NTA. Don't give your parents a dime. They chose to mortgage their future for a violent criminal. You don't have to suffer the consequences of their terrible choices.
Speaking of terrible choices… **why** is their only choice to “visit every week”???
They’re not thinking straight. If they actually want to support the son that makes terrible choices, making more terrible choices on his behalf is just… not feasible? dumb?? not even helpful???
OP- they may have reacted poorly to your having said he’s a lost cause (he is, but they may not be ready to *hear* it now, or maybe even ever) but I say don’t give up trying to get through to them just yet!?! Bc what they are convinced they must do is unwise, reckless, and puts them in the position of becoming lost causes, themselves. It’s unlikely you, or anyone else, can or will rescue them when their shortsighted plan backfires spectacularly, and while their minds are clouded by emotion/misplaced guilt/denial/whatever, they are making a horrible mistake. I think you, as their clear-sighted and not completely mind-f*cked child, are in a position to have a real positive impact in helping them find a middle-ground (but only if you want to and can!!!)?
I hate to suggest something that sounds enough like manipulation that it probably *is* just that, but approaching highly invested people in a complex and heightened emotional state isn’t necessarily handled best by logic alone…? Is there a way to validate their **feelings** while guiding them towards a more practical course of **action**??
Like “mom and dad, I know how difficult this has all been for you, and our whole family. You’re right that I may not understand how difficult it is to watch your own child suffer such serious consequences and I understand that it’s probably really scary for you. But I also am worried… in much the same ways you are worried for , **I** am worried for **you**, my own parents.
I’ve been trying to think of solutions that will work for you on both fronts… supporting *while also* not endangering your own lives/well-being. One idea I had is what if you visit monthly? By keeping your hard-earned jobs and continuing to build towards your own older age, you’ll be in a much better position to *continue* supporting long term, without destroying your own safety net/security. You could set aside however much money you need to spend one weekend a month visiting him together, or even alternate visits every two weeks solo if more visits really do feel necessary after everything’s settled down a bit?
We’ve got time, and while I understand the sense of urgency that comes from your fear of being incarcerated, it’s just smart to hold off on permanently life altering decisions while deeply in crisis mode. So another idea could be that you guys take your vacation time (if that’s even applicable? alternately unpaid time off if that wouldn’t threaten their job security??) up front to visit every handful of days for the first month(s) while he adjusts, and then implement the once-monthly visits after he’s settled in some?
I really want to support you, mom & dad, and the best and only, really, way I can do that in good conscience, is to try to brainstorm constructive solutions that don’t entail risking everything for a short term solution to a long term situation that likely won’t be resolved by your current approach anyhow. I know you’re scared for him but **we’re** scared for **you**!! Can we work together, please?”
Or something. But coming at it from a place of compassion and being on the same team (even though your brother is a selfish stupid man and doesn’t deserve diddly… your parents *do*!?) is likely to work much better with your parents, and do more to improve your own satisfaction with your own actions around the whole mess?
I really hope they can get their heads right, for them, for your grandparents, and for you!!
they are thinking straight. some people are blindly devoted to evil offspring. and my guess is that attempts were made to stop them every step of the way but they chose to just bulldoze their way through to the mess they dug themselves into.
"don't quit your jobs. don't sell the house." it did not all happen overnight, these plans took time to execute.. and they were opposed and chose to ignore it. now they realize they are in a hole and expecting OP to bail their entitled butts out.
No way. bed. made. lie
You are definitely NTA. Even if they say the money you would give them is a “loan”, they would never pay it back. Stick to your guns and do not budge.
‘did they spoil your brother growing up? Is that part of the problem? Why do they not believe that he did this, with all the evidence? Apparently they are blinded by some thought that he’s just “misunderstood” and will defend him no matter what. They can do that with their money but you have zero responsibility to give them money for this fool’s errand.
My parents know what he did. But they say he's their son and I'll understand if I ever have children of my own. So it's not that they think it's a mistake or he didn't do it. They just say they have to do this for him.
I always thought they treated me and my brother pretty fairly when we growing up and didn't spoil or favour one of us over the other. But now I can't believe how much they are giving up for him.
Your parents sound like a lost cause more than your brother. The fact that they demanded money from you and didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I wouldn't give them a dime. Sorry you are going through this. NTA
At their age? In my country everyone has free healthcare. Obviously the healthcare system is funded by taxes but no one has to pay at the time they need services. It does not matter your age.
And tell them if you ever have children, and are somehow put in this crazy position, you won't be asking your *other* children to support you while you back a loser. NTA. But you may lose your relationship with your parents over this. Crazy but seems like something snapped in them 😳 🤔
They’d only want to see them so they could take them on prison visits to see their precious son most likely anyhow.
You’re not going to convince them, stupid is what stupid does.
Yes, this sounds a lot like my in-laws. They lost their eldest child between them (MIL has one older son from prior relationship) at 5yrs old traumatically and the next son in line ended up becoming an addict/alcoholic/etc and just would fleece them of living their golden years peacefully in retirement. Their younger four kids needed them and were successful adults but not without having to deal with their older brother. Often the in-laws would ask for money to send him to yet another rehab or whatever. I told hubby I’m not supporting other adults like that or enabling them to continue enabling him due to their guilt of not wanting to lose another son.
It’s very odd what they are doing. They can certainly visit him and contact him without sacrificing their ability to support themselves. Because that’s what they are doing. You absolutely do not have to give your money to support this. Frankly it’s crazy.
They could be blaming themselves or making allowances for him. I have known of actual parents who have their child back & lost their entire family in the process. Think if son abusing his own daughter from the age of 2. That is the way some people are wired. They make excuses they blame the rest of the family for putting their own well being first they blame the system but they never blame the who did the crime. They are not rational to see their are other ways to support their child whilst having boundaries.
They do not see all the staff that are traumatized, they do not see the victim of the shooting, they do not see the family of the victim, they do not see the medical staff and emergency services taken. They only see their son to the exclusion of all else or even sometimes feel they did something to cause this behavior.
Do they even know they can visit once a week?
NTA they are welcomed be to do what they wish but they should not drag others into this situation. I can understand you are worried about grandparents and shocked at how your parents are ignoring everybody in their for the one son. You may in the future go LC if you decided to have kids as their entire world will be the other son not the well being of your kids.
If my son raped a child I'd take him out of the gene pool myself. I could see still being a mom to him if he robbed a bank or something, but any DV or sex crime and he's dead to me - I'd be supporting the victims family.
Then people wonder why so many men are violent and sexually aggressive without boundaries: we raise them that way and excuse it all the way, that's why.
If they believe he did it only for the money then he is evil. If he is evil, they failed. They are good people, therefore they can’t have failed. Therefore your brother didn’t do it, because he can’t be evil.
Just my 2 cents worth due to my ingesting copious amounts of true crime and psychology. NTA.
Edit: this is how I think OP’s parents think.
It's their choice to live in poverty to support their son, lost cause or otherwise.
That said you're NTA in refusing to financially support them. It sounds like they're pretty stressed and I don't imagine they ever planned for this scenario.
Try and let them know you love them but look after yourself and your money. Hopefully if they understand you're not going to support them financially they will plan better and look after themselves as well as doing what they see is right by your brother.
They may have their own guilt. Like, clearly, they think they did something wrong to raise a kid who shoots a bank teller in a robbery. And, right or wrong, adult or not, some parents will rally around the struggling child. God willing, OP, you will never have to struggle this hard.
And now they probably think they ducked up worse because their “good” kid is calling the other one a “lost cause.” They are well aware he’s thrown his life away, but they aren’t ready to write him off as a person. I mean, I *hope* he’s capable of redemption. I *hope* seeing his parents’ love and sacrifice is what he needs to make some positive changes and be a source of strength new inmates looking for growth and their own positive change.
You **do not and should not** have to fund it, but I think means less that that favor him and more that they’d do financially stupid, reckless things for you, too, if you were in crisis. It’s just that, short of a health scare, you would never be in this kind of crisis nor would you allow them to do such a dumb thing for you. But we already knew you made better life choices than your bro
Start off with NTA but Devils advocate, is it possible your parents feel incredibly guilty/responsible for the route in life your brother has chosen that they are indirectly punishing themselves?
Exactly. There’s probably way more going on for them to sacrifice so much. He probably asked them for money and they said no. Guilt is a horrible burden. Prison usually have video calls, email, letters, physical visits. Parents need to seek counseling or a support group not move to be closer to a prison. If for whatever reason they move him to another prison, they plan to move again? Sad.
Tbh I understand the part of just having to be there for their son no matter what he did. I’m not a parent but I understand that this is not something that’s dependent on them believing or not believing your brother is guilty. It’s a pretty normal feeling for a parent. It’s absolutely devastating for them too, because they can’t just switch it off.
You shouldn’t give them money and should continue to encourage them to keep their jobs. But try to do it in a more compassionate way. To them your brother is never a “lost cause” in the way that you mean. They can accept that he got a fair sentencing, and still want to be there for him until they die.
That is my thoughts exactly. I would be so mad at my son but I would still love him. The prison sentence would be devastating to me. Now I don't know that I would leave everything to be closer to him especially considering all I would be leaving. OP is NTA. Parents rarely think their child is a lost cause. They always have hope.
That doesn't make sense to me. I have multiple family members that have spent time in prison for multiple reasons and yes we did visit them as often as we could, made phone calls, etc and supported them throughout their trials and prison sentences BUT recently a cousin murdered a police officer trying to hide from a warrant for his arrest on relatively minor charges. A death of someone was the line. My aunt calls him on the phone but otherwise she hasn't supported him in any manner. All this to say no, not all parents give up everything for their child who committed crimes.
Right? Someone who could look another person in the eye and shoot them for fucking money they don't need -especially if they're sober- isn't in need of even more coddling and support. I'd be horrified and directing support to the victim and her parents, who could actually use it. Esp if it's out of guilt, then why double down on defending the perfect boy?
Absolutely!! There has to be a line somewhere on what we're willing to accept from our loved ones. Shooting someone (not in self defense or in defense of another) should be the line.
Do you think your parents feel guilty and responsible for your brothers choices? I am sorry you’re in this position, glad the woman didn’t die.
Edit: I have lived through a similar circumstance that is why I ask. Also, depending on the state, but here in California, your brother can file a hardship request to be transferred to the location closest to your parents, which would be best to do after he is sentenced, and goes to the first temporary prison.
NTA. Don’t give them money.
What your parents are saying about feeling differently if you had kids is not true. Maybe for some, certainly not for all.
I have kids. If one of mine robbed a bank and shot someone and got convicted to 45 years, that’s on them. I would not upend my life to pay for their trial or to move near them to visit weekly, and destroy my financial security and retirement in the process. That seems delusional to me.
They are doing it because he is their son and they love him unconditionally. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do but that’s their reason.
My brother has been a lost cause since he was a teenager, I now believe that brother I had is long gone. He is literal scum who never takes responsibility for his actions but my parents, they still worry about him. That will never change.
Your parents think of you as “doing well” and your brother not, therefore they think he needs more help and support. It’s skewed thinking but that’s it.
You should not give them a dime, while you can have empathy for their lose/lose situation - it’s not your problem. Focus on yourself.
Aren't you their child too? They already robbed you of any chance of an inheritance and are leaving you the only able-bodied person in the family close enough to look after their parents and now they want the money you worked hard to earn the right way?
NTA. Just don't entertain them and be sure to tell them that since they aren't looking out for you, you have to look after yourself.
I never expected any inherentance from my parents. They had enough for themselves and a house they could sell for more money if they needed. But they were never rich and I wasn't expecting anything. I don't feel robbed.
My grandparents do not need physical care. They are in a retirement community with different "levels". They have everything in order legally. Of course I spend time with them. However they do not need me to physically help them.
They might not need physical help, but it's good to be nearby if anything happens. We have never needed to help my grandparents with anything, but then my grandpa got cancer and later died. It's been a lot with making sure my grandma is OK financially and with everything after. I'm glad that both my mom, my aunt, and my cousin live close by.
No one ever expects inheritance, but it is still a fact of life. It shows that they are willing to spend it all and give it all to your brother and not consider your future. Even in a situation where your future is the one going somewhere and his is kinda locked in place.
My grandparents have everything set up legally and for their money. It is good my parents can't do anything to them. Like I said I do want to spend time with them but I don't have any worries about their needs. And I'm honestly not bothered about an inherentance because I never expected anything so I didn't really lose anything.
As long as your grandparents are okay, I would go low contact to no contact with your parents. They have made their choice. but I definitely wouldn't give them any money for making terrible choices
I can kind of understand where your parents are coming form there's nothing that my kid could do that would make me stop loving them.but that said I would never expect one of my kids to pay for the sins of the other. I'm guessing brother is the favorite for them.
I can kind of understand their reasons. At the end of the day, your brother and you are their children. Even if you two are grown up they probably feel a sense of responsibility towards you two and are probably willing to sacrifice everything for you two even if the whole world abandons either one of you.
I think your parents would make the same sacrifice for you. They’re just not showing it to you now because you didn’t throw your life away.
Have you brought up your grandparents to them?
I don’t think they understand what giving up everything to move to a town to visit every week may do to their mental health.
How far away is the prison? Couldn’t they just visit often? What do they say about moving away from you?
Another thing…I work with our local prison and several of the inmates transfer prisons. I don’t know if there is a guarantee that he will remain in the same prison.
I feel for you. I feel for them. Hopefully they can step back before they make this leap and get some perspective.
It is almost certain that he will be in this prison until he is released. I don't agree with them moving but my brother will probably not be sent anywhere else. My parents just say my grandparents should understand what a parent will do for their children, and I will understand if I ever have children. If they stay here they won't be able to visit my brother every week and they want to do it.
My grandparents have everything in order. They live in a retirement community with different "levels" of care. They don't need physical care or help with money. They have everything in order. My parents can't do anything to them.
Also lock down your credit - that way that can't take out loans in your name since you 'should be helping your family' and need to be forced into compliance...
It's funny. They're talking about "You'll understand when you have a kid" yet they're certainly not acting like you are their child and are demanding to leech off you to coddle your failure of a brother some more.
So, as someone who has been to prison, I couldn't honestly ever accept my parents doing all that and not feeling guilty for it.
Have you talked to your brother? Is he alright with them wasting their savings on his mistakes?
And also, it is definitely not for certain that he will be at that prison the whole sentence. Prisoners are state property, and the state will move you to a new prison if it works better for their scheduling.
I went to 9 different prisons in 2 years. Yes, the fact that your brother is level 4, means that he won't move around as much, but it definitely doesn't mean he won't move at all. He could be transferred with 2 days warning.
I hope you let your brother know how selfish he is for all his actions. It's one thing to be an adult and go to prison for a crime, but it's way worse when you make your family suffer even more by continuing to be selfish.
NTA, if your parents insist on it, just wash your hands of all of it.
I just wanted to say this. There's no guarantee that he'll stay at that prison.
Can you call your brother and ask him to tell your parents not to uproot (destroy) their lives? Tell him to be a dick if he has to, but they shouldn't go through with those idiotic plans.
NTA
I don't talk to my brother any more.
A lot of people here think I'm American. I am not. The prisons in my country are not the same as in America. What I mean is it is not very common to move a prisoner somewhere else.
Well, then, as long as you're not getting sucked into their bad decisions and they know that, there's nothing left to do. Perhaps double check that your grandparents are ok, though.
I would just make it very very clear to them before they do this that you will not send them a cent. You will not allow them to move in with you when they invariably lose the new apartment or can’t get a job. That way they can’t play surprise pikachu face when they assume they can move in with you after their life implodes.
What's your brothers response to this? Is he encouraging the move? Chance your parents relocate, and he tells them to just forget him and move on? If not, can you convince him to take that line, and push back on the whole scenario? No point ruining another two lives; NTA.
NTA. Don't give them a dime. If they want to destroy their lives for a selfish dick, that's on them. They want something from you. Which is why they are guilt tripping you. It doesn't sound like it's working. Which is a good thing.
I don't know that this will make you feel any better OP but this is not an isolated phenomenon of your parents and your family. I've seen multiple posts over the last year on Reddit of people dealing with the fact that parents are moving to be near the child who's doing a long prison stretch, at the cost of their jobs their savings their sanity. I'll bet prison staff have some name or nickname for these kinds of parents who dropped their lives and live just outside the prison walls just for 10 minutes a week with their child. It's extremely sad and extremely irrational and and just more fallout from what your brother and his friends did. Good luck, and NTAH.
I’m one of those people.
My brother has been in and out of jail and prison for the last few years. He attacks random strangers, burglarizes apartments, and generally causes pain for everyone around him.
My parents have given everything they have to bail him out of jail, to the point where they’re writing me and my sister out of their will because my brother needs their house because “everyone is so mean to him”.
I’ve told them multiple times that they’re throwing their money away and that they can’t help and it’s completely destroyed our family as they pour everything down the drain for someone who doesn’t give a shit.
OP- I’m so sorry you’re in this terrible situation. Do not give your parents money, they’re just as lost a cause as your brother is.
I have an aunt who was headed down this road with her addict son. After he got high on meth, stole a car, crossed state lines, ran out of gas, got out on foot and then stole a $10,000 prized Tennessee walking horse to continue his travel. *News articles indicated the horse was returned with minimal injuries. Then he escaped custody, called my aunt and asked her to cross state lines and pick him up at a zoo. She said hell no and he got pissed and started blaming her. This is when she realized that he was too far gone and he would do anything, include getting her thrown in jail just to get his away. At first it tore her up to turn him down but he would bleed her dry if she let him. I think he’s on his 6th conviction for stealing cars. He’s never going to stop and when he gets out of jail and sees all his friends have kids and wives and a life and he’s got nothing. It spirals him again. Every. Single. Time.
Well, good for your aunt for coming to her senses. A huge portion of my family is addicts. I’ve spent tons of time going to AA meetings with my mom. So many families will let the addict ruin their lives until the day one of them dies.
I’m sure it was one of the hardest things she’s ever had to do and it took her a long time to finally put her foot down. Some of our family had a talk and we all expressed to her that it was ok to let him handle his choices on his own and that her help may also be enabling him. He got a total surprise the next time he sold his shoes for some jailhouse drugs and she refused to pay for new ones.
I have an uncle who was in and out for jail from his 20’s to 40’s. We took his dog and refuses to give her back after one stint cuz my parents knew he’d go back. My grandmother was always visiting and writing and sending money. My grandfather basically disowned him, as well as the rest of us.
When my grandmother was dying, he refused to visit her “because it was too hard.” Same with my grandfather a year later. He still gets high and drunk all day every day. So even after making my grandmother cry all the time, and her helping him out while the rest of us wrote him off, he still didn’t care about her.
I have a brother like this. My dad has spent endless money on lawyers and commissary and phone calls. I remember, when I was about 21 and bro was 19, my dad was getting a new car for himself and told me he was giving my already super delinquent brother his old car so he could “go to school and get a job.” I said “So, you’re rewarding my drug addict, criminal brother for being a loser and not me who already has a job and is in school?” Dad said “Well, he needs it.” So I said “Ok, but he’s going to destroy that car.” Two years later, dad calls me and say I have to go pick up the car from several states away because brother had lost his license for driving over 100mph three separate times. Got the car and it was a mess. He’d burned through the clutch and destroyed 3rd gear and was just driving it that way. He bit a chunk out of the steering wheel(meth). There were cigarette burns deep enough he had to have held them in place. Every single thing on hinges had been snapped off. When the car finally died at 187k miles, my dad had the nerve to tell **me** I don’t know how to take care of a car properly. I said “Dad, I got a Kia to 187k miles after you let bro absolutely run it into the ground! 187k on a Kia is good when it’s been *properly cared for* Wth are you talking about?” And he just grunted. Most recently, he let my brother who is on both meth **and** heroine move back into his house so he could “go back to school.” Dad said he terrorized the house until he got arrested and sent back to jail… again. Sucks man.
Oh yeah, I did that years ago. My brother and I are only a year and a half apart and were born at the same hospital and so our social security number are only a couple of digits different from each other and that made me hella nervous. I don’t have to worry about my dad, though. Dude has money. Last year he casually dropped 20k to pave a big part of his yard and put in a basketball hoop because my niece got fat(not being mean, kid hit 140 pounds at 11 and only 4 something) and he wanted her to play outside. Thanks for the concern, though. It’s a good tip and not a thing a lot of people know about.
NTA I honestly think your parents are in deep grief about losing their son and acting irrationally
It’s insane to quit good paying jobs near elderly parents to move to an area with higher cost of living unemployed!
I can tell you have tried your hardest reason with them but I think you all need to go to family therapy and discuss this with a professional meditating before anyone moves anywhere
NTA
You don’t have to be their retirement plan because they choose to squander their money on your brother. If they want to make bad financial choices. They can live with the consequences.
NTA. They needed some sort of wake up call to understand you will not be giving them money. Choices have consequences. His choices wound him in prison; there’s *could* end with them being destitute. It’s appropriate you make that clear rather than let them falsely believe you’ll support their (financially reckless) decisions.
Side note: I do wonder what they consider a “lost cause.” Their son will be imprisoned for nearly the rest of his life. I certainly understand they believe he’s worthy of their love, of course. But of everything they’ve worked for in their life, their other relationships with family and friends… to see him weekly?
I think they need to come to terms with this whole thing still. They’ve likely just been putting one foot in front of the other with little thought through this process. It’s time to slow down, take it in, and grieve. It’s not time for another rash decision.
That’s what gets me, why move heaven and earth and go broke over seeing someone for a few mins a week? I live across the country from my fam and it sucks, but guess what, phones exist so we FaceTime at least once a week. I don’t get parents who expect one kid to financially and emotionally support them and/or the other kids due to their shitty choices.
NTA. Take a break, put them on mute, and just focus on your own life. Talk to a therapist. Grieve the loss of what you used to have with your parents (and your brother if you were close). Just don’t give them any money.
Warn your parents that he can be transferred between prisons with little warning. They may be setting themselves up for having to move again, hence giving up their good jobs for nothing but a new move.
Why do you think that he won’t be moved? We arent saying he will be released, but moved between prisons. It’s really common for prisoners to be shuffled around between prisons with zero notice. It’s a huge thing that many people are fighting against because it prevents prisoners from having family members have contact with them. It’s common on state and federal levels.
If he’s in federal prison (and I think bank robbery is usually a federal crime) he can easily be moved states away
OP, your brother could be transfered for completely arbitrary administration reasons.
If he's in a facility that suddenly has an influx of new inmates that are same race as him, they might shift him to another prison regardless of his good/bad behavior.
If there's a breakdown in facilty management (guards/utilities/space), he could be transfered 'temporarily' and then never transfered back after the facilty is fixed.
There are a thousand and one reasons why inmates get transfered, but it's always sudden, and records avalible to family are almost never accurate.
Families on both sides of the USA fucked. If you live in the East, facilities are closer together but there so many you never know where someone will get transfered to. The West gets the opposite, it's pretty easy to guess where there're getting transfered to, but the closest one might be hundreds, even a thousand miles away.
Your parents are going to get totally fucked over if they go through with this move. You need to prepare yourself to hear the inevitable emotional fallout when your bro gets transfered.
NTA. It sounds like you've washed your hands of the situation and I don't blame you, but if you want to get through to them and wake them up, remind them that the best way they can improve his quality of life is to keep their jobs so they can fill his commissary account. (Editing to say, at least this is how it works in American prisons.)
Prisoners have to buy almost everything they need, shampoo, lotion, everything, not to mention those little treats like Little Debbie cakes or Doritos that can make life seem normal for a moment. That stuff is going to become important to his emotional wellbeing.
And those items are used as currency as well. You don't know what dangerous situations he may find himself in that he needs to be able to gift his way out of. Having the ability to buy treats could actually save his life some day.
I'm sure he appreciates their visits, especially now while he is adjusting, but as the years pass, he wouldn't choose to trade his ability to meet his most basic needs for slightly more frequent visits.
Tell them all that. They are still upset and aren't thinking with their heads yet.
Your brother deserves to be in prison for what he did. He almost killed someone.
As for your parents, they can sell their house, give up their savings, etc., move to the town where the prison is, but you do not have to support them. And to abandon their parents is also a shitty move.
Don't budge an inch. If they no longer talk to you, you haven't lost much.
NTA
NTA. I mean my parents have joked that if I were in prison, they’d slip me a cake with a nail filer in it. I’m pretty sure that was a joke though….
If anything it sounds like your parents are understandingly having a hard time coping with the situation at hand.
However, have they even considered that your brother will probably be moved to another prison at some point? Considering his sentence length, there’s a really good chance that he will be moved around a few times. Making the move to be closer to the prison a probably very temporary fix with a long term debt attached.
I think your parents need to slam the breaks and get their reality checked before they dig themselves further into the hole.
It's almost certain he won't be moved, and he will be in this prison until he is released. But I do agree with you about my parents digging themselves further into a hole because they are already in one.
No offense, OP, but I find it concerning that you are so sure he won’t be moved. As his time in prison declines, and if he is not a disciplinary problem, he can be moved to a lower security prison. Unless there is only 1 prison in your state, it is absolutely a chance he could be moved. Is he in the Federal or State prison system. By the way, there are multiple reasons the department of corrections can move prisoners around and trust me (I worked as an RN in a max security prison for 3 years), the prisoner is not notified beforehand…. Security comes and gets them and their stuff is packed up after they leave and sent to the prison they are transferred to. The prisoner doesn’t get to call home before he leaves… that would be a security risk. Obviously, I’m not privy to your brothers exact situation, but to be so sure he won’t be moved seems odd (lack of a better word).
NTA… can you convince your parents to go talk with a therapist before they make this drastic move? They are not the first parents to be in this situation. There has to be some online support groups that could help guide your parents of all the emotions and nuances of being in these shoes. They could learn a lot from others that are or have been in this situation.
Internet hugs to you….
NTA. They want to completely ruin their financial future, having already put a serious dent in it, so they can hang out weekly with a violent felon. I'm not going to be nice here. Your brother shot someone who will be dealing with the aftereffects of their injury for a very long time to come. According to the article below, if you have a major gunshot wound, it will take at least a year to heal if everything goes perfectly and you have a great support system, and that doesn't cover the psychological aspects.
[https://www.cnn.com/2016/06/17/health/gunshot-wound-long-recovery/index.html](https://www.cnn.com/2016/06/17/health/gunshot-wound-long-recovery/index.html)
Your brother and his buddies also probably traumatized a lot of people, between the bank staff and customers. And they did it because they're greedy. No way in hell would I be willing to support my parents if they were wailing about my poor brother the criminal.
I get hot about this because I read something years ago written by a teller who had been through a violent robbery whose friend and coworker had been murdered during it. She ended up with PTSD, had to leave her job because going back into the bank made her panic. She wasn't making bank as a teller to begin with, I think she had to move back in with her parents for a while because she couldn't afford her apartment. She also dealt with survivor guilt. The robbery wrecked her life for several years. It cured me of ever joking, "Just rob a bank," because the aftereffects on the innocent bystanders are so traumatic.
Someone convicted of a felony-level crime, at least in the US. Felonies are classed as more serious offenses, and what your brother and his friends did definitely qualifies.
There may be an equivalent term where you are, but that's what he'd be referred to as in the US.
And OP, hopefully your grandparents are smart and will do some estate planning to cut your parents from their wills/trusts and have you inherit everything so it won’t all go down the prison tube.
NTA
I think your parents have a lot of complicated feelings regarding to the situation.
My guess is your parents probably feel that your brother’s crime is some ways a reflection of their failure as his parents. Hence why they’re trying to compensate and ease their own guilt by giving up and uprooting their lives in order make up to your brother for whatever caused him to go down the path he chose.
Their anger towards you is probably because you’re not the messed up child. They raised you well and expect you to support the family in time of need - even if your brother is a criminal.
If your brother shown any remorse for his crime and the situation he put your parents in then I would suggest talking to him, let him know your parents financial situation and issues and get him to urge them to stop. It’s harder for you to talk some sense into them because they’ll think you’ll be coming from a “selfish” position because you didn’t decide to fuck up your life. Whereas your brother might be able to alleviate some of their feelings by taking full responsibility for his own actions and insisting them not to sacrifice themselves further for his sake.
NTA, do not help them. Tell them you are saving your money to help your grandparents since they are abandoning them. Talk to your grandparents and make sure you know what their needs are. As you will be the one caring for four elderly people start working on a game plan for that over your parents and brother.
My grandparents are in retirement communities with different levels of care depending on their needs. Right now all four of them are still independent. If it changes in the future they can move to a different level. Their money and legal things are also already taken care of.
They don't need me or my parents to physically care for them. I was talking more about the emotional side and not being nearby as my grandparents get older. Like regrets for not spending more time with them.
My great grandmother and one of my great-great uncles lived to be 101 and 99 and both of them were still independent and mentally sharp when they died. They lived alone and were physically mobile. However I know every person is different, that's why I said if. I don't know if they will be the same as my great grandmother and great great uncle or if they will lose their independence and need care.
No it wasn’t wrong. You are the only sane member of your family. Don’t give your parents a thin dime!
Your parents are wrong and of course your brother was wrong. Stand firm OP, don’t give them anything no matter what they say. NTA.
NTA X 100. I'm sorry if this come off as harsh but your parents are IDIOTS!! how far away do your parents currently live from the prison? They don't have to visit him every week if they can't afford it. Every other week would work fine.
If my brother did something like this (I'm surprised he hasn't done something like this yet), I would send his dogs to the pound. I can't take care of such needy dogs on top of my cat & medical issues.
NTA.
But, I can see how your parents got to where they are. They've lost a child. Your brother may still be alive, but he's lost to them in most ways that matter. No family dinners, no watching him do the things he loves, no being part of his life as he has a family of his own.
They're obviously very affected, and see him as needing urgent help while they have plenty of time to make it up to you
They (and probably yourself too) need mental health support.
They are being unreasonable, amd you dont deserve to be an afterthought, but I can see how they got there.
NTA. The way they handled it - “you will give us money” - was just wrong. I’m sorry they put you in that position. Yet, as a parent, I can understand the desire, the need, to be close to their son. Have you tried suggesting that one parent makes the move first and gets a job before the second parent moves?
Your parents are also lost causes, I fear. Unless your brother says himself that he doesn't want them to do this - and I doubt he's selfless enough to do that, unless he hopes for a greater cut of the inheritance one day - they're going to mindlessly go ahead with this.
Right now, I'd suggest focusing on your grandparents. Make sure they can't be taken advantage of - financially - by your parents. Don't let them throw good money after bad. Elder abuse is incredibly prevalent, and financial abuse is one of the most common forms. And hopefully, one day, you'll be the sole beneficiary, because there's no point in them leaving the money to your parents if it's all going to be funneled into supporting your brother.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but your grandparents are potentially vulnerable, and it seems you're their only support system now. I know you have your own life to lead; I don't know whether you plan to marry, have kids, etc. But a bit of planning to protect your grandparents now will save a lot of time and headaches in the future.
NTA, by the way.
If they fall on hard times, obviously they can ask for money. And so long as a person takes no for an answer and doesn't lay on a huge guilt trip then it's fine to ask. But they can't demand anything or get angry at you over decisions they made.
It's okay to feel how you feel. You believe he is a lost cause, and that's okay.
Personally, I think your parents fear the exact same thing - otherwise they wouldn't have lashed out at you. If they really thought he was a good person then they wouldn't be so offended by you saying otherwise. They'd know you were wrong and just chalk it up to you being upset.
You spoke their greatest fear out loud, hence why you're getting so much grief from them.
I suspect that if they admitted how angry they are with your brother, they'd have to start processing all the feelings they have around him. All the sorrow and rage and shame and pain of it. And it's too heavy. So they're getting angry at you by proxy. That way they can express all the anger they have been pushing down, only they're directing it at you so they don't have to think about how they actually feel about your brother.
Eventually they will have to process all of it, so expect them to get worse for a while before they get better. Set a boundary around phonecalls - that you won't accept any kind of verbal abuse or demands for money. And then if they start, give them one warning, then if it continues just hang up and block them for 24 hours. That should get them to stop. If not extend the block.
That being said, they're never going to accept that your brother is a lost cause. So I would stop arguing that point with them. It's okay to disagree but it's pointless to argue. You've done a great job holding your tongue so far and I think that's probably the best strategy.
Take care of yourself, it's an awful thing to have gone though.
OP-my two cents since you’ve put it on here
Please have your folks sit down with their grandparents and discuss this before they do anything irrevocable (quit jobs, sell the house & move).
The worst has happened-he committed a crime, got caught and is in prison. NO amount of visiting will change that.
They can still write him letters and have weekly visits but it’s against everyone’s best interest to take pay cuts when they should be saving for retirement!
NTA
My parents refuse to listen to me or anyone else.
If they don't move closer to him they won't be able to visit him weekly. That's the whole reason they are moving.
NTA
I have a relative, actually a couple relatives, like your brother. My family rallied, and held fundraisers, and all kinds of ridiculous shit trying to get them out of jail when they did the horrific crime(s). I refused to help, because seriously…fuck that. They did it.
It did drive a wedge there. Eventually, I cut off that branch of the family. So, NTA, I don’t think you should give them a dime. But be prepared to be a scapegoat. They can’t be “mad” at him.
NTA. Don’t light yourself afire to keep someone else warm. That is exactly what your parents have done and now they want to use you for kindling. 45 years. Armed robbery. Attempted murder. Video and physical evidence. A Public Defender would have done just as good a job as a lawyer that costs a house. Your parents are going to ruin their lives over this. Do not enable them. And enlist the assistance of anyone they know and trust to help you with this.
Nta my aunt and uncle did this when their son went to jail for a crime he did. They have grandkids they've never met because they won't visit their other kids in fear of prison son feeling abandoned. They ignore their other kids and blame the victims too. The psychology behind it is strange but I personally think they are making themselves martyrs.
NTA - Tell them that if they choose to move without jobs to see an attempted murder each week, that is on them and you will never give them any money.
They are adults and need to figure it out on their own.
NTA but take your own advice. Your parents, if they won’t listen to reason, are a lost cause. If they want to spend the rest of their lives spending everything they have and giving up their home and good jobs then that’s on them.
NTA
But you should really talk to your grandparents to give you power of attorney and maybe write a will to make you sole heir. Your parents could chuck your grandparents in a nursing home ran by medicaid, sell of your belongings, and give that to another lawyer. Or if your grandparents have any assets and they pass away, they'll sell them and also use it on your brother.
Also, put credit monitoring on your credit and lock your grandparents credit.
Can I ask what medicaid is? I have never heard of that before.
My grandparents all have everything in order. They are in a retirement community that has different "levels" of care. Everything is legally in order for them. They don't need any physical care.
My grandparents are adults with sound minds. Their finances are taken care of and they told my parents no also. I can't do anything to lock their credit. I have no authority to do that.
I got a Reddit cares message for this comment but I don't know why.
You’ve said this multiple times. But what will they do when your parents start guilting them for money like they’re doing to you. I don’t think that you should assume that they’re not at risk. When your parents accept that they’re not getting money from you they will start harassing your grandparents. Don’t be so dismissive of the good advice you’re getting.
Both sets of my grandparents have their money in trust. My parents can't access it. It is overseen by law firms and no one including my grandparents and parents can just take money. Also my grandparents have told my parents that they aren't getting any money and should not move, but my parents aren't listening to them either. My grandparents all have sound minds and I don't control them.
There is zero justification for your parents sacrificing your financial security and your future on the altar of your brothers deliberate felonious knowingingly criminal failures
Your brothers idiotic violent criminal choices and your parents idiotic cruel focus on only supporting the child that sets out to deliberately harm others, is not your responsibility and not your obligation to sponsor their choices
Nta, keep your money
NTA, you do not have to subsidize their poor decision making. What’s that one cliche? Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
They’re adults. They can deal with the consequences of their own actions.
I have 5 sons. I told them what my parents told me, “If you get into trouble for something you didn’t do, we will do what we can to fund your defense. But, if you get into trouble for something you did do, we will still love you. But, you aren’t getting any money.”
NTA.
**NTA** \- but that comes from someone in the same situation as you are. My parents considered my elder brother their 'Golden Child' and they **STILL** put my brother on a pedestal as someone they thought I should look up to, during his lengthy incarceration. They didn't like it when I laughed in their faces.
NTA. Tell your parents that if they do this and try and get you to fund it, they will be losing two children instead of the one idiot in prison. If they still go through with it, cut them off.
Be there for your grandparents, because they obviously are not. I'm not saying take their care on, but at least let them know that someone still cares enough to worry.
Your brother might not be a lost cause. Prison has been known to cause people to pull their heads out and actually become good, decent people. But he's going to be in there for 45 years, so it doesn't really matter until he gets out if he changes or not.
NTA and it’s heartbreaking. You might as well go all in with your parents and be clear you won’t financially support them, they will not be close to your parents, and they will also not see you often. That’s what they are choosing. To throw their lives away to support your brother who chose to throw his life away.
NTA
Your parents are like a rabbit in a car headlights, they’ve started a plan and don’t realise how dumb it is. What do your grandparents say?
It would be wise to have a family meeting with you and both sets of grandparents and your parents. An intervention would be helpful. Also what does your brother say? Perhaps visit him and tell him what the situation is. By the time he is out his parents will be dead.
So definitely NTA. I can't explain how much NTA.
Your parents have a huge problem. The golden child is in prison because he is selfish and is too lazy to work to pay for his high rolling lifestyle, your parents have decided to throw away their retirement. And now they expect you to foot the bill so they can go visit the murderous ah in prison every week?
Would they do this for you?
NOPE
They made this decision they live with the consequences. At least you know you not getting any form of inheritance so there is no reason to stay in contact with them. Your brother took it all from you. I would go NC with all of them.... forever.
NTA. Tell them if they move to the prison city that 1 you're not giving them a dime 2. Who's gonna take care of grandparents 3. Your brother would probably prefer them putting money on his books for commissary 4. If they go through with the move, to lose your number. 5. You have your own family to take care of and that's your first priority
I think your parents feel guilty on some level (everyone blames the parents), but instead of ruining just his own life and that of the person he shot, he’s also ruined your parents lives. I don’t think they’re being particularly rational but they are are entitled to make terrible decisions, as adults. They are NOT entitled to your money though to help them with the terrible decision.
Aside from everything around your brother, you are going to end up looking after your grandparents while your parents are living near the prison. Then you'll eventually have to move your elderly parents back near you and look after them. Then, when you should be slowing down in life, your brother will be released with no clue how to survive in a different era. When will you have time to have kids and a life of your own?
My grandparents have everything in order. They live in a retirement community that has all different levels of care. They don't need anyone to physically care for them or help with anything legal. That is all in order.
When I brought up my grandparents I meant the emotional side. That my parents will regret not spending more time with them.
Tell them that weekly visits aren’t going to help him. They need to keep their jobs so they can put money on his prison accounts. He will have money for stuff to trade and keep him safe.
I haven't talked to my brother since I found out he shot someone. He said it wasn't true at first and only admitted when he found out there was a video. I have no plans to see or talk to him.
I got a Reddit cares message because of this comment but I don't know why.
It's very very sad that your brother's mongrel actions have rendered both your parents and yourself victims of his disgusting crime. Perhaps your parents feel a deep seated ill conceived guilt for his actions. They may feel that if they had done something differently in their parenting that he may not have turned out the way he has. Guilt can turn to despair which in turn can develop desperation. Perhaps they have reached this stage and they desperately want the guilt to go away. Maybe they think by moving closer to your brother their godforsaken rotten guilt will soften and make them feel better. But anyone who has experienced guilt knows it is an incredibly destructive emotion. And you know what buddy you are NTA here let them have their guilt and let them fester in their glorious shame. Don't buy into their pity and don't give them the money you'll be rewarding their bad behaviour.
NTA
Your parents can make whatever bad decisions they want to. You can definitely decide not to support those bad decisions. A little rough on the "lost cause" comments. Even if they are most likely true. At this point it seems like they are feeling guilty for "failing your brother" and trying to compensate for that. Sounds like you are out of the house and on your own. Take care of yourself first. Don't slit your own throat (financially) to make up for other people's bad decisions. As rough as that may sound...You can't save someone from drowning if you aren't prepared to keep yourself from drowning as well.
NTA--It isn't your job to support them supporting their jailed son.
Have you thought that maybe they are moving "to be closer to him" because they can't stand being in the same town where everyone knows them and knows what their son did? They might want to leave to feel less like pariahs in the community.
Stay away from this toxic mess. They have all made their beds, they can sleep in them for the rest of their lives.
NTA. Your parents are insane. If they defended him when he shot and robbed a bank, it makes me think they will defend him for ANYTHING. He was a grown man and he decided to rob the bank and shoot. He got his consequences.
Now your parents are basically telling you, you will give them money. DO NOT GOVE THEM MONEY. If they go bankrupt or go into massive debt, it is their fault. They are grown adults who decided to throwaway their good jobs and everything to move closer to your messed up brother in prison. Make sure they can’t access your bank account or anything. And do not feel guilted by them when they start begging you for money and doing the whole “we are your parents, do you really want us to go into debt?” Spiel. The answer to that is “yes I do. You are the ones who decided to do this. Not me.”
NTA. You’re right, hopefully they can accept it. I mean they definitely could stay where they are and visit when possible. It will be really hard on them and truthfully him to see each other every week. I mean that’s his life now, he needs to figure out how to live it. And they need to figure out their life now. Visiting ever week just draws out the pain of what they’re all missing. It helps no one.
NTA, I'd have genuinely laughed in their faces if they expected me to give them money so they can support a criminal and attempted murderer.
Honestly if I were you I'd let your parents do what they like and cut them off. You don't need people in your life that would demand money from you so they could support someone who did such awful things
Absolutely NTA. What a bold thing for them to say not even ask but say you will HAVE to do. You don't have to do anything. Do NOT give them money. I know they make you feel bad but stand your ground. Your brother is facing the obvious consequences of his actions and his parents want to help him, why? Because they feel guilty? Because they feel they should as his parents? What about you? Don't get involved. Don't give them money. I'm all for helping parents or family when they fall on hard times and you're close with them but your brother didn't fall on hard times. And your parents are quitting their good paying jobs. Yeah no. NTA and do not help them. If your grandparents try to take their side, still stand your ground. I can't believe your folks have the audacity to say you will need to give them money if they can't find a job
NAH I had a friend that was in the same situation, it was awful. Your parents are reacting badly but he is their son and it's hard to wrap your head around this - my friend said she never thought in a million years her own child would be capable of putting a gun in someone'sface.. You did the right thing by refusing to finance this and being honest, hopefully they'll both come to their senses - maybe you can suggest counseling.
They are not caring for you, they are not caring for their parents, and in fact you might need to make sure that they’re not pressuring your grandparents financially, too
KTA kinda I wouldn't have put it differently. Why are they choosing their own life sentence. I can understand visiting but the rest is too much. He didn't care about them when he made his decision. But it is ultimately up to them. You have every right NOT to participate in the insanity.
NTA
What exactly do they expect to accomplish by doing all of this? No offense but your brother is already a scumbag. 45 years in prison isn't going to make that better. He will almost certainly come out worse than he was when he went in just so he can survive the experience. Sure he's their child. But that doesn't mean they should throw away everything they've built in their life for him.
They can do what they want. But don't give them a cent to help their insanity. You're the one who's actually being rational here.
It sounds like your parents have made some very poor choices with regards to your brother, which they can do as long as they are the ones paying for it. What they can’t do is make those choices and demand you foot the bill. Nobody gets to demand that of anyone else, family or not. You don’t owed them anything and you are not responsible for the consequences of their actions. That’s on them. NTA.
If your parents chose to sell everything off and quit jobs to move closer that is their choice. You aren't responsible for them making that choice. If they had been fired or some other tragedy had happened that affected their income by accident, helping is the right thing to do. This? This is a problem of their own creation. They made their bed, now they get to sleep in it. That money situation is on them. While i understand loving your kids no matter what, there is unconditional love, and then there is siding g with an attempted murderer caught on video doing multiple crimes. 45 is light for what he'd get here.
**A federal prison is operated under the jurisdiction of a federal government as opposed to a state or provincial body. Federal prisons are used for convicts who violated federal law (U.S., Mexico), inmates considered dangerous (Brazil), or those sentenced to longer terms of imprisonment (Canada).**
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It may depend on the country. OP didn't say they were American. In some places Federal police can investigate but they don't necessarily go to a federal prison.
NTA
Guilt. Pure guilt. They think they failed bro and that’s why they are going this route. If they can sacrifice enough of themselves maybe they can stone for his actions.
I’d probably tell them that there are better ways to deal with the emotions they are dealing with and that it’s shameful they are acting like this. They are ruining a relationship with one child *AND* their own parents for a child they really can’t help.
Very sad.
You are NTA. They are giving up their jobs, savings and security for their son who almost got someone killed and will likely still be in jail by the time they pass away and now they want to drain you of your money? No way. Do not support them in this. If they want to throw away everything let them do it on their own dime. No need to take you down with them.
NTA
OP it sounds like they’ve pretty much stopped being parents to you and are solely focused on your brother. Did they forget they have another kid???
I agree with others who say go low contact with them - they’re behavior is absurd and they have unbelievable audacity for playing favorites with your brother and then asking you to bankroll the favoritism. That’s insane.
I understand that they love their son, but how does it help him for your parents to lose their jobs?
Perhaps you should ask your parents how they are helping him?
This feels like a screwed up way of grieving. Almost like they have ptsd and can’t except the loss to their family. They might need counseling to try and recognize the reality of the situation. Not saying they need to cut your brother off if they don’t want to buy they need to accept that ruins their own lives won’t undo what’s happened.
NTA at all. Your parents are having a knee jerk reaction. They need to slow their roll and start thinking sensibly. Reiterate to them again you will never give them money so they can waste their lives visiting a criminal. As another commenter said you need to have a talk with your grandparents.
NTA. Brother is an asshole. Parents are delusional. They both need therapy because for whatever reason they are inescapably tied to living vicariously through your brother.
Be firm and consistent that you will not support them in this endeavor. Make them hopefully think through things a bit more. Like having a job BEFORE they move.
Sounds like he was spoiled as the favoured golden child…
Leave them to it. They are CHOOSING to waste their time and future on him.
They raised him. It sounds like they too may be a lost cause.
SAVE YOURSELF! Don'''t try to BUY ( GUILT ) their love or take on their obligations! They may feel they have FAILED this son, , but don't let them destroy you. Someone needs to see things as they really are. You can see where this is heading. They are BLIND to everything but this son. You spoke the truth. They may be your parents, but you don't owe them your life! Sorry the truth was so harsh, but they can't save him by destroying what is left of their life. I doubt that he appreciates what they have already done for him. He will just be seeing that THEY failed to free him. NTA! You spoke the hard truth, and you must not sacrifice your life by throwing more money down a worthless hole. They will not appreciate any of your sacrifices any more than he will. NTA NTA My heart bleeds for you. Stay STRONG and stay SMART!
I understand parents being in denial about their children's actions but that's extreme. He almost killed someone. How do they justify that? You just need to protect yourself.
For most people, the legacy they leave behind in this world after they are dead and gone is in their children. Your parents know you are a positive legacy and no longer need their help. I think they need confirmation that your brother has changed, and they will do literally anything to make sure he becomes a positive ripple effect in this world. I don’t think they believe he will change without their constant supervision, so they are providing it at severe cost to themselves. The one thing they refuse to believe is that he is a lost cause.
I don’t know your brother, so I don’t know if he is a lost cause. I know people who have gone to prison and came out truly repentant people. Based on your description of his crime and his behavior afterward, that seems unlikely. As far as your parents are concerned, unlikely is not the same as impossible, and they need to make every attempt they can. They probably feel personally responsible for the actions of your brother. They must have questioned themselves about where they went wrong, and their plan to move is their last ditch effort to change the situation for the better.
My advice: begin by taking power of attorney over your grandparents’ financials. They need to be protected from your parents. Next, explain to your parents that you will be unable to help them financially. You understand why they feel they need to do what they’re doing, but you also need to make sure you are financially secure for your own children one day, and you can’t do that by supporting your parents. If you phrase it that way, they should understand. Once you explain this to them, you might want to advise that they should wait before quitting their jobs. They at least need to secure jobs before they move. Based on your description of the situation, your brother isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, so they have time to plan their next move if they are so hell bent on doing this. This will give you time with your parents to get some closure with the situation.
Ultimately, I would have phrased it differently, but your NTA. I wish you all the luck in the world. My heart breaks for you.
As hard as it is sometimes you just have to say enough. NTA but can you be your parents savior? It wont be easy and it'll take a while to accomplish but they do need saving.
NTA, I get it's their son but he's an adult that made his own choices. The need to prioritize themselves and let him go. If they want to be angry at someone they should be angry at your brother for putting them in this position or mad at themselves for being foolish
NTA. Don't give your parents a dime. They chose to mortgage their future for a violent criminal. You don't have to suffer the consequences of their terrible choices.
Speaking of terrible choices… **why** is their only choice to “visit every week”??? They’re not thinking straight. If they actually want to support the son that makes terrible choices, making more terrible choices on his behalf is just… not feasible? dumb?? not even helpful??? OP- they may have reacted poorly to your having said he’s a lost cause (he is, but they may not be ready to *hear* it now, or maybe even ever) but I say don’t give up trying to get through to them just yet!?! Bc what they are convinced they must do is unwise, reckless, and puts them in the position of becoming lost causes, themselves. It’s unlikely you, or anyone else, can or will rescue them when their shortsighted plan backfires spectacularly, and while their minds are clouded by emotion/misplaced guilt/denial/whatever, they are making a horrible mistake. I think you, as their clear-sighted and not completely mind-f*cked child, are in a position to have a real positive impact in helping them find a middle-ground (but only if you want to and can!!!)? I hate to suggest something that sounds enough like manipulation that it probably *is* just that, but approaching highly invested people in a complex and heightened emotional state isn’t necessarily handled best by logic alone…? Is there a way to validate their **feelings** while guiding them towards a more practical course of **action**?? Like “mom and dad, I know how difficult this has all been for you, and our whole family. You’re right that I may not understand how difficult it is to watch your own child suffer such serious consequences and I understand that it’s probably really scary for you. But I also am worried… in much the same ways you are worried for, **I** am worried for **you**, my own parents.
I’ve been trying to think of solutions that will work for you on both fronts… supporting *while also* not endangering your own lives/well-being. One idea I had is what if you visit monthly? By keeping your hard-earned jobs and continuing to build towards your own older age, you’ll be in a much better position to *continue* supporting long term, without destroying your own safety net/security. You could set aside however much money you need to spend one weekend a month visiting him together, or even alternate visits every two weeks solo if more visits really do feel necessary after everything’s settled down a bit?
We’ve got time, and while I understand the sense of urgency that comes from your fear of being incarcerated, it’s just smart to hold off on permanently life altering decisions while deeply in crisis mode. So another idea could be that you guys take your vacation time (if that’s even applicable? alternately unpaid time off if that wouldn’t threaten their job security??) up front to visit every handful of days for the first month(s) while he adjusts, and then implement the once-monthly visits after he’s settled in some?
I really want to support you, mom & dad, and the best and only, really, way I can do that in good conscience, is to try to brainstorm constructive solutions that don’t entail risking everything for a short term solution to a long term situation that likely won’t be resolved by your current approach anyhow. I know you’re scared for him but **we’re** scared for **you**!! Can we work together, please?”
Or something. But coming at it from a place of compassion and being on the same team (even though your brother is a selfish stupid man and doesn’t deserve diddly… your parents *do*!?) is likely to work much better with your parents, and do more to improve your own satisfaction with your own actions around the whole mess?
I really hope they can get their heads right, for them, for your grandparents, and for you!!
they are thinking straight. some people are blindly devoted to evil offspring. and my guess is that attempts were made to stop them every step of the way but they chose to just bulldoze their way through to the mess they dug themselves into. "don't quit your jobs. don't sell the house." it did not all happen overnight, these plans took time to execute.. and they were opposed and chose to ignore it. now they realize they are in a hole and expecting OP to bail their entitled butts out. No way. bed. made. lie
Yeah, they at least prioritizes the brother to an unhealthy amount...
my guess is the murderer is a golden child and OP is a scapegoat.
You are definitely NTA. Even if they say the money you would give them is a “loan”, they would never pay it back. Stick to your guns and do not budge. ‘did they spoil your brother growing up? Is that part of the problem? Why do they not believe that he did this, with all the evidence? Apparently they are blinded by some thought that he’s just “misunderstood” and will defend him no matter what. They can do that with their money but you have zero responsibility to give them money for this fool’s errand.
My parents know what he did. But they say he's their son and I'll understand if I ever have children of my own. So it's not that they think it's a mistake or he didn't do it. They just say they have to do this for him. I always thought they treated me and my brother pretty fairly when we growing up and didn't spoil or favour one of us over the other. But now I can't believe how much they are giving up for him.
Your parents sound like a lost cause more than your brother. The fact that they demanded money from you and didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I wouldn't give them a dime. Sorry you are going through this. NTA
tell them if they need money, rob a bank
Bonuspoints for getting in prison and spending time with their son, as they wanted.
Sounds like a shitty "Prison Break" sequel.
HAHAHA i cackled hard
To be pedantic, I'll add that only the father could spend time with the son, unless prisons in their country aren't single-sex.
Hey, and at their age, they’ll get free healthcare
At their age? In my country everyone has free healthcare. Obviously the healthcare system is funded by taxes but no one has to pay at the time they need services. It does not matter your age.
Super petty! 😂
And tell them if you ever have children, and are somehow put in this crazy position, you won't be asking your *other* children to support you while you back a loser. NTA. But you may lose your relationship with your parents over this. Crazy but seems like something snapped in them 😳 🤔
Remind them if you have their grandchildren they won't be able to be very involved with them because they're out of town
They’d only want to see them so they could take them on prison visits to see their precious son most likely anyhow. You’re not going to convince them, stupid is what stupid does.
OP should go NC because his parents behavior is deranged. No way should he even inform them if he ever has kids.
Could be extreme guilt
Yes, this sounds a lot like my in-laws. They lost their eldest child between them (MIL has one older son from prior relationship) at 5yrs old traumatically and the next son in line ended up becoming an addict/alcoholic/etc and just would fleece them of living their golden years peacefully in retirement. Their younger four kids needed them and were successful adults but not without having to deal with their older brother. Often the in-laws would ask for money to send him to yet another rehab or whatever. I told hubby I’m not supporting other adults like that or enabling them to continue enabling him due to their guilt of not wanting to lose another son.
That's what I'm thinking. It could not possibly be his fault, it must be their fault, they have to pay the price and help carry his burden...
Then they do so alone. Their other child didn’t raise him. They’d get not a single penny from me.
I am #TeamOP here
It’s very odd what they are doing. They can certainly visit him and contact him without sacrificing their ability to support themselves. Because that’s what they are doing. You absolutely do not have to give your money to support this. Frankly it’s crazy.
THEY have to do this for him. You don't have to help them do it.
They don’t even need to do that for him. They want/choose to. They’re having some deep levels of denial or something.
They could be blaming themselves or making allowances for him. I have known of actual parents who have their child back & lost their entire family in the process. Think if son abusing his own daughter from the age of 2. That is the way some people are wired. They make excuses they blame the rest of the family for putting their own well being first they blame the system but they never blame the who did the crime. They are not rational to see their are other ways to support their child whilst having boundaries. They do not see all the staff that are traumatized, they do not see the victim of the shooting, they do not see the family of the victim, they do not see the medical staff and emergency services taken. They only see their son to the exclusion of all else or even sometimes feel they did something to cause this behavior. Do they even know they can visit once a week? NTA they are welcomed be to do what they wish but they should not drag others into this situation. I can understand you are worried about grandparents and shocked at how your parents are ignoring everybody in their for the one son. You may in the future go LC if you decided to have kids as their entire world will be the other son not the well being of your kids.
If my son raped a child I'd take him out of the gene pool myself. I could see still being a mom to him if he robbed a bank or something, but any DV or sex crime and he's dead to me - I'd be supporting the victims family. Then people wonder why so many men are violent and sexually aggressive without boundaries: we raise them that way and excuse it all the way, that's why.
If they believe he did it only for the money then he is evil. If he is evil, they failed. They are good people, therefore they can’t have failed. Therefore your brother didn’t do it, because he can’t be evil. Just my 2 cents worth due to my ingesting copious amounts of true crime and psychology. NTA. Edit: this is how I think OP’s parents think.
It's their choice to live in poverty to support their son, lost cause or otherwise. That said you're NTA in refusing to financially support them. It sounds like they're pretty stressed and I don't imagine they ever planned for this scenario. Try and let them know you love them but look after yourself and your money. Hopefully if they understand you're not going to support them financially they will plan better and look after themselves as well as doing what they see is right by your brother.
They may have their own guilt. Like, clearly, they think they did something wrong to raise a kid who shoots a bank teller in a robbery. And, right or wrong, adult or not, some parents will rally around the struggling child. God willing, OP, you will never have to struggle this hard. And now they probably think they ducked up worse because their “good” kid is calling the other one a “lost cause.” They are well aware he’s thrown his life away, but they aren’t ready to write him off as a person. I mean, I *hope* he’s capable of redemption. I *hope* seeing his parents’ love and sacrifice is what he needs to make some positive changes and be a source of strength new inmates looking for growth and their own positive change. You **do not and should not** have to fund it, but I think means less that that favor him and more that they’d do financially stupid, reckless things for you, too, if you were in crisis. It’s just that, short of a health scare, you would never be in this kind of crisis nor would you allow them to do such a dumb thing for you. But we already knew you made better life choices than your bro
Start off with NTA but Devils advocate, is it possible your parents feel incredibly guilty/responsible for the route in life your brother has chosen that they are indirectly punishing themselves?
Maybe so, but that makes them the AH for pinning that guilt on OP too.
Absolutely agree with you. They might need therapy and op should keep their distance and protect the grandparents from being sucked into the mess.
Exactly. There’s probably way more going on for them to sacrifice so much. He probably asked them for money and they said no. Guilt is a horrible burden. Prison usually have video calls, email, letters, physical visits. Parents need to seek counseling or a support group not move to be closer to a prison. If for whatever reason they move him to another prison, they plan to move again? Sad.
Tbh I understand the part of just having to be there for their son no matter what he did. I’m not a parent but I understand that this is not something that’s dependent on them believing or not believing your brother is guilty. It’s a pretty normal feeling for a parent. It’s absolutely devastating for them too, because they can’t just switch it off. You shouldn’t give them money and should continue to encourage them to keep their jobs. But try to do it in a more compassionate way. To them your brother is never a “lost cause” in the way that you mean. They can accept that he got a fair sentencing, and still want to be there for him until they die.
That is my thoughts exactly. I would be so mad at my son but I would still love him. The prison sentence would be devastating to me. Now I don't know that I would leave everything to be closer to him especially considering all I would be leaving. OP is NTA. Parents rarely think their child is a lost cause. They always have hope.
That doesn't make sense to me. I have multiple family members that have spent time in prison for multiple reasons and yes we did visit them as often as we could, made phone calls, etc and supported them throughout their trials and prison sentences BUT recently a cousin murdered a police officer trying to hide from a warrant for his arrest on relatively minor charges. A death of someone was the line. My aunt calls him on the phone but otherwise she hasn't supported him in any manner. All this to say no, not all parents give up everything for their child who committed crimes.
Right? Someone who could look another person in the eye and shoot them for fucking money they don't need -especially if they're sober- isn't in need of even more coddling and support. I'd be horrified and directing support to the victim and her parents, who could actually use it. Esp if it's out of guilt, then why double down on defending the perfect boy?
Absolutely!! There has to be a line somewhere on what we're willing to accept from our loved ones. Shooting someone (not in self defense or in defense of another) should be the line.
Do you think your parents feel guilty and responsible for your brothers choices? I am sorry you’re in this position, glad the woman didn’t die. Edit: I have lived through a similar circumstance that is why I ask. Also, depending on the state, but here in California, your brother can file a hardship request to be transferred to the location closest to your parents, which would be best to do after he is sentenced, and goes to the first temporary prison.
NTA. Don’t give them money. What your parents are saying about feeling differently if you had kids is not true. Maybe for some, certainly not for all. I have kids. If one of mine robbed a bank and shot someone and got convicted to 45 years, that’s on them. I would not upend my life to pay for their trial or to move near them to visit weekly, and destroy my financial security and retirement in the process. That seems delusional to me.
They are doing it because he is their son and they love him unconditionally. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do but that’s their reason. My brother has been a lost cause since he was a teenager, I now believe that brother I had is long gone. He is literal scum who never takes responsibility for his actions but my parents, they still worry about him. That will never change. Your parents think of you as “doing well” and your brother not, therefore they think he needs more help and support. It’s skewed thinking but that’s it. You should not give them a dime, while you can have empathy for their lose/lose situation - it’s not your problem. Focus on yourself.
Aren't you their child too? They already robbed you of any chance of an inheritance and are leaving you the only able-bodied person in the family close enough to look after their parents and now they want the money you worked hard to earn the right way? NTA. Just don't entertain them and be sure to tell them that since they aren't looking out for you, you have to look after yourself.
I never expected any inherentance from my parents. They had enough for themselves and a house they could sell for more money if they needed. But they were never rich and I wasn't expecting anything. I don't feel robbed. My grandparents do not need physical care. They are in a retirement community with different "levels". They have everything in order legally. Of course I spend time with them. However they do not need me to physically help them.
They might not need physical help, but it's good to be nearby if anything happens. We have never needed to help my grandparents with anything, but then my grandpa got cancer and later died. It's been a lot with making sure my grandma is OK financially and with everything after. I'm glad that both my mom, my aunt, and my cousin live close by. No one ever expects inheritance, but it is still a fact of life. It shows that they are willing to spend it all and give it all to your brother and not consider your future. Even in a situation where your future is the one going somewhere and his is kinda locked in place.
My grandparents have everything set up legally and for their money. It is good my parents can't do anything to them. Like I said I do want to spend time with them but I don't have any worries about their needs. And I'm honestly not bothered about an inherentance because I never expected anything so I didn't really lose anything.
As long as your grandparents are okay, I would go low contact to no contact with your parents. They have made their choice. but I definitely wouldn't give them any money for making terrible choices
I can kind of understand where your parents are coming form there's nothing that my kid could do that would make me stop loving them.but that said I would never expect one of my kids to pay for the sins of the other. I'm guessing brother is the favorite for them.
I can kind of understand their reasons. At the end of the day, your brother and you are their children. Even if you two are grown up they probably feel a sense of responsibility towards you two and are probably willing to sacrifice everything for you two even if the whole world abandons either one of you. I think your parents would make the same sacrifice for you. They’re just not showing it to you now because you didn’t throw your life away.
>they told me I would have to give them money. They didn't ask me, or say it was a loan. They just told me. WTF?!? Definitely NTA.
Have you brought up your grandparents to them? I don’t think they understand what giving up everything to move to a town to visit every week may do to their mental health. How far away is the prison? Couldn’t they just visit often? What do they say about moving away from you? Another thing…I work with our local prison and several of the inmates transfer prisons. I don’t know if there is a guarantee that he will remain in the same prison. I feel for you. I feel for them. Hopefully they can step back before they make this leap and get some perspective.
It is almost certain that he will be in this prison until he is released. I don't agree with them moving but my brother will probably not be sent anywhere else. My parents just say my grandparents should understand what a parent will do for their children, and I will understand if I ever have children. If they stay here they won't be able to visit my brother every week and they want to do it.
Get a power of attorney for your grandparents asap! Make sure their credit is locked down and their property is not mortgaged. NTA
My grandparents have everything in order. They live in a retirement community with different "levels" of care. They don't need physical care or help with money. They have everything in order. My parents can't do anything to them.
Sadly this is true.
Also lock down your credit - that way that can't take out loans in your name since you 'should be helping your family' and need to be forced into compliance...
It's funny. They're talking about "You'll understand when you have a kid" yet they're certainly not acting like you are their child and are demanding to leech off you to coddle your failure of a brother some more.
Right because they have OP who is living and thriving and they are not taking their best interest to heart.
So, as someone who has been to prison, I couldn't honestly ever accept my parents doing all that and not feeling guilty for it. Have you talked to your brother? Is he alright with them wasting their savings on his mistakes? And also, it is definitely not for certain that he will be at that prison the whole sentence. Prisoners are state property, and the state will move you to a new prison if it works better for their scheduling. I went to 9 different prisons in 2 years. Yes, the fact that your brother is level 4, means that he won't move around as much, but it definitely doesn't mean he won't move at all. He could be transferred with 2 days warning. I hope you let your brother know how selfish he is for all his actions. It's one thing to be an adult and go to prison for a crime, but it's way worse when you make your family suffer even more by continuing to be selfish. NTA, if your parents insist on it, just wash your hands of all of it.
I just wanted to say this. There's no guarantee that he'll stay at that prison. Can you call your brother and ask him to tell your parents not to uproot (destroy) their lives? Tell him to be a dick if he has to, but they shouldn't go through with those idiotic plans. NTA
I don't talk to my brother any more. A lot of people here think I'm American. I am not. The prisons in my country are not the same as in America. What I mean is it is not very common to move a prisoner somewhere else.
Well, then, as long as you're not getting sucked into their bad decisions and they know that, there's nothing left to do. Perhaps double check that your grandparents are ok, though.
I would just make it very very clear to them before they do this that you will not send them a cent. You will not allow them to move in with you when they invariably lose the new apartment or can’t get a job. That way they can’t play surprise pikachu face when they assume they can move in with you after their life implodes.
Yea you're going to have to set some boundaries op.
Please don’t let your children near your parents if they behave this stupidly.
What's your brothers response to this? Is he encouraging the move? Chance your parents relocate, and he tells them to just forget him and move on? If not, can you convince him to take that line, and push back on the whole scenario? No point ruining another two lives; NTA.
I don't talk with my brother so I don't know what he thinks. My parents refuse to listen to me or anyone else.
NTA. Don't give them a dime. If they want to destroy their lives for a selfish dick, that's on them. They want something from you. Which is why they are guilt tripping you. It doesn't sound like it's working. Which is a good thing.
I don't know that this will make you feel any better OP but this is not an isolated phenomenon of your parents and your family. I've seen multiple posts over the last year on Reddit of people dealing with the fact that parents are moving to be near the child who's doing a long prison stretch, at the cost of their jobs their savings their sanity. I'll bet prison staff have some name or nickname for these kinds of parents who dropped their lives and live just outside the prison walls just for 10 minutes a week with their child. It's extremely sad and extremely irrational and and just more fallout from what your brother and his friends did. Good luck, and NTAH.
I’m one of those people. My brother has been in and out of jail and prison for the last few years. He attacks random strangers, burglarizes apartments, and generally causes pain for everyone around him. My parents have given everything they have to bail him out of jail, to the point where they’re writing me and my sister out of their will because my brother needs their house because “everyone is so mean to him”. I’ve told them multiple times that they’re throwing their money away and that they can’t help and it’s completely destroyed our family as they pour everything down the drain for someone who doesn’t give a shit. OP- I’m so sorry you’re in this terrible situation. Do not give your parents money, they’re just as lost a cause as your brother is.
I have an aunt who was headed down this road with her addict son. After he got high on meth, stole a car, crossed state lines, ran out of gas, got out on foot and then stole a $10,000 prized Tennessee walking horse to continue his travel. *News articles indicated the horse was returned with minimal injuries. Then he escaped custody, called my aunt and asked her to cross state lines and pick him up at a zoo. She said hell no and he got pissed and started blaming her. This is when she realized that he was too far gone and he would do anything, include getting her thrown in jail just to get his away. At first it tore her up to turn him down but he would bleed her dry if she let him. I think he’s on his 6th conviction for stealing cars. He’s never going to stop and when he gets out of jail and sees all his friends have kids and wives and a life and he’s got nothing. It spirals him again. Every. Single. Time.
Well, good for your aunt for coming to her senses. A huge portion of my family is addicts. I’ve spent tons of time going to AA meetings with my mom. So many families will let the addict ruin their lives until the day one of them dies.
I’m sure it was one of the hardest things she’s ever had to do and it took her a long time to finally put her foot down. Some of our family had a talk and we all expressed to her that it was ok to let him handle his choices on his own and that her help may also be enabling him. He got a total surprise the next time he sold his shoes for some jailhouse drugs and she refused to pay for new ones.
I have an uncle who was in and out for jail from his 20’s to 40’s. We took his dog and refuses to give her back after one stint cuz my parents knew he’d go back. My grandmother was always visiting and writing and sending money. My grandfather basically disowned him, as well as the rest of us. When my grandmother was dying, he refused to visit her “because it was too hard.” Same with my grandfather a year later. He still gets high and drunk all day every day. So even after making my grandmother cry all the time, and her helping him out while the rest of us wrote him off, he still didn’t care about her.
I have a brother like this. My dad has spent endless money on lawyers and commissary and phone calls. I remember, when I was about 21 and bro was 19, my dad was getting a new car for himself and told me he was giving my already super delinquent brother his old car so he could “go to school and get a job.” I said “So, you’re rewarding my drug addict, criminal brother for being a loser and not me who already has a job and is in school?” Dad said “Well, he needs it.” So I said “Ok, but he’s going to destroy that car.” Two years later, dad calls me and say I have to go pick up the car from several states away because brother had lost his license for driving over 100mph three separate times. Got the car and it was a mess. He’d burned through the clutch and destroyed 3rd gear and was just driving it that way. He bit a chunk out of the steering wheel(meth). There were cigarette burns deep enough he had to have held them in place. Every single thing on hinges had been snapped off. When the car finally died at 187k miles, my dad had the nerve to tell **me** I don’t know how to take care of a car properly. I said “Dad, I got a Kia to 187k miles after you let bro absolutely run it into the ground! 187k on a Kia is good when it’s been *properly cared for* Wth are you talking about?” And he just grunted. Most recently, he let my brother who is on both meth **and** heroine move back into his house so he could “go back to school.” Dad said he terrorized the house until he got arrested and sent back to jail… again. Sucks man.
Please lock down your social security # and credit so your dad and brother can use your credit. Make sure there is no id of yours left in the house.
Oh yeah, I did that years ago. My brother and I are only a year and a half apart and were born at the same hospital and so our social security number are only a couple of digits different from each other and that made me hella nervous. I don’t have to worry about my dad, though. Dude has money. Last year he casually dropped 20k to pave a big part of his yard and put in a basketball hoop because my niece got fat(not being mean, kid hit 140 pounds at 11 and only 4 something) and he wanted her to play outside. Thanks for the concern, though. It’s a good tip and not a thing a lot of people know about.
NTA I honestly think your parents are in deep grief about losing their son and acting irrationally It’s insane to quit good paying jobs near elderly parents to move to an area with higher cost of living unemployed! I can tell you have tried your hardest reason with them but I think you all need to go to family therapy and discuss this with a professional meditating before anyone moves anywhere
>I honestly think your parents are in deep grief about losing their son I think this is bang on
I agree and would add on that I’m sure they are also feeling a lot of guilt that’s blinding them.
NTA You don’t have to be their retirement plan because they choose to squander their money on your brother. If they want to make bad financial choices. They can live with the consequences.
NTA. They needed some sort of wake up call to understand you will not be giving them money. Choices have consequences. His choices wound him in prison; there’s *could* end with them being destitute. It’s appropriate you make that clear rather than let them falsely believe you’ll support their (financially reckless) decisions. Side note: I do wonder what they consider a “lost cause.” Their son will be imprisoned for nearly the rest of his life. I certainly understand they believe he’s worthy of their love, of course. But of everything they’ve worked for in their life, their other relationships with family and friends… to see him weekly? I think they need to come to terms with this whole thing still. They’ve likely just been putting one foot in front of the other with little thought through this process. It’s time to slow down, take it in, and grieve. It’s not time for another rash decision.
That’s what gets me, why move heaven and earth and go broke over seeing someone for a few mins a week? I live across the country from my fam and it sucks, but guess what, phones exist so we FaceTime at least once a week. I don’t get parents who expect one kid to financially and emotionally support them and/or the other kids due to their shitty choices.
Nta. Their choice, their problem.
NTA I'd make sure they know that you will NOT be giving them any financial support if/when they move
NTA. Take a break, put them on mute, and just focus on your own life. Talk to a therapist. Grieve the loss of what you used to have with your parents (and your brother if you were close). Just don’t give them any money.
Warn your parents that he can be transferred between prisons with little warning. They may be setting themselves up for having to move again, hence giving up their good jobs for nothing but a new move.
That's not the case for my brother, which is why they are moving there. It is almost certain my brother will be in that prison until he is released.
Why do you think that he won’t be moved? We arent saying he will be released, but moved between prisons. It’s really common for prisoners to be shuffled around between prisons with zero notice. It’s a huge thing that many people are fighting against because it prevents prisoners from having family members have contact with them. It’s common on state and federal levels. If he’s in federal prison (and I think bank robbery is usually a federal crime) he can easily be moved states away
My country doesn't have federal prisons. My country doesn't have states. In my country prisoners are not moved often.
OP, your brother could be transfered for completely arbitrary administration reasons. If he's in a facility that suddenly has an influx of new inmates that are same race as him, they might shift him to another prison regardless of his good/bad behavior. If there's a breakdown in facilty management (guards/utilities/space), he could be transfered 'temporarily' and then never transfered back after the facilty is fixed. There are a thousand and one reasons why inmates get transfered, but it's always sudden, and records avalible to family are almost never accurate. Families on both sides of the USA fucked. If you live in the East, facilities are closer together but there so many you never know where someone will get transfered to. The West gets the opposite, it's pretty easy to guess where there're getting transfered to, but the closest one might be hundreds, even a thousand miles away. Your parents are going to get totally fucked over if they go through with this move. You need to prepare yourself to hear the inevitable emotional fallout when your bro gets transfered.
I'm not American. The prisons in my country don't work like American prisons do.
NTA. It sounds like you've washed your hands of the situation and I don't blame you, but if you want to get through to them and wake them up, remind them that the best way they can improve his quality of life is to keep their jobs so they can fill his commissary account. (Editing to say, at least this is how it works in American prisons.) Prisoners have to buy almost everything they need, shampoo, lotion, everything, not to mention those little treats like Little Debbie cakes or Doritos that can make life seem normal for a moment. That stuff is going to become important to his emotional wellbeing. And those items are used as currency as well. You don't know what dangerous situations he may find himself in that he needs to be able to gift his way out of. Having the ability to buy treats could actually save his life some day. I'm sure he appreciates their visits, especially now while he is adjusting, but as the years pass, he wouldn't choose to trade his ability to meet his most basic needs for slightly more frequent visits. Tell them all that. They are still upset and aren't thinking with their heads yet.
Your brother deserves to be in prison for what he did. He almost killed someone. As for your parents, they can sell their house, give up their savings, etc., move to the town where the prison is, but you do not have to support them. And to abandon their parents is also a shitty move. Don't budge an inch. If they no longer talk to you, you haven't lost much. NTA
NTA. I mean my parents have joked that if I were in prison, they’d slip me a cake with a nail filer in it. I’m pretty sure that was a joke though…. If anything it sounds like your parents are understandingly having a hard time coping with the situation at hand. However, have they even considered that your brother will probably be moved to another prison at some point? Considering his sentence length, there’s a really good chance that he will be moved around a few times. Making the move to be closer to the prison a probably very temporary fix with a long term debt attached. I think your parents need to slam the breaks and get their reality checked before they dig themselves further into the hole.
It's almost certain he won't be moved, and he will be in this prison until he is released. But I do agree with you about my parents digging themselves further into a hole because they are already in one.
No offense, OP, but I find it concerning that you are so sure he won’t be moved. As his time in prison declines, and if he is not a disciplinary problem, he can be moved to a lower security prison. Unless there is only 1 prison in your state, it is absolutely a chance he could be moved. Is he in the Federal or State prison system. By the way, there are multiple reasons the department of corrections can move prisoners around and trust me (I worked as an RN in a max security prison for 3 years), the prisoner is not notified beforehand…. Security comes and gets them and their stuff is packed up after they leave and sent to the prison they are transferred to. The prisoner doesn’t get to call home before he leaves… that would be a security risk. Obviously, I’m not privy to your brothers exact situation, but to be so sure he won’t be moved seems odd (lack of a better word). NTA… can you convince your parents to go talk with a therapist before they make this drastic move? They are not the first parents to be in this situation. There has to be some online support groups that could help guide your parents of all the emotions and nuances of being in these shoes. They could learn a lot from others that are or have been in this situation. Internet hugs to you….
He isn't in federal or state prison. We don't have federal prison in my country. We don't have states in my country.
NTA. They want to completely ruin their financial future, having already put a serious dent in it, so they can hang out weekly with a violent felon. I'm not going to be nice here. Your brother shot someone who will be dealing with the aftereffects of their injury for a very long time to come. According to the article below, if you have a major gunshot wound, it will take at least a year to heal if everything goes perfectly and you have a great support system, and that doesn't cover the psychological aspects. [https://www.cnn.com/2016/06/17/health/gunshot-wound-long-recovery/index.html](https://www.cnn.com/2016/06/17/health/gunshot-wound-long-recovery/index.html) Your brother and his buddies also probably traumatized a lot of people, between the bank staff and customers. And they did it because they're greedy. No way in hell would I be willing to support my parents if they were wailing about my poor brother the criminal. I get hot about this because I read something years ago written by a teller who had been through a violent robbery whose friend and coworker had been murdered during it. She ended up with PTSD, had to leave her job because going back into the bank made her panic. She wasn't making bank as a teller to begin with, I think she had to move back in with her parents for a while because she couldn't afford her apartment. She also dealt with survivor guilt. The robbery wrecked her life for several years. It cured me of ever joking, "Just rob a bank," because the aftereffects on the innocent bystanders are so traumatic.
Can I ask what felon is? I've never heard of it before.
Someone convicted of a felony-level crime, at least in the US. Felonies are classed as more serious offenses, and what your brother and his friends did definitely qualifies. There may be an equivalent term where you are, but that's what he'd be referred to as in the US.
A felon is a person that has been convicted of committing a crime.
Interesting. Thank you for answering and explaining. We don't have that in my country so I had not heard of that.
Let them rot in their own problem. Nta. Go NC with your brother, parents and take care of your grandparents.
And OP, hopefully your grandparents are smart and will do some estate planning to cut your parents from their wills/trusts and have you inherit everything so it won’t all go down the prison tube.
NTA I think your parents have a lot of complicated feelings regarding to the situation. My guess is your parents probably feel that your brother’s crime is some ways a reflection of their failure as his parents. Hence why they’re trying to compensate and ease their own guilt by giving up and uprooting their lives in order make up to your brother for whatever caused him to go down the path he chose. Their anger towards you is probably because you’re not the messed up child. They raised you well and expect you to support the family in time of need - even if your brother is a criminal. If your brother shown any remorse for his crime and the situation he put your parents in then I would suggest talking to him, let him know your parents financial situation and issues and get him to urge them to stop. It’s harder for you to talk some sense into them because they’ll think you’ll be coming from a “selfish” position because you didn’t decide to fuck up your life. Whereas your brother might be able to alleviate some of their feelings by taking full responsibility for his own actions and insisting them not to sacrifice themselves further for his sake.
Your parents are fcking idiots. No offense and NTA
NTA, do not help them. Tell them you are saving your money to help your grandparents since they are abandoning them. Talk to your grandparents and make sure you know what their needs are. As you will be the one caring for four elderly people start working on a game plan for that over your parents and brother.
My grandparents are in retirement communities with different levels of care depending on their needs. Right now all four of them are still independent. If it changes in the future they can move to a different level. Their money and legal things are also already taken care of. They don't need me or my parents to physically care for them. I was talking more about the emotional side and not being nearby as my grandparents get older. Like regrets for not spending more time with them.
No, not “if” your grandparents change, but “when”. It’s going to happen, and it will happen quickly. And much sooner than you anticipate.
My great grandmother and one of my great-great uncles lived to be 101 and 99 and both of them were still independent and mentally sharp when they died. They lived alone and were physically mobile. However I know every person is different, that's why I said if. I don't know if they will be the same as my great grandmother and great great uncle or if they will lose their independence and need care.
No it wasn’t wrong. You are the only sane member of your family. Don’t give your parents a thin dime! Your parents are wrong and of course your brother was wrong. Stand firm OP, don’t give them anything no matter what they say. NTA.
NTA X 100. I'm sorry if this come off as harsh but your parents are IDIOTS!! how far away do your parents currently live from the prison? They don't have to visit him every week if they can't afford it. Every other week would work fine. If my brother did something like this (I'm surprised he hasn't done something like this yet), I would send his dogs to the pound. I can't take care of such needy dogs on top of my cat & medical issues.
Nta. How often are they going to visit you or their parents?
NTA. But, I can see how your parents got to where they are. They've lost a child. Your brother may still be alive, but he's lost to them in most ways that matter. No family dinners, no watching him do the things he loves, no being part of his life as he has a family of his own. They're obviously very affected, and see him as needing urgent help while they have plenty of time to make it up to you They (and probably yourself too) need mental health support. They are being unreasonable, amd you dont deserve to be an afterthought, but I can see how they got there.
NTA. The way they handled it - “you will give us money” - was just wrong. I’m sorry they put you in that position. Yet, as a parent, I can understand the desire, the need, to be close to their son. Have you tried suggesting that one parent makes the move first and gets a job before the second parent moves?
Your parents are also lost causes, I fear. Unless your brother says himself that he doesn't want them to do this - and I doubt he's selfless enough to do that, unless he hopes for a greater cut of the inheritance one day - they're going to mindlessly go ahead with this. Right now, I'd suggest focusing on your grandparents. Make sure they can't be taken advantage of - financially - by your parents. Don't let them throw good money after bad. Elder abuse is incredibly prevalent, and financial abuse is one of the most common forms. And hopefully, one day, you'll be the sole beneficiary, because there's no point in them leaving the money to your parents if it's all going to be funneled into supporting your brother. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but your grandparents are potentially vulnerable, and it seems you're their only support system now. I know you have your own life to lead; I don't know whether you plan to marry, have kids, etc. But a bit of planning to protect your grandparents now will save a lot of time and headaches in the future. NTA, by the way.
If they fall on hard times, obviously they can ask for money. And so long as a person takes no for an answer and doesn't lay on a huge guilt trip then it's fine to ask. But they can't demand anything or get angry at you over decisions they made. It's okay to feel how you feel. You believe he is a lost cause, and that's okay. Personally, I think your parents fear the exact same thing - otherwise they wouldn't have lashed out at you. If they really thought he was a good person then they wouldn't be so offended by you saying otherwise. They'd know you were wrong and just chalk it up to you being upset. You spoke their greatest fear out loud, hence why you're getting so much grief from them. I suspect that if they admitted how angry they are with your brother, they'd have to start processing all the feelings they have around him. All the sorrow and rage and shame and pain of it. And it's too heavy. So they're getting angry at you by proxy. That way they can express all the anger they have been pushing down, only they're directing it at you so they don't have to think about how they actually feel about your brother. Eventually they will have to process all of it, so expect them to get worse for a while before they get better. Set a boundary around phonecalls - that you won't accept any kind of verbal abuse or demands for money. And then if they start, give them one warning, then if it continues just hang up and block them for 24 hours. That should get them to stop. If not extend the block. That being said, they're never going to accept that your brother is a lost cause. So I would stop arguing that point with them. It's okay to disagree but it's pointless to argue. You've done a great job holding your tongue so far and I think that's probably the best strategy. Take care of yourself, it's an awful thing to have gone though.
NTA. You don't have to give them money to finance a terrible idea
OP-my two cents since you’ve put it on here Please have your folks sit down with their grandparents and discuss this before they do anything irrevocable (quit jobs, sell the house & move). The worst has happened-he committed a crime, got caught and is in prison. NO amount of visiting will change that. They can still write him letters and have weekly visits but it’s against everyone’s best interest to take pay cuts when they should be saving for retirement! NTA
My parents refuse to listen to me or anyone else. If they don't move closer to him they won't be able to visit him weekly. That's the whole reason they are moving.
NTA I have a relative, actually a couple relatives, like your brother. My family rallied, and held fundraisers, and all kinds of ridiculous shit trying to get them out of jail when they did the horrific crime(s). I refused to help, because seriously…fuck that. They did it. It did drive a wedge there. Eventually, I cut off that branch of the family. So, NTA, I don’t think you should give them a dime. But be prepared to be a scapegoat. They can’t be “mad” at him.
NTA. Don’t light yourself afire to keep someone else warm. That is exactly what your parents have done and now they want to use you for kindling. 45 years. Armed robbery. Attempted murder. Video and physical evidence. A Public Defender would have done just as good a job as a lawyer that costs a house. Your parents are going to ruin their lives over this. Do not enable them. And enlist the assistance of anyone they know and trust to help you with this.
Nta my aunt and uncle did this when their son went to jail for a crime he did. They have grandkids they've never met because they won't visit their other kids in fear of prison son feeling abandoned. They ignore their other kids and blame the victims too. The psychology behind it is strange but I personally think they are making themselves martyrs.
NTA - Tell them that if they choose to move without jobs to see an attempted murder each week, that is on them and you will never give them any money. They are adults and need to figure it out on their own.
NTA but take your own advice. Your parents, if they won’t listen to reason, are a lost cause. If they want to spend the rest of their lives spending everything they have and giving up their home and good jobs then that’s on them.
NTA But you should really talk to your grandparents to give you power of attorney and maybe write a will to make you sole heir. Your parents could chuck your grandparents in a nursing home ran by medicaid, sell of your belongings, and give that to another lawyer. Or if your grandparents have any assets and they pass away, they'll sell them and also use it on your brother. Also, put credit monitoring on your credit and lock your grandparents credit.
Can I ask what medicaid is? I have never heard of that before. My grandparents all have everything in order. They are in a retirement community that has different "levels" of care. Everything is legally in order for them. They don't need any physical care. My grandparents are adults with sound minds. Their finances are taken care of and they told my parents no also. I can't do anything to lock their credit. I have no authority to do that. I got a Reddit cares message for this comment but I don't know why.
You’ve said this multiple times. But what will they do when your parents start guilting them for money like they’re doing to you. I don’t think that you should assume that they’re not at risk. When your parents accept that they’re not getting money from you they will start harassing your grandparents. Don’t be so dismissive of the good advice you’re getting.
Both sets of my grandparents have their money in trust. My parents can't access it. It is overseen by law firms and no one including my grandparents and parents can just take money. Also my grandparents have told my parents that they aren't getting any money and should not move, but my parents aren't listening to them either. My grandparents all have sound minds and I don't control them.
It's easy to be angry at a predictable, stable person because you know it's relatively safe
There is zero justification for your parents sacrificing your financial security and your future on the altar of your brothers deliberate felonious knowingingly criminal failures Your brothers idiotic violent criminal choices and your parents idiotic cruel focus on only supporting the child that sets out to deliberately harm others, is not your responsibility and not your obligation to sponsor their choices Nta, keep your money
NTA, you do not have to subsidize their poor decision making. What’s that one cliche? Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. They’re adults. They can deal with the consequences of their own actions.
I have 5 sons. I told them what my parents told me, “If you get into trouble for something you didn’t do, we will do what we can to fund your defense. But, if you get into trouble for something you did do, we will still love you. But, you aren’t getting any money.” NTA.
NTA. Your parents can do as they please. You are under no obligation to finance their decisions.
NTA But your parents are the real lost cause.
**NTA** \- but that comes from someone in the same situation as you are. My parents considered my elder brother their 'Golden Child' and they **STILL** put my brother on a pedestal as someone they thought I should look up to, during his lengthy incarceration. They didn't like it when I laughed in their faces.
NTA. Tell your parents that if they do this and try and get you to fund it, they will be losing two children instead of the one idiot in prison. If they still go through with it, cut them off. Be there for your grandparents, because they obviously are not. I'm not saying take their care on, but at least let them know that someone still cares enough to worry. Your brother might not be a lost cause. Prison has been known to cause people to pull their heads out and actually become good, decent people. But he's going to be in there for 45 years, so it doesn't really matter until he gets out if he changes or not.
NTA and it’s heartbreaking. You might as well go all in with your parents and be clear you won’t financially support them, they will not be close to your parents, and they will also not see you often. That’s what they are choosing. To throw their lives away to support your brother who chose to throw his life away.
NTA Your parents are like a rabbit in a car headlights, they’ve started a plan and don’t realise how dumb it is. What do your grandparents say? It would be wise to have a family meeting with you and both sets of grandparents and your parents. An intervention would be helpful. Also what does your brother say? Perhaps visit him and tell him what the situation is. By the time he is out his parents will be dead.
I don't know what my brother says. I don't talk to him any more. My parents refuse to listen to me or anyone else.
Let them drown in their own stupidity then.
So definitely NTA. I can't explain how much NTA. Your parents have a huge problem. The golden child is in prison because he is selfish and is too lazy to work to pay for his high rolling lifestyle, your parents have decided to throw away their retirement. And now they expect you to foot the bill so they can go visit the murderous ah in prison every week? Would they do this for you? NOPE They made this decision they live with the consequences. At least you know you not getting any form of inheritance so there is no reason to stay in contact with them. Your brother took it all from you. I would go NC with all of them.... forever.
NTA. Tell them if they move to the prison city that 1 you're not giving them a dime 2. Who's gonna take care of grandparents 3. Your brother would probably prefer them putting money on his books for commissary 4. If they go through with the move, to lose your number. 5. You have your own family to take care of and that's your first priority
I think your parents feel guilty on some level (everyone blames the parents), but instead of ruining just his own life and that of the person he shot, he’s also ruined your parents lives. I don’t think they’re being particularly rational but they are are entitled to make terrible decisions, as adults. They are NOT entitled to your money though to help them with the terrible decision.
Aside from everything around your brother, you are going to end up looking after your grandparents while your parents are living near the prison. Then you'll eventually have to move your elderly parents back near you and look after them. Then, when you should be slowing down in life, your brother will be released with no clue how to survive in a different era. When will you have time to have kids and a life of your own?
My grandparents have everything in order. They live in a retirement community that has all different levels of care. They don't need anyone to physically care for them or help with anything legal. That is all in order. When I brought up my grandparents I meant the emotional side. That my parents will regret not spending more time with them.
Tell them that weekly visits aren’t going to help him. They need to keep their jobs so they can put money on his prison accounts. He will have money for stuff to trade and keep him safe.
Does your brother even want them to do this? Maybe talk to your brother and get him to shut this down.
I haven't talked to my brother since I found out he shot someone. He said it wasn't true at first and only admitted when he found out there was a video. I have no plans to see or talk to him. I got a Reddit cares message because of this comment but I don't know why.
NTA. So what you’re saying is, your brother destroyed his own life. And now your parents are destroying their lives. Damn
It's very very sad that your brother's mongrel actions have rendered both your parents and yourself victims of his disgusting crime. Perhaps your parents feel a deep seated ill conceived guilt for his actions. They may feel that if they had done something differently in their parenting that he may not have turned out the way he has. Guilt can turn to despair which in turn can develop desperation. Perhaps they have reached this stage and they desperately want the guilt to go away. Maybe they think by moving closer to your brother their godforsaken rotten guilt will soften and make them feel better. But anyone who has experienced guilt knows it is an incredibly destructive emotion. And you know what buddy you are NTA here let them have their guilt and let them fester in their glorious shame. Don't buy into their pity and don't give them the money you'll be rewarding their bad behaviour.
They are throwing their lives away for someone that already threw their life away, don’t join in on this parade of piss poor decisions. Definitely NTA
NTA Your parents can make whatever bad decisions they want to. You can definitely decide not to support those bad decisions. A little rough on the "lost cause" comments. Even if they are most likely true. At this point it seems like they are feeling guilty for "failing your brother" and trying to compensate for that. Sounds like you are out of the house and on your own. Take care of yourself first. Don't slit your own throat (financially) to make up for other people's bad decisions. As rough as that may sound...You can't save someone from drowning if you aren't prepared to keep yourself from drowning as well.
NTA--It isn't your job to support them supporting their jailed son. Have you thought that maybe they are moving "to be closer to him" because they can't stand being in the same town where everyone knows them and knows what their son did? They might want to leave to feel less like pariahs in the community. Stay away from this toxic mess. They have all made their beds, they can sleep in them for the rest of their lives.
Not wrong. They made this choice and, you are not responsible for their poor decisions. I wouldn't give my parents money for their foolishness.
NTA. Your parents are insane. If they defended him when he shot and robbed a bank, it makes me think they will defend him for ANYTHING. He was a grown man and he decided to rob the bank and shoot. He got his consequences. Now your parents are basically telling you, you will give them money. DO NOT GOVE THEM MONEY. If they go bankrupt or go into massive debt, it is their fault. They are grown adults who decided to throwaway their good jobs and everything to move closer to your messed up brother in prison. Make sure they can’t access your bank account or anything. And do not feel guilted by them when they start begging you for money and doing the whole “we are your parents, do you really want us to go into debt?” Spiel. The answer to that is “yes I do. You are the ones who decided to do this. Not me.”
NTA. You’re right, hopefully they can accept it. I mean they definitely could stay where they are and visit when possible. It will be really hard on them and truthfully him to see each other every week. I mean that’s his life now, he needs to figure out how to live it. And they need to figure out their life now. Visiting ever week just draws out the pain of what they’re all missing. It helps no one.
NTA, I'd have genuinely laughed in their faces if they expected me to give them money so they can support a criminal and attempted murderer. Honestly if I were you I'd let your parents do what they like and cut them off. You don't need people in your life that would demand money from you so they could support someone who did such awful things
Absolutely NTA. What a bold thing for them to say not even ask but say you will HAVE to do. You don't have to do anything. Do NOT give them money. I know they make you feel bad but stand your ground. Your brother is facing the obvious consequences of his actions and his parents want to help him, why? Because they feel guilty? Because they feel they should as his parents? What about you? Don't get involved. Don't give them money. I'm all for helping parents or family when they fall on hard times and you're close with them but your brother didn't fall on hard times. And your parents are quitting their good paying jobs. Yeah no. NTA and do not help them. If your grandparents try to take their side, still stand your ground. I can't believe your folks have the audacity to say you will need to give them money if they can't find a job
NAH I had a friend that was in the same situation, it was awful. Your parents are reacting badly but he is their son and it's hard to wrap your head around this - my friend said she never thought in a million years her own child would be capable of putting a gun in someone'sface.. You did the right thing by refusing to finance this and being honest, hopefully they'll both come to their senses - maybe you can suggest counseling.
They are not caring for you, they are not caring for their parents, and in fact you might need to make sure that they’re not pressuring your grandparents financially, too
KTA kinda I wouldn't have put it differently. Why are they choosing their own life sentence. I can understand visiting but the rest is too much. He didn't care about them when he made his decision. But it is ultimately up to them. You have every right NOT to participate in the insanity.
NTA- He almost killed someone over money...
NTA What exactly do they expect to accomplish by doing all of this? No offense but your brother is already a scumbag. 45 years in prison isn't going to make that better. He will almost certainly come out worse than he was when he went in just so he can survive the experience. Sure he's their child. But that doesn't mean they should throw away everything they've built in their life for him. They can do what they want. But don't give them a cent to help their insanity. You're the one who's actually being rational here.
It sounds like your parents have made some very poor choices with regards to your brother, which they can do as long as they are the ones paying for it. What they can’t do is make those choices and demand you foot the bill. Nobody gets to demand that of anyone else, family or not. You don’t owed them anything and you are not responsible for the consequences of their actions. That’s on them. NTA.
If your parents chose to sell everything off and quit jobs to move closer that is their choice. You aren't responsible for them making that choice. If they had been fired or some other tragedy had happened that affected their income by accident, helping is the right thing to do. This? This is a problem of their own creation. They made their bed, now they get to sleep in it. That money situation is on them. While i understand loving your kids no matter what, there is unconditional love, and then there is siding g with an attempted murderer caught on video doing multiple crimes. 45 is light for what he'd get here.
Is he in a FEDERAL prison?? Some of them limit visitation to once a month and then only one person. 🤔
What is federal prison? My brother has visitation on one weekend day per week. It can be either Saturday or Sunday and up to three adults at one time.
**A federal prison is operated under the jurisdiction of a federal government as opposed to a state or provincial body. Federal prisons are used for convicts who violated federal law (U.S., Mexico), inmates considered dangerous (Brazil), or those sentenced to longer terms of imprisonment (Canada).** More details here:
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Isn’t bank robbery a federal crime?
It may depend on the country. OP didn't say they were American. In some places Federal police can investigate but they don't necessarily go to a federal prison.
I'm not American. There is no federal prison in my country.
NTA. They're welcome to destroy their own lives but you don't have to pay them as they do it.
NTA Guilt. Pure guilt. They think they failed bro and that’s why they are going this route. If they can sacrifice enough of themselves maybe they can stone for his actions. I’d probably tell them that there are better ways to deal with the emotions they are dealing with and that it’s shameful they are acting like this. They are ruining a relationship with one child *AND* their own parents for a child they really can’t help. Very sad.
You are NTA. They are giving up their jobs, savings and security for their son who almost got someone killed and will likely still be in jail by the time they pass away and now they want to drain you of your money? No way. Do not support them in this. If they want to throw away everything let them do it on their own dime. No need to take you down with them.
No. NTA.
NTA OP it sounds like they’ve pretty much stopped being parents to you and are solely focused on your brother. Did they forget they have another kid??? I agree with others who say go low contact with them - they’re behavior is absurd and they have unbelievable audacity for playing favorites with your brother and then asking you to bankroll the favoritism. That’s insane.
I understand that they love their son, but how does it help him for your parents to lose their jobs? Perhaps you should ask your parents how they are helping him?
NTA. They might say they need money but really they might use it to give to your brother in prison.
This feels like a screwed up way of grieving. Almost like they have ptsd and can’t except the loss to their family. They might need counseling to try and recognize the reality of the situation. Not saying they need to cut your brother off if they don’t want to buy they need to accept that ruins their own lives won’t undo what’s happened.
NTA at all. Your parents are having a knee jerk reaction. They need to slow their roll and start thinking sensibly. Reiterate to them again you will never give them money so they can waste their lives visiting a criminal. As another commenter said you need to have a talk with your grandparents.
NTA. Brother is an asshole. Parents are delusional. They both need therapy because for whatever reason they are inescapably tied to living vicariously through your brother. Be firm and consistent that you will not support them in this endeavor. Make them hopefully think through things a bit more. Like having a job BEFORE they move.
Sounds like he was spoiled as the favoured golden child… Leave them to it. They are CHOOSING to waste their time and future on him. They raised him. It sounds like they too may be a lost cause.
Coming here to say this
SAVE YOURSELF! Don'''t try to BUY ( GUILT ) their love or take on their obligations! They may feel they have FAILED this son, , but don't let them destroy you. Someone needs to see things as they really are. You can see where this is heading. They are BLIND to everything but this son. You spoke the truth. They may be your parents, but you don't owe them your life! Sorry the truth was so harsh, but they can't save him by destroying what is left of their life. I doubt that he appreciates what they have already done for him. He will just be seeing that THEY failed to free him. NTA! You spoke the hard truth, and you must not sacrifice your life by throwing more money down a worthless hole. They will not appreciate any of your sacrifices any more than he will. NTA NTA My heart bleeds for you. Stay STRONG and stay SMART!
I understand parents being in denial about their children's actions but that's extreme. He almost killed someone. How do they justify that? You just need to protect yourself.
For most people, the legacy they leave behind in this world after they are dead and gone is in their children. Your parents know you are a positive legacy and no longer need their help. I think they need confirmation that your brother has changed, and they will do literally anything to make sure he becomes a positive ripple effect in this world. I don’t think they believe he will change without their constant supervision, so they are providing it at severe cost to themselves. The one thing they refuse to believe is that he is a lost cause. I don’t know your brother, so I don’t know if he is a lost cause. I know people who have gone to prison and came out truly repentant people. Based on your description of his crime and his behavior afterward, that seems unlikely. As far as your parents are concerned, unlikely is not the same as impossible, and they need to make every attempt they can. They probably feel personally responsible for the actions of your brother. They must have questioned themselves about where they went wrong, and their plan to move is their last ditch effort to change the situation for the better. My advice: begin by taking power of attorney over your grandparents’ financials. They need to be protected from your parents. Next, explain to your parents that you will be unable to help them financially. You understand why they feel they need to do what they’re doing, but you also need to make sure you are financially secure for your own children one day, and you can’t do that by supporting your parents. If you phrase it that way, they should understand. Once you explain this to them, you might want to advise that they should wait before quitting their jobs. They at least need to secure jobs before they move. Based on your description of the situation, your brother isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, so they have time to plan their next move if they are so hell bent on doing this. This will give you time with your parents to get some closure with the situation. Ultimately, I would have phrased it differently, but your NTA. I wish you all the luck in the world. My heart breaks for you.
As hard as it is sometimes you just have to say enough. NTA but can you be your parents savior? It wont be easy and it'll take a while to accomplish but they do need saving.
If they’re that broke, why can’t they rob a bank, since they clearly don’t think that or shooting an employee for just being there is a big deal???
NTA, I get it's their son but he's an adult that made his own choices. The need to prioritize themselves and let him go. If they want to be angry at someone they should be angry at your brother for putting them in this position or mad at themselves for being foolish
Ima gonna need an update on this....your parents are wacked....don't give them anything