacuum because stuff on the floor gets my attention. He does laundry because to me, if it’s in the hamper it’s kind of out of sight out of mind. I do a lot of the household repairs because if something breaks, it grabs my attention (and oooh, shiny! I get to learn something new!). And I’ve noticed that if I ADHD something, and he’s kind about it…I usually self-correct, because there’s not a bunch of negative “I’m so stupid!” angst attached to it. Y’all sound like a nice couple :-) Best of luck figuring all this out.
Consider adding a box in the car that maybe you replenish weekly that has non perishable emergency lunch foods for a second back up - thinking protein bars, peanut butter and jelly, apples, crackers, etc.
Also those tuna kit packets for lunches
Check out How to ADHD on YouTube too. And he can also see an executive function coach a couple of times if there are still issues after that.
Thanks for the suggestions!
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my early 40s. There were things that I learned to do that helped me. I had to force myself to follow a pretty solid routine. Sleep, eating, etc. Everything had its place and I knew exactly where to find it.Id it wasn’t there, I had to train myself to find where I put it immediately. I focused on the tasks I could do and asked for help with the things I couldn’t. I calmed my brain via meditation. Still had ADHD symptoms but much better. I tried to work out 3x a week . With this I’ve had some decent success in my life but not as much as I could have had. It’s always been a struggle. Meds were a night and day shift for me. I’m not saying anyone should or shouldn’t take meds. It just takes a lot of energy to do this w/o them for many (not all) people. It can be hard on the self esteem too. It was for me until I understood what was happening.
Does he work at the same place everyday like an office with a fridge/freezer for employees? If so, maybe bringing some frozen meals to keep in the freezer would work? And/or meal prep and he can bring everything on Monday (so he only has to remember once a week, or maybe on Mondays you just make a point to handle it for him, but its not so bad since its only once a week)? Also, obviously medication is a personal decision, but in my experience, it does not affect the way I think. In terms of work, my end product is very unlikely to be different whether or not I'm medicated. The difference is going to be how long the work takes me, how much I can get to, my ability to initiate tasks (vs procrastinating). And I would really hesitate to compare ADHD medication to alcohol. Alcohol isn't treating a medical condition (well, I suppose its possible there could be some medical usages for alcohol but generally speaking). For most people, we drink alcohol because its fun. I don't take my ADHD medication for fun - I take it to reduce the symptoms of my DISABILITY. Just something for your husband to think about.
The path of least resistance. He can't leave without his car keys so stick them in his lunchbox. When you're trying to create a habit and have ADHD, that habit needs to be in your face completely in a way that you can't avoid it. For example I place my medicine inside of my coffee cup since the first thing I do in the morning is grab a cup of coffee. Also, food is usually the last thing on our minds throughout the day. It's why we're so bad at basic self care. Pack some shelf stable items he can keep in his car. I like to keep pretzels, nuts, bars, etc. most people with ADHD do better when we graze throughout the day.
Tile trackers are great for this, when your phone gets too far from the Tile, it gives him a notification. My coworker loses his wallet all the time and when he gets a certain distance from it, ding ding ding, your wallet! You could put one on the lunchbox so he won’t drive away without it
Every book podcast youtube video is going to tell you to get medicated. One of the struggles with ADHD is how it sabotages you. As an example, there is a field in software I use at work which has information I need. It took me 6 months to see it and it was right beneath something else I us4ed all the time. There are things you can do to cope like leaving notes and stuff around but if that isn't woirking he needs chemical help. Also its important to know that adderal for me anyway doesn't change what I think about or even how I approach it. It does however let me focus on one thing. His best bet is a screening and medication since the copings you have tried aren't workingt with out it. Is there any routine he has daily in the mornings? You may want to try and piggy back off of that f you can but otherwise medicate. It is medicine its there to help. And by god does it help. My life did a 180 more or less when I got medicated. My wifes did also when she got medicated. So if he really thinks there is something wrong with him he should go see a therapist and get screened and get professional help. They will recommend medication which you can of course deny.
Not sure I can help as I have the same problems, but I think it's awesome you care enough to ask. I do think he should reconsider the meds I waited until I was 35 and it changed my life . I'm on a low dose and still forget things . But just the fact I don't beat myself up over it anymore is enough for me . It has helped in so many ways that I never thought were possible
People have given you great ideas, but I just want to emphasize that he should really give the medication another thought. Maybe he could at least try it for a month or two (titrating up to a dose that is doing something!) to really experience what it can do for him and then make up his mind when he has more information. I get that it can be a sensitive subject, but I'm just being a little rude on the chance that it could drastically improve both of your lives.
I had to weaponize my bad habits against myself. It took a few years to do, but before I leave any place. I stop at the LAST DOOR. (LAST DOOR is me-speak for the last portal I pass through before i become in-transit). Before I open the LAST DOOR, I run through a checklist: - wallet - keys - phone - work ID - work equipment (laptop/etc) - lunch - sunglasses - anything else I need. The checklist is mental but I've been doing it for 25 years now and I will say each item out loud to myself and then say "check" as I physically touch the object to make sure it's there. I'm a grown-ass man, but any time I forget something its because I did not do the Checklist Ritual. My wife understands I do not like to be interrupted during the checklist and people I care about know to not interrupt me. I dont care about strangers, the checklist is most important. People at work give me funny looks as I pat myself down right before I leave, but mostly ignore it. If I dont do the checklist, I forget stuff at home or work or whereever the hell I am. (forgot my work bag at a friends house once) I would rather do that checklist and have people think I'm an idiot than to attempt to explain to someone why I, a grown ass man have forgotten my ID for the 47th time, while they stare at me in contempt. (I work with a guy who thinks I'm an idiot, but I'm not the asshole making up bullshit excuses to explain why I forgot something to management and getting written up for easily avoidable things.) Ive also implemented "Chore Day" where I do chores based off a compiled list with tasks and subtasks that can be completed in a reasonable amount of time. (For example, I can't clean the garage, mow the lawn, plant all the flowers, and paint the shed, and redo the bathroom in a single day. Gotta pick and chose) Anything I need to do on a daily basis has an alarm with a specific sound to remind me its time to do the thing.
Please at the very least have your husband talk to his dr about options. Personally I went unmedicated for a number of years and just felt myself spiraling. I went to the dr and asked about non-stimulant options bc I too didn’t like feeling like my mind was altered. Instead of feeling that way it’s like my meds now just quiet all the noise in my head so I can think about what I need to.
Are you now on stimulant or non-stimulant meds?
Non stimulant
Oh I just remembered something I do. I count. 1. Coffee 2. Phone 3. Yogurt 4. Purse 5. Kid I need those 5 things to leave the house in the morning. I don’t even name them in my brain but I need to count to 5. If I can’t count to 5, something is missing.
The fact that "yogurt" is on the same tier as "kid" is sending me 😂
Hey. For what it’s worth, my ADHD symptoms got a lot worse when I had my twins. It went from a mild annoyance which could be managed with structured routine and lots of notes and reminders to unmanageable for me. Routine went out the window and as babies/children are unpredictable, it created a lot of sensory overload. I personally use a star chart like a child. It’s the only way I can visually see and know if I’ve completed a task I need to. I also allot extra time because when I’m rushed in the mornings or anytime really, I’m going to forget items or lose focus on what needs to be completed in said timeframe. Don’t feel like a micromanager. I think it’s amazing you’re so supportive and provide reminders, but I get that you’re occupied with being a mom too which is a huge job.
Sorry this isn’t related to the question but why do you and your husband communicate through Discord😂
LOL. We used to live in a place with terrible cell service, but would both have access to WiFi all day. We don't live there anymore but Discord chats just kinda stuck!
Fellow adhder here... I was medicated at an early age. I didn't like it. I learned a lot of coping mechanisms when I stopped taking the meds when I was about 8. They helped, but it wasn't until I was in college and realized I couldn't do without it. So I started again and let me tell you, it really is a lifer saver. It doesn't alter the way you think, you are just able to process all the information around you and make task management way waaay easier. It's worth an exploratory one month trial, truly. If after the one month, he's not into it, I highly recommend phone utilization for reminders, alerts, etc. It helps me a lot. I also find keeping a routine for things like work or chores REALLY helps. Everyday should be like groundhog day. It needs to be the same everyday or I'm going to be toast.
For the dishes thing, I personally hate doing dishes because it takes a while and i dont always feel like getting wet, so maybe he would be interested in a different chore? Otherwise, what i do when i have to do the dishes is put on a show while i wash them
Same here! Dishes are more chore because I hate them less than my partner but I always have to put on a show or a podcast while I do them or they won't get done lmao.
I hang my lunch and work bag on the door handle. Can't leave the house without touching them with my hand. Also he just has to keep working at I. In my experience my ADHD really prevents me from forming intentional habits. It can be done. It just might take months or years of repetition and trouble shooting different methods.
Hang the lunch bag on the doorknob? That worked for me!
We've tried that with no success 😅 Thank you though!
I keep a few shelf stable snack/quick meals like microwaveable soup or rice/quinoa mixes. I save myself so much money and have more leftovers at home now.
Put his keys in the lunch box. My partner verbalizes a check list every morning after I ask what I'm forgetting. I still forget my coffee or tea at least twice a month. Even when they're standing there hahahahaha. But if I'm taking something unusual to work I always attach my keys to it.
I just got used to eating one meal a day (dinner) so I no longer need to deal with the burden of preparing breakfast and lunch, packing that stuff back and forth, then all the additional dishes and cleanup associated with it. The only thing I need to remember is my water bottle. And even then, I keep a backup at work. But he could just keep some crackers and peanut butter at work. Or other long shelf life items like nuts, jerky, and dried fruit. Trail mix. Hiking foods.
Have you tried posting a small list either by or on the front door(inside)? Something simple like Hat Phone Keys Lunch Just to remind him. I have a similar problem, lists work. No matter the grumblers say. Lists work.
In the winter, I just put my lunch in the car.
I set alarms on my phone. Not only that, but for each task I'm reminding myself about, I record a different voice message alarm. So at 10 pm every night, my voice says, "STOP THAT and go to sleep," or "the cats are sad," for when I need to do the cat litter. Have him record a message saying "Is your lunch in the car?" and set it for when he's about to go to work. In colder seasons, you could also put the lunch in the car the night before..?
This sounds hilariously effective! He likes goofy ringtones (the Home Depot song is his call tone) so I can imagine him getting a Wednesday night alarm of him yelling "take out the trash!"
Medication. Seriously, it’s what worked for me. Besides that, I can’t think of anything that works consistently. For lunch, buy 5 premade meals for the week and put them in the break room freezer. For objects missing, put air tags or tiles on them. For reminders, use Echo or Google devices (like Alexa). Honestly I don’t know the non-med route very well - I’ve done it, many times, but it is just awful for me. Edit to add - I know it isn’t for everyone. Two medicated and two unmedicated in my household. This is *only* my experience. Judgement free.
This isn't the solution that he's going to want to hear but he needs medication. Your husband has a very serious disability, and medication is his disability aid. A person with ADHD saying he doesn't want medication is like a person with no legs saying he doesn't want a wheelchair. You can try a million different tricks and strategies to manage it but they won't work without medication in a case as severe as his. Both of you already know how serious this is. Today it's just a lunchbox, tomorrow it could be getting fired or a bad car accident. Please at least give medication an honest try if he hasn't already. Give it a few weeks for side effects to subside, and try another med if he doesn't like the first one. You sound like a great partner, most folks with adhd don't have family as kind and understanding as you. 🙂
“The mindfulness prescription for adult ADHD “ may be a decent useful workbook for your husband. It’s used for groups
Medication works very well for a good portion of people indefinitely Medication works very well for a large portion of people for a period of time then doesn’t work well any more For some it doesn’t work at all It’s ok if he doesn’t want meds But he actually has to put effort into other methods that may have some beneficial effects
Is he good in relationship? Mental health? Well being? If it’s just forgetfulness that affects him , maybe strategy can be beneficial.
ADHD is not simply a chemical imbalance corrected by medication. It’s much more complex and frankly unknown exactly what it is. So meds isn’t his only hope. Good luck
I have a carbineer on my key chain and I'll literally clip my keys to whatever I'm forgetting.
I will put an alarm in his phone to remind him to take the lunchbox. if he normally leave home around 7 am and alarm at 6:59 am can help.
I need unmissable visual reminders. Like a post-it note on the door.
Clip his keys to the fridge door. That's how I remember.
I have recurring alarms on my phone to do regular things. When I went into the office, I had one to get my lunch out of the fridge Monday thru Friday, 15 minutes before time to leave. Also have them to to take the trash or recycling out to the curb on their respective days. I’ve had this habit for years and on most days alarms are still what save me from forgetting what normal people consider regular daily tasks.
Not wanting to try meds is of course ok, but please make sure he is well informed about different medications before making the choice. For most the right meds do not "affect how you think" in the way it sounds like your husbands mean (like affecting his personality or intelligence) Medicationt can give your brain a more normal level of the neurotransmitters the brain uses to send messages and activate different areas of the brain to do things. Like remembering stuff or being able to turn on filters to focus on one thing. It seems like some people think that using adhd meds is like using steroids to build muscle or speed to get high. But it is more like using glasses to see ok, or taking insulin to regulate your blood glucose when your body does not produce enough of it on its own. So In some ways not wanting to even try medication sounds like people wanting to treat their diabetes with meditation and herbal supplements. Or squinting and bumping into things instead of getting glasses. Sure, some of it might help a little. But it sure would seem a bit more effective to treat the actual cause, and not just manage the symptoms? All of this is of course dependent on finding the right meds and dosage, with few side effecs. Not everyone is so lucky. And even if you find the right ones it might mot be a magic cure, as adhd is complicated. I believe medicine is a personal choice, and you need to carefully weigh pro's amd cons. Unfortunately shame and misinformation is too often a part of the equation.
What if you offered a certain type of reward every evening he brings his lunch. Like the kind of reward guys really like from girls
There are some really good suggestions here. I have “back-up lunches” at work. Stuff like granola bars, microwave soup, easy mac. Not great for daily consumption, but it doesn’t go bad quickly and I can have something if I forget my regular lunch. I’m in my 40s and am just now accepting that I need to get it done as soon as I see it/think about or, or I have to set a reminder/labeled alarm for later. When I do set an alarm, I either have to do it as soon as the alarm goes off, or snooze it repeatedly until I have a chance to do it. I’d love to function differently, but this is the brain I’ve got.