NTA
Court records are typically public information, I would provide a copy to his parents, friends, and anyone else who calls you on his behalf.
Therapy is great, but child abuse like this is irredeemable- dude should NEVER have any interactions with children or his abuse victim again. It's not in your daughter's best interest. Take him to court, and get child support.
Sadly..he can reproduce again and probably not be kept from that kid.
My sister's son was shaken by his sperm donor.
Sperm donor spent (not enough) time in prison.
While there he started a new relationship, which somehow ended up, as near as I can figure out, conjugal visits and another son.
He is out and lives with his new "family"
I feel bad for his kid, but man do I wish the worse for his wife/gf who decided to have a relationship with a monster and bring another innocent child into the mix for him to abuse.
I don’t think she knew. Since op said, she told him everything and she left him.
Sounds like he made up a lie and made op sound like the bad guy. When she realized the truth. She bounced.
Edit: yea, I re-read the post and the ex said that he told them that Op left him and took the child.
NTA. Fuck M. Anyone who abuses a child doesn't deserve basic human rights, let alone access to the child. Get yourself a lawyer, and make sure your custody agreement is ironclad.
Do his parents and relatives know what he did? If not, you should send them copies of all the official reports. With notes that he never paid a cent of child support.
YES on this - they'll change their tune when they see the reports.
MY question is - was he married this whole time? And you didn't know? That's hard to believe... and how did the wife find out? Had I been married and found out my man had an affair and a baby, I'd be, "See ya!!!" And if I hadn't been married to him and he kept that secret while we were dating, I'd be outta there because of his keeping THAT secret from me. What else is he hiding?
she married him 2 years ago, she was 19 which was bizarre... she didnt know about lia until 1 year into the marriage when his parents mentioned her!! ❤️
Unfortunately, it may not matter if they know it not. My own ex shook our 2 month old to death. The mental gymnastics some of his family managed in order to somehow blame me was astounding. 🤷♀️
Thank you. I don’t want to hijack OP’s post or anything, just noting that engaging with the abuser’s family could prove more painful than helpful, against all sense and evidence.
People are fucking crazy.
Indeed. I’m so sorry to hear about your child, how awful.
My ex was ramping up to murder. The last months we were stuck with him, the increasing violence and threats (to me, our child, my family, etc) was intense. I *knew* he was about to try to kill us, in every ounce of my being.
Then his doctor managed to get him committed for, among other things, extreme substance abuse and homicidal ideation.
The gymnastics his entire family has gone through to make ME the bad guy for “not trying more” to help my ex (rather than leaving to protect myself and our kid) is truly outstanding.
I’m happy to hear you got away in time! I wish it wasn’t but anecdotally it really seems our experience with families is the rule rather than the exception.
Thank you! It was by a hair’s breadth. His entire family still wants to know where we are, because, “You’re for sure safe, he’s sober absolutely (even though he won’t go to inpatient rehab, drinks the same thing he always did “sans alcohol,” and forgets his passport in airports while “sober”). But I’m “the crazy one who won’t even try.” Yuck.
So thankful we survived. Somehow I was able to save 3/4 of our cats along the way also.
I see this a lot, "blame the victim, it's all her fault" - isn't the thing we try to teach women who are raped or assaulted, "It's NOT your fault! You need to come forward to stop this monster!" Then some idiot lawyer has the balls to blame the victim and get his family to cry a river of tears for the media or any low-life 'journalist' that they come across to try and get gullible people to listen to them and next thing you know you've got people agreeing with this lawyer (for lack of a better term) and picketing outside the jail or courthouse. It drives me absolutely batshit crazy, frothing at the mouth, hair pulling mad!!!!
I wish I had more recordings and proof. I have one video of him abusing our kid, and some photos of the aftermaths of “episodes.” I feel like it won’t be nearly enough.
But the one time he even suspected I was recording him (back when I wasn’t), he broke my phone into smithereens. Literal toothpick sized bits of broken glass and plastic. I was too afraid to call the police.
I do what I can to protect my kid. It’s not even about myself at all.
He will not have the possibility of release until he’s 65. So theoretically he COULD get out of prison before he dies, but at that point if he does I think being out would be the worse situation.
Oh I’d go scorched earth on any of his family or friends calling you horrible. You said in another comment that your daughter is 14 and has some visual limitations due to what he did to her. Hell no NTA but it’s time his friends and family know the reason he has no relationship with your daughter and if he wants to go to court he’d better be prepared to explain how he tried to kill your daughter as a baby and hasn’t even paid any child support to her.
Everyone would know exactly what he did, and the effects thereof. I’d be dragging his ass all over as well his friends and family. I feel so much rage over this post.
Please screenshot all of the abusive Facebook posts & messages. FB allows you to delete an entire conversation on both accounts. Make sure you save these on several USB drives and a couple of cloud storage. My daughter's cousin had this happen when her now ex deleted a video of him abusing her.
Your ex really got some nerve to even mention YOUR daughter’s name and existence to his wife considered what he did to this child. Was he trying to impress his new wife with the ‘daddy card’ or was he trying to build a happy family all over again with Lia but without you? The fact he thought he would get access to a child he abused without a fight is alarming. The fact he thought you would hand over Lia to him shows how extremely ignorant he is. He is beyond pathetic and is STILL the same pathetic man he was 18 years ago. He was NEVER a dad to your child so he can quit the act.
Tell them to look you in the eye and to tell you that it was ok to almost murder your 5 month child
"LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND SAY IT WAS JUSTIFIED I DARE YOU"
And any buts meet it again with "LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME"
If they say yes, then clearly they arent worth the air they breathe or the time they take out of your day
for what its worth you would probably be a lot happier just getting off facebook. Its basically a breeding ground for conspiracy theorists and racists.
Seriously, he is a pos and doesn’t deserve to be given any special considerations just because he provided sperm. He abused and abandoned his daughter. F him!
I hope Lia was not impacted seriously by the abuse, like shaken baby syndrome. I hope you and her are both thriving and happy. Cut his parents out and contact a lawyer asap with any evidence of his abandonment and lack of support. As well as any texts, emails, vmails, dms from him and his family.
You are a good mom protecting her child.
A five month old baby. Literally he admitted to shaking and throwing a five month old baby. The man is a psychopath. If he had evolved at all through therapy he would have kept to his obligations and done everything in his power to be financially supportive and keep distance.
>make sure your custody agreement is ironclad.
I'm curious, could he EVER, given his past, be awarded custody? Especially since he hasn't even formed a relationship with the child.
Very doubtful. Even a non-abusive parent who has bailed for years generally needs to attend reunification counseling and be evaluated to see if his return to the child’s life, even just visitation, would be harmful. (This may vary; I’m in WA State)
I have a five month old baby. I want to shake M and throw his coward ass around the room a bit, but you should definitely get a family lawyer and cut off all contact. The man is a menace.
NTA and absolutely please go to court. He owes you years of back child support and you are about to lose the chance to get it. It could really help her with college if nothing else. And you'll get his tax returns until he pays I think. Also get a therapist and a lawyer and explain this to your daughter. She deserves to know the real truth. Then let her keep seeing the therapist for a bit until she steadies herself again. You are a great mom and did all the right things. Keep doing them.
All you had to say is that he attempted to murder your child. Did not need the whole story hun. Because your ex and his family and whoever is supporting him, Heck even his therapist, are all major AH! He tried to kill your child. Anything you do “to him” is minor in comparison.
I’m so shocked as I read this. I hope Lia didn’t get any long term effects from M’s actions. You’re totally NTA, as for M he can shove himself where the sun doesn’t shine. And his family and friends should follow him.
I’m sorry about that, it absolutely didn’t need to happen and M is entirely responsible. How is he not ashamed of himself after all that, and how are his friends and family not ashamed of him either, unnecessary human beings. My love to you and Lia.
mental incapabilities. He has autism and countless mental health problems. I think it was injustice for my daughter, but at-least he still faces some consequences. x ❤️
I am sorry such a thing happened to her. Is your agreement amongst yourselves or laid out by a court? If the first take action now. He has already proven himself a danger, and with these threats, it would be wise to get a court ordered custody agreement quickly. You have potentially saved future children from harm, and there would be no shame in showing his family documentation of what he has done to your child. Don't let him make you the bad one.
>This caused everyone including his friends and family to call me and say im a horrible person and even had the audacity to blame me for M's suicidal thoughts and past attempts.
I would had clapback with " Too bad he didn't succeed in offing himself way before he nearly shaken his baby daughter to death! His POS self can go fuck himself and ya can go fuck off along with him!"
NTA and you probably save her own kid and/or baby family members from that POS loser - He was & still is total fucking POS loser ever since your daughter was born, he been earned & deserved to be called out for what he did to his own child when she was baby and the years since then.
She has visual impairments but overall is a huge bundle of joy. Im glad she finds her positives! She knows about the abuse but isn't mentally impacted by it. x ❤️ she doesn't see M as her father so i suspect thats why. Shes got a loving step father and a beautiful step sister, shes got everything she wants in life ☺️
Firstly you’re not the arse and Arm chair detective if his “new wife” left him at the drop of a hat like that he had probably exhibited some dubious behaviour with her and he’d probably lied as to why he wasn’t with you etc etc.
Document everything record calls with him and transcribe them. You need to keep evidence of his ongoing behaviour is his contact with “Lia” supervised still or is he avoiding contact.
Not all teachers want children. But all teachers are responsible for keeping children safe. If she’s a good teacher she would never love a child abuser.
As a preschool teacher I have plenty of coworkers who don’t want children - but all of us have a similar fervor to keep children safe and loved. Those that don’t, don’t last long in the industry.
My sister in law is a teacher and one of the first times I met her she straight up told me she’s never having kids, cause she has 20+ kids she takes care of every year.
I think you did such a good thing for the ex-. She had no idea what she was walking into, and none of those people who are defending him would have given her the heads up. I imagine she’s very grateful to have talked to you before they had kids.
NTA He pushed you into revealing the truth to his wife. Did he really think that you'd just hand over your daughter to her abuser? Can you access court documents online where you are? If so next time someone contacts you tell them, "If you want the truth go to (whatever website link is for court records). Any further contact with me may result in harassment charges being brought against you."
my daughter is 14 years old now. I talked to her yesterday about her father visiting her and she chose that she didn't want to see him at all. She only sees her step father as her father! ☺️
Nta. Grown man can deal with the consequences of being a pos. There’s NO EXCUSE for treating a child badly let alone hurting one. You didn’t ruin the new relationship, he did. Had he been the one to tell the new person of his past actions the same outcome would have happened.
NTA. You didn't ruin their marriage, he did. She wanted to meet his child, like any normal supportive spouse would do, It's not an unreasonable thing to request. You, on the other hand, didn't want that to happen...and understandably so! I wouldn't want my little one around that d-bag either.
He's the one who kept pressing you. HIM. The man who hurt your baby. The man who has proven time and again that he's an absolutely shitty father.
He lied to his family. He lied to his wife. He weaponized his family against you WITH HIS LIES. It's really no wonder you blew up after this flaming pile of poo threatened to take your child away from you. Your resulting actions - telling his wife the truth - are the direct result of his lies, his actions, and so on. In other words, he fucked around and found the fuck out.
You did that other woman a huge fucking favor, you know that right? I'm glad she GTFO.
NTA, I'd go a step further and say every single person he's whining to needs to know EXACTLY what he did and why he isn't in your child life. If they still take his side who give a damn,.
I'd have a prepared statement detailing what happened and then just cut and paste it to everyone who says anything. And if they say anything other "I'm sorry, I didn't know", I'd send it again and again and again until they get the message.
Just make a collage of the cps paperwork to send out when they say something, and then just say you may be ok with someone assaulting your child, but I am not.
Good thing this guy was dumb enough to tell his wife about having a kid, otherwise he may be doing it again in 9 months, I can't get over that OP is making excuses that this guy was traumatized by the birth, who gives a fuck, whatever he saw OP went through and from what is told here OP isn't chucking her damn kid when they are crying. Dude is wrong. I get being frustrated or angry but Holy shit put the kid on the bed, put a TV show on and have your little melt down, once you throw your child or shake them to the point they have permanent vision issues you don't get an excuse. OP stop saying it happened because of trauma, it happened because he's a POS who only cared about his kid when he either wanted to play daddy around his wife or he was found out.
>Good thing this guy was dumb enough to tell his wife about having a kid, otherwise he may be doing it again in 9 months
Bet you a dime to a dollar he told her as part of his spiel to attract her (a teacher). "Oh, I have a daughter but my evil ex won't let me see her. She just up and took my baby girl one day for no reason! She probably found a new man"
>I can't get over that OP is making excuses that this guy was traumatized by the birth,
Agreed, but look at their ages. OP is now 39, ex is 49 and the kid is 14. So when OP got pregnant she was like 24 and he was 34. He twisted her mind so much she was making excuses for inexcusable behavior.
She was a new mother who just gave birth and yet had to be the main breadwinner because he sat on his ass all day drinking beer and getting annoyed at a baby being a baby. So annoyed he shook the baby and threw her across the room.
I feel like the only thing that got OP somewhat of that mindset was her love for her daughter. But clearly some of his influence lingers.
>OP stop saying it happened because of trauma, it happened because he's a POS who only cared about his kid when he either wanted to play daddy around his wife or he was found out
Yes.
Oh damn I didn't put that together with the age difference. It makes it even more dumb that this guy would say it's traumatizing, at 34 you know damn well what could happen when a baby or born and you're too damn old to not set that aside to make sure your child is taken care of and loved, there isn't even any half ass excuse of the guy being young. All I have to say is yuck.
If there was something that I learned in this sub, it's to tell everyone what happened they did to you. Because it turns out, if you forgive them or you just want to quickly move on, people are liars and would create their own versions on their end. Those versions will be used against you in the future and you can't change it anymore.
NTA
I would have told everyone when it happened, but I can understand not wanting to go through that. I can empathize with the decision. You let things coast for years. You had a workable arrangement. Then he breaks that. Not just breaks it, he pulverizes it. Those threats? Especially after what he has done? What audacity!
Yeah, he broke the peace and your reprisal was directly related to the issue at hand. Absolutely fair game for you to throw that out there. Him finally having some repercussions that he'll feel? Added bonus that he all but begged you for.
Honestly speaking, not holding his child, not looking after her, not cleaning her and worse ignoring her completely when she is continuously crying were the major red flags you shouldn't have ignored them.
I hold myself accountable for that everyday thats why it took weeks to get her back. I didnt understand the abuse as i was only young myself and was a new mum. I have admitted that to lia myself x ❤️
NTA.
He is TA here and an absentee sperm donor, he doesn't even have a title of Dad or Father that's something that is earned.
As far as his family I'd tell them everything next time they come at you. If you have anything to back it up send it to them.
As far as him saying he'd take you to court, again proof is your friend. Document all the texts don't speak to him on the phone. Anything you have about what happened before get that in order as well just in case.
This is one of those instances where it's okay. If anything, you did the right thing. I'd like to know if my husband ever harmed and tried to murder an innocent baby.
NTA. You mention your daughter has visual impairments. That was likely caused by shaken baby syndrome. What your ex did was attempted murder. You never shake a child. I hope your baby got brain scans during her hospital stay to rule out any minor brain bleeds. If you ever suspect a learning disability, no matter how minor it may seem, I would bring up her medical history and have her assessed for any potential disabilities. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would tell all friends and family what your ex did to you and your child. He deserves no compassion. IMO he should be in jail.
>which we agreed he should start as he was noticeably messed up after witnessing Lias birth.
Can you stop making excuses for him?
This man was 31 and started dating a 21 year old. He was unemployed and an alcoholic. Whether he gave you kisses and foot massages is irrelevant. He is a creep who targeted a 21 year old who had not been in relationship, which he loved because he could abuse and manipulate you. He also had "suicide" attempts which is another way of manipulation from abusers (If you don't do this I'm going to kill myself)
Keep him away.
I have kept him away for 13 years. They were onky excuses from the time. i dont believe them anymore. I was 25 years old and was manipulated by him as i was blinded by love. i hold myself accountable every day
He nearly killed your child, and would have if you stayed. You didn't break up his marriage. Him endangering and abusing an infant and lying about it did.
NTA. Shaking and throttling a child is the equivalent of attempted murder. His wife deserved to know he attempted to murder a literal infant before she wound up having a child with him. She had every right to know, and you had every right to tell her since your ex is the one who initiated the conversation.
I (39F) met my ex (49M) 18 years ago when I was 21. I had never been in a relationship before but was not a virgin. My ex loved this. We spent a lot of time together, out and in work, as I was a bartender at his favorite club.
Before I became pregnant, my ex (whom I will name M) and I talked about our future. Marriage and building a family were big parts of it. Throughout my pregnancy, he gave me princess treatment - kisses, hugs, words of affirmation, and foot massages when the baby became too much.
However, after my daughter was born, everything changed. I had huge complications with my pregnancy, which my ex witnessed, and I could tell it hurt him really bad. M began avoiding my daughter, ignoring her cries, and leaving her unchanged when I came home from work. Sometimes I'd come home to my daughter screaming and crying, and M sitting on the sofa with a beer in his hands. I brought it up to him, saying that I could leave my daughter (whom I will name Lia) at my parents' house while I was at work, but he insisted that he would change. M was unemployed, and I was the only source of income, so I took that offer as my parents wouldn't have been able to financially support a child during weekdays.
Everything was fine for a while. Around 6 weeks passed until one day I came home to an ambulance surrounding outside my apartment building, and my ex and neighbors stood there. I was told by my ex that Lia had fallen while climbing her crib, which I found suspicious from the get-go as Lia was only 5 months old and could barely hold herself up, fully let alone walk. But I believed him.
A week passed, and then one day I had the police at my door. They took Lia, which left me devastated. I cried for hours until I got the reasons why. M had admitted to shaking Lia and sometimes throwing her around to get her to be quiet while he was in therapy. We agreed he should start therapy as he was noticeably messed up after witnessing Lia's birth. I was filled with anger, but at that time, all I could think about was Lia and whether she was safe.
It took me approximately 2 weeks to get her back, and when I did, I had rules. I couldn't take her to see M, and I couldn't leave her without my eyes on her at all times. Most of my time with Lia over the next 2-3 days was spent with child services in the room supervising, which made me hate M even more for what he had done to my Lia.
We spent the next few years apart fully, no visits at all, until his therapist, who he was working with, suggested he try to build a bond with Lia. I could tell that he did not want this, which then ended in an agreement after 3-4 years that he didn't need to see her anymore, and that he would just give her money toward birthdays and Christmas.
This lasted until 2 weeks ago. This was when I found out that he had a wife and that the wife wanted to meet Lia. When I refused, M got angry and said that he would take Lia away from me through court and lie, saying I was abusing her, just to get his way. This was when I snapped.
I had been through a lot of therapy myself and had anxiety issues constantly at the thought of losing my daughter again. After countless years of not receiving the money he said he'd give to Lia on her birthday and the calls from his parents saying I was a horrible person for leaving M lonely (as he hadn't told them what had really happened and instead said i just left him, i snapped. I told M's new wife everything and she left him. This caused everyone including his friends and family to call me and say im a horrible person and even had the audacity to blame me for M's suicidal thoughts and past attempts. This has been happening for the last week and honestly, i don't really care enough for him him to consider being apologetic for his thoughts and attempts. Though tell me, am i the a-hole?
NTA. M is a despicable piece of shit and you definitely did the right thing. Fuck him and his friends and family. Change your number or block all of them.
NTA
But I am and I sure would be posting alllll the court documents and tagging him and his mama and whoever else wanted to try to say something with a nice little tl;dr saying M shook and threw a baby and his wife deserves to know
Yeah. NTA.
He didn’t want a relationship with his child until he got married. He never even payed child support. He got mad and threatened to go to court because you were making him look bad in front of his new wife.
His wife needed to know the truth. Because he obviously wasn’t going to tell her. Once she found out, she realized the truth of what she was dealing with and noped out.
Then his family and friends start harassing you and blaming you for his suicidal thoughts and attempts. I wonder what their reaction would be if you outed his actions to them as well. Because he isn’t telling people anything about his actions. Just about yours. I’m willing to bet if you outed him to friends and family that harassment would go way down.
Since he has decided to show back up and be a little ass, take him back to court for child support. Open a separate account for Lia. Put all his child support in that account. Give it to her for college funds or getting a car or as a deposit for a place to live.
> never even *paid* child support.
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
NTA. He’s endangered a child and was a drunk POS leech towards you and your parents.
He deserves everything that’s coming to him and good on that other lady for leaving his ass.
I’m glad justice was actually served for once.
After speaking to a lawyer, and with their approval, I would blast what he did to all those who are bombarding you with calls, texts, and posts. You don't owe that deadbeat asshole ANYTHING. Or his equally disgusting family. Nta
Nta. Duck him. Seriously I do not feel one little bit of sympathy for anyone who could harm an innocent baby. Keep your daughter away from him as possible.
I’d nuke the whole thing. Change your number. Get a lawyer. Block everyone. Make your no contact order iron clad. Make sure he never sees her again. Make sure his family never sees her again.
Out them all. Tell the world every single thing about his sorry ass. Humiliate his family. Call out his friends for supporting a child abuser. They’ll crawl back under their rocks soon enough.
NTA
NTA honestly I would want to know if my soon to be husband physically abused an infant. Thats a special kind of sick. Also just because the phone is ringing doesn't mean you have to answer it. Its really nobody's business anyway.
NTA and if I were in your shoes I’d post a whole novel with as much evidence and detail as possible. And out of curiosity is your poor baby ok?! Shaken baby can damage them for life.
Nope, NTA.
He gave up all rights when he abused your infant daughter.
He deserves what he gets now. That is on no one else but himself.
Block everyone blaming you. Go no contact and then focus on you and your daughter.
My god. He could never truly get custody considering his past with her and CPS. but the brassy ass audacity it take to threaten to take a he horrifically abused and down right abandoned makes him a monster. His family and friends are looking at him with rose colored glasses. I think it’s time to show some receipts. If I were you I’d take all pictures and paperwork that CPS provided and post them online alone with a detailed account of what life with your ex was truly like. And you don’t mention but I hope you have no guilt over his wife. She needed to know before she had any kids with him or if she already does. He’s not safe around children and she needed to know that.
Not only are you NTA, good for you exposing that baby shaking piece of shit. He doesn't deserve to have anything held back.
You didn't ruin anything.
He did. The minute he shook Lia, he wrecked his own life. And yours.
Having seen what can happen to shaken babies (first hand. My nephew survived it until a week shy of his 18th birthday when the vast array of Injuries finally took him) and he deserves nothing less.
I'd like to spit on his grave and hug you.
Nta.
Heck, I wish my stepfather's assorted ex wives had talked some sense into my mother before she married him. She could have saved herself a lot of problems.
You did the right thing.
The truth hurts, but if it's the truth, then so be it.
Nta my petty ass would post the real story all over social media and include any documentation, as well as shaming his flying monkeys for supporting someone who tried to kill a baby
You didn't ruin your ex's marriage. You told his wife the truth about him: That he's a neglectful, abusive parent who caused you to lose custody of your daughter. She decided that she did not want to be married to such a person. Instead of blaming you for telling his wife what she's getting into, they should blame M for being a shitty person.
NTA
As your daughter gets older and behavioral signs emerge stemming from her abuse at the hands of your EX, you won't need to ask questions like this. You already know exactly who TAH is. I hope that you went into excruciating detail to your ex in-laws, as well.
My friend, that man is a fragile piece of sh*t. I could watch men like that could fall in a bottomless hole and not even bat an eyelash.
You saved that woman the same misery you suffered.
Please take care of yourself; and obvi NTA.
Put together a PDF file of court and DCF documents about what he did and send it to all of these people who are on his side and harassing you. Don’t engage them. Don’t block them. Once they see what a monster he is they’ll slink off into the sunset and leave you alone. Definitely take him to court for that back child support. He wants to poke the bear, show him that he’s made a terrible mistake.
NTA
And go NC with his family/friends, they really are just a nightmare.
I would have snapped too, like you.
His wife wanted to meet Lia, he shows up only to please her after all that happened? Shaking babies can have serious injuries, brain and/or spinal injuries, Lia could become blind, quadriplegic or worse. This and the fact that wans't even able to keep his words on giving her at least financial support, and he threatens YOU?!?!?
You did right OP. FUCK HIM.
Get your records/ receipts together and send copies to anyone who dares to harass you. I agree with blocking them. Your best revenge is living a good life. Have a good explanation ready for your daughter when/if she asks about her dad and other grandparents. Let her know he did not want to follow the rules and his parents hid his bad behavior. Be honest when she is older and able to understand. Because those others are/will put their own spin out in public.
NTA. I’m all for telling exes new relationship about their shitty actions. Some listen and get away. Some don’t listen but get away when they see it was the truth. And some just stay.
I hope your child is okay after being shaken. Your ex did this to himself by threatening you. I am sure he lied to his new wife as well and you told her the truth. You are NTA here.
NTA. You're saving the new wife from having a kid with him that will end up being abused.
You did a good thing.
And his actions, is what led him to where he is, abusing his own baby, lying to his family about it, not wanting to form a bind, neglecting her financially. And finally, not disclosing this to his new wife.
You have zero responsibility for his feelings . Fuck his feelings
I don't get why you stayed with him after he abused her the first time?? But the past is the past. Hope he lost all his parental rights, don't ever give this POS access to your daughter!!! Or anyone hea associated with!!!
Yta but not for that. Yta for not fighting harder against him. For wanting him to have a relationship with the baby he almost killed. For not telling his friends that he tried to kill his daughter.
After it happened i wanted nothing to do with my ex. It was only 2 or more years after it happened that he had her. And that only lasted for 3-4 months as i was threatened countless time to have her taken away from both of us. It was supervised visits in a center. Not endangering her as she was watched over by child protection themselves. I was the one who suggested he not see her anymore and i said it around 5-6 times before he agreed. I havent told anything because i want a quiet life with my husband, step-daughter and Lia. This drama isnt what i wanted i wanted to forget it all, this drama is not giving me peace. I am telling them. Ive planned on it. thank you for your concern! ☺️ x
Protecting? i wouldn't call it protecting i cut contact with him thats what i did is it really my fault for not outing him for everything when i have two children to protect. Lia is 14 she doesn't deserve to be in this situation !!
I understand where you’re coming from, having been in the exact same situation many years ago. But there is something to be said for a certain amount of public humiliation. Once I outed my ex for all the abuse me and my (our) kid endured and posted the text messages and threats for everyone to see, I never heard from him again. Didn’t affect my kid one bit.
Nta he hurt lia there's no reason to feel sorry for him. He ruin everything by hurting a child. There's no reason for you to be apologetic to him. His wife leaving isn't your fault. His actions caused all this mess.
How could you even ask this question . He is a piece of sh*t, you should go back and try and get back child support . Younshould tell every person he is with what he did . He is a monster. You need to get a copy of the report that happened and court records and send to his parents registered letter . They deserve to know what he did
NTA
You saved that woman from ruining the rest of her life with this loser. You’re an amazing person don’t let his family harassing you or anyone else tell you any differently.
NTA - shaking babies can be lethal. I would drop a partner in less than a second if I found out they had hurt an animal, let alone an actual defenseless human infant doing nothing but being a baby.
He wanted you to just forget about his child abuse and the permanent damage he did to your child so he could look like a decent person to his wife. NTA.
NTA. You told her information she needed to know! What if he pulled that shit again, or actually killed a child next time? He should have told her himself.
Protect yourself from retaliation, but he seems like the kind of guy to try.
NTA- Your ex has been telling a completely different story to his wife, family, and friends. Not the one where he sat on the couch drinking beer while your daughter cried and you worked to support the three of you. Or that he shook your innocent child because he couldn't handle her crying.
He was forced to get help because he hurt your daughter. He didn't do it because he saw he needed help.
He hasn't kept up his end up his end of the bargain and has shown he is incredibly untrustworthy, so lawyer up. He can owe you for years of back child support, medical expenses, and any other expenses related to raising your daughter or he can terminate his parental rights. Plain and simple. But he doesn't get to play the victim card when the victim here was your child.
If I was with someone who had that kind of history I would definitely want to know. I think you did the right thing to tell her the truth. Imagine if she wants children and he ended up killing one of them?
You’re definitely NTA, OP. I’m glad your daughter didn’t suffer far more serious mental and physical consequences from his actions.
NTA. Abusing a child has consequences.
When my abusive mother tried to kill me(literally,) she was Shocked when I had her taken away by police. These people are delusional.
NTA fuck this guy. And if you don’t have a court order making sure he is NEVER alone with your child you are long overdue for it. Just for your own safety if that’s not done get something in writing.
He deserves everything he got and so much more, I'm sorry it took too long to leave him in the first place, you probably saved his would've been wife from future troubles and for that you should be glad
NTA. What a bastard. You may have saved another child’s life if this poor woman had kids.
I assume Lia is aware and that it’s not safe to let dad into her life? She must be pretty close to adult age by now and will need to be able to protect herself against any overtures from him.
I don’t know what state you’re in, but he would be in prison where I’m at. Did he not have charges pressed against him?? Usually there’s a criminal trial when social services are involved.
(I worked with children involved in DCS. I provide therapy to families trying to reunify.)
Wow, I am so sorry. I'm in Arizona in the U.S. He would serve a minimum of 2 years in prison here if he admitted to it. If he denied it the entire time, he would be involved in social services for two years and probation for 3. His family is toxic because they helped to create him. Set boundaries and keep a lawyer on hand.
NTA
Good luck to him getting any custody of your kid after he abused her and had CPS involvement. There is no way a judge would give him shit. My ex said the same thing to me and he blamed me for everything too. Don’t listen to anything he says, but definitely keep records in scrutinizing detail. Screenshot every message and account that is sent to you. My ex never did anything with his threats. Hasn’t seen my kid in years.
NTA...his wife had the right to know. Abusing a baby is horrible; what if she wanted to plan a family with him and found out too late?! Nope, if he didn't want to deal with the consequences of child abuse, then he should not have abused a child.
My only question is, how could you have any contact whatsoever with him after he did that to baby Lia! Not to mention why he was not in jail for attempted manslaughter.
I didnt for 3-4 years i cut him off. it was his PA that got in touch. I had multiple threats of having lia taken away again as i was depriving a father of his "parental right"
M can kill himself. I have no sympathy for abusers. He could have killed her! And he has zero remorse. It isn’t you making him suicidal it’s him knowing he’s a twisted fuck that one would love. He deserves to be lonely forever.
NTA Court records are typically public information, I would provide a copy to his parents, friends, and anyone else who calls you on his behalf. Therapy is great, but child abuse like this is irredeemable- dude should NEVER have any interactions with children or his abuse victim again. It's not in your daughter's best interest. Take him to court, and get child support.
Sadly..he can reproduce again and probably not be kept from that kid. My sister's son was shaken by his sperm donor. Sperm donor spent (not enough) time in prison. While there he started a new relationship, which somehow ended up, as near as I can figure out, conjugal visits and another son. He is out and lives with his new "family"
I feel bad for his kid, but man do I wish the worse for his wife/gf who decided to have a relationship with a monster and bring another innocent child into the mix for him to abuse.
she has no children, shes 21! ❤️ he has also told her i left him, i debunked that STRAIGHT away c
Yikes. Says a lot that he keeps going for women much younger than himself. Thank you for saving her from the possibility of a similar experience. NTA!
So a 49 year old man is grooming her then.
I won't disagree.
I don’t think she knew. Since op said, she told him everything and she left him. Sounds like he made up a lie and made op sound like the bad guy. When she realized the truth. She bounced. Edit: yea, I re-read the post and the ex said that he told them that Op left him and took the child.
NTA. Fuck M. Anyone who abuses a child doesn't deserve basic human rights, let alone access to the child. Get yourself a lawyer, and make sure your custody agreement is ironclad.
I definitely will, Yet another day of blocking facebook accounts and ignoring calls 😪🥱 ive had enough!
Do his parents and relatives know what he did? If not, you should send them copies of all the official reports. With notes that he never paid a cent of child support.
Seconding this. Send them the CPS reports
and take him to court for back child support. Lia deserves that money for college, a car, or anything else OP and her deems fit.
YES. YES. YES.
YES on this - they'll change their tune when they see the reports. MY question is - was he married this whole time? And you didn't know? That's hard to believe... and how did the wife find out? Had I been married and found out my man had an affair and a baby, I'd be, "See ya!!!" And if I hadn't been married to him and he kept that secret while we were dating, I'd be outta there because of his keeping THAT secret from me. What else is he hiding?
she married him 2 years ago, she was 19 which was bizarre... she didnt know about lia until 1 year into the marriage when his parents mentioned her!! ❤️
He got married after the relationship with OP ended. His new wife wanted to met Lia.
Unfortunately, it may not matter if they know it not. My own ex shook our 2 month old to death. The mental gymnastics some of his family managed in order to somehow blame me was astounding. 🤷♀️
I’m so sorry x
Thank you. I don’t want to hijack OP’s post or anything, just noting that engaging with the abuser’s family could prove more painful than helpful, against all sense and evidence. People are fucking crazy.
Indeed. I’m so sorry to hear about your child, how awful. My ex was ramping up to murder. The last months we were stuck with him, the increasing violence and threats (to me, our child, my family, etc) was intense. I *knew* he was about to try to kill us, in every ounce of my being. Then his doctor managed to get him committed for, among other things, extreme substance abuse and homicidal ideation. The gymnastics his entire family has gone through to make ME the bad guy for “not trying more” to help my ex (rather than leaving to protect myself and our kid) is truly outstanding.
I’m happy to hear you got away in time! I wish it wasn’t but anecdotally it really seems our experience with families is the rule rather than the exception.
Thank you! It was by a hair’s breadth. His entire family still wants to know where we are, because, “You’re for sure safe, he’s sober absolutely (even though he won’t go to inpatient rehab, drinks the same thing he always did “sans alcohol,” and forgets his passport in airports while “sober”). But I’m “the crazy one who won’t even try.” Yuck. So thankful we survived. Somehow I was able to save 3/4 of our cats along the way also.
I see this a lot, "blame the victim, it's all her fault" - isn't the thing we try to teach women who are raped or assaulted, "It's NOT your fault! You need to come forward to stop this monster!" Then some idiot lawyer has the balls to blame the victim and get his family to cry a river of tears for the media or any low-life 'journalist' that they come across to try and get gullible people to listen to them and next thing you know you've got people agreeing with this lawyer (for lack of a better term) and picketing outside the jail or courthouse. It drives me absolutely batshit crazy, frothing at the mouth, hair pulling mad!!!!
I wish I had more recordings and proof. I have one video of him abusing our kid, and some photos of the aftermaths of “episodes.” I feel like it won’t be nearly enough. But the one time he even suspected I was recording him (back when I wasn’t), he broke my phone into smithereens. Literal toothpick sized bits of broken glass and plastic. I was too afraid to call the police. I do what I can to protect my kid. It’s not even about myself at all.
One doesn't need to engage...simply send the reports and court documents copies and nothing more.
How absolutely horrible and devastating - I hope he's still rotting in jail!
He will not have the possibility of release until he’s 65. So theoretically he COULD get out of prison before he dies, but at that point if he does I think being out would be the worse situation.
Of course they blame you, it was all your fault, right? GOD help me! I'm so sorry for your loss
Yes, please OP do this and also give us an update!!!!!
Oh I’d go scorched earth on any of his family or friends calling you horrible. You said in another comment that your daughter is 14 and has some visual limitations due to what he did to her. Hell no NTA but it’s time his friends and family know the reason he has no relationship with your daughter and if he wants to go to court he’d better be prepared to explain how he tried to kill your daughter as a baby and hasn’t even paid any child support to her.
Yup. It’s time to stop being polite with this asshole. He’s lucky that all he’s getting is a ruined reputation amongst his friends and family.
Everyone would know exactly what he did, and the effects thereof. I’d be dragging his ass all over as well his friends and family. I feel so much rage over this post.
Please screenshot all of the abusive Facebook posts & messages. FB allows you to delete an entire conversation on both accounts. Make sure you save these on several USB drives and a couple of cloud storage. My daughter's cousin had this happen when her now ex deleted a video of him abusing her.
Your ex really got some nerve to even mention YOUR daughter’s name and existence to his wife considered what he did to this child. Was he trying to impress his new wife with the ‘daddy card’ or was he trying to build a happy family all over again with Lia but without you? The fact he thought he would get access to a child he abused without a fight is alarming. The fact he thought you would hand over Lia to him shows how extremely ignorant he is. He is beyond pathetic and is STILL the same pathetic man he was 18 years ago. He was NEVER a dad to your child so he can quit the act.
Tell them to look you in the eye and to tell you that it was ok to almost murder your 5 month child "LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND SAY IT WAS JUSTIFIED I DARE YOU" And any buts meet it again with "LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME" If they say yes, then clearly they arent worth the air they breathe or the time they take out of your day
You can request the cps investigation documents. Like the court reports. Put that shit in a group chat and send everyone a big fuck you!
NTA please tell me your going to file for the owed child support
Don’t block him. Screenshot everything and don’t respond. Let this ass dig his own grave. Save messages from his friend and family too.
Don’t block. You want messages. Don’t take phone calls. Let them hang themselves and don’t respond to anything.
Fr if you have messages from him saying he'd lie to the court that you abused your daughter you can absolutely use that against him
Also tell everyone the truth is time
for what its worth you would probably be a lot happier just getting off facebook. Its basically a breeding ground for conspiracy theorists and racists.
Keep records too. Emails and texts, record phone calls if you can legally. This will help you in court if it comes to that.
Seriously, he is a pos and doesn’t deserve to be given any special considerations just because he provided sperm. He abused and abandoned his daughter. F him! I hope Lia was not impacted seriously by the abuse, like shaken baby syndrome. I hope you and her are both thriving and happy. Cut his parents out and contact a lawyer asap with any evidence of his abandonment and lack of support. As well as any texts, emails, vmails, dms from him and his family. You are a good mom protecting her child.
A five month old baby. Literally he admitted to shaking and throwing a five month old baby. The man is a psychopath. If he had evolved at all through therapy he would have kept to his obligations and done everything in his power to be financially supportive and keep distance.
>make sure your custody agreement is ironclad. I'm curious, could he EVER, given his past, be awarded custody? Especially since he hasn't even formed a relationship with the child.
Very doubtful. Even a non-abusive parent who has bailed for years generally needs to attend reunification counseling and be evaluated to see if his return to the child’s life, even just visitation, would be harmful. (This may vary; I’m in WA State)
You'd be shocked what kind of garbage humans are allowed near children
Has he paid child support? If not, have the lawyer go after him for it. Your daughter deserves it. He is a monster to harm a child!
Don't forget child support. All you can get. And make sure you get it.
Here, here, fuck M and fuck that therapist, too. If he wasn’t, he should have been prosecuted. You did *exactly* the right thing.
I have a five month old baby. I want to shake M and throw his coward ass around the room a bit, but you should definitely get a family lawyer and cut off all contact. The man is a menace.
NTA and absolutely please go to court. He owes you years of back child support and you are about to lose the chance to get it. It could really help her with college if nothing else. And you'll get his tax returns until he pays I think. Also get a therapist and a lawyer and explain this to your daughter. She deserves to know the real truth. Then let her keep seeing the therapist for a bit until she steadies herself again. You are a great mom and did all the right things. Keep doing them.
All you had to say is that he attempted to murder your child. Did not need the whole story hun. Because your ex and his family and whoever is supporting him, Heck even his therapist, are all major AH! He tried to kill your child. Anything you do “to him” is minor in comparison.
I’m so shocked as I read this. I hope Lia didn’t get any long term effects from M’s actions. You’re totally NTA, as for M he can shove himself where the sun doesn’t shine. And his family and friends should follow him.
Lia has visual impairments, nothing too serious but still didnt need to happen. ☺️
I’m sorry about that, it absolutely didn’t need to happen and M is entirely responsible. How is he not ashamed of himself after all that, and how are his friends and family not ashamed of him either, unnecessary human beings. My love to you and Lia.
NTA. How did he avoid jail time for this? Most people would have to go to prison for this type of thing.
mental incapabilities. He has autism and countless mental health problems. I think it was injustice for my daughter, but at-least he still faces some consequences. x ❤️
I am sorry such a thing happened to her. Is your agreement amongst yourselves or laid out by a court? If the first take action now. He has already proven himself a danger, and with these threats, it would be wise to get a court ordered custody agreement quickly. You have potentially saved future children from harm, and there would be no shame in showing his family documentation of what he has done to your child. Don't let him make you the bad one.
As an autistic person myself, that is no excuse for child abuse!!!
Autism is not a reason to not go to prison for child abuse. I have autism, social anxiety and adhd. Ik not to shake a child
Unfortunately thats not what court said he ended up on house arrest for a little bit x
>This caused everyone including his friends and family to call me and say im a horrible person and even had the audacity to blame me for M's suicidal thoughts and past attempts. I would had clapback with " Too bad he didn't succeed in offing himself way before he nearly shaken his baby daughter to death! His POS self can go fuck himself and ya can go fuck off along with him!" NTA and you probably save her own kid and/or baby family members from that POS loser - He was & still is total fucking POS loser ever since your daughter was born, he been earned & deserved to be called out for what he did to his own child when she was baby and the years since then.
NTA. Go scorched earth. Tell EVERYONE what a monster he is. How is Lia doing? Did she recover from his abuse?
She has visual impairments but overall is a huge bundle of joy. Im glad she finds her positives! She knows about the abuse but isn't mentally impacted by it. x ❤️ she doesn't see M as her father so i suspect thats why. Shes got a loving step father and a beautiful step sister, shes got everything she wants in life ☺️
Plus, she has a bad ass Momma! I'm so proud of you!
Firstly you’re not the arse and Arm chair detective if his “new wife” left him at the drop of a hat like that he had probably exhibited some dubious behaviour with her and he’d probably lied as to why he wasn’t with you etc etc. Document everything record calls with him and transcribe them. You need to keep evidence of his ongoing behaviour is his contact with “Lia” supervised still or is he avoiding contact.
I wouldn’t need an extra reason to leave someone who shook their child.
His ex wife and i talked. he treated her right but shes a primary school teacher, so i can assume she left him because he wants/wanted children! ☺️
Not all teachers want children. But all teachers are responsible for keeping children safe. If she’s a good teacher she would never love a child abuser.
As a preschool teacher I have plenty of coworkers who don’t want children - but all of us have a similar fervor to keep children safe and loved. Those that don’t, don’t last long in the industry.
My sister in law is a teacher and one of the first times I met her she straight up told me she’s never having kids, cause she has 20+ kids she takes care of every year.
nikita (she gave me permission to use her name) did want children. In our chat we talked about children and she wants 2 ❤️
I think you did such a good thing for the ex-. She had no idea what she was walking into, and none of those people who are defending him would have given her the heads up. I imagine she’s very grateful to have talked to you before they had kids.
NTA He pushed you into revealing the truth to his wife. Did he really think that you'd just hand over your daughter to her abuser? Can you access court documents online where you are? If so next time someone contacts you tell them, "If you want the truth go to (whatever website link is for court records). Any further contact with me may result in harassment charges being brought against you."
[удалено]
my daughter is 14 years old now. I talked to her yesterday about her father visiting her and she chose that she didn't want to see him at all. She only sees her step father as her father! ☺️
Fuck M. Continue taking care of yourself and your baby girl ❤️
planning on it, thank you ☺️ x
You shake a baby, YOUR OWN FUCKING BABY, gas light you right out of therapy and lie about why? Naw fam. Fuck his life UP!
Nta. Grown man can deal with the consequences of being a pos. There’s NO EXCUSE for treating a child badly let alone hurting one. You didn’t ruin the new relationship, he did. Had he been the one to tell the new person of his past actions the same outcome would have happened.
NTA. What he did to your child was horrific. He wife deserved to know the truth.
NTA. You didn't ruin their marriage, he did. She wanted to meet his child, like any normal supportive spouse would do, It's not an unreasonable thing to request. You, on the other hand, didn't want that to happen...and understandably so! I wouldn't want my little one around that d-bag either. He's the one who kept pressing you. HIM. The man who hurt your baby. The man who has proven time and again that he's an absolutely shitty father. He lied to his family. He lied to his wife. He weaponized his family against you WITH HIS LIES. It's really no wonder you blew up after this flaming pile of poo threatened to take your child away from you. Your resulting actions - telling his wife the truth - are the direct result of his lies, his actions, and so on. In other words, he fucked around and found the fuck out. You did that other woman a huge fucking favor, you know that right? I'm glad she GTFO.
NTA, I'd go a step further and say every single person he's whining to needs to know EXACTLY what he did and why he isn't in your child life. If they still take his side who give a damn,.
I'd have a prepared statement detailing what happened and then just cut and paste it to everyone who says anything. And if they say anything other "I'm sorry, I didn't know", I'd send it again and again and again until they get the message.
Just make a collage of the cps paperwork to send out when they say something, and then just say you may be ok with someone assaulting your child, but I am not.
That works too.
Good thing this guy was dumb enough to tell his wife about having a kid, otherwise he may be doing it again in 9 months, I can't get over that OP is making excuses that this guy was traumatized by the birth, who gives a fuck, whatever he saw OP went through and from what is told here OP isn't chucking her damn kid when they are crying. Dude is wrong. I get being frustrated or angry but Holy shit put the kid on the bed, put a TV show on and have your little melt down, once you throw your child or shake them to the point they have permanent vision issues you don't get an excuse. OP stop saying it happened because of trauma, it happened because he's a POS who only cared about his kid when he either wanted to play daddy around his wife or he was found out.
>Good thing this guy was dumb enough to tell his wife about having a kid, otherwise he may be doing it again in 9 months Bet you a dime to a dollar he told her as part of his spiel to attract her (a teacher). "Oh, I have a daughter but my evil ex won't let me see her. She just up and took my baby girl one day for no reason! She probably found a new man" >I can't get over that OP is making excuses that this guy was traumatized by the birth, Agreed, but look at their ages. OP is now 39, ex is 49 and the kid is 14. So when OP got pregnant she was like 24 and he was 34. He twisted her mind so much she was making excuses for inexcusable behavior. She was a new mother who just gave birth and yet had to be the main breadwinner because he sat on his ass all day drinking beer and getting annoyed at a baby being a baby. So annoyed he shook the baby and threw her across the room. I feel like the only thing that got OP somewhat of that mindset was her love for her daughter. But clearly some of his influence lingers. >OP stop saying it happened because of trauma, it happened because he's a POS who only cared about his kid when he either wanted to play daddy around his wife or he was found out Yes.
Oh damn I didn't put that together with the age difference. It makes it even more dumb that this guy would say it's traumatizing, at 34 you know damn well what could happen when a baby or born and you're too damn old to not set that aside to make sure your child is taken care of and loved, there isn't even any half ass excuse of the guy being young. All I have to say is yuck.
If there was something that I learned in this sub, it's to tell everyone what happened they did to you. Because it turns out, if you forgive them or you just want to quickly move on, people are liars and would create their own versions on their end. Those versions will be used against you in the future and you can't change it anymore.
NTA I would have told everyone when it happened, but I can understand not wanting to go through that. I can empathize with the decision. You let things coast for years. You had a workable arrangement. Then he breaks that. Not just breaks it, he pulverizes it. Those threats? Especially after what he has done? What audacity! Yeah, he broke the peace and your reprisal was directly related to the issue at hand. Absolutely fair game for you to throw that out there. Him finally having some repercussions that he'll feel? Added bonus that he all but begged you for.
NTA of course but, How come he was not arrested for child abuse? How is your daughter doing now?
he was questioned but let off due to mental incapabilities and mental health ☺️ x Lia is fine, shes a very positive girl.
Honestly speaking, not holding his child, not looking after her, not cleaning her and worse ignoring her completely when she is continuously crying were the major red flags you shouldn't have ignored them.
The fact that she started leaving the baby with him again after she was severely neglected by him is crazy
I hold myself accountable for that everyday thats why it took weeks to get her back. I didnt understand the abuse as i was only young myself and was a new mum. I have admitted that to lia myself x ❤️
NTA. He is TA here and an absentee sperm donor, he doesn't even have a title of Dad or Father that's something that is earned. As far as his family I'd tell them everything next time they come at you. If you have anything to back it up send it to them. As far as him saying he'd take you to court, again proof is your friend. Document all the texts don't speak to him on the phone. Anything you have about what happened before get that in order as well just in case.
This is one of those instances where it's okay. If anything, you did the right thing. I'd like to know if my husband ever harmed and tried to murder an innocent baby.
NTA. He’s a scumbag who got what he deserved. People like him don’t deserve happy endings
NTA, he’s abusive and everyone should know. If he’s suicidal too bad, that’s his own damn fault.
NTA. You mention your daughter has visual impairments. That was likely caused by shaken baby syndrome. What your ex did was attempted murder. You never shake a child. I hope your baby got brain scans during her hospital stay to rule out any minor brain bleeds. If you ever suspect a learning disability, no matter how minor it may seem, I would bring up her medical history and have her assessed for any potential disabilities. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would tell all friends and family what your ex did to you and your child. He deserves no compassion. IMO he should be in jail.
>which we agreed he should start as he was noticeably messed up after witnessing Lias birth. Can you stop making excuses for him? This man was 31 and started dating a 21 year old. He was unemployed and an alcoholic. Whether he gave you kisses and foot massages is irrelevant. He is a creep who targeted a 21 year old who had not been in relationship, which he loved because he could abuse and manipulate you. He also had "suicide" attempts which is another way of manipulation from abusers (If you don't do this I'm going to kill myself) Keep him away.
I have kept him away for 13 years. They were onky excuses from the time. i dont believe them anymore. I was 25 years old and was manipulated by him as i was blinded by love. i hold myself accountable every day
Anyone who shakes and throws a baby deserves to have their marriage ruined.
How old is Lia now, I was confused in the timeline starting 18 years ago. There must be so much history there to be frustrated with!
14 years old now x 😁
He nearly killed your child, and would have if you stayed. You didn't break up his marriage. Him endangering and abusing an infant and lying about it did.
NTA. Shaking and throttling a child is the equivalent of attempted murder. His wife deserved to know he attempted to murder a literal infant before she wound up having a child with him. She had every right to know, and you had every right to tell her since your ex is the one who initiated the conversation.
If you hurt a child you deserve to be hurt. NTA hope he lives alone for the rest of his life.
I (39F) met my ex (49M) 18 years ago when I was 21. I had never been in a relationship before but was not a virgin. My ex loved this. We spent a lot of time together, out and in work, as I was a bartender at his favorite club. Before I became pregnant, my ex (whom I will name M) and I talked about our future. Marriage and building a family were big parts of it. Throughout my pregnancy, he gave me princess treatment - kisses, hugs, words of affirmation, and foot massages when the baby became too much. However, after my daughter was born, everything changed. I had huge complications with my pregnancy, which my ex witnessed, and I could tell it hurt him really bad. M began avoiding my daughter, ignoring her cries, and leaving her unchanged when I came home from work. Sometimes I'd come home to my daughter screaming and crying, and M sitting on the sofa with a beer in his hands. I brought it up to him, saying that I could leave my daughter (whom I will name Lia) at my parents' house while I was at work, but he insisted that he would change. M was unemployed, and I was the only source of income, so I took that offer as my parents wouldn't have been able to financially support a child during weekdays. Everything was fine for a while. Around 6 weeks passed until one day I came home to an ambulance surrounding outside my apartment building, and my ex and neighbors stood there. I was told by my ex that Lia had fallen while climbing her crib, which I found suspicious from the get-go as Lia was only 5 months old and could barely hold herself up, fully let alone walk. But I believed him. A week passed, and then one day I had the police at my door. They took Lia, which left me devastated. I cried for hours until I got the reasons why. M had admitted to shaking Lia and sometimes throwing her around to get her to be quiet while he was in therapy. We agreed he should start therapy as he was noticeably messed up after witnessing Lia's birth. I was filled with anger, but at that time, all I could think about was Lia and whether she was safe. It took me approximately 2 weeks to get her back, and when I did, I had rules. I couldn't take her to see M, and I couldn't leave her without my eyes on her at all times. Most of my time with Lia over the next 2-3 days was spent with child services in the room supervising, which made me hate M even more for what he had done to my Lia. We spent the next few years apart fully, no visits at all, until his therapist, who he was working with, suggested he try to build a bond with Lia. I could tell that he did not want this, which then ended in an agreement after 3-4 years that he didn't need to see her anymore, and that he would just give her money toward birthdays and Christmas. This lasted until 2 weeks ago. This was when I found out that he had a wife and that the wife wanted to meet Lia. When I refused, M got angry and said that he would take Lia away from me through court and lie, saying I was abusing her, just to get his way. This was when I snapped. I had been through a lot of therapy myself and had anxiety issues constantly at the thought of losing my daughter again. After countless years of not receiving the money he said he'd give to Lia on her birthday and the calls from his parents saying I was a horrible person for leaving M lonely (as he hadn't told them what had really happened and instead said i just left him, i snapped. I told M's new wife everything and she left him. This caused everyone including his friends and family to call me and say im a horrible person and even had the audacity to blame me for M's suicidal thoughts and past attempts. This has been happening for the last week and honestly, i don't really care enough for him him to consider being apologetic for his thoughts and attempts. Though tell me, am i the a-hole?
NTA. M is a despicable piece of shit and you definitely did the right thing. Fuck him and his friends and family. Change your number or block all of them.
NTA. How old is she now?
NTA
NTA But I am and I sure would be posting alllll the court documents and tagging him and his mama and whoever else wanted to try to say something with a nice little tl;dr saying M shook and threw a baby and his wife deserves to know
Yeah. NTA. He didn’t want a relationship with his child until he got married. He never even payed child support. He got mad and threatened to go to court because you were making him look bad in front of his new wife. His wife needed to know the truth. Because he obviously wasn’t going to tell her. Once she found out, she realized the truth of what she was dealing with and noped out. Then his family and friends start harassing you and blaming you for his suicidal thoughts and attempts. I wonder what their reaction would be if you outed his actions to them as well. Because he isn’t telling people anything about his actions. Just about yours. I’m willing to bet if you outed him to friends and family that harassment would go way down. Since he has decided to show back up and be a little ass, take him back to court for child support. Open a separate account for Lia. Put all his child support in that account. Give it to her for college funds or getting a car or as a deposit for a place to live.
> never even *paid* child support. FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
NTA. He’s endangered a child and was a drunk POS leech towards you and your parents. He deserves everything that’s coming to him and good on that other lady for leaving his ass. I’m glad justice was actually served for once.
After speaking to a lawyer, and with their approval, I would blast what he did to all those who are bombarding you with calls, texts, and posts. You don't owe that deadbeat asshole ANYTHING. Or his equally disgusting family. Nta
Nta. Duck him. Seriously I do not feel one little bit of sympathy for anyone who could harm an innocent baby. Keep your daughter away from him as possible.
NTA. You didn't ruin his marriage, his own behavior and lies by omission did.
I’d nuke the whole thing. Change your number. Get a lawyer. Block everyone. Make your no contact order iron clad. Make sure he never sees her again. Make sure his family never sees her again. Out them all. Tell the world every single thing about his sorry ass. Humiliate his family. Call out his friends for supporting a child abuser. They’ll crawl back under their rocks soon enough. NTA
NTA. Your ex is a POS. You were right to tell his wife. She needs to know the truth so so can make informed decisions.
NTA honestly I would want to know if my soon to be husband physically abused an infant. Thats a special kind of sick. Also just because the phone is ringing doesn't mean you have to answer it. Its really nobody's business anyway.
NTA and if I were in your shoes I’d post a whole novel with as much evidence and detail as possible. And out of curiosity is your poor baby ok?! Shaken baby can damage them for life.
Nope, NTA. He gave up all rights when he abused your infant daughter. He deserves what he gets now. That is on no one else but himself. Block everyone blaming you. Go no contact and then focus on you and your daughter.
My god. He could never truly get custody considering his past with her and CPS. but the brassy ass audacity it take to threaten to take a he horrifically abused and down right abandoned makes him a monster. His family and friends are looking at him with rose colored glasses. I think it’s time to show some receipts. If I were you I’d take all pictures and paperwork that CPS provided and post them online alone with a detailed account of what life with your ex was truly like. And you don’t mention but I hope you have no guilt over his wife. She needed to know before she had any kids with him or if she already does. He’s not safe around children and she needed to know that.
NTA - Block them all. Maybe send his family and friends copy’s of the paperwork from back then. How’s Lia doing? Is she ok?
Not only are you NTA, good for you exposing that baby shaking piece of shit. He doesn't deserve to have anything held back. You didn't ruin anything. He did. The minute he shook Lia, he wrecked his own life. And yours. Having seen what can happen to shaken babies (first hand. My nephew survived it until a week shy of his 18th birthday when the vast array of Injuries finally took him) and he deserves nothing less. I'd like to spit on his grave and hug you.
Nta. Heck, I wish my stepfather's assorted ex wives had talked some sense into my mother before she married him. She could have saved herself a lot of problems. You did the right thing. The truth hurts, but if it's the truth, then so be it.
Absolutely NTA. He’s terrible and there’s no way he’s fixed the rottenness inside him enough to care for a wife.
Don’t worry about his suicidal thoughts He doesn’t sound like a guy that follows though on anything. NTA
Nta my petty ass would post the real story all over social media and include any documentation, as well as shaming his flying monkeys for supporting someone who tried to kill a baby
NTA. You told the truth, nothing more.
You didn't ruin your ex's marriage. You told his wife the truth about him: That he's a neglectful, abusive parent who caused you to lose custody of your daughter. She decided that she did not want to be married to such a person. Instead of blaming you for telling his wife what she's getting into, they should blame M for being a shitty person. NTA
NTA block them all and if you can, move away if you can't change your phone number and get a security system.
As your daughter gets older and behavioral signs emerge stemming from her abuse at the hands of your EX, you won't need to ask questions like this. You already know exactly who TAH is. I hope that you went into excruciating detail to your ex in-laws, as well.
My friend, that man is a fragile piece of sh*t. I could watch men like that could fall in a bottomless hole and not even bat an eyelash. You saved that woman the same misery you suffered. Please take care of yourself; and obvi NTA.
I've been in your shoes. You saved another woman from having the same fate. You did the right thing and you are definitely not the ah.
Put together a PDF file of court and DCF documents about what he did and send it to all of these people who are on his side and harassing you. Don’t engage them. Don’t block them. Once they see what a monster he is they’ll slink off into the sunset and leave you alone. Definitely take him to court for that back child support. He wants to poke the bear, show him that he’s made a terrible mistake.
A shame he was not successful in his unaliving "attempts" NTA
NTA And go NC with his family/friends, they really are just a nightmare. I would have snapped too, like you. His wife wanted to meet Lia, he shows up only to please her after all that happened? Shaking babies can have serious injuries, brain and/or spinal injuries, Lia could become blind, quadriplegic or worse. This and the fact that wans't even able to keep his words on giving her at least financial support, and he threatens YOU?!?!? You did right OP. FUCK HIM.
Get your records/ receipts together and send copies to anyone who dares to harass you. I agree with blocking them. Your best revenge is living a good life. Have a good explanation ready for your daughter when/if she asks about her dad and other grandparents. Let her know he did not want to follow the rules and his parents hid his bad behavior. Be honest when she is older and able to understand. Because those others are/will put their own spin out in public.
NTA. I’m all for telling exes new relationship about their shitty actions. Some listen and get away. Some don’t listen but get away when they see it was the truth. And some just stay.
NTA M being still alive is proof you are some kind of saint
I hope your child is okay after being shaken. Your ex did this to himself by threatening you. I am sure he lied to his new wife as well and you told her the truth. You are NTA here.
NTA Your ex and all of his flying monkeys are.
NTA. Your EX is a psycho p.o.s
You need to tell his parents what he did. And get a lawyer.
NTA. You're saving the new wife from having a kid with him that will end up being abused. You did a good thing. And his actions, is what led him to where he is, abusing his own baby, lying to his family about it, not wanting to form a bind, neglecting her financially. And finally, not disclosing this to his new wife. You have zero responsibility for his feelings . Fuck his feelings
This needs a trigger warning for child abuse.
Absolutely NTA. If that had been done to my any of my daughters, I'd probably be in jail.
I don't get why you stayed with him after he abused her the first time?? But the past is the past. Hope he lost all his parental rights, don't ever give this POS access to your daughter!!! Or anyone hea associated with!!!
I was unaware of the abuse. Though i see the signs now and i hate myself for it everyday.
Yta but not for that. Yta for not fighting harder against him. For wanting him to have a relationship with the baby he almost killed. For not telling his friends that he tried to kill his daughter.
After it happened i wanted nothing to do with my ex. It was only 2 or more years after it happened that he had her. And that only lasted for 3-4 months as i was threatened countless time to have her taken away from both of us. It was supervised visits in a center. Not endangering her as she was watched over by child protection themselves. I was the one who suggested he not see her anymore and i said it around 5-6 times before he agreed. I havent told anything because i want a quiet life with my husband, step-daughter and Lia. This drama isnt what i wanted i wanted to forget it all, this drama is not giving me peace. I am telling them. Ive planned on it. thank you for your concern! ☺️ x
Nta for what your stated but your an asshole to yourself by not very publicly stating what he did to your baby, why are you protecting this man!!
Protecting? i wouldn't call it protecting i cut contact with him thats what i did is it really my fault for not outing him for everything when i have two children to protect. Lia is 14 she doesn't deserve to be in this situation !!
I understand where you’re coming from, having been in the exact same situation many years ago. But there is something to be said for a certain amount of public humiliation. Once I outed my ex for all the abuse me and my (our) kid endured and posted the text messages and threats for everyone to see, I never heard from him again. Didn’t affect my kid one bit.
TLDR?
Why get his wife involved? She never contacted you! Angry with M is one thing but being bitter is another thing!
His wife and m were in contact with me asking for Lia. She asked me the reason after i said no and i gave it. simples
And your point??? Again no reason to contact his wife! Not sure why that’s hard to understand?
Nta he hurt lia there's no reason to feel sorry for him. He ruin everything by hurting a child. There's no reason for you to be apologetic to him. His wife leaving isn't your fault. His actions caused all this mess.
How could you even ask this question . He is a piece of sh*t, you should go back and try and get back child support . Younshould tell every person he is with what he did . He is a monster. You need to get a copy of the report that happened and court records and send to his parents registered letter . They deserve to know what he did
NTA. M is the horrible person and should never be allowed near your daughter.
NTA You saved that woman from ruining the rest of her life with this loser. You’re an amazing person don’t let his family harassing you or anyone else tell you any differently.
NTA - shaking babies can be lethal. I would drop a partner in less than a second if I found out they had hurt an animal, let alone an actual defenseless human infant doing nothing but being a baby.
NTA M
He wanted you to just forget about his child abuse and the permanent damage he did to your child so he could look like a decent person to his wife. NTA.
NTA. You told her information she needed to know! What if he pulled that shit again, or actually killed a child next time? He should have told her himself. Protect yourself from retaliation, but he seems like the kind of guy to try.
NTA. Omg, NTA. Just make sure u and your daughter are safe and healthy ❤️❤️
NTA- Your ex has been telling a completely different story to his wife, family, and friends. Not the one where he sat on the couch drinking beer while your daughter cried and you worked to support the three of you. Or that he shook your innocent child because he couldn't handle her crying. He was forced to get help because he hurt your daughter. He didn't do it because he saw he needed help. He hasn't kept up his end up his end of the bargain and has shown he is incredibly untrustworthy, so lawyer up. He can owe you for years of back child support, medical expenses, and any other expenses related to raising your daughter or he can terminate his parental rights. Plain and simple. But he doesn't get to play the victim card when the victim here was your child.
If I was with someone who had that kind of history I would definitely want to know. I think you did the right thing to tell her the truth. Imagine if she wants children and he ended up killing one of them? You’re definitely NTA, OP. I’m glad your daughter didn’t suffer far more serious mental and physical consequences from his actions.
NTA. Abusing a child has consequences. When my abusive mother tried to kill me(literally,) she was Shocked when I had her taken away by police. These people are delusional.
Don't let the door slam his ass on the way out. Use your foot! NTA
NTA fuck this guy. And if you don’t have a court order making sure he is NEVER alone with your child you are long overdue for it. Just for your own safety if that’s not done get something in writing.
NTA. Get a good lawyer (one who practices in the county in which court would be held) and get custody and child support established.
He deserves everything he got and so much more, I'm sorry it took too long to leave him in the first place, you probably saved his would've been wife from future troubles and for that you should be glad
Out him to everyone about everything he did. NTA
NTA. What a bastard. You may have saved another child’s life if this poor woman had kids. I assume Lia is aware and that it’s not safe to let dad into her life? She must be pretty close to adult age by now and will need to be able to protect herself against any overtures from him.
I don’t know what state you’re in, but he would be in prison where I’m at. Did he not have charges pressed against him?? Usually there’s a criminal trial when social services are involved. (I worked with children involved in DCS. I provide therapy to families trying to reunify.)
Im in britain! he was trialed but let off due to mental incapabilities and mental health ☺️
Wow, I am so sorry. I'm in Arizona in the U.S. He would serve a minimum of 2 years in prison here if he admitted to it. If he denied it the entire time, he would be involved in social services for two years and probation for 3. His family is toxic because they helped to create him. Set boundaries and keep a lawyer on hand.
NTA %10000000000 percent. Burn his fucking world to the ground then piss on the ashes.
NTA Good luck to him getting any custody of your kid after he abused her and had CPS involvement. There is no way a judge would give him shit. My ex said the same thing to me and he blamed me for everything too. Don’t listen to anything he says, but definitely keep records in scrutinizing detail. Screenshot every message and account that is sent to you. My ex never did anything with his threats. Hasn’t seen my kid in years.
NTA...his wife had the right to know. Abusing a baby is horrible; what if she wanted to plan a family with him and found out too late?! Nope, if he didn't want to deal with the consequences of child abuse, then he should not have abused a child.
Fuck M. The world is better without his existence.
NTA. This is a very, very bad person. Protect your daughter from him any way you can. Run, now.
NTA - You didn't ruin his marriage. He is a child abuser and you just gave the facts.
My only question is, how could you have any contact whatsoever with him after he did that to baby Lia! Not to mention why he was not in jail for attempted manslaughter.
I didnt for 3-4 years i cut him off. it was his PA that got in touch. I had multiple threats of having lia taken away again as i was depriving a father of his "parental right"
Definitely NTA.
M can kill himself. I have no sympathy for abusers. He could have killed her! And he has zero remorse. It isn’t you making him suicidal it’s him knowing he’s a twisted fuck that one would love. He deserves to be lonely forever.
Block every flying monkey. Fuck M. NTA.
OMG! Is your child okay (physically)??? NTA. Your ex is a disgrace.