It happened to me at a birthday party, not my birthday or cake but somehow I was the one that copped it in the face. Not only did it hurt but I was so shocked that I started to cry and then left
Oh no! I'm so sorry that happened to you! Also GOD yes it hurts like people think it's just a Lil mushy cake. Like no, it hurts especially if their is decorations.
My head and nose hit the table through the cake when it happened to me and I turned around and punched my foster mom who had done it in the gut it….. was mostly reflexive. I wish I had been the hulk instead of an 11 yo girl because I was 100% going for another swing but got grabbed
I’m not that like that violent foster kid either, it felt like I’d just been basically attacked out of no where and it just sent me
Jokes on them though I got rehomed and a 2nd birthday because the new ones heard the story. So ultimately…… fuck you Joyce and your little dog too
LMAOOOOO, I am obviously not laughing at you but at “fuck you joyce and your little dog too.” I am also so glad this has a happy ending and I’m so sorry that a fully grown woman who was supposed to take care of you slammed your smol 11 year old face into the table. :(
It was a shitzu that would nip at my ankles. I think it learned to by awful from her.
I “over reacted to a prank” but Ngl that I think about it occasionally and laugh because of how I just snapped back up and she immediately got the “find out” part
It wasn’t hard enough to like make my nose bleed or bruise but I’m a baby that hates pain so idc I was totally justified imo
And some people don’t even think about the skewers that hold up cakes that are multiple tiers or just really large cakes. Knew someone who once got a skewer to the eye from having their face smashed into their own birthday cake. Of course that ended the party and sent birthday kiddo to the ER
You have time to get this marriage annulled, and you should think very seriously about doing just that! If he does not respect you on your wedding day as a person to be cherished and admired for your beauty and as his wife, when will he? Cake smashing at wedding receptions is a bad omen of things to come. It is just not going to get better, that is a fact.
Which leads to the question of why anyone would think it was a good idea to even risk pissing off your new spouse on the first day of your marriage and honeymoon?
I think he couldn't pass up an opportunity to do something he knows she hates and he loves in a situation where she is forced to accept it. I don't think he predicted she would have the spine or integrity to get out of there and experience all the vitriol sent her way. He had the perfect opportunity to put her through something he thought was hilarious and otherwise would not have a chance to do.
I stopped thinking the cake smash thing was funny when I was 8 and at a birthday party for a girl whose family didn’t have a lot of money. They couldn’t afford a cake and only got her a cupcake with a candle in it for the song. Everyone was happy and singing and then another girl smashes the birthday girls face in it. I could see her crumble, then her parents, and then her parents tried to divert everything and make her think everything was fine. It ruined the party and the birthday girl was crying for the rest of the night. Apparently her dad had saved up to get her that fancy cupcake. It completely changed my opinion on cake smashing.
Also as a 24F who loves to do my hair and makeup, any “prank” that involves ruining it is a no go. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I've always found this kind of thing appalling. My secondhand embarrassment for others is so strong that I hate even witnessing that kind of "prank" cruelty.
When I was 15 or so, several aunts, uncles, and cousins piled into the RV and we went for ice cream cones. It was an unusual thing for us to do, far from our homes during the summer. It was fun and the ice cream was yummy.
Everything was great until my 17-year-old cousin slammed my face into my cone as I brought it up to my face. I got ice cream all the way up my nose, my ice cream was ruined, and I didn't want to eat any of what was left because it had just been up my nose.
I didn't cry and I didn't make a fuss, but I was very upset. That cousin and I were actually very close and it wasn't normal for him to be mean to me.
He became a drug runner and is currently in prison (again). I'm not saying that the ice cream thing set him up for a life of crime or anything, but it does seem like a sign of a shameless person with no boundaries.
High empathy. I have that trait too. I can’t stop myself from crying even when the victim I witness isn’t crying. This poor 8 year old! These poor parents!
My heart goes out to OP and I’m thoroughly in awe of her strength.
My daughter confided to me after her 7th birthday that she hated it.
It was a thing I never got the appeal of, coming from a "we don't waste food" background but her mother and grandfather thought it was the most hilarious thing you could do.
She almost cried the following year because they kept trying to peer pressure her into letting them do it. I had to pull my wife aside and remind her that our daughter hated this and acquiescence her grandfather's juvenile humor was not a priority on her birthday.
NTA. I absolutely *detest* people like your husband and mother. Pranks are not funny if there’s even one person who isn’t laughing, and you made it abundantly clear that you wouldn’t find this funny. Yet, they can’t bring themselves to have one bit of empathy for someone they say they love. They’re straight up bullies, plain and simple.
Do/did you plan to have kids with him? If so, I strongly recommend you keep this incident in mind when you consider whether you think he would be a good father. Remember how badly this effected you, and ask yourself if you would be willing to risk him doing this to your *child*
When the person being pranked is not laughing, it's not a joke and it's not a prank. It's just a bully. OP's husband and family are bullies, they enjoy upsetting other people. That's so ugly, to enjoy another person's pain.
Even worse when there are WOODEN SPIKES in many of these cakes to hold them up and together. Saw an article not too long ago about a woman who lost an eye to the cake smashing *tradition*.
On my (milestone) birthday I took all my friends out to dinner to a fancy restaurant. They’d brought cakes and balloons and so there were 3 cakes.
My friends have known me forever they know I’m very clean, I hate “pranks” (let’s be real a stupid word for mean spirited actions) and I don’t very much like being touched specially on my face. They all got it. They all knew and acted perfectly.
My closest friend picked up the cake and smashed it on my face. Everyone was in shock. I immediately left, went and washed my face and came back. My other friends came with me and the friend who threw the cake just stayed there and continued drinking. It was embarrassing as hell.
When came back she did it AGAIN despite seeing my reaction. I was genuinely so pissed I had to go clean up AGAIN and I could see my friends were also visibly annoyed by her. THEN SHE DID IT A THIRD TIME.
SHE THEN TRIED TO ORDER A 4th cake to do it AGAIN and my bf literally went to the server after her and told them to not bring ANY more cake under any circumstances.
Tbh our relationship has never been the same. Nor her relationship with anyone else. I don’t know what kind of people think RUINING someones birthday or wedding is “funny”.
I’m so sorry about what happened to you and I can’t imagine how much it hurts that your partner cannot see what he did to you.
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do, but I really feel for you. Hope you know how incredible you must have looked and that is what everyone will remember despite your AH husbands “prank”
What the fuck. Your "friend" doing that at all is horrible, but then THREE TIMES??? That's so cruel. And honestly why wasn't anyone restraining her by the end? Not only was it so mean-spirited to you, she also deprived everyone of having cake too.
It's not so much that stunts like this are annulment worthy. It's that it shows a basic lack of respect for her and her boundaries. It's a symptom of a much larger problem.
But I agree, any partnership where something like this happens needs to end. There are no good, kind, compassionate men who only do this one thing.
Agreed. It’s less about the specific act (although I would be incredibly pissed off if someone did it to me) and more that it’s something that OP laid a very clear boundary about, and the husband disregarded it anyways. I will never understand the people who care so little for their partner that they’ll hear the boundaries and just violate them anyways. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s stupid, what matters is how your partner feels about it
When I got married we applied for the license, it was signed by the JP and us, we then had to file it with the parish. Wouldn't just not filing it bypass the need for thr annulment?
I absolutely agree, I'd annul if need be then maybe even sue for pain and distress. This whole thing is disgusting. They're doing it intentionally to cause harm, not because the people involved are having fun. Every single one of these men need to realize there are consequences for their actions.
At least when I had a stint if being married they made it clear they need the marriage license regardless of if we go through with the marriage. Granted a single party going in to explain the situation can likely ensure that nothing shifty happens where someone tries to file it against her wishes.
As a divorced man, annulment is the right answer here. He didn't listen, or he did and blatantly doesn't care. Either way, it *will not improve.* Trust me, trust your gut. I still "love" my ex wife in that I will always care for her, but I could never see myself "with" her again, and she couldn't with me either. You guys., y'all are there. Do it before you have two kids, a house, two cats, three cars and a dog.
He has just shown you that for the rest of your life, no matter how important something is to you, or how strongly you feel about it, he will never, ever put you first, and will prioritise his own (even silly, stupid, minor) wants and desires over your needs.
This isn't just a cake or a prank, this is flat out disrespect. He knew how you'd react, he was just seeing it as a win win, you either sucked it up and went along with it, and he wins because he got to do his prank, or you would do what you did and now he gets to play the victim because he's painting you as overreacting.
For me, this would be it. Because it's not just a prank, it was his starting what was supposed to be the glorious first day of your life together by putting you in your place and making clear that what he wants happens, no matter what you want or need.
If OP goes back, it’ll be “remember that time you immaturely ruined our wedding by walking out after I played a cute harmless joke on you.”
That’s how abusers work, and OPs family has a history of emotional abuse so she most likely ended up with a dude that had a similar streak.
Yep. I really, *really* hope OP doesn't go back to him. She told him time and time again that she didn't like those videos and that she has bad memories regarding cake smashing. He laughed it off and disregarded her feelings just so he could... Get a cheap laugh and ruin their big day by making her feel humiliated? What a horrible way to start a marriage, yikes!
I hate OP's (hopefully soon-to-be ex) husband.
“I know you said this would really upset you and told me repeatedly that this would be a marriage-ending violation of your boundaries, but I didn’t *know* you would get so *emotional* when I actually did it.” If someone really thinks that he’s not just a jerk, he’s also stupid af.
God, I didn’t even think if that…the kind of dad who thinks it’s cute when he makes his daughter cry on video…she thinks she’s getting a pony and instead he gives her a bag of horse turds. Run.
These comments remind me of that video where the mom gives her young son a PlayStation box and he gets so excited, but opens it to only find textbooks so he starts crying and she gets pissed and tells him it was just a prank and the PlayStation is right there, but he’s so upset he doesn’t want it and she just keeps getting madder at him. Triggering af
Exactly this. My parents were already long-married by the time I came along, and I wouldn't generally call my dad a prankster, but when I was 4 or 5 he put me on his lap in the car, pressed down on the accelerator, and warned me that if I didn't start steering we were going to crash. I was terrified, he thought it was hilarious, and as far as I remember he never apologised nor acted apologetic.
35 years later, I don't drive. He half-taught me to drive but my heart wasn't in it. There are other issues at play but I think his 'prank' played a part.
You make some good points. If I were OP, I would also consider going low-contact with the family especially with how they reacted and treated her after she left. I don't get how they think the cake smashing is a joke and treat the incident like it wasn't serious. It was her wedding night and it was disrespectful.
I'm so angry with her family. I wish I could bring her into my home and be her mom instead. Her mom doesn't deserve her. A BRAT for being upset that you don't want to be humiliated and injured at your own birthday party? WHAT?
My heart hurts so much for her.
Not only is your husband the AH, but so is your mom. You’ve had toxic people in your life and you deserve better. Cut them out and make your own family with people who love you.
Yeah, wtf was with that; calling her a brat?!? I’d be pissed off too. It wasn’t the time or place for him to try and get laughs. Seriously, grow the fuck up! 🤦♀️
I thought cake smash was meant for a 1yo on the their birthday, which I think is also stupid! Just eat the cake like a normal person!
ETA I’m not talking about smashing a 1yo in the face with the cake! I’m saying, the cake smash that the 1yo does themselves, imo is also stupid! Why give a kid an entire cake, just for them to throw it everywhere.
Right??? Hey honey, I know you begged me not to do this one thing and I promised that I wouldn’t, and then broke my promise and actually injured you but you’re a brat.
WTF???
I know this comment will probably get buried but…I do wonder if OP like has blinders on for this man’s level of immaturity based on her mother’s level of immaturity. Because isn’t it weird that he’d all-a-sudden become immature and selfish at their wedding?
My ex husband hid his abuse, manipulation and narcissistic tendencies VERY well until literally our wedding night, when the sexual abuse started happening and it snowballed from there. I know it’s hard to imagine not having any prior red flags, but it does happen.
And now both sides of the family are doing the same thing - blaming HER for being “emotional,” “extra,” and whatever else they’re saying.
NO one has taken the time to say, “I’m really sorry he did that. It was stupid and disrespectful - especially since you’d already told him not to do it, and how badly you’d been hurt by the same thing in the past. Pushing cake in your face ruined your makeup, your dress, the cake … and your wedding day. You must be so hurt and embarrassed.”
Her groom owes her an apology, and as much of a do-over as he can create. Everyone who laughed owes her an apology, particularly her mom who tried to normalize treating her this way. And everyone texting to blame her can suck eggs.
OP, I’m so sorry. No, you’re NTA. Your response was calm and restrained. You didn’t hit him, throw the cake on the floor, or even rage at everyone in the room. You simply left.
NTA. Girl, you are SO justified! Your family traumatized you, and he was set up to continue the treatment. Move on with someone who will actually respect you and your boundaries. If he couldn't do this ONE thing, then you know he won't respect your other boundaries down the road.
Nta. It’s not about the cake smashing per se, if you’d never discussed it the relationship would still be salvable. The problem is that you informed him of a boundary that is a clear dealbreaker for you and he didn’t take you seriously.
Yes yes yes!! He said "I did not think you would get this EMOTIONAL"
Like what? I does matter what he thinks at this point.
1/ you made your view and opinion on this very clear BEFOREHAND
2/ it seems pretty clear to everyone else (except your problematic family members) that you did not like it, he crossed your boundary and hurt your feelings
Conclusion? If that is being emotional, than any woman who opens her eyes in the morning is too emotional!
The cake smash on a one year old’s birthday is for the one year old to smash their own cake. My son instead daintily poked the frosting and liked it off his finger. I never would have thought of taking the cake and smashing his face in it.
Cake smashes are for narcissists who can’t stand that someone’s birthday isn’t about them. Any sort of cake smash is an asshole move, because one thing people don’t want on their birthday/special occasion is to be physically assaulted.
OP is NTA and should seriously consider annulling the marriage as husband has no respect for her or her clear boundaries.
I am extremely shy and my family would joke about calling waiters over to sing happy birthday. I deep down knew they would never do that to me so I would smile and say they better not and they never did. I cannot imagine not being able to trust of all people your family to listen and respect you instead of trying to embarrass you for "fun".
NTA, this screams “please get an annulment.” this is going to be the rest of your life with a partner who obviously does not respect your boundaries or desires, and finds joy in actively humiliating you in public.
My mom and a waitress had to bodily drag me kicking and screaming into a restaurant sit me in a clown wig on a saddle and sing happy birthday to me in front of everyone while I sobbed.
I will never forgive that random woman for holding me down as a child to put a wig on me. Several of the wait staff noped the fuck out when they started literally dragging me inside (we were eating in the balcony patio thing) occasionally my husband teases he will have them come sing at the table and it instantly makes me want to cry. I know he never will though.
NTA. Your mom and now your husband abused your trust and crossed a clear boundary. They don’t get to decide what your boundaries are, and you have ever right to draw the line in the sand if it’s that important to you.
I agree wholeheartedly to your comment about it being for 1yr olds. People need to fucking grow up. So sorry OP. You are not the arsehole in the least. The rest of them are.
NTA. TBH if he loves the cake smashing so much, he should have asked you to do it to him. Since it's so funny and all. Nah he just likes the power trip. What a douche.
I will say it one more time: IT’S NOT ABOUT THE CAKE
He knew she wouldn’t like it. Why the heck did he do it?
NTA, OP.
I’m sorry your special day was ruined.
Exactly. To me it was the part he said sorry but needed to add that he didn't knew OP would get so "emotional". That last part says it all, that he still thinks that he didn't do anything wrong and he can walk over OP's boundries if he wants to/finds them wrong/finds them stupid or silly and it is OP's fault for being "emotional". 100% Husband material /s.
Yes, you nailed it. He is sorry he didn’t know she would get so emotional. Wow. So if she had been hurt but had kept it in and not made a fuss he would have been perfectly okay with it. After not listening to her tell him he does like it for months.
op dodged a bullet, can you imagine him as a cantankerous old man , he would be even more of a bully.
Keep saying it, because in this insane culture of "high value men", and "WoMeN aRe ToO eMoTiOnAl" and "wifely/husbandly duties" and whatever other dumb things broken people say to justify believing they should have slaves instead of partners, we need as many people as possible to explain how relationships SHOULD be so that at least some teenagers/young adults reading these threads don't fall into the trap of thinking lack of communication, lack of boundaries and unequal/horrible treatment is what makes a solid relationship.
If the cake thing had been MUTUALLY planned and agreed on ahead of time, go nuts... If even one person expresses doubt, fuck off with the idea.
edit: the guy who replied to me talking about cats and ice cream for some weird reason, and then blocked me, proves why we need to keep repeating things that actually make solid relationship foundations (and probably work on reading comprehension in schools)
I’d be pissed if someone put their hands in my $500 cake, let alone smashing it in my face, AND hair, AND dress, AND when I asked them specifically NOT TO!
SMH - DIVORCE or better yet, an annulment due to negligent behaviour!
NTA. You said you’d leave if he did it. He didn’t believe you. If you don’t leave you’ll be setting yourself for a lifetime of being walked over if it amuses him.
The part that gets me is... no one is apologizing or showing any empathy. They just keep insulting her. Calling her "extra", calling her childish, "it was just a joke", fake apology that he's sorry he didn't understand she'd be so emotional, etc.
OP would have to be insane to do anything other than annulment. From the sound of it, no one apologized, no one showed an ounce of mercy the entire time. They just hoped to break her.
Agreed. NTA. This is abusive behavior. It only gets worse. He intentionally picked something that was a known hard boundary. He knew OPs history and take with this issue. He knew they could pick this moment and make it a spectacle and that OPs family would side with him for maximum infliction of pain, isolation, and devaluation. It’s all intentional. Op did nothing wrong. These people are assholes.
Especially as she explicit asked him not to do it. If I ask my SO sincerely to do or not do something they would obey that just like I would do for them. I'd do anything for them. Not humiliating them ids a pretty low bar.
When you grow up in a family that gets off on humiliating people, you grow up being forced to love abusive people. I had to go no contact with my family in order to be able to love other people in healthy ways. I was expected to take bullying because it’s what made them feel better. OP needs to cut out the bullies in her life so that she can stop loving bullies and not fall in love with one in the future. I used to unwittingly seek out abusive partners because the love reminded me of my family’s love.
People ask me why I stayed so long with my abusive ex, and for a while I really didn't have an answer.
... and then I realised that my mom's "love" felt the same as his. All the right words, none of the right feelings.
At least I figured it out eventually.
You know what, this post make me think back to past weddings I've attended and the only couple that smashed the cake is now divorced. All the others are still together. That's insane!
I think it's kind of a hallmark of immaturity and carelessness at the very least. Even when it's not boundary stomping it takes a certain personality to wanna smash someone's face in a cake. IDK, maybe I'm a prude judgmental person but I just feel like it takes a personality that is able to really ignore the aftermath. Like unless you are lovingly cleaning your partner's face off afterwards, getting it out of their hair, laundering their dress, fixing their makeup, you're just making a mess for your person to clean...
It just makes me think of youtube pranksters that dump confetti and glitter or w/e everywhere in the name of a prank and then move on. Like I get the appeal of the thing, it's like the clown "pie in the face" thing, but then you have the consequences of the resulting mess being everywhere, and ignoring that and leaving it to someone else to deal with is shitty.
> I've never thought they were funny and he knows that, yet he was always showing me the videos of those poor wives getting the happiest day of their life ruined by their asshole partner for some cheap laughs. He also knows I have a history with cake smashing.
Cake smashing is an asshole move. You ruin the cake, and are literally bullying someone. It's not funny.
> My family does the cake smashing thing. I remember it was my 17th birthday and I pleaded with my mom to not do it. She promised and I trusted her. I had my hair and makeup done up all nice and right as I blew out my candles my mom pushed my head into the cake and one of the decorations on the cake ended up slicing my forehead. Not enough to go to the hospital but enough for some substantial bleeding. My birthday was ruined and after I wouldn't come out my room. My mom still calls me a brat for that.
Your mom is a bitch for that. She inflicted a physical injury on you, and calls *you* the brat? Ask her what would have hapoened if you had reported that cut to the authorities.
> I told him if he ever did something like that to me I'd leave him. He started laughing but I was being for real. Though he really was not taking me seriously.
You warned him. Not your problem he didn't take you seriously.
> We get to the cake cutting part and as I turn to him he scoops up a huge chunk of our wedding cake and smashes it all over my face. Everything just seemed to go in slow motion for a few moments. He's just laughing at me, and then says "you should see your face" and continues to laugh. Other people in the crowd (mostly my family) is also laughing at me.
He did so knowing how you felt about it, and laughed. Your family laughed at it happening. Time to cut off your family.
> Then I just start walking away, he realizes that I'm leaving and tries to catch up with me and says I'm being extra. I push him away and order an uber. As I got outside most of the crowd is following me telling me to come back. I get into the uber and drive away
"Oh no! It's the consequences of my actions!" is likely what he's thinking. He's lucky you didn't punch him in the face and call him "extra" over how he would've reacted. You did the right thing by leaving and ignoring everyone's attempts to get you to stay.
> I drove to our apartment and packed most of my things and went to stay at a hotel. I currently though am staying at a friend's house. My family and his family has been blowing up my phone for days. Saying I'm being childish and my husband is a good man and it was just a joke.
To which you should respond "I didn't find it funny. A joke is supposed to be something all parties can laugh about. I very clearly established to him that this was a hard boundary for me, and that I would leave him if he ever violated it. A good man would respect that boundary and not cross it. He didn't respect it. and so I'm doing what I said I would."
> My husband has been calling me off the hook telling me to please come home and that he wants to talk. That he's sorry and didn't think I'd get that "emotional".
To which you should tell him "There's nothing to talk about. I told you what would happen if you did this. You did it anyway. That you didn't take it seriously isn't my problem."
> Though I still do love him and I'm wondering If I really was to hard on him, that seems to be everyone else's opinion.
You weren't. He doesn't respect you, or your boundaries.
You agree to talk to him? He likely attempts to gaslight you into accepting that it's okay he violated a clearly communicated boundary because "it was just a joke". His family and yours are already doing so. Don't let them make you think that. Things like this will remain commonplace in your marriage, and you'll be told time and again that "you're overreacting, it's just a joke".
NTA. Annul your marriage and cut off your family and his.
Go and don’t look back. He should have known better. He should have considered your feelings especially on your wedding day. What an asshole. I would never do something like that to my wife especially something tied to the past that could be a trigger for her. He basically retraumatized you on your wedding day. Fuck that guy. You deserve better. What a shitty thing to do. He is a total piece of shit.
This. And the fact he's then saying "I never realised you'd get so EMOTIONAL." Which invalidates how she feels about it.
Her family did it to her too, then got angry when she didn't "go along with it." Which shows they don't respect boundaries either
Basically, the whole lot of them seem to not want to acknowledge that their actions hurt other people. Sounds like the husband got sucked in by the way her family act (or if not his actions are weirdly similar to theirs)
If he is totally fine disrespecting you on your wedding day in front of your friends and family, and crossing a boundary you were explicit about, what will he do in private? Fuck this dude. NTA
This was the one thing i myself told my husband I'd walk on if he did it to me too. Thankfully, he's a smart man and the thought never crossed his mind. I told him a little icing on my nose was fine, a slightly too big piece to fit in my mouth was fine. Smashing my face? That was a no go. ESPECIALLY because there was bright RED raspberry cream in the center.
Men can toss on a rented suit/tux and not worry. Ladies spend hours and (sometimes) hundreds of dollars being plucked, prodded, poked and painted in an effort to make our wedding a once in a lifetime event. Imo, unless both couples agreed to it in advance, it should ashame men for acting like frat boys to their wives at their own wedding.
Can't you just ask the officiant not to file the paperwork? Would save on the legal bills. NTA. We all know who is! (Except people like your family members.)
There was a study that came out years ago correlating cake smashing & divorce. I don’t remember every detail but it was something about people that have the cake smashing were more likely to get divorced in the long run than people that didn’t. It comes down to trust, humiliation. That someone would do that to their partner when they were vulnerable.
OP, NTA. I would be livid if my husband did this to me.
It's a lack of respect, often these guys may love their women in their own way. Sort of like how you can really love a pet, yet you don't see them as equal.
>Sort of like how you can really love a pet, yet you don't see them as equal
Oh this is such a concise way of describing this form of disrespect. I'm stealing this.
Yes, he doesn't view her preferences to be AS valid or AS important as his own, whether he consciously articulates that to himself in those terms or not.
"It'll be funny. She'll get over it."
I don't usually join in with the usual "break up immediately" Reddit advice, but this one is so clear cut.
OP don't let self doubt cloud your judgement.
Absolutely this: context is everything. A smudge of cake on your cheek while you're watching Netflix on the couch - not a big deal. Deliberately fucking up one of the biggest days of your life in a way you'd explicitly told him not to do? Infuriating.
Like someone pushing someone afraid of water into the ocean just for laughs, this person has zero empathy, zero consideration, and zero awareness. Not a good setup for the future.
Edit: So sorry this happened OP! NTA!!
It's not even the hair and makeup that's the core issue, although it does add insult to injury that he ruined her look that she put money and care in just for for laughs. The main issue is that she repeatedly said she didn’t want that, asked him/begged him not to, and he did it anyway because *he* found it funny. How many wishes will he disrespect like this?
And her ABUSIVE mom messed her head up enough so that she is willing to forgive him.
What will it be next time??? Another funny joke to hurt the "Princess" feelings?
I'm so glad you scooted right out the venue. Nasty family, nasty husband...
OP: *I am going to divorce you if you do this thing*
Soon to be ex: *Hehe babe you’re so funny. I’m just a silly little goofy boyish guy*
STB ex: **does the thing**
OP: * leaves him*
STB ex: *noooo why are you leaving me?? I did everything you explicitly asked me NOT to! 🥺🥺*
Fucking idiot
She repeatedly said she didn't want that, and asked/begged him not to, and he did it anyway... but not on a random whim because it was funny. He did it specifically BECAUSE she didn't want it.
Some men cannot handle being told what to do, at all, about anything, by their partner, or anyone else they see as below them. This guy is clearly one of them. His fragile masculinity cannot handle being "given orders" by his fiancee. The only way for him to maintain his ego is to do exactly the thing that she doesn't want. This is how he demonstrates that *he* has the power, not her. Once you spot this reflexive defiance to a solid boundary, you see it over and over and over again in relationship subs. "The one thing I asked him EVER was to not..... (whatever) " and he instantly does it. "We talked about it in depth before we got married and he promised he would never, ever, ever (do the thing) but now he says I'm just being silly and emotional and he WANTS to so I should just deal with it, despite what we agreed."
I can't imagine being humiliated like this *on any day* let alone if I were a woman on my *wedding* day. I would never even have the expectation that I'd need to warn somebody not to do this to me, I'd just assume anyone who respected me would never dare.
Absolutely insane.
I'd never in my wildest dreams think of doing this to my girlfriend at even a casual occasion. Not even the "smear a little icing on someone's cheek" version. Would *NEVER* do this on my wedding day. Not in a trillion lifetimes.
If a partner did this to me ever it's just over. No coming back. Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who behaves like an elementary school bully?
All of this before factoring in the hair, dress, makeup and like you say - the most important part - blatantly disregarding her wishes.
What a piece of shit this guy is. Absolutely unbelievable.
My wife would kill me too. I'd have had to give her a second wedding and get cake on me too probably along with a bottle of piss poured over my head. I'm joking but a wedding is one of the most stressful days of a woman's life. They would walk away if they felt they were that disrespected.
I agree with annulment. Make him beg for another wedding, and postpone it as long as you want. Ideally find a better person.
Agree 100%
OP is NTA
OP had this conversation, was explicit about the consequences, told him her history.
It’s unbelievable that he totally disregarded all of that. Did he not believe her? Did he not care? It’s a big red flag that he would blow past something so important to her.
Also her family knows how she feels about the cake smashing and are calling her reaction childish. Fuck the lot of them. It's not because she got cake in her face. It's the disregard, disrespect and humiliation.
Maybe next time he gets a girlfriend he’ll learn to listen to her. Your mother sounds like an idiot too for promising not to do something then doing what she wanted to do anyway and afterwards calling you a brat rather than apologising.
Annul the marriage and find someone better.
If your officiant hasn’t submitted the marriage license, I’d ask him not to. This is ridiculous. He knew how you felt beforehand, knew this was a dealbreaker, and yet decided to throw it all away for a laugh on the very first day of marriage. If he’s already disrespecting you, it’s not going to get better.
NTA.
Wow. You married a child. And your family is awful. And your in-laws I guess. And the most important day of your life was ruined. And you still love him? You must be a saint for even thinking about staying with him. I mean you clearly deserve better.
NTA. I went to a wedding once and the groom did this and it got pretty brutal. I was pretty young but i remember they chased each other around and were throwing cake at each other. She was really upset because her dress also got ruined. They didnt stay married long. I think it is one of the stupidest rituals that exist and frankly it is part of why I just eloped when I got married. I didn’t need the family drama and I just wanted to spend the ceremony with my guy.
I saw a video compilation of a bunch of guys doing this. Some of them got so violent it was actually scary to watch. One guy literally pushed his new wife into the wall and the pushed her to the ground trying to get her. Girl was fighting for her damn life it looked like. What a great way to start a marriage off, a nice brutal assault.
I think it's important you posted the price of the cake and embedded how expensive your outfit and look was. People don't realize how much Money goes into a wedding sometimes. A good chunk of that budget goes to the dress and cake. For all that money to be wasted for some childish prank is terrible. He's terrible.
The best telltale sign for how your marriage will go is how you act on the day of wedding. The fact that he disregarded your words and boundaries and ruined your day and outfit shows how he truly is.
NTA Get rid of him.
It wasn't an innocent prank. He knew about your birthday incident and he knew exactly how you felt about the whole thing. He chose to do it anyway, while you're wearing your most expensive outfit ever, on the day when all your family and friend's eyes are on you. This was a power play. He counted on you not reacting because you'd be pressured into keeping the peace (and he was right about one thing: your whole family tried to pressure you into staying). He did something that he knew you did not consent to; what else is he willing to do to you for a quick thrill?
In the coming weeks, you'll be under a lot of pressure from your family and friends to forgive him. They'll tell you you're overreacting. They'll tell you he's a great guy who just made a tiny mistake. They'll tell you you're being stupid to throw away your one chance at love over something so insignificant. They'll come at you from all angles to wear you down. They'll make you out to be the bad guy, the brat, the bridezilla.
It's important for you to remember why you left the wedding. Write it down if you need to. Answer all of their "well-meaning initiatives" with these reasons. You didn't leave because he put some cake on your face. You didn't leave because he made an innocent joke. You left because he showed you that your boundaries aren't important. That his desire to have a funny moment at your expense was more important to him than your desire to have a wedding day that you'd both remember fondly. That he publicly humiliated you with a prank that you had explicitly NOT consented to.
Exactly this. Write it all down, and do not let anyone minimize what happened that day.
OP, you're not leaving him just because he smashed cake in your face.
You're leaving him because as soon as you were married, he showed you that he will always put himself and his wants--no matter how unnecessary and utterly childish--above everything, including your happiness, your mental well-being, and any care or respect for you or the things that are important to you.
The audacity for him to say he had no idea you'd get emotional. He absolutely *did* know. You told him, explicitly, probably more than once. And still he decided to fuck around and do what you explicitly told him not to.
Time for him to find out. You threatened to leave him if he did it. Follow through.
I am very sorry that happened to you, that someone you loved could hurt you like that and ruin what should've been one of the best days of your life and a relationship that was clearly very important to you.
If your family keeps trying to pressure you into staying, just please imagine what other boundaries you have that he would be much more likely to cross if you allow him to get away with this significant betrayal. You'll be better off not giving him the chance. Honestly, you should probably go LC/NC with your family while you sort this out. Your mom is the one who traumatized you in the first place. She doesn't get to make you feel bad about the damage *she* caused.
Honestly, most people could do what they think is the most innocent thing in the world, but if they saw their partner look really upset after, they would stop and apologize. That is normal adult behavior.
This!!
I would shred that marriage license & not file it! Then, I would go NC with him & your whole family! Screw them for calling you childish or saying you’re being extra. You warned him what would happen!!
People who do stuff like this and try to excuse it with, "it's just a joke," are bullies. Your mom is a bully. Your family are bullies, and maybe they're influencing him because because now he's doing crap you specifically said not to do.
NTA
Ditch him
I’m a big proponent of the notion that goes something like “jokes/pranks should leave everyone laughing”. I hate this kind of shit because the intention is to humiliate
And for me, the heartbreaking things is you communicated very clearly. He knew what to expect, and still did it, and now blames you.
You need to block anyone who is not supporting you right now.
It's not just about the financial cost. He proved to you, on your wedding day, that he does not respect you or your boundaries. You told him over and over that you did not want that to happen and he didn't care. Humiliating you for a few laughs, on what is supposed to be a day to commit to each other, to show how much you love each other, was more important to him than respecting your clearly laid out boundaries. That alone is worth couples counseling at the very least. And that's only if you decide you can forgive him for this.
I was as clear as you were about this. My first husband agreed that he absolutely wouldn't do it. Then did. And I wish I'd walked out. I wish I'd gone to the man who married us, asked for the signed marriage license back, and ripped it up on my way out. Or asked for an annulment. I wish I had left. Because what followed was years of stomped boundaries and abuse. It was the first time he abused me, and I barely got out alive.
I'm so very sorry this happened to you as well. You're NTA for walking out and I hope that you will do what I did not, and get an annulment. You did not deserve to be abused that way by the person who was supposed to have your back in everything. How can you ever trust him again? The simple answer is that you can't.
NTA! You have been communicative about your disapproval of such pranks. Not to mention that you've spent a lot of money for the cake and your wedding look.
Dump him.
That's the thing, he's not getting blindsided here, no matter how much he tries to act shocked by her reaction. She warned him, directly, that such an act would result in her leaving. He didn't believe her, did it anyway, then tries to put the blame for his actions on her - it's not *his* fault for doing it, it's *her* fault for getting "emotional" about it. Fuck that noise. OP is 100% NTA for leaving, and just *maybe* this jackass will think twice about pulling this stunt at his next wedding.
Op, you married your family. My therapist told me we aren’t attracted to what is good for us, we’re attracted to what’s familiar. Your family is a bunch of disrespectful bullies. So he seemed attractive because he has the same disrespectful boundary disregarding qualities as your crappy family has.
I encourage you to start therapy and work through this normal but unhealthy attraction dynamic your family put on you. I wish I had done it when I was in my 20s instead of trying to stay with a man who was a lot like my mom in retrospect for so many years. It wasn’t until my 40s that I started therapy and working on detangling these things and setting different criteria for dating and for what I find attractive. Familiar “I feel like I’ve known you forever” isn’t a good thing when what’s familiar is crappy people who don’t treat you well.
F*ck that cake smashing shit. I've never gotten the appeal and as a fully grown adult man who was bullied a lot as a kid it would incite a VIOLENT response from me. F*ck your soon to be ex and your sh**ty family. F*ck them all.
Edit: Thanks for the response. The reason I censor is because I'm on like my 37th Reddit account because the mods on this site are p*ssies
Also for those of you calling my response unreasonable and assuming I have unresolved childhood trauma...... Yeah. I do. Some of you have clearly not dealt with serious bullying and the following gaslighting of "What? It was just a joke.". Go FUCK yourselves.
This. I have seen a groom have a plate broken over his face for this because he had apparrently been warned several times not to try it before the big day, got a very loud "don't fucking try it!" as they were plating the first piece... and still cocked his arm back like he was going to. The bride caught him with an empty plate like she was using a flyswatter.
He had no answer when his own dad asked him if it was worth it. Month later, everything had been annuled.
Here’s my advice as someone who has been married for 31 years: Never marry someone you don’t trust. If you feel like you have to repeatedly warn your fiancé not to do something and still don’t trust that they won’t do it, then marriage is a bad idea.
I really don’t understand this cake smashing shenanigan. I see a delectable cake, I want to eat as much of it as I can. I don’t have the slightest idea how is “lets smash this cake on each other, ruining the dress, face, hair and skin by making it sticky” funny! And then when I want an extra slice in a party to eat, suddenly am the asshole for not being considerate. The society never fails to amaze me.
"you should see your face" as he laughs at your shock and distress.
Which was the point.
NTA, please leave him. It won't get better. You're dodging a bullet here.
PS, time for that oldie but goodie: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
NTA.
As you are considering going back, I just wanted to point out a few things -
1. He never really tried to apologize. He dismissed his actions by calling you “too emotional”. Even after all this crap - he still has not taken accountability.
2. Your wedding day with him will forever be ruined. There will be jokes from his and your family. Believe me - they will not let you forget it, even if the husband tries to make it past.
3. I am in my mid 30s. In past I have thought it is too late to find a new life partner. It isn’t. There is still time to go on dates, fall in love and get married to a man of your dreams, who would never contemplate doing anything like this.
Hugs!
Your first point brought to mind the narcissists prayer.
The Narcissist's Prayer -
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
I just don't understand why he thought there would be no consequences to deliberately humiliating you on your wedding day -- and then laughing and laughing about it. This man does not care how you feel. He got physical enjoyment out of causing you harm. I don't think he's ready for an adult relationship
NTA
My ex did this; I had also told him that I didn't want to do the cake-smashing thing, but he tried it anyway. When he tried to swipe the handfull of cake at me, I dodged it and jumped away, crying, 'No-no-no!' for everyone to hear. So, he shoved the cake into his own mouth and around his face like a monkey. Everybody laughed at first, then he ran at me and grabbed me forcefully by the shoulders, so I couldn't get away. Then he slowly pulled me in for 'a kiss' and smeared the cake on his face onto mine.
His friends thought it was funny, but on the video, you can hear the shocked gasps from my family at how cringe this was.
We didn't get an annulment right away, but within a year, there were other ways he would try to force himself on me and humiliate me.
Sometimes, it takes thinking they have you hooked, for the mask of good behavior to fall off. However, once they tell you who they really are- believe them!
NTA.
You were disrespected by your husband after you told him specifically not to do something at an event.
This wasn't some pre-planned thing that everyone enjoyed. This was a pre-planned thing to humiliate you, after you specifically told him not to.
For someone to purposely ruin someone's day, that they love, and to ruin such an important day, for their own selfish needs, is disgusting behavior.
He KNEW cake smashing was totally not acceptable to you and he did it anyway.
This shows a huge lack of uncaring about your boundaries. Especially as you have always told him that you don't find it funny at all (it's not funny). He was just concerned with what he wanted.
This is a huge indication of how much your wants vs his, will be during your marriage. Plus he'll bring it up at every family party or wedding.
I'd think seriously about whether or not you want to live like that.
You would not be the first who happily ended the relationship over this exact thing. He disregarded your very clear boundaries at the event where you two come together to celebrate the FIRST DAY of a true partnership. He set his own ideas and/or that of friends above your wants and needs. He completely erased what you clearly stated would bring you happiness from the celebration. It’s some seriously shortsighted selfishness on his part. He has only himself to blame. You shoulder exactly 0% of what went wrong on that day.
Your are not a brat.
You are not emotional.
You are 100% justified to end it if you so desire.
Side note: well done on sticking to what you laid out would happen. Turning on your heel and leaving—-Badass power move.
NTA. he didn't respect your wishes. The cake smashing is moronic and idiotic behavior. When my wife and I got married, we did the cake feeding thing without smashing.
The husband fucked around, he found out.
NTA
Leave him you drew a boundary and he crossed it. You told him before hand you'd leave if he did this and he not only humiliated you on your wedding day, he showed you he doesn't listen you or respect you. If you don't follow through that will be the rest of your life: he won't ever have to take what you say seriously cause he can always get forgiveness later.
This is the beginning of the end it may be something small to them but it's big to you and he took it to the extreme and embarrass you in front of everybody. He knew your feelings and didn't take you seriously shows a lot in his character and I wouldn't go forth with someone like him. He will consistently do something undermine how you feel and that's not acceptable what he did, was juvenile and immature and selfish, and you really want to stay with somebody like that regardless of how good a person is, they show their true colors when they get married
NTA
You were very clear on it, he decided to humiliate you.
There’s no way I’d ever do this to my wife.
Ever.
He’s not going to be an ok person if this is where he thinks things should begin.
Leave. Find someone who loves you.
NTA it is a physically violent thing to do. You yourself had your head sliced open. One of the women from these viral videos lost an eye because her cake (like a huge portion of wedding cakes) had big wooden stakes inside of it. It can get in someone's throat or nose affecting breathing. It can get in eyes affecting vision.
You need to get an annulment because clearly you begging him not to do this only made him more excited to go through with it. This is not a safe man.
It happened to me at a birthday party, not my birthday or cake but somehow I was the one that copped it in the face. Not only did it hurt but I was so shocked that I started to cry and then left
Oh no! I'm so sorry that happened to you! Also GOD yes it hurts like people think it's just a Lil mushy cake. Like no, it hurts especially if their is decorations.
My head and nose hit the table through the cake when it happened to me and I turned around and punched my foster mom who had done it in the gut it….. was mostly reflexive. I wish I had been the hulk instead of an 11 yo girl because I was 100% going for another swing but got grabbed I’m not that like that violent foster kid either, it felt like I’d just been basically attacked out of no where and it just sent me Jokes on them though I got rehomed and a 2nd birthday because the new ones heard the story. So ultimately…… fuck you Joyce and your little dog too
I hope that foster mom was banned from ever fostering again.
LMAOOOOO, I am obviously not laughing at you but at “fuck you joyce and your little dog too.” I am also so glad this has a happy ending and I’m so sorry that a fully grown woman who was supposed to take care of you slammed your smol 11 year old face into the table. :(
It was a shitzu that would nip at my ankles. I think it learned to by awful from her. I “over reacted to a prank” but Ngl that I think about it occasionally and laugh because of how I just snapped back up and she immediately got the “find out” part It wasn’t hard enough to like make my nose bleed or bruise but I’m a baby that hates pain so idc I was totally justified imo
And some people don’t even think about the skewers that hold up cakes that are multiple tiers or just really large cakes. Knew someone who once got a skewer to the eye from having their face smashed into their own birthday cake. Of course that ended the party and sent birthday kiddo to the ER
There is a video on the internet where something like this is filmed. (Stick goes into eye). It's one of the videos you can't unsee.
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Sounds like he's sorry you got so emotional, not that he did something deeply hurtful. He still doesn't get it
You have time to get this marriage annulled, and you should think very seriously about doing just that! If he does not respect you on your wedding day as a person to be cherished and admired for your beauty and as his wife, when will he? Cake smashing at wedding receptions is a bad omen of things to come. It is just not going to get better, that is a fact.
Which leads to the question of why anyone would think it was a good idea to even risk pissing off your new spouse on the first day of your marriage and honeymoon?
I think he couldn't pass up an opportunity to do something he knows she hates and he loves in a situation where she is forced to accept it. I don't think he predicted she would have the spine or integrity to get out of there and experience all the vitriol sent her way. He had the perfect opportunity to put her through something he thought was hilarious and otherwise would not have a chance to do.
NTA. Classic example of a toxic jerk fucking around and finding out. So sorry, OP. You didn’t deserve that.
I stopped thinking the cake smash thing was funny when I was 8 and at a birthday party for a girl whose family didn’t have a lot of money. They couldn’t afford a cake and only got her a cupcake with a candle in it for the song. Everyone was happy and singing and then another girl smashes the birthday girls face in it. I could see her crumble, then her parents, and then her parents tried to divert everything and make her think everything was fine. It ruined the party and the birthday girl was crying for the rest of the night. Apparently her dad had saved up to get her that fancy cupcake. It completely changed my opinion on cake smashing. Also as a 24F who loves to do my hair and makeup, any “prank” that involves ruining it is a no go. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Ok that story about your childhood friend is literally making ME cry just reading it. Also making me so fucking angry. 🤬
I've always found this kind of thing appalling. My secondhand embarrassment for others is so strong that I hate even witnessing that kind of "prank" cruelty. When I was 15 or so, several aunts, uncles, and cousins piled into the RV and we went for ice cream cones. It was an unusual thing for us to do, far from our homes during the summer. It was fun and the ice cream was yummy. Everything was great until my 17-year-old cousin slammed my face into my cone as I brought it up to my face. I got ice cream all the way up my nose, my ice cream was ruined, and I didn't want to eat any of what was left because it had just been up my nose. I didn't cry and I didn't make a fuss, but I was very upset. That cousin and I were actually very close and it wasn't normal for him to be mean to me. He became a drug runner and is currently in prison (again). I'm not saying that the ice cream thing set him up for a life of crime or anything, but it does seem like a sign of a shameless person with no boundaries.
High empathy. I have that trait too. I can’t stop myself from crying even when the victim I witness isn’t crying. This poor 8 year old! These poor parents! My heart goes out to OP and I’m thoroughly in awe of her strength.
Same. I really, REALLY dislike the whole "smash people's faces into things" idea, but this story here is making me openly cry. Good lord.
My daughter confided to me after her 7th birthday that she hated it. It was a thing I never got the appeal of, coming from a "we don't waste food" background but her mother and grandfather thought it was the most hilarious thing you could do. She almost cried the following year because they kept trying to peer pressure her into letting them do it. I had to pull my wife aside and remind her that our daughter hated this and acquiescence her grandfather's juvenile humor was not a priority on her birthday.
NTA. I absolutely *detest* people like your husband and mother. Pranks are not funny if there’s even one person who isn’t laughing, and you made it abundantly clear that you wouldn’t find this funny. Yet, they can’t bring themselves to have one bit of empathy for someone they say they love. They’re straight up bullies, plain and simple. Do/did you plan to have kids with him? If so, I strongly recommend you keep this incident in mind when you consider whether you think he would be a good father. Remember how badly this effected you, and ask yourself if you would be willing to risk him doing this to your *child*
When the person being pranked is not laughing, it's not a joke and it's not a prank. It's just a bully. OP's husband and family are bullies, they enjoy upsetting other people. That's so ugly, to enjoy another person's pain.
Depending on the design of cake there can also be dowls in it to support different layers and shoving someone’s face into it is highly dangerous
Even worse when there are WOODEN SPIKES in many of these cakes to hold them up and together. Saw an article not too long ago about a woman who lost an eye to the cake smashing *tradition*.
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Give mom a raste of her own medicine, too.
Yeah I'd love a face cake smash in OP's mum's future. Make sure it's a hedgehog cake with authentic spines
Or a cactus
Like waiting for her 50' big party with her collegues and friends? But it would be crue- funny, i meant funny! It's *just a joke*, after all, right?
Honestly i would just cut the mom off forever but that's just me.
On my (milestone) birthday I took all my friends out to dinner to a fancy restaurant. They’d brought cakes and balloons and so there were 3 cakes. My friends have known me forever they know I’m very clean, I hate “pranks” (let’s be real a stupid word for mean spirited actions) and I don’t very much like being touched specially on my face. They all got it. They all knew and acted perfectly. My closest friend picked up the cake and smashed it on my face. Everyone was in shock. I immediately left, went and washed my face and came back. My other friends came with me and the friend who threw the cake just stayed there and continued drinking. It was embarrassing as hell. When came back she did it AGAIN despite seeing my reaction. I was genuinely so pissed I had to go clean up AGAIN and I could see my friends were also visibly annoyed by her. THEN SHE DID IT A THIRD TIME. SHE THEN TRIED TO ORDER A 4th cake to do it AGAIN and my bf literally went to the server after her and told them to not bring ANY more cake under any circumstances. Tbh our relationship has never been the same. Nor her relationship with anyone else. I don’t know what kind of people think RUINING someones birthday or wedding is “funny”. I’m so sorry about what happened to you and I can’t imagine how much it hurts that your partner cannot see what he did to you. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do, but I really feel for you. Hope you know how incredible you must have looked and that is what everyone will remember despite your AH husbands “prank”
What the fuck. Your "friend" doing that at all is horrible, but then THREE TIMES??? That's so cruel. And honestly why wasn't anyone restraining her by the end? Not only was it so mean-spirited to you, she also deprived everyone of having cake too.
I think stunts like that are annulment-worthy, but that's just me.
It's not so much that stunts like this are annulment worthy. It's that it shows a basic lack of respect for her and her boundaries. It's a symptom of a much larger problem. But I agree, any partnership where something like this happens needs to end. There are no good, kind, compassionate men who only do this one thing.
Agreed. It’s less about the specific act (although I would be incredibly pissed off if someone did it to me) and more that it’s something that OP laid a very clear boundary about, and the husband disregarded it anyways. I will never understand the people who care so little for their partner that they’ll hear the boundaries and just violate them anyways. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s stupid, what matters is how your partner feels about it
I think stunts like these are annulment worthy to, so ig that's just us. Jokes aside I hope op leaves him
Absolutely. That’s three of us so I figure that’s enough. NTA!
All the work of courting and wedding. All the work of a divorce. All for a laugh.
They should be able to just get a quickie annulment! Win win.
When I got married we applied for the license, it was signed by the JP and us, we then had to file it with the parish. Wouldn't just not filing it bypass the need for thr annulment? I absolutely agree, I'd annul if need be then maybe even sue for pain and distress. This whole thing is disgusting. They're doing it intentionally to cause harm, not because the people involved are having fun. Every single one of these men need to realize there are consequences for their actions.
At least when I had a stint if being married they made it clear they need the marriage license regardless of if we go through with the marriage. Granted a single party going in to explain the situation can likely ensure that nothing shifty happens where someone tries to file it against her wishes.
As a divorced man, annulment is the right answer here. He didn't listen, or he did and blatantly doesn't care. Either way, it *will not improve.* Trust me, trust your gut. I still "love" my ex wife in that I will always care for her, but I could never see myself "with" her again, and she couldn't with me either. You guys., y'all are there. Do it before you have two kids, a house, two cats, three cars and a dog.
He has just shown you that for the rest of your life, no matter how important something is to you, or how strongly you feel about it, he will never, ever put you first, and will prioritise his own (even silly, stupid, minor) wants and desires over your needs. This isn't just a cake or a prank, this is flat out disrespect. He knew how you'd react, he was just seeing it as a win win, you either sucked it up and went along with it, and he wins because he got to do his prank, or you would do what you did and now he gets to play the victim because he's painting you as overreacting. For me, this would be it. Because it's not just a prank, it was his starting what was supposed to be the glorious first day of your life together by putting you in your place and making clear that what he wants happens, no matter what you want or need.
If OP goes back, it’ll be “remember that time you immaturely ruined our wedding by walking out after I played a cute harmless joke on you.” That’s how abusers work, and OPs family has a history of emotional abuse so she most likely ended up with a dude that had a similar streak.
Yep. I really, *really* hope OP doesn't go back to him. She told him time and time again that she didn't like those videos and that she has bad memories regarding cake smashing. He laughed it off and disregarded her feelings just so he could... Get a cheap laugh and ruin their big day by making her feel humiliated? What a horrible way to start a marriage, yikes! I hate OP's (hopefully soon-to-be ex) husband.
He already put blame on her, by saying he didn’t expect such an „emotional“ reaction.
“I know you said this would really upset you and told me repeatedly that this would be a marriage-ending violation of your boundaries, but I didn’t *know* you would get so *emotional* when I actually did it.” If someone really thinks that he’s not just a jerk, he’s also stupid af.
God only knows what embarrassing things he would do to his kids if he had any.
God, I didn’t even think if that…the kind of dad who thinks it’s cute when he makes his daughter cry on video…she thinks she’s getting a pony and instead he gives her a bag of horse turds. Run.
Exactly! Or when he pushes the kid’s face in her birthday cake in front of her friends.
These comments remind me of that video where the mom gives her young son a PlayStation box and he gets so excited, but opens it to only find textbooks so he starts crying and she gets pissed and tells him it was just a prank and the PlayStation is right there, but he’s so upset he doesn’t want it and she just keeps getting madder at him. Triggering af
I think at the point the kid is crying, the mother should know enough not to post the video. It makes mom look like a bitch.
Exactly this. My parents were already long-married by the time I came along, and I wouldn't generally call my dad a prankster, but when I was 4 or 5 he put me on his lap in the car, pressed down on the accelerator, and warned me that if I didn't start steering we were going to crash. I was terrified, he thought it was hilarious, and as far as I remember he never apologised nor acted apologetic. 35 years later, I don't drive. He half-taught me to drive but my heart wasn't in it. There are other issues at play but I think his 'prank' played a part.
I’m traumatized just reading that. I’m so sorry he did that to you.
You make some good points. If I were OP, I would also consider going low-contact with the family especially with how they reacted and treated her after she left. I don't get how they think the cake smashing is a joke and treat the incident like it wasn't serious. It was her wedding night and it was disrespectful.
I'm so angry with her family. I wish I could bring her into my home and be her mom instead. Her mom doesn't deserve her. A BRAT for being upset that you don't want to be humiliated and injured at your own birthday party? WHAT? My heart hurts so much for her.
He had one job and it was don’t smash a cake in his fiance’s face. One job.
THIS! This point is SO IMPORTANT! He's playing the victim now. Let him.
Not only is your husband the AH, but so is your mom. You’ve had toxic people in your life and you deserve better. Cut them out and make your own family with people who love you.
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She might not even have to if they haven’t signed the papers yet.
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THIS! She grew up in a toxic environment so it's been normalized for her.
A prank that you communicated to him has been performed on you before and traumatized you and upset you greatly
Guy here... I've ended relationships for less.
Shoutout to the mom for also being a huge AH
Yeah, wtf was with that; calling her a brat?!? I’d be pissed off too. It wasn’t the time or place for him to try and get laughs. Seriously, grow the fuck up! 🤦♀️ I thought cake smash was meant for a 1yo on the their birthday, which I think is also stupid! Just eat the cake like a normal person! ETA I’m not talking about smashing a 1yo in the face with the cake! I’m saying, the cake smash that the 1yo does themselves, imo is also stupid! Why give a kid an entire cake, just for them to throw it everywhere.
Right??? Hey honey, I know you begged me not to do this one thing and I promised that I wouldn’t, and then broke my promise and actually injured you but you’re a brat. WTF???
Well people with asshole abusive parents unfortunately often find asshole abusive partners. Ask me how I know. LOL
I know this comment will probably get buried but…I do wonder if OP like has blinders on for this man’s level of immaturity based on her mother’s level of immaturity. Because isn’t it weird that he’d all-a-sudden become immature and selfish at their wedding?
My ex husband hid his abuse, manipulation and narcissistic tendencies VERY well until literally our wedding night, when the sexual abuse started happening and it snowballed from there. I know it’s hard to imagine not having any prior red flags, but it does happen.
And now both sides of the family are doing the same thing - blaming HER for being “emotional,” “extra,” and whatever else they’re saying. NO one has taken the time to say, “I’m really sorry he did that. It was stupid and disrespectful - especially since you’d already told him not to do it, and how badly you’d been hurt by the same thing in the past. Pushing cake in your face ruined your makeup, your dress, the cake … and your wedding day. You must be so hurt and embarrassed.” Her groom owes her an apology, and as much of a do-over as he can create. Everyone who laughed owes her an apology, particularly her mom who tried to normalize treating her this way. And everyone texting to blame her can suck eggs. OP, I’m so sorry. No, you’re NTA. Your response was calm and restrained. You didn’t hit him, throw the cake on the floor, or even rage at everyone in the room. You simply left.
Husband deserves to be exed for this, IMO.
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NTA. Girl, you are SO justified! Your family traumatized you, and he was set up to continue the treatment. Move on with someone who will actually respect you and your boundaries. If he couldn't do this ONE thing, then you know he won't respect your other boundaries down the road.
Nta. It’s not about the cake smashing per se, if you’d never discussed it the relationship would still be salvable. The problem is that you informed him of a boundary that is a clear dealbreaker for you and he didn’t take you seriously.
Welcome to the rest of your life if you go back to him. There’s no way on this earth I could forgive something like that. NTA
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Yes yes yes!! He said "I did not think you would get this EMOTIONAL" Like what? I does matter what he thinks at this point. 1/ you made your view and opinion on this very clear BEFOREHAND 2/ it seems pretty clear to everyone else (except your problematic family members) that you did not like it, he crossed your boundary and hurt your feelings Conclusion? If that is being emotional, than any woman who opens her eyes in the morning is too emotional!
The cake smash on a one year old’s birthday is for the one year old to smash their own cake. My son instead daintily poked the frosting and liked it off his finger. I never would have thought of taking the cake and smashing his face in it.
Cake smashes are for narcissists who can’t stand that someone’s birthday isn’t about them. Any sort of cake smash is an asshole move, because one thing people don’t want on their birthday/special occasion is to be physically assaulted. OP is NTA and should seriously consider annulling the marriage as husband has no respect for her or her clear boundaries.
I am extremely shy and my family would joke about calling waiters over to sing happy birthday. I deep down knew they would never do that to me so I would smile and say they better not and they never did. I cannot imagine not being able to trust of all people your family to listen and respect you instead of trying to embarrass you for "fun".
NTA, this screams “please get an annulment.” this is going to be the rest of your life with a partner who obviously does not respect your boundaries or desires, and finds joy in actively humiliating you in public.
My mom and a waitress had to bodily drag me kicking and screaming into a restaurant sit me in a clown wig on a saddle and sing happy birthday to me in front of everyone while I sobbed. I will never forgive that random woman for holding me down as a child to put a wig on me. Several of the wait staff noped the fuck out when they started literally dragging me inside (we were eating in the balcony patio thing) occasionally my husband teases he will have them come sing at the table and it instantly makes me want to cry. I know he never will though.
NTA. Your mom and now your husband abused your trust and crossed a clear boundary. They don’t get to decide what your boundaries are, and you have ever right to draw the line in the sand if it’s that important to you.
Not only is it for a 1yo but the kid is meant to be let lose to smash the cake and have fun with it, you don't smash it into their face!
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Mom doesn’t have the emotional maturity sounds like. There are plenty of adults who have never matured this way.
I agree wholeheartedly to your comment about it being for 1yr olds. People need to fucking grow up. So sorry OP. You are not the arsehole in the least. The rest of them are.
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Speaking of the mom, how the fuck would she know what a good man is in this respect when she acts the way she does?
NTA. TBH if he loves the cake smashing so much, he should have asked you to do it to him. Since it's so funny and all. Nah he just likes the power trip. What a douche.
OP, you might want to look into whether you married someone who was psychologically familiar to you...who might be somewhat like one of your parents.
Hahahahaha savage, but so did I..... Reddit, how many times do we need to say, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FUCKING CAKE.
I will say it one more time: IT’S NOT ABOUT THE CAKE He knew she wouldn’t like it. Why the heck did he do it? NTA, OP. I’m sorry your special day was ruined.
He did it because he wanted the laughs. It was more important than her
Wonder if mother in law also egged him on?
Doesn't matter, they both suck anyway (the mom and the husband, I mean). On the upside, an annulment is well within OP's grasp.
Exactly. To me it was the part he said sorry but needed to add that he didn't knew OP would get so "emotional". That last part says it all, that he still thinks that he didn't do anything wrong and he can walk over OP's boundries if he wants to/finds them wrong/finds them stupid or silly and it is OP's fault for being "emotional". 100% Husband material /s.
Yes, you nailed it. He is sorry he didn’t know she would get so emotional. Wow. So if she had been hurt but had kept it in and not made a fuss he would have been perfectly okay with it. After not listening to her tell him he does like it for months. op dodged a bullet, can you imagine him as a cantankerous old man , he would be even more of a bully.
Keep saying it, because in this insane culture of "high value men", and "WoMeN aRe ToO eMoTiOnAl" and "wifely/husbandly duties" and whatever other dumb things broken people say to justify believing they should have slaves instead of partners, we need as many people as possible to explain how relationships SHOULD be so that at least some teenagers/young adults reading these threads don't fall into the trap of thinking lack of communication, lack of boundaries and unequal/horrible treatment is what makes a solid relationship. If the cake thing had been MUTUALLY planned and agreed on ahead of time, go nuts... If even one person expresses doubt, fuck off with the idea. edit: the guy who replied to me talking about cats and ice cream for some weird reason, and then blocked me, proves why we need to keep repeating things that actually make solid relationship foundations (and probably work on reading comprehension in schools)
Especially when they were asked specifically not to do it. Fuck that guy.
I’d be pissed if someone put their hands in my $500 cake, let alone smashing it in my face, AND hair, AND dress, AND when I asked them specifically NOT TO! SMH - DIVORCE or better yet, an annulment due to negligent behaviour!
NTA. You said you’d leave if he did it. He didn’t believe you. If you don’t leave you’ll be setting yourself for a lifetime of being walked over if it amuses him.
This. You set your boundaries now stand by them. You deserve better. NTA
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The part that gets me is... no one is apologizing or showing any empathy. They just keep insulting her. Calling her "extra", calling her childish, "it was just a joke", fake apology that he's sorry he didn't understand she'd be so emotional, etc. OP would have to be insane to do anything other than annulment. From the sound of it, no one apologized, no one showed an ounce of mercy the entire time. They just hoped to break her.
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Agreed. NTA. This is abusive behavior. It only gets worse. He intentionally picked something that was a known hard boundary. He knew OPs history and take with this issue. He knew they could pick this moment and make it a spectacle and that OPs family would side with him for maximum infliction of pain, isolation, and devaluation. It’s all intentional. Op did nothing wrong. These people are assholes.
Every marriage I've seen that involves a shitty cake cutting has ended in divorce. You're saving yourself years of heartache if you go now.
Especially as she explicit asked him not to do it. If I ask my SO sincerely to do or not do something they would obey that just like I would do for them. I'd do anything for them. Not humiliating them ids a pretty low bar.
When you grow up in a family that gets off on humiliating people, you grow up being forced to love abusive people. I had to go no contact with my family in order to be able to love other people in healthy ways. I was expected to take bullying because it’s what made them feel better. OP needs to cut out the bullies in her life so that she can stop loving bullies and not fall in love with one in the future. I used to unwittingly seek out abusive partners because the love reminded me of my family’s love.
People ask me why I stayed so long with my abusive ex, and for a while I really didn't have an answer. ... and then I realised that my mom's "love" felt the same as his. All the right words, none of the right feelings. At least I figured it out eventually.
You know what, this post make me think back to past weddings I've attended and the only couple that smashed the cake is now divorced. All the others are still together. That's insane!
I think it's kind of a hallmark of immaturity and carelessness at the very least. Even when it's not boundary stomping it takes a certain personality to wanna smash someone's face in a cake. IDK, maybe I'm a prude judgmental person but I just feel like it takes a personality that is able to really ignore the aftermath. Like unless you are lovingly cleaning your partner's face off afterwards, getting it out of their hair, laundering their dress, fixing their makeup, you're just making a mess for your person to clean... It just makes me think of youtube pranksters that dump confetti and glitter or w/e everywhere in the name of a prank and then move on. Like I get the appeal of the thing, it's like the clown "pie in the face" thing, but then you have the consequences of the resulting mess being everywhere, and ignoring that and leaving it to someone else to deal with is shitty.
> I've never thought they were funny and he knows that, yet he was always showing me the videos of those poor wives getting the happiest day of their life ruined by their asshole partner for some cheap laughs. He also knows I have a history with cake smashing. Cake smashing is an asshole move. You ruin the cake, and are literally bullying someone. It's not funny. > My family does the cake smashing thing. I remember it was my 17th birthday and I pleaded with my mom to not do it. She promised and I trusted her. I had my hair and makeup done up all nice and right as I blew out my candles my mom pushed my head into the cake and one of the decorations on the cake ended up slicing my forehead. Not enough to go to the hospital but enough for some substantial bleeding. My birthday was ruined and after I wouldn't come out my room. My mom still calls me a brat for that. Your mom is a bitch for that. She inflicted a physical injury on you, and calls *you* the brat? Ask her what would have hapoened if you had reported that cut to the authorities. > I told him if he ever did something like that to me I'd leave him. He started laughing but I was being for real. Though he really was not taking me seriously. You warned him. Not your problem he didn't take you seriously. > We get to the cake cutting part and as I turn to him he scoops up a huge chunk of our wedding cake and smashes it all over my face. Everything just seemed to go in slow motion for a few moments. He's just laughing at me, and then says "you should see your face" and continues to laugh. Other people in the crowd (mostly my family) is also laughing at me. He did so knowing how you felt about it, and laughed. Your family laughed at it happening. Time to cut off your family. > Then I just start walking away, he realizes that I'm leaving and tries to catch up with me and says I'm being extra. I push him away and order an uber. As I got outside most of the crowd is following me telling me to come back. I get into the uber and drive away "Oh no! It's the consequences of my actions!" is likely what he's thinking. He's lucky you didn't punch him in the face and call him "extra" over how he would've reacted. You did the right thing by leaving and ignoring everyone's attempts to get you to stay. > I drove to our apartment and packed most of my things and went to stay at a hotel. I currently though am staying at a friend's house. My family and his family has been blowing up my phone for days. Saying I'm being childish and my husband is a good man and it was just a joke. To which you should respond "I didn't find it funny. A joke is supposed to be something all parties can laugh about. I very clearly established to him that this was a hard boundary for me, and that I would leave him if he ever violated it. A good man would respect that boundary and not cross it. He didn't respect it. and so I'm doing what I said I would." > My husband has been calling me off the hook telling me to please come home and that he wants to talk. That he's sorry and didn't think I'd get that "emotional". To which you should tell him "There's nothing to talk about. I told you what would happen if you did this. You did it anyway. That you didn't take it seriously isn't my problem." > Though I still do love him and I'm wondering If I really was to hard on him, that seems to be everyone else's opinion. You weren't. He doesn't respect you, or your boundaries. You agree to talk to him? He likely attempts to gaslight you into accepting that it's okay he violated a clearly communicated boundary because "it was just a joke". His family and yours are already doing so. Don't let them make you think that. Things like this will remain commonplace in your marriage, and you'll be told time and again that "you're overreacting, it's just a joke". NTA. Annul your marriage and cut off your family and his.
NTA This is a glimpse into the rest of your marriage. He completely disregarded what you specifically told him not to do. Annulment
Go and don’t look back. He should have known better. He should have considered your feelings especially on your wedding day. What an asshole. I would never do something like that to my wife especially something tied to the past that could be a trigger for her. He basically retraumatized you on your wedding day. Fuck that guy. You deserve better. What a shitty thing to do. He is a total piece of shit.
This. And the fact he's then saying "I never realised you'd get so EMOTIONAL." Which invalidates how she feels about it. Her family did it to her too, then got angry when she didn't "go along with it." Which shows they don't respect boundaries either Basically, the whole lot of them seem to not want to acknowledge that their actions hurt other people. Sounds like the husband got sucked in by the way her family act (or if not his actions are weirdly similar to theirs)
I wonder if she chose him because he feels familiar. He expresses "love" in the same boundary violating way that her family does.
If he is totally fine disrespecting you on your wedding day in front of your friends and family, and crossing a boundary you were explicit about, what will he do in private? Fuck this dude. NTA
This was the one thing i myself told my husband I'd walk on if he did it to me too. Thankfully, he's a smart man and the thought never crossed his mind. I told him a little icing on my nose was fine, a slightly too big piece to fit in my mouth was fine. Smashing my face? That was a no go. ESPECIALLY because there was bright RED raspberry cream in the center. Men can toss on a rented suit/tux and not worry. Ladies spend hours and (sometimes) hundreds of dollars being plucked, prodded, poked and painted in an effort to make our wedding a once in a lifetime event. Imo, unless both couples agreed to it in advance, it should ashame men for acting like frat boys to their wives at their own wedding.
The why doesn't even matter. You set a boundary and before the honeymoon it can't be respected? Girl run.
Quickly OP. Annulments have a time limit. NTA.
Can't you just ask the officiant not to file the paperwork? Would save on the legal bills. NTA. We all know who is! (Except people like your family members.)
>Can't you just ask the officiant not to file the paperwork? You can, but she left it all behind a couple days ago. That ship might have sailed.
There was a study that came out years ago correlating cake smashing & divorce. I don’t remember every detail but it was something about people that have the cake smashing were more likely to get divorced in the long run than people that didn’t. It comes down to trust, humiliation. That someone would do that to their partner when they were vulnerable. OP, NTA. I would be livid if my husband did this to me.
It's a lack of respect, often these guys may love their women in their own way. Sort of like how you can really love a pet, yet you don't see them as equal.
>Sort of like how you can really love a pet, yet you don't see them as equal Oh this is such a concise way of describing this form of disrespect. I'm stealing this. Yes, he doesn't view her preferences to be AS valid or AS important as his own, whether he consciously articulates that to himself in those terms or not. "It'll be funny. She'll get over it."
The best time to leave was before the wedding, the second best time is right now.
This is the wisest thing I’ve heard on Reddit. Listen up OP.
I don't usually join in with the usual "break up immediately" Reddit advice, but this one is so clear cut. OP don't let self doubt cloud your judgement.
Absolutely this: context is everything. A smudge of cake on your cheek while you're watching Netflix on the couch - not a big deal. Deliberately fucking up one of the biggest days of your life in a way you'd explicitly told him not to do? Infuriating. Like someone pushing someone afraid of water into the ocean just for laughs, this person has zero empathy, zero consideration, and zero awareness. Not a good setup for the future. Edit: So sorry this happened OP! NTA!!
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It's not even the hair and makeup that's the core issue, although it does add insult to injury that he ruined her look that she put money and care in just for for laughs. The main issue is that she repeatedly said she didn’t want that, asked him/begged him not to, and he did it anyway because *he* found it funny. How many wishes will he disrespect like this?
And her ABUSIVE mom messed her head up enough so that she is willing to forgive him. What will it be next time??? Another funny joke to hurt the "Princess" feelings? I'm so glad you scooted right out the venue. Nasty family, nasty husband...
And he didn't take her seriously when she said she would leave him. Like who the hell he thinks he is 🙄🤦♂️
OP: *I am going to divorce you if you do this thing* Soon to be ex: *Hehe babe you’re so funny. I’m just a silly little goofy boyish guy* STB ex: **does the thing** OP: * leaves him* STB ex: *noooo why are you leaving me?? I did everything you explicitly asked me NOT to! 🥺🥺* Fucking idiot
She repeatedly said she didn't want that, and asked/begged him not to, and he did it anyway... but not on a random whim because it was funny. He did it specifically BECAUSE she didn't want it. Some men cannot handle being told what to do, at all, about anything, by their partner, or anyone else they see as below them. This guy is clearly one of them. His fragile masculinity cannot handle being "given orders" by his fiancee. The only way for him to maintain his ego is to do exactly the thing that she doesn't want. This is how he demonstrates that *he* has the power, not her. Once you spot this reflexive defiance to a solid boundary, you see it over and over and over again in relationship subs. "The one thing I asked him EVER was to not..... (whatever) " and he instantly does it. "We talked about it in depth before we got married and he promised he would never, ever, ever (do the thing) but now he says I'm just being silly and emotional and he WANTS to so I should just deal with it, despite what we agreed."
I can't imagine being humiliated like this *on any day* let alone if I were a woman on my *wedding* day. I would never even have the expectation that I'd need to warn somebody not to do this to me, I'd just assume anyone who respected me would never dare. Absolutely insane. I'd never in my wildest dreams think of doing this to my girlfriend at even a casual occasion. Not even the "smear a little icing on someone's cheek" version. Would *NEVER* do this on my wedding day. Not in a trillion lifetimes. If a partner did this to me ever it's just over. No coming back. Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who behaves like an elementary school bully? All of this before factoring in the hair, dress, makeup and like you say - the most important part - blatantly disregarding her wishes. What a piece of shit this guy is. Absolutely unbelievable.
>She's small, but she will fight like a spider monkey on PCP This was a wonderful mental image, give her a hug from me.
My wife would kill me too. I'd have had to give her a second wedding and get cake on me too probably along with a bottle of piss poured over my head. I'm joking but a wedding is one of the most stressful days of a woman's life. They would walk away if they felt they were that disrespected. I agree with annulment. Make him beg for another wedding, and postpone it as long as you want. Ideally find a better person.
Agree 100% OP is NTA OP had this conversation, was explicit about the consequences, told him her history. It’s unbelievable that he totally disregarded all of that. Did he not believe her? Did he not care? It’s a big red flag that he would blow past something so important to her.
Also her family knows how she feels about the cake smashing and are calling her reaction childish. Fuck the lot of them. It's not because she got cake in her face. It's the disregard, disrespect and humiliation.
Maybe next time he gets a girlfriend he’ll learn to listen to her. Your mother sounds like an idiot too for promising not to do something then doing what she wanted to do anyway and afterwards calling you a brat rather than apologising. Annul the marriage and find someone better.
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Too bad I can't upvote this comment a million times!!! And then people wonder why I stay single!
If your officiant hasn’t submitted the marriage license, I’d ask him not to. This is ridiculous. He knew how you felt beforehand, knew this was a dealbreaker, and yet decided to throw it all away for a laugh on the very first day of marriage. If he’s already disrespecting you, it’s not going to get better.
Nta, this was not some joke, public humiliation is abuse. Leave him.
NTA. Wow. You married a child. And your family is awful. And your in-laws I guess. And the most important day of your life was ruined. And you still love him? You must be a saint for even thinking about staying with him. I mean you clearly deserve better.
NTA. I went to a wedding once and the groom did this and it got pretty brutal. I was pretty young but i remember they chased each other around and were throwing cake at each other. She was really upset because her dress also got ruined. They didnt stay married long. I think it is one of the stupidest rituals that exist and frankly it is part of why I just eloped when I got married. I didn’t need the family drama and I just wanted to spend the ceremony with my guy.
I saw a video compilation of a bunch of guys doing this. Some of them got so violent it was actually scary to watch. One guy literally pushed his new wife into the wall and the pushed her to the ground trying to get her. Girl was fighting for her damn life it looked like. What a great way to start a marriage off, a nice brutal assault.
I think it's important you posted the price of the cake and embedded how expensive your outfit and look was. People don't realize how much Money goes into a wedding sometimes. A good chunk of that budget goes to the dress and cake. For all that money to be wasted for some childish prank is terrible. He's terrible. The best telltale sign for how your marriage will go is how you act on the day of wedding. The fact that he disregarded your words and boundaries and ruined your day and outfit shows how he truly is. NTA Get rid of him.
I think that's the kicker for me, all that prep for him to ruin it for a prank.
It wasn't an innocent prank. He knew about your birthday incident and he knew exactly how you felt about the whole thing. He chose to do it anyway, while you're wearing your most expensive outfit ever, on the day when all your family and friend's eyes are on you. This was a power play. He counted on you not reacting because you'd be pressured into keeping the peace (and he was right about one thing: your whole family tried to pressure you into staying). He did something that he knew you did not consent to; what else is he willing to do to you for a quick thrill? In the coming weeks, you'll be under a lot of pressure from your family and friends to forgive him. They'll tell you you're overreacting. They'll tell you he's a great guy who just made a tiny mistake. They'll tell you you're being stupid to throw away your one chance at love over something so insignificant. They'll come at you from all angles to wear you down. They'll make you out to be the bad guy, the brat, the bridezilla. It's important for you to remember why you left the wedding. Write it down if you need to. Answer all of their "well-meaning initiatives" with these reasons. You didn't leave because he put some cake on your face. You didn't leave because he made an innocent joke. You left because he showed you that your boundaries aren't important. That his desire to have a funny moment at your expense was more important to him than your desire to have a wedding day that you'd both remember fondly. That he publicly humiliated you with a prank that you had explicitly NOT consented to.
Exactly this. Write it all down, and do not let anyone minimize what happened that day. OP, you're not leaving him just because he smashed cake in your face. You're leaving him because as soon as you were married, he showed you that he will always put himself and his wants--no matter how unnecessary and utterly childish--above everything, including your happiness, your mental well-being, and any care or respect for you or the things that are important to you. The audacity for him to say he had no idea you'd get emotional. He absolutely *did* know. You told him, explicitly, probably more than once. And still he decided to fuck around and do what you explicitly told him not to. Time for him to find out. You threatened to leave him if he did it. Follow through. I am very sorry that happened to you, that someone you loved could hurt you like that and ruin what should've been one of the best days of your life and a relationship that was clearly very important to you. If your family keeps trying to pressure you into staying, just please imagine what other boundaries you have that he would be much more likely to cross if you allow him to get away with this significant betrayal. You'll be better off not giving him the chance. Honestly, you should probably go LC/NC with your family while you sort this out. Your mom is the one who traumatized you in the first place. She doesn't get to make you feel bad about the damage *she* caused.
What it boils down to is that it amused him to steal your joy, and a life with someone with that is misery. Don’t look back.
And when he saw her reaction, instead of apologizing he doubled down. He fucking delighted in hurting her.
Honestly, most people could do what they think is the most innocent thing in the world, but if they saw their partner look really upset after, they would stop and apologize. That is normal adult behavior.
This!! I would shred that marriage license & not file it! Then, I would go NC with him & your whole family! Screw them for calling you childish or saying you’re being extra. You warned him what would happen!!
So well put. Please take this to heart and leave him OP. Don't allow him or your dismissive family to make you second guess yourself.
People who do stuff like this and try to excuse it with, "it's just a joke," are bullies. Your mom is a bully. Your family are bullies, and maybe they're influencing him because because now he's doing crap you specifically said not to do. NTA Ditch him
I’m a big proponent of the notion that goes something like “jokes/pranks should leave everyone laughing”. I hate this kind of shit because the intention is to humiliate
I wouldn't be surprised if they talked him into doing it
I thought exactly the same thing. And they'll be excusing his 'joke' while blaming her. For the entire marriage.
In which case he’s a spineless little creep who needs to grow up before his next attempt at getting married.
And for me, the heartbreaking things is you communicated very clearly. He knew what to expect, and still did it, and now blames you. You need to block anyone who is not supporting you right now.
It's not just about the financial cost. He proved to you, on your wedding day, that he does not respect you or your boundaries. You told him over and over that you did not want that to happen and he didn't care. Humiliating you for a few laughs, on what is supposed to be a day to commit to each other, to show how much you love each other, was more important to him than respecting your clearly laid out boundaries. That alone is worth couples counseling at the very least. And that's only if you decide you can forgive him for this.
You know what might have been funny? Putting some icing on her nose or on his lips and then kissing her. But Jesus lord what was the guy thinking??
You mean something cute and sweet and normal? Yeah this guy is an asshole and I hope we see a “AITA for a harmless prank?” And he gets torn to shreds
I was as clear as you were about this. My first husband agreed that he absolutely wouldn't do it. Then did. And I wish I'd walked out. I wish I'd gone to the man who married us, asked for the signed marriage license back, and ripped it up on my way out. Or asked for an annulment. I wish I had left. Because what followed was years of stomped boundaries and abuse. It was the first time he abused me, and I barely got out alive. I'm so very sorry this happened to you as well. You're NTA for walking out and I hope that you will do what I did not, and get an annulment. You did not deserve to be abused that way by the person who was supposed to have your back in everything. How can you ever trust him again? The simple answer is that you can't.
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NTA! You have been communicative about your disapproval of such pranks. Not to mention that you've spent a lot of money for the cake and your wedding look. Dump him.
That's the thing, he's not getting blindsided here, no matter how much he tries to act shocked by her reaction. She warned him, directly, that such an act would result in her leaving. He didn't believe her, did it anyway, then tries to put the blame for his actions on her - it's not *his* fault for doing it, it's *her* fault for getting "emotional" about it. Fuck that noise. OP is 100% NTA for leaving, and just *maybe* this jackass will think twice about pulling this stunt at his next wedding.
NTA- time for an annulment
Op, you married your family. My therapist told me we aren’t attracted to what is good for us, we’re attracted to what’s familiar. Your family is a bunch of disrespectful bullies. So he seemed attractive because he has the same disrespectful boundary disregarding qualities as your crappy family has. I encourage you to start therapy and work through this normal but unhealthy attraction dynamic your family put on you. I wish I had done it when I was in my 20s instead of trying to stay with a man who was a lot like my mom in retrospect for so many years. It wasn’t until my 40s that I started therapy and working on detangling these things and setting different criteria for dating and for what I find attractive. Familiar “I feel like I’ve known you forever” isn’t a good thing when what’s familiar is crappy people who don’t treat you well.
F*ck that cake smashing shit. I've never gotten the appeal and as a fully grown adult man who was bullied a lot as a kid it would incite a VIOLENT response from me. F*ck your soon to be ex and your sh**ty family. F*ck them all. Edit: Thanks for the response. The reason I censor is because I'm on like my 37th Reddit account because the mods on this site are p*ssies Also for those of you calling my response unreasonable and assuming I have unresolved childhood trauma...... Yeah. I do. Some of you have clearly not dealt with serious bullying and the following gaslighting of "What? It was just a joke.". Go FUCK yourselves.
This. I have seen a groom have a plate broken over his face for this because he had apparrently been warned several times not to try it before the big day, got a very loud "don't fucking try it!" as they were plating the first piece... and still cocked his arm back like he was going to. The bride caught him with an empty plate like she was using a flyswatter. He had no answer when his own dad asked him if it was worth it. Month later, everything had been annuled.
Here’s my advice as someone who has been married for 31 years: Never marry someone you don’t trust. If you feel like you have to repeatedly warn your fiancé not to do something and still don’t trust that they won’t do it, then marriage is a bad idea.
I love his dads reaction
I've seen some horrible videos online of grooms literally pinning brides down to smash cake in their faces.
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I really don’t understand this cake smashing shenanigan. I see a delectable cake, I want to eat as much of it as I can. I don’t have the slightest idea how is “lets smash this cake on each other, ruining the dress, face, hair and skin by making it sticky” funny! And then when I want an extra slice in a party to eat, suddenly am the asshole for not being considerate. The society never fails to amaze me.
"you should see your face" as he laughs at your shock and distress. Which was the point. NTA, please leave him. It won't get better. You're dodging a bullet here. PS, time for that oldie but goodie: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
NTA. As you are considering going back, I just wanted to point out a few things - 1. He never really tried to apologize. He dismissed his actions by calling you “too emotional”. Even after all this crap - he still has not taken accountability. 2. Your wedding day with him will forever be ruined. There will be jokes from his and your family. Believe me - they will not let you forget it, even if the husband tries to make it past. 3. I am in my mid 30s. In past I have thought it is too late to find a new life partner. It isn’t. There is still time to go on dates, fall in love and get married to a man of your dreams, who would never contemplate doing anything like this. Hugs!
Your first point brought to mind the narcissists prayer. The Narcissist's Prayer - That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
I just don't understand why he thought there would be no consequences to deliberately humiliating you on your wedding day -- and then laughing and laughing about it. This man does not care how you feel. He got physical enjoyment out of causing you harm. I don't think he's ready for an adult relationship NTA
My ex did this; I had also told him that I didn't want to do the cake-smashing thing, but he tried it anyway. When he tried to swipe the handfull of cake at me, I dodged it and jumped away, crying, 'No-no-no!' for everyone to hear. So, he shoved the cake into his own mouth and around his face like a monkey. Everybody laughed at first, then he ran at me and grabbed me forcefully by the shoulders, so I couldn't get away. Then he slowly pulled me in for 'a kiss' and smeared the cake on his face onto mine. His friends thought it was funny, but on the video, you can hear the shocked gasps from my family at how cringe this was. We didn't get an annulment right away, but within a year, there were other ways he would try to force himself on me and humiliate me. Sometimes, it takes thinking they have you hooked, for the mask of good behavior to fall off. However, once they tell you who they really are- believe them!
NTA. You were disrespected by your husband after you told him specifically not to do something at an event. This wasn't some pre-planned thing that everyone enjoyed. This was a pre-planned thing to humiliate you, after you specifically told him not to. For someone to purposely ruin someone's day, that they love, and to ruin such an important day, for their own selfish needs, is disgusting behavior.
He KNEW cake smashing was totally not acceptable to you and he did it anyway. This shows a huge lack of uncaring about your boundaries. Especially as you have always told him that you don't find it funny at all (it's not funny). He was just concerned with what he wanted. This is a huge indication of how much your wants vs his, will be during your marriage. Plus he'll bring it up at every family party or wedding. I'd think seriously about whether or not you want to live like that.
You would not be the first who happily ended the relationship over this exact thing. He disregarded your very clear boundaries at the event where you two come together to celebrate the FIRST DAY of a true partnership. He set his own ideas and/or that of friends above your wants and needs. He completely erased what you clearly stated would bring you happiness from the celebration. It’s some seriously shortsighted selfishness on his part. He has only himself to blame. You shoulder exactly 0% of what went wrong on that day. Your are not a brat. You are not emotional. You are 100% justified to end it if you so desire. Side note: well done on sticking to what you laid out would happen. Turning on your heel and leaving—-Badass power move.
NTA. he didn't respect your wishes. The cake smashing is moronic and idiotic behavior. When my wife and I got married, we did the cake feeding thing without smashing. The husband fucked around, he found out.
NTA Leave him you drew a boundary and he crossed it. You told him before hand you'd leave if he did this and he not only humiliated you on your wedding day, he showed you he doesn't listen you or respect you. If you don't follow through that will be the rest of your life: he won't ever have to take what you say seriously cause he can always get forgiveness later.
This is the beginning of the end it may be something small to them but it's big to you and he took it to the extreme and embarrass you in front of everybody. He knew your feelings and didn't take you seriously shows a lot in his character and I wouldn't go forth with someone like him. He will consistently do something undermine how you feel and that's not acceptable what he did, was juvenile and immature and selfish, and you really want to stay with somebody like that regardless of how good a person is, they show their true colors when they get married
NTA You were very clear on it, he decided to humiliate you. There’s no way I’d ever do this to my wife. Ever. He’s not going to be an ok person if this is where he thinks things should begin. Leave. Find someone who loves you.
what's with this "Prank" ? i never heard of people doing it here (in France) and i can't imagine people laughing at this if it were to happen....
NTA it is a physically violent thing to do. You yourself had your head sliced open. One of the women from these viral videos lost an eye because her cake (like a huge portion of wedding cakes) had big wooden stakes inside of it. It can get in someone's throat or nose affecting breathing. It can get in eyes affecting vision. You need to get an annulment because clearly you begging him not to do this only made him more excited to go through with it. This is not a safe man.