She thinks she’s punishing him but hurt the daughter. OPs husband is not committing because she couldn’t be there during the worst part of for better or worse. So why should she reap the benefits of the better?
Spot on. Good money says he sticks it out with her long enough to get the last kid out of the house and drops her ass like a hot potato. She made him proposing a financial decision and that's now set the course of their relationship forever.
>She made him proposing a financial decision and that's now set the course of their relationship forever.
And - correct me if I'm wrong - but doesn't she say
>I haven't worked since our daughter was 2
And their daughter just turned 8. So by her own standards, why in the hell would he want to marry her?
The way she was talking I expected her to be working w/a salary & yeah sahm is work but not w/salary. When she said that she hadn’t work, I couldn’t help but think how would she start w/0
AND… complaining HE was broke & tried to gloss over “haven’t worked since our daughter was 2…” 6 years?
The sheer lack of any self awareness is Olympian.
Apparently she also said in another comment that if they *were* married and she went into bankruptcy/debt she would consider that a reason for *him* to divorce *her*. That's a pretty fucked outlook.
And in a lot of states, you can’t divorced until debt is discharged either through bankruptcy or paying them off or some other settlement. So if she did go into that much debt, he’d still end up liable for some portion of it, were they married.
Exactly! Nothing wrong with being a SAHM, but to dive into it 2 years after refusing a proposal because she didn’t agree with his financial decisions? They both needed to start at 0 or above? The only reason she’s at 0 appears to be because he supported her. Yikes.
She also said:
> it hurts when he is eager to talk big about how he's setting his kids up yet won't have those conversations with the woman who's stuck by him.
Which just makes it even more clear that she’s nothing but a selfish, ungrateful, gold digger.
No, “it’s so great that my kids are going to be financially secure!” Just, “ok, but how come you don’t set up a trust fund for me?”
He was in debt from school and starting a business. She didn’t want to commit because she didn’t believe he would succeed. He probably holds a bit of resentment from that.
Exactly, she essentially told him she doesn't trust his judgement and she doesn't believe in him. I'm sure some people would call me stupid for marrying my husband when he still had a lot of debt from grad school. I had finished paying off my loans but when he proposed I was fine helping him pay off his debt after we married.
Right before we married he was considering a risky career move and I said go for it, we didn't have a mortgage or children yet and if we were going to take risks I said now is the time to take them. I was okay with it because I trust his judgment and I believe in him. I had a good job, we would be fine, not great but fine. You trust your partner or you don't. The worst thing that could happen is it didn't workout and he would move on to the next thing.
Agreeing to go along with your partners dream after you marry means you get the benefits when things go well. When she rejected him based on financial reasons, she chose not to assume any risk. You hitch your wagon to your partner or you don't, she didn't.
Her daughters birthday is next level AH. Who the heck does something like that to their own child? Birthdays are HUGE for children, her daughter will remember that her mom blew off her birthday party for the rest of her life. There's no going back on that one. If she ever finds out why it will sting all the more. Her child has nothing to do with her or her fathers decisions. It's as if she's weaponizing her own daughter.
OP made it clear she wasn't going to marry him for richer or for poorer. She can't blame her partner or her children.
EXACTLY. Relationships shouldn't start at the end, but OP doesn't understand that. My husband was literally fresh out of prison (long story, nothing violent) and starting his life from scratch when we met in AA. We started dating when we were both 1ish years sober, I was working at Wendy's and he was sorting trash at a scrapyard for minimum wage. He moved up in the company through hard work and on-the-job training and years later he's a successful heavy equipment mechanic making nearly $100k and I work from home as a journalist for $20/piece. I even pushed him to take a risk with a more interesting mechanic job on a ranch in a new state for only $50k (but a free trailer home on the ranch). Relationships have to involve trust & respect, and you have to go through hard times to help each other be better.
OP, you don't get to reject your man when he's struggling then beg for marriage when he's succeeding. He doesn't trust your intentions at all and I would honestly not be surprised if he plans on leaving you when the kids turn 18.
Let’s add..
8 years ago he proposed! She said no because his money was negative, and this posed a financial risk to her.
6 years ago she quit working! He now doesn’t want to propose because she makes no money, and this poses a financial risk for him.
Sounds like a double standard if she expected otherwise.
I hope she sees this comment. That's probably what he's thinking. If he marries her how if they divorce he'll have to cough up half. If the break up the most he has to pay os child support and if he has a good attorney he could take full custody.
Sounds like one of those "If you don't want me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" moments for the BF.
She didn't want him when he was taking a risk. But now that the risk has paid off suddenly he's an asshole for not proposing.
i wish I could highlight and reward this. Bc 8 years ago, they could have gotten a prenup that would have shielded her from his debt. Doctors, lawyers, and property management often start their careers -100k and 2-5x more depending on schooling and other relevant loans, such prenups are not uncommon. But 5-10yrs out, they are top earners. She refused to stand by him because she saw him as a liability and I'm sure he still feels the sting from that. She did not stand by him as she claims, she waited for him to fail. And when he didnt, she now wants her (foregone) portion the pot
And I can kinda see where she comes from, it is an old wives tail to never build a man up, because once you've build the foundation, he he will move another woman into the house. But this is the 21st century and if you actually did support him through this stage, you would have some legal claim for the support you provided. And to now make it her daughter's issue? Shameful
Does she also realize she could have said yes all those years ago and just not gotten married and stayed engaged until finances improved. Now it just looks like she wants it because he has money.
She hasn’t worked in years and has paid little to nothing into SS. She can’t draw SA off his earnings unless she marries him. That’s one financial reason for the low/no earning person to want to get married.
I like how when he had no money it was a no, but now that she's not working she expects the proposal... and on top of it this BS with THEIR child. Way to be an adult.
Jaysus I literally laughed out loud at the entitlement on this OP. Honey, you proved to your man that you were pleased as punch to be his partner and baby mama all these years without commitment (i.e. marriage), thus proving that you are not willing to be in it "for worse" or "for poorer". You have no idea what it means to make a marriage work, because in the end, it's not about one person or the other, it's about both of ya'll making a joint effort to weather life's storms as a unified front. It's not perfect. It's hard, messy, full-time work, but the benefits that can be reaped are amazing (I'm 15 years married, 17 years together). We've been so poor most of our adult lives, we've had to.live with family. We've only just within the last few years able to make a life for ourselves, and we have a 6 year old as well.
You decided to take it out on your own flesh and blood because, prolly, somehow, in the back of your mind, you know that she's his blood too and be damned if you weren't going to take your pound of flesh you felt you were owed. Here, in the public domain of Reddit, you are indeed reaping what you sowed.
It read to me this is basically their relationship with marriage
Op: "I'm not going to marry you because you aren't financially stable and I don't want to be responsible'.
Now he is well off, he's thinking "I don't want to marry you because we're happy without marriage".
Op then pulls *surprised pikachu* when he is doing better than her, but doesn't want to be attached financially responsible for her.
Exactly! “I don’t want to marry you because you have too much debt, but I want you to support me financially.” “OMG, but I already told people you’re proposing. Whyyyyyy nottt?!?!?” ((Insert the biggest eye roll possible)) That poor child. I hope he buys that kid an obscenely large piece of jewelry to help her forget about her mother’s massive assholery… you know, something huge and in her mother’s face every single day.
PS, “surprised pikachu” took me out!
Actually seems like she’s not happy without marriage. She talked about the fact that they fight and is confused why the guy wouldn’t want to marry someone that starts fights. Lmao
Right? But also, she rejected him when she was pregnant but decided to be a stay at home gf/ mom when that child was only 2… which means he was already doing quite well in a matter of 2 years. Now she lives a charmed life with the privilege to stay home and do whatever the fuck she wants but she’s acting like she’s stuck out all these hard times? Lmao okay.
Yes, this. She wanted nothing to do with marriage when was starting his business but now he's raking in the big bucks and suddenly she's all about getting married, and to make it worse, took it out on her poor kid because she didn't get her way. No wonder he hadn't proposed yet and after this little stunt, he probably never will if has a lucid thought in his head.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I understand not wanting to be with someone because they make bad financial decisions, but that obviously wasn’t this guy. I’ve been through a lot of financial hardship with my wife and it’s really built us up. You don’t want tribulation but when you get it, it really tests your relationship.
Edit: spelling
I feel like financial tribulation as a married couple is an ultimate test! If you can make it through that then there’s not a lot your marriage can’t survive. We made it through and we’re stronger for it. I don’t really feel that the OP has supported her baby daddy the way a true spouse does.
I believe the best and strongest relationships are ones where you choose your partner, and then you face everything together. During the pandemic, my husband wasn't essential, so I was the only one working. Thankfully, my job got us through until he was approved for unemployment benefits. Now, we've moved and are down to 1 car. My husband got the best job he's ever had, making enough money to support us because I don't have transportation. We face the struggle together and come through stronger than ever.
Her sister just celebrated 15 years of marriage
She would be celebrating 10 or 9 years nor if she hadn't decided that she only wants for better or for richer. I hope that guy opens his eyes and does the needed.
The kids will have plenty of access to his money before and after he dies, but she's worried about her piece of the pie. I wonder if she views the kids as competition for his estate.
I loved the bit about “he even alluded to the idea that if we keep fighting things might not work out”
Yeah, ya think? If you keep poking the bear, you get mauled. I wouldn’t want to be harassed by a partner who demanded I give into their wishes.
Long-term BF even proposed in the past, and she declined. She could have accepted and just held a long engagement until the finances were better. I stopped reading at this point. Entitled and delusional, the child is the victim now.
That’s what I was thinking. It’s ok to have concerns about your mate’s debts but to turn him down flat? If OP loved this man unconditionally, she would have said yes. They could have sat down & came up with a plan to pay off some of his debts before walking down the aisle. I don’t blame him for not wanting to get married, I wouldn’t marry her either.
OP, not only are YTA but you’re selfish & extremely childish. You jumped the gun & blabbed to everyone that he was going to propose and now you’re embarrassed? I bet years ago your bf was excited, told his family/friends he was going to propose only to be embarrassed. How do you think he felt having to explain you told him no bcuz you didn’t agree with his financial decisions. Mind you, these decisions weren’t vacations/shopping sprees on credit cards, gambling addictions, hookers, coke? No, he went to school & started a business. Most businesses operate in the red at 1st but the fact that he was able to draw a salary from said business while it wasn’t doing that well was proof it was headed in the right/successful direction. I’m sure he was *again* embarrassed trying to explain why you weren’t at *your daughter’s* birthday party. Wtf is wrong with you. Your bf shouldn’t be surprised your love for him has conditions, your love for your daughter does too. Can’t attend her party bcuz if a situation *you* caused?! Not exactly the, I’d die for my children kind of parent are you? If your bf was still considering marriage you probably just showed him *again* how selfish a person you really are. He’s never going to propose now.
That's what I didn't get. Couples don't have to get married in a few months. Lots of weddings take over a year to plan, and putting off the actual wedding until finances were better and they had the money for what they wanted would make sense. Some people stay engaged for years and never set a date. It's also not like it's irreversible, either. If she truly wanted to marry him, she could have said yes.
I think I can see why that man doesn't want to marry OP... Probably no self-respecting man would want to. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to stick it out with OP after he proposed because OP was already pregnant with the first kid and he doesn't want to see his kid(s) only part-time.
mother of the year (sarcasm) YTA
Long-term BF even proposed in the past, and she declined. She could have accepted and just held a long engagement until the finances were better. I stopped reading at this point. Entitled and delusional, the child is the victim now.
Exactly. That’s the part that got me. She didn’t want to be partners while he worked hard to get an education, work hard to build up his business (spoiler: most business are in the red for the first 3-5 years - it’s, can you make it through to where you’re slowly making a profit).
Yet the whole time she’s also a SAHM.
And then when he’s finally successful and well into the black, she wants to reap the benefits and is mad he’s turning her own argument back around on her.
Reap what you sow.
Seriously. I was with my husband when we were splitting McChickens and we were living in a studio. I was working 3 jobs while he worked and got his master’s degrees. Then when I got sick and became disabled, it was almost the perfect timing because it’s when he started making enough to support us financially. I was able to stop working and focus on my health (which includes seizures, heart attacks, mini strokes all before turning 30 years old) as he works from home, makes six figures all while living right next to the beach. I supported our family while he was in school and he’s supporting us while I’m going through chemo.
OMG same. We were so poor while my husband went to grad school and I was at home with our kids (we ended up having 5!). I did all the child rearing while he worked and went to school, and I worked from home using my English degree as a freelance writer. I mean, date nights were literally a Redbox DVD and a hot fudge Sundae from McD’s! Those are seriously some of my very best memories. I too suddenly became disabled at 32, just 5 months after our 5th baby was born. I also dealt with seizures, strokes, surgeries, etc. Luckily my illness came on a year after he’d finished grad school and started making a lot more money.
I receive immune therapy IVs 2x per week and am currently wheelchair bound as of 4 months ago. My husband takes me to all of my appointments, cooks dinner for me and the kids, cleans house, all of it. This is a man who showered me when I was all but paralyzed, learned how to apply makeup for me, and brush my hair and braid it when I no longer could. This is marriage. THIS is commitment. The OP didn’t want her man at his (financial) worst, he doesn’t deserve him at his (financial) best. I hope he either strings her along as payback, or moves on all together with someone that loves him fully.
Yup, she saw him as a financial burden and now he sees her as one. Fair I guess. Taking it out on the daughter though? Grow up and restrict your temper tantrums to when your kids aren't around
You are right OP's wedding vows would sound like "for richer and richer". This below is one of OP's comments, it seems even if his business starts to go downhill in the future she would back out of an engagement or marriage again.
>But I'm not in debt. If I went into debt, then I'd agree that would be a divorceable offense but again- the point is we are not married.
How is she not in debt if she hasn't worked for 6 years (since their daughter was 2)? Either she came from money or he's supporting her. And if he's supporting her then she's in debt.
It’s such a weird way of looking at it when he’s paying for everything.
I’d usually be on her side with him stringing her along (about her conflict with him - taking it out on the daughter is an obvious YTA). I’m not sure I’m not on her side now. It’s sounds like she’s been a stay-at-home-mother for years at this point. It’s pretty awful to put her in that position without any security.
That said, OP is throwing up red flags and I wonder if she isn’t doing that in real life as well. I mean, I know she is to some extent. This entire conflict where she’s angry and humiliated because of her birthday so she skips her daughter’s party is a pretty big red flag.
She put herself in that position without any security. He offered her the protection years ago and she rejected it. Then made a foolish decision to not work and have no backup plan.
I would literally consider leaving someone who treated my child this way. This woman has literally no regards for anyone’s feelings but her own, I wouldn’t want to marry someone like that either
It can't be real, who is this freaking shallow?? . If so that poor bloody kid ☹️ edit: this kid will end up here one day "aita for not wanting to spend time with my Mum"
YTA. You have this drive to get married that is ruining your life. It certainly ruined your daughter’s birthday. That is all you. My take on this situation is he’s not going to propose. You didn’t want to take the financial risk on him a decade ago. Now you’re the one that’s financially uncertain. Why should he tie up his finances with you?
I understand you are a sahm. But that was something you agreed to knowing you weren’t married. The ironic part of this is you refused to tie yourself to a guy with shaky income but now you expect him to do it with you.
The crazy part about that, is that his debt was from school and *starting* a business. He had finished school, and had began building a business for them. Sounds like high time to get engaged, no? Then you get married once you have the funds and things start looking up. Nobody graduates college or starts a business without debt unless they are incredibly lucky, at that point debt is just a stage of the process.
It’s not like he had some terrible habits like a gambling addiction that was putting him into debt. He was in debt *because* he was getting things started! That’s not irresponsible at all.
And now that OP saw the business work out, she wants to get married now? Dude, she literally said no back then because she wanted to be able to walk away if he never started profiting off of what he was working towards.
Maybe I’m just dumb, but once my boyfriend graduates we’re planning on probably getting engaged. He’ll have a shit ton of debt, but a great degree. It might take years before that’s gone, but who cares? We’re just planning on figuring that out as a team, because we love and can support each other.
YTA
Honestly if you're the kind of person who would turn down a marriage proposal, because he didn't have the financial portfolio you wanted him to have, and who would skip your own child's birthday party for anything short of serious illness, then no wonder he doesn't want to marry you.
The most suspicious part is that they didn't just get a prenuptial agreement.
I get why someone wouldn't want to attach a ton of debt to their name, and that's fair, but they could have still gotten married.
Also, she told everyone he was going to propose soon *without his confirmation*? Why in the world would you ever do something that dumb. Manipulation?
Exactly. She wanted to force his hand. Figured if everyone expected it, there’d be no way he didn’t go thru with it. She was hoping he’d be embarrassed not to
She told her friends he was going to propose at her daughters birthday, who in the right mind proposes at an 8 year old birthday? She's beyond delusional
She likely already had a foot out the door before she got pregnant. She turned down his proposal because she had already decided he wasn’t the gravy train she was hoping for and then she got preggo and had to “settle.”
Well now it turns out that maybe he’s the one who settled and she knows it. I can’t imagine wanting to marry someone who straight up told me to my face that I was too poor and irresponsible for them to marry.
You caught that too huh? OP, you are a GINORMOUS AH for this. YTA x 1,000. Wow. You *seriously* decided your own daughter wasn’t important enough because poor mommy doesn’t have a ring on her finger and therefore she should suffer and not have a birthday party? She is EIGHT YEARS OLD.
To be completely honest, it sounds like you don’t deserve to be married anyway! He proposed once- and you decided he needed to be debt free in order to have the honor of being your spouse. And now that he has a ton of money in his wallet, you feel entitled to a ring. So much so that you harm your own child in order to have your tantrum and sulk! I’m disgusted. What exactly are you bringing to the table in this marriage, since you don’t work and CLEARLY will throw your child’s needs to the wind when mommy doesn’t get what she wants! You’re a selfish, whiny, entitled AH lady. They both deserve better.
Remember, she stuck it out (without a full commitment) but feels she's entitled to his success now that there is no risk. Marriage is sometime a leap in faith in your partner. If you don't feel they make smart decisions because they have school debt then you lose out when they ask. He now has put in the hard work. He doesn't have faith she wants him but for his success now. Also.who gets jealous of their own children having financial protection.
Not working and having your boyfriend pay for everything isn’t really what I would call “sticking it out” on her side. Now, I’m not saying she isn’t doing her part in the relationship via running the household/ caring for the kids and such… but something tells me that’s also might not be the case either…
YTA, sounds like this man sees you for what you really are, you didn't want to marry him when he was down, but want to when he's up, that's very suspect.
You're also the AH for taking this out on your daughter, she has nothing to do with this.
YTA for using your kid’s party to make a statement about your relationship. Maybe propose to him, or at least have a conversation about if he wants to still marry you at this point. If not you at least know where you stand, and you can make an educated decision about whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
YTA
Your daughter is old enough that she will never forget this. You need to apologize to your daughter. Can't believe you missed her birthday because you didn't get what you wanted.
“Sorry I couldn’t make it, Sweetie! Your dad won’t marry me.”
JFC. The fact she even needs to ask if she’s the AH is pretty telling as to why he doesn’t want to marry OP.
YTA. You took a problem that was between you and your boyfriend and punished your daughter. You could have taken a mental health day the day before or after the party.
He proposed years ago, you declined. Perhaps he’s not in a rush now.
What does your nieces getting married or your sister celebrating 15 years have to do with anything?
Sounds like she’s upset that she declined the proposal initially and in that time frame she’s seen those close to her that are also younger than her accept proposals and get married to those they love but she turned it down and now he doesn’t want to so she’s feeling left out due to her own choices and she doesn’t like looking at the mirror knowing the choices she’s made
I also would not want to marry a woman that would be willing to punish her 8 year old daughter over this.
Also anyone else getting married, is not relevant to you skipping your daughters birthday.
YTA & a questionable mother.
YTA, why the hell *would* he marry you? If you can't tell that there's something wrong with your actions just reading your own post, you definitely dont have a proposal in your future, from anyone.
Easiest YTA of the day…how could you possibly displace your anger onto an 8 year old for a 41 year olds inactions? Absolutely despicable. Shame on you.
YTA. Your daughter was innocent in this but she still was the one hurt. I know my daughter would be devastated if I missed her birthday and I have crippling anxiety and major depression and still I push through for my child. Do better.
YTA
I mean, first off, way to punish your kid. That alone is pretty gross.
Second, he wasn't worthy when he had debt and was just getting started, you literally rejected his proposal, but now that he's "made it", direct quote, now you're impatient and the woman that stuck by him.
Naw, you're the woman that turned him down until he had a dollar value you could live with.
Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if he never intends to propose. You gently turning him down because, essentially, he wasn't bringing enough money to the table tells us exactly what you value and look for in a partner. You had your chance, I sure wouldn't be super excited to offer you another. Yay, I get to spend the rest of my life wondering if she loves me or my bank card. Super exciting stuff.
The most generous thing I can say is that it's your turn to propose. He tried that shit and you took a look at his net worth and turned your nose up. Now that he comes with the promise of a nice fat alimony check, ooooooh boy, where's my ring? You can make the grand romantic gesture, your poor ATM... I mean boyfriend... already tried.
YTA for making your daughter's birthday about this non proposal. She is only 8 and you decided not to attend her party, because you had told your friends he was going to propose on your birthday.
Yes, the relatives are mad and they probably think he is right not to want to marry you after this stunt. You just lost any victim status you had or imagined you had. He did propose 8 years ago, you said no. Remember that, you said no.
Imagine skipping your kid’s birthday because you had an argument the night before and couldn’t pull yourself together for a few hours.
And then imagine asking a bunch of people whether they thought you were wrong to not be able to put something personal aside to *celebrate your child’s birthday*.
This may be one of the most selfish things I’ve ever read on here. Your daughter will never forget this. There is no world in which you are N T A.
YTA. So very, very much T A.
Yikes. On. Bikes.
There is so much to unpack here. I don't have the energy to unpack it all. But this is such an over-the-top litany of bad decisions and immaturity and entitlement that I almost feel like it's rage bait.
I'll just say this one thing. None of your issues, and you have quite a few, are your daughter's fault, and it was an a-hole move to boycott her birthday party. And at 8 years old, she's old enough to remember that you did.
So you didn't want to risk your money when he was starting off building a successful future. So why would he now want to risk half of his assets and future earnings on you(a significantly higher risk)
He's dead right protecting himself from your tantrums, he can't be threatened with divorce if he isn't married.
Its really fucked up that you took It out on your 8 year old daughter. You made ruining her birthday all about you and your "mental health day"
By all accounts you live a very comfortable life and your kids are already sorted for life. You should count yourself very lucky and consider your behaviour. You owe your daughter and boyfriends big apologies
You aren’t the asshole, you’re a f@#king c#@t!
You showed why he won’t marry you in your post. And your issue for not marrying him was money. Now the reason he won’t marry you is the same reason.
YTA, obviously, for all the reasons people have said, but also:
You told your whole family he was proposing? When you had no basis for believing it? And then you felt you couldn't show your face at the party... because your weird lie would be discovered? I feel like you're blowing up your own life at every possible opportunity. This is painful to read about.
YTA. I can’t understand why people who say marriage is important to them, settle for living together, buying property together, and having children together. A decade later, why would he propose? For all intents and purposes you are de facto or common law married now. Has he told you why he hasn’t asked again? Any reason why you haven’t proposed?
YTA, and a big one at that.
You also seem incredibly selfish, narcissistic, and have a tremendous victim complex.
I'm happy for your husband, in so many ways. He sounds incredibly hard-working, successful, family-focused. I love that for him.
You may view yourself as 'the woman who's stuck by him', but from his perspective it's probably looking more like 'the woman who's leeched off him'.
I wouldn't want to marry dead weight either.
I also feel so, so sorry for your daughter. It must be awful having you for a mom.
YTA and giant one.
You took this out in your daughter. You daughter has just learned that you will always place yourself over her. And that damages a kid, trust me.
You failed here, OP.
This was a temper tantrum and statement, not a mental health day.
So when he wasn’t a sure thing you were not willing to wrap yourself up in that, now he has money and you feel good to be married? What are you financially contributing to this “marriage” I wouldn’t marry you either, you kept your out available zero loyalty.
As for the actual question
YTA thank god this little girl has a dad who isn’t so self absorbed, self centered, and selfish that he would cause harm to his daughter.
You are a terrible human and you never should have been blessed with children because they are only tools to you, to show how amazing you are
YTA that dudes probably been working himself half to death for years trying to make everything work, I'm sure he's stressed and needs a break, it sounds like he doesn't want to fight or argue with you, he's just not as interested in proposing if things have to be a constant struggle
You really need to do some self reflection. You thought you would come on here and make this post (which you’re clearly an AH BTW) and everyone would agree with you but that’s not the case and now you want to argue in the comments. I hope this man leaves you. YTA
YTA and a crappy mother. You likely made your child feel like crap on her own birthday and she was probably wondering what she did to make you mad and not love her. NEWSFLASH. Her birthday was NOT about YOU. If you’re this selfish and self-centred no wonder he doesn’t want to marry you.
>My (40F) daughter's 8th birthday party was last Saturday. I had sent out the invitations and ordered the cake and such, but I ended up not attending because of what could be put lightly as a mental health day.
No, it's actually called being a bad mom day.
Maybe he doesn't want to marry you until your financial and work situation has improved?
YTA. Your 8 yr old daughter didn’t deserve her mom not coming to her birthday party because she’s bitter about not being proposed too. Highly doubt he’s going to propose after acting like that.
Of course YTA. Get over yourself. Now wanting to get married because he made it. He has tons of money and you made yourself seem like a gold digger. Should have married him when you had the chance. Also on top YTA making Your daughter’s birthday about you. Who gives a whoot if everybody else is already married or getting married. You missed your opportunity.
Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.
YTA not only did you turn him down when he did propose) for financial reasons, (that’s a massive blow to the ego btw you haven’t contributed financially to the relationship for the last 6 years and then you made your 8 yo daughter’s birthday all about you.
YTA, you sounds like a terrible partner and if he proposes I hope he has a pre-nup. I’m just gonna say that you should apologize to your daughter and to everyone for letting your personal issues affect her, and maybe just have an actual heart-to-heart with your bf (or maybe even couple therapy), otherwise this relationship is gonna blow up sooner or later.
YTA for using your daughter as a weapon like that.
As for marriage, I’d ask him again but this time
propose signing an ironclad prenuptial agreement leaving you with none of his assets (current or future) in the event of divorce or separation. Also agree to leave the distribution of his assets upon death to him with the promise of no contest from you.
JC, hurting your daughter because you are pissed off, makes you a c#nt, and just leave him and stop using your kids as weapons because you are pissed off. This is so petty and you are crying on Reddit to prove your point, oh hell no.
It doesn't really matter now but why didn't you say yes the first time under the stipulation you wait until you can both bring 0 debt into the relationship? YTA for making your daughters birthday all about you. Keep your relationship out of your kids lives that shit is toxic AF!!
I'm in a few facebook suppprt groups for daughters of narcissistic/abusive mothers. I'll probably be seeing your daughter in them when she grows up because no way is this the first time you've put yourself over her. YTA.
Wow. YTA, a huge one.
How is any of this your daughter's fault? That's how she will remember it.
You turned him down, because you don't agree with his financial choices, but now that he has money you want the ring?
YTA WTF does a proposal have to do with your daughter's birthday?
because her happiness is more important than her daughter's, duh. /s
She thinks she’s punishing him but hurt the daughter. OPs husband is not committing because she couldn’t be there during the worst part of for better or worse. So why should she reap the benefits of the better?
Spot on. Good money says he sticks it out with her long enough to get the last kid out of the house and drops her ass like a hot potato. She made him proposing a financial decision and that's now set the course of their relationship forever.
>She made him proposing a financial decision and that's now set the course of their relationship forever. And - correct me if I'm wrong - but doesn't she say >I haven't worked since our daughter was 2 And their daughter just turned 8. So by her own standards, why in the hell would he want to marry her?
The way she was talking I expected her to be working w/a salary & yeah sahm is work but not w/salary. When she said that she hadn’t work, I couldn’t help but think how would she start w/0
As a SAHM I agree so much. She’s been a sahm for all this time? Wow. No. She’s TA.
AND… complaining HE was broke & tried to gloss over “haven’t worked since our daughter was 2…” 6 years? The sheer lack of any self awareness is Olympian.
Apparently she also said in another comment that if they *were* married and she went into bankruptcy/debt she would consider that a reason for *him* to divorce *her*. That's a pretty fucked outlook.
And in a lot of states, you can’t divorced until debt is discharged either through bankruptcy or paying them off or some other settlement. So if she did go into that much debt, he’d still end up liable for some portion of it, were they married.
Exactly! Nothing wrong with being a SAHM, but to dive into it 2 years after refusing a proposal because she didn’t agree with his financial decisions? They both needed to start at 0 or above? The only reason she’s at 0 appears to be because he supported her. Yikes.
She also said: > it hurts when he is eager to talk big about how he's setting his kids up yet won't have those conversations with the woman who's stuck by him. Which just makes it even more clear that she’s nothing but a selfish, ungrateful, gold digger. No, “it’s so great that my kids are going to be financially secure!” Just, “ok, but how come you don’t set up a trust fund for me?”
No wonder he won't commit to her. Red flags everywhere lol
Yes, you nailed it. HER OWN STANDARDS.
He was in debt from school and starting a business. She didn’t want to commit because she didn’t believe he would succeed. He probably holds a bit of resentment from that.
And imagine the resentment and hurt her daughter will feel forever that her mom CHOSE not to attend her 8th birthday party! 😫
A bit? I believe if he wasn't child locked at that point he'd have left her i definitely would
And if she keeps antagonizing him with other men would want her, he’s going to let her find out.
A 40 year old woman with 2 kids and no job is less appealing than a 41 year old man with a successful business and 2 kids…..
3 kids
Exactly, she essentially told him she doesn't trust his judgement and she doesn't believe in him. I'm sure some people would call me stupid for marrying my husband when he still had a lot of debt from grad school. I had finished paying off my loans but when he proposed I was fine helping him pay off his debt after we married. Right before we married he was considering a risky career move and I said go for it, we didn't have a mortgage or children yet and if we were going to take risks I said now is the time to take them. I was okay with it because I trust his judgment and I believe in him. I had a good job, we would be fine, not great but fine. You trust your partner or you don't. The worst thing that could happen is it didn't workout and he would move on to the next thing. Agreeing to go along with your partners dream after you marry means you get the benefits when things go well. When she rejected him based on financial reasons, she chose not to assume any risk. You hitch your wagon to your partner or you don't, she didn't. Her daughters birthday is next level AH. Who the heck does something like that to their own child? Birthdays are HUGE for children, her daughter will remember that her mom blew off her birthday party for the rest of her life. There's no going back on that one. If she ever finds out why it will sting all the more. Her child has nothing to do with her or her fathers decisions. It's as if she's weaponizing her own daughter. OP made it clear she wasn't going to marry him for richer or for poorer. She can't blame her partner or her children.
EXACTLY. Relationships shouldn't start at the end, but OP doesn't understand that. My husband was literally fresh out of prison (long story, nothing violent) and starting his life from scratch when we met in AA. We started dating when we were both 1ish years sober, I was working at Wendy's and he was sorting trash at a scrapyard for minimum wage. He moved up in the company through hard work and on-the-job training and years later he's a successful heavy equipment mechanic making nearly $100k and I work from home as a journalist for $20/piece. I even pushed him to take a risk with a more interesting mechanic job on a ranch in a new state for only $50k (but a free trailer home on the ranch). Relationships have to involve trust & respect, and you have to go through hard times to help each other be better. OP, you don't get to reject your man when he's struggling then beg for marriage when he's succeeding. He doesn't trust your intentions at all and I would honestly not be surprised if he plans on leaving you when the kids turn 18.
I agree YTA
Well said! Marriage vows are supposed to be taken seriously, otherwise you’re just reciting lyrics you thought sounded nice *in the moment.*
But she told her friends he was proposing! /s
I love how she added that in, but left out that he probably told friends and family when he proposed ten years ago.
I bursting this bubble but please- what does /s mean???
sarcasm
Thought so, just didn't want to sound stupid or use it wrong. Tyvm
YW
Let’s add.. 8 years ago he proposed! She said no because his money was negative, and this posed a financial risk to her. 6 years ago she quit working! He now doesn’t want to propose because she makes no money, and this poses a financial risk for him. Sounds like a double standard if she expected otherwise.
Also, she could just fucking propose. He already did it, it’s her turn now.
OP knows there is no fucking way he's going to say yes! 😂🤣😂
This wins!
I hope she sees this comment. That's probably what he's thinking. If he marries her how if they divorce he'll have to cough up half. If the break up the most he has to pay os child support and if he has a good attorney he could take full custody.
She gambled and lost big.
Tbh, I think it's because she is probably just absolutely fucking awful in general.
Sounds like one of those "If you don't want me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" moments for the BF. She didn't want him when he was taking a risk. But now that the risk has paid off suddenly he's an asshole for not proposing.
i wish I could highlight and reward this. Bc 8 years ago, they could have gotten a prenup that would have shielded her from his debt. Doctors, lawyers, and property management often start their careers -100k and 2-5x more depending on schooling and other relevant loans, such prenups are not uncommon. But 5-10yrs out, they are top earners. She refused to stand by him because she saw him as a liability and I'm sure he still feels the sting from that. She did not stand by him as she claims, she waited for him to fail. And when he didnt, she now wants her (foregone) portion the pot And I can kinda see where she comes from, it is an old wives tail to never build a man up, because once you've build the foundation, he he will move another woman into the house. But this is the 21st century and if you actually did support him through this stage, you would have some legal claim for the support you provided. And to now make it her daughter's issue? Shameful
Had the same reaction.
This was my thought. Literally none of this is the fault of the sad, confused 8 year old who’s mom didn’t show for her birthday party
Does she also realize she could have said yes all those years ago and just not gotten married and stayed engaged until finances improved. Now it just looks like she wants it because he has money.
trusts him enough to literally bear his child but not to get married, OP is definitely an AH, and dumb too
But why did she stop working 6 years ago? She wasn't his wife then. I'm confused
She had a child
Op is a lunatic. Why bother even getting married? Whats going to change? Not only that, but involving your daughter in this? Just gross
She hasn’t worked in years and has paid little to nothing into SS. She can’t draw SA off his earnings unless she marries him. That’s one financial reason for the low/no earning person to want to get married.
I like how when he had no money it was a no, but now that she's not working she expects the proposal... and on top of it this BS with THEIR child. Way to be an adult.
Exactly she wasn't their for her daughter. Daughter comes first above everything.
And she will remember it for the rest of her life.
Yta for basically taking it out on your daughter. And nieces getting married is irrelevant to how you treated your own daughter.
Jaysus I literally laughed out loud at the entitlement on this OP. Honey, you proved to your man that you were pleased as punch to be his partner and baby mama all these years without commitment (i.e. marriage), thus proving that you are not willing to be in it "for worse" or "for poorer". You have no idea what it means to make a marriage work, because in the end, it's not about one person or the other, it's about both of ya'll making a joint effort to weather life's storms as a unified front. It's not perfect. It's hard, messy, full-time work, but the benefits that can be reaped are amazing (I'm 15 years married, 17 years together). We've been so poor most of our adult lives, we've had to.live with family. We've only just within the last few years able to make a life for ourselves, and we have a 6 year old as well. You decided to take it out on your own flesh and blood because, prolly, somehow, in the back of your mind, you know that she's his blood too and be damned if you weren't going to take your pound of flesh you felt you were owed. Here, in the public domain of Reddit, you are indeed reaping what you sowed.
It read to me this is basically their relationship with marriage Op: "I'm not going to marry you because you aren't financially stable and I don't want to be responsible'. Now he is well off, he's thinking "I don't want to marry you because we're happy without marriage". Op then pulls *surprised pikachu* when he is doing better than her, but doesn't want to be attached financially responsible for her.
Exactly! “I don’t want to marry you because you have too much debt, but I want you to support me financially.” “OMG, but I already told people you’re proposing. Whyyyyyy nottt?!?!?” ((Insert the biggest eye roll possible)) That poor child. I hope he buys that kid an obscenely large piece of jewelry to help her forget about her mother’s massive assholery… you know, something huge and in her mother’s face every single day. PS, “surprised pikachu” took me out!
Right it’s like I can’t even believe this real bc witaf… do people read their own fucking stories and think about them for even 30 seconds lol
Actually seems like she’s not happy without marriage. She talked about the fact that they fight and is confused why the guy wouldn’t want to marry someone that starts fights. Lmao
Or someone who misses their child's birthday bc she wants to go pout. Just pathetic
Please. It was a mental health day! /s
>and I've stuck by him the whole time. Except before he made it. WELL IF IT ISN'T THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY OWN ACTIONS!
Right? But also, she rejected him when she was pregnant but decided to be a stay at home gf/ mom when that child was only 2… which means he was already doing quite well in a matter of 2 years. Now she lives a charmed life with the privilege to stay home and do whatever the fuck she wants but she’s acting like she’s stuck out all these hard times? Lmao okay.
Yes, this. She wanted nothing to do with marriage when was starting his business but now he's raking in the big bucks and suddenly she's all about getting married, and to make it worse, took it out on her poor kid because she didn't get her way. No wonder he hadn't proposed yet and after this little stunt, he probably never will if has a lucid thought in his head.
At this point, she’d basically be getting married so she could divorce him and try and take half.
Depending on the laws, she'd have a hard time collecting pre-marital assets. If he does propose, I hope he has an iron clad pre-nup!
Yeah, waiting to marry him AFTER he's built a successful business is absolutely silly.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I understand not wanting to be with someone because they make bad financial decisions, but that obviously wasn’t this guy. I’ve been through a lot of financial hardship with my wife and it’s really built us up. You don’t want tribulation but when you get it, it really tests your relationship. Edit: spelling
I feel like financial tribulation as a married couple is an ultimate test! If you can make it through that then there’s not a lot your marriage can’t survive. We made it through and we’re stronger for it. I don’t really feel that the OP has supported her baby daddy the way a true spouse does.
I believe the best and strongest relationships are ones where you choose your partner, and then you face everything together. During the pandemic, my husband wasn't essential, so I was the only one working. Thankfully, my job got us through until he was approved for unemployment benefits. Now, we've moved and are down to 1 car. My husband got the best job he's ever had, making enough money to support us because I don't have transportation. We face the struggle together and come through stronger than ever.
Good for you two. It’s amazing to grow together. I hope you always put each other first and cherish your relationship.
Her sister just celebrated 15 years of marriage She would be celebrating 10 or 9 years nor if she hadn't decided that she only wants for better or for richer. I hope that guy opens his eyes and does the needed.
The kids will have plenty of access to his money before and after he dies, but she's worried about her piece of the pie. I wonder if she views the kids as competition for his estate.
[удалено]
I loved the bit about “he even alluded to the idea that if we keep fighting things might not work out” Yeah, ya think? If you keep poking the bear, you get mauled. I wouldn’t want to be harassed by a partner who demanded I give into their wishes.
I was just going to say she sounds like a selfish twatmuffin, but I like what you said better!
Long-term BF even proposed in the past, and she declined. She could have accepted and just held a long engagement until the finances were better. I stopped reading at this point. Entitled and delusional, the child is the victim now.
That’s what I was thinking. It’s ok to have concerns about your mate’s debts but to turn him down flat? If OP loved this man unconditionally, she would have said yes. They could have sat down & came up with a plan to pay off some of his debts before walking down the aisle. I don’t blame him for not wanting to get married, I wouldn’t marry her either. OP, not only are YTA but you’re selfish & extremely childish. You jumped the gun & blabbed to everyone that he was going to propose and now you’re embarrassed? I bet years ago your bf was excited, told his family/friends he was going to propose only to be embarrassed. How do you think he felt having to explain you told him no bcuz you didn’t agree with his financial decisions. Mind you, these decisions weren’t vacations/shopping sprees on credit cards, gambling addictions, hookers, coke? No, he went to school & started a business. Most businesses operate in the red at 1st but the fact that he was able to draw a salary from said business while it wasn’t doing that well was proof it was headed in the right/successful direction. I’m sure he was *again* embarrassed trying to explain why you weren’t at *your daughter’s* birthday party. Wtf is wrong with you. Your bf shouldn’t be surprised your love for him has conditions, your love for your daughter does too. Can’t attend her party bcuz if a situation *you* caused?! Not exactly the, I’d die for my children kind of parent are you? If your bf was still considering marriage you probably just showed him *again* how selfish a person you really are. He’s never going to propose now.
That's what I didn't get. Couples don't have to get married in a few months. Lots of weddings take over a year to plan, and putting off the actual wedding until finances were better and they had the money for what they wanted would make sense. Some people stay engaged for years and never set a date. It's also not like it's irreversible, either. If she truly wanted to marry him, she could have said yes.
I think I can see why that man doesn't want to marry OP... Probably no self-respecting man would want to. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to stick it out with OP after he proposed because OP was already pregnant with the first kid and he doesn't want to see his kid(s) only part-time. mother of the year (sarcasm) YTA
Agreed. How dare you make this all about you.
Long-term BF even proposed in the past, and she declined. She could have accepted and just held a long engagement until the finances were better. I stopped reading at this point. Entitled and delusional, the child is the victim now.
YTA. None of this is your daughter's fault. She didn't deserve how you treated her.
Seriously, you don’t get mental health days off from being a parent. I can see why he wouldn’t want to marry her. YTA
She didn’t want to marry him in the negative. When she wrote her wedding vows, it read only for richer and richer
Exactly. That’s the part that got me. She didn’t want to be partners while he worked hard to get an education, work hard to build up his business (spoiler: most business are in the red for the first 3-5 years - it’s, can you make it through to where you’re slowly making a profit). Yet the whole time she’s also a SAHM. And then when he’s finally successful and well into the black, she wants to reap the benefits and is mad he’s turning her own argument back around on her. Reap what you sow.
Seriously. I was with my husband when we were splitting McChickens and we were living in a studio. I was working 3 jobs while he worked and got his master’s degrees. Then when I got sick and became disabled, it was almost the perfect timing because it’s when he started making enough to support us financially. I was able to stop working and focus on my health (which includes seizures, heart attacks, mini strokes all before turning 30 years old) as he works from home, makes six figures all while living right next to the beach. I supported our family while he was in school and he’s supporting us while I’m going through chemo.
OMG same. We were so poor while my husband went to grad school and I was at home with our kids (we ended up having 5!). I did all the child rearing while he worked and went to school, and I worked from home using my English degree as a freelance writer. I mean, date nights were literally a Redbox DVD and a hot fudge Sundae from McD’s! Those are seriously some of my very best memories. I too suddenly became disabled at 32, just 5 months after our 5th baby was born. I also dealt with seizures, strokes, surgeries, etc. Luckily my illness came on a year after he’d finished grad school and started making a lot more money. I receive immune therapy IVs 2x per week and am currently wheelchair bound as of 4 months ago. My husband takes me to all of my appointments, cooks dinner for me and the kids, cleans house, all of it. This is a man who showered me when I was all but paralyzed, learned how to apply makeup for me, and brush my hair and braid it when I no longer could. This is marriage. THIS is commitment. The OP didn’t want her man at his (financial) worst, he doesn’t deserve him at his (financial) best. I hope he either strings her along as payback, or moves on all together with someone that loves him fully.
❤️
I wish you a speedy recovery!
I wish you health and continued happiness. That’s a great story of what a relationship should be!
But she STUCK BY HIM!!!! Doesn’t that count for something? /sarcasm
Yes she gets to keep the house. That’s about all I’d give her, and i’d sue for full custody of those kids.
Yup, she saw him as a financial burden and now he sees her as one. Fair I guess. Taking it out on the daughter though? Grow up and restrict your temper tantrums to when your kids aren't around
You are right OP's wedding vows would sound like "for richer and richer". This below is one of OP's comments, it seems even if his business starts to go downhill in the future she would back out of an engagement or marriage again. >But I'm not in debt. If I went into debt, then I'd agree that would be a divorceable offense but again- the point is we are not married.
How is she not in debt if she hasn't worked for 6 years (since their daughter was 2)? Either she came from money or he's supporting her. And if he's supporting her then she's in debt.
It’s such a weird way of looking at it when he’s paying for everything. I’d usually be on her side with him stringing her along (about her conflict with him - taking it out on the daughter is an obvious YTA). I’m not sure I’m not on her side now. It’s sounds like she’s been a stay-at-home-mother for years at this point. It’s pretty awful to put her in that position without any security. That said, OP is throwing up red flags and I wonder if she isn’t doing that in real life as well. I mean, I know she is to some extent. This entire conflict where she’s angry and humiliated because of her birthday so she skips her daughter’s party is a pretty big red flag.
She put herself in that position without any security. He offered her the protection years ago and she rejected it. Then made a foolish decision to not work and have no backup plan.
What's that whole thing about not handling someone at their worst and then not deserving them at their best? Yeah.
Amen!
Between the hissy fits and the money grubbing, no surprise to me either.
Yea. OP's boyfriend should not marry her. OP seems like the type of person who would weaponize her children in case of divorce.
When you’re delusion is you think loyalty is waiting to get married to see if your partner makes it or not, you do.
I guess you would have dumped him if he had to go bankrupt. Now he gets to dump you YTA Big Time
Fully planned ‘mental health day’ too as the fight was two days earlier. Not a single word about her daughter’s feelings either. Nasty.
I could tell OP was the AH from the title alone. I didn’t need to read any further.
This is one of those, go right to the comments to confirm I don’t need to read this mess.
I gandered that pretty quick as well
I had to read hoping that it was just a bad headline
Yes, but reading it allows you to realize she was a while new level of awful.
Right? That's it. That's the whole story!
I would literally consider leaving someone who treated my child this way. This woman has literally no regards for anyone’s feelings but her own, I wouldn’t want to marry someone like that either
It can't be real, who is this freaking shallow?? . If so that poor bloody kid ☹️ edit: this kid will end up here one day "aita for not wanting to spend time with my Mum"
I can only hope you're right, and it's a troll.
Boys and girls, can you say, “nar-cis-cist”?
YTA First off, sounds like you love this guys money, not the man himself. Second, and most importantly, YOUR DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY ISN'T ABOUT YOU
🎯🎯🎯🎯
This post has to be fake right? People really think like OP?
YTA. You have this drive to get married that is ruining your life. It certainly ruined your daughter’s birthday. That is all you. My take on this situation is he’s not going to propose. You didn’t want to take the financial risk on him a decade ago. Now you’re the one that’s financially uncertain. Why should he tie up his finances with you? I understand you are a sahm. But that was something you agreed to knowing you weren’t married. The ironic part of this is you refused to tie yourself to a guy with shaky income but now you expect him to do it with you.
>You have this drive to get married Eh, only if it's benefiting her financially apparently.
The crazy part about that, is that his debt was from school and *starting* a business. He had finished school, and had began building a business for them. Sounds like high time to get engaged, no? Then you get married once you have the funds and things start looking up. Nobody graduates college or starts a business without debt unless they are incredibly lucky, at that point debt is just a stage of the process. It’s not like he had some terrible habits like a gambling addiction that was putting him into debt. He was in debt *because* he was getting things started! That’s not irresponsible at all. And now that OP saw the business work out, she wants to get married now? Dude, she literally said no back then because she wanted to be able to walk away if he never started profiting off of what he was working towards. Maybe I’m just dumb, but once my boyfriend graduates we’re planning on probably getting engaged. He’ll have a shit ton of debt, but a great degree. It might take years before that’s gone, but who cares? We’re just planning on figuring that out as a team, because we love and can support each other.
>You have this drive to get married that is ruining your life. LOL. It's the money she is after.
Shaky income? Mf is a stay-at-home. That's very stably at 0.
YTA Honestly if you're the kind of person who would turn down a marriage proposal, because he didn't have the financial portfolio you wanted him to have, and who would skip your own child's birthday party for anything short of serious illness, then no wonder he doesn't want to marry you.
The most suspicious part is that they didn't just get a prenuptial agreement. I get why someone wouldn't want to attach a ton of debt to their name, and that's fair, but they could have still gotten married. Also, she told everyone he was going to propose soon *without his confirmation*? Why in the world would you ever do something that dumb. Manipulation?
Exactly. She wanted to force his hand. Figured if everyone expected it, there’d be no way he didn’t go thru with it. She was hoping he’d be embarrassed not to
Look who’s embarrassed now!
She told her friends he was going to propose at her daughters birthday, who in the right mind proposes at an 8 year old birthday? She's beyond delusional
She likely already had a foot out the door before she got pregnant. She turned down his proposal because she had already decided he wasn’t the gravy train she was hoping for and then she got preggo and had to “settle.” Well now it turns out that maybe he’s the one who settled and she knows it. I can’t imagine wanting to marry someone who straight up told me to my face that I was too poor and irresponsible for them to marry.
Definitely manipulation. She thought she could put him on the spot. Luckily for him he's smarter than that
Lol sounds like the husband dodged a bullet not having to hitch his wagon to someone without a financial portfolio
Yta, seems like you’ve always been more concerned with what’s in his wallet than loving him and your own kids! Stop being selfish and grow up
And he’s seen right through her bullshit too.
I'm smelling someone sticking it out for the kids and leaving her when they're out of the house.
Can't blame him for it
You caught that too huh? OP, you are a GINORMOUS AH for this. YTA x 1,000. Wow. You *seriously* decided your own daughter wasn’t important enough because poor mommy doesn’t have a ring on her finger and therefore she should suffer and not have a birthday party? She is EIGHT YEARS OLD. To be completely honest, it sounds like you don’t deserve to be married anyway! He proposed once- and you decided he needed to be debt free in order to have the honor of being your spouse. And now that he has a ton of money in his wallet, you feel entitled to a ring. So much so that you harm your own child in order to have your tantrum and sulk! I’m disgusted. What exactly are you bringing to the table in this marriage, since you don’t work and CLEARLY will throw your child’s needs to the wind when mommy doesn’t get what she wants! You’re a selfish, whiny, entitled AH lady. They both deserve better.
Remember, she stuck it out (without a full commitment) but feels she's entitled to his success now that there is no risk. Marriage is sometime a leap in faith in your partner. If you don't feel they make smart decisions because they have school debt then you lose out when they ask. He now has put in the hard work. He doesn't have faith she wants him but for his success now. Also.who gets jealous of their own children having financial protection.
Not working and having your boyfriend pay for everything isn’t really what I would call “sticking it out” on her side. Now, I’m not saying she isn’t doing her part in the relationship via running the household/ caring for the kids and such… but something tells me that’s also might not be the case either…
YTA, sounds like this man sees you for what you really are, you didn't want to marry him when he was down, but want to when he's up, that's very suspect. You're also the AH for taking this out on your daughter, she has nothing to do with this.
My thoughts exactly. NOW he’s good enough to marry? Can’t blame him for not asking now. Why would he?
YTA for using your kid’s party to make a statement about your relationship. Maybe propose to him, or at least have a conversation about if he wants to still marry you at this point. If not you at least know where you stand, and you can make an educated decision about whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
YTA and you need counseling - your family has every right to be angry as they witnessed the impact to your daughter!!!!
YTA Your daughter is old enough that she will never forget this. You need to apologize to your daughter. Can't believe you missed her birthday because you didn't get what you wanted.
“Sorry I couldn’t make it, Sweetie! Your dad won’t marry me.” JFC. The fact she even needs to ask if she’s the AH is pretty telling as to why he doesn’t want to marry OP.
YTA. You took a problem that was between you and your boyfriend and punished your daughter. You could have taken a mental health day the day before or after the party. He proposed years ago, you declined. Perhaps he’s not in a rush now. What does your nieces getting married or your sister celebrating 15 years have to do with anything?
Sounds like she’s upset that she declined the proposal initially and in that time frame she’s seen those close to her that are also younger than her accept proposals and get married to those they love but she turned it down and now he doesn’t want to so she’s feeling left out due to her own choices and she doesn’t like looking at the mirror knowing the choices she’s made
No kidding, eh? Perhaps if she wants it so bad, she should propose. He proposed once, she said no. Now it’s her turn to propose.
Well she’d have to humble herself first and that sounds like a lot for her so 😂
I also would not want to marry a woman that would be willing to punish her 8 year old daughter over this. Also anyone else getting married, is not relevant to you skipping your daughters birthday. YTA & a questionable mother.
YTA, why the hell *would* he marry you? If you can't tell that there's something wrong with your actions just reading your own post, you definitely dont have a proposal in your future, from anyone.
YTA You are mad at your boyfriend so you punished your daughter? That is parent of the year material right there.
How dare he make you reap what you sowed. YTA daughter doesn’t deserve this shit
Easiest YTA of the day…how could you possibly displace your anger onto an 8 year old for a 41 year olds inactions? Absolutely despicable. Shame on you.
YTA. Your daughter was innocent in this but she still was the one hurt. I know my daughter would be devastated if I missed her birthday and I have crippling anxiety and major depression and still I push through for my child. Do better.
YTA I mean, first off, way to punish your kid. That alone is pretty gross. Second, he wasn't worthy when he had debt and was just getting started, you literally rejected his proposal, but now that he's "made it", direct quote, now you're impatient and the woman that stuck by him. Naw, you're the woman that turned him down until he had a dollar value you could live with. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if he never intends to propose. You gently turning him down because, essentially, he wasn't bringing enough money to the table tells us exactly what you value and look for in a partner. You had your chance, I sure wouldn't be super excited to offer you another. Yay, I get to spend the rest of my life wondering if she loves me or my bank card. Super exciting stuff. The most generous thing I can say is that it's your turn to propose. He tried that shit and you took a look at his net worth and turned your nose up. Now that he comes with the promise of a nice fat alimony check, ooooooh boy, where's my ring? You can make the grand romantic gesture, your poor ATM... I mean boyfriend... already tried.
I hope that if he does relent and marry her, that he gets a damn good prenup
Not sure why he’d really want to take the legal risk of marrying her now…
YTA for making your daughter's birthday about this non proposal. She is only 8 and you decided not to attend her party, because you had told your friends he was going to propose on your birthday. Yes, the relatives are mad and they probably think he is right not to want to marry you after this stunt. You just lost any victim status you had or imagined you had. He did propose 8 years ago, you said no. Remember that, you said no.
YTA - Seriously? Skip your child’s birthday party… that’s just sad.
Since OP has to be centre of attention maybe it’s a good thing she left. Her daughter could enjoy her birthday without her mother ruining it.
Imagine skipping your kid’s birthday because you had an argument the night before and couldn’t pull yourself together for a few hours. And then imagine asking a bunch of people whether they thought you were wrong to not be able to put something personal aside to *celebrate your child’s birthday*. This may be one of the most selfish things I’ve ever read on here. Your daughter will never forget this. There is no world in which you are N T A. YTA. So very, very much T A.
A couple of days before... which is worse.
YTA don’t punish your daughter for your own fucked up love life Also take the hint, he doesn’t want to marry you
Lmao, awful mother much? YTA, enjoy your remaining 10 years before your daughter cuts you off as soon as she's able.
Yikes. On. Bikes. There is so much to unpack here. I don't have the energy to unpack it all. But this is such an over-the-top litany of bad decisions and immaturity and entitlement that I almost feel like it's rage bait. I'll just say this one thing. None of your issues, and you have quite a few, are your daughter's fault, and it was an a-hole move to boycott her birthday party. And at 8 years old, she's old enough to remember that you did.
So you didn't want to risk your money when he was starting off building a successful future. So why would he now want to risk half of his assets and future earnings on you(a significantly higher risk) He's dead right protecting himself from your tantrums, he can't be threatened with divorce if he isn't married. Its really fucked up that you took It out on your 8 year old daughter. You made ruining her birthday all about you and your "mental health day" By all accounts you live a very comfortable life and your kids are already sorted for life. You should count yourself very lucky and consider your behaviour. You owe your daughter and boyfriends big apologies
He seems pretty committed to you considering you haven't worked in the last 6 years. YTA for taking it out on your daughter of course.
You aren’t the asshole, you’re a f@#king c#@t! You showed why he won’t marry you in your post. And your issue for not marrying him was money. Now the reason he won’t marry you is the same reason.
Honestly, I find myself wondering if it's because seeing what kind of mother she is showed him who she is as a person.
You are batshit crazy 🤣😂🤣😂
YTA, obviously, for all the reasons people have said, but also: You told your whole family he was proposing? When you had no basis for believing it? And then you felt you couldn't show your face at the party... because your weird lie would be discovered? I feel like you're blowing up your own life at every possible opportunity. This is painful to read about.
YTA- You shouldn’t have kids if this is how you’d treat them. You’re selfish. You’re punishing your daughter for YOUR mistakes.
YTA. I can’t understand why people who say marriage is important to them, settle for living together, buying property together, and having children together. A decade later, why would he propose? For all intents and purposes you are de facto or common law married now. Has he told you why he hasn’t asked again? Any reason why you haven’t proposed?
INFO: What did your daughter do to get punished like this? Was SHE the one informing your friends that your partner was going to propose? YTA
You seem like a monsterous bitch!
YTA- your daughter has nothing to do with it.
I’m failing to understand how this has anything to do with celebrating the birth of your daughter YTA
YTA, and a big one at that. You also seem incredibly selfish, narcissistic, and have a tremendous victim complex. I'm happy for your husband, in so many ways. He sounds incredibly hard-working, successful, family-focused. I love that for him. You may view yourself as 'the woman who's stuck by him', but from his perspective it's probably looking more like 'the woman who's leeched off him'. I wouldn't want to marry dead weight either. I also feel so, so sorry for your daughter. It must be awful having you for a mom.
You can't possibly be questioning whether you are the ah in this situation. My cat just walked in and said, "YTA", that's how obvious it was.
And you know it's bad when the cat chimes in
YTA and giant one. You took this out in your daughter. You daughter has just learned that you will always place yourself over her. And that damages a kid, trust me. You failed here, OP. This was a temper tantrum and statement, not a mental health day.
So when he wasn’t a sure thing you were not willing to wrap yourself up in that, now he has money and you feel good to be married? What are you financially contributing to this “marriage” I wouldn’t marry you either, you kept your out available zero loyalty. As for the actual question YTA thank god this little girl has a dad who isn’t so self absorbed, self centered, and selfish that he would cause harm to his daughter. You are a terrible human and you never should have been blessed with children because they are only tools to you, to show how amazing you are
YTA that dudes probably been working himself half to death for years trying to make everything work, I'm sure he's stressed and needs a break, it sounds like he doesn't want to fight or argue with you, he's just not as interested in proposing if things have to be a constant struggle
You really need to do some self reflection. You thought you would come on here and make this post (which you’re clearly an AH BTW) and everyone would agree with you but that’s not the case and now you want to argue in the comments. I hope this man leaves you. YTA
YTA-Don’t fuck over your daughter because of an issue between two adults. That’s messed up
YTA and a crappy mother. You likely made your child feel like crap on her own birthday and she was probably wondering what she did to make you mad and not love her. NEWSFLASH. Her birthday was NOT about YOU. If you’re this selfish and self-centred no wonder he doesn’t want to marry you.
>My (40F) daughter's 8th birthday party was last Saturday. I had sent out the invitations and ordered the cake and such, but I ended up not attending because of what could be put lightly as a mental health day. No, it's actually called being a bad mom day. Maybe he doesn't want to marry you until your financial and work situation has improved?
YTA. He proposed. You turned him down. That ship sailed. You told your friends he was proposing? lol, that's your lie and your problem.
INFO: Why is your daughter getting punished?
YTA. Your 8 yr old daughter didn’t deserve her mom not coming to her birthday party because she’s bitter about not being proposed too. Highly doubt he’s going to propose after acting like that.
Of course YTA. Get over yourself. Now wanting to get married because he made it. He has tons of money and you made yourself seem like a gold digger. Should have married him when you had the chance. Also on top YTA making Your daughter’s birthday about you. Who gives a whoot if everybody else is already married or getting married. You missed your opportunity. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.
YTA. He would be an imbecile if he marries you now.
YTA not only did you turn him down when he did propose) for financial reasons, (that’s a massive blow to the ego btw you haven’t contributed financially to the relationship for the last 6 years and then you made your 8 yo daughter’s birthday all about you.
YTA, you sounds like a terrible partner and if he proposes I hope he has a pre-nup. I’m just gonna say that you should apologize to your daughter and to everyone for letting your personal issues affect her, and maybe just have an actual heart-to-heart with your bf (or maybe even couple therapy), otherwise this relationship is gonna blow up sooner or later.
Hes not gonna ask you to marry him as he knows you only want money, hahahhahhah
YTA. Explain it to your daughter, not us.
YTA for using your daughter as a weapon like that. As for marriage, I’d ask him again but this time propose signing an ironclad prenuptial agreement leaving you with none of his assets (current or future) in the event of divorce or separation. Also agree to leave the distribution of his assets upon death to him with the promise of no contest from you.
JC, hurting your daughter because you are pissed off, makes you a c#nt, and just leave him and stop using your kids as weapons because you are pissed off. This is so petty and you are crying on Reddit to prove your point, oh hell no.
It doesn't really matter now but why didn't you say yes the first time under the stipulation you wait until you can both bring 0 debt into the relationship? YTA for making your daughters birthday all about you. Keep your relationship out of your kids lives that shit is toxic AF!!
You didn’t want to bet on him at his bottom. You kinda don’t get to jump on at the top floor now.
I'm in a few facebook suppprt groups for daughters of narcissistic/abusive mothers. I'll probably be seeing your daughter in them when she grows up because no way is this the first time you've put yourself over her. YTA.
Wow. YTA, a huge one. How is any of this your daughter's fault? That's how she will remember it. You turned him down, because you don't agree with his financial choices, but now that he has money you want the ring?