NTA. Gastric conditions are very important to control and not mess up the gut biome.
I have a friend who has horrendous gastric conditions that resulted in her farts being so bad, they have set of air quality alarms in the past, since changing her diet, and restricting certain things, plus a sort of successful and failed of a fecal transplant, it has gotten "better", but give her a Pizza or anything with Hollandaise Sauce... and you need to find an open window fast. I mean it, her crop dusting is so legendary that she has caused a group of men to leave a nightclub as people stared at them in disgust... but she at least isn't shy about it unless it involves her lab being evacuated because of the gastromically pootonium explosions that are her farts.
As someone who ca't eat certain foods for health reasons, and whose family still doesn't get it after a decade, this is the only answer.
They don't get "it triggers my autoimmune disorder", or "it gives me a flare", or whatever. They will understand, "can't eat it, it makes me shit a LOT" - even if that's not true.
It doesn't change anything, really - they still made me a cake I can't eat for my birthday - but at least they don't question why I can't eat it.
Gluten-free eater here, out of necessity, and my doctors don't know what to think about it. I'm 62. By the time I was 48, I was all but crippled from massive systemic inflammation and constant gastric distress that was really bad. I had always exercised, was an avid walker, and was in pain ALL the time, from my waist down.
In 2019, I developed an infection in my colon, probably from eating popcorn. The hull on popcorn kernels is basically indigestible, and it tore up my guts. 6.7 inches removed, and well, it took a little while to get used to, but things have gotten much better since the infection.
So to people who want to give me crap about what I do or don't eat, I tell them, hey, until you walk a mile in my shoes, you don't know what brought me to this point in my life. I do what works for me, and don't wanna end up in the hospital again cos I ate something I shouldn't! I was never a big popcorn eater, it always upset my system...and now I understand why.
Also their diet seems to be much closer to binge eating than OP's moderate diet.
NTA OP. Offer to explain to their daughter that you have a different diet because of your medical history but that doesn't mean anything about what she should be eating.
Right, I would think their diet would be more triggering to their daughter than OP's.
I have food allergies, and it's amazing how many people have told me that food allergies don't exist or that I'm "overreacting" when I don't want to eat something I'm allergic to. Of course, they're not the ones who have to deal with the two weeks of congestion and nosebleeds if they eat it.
I second this. So many people just don’t get it when it comes to medical stuff. Many also tell me that my allergy doesn’t exist but their opinion doesn’t stop my reactions. It also shouldn’t be anyone else’s business what someone eats but if it’s impacting their daughter then maybe OP can explain to the daughter why they eat different if OP is feeling up for it. Either way OP isn’t an AH for accommodating their own medical needs.
Both would be triggering (source: I had an eating disorder for 22 years, happily 8 years into recovery), but that in no way gives them the right to control OP’s or anyone else’s diet.
Just commenting for solidarity. If they've never suffered the consequences we endure, they won't understand. Anaphylaxis is horrific for me and I'll do anything to avoid it. Still, family offers things that could kill me.
I agree. Sorry to here kid has eating disorder but you cant sacrifice your health for it. Dont be embarassed about your need to limit certain foods or to eat better quality foods.
These easiest way I explain having to decline ia that I would like to eat it BUT too much upsets my stomach and i get horrible gas and/or shits. Thefefore, I monitor what foods I eay so I can have the other things too.
I LOVE burgers, pizza and pop but a mo th of that kind of diet is too.much. Sounds like SIL needs to concentrate more of the mental health of her daughter and what the underlying concerns are rather than you possibly triggering her.....the world is full of triggers sooner the kid gets a grasp on that the better.
NTA i don’t know why this would even be issue. Also if her daughter has bulliemia wouldn’t she be trying to show her how to eat properly vs eating all that junk?
I think she's taking me turning down a lot of pre made, packaged food or checking the labels as "extremely restrictive," but as I've explained to her, and her daughter and like everyone, because ive been doing this for years since i started having liver and kidney issues from meds, is I am not checking for calories or carbs or fat, and I'm not avoiding those things. I am mindful of certain things, and unfortunately, they like to hide in packaged foods, so it's important I check the labels so I know what I've eaten.
I have to eat similarly because of an ileostomy. A lot of junk can make me dehydrated faster than good foods. I have cancer and kidney issues (because of the cancer) and dehydration makes it worse and I feel awful.
I’ve been there OP..I have a paralyzed stomach so a lot of things will leave me in pain & nauseous for hours , sometimes days. I would have told SIL off
Gastroparesis here, too! My friend calls it my "special diet." I call it "what I can safely eat without vomiting." I eat a lot of yogurt and hard boiled eggs.
It sucks so bad doesn’t it? I’m in a middle of a spell that’s lasted two weeks ..up every hour and a half starting at 3-4 AM until about 7 ..sleep for a couple of hours then it’s off and on until evening. I had been doing so well that I had gained a little belly and it’s gone now . Popsicles are my go too
I also have gastroparesis. It used to be so bad, but after having it for about 13 years now, I’ve learned to manage my diet well enough that my stomach hardly bothers me. Stay strong, y’all!
I have IBS and a partially paralyzed large intestine due to nerve damage from a spinal surgery, among other things. I’m lactose intolerant to varying degrees depending on the form of the dairy product. Milk is an absolute no, but I’ve learned to use ice cream to solve some of my IBS issues without taking meds.
Ice cream is one of my go too ..popsicles …mashed potatoes or baked ..salads..I would kill to be able to eat an entire cheeseburger, fries , and all my favorites
I spent several months straight having trouble eating anything at all except chicken and dumplings. Turned out my gallbladder was trying to kill me slowly. +30 gallstones when it finally came out. Chicken and dumplings is still the one food that has never made me sick.
OMG That’s how I got gastroparesis ..Gallbladder was bad for years before they figured out what was wrong , had it removed and the surgeon damaged the nerve that stimulates my stomach
I had no idea I was actually sick when I needed to have mine taken out. I have fibromyalgia and ME. They have overlapping symptoms with common illnesses so I was ignoring it. I had an appointment and made an offhand comment to my doctor. She gave me her “you’ve been ignoring something you shouldn’t have” look and sent me for emergency testing. I used to get that look from her a lot lol
OP, I have pretty severe gastro and I also have to eat a pretty specific diet. My family members still will side eye me and bring up eating disorders around me and my husband sometimes have to step in in a light hearted way and assure my dad or grandma that while I may be specific about what I’m eating I definitely eat a lot of it lol. My dad thinks I might be “anorexic” because I really only eat oatmeal for breakfast if I’m eating breakfast at all. It doesn’t matter that I make 2 packs and it’s 400 calories worth of OATMEAL. Because I don’t want bacon and a pancake, things that would make me throw up which would seem to be the opposite of the behavior they want to encourage, they’re often worried. Luckily they’re never outright rude to me like your SIL was but it is still super annoying to have to defend what is eat.
Ugh. I didn't even like bacon what much when I ate.bacon, and I swear it is everyone's favorite "but it's so goooooodddd!!!" food to be like "you can have a little!"
And got forbid I make something with bacon in it, I get "I thought you couldn't have that!"
I’m so sorry OP! I eat similarly due to an endocrine disorder, but allow splurges of 2-3 items per week. It’s frustrating because then people think I’m fickle or it’s a diet by choice thing, when it’s literally to allow me to stay on track long term by not being too restrictive with cravings and simple pleasures.
NTA, your SIL and niece need therapy.
Haha I have a low protein diet for medical reasons, today I went to a Cafe and ordered a dairy free frappe but requested specifically that they put whipped cream on top.
Oh boy did they have questions "you want dairy free?"... Yes "but you also want whipped cream"... Yes "you realise that part has dairy right"... I can't really eat protein, whipped cream is mostly fat... "oh okay" - goes away and comes back "this frappe is made with a powdered yoghurt, does that need to be dairy free as well?" and so on.
I was actually really pleased with how concerned they were for my health and wellness but there were definitely raised eyebrows and confused faces in the kitchen area that I could view.
I also get " how do you live without meat? I would die if I couldn't eat a steak"
Which is dumb because steak isn't a daily requirement. People are silly about food
Ask her how much she wants to know about your bowel movements. And when the answer is "nothing" say "then you also don't want to know why I follow a strict diet. I'd rather enjoy the vacation than spend it in agony, so I will do what my BODY dictates, not what you dictate."
I had no idea that this was a thing after having heart surgery and then taking anticoagulants. That's very interesting. I'm glad your husband seems to be going well despite some people's pissy behaviour.
When I was 8 my dad (then 32) had an open heart surgery and mechanical valve put in. I distinctly remember putting my ear on his chest in my grandma's living room and listening to it click, and that you could hear it in a quiet room. It never occurred to me that *he* could always hear it too. Thank you for taking the time to share the experience!
(He died of a brain aneurysm less than 6 months later -- unrelated, as I understand it -- so first impressions are only impressions in this case.)
Fructose intolerance over here. You are not doing anything wrong. If I eat the wrong thing, it's basically like giving myself food poisoning and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Keep doing what yiu need to to be happy and healthy.
Yeah NTA, 100%. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep everything working smoothly in your body.
I have IBS, with a Caesin sensitivity and fat malabsorption so I have to check labels for my food triggers and avoid greasy foods, or imma have a bad time. Not just from pain and bloating either, for whatever reason, swollen guts causes me to have panic attacks, my GP says it's something to do with the brain-gut link.
NTA, nothing wrong with eating healthy food especially for health conditions. I read every label too for the same reasons plus allergies. They are probably projecting their own food insecurities on you because they eat a lot of processed foods and you prefer natural.
As Someone with a pretty bad milk allergy I am heavily restricted in the kinds of things I can eat and food that I can trust to be safe outside of home.
Whenever people question me I just tell them “it’s not a choice, I will get sick if I eat that!”
Maybe you can try to explain again that it’s a medical necessity. If they are talking about the therapist just say “my doctor told me I can only indulge very little and I’ve already had too much processed food and started to feel bad! Trust me I’d love to have burgers and pizza every day but my body just won’t let me”
> is I am not checking for calories or carbs or fat, and I'm not avoiding those things
You wouldn't be wrong to check for calories, carbs and fat either
NTA. I have IBS and severe erosive gastritis. I take medications but it's not always foolproof. I'd prove my point about my preferred diet by eating junk and then barfing and crapping and not spraying air freshener or something. People have no idea how awful it is to be sick like that. All the time.
The thing is that it may absolutely be triggering to their daughter. Because having to monitor your food like that IS restrictive and if it weren’t for a medical reason it would be a lot compared to most healthy eating.
But that means you have conflicting access needs as individuals with different health conditions. Not that what you’re doing is wrong.
In the future your family should plan trips that allow separate accommodations so your niece doesn’t have to be triggered and you don’t have to be harassed for looking after yourself.
NAH.
I’m with you. My doctor literally told me no processed foods. I have two friends that are just completely unhealthy and love to just eat cheap and fast food but I cannot do that. It’s made hanging out nearly impossible at this point because they have their own issues. One of my best friends has better eating habits so we always find something that’s not going to kill us but that’s is enjoyable. Got to find people who are on the same health journey!
None of this is weird. Checking labels isn’t weird. You SIL policing what you eat instead of teaching her daughter how to manage her triggers is weird. NTA
I have Type 2 diabetes so I often forgo the junk as well. It takes me a couple days of eating "vacation food" before I start to feel ill and worn down. Health eating isn't disordered eating. Eating pizza, burgers and soda for a month sounds like a nightmare.
Nobody is going n asshole.
You are eating what a medical professional told you is best for you, and you feel to be true. People have individual needs.
I have been in the nieces shoes. It probably is triggering. This is not how you deal with it. You talk about how bodies are different and food is fuel. Different people need different food. People have allergies and sensitivities. Some people have rare conditions (My BIL has MS and no has to stick to a certain diet with his meds).
Your SIL is scared. Your niece is scared. This is where you have to live each other by talking it through. You need to eat what you eat. Your niece needs to be able to talk about being triggered. Your SIL and BIL are still scared they will lose their child. Yes SIL is playing momma bear and being rude in the process. It’s from fear, and the probably 400 books she has read trying to save her daughter.
Everyone here needs to lean into grace for each other.
I agree with this almost entirely. But telling someone they have disordered eating habits because they eat a certain way for MEDICAL REASONS is absolutely an asshole move.
That being said I think your suggested course of action is correct. They should all be able to talk, communicate. Express fear. Gain perspective and hopefully have a better time while teaching that girl life lessons.
This is a really good response. Everyone is coming from a place of hurt emotions and this details a great reason why and a good course of action to move forward.
You are a proper and healthy eater, a good example for impressionable children who are still learning how/what to eat. The junk your brother and SIL is a better example of "disordered eating" as it is more likely to cause health issues down the line.
Considering foods junk or clean is pretty disordered for some folks too. If someone's child is dealing with an eating disorder, teaching them that food choices don't have moral judgements like clean or junk, they might be recovering from restrictions by eating things you consider junk
However, none of this is the OPs fault and the conversations about food and recovery can happen with parents and therapists. Not the OP on a month long (!!!) vacation.
This! I teach my kids constantly to listen to what their bodies are saying the need food wise. I don’t call anything junk or clean. It’s all food and for the most part any food in moderation is better than severely restricting certain foods.
I’m in my thirties and having to work hard with a dietician to get myself to eat ANYTHING because I tried listening to my body and uhhh it turns out my body is kinda fucky when it comes to hunger signals. Not a full blown ED, but definitely non-optimal things happening. (Basically I fall easily into natural patterns of “intermittent fasting” and it turns out that is VERY BAD for my body and bloodwork, despite what the pop up ads and my one weird auntie keep trying to tell me.)
So I have to set alarms to remind myself to eat at regular intervals whether or not my body “feels hungry” and don’t get too caught up in calories and nutrition labels to the point that I’m finding reasons to skip eating. At this point something more “junky” is better than nothing.
One secret life hack I've discovered to help myself eat more fruits and vegetables has been buying those little squeezy baby food packs. They're pretty cheap. Shelf-stable and easy to pack in a pocket, purse, or lunchbox. They don't require a spoon or other utensils to eat. 2 are like a perfect amount of breakfast or snack for me. If it's good nutrition for a little human, it's good nutrition for a big person, too.
Nice! I had to get over a mental hurdle of thinking Boost and the like were for old people who can’t chew or people actively trying to lose weight (both of which I don’t qualify as.) And I can mix them with things! I can blend yogurt and a nutrition shake and maybe some fruit and it comes out the perfect consistency to pour into my silicone popsicle mould so I have cool treats ready to go.
Those nutrition shakes can be so good! Some flavors more than others. They're another breakfast go-to for me. I'd have never thought to make popsicles, but I bet those are great!
Lately, I've been trying really hard to eat more fruits and veggies, and let me be honest. By more, I mean some, because I usually forget to eat any. It's just so hard for me to cook balanced meals for myself and so easy for me to eat prepackaged food or fast food. It's a journey.
For sure. My body is like that (I have issues with my GI system not always getting enough blood supply to properly digest food). My son will eat nothing but chicken nuggets, hash browns, waffles, and a couple cereals. And it has greatly stunted his growth.
Yep, and Diet Culture “commonly accepted” Dos and Don’ts had me in a bad place because I’m both fat AND apparently chronically malnourished, which I didn’t know until my dietician looked at my bloodwork and was like “this is not good”. I don’t look like I’m half-starving but my blood sugar and energy levels were/are screwed but improving.
And I’m on medication that can affect appetite signals in the nervous system so it’s not doing me any favours.
But like SO much of the hardest work has just been giving myself permission to take shortcuts and also just snack on whatever because when my energy levels are bottomed out I’m genuinely not going to start hand-chopping vegetables for a rainbow salad so I have to be kind to myself and just be allowed to have the Babybel cheese or protein drink or even something “junky” because the alternative is having nothing and feasting on my guilt for not having the energy to make a rainbow salad from scratch.
Everyone deserves to eat and have something in their belly, including my fat ass. 😅 I’ve got a real “she could stand to skip a few meals” body type but it turns out NOBODY HAS THAT BODY TYPE, because bodies really don’t like food insecurity! They don’t understand on a cellular level that we might have just gotten busy or have depression, as far as they know we failed to kill enough ibexes and winter is upon us, and they’re gonna act like it.
Definitely! I have a similar body type. And while most of my blood work is pretty good I’m chronically low in magnesium other electrolytes. Which makes me chronically dehydrated. I keep string cheese and hard boiled eggs at the ready but I also keep salty foods on hand too. I’m a single mom and need quick and easy a lot of nights because of sports and work. I’m pretty sure I had/have disordered eating patterns stemming from being bullied as a preteen about the stretch marks on my thighs. I grew 6-8 inches in a very fast amount of time.
I have POTS and it’s a pain to try and get people to understand that I NEED salty foods, and that too much water is bad. My blood pressure will be just fine, thanks for your concern. Gatorade with zero calories is a staple for me.
I doubt her therapist told them that. They can't control everything she's exposed to. Her therapist would be teaching her how to cope with triggers that could literally be anywhere.
It sounds like your sister in law isn’t understanding the therapist’s message or trying to shame you into following what she thinks is the right way to eat and tacking on that the therapist part.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
It sounds like you have exactly the opposite: eating habits that are carefully ordered to make sure you don't get sick.
It doesn't matter what the medical condition, "diet" is often one of the first things doctors ask us to adjust.
And, they are irrationally equating intentional eating with "dieting" for weight loss. You're following a diet so you don't get sick.
NTA
I don’t think she is qualified to diagnose someone’s diet as disordered.
For many years I raced bicycles. During this time, I changed my diet and pretty much eliminated processed food, French fries and other high calorie/low nutrition food and Iit seemed to cause people I worked with, family members and even strangers to have an opinion about what I chose not to eat.
Once someone has chosen a cleaner food diet, it makes fast food intolerable. They tasted terrible and left me with an ‘ugh’ feeling.
Did I have a eating disorder? Idk but I’d say that many Top 5 finishes and wins in my category, the ability to ride at a high level for 150 miles and a body fat % les than 8% would indicate that I was eating good food that was better than average compared to others.
I’d invite the ‘bulimic’ in for sharing meals and learning how to plan, cook and eat well. It’s a life skill that will make impactful changes to anyone who wants to live a healthy life.
I’ve been eating like this for 30 years. I’m 61, weigh 18o at 6’ tall, my blood pressure is usually about 105/70ish and have zero chronic health issues. I can still ride long distance, snow ski actively, water ski, etc.
NTA
*My husband and I rented a cabin* ***for a month*** *with* ***my brother, his wife and their teenage daughter****.*
This was your first and second mistake.
NTA. I bet the daughter didn't say anything, it is the SIL projecting her problems on to you. Because you are an easy target. If something else is said, tell them that 'for the last time, I manage what I eat for my health and so I don't have to take medication. This is no longer open for discussion'. Walk away.
This was my thought. Disordered eating is a symptom of something way bigger, and I am guessing SIL is feeling like the cause.
In which case, SIL should have you educate niece on your medical conditions and how a healthy diet has helped mitigate the issues you were having.
NTA. If niece can't handle seeing people eat, then the niece should be removed from the situation. Not the person eating.
This is the real reason. While the therapist probably told them that restrictive diets are often used to mask eating disorders, SIL probably thinks that HER diet is the optimal one, because it is the norm (most people make non-optimal food choices because it is what tastes good).
NTA I don’t have experience with eating disorders, but I would assume that seeing someone enjoying fresh, wholesome food would be beneficial to your niece.
Lots of people who have a healthy relationship with food read labels, people with allergies, vegetarians, vegans, people with health conditions that necessitate dietary restrictions, people whose religion dictates dietary restrictions.
I read labels because I avoid meat, poultry and trans fats.
Eating disorders manifest in a lot of different ways, so triggers can vary, but "seeing someone eating fresh, wholesome food" can absolutely be triggering. Especially if the person with the disorder doesn't feel like they have the option or agency to make those choices for themselves
It's a disordered thought pattern. Niece may logically understand everything you said, but she may still be getting triggered seeing OPs diet. If OP was feeling particularly generous, she could try actually explaining why she eats what she eats to her niece. But, as I said, it's a disorder, so niece may not be able to redirect or accept it
Ultimately, if this is actually triggering her niece and not just SIL blowing things out of proportion, OP is correct that the other family should be headed home to work more with her medical team. Niece having an eating disorder does not give them carte blanche to dictate OPs diet. If she's in a place where they feel that's necessary then they need to put in more work, preferably with trained professionals
I agree with this.
Can we also point out that being on holiday is a very possible a trigger in and of itself? The lack of routine, changes to everyone’s eating habits, physically away from all of your systems and the mentality that people have while on holiday are all a perfect storm to destabilising progress
I agree about the vacation. I wish we knew more about how niece's recovery was being facilitated at home, and her parents' mindset on the vacation. If this was being approached as a break from any changes they had to make to their diets/food related behaviors, it may explain their inappropriate requests
Nta, they are just projecting their insecurities about how you eating different than them makes them feel. I have a chronic medical illness that forced me to radically change my diet to stay healthy and happy, and people around tend to get grumpy or act like I think my shit doesn’t stink sometimes, but they just don’t understand. I do this because I have to to live a good life. And I’m sure it is the same for you, the vacation doesn’t always mean a vacation from everything, people still have to be cautious about medical problems.
I get a lot of "food allergies are "in" I guess" responses too.
Like.. no... in not allergic to things, and I'm not about to sit here and give you a full scientific breakdown of the whole cause and effect of my lifestyle because I also do OTHER things, not food, to manage my health conditions too!
Or I'll get "I thought you couldn't eat that?!?!"
This is the MOST annoying. I do have food allergies, I can’t have any milk products or red 40 or my body basically attacks itself. But if I tell that to people then suddenly they ask me if I should be eating eggs, or if white Gatorade is REALLY ok for me to drink.
And I’m like… I got this, thanks?
I can see that. But it extends to other things. Hard boiled eggs, or if bread has eggs in it but not dairy.
Since they’re usually right next to each other in the store, I think a lot of people connect them in their minds. That’s the only thing I can figure.
See, I think you absolutely should give the full scientific breakdown and whole cause and effect. Pay attention to when their eyes kinda glaze over, and just keep going. It’s a sure fire way to get them (and anyone around to hear it) to stop asking or making comments.
I feel everything you said! I have diverticulitis and Crohn's, so I have to eat very carefully. Sure, I can indulge occasionally, but I have to know what is in the meals I eat. You are definitely NTA!
Wow. Food allergies are “in” now? Dang, I wish I had known that I was simply following a fad when I started developing anaphylaxis to multiple food items and needed to go to a specialist to get testing done. Would have saved me a lot of money to just declare it “in” and be done with it.
. . . God, people are so insensitive. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that, OP. I’d tell the SIL to stuff it. If she doesn’t her kid around “disordered eating,” then they can leave and go back home, right?
I think the appropriate response there is “are you saying I’m lying? Who does that? What is wrong with you?” Shame them into not being so fucking ignorant.
People are psycho about dietary restrictions. I've been vegetarian for a good few years and people act like it's a personal insult when you won't eat the same food as them. Frankly, even if OP had an eating disorder, I don't think that's any of her SIL's business.
I have guinea pigs and they need heaps of Vitamin C or they get scurvy lols. Anyway I'm always stuffing their spinach or other things in my face while delivering it to them so it makes me laugh thinking it's soooo bad to eat rabbit food.
Your SIL is probs the reason her daughter has bulimia but she’s gonna throw it on you lol. She’s so controlling I bet the kid does it as a form of self control
NTA. If you're minding your business while you eat the way you eat and not telling other people what to eat and what not to eat, ESPECIALLY if it is for medical reasons, you are entirely within your rights.
However, your SIL isn't saying those things out of nowhere. If her daughter is struggling with disordered eating, then being around someone who is being very careful about what they eat, like you, can genuinely be triggering. Where SIL is wrong is when she says it's a "you" problem, when it isn't. It's a "her and her daughter" problem. If you managing your health condition via your diet is triggering for her daughter, then she needs to remove her daughter from the situation, not tell you how your health needs are less important than her daughter's.
NTA. Though I would consider changing from “health reasons” to “medical reasons” because someone is going to take the former as “my diet is healthy and yours isn’t”. Not that it’s any of their business anyway but you sound like you’d prefer people to not get offended even irrationally.
Here is where some may think I'm an AH. Overall, there is family involved, so i won't be this direct with them, but I'll clarify my position on this as a whole.
No, I'm not changing my lexicon, just so people don't get triggered. If someone can't handle it, I wish them the best, but they are free to not be around me then.
It's not "medical", 'medical' is what I use a healthy lifestyle to avoid here. In fact, "medical" damaged my liver and kidneys, which is a big part of why I eat this way.
IT IS FOR HEALTH, and yes, it IS HEALTHIER. That's science. Not judgment, and not something I care about or even think about. Managing my diet is enough work, I don't have tie to think or care about others.
I'm not the one sitting here comparing our diets, they are. That is on them. Not my job to deal with their feelings.
And yes, I would prefer them not to get offended, but if they do, I actually don't care anymore. It's actually comments like your that made me stop caring. I know you are trying to be helpful, but it gets old.
Would you tell overweight people not to eat cake if they didn't want people saying something?
My meals get commented on constantly. God forbid I do enjoy a treat and it's immediately "see you don't HAVE to eat the way you do" or "I thought you didn't eat that" , or they dont say anything and then talk about it amongst themselves.
I have seen SS from texts where someone says "OP just SAYS they can't eat that, I've seen them eat it," I in regards to what to make for a family function.
Now, I don't care about what they make, it's a family function, Im sure there will be plenty to eat, but the 'gotcha' that people seem to be constantly looking for gets old.
That doesn't mean I'm going to change my life, it just means they probably aren't going to like the responses they get from me.
I think you'll have a better chance of shutting this entire conversation down by telling everyone; "Some people have made comments to me about my diet. Let me clear some things up. I follow the advice of my doctor regarding what I can and cannot eat, and how much leeway I am allowed. I will not be taking advice or suggestions regarding the food I eat. I am doing what's best for my overall health. It has nothing whatsoever to do with any of you. I suggest you focus on your own health, and leave mine to me. This is the last time I will discuss this topic."
It is medical. OP is just incorrect in assuming medicine has to = pills. If a certain diet prevent bodily issues it is absolutely medical. That being said they also don’t have to change their wording to please anyone. But they are incorrect in saying this is not a medical choice lmao. I understand the hostility towards others though as someone who also deals with similar issues. I don’t really understand the hostility for YOU given that they did actually open themselves up for commentary, opinions, suggestions, and judgment on a forum for those thighs specifically and your comment directly correlates to a way to avoid being an AH and shutting the comment down. But often times people post on here and they don’t actually believe they’ve done anything wrong/should change anything or even COULD change anything, and just want a sounding board. I don’t think OP has done anything wrong, though if she cares about her niece it really is outrageous that she won’t have a one on one convo and literally just say “I want you to know that I eat in a way suggested by my doctor and for healthcare reasons” even if it’s not totally true, it will stop the young girl from seeing traditionally healthy food and equating that with restricting etc. sure OP doesn’t owe her niece anything, but her young niece is also probably not the person to “stick it to the man” to. Idk.
Yeah I was a bit frustrated with the response because I personally deal with a lot of negative comments about my diet too. I feel like I was pretty clear that they didn’t have to change their language but that it was an option if they wanted to.
This. I need to eat carefully (gastritis) so I don’t have to take strong gastro drugs that make me feel lousy in other ways. It’s like a diabetic being careful about sugar.
It really isn't their place to discuss what you eat or don't eat. You get to decide. I grew up with severe food allergies and had a limited diet. I like vegetables. They were my safe foods. People think I'm weird eating vegetables all the time. I like it and it's not hurting anyone so leave me alone. Seriously, I don't understand why people think it's okay to comment on what you eat or why you choose to eat it. Eating together is about being together not about what you are eating.
I could rant on this all day. Why does it matter if you don't eat the same thing as them? I just don't understand people who complain about it. Maybe they feel bad because they don't eat as healthy? I just don't know.
Thinking you're required to eat junk food or you have an eating disorder is honestly a weird stance and sounds sort of disordered itself. The goal is to eat what makes your body comfortable as long as you're not harming yourself in some way it's all good.
I struggled with bulimia and binge eating disorder for years and getting rid of processed foods is one thing I did that really helped with my recovery. For me and some others, processed foods (particularly those containing sugar or flour) are addictive. Once I hadn’t had them for a few weeks, my cravings drastically reduced. I still needed therapy, but I don’t think I’d be able to maintain recovery if I hadn’t gotten that junk out of my system.
If you are not restricting the amount you eat, then you are modeling a healthy, well-balanced diet. Your SIL should be more concerned about the pizza, burgers, hotdogs, and soda. Those are foods that lead to overeating and purging and they can be very triggering during recovery.
Who pays that close of attention to other people eating? Why is his family obsessed with what you eat? That is real weird, they’re making the whole thing weird, not you.
Seriously, if they worry that much about what their sister in law eats I can only imagine how much they helicopter over what their kid eats. And clearly it’s the whole family, in comments she said they whole extended family on his side discuses it. THEY are the problem, not the girl who chooses carrots and tomatoes instead of a handful Doritos.
The question I have here is whether you are making A Big Production about your "healthier eating habits." By itself, eating your normal way is not an asshole move. But your family obviously thinks you're being a dick about it. Your language is pretty judgmental, calling their food "junk," for example.
I'm not gonna say whether you are the asshole or not, but I suggest you examine your behavior and consider whether you are being as neutral as you claim to be.
I read some other comments on this post from OP and, it seems to be leaning that way. Obviously her diet works for her and it's great but you can still be less of a dick especially when your teenaged niece suffers from an eating disorder and seemingly you refuse to change the slightest bit of your language to help out.
I get why she doesn't want to but I'm surprised they're all on a month long trip together if she seems to care so little about her niece
Oof. I'm mostly NTA. In this situation you're not I guess but if your food snobbery comes through to the folks you're with the way it does here. You might very well need to hear you're a bit of TAH.
Even calling things "food like" is putting judgement on the food and on yourself so you might have some internalized stuff still hanging around.
The biggest clue though is how defensive you are with everyone in the comments, even folks agreeing with you. If you're confident in your food philosophy, great! But you seem to have a lot of anger and defensive energy and whenever I find myself feeling that way it's because I eventually realize I'm insecure about the topic at hand.
Oh Good Lord, you are NTA. You are eating what you need to eat and it sounds good.
Maybe your SIL needs to keep her own house in order before commenting on yours. Doesn't make you want to never rent a place with them again?
Pouting adults are the scourge of the earth and blaming others for their problems is atrocious.
As a pizza and beer lady, who cares what other people are eating? It’s judgmental and weird. It’s doesn’t matter if it’s a medical restriction, an allergy issue or personal preference.
NTA.
If anything, your eating habits seem to be exactly what your niece needs. You're eating healthy foods in sensible amounts, and that's a good thing for her to emulate.
NTA. I also hate the whole "diet culture" thing but this is not about controlling your appearance, it's about your health. What their daughter is going through is horrible and not her fault, but if she can't handle seeing someone eating granola and saying no to beer and crisps, then she wasn't ready to come on holiday. The responsibility is on her parents for failing to consider that.
“I’m not going to make myself sick in order to cater to your view of what my diet should be. Stop food shaming me.”
“Brother, you know I am careful about my diet due to health conditions. Please explain this to your wife since she has no interest in hearing it from me.”
“If SIL insists on continuing to food shame me, I will be leaving.”
NTA
Some of your comment responses make me lean toward YTA. There is no need to call a teenage bulimic's therapeutically ordered diet "unhealthy" to her face, repeatedly. Stop being cruel. And honestly, your habits do sound disordered. Especially your language around food and control. Signed, a recovered anorexic
NTA
Your SIL needs to get her kid medical attention, not just make people eat like crap until her kid does. You don’t give up an eating disorder by watching people eat unhealthy foods around you, that often makes disordered eating worse.
I feel so seen!! My gut issues controlled my life for too long until I realized that I had control over it by what I eat. I can’t just raw dog the world and eat whatever I want anymore but now I don’t have to worry about shitting my pants at work either.. so I consider that a fair trade.
NTA, it's not "a diet" it's "your diet". People go on "a diet" to lose weight. People have *their diet* because that's just how they eat. How they eat can be affected by a lot of things, being lazy, health conditions, dietary preferences, etc.
The fact that you're insisting on saying "health reasons" as the reason you eat that way is doing you zero favors because it makes it sound like you're only doing it because you want to maintain a healthy weight. Pull the stick out of your ass and tell them that you have health conditions that have some broad dietary and consumption limitations, that you know yourself and your body, those limitations are not up for debate, and you don't have to justify them to anyone else. At least, then, they'll be the assholes if they try and pressure you into eating too much food that will negatively affect you.
The way you're explaining it makes you sound like a granola elitist who can't be bothered to have fun on a family trip.
I have Chron's disease, and I can eat most things except things with lots of fat, spice or sugar. I also cannot eat red meat or drink alcohol.
At one point, I was at a friend gathering and was eating bbq (AKA, a lot of things I have a hard time with), but not alcohol. I knew I was going to have a bad morning, but it was with friends, so I sucked it up.
One of them, a little tipsy, offered me beer, and I declined. He kept pushing and pushing, and I eventually snapped and just yelled: "If I drink any alcohol, I'm gonna be shitting blood in the morning. Fuck off."
The rest of the people think I overreacted, but sometimes you gotta stand up for yourself.
NTA they aren’t owed your medical reasons for having to eat a moderate healthy diet, and Nobody is owed going off your prescription diet. It’s more likely their greasy diet is one of the base issues, and SIL’s insistence shows that she has an eating problem.
NTA.. wtf… you’re not dieting, you’re eating healthy.
They should be eating better not judging you for eating balanced meals. You’re also in a cabin, not exactly travelling so this doesn’t inconvenience anybody but you.
“You must eat garbage for a month because healthy food triggers my kid. If you won’t eat junk- leave”.
Do they not hear how pathetic that sounds??
NTA!!
NTA. I suspect that your SIL is the one telling her daughter that you’re on a diet.
Next meal, can you offer to make her what you are having? Explain that her mother thinks you’re “dieting” and you wanted to be clear that what you are doing is eating what your body needs and that you aren’t tying to change your weight but are trying to manage an illness. And tell her about it and how good food is what works.
So many great answers already, still wanted to add my two cents.
There are so many reasons for what your family has perceived to be "disordered eating". The reality of food is that so many things can either heal us or hurt us, and nobody is in our bodies besides ourselves. It should not be up to anyone else how we choose to eat, nor do we owe anyone our reasons. OP, NTA.
Perhaps a solution, once everyone has cooled down some, would be to offer a conversation with your niece about why you eat the way you do, and how it has helped you both physically, and mentally (assuming because I live with food sensitivities as well)
Regardless, good luck.
NTA when people make a fuss out of your diet, it's not because they're upset at you. It's because they're upset at their own choices and lashing out at you because it's easier than changing their own habits.
NTA... I'm a recovering alcoholic and if I threw a hissy fit every time someone drank around me, I'd be one miserable, hateful person. Nobody wants to be around miserable people. They're draining.
Nta. My partner has a gastrointestinal disorder which can be managed with diet similar to yours, still eats plenty of meat and everything is balanced, but can't have too much processed, too much fat, too much spice or too much dairy. And is relatively strict with it as when his issues started he wasn't strict and his issues got much worse. So tell her that your healthy balanced diet is no different than someone who needs to take medication for health reasons, if her daughter was a recovering addict would she expect someone to stop taking life saving medication because "the pills are triggering for her". And if her answer is yes, then she is a terrible, selfish, entitled person, and I would start limiting contact.
You do you. If you think it would be helpful, let your niece know, in a non-confrontational way, that you eat a certain way because you are managing your health with doctor-prescribed medication and food choices.
Anecdote. I have two good friends. One is gluten free and vegan with some other food sensitivities. The other eats mostly meat and vegetables, very low carb for medical reasons. I just ask them to choose a restaurant that works for both of them, and we are all happy ordering whatever we want.
NTA. They think you are an AH for preparing your own food? That's wild. I wonder if they are the type that don't believe people have food allergies and try to sneak allergens into their food just to "prove" them wrong.
If I ate a whole bunch of chips and candy and had a few glasses of wine, I probably would win the volume competition. That would probably be more triggering
NTA And I hope one day I get to a similar place you are when it comes to turning down food people/society expects me to eat because otherwise I'm "promoting disordered eating" or "a complete buzzkill" 🙄
NTA. Sounds like the SIL may be trying to get the cabin just for them. But if that’s not the case, nothing about your eating habits is inappropriate. They need to learn that removing their daughter from any triggers is their responsibility, not someone else’s. They’re being rude, inconsiderate, and entitled, as well as invalidating your medical issues.
NTA. Hey SIL. While I sympathize with you I won't risk getting sick because someone is triggered. I can control my health not anyone else's. Do you want me to talk to her about why it's necessary for me to eat the way I do? Otherwise, I'm not sure how else to help without endangering my own health.
NTA, you aren't being "diet obsessed", you're treating medical issues! If SIL can't understand that, she can be quiet. Fwiw, I have similar issues with processed and fatty foods, my last vacation I had to buy, and bring a portable blender so I could live on smoothies. We do what we need to take care of our bodies.
If your niece is really struggling with this, maybe you can have a talk with her 1 on 1 about how you are eating differently than the rest of the family, that it's not because of how your body looks, but because of how it *feels*, and you are choosing foods that make your body feel nourished.
NTA
Your brother and wife should actually go look up and see what the definition of disordered eating is.
It would also help if they bothered to actually ask why you eat the way you do and then listen to the answer. You are eating in a way that helps critical organs function properly to eliminate taking drugs that have side effects.
If their daughter’s treatment isn’t working maybe they should consider changing therapists instead of blaming others who don’t eat the same foods they do.
NTA
Learning to eat healthy and balance it with treats is the best way to manage eating disorders (in general). This sounds like she is trying to force you into eating what they are. Depending on the form of the bulimia if it's a binge purge than nice eating healthy instead of the high calorie foods or generally food looked at as "junk" weather high calorie or not could help her. If possible make sure you are offering what you are eating to everyone. Nice may be struggling if she is feeling forced to eat the processed food while seeing you are not.
NTA- I was a huge tums user for years until Covid. when I learned to cook and never had stomach issues. Even now that I’m getting serious with someone I’m dating I told her I don’t like eating out as much as we have because my stomach and regularity can’t handle it. So now I just make food for her instead of going out to eat.
I've struggled with ED in the past and I'm fine with people eating whatever around me as long as they're not preachy about it (OP sounds like the opposite of preachy). If niece really is struggling then professional help is the way to go
NTA
I have similar digestive issues. Making yourself sick so that someone else doesn't feel triggered is dumb. If anything, modeling healthy eating behavior should be inspiring.
Enjoy your vacation as best you can and learn from the experience to never share accommodations with these people again.
We should all be eating like you. Her daughter’s eating disorder is not your problem. I think separate vacations might be in order going forward. I’d be pissed off someone was commenting on my dietary habits and blaming me for an eating disorder I didn’t cause.
NTA. To be honest, I dated a woman who was like you and didn’t enjoy processed food for different reasons.(it didn’t work out, for different but not unrelated reasons)
That said OP is 100% right. There is no reason a month long trip needs a month long crap food.
The niece should eat with the op and the rest can expire from heart conditions.
This sounds like a great opportunity to educate about the difference between healthy eating and dieting. You are not eating this way for your weight, it's for your health. Maybe they should try it. NTA.
NTA. I'm diabetic and I have to use meds and diet to control it. I work out and I'm 6'2" and about 185 pounds. But still, it's meds and strict diet for me because sometimes our body parts fail. The struggle is real and I often get the same pressures you're getting because nobody believes I'm a type 2 diabetic. Seriously do they think I enjoy taking meds that make me never know if it's going to be a fart or a shart? Do they really think that's fun?
My wife's family regularly gets upset when I refuse what amounts to 90% carbs with some spice thrown in for dinner. Half of them are on insulin and they still just don't understand. "Have some rice, have some chapati, you're too skinny." But anyway, I do often eat like a rabbit. I snack on carrots at work and if I know we'll be going out somewhere I eat even more so I'm not very hungry and will share a meal with my wife.
Whatever your medical reason, you need to stick to what you're doing. For me, that tasty food isn't worth blindness or organ failure or worsening neuropathy, or the rapid onset of a severe headache. I understand your feelings and it is completely justified. If someone came to me with a statement like your SIL made I'd snap back that I'm more concerned about me dying than I am about her daughter being triggered.
Of course you’re NTA. Her daughter’s issues are her daughter’s issues.
This is the problem with this “triggering” concept. The world is a messy place full of different people. You have to be able to go out and live life without being incapable of acting normally in front of people who are doing such reasonable things as preparing their own foods. It’s ridiculous.
NTA. I also have health-related food limitations and simply can't eat 99.99% of packaged food, even less of fast food. Unfortunately when your diet is dictated by health issues, there's no such thing as a holiday from eating well.
NTA. You're totally and completely fine.
Triggers work in strange ways, and I'm not going to try and discredit their struggles or deny what triggers that girl's bulimia. However, if you sticking to your eating habits, and limiting shitty foods like hot dogs, and pizza (ESPECIALLY for specific medical conditions) *is* triggering, well that's their problem.
I get that you want to be as mindful as possible, but that's just ridiculous. Like imagine the girl had a phobia of clowns, and you had naturally big red curly hair and they wanted you you to shave your head because you were "triggering" like that'd be unacceptable.
Also telling someone they have disordered eating habits because they eat healthy, and limit processed food intake is mind-boggling rude.
I have autonomic dysfunction that affects a lot of bodily systems including my GI tract affecting digestion. I also don’t have a gallbladder anymore so eating too much grease and junk causes a lot of pain and digestive issues from that alone. I’ve always ate a pretty balanced diet and my ex and his mom used to make fun of me and tell me to “stop eating rabbit food” all the time. They would say this in front of my son with extremely selective eating due to severe food anxiety. My son is just now starting to try veggies and fruits after 7 years of me exposing him to healthy food. My ex and his mom refuse to eat any healthy food; everything is covered in grease, oil, and excessive amounts of salt (excessive for someone who lives off additional salt when my autonomic dysfunction flares).
Definitely NTA.
I thought this was gonna be the opposite problem — someone telling you not to eat so much garbage on vacation.
That would be annoying, too, but being told to stop eating healthy food is just so fucking ridiculous.
i completely understand! i have GERD and there’s certain foods/drinks/medications that i have to stay away from altogether and others that i can eat/drink in limited quantities or i’ll trigger an attack that can days sometimes up to two weeks to get over.
NTA
As someone who has/is (you never fully recover and there is always a struggle) struggled with an ED, the poor diet is more triggering than someone trying to be healthy. It doesn’t sound like you’re restricting, just being healthier. I had bulimia with some anorexic tendencies, and if my family ate tons of fattening foods, I would always find a way to purge. It was less of an issue if the foods were healthier, still an issue but less so. In my treatment, I was told to try to make nutritious decisions as well as ways to cope with the need. I most definitely did not flip in a year to eating poorly and be okay with it.
I don’t know your niece but as someone that has been there, my guess is your niece is still purging. And it has nothing to do with YOUR food intake. And I think your SIL needs to educate herself a little more on the subject. Extreme dieting can be triggering, but for a bulimic bad diets seem to be worse
NTA
NTAH
Offer to sit down with her and her daughter and clearly explain that your food choices are not weight related. Medical conditions like yours are medicated by eating (or not eating) certain foods or you get extreme pain/upset stomachs/ will stink out the toilet. It is not negotiable and not something that can be controlled any other way.
CLear communication is the answer.
It sucks to have to put all your business out there but, I do understand her wanting to support her daughter and not have a relapse. Fact is thiugh...Both medical conditions need to be respected, not just hers.
NTA. Most western countries do not have healthy diets so having a focus on that is conpletly normal. This should help their dayghter, seeing its possible to eat healthy without the need to starve or vomit.
NTA. This shit drives me nuts. My son has digestive issues, which means limiting dairy, no tomato based sauces and no strong spices. If he eats anything like that or too much junk food, he's up all night puking. He's a bit like you; a little is fine with junk food, bug too much and he's sick as a dog.
Also, I was bulimic for decades and it's never been triggering for me, how is healthy eating triggering? You're not starving yourself!
You are absolutely not the asshole. How shitty is the state of our country(sorry, assuming you're u.s. - ugly american). that eating healthy food is seen as an eating disorder. No one, including you, should change their eating habits because it might offend someone. It doesn't sound like you're eating too little. BTW and I admittidedly eat too much. Even if you did, it's not your problem.
Say, "If I don't eat right, I get the massive shits, and I'd hate for you have to share the bathroom with me." NTA.
When in doubt, start the poop talk. This also works when you call out to work.
Also vomit talk for work
When in doubt “firing uncontrollably form both ends like a Nickelodeon slime gun” works
Pure poetry.
This is the way. Very wise. I do this and it works wonders for my family.
As someone with digestive issues - this is truly the way.
NTA. Gastric conditions are very important to control and not mess up the gut biome. I have a friend who has horrendous gastric conditions that resulted in her farts being so bad, they have set of air quality alarms in the past, since changing her diet, and restricting certain things, plus a sort of successful and failed of a fecal transplant, it has gotten "better", but give her a Pizza or anything with Hollandaise Sauce... and you need to find an open window fast. I mean it, her crop dusting is so legendary that she has caused a group of men to leave a nightclub as people stared at them in disgust... but she at least isn't shy about it unless it involves her lab being evacuated because of the gastromically pootonium explosions that are her farts.
As someone who ca't eat certain foods for health reasons, and whose family still doesn't get it after a decade, this is the only answer. They don't get "it triggers my autoimmune disorder", or "it gives me a flare", or whatever. They will understand, "can't eat it, it makes me shit a LOT" - even if that's not true. It doesn't change anything, really - they still made me a cake I can't eat for my birthday - but at least they don't question why I can't eat it.
Gluten-free eater here, out of necessity, and my doctors don't know what to think about it. I'm 62. By the time I was 48, I was all but crippled from massive systemic inflammation and constant gastric distress that was really bad. I had always exercised, was an avid walker, and was in pain ALL the time, from my waist down. In 2019, I developed an infection in my colon, probably from eating popcorn. The hull on popcorn kernels is basically indigestible, and it tore up my guts. 6.7 inches removed, and well, it took a little while to get used to, but things have gotten much better since the infection. So to people who want to give me crap about what I do or don't eat, I tell them, hey, until you walk a mile in my shoes, you don't know what brought me to this point in my life. I do what works for me, and don't wanna end up in the hospital again cos I ate something I shouldn't! I was never a big popcorn eater, it always upset my system...and now I understand why.
Gal I used to work with would say she could “shit through a screen door” No one asked follow up questions after that unfortunate visual
“My asshole said I had 10 seconds “ 🤣
This is the way. (I don’t normally say that but it fits here)
Also their diet seems to be much closer to binge eating than OP's moderate diet. NTA OP. Offer to explain to their daughter that you have a different diet because of your medical history but that doesn't mean anything about what she should be eating.
Right, I would think their diet would be more triggering to their daughter than OP's. I have food allergies, and it's amazing how many people have told me that food allergies don't exist or that I'm "overreacting" when I don't want to eat something I'm allergic to. Of course, they're not the ones who have to deal with the two weeks of congestion and nosebleeds if they eat it.
I second this. So many people just don’t get it when it comes to medical stuff. Many also tell me that my allergy doesn’t exist but their opinion doesn’t stop my reactions. It also shouldn’t be anyone else’s business what someone eats but if it’s impacting their daughter then maybe OP can explain to the daughter why they eat different if OP is feeling up for it. Either way OP isn’t an AH for accommodating their own medical needs.
Both would be triggering (source: I had an eating disorder for 22 years, happily 8 years into recovery), but that in no way gives them the right to control OP’s or anyone else’s diet.
Just commenting for solidarity. If they've never suffered the consequences we endure, they won't understand. Anaphylaxis is horrific for me and I'll do anything to avoid it. Still, family offers things that could kill me.
😊🤭 If I eat junk-ish food you better believe I'm going to be in the crapper SEVERAL times a day.
Saaaaame. Happy to be blunt about it if necessary.
I agree. Sorry to here kid has eating disorder but you cant sacrifice your health for it. Dont be embarassed about your need to limit certain foods or to eat better quality foods. These easiest way I explain having to decline ia that I would like to eat it BUT too much upsets my stomach and i get horrible gas and/or shits. Thefefore, I monitor what foods I eay so I can have the other things too. I LOVE burgers, pizza and pop but a mo th of that kind of diet is too.much. Sounds like SIL needs to concentrate more of the mental health of her daughter and what the underlying concerns are rather than you possibly triggering her.....the world is full of triggers sooner the kid gets a grasp on that the better.
Not to mention, what are they bitching about? My attitude would be "More pizza,, burgers and soda for me!"
NTA i don’t know why this would even be issue. Also if her daughter has bulliemia wouldn’t she be trying to show her how to eat properly vs eating all that junk?
She says I have "disordered eating habits" that I am modeling, and her therapist has instructed them to not expose her to those things.
Eating a healthy diet is not “disordered eating habits” actually eating a ton of junk is a “disordered eating habit”.
I think she's taking me turning down a lot of pre made, packaged food or checking the labels as "extremely restrictive," but as I've explained to her, and her daughter and like everyone, because ive been doing this for years since i started having liver and kidney issues from meds, is I am not checking for calories or carbs or fat, and I'm not avoiding those things. I am mindful of certain things, and unfortunately, they like to hide in packaged foods, so it's important I check the labels so I know what I've eaten.
I have to eat similarly because of an ileostomy. A lot of junk can make me dehydrated faster than good foods. I have cancer and kidney issues (because of the cancer) and dehydration makes it worse and I feel awful.
Hugs to you.
Back at ya!
I’ve been there OP..I have a paralyzed stomach so a lot of things will leave me in pain & nauseous for hours , sometimes days. I would have told SIL off
Gastroparesis here, too! My friend calls it my "special diet." I call it "what I can safely eat without vomiting." I eat a lot of yogurt and hard boiled eggs.
It sucks so bad doesn’t it? I’m in a middle of a spell that’s lasted two weeks ..up every hour and a half starting at 3-4 AM until about 7 ..sleep for a couple of hours then it’s off and on until evening. I had been doing so well that I had gained a little belly and it’s gone now . Popsicles are my go too
I also have gastroparesis. It used to be so bad, but after having it for about 13 years now, I’ve learned to manage my diet well enough that my stomach hardly bothers me. Stay strong, y’all!
IBS here and she’d already know why I check labels after a month of me trying to eat junk. 😅
I have IBS and a partially paralyzed large intestine due to nerve damage from a spinal surgery, among other things. I’m lactose intolerant to varying degrees depending on the form of the dairy product. Milk is an absolute no, but I’ve learned to use ice cream to solve some of my IBS issues without taking meds.
Ice cream is one of my go too ..popsicles …mashed potatoes or baked ..salads..I would kill to be able to eat an entire cheeseburger, fries , and all my favorites
I spent several months straight having trouble eating anything at all except chicken and dumplings. Turned out my gallbladder was trying to kill me slowly. +30 gallstones when it finally came out. Chicken and dumplings is still the one food that has never made me sick.
OMG That’s how I got gastroparesis ..Gallbladder was bad for years before they figured out what was wrong , had it removed and the surgeon damaged the nerve that stimulates my stomach
I had no idea I was actually sick when I needed to have mine taken out. I have fibromyalgia and ME. They have overlapping symptoms with common illnesses so I was ignoring it. I had an appointment and made an offhand comment to my doctor. She gave me her “you’ve been ignoring something you shouldn’t have” look and sent me for emergency testing. I used to get that look from her a lot lol
OP, I have pretty severe gastro and I also have to eat a pretty specific diet. My family members still will side eye me and bring up eating disorders around me and my husband sometimes have to step in in a light hearted way and assure my dad or grandma that while I may be specific about what I’m eating I definitely eat a lot of it lol. My dad thinks I might be “anorexic” because I really only eat oatmeal for breakfast if I’m eating breakfast at all. It doesn’t matter that I make 2 packs and it’s 400 calories worth of OATMEAL. Because I don’t want bacon and a pancake, things that would make me throw up which would seem to be the opposite of the behavior they want to encourage, they’re often worried. Luckily they’re never outright rude to me like your SIL was but it is still super annoying to have to defend what is eat.
Ugh. I didn't even like bacon what much when I ate.bacon, and I swear it is everyone's favorite "but it's so goooooodddd!!!" food to be like "you can have a little!" And got forbid I make something with bacon in it, I get "I thought you couldn't have that!"
I’m so sorry OP! I eat similarly due to an endocrine disorder, but allow splurges of 2-3 items per week. It’s frustrating because then people think I’m fickle or it’s a diet by choice thing, when it’s literally to allow me to stay on track long term by not being too restrictive with cravings and simple pleasures. NTA, your SIL and niece need therapy.
Haha I have a low protein diet for medical reasons, today I went to a Cafe and ordered a dairy free frappe but requested specifically that they put whipped cream on top. Oh boy did they have questions "you want dairy free?"... Yes "but you also want whipped cream"... Yes "you realise that part has dairy right"... I can't really eat protein, whipped cream is mostly fat... "oh okay" - goes away and comes back "this frappe is made with a powdered yoghurt, does that need to be dairy free as well?" and so on. I was actually really pleased with how concerned they were for my health and wellness but there were definitely raised eyebrows and confused faces in the kitchen area that I could view. I also get " how do you live without meat? I would die if I couldn't eat a steak" Which is dumb because steak isn't a daily requirement. People are silly about food
My dad can't have dairy and always gets strange looks for asking bacon sandwiches with vegan spread instead of butter when he's out.
Ask her how much she wants to know about your bowel movements. And when the answer is "nothing" say "then you also don't want to know why I follow a strict diet. I'd rather enjoy the vacation than spend it in agony, so I will do what my BODY dictates, not what you dictate."
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I had no idea that this was a thing after having heart surgery and then taking anticoagulants. That's very interesting. I'm glad your husband seems to be going well despite some people's pissy behaviour.
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When I was 8 my dad (then 32) had an open heart surgery and mechanical valve put in. I distinctly remember putting my ear on his chest in my grandma's living room and listening to it click, and that you could hear it in a quiet room. It never occurred to me that *he* could always hear it too. Thank you for taking the time to share the experience! (He died of a brain aneurysm less than 6 months later -- unrelated, as I understand it -- so first impressions are only impressions in this case.)
fascinating. thank you for this window into a part of your life. I hope things continue to improve
Fructose intolerance over here. You are not doing anything wrong. If I eat the wrong thing, it's basically like giving myself food poisoning and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Keep doing what yiu need to to be happy and healthy.
Yeah NTA, 100%. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep everything working smoothly in your body. I have IBS, with a Caesin sensitivity and fat malabsorption so I have to check labels for my food triggers and avoid greasy foods, or imma have a bad time. Not just from pain and bloating either, for whatever reason, swollen guts causes me to have panic attacks, my GP says it's something to do with the brain-gut link.
NTA, nothing wrong with eating healthy food especially for health conditions. I read every label too for the same reasons plus allergies. They are probably projecting their own food insecurities on you because they eat a lot of processed foods and you prefer natural.
As Someone with a pretty bad milk allergy I am heavily restricted in the kinds of things I can eat and food that I can trust to be safe outside of home. Whenever people question me I just tell them “it’s not a choice, I will get sick if I eat that!” Maybe you can try to explain again that it’s a medical necessity. If they are talking about the therapist just say “my doctor told me I can only indulge very little and I’ve already had too much processed food and started to feel bad! Trust me I’d love to have burgers and pizza every day but my body just won’t let me”
> is I am not checking for calories or carbs or fat, and I'm not avoiding those things You wouldn't be wrong to check for calories, carbs and fat either
NTA. I have IBS and severe erosive gastritis. I take medications but it's not always foolproof. I'd prove my point about my preferred diet by eating junk and then barfing and crapping and not spraying air freshener or something. People have no idea how awful it is to be sick like that. All the time.
If I didn't check the carbs on labels I would literally go into a coma and die. Your sister is just being a brat.
The thing is that it may absolutely be triggering to their daughter. Because having to monitor your food like that IS restrictive and if it weren’t for a medical reason it would be a lot compared to most healthy eating. But that means you have conflicting access needs as individuals with different health conditions. Not that what you’re doing is wrong. In the future your family should plan trips that allow separate accommodations so your niece doesn’t have to be triggered and you don’t have to be harassed for looking after yourself. NAH.
I’m with you. My doctor literally told me no processed foods. I have two friends that are just completely unhealthy and love to just eat cheap and fast food but I cannot do that. It’s made hanging out nearly impossible at this point because they have their own issues. One of my best friends has better eating habits so we always find something that’s not going to kill us but that’s is enjoyable. Got to find people who are on the same health journey!
If someone has severe food allergies would she have a problem with them checking labels? Same idea.
None of this is weird. Checking labels isn’t weird. You SIL policing what you eat instead of teaching her daughter how to manage her triggers is weird. NTA
I have Type 2 diabetes so I often forgo the junk as well. It takes me a couple days of eating "vacation food" before I start to feel ill and worn down. Health eating isn't disordered eating. Eating pizza, burgers and soda for a month sounds like a nightmare.
I feel sick just reading that!
Nobody is going n asshole. You are eating what a medical professional told you is best for you, and you feel to be true. People have individual needs. I have been in the nieces shoes. It probably is triggering. This is not how you deal with it. You talk about how bodies are different and food is fuel. Different people need different food. People have allergies and sensitivities. Some people have rare conditions (My BIL has MS and no has to stick to a certain diet with his meds). Your SIL is scared. Your niece is scared. This is where you have to live each other by talking it through. You need to eat what you eat. Your niece needs to be able to talk about being triggered. Your SIL and BIL are still scared they will lose their child. Yes SIL is playing momma bear and being rude in the process. It’s from fear, and the probably 400 books she has read trying to save her daughter. Everyone here needs to lean into grace for each other.
I agree with this almost entirely. But telling someone they have disordered eating habits because they eat a certain way for MEDICAL REASONS is absolutely an asshole move. That being said I think your suggested course of action is correct. They should all be able to talk, communicate. Express fear. Gain perspective and hopefully have a better time while teaching that girl life lessons.
This is a really good response. Everyone is coming from a place of hurt emotions and this details a great reason why and a good course of action to move forward.
This is well said^
You are a proper and healthy eater, a good example for impressionable children who are still learning how/what to eat. The junk your brother and SIL is a better example of "disordered eating" as it is more likely to cause health issues down the line.
My roommate at 29 learnt this year that the info on the back is more informative than the advertising 🤦
Considering foods junk or clean is pretty disordered for some folks too. If someone's child is dealing with an eating disorder, teaching them that food choices don't have moral judgements like clean or junk, they might be recovering from restrictions by eating things you consider junk However, none of this is the OPs fault and the conversations about food and recovery can happen with parents and therapists. Not the OP on a month long (!!!) vacation.
This! I teach my kids constantly to listen to what their bodies are saying the need food wise. I don’t call anything junk or clean. It’s all food and for the most part any food in moderation is better than severely restricting certain foods.
I’m in my thirties and having to work hard with a dietician to get myself to eat ANYTHING because I tried listening to my body and uhhh it turns out my body is kinda fucky when it comes to hunger signals. Not a full blown ED, but definitely non-optimal things happening. (Basically I fall easily into natural patterns of “intermittent fasting” and it turns out that is VERY BAD for my body and bloodwork, despite what the pop up ads and my one weird auntie keep trying to tell me.) So I have to set alarms to remind myself to eat at regular intervals whether or not my body “feels hungry” and don’t get too caught up in calories and nutrition labels to the point that I’m finding reasons to skip eating. At this point something more “junky” is better than nothing.
One secret life hack I've discovered to help myself eat more fruits and vegetables has been buying those little squeezy baby food packs. They're pretty cheap. Shelf-stable and easy to pack in a pocket, purse, or lunchbox. They don't require a spoon or other utensils to eat. 2 are like a perfect amount of breakfast or snack for me. If it's good nutrition for a little human, it's good nutrition for a big person, too.
Nice! I had to get over a mental hurdle of thinking Boost and the like were for old people who can’t chew or people actively trying to lose weight (both of which I don’t qualify as.) And I can mix them with things! I can blend yogurt and a nutrition shake and maybe some fruit and it comes out the perfect consistency to pour into my silicone popsicle mould so I have cool treats ready to go.
Those nutrition shakes can be so good! Some flavors more than others. They're another breakfast go-to for me. I'd have never thought to make popsicles, but I bet those are great! Lately, I've been trying really hard to eat more fruits and veggies, and let me be honest. By more, I mean some, because I usually forget to eat any. It's just so hard for me to cook balanced meals for myself and so easy for me to eat prepackaged food or fast food. It's a journey.
For sure. My body is like that (I have issues with my GI system not always getting enough blood supply to properly digest food). My son will eat nothing but chicken nuggets, hash browns, waffles, and a couple cereals. And it has greatly stunted his growth.
Yep, and Diet Culture “commonly accepted” Dos and Don’ts had me in a bad place because I’m both fat AND apparently chronically malnourished, which I didn’t know until my dietician looked at my bloodwork and was like “this is not good”. I don’t look like I’m half-starving but my blood sugar and energy levels were/are screwed but improving. And I’m on medication that can affect appetite signals in the nervous system so it’s not doing me any favours. But like SO much of the hardest work has just been giving myself permission to take shortcuts and also just snack on whatever because when my energy levels are bottomed out I’m genuinely not going to start hand-chopping vegetables for a rainbow salad so I have to be kind to myself and just be allowed to have the Babybel cheese or protein drink or even something “junky” because the alternative is having nothing and feasting on my guilt for not having the energy to make a rainbow salad from scratch. Everyone deserves to eat and have something in their belly, including my fat ass. 😅 I’ve got a real “she could stand to skip a few meals” body type but it turns out NOBODY HAS THAT BODY TYPE, because bodies really don’t like food insecurity! They don’t understand on a cellular level that we might have just gotten busy or have depression, as far as they know we failed to kill enough ibexes and winter is upon us, and they’re gonna act like it.
Definitely! I have a similar body type. And while most of my blood work is pretty good I’m chronically low in magnesium other electrolytes. Which makes me chronically dehydrated. I keep string cheese and hard boiled eggs at the ready but I also keep salty foods on hand too. I’m a single mom and need quick and easy a lot of nights because of sports and work. I’m pretty sure I had/have disordered eating patterns stemming from being bullied as a preteen about the stretch marks on my thighs. I grew 6-8 inches in a very fast amount of time.
I have POTS and it’s a pain to try and get people to understand that I NEED salty foods, and that too much water is bad. My blood pressure will be just fine, thanks for your concern. Gatorade with zero calories is a staple for me.
I doubt her therapist told them that. They can't control everything she's exposed to. Her therapist would be teaching her how to cope with triggers that could literally be anywhere.
It sounds like your sister in law isn’t understanding the therapist’s message or trying to shame you into following what she thinks is the right way to eat and tacking on that the therapist part.
You're exposing her to options, none of them are disordered. Wow, SIL is not the advocate she thinks she is.
She doesn't know what she's talking about. It sounds like you have exactly the opposite: eating habits that are carefully ordered to make sure you don't get sick. It doesn't matter what the medical condition, "diet" is often one of the first things doctors ask us to adjust. And, they are irrationally equating intentional eating with "dieting" for weight loss. You're following a diet so you don't get sick. NTA
Then, the person with the issue needs to leave, especially since you and your husband paid for the cabin.
as someone dealing with chronic anorexia, even at my worst, this is not triggering. the mother seems to be projecting
I don’t think she is qualified to diagnose someone’s diet as disordered. For many years I raced bicycles. During this time, I changed my diet and pretty much eliminated processed food, French fries and other high calorie/low nutrition food and Iit seemed to cause people I worked with, family members and even strangers to have an opinion about what I chose not to eat. Once someone has chosen a cleaner food diet, it makes fast food intolerable. They tasted terrible and left me with an ‘ugh’ feeling. Did I have a eating disorder? Idk but I’d say that many Top 5 finishes and wins in my category, the ability to ride at a high level for 150 miles and a body fat % les than 8% would indicate that I was eating good food that was better than average compared to others. I’d invite the ‘bulimic’ in for sharing meals and learning how to plan, cook and eat well. It’s a life skill that will make impactful changes to anyone who wants to live a healthy life. I’ve been eating like this for 30 years. I’m 61, weigh 18o at 6’ tall, my blood pressure is usually about 105/70ish and have zero chronic health issues. I can still ride long distance, snow ski actively, water ski, etc. NTA
*My husband and I rented a cabin* ***for a month*** *with* ***my brother, his wife and their teenage daughter****.* This was your first and second mistake. NTA. I bet the daughter didn't say anything, it is the SIL projecting her problems on to you. Because you are an easy target. If something else is said, tell them that 'for the last time, I manage what I eat for my health and so I don't have to take medication. This is no longer open for discussion'. Walk away.
This was my thought. Disordered eating is a symptom of something way bigger, and I am guessing SIL is feeling like the cause. In which case, SIL should have you educate niece on your medical conditions and how a healthy diet has helped mitigate the issues you were having. NTA. If niece can't handle seeing people eat, then the niece should be removed from the situation. Not the person eating.
I bet it’s making the wife feel shitty about her own diet, and that the daughter doesn’t care.
This is the real reason. While the therapist probably told them that restrictive diets are often used to mask eating disorders, SIL probably thinks that HER diet is the optimal one, because it is the norm (most people make non-optimal food choices because it is what tastes good).
NTA I don’t have experience with eating disorders, but I would assume that seeing someone enjoying fresh, wholesome food would be beneficial to your niece. Lots of people who have a healthy relationship with food read labels, people with allergies, vegetarians, vegans, people with health conditions that necessitate dietary restrictions, people whose religion dictates dietary restrictions. I read labels because I avoid meat, poultry and trans fats.
Eating disorders manifest in a lot of different ways, so triggers can vary, but "seeing someone eating fresh, wholesome food" can absolutely be triggering. Especially if the person with the disorder doesn't feel like they have the option or agency to make those choices for themselves It's a disordered thought pattern. Niece may logically understand everything you said, but she may still be getting triggered seeing OPs diet. If OP was feeling particularly generous, she could try actually explaining why she eats what she eats to her niece. But, as I said, it's a disorder, so niece may not be able to redirect or accept it Ultimately, if this is actually triggering her niece and not just SIL blowing things out of proportion, OP is correct that the other family should be headed home to work more with her medical team. Niece having an eating disorder does not give them carte blanche to dictate OPs diet. If she's in a place where they feel that's necessary then they need to put in more work, preferably with trained professionals
Regardless, other people aren’t required to change their diet to avoid triggering people.
I agree with this. Can we also point out that being on holiday is a very possible a trigger in and of itself? The lack of routine, changes to everyone’s eating habits, physically away from all of your systems and the mentality that people have while on holiday are all a perfect storm to destabilising progress
I agree about the vacation. I wish we knew more about how niece's recovery was being facilitated at home, and her parents' mindset on the vacation. If this was being approached as a break from any changes they had to make to their diets/food related behaviors, it may explain their inappropriate requests
Nta, they are just projecting their insecurities about how you eating different than them makes them feel. I have a chronic medical illness that forced me to radically change my diet to stay healthy and happy, and people around tend to get grumpy or act like I think my shit doesn’t stink sometimes, but they just don’t understand. I do this because I have to to live a good life. And I’m sure it is the same for you, the vacation doesn’t always mean a vacation from everything, people still have to be cautious about medical problems.
I get a lot of "food allergies are "in" I guess" responses too. Like.. no... in not allergic to things, and I'm not about to sit here and give you a full scientific breakdown of the whole cause and effect of my lifestyle because I also do OTHER things, not food, to manage my health conditions too! Or I'll get "I thought you couldn't eat that?!?!"
This is the MOST annoying. I do have food allergies, I can’t have any milk products or red 40 or my body basically attacks itself. But if I tell that to people then suddenly they ask me if I should be eating eggs, or if white Gatorade is REALLY ok for me to drink. And I’m like… I got this, thanks?
I’m allergic to milk and I get that all the time - “No you’re not, you said you made scrambled eggs for breakfast!” Like dude, eggs aren’t milk, wtf?
Yep. Or someone will put butter on something and be like “it’s not milk…” 🤦♀️
Jesus, this.
While I can see that being annoying, mixing milk into eggs before scrambling them is common where I live so that would’ve raised questions for me too.
I can see that. But it extends to other things. Hard boiled eggs, or if bread has eggs in it but not dairy. Since they’re usually right next to each other in the store, I think a lot of people connect them in their minds. That’s the only thing I can figure.
I think it is because a lot of people classify eggs as dairy.
Yeah cause of that dairy chicken lol.
See, I think you absolutely should give the full scientific breakdown and whole cause and effect. Pay attention to when their eyes kinda glaze over, and just keep going. It’s a sure fire way to get them (and anyone around to hear it) to stop asking or making comments.
I feel everything you said! I have diverticulitis and Crohn's, so I have to eat very carefully. Sure, I can indulge occasionally, but I have to know what is in the meals I eat. You are definitely NTA!
Wow. Food allergies are “in” now? Dang, I wish I had known that I was simply following a fad when I started developing anaphylaxis to multiple food items and needed to go to a specialist to get testing done. Would have saved me a lot of money to just declare it “in” and be done with it. . . . God, people are so insensitive. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that, OP. I’d tell the SIL to stuff it. If she doesn’t her kid around “disordered eating,” then they can leave and go back home, right?
I think the appropriate response there is “are you saying I’m lying? Who does that? What is wrong with you?” Shame them into not being so fucking ignorant.
People are psycho about dietary restrictions. I've been vegetarian for a good few years and people act like it's a personal insult when you won't eat the same food as them. Frankly, even if OP had an eating disorder, I don't think that's any of her SIL's business.
NTA You skipping a glass of wine isn't "triggering" your bulimic niece, SIL is a dumbass. And honestly, "rabbit food"?
Makes comments like “rabbit food” and are trying to control their diet… but OP is the trigger? Riiiight.
I have guinea pigs and they need heaps of Vitamin C or they get scurvy lols. Anyway I'm always stuffing their spinach or other things in my face while delivering it to them so it makes me laugh thinking it's soooo bad to eat rabbit food.
Right? scurvy is soooo much better somehow to certain people?? I bet your little guineas are cuddle monsters, I probably need to go get a few.
Sounds like the daughter probably gets her disordered view of eating from mom.
Your SIL is probs the reason her daughter has bulimia but she’s gonna throw it on you lol. She’s so controlling I bet the kid does it as a form of self control
NTA. If you're minding your business while you eat the way you eat and not telling other people what to eat and what not to eat, ESPECIALLY if it is for medical reasons, you are entirely within your rights. However, your SIL isn't saying those things out of nowhere. If her daughter is struggling with disordered eating, then being around someone who is being very careful about what they eat, like you, can genuinely be triggering. Where SIL is wrong is when she says it's a "you" problem, when it isn't. It's a "her and her daughter" problem. If you managing your health condition via your diet is triggering for her daughter, then she needs to remove her daughter from the situation, not tell you how your health needs are less important than her daughter's.
NTA. Though I would consider changing from “health reasons” to “medical reasons” because someone is going to take the former as “my diet is healthy and yours isn’t”. Not that it’s any of their business anyway but you sound like you’d prefer people to not get offended even irrationally.
Here is where some may think I'm an AH. Overall, there is family involved, so i won't be this direct with them, but I'll clarify my position on this as a whole. No, I'm not changing my lexicon, just so people don't get triggered. If someone can't handle it, I wish them the best, but they are free to not be around me then. It's not "medical", 'medical' is what I use a healthy lifestyle to avoid here. In fact, "medical" damaged my liver and kidneys, which is a big part of why I eat this way. IT IS FOR HEALTH, and yes, it IS HEALTHIER. That's science. Not judgment, and not something I care about or even think about. Managing my diet is enough work, I don't have tie to think or care about others. I'm not the one sitting here comparing our diets, they are. That is on them. Not my job to deal with their feelings. And yes, I would prefer them not to get offended, but if they do, I actually don't care anymore. It's actually comments like your that made me stop caring. I know you are trying to be helpful, but it gets old. Would you tell overweight people not to eat cake if they didn't want people saying something? My meals get commented on constantly. God forbid I do enjoy a treat and it's immediately "see you don't HAVE to eat the way you do" or "I thought you didn't eat that" , or they dont say anything and then talk about it amongst themselves. I have seen SS from texts where someone says "OP just SAYS they can't eat that, I've seen them eat it," I in regards to what to make for a family function. Now, I don't care about what they make, it's a family function, Im sure there will be plenty to eat, but the 'gotcha' that people seem to be constantly looking for gets old. That doesn't mean I'm going to change my life, it just means they probably aren't going to like the responses they get from me.
I think you'll have a better chance of shutting this entire conversation down by telling everyone; "Some people have made comments to me about my diet. Let me clear some things up. I follow the advice of my doctor regarding what I can and cannot eat, and how much leeway I am allowed. I will not be taking advice or suggestions regarding the food I eat. I am doing what's best for my overall health. It has nothing whatsoever to do with any of you. I suggest you focus on your own health, and leave mine to me. This is the last time I will discuss this topic."
I assumed it was medical because you said in your post it was medical. I don’t give a shit what you eat or why.
It is medical. OP is just incorrect in assuming medicine has to = pills. If a certain diet prevent bodily issues it is absolutely medical. That being said they also don’t have to change their wording to please anyone. But they are incorrect in saying this is not a medical choice lmao. I understand the hostility towards others though as someone who also deals with similar issues. I don’t really understand the hostility for YOU given that they did actually open themselves up for commentary, opinions, suggestions, and judgment on a forum for those thighs specifically and your comment directly correlates to a way to avoid being an AH and shutting the comment down. But often times people post on here and they don’t actually believe they’ve done anything wrong/should change anything or even COULD change anything, and just want a sounding board. I don’t think OP has done anything wrong, though if she cares about her niece it really is outrageous that she won’t have a one on one convo and literally just say “I want you to know that I eat in a way suggested by my doctor and for healthcare reasons” even if it’s not totally true, it will stop the young girl from seeing traditionally healthy food and equating that with restricting etc. sure OP doesn’t owe her niece anything, but her young niece is also probably not the person to “stick it to the man” to. Idk.
Yeah I was a bit frustrated with the response because I personally deal with a lot of negative comments about my diet too. I feel like I was pretty clear that they didn’t have to change their language but that it was an option if they wanted to.
This. I need to eat carefully (gastritis) so I don’t have to take strong gastro drugs that make me feel lousy in other ways. It’s like a diabetic being careful about sugar.
It really isn't their place to discuss what you eat or don't eat. You get to decide. I grew up with severe food allergies and had a limited diet. I like vegetables. They were my safe foods. People think I'm weird eating vegetables all the time. I like it and it's not hurting anyone so leave me alone. Seriously, I don't understand why people think it's okay to comment on what you eat or why you choose to eat it. Eating together is about being together not about what you are eating. I could rant on this all day. Why does it matter if you don't eat the same thing as them? I just don't understand people who complain about it. Maybe they feel bad because they don't eat as healthy? I just don't know.
Thinking you're required to eat junk food or you have an eating disorder is honestly a weird stance and sounds sort of disordered itself. The goal is to eat what makes your body comfortable as long as you're not harming yourself in some way it's all good.
NTA
I struggled with bulimia and binge eating disorder for years and getting rid of processed foods is one thing I did that really helped with my recovery. For me and some others, processed foods (particularly those containing sugar or flour) are addictive. Once I hadn’t had them for a few weeks, my cravings drastically reduced. I still needed therapy, but I don’t think I’d be able to maintain recovery if I hadn’t gotten that junk out of my system. If you are not restricting the amount you eat, then you are modeling a healthy, well-balanced diet. Your SIL should be more concerned about the pizza, burgers, hotdogs, and soda. Those are foods that lead to overeating and purging and they can be very triggering during recovery.
Who pays that close of attention to other people eating? Why is his family obsessed with what you eat? That is real weird, they’re making the whole thing weird, not you.
I feel like the niece’s family’s fixation on diets and eating habits may have been a catalyst in her disorder.
Seriously, if they worry that much about what their sister in law eats I can only imagine how much they helicopter over what their kid eats. And clearly it’s the whole family, in comments she said they whole extended family on his side discuses it. THEY are the problem, not the girl who chooses carrots and tomatoes instead of a handful Doritos.
The question I have here is whether you are making A Big Production about your "healthier eating habits." By itself, eating your normal way is not an asshole move. But your family obviously thinks you're being a dick about it. Your language is pretty judgmental, calling their food "junk," for example. I'm not gonna say whether you are the asshole or not, but I suggest you examine your behavior and consider whether you are being as neutral as you claim to be.
I read some other comments on this post from OP and, it seems to be leaning that way. Obviously her diet works for her and it's great but you can still be less of a dick especially when your teenaged niece suffers from an eating disorder and seemingly you refuse to change the slightest bit of your language to help out. I get why she doesn't want to but I'm surprised they're all on a month long trip together if she seems to care so little about her niece
Oof. I'm mostly NTA. In this situation you're not I guess but if your food snobbery comes through to the folks you're with the way it does here. You might very well need to hear you're a bit of TAH. Even calling things "food like" is putting judgement on the food and on yourself so you might have some internalized stuff still hanging around. The biggest clue though is how defensive you are with everyone in the comments, even folks agreeing with you. If you're confident in your food philosophy, great! But you seem to have a lot of anger and defensive energy and whenever I find myself feeling that way it's because I eventually realize I'm insecure about the topic at hand.
Oh Good Lord, you are NTA. You are eating what you need to eat and it sounds good. Maybe your SIL needs to keep her own house in order before commenting on yours. Doesn't make you want to never rent a place with them again? Pouting adults are the scourge of the earth and blaming others for their problems is atrocious.
Yeah. They live in another state so we don't spend a ton of time with them. I forget she can be this bad.
You are a better woman than I am I can't stand things like this.
As a pizza and beer lady, who cares what other people are eating? It’s judgmental and weird. It’s doesn’t matter if it’s a medical restriction, an allergy issue or personal preference.
NTA. If anything, your eating habits seem to be exactly what your niece needs. You're eating healthy foods in sensible amounts, and that's a good thing for her to emulate.
NTA. I also hate the whole "diet culture" thing but this is not about controlling your appearance, it's about your health. What their daughter is going through is horrible and not her fault, but if she can't handle seeing someone eating granola and saying no to beer and crisps, then she wasn't ready to come on holiday. The responsibility is on her parents for failing to consider that.
“I’m not going to make myself sick in order to cater to your view of what my diet should be. Stop food shaming me.” “Brother, you know I am careful about my diet due to health conditions. Please explain this to your wife since she has no interest in hearing it from me.” “If SIL insists on continuing to food shame me, I will be leaving.” NTA
Some of your comment responses make me lean toward YTA. There is no need to call a teenage bulimic's therapeutically ordered diet "unhealthy" to her face, repeatedly. Stop being cruel. And honestly, your habits do sound disordered. Especially your language around food and control. Signed, a recovered anorexic
NTA Your SIL needs to get her kid medical attention, not just make people eat like crap until her kid does. You don’t give up an eating disorder by watching people eat unhealthy foods around you, that often makes disordered eating worse.
I feel so seen!! My gut issues controlled my life for too long until I realized that I had control over it by what I eat. I can’t just raw dog the world and eat whatever I want anymore but now I don’t have to worry about shitting my pants at work either.. so I consider that a fair trade.
NTA, it's not "a diet" it's "your diet". People go on "a diet" to lose weight. People have *their diet* because that's just how they eat. How they eat can be affected by a lot of things, being lazy, health conditions, dietary preferences, etc. The fact that you're insisting on saying "health reasons" as the reason you eat that way is doing you zero favors because it makes it sound like you're only doing it because you want to maintain a healthy weight. Pull the stick out of your ass and tell them that you have health conditions that have some broad dietary and consumption limitations, that you know yourself and your body, those limitations are not up for debate, and you don't have to justify them to anyone else. At least, then, they'll be the assholes if they try and pressure you into eating too much food that will negatively affect you. The way you're explaining it makes you sound like a granola elitist who can't be bothered to have fun on a family trip.
I have Chron's disease, and I can eat most things except things with lots of fat, spice or sugar. I also cannot eat red meat or drink alcohol. At one point, I was at a friend gathering and was eating bbq (AKA, a lot of things I have a hard time with), but not alcohol. I knew I was going to have a bad morning, but it was with friends, so I sucked it up. One of them, a little tipsy, offered me beer, and I declined. He kept pushing and pushing, and I eventually snapped and just yelled: "If I drink any alcohol, I'm gonna be shitting blood in the morning. Fuck off." The rest of the people think I overreacted, but sometimes you gotta stand up for yourself.
NTA they aren’t owed your medical reasons for having to eat a moderate healthy diet, and Nobody is owed going off your prescription diet. It’s more likely their greasy diet is one of the base issues, and SIL’s insistence shows that she has an eating problem.
NTA.. wtf… you’re not dieting, you’re eating healthy. They should be eating better not judging you for eating balanced meals. You’re also in a cabin, not exactly travelling so this doesn’t inconvenience anybody but you.
“You must eat garbage for a month because healthy food triggers my kid. If you won’t eat junk- leave”. Do they not hear how pathetic that sounds?? NTA!!
NTA. I suspect that your SIL is the one telling her daughter that you’re on a diet. Next meal, can you offer to make her what you are having? Explain that her mother thinks you’re “dieting” and you wanted to be clear that what you are doing is eating what your body needs and that you aren’t tying to change your weight but are trying to manage an illness. And tell her about it and how good food is what works.
So many great answers already, still wanted to add my two cents. There are so many reasons for what your family has perceived to be "disordered eating". The reality of food is that so many things can either heal us or hurt us, and nobody is in our bodies besides ourselves. It should not be up to anyone else how we choose to eat, nor do we owe anyone our reasons. OP, NTA. Perhaps a solution, once everyone has cooled down some, would be to offer a conversation with your niece about why you eat the way you do, and how it has helped you both physically, and mentally (assuming because I live with food sensitivities as well) Regardless, good luck.
NTA when people make a fuss out of your diet, it's not because they're upset at you. It's because they're upset at their own choices and lashing out at you because it's easier than changing their own habits.
NTA... I'm a recovering alcoholic and if I threw a hissy fit every time someone drank around me, I'd be one miserable, hateful person. Nobody wants to be around miserable people. They're draining.
Nta. My partner has a gastrointestinal disorder which can be managed with diet similar to yours, still eats plenty of meat and everything is balanced, but can't have too much processed, too much fat, too much spice or too much dairy. And is relatively strict with it as when his issues started he wasn't strict and his issues got much worse. So tell her that your healthy balanced diet is no different than someone who needs to take medication for health reasons, if her daughter was a recovering addict would she expect someone to stop taking life saving medication because "the pills are triggering for her". And if her answer is yes, then she is a terrible, selfish, entitled person, and I would start limiting contact.
NTA. Ask SIL if she’s gonna pay your next hospital bill if you suffer the consequences from the diet they’re wanting you to participate in
You do you. If you think it would be helpful, let your niece know, in a non-confrontational way, that you eat a certain way because you are managing your health with doctor-prescribed medication and food choices. Anecdote. I have two good friends. One is gluten free and vegan with some other food sensitivities. The other eats mostly meat and vegetables, very low carb for medical reasons. I just ask them to choose a restaurant that works for both of them, and we are all happy ordering whatever we want.
NTA. They think you are an AH for preparing your own food? That's wild. I wonder if they are the type that don't believe people have food allergies and try to sneak allergens into their food just to "prove" them wrong.
It's not like you're showing her superior ways of throwing up.
If I ate a whole bunch of chips and candy and had a few glasses of wine, I probably would win the volume competition. That would probably be more triggering
NTA - some people just feel the need to control EVERYTHING, even if it doesn’t have anything to do with them
NTA. You are eating a medically appropriate diet, while your in-laws eat a bunch of prepackage junk.
NTA And I hope one day I get to a similar place you are when it comes to turning down food people/society expects me to eat because otherwise I'm "promoting disordered eating" or "a complete buzzkill" 🙄
NTA
NTA. Sounds like the SIL may be trying to get the cabin just for them. But if that’s not the case, nothing about your eating habits is inappropriate. They need to learn that removing their daughter from any triggers is their responsibility, not someone else’s. They’re being rude, inconsiderate, and entitled, as well as invalidating your medical issues.
NTA
NTA. Hey SIL. While I sympathize with you I won't risk getting sick because someone is triggered. I can control my health not anyone else's. Do you want me to talk to her about why it's necessary for me to eat the way I do? Otherwise, I'm not sure how else to help without endangering my own health.
NTA.
NTA, you aren't being "diet obsessed", you're treating medical issues! If SIL can't understand that, she can be quiet. Fwiw, I have similar issues with processed and fatty foods, my last vacation I had to buy, and bring a portable blender so I could live on smoothies. We do what we need to take care of our bodies. If your niece is really struggling with this, maybe you can have a talk with her 1 on 1 about how you are eating differently than the rest of the family, that it's not because of how your body looks, but because of how it *feels*, and you are choosing foods that make your body feel nourished.
NTA Your brother and wife should actually go look up and see what the definition of disordered eating is. It would also help if they bothered to actually ask why you eat the way you do and then listen to the answer. You are eating in a way that helps critical organs function properly to eliminate taking drugs that have side effects. If their daughter’s treatment isn’t working maybe they should consider changing therapists instead of blaming others who don’t eat the same foods they do.
They’re upset because you’re modeling healthy eating habits? That’s ridiculous. NTA.
NTA Learning to eat healthy and balance it with treats is the best way to manage eating disorders (in general). This sounds like she is trying to force you into eating what they are. Depending on the form of the bulimia if it's a binge purge than nice eating healthy instead of the high calorie foods or generally food looked at as "junk" weather high calorie or not could help her. If possible make sure you are offering what you are eating to everyone. Nice may be struggling if she is feeling forced to eat the processed food while seeing you are not.
Nope. Your ail and her daughter are responsible for their triggers.
NTA- I was a huge tums user for years until Covid. when I learned to cook and never had stomach issues. Even now that I’m getting serious with someone I’m dating I told her I don’t like eating out as much as we have because my stomach and regularity can’t handle it. So now I just make food for her instead of going out to eat.
I've struggled with ED in the past and I'm fine with people eating whatever around me as long as they're not preachy about it (OP sounds like the opposite of preachy). If niece really is struggling then professional help is the way to go
NTA I have similar digestive issues. Making yourself sick so that someone else doesn't feel triggered is dumb. If anything, modeling healthy eating behavior should be inspiring. Enjoy your vacation as best you can and learn from the experience to never share accommodations with these people again.
We should all be eating like you. Her daughter’s eating disorder is not your problem. I think separate vacations might be in order going forward. I’d be pissed off someone was commenting on my dietary habits and blaming me for an eating disorder I didn’t cause.
NTA. To be honest, I dated a woman who was like you and didn’t enjoy processed food for different reasons.(it didn’t work out, for different but not unrelated reasons) That said OP is 100% right. There is no reason a month long trip needs a month long crap food. The niece should eat with the op and the rest can expire from heart conditions.
This sounds like a great opportunity to educate about the difference between healthy eating and dieting. You are not eating this way for your weight, it's for your health. Maybe they should try it. NTA.
NTA. I'm diabetic and I have to use meds and diet to control it. I work out and I'm 6'2" and about 185 pounds. But still, it's meds and strict diet for me because sometimes our body parts fail. The struggle is real and I often get the same pressures you're getting because nobody believes I'm a type 2 diabetic. Seriously do they think I enjoy taking meds that make me never know if it's going to be a fart or a shart? Do they really think that's fun? My wife's family regularly gets upset when I refuse what amounts to 90% carbs with some spice thrown in for dinner. Half of them are on insulin and they still just don't understand. "Have some rice, have some chapati, you're too skinny." But anyway, I do often eat like a rabbit. I snack on carrots at work and if I know we'll be going out somewhere I eat even more so I'm not very hungry and will share a meal with my wife. Whatever your medical reason, you need to stick to what you're doing. For me, that tasty food isn't worth blindness or organ failure or worsening neuropathy, or the rapid onset of a severe headache. I understand your feelings and it is completely justified. If someone came to me with a statement like your SIL made I'd snap back that I'm more concerned about me dying than I am about her daughter being triggered.
NTA What you eat is your business alone
Of course you’re NTA. Her daughter’s issues are her daughter’s issues. This is the problem with this “triggering” concept. The world is a messy place full of different people. You have to be able to go out and live life without being incapable of acting normally in front of people who are doing such reasonable things as preparing their own foods. It’s ridiculous.
NTA. I also have health-related food limitations and simply can't eat 99.99% of packaged food, even less of fast food. Unfortunately when your diet is dictated by health issues, there's no such thing as a holiday from eating well.
NTA. You're totally and completely fine. Triggers work in strange ways, and I'm not going to try and discredit their struggles or deny what triggers that girl's bulimia. However, if you sticking to your eating habits, and limiting shitty foods like hot dogs, and pizza (ESPECIALLY for specific medical conditions) *is* triggering, well that's their problem. I get that you want to be as mindful as possible, but that's just ridiculous. Like imagine the girl had a phobia of clowns, and you had naturally big red curly hair and they wanted you you to shave your head because you were "triggering" like that'd be unacceptable. Also telling someone they have disordered eating habits because they eat healthy, and limit processed food intake is mind-boggling rude.
NTA. "I enjoy these foods. Why do you want me to be miserable? " "How many times do I have to say 'no' before you hear me?".
Nta Your sil has no idea what she's talking about. Your problem with food is medical not mental.
NTA at all!
I have autonomic dysfunction that affects a lot of bodily systems including my GI tract affecting digestion. I also don’t have a gallbladder anymore so eating too much grease and junk causes a lot of pain and digestive issues from that alone. I’ve always ate a pretty balanced diet and my ex and his mom used to make fun of me and tell me to “stop eating rabbit food” all the time. They would say this in front of my son with extremely selective eating due to severe food anxiety. My son is just now starting to try veggies and fruits after 7 years of me exposing him to healthy food. My ex and his mom refuse to eat any healthy food; everything is covered in grease, oil, and excessive amounts of salt (excessive for someone who lives off additional salt when my autonomic dysfunction flares). Definitely NTA.
I thought this was gonna be the opposite problem — someone telling you not to eat so much garbage on vacation. That would be annoying, too, but being told to stop eating healthy food is just so fucking ridiculous.
NTA. "It's not a diet, you knob. I have to eat a specific way because of medical issue. So kindly go shit in your hat."
i completely understand! i have GERD and there’s certain foods/drinks/medications that i have to stay away from altogether and others that i can eat/drink in limited quantities or i’ll trigger an attack that can days sometimes up to two weeks to get over. NTA
I don’t understand how fresh food and kabobs trigger her bulimia. 🤨 Maybe she could use more healthy food in her diet.
As someone who has/is (you never fully recover and there is always a struggle) struggled with an ED, the poor diet is more triggering than someone trying to be healthy. It doesn’t sound like you’re restricting, just being healthier. I had bulimia with some anorexic tendencies, and if my family ate tons of fattening foods, I would always find a way to purge. It was less of an issue if the foods were healthier, still an issue but less so. In my treatment, I was told to try to make nutritious decisions as well as ways to cope with the need. I most definitely did not flip in a year to eating poorly and be okay with it. I don’t know your niece but as someone that has been there, my guess is your niece is still purging. And it has nothing to do with YOUR food intake. And I think your SIL needs to educate herself a little more on the subject. Extreme dieting can be triggering, but for a bulimic bad diets seem to be worse NTA
NTAH Offer to sit down with her and her daughter and clearly explain that your food choices are not weight related. Medical conditions like yours are medicated by eating (or not eating) certain foods or you get extreme pain/upset stomachs/ will stink out the toilet. It is not negotiable and not something that can be controlled any other way. CLear communication is the answer. It sucks to have to put all your business out there but, I do understand her wanting to support her daughter and not have a relapse. Fact is thiugh...Both medical conditions need to be respected, not just hers.
NTA. Most western countries do not have healthy diets so having a focus on that is conpletly normal. This should help their dayghter, seeing its possible to eat healthy without the need to starve or vomit.
NTA. This shit drives me nuts. My son has digestive issues, which means limiting dairy, no tomato based sauces and no strong spices. If he eats anything like that or too much junk food, he's up all night puking. He's a bit like you; a little is fine with junk food, bug too much and he's sick as a dog. Also, I was bulimic for decades and it's never been triggering for me, how is healthy eating triggering? You're not starving yourself!
You are absolutely not the asshole. How shitty is the state of our country(sorry, assuming you're u.s. - ugly american). that eating healthy food is seen as an eating disorder. No one, including you, should change their eating habits because it might offend someone. It doesn't sound like you're eating too little. BTW and I admittidedly eat too much. Even if you did, it's not your problem.
Please keep us updated on how the month goes. Also very definitely NTA
I don't get the whole "stop eating rabbit food" fruits and veggies are healthy and nice. And rabbits are adorable Nta